WEBVTT

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[sil.]

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Now when it comes to whining, I don\'t consider
that a uh, psychological problem, I consider that

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a character fault. I hate whiners,

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I\'ve hated whiners my whole life, and I have tried
very hard not to be one myself. And I think

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anybody that gets a death sentence,

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be it can-, uh, whether it\'s cancer or
anything else, such as I have, that then

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proceeds to whine and say, \"Why me?\"
and sp-, and, and spin their wheels

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over that question, they\'re just
wasting time. They\'re wasting

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what could be quality time.

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[sil.]

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There\'s three truths. You\'re going to
die, I\'m going to die, we are all going

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to die at some point. None of
us will get out of this place

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alive. I may die tomorrow. You may not.
Everyone dies.

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And that\'s not a terrible thing. People fear death
because it\'s, we all know it\'s gonna happen.

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If it\'s n-, it\'s gonna happen to us, and it\'s gonna
happen to people that we love. And it\'s so scary,

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and there\'s nothing we can do to control that. Yeah, I
mean, I\'ve always known that was gonna die sometime.

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I think all of us think it\'s gonna be later.
People are more afraid of the act of dying

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than they are of death. Death,
that it\'s chasing me down,

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that it\'s chasing everybody
down, and it\'s just a terrible,

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terrible, inevitable monster. And we
don\'t have anyone who has come back

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and given a good report about that.
What I\'m afraid of

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is, is what it would do to my family. That\'s,
that\'s my fear. You know, and some people

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are concerned about \"my legacy\" or \"a
memorial to me\" or \"did I write this

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book?,\" \"did I make my mark in the world?\" We
afraid of anything we don\'t know and we don\'t

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understand. And we\'re not taught how to
deal with death. We\'re not how to-, taught

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to deal with other people\'s death or our own
death. So we don\'t have any kind of, a bank

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of information to pull from. Oh, gosh,
time is running out. I haven\'t made my

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relationships with people the way I wanted
them. I\'ve screwed those up, in a way.

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I would to live another 20 years. Don\'t get me
wrong. I\'m not happy about dying now. I mean,

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\'scuse me, I\'ll take any extra time I
can get. But if I am going to die,

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that is natural. People die.

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I remember that when my grandmother was murdered,
it was after that, you know, my sister had died and

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I was probably nine years old. And uh,
my mom and dad, they were getting

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th-, a divorce, so my dad wasn\'t at home. And
uh, I would call my dad every single night,

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saying, \"Dad, I\'m afraid of death, I\'m
afraid of dying. I don\'t want you to die.

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I don\'t want Mom to die.\" And uh, this
was something that kept awake every

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single night. And then when I was
14, my dad dies of a heart attack.

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Thing I remember is a couple days later, after
my dad had died, is we all shuffling into the

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school library to watch the Challenger launch.
And that exploded. And, and so, for me,

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it was like, everybody\'s dying. There\'s
no safety, there\'s-, uh, we\'re all

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gonna die. So wi-, with that outlook, I didn\'t
care about school. What, what does school matter

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when, you know, you\'re gonna die anyways?
If death doesn\'t do

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anything else, it gets our attention. Every
time, it gets our attention. So it\'s this

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pervasive experience that no one\'s talking about. It\'s
like the elephant in the room. And we\'re, you know,

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we\'re all running away, distracting
ourselves with something

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that makes us feel we are in control. And I
think when you face it, it, it is a fear,

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but you find that you have the
courage to face it. At lot of

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people out there, apparently they don\'t
realize we were born to die. And I do realize

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that. I remember one time a
friend of my dad\'s said, um, uh,

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to my dad, he says, \"Boy, your daughter sure is
brave,\" and my dad said, \"Nah, she\'s just too

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stupid to be scared.\"
And maybe that\'s what\'s

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going on right now! I\'m just
too stupid to be scared!

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[sil.]

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I have lung cancer. It is now July of \'08.

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I\'m five months past my expiration
date, so I consider myself

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to be pretty lucky.

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I have a diagnosis of lung cancer
that I\'ve had for four years now.

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And I do have brain and
bone metastasis. I hadn\'t

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a clue that anything was really wrong.
I had this little cough.

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And I went to the doctor, and I told her about it, and she said,
\"Well, let\'s get an x-ray,\" and she sent me downstairs, and I got

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the x-ray, and by the time I got back up to her
office, she had it on her computer screen. And

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there was a big, giant tumor. I mean,
I\'m incredibly fortunate to be alive

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because with my diagnosis, I think I\'m like
in the 2 percentile at this point in time.

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So I keep thinking, \"Gosh,
I\'ve had this time,\" and,

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you know, \"Have I used it well?\" or, \"Why
have I had this time?\" It\'s very challenging

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to deal with your own death. First of all, I, I
remember Kubler-Ross talking about the fact that it\'s

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really difficult to even envision yourself
dying. It\'s very hard to imagine yourself not

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being. If the disease is
progressing quickly, they

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have a sense of urgency to get things done.
You know, at the same time I have

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to say, it\'s not easy. It\'s, it\'s really been
a hard four years. There\'s not one experience

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that anyone who is dying of cancer can
have that\'s outside the realm of our own

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personal experience. The day the doctor
tell you that you have cancer, it doesn\'t

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matter what kind of cancer or what stage,
you feel like you\'ve just been handed

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a death sentence. Your life changes, and it\'ll
never be the same again. And it doesn\'t

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matter if it\'s a cancer that has a 99%

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survival rate or one that has 1%, your
life changes. Your perspective on your

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relationships, your beliefs. Before
my diagnosis, I would probably say,

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\"Gosh, I know real well that I could step
off a curb and be hit,\" but I have to tell

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you, when you have a terminal diagnosis,
you don\'t have that perspective anymore

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cuz you know you\'re probably gonna
die within a limited time period.

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Once it leaves the lungs, there are three likely
places for it to go. One is brain, one is

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bone, one is liver. Brain is the one that
scares me. I\'ve kinda lived and died by mine.

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There are-, my brains are important to me.
I\'ve, I\'ve used them.

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But I have been told that I am
unusual, and I have been told this

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by a number of people in the medical profession
who have said that, that it\'s more likely when

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a person is dying that they will go
into denial and not face it head-on.

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You\'re not in a situation
where the old uh, ways

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of relating to each other work anymore. So you\'re in a situation
where you\'re being very present with what\'s happening

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day in and day out. And I
think it\'s fair to say that

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people that have a level
of wisdom and a level of

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spirituality and a level of
acceptance have a much easier time.

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As to why I feel so good when
I, my prognosis is so bad,

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I don\'t know. My oncologist said, \"You\'re doing something
right, and I don\'t know what it is, but whatever you\'re doing,

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don\'t stop.\" I think Cindy is a

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wonderful, very brave person.

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Very much of a risk-taker, and
letting things fall where they may.

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[sil.]

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As I\'m out of treatment and have a couple
of months where I\'m feeling more energy,

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you know, there\'s a tendency to kind of fell
like, \"Oh, everything\'s normal again.\" Then

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all of a sudden, you know, you get all these
MRis and all these tests coming out. Then

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the reality of it really
comes back in a harsh way.

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I am transformed by the experience of being

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with those who are facing their own mortality. In fact, that\'s
why I work with cancer patients, because they are my greatest

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teachers. Because the masks come off, and
people deal with you from their hearts.

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And in everyday life people are
afraid to unmask themselves,

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to give you that kind of revelation of themselves. They
have a different awareness and a different experience

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of life than most of us do.
It makes almost more stark

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the contrast between how I live
my life now, post-death-sentence,

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versus before. Because before
I took it all for granted.

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And I don\'t take anything
for granted anymore.

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Well, there\'ve been some recent studies

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regarding vitamin D and cancer. Yes. And I thought maybe
it was time for me to get it. Can\'t hurt. You know.

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Yes, it\'s a really, a really great supplement.
It\'s not like I\'m not dying anyway, so trying

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You could make your own. Exactly.
Exactly. I\'m not on any chemo

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anymore. I\'m not any traditional treatments. There
is no reason for me not to try some of these things.

