A Still Small Voice
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
In most US hospitals, alongside medical responses to illness and injury, lesser-known interventions take place every day. Responding to patients, family members and hospital staff who are experiencing spiritual and emotional distress, chaplains sit at bedsides, helping people to deepen connections with themselves, one another, and a world beyond this one. A STILL SMALL VOICE follows Mati, a chaplain completing a year-long residency at New York City's Mount Sinai Hospital, as she learns to provide spiritual care to people confronting profound life changes. Following his acclaimed 2019 film MIDNIGHT FAMILY, director Luke Lorentzen digs into Mati's spiritual work as an entry point to explore how we seek meaning in suffering, uncertainty, and grief. Through Mati's experiences with her patients, her struggle with professional burnout, and her own spiritual questioning, we gain new perspectives on how meaningful connection can be and how painful its absence is. As Mati and her patients take stock of their lives and experiences, space opens up to reflect on our own.
Anthony Kaufman | Documentary Magazine
“Exquisite and extraordinarily intimate.”
Alissa Wilkinson | The New York Times
“Absorbing.” “One of the best films of 2023.”
Alissa Wilkinson | Vox
“The grace that flows off the screen is gutting.”
Amy Nicholson | The New York Times Critics Pick
“It’s human and messy — and it’s divine.”
Christian Blauvelt | IndieWire
“Give[s] voice to America’s collective grief in a way that little else has.”
Anthony Kaufman | DOC10 Chicago
“A STILL SMALL VOICE is suffused with such sensitivity, poignancy, and artistry that it’s already being hailed as one of the best documentaries of the year. . . . A profoundly piercing chronicle of an individual under pressure and an institution in crisis.”
Sheri Linden | The Hollywood Reporter
“Penetrating and deeply moving. . . . Unforgettable.”
Kim Yutani | Sundance Film Festival Director of Programming
“One of the more fascinating journeys I saw this year.”
Pat Mullen | POV Magazine
“One of the most rewarding character studies audiences will see this year. . . . therapeutically moving and a work of radical empathy for turbulent times.”
Jessica Peña | Next Best Picture
“An illuminating documentary on how pain carries weight on us all. It asks big questions, studies the human psyche, and offers hope.”
Nicolas Rapold | Sight & Sound
“At once an eloquent reflection on mortality and a quintessential document of the emotional and spiritual burdens of great responsibility, Luke Lorentzen’s A STILL SMALL VOICE finds the universal in the particular experience of a hospital chaplain . . . . Lorentzen’s incredibly attuned, efficient filmmaking set this film apart in a crowded field of works on life and death and healthcare.”
Elizabeth Weitzman | The Wrap
“A STILL SMALL VOICE holds wisdom enough to apply to us all. [Mati’s] lack of cynicism and her respect and care for patients and their families is so astounding it feels almost miraculous . . . . The camera sits quietly and nonjudgmentally so that soft-spoken subjects can explore and express the grandest themes imaginable: what it means to live, and how we learn to die.”
Andre Couture | GVN
“Carries immeasurable strength from within.”
Stephen Saito | The Moveable Feast
“Therapeutic and cleansing.”
Citation
Main credits
Lorentzen, Luke (film director)
Lorentzen, Luke (film producer)
Quinn, Kellen (film producer)
Other credits
Cinematography & editing, Luke Lorentzen; music, Ziki Hexum.
Distributor subjects
Spiritual Care,Chaplaincy,Clinical Pastoral Education,Faith,Healthcare,Mental Wellbeing,Spiritual Questioning,Agnosticism,Judaism,Christianity,HumanismKeywords
00:00:03.672 --> 00:00:07.342
(medical equipment
gently beeping)
00:00:27.862 --> 00:00:32.867
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:01:02.438 --> 00:01:07.443
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:01:07.443 --> 00:01:10.113
- [Mati] Hap, do you
want some calming music?
00:01:15.202 --> 00:01:16.577
Do you prefer it quiet?
00:01:22.625 --> 00:01:24.127
You prefer the quiet?
00:01:29.215 --> 00:01:30.048
Okay.
00:01:34.887 --> 00:01:39.892
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:01:45.523 --> 00:01:46.357
You want the pen?
00:01:48.067 --> 00:01:48.902
No?
00:01:54.365 --> 00:01:59.370
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:02:06.168 --> 00:02:07.587
You wanna
show me something?
00:02:11.590 --> 00:02:12.800
This is in the way?
00:02:16.512 --> 00:02:18.682
Okay.
Do you want me to move this?
00:02:19.973 --> 00:02:21.350
It's fine here?
00:02:21.350 --> 00:02:23.895
Okay, can I hold your hand
for a minute?
00:02:26.313 --> 00:02:27.148
What?
00:02:33.278 --> 00:02:38.283
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:02:39.160 --> 00:02:40.203
Can I hold your hand?
00:02:42.913 --> 00:02:43.748
There we go.
00:02:46.625 --> 00:02:51.588
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:03:16.238 --> 00:03:18.240
Hap, I'm sorry
it's so difficult
00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:20.243
to communicate right now.
00:03:24.288 --> 00:03:27.833
And I hope
your body's intelligence
00:03:27.833 --> 00:03:29.335
can bring you back.
00:03:34.382 --> 00:03:37.760
And I have no understanding
00:03:37.760 --> 00:03:40.847
of what your body is
going through right now.
00:03:40.847 --> 00:03:43.933
I'm doing my best, okay?
00:03:44.933 --> 00:03:49.938
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:04:11.668 --> 00:04:16.673
(medical equipment
gently beeping continues)
00:04:24.682 --> 00:04:26.350
- [David] All right,
so let's take a moment
00:04:26.350 --> 00:04:27.602
to get ourselves centered
00:04:30.228 --> 00:04:33.650
and ready, bringing your
energy across the boundary
00:04:34.817 --> 00:04:36.693
into this time and space.
00:04:39.072 --> 00:04:40.280
You're welcome
to close your eyes
00:04:40.280 --> 00:04:43.575
or let your eyes
fall in front of you.
00:04:50.667 --> 00:04:53.460
And I would just invite you
to check in with yourself
00:04:55.212 --> 00:04:56.922
at the center of your being.
00:05:01.760 --> 00:05:03.637
What are you feeling?
00:05:03.637 --> 00:05:05.598
What is your experience?
00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:16.400
Could be anger, grief,
00:05:19.195 --> 00:05:20.278
distraction.
00:05:34.043 --> 00:05:35.587
And when you're ready,
you can
00:05:36.503 --> 00:05:38.255
slowly lift your eyes
00:05:38.255 --> 00:05:40.758
and begin to make eye
contact around the room
00:05:42.468 --> 00:05:44.720
and just let the group
know when you're here.
00:05:47.013 --> 00:05:47.890
- [Michele] Here.
00:05:49.267 --> 00:05:50.100
- [Fumiko] I'm here.
00:05:52.103 --> 00:05:53.145
- [Mati] I'm here.
00:05:54.355 --> 00:05:55.482
- [Jessica] I'm here.
00:05:58.025 --> 00:06:00.110
- [David] Okay, so the
table is open if anybody
00:06:00.110 --> 00:06:02.363
wants to share
their experience.
00:06:04.532 --> 00:06:06.617
- [Michele] Would you guys
mind if I went first?
00:06:07.660 --> 00:06:08.410
All right.
00:06:08.745 --> 00:06:12.207
So I just had the call
at noon for the family,
00:06:12.207 --> 00:06:13.750
the patient
I've been following
00:06:14.958 --> 00:06:17.128
for probably
four or five visits now.
00:06:18.797 --> 00:06:20.465
Patient took a turn
for the worse yesterday
00:06:20.465 --> 00:06:22.048
and now is actively dying.
00:06:23.802 --> 00:06:26.720
So, yeah, that's what I'm
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:28.305
coming to the group
with today.
00:06:30.850 --> 00:06:34.437
- [David] So, Michele, take
a moment to really connect
00:06:36.022 --> 00:06:37.648
because you're holding a lot.
00:06:37.648 --> 00:06:38.732
- [David] You're holding a lot
00:06:38.732 --> 00:06:42.237
and I want you to be able to
bring in the experience
00:06:42.237 --> 00:06:43.947
that you're having right now.
00:06:45.740 --> 00:06:48.033
So as you close your
eyes, as you look down,
00:06:48.033 --> 00:06:51.120
what are you feeling
inside of yourself?
00:06:55.500 --> 00:06:59.628
- I think kind of two
things are coming to me.
00:06:59.628 --> 00:07:04.008
One is sadness and the
other is just feeling
00:07:04.008 --> 00:07:07.137
a little bit of helplessness
at being in a system
00:07:07.137 --> 00:07:09.013
that, pardon my language,
00:07:09.013 --> 00:07:11.765
but creates kind of a really
shitty experience for people
00:07:11.765 --> 00:07:12.892
at the end of life.
00:07:14.893 --> 00:07:19.315
He's just in this nondescript
room on a medicine floor,
00:07:19.315 --> 00:07:21.358
spending the last few hours
of his life.
00:07:23.903 --> 00:07:28.157
- Yeah, and I'm wondering
about if helplessness is,
00:07:28.157 --> 00:07:31.827
when you start to elaborate,
I get a sense for your anger.
00:07:31.827 --> 00:07:33.913
- [Michele] Yeah,
there's anger underneath.
00:07:34.913 --> 00:07:36.582
- [David] Okay, let's see
if you can get a subgroup.
00:07:36.582 --> 00:07:38.125
You can just say
anybody else.
00:07:38.125 --> 00:07:39.710
- Anybody else?
00:07:39.710 --> 00:07:40.628
That was a lot.
00:07:42.172 --> 00:07:45.007
- [David] So the subgroup
is really around the anger,
00:07:45.007 --> 00:07:46.133
the frustration.
00:07:47.343 --> 00:07:50.428
It doesn't have to be
about patient experiences,
00:07:50.428 --> 00:07:51.347
could be about anything.
00:07:55.225 --> 00:08:00.188
- [Fumiko] I can join you
in your frustration and anger
00:08:00.732 --> 00:08:04.152
because of my experience
00:08:04.152 --> 00:08:07.488
of not being able
to see my mother
00:08:07.488 --> 00:08:09.823
in a hospital
when she was dying
00:08:09.823 --> 00:08:11.783
because of COVID restrictions.
00:08:13.535 --> 00:08:16.163
I was very angry,
I was very frustrated.
00:08:19.958 --> 00:08:20.835
I can join you.
00:08:21.252 --> 00:08:22.420
- [Michele] Yeah.
00:08:22.878 --> 00:08:25.590
- [David] And what's your
experience right now, Fumiko?
00:08:29.093 --> 00:08:33.555
- Let me go, let me go
see my mom, so that's...
00:08:33.555 --> 00:08:34.515
- Okay.
00:08:34.515 --> 00:08:36.225
- [Fumiko] Let me
hold her hand.
00:08:39.020 --> 00:08:39.978
- [David] Good, good.
00:08:44.525 --> 00:08:45.568
- Anybody else?
00:08:54.327 --> 00:08:57.955
- [Mati] Fumiko,
I hear, um...
00:08:59.165 --> 00:09:00.708
loss of agency.
00:09:05.420 --> 00:09:09.383
The feeling of hitting
a wall and trying to like
00:09:09.383 --> 00:09:12.928
just get to the person
you love or...
00:09:16.515 --> 00:09:18.558
to the place
that your heart wants to be.
00:09:21.228 --> 00:09:24.857
I... I can join in...
in feeling, um...
00:09:24.857 --> 00:09:27.233
stunted or blocked
00:09:27.233 --> 00:09:29.070
by something
out of my control.
00:09:31.822 --> 00:09:34.075
Yeah, I just wanted
to reflect that back.
00:09:35.743 --> 00:09:39.205
I don't know that
I fully grasped it, but...
00:09:40.497 --> 00:09:42.500
- [Fumiko] I think that's
what I said, thank you.
00:09:42.500 --> 00:09:43.583
(Mati laughing gently)
00:09:44.502 --> 00:09:45.335
- Yeah.
00:09:48.088 --> 00:09:49.840
- [Fumiko] Thank you.
00:09:55.262 --> 00:09:57.557
(birds chirping)
00:09:57.557 --> 00:10:01.643
(faint shouting of children)
00:10:09.943 --> 00:10:11.153
- [David] There's
an old adage,
00:10:11.153 --> 00:10:14.365
"Don't just stand there,
do something."
00:10:16.450 --> 00:10:17.827
And we flip that.
00:10:17.827 --> 00:10:20.537
We say,
“Don't just do something,
00:10:21.663 --> 00:10:24.333
stand there,” or “be there.”
00:10:26.002 --> 00:10:29.713
Because there's connection
and healing in that.
00:10:38.180 --> 00:10:40.557
- [Interpreter] Thank you for
calling Pacific Interpreters.
00:10:40.557 --> 00:10:41.433
This is Katherine.
00:10:41.433 --> 00:10:43.268
I'll be your Polish
interpreter today.
00:10:43.268 --> 00:10:48.273
This call may be monitored
for training and quality.
00:10:48.607 --> 00:10:53.028
Are you calling from the
main hospital or from FPA?
00:10:53.028 --> 00:10:54.405
- From the main hospital.
00:10:55.613 --> 00:10:56.865
(background chatter)
00:10:56.865 --> 00:10:59.077
- [Interpreter] May I have
your employee number please?
00:10:59.077 --> 00:11:01.078
- 829-8613.
00:11:02.078 --> 00:11:03.788
- [Mati] Okay?
- [Interpreter] Okay, hi.
00:11:03.788 --> 00:11:06.375
- [Mati] Hi, so my name
is Margaret,
00:11:06.375 --> 00:11:08.585
I'm a chaplain
here at Mount Sinai.
00:11:08.585 --> 00:11:11.922
I offer spiritual care
and emotional support
00:11:11.922 --> 00:11:13.007
to our patients.
00:11:14.007 --> 00:11:16.677
- [Patient] Oh, okay.
- (Mati gently laughing)
00:11:16.677 --> 00:11:19.430
- Okay, if I wake up tomorrow.
00:11:19.430 --> 00:11:21.890
- [Mati] Yeah, yeah.
00:11:21.890 --> 00:11:23.933
How are you feeling right now?
00:11:24.810 --> 00:11:26.853
(speaking in Polish)
00:11:27.730 --> 00:11:29.148
- [Administrator] On 19?
- [Mati] 18.
00:11:29.148 --> 00:11:31.525
- 18. Sunita B.
