WEBVTT

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You\'re strumming out.

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David, your turn.

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This is complicated.

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No.

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No.

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Too slow.

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Too boring.

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Too slow.

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\"River of Dreams?\"

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No.

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No.

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No.

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No.

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Yeah, that would be cool.

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He\'s muscling your hand.

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Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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[MUSIC - LE ZEPPELIN, \"STAIRWAY
TO HEAVEN\"]

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(SINGING) If there\'s no
bustle in your hedgerow,

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don\'t be alarmed now.

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It\'s just a spring
clean for the May queen.

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Yes, there are two paths you
can go by, but in the long run,

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there\'s still time to
change the road you\'re on.

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My boys decided
to make T-shirts.

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I don\'t know if
they\'ll ever wear them.

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We went to California to
visit our dying mother,

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and all we got are
these lousy T-shirts.

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This is us.

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This is us.

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What a way to go.

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With music, and family.

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But music is so therapeutic.

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No.

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And to see Bambi just laughing
and enjoying herself again

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because for the longest
time she wasn\'t.

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You can crawl into a
corner, sit there cry,

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and just whittle away, or
take every minute you have

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and enjoy the love and the
outpouring and treasuring that,

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and that\'s what we\'re doing.

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As long as he doesn\'t have
to wipe my butt, he\'s OK.

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Yeah, I\'m not into that.

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It\'s OK.

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He doesn\'t have to be.

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That\'s not your job.

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It\'s not his job.

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No, I\'m not going to say
I\'m not scared shitless.

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I am.

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Who doesn\'t want to just go
to sleep and not wake up,

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you know?

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But it will be what it will be,
and with the help of everybody

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here, it\'ll be a
smooth transition.

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This is a journey for
the end of her life

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and going along
with her on that,

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I want to give her the
best care I can give her.

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Well, it\'s like my
boys, they asked

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me to basically take
a book and write down

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all my recipes that they love.

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Flavors, tastes,
smells, they trigger

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those beautiful memories.

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Bambi, if you have time, may I
have your cabbage soup recipe?

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If you feel that you can.

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If not, I understand.

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No, we\'ve got time.

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I\'m not going anywhere
today or tomorrow.

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I\'ll take care of
that recipe for you.

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Rick and I were set up
through a dating website.

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We were both
divorced, and we were

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looking for a new relationship,
a companion, and love.

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Bambi was in New Jersey,
and I was from California.

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We would speak on the phone
and Skype and everything else

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and just it all connected
and then started

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flying back and
forth for two years.

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And then last year when I
had the partial small bowel

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obstruction, in the
back of my mind,

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I knew the cancer was
starting to take over.

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We weren\'t engaged yet, and
I got on the phone with him

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and told him this is your
get out of jail free card.

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You didn\'t sign up for this.

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You didn\'t know this
was going to happen.

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No regrets.

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No guilt. I love you,
but I would truly

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understand if you felt
you had to book and run.

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I\'m not going anywhere.

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Next weekend he came out,
pulls out his cell phone

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and starts playing the
old song \"With This Ring,

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I Will Always Love You.\"

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Pulled out a box.

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I didn\'t even open up the box.

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Just fell into its
arms and said yes.

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We experienced a lot of love
that I didn\'t have previously,

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and I would never
want to give that up.

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When you married her and
you knew she was sick,

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what did you imagine happening?

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It was pretty well
under control.

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It\'s like we were going to have
a pretty good life together.

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In between us, we were
going to do really well.

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You know, we wanted to travel.

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We wanted to go and do
places and grow together.

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It worked for
about seven months.

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And they found the
brain metastasis.

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When you\'ve gone through
the gamut over four

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years of radiation, stereotactic
radio surgery, open surgery

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times 3, I finally said,
you know with all the pain,

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it\'s just... it\'s not
worth it anymore.

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I need to have that
quality of life,

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to be cognizant
of my surroundings

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and still be able to articulate
what I need to articulate.