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If I were to guess, I would guess that I
probably have at least another three months

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that may be pain-free,
that I may have energy, or

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next week my heart may stop. We don\'t know.
I plan to enjoy

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every day to the fullest until then. Her
attitude on life and quality of life is

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the most incredible thing I\'ve ever
experienced. She feels my heart more than

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I could ever do anything for her. I
decorated the heck outta this deck.

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I had Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
I had Frosty the Snowman, I had

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lights all over the place. I had four
Christmas trees. And you know what?

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I left them up until late March which
is when started the garden cuz I said,

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\"This might be my last Christmas, and I\'m gonna make
the most of it.\" So I had it, it lasted four months.

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I\'m at a point now where

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I can say I\'ve been able to integrate this
into my life, rather than just thinking,

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\"That\'s the end.\" I may have become adjusted to
the fact that I\'m dying, but that doesn\'t mean

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I wanna go any sooner than I have to. There\'s
still too many things I wanna be doing. You know,

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life is interesting, and, and there\'s a lot of
things that are important and a lot of things

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that you wanna do. And be creative
and be of service and work and

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you know, and you, you deal with that every day in
your life. But when I think you\'re in this kinda

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situation, I still deal with that. But
deaths come in many forms. The death of a

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relationship, the death of an experience at a
work situation where people may have been,

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you know, in a family-like environment for
15, 20 years, and that comes to an end with

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the termination. So there are many terminations
or ending points throughout our lifespan

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that I think are there to prepare us for
the ultimate end of our lives. I have

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a friend, and both of us ov-, since we\'ve been
diagnosed, we\'ve been complemented by other people,

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\"You are so brave,\" or, \"You are so
courageous. You\'re facing this head-on,

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so on and so forth.\" And we have had private conversations
with each other about the fact that either that is true,

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or we are both in total denial. And we won\'t
know until the end what, which is true.

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For all we know, we\'re gonna turn into whimpering,
whining babies when we get to the end.

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I mean, who knows? It\'s quite a journey
where I think your life is just amplified,

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and you really, things are
in focus, and you\'re really

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in a corner dealing with them.

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This is what I take daily. Now
that I know that I\'m dying,

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with a timetable as versus the
fact that all of us are dying,

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I have learned to treasure every day.
I wake up in the morning

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happy to have awakened. Yes!

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[music]

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My days, I treasure the activities

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of my days or the non-activities. I treasure
the days that I grab a paperback and

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go lay down out on the swing and read
for a few hours in the afternoon.

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My wish list? Oh, when I get down to
the last two weeks, peanut butter,

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jelly, homemade fudge, uh,

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my brother\'s homemade blackberry jelly, my mother\'s
and my sister-in-law\'s homemade fudge, and

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Baileys on the rocks, lots
of Baileys, few rocks.

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I can take you right here. Okay.
Thank you. Yes, I am a

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pragmatic person. In my own way.
Pragmatic with lots of flights of fancy.

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Do those go together? I don\'t think so.
There\'s uh, there\'s a bit of a

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uh, contradiction there, but,
I mean, I know I\'m dying.

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That, that is a given. I\'m a stage 4b, I\'m
definitely dying. I metastasized to the liver.

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There\'s no doubt I\'m going down. But my short-term
goal, and it\'s my number-one goal, is to live

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through the first Tuesday in November.
I want to not only be able to cast

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my vote for Barack Obama, but I
wanna to see him win, which I\'m

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positive he\'s going to do. And I\'m not positive it can
happen without me, so I\'m just gonna have to stay

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alive. All right!

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That\'s all we need today. The same failed
politics that we\'ve seen over the last

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eight years, and somehow expect a
different result. Uh, we need fundamental

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change in this country.
Often it\'s the family

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who wants the patient to keep fighting.

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We want people here, so we will watch them suffer, we
will cater to them, we\'ll bring water just to keep them

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alive because we need them to
be alive, not because of what

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they uh, uh, what they are, they are going through
themselves. They feel that the patient is giving

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up, and they wanna rally the patient to
keep fighting, and it causes a lot of

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anxiety for the patient who often
times is ready, ready to accept

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\"this is the end phase of my life.\" When
my mother died, if I coulda kept her alive

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on, on ventilators or whatever, just
to be here, I\'d probably would\'ve

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been selfish to so-, some extent. Uh, but I
realize that she was tired and it was time.

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Another day, another two
days, another three.

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Excuse me. This is a person who is dying,
whose life is miserable. Uh, you\'ve got \'em

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on all kinds of pain medicine while
giving them food and, and water

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to keep them alive. This,
this is not, this is

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putting yourself first.

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Family members may stay in denial
for a very long time, so that

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the person who is dying realized that, \"If I try to
engage with you about this, about my experience,

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and I get, \'Oh no, you\'re gonna be fine.\'
\"\" We gotta try physical therapy. We,

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you need to take this medication. You need to get up every
day. That\'s the problem, you\'re not getting up every day.\"

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They recognize they\'re hitting a wall.
Then the patient begins to

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stop talking about it because they
see that it\'s provoking anxiety.

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You\'re witness to their suffering and there\'s a,
a great sense of futility because often you can

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do so little to alleviate the suffering.
My oncologists

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and I had a long discussion. There
are only two other potential

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chemos out there for me to try. Both of them
have less than a 20% chance of working,

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more like 10%. And they\'ve got about a
90% chance of being toxic to my health.

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So I have opted to stop all therapy.
That can be a very complex

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situation because you have competing
ideas of how people want to proceed.

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I have chosen for voluntary refusal of water
and nutrition when I get down to the,

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toward the end. And for palliative
sedation. Palliative sedation

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is when the patient asks to be put
in a coma. I want that to happen

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if I reach the point where I\'m in
incredible pain. If I\'m miserable,

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put me out of my misery. Put me into a coma status.
That is not considered to be euthanasia or

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physician-assisted suicide under the law.
I may not be able to control death

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itself, but I can control the details
and make it as pleasant as possible for

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both me and my family. And that way, they don\'t have
to make decisions and second-guess later whether

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or not it was the right one because I\'ve
made those decisions ahead of time.

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You know, I deal with my own diagnosis
and my own ups and downs and,

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:04.999
and without minimizing it,
I also try to remember

00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:09.999
there are just so many people in this world
that have got very different circumstances

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.999
than I. You know, and I\'m incredibly
grateful for what I\'ve got. There\'s always

00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.999
somebody out there that has it worse.
My mother is

00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.999
experiencing some form of dementia.
She needs

00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.999
help with every aspect of her life.
She needs to be fed and

00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.999
uh, cleaned, and she can\'t
do anything for herself.

00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:39.999
I enjoy my time with my mother. And

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:44.999
going there is like a sanctuary. And
it\'ll be interesting to see if I

00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:49.999
really am open and finished with the gifts
she\'s given me or if I\'m holding onto her for

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.999
some reason, I dunno. For some
reason she\'s staying. You know,

00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.999
that\'s the gift that, that that particular
person is stowing upon us. You know, of opening

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.999
our eyes and expanding into an awareness that there\'s so
much more to be experienced through this than what we

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.999
perceive as grief and suffering and loss
and separation. That if we can, if we can

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.999
open up to a whole new experience then we
will all be profoundly affected. I\'ve seen

00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.999
that she teaches profoundly
and is a presence

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.999
of great import to my life.
And I\'m learning

00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.999
daily from her. And uh, and the
opportunities that her life right now has

00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:34.999
presented me. You really
learn so much about living

00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:39.999
that that is, that\'s the real gift.

00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.999
How\'re you going to learn
about your own mortality

00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.999
unless someone close to you dies?
I lost my husband 5 1/2 years

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.999
ago, and it was a sudden
death and a tragic death.

00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.999
Had to take him off life support.
Uh, that was a very big life

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
lesson about how little we really control.

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
My daughter had cancer when she was 3, and died
when she was 4, or just a month before she

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
turned 4. And my son was 9, and I remember him telling
me when she was sick, \"Well she won\'t die, Mom.

