WEBVTT

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[music]

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I\'m sick of leading a double life.
I\'ve been acting in

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and directing plays and films for years.

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On your knees! On your feet! But for the
past six years I\'ve been keeping it a

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secret as well. A secret about myself.
I want to be

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honest about it. I know it\'s a risk.
I might not get work again.

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Thanks very much, thank you.
Thank you. I\'ve melt with

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multiple sclero-, I can\'t even say it.
Multiple sclerosis.

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Multiple sclerosis. I know that I
can\'t disguise that anymore, and

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you know two years ago, people would be saying to me, \'Have
you a limp?, \' occasionally, and you know two years later,

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they\'re still saying to me, \'Have you got a limp?\'
And I\'m like, \'Oh!\' People think I\'m drunk, I\'m

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staggering, and, you know my
balance is poor. My mobility\'s

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poor, I don\'t have the stamina.

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Every morning I get up and
think, I don\'t have M.S.

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I know I\'m in denial about it.

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[sil.]

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And this machine, this, scanning machine can
show me pictures of the brain, but it can\'t

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show you how the disease
is going to affect you.

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It\'s not going to cure you. I feel it\'s

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progressing, I know it\'s progressing, and I know
it\'s progressed quite rapidly in this last year.

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Nobody can tell you whether you\'re gonna be
in a wheelchair in six months or six years.

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Or, whether you\'re gonna go blind.
Or, or whatever.

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And these areas right here within the

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brain, and these are the typical lesions
of M.S. Now this is the more recent

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scan. There are a few new regions
here that weren\'t there previously.

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So this is the lowest one...

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[sil.]

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I don\'t think about it in
terms of like that, kind of,

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medical thing, of what like is actually
physically happening to my body.

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But to try and find an image for it,
because then I\'d be able to sort of,

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in a way, personify it, and identify it.

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It, it\'s got this kind of mission, that whatever
this is, whatever these little, sort of, mad

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creatures are, if I start looking
too far, they\'ve got to wake up.

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Th, th, they call saying, they\'re gon-, alright,
got a call, neenuh! neenuh! neenuh! (ph)

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let\'s get going, lets goin\' oh
my goodness she\'s on the move!

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We\'ve gotta stop this, help! You know.
And they\'ve got to start tying me down

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and sort of, you know, hammering
nails into the ground, and, I,

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pouring concrete into my shoes.

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The feeling of the fatigue, and
it was like you\'re walking

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through mud. Or like, you know, if
you imagine you\'re walking through

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the deep end of the swimming pool, and you\'ve got all your clothes
on, and your shoppin\' bags, and you\'re just weighted down and you\'re

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just, puhh (ph), that\'s what
the fatigue feels like.

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My hands, are, feel like, sort
of covered in barbed wire,

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it\'s difficult to pick things up, and it\'s
difficult to feel things such a length of space.

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[sil.]

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As soon as you start to talk about it, you lose the image. That\'s
kind of about what they\'re like at the moment. I can see them, but

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I can\'t quite see them. Ahh! I can\'t even draw
anymore, my hands won\'t even let me do that!

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It\'s terrible! That, is, rubbish!

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[music]

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One, two, nine, take one. I\'m
actually in, haggard at the moment

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and nobody knows about the M.S. You know,

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I\'m leading a double life. I feel quite bad
about that, I feel quite, eh, I feel as if

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I\'ve deceived them. And
my feet are killing me!

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What shoes have you got on? I\'ve got on-Oh, it\'s
because you\'ve gone over the ankle, isn\'t it?

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Did you? Yeah, I went over the ankle, it
became-, but I\'ve got, uh, my bandage on.

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Did you notice anything, anything...

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strange? I jus-, I just kept
wondering what\'s happening to her.

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Don\'t. Don\'t think like that.
You\'ll drive yourself mad.

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Cut! Cut, that was

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great. And, action.