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Put things in order so
when the time comes,

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hopefully, it will just
be peaceful and quiet

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and not cause too much
pain to the ones I love.

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And it wasn\'t just that
it was my decision,

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but it had to be a
decision with Rick too.

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I think it\'s a
kinder way for her.

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She\'s not in pain.

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She\'s comfortable.

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We\'re just thrust into
the role sometimes,

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and you have to step up.

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I mean, when everyone
is gone in a week,

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it\'ll be a little bit
more difficult for Rick.

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But our friends and family
you\'re so supportive

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and will help.

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So that\'s not a problem.

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Bye, Bambi.

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Bye.

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Love you guys.

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The main mission of
hospice is to make her life

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less painful, more meaningful.

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And aid checks in on Bambi three
times a week for 45 minutes.

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We have a nurse who comes in
once a week and is on call

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anytime we need her.

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And I\'m responsible
for the rest.

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My main task as a
caregiver, making

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sure she gets the proper
medicine at the right time,

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preparing food.

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When she has to go
to the bathroom,

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I\'m there to assist
her with that.

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It was a pretty big
decision because I basically

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had to leave work.

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Now, I\'m drawing down
my savings to do that.

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I\'m not trained for this, but
this is the best thing for her.

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How are you feeling?

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I had a really, really
rough day yesterday.

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I was actually very, very
uncomfortable yesterday

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for the first time.

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So I called out for
help, and they helped.

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My appetite is
still pretty good.

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It\'s not too bad, and
I\'m going to the bathroom

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fairly regularly, so...

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Good.

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That\'s not an issue either.

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It could be today.

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It could be tomorrow.

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It could be two months from now.

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How is Rick?

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A rock.

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It\'s amazing.

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Well, how you\'re handling this?

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Today.

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Who knows what
tomorrow will bring.

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[INAUDIBLE]

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No, straighter.

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Is that better?

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Is that in there?

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I think it\'s in.

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OK, let\'s look.

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Again.

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Up again.

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Up you went.

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OK, Rrroar!

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Rick\'s oldest
daughter is Mya\'s mom,

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and she can\'t handle being a
mom right now, and that\'s fine.

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She asked us to step up to the
plate in the fall, and we are.

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Yeah.

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Mya, come on in here.

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I miss you.

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Ooh, you want to
come up here with me?

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Yes.

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She knows things are different.

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She knows I\'m not well, but
it\'s like she comes up here,

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and we sit, and we eat
together, and we bond.

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Rick and her are going
to need a lot of help,

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but I know it\'s there for them.

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You\'re not your
usual sharp self?

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Not at all.

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Well, part of it might
also be a little bit

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of morphine relaxing you
and taking the edge off.

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I\'ve gotten to the point that...

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I\'ll be very honest...

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Rick is very helpful
getting me on the commode.

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But you know what, if I have to
wear Depends, I wear Depends.

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But that\'s huge.

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You weren\'t willing to
do that a few weeks back.

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What changed?

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Too hard.

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Are you feeling lonely?

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A little bit.

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Sometimes.

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Rick makes fun of me, but
I need this to put TV on.

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It\'s white noise,
check me mirror here,

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and literally,
just held my feet.

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Just rubbed my feet.

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That\'s all I needed.

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I really am ready.

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You tired?

00:10:02.148 --> 00:10:04.319
Yeah.

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Very, very tired.

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Just waiting for news.

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From what?

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Baby.

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That\'s all.

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My youngest son\'s wife
is due in two weeks

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with their first baby.

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That\'s my next goal is
to see that baby born.

00:10:24.900 --> 00:10:25.845
How are you?

00:10:25.846 --> 00:10:27.839
I\'m hanging in there.

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That\'s a little tough, but
I\'m doing the best I can.

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Her strength is diminishing.

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She needs someone
around all the time.

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I\'m on call 24/7.

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Even though people
are coming to visit,

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it\'s not really a rest
for me because they

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have to be trained in
knowing what to do.