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
Children don\'t die.\" And so how do you explain
that to a child, \"Yeah, children do die.\"

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
I just went to visit her in the
hospital, and I thought they

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
would, like, cure it or something.
When I saw a grief councilor I said,

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
\"Ignore my degrees, ignore my background,
I\'m j-, a grieving mother like anybody

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
else.\" And um, and with my son, the same thing.
I couldn\'t be there. You know, I\'d worked with

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
children in trauma for years, but with
my own child in trauma I couldn\'t,

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
couldn\'t help him uh, like I would\'ve liked
to, so I had him see other professionals.

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
First, like, couple weeks I
was, like, sad, but then um,

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
but now I\'m as sad as much. Like,
I\'m used to it now. So, yeah.

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
Children, for example,

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
who are dying of cancer often
have a, a prescience about their,

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
their life and their experience that most of
us don\'t have. And I think it\'s because they

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
develop an awareness of what this really
is all about, this life is all about,

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
so they have a kind of wisdom that is
far beyond their years. And they often

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
are instructive to their own family. I was
talking to someone just the other day was saying

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
they realized their child was ready to die,
they weren\'t ready to let the child go.

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
And the child was really suffering. And the
child really needed to be able to let go.

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
And one day the parent woke up
and said, \"I\'m preventing this.

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
I\'m blocking this child\'s passage to another
place,\" and got up and went to the child

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
and said, \"I\'m really sorry. I haven\'t been
ready, but I know you\'re ready. It\'s okay,

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
you can go.\" And the child died right away.

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
When she actually died, she went to sleep and just never woke up,
and what a beautiful thing to be able to do. It was a shock for us

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
because we weren\'t expecting it. But yet, for her sake,
I think, \"Oh, what a wonderful, what a wonderful

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
way to go.\" Sometimes, the actual
death then is a re-, a form of relief

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:20.000
only because you know that that person
is now free from their suffering.

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
That was the last time I ever saw Grace.

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
[sil.]

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
My sister died in \'69, 39 years
ago, and my parents changed,

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
and they never made it back. In my
opinion, it was the worst thing

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
I could\'ve possibly gone through was having my
daughter die. But, uh, and nothing will ever make that

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
okay. She didn\'t get to say goodbye to
us, we didn\'t get to say goodbye to her.

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
And she never got to have a life. She didn\'t have
marriage, children, career, travel, hobbies,

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
everything that I\'ve gotten to have.
She was 20 years old. I\'m 62.

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
I still miss Glenda. And I
always will, and there\'s always

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
that ache for her, that hurting. And it\'s

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
it\'s gonna be hard to lose both of

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
\'em. I mean, if you\'re watching someone
who is suffering from a terminal

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
illness, and they\'re allowed to go through their different,
you know, stages of grieving and dealing with their

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
upcoming demise, that helps the family, and
there\'s some time, there\'s some preparation.

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
If a child is killed suddenly, that,
that can be almost overwhelming.

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
Nothing\'s easy about death that
is out of generation order.

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
Surviving your own children has got to
be the worst thing in, in the world.

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
And at many times I\'ll get to a point, well
okay, I guess I\'ll never know why. And um,

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
I heard someone once say that you go from asking why
to asking what. So you stop asking all the whys

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
and you start saying, \"Well, what can I do?\" You
know, what can I do now? And what can I do to

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
embrace this person\'s memory or to
honor them? One of the most difficult

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
things for me in getting my
diagnosis has been my mother.

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
She already lost one child.

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
She\'s about to survive her last child.
That upsets me.

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
I know it\'s not my

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
fault, but I hate that
it\'s happening to her.

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
I\'m going to miss her so much.
She\'s my very

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
best friend and a loving daughter.

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
[sil.]

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
Many people spend the end-phase of their

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
life suffering because either
they don\'t know about hospice

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
soon enough or when they learn about
hospice, they have such an association

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
with it that they feel it\'s giving up.
\"Oh my God, the doctor wants my

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
mother to go on hospice.\" The dreaded word.
Hospice is not a dreaded word.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
And that it isn\'t saying, \"Okay, might
as well just lie down and die.\"

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
Instead, let\'s live every
moment you have to the fullest.

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
They\'re all about comfort care. They have
made my life so much more comfortable

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
than it would have been otherwise. I mean, they come out and do
things that otherwise I would be having to go to the doctor or

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
even state hospital stays. I have been
able to avoid hospital stays before them.

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
Well I\'m much more comfortable here
in my own home than in a hospital.

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
My setup in here, I talked about it being perfect.
I have my laptop. I have my good speakers.

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
I have over-, I have an iPod,
I have over 2,800 songs

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
on it and over 1,000 pictures.
Uh, various, you know, old, new,

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
whatever. I have my fiction, my
non-fiction, my political, my DVDs,

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
my VCR. Uh, I, my bills and
stuff, my bill paying,

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
my paperwork is all right there
within reach. It\'s perfect.

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
I have created this little haven
for myself and it\'s just perfect.

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
We consider the patient
being the whole family,

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
not just the person with the diagnosis.
Hospice, because of the skills of the

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
medical team that works with patients at
end of life, are capable of providing

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
the palliative care. Which is one
step before hospice. I will,

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
as of my de-, because of my decision last week to stop
therapy, I will be moving from palliative to hospice.

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
To palliate means to soothe or comfort,

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
to treat symptoms. In palliative care,

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
they\'re given a diagnosis,
unlike hospice, that says

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
that if this disease progresses
in its normal progression, this

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
person will probably not be alive 12
months from now. Whereas in hospice,

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
it\'s six months. I honestly believe that
I probably would not be alive today

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
if not for the care that they\'ve given me. I
mean, they\'re out here every week, practically

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
every day I\'ve got somebody coming in to
help me. I\'m working with great clientele

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
that appreciate me and love me. And I
can turn around and love them back.

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
And showing that to people, that,

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
that means everything to me. Actually, Kati\'s the boss.
And the reason I say that is because she\'s always

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
telling me what to do.

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
It\'s all because I love ya.
Yes. Helping someone

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
in, in their dying situation is
a very honorable place to go

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
with another human being. We consider
ourselves midwives at the other end

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
of life. Being able to
take someone that close

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
to what I fell like is them going
back to God, it was a miracle.

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
And we can\'t go any further. And we can give them
all the love and the care we need, but we are only

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
ticketed passengers beyond this point.

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
Yes, you grieve over and over
again when you lose patients.

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
You grieve more deeply for
some patients than others.

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
Working in hospice, I was able to
see the miracle of death, rather

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
than um, just death as the enemy.
We\'re lucky enough to be

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
able to get to know people at a
very intimate time of their life.

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
And we\'re, I think, honored guests
in their home. When I work with

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
families and they\'re so
wonderful at expressing love

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
amidst all the grief, and they get their stuff
out of the way to take care of this person

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
who has died, it\'s an incredible
gift to be around that.

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
Kathy, Kathy, why don\'t you lead the way.
It may sound crazy to some

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
people, but you, that\'s a very
special feeling, it\'s a very

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
special feeling. It was an experience where I
think you learn so much at the time and yet you

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
don\'t know it. You, you\'re still focused on just
being with the person and what has to be done

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
physically, emotionally, and mentally and how to
cope with things. It really brought generations

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
together. The patient\'s children, their
children, and their grandchildren.

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
You know, it just, it was beautiful. I
worked with a family where there was

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
an elderly mother dying. Five
daughters, two of whom were there

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
at the event of death, and they were coaching
their mother. It took them a lot to get

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
to the point where they were able
to say to their mother, \"Mom,

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
you can go,\" and the words they used were
\"wings on your feet\" to give her encouragement

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
because there was a sense that
she was working hard to leave.

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
[sil.]

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
It\'s usually peaceful.

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
The people that have trouble going, there\'s a little
bit of chaos in the air. And it makes it hard,

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
too, I find, when I\'m with a patient
who is going through this process and

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
everyone around them in the room is grieving.
It\'s very difficult for that person

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
to leave. Frequently, family members will be saying,
\"Mom, you have permission to go. We\'re gonna

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
be okay,\" and there\'s lots of tears and
love. And it\'s just, it\'s an intense,

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
wonderful, joyous experience because

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
everyone is just, almost rallying
that person on to the next phase in

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
their journey. But people
will often be holding

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
a patient\'s hand. The breath is very labored,
and you can just see that everything

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
now is just, all the organs and
everything is shutting down.

