WEBVTT

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[sil.]

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I’m good, I\'m fine.

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Coming in? People are saying, “Oh
my gosh, I’ve got a dead body,

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I’ve gotta get him out of the house, like now.”
You know. If you\'re keeping the body at home,

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turn on an air-conditioner,
turn off the heat, get dry ice.

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I love seeing families walk through
that doorway, The doorway of fear.”

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Ashes to ashes (crosstalk) Some people refer to
me as a death midwife, I sometimes call myself

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a, “home funeral guide.” It is legal
in nearly all states to care for your

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own dead. It’s far more
simple then people think.

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If stores started charging 10 dollars for a
tomato, you’d go out an grow your own tomatoes.

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That’s beginning to happen now with
funerals. Major funding for this program

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was provided for by the Corporation
For Public Broadcasting.

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Additional funding was
provided the following:

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[music]

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Frank, a flashlight. I don’t have one.

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Feet and legs were just ice cold. Now rigor
mortis is gone. He’s loosened up again.

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You need to bury him, because he’s gonna start fluiding, and
seeping, and gasses. So we don’t... we don’t want to wait

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‘till morning. Okay, now what’s next?

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[music]

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Well Daddy, if your around, here we go.
Say good-bye to this old body.

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Family burial plot, he’s the first one.

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End of an era. Yes it is. He had
a long life, and died a natural

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causes. That, I’ll drink to that, Gray.
Always there for

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anybody. Everybody. Yup. Always interested.
Now he can see his life

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His life. Prettys dad John No he
can see all the people he knew.

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And also, he won’t be in that old body anymore.
Ya, ya. That’s the best news, isn’t it?

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We people. We’re in such denial in this culture.
You know, because we don’t talk about death

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and then we’re suddenly faced with it.
We think it’s a failure,

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and death is contagious, even. And
it’s something we lose the battle to.

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It’s a war, a war against cancer,
and a war against death.

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And a war against the inevitable.

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We’ve institutionalized the most important rights
of passage in our culture, birth and death.

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And we’ve become very separated from

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those passages. Which is,
which then causes huge gap

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of knowledge, and we’re always afraid of the
unknown. If you would indeed behold the spirit of

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death, open your heart wide unto the
body of life. For life and death

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are one. Even as the river and the sea are one. JERRI
LYONS What we don’t know, what we haven’t seen

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looms out there, like the big demon.
(crosstalk)

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And once we’ve seen it, once we’ve
touched a body of our loved one. It’s

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not scary anymore.

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What I call a home funeral is where the

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family is involved in creating
and carrying out all the funeral

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arrangements. And it
doesn’t usually involve

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a funeral home, or a mortuary at all.
So beat the drums slowly, and play...

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Now there’s the ashes Cry my young cowboy.

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Now you feel the home
death mood that is just

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an idea whose time has come. If you have a
baby in a hospital, you have a birth plan.

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Otherwise you get intimidated
by the system. So same

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thing in the other end of life. What’s
the death plan gonna be? You know.

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[music]

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In the 19 hundreds

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everybody took care of their loved ones. We died
at home, generally. Family took care of us.

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We were laid out in the parlor. And then they would
build a casket. Or maybe in a general store.

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You could just go in and buy one.
And then you’d

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dig a hole out on the back porty(ph) and
have little cemetery on your property.

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This was just done as a matter
of course in the families. And

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knew what to do, just as they
knew what to do when a baby

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was expected. Caring for our own,

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changed somewhat actually around the time of
the civil war. Because, soldiers would die

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in the battle field, and then, families
would want them sent home for burial.

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And that’s when the practice of
embalming first, began to take place.

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And then, came the undertakers,
and they undertook

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to take care of this for us. And

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with time that just became how
families started dealing with it.

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Come and make a tour of inspection with us.

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First of the three decomposing rooms,
is this the Williamsburg room.

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Equipped for music, and establishing the general pattern
for all the rooms, in this authenticity of style,

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and atmosphere of quiet dignity. In
marked contrast is the Provincial Room.

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Lovely and authentic reproductions of French
Provincial Pieces. Like this period secretary

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containing exquisite porcelain figurines.
Truly different is The Smoking Lounge.

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This modern room meets comfort and relaxation. (crosstalk)
I think the main thing with regard to the funeral home,

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is that it’s a professional institution.
And it doesn’t lend itself

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to intimacy. These people,
it doesn’t matter

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how good they are at their job. They are
just a professional and they are a stranger.