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Well, I can hardly go upstairs without
holding on. If I can go at the

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scenes about me being slightly worried
and exhausted, so I don\'t have to like,

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look spritely running up and down the
stairs, was sad I couldn\'t do that.

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And, cut! Alright, stand-by. Let\'s quiet
please, here we go, alright, action.

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It was just really difficult.
And, um, and it,

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and I was very nervous about it. Very, obviously,
very anxious. And, Shavana (ph), who plays

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my PA, my assistant,
whose, um, fit, healthy,

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eh, she found it pretty hard going as well. I mean
after, uh, the 10th or 12th takes, she\'s goin\'

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\'oh my god!\' Action. And I, I
just got slower and slower

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and I, you know, I don\'t know how I managed
it, actually, I just, I, I, some kind of

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will power, and I don\'t know, it got me up and down, but each time
it got more and more difficult, and each time I was just thinking,

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\'I don\'t know if I\'m going to get through this, \'
and of course it was obvious I was, you know...

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And I used the ballast, you know. And, um,

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sh-partner tripped, oh my god, thank god it wasn\'t me, because
if I tripped, I\'d be falling all the way down the stairs!

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Probably, again.

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How Many times did I go up the stairs?

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About 15 times, was it? Right.
I think I should have

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at least lost a pound, then. SMG.

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I know what it is. It\'s my medical forms.

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Oh! God!

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They even provide a pen!

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Ha ha ha! Just in case there\'s any

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god how is that for efficiency! They even provide
a pen! So basically, you all, cast and crew,

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have to sign a medical form. It\'s so that they can insure you
for the shoot. And-I thought that it had already started?

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It has.

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So what could you lose? They could
just that they can\'t insure me.

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[sil.]

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Oh, dear. And they, you know, let all
these people have that information.

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And then you start, these people, and then you don\'t know who knows what,
and then everbody\'s talkin\', well did you know how some people\'s got,

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oh yeah, she got far and she\'s got M.S., oh god.
Did you know that? Know, I don\'t know that.

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And, the whole thing goes out and, suddenly,
you\'re, unemployable. Untouchable.

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Just don\'t go anywhere on your own.
Alright? Are you trying to frighten me?

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If that\'s what it takes, yes.

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Very good, Alison (ph). Thank you!

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[sil.]

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There\'s very few people who do what M-, about
my M.S. I\'ve close friends, and, obviously,

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close family.

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I\'m back in Taggert (ph) tomorrow. And, um, I
still have to sign my medical form, and that\'s-

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Are they pushin\' for it? They haven\'t asked
me for it, yet. I mean the thing is,

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it\'s, it\'s, it\'s, really, uh, I mean the question
is, yes, to sign it, but it\'s a bigger question.

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It\'s a much bigger question,
it\'s like how, how long

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can you go on-Yeah. In a situation-

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Yeah, how many times can I-How many times would you, if you ever
decide to falsify a document like this. How many times would you

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have to falsify it. At the moment, \'cause, you know,
you\'ve been, you\'ve held it back and you haven\'t come out.

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You don\'t actually know what effect it\'s going
to have. All you know is that the personal

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burden of keeping it secret\'s been getting
progressively more difficult, hasn\'t it.

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So right, denial, and, shove it away-Ostrich for a little bit
longer-Ostrich for a bit longer- And then, if they come and ask you

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for it, then-Then maybe
I just have to sign it.

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\'Cause I know I\'m gonna have to come,
I have to come clean about, you know,

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my condition, what I have, and people will
know why I\'m limpin\', so I just accept it.

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People just don\'t have actors who limp.
Because nobody in the the acting world,

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nobody in TV world, limps.

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We\'re going to SMG, to
talk to Grim (ph) Gordon.

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Taggert producer. Right, right. I\'m

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going to do it, I\'m going to tell them.

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It\'s all escalatin\' in a kind of big way.
I feel absolutely sickly

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nervous about this.