Same step down.
00:11:31.525 --> 00:11:34.362
- [Mati] So the first name
I didn't catch.
00:11:34.362 --> 00:11:35.237
- [Administrator] Sunita.
00:11:35.237 --> 00:11:37.113
- No, for eight. Eight.
00:11:37.113 --> 00:11:38.907
- [Administrator] So eight
is Nagafna.
00:11:39.492 --> 00:11:44.955
(background chatter)
00:11:46.665 --> 00:11:48.375
- How is the 24 now?
00:11:48.375 --> 00:11:50.168
- [female voice 1] Not ready
yet, that's why I'm asking--
00:11:50.168 --> 00:11:52.295
- Okay, okay.
I'll go later, that's okay.
00:11:53.588 --> 00:11:54.757
- And I'm Margaret.
00:11:54.757 --> 00:11:56.092
- [female voice 2]
Oh, hi Margaret.
00:11:56.092 --> 00:11:57.552
Hi, oh, now I get it.
00:11:57.552 --> 00:11:58.927
I thought I saw someone
on the job.
00:11:58.927 --> 00:12:00.178
- Yeah.
- Okay.
00:12:09.480 --> 00:12:11.732
- [Mati] Hi, can I come in?
00:12:13.983 --> 00:12:15.735
Can I close the door?
00:12:19.490 --> 00:12:22.408
(patient coughing)
00:12:25.788 --> 00:12:28.582
- [Mati] What are you
making of your diagnosis?
00:12:29.708 --> 00:12:31.877
How are you relating to it?
00:12:31.877 --> 00:12:33.503
- I have a distance from it.
00:12:33.503 --> 00:12:36.465
- Yeah?
- It's like, okay, it's this,
00:12:36.465 --> 00:12:40.970
but I don't know what that
means, on a living level.
00:12:40.970 --> 00:12:42.805
- [Mati] What do you mean?
00:12:42.805 --> 00:12:44.723
- So they have
this diagnosis of
00:12:46.142 --> 00:12:48.643
(patient groans)
adenocarcinoma.
00:12:49.937 --> 00:12:52.982
- [Mati] Which is a fancy
way to say lung cancer?
00:12:52.982 --> 00:12:55.775
- A particular kind
of lung cancer.
00:12:55.775 --> 00:12:56.860
- Okay.
- Okay.
00:12:58.153 --> 00:12:59.155
What does that mean?
00:13:01.198 --> 00:13:02.950
I know my life
is gonna change,
00:13:02.950 --> 00:13:06.912
but I don't know how and
what, you know, in what ways?
00:13:06.912 --> 00:13:11.250
So I really have...
sort of waiting to see,
00:13:13.210 --> 00:13:17.632
and yeah,
my intention is to live,
00:13:19.508 --> 00:13:24.388
but I also want a certain
quality in my life, so...
00:13:27.348 --> 00:13:29.602
I really do have
to wait and see.
00:13:33.938 --> 00:13:37.610
I have to be in this moment
and go to the next moment,
00:13:37.610 --> 00:13:41.155
the next moment, and I'm
very clear from my past
00:13:41.155 --> 00:13:43.532
that it will be
revealed to me.
00:13:44.575 --> 00:13:45.825
It is revealed.
00:13:48.120 --> 00:13:51.040
And then I'll know, do
this, don't do that.
00:13:51.040 --> 00:13:54.585
Do that, don't do this,
you know.
00:13:54.585 --> 00:13:59.088
The mechanics of it
will be taken care of.
00:13:59.088 --> 00:14:00.798
But that's mechanical.
00:14:01.008 --> 00:14:01.842
- Yeah.
00:14:01.842 --> 00:14:03.802
- What I'm looking for is...
00:14:06.305 --> 00:14:09.057
and there's a question
of blame here and guilt
00:14:10.267 --> 00:14:11.977
'cause I did smoke.
(patient laughs)
00:14:11.977 --> 00:14:14.605
- [Mati] I was gonna
ask you about that one.
00:14:14.605 --> 00:14:18.317
- Twenty-five years, so
on one level it's like
00:14:18.317 --> 00:14:20.818
this is the consequence
of your behavior.
00:14:24.532 --> 00:14:26.117
My mother smoked
for much longer than I.
00:14:26.117 --> 00:14:28.077
She didn't get lung cancer.
00:14:28.077 --> 00:14:30.955
My brother smoked for longer.
He didn't get lung cancer.
00:14:30.955 --> 00:14:31.955
- [Mati] And you quit for--
00:14:31.955 --> 00:14:35.333
- And I quit for 30 years
and I get lung cancer.
00:14:35.333 --> 00:14:36.918
That's what's so...
00:14:38.003 --> 00:14:38.837
- [Mati] Yeah.
00:14:39.797 --> 00:14:44.385
- So... I am
looking at this whole
00:14:44.385 --> 00:14:47.387
question of unfairness.
00:14:50.765 --> 00:14:51.808
(patient sighing)
00:15:05.030 --> 00:15:06.865
- I wanted to ask you,
00:15:07.992 --> 00:15:12.495
and you might wanna take
time to think about this one,
00:15:12.495 --> 00:15:17.167
but a question that's been
percolating for me to ask you
00:15:17.167 --> 00:15:19.837
is what are you most proud of
00:15:19.837 --> 00:15:21.422
in your life?
00:15:22.757 --> 00:15:26.010
Because you've lived
such a thoughtful life.
00:15:27.302 --> 00:15:29.137
- [Patient] I've been
true to myself.
00:15:32.473 --> 00:15:33.475
- [Mati] Your integrity.
00:15:33.475 --> 00:15:35.060
- My integrity, yeah.
00:15:37.187 --> 00:15:38.313
Been true to myself.
00:15:44.277 --> 00:15:46.030
Wherever it led I went.
00:15:47.197 --> 00:15:48.532
Crazy as it was,
00:15:49.492 --> 00:15:50.283
you know.
00:15:51.202 --> 00:15:54.663
Okay, no this is not the
way, let's go this way.
00:15:55.497 --> 00:15:58.250
- [Mati] And so maybe
this comes back
00:15:58.250 --> 00:16:03.255
to the question before,
that decision making, right,
00:16:03.255 --> 00:16:06.258
because that's where our
integrity might be questioned
00:16:06.258 --> 00:16:10.553
or, you know, shaped further.
00:16:10.553 --> 00:16:11.388
- [Patient] Yeah.
00:16:14.140 --> 00:16:17.477
- How do you know when
you're acting with integrity?
00:16:17.477 --> 00:16:20.272
What are you listening to
inside of yourself?
00:16:20.272 --> 00:16:23.483
- Oh, inside of myself
I know for sure.
00:16:24.443 --> 00:16:29.490
There's a kind of knowing
in my solar plexus.
00:16:29.490 --> 00:16:32.283
When I'm like, not sure,
it's like
00:16:32.283 --> 00:16:34.202
(quavering singsong)
00:16:34.202 --> 00:16:36.538
so that gives me that clue.
00:16:43.628 --> 00:16:46.715
And the other thing I do,
'cause I have,
00:16:46.715 --> 00:16:49.927
I discovered as an adult,
I have ADHD.
00:16:52.722 --> 00:16:54.973
'Cause I, there's a list
of things and I said,
00:16:54.973 --> 00:16:56.600
Oh, I have all of those.
00:16:58.727 --> 00:17:02.815
And so I've learned with
meditation and stuff,
00:17:02.815 --> 00:17:05.775
slow it down, pay attention.
00:17:05.775 --> 00:17:07.945
Those are things I focus on.
00:17:07.945 --> 00:17:10.197
- [Mati] So when
you feel settled.
00:17:10.197 --> 00:17:11.865
- Yeah.
- And steady.
00:17:11.865 --> 00:17:14.242
- Then I can make a decision.
00:17:14.242 --> 00:17:15.077
- [Mati] Yeah.
00:17:15.077 --> 00:17:18.330
- Or the decision comes,
it's just like, this is it.
00:17:18.330 --> 00:17:19.748
- [Mati] I heard you say
before, like,
00:17:19.748 --> 00:17:22.167
there's like a small voice.
00:17:22.167 --> 00:17:23.877
- Yeah, definitely.
- That told you to get out
00:17:23.877 --> 00:17:25.378
of that relationship.
00:17:26.547 --> 00:17:28.632
Like a small quiet voice.
00:17:28.632 --> 00:17:31.552
- The still small voice
does come to me.
00:17:31.552 --> 00:17:33.803
- [Mati] Still small voice,
yeah.
00:17:35.180 --> 00:17:38.350
So we're going to be
looking out for that now.
00:17:38.350 --> 00:17:39.977
- Now, right.
- Right?
00:17:39.977 --> 00:17:43.730
- That's what I'm looking for,
and I'll know when I hear it.
00:17:43.730 --> 00:17:44.565
- [Mati] Right.
00:17:46.023 --> 00:17:50.653
So no being told to go
faster, quicker than you--
00:17:50.653 --> 00:17:54.658
- That's really, I'm usually
pushed along by everybody.
00:17:54.658 --> 00:17:58.453
This is really interesting
for me to see myself go,
00:17:59.747 --> 00:18:03.375
"You're not letting them
push you around."
00:18:03.375 --> 00:18:05.002
- [Mati] You're
sticking up for yourself?
00:18:05.002 --> 00:18:06.002
- Yeah, yeah.
00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:10.590
So that's kind of exciting.
00:18:11.842 --> 00:18:12.843
- [Mati] I think so.
00:18:17.347 --> 00:18:20.267
(patient coughing)
00:18:29.860 --> 00:18:31.612
So going slow.
00:18:31.612 --> 00:18:34.865
- Yeah, going slow.
- To hear yourself.
00:18:34.865 --> 00:18:36.032
- Yeah, yes.
00:18:36.032 --> 00:18:38.743
- And maintain the integrity.
- Yes.
00:18:38.743 --> 00:18:40.578
Thank you.
- Your own pace.
00:18:40.578 --> 00:18:45.583
- I go at my own pace in order
to hear my own small voice.
00:18:45.583 --> 00:18:46.877
- Yeah.
00:18:47.962 --> 00:18:48.962
Yeah.
00:18:53.133 --> 00:18:55.885
(birds chirping)
00:19:09.148 --> 00:19:12.152
(Mati gently sighing)
00:19:12.818 --> 00:19:16.282
(dogs faintly barking
in the distance)
00:19:17.490 --> 00:19:21.118
(gentle humming of the city)
00:19:23.747 --> 00:19:29.002
Yeah I have patients to call,
but I'm not in the mood yet.
00:19:29.002 --> 00:19:32.005
I think I'm like
running on empty.
00:19:40.263 --> 00:19:43.767
It's maybe like one o'clock,
I don't know.
00:19:45.685 --> 00:19:49.188
(dogs faintly barking
in the distance)
00:19:53.193 --> 00:19:55.945
(birds chirping)
00:19:56.655 --> 00:19:59.742
(honking cars in the distance)
00:20:01.452 --> 00:20:04.955
(gentle roaring of city)
00:20:11.210 --> 00:20:13.880
From your role as my
supervisor and, you know,
00:20:13.880 --> 00:20:15.507
the time that has gone by,
00:20:16.467 --> 00:20:21.472
where would you like to see
me next in terms of growth?
00:20:21.472 --> 00:20:24.265
What talents have come
through or certain skill sets
00:20:24.265 --> 00:20:27.685
either that you would want
to be improved on or like,
00:20:27.685 --> 00:20:29.855
just like, where would you
put me next
00:20:29.855 --> 00:20:34.860
if you had like any say
or choice in that
00:20:34.860 --> 00:20:36.653
from what you've seen of me?
00:20:37.820 --> 00:20:41.950
- I'm thinking about your
emotional boundaries.
00:20:43.243 --> 00:20:48.332
A lot gets through and
that can really drain you,
00:20:48.332 --> 00:20:51.960
deplete you,
and I think um...
00:20:53.003 --> 00:20:55.297
whatever you can do
to try to close
00:20:55.297 --> 00:20:56.757
those boundaries
a little bit more
00:20:56.757 --> 00:20:59.133
so a little bit less
gets through.
00:21:00.260 --> 00:21:02.595
So it's not an all or nothing,
it's not open or closed.
00:21:02.595 --> 00:21:06.683
It's how open, how closed
are those boundaries.
00:21:06.683 --> 00:21:09.268
So you can
manage your empathy.
00:21:11.938 --> 00:21:13.815
I feel it within me
00:21:14.900 --> 00:21:17.693
that I wanna
go deeper or further
00:21:17.693 --> 00:21:20.405
or go in this direction and,
00:21:21.448 --> 00:21:25.035
ah... should I,
or should I not
00:21:26.285 --> 00:21:27.997
at this point?
00:21:27.997 --> 00:21:30.290
And what are the risks
and what are the rewards?
00:21:30.290 --> 00:21:32.125
What's the potential fallout?
00:21:33.877 --> 00:21:36.128
Because it seems like what's
lurking in the background
00:21:36.128 --> 00:21:38.132
is what is the price
that you will pay
00:21:39.090 --> 00:21:40.550
in terms of exhaustion?
00:21:42.802 --> 00:21:45.472
There's a lot of effort
that goes into holding back,
00:21:45.472 --> 00:21:48.850
and there's a lot of effort
that goes into saying it
00:21:48.850 --> 00:21:52.187
and then dealing with what
comes after it's said.
00:21:52.187 --> 00:21:55.607
So it's not... I say that to
acknowledge the challenge,
00:21:55.607 --> 00:21:57.858
the difficulty
of either direction.
00:21:59.652 --> 00:22:02.863
And that's gonna live
on beyond the residency,
00:22:02.863 --> 00:22:04.992
I think, and that's
not a failure
00:22:04.992 --> 00:22:06.200
of yours or the residency.
00:22:06.200 --> 00:22:07.785
I think it’s just one of those
00:22:07.785 --> 00:22:10.955
larger issues that we all,
if we're lucky,
00:22:10.955 --> 00:22:13.167
we identify them
at some point and we say,
00:22:13.167 --> 00:22:15.293
Oh, okay, this is one
of those long-term things
00:22:15.293 --> 00:22:19.130
that I'm just gonna have
to continue to grapple with
00:22:19.130 --> 00:22:21.467
and develop
over the long haul.