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I can\'t expect them to
get Bambi out of a bed

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and onto a commode,
and that was a fiasco.

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We\'ve discussed
getting a caregiver,

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but it\'s too expensive,
and I\'m not working.

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I just can\'t handle that.

00:11:21.942 --> 00:11:24.427
[INAUDIBLE]

00:11:26.440 --> 00:11:28.834
Did she just get to sleep?

00:11:28.835 --> 00:11:30.719
[INAUDIBLE] sees it happen now.

00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:33.099
But look what happened.

00:11:33.100 --> 00:11:35.129
Bambi.

00:11:35.130 --> 00:11:36.130
Hi, Cookie.

00:11:40.340 --> 00:11:42.939
How are you?

00:11:42.940 --> 00:11:45.909
So so?

00:11:45.910 --> 00:11:48.769
You tired?

00:11:48.770 --> 00:11:51.139
No breathing problems?

00:11:51.140 --> 00:11:52.120
Yes, there are.

00:11:52.121 --> 00:11:53.499
You feel short of breath?

00:11:53.500 --> 00:11:54.380
All the time.

00:11:54.381 --> 00:11:55.879
I\'m just thinking
maybe we can go up

00:11:55.880 --> 00:11:59.291
on your dose a little bit, make
you feel like you\'re breathing

00:11:59.292 --> 00:12:00.499
is a little more comfortable.

00:12:00.500 --> 00:12:01.500
Right.

00:12:06.040 --> 00:12:07.040
You ready?

00:12:09.830 --> 00:12:13.119
You want to sip on your...

00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:14.120
Here.

00:12:17.460 --> 00:12:21.139
Do you want to sip?

00:12:21.140 --> 00:12:23.509
So I just called them.

00:12:23.510 --> 00:12:25.426
I just called hospice.

00:12:25.427 --> 00:12:27.509
They\'re going to call me
back in about 10 minutes.

00:12:27.510 --> 00:12:29.489
But I think what
I\'m hoping they\'re

00:12:29.490 --> 00:12:32.702
going to do is raise the
methadone dose a little bit

00:12:32.703 --> 00:12:33.869
because she\'s uncomfortable.

00:12:33.870 --> 00:12:35.621
She\'s still short
of breath, so now

00:12:35.622 --> 00:12:36.871
she\'s sleeping more from the...

00:12:36.872 --> 00:12:37.372
Careful.

00:12:37.372 --> 00:12:38.050
This is...

00:12:38.051 --> 00:12:40.589
I know.

00:12:40.590 --> 00:12:44.769
I really can\'t go up on it more
often than every three days.

00:12:44.770 --> 00:12:47.974
So if we go up on it today...

00:12:47.975 --> 00:12:49.100
Yeah, we started on Sunday.

00:12:52.860 --> 00:12:55.514
So you don\'t want to increase
it more than every three days,

00:12:55.515 --> 00:12:57.681
so if we go up on it today,
it\'s another three days.

00:12:57.682 --> 00:13:00.999
The decline has been more
difficult than I expected.

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Two, three, four times a
night, I\'m getting up and down.

00:13:03.760 --> 00:13:06.179
I\'m just weary.

00:13:06.180 --> 00:13:08.919
It\'s not just a tiredness,
physical weariness,

00:13:08.920 --> 00:13:11.889
it\'s an emotional weariness too.

00:13:11.890 --> 00:13:14.620
And I feel like my health
is deteriorating with hers.

00:13:18.530 --> 00:13:20.109
She had zero appetite.

00:13:20.110 --> 00:13:23.029
Even her coffee, which
she drinks every day she

00:13:23.030 --> 00:13:24.707
didn\'t hardly touch.

00:13:24.708 --> 00:13:27.249
As you said, is there a point
at which the person cannot stay

00:13:27.250 --> 00:13:28.399
in their house anymore.

00:13:28.400 --> 00:13:29.949
There\'s no right answer to that.

