- [Soldier] Hey doc.

- [Phil] What's up?

- [Soldier] This reminds me of 'Nam.

- [Phil] It reminds you of 'Nam.

- [Soldier] Except there was more rice paddies.

- [Phil] Oh, really? More rice paddies?

- [Phil] What did I tell you about the army?

- [Phil] I said the army contaminates everything. [Phil] Yeah, I've said that for a long time. [Phil] Everything it touches, it contaminates. Families, health, life, relationships, everything. It contaminates the finances, it doesn't matter.

- [Camera Man] Oh, he gets spun around, he can't do it. [Robert] What are you doing, Estrada?

- [Phil] The army is designed for 20 to 25 year old kids who they lock into a fuckin' closet for five years of their life. They take a young puppy, they put 'EM in a cage, they rattle the cage. They feed 'EM once a week, they send 'EM out into a fuckin' dog fight. After the dog fight's over, they pet 'EM on top of the head, put 'EM back in the fuckin' the cage. Give 'EM an extra biscuit once in a while, rattle that thing. Start feeding him once a week again and then they cut 'EM loose. That's what they do, man. That's what they did to us. Think about that. That's what they did to us.

- [Phil] This guy's a clown.

- [Ar] Love you, Mommy.

- [Kristina] Love you, Boo.

- [Barber] Hi, what are we doing today?

- [Robert] High and tight. [Barber] Shave it up?

- [Robert] Uh, skin tight. Yeah. [Barber] Okay [Robert] Get it all skin tight, like you normally do.

- [Boxer] Jab.

- [Phil] It's one, two, right?

- [Boxer] Yeah.

- [Phil] All right.

- [Boxer] Let's see it.

- [Phil] Yeah. You got it.

- [Scarlet] Why does it smell like sweaty man?

- [Phil] Why do you think Scarlet? [Phil] Before I lose my mind, which I probably will. I should probably put this all down on paper, you know? Cause I don't want like, in the event that I do lose my mind. I want people to go back and like, "oh yeah, I did do that." You know what I mean?

- [Woman] Yeah.

- [Phil] That did happen. But you never know.

- [Kristina] Ar?

- [Ar] Yeah.

- [Kristina] Get a swim suit out for me, please?

- [Ar] Okay.

- [CJ] Ar, it's out of ammo! [Ar] Stop! You know! He has a mini gun!

- Oh no, its off.

- [CJ] No! No! No!

- [Kristina] Where is he?

- [Kristina] Didn't get a lot of archery training in the military. There's a door there. I gotta get serious.

- [Robert] Okay.N ow come over here. No, you're not looking. I got it on movie. So you guys go ahead and eat.

- [Camera Man] Let's see.

- [Kristina] I'm afraid its gonna be crunchy.

- [Camera Man] Crunchy, huh? Yeah, no, you gotta do it the same time.

- [Kristina] Okay.

- [Kristina] Wait, lets cheers our bugs.

- [Robert] Dink dink! Cheers! Ew!

- [Kristina] I knew I wanted to go and I didn't wanna just go sit at a desk. I wanted to go and actually do something. And so one day I decided to walk into a recruiter's office and I told them I wanted to join. I was a hot mess and I'm pretty certain they were like, "we don't know what the fuck we're gonna do with you. But okay, we're gonna try." And so I asked them, I said, "well, can I drive a tank?" And they said, "no, you have to be a male." And I said, "well, can I blow shit up?" No, you have to be a male. I'm like, "what can I do with a vagina?" And apparently that list is a lot shorter. And they started giving me options. And I knew I probably had pretty good odds of getting over there as a medic. So I said, "okay, healthcare specialist sounds good." So I signed up for that. There was 800 in change amount of people on the FOB. And I wanna say the number of women was in the thirties. I went and met by platoon and the look of sadness and disheartening on their face was just priceless. Like, we fuck we got a chick. I mean, it was just, it was terrible. They were so upset. I mean, I expected that because of course, you know, they're gonna have doubts. They're gonna have doubts that I'll be able to go and grab that soldier and pull them to safety. And so I was like, "okay, well, I'm just gonna give it some time and then they'll figure it out." That it's not, they don't have to carry my weight. They don't have to worry about what I'm capable of. I will hold my own and they figured it out really fast. Within two weeks they were like, "all right." They start calling me Doc. And that's an earned title. Everybody's a medic. You earn the title Doc. They don't call you Doc until they can wholeheartedly trust you until they have faith in your abilities and your skills. After about two weeks, then they were, it was like I wasn't even a female. It was just, I was one of the guys in the platoon and we all, they all talked very freely around me. I learned a lot.

- [Robert] Oh shoot. All right. You ready to go knock it out?

- [EMT] Yeah. [Robert] We're gonna go pull this thing out and go get some, get some time on the truck.

- [EMT] Sounds good.

- [Robert] Yay.

- [Robert] How long you been doing the EMT stuff?

- [EMT] I finished school in April.

- [Robert] Okay. Sweet. Well, good thing is, I'm not one of those weird guys that have all these little idiosyncrasies or anything like that. I am super, super flexible and super, super fun. Nothing really gets me down. So don't worry about that and--

- [EMT] I'm like that too.

- [Robert] Okay, good. We'll have a great time then. You know, it'll go off your confidence. I mean, it'll be our first time working together, so it's--

- [EMT] oh, trust me. I'm confident.

- [Robert] Okay. What I like to do--

- [EMT] I'm good to go, I'm a learner. So I'll probably be asking you some questions today too.

- [Robert] I, yeah.

- [EMT] I'm a sponge.

- [Robert] I completely understand where that comes from. If I'm silent, then there's a problem. It's like, that's the one thing that's hard for me at that point to really start delegating cause as a Combat Medic, it was one of those things that you, you're by yourself. And so you don't have, you gotta really, you got Combat Life Savers around trying to direct 'EM and all that stuff like that. But if I'm silent, then start looking and going, Hey, you need me to do something? Cause I may be trying to say it, but my mind is working through the algorithm so fast, I just don't have time to think. Okay, lemme get this guy doing that. That might be a problem that I've gotta work through for all these years. Doing it by myself is giving somebody else some instructions, like, Hey, do this, make sure this happens. And I've gotten better. So we'll play it by ear, man, on each call, we just have to feel it and we'll get a feel for everything as we go through it.

- [Robert] We're studying the physics behind the atomic ball and the apogee and its flight. So in a second, Craig will demonstrate the up and arching throw of the atomic ball, to be stopped in mid-flight by the paddle. And thus dodging the atomic ball. We're also trying to see if we can subsequent fracture of the said confectionary delight. [Robert] Started out as an Infantryman. And I had gone through the whole process. Airborne school, was in ranger indoctrination program. And when I met a friend, lifelong friend of mine, who is a medic. So while we are both going out there doing what army soldiers do at the ranger indoctrination program and all that, I noticed that he was doing something a whole world different than I was doing. Which I was out there training to learn to. You know, I don't know how you say it nicely just trained to kill people. He was out there saving people and it was, I just took an immediate liking to that and it really fit my personality better. So after I did my two years, the first thing I wanted to do was change my MOS, which was the Military Occupational Specialty from 11 Bravo over to Combat Medic. [Robert] Now here's what I wanna know is how these big eggs get in there. That's what I don't know. I try, I can't get these eggs fit. So what am I supposed to do? I guess I. I can't get this one in there. That don't fit either. What's going on here? You have to help me figure this one out. Sounds weird.