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And this is someone whoever
it is we’ve lost in a family,

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we loved them. And, no one can
treat them as tenderly as...

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You know, no matter how good, or
how professional they are, as

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as someone who loved them. It’s
this setting, this cookie cutter

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place, which has to serve everybody’s
culture. Everybody’s religion and background.

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I guess you could take the cross off the
wall, and put up a Jewish star. And

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take that off the wall and put up some
other religious symbol or something.

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But, I mean it’s just not personal
to the – to the person whose died.

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Most people experience

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emotions in waves. And you
know, it doesn’t come

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like it does in a funeral home. Where you
show up, and you have about half hour,

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or however long that time is that we’ve
rented the building, to show our emotions

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or not. Because, it’s embarrassing,
or it’s – it’s uncomfortable.

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Because there’s a lot of people there.
And it just, um,

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you know we just, unless we’re movie
stars, we don’t just emote on queue.

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[music]

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That is a fiberglass burial vault.

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I had a friend who stopped by one day, and he wanted to
know what it was. And I told him it was a grave liner.

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He said, “Whose that for?” And I said,
“The first one of us that needs it.”

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Oh, I don’t really know too many around that have done it, since my
mother serviced. But there’s been some around that have done it.

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Not only for save the cost of money,
but they, uh, just didn’t care to,

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uh, go to a funeral home or to a
morgue and be bled and pickled.

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I bought two at the time, from
this fiberglass manufacturer.

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One for my mother, that we’ve already used.
And this one here for

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my father. Oh there

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sure good salads aren’t they? I
picked the buffalo meat. Big.

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Oh, he’s going downhill pretty fast. He
had a stroke in August of last year.

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Would you pass me some eggs. Mhmm.
My mother died, uh, in

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2001, and we had a home funeral for her.
And my dad... I’ll take one more.

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Is wanting the same kind of service.
What are the plans

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for a memorial day? I don’t know, we are going
to try to have a birthday deal for daddy.

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Where are you going to get enough candles?
You couldn’t blow ‘em all out anyhow.

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That’s what you think.
What I wanted to do is

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have sever – big long table,
and I wanted to have 90

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cupcakes. Each with a candle in it. I was thinking you
know Well you have to be pretty fast getting them all lit.

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Grandpa, when you were a little boy.
Your aunt didn’t let you blow out

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candles for a fear of getting germs.
With a piece of paper.

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With a piece of paper, and you have to do like
that. Because you blow germs all over the cake.

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For 90 candles you might need an air tank with th
Ya, I was always wondering how we’d (crosstalk)

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get him to blow them out. With a fan blow ‘em
out so we wouldn’t get germs on them, Grandpa.

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Take a vacuum cleaner and
use the exhaust hose and...

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Pull the dust. I don’t think so.
Happy Birthday

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to you.

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Oh, I’ve known for a long
time that I was not immortal.

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I’ve had 31 surgeries. That’s enough.
The doctor told me

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you got three months to live. It wouldn’t
bother me any cause that there girl(ph)

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I’ll just be with Lola that much quicker.

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When I and Lola met, well I was 19.
I saw her in town one day

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and I said, you know, “Would you
rather I come tonight to see you

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at seven or 7:30?” “Well,” she said,
“I don’t even know your name.”

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I said, “That’s all right, I don’t
know yours either.” We started going

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together, and we never quit for 67 years.

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One time we had a neighbor.
He was complaining about

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his wife. All he says is that you think you
were smart to get the woman when you did.

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But you were just lucky, that’s all.

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I agreed with him when I
was – I got a good woman.

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Lola had her ninetieth

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birthday just before she died.

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And she’s been dead for a year.

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Rodney’s

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youngest girl, our Robert, the
grandson, was there when she died.

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So they prepared the body for burial.
And they did a beautiful job.

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Robert, the grandson, he made the

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coffin. And the ladies
in the family decorated

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it on the inside. Keith
and Hanna Knewall(ph)

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made a rope to put around the casket.
And then we fashioned

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handles there for the pallbearers. And, uh,

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it was a kind of a unique sort of casket.

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[sil.]

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To be the funeral director that your license
on the wall that says you are all families,

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regardless of who they are, the least
of these or the greatest of these.

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They are entitled to a
meaningful funeral experience.

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Are all of your funerals exactly the same?

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If they are, you might as well put up a sign out in the
front of your property, “Slowly going out of business.”