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
All of a sudden, there\'s like a quietness.

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
It\'s like the frequency patterns shift and change and, and
their anxiety and fear and, you know, it just, the vibration

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
of the whole experience changes. And
then it\'s almost as if you feel

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
that spiritual being in the room with you.
And that, that bond can still

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
be felt, sometimes even more keenly
and strongly than when the person was

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
embodied. Some of the things we, we don\'t talk about because
we do fear that people will think that we are crazy.

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.999
And some of the things that we don\'t
share is because our theologies

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.999
or our doctrines say this, and what we feel

00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:54.999
or what we experience is not congruent with
that, so you better keep it to yourself.

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
\"My brother, Herbert, was here.\" Someone\'ll say, \"Her-,
what? Herbert couldn\'t have been here, he died 30

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
years ago,\" and that\'ll cause the
patient to stop talking. It\'s a

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
beautiful thing when it
satisfies and pleases

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
the person who\'s seeing it.
Is it okay if, for your mom,

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:19.999
Herbert was here? And we\'ll talk about what
all that means to her and work that out.

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:24.999
I also saw with my father

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
uh, the reaching with both
hands, and that\'s not

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
explainable to me. There are
some faiths that have a

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
belief system that people come to get you.
Prior to my mother\'s death, she told me,

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
she said, \"I saw your uncle Bo,\" and that
was her brother, \"come in,\" she said,

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
\"He didn\'t frighten me. He came in and he sat on
my bed. He was younger, he, he,\" and Uncle Bo was

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
a dresser, he loved to dress. And she
said, He had on the most beautiful

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
suit. He sat on my bed, and
um, I wasn\'t afraid of him.\"

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
We can\'t deny that it\'s not happening. I mean,
we\'re in the room, and we\'re watching this

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
happen. And, and, and it, and it has to be a personal experience.
It has to be something that you perceive in order to

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
really trust it and feel that it\'s true.

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
I don\'t think this is lights out.

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
I do believe that there is, is something
beyond this, but as I get older, my

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
sense of what that is is more in flux.
Either everything\'s gonna come

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
to a total halt when I die or it isn\'t.
And if it doesn\'t, I have no idea

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
what direction it might go in.
In watching people die,

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
ac-, it actually dispelled some of the
religious doctrine that I had learned.

00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.999
Uh, I don\'t believe that people go to Hell if
they\'re not baptized. I don\'t think that is

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
anything that man does that
determines the destiny of the dying.

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
Many people who have religious views will
tell you that they believe there\'s a

00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:04.999
hell. I\'ve rarely met a person who will tell
you that they think they\'re going there.

00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
So, cuz usually they think they\'re going to
a reward, um, that this is a good thing,

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
you know, a positive experience, not a
hellish one. But I, I don\'t believe that

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
there is a heaven, and you\'re walking
on clouds. And I believe that,

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
that there\'s this energy, and that our energy never
stops, that it\'s eternal that will last forever.

00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
And when we die, we\'re not really
destroyed. This vessel, our human bodies,

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
are gone, but that that energy is still out in the
universe. I believe there\'s a continuity after

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
death. It\'s a transition. It\'s a birth.
It\'s a birth into the spiritual.

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
Everybody\'s somewhat in the same boat, unless they have very strong beliefs
that they really believe to be true, and this is what\'s gonna happen

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
and. I believe we live before
we ever came here to earth,

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
that we\'ll have an opportunity to live
with our family as family. I will be

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
joined with my husband again someday.
When we come to grips with that,

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
the finality that, that is
not as final as we fear,

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
and that there is something beyond that.
I think for me, it has freed me up to,

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
to be more free to live.

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
It\'s almost like um, a freeing of energy.

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
It\'s not that final end
which is so crushing to

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
people when they don\'t have something
to, to make sense of what\'s happening.

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:34.999
The essence of who they
really are just transitions.

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.999
It just moves from, again, one, one outfit
to another. I think it definitely eases

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.999
people\'s minds to believe that there is an
afterlife. I mean, I think we just choose what

00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:49.999
comforts us most, and which makes, and what makes
the most sense. I\'ll know when I get there,

00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:54.999
you know? No, nobody\'s really telling me. Nobody\'s come outta
the ground to tell me where I\'m going or what\'s gonna happen.

00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:59.999
You, I believe you will go to a better place
that\'s, you know, just mine, but where and how

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.999
or what, I dunno. So I had a friend
that had a massive heart attack.

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:09.999
And he came back. And I asked
him, \"So, did you see anything?

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:14.999
You know, did you see the light? Did you see
friends? Did you see your mother, fa-.\" He said,

00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:19.999
\"I didn\'t see a fucking thing.
It was black.\"

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.999
[sil.]

00:36:25.000 --> 00:36:29.999
We don\'t truly die. We may
see that the body is dead,

00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:34.999
but we are more than our bodies. And
if it turns out there\'s an afterlife,

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:39.999
it, then there\'s one more adventure
to come. And if there isn\'t,

00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:44.999
I had a good ride for the money,
as cowboys always say at rodeos.

00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.999
[sil.]

00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.999
You know, people don\'t wanna

00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
talk about death, I think for a variety of reasons.
Because when we, when we talk about death,

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
we start to experience it.
We start questioning

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
our own impermanence. So we just try
to put it away like it doesn\'t exist.

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
I\'ve noticed that the more I try to talk about it,
the less comfortable they become. In our culture,

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
we\'re superstitious that if we discuss death,
it\'s gonna knock on our door a little bit

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
earlier. If you go to other
countries, death, dying,

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
the sick, the aged, aged, they\'re embraced.

00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
We do not see the cycle of life in the way
we used to do when we lived in a more

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
rural environment, and we saw
life and death on a daily basis.

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
Also, the World Wars that had such,

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
it, death on, such an enormous
scale, I think left a whole

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
generation with a post-traumatic
stress disorder where they just

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
could not talk about death. And it was so
uncomfortable they, they, they didn\'t want

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
to address it. And we see
that a lot with our families

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
whether it\'s an elder who won\'t speak about their
funeral, they don\'t want to plan it in any way, and they

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
leave it to the children to do it. When
my father died, my mother didn\'t even

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
like the word \"death,\" didn\'t like the
word \"funeral.\" It was all terribly

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
distasteful. And there
are still people that

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
asked us when we go into the home, don\'t use
the \"d-word\" or don\'t use the \"h-word,\" as in

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
\"hospice.\" The word \"suffering\" and \"pain\"

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
goes along with the word \"death.\" I mean,
it\'s almost as though it has sort of the

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
implications of a four-letter word. It\'s a bad word.
It\'s a dirty word. It\'s a word we don\'t wanna hear

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
too often or it\'ll upset people if we say,
\"Joe died,\" as opposed to, \"Joe passed on,\"

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
or \"Joe\'s gone to his reward,\" or whatever we,
whatever euphemism, we choose to utilize.

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
And it seems to me that actually, as
in many things in life, we do people a

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
disservice when we don\'t use the word that
really suggests the reality we\'re dealing with.

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
And we have a tendency of not telling it to our
children. And the more we can teach children about

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
dealing with death in healthy ways, the
better. We stay away from phrases like

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
\"passed away\" or \"we lost them\" or \"they went
to sleep\" cuz the kids are very literal,

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
and they\'re like, well, they went, and then they\'re afraid
to go to sleep because well, if Grandpa died when he

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
went to sleep, then I don\'t wanna go to sleep. To
say that, you know, Grandma died, and that means

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
that her, her body doesn\'t work
anymore, and her, you know, she stopped

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
breathing, and she, her heart doesn\'t beat anymore
and so her body is gone, and, and she\'s never

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.999
gonna come back. And that sounds really harsh,
but kids will hold onto this kind of um,

00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:49.999
magical thinking that they\'re gonna come back. So we really need to
make that pretty clear up front that we-, they\'re never gonna come

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
back. And tell me about Grandma Betty.
Why did she die? Because she was

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
sick. Yeah, and how did that,
how did it make everybody feel?