- [Phil] I think about this all the time. Like I couldn't live a lifestyle in which, which I didn't make an impact. I couldn't, I just couldn't do it. For me fulfillment is helping other people achieve goals, helping other, you know, mentoring or filling a need, filling a purpose. And I didn't realize that when I was in the army and I think the reason, one of the bigger reasons why I stay with PAL is because it allows me to do that. [Phil] What's up? How are you? Good to see ya. That's why I drive 45 minutes a day, you know, Saturday, come up because it is part of a community. And that's kind of what we try to stress here is like leadership at every level. Like Marco looks up to Mike. Mike looks up to, you know, some other guys. There's somebody looking up to me. I'm sure. And then not looking up to a guy like Mo, cause the way he handles himself. So and Frank, you know, I hope at 88 that I'm doing this. You always talk about like, you win the Golden Gloves, your Golden Gloves Champion for life.

- [Mike] Yeah, dude like. My heart's pounding for that. I get anxious when I think about that.

- [Phil] Well what we'll start doing next is like going through a whole fight.

- [Mike] Yeah.

- [Phil] Going from... going through the locker room, walking out like your mindset, getting in the ring, fighting three rounds, listen, getting into the corner, like visualizing the entire fight. Start to finish. That way, when are you getting into the ring? You've done, you've already fought that fight a hundred times.

- [Mike] Yeah.

- [Phil] No it's good, man. You guys look good.

- [Mike] It's tough. Thank you.

- Ready? Roll?

- [Camera Man] Rolling.

- [Phil] All right, this is Flat Stanley.

- [Soldier] You heard him, right?

- [Phil] This is--

- [Soldier] Flat Stanley.

- [Phil] This is an instructional video. [Phil] So you listen to what Flat Stanley says, break. Flat Stanley.

- [Solider] This is Flat Stanley. You heard the man, right?

- [Phil] You listen, he speak.

- [Soldier] When Flat Stanley tells you something. You better...

- [Phil] Cut.

- [Camera Man] Last one.

- [Soldier] You best listen, pay attention.

- [Phil] Flat Stanley. Got it. [Phil] I go in, I go into their recruiter counselor, right. And I say, "Hey, do you have any MP positions?" He's like "Nope. I don't have any MP positions." So now I'm like, "well, all right. Well I've already tried that. So do you have any infantry spots?" Right? Well the infantry doesn't, the national, the Army Reserve doesn't have infantry. They don't do that. He's like, "no I don't. But I have this Healthcare Specialist position" and I'm like, you know, "what is this? What are those nonsense?" You know, I'm not gonna, I don't know anything about that. And he's like, "look," he goes, "it's a Combat Medic job." He's like, "you'll be, you know, you can do whatever you want with it." All right, we'll see. I would like to find that guy and give him the biggest open mouth kiss I can. Because that decision, that decision changed the course of my entire life, my entire career.

- [Robert] Hi there, sweetie. Wow. Candy. That's good stuff. All right! Take care now. Bye bye!

- [Woman] Bye bye.

- [Child] Bye bye.

- [Robert] Bye bye, darling.

- [Soldier] That was sweet.

- [Robert] That was, that was a great, that was a Time live photograph there, Sergeant Major. Where's your candy, Candy Man?

- [Soldier] I don't get candy.

- [Camera Man] Come on, man. I know you wanna give candy to little children.

- [Erin] This is what he's been the last few times.

- [Robert] Just looking around?

- [Erin] Just super alert.

- [Robert] Hmm. I also think the thing that I appreciate about her making the decision to do this, she wants to serve because I served and her grandfather that she never got to know served. And so, when I was in, it was the, you know, for a larger part, it seemed like there was a lot of decisions being made about serving so that they could be a whole new lifestyle. You know, it was like, either running away from something or running to something, was seemed to be the common theme for men and women. But largely there wasn't a whole lot of things like this young lady here, you know, saying I wanna follow up my dad's footsteps. I didn't hear that too much. I thought, well, this is kind of flattering, you know? But that being what it is, I'm excited to see where she's gonna go with that. Cause she keeps maintaining the attitude that she's showing me in the last couple years. I see her making quick rank and making a name for herself without having to go through what the, Kristina will probably tell you that she had to go through, you know? She's setting the path for you. You already knew that.

- [Erin] I thought she was a badass. She was really cool. She had tattoos and she was just like, "yeah, I got a baby coming out, whatever." Like, she was really cool. I met her at her baby shower. But she was just like the kind of woman you wanna be.

- [Robert] She could turn a switch in a minute. She'll be all dainty and feminine and everything. And then turn around and go out and sling some rockets down range and pull some cannon string and fire some weapons.

- [Erin] She was one of those women that was just like, "yeah, I'm here to be with the guys and just do my job." Like get it done.

- [Robert] That's it. Yep.

- [Kristina] We are very similar and I just think that's the coolest thing ever, because I hope that Ar feels that sense of belonging always, because her and I are so similar. I told her that before I'm mad at her. I'm like, "you act just like I did and God I was annoying!" There's some on the stairs.

- [Ar] I don't want to play.

- [Kristina] Well, he's reloading so I suggest you hide then.

- [Ar] Oh geez! oh, oh, oh!

- [Kristina] Gotta put the nerf guns up. We have to go to the car soon. Her dad is the same dad my son has. They have the same dad. Her biological mom was on drugs. May still be, I don't know. We don't speak to her or see her. Charles had gotten custody of Ar and I was there, Ar was two and a half. And when she was still visiting her mom, she would come back saying things like, "well, she's my mom and I only have one mom." And I said, "that's fine, Ar." I was like, "that's fine." And she called me Kristina for a long time. And then once her mom was out of the picture, she still called me Kristina and all that stuff. And then she started dabbling in the idea of, well, can I call you stepmom? I'm like, "you can call me whatever you are comfortable calling me." Whatever feels good for you do that.

- [Ar] Okay, CJ, can you not circle her?

- [Kristina] Yeah. I agree. Don't ride, don't ride in circles. That's hazardous to my feet. As far as that's concerned, that's my kid. So, and I feel that way. And she feels that way. So we're all good now. God bless America.

- [Ar] Look mama.

- [Kristina] Yup.

- [Ar] I can do it too.

- [Kristina] Nice.

- [Ar] I'm actually not that good at it.

- [Kristina] Everything happens for a reason. She's my kid for a reason. So I needed her and she needed me.

- [Ar] Okay.

- [Kristina] Watch out. There's a car coming. Get out of the road, CJ!

- [Phil] So I was skating with these guys when I was in the army. I'd come home on like, for a week weekend pass, I'd fly all the way home. I'd be in the door in two minutes and drop my shit, get my hockey stuff and go play hockey. So the couple guys there who were just kind of douche bags. So the first week of taking a couple of two hands and what not. Talking my buddy Jimmy like, dude. I'm telling you right now, this is getting old man. You guys are, this is getting old. Like the two handers gotta stop. So maybe a couple weeks later, I'd taken out and this is like, this is kind how these guys were. So I get the same thing. He hits me as I'm going on the ice. Nice clean shot on my wrist. Turn around, take that guy by the back of the head. Face planted that. No more cheap shots after that.

- [Man] Yeah. that usually teaches them pretty good.

- [Phil] Yeah. I was like, man, he can't be. Cause I'm out here playing, I'm not trying to kill anybody! I gotta go to work tomorrow. [Phil] August 1st, 2006. I remember cause I got promoted to a Sergeant that day. The Iraqi Army had been hit by a landmine. They rolled over a landmine and the bus burned up with 32 people inside. And when we get there, these people are, you know, burned to a crisp, but they're, they're still in the posture of what they were in the last instant they had, you know, life. So some of these guys are clinging to the side of the bus, like trying to get out like, you know? like, oh, shit. We're removing bodies. Like we're removing human beings. Like and their, you know, guts are all over you and you're pulling them off this bus, and you're putting 'EM into these body bags and their bodies are still warm and it's melting the body bag in front of you. I mean, just this, like, it's just an unbelievable experience. You really can't verbalize, but you try to joke about it, right? Like you try to laugh it off. And then, I think over time you kind of realize how callous you were and how foolish you were to do that. And, cause these were just regular guys. They were doing the same thing we were doing, right? I mean, this is their country, right? Instead of running away, they actually fought. But that's definitely not the worst for me.