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We have to be able to take the
baby boomer consumer of today

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to the ultimate economic offering,
that other industries have learned.

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It is called the experience.

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Disney discovered it years and years ago.
We have such entities such as

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Chucky Cheese, and Starbucks coffee. And
you are care takers of that white(ph)...

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Hi, how\'re you doing? Good. We are introducing
the titanium urns for the first time.

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It appeals to someone that is
very successful, wealthy clients,

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something they don’t want to cheap around. They
want something that reflects their lifestyle.

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In the gift industry, there’s a saying.
“Anything with a cat or anything with a heart.”

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See how much nicer this would look on your
dresser, or in any room in your house, really,

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versus a small urn shape. People like
this, do they really like this? Oh, yes.

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They like this for personalization. Get
this, two space units in three styles.

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I manufacture, deliver and install, (crosstalk)what
I believe is the world\'s best built, personal

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mausoleum. Traditional Uh, nobody
in the world builds what we build.

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Contemporary. This is my partner, this is my wife,
Faith. World\'s greatest woman. Mausoleum lady.

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This is the brand new technology.
This is the finest replication

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electronically of a real candle flames.

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That candle itself will now
burn for 11 and a half years.

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And they’re – they’re indestructible, you can hit them with
at hammer. The funeral industry is a very big business.

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You can put the cremates in here. I
think we’ve been willing victims.

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We’re paying twice as much for a funeral in this
country as they are in England, France, and Australia.

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Take some of my information. But typical
funeral at a funeral home would

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include one embalming, one hearse, one
visitation, one funeral ceremony.

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Either at the church, or in the funeral
home. Um, probably a limousine.

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And the average cost for that, is probably
five to six thousand dollars more. In

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some areas adding cemetery expenses,
if you’re going for body burial

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can add another two or three thousand dollars
to that. In fact it’s not uncommon to

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hear of ten thousand dollar funerals.
We’re from furnaframe(ph)

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and we are the inventor of the
furnaframe(ph), which is a picture...

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It’s very difficult to be a good consumer

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when you’re dealing with the
emotions around the death. Um,

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people are just in an altered state. I
guess you could say, they’re in shock.

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They’re in grief. They’re,
they aren’t thinking right

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or thinking straight. Besides the
fact, that they don’t even know

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what questions to ask a funeral
home when they go in. They’re

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presented with certain materials
but they don’t know to say...

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And you know sometimes feel
intimidated to ask questions about...

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Do you have a less expensive casket? Because it
makes them feel like they’re –like they’re being

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cheap. And they’re not showing proper
love and respect for their loved one.

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[sil.]

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One funeral director told me that
they don’t make attractive caskets,

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uh, on a cheap price line, because people
would buy them if they looked too good.

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In one funeral home, I hear they
keep the least expensive casket in

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grasshopper green. And that there isn’t
anything in the showroom under three thousand

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dollars, that you’d want
to put your mother in.

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The industry talks about

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protective caskets. They’re
protecting the decomposition process,

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from what?

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Because the body is going to decompose regardless. The casket
does nothing more then to hold the body and be on display.

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So there is some manipulation, can be.
Not every funeral

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home is like this. Uh, certainly there are
many funeral homes that give a wide range

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of caskets, uh, for every kind of client.
The casket is the frame around the picture.

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The work of art is in the casket.
There is nothing more

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significant that we do in this profession,

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in our efforts to create a meaningful
relevant funeral experience then

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good consciences embalming.

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What good is solid copper, or solid bronze,
or a beautiful fine hardwood if the body is

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not properly prepared? Good embalming
is the foundation of what you and I

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are all about. Embalming in my
definition is giving a person back

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their basic dignity after life. What the
family is interested in is, how Mother looks.

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Not, whether she’s – not secondarily whether she’s
preserved. And certainly they don’t consider

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Mom a public health hazard. So what they’re
looking for is for mom to look her best.

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We don’t embalm in America
the way the Egyptians did

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for – forever. Typically that
embalming should last several days

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to several weeks.

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Embalming does not protect the public health.
If a person has died of certain diseases.

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That is the worst possible
time to embalm a body.

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You\'re invading what probably is an
otherwise intact body, flushing the fluids

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into the common sewer system. You\'re
putting the – the funeral people at risk

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of blood born pathogens. It’s the worst
possible time. Let’s divide her in half.

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You guys are responsible for the left side,
we’ll be responsible for the right side.