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
I think a little bit sad. Yeah?

00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
And how does it make you feel? S-, sad. Yeah. You\'re young,
and you\'re healthy, and you\'re pr-, you know, the chances

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
that you\'re gonna die are, are really slim. And
we\'re gonna do everything we can to keep you safe,

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
and we\'re gonna keep ourselves safe.

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
But then yet not making promises
that I\'m never gonna leave you

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
or Mom\'s never gonna leave you or, you
know, because that, that may not be true.

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
We\'ve used the words like \"dead\" and \"dying\"
and that the, the person, my father died.

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
So having them go to funerals, and let them see that
people are crying and that people are sad and that

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
that\'s okay. If we\'re able,
as young people, to teach

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
our children that death is very
much a part of life, they will grow

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
with a healthier attitude.

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
[sil.]

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
We have medicalized the end of
life, and so death generally

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
takes place in a hospital now or a facility. It
used to take place at home. And we could see

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
uh, the journey that someone was on,
and then we saw them dying as well.

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
And because it\'s so removed from
us now, we\'re disconnected from

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
death. You know, the patient is alone and suffering
on their own and dealing with, with all the issues

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
that they\'re faced with. And at the same time,
they cannot discuss any of that with the family or

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
any of their caregivers. They don\'t wanna talk about the
fact that you\'re dying. Because they, they\'re not coping

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
with it. There, there\'s a dysfunctionality.
There\'s the patient who

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
actually does not wanna talk about their
own death because of hurting, you know,

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
their, their family members and imposing
upon them suffering in some way.

00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
And that the family\'s unwilling to talk about what\'s
really happening with the patient. And I have

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
great friends who understand that, and so we\'re kinda
doing desensitivity training. You know, we talk

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
about it a little bit, and then we don\'t
talk about it. I can understand why my,

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
some of my friends and family members have
difficulty with it. They feel awkward about it,

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
maybe because they\'re alive, and they\'re healthy,
and they\'re well, and I\'m not. We think we\'re

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
protecting them, but we\'re hurting them
in the long run. We see lots of families

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
who, nobody talks about it because, you know, \"we
don\'t wanna make them sad,\" which is, you know,

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:29.999
such a strange thing because they\'re already
sad anyway. I mentioned to somebody, \"Oh,

00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:34.999
you\'re, you\'re office could really use this air purifier.
So when I\'m gone, you should take that. I\'ll put your

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:39.999
name on it.\" And she was just
like, you know, I could tell,

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
visibly shaken. And, and I said,
\"Oh, sorry, but this is a reality

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
that I\'m working with, and
this is my life right now.

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.999
And I know it\'s hard for my friends,
but if I can\'t talk about it

00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:59.999
and share with them how I\'m really feeling and
what\'s really happening, how isolating is that

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
for me?\" Sometimes a person isn\'t ready to
talk about it, and honoring where they are

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
so you\'re not pushing it on them, you\'re not
forcing them to talk about it, but just

00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:14.999
saying, \"I\'m very sorry about what\'s happened,
and I\'m here for you and in any way that,

00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:19.999
that makes sense for you.\" I
think it takes a lot of courage,

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.999
I really do, because it\'s not easy.

00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
It brings people closer together to have these
conversations. You know, once you get the hang of it, it\'s

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:34.999
pretty normal. Really. And the more we
can open up and be there for people

00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:39.999
then I think, the less afraid we\'re gonna be of
talking about it, if it can become more of a norm.

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.999
[sil.]

00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:49.999
Could be the end of your life here.
This is something that is

00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:54.999
so profoundly terrifying. \"What are you
going through? I\'m here to support you.

00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:59.999
What do you need from me. I\'m, I\'m not afraid
of this. I\'m willing to be there by your side

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
every step of the way. You can\'t count on
me.\" This is part of my life, you know, and

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:09.999
if we can\'t talk about it, then I\'m
invisible. So I think it, it helps,

00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:14.999
I think it really helps people live better.
Not just die better, but actually

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:19.999
live better. Yes, there\'ll be pain. Yes,
there\'ll be crying and, and suffering,

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
and that is a part of life experience

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
here. That is who we are. That\'s our
humanity. And that just, that just makes us

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
greater. And it just expands us to, to
love each other more unconditionally,

00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
no matter what we\'re going through. I do believe
that my speaking frankly about my impending

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
death has helped open up
the lines of communication

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:49.999
between those who are close to me
and, and made these final months

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:54.999
better than they would have been otherwise. So we could
let people know that when someone experiences a death,

00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.999
that they want to talk about the person, and they want you to call.
And, and people are so afraid, \"Oh I don\'t have the right words,\"

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.999
or, \"I don\'t know what to say.\" So that\'s
okay, say that. That feels better instantly,

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.999
and when someone else says, \"Oh, I feel the same
way,\" then I feel like I\'m not walking alone.

00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:14.999
That, hey, wait a minute, this is not just me going
crazy, this is part of the human experience.

00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:19.999
And CNN can now

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
project that Barack Obama I cannot
possibly express how much it means to me

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
to have lived to see this day come.
I started crying.

00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
I don\'t mean, boo-hoo, blah, blah, but tears were
rolling down my cheeks. I love this country.

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
And, and I have grandkids.

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
I want them to grow up in clean environment. I
want the-, their children to have good educations

00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
and, and healthcare. When I die, I\'m gonna
be dying with great pride over the fact

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
of yesterday. I\'m gonna miss my Obama
signs. I may just leave \'em up. Now that

00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
I\'ve got this new short-term goal of
January 20th of \'09, Inauguration Day,

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
maybe I\'ll just leave them up
to celebrate that. But I\'m

00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.999
not feeling uh, nearly as uh, as stressed

00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:14.999
over making it to January 20th.
My, I got to vote.

00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:19.999
I had a multiple-loss childhood.

00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.999
Uh, when I was 4 years old,
my sister died of pneumonia.

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:29.999
And uh, when I was 7, my grandmother
was shot and murdered here in Denver

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
uh, by a family acquaintance. And then when
I was 14 my father died of a heart attack.

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
You know, so much of grief is a
process, um, and we don\'t want to um,

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
to take that away and say, \"Well, here\'s the answer,\"
you know, because then they\'re gonna lose that process

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
that they need to go through. When I was
in college, and I just had a hard time uh,

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
we call it a \"grief burst.\" I started getting depressed,
my grades went down, and I went to a counselor,

00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
and it was, hey, this is the stuff
coming up from when you\'re a kid.

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
I think a lot of times, um, you know, in
this culture, you know, we typically give

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
people about a year to grieve. Um, insurance companies
will pay for bereavement counseling for a year after

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
the death. A family member
called me about three months

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
after my daughter died and said, \"So, are you
better now? Are you over this yet?\" Three months.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
Any of us who\'ve been through grief knows that the
first year is just, you know, the tip of the ice berg.

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
In the beginning, grief is over
here, and you\'re over here,

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
and you can\'t find a way to work together
with your grief. And then over time,

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
you come together and find a
way to do it, but the tragedy

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
never goes away. So it\'s a slow
process, and it\'s a process that can

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
take people an entire lifetime. But we work
with kids who have had unspeakable deaths

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
um, and have witnessed just unspeakable
suicides. Um, and you think, \"How is this child

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
ever gonna get over this?\" Um, but they do.

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:08.000
[sil.]

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
A person who\'s killed in
some horrific manner,

00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:19.999
that would certainly have elements of tragedy, but
at the same time, you might have a person who

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
has really lived in a very fulfilling way.
And so even though there end could be

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
very tragic, uh, the fact that their
life is ended at that time may not be

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
as tragic only because perhaps they\'ve
contributed greatly to the world.

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
The tragedy of, of death is more about an

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
ill-spent life.

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
So I would think that a person who approached
their death from a sense of despair, that

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
my life was pointless, I never accomplished
anything, uh, I never made connections.

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
My relationships weren\'t right. That I wasn\'t
comfortable. That I didn\'t, there wasn\'t peace within

00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
my own relationships. That would
be, for me, a tragic death.