- [Kristina] Yeah.

- [Ar] Hello!

- [Kristina] For a while. Grace! Love you.

- [Ar] Who's picking us up?

- [Kristina] Papa. Love you. Turd.

- [Ar] Love you! Love you, mom!

- [Kristina] Love you too. Turd. How about the shrimp? You just wanna try the shrimp? What are you supposed to do with that?

- [CJ] Who cares?

- [Kristina] Okay. We'll figure it out. Set it over there. Is this what you have to read?

- [CJ] Hm!

- [Kristina] Read while you eat.

- [CJ] Wake, wake?

- [Kristina] Yes.

- [CJ] Late.

- [Kristina] Hm.

- [CJ] Gaze.

- [Kristina] Hm.

- [CJ] Nate.

- [Kristina] Hm.

- [CJ] That's my brothers name!

- [Kristina] Hm.

- [CJ] And it's literally a capital letter too.

- [Kristina] Yeah. It's a name. It's always a name, Honey. Names are always capitalized.

- [CJ] Take, take?

- [Kristina] Hm. That here's is like, here is. Do you know what those are called when they put the apostrophe in them? Quit chugging that or I'm gonna take it away.

- [CJ] Um, tracks it. Track.

- [CJ] Traction?

- [Kristina] Contraction? Does that sound right?

- [CJ] Yeah. No, just I couldn't get in my mouth.

- [Kristina] I have that problem sometimes too. That's called brain fart. The very first casualty. I will never forget this. It was an eight year old boy. He had a gunshot wound to the face that went in his chin out his eye. He lost his eye and he had a through and through to his forearm and he was little. Little. And he reminded me a lot of my nephew. He ended up intubated. I was bagging him and we got him on a helicopter and everything like that. I looked over and saw his parents. That's when I lost it. I was like, "oh God." Like that's just when it really is real. Like, I mean before he was a patient and it's like, oh, he's a kid, and that's his mom and dad. And the only thing that like, has lingered with me after all of these years is all of my kids, my kid trauma patients, that kid lived. I mean he lost one eye, but he lived. So when I heard that he lived, it was awesome. And that was really cool. But it didn't always go that way.

- [EMT Dispatcher] All units in route to the 46. SO's advising y'all are going to have to come into on coming traffic. We have the entire road shut down. Pretty sure we have somebody out there directing.

- [Robert] How old are you darling?

- [Child] Nine.

- Are you married yet?

- [Child] No!

- [Robert] What? You're not married yet? What you waiting on? How does it, can you move your toes for me?

- [Child] No!

- [Robert] You can't even move your toes?

- [Child] Okay.

- [Robert] Okay, Honey. Nothing else hurts or anything like that?

- [Child] No.

- [Robert] Can you tell me what happened?

- [Child] When I was walking of the bus I was tripped against the poll.

- [Robert] Oh, okay.

- [Child] Started hurting really bad.

- [Robert] Oh, so it didn't happen up there in the accident? Okay. You know who this guy is? His name's Craig. You say hi, Mr. Craig.

- [Child] Hi, Mr. Craig.

- [Robert] Close your eyes. You tell me which foot I'm touching. Keep your eyes closed.

- [Child] The one that doesn't hurt. [Robert] All right. Tell me which one I'm touching.

- [Child] The one that doesn't hurt.

- [Robert] The one that doesn't hurt? Which one am I touching?

- [Child] The one that really hurts!

- [Robert] Okay. The one that really hurts and now point to it for me. Okay? Show me where it hurts. Toes, side, back?

- [Child] All of it!

- [Robert] The whole thing from here down?

- [Child] Yeah.

- [Robert] Okay. All right, Honey. Here's what we're gonna do here, lemme see. Oh, I guess we won't do it, until it gets back here. Got a little device. Oh yes I can. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. I'll let you put this right down here. Mhm doo. Scooby dooby doo. See the little shark fins? You know that baby shark song? That's what that looks like. The little baby sharks, huh? There it is. How's that baby shark song go?

- [Child] I don't know.

- [Robert] You don't know? Good. I'm glad you don't know. But look, you got a perfect score. That's what you wanna see on a test. Huh? You got a hundred percent. All right. That looks real good to me up there. All right.

- [Kathy] Nothing... We had chicken broth.

- Oh.

- I was going to can but it didn't turn out. So we dumped it. I'm not canning it unless it's perfect.

- [Robert] Thank you, buddy.

- [Kathy] Oh my God.

- [Robert] That's awesome, man. Seriously.

- [Waiter] Y'all Let me know when you're ready.

- [Kathy] Oh, that smells so good. Smell that.

- [Kathy] My buddy, that I was telling you about. He's a little older than me, 62, but he retired last year. But it was just something that had developed. And his, like I said, came out, his diagnosis was ALS. It's always an ongoing thing. You just never get a real actual diagnosis of anything. But all of our symptoms are the same, you know, weakened muscle strength, difficulty breathing, unable to, you know, do much of anything coordination wise. If I sit still, if I get to a point where I'm hard as this table. It's like, when I go to get up, it takes a few extra seconds to force the muscle to do something again. And so, as we said, there's no other options. You just have to keep moving. And so health wise, it's a constant fight every day to struggle to keep moving. Cause if I don't move, then I have to get help to get up. You know, we say, get me with the rolling pin. The physical therapy part where you roll your legs out and all that. She does that and oh my God, the most painful thing. But then the next day I can move, so. That's where I knew that if the EMS things was gonna come to an end someday, it'll be one of those things. Statistically speaking, we were talking about in the army, they always say, it's the guys that just retire. You know, the 55 year old, white male in a career change and all that, that's the guys that you have to watch for, as far as suicidal ideations and all that. And I was telling her, I can see this just in the three years since retirement, all the things that have changed. And if you don't have a good support network, man, I can see where this could be that problem. But the greatest thing we keep talking about is it's our time, right? It's like, we're getting ready to experience, What do we wanna do?

- [Kathy] Yeah. You go.

- [Waiter] Y'all want steak sauce? A.1., 57, Worcestershire?

- [Robert] You'll ruin it if you put it on that, right?

- [Waiter] Well, some people like to ruin their steaks.

- [Robert] You want anything?

- [Kathy] Uh, A.1.

- [Robert] But...

- [Kathy] In case I change my mind.

- [Robert] Yeah, no doubt.

- [Robert] Father, we thank you for this food now. And we ask you to make it nourishing for our bodies. Holy spirit, nourish our souls and to continue to watch over us. And all the things we say and do. Give you praise in Jesus name. Amen. Cut you some more? Had enough? I think that thing's dead.

- [Kathy] Well, yeah. All I know is someday. I just wanna go see the grandkids, see our kids

- [Robert] Hm.

- And just--

- [Robert] Get this outta here.

- [Kathy] enjoy.

- [Robert] Hm. Yeah. You can have that.

- [Kathy] And hope there's nothing major.

- [Robert] Yeah.

- [Kathy] In between.

- [Robert] I hear you.

- [Kathy] But we'll deal with it--

- [Robert] Right.

- [Kathy] as it comes.

- [Robert] That's right.

- [Kathy] And if I had to push you around a wheelchair and find places to go explore. So be it.

- [Robert] That's right.

- [Kathy] Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, just--

- [Robert] What's next?

- [Kathy] That's the whole thing. What's next?

- [Robert] What's next?