00:22:23.093 --> 00:22:25.887
- Would it be possible
for me to ask you to
00:22:25.887 --> 00:22:28.473
keep an eye
on that learning goal,
00:22:28.473 --> 00:22:32.268
and kind of
be more forward with me
00:22:32.268 --> 00:22:35.938
where you see me
doing that well
00:22:35.938 --> 00:22:39.317
or like where I could
have been tighter.
00:22:39.317 --> 00:22:40.152
- I hear that.
00:22:40.152 --> 00:22:41.778
- [Mati] And the feedback
could be harsh.
00:22:41.778 --> 00:22:46.700
Don't be, like,
soft on me there, okay?
00:22:46.700 --> 00:22:50.037
- Okay, yeah, yeah,
well, yeah, I mean,
00:22:50.037 --> 00:22:53.498
I don't know that I...
It's hard for me to get harsh,
00:22:53.498 --> 00:22:56.375
so I don't think you have
to worry about harsh.
00:22:56.375 --> 00:22:59.670
I think what I'm hearing
you say is
00:22:59.670 --> 00:23:03.383
Step it up on the feedback
in this specific area.
00:23:03.383 --> 00:23:05.385
- Yeah.
- Give me more.
00:23:08.222 --> 00:23:11.307
(chaplains laughing)
00:23:14.352 --> 00:23:16.020
- [Amy] I'm so terrible
at this.
00:23:16.020 --> 00:23:17.563
- [David] Run in circles.
00:23:17.563 --> 00:23:19.775
- [Michele] I love it.
- [Amy] Or I'm the best!
00:23:21.443 --> 00:23:23.278
(all laughing)
00:23:23.278 --> 00:23:25.447
- [David] There you go.
00:23:25.447 --> 00:23:27.323
How many of these do we have?
00:23:27.323 --> 00:23:29.827
(all laughing)
(ball hitting filing cabinet)
00:23:29.827 --> 00:23:31.745
- That's pinball.
00:23:32.662 --> 00:23:34.205
(background chatter)
00:23:34.205 --> 00:23:36.165
- [David] Watch that
second bounce.
00:23:36.165 --> 00:23:37.875
(office chatter)
00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:40.545
- [Amy] How's the morning
been going?
00:23:40.545 --> 00:23:43.757
Anything from the weekend,
00:23:43.757 --> 00:23:46.217
anything of note
for the week ahead?
00:23:46.217 --> 00:23:47.677
Mati, you want
to start us off?
00:23:48.595 --> 00:23:51.055
- [Mati] I mean,
Thursday night...
00:23:51.055 --> 00:23:54.767
- You had a big case
in the PICU
00:23:54.767 --> 00:23:59.688
and I read there was...
That was huge, yeah.
00:23:59.688 --> 00:24:03.485
So an 11-month-old
came in for surgery
00:24:03.485 --> 00:24:05.695
and unexpectedly died
00:24:05.695 --> 00:24:07.280
in the operating room.
00:24:08.157 --> 00:24:10.158
- [Mati] Yeah,
the parents were 17 years old.
00:24:10.158 --> 00:24:11.242
- [Amy] Oh my gosh.
00:24:11.242 --> 00:24:12.743
(chaplains gasp)
00:24:17.040 --> 00:24:18.250
- It was heavy.
00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:22.795
So yeah,
that was part of my weekend.
00:24:23.838 --> 00:24:25.048
- [Amy] Yeah.
00:24:25.048 --> 00:24:27.633
Thank you for going
and being there
00:24:27.633 --> 00:24:28.760
and just so you know,
00:24:28.760 --> 00:24:32.722
there was so many emails that
night and the next morning.
00:24:32.722 --> 00:24:34.557
I appreciated getting
to read your chart note
00:24:34.557 --> 00:24:37.060
and having all the
information at my fingertips.
00:24:37.060 --> 00:24:38.520
So thank you so much.
00:24:40.855 --> 00:24:44.525
(Amy sighing heavily)
00:24:49.697 --> 00:24:54.035
(printer sounds)
00:25:03.462 --> 00:25:05.588
(computer dinging)
00:25:05.588 --> 00:25:07.215
- Hey, all right.
- [Consultant] All right.
00:25:08.717 --> 00:25:10.510
Okay.
- Okay, all right.
00:25:11.427 --> 00:25:14.890
I'd like to look at the
calendar and see if we can get
00:25:15.765 --> 00:25:20.603
more frequent consultations
scheduled.
00:25:20.603 --> 00:25:23.440
We're, you know, we're
meeting pretty infrequently
00:25:23.440 --> 00:25:25.900
and I'd like to meet more,
if possible.
00:25:26.693 --> 00:25:28.193
- [Consultant]
That would be great.
00:25:29.153 --> 00:25:30.905
- [David] Okay. Cool.
00:25:31.823 --> 00:25:32.782
- So why don't we
take a moment
00:25:32.782 --> 00:25:33.992
and get ourselves
centered then.
00:25:33.992 --> 00:25:35.577
- [David] Okay, sounds good.
00:25:37.162 --> 00:25:39.915
- Yeah, just take
a couple breaths.
00:25:44.085 --> 00:25:45.253
Feet on the floor.
00:25:46.503 --> 00:25:47.755
And gathering up your energy
00:25:47.755 --> 00:25:49.925
and bringing it
to this context.
00:25:56.055 --> 00:25:57.432
So are you here?
00:25:57.432 --> 00:25:58.517
- [David] I'm here.
00:25:58.517 --> 00:26:00.060
- Great.
- Yeah.
00:26:00.060 --> 00:26:02.020
- Me too.
- Good, good.
00:26:03.187 --> 00:26:04.022
- Okay.
00:26:04.188 --> 00:26:04.940
(David sighing)
00:26:05.190 --> 00:26:08.067
- [David] One of my primary
goals for all of this work
00:26:08.067 --> 00:26:12.405
is to... just really,
sit a little more easily
00:26:12.405 --> 00:26:15.033
in the...
in the role of authority.
00:26:15.908 --> 00:26:16.743
- Okay.
00:26:17.368 --> 00:26:18.578
(David sighing)
00:26:18.578 --> 00:26:19.412
- Yeah.
00:26:20.080 --> 00:26:21.122
You know, I don't know,
00:26:21.122 --> 00:26:22.707
I'm just gonna associate
here for a moment,
00:26:22.707 --> 00:26:26.293
but what comes to mind
is my first supervisor...
00:26:26.293 --> 00:26:28.755
I was telling somebody
the other day...
00:26:29.713 --> 00:26:31.257
who I, you know, I still love
00:26:31.257 --> 00:26:33.427
to this day
and respect greatly.
00:26:34.760 --> 00:26:38.222
Some of the approaches
were really threatening.
00:26:39.265 --> 00:26:43.770
You know, it was like I
saw him walk out angrily.
00:26:44.895 --> 00:26:45.730
- Hmm.
00:26:46.480 --> 00:26:48.358
- I s--
- So that kind of provocative...
00:26:48.358 --> 00:26:48.900
Okay.
00:26:48.900 --> 00:26:50.902
- Yeah, yeah, I saw,
00:26:50.902 --> 00:26:52.945
I don't know if it was him
or one of the other educators,
00:26:52.945 --> 00:26:55.907
but ripping up a verbatim
at some point.
00:26:55.907 --> 00:26:59.202
Just kind of tossing it back
to the student, This is crap.
00:26:59.202 --> 00:27:00.328
- Whoa, whoa.
00:27:00.328 --> 00:27:02.330
- You know,
that kind of thing.
00:27:02.330 --> 00:27:05.000
And then with my
first presentation,
00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:08.753
I was very nervous and guarded
and my supervisor said,
00:27:09.962 --> 00:27:11.255
"You're really
guarded right now.
00:27:11.255 --> 00:27:13.383
I don't know if I should
tear down your guard
00:27:13.383 --> 00:27:14.633
or let you take it down."
00:27:15.718 --> 00:27:16.928
And in that moment I was like,
00:27:16.928 --> 00:27:18.220
Oh, well, I don't want
him to tear it down,
00:27:18.220 --> 00:27:20.307
I'll do it myself. So I said,
"I'll just do it myself."
00:27:20.307 --> 00:27:22.850
And I, you know,
proceeded and tried to,
00:27:22.850 --> 00:27:24.310
you know, be more vulnerable.
00:27:24.768 --> 00:27:26.062
But looking back on that,
I mean that,
00:27:26.062 --> 00:27:29.273
that was, it was
a threatening intervention.
00:27:29.607 --> 00:27:31.442
(David sighing)
00:27:31.818 --> 00:27:34.403
Certain actions
were modeled for me
00:27:34.403 --> 00:27:38.032
and that's sort of
the range of options,
00:27:38.032 --> 00:27:40.452
you know,
yelling and walking out.
00:27:40.452 --> 00:27:41.870
- [Consultant]
Yelling and walking out.
00:27:41.870 --> 00:27:44.997
- And that being, like,
what is the point of that?
00:27:44.997 --> 00:27:47.833
The point is, I think,
00:27:47.833 --> 00:27:51.170
to be one up
rather than one down.
00:27:52.588 --> 00:27:54.548
That's not how I wanna be
in this role.
00:27:56.175 --> 00:27:59.637
Yeah, I had a student
once who said...
00:27:59.637 --> 00:28:01.597
This was pretty cool.
She said,
00:28:01.597 --> 00:28:05.102
she wanted to see me
like the black belt
00:28:05.102 --> 00:28:08.938
and she knew she could throw
punches and it wouldn't hurt.
00:28:10.815 --> 00:28:13.652
I thought it was
a really great image of--
00:28:13.652 --> 00:28:14.985
- [Consultant] Yeah.
00:28:14.985 --> 00:28:19.698
- You know, like a child in
a karate class, you know,
00:28:19.698 --> 00:28:22.577
and the sensei like really,
00:28:22.577 --> 00:28:25.455
you know,
firm and comfortable.
00:28:25.455 --> 00:28:28.458
- Muscles in their belly,
you can kick--
00:28:28.458 --> 00:28:32.337
- Yeah, relaxed and know that
it's aiding the development
00:28:32.337 --> 00:28:35.507
of the student, to do this
sparring and whatnot.
00:28:35.507 --> 00:28:36.800
- Exactly right.
00:28:36.800 --> 00:28:39.427
So really I do hear
the next step, David,
00:28:39.427 --> 00:28:41.178
is to be able to do the work
00:28:41.178 --> 00:28:44.265
to be in your authority, right?
00:28:44.265 --> 00:28:45.975
- [David] Yeah. Yeah.
00:28:45.975 --> 00:28:48.352
- Fully. You can have
your full experience
00:28:48.352 --> 00:28:51.355
and you're not gonna be
destroyed by the student.
00:28:52.190 --> 00:28:53.398
- Right.
00:28:53.398 --> 00:28:54.942
- [Consultant] And you're
not gonna be a bully
00:28:54.942 --> 00:28:56.652
that you have to
destroy her either.
00:28:57.487 --> 00:28:59.155
- Yep, that's it.
00:28:59.155 --> 00:29:02.533
It's really, yeah, staying
away from those extremes,
00:29:02.533 --> 00:29:04.577
trying to be
more measured, in the middle,
00:29:05.662 --> 00:29:08.122
which to me is more courage.
00:29:08.122 --> 00:29:12.835
It's like the courage to
stay with the discomfort,
00:29:12.835 --> 00:29:17.215
the anxiety, and work
through it,
00:29:17.215 --> 00:29:19.342
you know, in a present
kind of way.
00:29:19.342 --> 00:29:20.385
That's what I really want.
00:29:20.385 --> 00:29:22.220
- And you not feel threatened.
00:29:22.220 --> 00:29:24.263
But to be able to hold
that structure for them.
00:29:24.263 --> 00:29:25.598
- [David] Right, right.
00:29:25.598 --> 00:29:26.723
- Yeah.
00:29:41.572 --> 00:29:43.950
(papers shuffling)
00:29:52.042 --> 00:29:54.460
- [Mati] "The eternal
providence has appointed me
00:29:54.460 --> 00:29:57.588
to watch over the life and
health of thy creatures.
00:29:58.548 --> 00:30:01.968
May the love for my art
actuate me at all times.
00:30:03.553 --> 00:30:05.805
May I never see
in the patient anything
00:30:05.805 --> 00:30:08.182
but a fellow creature in pain.
00:30:09.558 --> 00:30:13.312
Grant me the strength,
time, and opportunity
00:30:13.312 --> 00:30:15.815
always to correct
what I have acquired,
00:30:16.732 --> 00:30:18.777
always to extend its domain.
00:30:21.112 --> 00:30:24.323
Oh God, thou has appointed
me to watch over
00:30:24.323 --> 00:30:26.700
the life and death
of thy creatures.
00:30:28.202 --> 00:30:30.622
Here am I
ready for my vocation
00:30:30.622 --> 00:30:32.832
and now I turn
unto my calling."
00:30:37.753 --> 00:30:40.088
- [Jessica] Even though the
person who wrote this prayer
00:30:40.088 --> 00:30:44.760
is a physician,
he's identifying, like,
00:30:44.760 --> 00:30:46.553
I'm called to this work.
00:30:49.432 --> 00:30:53.060
Acknowledging, like,
he can't do this alone.
00:30:54.728 --> 00:30:57.940
For me, I'm the same way.
00:30:59.150 --> 00:31:00.485
And I've had conversations.
00:31:00.485 --> 00:31:02.028
I don't know if you and
I have had it, David,
00:31:02.028 --> 00:31:05.490
but I've had it
with other persons.
00:31:05.490 --> 00:31:08.242
Like, I can't do this
work if I don't pray.
00:31:08.242 --> 00:31:11.662
Like, for me, I think,
00:31:11.662 --> 00:31:13.998
just for me in my practice,
it's impossible.
00:31:15.958 --> 00:31:17.543
How is that for you?
00:31:17.543 --> 00:31:20.297
Like if this is something
that you wanna flesh out.
00:31:20.880 --> 00:31:25.092
- (laughing) I have no idea
where my prayers are going.
00:31:28.053 --> 00:31:31.265
My inheritance and
life experience is like...
00:31:32.058 --> 00:31:33.017
if...
00:31:33.392 --> 00:31:36.228
There's... there’s like
a sense of malnourishment
00:31:36.228 --> 00:31:39.732
or like lacking of, like,
an immanent god.
00:31:42.110 --> 00:31:43.987
Like, I'm, yeah...
00:31:43.987 --> 00:31:47.407
My grandfather had a wife
and three kids
00:31:47.407 --> 00:31:48.950
murdered by the Nazis.