00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:09.999
How we take this gift
of our life and use it

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
and not throw time away because it\'s
really all we\'ve got. I, I think it takes

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
a bit of a discipline to
really turn off the TV and

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
not look for something to
amuse you, but to just go out

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
and spend time. You know, and, and see what
evolves. See what connections are there for you

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
with yourself, you know, for you with nature, for
you with your family, for you with your work.

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
You know, it\'s like if-, people
are afraid sometimes of space

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
and silence, but really, if, if you
can go there and consistently give

00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:49.999
yourself that kind of opportunity,
that\'s where a lot of creative process

00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.999
comes from, I think.

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
Playing is a wonderful thing. I think it\'s important
for us all to have time to play. I certainly

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
wouldn\'t think of that as wasted time. I think time is wasted
really when you\'re just not there for it. When you don\'t show

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
up. You\'re kinda going through the motions, you\'re
doing what you\'re doing, but you\'re not engaged

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
in it. And it\'s amazing how much
of our lives we spend that way.

00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
I think that we look at, at, at situations

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
of death and dying or if someone gets killed in an
automobile accident, that, \"Oh, that was a bad way to go,\"

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
or if someone dies in their sleep,
\"Oh, that\'s a beautiful way

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
to go.\" I don\'t think that
that qualifies the beauty

00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:39.999
of death. It\'s part of our evolution as
souls here is that we need to experience

00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.999
all forms of death, and all
forms of death are necessary.

00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:49.999
When a person comes to grips or comes to a

00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:54.999
point of acceptance and finds
peace in that acceptance,

00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:59.999
and then they\'re able to make the transition.
To me, that\'s a beautiful death.

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.999
Part of living

00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:09.999
is our mortality. When we know

00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:14.999
something comes to an end, it makes it
more precious. I do believe that this

00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.999
life is not just something that happens.
It\'s purposeful.

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.999
We each have our own unique expression
here that we have to honor.

00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:29.999
Take time for yourself. Don\'t put it off.
Do what you need to do.

00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:34.999
Have balance in your life. Living life
every moment as if the next moment

00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:39.999
you will be gone is the key to living here.

00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.999
Appreciate beauty. Appreciate your family

00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:49.999
and friends. Tell people that you
love them. Do those things of,

00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:54.999
as far as uh, don\'t leave messes.
Clean up your relationships.

00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:59.999
Um, if you\'ve burned bridges,
rebuild those bridges back up.

00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.999
Because then, if someone dies unexpectedly,
you\'re not left with that because you\'ve

00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.999
you\'ve lived in character.

00:52:10.000 --> 00:52:14.999
Bucket list is a list of things

00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:19.999
that you want to do before you
kick the bucket. Everybody

00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.999
should make a bucket list now. Immediately.

00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:29.999
If you were at the end of your life, what would you
like people to be able to say about you? What would you

00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:34.999
want your heritage to be, your legacy?
Live life to the fullest

00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.999
well, uh, before you get the diagnosis because
you may not have time after you get it.

00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.999
I\'ll share with you what

00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.999
one hospice client shared with me.
She said, \"You know, many

00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:54.999
people think that we folk who
are dying are afraid to die

00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:59.999
or that we are grieving leaving all
of our stuff behind or grieving

00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:04.999
leaving our people behind,\" she said,
\"but that\'s not it.\" She said,

00:53:05.000 --> 00:53:09.999
\"What we ha-, have to come
to terms with are the things

00:53:10.000 --> 00:53:14.999
that we\'ve done in this life.\" She said, \"It
all comes back, you know,\" she said, \"the good

00:53:15.000 --> 00:53:19.999
or bad, and, and what we fear
most is facing ourselves. And if

00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:24.999
we have to face ourselves, we know
that we have to face God, and that\'s

00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:29.999
the hard part.\"

00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:34.999
If you can think about
the fact that you will

00:53:35.000 --> 00:53:39.999
come to an end and that you have an
opportunity while you\'re on the planet

00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:44.999
to do something that matters to you and to
other people, that is a good way of preparing.

00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:49.999
Let\'s just make sure that everybody knows that, that I care
about you, that I love you, that you\'ve helped me so much,

00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:54.999
and my life has been blessed with you.

00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:59.999
So death is not anything

00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:04.999
to fear or push away, it\'s
something to embrace as another

00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:09.999
experience of life because death just,
is just the vehicle that takes us

00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:14.999
to another dimension of life. So
will I walk in front of a truck> No.

00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:19.999
Will I embrace death? Yes, I will.

00:54:20.000 --> 00:54:24.999
[sil.]

00:54:25.000 --> 00:54:29.999
I can\'t say I have any huge regrets.

00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:34.999
You know, there\'s certainly things I probably would have done a
little differently, for sure. I mean, you can focus on all the bad

00:54:35.000 --> 00:54:39.999
stuff, but it doesn\'t get you very
far and if just kinda churns up

00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:44.999
misery. You know, it\'s like the seeds of suffering
just kinda pile on, and you\'re fueling the fire.

00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:49.999
It\'s funny, I, I guess
I, I don\'t think so much

00:54:50.000 --> 00:54:54.999
about what I\'m leaving behind.
I appreciate the moments.

00:54:55.000 --> 00:55:03.000
[sil.]

00:55:05.000 --> 00:55:09.999
Regrets. I\'m really,

00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:14.999
really, I\'m a really lucky lady.
You know, I, all round, with

00:55:15.000 --> 00:55:19.999
family and friends. And
therefore, when you ask me

00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:24.999
about regrets, it\'s kinda hard for me to come up
with a list because I push those, I, I stuck them in

00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:29.999
a bottom drawer. Um, somebody else
can unpack \'em after I\'m gone.

00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:34.999
Throw \'em out with the rest of the trash.

00:55:35.000 --> 00:55:43.000
[sil.]

00:57:15.000 --> 00:57:19.999
I think it\'s very important to have
a ritual and an opportunity to

00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:24.999
memorialize a person\'s life. There\'s a lot of
feelings that come up walking in a funeral home.

00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:29.999
Having a death-loss experience
is it brings me right back to,

00:57:30.000 --> 00:57:34.999
to those times. It\'s a very
emotional time for family

00:57:35.000 --> 00:57:39.999
members, and they\'re, they\'re, they\'re
vulnerable. You know, it\'s a business, and

00:57:40.000 --> 00:57:44.999
it provides a great service
that\'s needed. Um,

00:57:45.000 --> 00:57:49.999
and I think they try to be kind and
accommodating. Many times a day

00:57:50.000 --> 00:57:54.999
uh, we will meet with families who when
they come through the doors of our,

00:57:55.000 --> 00:57:59.999
our funeral home are, are
critical or cynical or expect

00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:04.999
us to take advantage of, of a
situation because the national media

00:58:05.000 --> 00:58:09.999
jumps on those stories. Our profession
is like any other profession.

00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:14.999
You have your good attorneys and your bad
attorneys. You have your good plumbers

00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:19.999
and your not-so-good plumbers. We\'re
the same. But it only takes one,

00:58:20.000 --> 00:58:24.999
because of the sensitivity of what
we do, that makes us all look bad.

00:58:25.000 --> 00:58:29.999
What you don\'t hear are 99% of the time

00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:34.999
funeral homes are doing extraordinary things for
families at very difficult times. The folk that I

00:58:35.000 --> 00:58:39.999
know have buried people
at no cost when they

00:58:40.000 --> 00:58:44.999
didn\'t have it. Uh, some I know have even,
you know, put themselves in financial

00:58:45.000 --> 00:58:49.999
jeopardy trying to help people
at that time in their lives.

00:58:50.000 --> 00:58:54.999
The number one

00:58:55.000 --> 00:58:59.999
thing we all think we make tons of money,
but they don\'t realize that so much

00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:04.999
of the fees and charges
that we charge go straight

00:59:05.000 --> 00:59:09.999
out to the florists, to
the newspaper, to the

00:59:10.000 --> 00:59:14.999
health department, to the cemetery.
I had an experience

00:59:15.000 --> 00:59:19.999
picking out an urn, um, and I was
married to geologist so I knew that

00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:24.999
I wanted it to be some form of rock.
And it turned out to be

00:59:25.000 --> 00:59:29.999
marble. Uh, small urn, was
hundreds and hundreds

00:59:30.000 --> 00:59:34.999
of dollars. The families that

00:59:35.000 --> 00:59:39.999
wanna keep a little bit of their loved one.
So what you have here

00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:44.999
are all like little um, keepsakes

00:59:45.000 --> 00:59:49.999
that people would just keep a little bit.
Little bit of cremates

00:59:50.000 --> 00:59:54.999
go up in here. Underneath you keep a
little bit of the cremated remains in here

00:59:55.000 --> 00:59:59.999
and then here\'s this lovely
little vase that you have.