00:13:29.950 --> 00:13:32.074
Asking for more support
from hospice if you need it

00:13:32.075 --> 00:13:35.469
is really important because they
have a lot of built-in support.

00:13:35.470 --> 00:13:37.419
And soon as you just
say, I need more time.

00:13:37.420 --> 00:13:38.200
I need more volunteers.

00:13:38.201 --> 00:13:40.782
Yeah, what they offered me was
about a volunteer for two hours

00:13:40.783 --> 00:13:41.799
one day a week.

00:13:41.800 --> 00:13:42.370
That\'s it?

00:13:42.371 --> 00:13:43.919
That\'s what they offered.

00:13:43.920 --> 00:13:46.599
And when I get back,
Medicare won\'t pay for it.

00:13:46.600 --> 00:13:49.429
So we don\'t get
reimbursed for that.

00:13:49.430 --> 00:13:52.759
The caregiver saves the
system a ton of money.

00:13:52.760 --> 00:13:56.299
The system doesn\'t recognize
how they burn out the caregiver.

00:13:56.300 --> 00:13:58.759
It\'d be nice to get three or
four hours to the caregiver

00:13:58.760 --> 00:13:59.869
just to get away.

00:13:59.870 --> 00:14:00.800
Can I go to the gym?

00:14:00.801 --> 00:14:04.069
Can I even get out to
go grocery shopping?

00:14:04.070 --> 00:14:06.899
Can I even spend a few hours so
I can really focus on my work,

00:14:06.900 --> 00:14:09.949
so I can get something
done and get paid for it.

00:14:09.950 --> 00:14:12.469
You have to reach hard
once in a while, otherwise,

00:14:12.470 --> 00:14:15.229
you just lose it.

00:14:15.230 --> 00:14:16.230
What happened.

00:14:19.190 --> 00:14:21.665
[INAUDIBLE]

00:14:54.830 --> 00:14:56.539
I can understand why
people don\'t really

00:14:56.540 --> 00:14:58.269
want to go into a nursing home.

00:14:58.270 --> 00:15:00.379
It\'s a hospital room.

00:15:00.380 --> 00:15:02.689
She didn\'t really
want to go, but she

00:15:02.690 --> 00:15:05.819
knew that I needed the break.

00:15:05.820 --> 00:15:07.449
I did feel very guilty.

00:15:07.450 --> 00:15:09.899
I was relegating my
responsibilities towards her

00:15:09.900 --> 00:15:11.739
to someone else.

00:15:11.740 --> 00:15:13.869
On the other hand, I
was constantly tired.

00:15:13.870 --> 00:15:16.139
I hadn\'t had a full
night\'s sleep in months

00:15:16.140 --> 00:15:17.979
and just getting a rest
that I can come back

00:15:17.980 --> 00:15:19.839
and I could be more present.

00:15:19.840 --> 00:15:21.709
I could be more with it.

00:15:21.710 --> 00:15:23.109
And I was less angry.

00:15:23.110 --> 00:15:26.499
I could handle it better.

00:15:26.500 --> 00:15:31.893
In the five days she was there,
she degraded quite a bit.

00:15:31.894 --> 00:15:34.329
Hi, Bambi.

00:15:34.330 --> 00:15:35.320
How are you feeling?

00:15:35.321 --> 00:15:37.269
Are you comfortable?

00:15:37.270 --> 00:15:39.139
You\'re not in pain.

00:15:39.140 --> 00:15:39.640
Good.

00:15:39.641 --> 00:15:41.182
Do you want a pillow
under your head?

00:15:44.220 --> 00:15:45.100
No?

00:15:45.101 --> 00:15:48.591
Voted most likely to
succeed in high school?

00:15:48.592 --> 00:15:49.592
Not me.

00:15:52.875 --> 00:15:55.499
Your mom and dad called a couple
of times this morning already.

00:15:55.500 --> 00:15:57.541
You want to say hi to them?

00:15:57.542 --> 00:15:58.466
No.

