WEBVTT

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I go in for this ultrasound
thinking it’s a routine thing.

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What! And all of a sudden, the radiologist
saying \"Dr. Clark, you know, your… your pelvis

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is filled with cysts and your
abdomen is filled with the ascites.

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And I started shaking like a leaf because
it came to me as a complete surprise.

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The prognosis is that I’m to be dead in
two years, but maybe there’s a way out.

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I’m taking a very exploratory approach
to my life ever since cancer.

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I’ve decided I’m going to be
constantly questioning everything.

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When Kasia brought to her
initial diagnosis and then

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how she approached treatment
was strength and the ability,

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the need and the desire to get
as much information as possible.

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Not just with treatment options
but also her own personal growth.

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[music]

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I am making a movie and I’m hoping the movie
will educate people about this disease

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that I’ll educate the medical profession and the late
public both. And I’m hoping that this film will…

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will heighten awareness
including my own awareness.

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One thing I can say for cancer

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is that it’s given me the chance to try
to every haircut and color under the sun.

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I have stuck with a Polish
nickname my mother gave me

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Kasha, short for Katarzyna or Katherine.

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My mother taught art, when my
sister Jackie and I were kids.

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My father was an astrophysicist at MIT.

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Our lives were filled with art
and science, sports and travel,

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politics and music. But all that
changed when Jackie was committed

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for schizophrenia, at age 16.
I was a freshman at Brown.

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It was the first great shock of my
life and the reason I became a doctor.

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The next shock was my mother’s

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move to New York City, which
fractured the family further.

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But this story is about the
final shock, my diagnosis

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of advanced ovarian cancer at age 42
and the life it has led me to choose.

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[music]

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My journey began in upstate New York where I
had a beautiful home with my partner Julie.

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How does your neck feel today? Actually it
hurts today. I practiced family medicine

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at a community health center. I
was young, active and healthy,

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living a pretty idealistic life.

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In 1998, I was diagnosed with
uterine fibroids, a condition

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common to women in their
childbearing years. A year later,

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I started having discomfort while urinating.
My gynecologist ordered a pelvic ultrasound

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which revealed large fibroids, my
ovaries were reported as normal.

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There’s not a specific pain or ache
that you can say if I have this

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I now have a ovarian cancer.
And it can cause constipation,

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it can cause diarrhea, bloating,
feeling for more easily and pain.

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Just two months later,

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at my annual exam, the gynecologist
found my uterus enlarged and comparable

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to a 16-week pregnancy. The
follow up ultrasound report

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gave a final impression as follows;
one very large fibroid uterus

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with probable fibroids projecting
into the adnexae on both sides,

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cannot absolutely exclude an ovarian mass.
Two, there is also ascites noted.

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The report also stated that the
moderate amount of ascites

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or free fluid was in both the
pelvis and elsewhere in the abdomen

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and ominous sign. The
gynecologist also recommended

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that I have a follow up ultrasound to demonstrate
that if the fluid was due to a ruptured

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ovarian cyst then the fluid which resolve
within a few weeks. Unfortunately, she never

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actually gave me a requisition to go for
that test and I believe that this is because

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she knew that I had already
had appointments to see

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two other gynecologists. So she felt
that her responsibility had ended.

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I don’t think she realized that I
was in denial about the findings.

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Umm… I don’t think she realized that she
needed to treat me like another patient

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and that I really wasn’t capable of taking
care of myself at that moment in time.

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Despite the warnings in the report the two other
gynecologists stuck with the fibroid diagnosis

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and didn’t even mention the
possibility of cancer.

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So I was reassured and I went
widely on my way because

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I wasn’t getting the message from my doctors that
there might be a life threatening condition here,

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requiring immediate surgery. When was your bypass
surgery? Yeah, on the whole I was feeling very well,

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I mean, I was working long hours and
at home I was working in the garden

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I was physically active. And I had a lot
of things I wanted to do in my life.

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You know, I figured fall I’ll give…
I’ll go for the operation in September.

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But what happened was in
July and August I started

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to feel more uncomfortable because I was
developing a lot of ascites in July,

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so I called beginning of August saying, you
know what I think we need to move on this.

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On August 31st, 2000,
that was the day that I…

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I received my diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I went
in for what I thought was a routine ultrasound…

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Mm-hmm. Prior to elective
surgery for fibroids

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and while I was on the table the radiologist
put the transducer on my abdomen

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and said \"You know, what Dr. Clark
your pelvis is filled with cysts

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and do you like me to call the director of gynecologic oncology. That’s when
you know there’s a problem with the top guy is willing to see you immediately.

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I think I was looking for
your mother, you know,

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because most of my patients are older.
From my point of view looking at it,

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I saw scans and stuff and some
of it looked pretty frightful.

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He examined me, sent me for a CAT scan
and gave me a presumptive diagnosis

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of advanced ovarian cancer.
So he says to me \"Well,

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are you okay, do you think you can make it home\" and I said,
\"Yeah, I think I can drive myself home,\" but I give you a call.

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We were having a dinner
party, \"Oh, my gosh!

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We have company here.\" I mean, I started to give
her a hard time about the fact that she’s still

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in the city and she says
to me, \"Julie its… it’s…

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this is different story.\" It’s not
fibroids. It’s not fibroids, no.

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As a physician immediate questioning

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of was something missed, I mean, how long has
this been present for, how could this come to me

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as a surprise? Meanwhile I drive home

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and who’s in the yard, Judy
Mello and her husband.

