WEBVTT

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It was May

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10th that my husband, Marcel
died quite suddenly of a brain

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aneurism. And I think
through it all the only

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thing that was clear is that, I had
to do what Marcel had asked me

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to do when he was dying.
Apart from that, I felt very

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numb. It was, use your left
foot, use your right foot. I,

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I just followed what anybody had to say,
I don\'t remember much of it. I lost

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my wife in a traffic accident
about eight months ago, ah,

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coming home from work late at night.
Ah, there\'s questions on

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how the accident happened but in my mind
I pretty well know that she was in a

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rush, paid for it or we\'re
paying for it whichever

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way you want to word it. Ah,
my wife ah, Brenda passed away

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March 13th. She had a very
long and difficult illness

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ah, many, many years. So,

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she had been in hospital for almost
a year prior to her passing.

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[sil.] In many

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ways, ah, it was a blessing.
My husband died uhm,

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13 months ago. Uhm, 13 months and six days.

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[sil.] Uhm, we, we

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were married for... we were married actually
for 20 years but we were together for almost

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25. He was only sick for five
weeks before he died and

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so, it was unexpected.
When she passed away in

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hospital, it was difficult
in a sense because I had

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to tell the people and the
doctors and nurses to

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stop care and let her go.
That was a tough thing

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to do. I, I don\'t wish that on anyone. The

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hardest thing for me in all of this has been...
ah, that we didn\'t get to say goodbye.

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I had a 9:30 night phone calls telling me
that she was on her way back, back to the,

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to the house and I was mad because
she was so late and it was

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one of those whatever kind of thing and
hang up the phone and that was how we

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finished our life.

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[music]

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On one level,

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I knew that he was dead and went through all
the emotions that you go through, the mo...

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Physical emotions of preparing.
And I remember

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being in a daze. Uhm,

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I don\'t think I really started to fully
accept his death probably for three months.

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I know I was, I was crying a lot.

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I was uncontrollable that way.
Many, many times I just be crying.

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Uhm, in my case, I went back to work. Well,
in fact, I went to work the following day.

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Cuz what are you gonna do? Sit around the house and watch the
clock go round and round. Well, you know, there\'s people

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hanging around the house at least for the two or
three hours. I went into work the following day,

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I get focused on something
besides what happened back home.

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And I remember feeling I didn\'t
want to see anybody but a

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family. Ah, when somebody
would call, I didn\'t want to

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answer the phone. I just wanted
to isolate myself at home

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with the children and that
went on for quite awhile.

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You find out quickly that everybody leads their
own life. You find out quickly who your true

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friends are. People that come around
and say hello or just come around

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and be there or knock in the
door and say, here\'s supper.

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Other people seem to fade away and for
whatever reason maybe they don\'t know

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or don\'t understand what to do and
what to say, so they stay away.

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There are certain things you can\'t talk to your buddies about
those or things that you can only talk to your wife about. And

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of course, without her being
there, what do you do? In my case,

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she was my best friend
and she was my support.

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I got through those first days
after his death one day at a time.

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I couldn\'t think... I got through the
morning and I got through the night.

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One day at a time. It\'s...

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Sometimes it was in our time.

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[music]

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After the funeral was over, for, for many

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people, it\'s easy for them to
turn around and then move on.

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And I heard... even

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two weeks after my husband\'s death, people
were saying, you have to just pick up

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and move on. You\'re still a young woman.
I\'m sure you\'ll meet somebody.

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I, I hadn\'t even accepted he was dead.

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There were very many

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scenarios where people would come
up and say, you know, don\'t worry,

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things are gonna get better. Ah, be strong.

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All those cliché as well.

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I know they meant well. I
know I, I found that very

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annoying and I found that very
unhelpful in a sense that they

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were trying to say or do something to

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ease your pain, ease your grief and none
of that helped. After Marcel died, I

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leaned an awful lot on my children.
In their love for

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me, they attempted to do
everything they could to

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make it a little easier for me. And

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at first, I was so grateful for that.
But as time

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go on... went on, I care
for that less and less

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because I found out about
myself that, I want to be

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independent and it\'s a... it\'s
been a little testy every once

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in a while in that way. But
I feel if ever I\'m going to

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complete this journey, then I have
to take charge with my own life.

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It\'s amazing with some of the
statements that people say and how,

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how little they, they help. The one that
kills me all the time is of course,

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ah, well, you had her this length of time, that\'s one. The
other one is well, now, you can live through your kids.

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Well, I\'m not sure about everyone
but in my case, I love my children

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but I don\'t live through my children.
Where she stopped and I began over the

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last 24 years is really become fussy.
So, ah, I tried to find that boundary

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is, is a little bit difficult now.
But ah, that\'s who I lived through.

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So, and that was who we... or how we have
planned to live the rest of our lives.

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Christmas was very, very difficult. Mel

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had died in July so, it
was six months. Uhm,

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because my children were, were
not my husband\'s children.