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All right, now the first thing I like
to do is your primary disinfection.

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Now we’re ready to begin to pose her
features. Everybody always gets eye-caps.

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And you bring the eye-lid down so

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she looks like she’s sleeping.
Needle injector tech.

00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.999
Okay, now we have to think about
the chemicals that we want to,

00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.999
um, inject her with. Drainage tube
always goes towards the heart.

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.999
You know, plunge this back and forth
to see if it busts up anything.

00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.999
And that part is kind of
relatively surgical and benign.

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
The last part of the embalming process, I
find assault and battery. It’s grotesque.

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
It’s so grotesque. They have a long hollow
bayonet type tool called a “trocar”, with a

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
suction hose on the end. And it gets jabbed in
near the navel, and then randomly... randomly

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
stabbed around inside the body to pierce all internal organs.
The lungs, the heart, uh, the diaphragm, the stomach,

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
the bowels.

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
And they suck out, uh, whatever
internal juices there are

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
and then pump in more pickle juice.
I think it’s grim.

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
I feel like very often
people have somebody taken

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
away very quickly, and
then later they regret it.

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
They haven’t taken time
to spend with the person.

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
And they’re afraid that the body’s
going to begin to, um, break down

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
very quickly. And, it just isn’t so.
For the most part, it just isn’t so.

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
Even the coloring doesn’t change quickly.
That’s beautiful Jess.

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
Most people don’t realize that
there’s a longer process, several

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
days usually before, the person’s
body starts to deteriorate.

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
I’ve been playing all sorts of music

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
but mostly I’ve been playing the
Catholic channel, the Pope.

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
Cause she loved the Pope, and
the music has been really cool.

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
I thought, what better music? You know, she loved religious
music, and she loved kids. She was a Catechism teacher.

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
This one here

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
is when she was, I think 12 years old.

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
And this one here is when she
was in her twenties in Chicago.

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
Put these in,

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
sprinkle those on the top.

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
Sunflowers, happy that she’s spread.

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
Adalia, all the hope she
gave me with the garden.

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
To the rosemary.

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
Now she like Miss America and
sprinkle all the petals.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
Sure.

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
The holy spirit.

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
We love you Charlotte and we know
that you’ll always love us too. Amen.

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
The most I’ve seen is that somebody’s skin color
will get more pale. The blood pools to where

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
the lowest part of their body is, usually
on their back. So their face becomes

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
slowly more pale. But it’s gradual.
It doesn’t happen suddenly. A

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
person doesn’t die and then they’re all of a sudden
white as a ghost. I mean that’s a very gradual process.

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
In over a two, three, four, day process.
The eyes may sink in a little bit.

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
The mouth is going to drop open a
little bit more after a few days.

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
After a day or two, um, again the muscles are
just relaxing more and more. It’s a natural

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
thing, but it happens slow, so there’s no shock in that
for the family. They’re seeing it slowly, it’s almost

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
undetectable for them.
It’s a very subtle thing.

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
Some people refer to me as a death midwife.
And, I’ve been involved directly

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
with more then 200 home funerals.

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
Very frequently peoples eyes will be open
slightly. You – you can try using an eye pillow,

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
or if you don’t have one of those you could use a
little sock or a handkerchief or something you

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
could put some rice in. Um,
that works really well.

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
But you have people putting coins in the eye. Somewhere in my
past I’ve heard of that. When coins were real coins. Okay.

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
These days they’re s o light that
they don’t really, um, do the job.

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
Pupil, you close the eye-lids, and sometimes
they stay closed, and sometimes they don’t.

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
Especially when... Did you
pop up and open your eyes?

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
Um, when some people die, a lot

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
of different fluids get released from a lot
of different orifices at once. And people

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
are not always prepared for that. We also
tell families to—just for protection, just in

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
case to use a diaper, or
some protection there.

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
Okay, so then I take this. I usually just use
a little towel or a wash cloth or something,

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
to handle the dry ice. You never want to
touch it with your hands, it will burn.

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
This is a very small remnant of what we had
when we got here. Um, you can see how fast

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
it – it dis... it evaporates.

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
How long are we going to
place her in the box for?

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
One, two, three.

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
You wont be feeling this next
time, you know. How do you know?

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
Most of the time, we’re talking about

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
when hospices involved, or when there has been
some sort of diagnosed medical condition.