00:31:50.868 --> 00:31:54.830
My grandmother was in
Auschwitz for a year,
00:31:54.830 --> 00:31:56.665
and just like
a starving woman,
00:31:56.665 --> 00:31:59.710
like in the cold,
walking among the dead,
00:32:00.545 --> 00:32:03.380
and survived
the gas chambers twice.
00:32:06.175 --> 00:32:07.677
And yes, the question is,
00:32:07.677 --> 00:32:09.137
where...
where the hell are you?
00:32:09.137 --> 00:32:12.515
And, like, how much of
a beating should we be taking?
00:32:12.515 --> 00:32:17.728
And how obligated am I to you
00:32:17.728 --> 00:32:19.855
if I don't feel you,
I don't see you
00:32:19.855 --> 00:32:22.900
and like, you've...
you weren't protective.
00:32:26.778 --> 00:32:31.283
That trauma is so profound
and so deep
00:32:31.283 --> 00:32:35.120
that it almost like
exists for me on that, like,
00:32:35.120 --> 00:32:37.915
transcendent level of
just, like, I do not get,
00:32:37.915 --> 00:32:40.250
like, what do you
make of this?
00:32:43.462 --> 00:32:47.050
I don't... I don't...
It's heavy.
00:32:53.305 --> 00:32:56.058
But that's like
my child self saying that.
00:32:56.058 --> 00:32:58.393
So there's still like a...
00:32:58.393 --> 00:33:01.313
How can I conceptualize
this differently or like
00:33:01.313 --> 00:33:03.482
what does it mean to
have like a more adult
00:33:04.942 --> 00:33:06.860
relationship with the divine?
00:33:08.780 --> 00:33:11.240
I'm like grasping
for like a different,
00:33:11.240 --> 00:33:13.033
a different kind of knowing.
00:33:17.455 --> 00:33:19.332
- [Jessica] Thank you
for sharing that.
00:33:33.595 --> 00:33:35.682
- When you make
space like this,
00:33:35.682 --> 00:33:40.227
it doesn't surprise me when
significant things emerge.
00:33:42.188 --> 00:33:44.857
So who knew with this oath
and prayer of Maimonides
00:33:44.857 --> 00:33:49.195
that we would wind our way
through your family history
00:33:49.195 --> 00:33:52.573
and where you wanna be
and who you wanna be
00:33:52.573 --> 00:33:53.950
in the midst of all of that.
00:33:55.910 --> 00:33:56.868
I didn't say much because
00:33:56.868 --> 00:33:58.453
mostly 'cause
I'm really fatigued.
00:33:58.453 --> 00:34:01.082
I was up
'till two this morning.
00:34:01.082 --> 00:34:02.833
It just it hit me
in this hour.
00:34:10.883 --> 00:34:15.888
I have been thinking, I wonder
what would it be like to,
00:34:15.888 --> 00:34:18.892
I don't know, go to the park,
end early?
00:34:18.892 --> 00:34:20.435
(chaplains laughing)
00:34:20.435 --> 00:34:23.145
- [Mati] I feel like
we're all exhausted.
00:34:23.145 --> 00:34:25.105
- I do have that impulse
as well.
00:34:25.105 --> 00:34:26.690
(David gently laughing)
00:34:26.690 --> 00:34:29.318
You're welcome to go
do whatever you'd like.
00:34:29.318 --> 00:34:30.570
Go home.
00:34:30.570 --> 00:34:32.905
I'm gonna go get a snack
and take a nap or something.
00:34:32.905 --> 00:34:33.907
I'm exhausted.
00:34:39.120 --> 00:34:42.038
(soothing music)
00:34:48.295 --> 00:34:50.297
- [Mati] You could look
at religion as,
00:34:50.297 --> 00:34:52.007
like, a psychological crutch
00:34:52.007 --> 00:34:55.260
because it's way easier
than confronting reality.
00:34:58.430 --> 00:34:59.432
But then at the same time,
00:34:59.432 --> 00:35:03.643
I can't throw all of this out
because there's too much here
00:35:03.643 --> 00:35:05.688
that is nourishing.
00:35:13.237 --> 00:35:17.617
[Mati] Iced tea,
KIND bars, essential oil.
00:35:18.533 --> 00:35:20.327
- Okay, essential oil.
00:35:20.327 --> 00:35:22.163
- [Nurse] Essential oil?
- Yeah.
00:35:22.163 --> 00:35:25.207
Whatever, tea, I don't
know, what's that one?
00:35:25.207 --> 00:35:26.042
- That's an iced tea.
00:35:26.042 --> 00:35:28.878
- Okay.
- So let's start with that.
00:35:28.878 --> 00:35:30.630
I don't think
I've met you yet.
00:35:30.630 --> 00:35:32.215
- No, Jermaine.
- Margaret.
00:35:32.215 --> 00:35:33.883
- Nice to meet you,
Miss Margaret.
00:35:33.883 --> 00:35:35.635
- Nice to meet you.
(ice cubes clunking into cup)
00:35:35.635 --> 00:35:38.137
I'm running low on ice, but
you have ice on this unit
00:35:38.137 --> 00:35:40.138
so you could get more
if you want, yeah?
00:35:41.973 --> 00:35:43.893
Okay.
(iced tea sloshing)
00:35:43.893 --> 00:35:44.810
Do you take sugar?
00:35:46.687 --> 00:35:50.190
- I'll try it plain, I'll try
to do it bland. Let's see.
00:35:50.190 --> 00:35:53.152
- Okay, you know. You know.
00:35:53.152 --> 00:35:55.195
Okay, so essential oil.
00:35:55.195 --> 00:35:55.988
How you feeling?
00:35:55.988 --> 00:35:56.905
What do you need?
00:35:56.905 --> 00:35:58.698
- Oh man. I feel sluggish--
00:35:58.698 --> 00:36:01.493
- You need, sluggish, so
do you want some citrus?
00:36:02.745 --> 00:36:03.578
Okay.
00:36:05.707 --> 00:36:06.540
- Ooh.
00:36:07.625 --> 00:36:09.002
This is just what I need, yes.
00:36:09.002 --> 00:36:10.712
- [Mati] Yeah?
- Yes.
00:36:10.712 --> 00:36:12.922
Yeah, to help to
clear out my airway.
00:36:12.922 --> 00:36:14.673
- Good.
- Like, be able to breathe.
00:36:14.673 --> 00:36:18.260
- Breathe. It's important.
- That smells good.
00:36:18.260 --> 00:36:20.303
- [Mati] Yeah, that one
gives you a kick.
00:36:20.303 --> 00:36:21.138
- Like it.
00:36:22.223 --> 00:36:24.475
- [Mati] And then you
can put it over here.
00:36:24.475 --> 00:36:26.643
Yeah, you want iced tea?
00:36:26.643 --> 00:36:27.728
- Yes, please.
00:36:27.728 --> 00:36:28.938
- [Mati] You could
keep sniffing.
00:36:28.938 --> 00:36:30.940
- Yeah. This is actually good.
- (ice cubes clunking)
00:36:30.940 --> 00:36:32.775
This is like literally
what I need right now.
00:36:32.775 --> 00:36:34.152
- [Mati] How much time
do you guys take
00:36:34.152 --> 00:36:36.695
to check in with your
own body when you're here?
00:36:36.695 --> 00:36:38.738
- Oh man, never.
00:36:38.738 --> 00:36:40.825
- Okay, there we go.
- Okay.
00:36:42.577 --> 00:36:44.662
- There we go.
- Right.
00:36:44.662 --> 00:36:45.913
- You want sugar?
- Yes.
00:36:47.080 --> 00:36:48.457
- Okay.
00:36:50.627 --> 00:36:51.460
Last one.
00:36:53.253 --> 00:36:55.965
Okay. There we go.
- All right.
00:37:14.942 --> 00:37:17.612
(phone ringing)
00:37:31.292 --> 00:37:32.125
- [Elana] Hello.
00:37:32.125 --> 00:37:33.835
- Hi, Elana?
00:37:33.835 --> 00:37:35.170
- [Elana] Hi.
00:37:35.170 --> 00:37:39.258
- Hi, it's Chaplain Margaret
calling. Is now a good time?
00:37:39.258 --> 00:37:42.260
- [Elana] Yeah, I remember.
I have your number saved.
00:37:42.260 --> 00:37:47.265
- Yeah. I am so sorry
for your loss.
00:37:48.558 --> 00:37:53.147
I am so sorry.
00:37:53.147 --> 00:37:54.273
- [Elana] Thank you.
00:37:55.315 --> 00:37:58.068
(Elana coughing)
00:37:59.153 --> 00:38:03.323
I know he passed away like
30 minutes after I left.
00:38:03.323 --> 00:38:04.158
- Yeah.
00:38:11.540 --> 00:38:16.545
And he also seemed very,
very calm and not in pain.
00:38:18.463 --> 00:38:19.382
- [Elana] Yeah.
00:38:20.507 --> 00:38:23.302
- Not that that lifts
anything, but...
00:38:25.387 --> 00:38:27.515
- [Elana] Yeah, at least
he wasn't hurting though.
00:38:27.515 --> 00:38:29.225
- Yeah.
00:38:29.225 --> 00:38:30.267
Yeah.
00:38:31.518 --> 00:38:33.978
Oy, I am so sorry.
00:38:33.978 --> 00:38:36.232
- [Elana] Thank you,
I appreciate you calling.
00:38:36.232 --> 00:38:38.608
- Of course, and how
is Alla doing?
00:38:39.860 --> 00:38:41.528
- [Elana] I was just
on the phone with her
00:38:41.528 --> 00:38:42.278
when you called.
00:38:42.278 --> 00:38:44.323
She is devastated.
00:38:44.323 --> 00:38:45.783
(Elana sniffing)
00:38:47.075 --> 00:38:48.285
(Elana coughing)
00:38:48.993 --> 00:38:50.662
Yesterday was the funeral
00:38:50.662 --> 00:38:51.913
(Elana sniffing)
00:38:53.207 --> 00:38:54.625
and, ah...
00:38:56.793 --> 00:38:59.797
she's like, just really,
really worried about me
00:39:01.507 --> 00:39:04.218
'cause like I got really,
really, really, really,
00:39:04.218 --> 00:39:06.595
excuse my language,
fucked up yesterday
00:39:06.845 --> 00:39:07.722
(Elana sniffing)
00:39:08.888 --> 00:39:12.142
and she's just scared that
I'm gonna like spiral.
00:39:14.853 --> 00:39:18.148
- Do you share
the same concerns as her?
00:39:20.275 --> 00:39:22.903
- [Elana] I don't really
care about myself right now.
00:39:23.903 --> 00:39:25.363
- What do you care about?
00:39:27.575 --> 00:39:29.202
(Elana sighing)
00:39:29.202 --> 00:39:30.995
- [Elana] I don't know.
00:39:30.995 --> 00:39:31.828
- Mmm...
00:39:32.788 --> 00:39:33.580
Okay.
00:39:34.582 --> 00:39:35.750
(Elana sniffing)
00:39:37.585 --> 00:39:41.422
Is this your first
experience with a major loss?
00:39:41.422 --> 00:39:42.632
- Yes.
- Okay.
00:39:44.425 --> 00:39:46.218
(Elana sighing deeply)
00:39:46.218 --> 00:39:47.428
(Elana sniffing)
00:39:47.928 --> 00:39:52.933
So... I just wanna
give you permission
00:39:53.475 --> 00:39:58.605
for being in the unknown
and having no expectations
00:39:58.605 --> 00:40:00.357
for how you should feel
00:40:00.357 --> 00:40:03.193
or what you should be
going through, or
00:40:04.528 --> 00:40:08.032
whatever is,
is okay and enough.
00:40:09.992 --> 00:40:11.327
(Elana sniffing)
00:40:11.327 --> 00:40:12.912
- [Elana] Thank you.
00:40:12.912 --> 00:40:13.745
- Okay?
00:40:14.538 --> 00:40:16.748
(Elana coughing and sniffing)
00:40:18.625 --> 00:40:22.505
- [Elana] What do you believe,
like, happens after death?
00:40:22.505 --> 00:40:25.298
I'm not too familiar with,
like...
00:40:26.633 --> 00:40:28.385
Uh, Judaism.
00:40:30.595 --> 00:40:32.097
- Yeah. Um...
00:40:36.518 --> 00:40:40.688
Well, I could speak
from my own perspective
00:40:40.688 --> 00:40:42.692
and then I could
speak somewhat
00:40:44.025 --> 00:40:46.487
from like a Jewish
theological perspective,
00:40:46.487 --> 00:40:49.698
but I'm gonna differentiate
those two, okay?
00:40:49.698 --> 00:40:53.577
- [Elana] Okay, I'd like to
hear yours first. Definitely.
00:40:59.500 --> 00:41:02.795
- I don't always choose to
share private information
00:41:02.795 --> 00:41:07.717
or personal information
with my patients or family,
00:41:07.717 --> 00:41:10.510
but in this moment it feels,
um...
00:41:11.887 --> 00:41:13.847
it feels appropriate.
00:41:13.847 --> 00:41:14.890
- [Elana] Thank you.
00:41:14.890 --> 00:41:18.852
- I lost my father
pretty suddenly
00:41:18.852 --> 00:41:21.438
and I would also say
tragically.
00:41:21.438 --> 00:41:24.107
- I'm so sorry.
- In 2016.
00:41:24.107 --> 00:41:29.112
So I have my own
experience and relationship
00:41:29.153 --> 00:41:31.740
with profound grief
00:41:32.575 --> 00:41:35.577
when it's unexpected
and quite complex.
00:41:37.037 --> 00:41:38.163
- [Elana] Yeah.
00:41:38.163 --> 00:41:43.168
- I will say that it has
turned my life upside down
00:41:43.502 --> 00:41:47.005
in ways that, while I
was going through it,
00:41:47.005 --> 00:41:51.593
it felt like hell,
but now that I am somewhat
00:41:51.593 --> 00:41:56.432
on the other side of it,
I realize was a gift.
00:41:56.432 --> 00:41:57.390
Um...
00:41:58.892 --> 00:42:02.353
I... I have come to
00:42:02.353 --> 00:42:07.275
kind of like a place
of comfort in feeling,
00:42:07.275 --> 00:42:09.945
and this is
more of an intuition
00:42:09.945 --> 00:42:12.113
or I guess a personal belief.
