WEBVTT

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Now, innovative,

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provocative, original. The
NECN Documentary Series

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continues with Hidden Wounds.

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[music] During the Civil

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War, it was called soldiers\' heart.
In World War I,

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it was known as shell shock. In homo...

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Of his life, he slowly fell apart.
In World War II,

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we named it combat fatigue. My atti...
was... When I first came back was tough ah,

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suck it up, deal with it. That
was my attitude on everything.

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After Vietnam, it became known as
post-traumatic stress disorder. I got

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bad enough to scare myself, and bad
enough to understand why we see

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men begging for change on the street.
Now, veterans of the

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Iraq war are coming home to
a painful aftermath. For

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three New England men, this
suffering and aguish continue.

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[music]

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[music] I was looking for right of

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passage. Through history, there\'s been that
period of time in a young person\'s life,

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when they have to go slay the dragon.
And I felt that need.

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Nate Fick was a junior in college
when he began to consider

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joining the military. He was a classic major
at Dartmouth College, one of the most

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prestigious schools in the country. He could
have gone after Wall Street or Silicon

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Valley, as many of his classmates did. But
he wanted something that would test and

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transform him. The point, though, is
to lift you out of your, you know,

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in my case, my late 90s skinny latte life.
And drop me down some place where

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I had to live on my wits
for a little while.

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Nate chose the Marines. Sir, yes, sir!
It was an unusual

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choice for a Dartmouth graduate,
class of 1999. Only one other

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student in this class of 1,055
joined the military. Sir, yes,

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sir! Back home in Baltimore,
Nate\'s attorney father and social

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mother were surprised at their eldest
child\'s decision, but supportive. Nate

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remembers first being attracted to the Marines
when a recruiter visited his private Jesuit with

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high school. I remember the army, navy and
air force recruiters standing there and

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describing what they could do for us.
College money, skills training, things

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like that. And then the Marine in his dress
blues marched up to the podium. And after

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these long spiels by the other guys, he said,
\"If you think you have what it takes, come

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see me.\" And he turned around and marched out.
And his table was mobbed afterwards. It\'s a,

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it\'s a powerful message. But college was
the only choice on Nate\'s horizon then.

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He expected to study premed but
was drawn to the classics, which

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he says, inspired him to public service.
Nate believes men who are as

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privileged as he should be represented
in the military. I love a quote

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ah, from the previous general in the 19th century that
says, \"The nation that draws to greater distinction

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between its scholars and its warriors will have its
thinking done by cowards and its fighting them by fools.\"

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Ah, young members of the military
on the frontlines of American

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diplomacy every single day. So I... we
have to ask ourselves, who do we want

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representing us on that frontline? Do we
want Lynndie England who... that the young

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army private who uhm, is in the Abograde photos
leading am Iraqi surround on a leash? Or do we

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want people who, perhaps are more
representative of our collective

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ideals and values?

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In Belchertown, Massachusetts, a quite
community along the Quabbin Reservoir,

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another young man found himself
attracted to the Marines.

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Jeff Lucey had a classic small
town upbringing. Lots of

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sports, fishing and camping.
In high school, he was a start

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athlete and wildly popular. He began
to consider the Marine reserves in his

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senior year. Along with his best
friend, Paul Chaverri. If someone

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was feeling down, he\'d be there to
like bring you up, you know. He was

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just that type of guy. Just ah, he,
he can get along with anybody.

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By his senior year in 1999, Jeff
wanted something more than a local

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community college. He and Paul began
to meet with military recruiters.

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Paul says they liked what they heard. Being
a Marine will be like, like an honor,

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you know. Serving your country and
being a tough guy, pit, you know.

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The benefits and getting discipline.
But Jeff\'s parents, Joyce and

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Kevin Lucy, encouraged Jeff to wait until
after high school to make such an important

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decision. they became alarmed when
military recruiters invited Jeff and Paul

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to a hotel for an overnight stay
in December, of their senior year.

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And I said, \"Why do they have to go to a hotel?\" And he
said, \"Oh! They\'re just gonna take a stare. They\'re gonna

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pick us up, gonna be there for the night, and they\'ll explain
everything to us. And then, return us in the morning.\"

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This was Paul going with them. And I said to
him well, \"Please, just don’t sign.\" And Kevin

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told him the same thing. \"Please don\'t sign. You
can listen but don\'t sign.\" Next morning, he

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came home and he said, \"I signed.\"
Just like that. And it was,

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you know, your heart is just...
I, I don\'t know. I, I was, I was

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really upset. I didn\'t say too much to him about it because
what could you say? He\'d already signed in with an

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adult.

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[music] In Russell Anderson\'s

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family of seven children, it was expected
the three boys would enter the military.

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College was not affordable for his working
class family from Stoughton, Massachusetts.

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You didn\'t buy lunch at school, seven kids.
We brought our lunch in a paper bag

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that we had to fold up, put in our pocket
for the next day. The paper bag lasts

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through the week. Russell graduated high

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school at the height of the Vietnam war and
the draft. Without a college deferment,

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the military was his only option.
Back in my

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time ah, military was the way it was gonna
happen. You couldn\'t afford college

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ah, we didn\'t have planned to go in college.
You can wait around and be drafted or go in.

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Russell joined the army in
1969 and was selected for an

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electronic spying course. He
served for four years intercepting

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worldwide communications. he
returned to civilian life in

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1972, earned a Bachelor\'s degree
and an MBA and worked in a

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business world. But every six years,
he re-enlisted in the reserves.

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[sil.]

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[music]

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Nate Fick went to Officer Candidates School
between his junior and senior years.