01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.999
This is a memory glass, and in here
um, I have these (ph)glores and these

01:00:05.000 --> 01:00:09.999
little, specky, white things, those are
cremated remains in there. The teddy bear has

01:00:10.000 --> 01:00:14.999
this heart and you can either
put um, a locket of hair or

01:00:15.000 --> 01:00:19.999
cremates or just a photo in the bear. A portion
of the cremated remains are inserted here

01:00:20.000 --> 01:00:24.999
and, and, and the loved one can wear those
cremated remains. And what may be strange

01:00:25.000 --> 01:00:29.999
to some is very, very important and appropriate for
others. The cremated remains are placed in here

01:00:30.000 --> 01:00:34.999
with uh, the memorial etching here. It
feels pretty impersonal, no matter how

01:00:35.000 --> 01:00:39.999
nice they try to be, it\'s, it\'s pretty impersonal.
And suddenly you\'re picking out caskets

01:00:40.000 --> 01:00:44.999
and markers and embalming and
services and flowers and music,

01:00:45.000 --> 01:00:49.999
and you just get in this role. We even have
now the opportunity, we feel very strongly

01:00:50.000 --> 01:00:54.999
of letting the family participate in the selection process in a more
tangible way. And so they\'re able to come and use a touch-screen

01:00:55.000 --> 01:00:59.999
monitor to make their selections. And

01:01:00.000 --> 01:01:04.999
uh, let me, let me get outta here.
Just selecting the casket

01:01:05.000 --> 01:01:09.999
you\'re shown, the family can come in and click
through and see how they can personalize a casket.

01:01:10.000 --> 01:01:14.999
Doing a traditional funeral can really
break families financially. The

01:01:15.000 --> 01:01:19.999
average cost of a funeral is, I believe
a traditional funeral including

01:01:20.000 --> 01:01:24.999
the burial at the cemetery, you
know, $10,000 up. Sometimes

01:01:25.000 --> 01:01:29.999
the guilt that those of
us who are left behind

01:01:30.000 --> 01:01:34.999
feel when we have to bury
someone causes us to overspend.

01:01:35.000 --> 01:01:39.999
When someone dies, and especially if
they die suddenly, you\'re in shock.

01:01:40.000 --> 01:01:44.999
You\'re in your own denial and isolation
period. And so you\'re not always able to make

01:01:45.000 --> 01:01:49.999
the, the best judgments, the best decisions.
So if you have some of those decisions

01:01:50.000 --> 01:01:54.999
in place prior to that time, you\'re
less likely to be taken advantage of.

01:01:55.000 --> 01:01:59.999
You shouldn\'t just blame the funeral
directors, it\'s also what the people wanted.

01:02:00.000 --> 01:02:04.999
And this is why you have
these market on caskets,

01:02:05.000 --> 01:02:09.999
you know, I mean you can buy the caskets
online. It doesn\'t have to cost a lot,

01:02:10.000 --> 01:02:14.999
and people need to know they can make their
own casket. They don\'t even need a casket. If

01:02:15.000 --> 01:02:19.999
they\'re doing cremation, the crematory
generally provides a box for the body.

01:02:20.000 --> 01:02:24.999
I have seen people put diamond rings

01:02:25.000 --> 01:02:29.999
on their loved ones and,
and to be buried, and uh,

01:02:30.000 --> 01:02:34.999
when I\'m sure their loved one would rather for
them to have taken that money and put it towards

01:02:35.000 --> 01:02:39.999
something else. They didn\'t have to be
buried. It\'s important for me to fulfill

01:02:40.000 --> 01:02:44.999
those wishes that he or she made with me.

01:02:45.000 --> 01:02:49.999
I think the public needs to understand they have the
right to ask questions. They have the right to be

01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:54.999
there when their loved one is cremated. They
have the right to study a funeral bill.

01:02:55.000 --> 01:02:59.999
It seems like there\'s a movement
now that families are wanting

01:03:00.000 --> 01:03:04.999
to be more involved in that ritual.
What we do is really

01:03:05.000 --> 01:03:09.999
make it so they can do a very simple funeral if
they want when they\'re doing things themselves.

01:03:10.000 --> 01:03:14.999
It costs less. We\'re a non-profit
organization and our mission

01:03:15.000 --> 01:03:19.999
is to educate and empower families so they can
care for their own dead. So it\'s doing things

01:03:20.000 --> 01:03:24.999
the way it was done maybe 150 years ago where
families are really involved and connected

01:03:25.000 --> 01:03:29.999
to the death. It gives you a
process to go from the loss

01:03:30.000 --> 01:03:34.999
and the confusion to the beauty of it.

01:03:35.000 --> 01:03:39.999
With Pinky, her family had had time to
prepare. She did have a long illness,

01:03:40.000 --> 01:03:44.999
was exiting over um, years, really.

01:03:45.000 --> 01:03:49.999
And so, even though it\'s a shock
to know someone\'s really gone,

01:03:50.000 --> 01:03:54.999
they did have that time. And um,
yeah, they, they were also embracing

01:03:55.000 --> 01:03:59.999
this death as a part of nature, that it was

01:04:00.000 --> 01:04:04.999
part of the cycle of life.

01:04:05.000 --> 01:04:13.000
[music]

01:04:55.000 --> 01:04:59.999
Remember what I talked about my, my uncle being gray
and chalky? There\'s no reason for that now because

01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.999
today embalming fluid have dyes in
it already. When we\'re embalming,

01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:09.999
the tissue changes color.
So you can see the,

01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:14.999
the, the coloring come and then you
know you\'re getting fluid. Yeah.

01:05:15.000 --> 01:05:19.999
Which, you know, there\'s no such
thing as a gray, chalky body.

01:05:20.000 --> 01:05:24.999
Um, we\'re working with the circulatory
system which is your arteries and

01:05:25.000 --> 01:05:29.999
um, your veins. So we
inject embalming fluid

01:05:30.000 --> 01:05:34.999
into the artery, and we drain through
the vein. Well, this one has

01:05:35.000 --> 01:05:39.999
21.5 index of formaldehyde.
And there\'s also

01:05:40.000 --> 01:05:44.999
like, lanolin and some other emollients
so the body doesn\'t necessarily

01:05:45.000 --> 01:05:49.999
dehydrate so quickly. It just doesn\'t
make sense to empty the body of all its

01:05:50.000 --> 01:05:54.999
bodily fluids and then pump it full
of fluids so it\'s pump, pumped

01:05:55.000 --> 01:05:59.999
up and it, it looks as
\"normal\" as possible.

01:06:00.000 --> 01:06:04.999
All the plumbing has been cut, so
now we have to individually pick up

01:06:05.000 --> 01:06:09.999
the left arm and the right arm and the left side of
the face and then we have to um, suture everything

01:06:10.000 --> 01:06:14.999
back up.

01:06:15.000 --> 01:06:19.999
90% of my business is direct cremation.

01:06:20.000 --> 01:06:24.999
Some people will choose cremation
for spiritual reasons. It\'s

01:06:25.000 --> 01:06:29.999
purification by fire. We have societies in, in
our world that you wouldn\'t think of anything

01:06:30.000 --> 01:06:34.999
other than cremation. It\'s the
law of the land. The process

01:06:35.000 --> 01:06:39.999
of cremation, with my machine, it\'s
approximately four hours here.

01:06:40.000 --> 01:06:44.999
They have newer machines that take up to
an hour only. When everything\'s done,

01:06:45.000 --> 01:06:49.999
this is what\'s left.