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
Because obviously if it’s
unexpected, or a sudden death

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
or it’s – or there’s any kind of accident
involved, or anything like that.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
Um, we need to call the coroner.
Um, they’re definitely need...

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:30.000
Need to be brought in. [music]

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
If a family choose home
based after death care,

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
it’s one of the reasons that we
actually recommend that they keep

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
them at home up to four days, for as long
as they feel that they comfortably can.

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
And witness for themselves the fact that this
person that they loved, and who is very,

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
vibrant and very present up until recently,

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
is truly not there any longer. You

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
know we’re expected as a society we – we
care for our children, in the case of child

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
deaths. And – and they do occur sadly.

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
We’re expected as a society to

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
care for our children, we’re required
by law to care for them properly.

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
And yet for some reason, at the moment of
the last breath, or when the heart stops

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
beating we’re expected as a society to
then hand that care over to strangers.

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
And that is unacceptable to me.
And it was unacceptable

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
to me, when I had to make
the very same choice.

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:50.000
[sil.]

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
My daughter was killed

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
very suddenly by an air bag in a low speed
collision. And she lost consciousness

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
immediately upon impact and never
regained it. And was pronounced brain

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
dead, uh, within 24 hours of that time.

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
And, that’s

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
when the hospital told me that she could
only be released to a funeral home. And

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
I wasn’t willing to do that. I c—I wasn’t willing
to send her to a hospital morgue. I wasn’t

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
willing to send her to a strange place.
This was someone I’d cared for

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
from the moment she came into the
world, um, in every possible way.

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
And, I wasn’t going to stop here.

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
My daughter was seven and we had
her here for three days in...

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
Up in her bedroom, surrounded
by her stuffed animals, and

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
her friends, and her teachers, and
her grandparents, and her cousins,

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
and aunts and uncles. And everyone could take
as long as they wanted to, to say good-bye.

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
And that was important she’d left very
suddenly, and we needed that time.

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
Allison’s older brothers were
in the car, when the accident

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
occurred. And having her here

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
at the house, helped them
accept what had happened

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
to a tremendous degree. It wasn’t as if, well where’s
she gone, and when are we going to see her again?

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
And all of that, she was right here, and
they could talk openly about it. And

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
I think not to have things
shushed up, was extremely

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
healing and helpful for them.
Because, there’s a lot of joy

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
in their memories of her, and it will
serve them for the rest of their lives.

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
When a family really wants to
keep someone at home for a while,

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
but the nurse involved actually
thinks that she’s being helpful by

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
calling the funeral home for the family. And the next thing
you know, they’ve got a rattling gurney at the door.

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
And they’re, and they come in
with their body bags and zip it

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
up and put someone you love inside,
and out they go, out the door.

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
And tell you, you can bring your,
bring their clothing later

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
on when it’s convenient. And all
of a sudden your house is empty

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
of this thing that has caused
you so much pain and grief.

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
Where as if

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
you stay here, and you stay involved
there’s an amazing silence and beauty

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
that begins to enter. And that,

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
those, that

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
contrast of those two situations, of having

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
someone you love be taken out the door by
professionals, or keeping them at home.

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
And the contrast, and the feeling
of those two situations is exactly

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
why I do this work.

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:18.000
[sil.]

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
This is my fathers favorite walking stick.

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
I’ll just put it here in his hand

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
I’ve just amazed at how
beautiful his face looks.

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
In his red suspenders look so dashing. Joan, do you
want to put his tennis shoes on him? (crosstalk) Oh,

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
right. Let’s, let’s. Ya. That’s wonderful.
So he doesn’t look like a hippy.

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
Tennis shoes are perfect with this outfit.

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
Ya. I love seeing families walk through
that doorway, the doorway of fear.

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
They’re certainly much more
comfortable in their own house

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
you might want to sit quietly,
in the still of the night.

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
And not say anything, just
meditate with the person.

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
Or you might want to go in and talk
to them, when nobody else is around.

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
Or just cry your eyes out, and not
have to feel that somebody else is

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
just there wanting to take care of you.
Or, cheer you up. Yes, look at this,

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
uh, wild blanket. He loved it. We put
it right on the bed, and he loved it.

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
From the minute he got it.(crosstalk)
It was on his, it was on his bed.

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.999
She’s been his protector

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.999
cause she’s always sitting there by him so.

00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:54.999
That’s my father\'s favorite date.

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
Keep your pants on honey until I come home.

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
These were all the little
things in his treasure box.

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
Aw, how cute. (crosstalk)Whose that?