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It was 1998. he never imagined
he would go to war. There

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was a, you know, a sense in my class
of, of young lieutenants that,

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\"Boy! It would be great if we got to go to a real
mission someday.\" And a real mission for us was

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a peace keeping patrol in the Balkans(ph)
and embassy evacuation in Africa. Ah,

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combat was abstract. Upon
graduation, Nate was commissioned

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as a second lieutenant. After infantry
training, he joined the first battalion,

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first Marines in Sand Diego as a
platoon commander. My dad gave

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me two pieces of advice. Not advice
so much, just maybe pearls of wisdom.

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But I didn\'t recognize them as
such at that time. He said,

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\"Ah, the Marines will teach you everything I love you...
Too much to teach you.\" Which I dismissed. You know,

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I was 21 years old. I said,
\"Whatever, Dad.\" Uhm, and he

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said ah, \"Stand tall, but come home
physically and psychologically in tucked.\"

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And again, this is the peaceful late 90s.
It didn\'t seem like it will be hard to do.

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Nate\'s father\'s word would take on
more meaning by January of 2003.

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By then, Nate was the commander of
en elite Marine platoon, stationed

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20 miles north of Kuwait City, waiting
for the invasion of the Iraq to begin.

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By March, his platoon joined the
procession of convoys heading north

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toward the Iraqi border.

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[sil.] Get off the bus! Hurry
up and get off the bus!

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Jeff Lucey left for booth camp after his high
school graduation in the summer of 2000.

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His parents say it didn\'t take the
18 year old long to regret his

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decision to join the Marines. First letter
we got was very much like a form letter.

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It was a \"Mom and Dad, I have arrived
safely. the Marines are taking care of

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me. Don\'t send any medicine if I
get ill, they have medicine for

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me, etc, etc.\" Un... totally
unlike Jeffrey. So then, as I\'m

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opening up further, there is this little
paper. Maybe just a small paper by two

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by three. And it scribbled, \"Mom and Dad,
now here\'s the real story. I hate it

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here. I made such a mistake. Uhm,
they made me write this. And then

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he put down, uhm, \"if you receive
this note, I guess they didn\'t

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catch me.\" When Jeff returned
home, he was assigned to this

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sixth motor transport battalion.
He began monthly

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drills with his reserved unit in
New Haven, Connecticut. Jesus!

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Oh my God! (inaudible)

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. Oh!

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After 9/11, Jeff\'s parents
say he supported US military

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actions in Afghanistan. But then he saw
no connection between 9/11 and Iraq.

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And opposed the invasion of that country.
That made it

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all more difficult to say good-bye, when
Jeff\'s unit was activated in January of

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2003. Oh, I like to scream. I just
wanted to grab him and to take him

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some place safe. I... this was totally not
something I ever expected. I never thought

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our family would be involved in something
like this. That was ah, totally

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unacceptable. It was scary. They came, I
remember to write down and I\'m being very

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quite. I hardly said a word. And uhm, see I

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we\'re men. We have to be steward and we have
to be rock and we have to be all these.

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And yet inside...

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It\'s ah, the loneliest, helpless feeling
I\'ve ever had in my life, I think.

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Him walking away, in the back of my head
I didn\'t know if it was gonna be the

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last time I was gonna see him.
Jeff\'s unit waited in Kuwait until

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further orders. On March 8,
12 days before the war began,

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he wrote in his journal: \"Emotions such
as anger towards our anything but wise

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commander-in-chief are ripping us out
of our daily lives and pasting us

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into a waste depository named Kuwait.
Pain and heartache from missing the

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loved ones we left behind. And of course
the depression that forms when these two

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emotions are mixed together.\"

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At this hour, American and Coalition
forces are in the early stage as a

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military operations to disarm
Iraq, to free its people and to

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defend the world from great danger.

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[sil.] On March 19th,

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2003, at 5:30 am back that time, the
United States launched its first air

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strikes against Iraq. then
the ground war began.

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Nate Fick was now a first lieutenant in
the elite Marines special force known

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as recon. he crossed into Iraq
the first night of the war.

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Oftentimes, we were the lead ah,
the northern most American unit

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in all part of the events. So it was
being the eyes and ears. Uncovering the

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route, looking for
enemies, ah, locations or

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checking out bridges. That
sort of mission. Nate

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and his unit made their way up to the central
Iraq, between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers

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where the only Iraqis they saw
welcomed them. As they approach

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Nasariyah, conditions changed. We\'ve been
advancing through the southern Iraqi deserts

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for three days. We’d see tons of Iraqi
vehicles blown up on the side of the road.

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Tanks and jeeps and armor personal carriers,
all destroyed by American air power.

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And so we were used to seeing Charge wreckage(ph) on
the side of the road. And as we\'re driving in the

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Nasariyah, we see more Charge wreckage(ph) on the side of
the road. Only this time, it\'s not Iraqi, it\'s American.

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Humvees with ah, their windshields
frosted with bullet holes and pools of

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blood around them and bloody, bloody hampers(ph)
on the doors. And, you know, all of the sudden

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I\'m in whole platoon set up. And we thought, \"Oh
my God!\" You know, this is, this is an (inaudible)

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.

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Moving north toward Bagdad, combat

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intensified. As Nate\'s men fought their
way north, the fighting was relentless.

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Imagine, you know, put a, put
a 50 pound back pack on and,

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and a raincoat. So, you know, heavy hot
clothing. And now, eat 1,000 calories a

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day and run around all day for a
month with people shooting at you,

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you shooting at them and the weight
of responsibility for the lives of

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20 or 30 other people on your shoulders. It\'s
utterly relentless. Uhm, I now by the way

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sleep three hours out of over 24.
It has a cumulative effect and

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it\'s physically and
psychologically exhausting.

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Lance corporal Jeff Lucy and his unit also
crossed into Iraq at the start of the

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invasion, three days after his
22nd birthday. they transported

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ammunition, food and Iraqi prisoners
of war. The truck drivers

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traveled in convoys along dangerous roads,
constantly under threat of attack and

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ambush. In Iraq, there is
no safe zone and no defined

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frontline. If this is flashing the facility...
Lance corporal David Simmons(ph) spent much of

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his time in Iraq driving in convoys with
Jeff. You don\'t know when you can become

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a target. You really don\'t. Uhm, there can be
somebody behind that chamber waiting to shoot at you.