- [Phil] What's the plan? Well, I'm going to see my buddy Caesar and he's kind of had a tough time. I was deployed with him for my first deployment. So 2005 and 2006. He's very much a California guy. He likes the beach or, you know, surfing. Likes the Dodgers. He knows how important it is to be good friends with people and to take care of each other. His wife kind of reached out to me, said he was having issues and I'm genuinely concerned. Some of the things that I've been told have been going on are pretty destructive behaviors, and so going to surprise him and we'll see.

- [Cesar] I'm not back.

- [Phil] And you know his name is Alto Reed. [Cesar] Cause its a reed?

- [Phil] On the saxophone.

- [Cesar] He came out and played with Bruce Springsteen that like, I'm listening on XM Radio, right? Springsteen has a channel on there. So I'm listening to like on the way home. And I'm like, oh man, jamming out to some, you know--

- [Phil] Yeah.

- [Cesar] to some good Springsteen jams. And then they're like, "Hey man, this is Alto sax, and I was like, mother!

- [Phil] So this whole thing started with like, he sent me a text Memorial day, which I didn't really like, just the way it sounded. Didn't sound very good. Like he's defeated, you know? But I think 98% of the issues is the PTSD. And it's something that I've talked to him about for a while. You gotta get this stuff looked at. Have you talked to anybody about what happened with Mike? Like, I mean like a counselor or anything? Why not?

- [Cesar] I talked about it, but not in depth. Cause we moved on and they asked me other questions. But like how it happened, the ambush, what you went out there and we were still getting shot at going in there and grabbing him. I talked about that feeling because I was mad, cause I was, you know, and Captain Montgomery was like, "he's fucking gone. Let him go." And I was like, "no! Ahh!" Like, hittin' 'em, like wake up. But this part was fucking lodged in his fucking legs. He was pinned in there and I just kept pulling on him, pulling him and fucking Captain Montgomery was like fucking, "he's gone. And like, he's gone! Sanchez he's gone." Like, we got to fucking get outta here. I had to take the emotional part out because I gotta get us the fuck outta there first.

- [Phil] Yeah.

- [Cesar] And then when we got to the rally point, it was just like, fuck. It just happened, man. Yeah. So that's about the gist of it. I think there's more to it. I just, you know?

- [Phil] Like what?

- [Cesar] Just wanting to hold 'EM and you know, when someone's scared?

- [Phil] Yup.

- [Cesar] And when they're about to die and you're right there with them, and you wanna say something to comfort them.

- [Phil] Right.

- [Cesar] But like he's gone. And I was like, I almost still didn't. I was still not believing he was gone. Like I was like, "please, wake the fuck up."

- [Phil] PTSD is like one of those things, you know, it never goes away, right?

- [Cesar] Look, man. I got that I'm gonna take down with me to damn grave. I don't want to let go like that.

- [Phil] There's difference between letting go of someone and letting go of the burden of that person.

- [Cesar] I don't think he's burdened.

- [Phil] You don't think so?

- [Cesar] No.

- [Philip] Good.

- [Cesar] I think I've actually come to terms like, I don't want to kill everybody in Adwar anymore.

- [Phil] That's, well, I still would. I wouldn't mind.

- [Cesar] Yeah, like--

- [Phil] I wouldn't mind.

- [Cesar] Yeah. That part I've gotten over.

- [Phil] These experiences, you can never get rid of.

- [Cesar] No.

- [Phil] they're always gonna be, and I think I've gotta throw a party --

- - like I told you about the girl that died, right? Girl that died in Iraq on me? Right? And my counselor told me like, "Hey put them in a box, send them out to sea." And now the hard part for me is Scarlet turns eight. So she's the same age as that girl was.

- [Cesar] Yeah.

- [Phil] And now it's, now I look at it as like more of a, more of a personal thing. Like this was an age that I had circled the day she was born, I circled this date coming up because I knew that was gonna be tough. This is like a reality, you know what I mean? It's it can happen.

- [Cesar] At the end of the day, man, fuckin',

- [Phil] Let's go up to high ground.

- [Cesar] It is, you're right about the connection part. You gotta connect with people that, you know, understand.

- [Phil] Yeah. I think you do.

- [Cesar] But I mean it... you also gotta be able to be a fuckin' human being too,

- [Cesar] Takin' a piss?

- [Phil] Yeah, lets go. Come on, dude!

- [Cesar] I, no!

- [Phil] Why? Are you afraid? You can't swim?

- [Cesar] No. I don't...

- [Phil] Well, why?

- [Cesar] Because I only do that if I'm surfing, but I'm not.

- [Phil] Do you want me to get you a little floaty and put it on your back? You afraid?

- [Cesar] Nah. Nah.

- [Phil] Like my back finger, my index finger, like snap it down.

- [Producer] Do you think Phil has gotten over or has dealt with the things he experienced in Iraq?

- [Cesar] No, I don't think so. I don't. Now I don't wanna talk like I, I think that uh... I don't know. I don't think he's completely over it yet.

- [Kathy] Add both these bags. Both the bags. Fluff it up and we'll turn off the heat. Hey, sweetie. I believe so. Is the driveway clear? Daddy needs to back the... hang on. Erin's gonna check.

- [Erin] Yeah, he is good.

- [Kathy] It's good. Alrightsy. I love you, too. Bye. Daddy's bringing the trailer in.

- [Erin] Okay.

- [Kathy] That's it. We're not gonna bake it. We're just gonna make it like this.

- [Robert] Things my wife doesn't know, isn't because I won't tell her, I can't tell her because she knows that there's things that I don't know how to explain. How do you explain the unexplainable to somebody that's not experienced it? When I got back, there was a period of time where I couldn't be in a crowd. We went out to dinner. Everybody in Savannah, Georgia was out that night because everybody was home. All the restaurants were packed, all that was full and all this other stuff. I couldn't communicate to her that I'm sitting in this restaurant and I'm seeing everybody looking at me. But I, they weren't, it's my mind was playing that game. And I remember I was really freaking out, stressing out, like, what are they doing looking at me? Why are they laughing over there at that table? And I'm backing myself up into a corner. In my mind I could see me quote, killing everybody. But that was the anger inside, and I don't know where the anger came from and it scared me. I'm gonna open this up and get all smokey here. Let's see if we got a good temperature yet. So I'm sitting in this restaurant, I'm like, "I need to leave." And she's like, "okay, we'll get the bill." I'm like, "I need to leave now." So we got up and we got outta there as quickly as we could. And I was just overwhelmed with emotion and I don't know where it came from. And I'm sitting here thinking like, "what is going on with me?" And I remember they gave us all these phone numbers and she's asking the questions, like, "what are you feeling right now?" And I'm like, "I don't know. Leave me alone." You can't analyze me. You can't guesstimate what I'm going through. So she doesn't ask. She just gets closer. You know? And the physical closeness is what is like a life buoy. It's just something that you hang onto, cause you know they're not leaving you. And you know that this is not gonna be somebody that's gonna walk away.

- [Kathy] Hey, Robert?

- [Robert] Yeah, baby?

- [Kathy] Let's get this serving spoon.

- [Robert] Serving spoons? All right. Father, tonight we ask you to be with us and all that we think, say, and do and make this food nourishing for our bodies as your holy spirit nourishes our souls in Jesus precious name. Amen.

- [Kathy] Hm!

- All right. You gluten-free folks. You guys head on around and do your thing. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

- [Kristina] One of the reasons that I had hesitated to even try to get any kind of help, I was like, "I should be fine." Like, there shouldn't be anything wrong with me. I only went twice. I know people that went like six, seven, eight times. Like why am I so upset? You know? And then one thing I did learn as I started doing my PTSD recovery and stuff like that is like, having PTSD while you're still in the military, actually bodes very well because all of the symptoms, help you function better as a soldier. But I was like, "well damn, I never thought about it that way." So people can function in the military with PTSD for a really, really long time. Not realizing there's a problem cause a whole lot of other folks have it too. And then you get out and you have nobody that's like you. And you're like, "oh God, there's something wrong." Cause nobody's like me life.