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My oldest daughter could not
understand my grief at all. And

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for them, six months have passed.
For me, it was the very first

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Christmas without my husband and
even my parents could not relate

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to how much pain I was experiencing.
And I had to...

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I, I found myself trying to put on a
happy face cuz I didn\'t want to ruin

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anybody else\'s Christmas.

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[music] My message to people out there

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especially many instances that,
uhm, all those guards and

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those defenses, ah, they all serve a purpose and
you need them at times but there\'s times when

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you have to let them go. And if you
lock them up, they just eat at you.

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I always want to talk about Marcel,

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how it happened. I told that story

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over and over and over to many people

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and ah, sometimes, I wondered

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if I was losing it. But as
I look back, I think that,

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that was helpful. I don\'t
have to do that now. And but,

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uhm, that was helpful at the time.
It would have been so helpful,

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if, if more people would have reached
out to me and that would have included

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stopping on... stopping in unexpectedly. Most
of the time, I have said, I wanted to be

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alone. But the truth is, I needed people.
What did help was just to

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have somebody with you. Have somebody

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close by. Maybe someone

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which you\'re sharing time and space with
you but not necessarily doing anything

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or talking to you saying, what can I do?
They, they were just there.

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Nobody knew how to respond to me. And one
person said, \"I\'ll be sure that, I\'ll be

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sure we get out together for lunch.\" I
never heard from them. Another one said,

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\"I, I would have gone out for lunch with you all
you had to do was call.\" What I learned from

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that experience was, people
expect the griever to reach out.

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I couldn\'t reach out. And here I was at four
months finally having the courage to reach out

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and ask for help. And again, none of

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these people had lost a spouse,
they did not understand.

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And so, I learned, you don\'t make
the griever work. When people

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offer, it, it is genuine. In, in a
lot of cases, they may not know what

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you need, and you have to tell them that cuz
they\'re not gonna figure it out on their own.

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And I literally had to tell
them in a lot of cases, uhm,

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just because they didn\'t get it. Although
they didn\'t, they didn\'t figure it out.

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Ah, and it wasn\'t because
they, they weren\'t willing

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to go there, it was because they just... they\'re not in the
same place you are, so, they don\'t have the ability to,

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to understand what you\'re, what you\'re asking.
So, you need to actually ask for help.

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And one thing that did help was,
uhm, I\'ve followed the list

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from the hospital where they
gave you a list to, to do.

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And you... I\'m, I\'m a person where I can
be very disciplined and because of that,

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I just followed the list and, and took
action and, and did those things as a

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checklist so one after another and that,
that was helpful. I made sure that I get

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away and take a break, like away out
of the city. Uhm, I go for walks.

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I got myself a dog, that was one of
the best things I did for me cuz

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I needed something to
love when I went home.

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[music]

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The relationships that you have with people

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uhm, whether it\'s at work or whether
it\'s at, at home, ah, socially and

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that, they do change. Uhm,
after being married for

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25 years, having to adjust to being single,

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number one at my age, I\'m in
my early 50s, so I never in a

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million years expected to be a widow.
We had all these plans,

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all these dreams and all of a
sudden I found myself planless and

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dreamless. As the months went by,

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I remember that some

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of the immediate pain that
you have with the loss,

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it was being replaced

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by what I called, \"monotony of emptiness.\"

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It just never left you. It
was a same day after day

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and at times that emptiness

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would just swallow you. As a person that\'s

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alone, all of a sudden doors aren\'t quite open
to you anymore. People don\'t know how to handle

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a single person or an
older person that you as

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a couple were always involved in.
In my social circle,

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people have a hard time
getting ah, approaching me

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especially, our friends, that were our friends
because my husband and I were a couple.

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The couples didn\'t get a hold of
me, didn\'t contact me, didn\'t

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invite me over. They, they
are ha... they are having

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a hard time accepting that Mel and I are
no longer a couple, that there is no

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Mel. In my case, my social life
has been substantially on hold.

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And the reason is, is that, you\'re trying to keep
some normalcy for your kids. So, it\'s tough to

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join the club. It\'s tough to, to get into any kind
of groups where you can interact with, with adults

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because you can\'t commit to anything because,
well, tonight the kids have skating or

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they\'ve got hockey or they\'ve got whatever. That\'s the
end that I probably got to work on the most and get

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some kind of personal and social life just
to be able to do something other than, sit

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around the house cuz, at night, after the kids are in
bed it, it gets a little bit quiet and a little bit

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lonely. I have grandchildren
who have asked me,

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\"Grandma, will you be
always married to grandpa?\"

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And I said, \"Yes, I will

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always be married to grandpa.
I\'d feel that I am

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very married to grandpa and I
know when I put his wedding

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band on the finger next to mine.
It is a sign

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that Marcel is married to me

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and I am married to him
and that will be always.

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At this time right now, yeah, I\'m still married to
Laura. She may not be here, but I\'m still here.

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And I still said the words.