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You don\'t even know. Jeff\'s high school
friend, Paul Chaverri, also drove

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trucks in Iraq. If you\'re driving a big truck
through Iraq, you\'re pretty much a big target.

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At first I was, you know, definitely
very, very nervous. You know, at all

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ta... every time I was on the road.
Then after, I just had to kinda like

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throw those emotions away. Kinda
just like, you know, if, if

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I get killed, I get killed. If I don’t,
then great. I had to have that kind of

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attitude, otherwise, you
know, you can go insane.

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[music]

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Once the war began, Russell Anderson was

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eager to help. He applied for a
job as first sergeant of the 283

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transportation company out of Fairfield,
Connecticut, a job that would

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guarantee he would serve in Iraq.
Since the duty uhm,

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my country has been very good to me and
it\'s time to pay back. By the beginning of

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2004, Russell was the number two
man to the commander of 150 troops

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whose job it was to transport fuel.
They were stationed 18

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miles north of Tikrit, Saddam Hussein
\'s home town, where the uncertainty

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was most intense. On Russell\'s
second day, his camp was hit

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by murder. Two big booms.
It was close, very close.

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I thought it was a wakeup call. That was a
go, you know. You... we\'re not ceases and

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immortal. Like Jeff Lucey\'s
unit, Russell\'s men had to

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drive dangerous roads, transporting fuel
throughout Iraq. As first sergeant,

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Russell was responsible for coordinating
these missions. He did not have to

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drive, but he chose to at great
personal risk. I can understand what

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my soldiers are all about if I don\'t do
their work. If I don\'t go out on the

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road for 18 hours, or 20
hours or 6 hours, 140°

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weather, I can\'t understand when they\'re coming
back and then dehydrated or feeling, you know,

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pretty cranky. You know, ah,
the same thing, and then

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I can\'t understand if they ah, they get blown
up or shot at. What their feelings are

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unless I, unless I experience it.
Russell came under attack

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five times in over 50 missions. Three
roadside bombs, and he was shot at

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twice. The emotion I got
afterwards wasn\'t fear, wasn\'t

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anger. Ah, coz someone\'s tried to kill me.
And that\'s what a,

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a lot of soldiers uhm, feelings were. You know,
you got the shakes later, but the first thing

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was you\'re, you\'re real mad. \"How dare you?
I\'m moving and trying to help. How dare

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:04.999
you trying to kill me?\" I was, I was,
I was not ready for that emotion.

00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:09.999
Throughout his year in Iraq, Russell was either
on a mission or waiting for his men to return

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.999
from one. He was constantly nervous,
learning in real time the fate of

00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.999
his men. Their email on us so speaks
as this live happening, you know.

00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.999
So I... you felt helpless. Helpless, you know, get
on the phone, communicate on the phone. Call the

00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.999
battalion, the battalion will come for air support or, you know,
whatever we need to do to help them out, especially during the ambushes.

00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.999
That was a tough one. Nate Fick
felt the similar stress. As the

00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:39.999
platoon commander, he says the responsibility
for his men weighed heavier than the

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:44.999
fear, causing him to challenge his
superiors\' orders when he believed they

00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:49.999
endangered his troops. I had to know
that what I was asking them to do

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.999
was honorable, that it was the right thing.
And then, if

00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.999
one of them was killed on a mission
that I ordered him to go on,

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.999
I had to be able to go to that Marine\'s
parents after the war and explain

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.999
to them honestly why their son was killed
working for me and why I thought it was

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.999
worthy. that\'s a high bar and

00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.999
every mission has to pass those two tests.
And if it didn\'t, then I\'d push back

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.999
against my commander. Nate says that
attitude got him in some trouble,

00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.999
but all his men came home alive. I, I
don\'t think there\'s anything heroic in

00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:34.999
saying that I didn\'t care if I got killed.
You reach a point where...

00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:39.999
That\'s just, that\'s a part of it,
that\'s part of the business. Uhm, I

00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.999
cared a lot about my mistakes or my
shortcomings getting other people killed.

00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.999
[sil.] In spite of the hardship of

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.999
driving trucks in Iraq, the constant
threats and horrific scenes of death and

00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.999
destruction, David Simmons(ph) says his
friend Jeffrey Lucey bore up well. He

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
always smile and ah, he always got me with the smile. We
ah, you know, we\'re just trying to make the best of the

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
bad situation. I mean, nobody
wants to, to leave everything

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
behind to go fight in a war, but you know,
it\'s, it\'s ah, what we have to do for our

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
country. Jeff\'s parents believed it
was a trying time for Jeff. They say

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
his letters hinted at a growing despair.
He said something like, \"When I

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
was coming over, I figured I might have
to do and see things that I wouldn\'t

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
want to and I guess I have.
But I know I\'ll be

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
going home and hopefully I can put
everything behind.\" It was also a difficult

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
time for Jeff\'s family. His mother had
a stroke five months after he left for

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
Iraq. I was scared. I didn\'t want my son
go an overturned area that I didn\'t

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
know anything about and then I didn\'t
feel at this point was necessary.

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
Like Jeff Lucey\'s unit, first
sergeant Russell Anderson and

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
his troops also witnessed disturbing
incidents as they drove the road to Iraq.

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
Convoys’ attack, combat, trauma.
When young person uhm,

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
head is... face totally burned. I mean,
black burn. It\'s like a dividing line.

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
Totally, totally burned. Now I was totally...
And was also just dust and powder from there.

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
From the roadside, bomb. I found out
later he was burned right down to bones.

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
As the year progressed, Russell began to see
signs of stress in the men and women of

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
his unit. The military, since
combat stressed teams into war zone

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
to provide counseling on the ground
before the stress becomes debilitating.