- [Robert] Oh shit!

- [Kristina] Oh no, the whole things coming down. You knocked over my 12-gauge shotgun!

- [Solider] Go ahead!

- She's coming down real quick. Okay!

- [Kristina] What now? 12-gauge shotgun my ass!

- [Robert] It's getting scary.

- [Camera Man] Sargent Brady, what the fuck is going on?

- [Robert] I don't know. I'm holding a live electrical wire.

- [Kristina] All right, if y'all need anything let me know, I'll be out here runnin' around a lot but I'll be back to check on you,

- [Patient] Okay.

- shortly okay?

- [Patient] Appreciate it. Thank you.

- [Kristina] All right. I'm already over it. And my computer won't load me. It's pissing me off. Oh my God.

- [Doctor] What is, what is this?

- [Kristina] Hot tea. I can't put orders in, the computers giving me the finger. I'm gonna roll it into a rage. I hope you all have a better day than yesterday. Like I really do. Cause I have to come in at seven. So come on. Let's let's

- [Man] I'll see you later.

- Bye!

- [Phil] We're like, we're talking about whatever, and then we're talking like gunfire in and balloon pops? A balloon pops in the thing and the two of us we're like look at, what the hell was that? Yeah and then we kind of straighten up and we start laughing about it. But you're like, "all right, cool."

- [Dale] Phil was in Iraq on Christmas Day when his father died. And I don't know, not that I would ever fill in for his father because I couldn't. But we have become much closer--

- [Phil] Oh yeah. I agree with that--

- [Dale] after that.

- [Phil] I agree with that. A hundred percent.

- [Dale] you know, we're, we have something in common now. Being the military and served in combats. So we do have something in common at that. And I love him on top of that,

- [Phil] That helps.

- That helps.

- [Dale] My father had shell shock. World War II, shell shock. He didn't drink or smoke, my dad. But he, things would set him off and he would be a very violent person. And most of the time I was a recipient of his violence and I never realized, I was telling Froggy this earlier. I never realized what his issue was. I thought he just hated me. I never realized his issue was PTSD until I was at the psychiatrist's office, doing that PTSD thing they do there. I never realized what was a matter with my father. And I remember crying to my wife, like now I understand my dad and it was years later, it was crazy.

- [Phil] You see things that normal humans don't see. Like I scooped up 32 bodies on a school bus one day, like burned to a crisp, like it's not normal. Like people don't, and people, when they do that in the civilian world, they go to like mental health facilities for like a week to decompress. But we were just like, "okay, let's go to chow." Like it never happened. You know? And, and I think you don't realize that. And then in the military, like, oh, your Buddies kind of disappear. Like they go off and you're home alone, on your mother's couch.

- [Dale] Knowing he was a Combat Medic and that he was in there action. He was out there leading guys and stuff on patrol and stuff like that. And then when his best friend was killed, I knew then that when he comes home, he's gonna be a hurting dude. I knew that. I knew that.

- [Dale] We used to say, you know, men like us don't die. That was kind of our motto, like my buddies and I. Men like us don't get killed. And then one of us gets killed. You know like, "oh shit. Wow I guess we were wrong about all that."

- [Dale] Yeah.

- [Phil] And uh, but it never really registered to me, and even if it did, like, I think even if I. Even if I knew, I knew what could've happened. I still would've gone. I still would've done it. It was worth it. Like, I mean, yeah, this is. Thank God I have all my faculties. You know what I mean? Like, I don't have a brain injury. I'm not like a--

- [Dale] I wouldn't say all your faculty--

- [Phil] Well, I mean, I have a few more that I'm losing, but you know. I'm not a sociopath or anything yet, so that's good. But no, so yeah. I mean, I've come out pretty good. Like in regards to like, I know guys that have one leg. I know guys that can't be friends with people anymore. Like can't like talk to anybody, have terrible relationships with their wives and you know, their kids. I know guys that have really struggled, so I've been fortunate. I would go back. I wouldn't go back now being a parent. But if I do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I would not change a single thing. I'd go back right now. Do it again. You know? I mean, I think anybody would.

- [Soldier] Hey, take him outta here. Get him the fuck outta here. Get him outta here. Hey, get him outta here.

- [Robert] After buzz was diagnosed with ALS, they started rapid assessments and those kind of things like that. So he was told he had to come down here to Atlanta, to the Emory Brain Center. And he says, "I think they're just trying to make me comfortable." So, cause he's been stuck in a wheelchair now for a couple of months, ever since he had his dizzy spell and stroke. And um, haven't seen him since all this has happened. So I don't know what to expect at this point, but basically here to be here to support him and help him get through this time. I guess it's one uh, yep. Can you hold that for me? We met in 97. He saw me leave in 2003 for the initial invasion. And he's like," nah, man, we are too good of friends." He wasn't gonna let that happen. So he ran down and he signed up and they took him in the national guard. Cause at that time I would've guessed, he was probably 44, maybe 45. And then we was back and forth. I'd go to Iraq and then he'd go to Iraq. I'd go to Afghanistan. He'd go to Afghanistan. It wasn't until this last one that we ran into each other. So we got back in 2011 and from 2011 to now, it's just been a degenerative process, you know, those kind of things. And so, taking five or six years, I guess, for that to really manifest itself to this point. Hey, Buzzard. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You got it. We'll just pull up to the front and we'll come get your stuff, and then wheel your lazy butt up the stairs with the or with the elevator.

- [Kathy] Got it.

- [Robert] Yep.

- [Buzz] Thank you very much.

- [Kathy] I think that was the biggest shock. You know, when these guys came back from overseas, their deployments. Is the difference in them physically. You know, it was just, something was different. But to see somebody like Buzz, who's done all this, you know, he's always been strong and he wasn't able to do things. Then he got the diagnosis of ALS and it was service related. And I was just like, "no way." And now what?

- [Robert] Hm.

- [Kathy] A lot of things have, we've changed gears after Buzz's diagnosis. And we were talking about how time just changes and how things happen. And it's like, no. We need to spend time together.

- [Buzz] You just never know what's going to come.

- [Robert] Yep. That's it. That's it.

- [Buzz] Five days behind on taking them shots, so.

- [Robert] Five days behind, what?

- [Buzz] Yeah. So.

- [Robert] Gotta be more on time with that.

- [Buzz] That should help. I know it. I know it. This didn't work out and I can't turn to give it to myself anymore. So, had to wait till I had some meds.

- [Robert] You was giving yourself shots before?

- [Buzz] No.

- [Robert] Oh.

- [Buzz] Caregiver.

- [Robert] Well, I can give it to you in your shoulder?

- [Buzz] It don't matter. You can give it to me in the shoulder.

- [Robert] Yeah. Cause you got enough muscle there left.

- [Buzz] I took 'EM in the rear the last time.

- [Robert] I see. All your preference.

- [Buzz] All right.

- [Robert] I can't believe they didn't give him no alcohol.

- [Buzz] Since we're in the room we're taking a raise the hands who wants to see it in the rear? All right. Ready?

- [Robert] Sure.

- [Buzz] Get this over with then. See the medic at work.

- [Robert] All right. Do you want your B12 in your arm or in your butt?

- [Buzz] No. You do 'EM both. One side, one in the other.

- [Robert] All right. You wanna hold on the wall?

- [Buzz] I do.

- [Robert] All right.

- [Buzz] I can take the weight off of this one.

- [Robert] You got it. Boop. Little bit of poke. Pow!

- [Buzz] Didn't feel it.

- [Robert] Good. And you're almost--

- [Buzz] Haven't lost your touch yet.

- [Robert] Nope. You are done with this one. Standby.

- [Buzz] That was quick.

- [Robert] Yeah.