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
Is this your mother? Ya.

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:20.000
[music]

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
One of the biggest
advantages to being able to

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
actually see the body, painful
as that may be, in many deaths

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
is this finality of it.
And also, experiencing

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
that the person that I loved,
is no longer there. It’s a very

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
definite feeling, that this
is the shell of the body.

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
And we find that people who’ve had a chance
to go through this, move with their grief,

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
in a much healthier way.
They start to flow with it.

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
It’s going to take a long time,
particularly under very tragic and sudden

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
circumstances, this will take a long time.
But at least, they start to move and flow.

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
And they know they’ve been there,
and they in the most supportive

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
and... and healing way that they can.

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
How about one on the side? (crosstalk)

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
Can you hold that box for me please.
Okay, good girl.

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
Put it on all four, put it on the box.

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
She’s free. (inaudible)

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
Just remember(crosstalk)

00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.999
all of us.

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
She just wanted to go out
wearing her cowboy boots.

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
She can take this pillow(ph) with her.

00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:08.000
[sil.]

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
If you think of an invisible realm, and the
physical realm, and you think of a thresh hold

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
as the place where one departs and enters.

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
Those two realms from. You’re pretty much standing
at that threshold. And it’s a very powerful

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
time. People have described
this time as being similar

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
to when a birth takes place.
When a baby is born.

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
As also a very, um, just a moment filled

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
with enlivenment. There’s a sense of
being able to experience those we love

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
outside of their physical body.
Transforming

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
tragedy into something, even beautiful.

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
Transforming grief into something higher,

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
and of comfort.

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:33.000
[music]

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:14.999
Ready for “Pack to Hour?”

00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:19.999
I’m coming, I\'m coming.

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.999
Here’s your third (crosstalk)

00:36:25.000 --> 00:36:29.999
Thank you. Here’s to the time of our life.

00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:34.999
My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, three
years ago. It was pretty aggressive tumor.

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:39.999
And now what’s in tumor is in bones
as well as her lungs and liver.

00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:44.999
I can’t even breathe.
Shortly after the second

00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.999
mastectomy, I got very depressed,
in fact got drunk and very angry.

00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.999
And, she just said, “If
this is, if this is the way

00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
you’re going to deal with my
death, you can’t be part of it.”

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
And that just shook me to the core. I—I
realized that this was it, this was final.

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
I didn’t have time to be a jerk.
My priority is... is Anne.

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
We don’t have much of a future, so let’s just stay
in the present, and be with each other, and attend

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
to each other.

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
I really think I\'m very close, I\'m going
out of here soon. We gotta gave this clear

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
in everybody’s minds so
that they don’t fall apart.

00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
Because people are used to
having me in charge of stuff.

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
I didn’t chose a home funeral. Anne chose
the home funeral and I didn’t find out that

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
there even was such a thing,
until Anne told me that

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
she was going to have one.

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
She made it very clear that she wanted to die
at home, and that she wanted her body to stay

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
at home. I think she
decided to have the home

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
funeral just because it’s the way
she’s always done everything.

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
5She doesn’t like an industrial approach to anything,
and she finally found a way that she could die,

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
and have a funeral that was in accordance
with the way she lived her life.

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:20.000
[music]

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
Anne died this morning, at 2:49.

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
You can\'t really prepare
yourself it’s hard news.

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
No two ways about it. We had
a bowl of warm soapy water

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
with some aromatic oils in it.
Then the hard part was dressing

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
her, but we managed to do it.
And then we just laid her out

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
and she’s there. She’s very peaceful,
and I... I think part of it is that

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
it’s a reassurance that she’s not

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
there. You know, you, uh, you see this body

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
it’s beautiful, it looks like Anne.
It’s not. All right.

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:18.000
[sil.]

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
Very well done. Uh, yes.

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
She was never that cooperative wife.
(crosstalk)

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
I’m good, I’m fine. Have it in? Ya,

00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
There’s

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
a little thing of perfume,
you can put that on.

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:20.000
[sil.]

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
I know. Our Lord we give you thanks

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
today that we can remember Anne Stewart
with love, and with appreciation,

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
and with great admiration.
And Dwight the love is

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
so apparent between the two of
you, and it will never cease.

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
Amen. It is eternal. I\'m a
friend of the family, and I\'m

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
often described as the person
who introduced Anne and Dwight.

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
I had no idea what I was doing then.

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
I just said, “Anne, this is Dwight.”