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
But Russell says there is still great stigma
attached to seeking psychological help. It\'s

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
seen as a weakness. It really is. Those
seeking counseling generally reposed out of

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
duty for at least a few days to rest
and recover. Russell says he, like

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
others in the military, were suspect of
soldiers seeking help, believing they

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
were shirking their duty. I had two, three
soldiers that would went in another mission.

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
It really and it\'s, it\'s a not left
be assured ah, ah, people (inaudible)

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
. You know, and that put another person
at risk. Now that person\'s gonna pick up

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
that person\'s luck. That person\'s gonna go
take a next to mission where they might get

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
hurt or killed because this person is saying
they gen... can\'t do it anymore. Despite

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
the fact that the military provides psychological
help in the field, Russell says there is

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:32.999
little sympathy for those suffering
from combat stress. (inaudible)

00:22:33.000 --> 00:22:34.999
the primaries coz no one sees the

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
band-aid, no one sees the bandage or the, or the
crutches, you know. They just... they... you look

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
healthy so you must be. Nate

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
Fick\'s platoon pulled into downtown
Bagdad one day after the statue of

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
Saddam Hussein came down, on the
morning of April 10th, 2003.

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
That\'s majority. The people I saw were
happy to see us. [non-English narration]

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
I have photographs that ah, yeah, I

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
just saw recently and they reminded me of,
of this stay. Uhm, I\'m holding roses and

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
I, I literally couldn\'t fit more
flowers in my hands. Ah, and that\'s

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
ah, it\'s hard to remember that now. You know,
giving away things that have gone over the

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
past couple of years. Nate\'s men were

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
assigned to sector of northern Bagdad, where
they were to provide safety and security and

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
food and water to the residents. But
Nate says his unit didn\'t have the

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
troop strength to establish order or
to provide for the community\'s needs.

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
It was a failure in planning, he believes,
that contributed to the rise of the

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
insurgency. We had an opportunity right up
front to decisively win hearts and minds.

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
And we didn\'t seize it. And so we, we put
ourselves in a hole and we\'ve been trying

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
to dig ourselves out of that hole ever
since. And now is a race against time.

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
Nate was in Iraq for three months.
His last days there were

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
difficult. As it became increasingly
hard to tell friend from foe, and to

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
make life and death decisions in a matter
of seconds. When there\'s a uniformed

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
Iraqi soldier on it, indeed,
firing an AK-47 at us, it\'s very

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
easy to shoot back. And then there, there are
the gray areas where you don\'t really know.

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
You\'d set a checkpoint where there\'s
a vehicle racing toward you and

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
maybe it\'s a family rushing a wounded kid to
the hospital or maybe it\'s a suicide bomber.

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
You can\'t know. And so you open fire
and, you know, maybe you never found out

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
who\'s in the car. So it\'s a, it\'s a hanging
question mark. Major combat operations

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
in Iraq have ended. In the battle
of Iraq, the United States

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
and allies have prevail. One month

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
after President Bush declared the war
over, Nate\'s tour of duty ended. He

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
flew back to his base in California.

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:13.000
[sil.] Jeff Lucey

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
returns home in July of 2003.
He\'s here, he\'s home, he\'s safe.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
He appears healthy and happy.
He\'s got a smile on,

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
on his face. He stands. His future seems

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
bright. Doesn\'t look as bad as
I thought it was gonna look.

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
He returns to college, resumes his
relationship with his girlfriend, -

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
Hey, Jeff. - and begins
making plans for the future.

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
But after two months at home,
Jeff is deeply depressed.

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
He has panic attacks and nightmares.
He starts to drink heavily.

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
He was very dissolutioned(ph).
He came back not

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
the same person. As you started looking
at him, and he would be speaking,

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
\"This is not... this is, this a copy of my
son. This is, you know, this isn\'t Jeffrey.\"

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
The Jeff\'s essence was gone.
His soul was... it wasn\'t

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
Jeff. Shawn Lamere(ph), Jeff\'s classmate
at Holyoke Community College,

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
sees him becoming increasingly distressed.
He was just like

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
ah, really withdrawn. He was like, \"I\'m no
doing to... I\'m not doing so good. When I

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
got home from school, I go in my room and I
stare at this American flag covered in blood

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
and I just cry.\" So when he\'s tell me all this about,
like just that he drinks and he just cries and he

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
just like depressed and like. He\'s tired
of this and, you know, crying at the time

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
and then he was just like, like, \"You don\'t understand
me and you don\'t understand. I killed people. I

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
killed people.\" Jeff is haunted
by his memories of Iraq,

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
particularly one traumatic incident.
He claims he was forced to kill

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
two unarmed Iraqi prisoners
of war he\'s guarding. He, he

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
was maybe a few feet away. And
he could see the terror and

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
the kids like, because
basically, he said it just

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
reminded him of himself. He was expected
to shoot him. And somebody from

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
behind, we don\'t know whether it was an order.
We don\'t know whether it was maybe just a

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
comrade. Jeff say he pulled
the trigger so he, he

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
pulled the trigger. When the
military investigates the claim, it

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
finds nothing to substantiate the incident.
We weren\'t there. In fact, no one was

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
there. So how can they disprove it?
I don\'t see how you

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
can disprove it either. How you can
prove it or disprove it, all I can

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
sa... tell you is that something happened
to Jeff that all of the sudden, just

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
planted this cancer into his spirit.
Like many servicemen, Jeff

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
refuses to seek help from the veteran\'s
administration hospital because he fears it will

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
stigmatize him. His parents send
him to a private therapist who

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
diagnosed his post-traumatic stress
disorder a debilitating collection of

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
symptoms such as anxiety and depression
that occurs after experiencing

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
traumatic events. Jeff
continues to decline.

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
And hints that he is in terrible pain.