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I walked in and Julie and Judy were both

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absolutely ashen. Mm-hmm. You
were struggling emotionally

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trying to come in and out of… of the shock of this
instead of not accepting it and wanting to be in denial

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and then moving in the direction of, you
know, am I going to die, this is it?

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Yeah. Uh… I felt so compelled to pull
you out of the shock you were in

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and help you get beyond, you know, whose fault
was it and move into what do we do now?

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And to be there for Julie
too because I wanted to

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support her as well. I don’t
think I stopped crying

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for the first three days. It
was… it was beyond…beyond,

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I mean, because here I was
having this great life,

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and great house, and great
friends and great girlfriend

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and poof everything changed.

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Just like the rug is pulled out from under
me and all of a sudden I am a patient

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and I am at the mercy of this guy
who cuts me open takes out all my

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reproductive organs. But Dan Smith had
to leave behind a seven-centimeter tumor

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in the pelvis because it was actually
embedded in the bone not a good outcome

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for initial surgery. He also left
behind numerous tiny nodules

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on my liver, spleen and intestines.

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When Kaisa came to see me she told me
that she had stage 3 ovarian carcinoma

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and that she had maybe a 10%
or 20% chance of being alive

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in two years. Kaisa
responded to this diagnosis

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the way Kasia response to
significant things with panoply of

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intense feelings;

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rage, sadness, despair.

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What I did is I dug up

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those ultrasound findings from seven months earlier
and I was immediately in a state of outrage

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because I recalled having been
evaluated by three gynecologists

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each of whom had the opportunity to
make that early diagnosis and all three

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of these gynecologists had
failed to nail the diagnosis.

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I was on emotional rollercoaster
and this went on for months.

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Because I had a deep fear

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that I was gonna die imminently.

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Started to realize that you as a doctor as human
as well and… And that too that all of a sudden

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I’m confronted by my own mortality when I’ve
been dealing with other people’s mortality.

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In the entire our entire relationship
I had never seen you cry.

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And there were no words… there were
no words, there wasn’t anything.

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I learned pretty early on that’s
pretty much all you can do, be there.

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Spouses are affected

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and I see that in when I talk to them

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uh… when our social workers talk with them uh… there
have been multiple studies that have looked at this

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and I’ve shown that as patient’s stress levels go up,
significant other stress levels typically go up.

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Well, I have to confess
that my first reaction

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was anger that she didn’t do something

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about it earlier. You were angry at me?
Yes, I was.

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Because I remember looking at that
enormous stomach of yours and saying

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why don’t you check this out?

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And umm… I don’t think I
cried, I just had nightmares.

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We were in Canada when we
heard the news that she had…

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had been diagnosed with ovarian
cancer and we drove as quickly

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as we could to uh… meet
her and it was a very…

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a very sad very emotional moment.

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And then, we have been with her
through numerous operations

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and every time that she’s gone through one of
these medical episodes it’s been… been a strain.

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(inaudible).

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Hi, my name is Jacqueline Clark… That’s okay.
Kasia’s sister. You are my sister and what else?

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I love you dearly. You love me dearly?
I love you dearly.

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I won’t let you die, anything I
go down to the grave with you.

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[music]

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I knew uh… what the odds were
and I originally thought

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she came back so that I could
help her to die and I was wrong.

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What I realized as we began our
work was that she came back

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so that I could help her to live.

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I went in (inaudible) opinions of
three different medical oncologists

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before I picked my medical oncologist at Dana
Farber. This is a life of a cancer patient.

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Kasia is unusual because she is young

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and most women with ovarian cancer are not young, most women
are aged 60 or above. Hi Dr. Clark. Hey! How you doing?

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So she brought to this her youth

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and she brought with her medical knowledge
which she could build upon to charge

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her course of treatment. The
standard of care at that point

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and still is today are two drugs,
one drug is called carboplatin

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and other drug is called Taxol, and these
two drugs typically given together

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intravenously once every three weeks
for six treatments. (inaudible).

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Kasia, being a physician came
into this knowing that a job

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had to be done at the chemotherapy
had to be an aggressive approach

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and that’s exactly what we took. She hold on
to the clinical trial called triple doublets,

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meaning that there are doubles of drugs
but there are three sets of doublets.

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It offered three opportunities
to kill the cancer cells,

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the first one being the doublet
carboplatin and taxel, the second

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with cisplatin and gemcitabine,
and the third with topotecan

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and doxorubicin. I decided to take
the risk because my oncologist

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convinced me it was of worth doing
that this trial had the potential

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of keeping me in remission
for much longer time than

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the standard therapy. I thought that
this would be uh… an opportunity

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perhaps to eradicate the cancer entirely.

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All of us struggle with

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wanting to be in control and this has
certainly been an issue for Kasia,

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the cancer exacerbated her experience

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and therefore it became more important
that she control whatever she could.

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Going through cancer has been
very scary, and terrifying

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and I need support.

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I didn’t wanna live the last years of my life in a
state of depression. I went in to psychotherapy

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within a couple of months of
my diagnosis and I’ve been

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in psychotherapy ever since. We hadn’t
seen each other for many years.

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When she got this terrible
illness who I had been

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in her internal life made her feel as though
perhaps I could help with this struggle.

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[music]

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Psychotherapy has been helpful but
also I think exercise has been

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a lifesaver for me. Within
uh… six to eight weeks of my

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diagnosis and major abdominal surgery I
became incredibly active physically.

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I took up walking, then
running, then swimming.

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[music]

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What I was doing was I was having
a dialogue with cells in my body,

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not through words but through
activity, through motion.