00:42:12.113 --> 00:42:14.032
I can't
back it up with any data,
00:42:14.032 --> 00:42:16.410
but it's a personal
belief and perspective,
00:42:17.327 --> 00:42:19.955
um, given my line of work,
00:42:19.955 --> 00:42:24.793
that when a soul is
finished with its work
00:42:25.877 --> 00:42:26.753
and its...
00:42:29.130 --> 00:42:32.843
its reason for being
alive in its body,
00:42:32.843 --> 00:42:34.970
in its current body,
is complete,
00:42:37.013 --> 00:42:38.432
death is okay.
00:42:39.433 --> 00:42:40.517
(Elana sniffing)
00:42:45.563 --> 00:42:47.065
- [Elana] What you
said earlier
00:42:47.065 --> 00:42:49.652
about the reincarnation,
00:42:49.652 --> 00:42:52.863
like if the soul's work
isn't done,
00:42:52.863 --> 00:42:55.907
then they come back
in another body or form.
00:42:55.907 --> 00:42:57.575
Ben was so scared of that.
00:42:58.535 --> 00:42:59.495
- [Mati] Hm.
00:43:00.328 --> 00:43:03.040
- [Elana] Like he just,
he told me that um...
00:43:04.750 --> 00:43:09.253
he was scared that like
he would just keep coming back
00:43:11.923 --> 00:43:15.468
and living the same life.
00:43:18.513 --> 00:43:20.098
- Yeah, I mean,
00:43:22.433 --> 00:43:23.643
death is scary,
00:43:24.728 --> 00:43:29.107
because it's unknown
territory, right?
00:43:29.107 --> 00:43:30.192
- [Elana] Yeah.
00:43:30.192 --> 00:43:32.568
- If anybody tells you they
know an answer of where we go
00:43:32.568 --> 00:43:36.198
or what happens, I would
say don't believe them.
00:43:37.615 --> 00:43:38.492
We don't know.
00:43:38.492 --> 00:43:40.368
- [Elana] No one knows.
00:43:40.368 --> 00:43:44.498
- We have ideas, intuitions,
maybe like traditions,
00:43:46.583 --> 00:43:50.878
but what I can say is
that when I was with him
00:43:50.878 --> 00:43:54.298
before he went to the ICU,
00:43:55.425 --> 00:43:59.430
he was at peace, he was calm
00:44:01.473 --> 00:44:03.808
and he was well-supported.
00:44:06.312 --> 00:44:07.353
And um...
00:44:09.565 --> 00:44:10.398
I guess...
00:44:12.067 --> 00:44:13.610
just let the tears come.
00:44:13.610 --> 00:44:15.362
It's love. Right?
00:44:16.280 --> 00:44:17.113
- [Elana] Yeah.
00:44:17.113 --> 00:44:21.118
- It's love and things
will change and shift
00:44:22.452 --> 00:44:26.498
and just allow, allow, allow
whatever comes.
00:44:30.293 --> 00:44:32.253
There's no right way
to grieve.
00:44:32.253 --> 00:44:35.923
There's no specific way
to grieve.
00:44:37.008 --> 00:44:38.718
It will come, it will go,
00:44:41.347 --> 00:44:43.973
and there are ways to honor
him while you're here.
00:44:47.102 --> 00:44:48.353
- [Elana] Yeah.
00:44:52.315 --> 00:44:54.985
(quiet beeping)
00:45:10.875 --> 00:45:14.212
(quiet traffic humming)
00:45:27.183 --> 00:45:29.853
(birds chirping)
00:45:29.853 --> 00:45:32.605
(runners footsteps on path)
00:45:45.452 --> 00:45:48.163
- Good morning.
00:45:48.163 --> 00:45:52.835
(staff chatting in background)
00:46:19.487 --> 00:46:23.657
(chaplain residents
laughing and chatting)
00:46:31.122 --> 00:46:32.082
- Okay.
00:46:32.082 --> 00:46:34.167
(clearing throat)
00:46:35.085 --> 00:46:36.545
- [Mati] Um,
I'm just gonna lift
00:46:36.545 --> 00:46:38.755
that I still have a headache
00:46:38.755 --> 00:46:41.967
and I'm gonna go slow,
and as usual,
00:46:41.967 --> 00:46:43.593
there's always
a lot of content.
00:46:44.720 --> 00:46:47.388
So I'm gonna pace myself,
okay?
00:46:47.388 --> 00:46:49.975
"So I knew
that the primary medical team
00:46:49.975 --> 00:46:52.102
had been experiencing
great difficulty
00:46:52.102 --> 00:46:55.647
with the patient's family
and their communication style.
00:46:57.732 --> 00:47:00.485
This was evident to all
given that the patient's wife
00:47:00.485 --> 00:47:04.197
was often hysterically crying
very loudly on the unit,
00:47:04.197 --> 00:47:06.492
both at bedside
and in the hallways.
00:47:07.492 --> 00:47:09.953
She would move around
her husband's bed,
00:47:09.953 --> 00:47:13.623
placing aloe vera leaves
all over his skin."
00:47:13.623 --> 00:47:14.667
I wrote patshing.
00:47:14.667 --> 00:47:18.087
It's kind of like a Yiddish
way of saying hitting,
00:47:18.087 --> 00:47:20.588
but that's what it felt...
that's what it seemed like.
00:47:20.588 --> 00:47:25.593
She like hitting her husband
like that to make him wake up,
00:47:26.845 --> 00:47:29.097
which was kind of disturbing.
00:47:32.475 --> 00:47:34.645
So transference,
countertransference.
00:47:34.645 --> 00:47:37.063
"The patient's wife
reminded me of myself.
00:47:38.148 --> 00:47:43.112
It reminded me of my
three-year-long acute grief
00:47:43.112 --> 00:47:45.322
after my father's death
and my inability
00:47:45.322 --> 00:47:47.115
to live without my heart
feeling like
00:47:47.115 --> 00:47:48.950
it was falling
out of my chest.
00:47:50.327 --> 00:47:51.828
I would often come home
from classes
00:47:51.828 --> 00:47:53.455
and all I could do
was get in the bath,
00:47:53.455 --> 00:47:55.665
the closest feeling
to being held in warm
00:47:55.665 --> 00:47:58.960
and compassionate hands
when far from home
00:47:58.960 --> 00:48:00.628
and community of origin.
00:48:01.880 --> 00:48:04.548
The wife's hysteria
reminded me of my mother
00:48:04.548 --> 00:48:07.260
when she first left the
ultra-Orthodox community
00:48:07.260 --> 00:48:09.303
and did not have access
to certain cultural
00:48:09.303 --> 00:48:12.557
and educational resources
and literacies,
00:48:12.557 --> 00:48:14.433
and often found herself
struggling to protect
00:48:14.433 --> 00:48:16.520
her voice against
institutional systems
00:48:16.520 --> 00:48:18.522
that were
more powerful than her.
00:48:18.522 --> 00:48:20.690
She would use her
hysteria to move mountains
00:48:20.690 --> 00:48:22.317
when all else failed.
00:48:22.317 --> 00:48:25.195
Lack of desire to live
any longer due to acute
00:48:25.195 --> 00:48:26.863
spiritual and
emotional distress."
00:48:26.863 --> 00:48:27.990
That's my dad.
00:48:28.615 --> 00:48:31.577
That's something that was
triggered here as well.
00:48:32.868 --> 00:48:35.538
So the whole thing
felt very frightening.
00:48:38.333 --> 00:48:39.710
Very disturbing.
00:48:42.295 --> 00:48:46.467
- Complicated. So what do
you need from this verbatim?
00:48:49.010 --> 00:48:52.222
- This is one of these cases
where I wanna be able to like
00:48:52.222 --> 00:48:55.017
make like a protection
around myself.
00:48:55.017 --> 00:48:57.768
Like these are cases
that like I hand off
00:48:57.768 --> 00:49:02.482
because it's too close to
home, it's too triggering,
00:49:03.317 --> 00:49:06.445
and this person is
weighing on me because like
00:49:06.445 --> 00:49:09.280
I actually believe her
when she says,
00:49:09.280 --> 00:49:11.367
I will go and kill myself.
00:49:11.367 --> 00:49:16.330
And I cannot just like put
up a boundary and be like,
00:49:16.622 --> 00:49:20.708
Well, my working hours
are from Monday to Friday
00:49:20.708 --> 00:49:23.962
and I'm on PTO on this day,
and so therefore, like, no.
00:49:23.962 --> 00:49:25.755
This is one of those--
- [David] Why not?
00:49:25.755 --> 00:49:27.715
- Life and death, no.
00:49:27.715 --> 00:49:30.593
It's against my personal
moral code of ethics.
00:49:30.593 --> 00:49:32.803
If somebody's in a life
and death situation
00:49:32.803 --> 00:49:35.265
where they might take their
life, I will answer the phone.
00:49:36.517 --> 00:49:37.767
- [David] So how do you--
00:49:37.767 --> 00:49:40.853
You chose to answer the phone,
but you can't know
00:49:42.147 --> 00:49:44.315
what's gonna
be conveyed to you
00:49:44.315 --> 00:49:45.442
when you answer the phone.
00:49:45.442 --> 00:49:46.275
- No.
00:49:46.275 --> 00:49:48.612
- So why did you answer
your phone on your day off?
00:49:48.612 --> 00:49:50.530
- Because I won't know what's
gonna be conveyed to me
00:49:50.530 --> 00:49:55.535
if I answer the phone and that
person might hurt themselves.
00:49:56.243 --> 00:49:57.828
- You're very
insistent right now
00:49:57.828 --> 00:49:59.998
on not setting
certain boundaries
00:50:01.248 --> 00:50:02.708
and I think that merits
00:50:02.708 --> 00:50:04.585
serious consideration
on your part
00:50:04.585 --> 00:50:08.132
because it's connected to
the other serious concern
00:50:08.132 --> 00:50:10.883
that you've been raising,
which is your depletion.
00:50:12.843 --> 00:50:14.428
And I don't think
you can have both.
00:50:15.555 --> 00:50:17.640
- It felt like
there was nobody.
00:50:17.640 --> 00:50:19.517
The social worker was like,
00:50:19.517 --> 00:50:21.687
Discharge, discharge,
discharge, I don't care.
00:50:21.687 --> 00:50:23.105
Like, the wife is not suicidal.
00:50:23.105 --> 00:50:24.480
It doesn't matter
that she had a plan.
00:50:24.480 --> 00:50:27.108
It doesn't matter that
she said all those things.
00:50:27.108 --> 00:50:29.068
We're not even
gonna chart it as that.
00:50:31.655 --> 00:50:34.365
- But that doesn't address
the boundary-setting issue.
00:50:39.495 --> 00:50:41.163
- It does for me, it does.
00:50:42.123 --> 00:50:45.543
Because it would
harm me to know
00:50:45.543 --> 00:50:48.588
that somebody took
their life because nobody else
00:50:48.588 --> 00:50:50.298
was available
to pick up the phone
00:50:50.298 --> 00:50:52.133
and I was technically on PTO.
00:50:53.510 --> 00:50:56.220
- Right, but that assumes
that you're the only person,
00:50:58.223 --> 00:50:59.057
and you're not.
00:51:05.480 --> 00:51:08.525
So I'm looking for structural
ways for you to set boundaries
00:51:08.525 --> 00:51:12.653
so that you can preserve
yourself and not hit the point
00:51:12.653 --> 00:51:17.283
of fatigue and depletion
that you've been expressing
00:51:17.283 --> 00:51:18.868
over the last several weeks.
00:51:22.538 --> 00:51:23.790
So that's
where I'm coming from.
00:51:23.790 --> 00:51:26.877
I also wanna challenge
what might be some sort
00:51:26.877 --> 00:51:29.170
of unconscious
mental model of yours
00:51:29.170 --> 00:51:32.882
that sort of presents itself as,
00:51:32.882 --> 00:51:36.260
I'm the only one
who can fix this problem.
00:51:36.260 --> 00:51:38.305
And I don't think
that's the case.
00:51:38.305 --> 00:51:40.598
So that's a part that I
want you to reflect on
00:51:43.852 --> 00:51:44.853
and we can take it up more
00:51:44.853 --> 00:51:48.273
in individual supervision
on Thursday.
00:51:55.363 --> 00:51:59.575
(paint rollers
lightly squelching)
00:52:00.743 --> 00:52:05.665
(paper rustling)
00:52:47.082 --> 00:52:48.625
- Can I ask you a question?
00:52:48.625 --> 00:52:49.667
- [David] Mm-hmm.
00:52:49.667 --> 00:52:54.005
- I'm curious if you, from
your perspective, feel like
00:52:57.300 --> 00:53:02.013
this residency has been
successful both for me
00:53:02.013 --> 00:53:04.057
and for my placement
in the cohort.
00:53:06.308 --> 00:53:08.353
- Successful, hm.
00:53:11.480 --> 00:53:12.815
Well, that's
an interesting question.
00:53:12.815 --> 00:53:17.237
I was kind of... it's a
surprising question to me.
00:53:19.238 --> 00:53:22.825
I don't know if I would
evaluate it in those terms,
00:53:22.825 --> 00:53:25.370
success or not successful.
00:53:28.790 --> 00:53:32.627
I'm wondering if we have
mutually agreed upon goals.
00:53:32.627 --> 00:53:34.045
- Yeah, me too.
- For you, okay.
00:53:34.045 --> 00:53:35.713
- Yeah, I am
wondering about that too.
00:53:35.713 --> 00:53:38.383
- Yeah, and I can tell you
what my goal is
00:53:38.383 --> 00:53:41.385
and then we can see
if it's similar to your goal.
00:53:42.637 --> 00:53:44.305
The fact that the issues
have surfaced,
00:53:44.305 --> 00:53:46.557
I think are a mark of success.
00:53:47.642 --> 00:53:49.518
Now we have
a couple of months.
00:53:49.518 --> 00:53:51.187
What can we do?
00:53:51.187 --> 00:53:52.730
What I want you to do,
00:53:52.730 --> 00:53:55.775
what I wanna do with you
is I want you to explore
00:53:57.110 --> 00:54:00.113
rather than explain, because
I know you can explain,
00:54:00.113 --> 00:54:01.657
I know you have hypotheses,
00:54:01.657 --> 00:54:04.200
I know you have a mental
model and I think sometimes
00:54:04.200 --> 00:54:05.702
those get in your way
00:54:05.702 --> 00:54:07.995
of exploring
the experience right now
00:54:09.038 --> 00:54:10.415
and learning something new.