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
He said, \"You have to listen to this song.\"

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
[music]

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
It says something to the effect of whatever
happened to the young man\'s heart. It\'s

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart.
And I\'m looking down the barrel of a

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
45.

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
[music] And it scared me.

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
Obviously, he knew what I was thinking.
He said, \"Don\'t... I don\'t

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
look at that as a gun. I look that as a tunnel.\"
And when his girlfriend used to get him

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
outta here and he wouldn\'t wanna leave his bedroom,
that song would be going on over and over, over again.

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
[music]

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
After a year in Iraq,
Russell Anderson returns

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
to the United States in February of 2005.
He flies into

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
Fort Drum, New York. I thought I was to
prepared for it and I wasn\'t. I really wasn\'t.

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
I guess you think you go and step back at square one. You
know, go back as you left and you, and you don\'t. Russell\'s

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
girlfriend, Kathy Colon(ph), drives all night
in a blizzard, determined to be there when he

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
arrives. I thought we would just
falling to each other\'s arms and, you

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
know, ah, I spent a lot of with right outfits
and... just everything had to be perfect.

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
I imagined seeing him get
off the plane and ah, the

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
first moment that we met, how it\'s... you know,
it\'s so corny but that\'s... I mean, even at my

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
age, that\'s where you get caught up in. The
right outfits. I mean that was very funny uhm,

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
and that\'s just not the way it was.
It doesn\'t take long for her to

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
realize that Russell has changed. When
we finally saw each other, I did run

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
into his arms but ah, after
that real life hits.

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
Back home in Norton,
Massachusetts, Russell finds it

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
hard to adjust in his civilian job as a
personnel and payroll specialist. He

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
misses the authority he had in Iraq. And
there is little recognition of his service.

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
No party, no parades. Once the
uniform came off, all the

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
photo opportunities were gone. You know, \"Hey, there.\"
Then you\'re forgotten, as far as I\'m concerned.

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
That\'s my own... so that was, that
was difficult. To Kathy, Russell

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
seems distant in contrast to the affectionate
tone of his emails and phone calls from

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
Iraq. You don\'t get off the phone without saying how
much you love each other because you don\'t know.

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
Then you\'re back and you\'re
anticipating that this is

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
the way it\'s going to be. And I had
a soldier come back that couldn\'t

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
talk. He was withdrawn. He was
definitely not the person that

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
I started to date a few years ago.
Uhm, it was hard for him to

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
share anything. With war time
post-traumatic stress disorder, the

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
trauma a soldier experienced keeps
intruding in flashbacks and in

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
nightmares. One night, Russell is convinced
he is dying. That\'s the night I got

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.999
rescued to the hospital with the anxiety attack. I woke
up, I couldn\'t, couldn’t calm down. I thought I was

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.999
having a heart attack, called 911 and
got taken to the hospital. And uhm,

00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:54.999
doctor examined me said, \"You\'re fine. So maybe you just
start, you know, seeing some help or something.\" Sometimes

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
he\'ll ah, wake up in the
morning and then ask me things

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
like, \"Do we have the earthquake last
night? Were you standing at the window and

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
everything was moving and...\" You
know, \"No. That didn\'t happen.\" It is

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
so real for him. Russell also finds himself

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:19.999
feeling angry, aggressive. Experts
say this is a continuation of the

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:24.999
physiological response soldiers develop
in combat when the body is pumped with

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
adrenalin. It is effective in war,
but not at home. Grumpy, anxious,

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
ready to fight, ready to
take on the world, you

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
know. As my favorite saying, you know,
that was \"Bring it on!\" That was

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
I was feeling. Uhm, everybody\'s wrong
and I was right. No one understands

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
what I\'m going through. No one cares what
I\'m going through. I can remember mornings

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
where we would, we would be driving
in a car went 28, and no matter

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
what I did, whether it was
trying to talk to him

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
or ah, looking out the window
the wrong way or touching the

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
visor, he was just angry
with every move I made.

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
And ah, you don\'t know what to do.

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
Nate Fick flies into Camp
Pendleton in San Diego in June of

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
2003. In spite of his intense
combat experience, he says

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
he does not feel changed. There was
definitely a sense that the, the path...

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
The previous four, five months, it just been
like dream or interlude of my life that I

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
could seamlessly go back to ah, the life
I\'d left. You know, put that in a box

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
and ah, that... the Iraq more in a box and put
it in a shelf and not think about it anymore.

00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.999
Once home, Nate decides to leave
the Marines and return to

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
civilian life. He says he has become a
reluctant real warrior. My commander in

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
Iraq used to say, you know, \"Gentlemen, you can\'t volunteer
to go to war and then pitch about getting shot at.\"

00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:04.999
I didn\'t have whatever it is in

00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
my personality that allowed some of
my friends and my comrades, my peers

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
uhm, act almost like Roman gladiators.
You know, I, I knew guys who,

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
who are going out on a mission. It was like
they were, they were soothing up to go into the

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
coliseum, strapping on the grief and the breast-plate
and drawing the sword. And I admire them for it.

00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
Absolutely. And we need people like that.
Uhm, but I, at the end of the

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
day, wasn\'t one of them. Nate
decides to move to Washington,

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
D.C. to work for a security firm.
But something feels wrong. He is

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
edgy, agitated in his
words, wound very tight.

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
Any little ting could, could set me off.
It\'s very impatient with people.

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
And ah, I always wanted to be in control, you know.
Whatever I was doing, I was on a mission. If I

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
was driving at the grocery
store, I was on a mission.

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
I will never forget the 4th of July, 2003.
There is the

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
constant feeling that danger
is near, a hyper vigilance.