- [Buzz] The other one might be a little harder.

- [Robert] All right. Let me put --

- [Buzz] One is a little harder than the other one.

- [Robert] these two together. You want this in the other butt cheek?

- [Buzz] Yeah.

- [Robert] All right. Pull this side up then.

- [Buzz] Heck no. Put 'EM both down. Get aired out here.

- [Robert] All right, my friend. Doo doo. There you go.

- [Buzz] Got that?

- [Robert] Yep.

- [Buzz] Sure it's all the way?

- [Robert] Yep.

- [Buzz] That goes in a little hard.

- [Robert] It does a little bit more thick, huh?

- [Buzz' Yep.

- [Robert] You ain't kidding about being thick of this small needle.

- [Kathy] We're going to have to have him teach us how to give shots.

- [Robert] There you go buddy. You're all set.

- [Buzz] All right. My body starts to collapse and I get, what I call monsters in my legs, When I go to bed because I get stiff. That's hard for her to get me up because when she puts my legs one way, my body wants to fall the other way. But eventually we get it worked out and then I get up and go to the bathroom. I'm a fighter. It's um, just say that I had a fight in some wars and now I'm fighting the worst fight of my life and I ain't giving up. Even when I had to crawl the door to let the EMS in the other day to pick me up off the floor. crawled around down the hallway from the bathroom--

- [Robert] And that's with that arm too, huh?

- [Buzz] Leaned up and unlocked it. Good thing I got long arms.

- [Robert] And you're luck they didn't hit you in the head pushing it.

- [Daisy] I feel like I can't do anything.

- [Kathy] I know.

- [Buzz] Not like I'm dying and gave the wrong address. They're getting the old address. So they were looking for me all over probably about three minutes later,

- [Kathy] At least he's not home alone, you know.

- [Daisy] Yeah, that's true. [Kathy] Got friends taking care of him. I figured I better call back to what's wrong. They said, "hey, we can't find ya." And look and I said, "what did I give you?" And they told me, I looked at the phone. I said, "Nope, this is it." It is what it is but I'm so happy you guys came.

- [Robert] So if you start wheeling, you could probably make it to Clarksville probably in about four months. Pretty much. Matter of fact--

- [Robert] When you get tired--

- [Robert] just turn around and go backwards.

- [Buzz] Matter of fact, if I put on a pair of sexy shorts, I might get a ride.

- [Robert] You might, you might! Put your leg there.

- [Buzz] Like some big-- good leg up there--

- burly truck driver, probably.

- [Robert] Long as you promise to wear a Speedo. I'm sure.

- [Buzz] We got a tree. Something like that. It's not as big yet--

- [Robert] It's a Magnolia.

- But I like them. Yeah, Magnolia. I love it. It's like,

- [Robert] It flowers?

- [Buzz] two or three times a year it'll bloom and it's really beautiful.

- [Robert] Yep.

- [Kathy] It's gorgeous.

- [Buzz] Hoping and praying he don't have what I have.

- [Robert] I'll let it ride for a while and see where things go. Progression is, as long as I continue moving it holds steady. Like we talked about today, getting out here and doing this stuff, I'll get wiped out tonight, but there's no other options in my mind. Getting a diagnosis is also kind of like a, what's the word I'm looking for? It's kind of a non-issue for me because whatever it's gonna require, I'm not sure that I'm gonna do kind of thing like that now. And in his situation and what I've researched, you know, there isn't anything to do. There's comfort measures and things like that. And so I'm already at those comfort measures, if that's really what it is. So I'm in that damned if you do damned if you don't situation. I'll go forward as long as she can take care of it and that kind of stuff like that, and we work it out together. So we'll let him be the squad leader--

- [Buzz] I'm more-- and go full force into it.

- I'm more of a simple guy, you know? He's the one with all them high tech words.

- [Robert] Yeah, I know. It's just cause I've seen what the other side of this--

- [Buzz] I know it, I know it.

- [Robert] brings. Having to take care of guys like this for so long and stuff like that. It's not a desire to work towards that. Like he said, I mean, it sounds fatalistic in words, but we're gonna die of something, I'd rather just kind of go without the knowledge If there is something or it could be something as simple as I got stenosis, but that's not what they're saying.

- [Buzz] I'm the opposite. I like to know how much time we got.

- [Robert] Yeah. Obviously.

- [Buzz] That way I can knock out my bucket list.

- [Robert] Yeah. Well then let's live for today, right? That's right.

- [Robert] So yeah.

- [Buzz] All gotta face it one day.

- [Robert] Yep. All right. Ready to boogie? We'll get you on up there man.

- [Buzz] Gotta make sure he don't have it so he can take care of these two lovely ladies while I'm gone.

- [Robert] Vroom! Here we go.

- [Buzz] Here we go, buddy.

- Wheelie time.

- [Robert] Wheelie time. All right. Let's make our way back cause we got about a mile back, innit?

- [Buzz] Yep.

- [Robert] Whoo!

- [Buzz] Catch me if you can.

- [Robert] That's it.

- It's too small. [CJ] Stop! It's my hat.

- [Kristina] So Ar, three piece chicken tenders combo?

- [Ar] Yes!

- [Kristina] Score. It's only five bucks. What do you want to drink?

- [CJ] Thank you for my hat back.

- [Ar] I would like,

- [CJ] I would like!

- [Kristina] CJ. You're interrupting.

- [Ar] Pink lemonade.

- [Kristina] 'Kay.

- [Ar] CJ, remember you like the pink lemonade if you wanted to trade. I got through the yellow and you got the pink.

- [CJ] What if I wanted Sprite?

- [Kristina] How about pink lemonade?

- [CJ] Pink lemonade.

- [Kristina] 'Kay.

- [CJ] Jesus loves me, yes I know. Cause the bible tells me so.

- [Kristina] Hey, guys.

- [Ar] Yeah?

- [Kristina] Listen carefully.

- [Ar] Yeah.

- [Kristina] You're gonna eat on the way home. When we get home, showers, pajamas, bed. Got it?

- [Ar] I'm already in my pajamas.

- [Kristina] No. You have to shower and put on clean ones.

- [Ar] Okay.

- [Kristina] Pick a number between one and 20, wait a second. Okay. Go.

- [Ar] 17.

- [Kristina] Nope. CJ?

- [CJ] Um... 12!

- [Kristina] Nope. Ar?

- [Ar] 13.

- [Kristina] Nope. CJ?

- [CJ] 29.

- [Kristina] I said one and 20, between one and 20, son.

- [Ar] Four!

- [Kristina] No! CJ?

- [CJ] 14!

- [Kristina] Yep!

- [Ar] No!

- [Kristina] CJ. Do you wanna go first or second?

- [CJ] Second.

- [Kristina] Okay. [Kristina] Where's your fuckin' pillows? No. Like your actual pillows?

- [CJ] I don't have no pillows.

- [Kristina] Yes. You do have pillows. I don't know what you've done with them. Stop! That's why your bed is broken.

- [CJ] It's not!

- [Kristina] Why are you sleeping sideways?

- [CJ] Because I like sleeping sideways.

- [Kristina] Just go to sleep. You want the super soft one first, right?

- [CJ] Yes.

- [Kristina] Hold on, hold on. I gotta fix it. Let go. I gotta fix it.

- [CJ] Oh, come on! You just wanted to throw it over my head.

- [Kristina] You want this one too?

- [CJ] Yes. Oh, hi Spartan.

- [Kristina] You want Spartan too?

- [CJ] Yes. He's all yours. [Kristina] He can follow you around for a while.

- [CJ] Night.

- [Kristina] Night. You stay. Stay.

- [CJ] Stay.