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With every lap in this pool, I’m getting
stronger, my lungs are getting stronger,

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my heart’s getting stronger. How could I be
getting sicker when I’m getting healthier?

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One symptom that you have prevented
by your physical activity is fatigue.

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A very insidious and chronic
problem that women have

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when they’re undergoing chemotherapy, even after
that fatigue can really persist for quite a while

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months to even years and that clearly
impact on them, sexuality as well.

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I’ve had a lot of patients
tell me that they feel

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less sexual to their partner, they
lose their hair, they may gain weight

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as a result of the chemotherapy. So they
feel less attractive? Yeah, that’s correct.

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There is the psychological aspects
of either outward changes

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or perhaps depression. You are
less wanting to be more intimate

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with somebody. Third issue
is medical reasons,

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if a woman loses their ovaries and
doesn’t choose to go on estrogen

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umm… they may have hormonal changes
uh… that make their drive less.

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I was thrown into menopause,

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I lost my reproductive capacity
and that part of my body became

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an intense focus for months
and years after that.

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And the flood of feelings that ensued
and the sudden intense relationship

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with a male surgeon brought up a lot of

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sexual feelings for me. Not
that anything ever happened

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with the surgeon it was just because of that
I began to question my sexual identity.

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I was utterly dependent upon

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Dan Smith for my life. You
can take it if you want to.

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Dr. Smith played an enormous
role in Kasia’s physical life.

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But he played a very much greater
part in her mental life.

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Sometimes when we need a hero
or a savior, it excited her,

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it helped her become aware of feelings
that she hadn’t had in a long time.

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Uh… And… and it served a good purpose.
It made me think about,

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you know, my sexual orientation and whether you
know, since I was having heterosexual feelings

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whether I might really be umm…
more heterosexual than homosexual.

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I’ve always considered
myself to be bisexual,

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but I was in a long term comfortable
monogamous relationship with a woman

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for eleven years. The
diagnosis has not to be

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right off of that comfortable pedestal

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and the emotions I was feeling
propelled me forward to become

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very curious about my body,
my sexuality and uh… to begin

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to explore in many different ways.

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At minimum, it totally took my
mind away from the fear of death

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and focused it on the life force itself.

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My objective was to get as comfortable
as I possibly could with my body

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and I did this through
traditional psychotherapy,

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but I also engaged in much
more body oriented therapies.

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Trust, your body really
knows how to breathe.

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
One was called process therapy,

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
you are held by a therapist and they
breathe with you in order to help you

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
elicit deep emotion. Keep
that picture in your mind…

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
I hate being sick. Stay with that…just stay with that…
just stay with that. Come on… I hate being sick.

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
I hate it! I don’t wanna be sick!

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
I don’t wanna be sick!
Oh, I wanted to go home.

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
It’s not fair. Keep moving…
keep moving your body, Kaisa.

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
I want it to go away, why
does this happen to me?

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
It’s unfair. Oh!

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
My mother was emotionally incapable

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
of dealing with my cancer in a direct way.

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
I guess I was kind of
horrified by the whole thing.

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
It seemed to me that if we got a camera
up, that somehow it would bring us

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
together instead of each one
having to suffer in pain

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
and then she mentioned

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
something sensuous and
she got the idea about

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
her friend with the boy constrictors.
She would call herself serpentessa,

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
she was a belly dancer. They
clench you, they wrap around you

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
they are constantly in motion.
For me, it was sexy.

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
As adult I was not a very

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
touchy feely kind of person, but after the
diagnosis I really allowed myself to be touched.

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
I look at complementary therapies
two ways, relaxation techniques,

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
massage therapy, acupuncture,
when people coming out of those

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
having a treatment done, they feel better.

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
The other side of this is can we
explain why… why this is making us

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
feel better and what can you
do to augment and actually

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
act as treatment for patient with cancer.

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
Kasia did really wonderful
during chemotherapy.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
The drugs are not easy, the
drug called cisplatin involved

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
with chemotherapy. This is a drug that is
really known for its nausea and vomiting

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
uh… but she went through it really
extraordinarily. Taking advice and counsel

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
from other physicians and having them tell
me what I need to do it’s an experience

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
of being vulnerable, but it’s also
humbling. It was very… very healing

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
for her to make up her mind that there were
certain things that she was going to do.

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
I am ready. Okay… That’s
it, keep standing. Okay.

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
[sil.]

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
I was setting aside some of my requirement to
scientific proof because I was really trying to…

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
to save my life and I was willing to
step outside the uh… the boundaries

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
of… of mainstream medicine
in order to do that.

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
I followed a diet that was
devised by an anesthesiologist

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
who now specializes in nutrition for oncology
patients which I followed strictly for two years.

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
It was high in omega-3 fatty acids low

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
and omega-6 fatty acids, high in
antioxidant fruits and vegetables,

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
the soy, lowing red meat, I eliminated milk

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
and I eliminated wheat from my diet.
I’ve been making

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
the shake for a year now and I’m also on
chemotherapy for a large part of the last year.

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
And I have never had any mouth sores
nor have any serious GI problems.

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
I don’t know if it’s because of the supplements
I’m taking, but they’re surely not hurting me.

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
Mmm… Ultra omega-3 fish oil,

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
evening Primrose Oil,
multivitamin, calcium,

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
Coenzyme II, vitamin B,
vitamin E, vitamin A

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
also I take Celebrex, which is reported
to have anti-angiogenesis properties

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
mainly to help prevent blood vessel
growth to tumors cells that was

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
recommended by my oncologist.
So that’s my morning routine.