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
Like many symptoms of
PTSD, it is useful for

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
survival on the battlefield, but not on the
home front. I was walking my sister back to her

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
apartment and somebody set off
a firecracker of some kind

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
and I was immediately and
instinctively on the ground

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:34.999
next to a car. I crouch behind the car
door and I was reaching on my leg

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.999
for my pistol, which of course
wasn\'t there. And it took

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.999
me a couple of seconds to realize what
I was doing. And when it donned on me,

00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:49.999
it, it was jarring. And it brought me
up short that here I was in Maryland

00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:54.999
on the 4th of July, but mentally,
you know, I was in Iraq.

00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:59.999
When Nate and his girlfriend break
up, he feels isolated and alone like

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.999
most veterans and psychological distresses
convinced that no one can understand what

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:09.999
he is going through. I went to
dinner with my parents and my

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:14.999
parents are loving and
pathetic-supportive people, but

00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:19.999
it was an awkward meal. And at the end of the
dinner, my mom asked finally, \"So how was the

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.999
war?\" And I finished chewing
whatever I was eating and looked

00:36:25.000 --> 00:36:29.999
at her and I said, \"Fine.\"
And we went back to dinner.

00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:34.999
I couldn\'t talk about it. I
didn\'t know where to start.

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:43.000
[sil.] Throughout the

00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.999
winter and spring of 2004,
Jeff Lucey is increasingly

00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.999
despondent and hostile. On the
Friday of memorial day weekend,

00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
his parents have him committed
Northampton, VA Medical Center. A hospital

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
staffer writes in his records,
\"Patient presents with suicidal and

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
homicidal ideation and with
increased drinking.\" And

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
that Jeff is \"...a clear and present
danger to self and others from PTSD

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
and depression.\" But three days
later, after the holiday weekend,

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
the VA doctors determined Jeff no longer
is a danger to himself or to others

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
and they released him. His parents had
hoped the hospital would keep Jeff

00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
and treat him. We obtain the records
and we\'re looking and we\'re saying,

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
\"He is giving three ways to them upon
himself, which is not only does he

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
plan on harming himself,
he actually has a method.

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
Suffocation, overdose or hanging.

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
Jeff\'s discharge papers state the
VA will not treat him for PTSD

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
until he gets his alcoholism under control.
The VA claims, \"It is

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
generally accepted within the field of behavioral
medicine that individuals who are still

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
active alcohol abusers cannot benefit
from a therapy-oriented program such

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
as ours.\" But some treatment centers
do treat both disorders at the same

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
time. I have an issue when you\'re take away
with the... them medicating themselves with,

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
then how are they gonna
deal with the harsh?

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
Jeff is released on June 1st, 2004.

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
On June 3rd, he crashes the family car.
On June 5th,

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
he shows up drunk and out of control
at his sister\'s graduation.

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
Desperate for help, his sisters bring
him back to the VA, but Jeff refuses

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
to admit himself and the VA
refuses to commit him. Again,

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
the hospital makes the judgment that
Jeff is not homicidal or suicidal

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
even though he had express suicidal
thoughts just a few days earlier.

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
Jeff\'s sister, Debbie, pleads for help.
In fact, I had

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
also told one of the nurses that my brother had
told me he had a rope in a tree picked out.

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
And when Jeffrey was there
sitting on the stone

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
right towards the end, we had been there for
a while. Right towards the end, the nurse

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
said, \"Jeff, did you get rid of the rope?\" Which
Debbie said, he went like this to the guy.

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
Like that. We had our daughter\'s calling.
He was crying soberly

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
that, that no one was gonna help. And my
daughter had mentioned she went to that

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
nurses and uhm, \"If somebody doesn\'t help him,
he\'s not gonna be alive next month at this time.\"

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.999
And this person concurred with her and said, you
know, \"You\'re probably right.\" Then we just

00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:49.999
started taking knives and ropes
and le... leashes ah, dog leashes

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
and stuff and hiding them. Kevin Lucey is a

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
therapist, Joyce Lucey is a nurse, but they
don\'t know where else to turn for help.

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:08.000
[music] Back at home, Russell

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
Anderson frequently is in conflict
with loved ones. When a soldier has

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
PTSD, everyone in the family
suffers: children, spouses,

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
partners. He was not sympathetic.
He was emotional... he just wasn\'t

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
there and he did... he had for me a suck
it up attitude about everything. So

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
there was a lot of anger. He was dealing
with things that I, I couldn\'t get him to

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
talk about and I didn\'t, I did not
know where to go with that. It was ah,

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
it was hard. Russell, separated
from his wife, had met Kathy in

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
2003. We broke up 1,001 times in
the first couple of months and

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:51.999
stuff, you know. Uhm, (inaudible)

00:40:52.000 --> 00:40:54.999
we go to counseling, you know,
and all of that. and I told her,

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
you know, \"Pff!\" You know, \"Counseling is a piece of
crap, you know, that\'s for, you know, weak people

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
and all that stuff.\" Several people
ah, thought that I should walk away.

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
And counseling helped me hanging there.
But there were even times when I,

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
I wasn\'t sure. I don\'t know who he was. I don\'t
believe in counseling. I don\'t believe in medicines.

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
That, that was the biggest argument.
But Russell soon hits rock

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
bottom. I was about to be destructive.
Men, never mind explosive, you know.

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
I could hurt somebody else, not
just myself. And it\'s just saying,

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
\"I was gonna kill myself.\" I was saying, \"I
wish I died over there.\" Russell finally

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
agrees to see a councilor at the Vet
Center and a psychiatrist at the Boston VA

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
Hospital. His doctor prescribes an
anti-depressant. The memories and the

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
questions and tests and all that
stuff, and diagnosed me with PTSD.

00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
So, they put me on this. Kathy
thinks it\'s been great.

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
I said, \"There\'s no change. It\'s me doing it.\"
But he warned me about that, my psychiatrist Dr.

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
Mitch(ph), now warned me about that. He said, \"You\'re get, you\'ll get
to feel yourself doing better. It\'s gonna take a while. But you think

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
you\'re enjoying yourself, you\'re not.\" She come
off to bed, you spy her right back down. I think

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
he\'s changed completely. I, I see
him being better than he was

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
before he left. We\'re doing two.