00:15:58.467 --> 00:16:01.859
A little bit later maybe?

00:16:01.860 --> 00:16:03.979
The breathing is a
little bit of a struggle.

00:16:03.980 --> 00:16:06.389
She said she was having
trouble breathing earlier.

00:16:06.390 --> 00:16:07.240
Yeah.

00:16:07.241 --> 00:16:10.269
How do you feel breathing
wise right now, honey?

00:16:10.270 --> 00:16:11.869
OK.

00:16:11.870 --> 00:16:15.299
How\'s the grandbaby?

00:16:15.300 --> 00:16:16.611
Have you been Skyping?

00:16:16.612 --> 00:16:17.612
Really?

00:16:37.944 --> 00:16:39.539
Can you see her son in her?

00:16:39.540 --> 00:16:40.799
Uh-huh.

00:16:40.800 --> 00:16:41.800
Absolutely.

00:16:45.440 --> 00:16:46.600
Sleep well, honey, OK?

00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:52.840
You\'re doing great.

00:17:01.474 --> 00:17:04.880
Do you want to build
it up from here?

00:17:04.881 --> 00:17:06.088
We\'re going to make a window.

00:17:06.089 --> 00:17:07.570
It\'s the window.

00:17:07.571 --> 00:17:09.549
Did you make a window?

00:17:09.550 --> 00:17:10.069
OK, Mya.

00:17:10.070 --> 00:17:11.321
Let\'s build it up.

00:17:11.322 --> 00:17:14.479
Build it up a little bit away.

00:17:14.480 --> 00:17:16.578
What else can we do?

00:17:16.579 --> 00:17:17.450
What\'s this, Mya?

00:17:17.451 --> 00:17:18.789
What\'s this?

00:17:18.790 --> 00:17:20.459
Ah-oh.

00:17:20.460 --> 00:17:21.684
Timber!

00:17:21.685 --> 00:17:24.939
1, 2, 3.

00:17:24.940 --> 00:17:26.429
There\'s a big part
of me that says,

00:17:26.430 --> 00:17:28.079
I just want to get on with life.

00:17:33.207 --> 00:17:34.540
This isn\'t what I signed up for.

00:17:45.860 --> 00:17:47.460
OK, Bambi, let\'s
flip this on now.

00:17:50.202 --> 00:17:52.029
Let\'s see how that feels.

00:17:52.030 --> 00:17:54.479
Is that too tight on your head?

00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:56.610
You still have a nebulizer
going from there.

00:18:02.598 --> 00:18:07.088
Holding it is making it worse.

00:18:07.089 --> 00:18:08.089
[INAUDIBLE]

00:18:12.090 --> 00:18:13.149
Hey, it\'s Rabbi Albert.

00:18:13.150 --> 00:18:14.683
How are you?

00:18:14.684 --> 00:18:17.059
Good to see you.

00:18:17.060 --> 00:18:18.339
Do you feel calm?

00:18:18.340 --> 00:18:22.069
Do you feel... you have
a lot to be proud of,

00:18:22.070 --> 00:18:25.209
a beautiful granddaughter,
three great sons.

00:18:25.210 --> 00:18:28.099
Mya is doing well.

00:18:28.100 --> 00:18:30.609
It\'s going to be OK.

00:18:30.610 --> 00:18:32.787
I mention that there\'s
a prayer to say...

00:18:32.788 --> 00:18:34.329
And you mentioned
that you\'re feeling

00:18:34.330 --> 00:18:36.309
like you\'re ready to go.

00:18:36.310 --> 00:18:38.619
Does that feel like
the right time?

00:18:38.620 --> 00:18:39.480
OK.

00:18:39.481 --> 00:18:43.119
We\'ll do a few different
things together.

00:18:43.120 --> 00:18:45.249
\"I give thanks to you,
God, in whose hand

00:18:45.250 --> 00:18:48.039
is my recovery and my
death for all the life

00:18:48.040 --> 00:18:51.129
and the necessities of life
that you\'ve provided for me.