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Ah, but I would expect that

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down the road, that will, that will change.
I should hope it does in

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anyway. It\'s a long time
to live all by yourself.

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I took off my wedding ring
shortly after Mel died.

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And it was really a difficult decision
to make, to take off my ring.

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And I took it off because every
time I look to my finger, I cried.

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And I, I took off my ring

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not because I didn\'t want to be
married anymore. It\'s simply because

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it was so painful to see it on my finger.
So, for me, taking it off

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was a choice of a kind of a
survival technique at the time.

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[music]

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I wanted to have the closets cleaned out of

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Marcel\'s things. I told my
daughter I have to do this so come

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with me. And ah, she led me to the bedroom

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door and I fainted.

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It was so hard,

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but

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when I came to... I still
wanted to do that.

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So, ah, the children came
with me and they packed

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Marcel\'s clothes. And the question is, what do you
do with all these mementos? Well, some I have

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kept and I\'ve just packaged up this other
clothing knowing that they are gonna go to the

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Salvation Army and go to other organizations that
can use them because that\'s what Mel would want.

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And I tried to do it at six months. I
tried to do it nine months. I was able

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to do it at 13 months. It was just time.

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But I didn\'t have that feeling
inside of me that I need to

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keep everything. All
that I felt from Marcel

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was in my heart and would remain

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there. Ah, Brenda and I
talked about those type

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of things about her belongings.
What to do with her, her clothes,

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ah, her things. Uhm, and she did designate

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that most of her clothing and different
things would go to her sisters,

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go to my sister. We did talk about

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things like that and I found
that very helpful, very useful.

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I would really recommend that because otherwise
you\'re, you\'re lost at what do you do with

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this world of, of her things.

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[music]

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There\'s days when you\'d-

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that you\'ve come home and you go, you know,
you didn\'t even think of Laura or not,

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not the way you were before. And then
you get... then there\'s that little

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voice in the back head saying, \"You\'re forgetting
her.\" But I\'ll never forget Laura. Sometimes,

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I pick it up and, and the things I see the kids do
of course. Uhm, there\'s certain characteristics

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that each of one of them has
it, come directly from her.

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[music] At the end of the year after Marcel

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died, a tree was planted in Fish Creek

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Park in his memory and it\'s a good feeling

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to see something that\'s
alive that it is Marcel

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because he was so alive. She
left a lot of legacies. She left

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a series of over 45 picture albums of our

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life together. A lot of her friends because

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they knew her passion for gardening
and for shrubs and flowers,

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they brought flowers and we planted
them around the house and around the

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yard. So, I\'m staying connected by
keeping those plants watered and alive.

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
She also put together this
friendship table cloth that anytime

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
people came to our home and had dinner with
us, had a meal with us, we had them signed

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
in a tablecloth and we had
probably 30 years of that. So

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
we have people signatures, their drawing,
then she would crochet that. So we have

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
those tablecloths and those memories and
those friends and people that came and

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
visit us from all over the world. So looking
back, there\'s a lot of connections that she left

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
me. I spent the, the day
with a realtor, I was

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
fed up. The last thing I wanted
to do was buy a house. And...

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
But I just said, I\'ll gonna get this townhouse just to hurry
up and get it over with. She said, \"Look at one more house

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
with me.\" And I... we went to this
house and I drew... I walked up to the

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
stairs thinking, oh, this is better than I thought
and I went up and I went down and I went up.

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
And I stood in the middle of this house
and I said, \"Mel, is this the one?\"

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
And I heard, \"Yes.\" There\'s no question in

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
my mind that he has stayed
connected with me. Right now,

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
yeah, the, the relationship is still there.
It\'s not what it was.

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
It\'s not what it\'ll end up being but
in somewhere in the transition.

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
[music]

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
What direction and what
advice would she give me,

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
and I know right off the bat the first thing she say, would be the
same thing that I would say, is that, if it had been me that passed

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
away is, you know, get on with
your life and, and enjoy life.

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
Uhm, don\'t get locked up
in depression and sadness

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
and all the rest of the stuff cuz that
wouldn\'t be what you ever wanted.

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
Uhm, on the other hand, ah, easy to say,

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
much harder to do. And I have
changed a lot of things around

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
our home and yard since Marcel died. And

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
sometimes, I just have to talk to him and
tell him I\'m sorry. I had to cut a lot of

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
branch just half this Birch
tree and ah, it was both

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
healing for me and I had this
feeling Marcel would say,

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
that\'s good. If that makes
you feel good, that\'s good.

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
I, I think if Brenda was here,

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
she just want me to be happy.

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
And try to stay healthy and be happy.
That\'s all.

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
People had kept saying to me, you know,

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
move on. You have to, you know, you have to
have closure. And what I learned is there is

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
no closure but you turn a page.
And so, this is the

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
story of my life. This is one of the
chapters and until the day I die,

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
the book won\'t be closed, there won\'t
be closure. But I\'ve turned the page.

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:30.000
[music]