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
He\'s able to be joyful, you know. He
started to, started to take dancing

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:29.999
lessons with me. His
personality is returning.

00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:34.999
He\'s not as angry.

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:39.999
Both Kathy and Russell find themselves
surprised they have made it through the

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
nine months since Russell\'s return. They
are optimistic. The way things are right

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
now, having him come back
to life, I think it\'s worth

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.999
hanging in there. Oops!

00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:59.999
[sil.]

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
Nate Fick is depressed for a year
after he returns home, but it doesn\'t

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
occurred to him to seek help. He is
a Marine, a platoon commander who

00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:14.999
believes he can work things out by himself.
I got bad enough

00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:19.999
to scare myself and bad enough
to realize, to understand

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.999
why we see men in camouflage jackets

00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
selling pencils or begging
for change on the street?

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:34.999
I know now, personally, in this
really how they got there.

00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:39.999
Nate\'s struggles over what went wrong
in Iraq. He says the good he did there

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.999
does not feel as good as the bad feels bad.
We did a lot of good

00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:49.999
in Iraq and I knew that... and I know
that and I continue to be proud of that.

00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:54.999
Fed a lot of people, treated
a lot of wounds. But

00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:59.999
it didn\'t... it just doesn\'t
stick with you as much

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
as the regrets or the bad decisions
or the mistakes stick with you.

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:09.999
Nate feels lost, without a sense
of purpose. Then in the winter of

00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:14.999
2004, eight months after his
return, he begins to write

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:19.999
everyday. Firs, for himself.
Then he says for those who

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
have no voice. That became for
me, like my surrogate, for

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
counseling or therapy or ah,

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
when it was my catharsis. Tonight, I\'m very
pleased, we\'re welcoming local author,

00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
Nathaniel Fick, to Harvard book store. He\'s
here... He\'s writing also becomes a book, the

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
widely acclaimed \"One
Bullet Away.\" With its

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:49.999
publication, he begins to speak
in tour and the road to recovery.

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:54.999
We were only 3 kilometers south to the
bridge. Every tree, every wall and every

00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.999
building looked hostile. I was
afraid, for the first time, in Iraq.

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.999
Against the white noise of the blood rushing through
my head, I heard my feet tapping in voluntarily on the

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.999
hungry floor. My knees stitched up and
down like a sewing machine. My mouth

00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:14.999
felt dry and gummy. Everything
seemed to pass in a blur.

00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:19.999
[sil.] How\'s it going? Russ? Hey,

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
happy birthday. Oh! Thank you man. Good to see
you. Good to see you. As he celebrates his 55th

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
birthday, Russell Anderson is finding
way back into civilian life.

00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
With the help of therapy and medication,
he feels calmer and more at

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
peace. Oh, I feel better, but I\'m not 100%.
In fact I\'m thinking about 30%.

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
The anger is still there. It\'s still there. If
not for the medication, it doesn\'t seem to be as

00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
explosive as it was. It\'s more controllable.
All right. You\'re all better now...

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
Anxiety attacks still happen,
but I can control \'em. Happy

00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
birthday to you... Coz I still go counseling
like every two weeks, but once a month to the

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
psychiatrist, though the medication is
daily. It has helped. Though I recognized I

00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.999
need them I still see these as weakness.
Happy birthday to you...

00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:14.999
Thank you... Slowly accepting the fact that
part of my medication risks my time. Happy

00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:19.999
55th brandy(ph) and welcome home.
Welcome home. Good. Alright.

00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.999
Still in the reserves, Anderson says he
will not hesitate to go back to Iraq if

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:29.999
called on to do so, is spite of the
psychological trauma he has suffered.

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
Sense of duty, loyalty to
my fellow soldiers, pride,

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
self-respect, self-service.
Absolutely. The... my

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
country has been good to me.
Nate Fick now is a graduate

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
student at Harvard University. He is
pursuing degrees in business and government.

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
Nate calls himself one of the lucky ones.
He says although

00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
combat nearly unhinged him, he
is healthy now, physically and

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
mentally. I think it might be the only thing I\'ve
ever done in my life that was truly significant.

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
The only time I ever made decisions that
really had an impact. And I\'m, I\'m proud of

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
it and I\'m grateful to the people
I was with. I\'m happy I did it.

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
Given everything that happened, I still
wouldn\'t have made any other choice.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
I came back from Iraq war\'s off and

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
I was able to shed the bad and
hang on to the good and it, it has

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
left me better for it, better
for the experience. Uhm,

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
and I\'m grateful and I
don\'t wanna squander that.

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
By June 2004, Jeff Lucey is worst than he

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
has been since his return from Iraq. His
parents say he has secluded himself

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
in his room, that he hears voices
and he\'s plagued by night terrors.

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:56.000
All of the sudden, now the (inaudible)

00:47:56.001 --> 00:47:59.999
said that, \"Can I sit on your lap?\"

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
And he ah, he

00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
used to sit on my lap all the time. And, you
know, I felt awkward a little bit but I said,

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
\"Sure.\" You know, and Jeff get
onto my lap and there was scratch

00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:16.000
in the back of his neck. (inaudible)

00:48:16.001 --> 00:48:19.999
hair. And he sat there for

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
ah, that\'s ah, after one o\'clock. He
sat here for about 45 minutes. He

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
didn\'t say much. Uhm,

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
and I don\'t know

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
i... i... I doubt if

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
anybody will understand, but
it made me feel better.

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
For a period of time, Jeff stops drinking.
And he\'s willing to get

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
help from VA Hospital. Joyce Lucey
calls the VA and pleads with them to

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
take Jeff in before he starts
drinking again. She says the VA

00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
tells her she will have to wait for an opening
and advices her to take Jeff to outpatient

00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:08.999
counseling at the Vet Center. When you\'re in crisis, I
think you really have to scoop these people (inaudible)

00:49:09.000 --> 00:49:10.000
the

00:49:10.001 --> 00:49:14.999
system and I can just say, \"Now they\'re willing or now
they\'re able and we\'re taking them. And I think Jeff

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
was a very... he was in bad shape.\" There
was no question he was in really bad

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
shape. In this case we were
scared we were losing him.