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
The more positive results I got
from following my intuition,

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
the less proof I needed. Kasia
started out in music very early on,

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
I thought she was seven or eight and
throughout her life she’s perfected

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:53.000
her violin playing and taking it very seriously. After I’m long gone we are
gonna understand how the immune system works and how the body heals itself.

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
Playing the violin, being
creative mattered a lot.

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
Doing film did make Kasia

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
feel better about herself
in important ways.

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
I had a second operation
two days ago to uh… access

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
my current condition. I’ve been
walking since yesterday. Yeah? Okay.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
This time around the same incision was made as
before right down the middle from my belly button

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
down to my pubic bone. I had chemotherapy

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
for six months and also that
residual cancer disappeared.

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
The big tumor in my pelvis which is about
seven centimeters in diameter had liquefied,

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
but there is still these three
to four millimeter nodules

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
in my intestines. Ovarian cancer

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
is the most lethal gynecologic
cancer and it’s not often

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
that there’s an opportunity to make
an early diagnosis. It’s very hard

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
to prove failure to
diagnose ovarian cancer.

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
I went to eight different law firms before
I found a lawyer who would take my case.

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
Eddy Milstein took the case

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
because he thought he could win the case. I believe because
we had this ultrasound report which was incriminating.

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
We have to prove two things in this case,

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
one is that we have to prove that a doctor did
something wrong the… the phrase that we use is

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
that he departed from the accepted standard
of medical care. You know, the risk

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
of not discovering that it’s malignant
disease is the progression of the disease

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
which brings me to the second thing we have to prove,
we have to prove that as a consequence of the delay

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
in the diagnosis that you were harmed, now how you harmed?
You were harmed by the fact that you walked around

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
uh… for another either 7 to 9 or 10 months

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
with a disease progressing. Had the
disease been detected earlier,

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
it would have increased your survival rate,
it would have reduced the mortality rate

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
of the disease and hopefully had it been detected
earlier, you would have been entirely cured.

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
Yeah. We have all the elements
of a successful case.

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
So uh… I want to wish you the best of luck and I’ll
do everything I can to see to it that your case

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
is concluded on a very successful
note, so I can get paid.

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
Winning a lawsuit was of indication

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
it made me feel like I had been right, when
I said that the diagnosis had been missed

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
and it gave me the money to enable
me to make this film project.

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
[music]

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
On the heels of 9/11, my mother and I began
shooting a film about my determination

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
to become a tri-athlete
inspired by Lance Armstrong.

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
Between the movement of the (inaudible)

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
9/11 this kind of hysteria
of the health club,

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
you know, people going back and forth… back
and forth… back and forth that was your time,

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
my time and the 9/11 time.

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
What if I should ride into the sun what happens
then? Nine-eleven also marked the passage of a year

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
since my diagnosis. My CA-125
had returned to normal

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
and although I continued to take Taxol,
I was on the road to being cancer free.

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
To celebrate I bought a video camera.

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
(inaudible) your counts?
The C125 is all normal.

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
Good, grab my arm. Dan Smith
and Ursula Matulonis, I mean,

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
they are my Gods really. You know, I just think that
this thing is sort of bring itself up what it is.

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
Great, maybe I’m cured. I
think that the issue of being

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
cured is… is illusive concept. But I
think the issue of chronic disease

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
is being able to live your life taking
treatment is really who you are right now.

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
[sil.] I think Kasia would say that

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
prior to getting the carcinoma
she never became as comfortable

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
with her own sexual identity
as she might have wished.

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
Because of this surgery she wasn’t gonna
be able to do that work in the same way.

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
The area of most confusion for her was

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
how do I explore my femininity at this
stage of my life, what do I do to do that?

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
Should I change how I look, should I
try to conduct myself differently?

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
What would being feminine be for me?

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
I am doing a triathlon on June 29th.
You know triathlon? It’s…

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
I don’t speak triathlon,

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
but yes, I know… yes, I know
triathlon, it’s like the Iron Man.

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
I told Julie as time went on that I wanted to have
an open relationship where I would be able to

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
have my relationship with her but
also explore my feelings for men.

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
She was I guess crestfallen comes to mind.

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
I couldn’t have asked for a better
partner going through illness. She was

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
unfailingly supportive and present
for me, you know, I would be

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
in the hospital and she would be sleeping on the floor
next to me. I have definitely noticed that women,

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
who are diagnosed with cancer, can sometimes
have a change in their relationship,

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
have a dissolving of their relationships
when patient (inaudible).

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
So it’s a real test of… of a relationship?
A real test of relationship.

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
I am letting myself play, you know, so I
don’t know how long I am going to be around.

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:58.000
[music]

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
Congratulations, Katherine Clark!

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
I was on a world (inaudible) I
was on a like a moving train

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
and I was being swept along.

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
[music]

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
And I just decided to follow where
it let me in, it wasn’t (inaudible)

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
it wasn’t planned, it
was just an evolution.

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
[music]

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
I starting to actually to record moments

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.999
as they are happening,
has given me a certain

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.999
sense of control over the passage of time.

00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:54.999
[music]

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
This sort of delicately saying over my head and so I’m running around
like a chicken with my head cut off trying to do so many things

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
like even making this film.

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
Trying to document my experience as
a way of trying to hold on to it.

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:18.000
[music]

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:24.999
This connection she has with
the Manhattan String Quartet

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
has meant a great deal to her.