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It\'s about the health insurance form, right.
And, I have a health issue. And, but I

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have M.S. And one of the first que-,
things about this is, is this is like the

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first thing you have to say, you see,
\'have you got any neurological...\'

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Right. Any actual health-In the form it says,
\'Have you got any thing, \' and so, I mean this is

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somethin\' I been dealing and dealing and dealing. It says, have
you got, first thing, a disease of the bleedin\' nervous system,

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and I do have. Now I\'ve been keepin\' this a secret for a
long time, and I, you know, it\'s come to a point where

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I\'ve just got to come clean about it, and uh, and
be honest about it. I\'ve had it for six years-

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Right. I, I, uh-You seem to deal with it really well.
Yeah, um, it hasn\'t stopped me doin\' anything in the last

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five or six years, you know. No, and it should never stop you
doin\' anything, unless you, feel that you, you know, anything-

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Yeah, yeah, yeah right. Okay. I\'ll make certain it goes to Lenny (ph).
I\'ll make certain it\'s confidential, as they always are. Yeah, uh-huh.

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Uh-huh. And, uh. I\'ll go do-, sleep
tight, you know, don\'t worry about it.

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Thanks very much. Thank you. Oh my God!

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[sil.]

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You know, I brought this up into such a big thing. Yeah, well,
I mean, it\'s just been, you know, thinkin\' all these years

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that it\'s all been, kinda like, with, head in the sand and
that kinda stuff. And suddenly, to be comin\' out, and it\'s

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kinda. Qui-, it\'s quite a
dramatic change, isn\'t it.

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I was so gla-, I told him I had M.S., and he was like,
and he was just great, I mean he was just like,

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I mean, he was just completely practical. You know, since I
mean, he\'s like, he\'s jus-, he\'s gonna be thinkin\' bout me in

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programs. What I love is that he\'s, like goin\',
alright we\'ve got this drama, we\'re gonna-,

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\'Right yeah, there\'s no problem, you can do it.\' Maybe not,
you can\'t do an action thriller, of course. I wouldn\'t

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be able to do an action thriller if I was completely fit!
No, because, no, no, neither would-, I mean God, no!

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And who would want me! And to be like, surely not! Could
you just bring the crane in and just help me across the

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rock?

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We\'re gonna do a bit of, um, retail
therapy. Actually, actually, it won\'t be

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retail therapy, \'cause it will just be
retail stress, lookin\' at shoes that I\'m not

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able to wear any more.

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[sil.]

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I\'m gettin\' a leg brace,
it\'s gettin\' fitted.

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Eventually. I mean at that-, you know, the-But you
don\'t need it to just now. I do need it just now,

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but I can\'t, uh, well I, the thing with
the leg brace is that, it, it means that

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I can walk further, because the thing, the
reason that I get fatigued and tired, why my

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why I start limping more is because I got the fatigue, and,
and my foot drops. And the leg braces stop the foot dropping.

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Right, okay. The only thing is, that
it\'s designed for sensible shoes!

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So you couldn\'t have one that fits
it onto your vintage platforms?

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Yeah, I couldn\'t get em to go into my f-, vintage platforms,
I mean even my boots like that. You know, it\'s like, so I\'m-

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So basically, you\'ve become-I\'m in, uh,
walking boots, or flat shoes, or trainers.

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Fantastic. Oh God! Too high?

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Too high, too thin. Too high, too thin, too pointed.
Too pointy, too high, too thin, too red, actually.

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Too red!

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I like to have a bit of to spare.
A bit glamour.

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A bit sexiness. And a flat sensible shoe ain\'t gonna do
it. And so, it\'s like, a wee death. Another wee death.

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Oh, ch-, claim-, go, go! Right, um,

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yeah, oh God. There you go.
They can just go.