00:54:14.210 --> 00:54:17.588
- Okay, I can join you
in the assessment
00:54:17.588 --> 00:54:21.217
that I'm quite good at
explaining and need more
00:54:22.135 --> 00:54:25.555
experience and spaciousness
for exploring.
00:54:27.348 --> 00:54:30.477
That pivot
feels very accurate.
00:54:31.687 --> 00:54:36.692
Keeping my thoughts and
my statements open-ended,
00:54:37.067 --> 00:54:38.985
question mark at the end.
00:54:38.985 --> 00:54:42.655
I need more information. Yes.
00:54:42.655 --> 00:54:45.950
- Okay, curiosity, good.
00:54:45.950 --> 00:54:47.827
- It's a join
and a difference here.
00:54:48.662 --> 00:54:52.498
You know, Tuesday was a
really meaningful day for me
00:54:52.498 --> 00:54:56.460
in many ways and very
frustrating because I did feel
00:54:56.460 --> 00:55:01.173
your care for me or space
for, like, maybe holding
00:55:01.173 --> 00:55:04.093
my intensity, like,
was waning.
00:55:06.262 --> 00:55:09.182
It did feel like
there was a fissure
00:55:09.182 --> 00:55:12.018
or like a breaking of trust.
00:55:12.643 --> 00:55:16.982
- Mm-hmm.
So my communication...
00:55:19.942 --> 00:55:24.738
sounds like really
closed your boundaries
00:55:24.738 --> 00:55:27.325
and caused you
to start questioning.
00:55:29.368 --> 00:55:33.832
I'm not sure exactly what
our relationship, my...
00:55:33.832 --> 00:55:35.625
- I would say your empathy.
- Hearing.
00:55:35.625 --> 00:55:36.458
- Okay.
00:55:36.458 --> 00:55:40.003
- It felt like the rules went
up, the empathy went down.
00:55:40.838 --> 00:55:42.882
That's what I experienced.
00:55:42.882 --> 00:55:44.008
- Mm-hmm.
00:55:45.135 --> 00:55:46.762
- And sometimes that happens
00:55:46.762 --> 00:55:48.472
when there's
stress in the system.
00:55:48.972 --> 00:55:51.432
- Yeah, for sure.
(David chuckling)
00:55:51.432 --> 00:55:52.517
That is true.
00:55:52.517 --> 00:55:55.770
- Yeah, but receiving
that was very difficult
00:55:55.770 --> 00:55:59.940
because it felt like I
didn't feel cared about
00:55:59.940 --> 00:56:02.735
and I didn't feel invested in,
00:56:02.735 --> 00:56:07.365
and I feel like I'm
being blamed or shamed
00:56:07.365 --> 00:56:10.785
for ringing the bell
when I say,
00:56:10.785 --> 00:56:12.745
this feels too much
for my body.
00:56:14.580 --> 00:56:18.208
Or the ride is going too fast,
00:56:18.208 --> 00:56:20.712
it needs to
slow down a little bit.
00:56:20.712 --> 00:56:23.338
Or something's not right.
00:56:23.338 --> 00:56:25.800
And it could be that
there's learning goals here
00:56:25.800 --> 00:56:28.762
that relate to like, you
know, the core issue.
00:56:28.762 --> 00:56:31.973
It could very well be,
and I'm receptive to that.
00:56:31.973 --> 00:56:36.978
But it felt like the care,
the empathy, and the curiosity
00:56:38.270 --> 00:56:40.482
was replaced with rules
00:56:42.108 --> 00:56:44.402
and, Sit down
and eat your broccoli.
00:56:45.820 --> 00:56:47.863
And make sure
that you clean it up
00:56:47.863 --> 00:56:50.283
and put it in the dishwasher
and chart it.
00:56:51.117 --> 00:56:54.162
(laughing)
00:56:55.830 --> 00:56:57.082
- Mm-hmm.
00:56:57.082 --> 00:56:58.248
- You know what I mean?
00:56:58.248 --> 00:57:00.293
- I do, I do, I do know
what you mean.
00:57:01.335 --> 00:57:02.753
I'm not laughing at you.
00:57:02.753 --> 00:57:05.423
I'm laughing in recognition
of what you're describing.
00:57:06.757 --> 00:57:07.758
It really resonates.
00:57:10.762 --> 00:57:12.763
(David sighing
and sharply exhaling)
00:57:12.763 --> 00:57:16.267
Yes. So you're reminding me
(David laughing)
00:57:16.267 --> 00:57:18.227
of my stepdaughter's feedback
00:57:18.853 --> 00:57:22.190
and, ah, that's just
an acknowledgement.
00:57:22.190 --> 00:57:26.485
Sometimes I do get rigid and
it comes across as uncaring,
00:57:27.903 --> 00:57:30.532
different from the
relationship that we've built,
00:57:30.532 --> 00:57:35.328
so I'm saying that to
validate what you're saying.
00:57:37.247 --> 00:57:39.665
I hear you and it
resonates with me and...
00:57:42.460 --> 00:57:43.293
I got tense
00:57:44.545 --> 00:57:48.382
and I'm sorry that it
had that impact on you.
00:58:19.497 --> 00:58:22.417
(elevator dinging)
00:58:28.297 --> 00:58:29.840
- [Elevator Voice] First floor.
00:58:31.092 --> 00:58:34.803
- Are there specific words
that you say during a baptism?
00:58:34.803 --> 00:58:35.722
- [Chaplain] Yeah.
00:58:35.722 --> 00:58:37.640
- Do you know them by heart?
00:58:37.640 --> 00:58:40.227
Do we have like
a card or something?
00:58:40.227 --> 00:58:41.518
- [Chaplain] We have a book.
00:58:41.518 --> 00:58:43.855
- We have a book?
- Yeah.
00:58:43.855 --> 00:58:45.273
- Okay, it's an emergency
00:58:45.273 --> 00:58:48.652
so I'm gonna grab the holy
water while that gets located.
00:58:49.735 --> 00:58:50.570
Is it there?
00:58:52.030 --> 00:58:54.240
- [Chaplain] Well, yeah, but
I mean it's 15 pages long.
00:58:54.240 --> 00:58:55.658
- [Mati] Well, I'm just
gonna take a bit of it
00:58:55.658 --> 00:58:57.202
and I'll improvise.
00:58:57.202 --> 00:58:58.578
- [Chaplain] Yeah, I
mean you'll figure out
00:58:58.578 --> 00:59:00.288
what to skip
and what to include.
00:59:00.288 --> 00:59:01.788
I do the same thing.
00:59:02.623 --> 00:59:04.167
- Okay.
00:59:04.167 --> 00:59:05.668
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
00:59:06.627 --> 00:59:07.878
- 127.
- Oh my,
00:59:07.878 --> 00:59:11.257
I was just about to
like, my heart dropped.
00:59:11.257 --> 00:59:13.550
If you can't tell,
I'm nervous.
00:59:13.550 --> 00:59:15.303
(chaplain laughing)
00:59:15.303 --> 00:59:16.345
Can you tell?
00:59:16.345 --> 00:59:18.263
(chaplain coughing)
00:59:18.263 --> 00:59:19.432
- [Chaplain] I get
really nervous
00:59:19.432 --> 00:59:22.060
every time I do a baptism.
00:59:22.060 --> 00:59:23.477
- Very nerve-racking.
00:59:27.023 --> 00:59:27.857
Okay.
00:59:29.525 --> 00:59:30.777
Let's go.
00:59:32.820 --> 00:59:34.697
Adding this to the fanny pack.
00:59:36.198 --> 00:59:37.617
And this.
00:59:42.372 --> 00:59:44.540
See ya in a bit, thank you,
thank you.
00:59:44.540 --> 00:59:46.750
- Oh, okay, good luck.
- Thanks.
00:59:50.170 --> 00:59:52.298
(hospital staff chatting)
00:59:52.298 --> 00:59:54.092
- [Nurse] Okay, the chaplain
is here at the front desk.
00:59:55.718 --> 00:59:56.802
- [Mati] Where
should I meet her?
00:59:56.802 --> 00:59:58.178
- [Nurse] Where
should she meet you?
01:00:01.682 --> 01:00:05.312
- It was, uh, twins
and one passed away.
01:00:05.312 --> 01:00:08.230
- Okay, so one made it
and one's passed.
01:00:08.230 --> 01:00:10.190
Do we have baby names?
01:00:10.190 --> 01:00:13.987
- Yeah, one is Isabella
and one is Aurora, I believe.
01:00:13.987 --> 01:00:17.115
- The one that's with us now
that passed, what's her name?
01:00:17.115 --> 01:00:19.700
- So the one that passed
Aurora, I believe.
01:00:19.700 --> 01:00:20.785
- Can we confirm that?
01:00:20.785 --> 01:00:22.120
- Yeah, I can confirm.
01:00:22.120 --> 01:00:24.497
- And mom's name is Layla Sue?
- Yeah.
01:00:24.497 --> 01:00:26.082
I think it's Leila.
- Leila?
01:00:26.082 --> 01:00:27.583
- That’s the way
she pronounces it.
01:00:27.583 --> 01:00:29.585
- That's very helpful,
thank you.
01:00:41.513 --> 01:00:43.348
Mom, do you wanna hold Aurora?
01:00:44.267 --> 01:00:45.100
Is it okay?
01:00:47.520 --> 01:00:48.353
Okay.
01:00:52.317 --> 01:00:53.150
Okay.
01:01:03.327 --> 01:01:08.123
Okay, so
I'm gonna baptize her.
01:01:08.123 --> 01:01:09.417
Okay?
01:01:16.007 --> 01:01:18.885
Let's just take a couple deep
breaths together and center.
01:01:48.915 --> 01:01:50.583
Beautiful, okay.
01:01:50.583 --> 01:01:52.502
- (mom crying)
- Okay, we got this.
01:01:52.502 --> 01:01:53.543
We got this.
01:01:53.543 --> 01:01:54.628
It's okay if I begin?
01:01:54.628 --> 01:01:55.838
- Of course.
- Okay.
01:01:57.715 --> 01:01:59.592
"The sacrament of baptism
01:01:59.592 --> 01:02:01.760
is an outward
and visible sign
01:02:01.760 --> 01:02:03.595
of the grace of God
01:02:03.595 --> 01:02:06.473
and as much as
the promise of the Gospel
01:02:06.473 --> 01:02:09.685
is not only to us,
but to our children.
01:02:09.685 --> 01:02:11.228
Baptism with water
01:02:11.228 --> 01:02:13.438
and the Holy Spirit
is the mark.
01:02:14.398 --> 01:02:17.818
Baptism is a sacrament
through which we are united
01:02:17.818 --> 01:02:20.362
to Jesus Christ and given part
01:02:20.362 --> 01:02:22.990
in Christ's ministry
of reconciliation.
01:02:23.908 --> 01:02:27.662
Baptism is a visible sign
of an invisible event
01:02:28.495 --> 01:02:31.082
as though thou art alive."
01:02:40.382 --> 01:02:44.303
In the name of
the Father, the Son,
01:02:45.930 --> 01:02:48.140
and the Holy Spirit.
01:02:48.140 --> 01:02:50.768
I bless you, Amen.
01:02:52.603 --> 01:02:56.440
And Dad, I would like you to
do the same if you can. Okay?
01:02:59.152 --> 01:03:03.613
In the name of
the Father, the Son,
01:03:03.613 --> 01:03:05.157
and the Holy Spirit.
01:03:07.410 --> 01:03:08.828
- Amen.
- Amen.
01:03:08.828 --> 01:03:09.662
- Beautiful.
01:03:10.788 --> 01:03:11.622
Okay.
01:03:17.962 --> 01:03:19.630
(medical device buzzing)
01:03:21.298 --> 01:03:24.760
She had life in your body.
Right?
01:03:24.760 --> 01:03:25.970
- Yeah.
01:03:25.970 --> 01:03:29.432
- She had life.
- Yes, very lively.
01:03:29.432 --> 01:03:31.975
- And she had purpose
in your body.
01:03:31.975 --> 01:03:34.395
And we don't have access
to what that was about.
01:03:35.437 --> 01:03:38.523
But we did our part
and you did your part.
01:03:38.523 --> 01:03:39.525
You delivered her.
01:03:43.820 --> 01:03:44.905
And she's beautiful.
01:03:46.657 --> 01:03:47.492
- [Mom] Yes.
01:03:47.492 --> 01:03:48.575
- She's beautiful.
01:03:52.288 --> 01:03:53.915
- [Mom] Thank you.
- You got it.
01:03:58.252 --> 01:04:00.003
- Is there anything else
I can do for both of you?
01:04:00.003 --> 01:04:02.005
- [Dad] You don't
have a Bible, do you?
01:04:02.005 --> 01:04:04.800
- I do, I do, do you want--
01:04:04.800 --> 01:04:06.302
- [Dad] Jeremiah 29.
01:04:06.302 --> 01:04:08.972
- [Mati] You wanna, yeah,
go for it, go for it.
01:04:17.730 --> 01:04:19.523
- "'For I know the plans
I have for you,'"
01:04:19.523 --> 01:04:21.358
declares the Lord,
'Plans to prosper you
01:04:21.358 --> 01:04:22.735
and not to harm you.
01:04:22.735 --> 01:04:24.987
Plans to give you
hope and a future.'"
01:04:25.905 --> 01:04:26.738
- [Mati] Mm.
01:04:30.450 --> 01:04:31.285
Yeah.
01:04:31.285 --> 01:04:33.412
- You know, I think that's,
you know, for all of us.
01:04:37.417 --> 01:04:38.960
We have hope in the future
01:04:38.960 --> 01:04:42.963
and I know she does
in a more...
01:04:42.963 --> 01:04:45.507
(dad sighing)
celestial plane, let's say,
01:04:45.507 --> 01:04:48.135
and you know,
we're excited about her sister
01:04:48.135 --> 01:04:52.598
and her big brother
and everyone
01:04:52.598 --> 01:04:55.183
in the family, feels blessed.
01:04:58.728 --> 01:05:01.398
At the same time, we feel
extremely heartbroken
01:05:01.398 --> 01:05:04.318
that she couldn't make
it out with her sister.
01:05:04.318 --> 01:05:05.152
- Yeah.
01:05:11.575 --> 01:05:13.493
Lord, our God, Eternal One,
01:05:15.162 --> 01:05:17.790
please bless this family.
01:05:17.790 --> 01:05:20.877
Bless this family
to know and to hold
01:05:20.877 --> 01:05:22.795
the complexity of life
01:05:22.795 --> 01:05:26.173
in their bodies
as they have known
01:05:26.173 --> 01:05:28.467
for these last several months.