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
I think at one time, she thought that
she might even do music professionally

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
and I think she has come to realize that
that’s even more competitive than filmmaking.

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:48.000
[music]

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
I’m living in Boston and I
am going to film school.

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
I found this apartment in Craigslist.
(inaudible) from where I came from.

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
It’s a lot of security to let go off.

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
It wasn’t giving up real estate it was
giving up the internal experience

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
of what that place had been, so it
wasn’t easy. Losing my relationship

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
with Julie was bittersweet. It was sweet

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
in that I could have adventures. I was
thinking about sucking up as much

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
experience as I possibly could, not
knowing how long I was going to be alive.

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
The bitter side is, by the time
I realized I… I had lost her.

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
I also realized that I missed her terribly.

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
Now that I have my health
it seems that my health

00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.999
is here to stay. I want to see
what I can do with myself

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
and how far can I go.
Well, I… I am getting a…

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
a crash course in art making here. This isn’t
apprenticeship. I feel like I have risen

00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:04.999
from this intense focus on the
physical being and now I am wrestling

00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
with the psychological and
spiritual aspects of life

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
which I am finding to
be equally challenging.

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
I have to say that I am still
afraid, still fearful.

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
We’ll see what… what the next chapter
is going to be. It’s your script

00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
and your sail boat and you
got the hands on the rudder.

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
I just want to wish you Godspeed.

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
So I had my blood drawn up about three
weeks ago. And what was the conclusion?

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
C125 is still like around eight.
I went to my fifty year

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
of remission. Mm-hmm.

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
What do you think? Do you think I beat it?
I think so, yeah.

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
Dr. Smith did his rectal exam on me

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
in a routine checkup. And suddenly I looked
down on the glove was tarry… tarry stool.

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
Indicating there was likely a recurrence
of my cancer in the intestine.

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
And I felt the mass. He was
shocked and I was more shocked.

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
Then, I went to see my medical
oncologist back in Boston Dr. Matulonis.

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
Is it… is it hospital I can just
talk to one first? Of course.

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
Okay, that would make it I… I am not (inaudible) camera
I gotta say it… That’s fine. I… I respect that. Okay.

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:38.000
[sil.]

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.999
Well, my father just wrecked his car after we
went to Dana Farber and I received a diagnosis

00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:49.999
of recurrent cancer. It’s been exactly
six years since my initial diagnosis.

00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:54.999
Matulonis tells me that
on CAT scan the area

00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:59.999
where my cervix resides has a large
by two or three centimeters.

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.999
So how do you feel about this?

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:09.999
Angry. I actually surprised I am
surprised after six years that…

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:14.999
that this will sneak back up on me and
bite me again. Certainly, right now

00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:19.999
you are in a very emotional situation.
I am deeply unhappy.

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.999
[sil.]

00:36:25.000 --> 00:36:29.999
The next step is for me to deal with my feelings about
it… it because I… I am not rational at the moment

00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:34.999
I am very averse to being mutilated
further. Surgery is mutilating.

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:39.999
Get the hammer that’s a
good shot get the hammer.

00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:44.999
I feel like running away. Uh… The phrase I’ve using
I feel like a bear with its foot caught in a trap.

00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.999
There are city

00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.999
sixty beaches that you can
surf on in Puerto Rico.

00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
That’s where I wanna go. When
something comes before Kasia

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
that she doesn’t like she says in any
one of a variety of ways \"No, way

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
not happening and not doing it I’m out of here.\" Can you
show me on the map because they have… Other people can say

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
so it’s objectionable, but I’ll deal.

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
And here are the two things
and this is fluid filled ray

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
and this is more solid. Now my suspicion

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
is gonna be hopefully just a little fibroid or something.
But this is not something you felt before Dan?

00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
Totally not, N-O. So Dan,
can you level to me?

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
I’m sure. I want you to tell
me what you think it is?

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
I think from… from your point of view of wanting
a durable response from the ovarian cancer,

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
you should want to know what’s in there.

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
You know what’s that… that hard lump
what’s that other lump? But I can tell you

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
by exam this is a new finding (inaudible)
and tarry stools, something changed.

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
I have to think about

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
whether I want to go through surgery again, no?
Exactly. How long if a wait is acceptable?

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
I would like to deal with it quickly.

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
I guess I’m not going to go Puerto
Rico then. I was gonna go surfing.

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
I think this is a real nasty (inaudible).
Oh, yeah, this is definitely nasty.

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
This is definitely…
definitely unmade my day.

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
I have a great sense of urgency about life.

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
I am happiest it seems when I am emotion.

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
[music]

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
What motion does for Kasia? It
gives her a kind of concentration

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
which prevents other things
from coming into her mind.

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
And there is not how does he feel about me?
How does she feel about me?

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
How lonely am I? I have to
say I am drawn to danger.

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
Sometimes I need that to really feel alive.

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
Yeah… yeah… yeah… yeah, oh… There is something about
our relationship that’s kind of distinctive I think.

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
Life and death matters,
you have been my doctor.

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
We have been friends for a long time.

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
Tell me why you’re happy? I think
a lot of it has to do with

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
not running around, I think
you’re doing right now

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
and I think that’s helping me a lot.

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.999
In the fall, I underwent
a series of studies

00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:49.999
uh… colonoscopy and upper endoscopies,
which did not locate any tumors.

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
I was very

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
resistant to having a third surgery
and I said \"How about we follow

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
my disease with serial cast scans
every month for a few months.\"

00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
Six months later another colonoscopy
and another upper endoscopy,

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
which again did not locate the tumors.
My stools remain black.