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These are my shoes that I
had, my big accident, when

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I fell over in Edinburgh. It\'s like I
can feel myself. Hear, see, myself

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falling for ages. And I can\'t
stop myself, and, and there\'s no,

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and it\'s like, pff, and I just crash down.
So, bad. Bad me, bad shoes.

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So, go on.

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[sil.]

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These are, these are my fabby, fabby, fabby, shoes.
I could dance all night in them, and they\'re so

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holly, well they\'re so glamorous.

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Sometimes you just want to wear
something that makes you feel fabulous.

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And they make you feel fabulous. And that\'s
why I\'ve kicked the toes out of them.

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I,

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Can\'t enjoy wearing shoes
like that anymore.

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My walking boots. Which,

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sadly, have, uh, very little wear.

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I was away on holiday, and
uh, this was five years ago.

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And I just came to the waters
edge, and I just couldn\'t move.

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I\'d never experienced anything like it before, and I
didn\'t know it was happening to me, I didn\'t know

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I had M.S. at that time, and uh, I couldn\'t work
it out, and I just was like, my leg could not go

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that stone to that stone. It,
I just couldn\'t do that.

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Hi! How you doin\'? How you doin\'?
This is Chris.

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This is Nicola (ph). That\'s
uh, my, that\'s my bag of

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shoes. Wow, it\'s impressive. A bit small isn\'t it?
It\'s not very much at all, actually, that\'s all the

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ones that I think could be even practical.

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Well, this is your splint. Alright. Okay, hello. I did
order you something that I thought was as light weight as

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possible. Uh-huh. And as little of it as possible.
Uh-huh. That\'s great. It is important to get the

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right shoe to fit with it,
because, it will be comfortable.

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Get the wrong shoe with it, it will be
uncomfortable. Right. It will press on your shin.

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[sil.]

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Okay, you\'re gonna go and
have a walk, just there-

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Yeah, yeah. Before I change my mind.

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God.

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I look down and I just wanna throw up!

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You might just have to
go out and buy some new!

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Nice! What a triumph.

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Most of them. My shoe cupboard is going to very
diminished. There\'s not gonna be anything in it.

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[sil.]

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So? How does that feel?

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I mean, it feels a bit strange, and you know, try and
get used to it. I mean, you look two inches taller.

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You really do! You really do, it\'s amazing. And it\'s
good, the glamour issue came up as well, because that is

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important, my, it\'s important for me that you are
a glamorous person. It\'s how I\'ve always seen ya.

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Yeah- And, you know, if that\'s taken
away, then, oh, support for me too!

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Yeah, yeah- And for everyone that knows you,
that\'s how we see you, kinda thing. Yeah.

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And how does it feel having to have something strapped to
your neck to make your neck work properly Pfft, terrible!

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Um, yeah.

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About, there\'s somethin\', that um,

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I mean it\'ll make it worse. That I
might have to, you know, that, uh,

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just, you know, that might
be the first of many, um,

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oh, God.

00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:34.999
Yeah. That might be the first of many
things that I have to adjust to in times of

00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:39.999
like, I don\'t know how-, where it\'s
gonna go. And that\'s, you know, I

00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:44.999
br-, a splint that might be hidden by-, you know the worst
thing I have to do is wear trainers, or the splint is

00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:49.999
not gonna be, like, it\'s not that big an
issue, where if it comes to having to wear,

00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:54.999
to, we-, uh, you know, going to wheelchair, or
you know, not being able to be mobilized at all.

00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:59.999
That\'s minimal. And, but
not it doesn\'t feel good.

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:04.999
I\'m directing a new piece, from

00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:09.999
my company and the national theater of
Scotland. It\'s a drama about a woman with M.S.

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.999
It\'s the first time I\'m bringing
the theme into my work.

00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.999
Workshops start today, but I haven\'t yet told
the actors and the rest of the team about it,

00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.999
myself.

00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.999
It\'s a piece called S.O.M.S. Bad girl!

00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.999
It\'s about a woman with M.S.
who becomes a dominatrix.