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
On Saturday, June 19, the
family travels to Camp

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
Sunshine, a retreat in Maine for children
with life threatening diseases, where the

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
Luceys had volunteered for 18 years.
When Jeff starts drinking again,

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
his father brings him home.

00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:49.999
On Tuesday, June 22nd, Kevin
Lucey returns from work at

00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.999
6:45. he finds no signs of Jeff.

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
But the sala door is open. He
goes downstairs and is surprised

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
to see Jeff\'s pictures on the floor.
It was his

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
platoon picture in the center and
had some blood on it. He had the

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
pictures of the sisters on each side.
Then he had his battalion coat.

00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
From the corner of my eye, I saw Jeff.
And I thought he was standing there.

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
Ah, so I turned around

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
and uhm, he was

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
hanging over the beam.

00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:36.999
Ah, the (inaudible)

00:50:37.000 --> 00:50:39.999
holes

00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:42.999
and uhm, crazy so many (inaudible)

00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:44.999
.

00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:49.999
Uhm, he looks so peaceful. He

00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:54.999
really did look at rest and
uhm, I went over there and

00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:59.999
I yelled some... I don\'t know what.
Maybe his name or just a scream.

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.999
Anyways, I got my ah,
legs underneath him and

00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:09.999
pushed him up so I could take
the holes from around his neck.

00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:14.999
And uhm, he was so

00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.999
cold and he was so clammy. And I just...

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.999
After I got the holes
gone, just hugged him,

00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:29.999
put him down and uhm,

00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:34.999
I ran up the stairs. I called the police.

00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:39.999
I don\'t know what I said to the police.
But I said, you know,

00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.999
\"Uhm, I believe my son\'s
dead.\" And then I went

00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:49.999
downstairs and I kept him company.
Joyce Lucey

00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:54.999
and her daughter Debbie, still at Camp
Sunshine call home when they don\'t hear from

00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:59.999
Kevin. When I called he
was just uhm, I couldn\'t

00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.999
really get anything out of him. I got, you know,
uhm, I... are you okay? And the answer\'s like,

00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.999
\"No.\" And I remember my mom
being on the phone with him

00:52:10.000 --> 00:52:14.999
and she... I remember like the
panic in her voice. So I

00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:19.999
said, \"Is he dead?\" And he couldn\'t
really answer me. And I was very selfish.

00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.999
I, I, I didn\'t wanna go through the hurt

00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:29.999
of ah,

00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:34.999
of telling them that I let their son and

00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.999
brother die. Finally,
Kevin calls his daughter.

00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.999
I remember my dad on the phone and he, he

00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.999
said, -

00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:54.999
[sil.] - \"Your brother is feeling no pain.

00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:59.999
He\'s passed away.\" Jeff Lucey was 23

00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:04.999
years old. Later, his parents
found two notes. One says,

00:53:05.000 --> 00:53:09.999
\"Dad, please don\'t look. Just
call the police. I love you.

00:53:10.000 --> 00:53:14.999
Jeff.\" In the other, Jeff
asks for forgiveness,

00:53:15.000 --> 00:53:19.999
explaining that he had a happy
childhood, but now the pain is too

00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:24.999
much. On June 22nd, the day Jeff takes his

00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:29.999
life, his parents received a letter from
the North Hampton VA Center scheduling an

00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:34.999
appointment for Jeff for July 13,
three weeks after his mother

00:53:35.000 --> 00:53:39.999
had called, pleading for immediate help.

00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:44.999
[music] Kevin and Joyce

00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:49.999
Lucey anguished over what more they
could have done to save their son. Jeff

00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:54.999
was seeing a therapist and a councilor.
But experts say, with severe cases of

00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:59.999
PTSD, it is likely only long-term
residential treatment would have helped.

00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:04.999
And he\'s a, a veteran of the Unite States,

00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:09.999
supposedly, you know, were supposed
to have this great system to help our

00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:14.999
veterans which are so important. And
they are. But the system wasn\'t able to

00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:19.999
help. United States Senator John
Kerry has asked the inspector

00:54:20.000 --> 00:54:24.999
general of the Department of Veterans Affairs
to investigate Jeff\'s death. He and the

00:54:25.000 --> 00:54:29.999
Luceys want to know whether the North
Hampton VA Hospital provided Jeff

00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:34.999
appropriate care and they want all medical
records relating to Jeff\'s treatment

00:54:35.000 --> 00:54:39.999
released, which so far
the VA refuses to do.

00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:44.999
The case now is under review. The
hospital is unwilling to discuss Jeff

00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:49.999
Lucey\'s case. I just think that he saw
things that just... he just could not

00:54:50.000 --> 00:54:54.999
incorporate in his being and, and live
with it and accept it. Even though his

00:54:55.000 --> 00:54:59.999
body died here, his soul died in Iraq.

00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.999
We represent those with
hidden wounds, who become the

00:55:05.000 --> 00:55:09.999
unknown and the uncounted. We represent those
who have reached out in their needs (inaudible)

00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:14.999
. Let not another parent experience

00:55:15.000 --> 00:55:19.999
what we experienced. Let there not be
another individual who will find their

00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:24.999
only escape from pain and torment, of
the boredoms of war be the taking of

00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:29.999
their own life. Let this country
utilize the best and the

00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:34.999
brightest to assure an effective health
care system for those who answer this

00:55:35.000 --> 00:55:39.999
country\'s calls to arms.

00:55:40.000 --> 00:55:45.000
[music]

00:56:05.000 --> 00:56:10.000
[music]