- [Kristina] He's like, "but I don't wanna." [Kristina] Sometimes it's very alone. I feel lonely a lot. Cause I still feel like I can't relate to people a lot of the time, so. So a lot of my interactions with people are very surface. Very like, I joke around a lot and stuff like that. I don't have very many people that I'll sit and have a deep-seated conversation with. Because I feel like when I do that, I will get really, really annoyed. And then every once in a while, like I'll just have like a little breakdown. Happens very randomly. And then like, I'll actually like talk about something that's really bothering me, and the looks I get, it's just like. Like they don't know what to say. They don't know, cause that's like, when I do that, they're like, "oh wow. She's actually got some serious shit on her mind." And nobody really knows how to take it. So I pretty much just keep a lot of stuff to myself. And then I write poetry, that helps some. And then my kids, my kids help me more than anything. Like if it wasn't for them, I'm not sure I'd still be around. I've been through some dark times. And then there's him. But... yeah, you can only feel alone for so long before it. So I think that's why I try to stay busy. So, and, all everybody sees or wants to see is, oh, you're just so tough. You're so strong. And I'm like, "I mean, it's not a fucking choice." Like you have to live your life. I mean I have kids, they look up to me. I wanna teach 'EM some good shit.

- [Jean] No. No! Okay. We're all set.

- [Stevie] On the next Friday I got angry so I had a kid was gonna knock me over, so it just did just with my stick.

- [Jean] with the hockey stick?

- [Stevie] Yeah.

- [Jean] You're not supposed to hit anybody with a stick though, right?

- [Stevie] Yeah. I hit him on a helmet.

- [Jean] You're not supposed to though, right?

- [Stevie] Yeah. He made me cry.

- [Jean] That's a penalty right? Did you get a penalty?

- [Stevie] No. No! It's just practice for hockey.

- [Stevie] It's just practice! Just kids hockey practice.

- [Jean] Even if you practice and you raise your stick, that's a penalty.

- [Stevie] Yeah. But we don't get penalty.

- [Jean] Oh you don't get penalty?

- [Stevie] Yeah. Cause we're just kids!

- [Jean] Ah, but kids learn don't they?

- [Stevie] Yeah

- [Jean] So when you play real hockey. You gotta know that a high stick is a penalty, right?

- [Stevie] Yes!

- [Jean] Okay. Wow!

- [Woman] Hi, Scarlet.

- [Scarlet] I love you.

- [Phil] JD Salinger wrote that book after world war II, right? And he was like, he was in uh, he was in Normandy, I believe. like serious, like heavy combat. I don't think JD Salinger wrote that about adolescence. I do think he wrote that about his own like mental health and his own wellbeing and also his own view of how he is coming home from Normandy. So in the book, Holden Caulfield pretty much dislikes everybody. Right? He just doesn't like anyone and it's kind of, you kind of see a lot of that in me. But I also see a lot of that in, my buddies are like that and a lot of guys are like that. And they're angry and they're just, they only like certain people, certain people that they know. Right? And so, he asked, Holden Caulfield is asking that book, like, what does he want out of his, you know, whatever his future. And he says, he wants to be in a field. Right? And he wants to, there's a cliff. And he wants to be the guy in the field who keeps all the kids away from the cliff. Right? Cause he wants to keep them close, you know? And that's kind of the premise of his story of who he wants to be. I don't think he's writing about, some made up kid. He's writing about like adjusting, coming back from the war and adjusting, dealing with people. Putting, being in circumstances he doesn't like, and he doesn't appreciate. And for some reason, realizes there's something wrong with him and doesn't know why. And he doesn't like that. And that's why he makes Holden Caulfield so confrontational. No one likes to be like that, right? Like you just don't realize it until you're like, "damn." Like, this is, I'm like this. That's what happened to me. I read that book and I was like, "shit. I'm like that!" Like, I don't like this person. I don't like that person. I like these people. I don't like them. I don't like anybody. You know what I mean? And you're like, "well, who do you like?" Like, well, I don't know. I like my buddies, right? Of every, that doesn't matter heir religion, doesn't matter. Their ethnicity, doesn't matter. Right? Like I like those guys! I just don't like anyone else. But I also feel comfortable.

- [Stevie] Dad?

- [Phil] Yeah?

- [Phil] No, you can not. Only one person or nanny's gonna kill somebody. Do you want nanny to kill you?

- [Stevie] No.

- [Phil] I didn't think so. What? That's how he recognizes it. He knows I'm messing around. [Stevie] Shut up.

- [Phil] Don't tell me to shut up, ever.

- [Stevie] Okay.

- [Woman] Thank you.

- [Phil] I think I'm my father's son as much as it.

- [Dale] Oh, sorry about that, Phil.

- [Phil] That's a--

- [Dale] Oh, geez.

- Yeah. I know. I know.

- [Woman] Walk us out, Phil?

- [Phil] I'll walk you out.

- [Woman] All right.

- [Phil] Here's you're-- [Woman] It's nice to see you.

- [Phil] Here's you're-- Here's your stuff for Christmas.

- [Kristina] I don't even know how to explain it. I was miserable. It was for two days straight and I was like, "I can't legitimately can't function like this." I can't go to work. I can't take care of my children properly. I can't do any of it. So that's when I finally called and was like, "something's wrong and I need to come in." And then that's when I finally answered all of the questions honestly, and went and had the assessment. And I cried the whole time with everybody that assessed me. I was like, I'd been holding that in for like six fuckin' years, that's a long time. And they turned different things to try medication. Didn't like that. Six months into medication. I didn't have any emotion, any affect. Like my kid could have dumped a gallon of milk on the floor. Like "eh, Big Daddy that shit, throw a newspaper over it. I don't care." So I weaned myself off of medication. I made the gym a priority, cause I realized that if I could actually go on a regular basis, for the most part, my brain was okay. My mind was okay. It wasn't good, still not good. It still doesn't like, I still have really hard times, but I've learned how to cope between the counseling and the working out. And then it was the dealing with the, I guess Muslim racism. It was okay. Cause I was like, "I'm extremely uncomfortable when I see Muslims. When I see people wearing the hijab when I, all of that. Like I still think." And if I be damned if I'm in a crowded spot and I see some folks dressed like that, cause I'm really gonna probably get pretty pissed. So, then it was a okay, now that you know that it's a problem, try to, you know, work on it. So it was, basically everything I was doing to try to remain comfortable, which obviously was not keeping me comfortable. Cause I was still not okay. She's like, "all right, we're breaking through every comfort zone. You ain't gotta do it all today, but it's all gonna get addressed." And I was like, "okay." To me, that was a big deal because I did come back a racist asshole. A little bit.

- [Ar] Hello, mommy.

- Hello.

- [Kristina] I finally got some RSVPs and I took you off of my iCloud. So you can't see my phone calls and call and wake me up. Brat. Whoa, whoa. Careful.

- [Ar] The cake is so cute.

- [Kristina] Oh good. They spelled our name wrong. Oh, I love it!

- [Ar] They spelled my name right.

- [Charles] Watch out, it'll bend.

- [Kristina] Okay. Are you gonna make it?

- [Charles] I'm gonna try. I gotta go to work.

- [Kristina] Well, if you get off later, you can still come down. Cause we're gonna, the pool's open until midnight.

- [Charles] Who's all staying the night?

- [Kristina] I don't know, far more children than I was expecting. I've got three hours of sleep today. [Kristina] Go check it out. Oh!

- [Ar] Danielle bought the same exact set for the girls.

- [Kristina] Really?

- [Ar] And they lost all the earrings and they lost like half of them and then they put them on that--

- [Kristina] Well, you said you wanted dangly ones and those have dangly ones.

- [Ar] Oh, Hailey has the same exact one.

- [Kristina] I know. I, and you liked them. So I got them for you. Yeah!

- [Ar] I like them.

- [Kristina] I'm glad. Did you like your eyeshadow palettes?