00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:39.999
I was like, hmm! I can\'t get work.
I know, I\'ll become a dominatrix!

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:44.999
So I\'ll be suspended in the air as a dog.
Okay, come towards me.

00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:49.999
On your knees! Up! Stand up!

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.999
If he\'s a bit lower so Louise can get to him. Yeah,
thanks, so, so like, just, like, that\'s enough.

00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.999
If you\'re tie draw him the other way,
so that he\'d be able to spin like that.

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.999
This is a kind of almost dark analogody
(ph) for her, in terms of, um,

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.999
the M.S., because what I was interested
in, is that she\'s this woman who gets

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.999
this power, and then it\'s taken
away from her, uh, because of

00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.999
something that happens to her without,
the, she can\'t, that she can\'t control.

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.999
And how does that affect her? In this
world that she\'s, she\'s created.

00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.999
Oh, just watch your head.

00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:34.999
You don\'t realize, until, you, you\'ve tried

00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:39.999
it, that actually, it all works.
It all works.

00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.999
You want to keep the mystery. You don\'t,
uh, don\'t, everybody wants to know

00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.999
that you\'re in a lot of pain or suffering. I don\'t
want to know that a belly dancer, honor points, is

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.999
crippled. Beg!

00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.999
Not piss, I said beg! We spent a
lot of the day working on the

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
S.M. side of it, on the dominatrix side
of it. But I realize that I was avoiding

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
discussing the M.S. at all.

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
But there\'s something else I have to tell you all,
which is a bit of a shock, is that I have M.S.

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
Well it\'s gotten to the point that I can\'t know how
you don\'t know. Uh, physically I\'m not able to hide

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
it that much now, and it\'s got to the
point where I do, sometimes have to

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
use a stick and everything, you know. And
so, this is the way it\'s gonna come out.

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
So, for better or worse.

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
I think that\'s, uh, of, uh, this is a fantastic
way to do it. And using it in a positive

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
a positive way. That\'s just. I\'d really, I

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
admire you very much for that, that\'s.
Who knows, you know,

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
what will happen, but, uh-

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
I kinda want it to be out there, in the sense
that I believe that, very strongly, that

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
I should be allowed to work.
And live. In this

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
world. As a person with a disability. A lot of
people might think, \'What are you doing?\' and,

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
\'God, what are we doin?
That is so shallow!\'

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
Or, \'God what a cheap publicity stunt!\' I don\'t
know what people will think about it, and that\'s

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
that is gonna be the, the um, you
know, flak that\'s gonna come

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
back on me, which, I have no idea,
I mean it could just, explode

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
in my face. Uh, the thing about M.S.

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
is there\'s no, it, it\'s so unpredictable.
I was up in

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
Aberdeen, and I realized I couldn\'t actually
see headlights of cars or anything out

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
of my right eye. And I just thought, oh my
God, I\'m going blind. I couldn\'t see anything.

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
And, I mean, I could just see a shape,
that was all. And, I went to the doctor,

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
he got me into the hospital immediately.
But please God, touch wood, my

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
left eye\'s okay. And my right eye is coming
back to, you know, it\'s not absolutely

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
what it was, but it\'s better. It was terrifying.
It was absolutely terrifying, I just-

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
I have to recognize that M.S. is, um,

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
somebody I share my body with.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
I mean, I\'ve got a huge amount of work I\'ve taken on,
and that\'s very scary as well, because I\'m actually,

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
there\'s part of me that worries that I\'m not gonna handle
that, and, and there\'s, you know, part of me that really does

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
think, uh, Alison, you can\'t do this, you\'re,
you\'re takin\' on so much work, and how can you

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
cope, and, because you can\'t, you
know, it\'s, difficult for me.

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
And, um, but, I suppose that

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
part of the thing is that I\'m kind of,

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
scared of how, you, time is running out. And I don\'t
know what I\'m gonna be like in a year\'s time.