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
(inaudible). Finally I had a test

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
where I swallowed a pill with a camera
attached call a capsule endoscopy test.

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
So they are giving me a pill that
will take video images as it travels

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
through the entire length of the small
intestine. Turn off the light on.

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
(inaudible) put these censors on you.

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
They are attached to a data recorder
and you wear that for eight hours

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
and the pill cam that you have swallowed when
you told that end and before you swallowed

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
it is taking a picture of you and then you
swallow the camera down and it does its thing.

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
I just swallowed a fucking camera.

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
And two hours from now you can go
ahead and have some clear liquids,

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
tea without milk, (inaudible), Sprite.
How about a martini?

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
Four hours after you swallow the camera,
you can go ahead and have a light lunch

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
half a sandwich some soup.

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
And then, you gonna come back
here umm… in eight hours

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
and we will un-hook from the
equipment and off you go.

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
What I showed you before was at an hour
into the exam. Now that’s three hours,

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
so right in the mid bowel and you see this area and
there’s a clear cut a little bit of blood here.

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
You see that? Yes. So red blood

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
and it’s not 100% clear
actually what the cause of this

00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
uh… bleeding is. The uh…
differential diagnosis

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
of that are umm… typically
benign small bowel tumors

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
such as some leiomyomas, GI stromal tumors.

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
It’s also could be metastatic disease
uh… from ovarian cancer that is

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
implanted into the wall of the bowel and breaking
through. I mean, if its metastatic cancer

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
it could get bigger and the erosion could
get bigger and the bleeding could get more?

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
Yeah. So the traditional approach

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:29.999
to this would be a surgeon doing a laparotomy, open you
up feeling the intestine, see if they can find the spot

00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:34.999
and if they can ressecting that area.
I fended off surgery

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:39.999
for six months there’s this PET scan
that shows increased metabolic activity

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
in the pelvis and also around my abdomen.
I am afraid of repeated

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
abdominal operations and, you know,
increasing numbers of the adhesions

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.999
and scarring inside my abdomen
in addition my CA-125 has

00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:59.999
edged up to 21, still in the normal
range but it’s been a 10 for the last

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
several six years and I could choose to do nothing I
could choose just live with… live with my situation.

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
[music]

00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:14.999
When I was operated on finally

00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:19.999
the source of bleeding was metastatic tumors which
eroded into blood vessels causing internal bleeding,

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.999
so there was a recurrence of the cancer.

00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
I am doing a little bit of curling up, and
regressing and feeling sorry for myself.

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:34.999
I am absolutely not ready to die.
I don’t feel I have done

00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:39.999
what I wanted to do in my life. Kasia has
been intermittently conflicted about

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.999
reaching out to other people. How do you develop relationships
when you are not sure how long you are gonna be alive?

00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:49.999
I… I have had some boyfriends
it’s not working out that well

00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:54.999
probably because I wasn’t in love. Really
I started looking for deeper connections

00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:59.999
with other people especially
with my family of origin.

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
After my surgery last spring,
my father gave me rosebushes

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:09.999
for my birthday and he put the rose
bushes in for me. That was a very

00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:14.999
tender and caring thing for him to do.

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:19.999
When I came back to Boston uh… I
started thinking about Jackie,

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
not only as my sister but
as the impetus for why

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
I went to medical school in the
first place. And I felt that

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
I was now in a position where I could
start to make a difference in her life.

00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
I came home from the hospital
and I was pretty weak

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
and uh… I use gardening as a
way to build my strength back.

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:49.999
I brought my sister, I went in to the apartment, she
helped me dig up the garden and put in vegetables.

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:54.999
Here is this person you
have an intense bond with

00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.999
and who you think you can help and
who can be enormously… enormously

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.999
helpful to you. Your face doesn’t
look too good, the rest looks great.

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.999
Jackie herself is a very
talented artist, but still

00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:14.999
her life is rather narrowly defined.
Do you think it looks like you?

00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:19.999
I think it has a… it has a feel of me.

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
Kasia has opened her to much more
interesting times of activities.

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
[music]

00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
I am also getting closer to my friend Erika, who I met at a
party a couple of years ago. First you gonna wash your face…

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
When I am with her I feel comfortable and
playful. (inaudible) rub with your finger after…

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
And she is given me lots of new
ways to approach my femininity.

00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
Frankly, I am insecure.

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
I feel a lot of insecurity because
I have a chronic illness.

00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
So what do you think of my
new uh… filmmaking career?

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
Really! I can’t wait to see the final product
actually, you know, how it turns out. I think if

00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.999
she had pursued one of her
particular interests with more

00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:14.999
a single mindedness I think she might have
found… found more fulfillment in her life.

00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:19.999
Do you understand that I am… I am toying with
a future in the arts? I don’t really care.

00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.999
I want you just to point your boat

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:29.999
and start sailing… Start? What…
What do you mean start and I’m not

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
I have began? Well, you are
sailing but you are also at rest.

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
Make new film is a creative act.
Her mother is a creative person.

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
Kasia chose to become a
physician more like being

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
a scientist the way her
father is a scientist.

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
How do you integrate within yourself
those aspects of the people

00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
that you love in a way that will make them
and you proud of who you have become.

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
In the face of perhaps not living
very long, it was a chance

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
to try to finally in some way
be uh… what both of her parents

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
and she could appreciate.

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
I think the 50th birthday

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
is a momentous of anybody’s life,
but for Kasia to have survived

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
almost eight years from a diagnosis
of very severe ovarian cancer

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
is a remarkable almost
miraculous and I hope she sees

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
many… many more. I still want to be,
you know, 15 years younger not sick.