00:18:51.130 --> 00:18:55.283
I forgive everyone, and I ask
that everyone forgive me too.

00:18:55.284 --> 00:18:58.539
May the Lord bless
you and safeguard you.

00:18:58.540 --> 00:19:00.489
May the Lord shine his
countenance upon you

00:19:00.490 --> 00:19:02.159
and be gracious to you.

00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:03.729
May the Lord bestow
favor upon you,

00:19:03.730 --> 00:19:06.549
and grant you
tranquility and peace.\"

00:19:06.550 --> 00:19:09.649
Shema, Yiisrael.

00:19:09.650 --> 00:19:12.719
Adonai, Eloheinu.

00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:15.309
Adonai Echad.

00:19:15.310 --> 00:19:18.550
[SPEAKING HEBREW]

00:19:19.330 --> 00:19:20.989
[SPEAKING HEBREW]

00:19:20.990 --> 00:19:21.790
[SPEAKING HEBREW]

00:19:21.791 --> 00:19:23.230
[SPEAKING HEBREW]

00:19:25.650 --> 00:19:28.040
[SPEAKING HEBREW]

00:19:42.928 --> 00:19:44.719
Thank you so much,
everyone, for being here

00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:48.349
to pay tribute to Bambi Fass.

00:19:48.350 --> 00:19:50.715
I\'d like to ask Rick
to share a few words.

00:19:53.730 --> 00:19:56.869
Her heart was as big and
warm as anyone you will find,

00:19:56.870 --> 00:19:59.099
and if she were to give
us all advice today,

00:19:59.100 --> 00:20:02.159
she would quote from one of
her favorite songwriters,

00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:07.169
\"You got to get up every morning
with a smile on your face

00:20:07.170 --> 00:20:12.610
and show the world all
the love in your heart.\"

00:20:15.800 --> 00:20:16.300
I miss you.

00:20:16.301 --> 00:20:17.592
I love you my beautiful, Bambi.

00:20:41.326 --> 00:20:44.805
Father, can I have my lunch?

00:20:52.290 --> 00:20:56.609
The day Bambi died,
I was just lost.

00:20:56.610 --> 00:21:00.779
For months, you\'re a caretaker
for someone who\'s dying,

00:21:00.780 --> 00:21:03.869
but you\'re not prepared
for what happens after.

00:21:03.870 --> 00:21:07.089
For about a year and a half,
I could not handle stress.

00:21:07.090 --> 00:21:08.969
So for me to jump
right back into work

00:21:08.970 --> 00:21:12.239
would have been very difficult,
and it took me a long time

00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:15.299
to get over that.

00:21:15.300 --> 00:21:17.129
Mya has been really good.

00:21:17.130 --> 00:21:19.799
She still talks about
missing Grandma Bambi,

00:21:19.800 --> 00:21:20.949
and we talk about that.

00:21:20.950 --> 00:21:22.739
We say we can miss
her, but we can

00:21:22.740 --> 00:21:24.699
remember her, the
love we had for her,

00:21:24.700 --> 00:21:28.124
and the love she had for us.

00:21:28.125 --> 00:21:29.951
Who\'s that?

00:21:29.952 --> 00:21:31.759
Bambi.

00:21:31.760 --> 00:21:33.843
Me.

00:21:33.844 --> 00:21:36.189
Bambi.

00:21:36.190 --> 00:21:38.822
Being a caregiver
was very difficult.

00:21:38.823 --> 00:21:40.239
There were times
I was questioning

00:21:40.240 --> 00:21:41.634
why am I doing this?

00:21:41.635 --> 00:21:42.970
It was all about love.

00:21:46.316 --> 00:21:49.740
But I have no regrets
about marrying her at all.

00:21:52.830 --> 00:21:55.789
Those were amongst the
best years of my life.

00:21:55.790 --> 00:21:57.249
I would not want
to replace that.

00:21:57.250 --> 00:21:59.940
I would not lose
that for anything.