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My name is Olena Astasieva.

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I am the author of Dictionary of Emotions in a Time of War.

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I lived my entire life in Ukraine, in the city of Kherson.

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But I was forced to leave my home because of the war.

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Right now, as I record this video,

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Russia is destroying my city.

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I wrote Dictionary of Emotions and wanted it translated  into English

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so that as many people as possible in the world would learn the truth

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about Russia’s aggression against Ukraine.

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I want you to understand how we felt

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when the bombs started falling on our heads.

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(music begins)

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(loud explosion)

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We’re being bombed. I hear the sound of shells outside the window.

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(loud explosion)

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I google what to do.

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Hide in your apartment between two windowless walls.
No doors, no windows.

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I don’t have any walls without windows or doors.

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Even the bathroom has a window.

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The hallway has three doors and one of them  has glass in it.

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What idiotic planning.

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Maybe best to run to the basement. I go to google again.

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Do not hide in basement under any circumstance if there is no water source, air conditioning and a toilet.

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We have none of those in our basement.

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I lie down on the sofa. Nothing’s going to help me anyway.

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You have to stand three hours in line to buy anything ... but what do you buy?

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Buy meat and freeze it?

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But if a shell strikes the electric grid, there will be no electricity and the meat will go bad.

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Macaroni ad grains? But what are you going to do if they turn off the gas?

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You need something that doesn’t have to be prepared.

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Cookies? They sold out long ago, there are none left on the store shelves.

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Dry out some bread maybe? But there’s no bread either.

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I look at the empty shelves, confused.

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I’ve got to come home with something.

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Something we can eat sitting in a basement while bombs land on my apartment.

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Ugh. I hate dust.

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I really should mop the place.

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But what if the apartment is bombed?

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Then why waste the effort?

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What if they evacuate us and we have to leave immediately?

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No point in mopping the floors.

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Does one need to clean an apartment in wartime?

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Does anyone know what the rules are on this?

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I didn’t understand immediately what was going on.

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Why were my cultured friends from Russia mumbling these abstract phrases like

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I oppose war.

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instead of saying

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My government is committing a crime.

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It has been seized by evil forces.

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I am in despair and I don’t know what to do!

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Three people wrote that to me - three.

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That’s probably quite a few given that it seems every fourth inhabitant of Russia is not only not against the war in Ukraine, but even happy with it.

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I treated the citizens of the Russian Federation like living people

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but they turned out to be zombies.

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I wanted to be tolerant. I didn’t think people were to blame.

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It’s all Putin.

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I didn’t watch Russian TV. I didn’t know what was happening there.

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Oh my gosh, Lena! How are you?

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Your question: who among us Russians support you?

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I don’t understand ... how could anyone not support you?

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You know I have some other friends in the Ukraine and they have been very aggressive.

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Some have quit writing altogether.

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One girl, in Kiev, saw a little rocket spinning out of her window

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and she unleashed this incredible tirade of aggressive accusations at me, as if I were the one personally to blame for it.

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But I would like to understand it for myself.

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But I want to know the truth.

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I want to see it with open eyes, even if it frightens me.

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I don’t watch the Ukrainian channels. I can’t stand so much pain and tears.

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I just - I never could have imagined something like this happening in the 21st century.

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And you know, everything has been complicated by the fact that I’ve had COVID for the past two weeks

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So I’ve been on all these types of pills and I’ve been completely wiped out

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And it feels as if everything is a dream and I am going to wake up any minute now

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When you hear the sound of a shell flying at your house

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at first you feel fear ... then hatred.

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Hatred for whoever did it.

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For all of Russia, for all its inhabitants without exception.

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Until you hear the sound of a shell outside your window

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you will not understand what hatred is.

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I have a friend.

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Well not so much a friend ... I mean, the relationship is complicated.

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He lives near Kyiv, I live in Kherson.

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We rarely see each other.

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We had decided that each of us was on our own ... no obligations.

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An open relationship.

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He wanted to come to Kherson on March 8th, Women’s Day

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but the war began on February 24th

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And now I have no idea whether we’ll get together or not

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I’m afraid one day he won’t pick up the phone

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The place where he is now is ... it’s under heavy fire.

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I read the posts of those that managed to escape.

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They’re in Europe now, safe, and I’m really happy for them

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I follow all their stories. Some in Moldova, some in Poland, some in Sweden.

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I understand that it is difficult for them abroad, but it irritates me for some reason.

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It’s the desperation of being trapped.

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I feel guilty when I read about Karkhov and Mariupol

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because these cities are being bombed heavily

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Our Kherson didn’t suffer much ... a shopping center, two apartment buildings, a few schools

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We’re kind of outside of things because everyone else is fighting while we are under occupation

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This is the guilt of the soldier who has been taken prisoner.

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Today I crawled home from the hunt with two loaves of bread and three packages of oatmeal

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My sister and Dad conducted a special operation on apples and brought home a pack

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There are no fruits, and I need vitamins

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I’ll give birth soon

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The main thing is to have access to the maternity ward and medicine

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People write to me every day from other cities and countries ‘Come here!’

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We’re under occupation ... where the hell am I going to go?

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I keep kicking myself for not leaving. Not for my sake, but for my future baby.

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I’m very pessimistic about the end of all this shit

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That’s life ... one day at a time.

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My friend Sasha - he’s a music lover

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He collects records.

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He writes:

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I heard music for the first time since the start of the war

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And I sobbed as I sat there next to the player, listening straight through to the end

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It didn’t feel any better

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War is when even men cry

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They can do that now

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What you can die of during a war

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When a shell hits, a building might catch fire

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You might burn up or die of asphyxiation

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You might be shot in your car as you try to leave town

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You might die of hunger sitting in a shelter because you can’t go out for provisions

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You might die of hunger because there is a blockade and no food is delivered to your town

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You might die of illness because medicine is not being delivered to your city

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If a shell hits you, it rips you to pieces

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If a shell hits your apartment building, you can be crushed under the rubble

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As soon as the war began, we said ‘It will last a few days, then it will all be over’

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Then, ‘It will all be finished in three to four days, tops’

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Then, ‘We’ll know what to expect in two weeks’

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Two weeks passed and now I hear, ‘This war was planned to last a month’

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For some reason I have bad premonitions

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As I awoke this morning, I heard thunder in my sleep

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hmm ... ‘It’s going to rain,’ I thought

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Then I came to fully and realized

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those were shells exploding