01:05:30.302 --> 01:05:31.845
To be able to grieve,
01:05:31.845 --> 01:05:35.432
to be able to celebrate,
simultaneously,
01:05:35.432 --> 01:05:38.268
is one of the hardest
tasks you have given us
01:05:38.268 --> 01:05:39.603
and we take it on.
01:05:42.147 --> 01:05:45.777
We ask you, God, to bless
Aurora.
01:05:45.777 --> 01:05:49.530
Bless her life, bless her heart,
01:05:49.530 --> 01:05:52.325
bless her to know
she always has a sister,
01:05:52.325 --> 01:05:56.162
always has a companion that
she shared the womb with.
01:05:57.497 --> 01:06:00.958
Bless her to know that her
parents are only stronger
01:06:00.958 --> 01:06:03.668
and more fortified
by this experience
01:06:03.668 --> 01:06:06.672
and that Aurora will
remain an eternal teacher
01:06:07.965 --> 01:06:10.550
and have a place
in our home to reside
01:06:10.550 --> 01:06:13.220
whenever her spirit
wants to visit.
01:06:14.638 --> 01:06:17.517
We thank you, Eternal
One, for the complexity
01:06:17.517 --> 01:06:20.143
of this experience and
the ways that Aurora
01:06:20.143 --> 01:06:22.605
has taught us and will
continue to teach us
01:06:23.605 --> 01:06:27.443
how to be great parents,
community members, mother.
01:06:31.905 --> 01:06:35.325
We thank you and we will
grieve and we will celebrate
01:06:35.325 --> 01:06:39.538
simultaneously, at once,
as we are obligated.
01:06:39.538 --> 01:06:41.665
We thank you God, amen.
01:06:41.665 --> 01:06:44.085
- [Mom] Amen.
- [Dad] Amen.
01:06:44.085 --> 01:06:45.712
- Amen.
01:06:51.758 --> 01:06:52.593
Okay.
01:06:54.553 --> 01:06:56.097
Mom, you good?
- Yeah, thank you.
01:06:56.097 --> 01:06:58.265
- Yeah, thank you.
- Okay.
01:07:02.770 --> 01:07:05.522
(birds chirping)
01:07:07.483 --> 01:07:10.652
(bird wings flapping)
01:07:11.528 --> 01:07:14.282
(birds chirping)
01:07:16.992 --> 01:07:20.162
(bird wings flapping)
01:07:30.088 --> 01:07:33.258
(engine rumbling)
01:07:52.737 --> 01:07:55.738
(garbage crunching)
01:08:02.245 --> 01:08:05.665
(computer keys clicking)
01:08:13.882 --> 01:08:15.633
(computer dinging)
01:08:15.633 --> 01:08:18.095
- All right.
- [David] Okay.
01:08:18.095 --> 01:08:20.097
- Okay.
- Technical stuff, all right.
01:08:20.973 --> 01:08:24.977
- All right, now are ya here?
01:08:24.977 --> 01:08:28.105
- [David] I'm here, yeah,
yeah, I do feel here.
01:08:28.105 --> 01:08:30.107
- All right, good, okay.
01:08:31.192 --> 01:08:34.195
So David, what method would
you like to use today?
01:08:34.195 --> 01:08:36.863
You wanna use "My
problem is I" or another?
01:08:37.865 --> 01:08:39.073
- Hmm.
01:08:39.073 --> 01:08:41.118
- [Consultant] Exploring.
01:08:41.118 --> 01:08:43.578
- I think I wanna use,
ah, a different one.
01:08:44.997 --> 01:08:47.667
That one's always tough,
although I see the merit.
01:08:47.667 --> 01:08:49.752
- And it can be, yeah.
- Yeah.
01:08:52.797 --> 01:08:55.465
- Well, let's, before we
begin then, how are you?
01:08:55.465 --> 01:08:56.592
Let me say hello.
01:08:56.592 --> 01:08:57.467
- Yeah, thank you.
01:08:58.760 --> 01:09:02.723
Well, that's where I wanted
to begin anyway, is uh...
01:09:02.723 --> 01:09:07.853
is that I've got a mishmash
01:09:07.853 --> 01:09:10.438
of things that I think
we can probably...
01:09:11.398 --> 01:09:12.232
they're probably related,
01:09:12.232 --> 01:09:14.025
but we can probably
tease them out.
01:09:15.527 --> 01:09:16.820
- Okay.
01:09:16.820 --> 01:09:20.740
- My, whatever you call
it, my filter is down,
01:09:20.740 --> 01:09:22.910
my bandwidth is stretched.
01:09:22.910 --> 01:09:27.915
I don't have the room
inwardly to metabolize
01:09:28.165 --> 01:09:32.002
the harder stuff that
comes at me right now.
01:09:33.920 --> 01:09:34.755
- Okay.
01:09:35.838 --> 01:09:37.340
- I'm telling myself right now,
01:09:37.340 --> 01:09:39.302
I don't wanna
do supervision anymore.
01:09:43.847 --> 01:09:48.018
And I don't think that's
exactly the truth.
01:09:50.103 --> 01:09:51.980
- [Consultant] Okay,
but right at the moment,
01:09:51.980 --> 01:09:53.732
you don't wanna
do supervision.
01:09:53.732 --> 01:09:54.817
- I don't wanna do it.
01:09:54.817 --> 01:09:55.817
- [Consultant] Okay, anymore.
01:09:55.817 --> 01:09:56.735
You don't know the future.
01:09:56.735 --> 01:09:57.570
- Yep.
01:09:57.570 --> 01:09:59.153
- [Consultant] At the moment,
01:09:59.153 --> 01:10:01.740
you don't wanna do supervision.
01:10:02.617 --> 01:10:05.327
- Yeah, I don't wanna do it.
I dread it.
01:10:05.327 --> 01:10:07.747
If I can cancel it,
I cancel it.
01:10:07.747 --> 01:10:09.080
I would've
canceled it yesterday,
01:10:09.080 --> 01:10:12.208
but we haven’t met
in several weeks
01:10:12.208 --> 01:10:14.795
and then it's like,
there’s only five...
01:10:14.795 --> 01:10:16.755
after this week
there are only four more weeks
01:10:16.755 --> 01:10:19.007
and it's like,
you gotta supervise.
01:10:19.007 --> 01:10:21.635
You have to.
You have to do this.
01:10:21.635 --> 01:10:23.345
It's... first of all,
it's your job.
01:10:23.345 --> 01:10:25.097
It's... they need it.
01:10:26.015 --> 01:10:28.558
Like, you can't
stop doing this.
01:10:29.810 --> 01:10:31.937
But I wanna stop.
01:10:31.937 --> 01:10:33.272
- [Consultant] Okay.
01:10:33.272 --> 01:10:36.108
All right, so let's pay
attention to, you know,
01:10:36.108 --> 01:10:40.612
this piece of you that
wants to stop and you know
01:10:40.612 --> 01:10:44.450
what's going inside you,
David, right now
01:10:44.450 --> 01:10:45.575
that you wanna stop?
01:10:47.118 --> 01:10:48.578
Like, what about
the supervision
01:10:48.578 --> 01:10:49.997
do you wanna be done with?
01:10:54.167 --> 01:10:55.460
- Well, it hurts.
01:10:57.045 --> 01:10:59.340
- [Consultant] It hurts, okay.
01:10:59.340 --> 01:11:01.133
- And I wanna stop hurting.
01:11:02.258 --> 01:11:04.428
- [Consultant] Wanna
stop hurting, of course.
01:11:08.098 --> 01:11:11.727
- That's the motivation
is it hurts and,
01:11:12.853 --> 01:11:17.273
man, my shame triggers
are so triggered right now,
01:11:21.403 --> 01:11:23.155
but I don't have the um...
01:11:24.740 --> 01:11:28.243
I don't have the fortitude
at the moment
01:11:33.040 --> 01:11:34.583
to really, um...
01:11:36.502 --> 01:11:39.170
provide the supervision
I wanna provide.
01:11:42.548 --> 01:11:45.843
That's why I'm, you know,
I'm thinking,
01:11:45.843 --> 01:11:48.888
Okay, you need a break.
01:11:48.888 --> 01:11:52.642
(David quietly crying)
01:11:52.642 --> 01:11:54.478
- Well, what I'm really
hearing, David,
01:11:54.478 --> 01:11:57.647
when you say it hurts,
right, and you know,
01:11:57.647 --> 01:12:01.485
this work does hurt if
we don't have the fortitude,
01:12:01.485 --> 01:12:02.903
which we don't always have.
01:12:03.737 --> 01:12:05.155
- [David] Yeah.
01:12:05.155 --> 01:12:06.323
- [Consultant] Yeah.
01:12:06.323 --> 01:12:08.950
And you don't wanna hurt,
of course.
01:12:10.618 --> 01:12:11.787
No.
01:12:11.787 --> 01:12:13.663
Who wants to do
something that hurts?
01:12:15.415 --> 01:12:16.208
- Yeah.
01:12:18.002 --> 01:12:19.462
It's hard to know.
01:12:21.588 --> 01:12:26.218
I can see what I need to do.
01:12:27.218 --> 01:12:28.053
- [Consultant] Okay.
01:12:28.053 --> 01:12:32.598
- And I can't find
the strength to do it.
01:12:34.518 --> 01:12:35.893
- Okay.
01:12:35.893 --> 01:12:41.150
- I see it, I know what
needs to happen, but I just,
01:12:41.150 --> 01:12:45.112
I don't have
the gas in the tank.
01:12:45.112 --> 01:12:47.405
(blows nose squeakily)
01:12:47.405 --> 01:12:48.657
It's like--
01:12:48.657 --> 01:12:51.077
- Okay, so I think that
this is so important, right?
01:12:51.077 --> 01:12:55.372
You see it, you know it,
here, what needs to be done
01:12:55.372 --> 01:12:57.498
and you don't have
the gas in the tank.
01:12:57.498 --> 01:12:58.708
Okay.
01:12:58.708 --> 01:13:00.668
My guess is that you are
01:13:00.668 --> 01:13:03.047
absolutely a voice
for the group.
01:13:04.213 --> 01:13:07.717
No one in this group has the
gas in the tank right now.
01:13:12.722 --> 01:13:15.642
(wet nose-blowing)
01:13:27.822 --> 01:13:29.363
(Mati sniffing)
01:13:30.865 --> 01:13:32.242
(Mati coughing)
01:13:34.285 --> 01:13:36.455
- [Mati] Lord, our God,
Eternal One,
01:13:38.207 --> 01:13:40.292
we come before you today,
01:13:42.460 --> 01:13:45.422
to celebrate the devotion
01:13:45.422 --> 01:13:48.925
and the love between
a daughter and her mother.
01:13:50.177 --> 01:13:54.347
We do not want to miss
this opportunity to love
01:13:54.347 --> 01:13:57.852
because we are
stuck in the past.
01:13:57.852 --> 01:14:01.313
Lord our God,
we ask that you guide us
01:14:01.313 --> 01:14:05.442
in this very challenging
and dark moment,
01:14:06.568 --> 01:14:08.445
and let us remember...
01:14:12.115 --> 01:14:14.535
that when we think we're
at the end of the rope,
01:14:15.410 --> 01:14:18.413
there's always something
that appears
01:14:18.413 --> 01:14:23.418
that keeps us
desiring life, desiring you,
01:14:23.752 --> 01:14:26.087
and desiring to serve, amen.
01:14:26.087 --> 01:14:27.088
- Amen.
01:14:28.132 --> 01:14:29.508
- [Mati] We can't
redo the past--
01:14:29.508 --> 01:14:30.425
- Yes I know
01:14:30.425 --> 01:14:33.012
- [Mati] We can't redo the
past, but you know what?
01:14:33.012 --> 01:14:36.182
I'm more afraid that you're
gonna miss the present
01:14:36.182 --> 01:14:38.808
because you wanna
replay the past.
01:14:40.685 --> 01:14:44.355
We cannot save our parents.
01:14:44.355 --> 01:14:47.442
We cannot save our parents,
okay?
01:14:47.442 --> 01:14:48.860
These things happen.
01:14:49.778 --> 01:14:51.112
It's natural.
01:14:53.365 --> 01:14:57.743
And we're also in COVID, so
you're, everyone's foggy.
01:14:57.743 --> 01:14:59.328
Nobody's thinking straight.
01:14:59.328 --> 01:15:01.957
Everyone's in a
stress response.
01:15:01.957 --> 01:15:05.502
I don't want you to be
shouldering this guilt
01:15:05.502 --> 01:15:09.965
because it's not
your responsibility
01:15:09.965 --> 01:15:11.300
to fully shoulder that.
01:15:11.300 --> 01:15:13.385
Whatever people are
saying about negligence,
01:15:13.385 --> 01:15:15.137
you don't let that in.
01:15:15.137 --> 01:15:17.347
You love your mother
and you continue to love her
01:15:17.347 --> 01:15:19.182
while she's here now.
01:15:19.182 --> 01:15:21.893
But I tell you this as
somebody who lost somebody
01:15:21.893 --> 01:15:24.437
with no warning at all, none.
01:15:27.273 --> 01:15:29.108
You do not know
what's gonna happen.
01:15:30.860 --> 01:15:32.153
You do not know
01:15:32.153 --> 01:15:34.405
and I could tell you that
now from the other side,
01:15:34.405 --> 01:15:37.283
being somebody stubborn who
thinks she knows everything
01:15:37.283 --> 01:15:39.535
what's gonna happen
all the time.
01:15:39.535 --> 01:15:44.708
So let me be that stranger
that tells you it's dark,
01:15:46.793 --> 01:15:48.878
but you have no idea
what's gonna happen.
01:15:50.005 --> 01:15:50.963
Okay?
01:15:54.677 --> 01:15:57.387
You will have time
to decide how to make meaning
01:15:57.387 --> 01:16:01.057
of the past, but I don't
want you to lose the present.
01:16:01.057 --> 01:16:02.350
Your mom is still here.
01:16:05.103 --> 01:16:07.940
You're not dumb.
You're not negligent.
01:16:09.775 --> 01:16:11.860
You just can't
control everything
01:16:11.860 --> 01:16:13.653
and this is shocking
01:16:13.653 --> 01:16:15.905
and COVID is very,
very stressful.
01:16:21.828 --> 01:16:25.165
(Mati coughing)
01:16:25.165 --> 01:16:27.083
I have a little bit of
a cold, but don't worry,
01:16:27.083 --> 01:16:28.835
it's nothing serious.