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
And, um,

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
I suppose I just want to, um,

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
I don\'t know, I just have to, do,
I want to try and do as much

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
as I can before I can\'t do anything.

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
[sil.]

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
I\'m going to my sister\'s in Dublin, for Christmas. In forced
relaxation. I expect I\'ll get another lecture from my mom

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
about working too hard.

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:38.000
[sil.]

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
I\'m puttin\' my patch on,
\'cause my eye\'s a bit swollen.

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
You\'ve got to cut down a little bit, you
can\'t just keep goin\' all the time.

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
You\'ve had so much on your mind, and with your
work, as well, you really have become over-tired.

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
Mom was often, and be on the corner,
saying, you\'re doing too much.

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
And that you really need to take a bit more help.
You wouldn\'t like to be waited on hand and food,

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
and mollycoddled. Oh yeah she would!
No, you wouldn\'t. I don\'t think so.

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
You\'re the first person I told, and act-It\'s like
openin\' up Pandora\'s Box when you tell somebody.

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
Well, it wasn\'t just that, it was actually I felt
as if I can\'t-, I, I couldn\'t-, I had this huge,

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
big, heavy, burden. A big
stone, weight, and I felt as if

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
I took that and give it to you, and I to-, how, you
know, that, you know, what could you do with that

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
news. Some times you\'re, ye-, you think if
you don\'t talk about nothin\' it\'ll go away.

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
And I was annoyed because you didn\'t tell me, because I
thought I should\'ve know much sooner. I had a right to know!

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
I know you did have a right to know, and I\'m sorry about that, but I just
felt, you know, you had to through dad for years and years and years

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
with M.S., and then, and
I just thought that was

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
uh, uh-Too much. It was too much, and well, to have to put you through
that. And well, , that\'s what you thought, but the first thing

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
I thought differently, because I thought,
\'I should\'ve been told right away!\' Yeah.

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
I couldn\'t bear to tell her because my father had M.S.
I mean, she watched him decline and die, you know.

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
And I just thought it\'d be all so awful
for her to have to go through that

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
again.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
Well I, can remember, first started
noticin\' something wrong with dad and then,

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
you know, as he got, you know, got less able to walk,
and then having to wear, use one stick, and then

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
two sticks, and then, and I
just remember being really

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
embarrassed, and annoyed, and ohh,
with him, and I just feel really

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
guilt-ridden, and really ashamed
about it now. Well I was just,

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
so, angry at him! Just like, \'Oh, God!\'

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
You know, and it was just such a nuisance.
Like I resented going to

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
the hospital to visit him when he was
in the hospital. I was so horrible!

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
Hell mend ya!

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:13.000
[sil.]

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
This is the very spot that I realized

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
something was wrong. This
was where my first symptoms

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
appeared. When I couldn\'t cross this river.

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
In the course of this
film, I\'ve been telling

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
more people, um, about my
M.S., I\'ve been coming out

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
more and more to people. That has been a
process about me coming out to myself.

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
And accepting fact that I have M.S.

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
It\'s not gonna go away, I\'m not gonna
wake up in the morning and it\'s gone.

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
I have it. It\'s like you know,
you know I\'m wearing a big

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
huge big banner, that is going,
going proclaiming that I have

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
M.S., I have a disability. And I\'m very scared about that,
because, you know, I don\'t want to be seen as that.

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
It\'s not how I want to b-, obviously want to be
seen as m-, I want to be myself. I\'ll have some

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
Alison Peebles, some day, who, um, acts,
who directs, and who, sometimes falls

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
over! But, uh, you know, every journey,
I suppose, is of a, an adventure,

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
and a bit scary. But, uh, and that
all sounds very neat and tidy,

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
but it ain\'t. It\'s all gonna,
it could be really messy.

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
\'Cause that\'s what life is like, you know.
So, the journey begins again.

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:10.000
[sil.]