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
And they like kinectic particles, came together and
have stayed together, and are seen a real marriage.

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
The bitter sweetness of our journey,
is that the deeper we love,

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
the more we are touched.
Maybe the more we hurt,

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
the harder it is to let go. But
what a joy to love deeply.

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes.

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
Dust to dust. Into the hands

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
of God we command our dear sister.
Amen Amen. Amazing Grace

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
(crosstalk) I think people go to the

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
mortuary because they want to put those emotions
away. Because they are afraid they are going to feel

00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
hurt. And, you know and it just isn’t
like that, you don’t feel hurt. You

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
feel intense love.

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
It’s not an experience
you look forward to. But

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
it is a

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
transforming experience.

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
Ya, it is a transforming experience.

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:28.000
[music]

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
You really do have to know
exactly what the procedures are

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.999
in a few states there is a report of death,
in addition to the death certificate.

00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:59.999
In some states you can move a body with
medical permission. In other states

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
you need a burial transit permit. And in some states,
you need a medical examiners permit to cremate

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
prior to cremation. And in
other states you don’t. Uh,

00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:14.999
home burial is permitted in some states
and not in others, so there really

00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:19.999
are variations from state to state. There
are five states, where a family may not

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.999
care for their own dead. Connecticut, New
York, Indiana, Nebraska, and Louisiana.

00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
We’re running into difficulties
in the District of Columbia and

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:34.999
Michigan, uh, but we’ll be
fighting the situations there.

00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:43.000
[music]

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
Home funerals aren’t for everyone.

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:09.999
I mean obviously to have
a full home funeral,

00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:14.999
ah, and care for the body, and, you know, someone
make the casket. You really need a team.

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:19.999
I mean the family can be exhausted.

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
I mean maybe it’s been a long illness. It just might
not be practical for them to try do all that.

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
And that’s what undertakers are for. I
mean there’s many fine people in the work.

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
What we’re

00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
trying to convey is people
don’t know their choices.

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
They don’t realize it’s legal. They don’t
realize they have a choice to make a casket.

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:49.999
They don’t realize they have a choice
to have their loved ones home.

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:54.999
So that’s what we want to share, is that
it is legal in nearly all states to

00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.999
care for your own dead.
And that those who have,

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.999
I can say are deeply, deeply
benefited by doing so..

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.999
[sil.]

00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:14.999
I say number, you say

00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:19.999
one. Number One. Number One

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
[sil.]

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
Let’s get in the buggy. Everyone,

00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
please assemble near the football field.
Second rows(ph) down there

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
near the end or before, um, before 52.
This is high school home coming,

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
so we’re going to have him riding in the
parade. Grandpa graduated 1931, nearly 71

00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
years ago. Faith is also

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
the town where he met my grandma. A lot of
good memories about Faith. Welcome to the,

00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
“Annual Faith Homecoming Parade”.

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
Here comes grade six. Let’s hear it for Faith
Elementary. Go. Fight. Win. Fight Fight. (crosstalk)

00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.999
This is a little line of
Senior Cheer Leaders,

00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:14.999
and our Longhorn football team. Let’s
hear it sophomores. Good luck, Longhorns.

00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:19.999
Let’s win one tonight.

00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.999
Here’s the class of 1931, with Erwin
Richardson, and Bernard Carr.

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:29.999
We’re honored to have two alumni, who
graduated from Faith High school

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
in the class of 1931.
That’s 71 years ago kids.

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
Where were the cows

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
Larry?

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
They\'re scattered all over to the west. This part of the country was
homesteaded in 1910., and a lot of the elderly senior citizens we have now are

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
pioneers. They were the pioneers, they
were the children of the pioneers.

00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
They grew up on homesteads, and
they were very independent.

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
And, at that time people had home funerals, and
they didn’t even know there was any other options,

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
you know, there were no other options.

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
I think what I’ll do is I’ll go up and

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
get a look at this hand dug wellet.(ph)
My dad was a rancher grain farmer.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
We worked together a lot of years. And, uh,

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
well he’s taught me a lot.

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
I think, uh,

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
when you grow up on a ranch, you
have a better understanding,

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
in some – in some other kind of other
occupations where the father just goes

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
off to work. And you never see them until they come home
at night. Kids don’t even know what their dad really

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
does. There’s more togetherness on a ranch.

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
During the different times of the year there’s the calfing
and the lambing. And then there’s the harvest in the fall.