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
I can’t be that. The chemotherapy finished

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
in November of 2007. Unfortunately
in the spring time,

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
my blood tests showed evidence of recurrence,
of course I have started thinking about

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
having to go for more treatment
and I became highly anxious.

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
Kasia is subject to
experiences of loneliness

00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
that are profoundly painful
and perhaps to some extant

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
she feels as though the
dying process would be

00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:19.999
analogous to those
experiences of loneliness.

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
I went on antidepressant called Celexa
and I stayed on that antidepressant

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
for about six to eight months. And I think
it dulled some of my emotional extremes.

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
It’s very important for Kaisa to try to

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
not only have the normal
feelings of joy or excitement

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
uh… but she also wants
to have sexual feelings.

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
Okay, so I’m gonna swim (inaudible)
Walden pond. What do you say?

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
Good Luck. Okay, I will see you on the other side. Okay,
I will be there. Okay, bye. I stopped taking Celexa

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
uh… soon after I started
dating someone this summer

00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
because it shutdown my sexual response

00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:09.999
and that was frustrated by that.
Being in a relationship

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
is comforting to me. This
person, his name is Joe

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
uh… he is very kind, he laughs at my jokes.

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
I confessed to him

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
that I had this cancer over dinner

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
with the knowledge that he might choose to
end the relationship as a result of that.

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
And he said it doesn’t change a thing.
Well, this is my

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
20th CAT scan here at Dana-Farber/Brigham
and Women’s complex.

00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:49.999
I have to drink this whole bottle
of nasty tasting apple juice.

00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.999
Nasty shit. Hi, Joe! So happy to see you.
Thank you. Nostrovia.

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
Your main oncologist

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
uh… who manages ovarian cancer felt
that in your particular situation

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
you may benefit from a particular drug currently
in clinical trial its inhibitor of a molecule

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
called PI3kinase, I hope of course is we can
find the magic bullet that would target

00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
the one pathway that will lead
to tumor not growing and hopes

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
to kill every last cancer cell. If we can
achieve that we are hoping that it can

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
stabilize things to make your condition more of a
chronic illness that requires some maintenance therapy.

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
I have managed to stay alive

00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:39.999
for eight years, that’s true.

00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.999
There’s (inaudible) staying alive
and thriving and feeling exuberant

00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:49.999
and joyful that one’s life.

00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:54.999
I’m not feeling exuberant now.

00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:59.999
I feel like a stranger in a Strange Land.

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.999
[music]

00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:09.999
I find it extremely annoying to have to go
through this over and over again. I have been

00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:14.999
incredibly afraid, incredibly
at times terrified

00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.999
about what it is that is going on with me.
I am really thinking about

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.999
death seriously for the first
time this has been ever since

00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:29.999
my abdominal symptoms have
become so prominent. It might be

00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:34.999
uh… gas pains, it might be cramping,
it might be nausea or vomiting.

00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:39.999
I was in a phase one with a PI3kinase inhibitor
and they took me off after six months

00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.999
because they found two lesions
that hadn’t been there before.

00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:49.999
There is a part of me that feels like I still
can beat this illness through athletics,

00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:54.999
through sheer bullheadedness
and fortitude that I can just

00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:59.999
machete my way out of this
corner that I find myself it.

00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.999
[sil.]

00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.999
Well, I’m here at Alta for
a reunion of ski to live

00:52:10.000 --> 00:52:14.999
with Christian Almer and her Felicity
coaches. Ski to live is a ski clinic

00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:19.999
for avid skiers to improve technique and
also uh… she teaching them philosophy.

00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.999
Would you like to speak to me cancer?

00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:29.999
Why don’t you ask me some questions? You cause me
pain you want me to have that experience you care?

00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:34.999
If… if I don’t cause you
pain you cause your pain.

00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.999
I am just here. I can either
be a great teacher to you

00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.999
or nothing at all. What do you have to teach
me? Whatever you are willing to learn.

00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.999
Willing to learn but I am tired of…

00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:54.999
I am tired of some of the things you been teaching me. It’s
been too much. I get that you’re trying to get rid of me

00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:59.999
as best as you can. No, I… I acknowledge

00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:04.999
that you’re inside of me, but I just would
like you to stay behave… behave yourself

00:53:05.000 --> 00:53:09.999
and not try to take over my digestive
system which is what has been going on…

00:53:10.000 --> 00:53:14.999
And then that must be very frustrating…
It’s frustrating, its… Yes, it’s…

00:53:15.000 --> 00:53:19.999
its very scary and beyond frustrating.
There are no words to describe

00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:24.999
what it is, but you have invaded my
intestines and I don’t appreciate it.

00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:29.999
Okay. Oh, I am here

00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:34.999
it’s nice to meet you. It’s nice to
have conversation with you. Screw you!

00:53:35.000 --> 00:53:39.999
How about the awkward?

00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:44.999
I’m in between treatment so they were
offering a phase two trial to me.

00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:53.000
[music]

00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:59.999
They tested for receptors and I got a call
I was skiing on the side of a mountain.

00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:04.999
I’m sorry Dr Clark, but your
receptors are negative.

00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:09.999
[music]

00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:14.999
Even in… in the face of
evidence of advancing disease

00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:19.999
I am still thinking about how do I
get out of this box. To be honest,

00:54:20.000 --> 00:54:24.999
I kind of feel like a lamb going to slaughter right
now. I feel that nature is trying to take me down.