01:17:26.477 --> 01:17:31.272
- [Amy] For today,
Karen is on call? Yes.
01:17:31.272 --> 01:17:37.445
And, um, Jason, Sophia,
and Fumiko are off today...
01:17:39.197 --> 01:17:42.992
and I’m...
I don't see Mati on this call,
01:17:42.992 --> 01:17:45.287
so my last email...
01:17:45.287 --> 01:17:46.872
I'm gonna check in with her
01:17:46.872 --> 01:17:49.665
on whether she's
in or not today,
01:17:49.665 --> 01:17:53.378
but I'll confirm that for now
01:17:53.378 --> 01:17:57.007
I will list Johnny for her,
Mati's units,
01:17:57.007 --> 01:17:58.717
and if that changes,
I'll let you know, Johnny.
01:17:58.717 --> 01:18:03.513
I also have Johnny
listed for the SICU/TICU.
01:18:03.513 --> 01:18:07.058
Good morning, Mati.
01:18:07.058 --> 01:18:09.937
Wanted to follow up.
01:18:09.937 --> 01:18:12.355
Thought you'd be here,
that you’d...
01:18:14.482 --> 01:18:15.817
(Amy sighing)
01:18:24.075 --> 01:18:27.370
- [Jessica] Hey, Mati.
- [Mati] Hi, both of you.
01:18:27.370 --> 01:18:29.705
- [Michele] Hi
- [Jessica] How are you?
01:18:32.625 --> 01:18:36.838
- [Mati] I guess I've just
been feeling like resistant
01:18:36.838 --> 01:18:39.967
because, like, my body
doesn't feel okay.
01:18:42.010 --> 01:18:44.387
When I woke up,
I was just like, I can't.
01:18:44.387 --> 01:18:48.267
I can't imagine doing this
five days a week in a row.
01:18:48.267 --> 01:18:50.768
I don't have a marathon
in me right now.
01:18:51.853 --> 01:18:54.898
And maybe, maybe others do...
personally, I don't.
01:18:54.898 --> 01:18:57.108
- [Jessica] No, I don't.
Like, legit.
01:18:57.108 --> 01:19:00.278
Like, pal care
took a lot out of me
01:19:01.237 --> 01:19:03.865
and my body was breaking
down during pal care
01:19:03.865 --> 01:19:06.033
and I was like,
You can't get sick right now.
01:19:07.035 --> 01:19:07.868
- [Mati] Yeah.
01:19:09.872 --> 01:19:12.373
I feel kind of angry
01:19:13.333 --> 01:19:16.712
that my body's being
asked to produce
01:19:16.712 --> 01:19:19.882
at a certain level
or standard that I am...
01:19:19.882 --> 01:19:22.258
- [Jessica] That's true.
- ...not willing to do.
01:19:23.760 --> 01:19:25.762
- [Mati] And I can't do it.
01:19:27.888 --> 01:19:29.015
I don't wanna do it.
01:19:42.153 --> 01:19:46.032
- So you really escalated
this situation unnecessarily
01:19:46.992 --> 01:19:49.035
by asking about HR.
01:19:49.035 --> 01:19:51.078
You always have a privilege
to go to HR.
01:19:52.330 --> 01:19:53.998
I took the privilege
today as well.
01:19:53.998 --> 01:19:55.833
I talked to labor relations
01:19:55.833 --> 01:19:58.002
and you are not
being mistreated.
01:19:58.002 --> 01:20:01.380
That is a gross exaggeration
of the situation.
01:20:02.882 --> 01:20:04.885
You have two options.
01:20:04.885 --> 01:20:07.345
When you say you're gonna
be here from 12 to eight,
01:20:07.345 --> 01:20:09.305
you come in from 12 to eight
01:20:09.305 --> 01:20:11.850
or you notify me and Amy
in advance.
01:20:11.850 --> 01:20:14.685
- I took grand rounds,
but I was on the phone,
01:20:14.685 --> 01:20:19.690
I was listening. I was
present, my name was on there.
01:20:21.527 --> 01:20:24.320
I made sure
that it was present
01:20:24.320 --> 01:20:27.823
and then I came here as soon
as I could after I finished
01:20:27.823 --> 01:20:30.410
doing some of the work at
home which I had to do.
01:20:30.410 --> 01:20:31.912
- Are you hearing
what I'm saying?
01:20:31.912 --> 01:20:32.787
The two options.
01:20:32.787 --> 01:20:35.332
- [Mati] You brought
this to labor relations
01:20:35.332 --> 01:20:39.168
and now I have to figure out
what to do with that, yeah.
01:20:39.168 --> 01:20:40.503
- No, you're hearing
the wrong thing.
01:20:40.503 --> 01:20:44.007
I've said I need to know
in advance.
01:20:44.007 --> 01:20:45.383
- [Mati] What does advance
look like?
01:20:45.383 --> 01:20:46.843
- Before twelve o'clock.
01:20:46.843 --> 01:20:48.010
Your shift is 12 to eight,
01:20:48.010 --> 01:20:51.013
you notify me at 1:08 that
you're gonna be in at two....
01:20:56.268 --> 01:20:59.772
I went to labor relations
to make sure
01:20:59.772 --> 01:21:02.858
that you're not being
mistreated and you are not.
01:21:02.858 --> 01:21:04.818
- [Mati] That's how you made
sure I'm not being mistreated?
01:21:04.818 --> 01:21:06.487
- That is a gross
exaggeration.
01:21:06.487 --> 01:21:07.738
- [Mati] By taking it
to labor relations.
01:21:07.738 --> 01:21:09.698
- Unnecessarily escalating
the situation.
01:21:09.698 --> 01:21:11.743
- [Mati] That's how you made
sure I'm not being mistreated.
01:21:12.618 --> 01:21:13.703
- [David] Listen, I said--
01:21:13.703 --> 01:21:15.247
- I don't feel
safe with you in a room.
01:21:15.247 --> 01:21:17.957
- [David] Fine, good.
I've said what I'm gonna say.
01:21:17.957 --> 01:21:20.293
I'm gonna send you
an email to put it in writing
01:21:20.293 --> 01:21:21.168
and that's that.
01:21:26.675 --> 01:21:29.093
(door slams)
01:22:09.675 --> 01:22:14.347
(people speaking faintly
in background)
01:22:35.368 --> 01:22:38.372
(door code beeping)
01:22:39.955 --> 01:22:42.708
(chair scraping)
01:22:45.837 --> 01:22:48.382
This truly is
a bittersweet week.
01:22:48.382 --> 01:22:51.425
You know, bitter in the sense
that I always feel some grief
01:22:51.425 --> 01:22:55.680
about saying goodbye to the
residents as they're leaving
01:22:55.680 --> 01:22:59.517
and really sweet because
it's such a celebratory time
01:22:59.517 --> 01:23:01.560
because you've accomplished
01:23:01.560 --> 01:23:04.688
and achieved something
so hard. So hard.
01:23:05.565 --> 01:23:09.985
- As we all know, it really
takes a lot to be open-hearted
01:23:09.985 --> 01:23:12.822
and to keep going back
again and again in this work
01:23:12.822 --> 01:23:15.533
and to build those
muscles and that capacity
01:23:15.533 --> 01:23:19.245
and wanna thank each
of you for your tears,
01:23:19.245 --> 01:23:21.663
for your laughter.
(all laughing)
01:23:21.663 --> 01:23:23.625
Jessica, that you've
been able to join us
01:23:23.625 --> 01:23:25.460
as a staff chaplain.
01:23:25.460 --> 01:23:30.090
Michele, that you'll
be able to join us soon.
01:23:30.090 --> 01:23:32.050
Fumiko, that you're
leaving now,
01:23:32.050 --> 01:23:34.010
but we hope
to welcome you back.
01:23:36.178 --> 01:23:39.682
Mati, who had to leave early
but really gave so much
01:23:39.682 --> 01:23:42.143
of herself through the
course of this year.
01:24:06.500 --> 01:24:09.295
- [Mati] I think I'm trying
to hold my own integrity with,
01:24:10.297 --> 01:24:13.340
you know, not feeling closure
in certain goodbyes
01:24:13.340 --> 01:24:16.427
and not pretending either.
01:24:23.977 --> 01:24:27.563
But also leaving an
opening for until soon.
01:25:14.527 --> 01:25:16.195
I recall you saying,
I cannot believe
01:25:16.653 --> 01:25:20.325
I cannot believe
what my body can endure
01:25:20.325 --> 01:25:23.285
and I just needed
to share that with somebody.
01:25:23.285 --> 01:25:24.953
To let them know.
01:25:24.953 --> 01:25:26.998
And what I felt
in that moment,
01:25:26.998 --> 01:25:29.500
through the tears, was awe.
01:25:32.170 --> 01:25:34.422
It was this quiet strength.
01:25:38.635 --> 01:25:40.220
- I checked in for one thing,
01:25:40.220 --> 01:25:43.682
I got four other things
happened since I've been here.
01:25:43.682 --> 01:25:48.687
- You got pancreatic cancer,
COVID, then liver failure,
01:25:48.853 --> 01:25:53.315
aneurysm, bacteria
in the stomach?
01:25:53.315 --> 01:25:54.775
Did I get that somewhat right?
01:25:54.775 --> 01:25:55.610
- Yeah.
01:25:59.655 --> 01:26:00.948
- Girl, your body...
01:26:03.492 --> 01:26:04.868
it's been through a lot.
01:26:04.868 --> 01:26:05.912
- Yeah.
01:26:16.213 --> 01:26:18.132
God, you are a waymaker.
01:26:19.633 --> 01:26:22.595
You are such an awesome God
01:26:23.470 --> 01:26:26.098
that makes ways out of no ways
01:26:26.098 --> 01:26:28.225
and we thank you
for that, Lord.
01:26:29.268 --> 01:26:34.273
God, I also thank you
for the power of yes.
01:26:35.775 --> 01:26:40.363
I thank you for allowing
me to wake up every day,
01:26:40.363 --> 01:26:44.325
allowing us to do
what you call us to do,
01:26:44.325 --> 01:26:46.410
knowing that yesterday,
01:26:46.410 --> 01:26:48.622
there's nothing
that we can do about it,
01:26:48.622 --> 01:26:50.332
but learn for today.
01:26:51.415 --> 01:26:54.502
God, we thank you
for your great expectations
01:26:54.502 --> 01:26:55.545
over our lives.
01:26:59.007 --> 01:27:03.135
- We thank you for giving us
a window into the complexity
01:27:03.135 --> 01:27:05.305
and intelligence
of the human body.
01:27:11.477 --> 01:27:14.438
We know that better than many
01:27:15.440 --> 01:27:18.943
because we have
been through so much.
01:27:20.570 --> 01:27:25.198
Lord our God, we ask
that you make it clear
01:27:25.198 --> 01:27:29.287
what is the teaching you
wish for us to receive
01:27:30.955 --> 01:27:32.123
in our suffering.
01:27:35.125 --> 01:27:36.585
What is the teaching?
01:27:38.587 --> 01:27:41.215
How might we receive it
01:27:41.215 --> 01:27:44.093
and give it as a blessing
to others,
01:27:45.595 --> 01:27:49.557
holding and standing our
ground with full integrity,
01:27:50.767 --> 01:27:55.522
as a way of service to you,
as a way of service to spirit,
01:27:56.688 --> 01:28:01.777
and a way to keep our temple
alive, breathing and well.
01:28:06.198 --> 01:28:09.202
- Once again, you came
on time, Margaret.
01:28:10.370 --> 01:28:11.997
- Thank you.
- I was having a hard time
01:28:11.997 --> 01:28:15.625
today, this morning,
to be honest with you.
01:28:15.625 --> 01:28:18.670
And I was like, God, why?
01:28:18.670 --> 01:28:19.962
Like, what's good?
01:28:19.962 --> 01:28:21.297
Like, what's really good?
01:28:21.297 --> 01:28:23.007
That's how I talk to him.
01:28:23.007 --> 01:28:24.175
What's really good?
01:28:24.175 --> 01:28:25.885
Like, what's going on?
01:28:25.885 --> 01:28:29.972
Because I know you say you,
01:28:30.890 --> 01:28:32.392
you won't overbear us,
01:28:32.392 --> 01:28:37.397
but did you really mean that I
could go through all of this?
01:28:42.068 --> 01:28:45.447
He does amazing things,
that's why I can't be angry.
01:28:48.573 --> 01:28:50.452
Because if I think about
all the things
01:28:50.452 --> 01:28:52.203
that I've been through,
01:28:52.203 --> 01:28:54.622
I lived through
every single one,
01:28:54.622 --> 01:28:56.248
so it's not my time.
01:29:00.210 --> 01:29:03.005
You know,
it's not your time, girl.
01:29:03.005 --> 01:29:05.383
Now be quiet, get some rest
01:29:05.383 --> 01:29:06.675
'cause you gonna
have work to do
01:29:06.675 --> 01:29:07.885
when you get outta here.
01:29:08.720 --> 01:29:11.513
And that's how I look at it
and I found my joy.
01:29:24.860 --> 01:29:27.363
(door clicks)
01:29:39.167 --> 01:29:41.585
(door echos)
01:29:45.465 --> 01:29:50.343
(music begins gradually
with a single tone)
01:29:52.347 --> 01:29:57.102
(bass clarinet plays
repeating melody)
01:30:18.832 --> 01:30:21.958
(organ-like pad enters)
01:30:44.190 --> 01:30:47.527
(watery handpan
percussion starts)
01:30:58.245 --> 01:31:01.790
(ethereal violins enter)
01:31:10.132 --> 01:31:13.177
(haunting guitar)
01:31:13.177 --> 01:31:16.305
(muted wordless vocals)
01:31:34.282 --> 01:31:37.868
(music crescendoes)
01:31:54.385 --> 01:31:57.053
(bass and
pulsing guitars build)
01:31:59.640 --> 01:32:05.187
(music peaks with a
disguised vocal sound)
01:32:09.275 --> 01:32:13.070
(bass clarinet
and violins continue)
01:32:13.070 --> 01:32:17.157
(organ-like pad returns)
01:32:40.973 --> 01:32:46.520
(handpan reenters
with a bell-like guitar tone)
01:32:55.780 --> 01:33:01.452
(bass clarinet plays alone
as music fades)
01:33:05.915 --> 01:33:09.835
(bell-like guitar tone finishes)