01:06:50.000 --> 01:06:54.999
And as you can see, it\'s all bone. People

01:06:55.000 --> 01:06:59.999
always say to me, uh, is ashes.
Well, it\'s not ashes, it\'s bone.

01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:04.999
You can s-, still feel the heat in here.
Um, it was done earlier.

01:07:05.000 --> 01:07:09.999
90% of us are made out of water. So
what\'s left in my chambers is the

01:07:10.000 --> 01:07:14.999
skeletal system. It\'s um, not embalmed, therefore
there\'s no chemicals. We\'re in our natural state.

01:07:15.000 --> 01:07:19.999
This is it. This is one adult.

01:07:20.000 --> 01:07:24.999
But as the years went on, I realized,
\"You know, there\'s too much

01:07:25.000 --> 01:07:29.999
focus on the remains and not enough
focus on the people they leave

01:07:30.000 --> 01:07:34.999
behind.\" You know, when we
consider that our mission

01:07:35.000 --> 01:07:39.999
is making important differences
in people\'s lives, obviously

01:07:40.000 --> 01:07:44.999
we\'re talking about how we can help the survivors,
the living. When they walk in our door, it\'s

01:07:45.000 --> 01:07:49.999
real. I\'m just here to take
care of their loved one.

01:07:50.000 --> 01:07:54.999
But more importantly, take care of them. 90% of the
families that come through our doors know what

01:07:55.000 --> 01:07:59.999
they want, but a much less, lesser
percentage know what they need.

01:08:00.000 --> 01:08:04.999
We then have to become educators.
We have to help them understand

01:08:05.000 --> 01:08:09.999
that there are certain tasks that we
believe that they need to engage in

01:08:10.000 --> 01:08:14.999
to lean into their grief process.
Doing this work helps me, actually,

01:08:15.000 --> 01:08:19.999
with my own mortality. You know, and
there\'s gonna be times that we meet

01:08:20.000 --> 01:08:24.999
with families that they really get to you.
And, and when they do,

01:08:25.000 --> 01:08:29.999
it\'s okay cuz then it keeps you
in check that you\'re human.

01:08:30.000 --> 01:08:34.999
The whole funeral industry
has done a really nice job

01:08:35.000 --> 01:08:39.999
in really meeting the family\'s needs. And, I
mean, we work with funeral homes who have

01:08:40.000 --> 01:08:44.999
the children come in um, who really let them
be part of that process which is really

01:08:45.000 --> 01:08:49.999
important for kids to be able to do, to
feel like they had some say in this.

01:08:50.000 --> 01:08:54.999
[sil.]

01:08:55.000 --> 01:08:59.999
Our media represents our
culture in a lot of ways,

01:09:00.000 --> 01:09:04.999
and I think it defines our culture in a lot of ways.
I think the media sends a lot of wrong signals

01:09:05.000 --> 01:09:09.999
about a lot of things about life itself.
I appreciate the freedom

01:09:10.000 --> 01:09:14.999
of our media, and I also realize the severe
limitations of what we get. When you\'re watching

01:09:15.000 --> 01:09:19.999
the news, it\'s just in front of us all
day long. Death and death and death.

01:09:20.000 --> 01:09:24.999
And uh, I think that\'s desensitizing.
Our media,

01:09:25.000 --> 01:09:29.999
I think, is really responsible for
putting out there uh, what we

01:09:30.000 --> 01:09:34.999
think we believe and what we think is real.
Well, it\'s hard for our young children to,

01:09:35.000 --> 01:09:39.999
to get that first task of grieving which
is to realize that this is real um,

01:09:40.000 --> 01:09:44.999
when they\'ve watched lots of things on TV where, you
know, cartoons um, where the person is, you know,

01:09:45.000 --> 01:09:49.999
flattened or run over by a steamroller
and then stand back up again.

01:09:50.000 --> 01:09:54.999
You know, or they see somebody in a movie, a
character in a movie who dies and then, oh, gosh,

01:09:55.000 --> 01:09:59.999
couple months later I see a movie and there they are again.
And so that\'s something we have to talk about with kids that

01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.999
that\'s pretend and that\'s um, that\'s not real
life. And um, especially with the younger ones

01:10:05.000 --> 01:10:09.999
who are just so concrete that that\'s
what they believe. Death? Yeah.

01:10:10.000 --> 01:10:14.999
It\'s when if somebody falls off of a cliff,

01:10:15.000 --> 01:10:19.999
that\'s death. Mm-hmn. Death wall.
A death wall..

01:10:20.000 --> 01:10:24.999
Okay. Most movies

01:10:25.000 --> 01:10:29.999
have, have a \"Hollywood death\"
and not a natural death.

01:10:30.000 --> 01:10:34.999
It isn\'t as attractive as it is
in the movies. I don\'t think

01:10:35.000 --> 01:10:39.999
that the norm is, you see someone
dying at home with family in a

01:10:40.000 --> 01:10:44.999
very beautiful uh, holding environment.
People having

01:10:45.000 --> 01:10:49.999
these epiphanies, and all is well
and healed. I don\'t think that is

01:10:50.000 --> 01:10:54.999
realistic. It\'s sugarcoating something
that can be often very, very

01:10:55.000 --> 01:10:59.999
challenging. All these shows are, like crimes shows,
are all based in death. I don\'t think it, it\'s,

01:11:00.000 --> 01:11:04.999
it\'s, the story\'s there, but it really doesn\'t
discuss about how what, what we do when our loved

01:11:05.000 --> 01:11:09.999
ones are dying. I think it shows a funeral, people
with dark clothes and dark glasses, and that\'s

01:11:10.000 --> 01:11:14.999
all you get from it. Philadelphia Story.
Um, I remember that as an AIDS movie,

01:11:15.000 --> 01:11:19.999
and I had a younger brother more
than a decade ago who died of AIDS.

01:11:20.000 --> 01:11:24.999
And I saw that movie, and I
thought, \"How dare they!

01:11:25.000 --> 01:11:29.999
That\'s not how people die of AIDS.\" I mean,
it, it w-, it was a glamorous death.

01:11:30.000 --> 01:11:34.999
And that, that isn\'t true. So when
it, when they really experience it,

01:11:35.000 --> 01:11:39.999
and it\'s not like they\'re seeing, then it\'s a
letdown. They feel lost again. Yeah, I would say the

01:11:40.000 --> 01:11:44.999
video games concern me the most. I have a
12-year-old and, and isn\'t allowed to play

01:11:45.000 --> 01:11:49.999
the mature, the games that are marked mature. I see them
in the stores, and they\'ll have them up to try out,

01:11:50.000 --> 01:11:54.999
and it\'s, you know, you\'re behind the gun and
you\'re shooting people. And they\'re spewing blood.

01:11:55.000 --> 01:11:59.999
I don\'t, I don\'t think they have any
sense of the sanctity of life or

01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:04.999
death or what it truly means. Well, as a parent,
it\'s, it\'s, it\'s my responsibility to, to be

01:12:05.000 --> 01:12:09.999
a censor. And the, you know, my home is not a
democracy. So I get to make those decisions

01:12:10.000 --> 01:12:14.999
as a parent. So in, in these
video games or movies,

01:12:15.000 --> 01:12:19.999
as long as they are wrong and we are
right, then they can become vilified,

01:12:20.000 --> 01:12:24.999
and it\'s okay to kill them. Many of
our action movies don\'t deal with

01:12:25.000 --> 01:12:29.999
the topic of death on a personal level.
Just not the media, but we as a

01:12:30.000 --> 01:12:34.999
society, we have embraced that. We
say people are wrong and we can

01:12:35.000 --> 01:12:39.999
kill, go in their country and kill them and,
and, and kill their children, kill their

01:12:40.000 --> 01:12:44.999
wives, and, and it\'s okay. As
long as there\'s not much loss

01:12:45.000 --> 01:12:49.999
of American lives. And I think once you
realize that, you know, the real intention

01:12:50.000 --> 01:12:54.999
behind any institution is to propagate
some value. And if you can understand

01:12:55.000 --> 01:12:59.999
what is the value that they are
propagating that they think is true, then

01:13:00.000 --> 01:13:05.000
you can either accept it
or say, \"Well, maybe not.\"