00:54:25.000 --> 00:54:29.999
And with my personality
I try to think about

00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:34.999
how can I uh… fight my way
out of this like… like

00:54:35.000 --> 00:54:39.999
uh… the proverbial gladiator in
the… in the Colosseum with a lion.

00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:44.999
Sometimes the gladiator wins.

00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:49.999
You know, when I left you
surgically the last time… Yeah.

00:54:50.000 --> 00:54:54.999
There were still lots of little (inaudible)
in there. Well, yeah, I have chronic disease.

00:54:55.000 --> 00:54:59.999
Ursula says she is worried about
me and wants me to start standard

00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.999
chemo with Carboplatin and something
until we decide what else to do.

00:55:05.000 --> 00:55:09.999
I’m not saying you do but if
you have a chronic disease

00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:14.999
if she prolonging the chronicity? It’s
more than just a chronic disease.

00:55:15.000 --> 00:55:19.999
It’s something that if it chose to
could umm… knock me off pretty fast.

00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:24.999
I got another GI bleeding and how do
you stop that? Okay… okay, so I guess

00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:29.999
my question sort of
theoretically is, is it proper

00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:34.999
to intervene when you have one
of those serious problems?

00:55:35.000 --> 00:55:39.999
Or is treatment why you
(inaudible) feeling pretty good

00:55:40.000 --> 00:55:44.999
going to stave off or delay or prevent some
of the problems? I don’t know the answers

00:55:45.000 --> 00:55:49.999
its one of these classic questions
you ask if this phase of… of… of…

00:55:50.000 --> 00:55:54.999
of treatment for a disease
you’ve had for such a long time.

00:55:55.000 --> 00:55:59.999
It’s also these… these
psychological components

00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:04.999
which, you know, as a doctor you always
wanna treat but as a patient you sort of

00:56:05.000 --> 00:56:09.999
uh… start to umm… kind of get…

00:56:10.000 --> 00:56:14.999
Tired… Pretty worn out with… Tired…
With going back to the cancer hospital.

00:56:15.000 --> 00:56:19.999
Yeah, I mean… You know identity
stamped on your forehead.

00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:24.999
So it’s like, \"Okay, do I get to live my
life now, do I get to have relationships,

00:56:25.000 --> 00:56:29.999
do I get to have like feel like a normal
person or do I have to feel like a patient

00:56:30.000 --> 00:56:34.999
all the time.\" Actually in medical care

00:56:35.000 --> 00:56:39.999
is what I received after my diagnosis from
my surgeon and my medical oncologist,

00:56:40.000 --> 00:56:44.999
and from a relationship with the
psychiatric over a long period of time.

00:56:45.000 --> 00:56:49.999
How do you feel? I feel great.
I have learned from them

00:56:50.000 --> 00:56:54.999
about how doctors give and maintain hope.
This helped me

00:56:55.000 --> 00:56:59.999
to maintain a positive outlook.
I think they learned

00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:04.999
about how resilient a human
being can be in the phase of

00:57:05.000 --> 00:57:09.999
umm… disease and… and radical
treatments for disease.

00:57:10.000 --> 00:57:14.999
You know, in my case music has
been very big and when I am

00:57:15.000 --> 00:57:19.999
deeply engrossed in playing
umm… at String Quartet.

00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:24.999
[music]

00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:29.999
I lose myself in the music and the
deceased isn’t there anymore for me.

00:57:30.000 --> 00:57:34.999
As human beings we feel happier when we
can take action when we don’t feel like

00:57:35.000 --> 00:57:39.999
we are at the mercy of circumstances.

00:57:40.000 --> 00:57:48.000
[music]

00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:04.999
Nature is so much bigger than me.

00:58:05.000 --> 00:58:09.999
It sort of puts me in my place, but in
a nice way, and I feel like I belong.

00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:14.999
[sil.]

00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:19.999
When she is swimming in Walden Pond.
It’s a kind of contentment

00:58:20.000 --> 00:58:24.999
that feels normal, and natural,

00:58:25.000 --> 00:58:29.999
and soothing and comfortable.

00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:34.999
It’s really important that
I keep stretching myself

00:58:35.000 --> 00:58:39.999
that I keep putting myself in challenging
situations in order to grow.

00:58:40.000 --> 00:58:44.999
That I keep reaching out

00:58:45.000 --> 00:58:49.999
to the world around me,
to people around me.

00:58:50.000 --> 00:58:54.999
There are people in my life who
are really thinking about me

00:58:55.000 --> 00:58:59.999
and who are not afraid to
go with me in this journey

00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:04.999
to this dark place… this
dark place of sickness

00:59:05.000 --> 00:59:09.999
and possibly death that it… it
doesn’t have to be a solo journey.

00:59:10.000 --> 00:59:14.999
[music]

00:59:15.000 --> 00:59:19.999
One of my favorite phrases is uh… \"Life
is a journey, not a destination and it’s…

00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:24.999
it’s to part take in the
journey is life.\" (inaudible)

00:59:25.000 --> 00:59:29.999
courageous I think that my
(inaudible) your persistence,

00:59:30.000 --> 00:59:34.999
and your hopes and your willingness to…

00:59:35.000 --> 00:59:39.999
to uh… modify yourself
has to play the role.

00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:44.999
But on the other hand, you know, a hundred years from
now when we are up on that cloud I do want to talk you

00:59:45.000 --> 00:59:49.999
and say \"What was it that you had?\"

00:59:50.000 --> 00:59:58.000
[music]