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
And I think it definitely brought
our family probably closer

00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
together.

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:18.000
[sil.]

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
Floors(ph) getting what?
Let’s put that, uh, Lazy K

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
right down there in the middle.

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
It’s pretty hot. Lift up
on the coffin. Bottom.

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
Above it as much as you can, I think.
Wanna get the rope out of the road then.

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
Well I think my father doesn’t have any problem,
with talking with, talking about death.

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
And, uh, being involved with, uh, making him his
own casket. I think he’s, uh, very comfortable

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
with it.

00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
This is our daughter, Anita Marie Carr.

00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:09.999
That’s an open A-M bar.

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
This is my ranch’s brand.

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
N-I-X. And this is our son’s Chesters, his is C bar
C. And this is Keith’s brand. This rafter K bar.

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
That’s just my dad’s initials there.
Bernard Glen Carr.

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
If we put that walking K on top there somewhere.
Well I’ll show you how to read a brand.

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
Well, look here.

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
There’s two, there’s a lazy two,
there’s a P. Two, lazy two, P.

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
Grandpa, I have 10 cows with that
brand on them. You do? Lazy two P.

00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:49.999
Somebody had it that way? Yea. And its
been one branded(ph) in South Dakota

00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.999
for quite a while.

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
You know uh, all your life, you work
together, and, uh, play together.

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
Why would you want to just, uh,

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
ship a member of your family
to the cold old morgue.

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
I guess that’s what...

00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
What I would think out anyhow. It seems

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
like so many families, they’re all together
right up until they die, then they just abandon

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
them.

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
Of course, we realize that upon death
there’s no more soul, it’s just a,

00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:39.999
just a body. But – but, uh, it seems kind of
cruel to me to just kind of turn him over to

00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.999
the hands of somebody that—like the
undertaker that’s doesn’t know them. Or maybe

00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:49.999
never even had seem them before.

00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:54.999
[music]

00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:59.999
Here’s the hot. It’s too close.

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.999
Get me back a little back a little way.
Come on in.

00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:09.999
Right there.

00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:14.999
Bottom a little more. Tip it

00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.999
down. There you go.

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.999
Okay. Very good burn on it now. Ya

00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:33.000
[music]

00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.999
Okay.

00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:13.000
[sil.]

00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.999
Okay. The hands are staying.
Ya, they stay good.

00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:29.999
It’s really cold.

00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:34.999
Ya, it has cooled up.

00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.999
I like to be able to comb his hair.

00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.999
Color

00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.999
looks okay to you? It looks okay to me, I
think he looks pretty good, don’t you?

00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:55.000
Isn’t all pale or anything. I
don\'t know if I can do more.

00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:08.000
[sil.]

00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:29.999
This is what we call a sheep teepee.
Grandpa was a sheeper, so

00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:34.999
we’re kind of going with a
Shepard theme for the funeral.

00:53:35.000 --> 00:53:39.999
It’s going to be a little bit informal,
I think. But we, uh, plan to use

00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:44.999
Uncle Keith’s model T truck as the hearse.

00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:49.999
We’ll use Uncle Keith’s old
Hudson for the grandsons

00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:54.999
who are the pallbearers.

00:53:55.000 --> 00:54:00.000
[music]

00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:09.999
How are you? This

00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:14.999
is a prayer that Grandpa asked me to read.

00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:19.999
Oh Lord, I’ve never lived where
churches grow, I loved creation

00:54:20.000 --> 00:54:24.999
better as the way it stood long ago, and
looked upon your work and called it good.

00:54:25.000 --> 00:54:29.999
I know that others find you in the light that’s
sifted down through tinted window paint.

00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:34.999
And yet, I seem to feel you here tonight in
this dim, quiet, starlight, on the plains.

00:54:35.000 --> 00:54:39.999
Guide me on the long, dim, trail ahead that
stretches upward toward the great Divine.

00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:48.000
[music]

00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:14.999
Father, today

00:55:15.000 --> 00:55:19.999
we commit Bernard Carr’s
body to the ground and

00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:24.999
his soul into your hand. Thank you for
your blessed son Jesus Christ. Amen.

00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:33.000
[music]

00:56:25.000 --> 00:56:29.999
Major funding for this program was provided by
The Corporation of the Public Broadcasting.

00:56:30.000 --> 00:56:34.999
Additional funding was
provided by the following.

00:56:35.000 --> 00:56:43.000
[sil.]