- [Ar] Yes.

- [Kristina] So much glitter!

- [Ar] Oh, perfume.

- [Kristina] Yeah, smell it. I'm gonna borrow it.

- [Ar] Oh. It smells good. I'm staying organized.

- [Kristina] I'm so proud of you. You're far better at that than I am. I would not suggest wearing dangly earrings to the pool party.

- [Ar] I know. I'm just putting them on right now.

- [Kristina] Okay.

- [Ar] Oh, I like these earrings.

- [Phil] Let me see those cards, actually. Uncle Andrew gave you my hockey cards. Yeah, little fucker. He gave you my hockey cards.

- [Stevie] Nope. They're mine now!

- [Phil] These are all mine!

- [Stevie] Nope. They're mind now.

- [Phil] I don't care. Yeah. That's fine. Let me see them all. Bring 'EM over here. Let's look at these. Bring 'EM over, bud. Dude. Stop yelling though. Jesus. You don't have to yell. Let me see these. Come here. Come here.

- [Stevie] Can I sit right here?

- [Phil] Yeah, sure. Let me see. This guy was a good hockey player. It's got Patrick O'Rourke. He's was a good goalie.

- [Stevie] Who was the goalkeeper?

- [Phil] He...

- [Stevie] I wanna see a goalkeeper.

- [Phil] He's right there.

- [Stevie] Goalkeeper!

- [Phil] Goalie. They don't use goalkeeper anymore, bud. Let me see. See. Let me see.

- [Stevie] Keeper of the goal.

- [Phil] Yep. Let me see.

- [Stevie] Goalkeeper.

- [Phil] Uh, Kurt McLean. He sucked. Joe Juno. He was good. He was really good. Adam Motz too. He was good.

- [Stevie] He?

- [Phil] Yeah, he was good.

- [Stevie] Who did you say sucked?

- [Phil] Doug Wilson. He was good. No, don't say that, please. God. Wayne Gretzky. He was good. Hey Steven. Hey Steven, can you leave that alone please? Brent Ashton. I remember him. Let me see. Let me see. What's so fun, I don't know. What's so funny about that. There's nothing... there's nothing funny about that. Oh yeah. All three of them are a row. Yeah.

- [Stevie] Look, all three of them--

- [Phil] That's great, dude.

- [Stevie] Are in a row.

- [Phil] My patience is at an absolute zero.

- [Stevie] You're a zero.

- [Phil] You're a zero.

- [Stevie] You're a zero. You're a crazy underpants.

- [Phil] Let's see who else we got.

- [Kathy] We almost don't wanna know what's going on with him. And on the other hand, maybe it's fixable or stoppable or we can slow it down. Though, now it's less, we're in this limbo. It's like, we don't know... what to expect.

- [Robert] I just, I told you, I'd call you after that nerve conduction study and um. No definitive results because he, he sees everything that the other doc did, but his, he doesn't see the part that I was most worried about, which was the demyelination. You know, like the nerve agent exposure kind of thing. He doesn't see that, but he sees everything else. And so he is, he took a lot of blood today, got like six vials drawn. He's looking at the heavy metal toxins. I'm taking ALS off the table for now. We're still left without a diagnosis as to what it is. Cause he says, I see, first thing he said when he came in is, "yeah, you've got all these slowed reflexes. I don't know why." Compression of your spinal column is definitely there, but that wouldn't cause this, so we're still left in that. And that's when he said we can look at toxic neuropathy by drawing your blood and doing some other tests. And that's what he did today. And I have to wait on the results for that to see, you know, what that might have been, but that's still left to be determined so.

- [Buzz] I got you. You're getting somewhere.

- [Robert] Yep. You know, one step forward is always a good step, you know --

- [Buzz] That's right.

- [Robert] -- rather than taking two steps backwards. So still dealing with not being able to do the PT and stuff like that without coming away, you know like muscle failure. But I'm still gonna do my walks every day.

- [Buzz] Yeah, do your walks man. Stay away from running. It's not good for your hips, your back, or your knees.

- [Robert] Nah. Yeah, really?

- [Buzz] Well, keep your walks going. Just put Kathy out in front of you a few feet and she'll try and catch you, all right?

- [Robert] That's right.

- [Robert] So how's things going with you buddy? Everything's still good?

- [Buzz] Yeah, everything about the same, brother. Nothing's changed.

- [Robert] All right brother. Well then I'm gonna let you go and then we'll keep in contact. All right, love you buddy.

- [Buzz] Give everybody a hug for me I love you guys.

- [Robert] Love you too, buddy. Talk, I'll catch you later.

- [Buzz] All right.

- [Robert] Bye.

- [Robert] Those of all faiths, you know, commit suicide and why it happens, I don't know. Being on 911, every time it's a soldier. It hits home. You cannot, you can't process that because they never show anything. You know, there are all these, the supposedly telltale signs, you know, they're gonna hand away all their prized possessions. None of these guys seem to have done that. Everybody has said the same thing. That surprised them. It wasn't that guy. We never would've thought it would've been him. We're thinking, I would never do something like that. But say you were probably the same ones that say that same thing. If it happened to them, can it happen to me? And so you start putting guards in place. You'd never trust yourself, I guess is where that kind of boils down to.

- [Kathy] He only has so much time to enjoy. We'll be walking and, I'll have to slow down. Cause usually I was the one running to keep up with him. Now it's like, I'll be walking. I was like, "oh, okay, I'm going too fast." I'll slow down. He's the one who's always taking care of everybody. You know, the old adage, "doctor heal thyself," cause doctors make the worst patients. It's right along lines, cause he's used to taking care of everybody else and being in control and watching and. I'm prepared for all of that. But right now it's just playing a game of time. And how much time do we have to go see the kids, to go see things that we've always wanted to see. To go out and play.

- [Robert] Watching my friend is a kind of a foreshadowing to see. Again, a guy that, he and I used to run all the time. I was not a fast runner, but I was a long distance runner. Now I can barely make it up the hill. And that's only in two years, three years, you know? It doesn't make any sense. When we were in Iraq in the first war. We know we were crossing over into in chemically contaminated areas. They told us, don't shuffle your feet. But we weren't prepared for it because you know, that's just how the battle progresses. You hit an area. Suddenly somebody goes, "Hey, the Chemical NCO says this stuff is this gas or this nerve agent or this or that." So we just continue the battles that way, we gotta keep going. You don't stop and think about it. So you just put on a little dust mask or you put your gas mask on, you walk through it and you keep going. And then tie that in with all the burn pits, you just cannot deny, with what we had going on over there. I mean, everything was thrown into a burn pit, And the VA and the government is continuing to do their studies. It's now however many years later, but it was still going on when I left in 2011, you know, we were still burning everything. And you smelled that every day. Certainly in combat, you think, how am I gonna deal? If I lose a limb, how am I gonna deal if I see some of the traumatic brain injuries those guys have and those kind of things, how would I. So you deal with the physical aspects, but it's the long-term health effects that you can't prepare for. There's no conspiracy theory for me. And it isn't about, you know, what am I gonna be compensated with or anything. Has nothing to do with that. I need to know but I also don't want to know because I don't know that there's anything I'm gonna do about it. Every single person calls me wants my help. So I'm gonna give them the best help I can, but I'm not gonna call for that help because I cannot put my family or myself through that. So Kathy and I have had that discussion. Easy to be brave now. I'm hoping that braveness carries me through because Kathy's prepared the same way. I have no idea when I'm gonna die, but I have an idea when I think I'm no longer gonna be able to do anything.

- [Producer] Are you afraid of death?

- [Robert] I'm not afraid of death. No. I'm afraid of suffering. Yeah. I'll be honest and say, I don't want to suffer and that's why I've decided that it's not an option for me to go through long term healthcare. When I don't see anybody magically getting up off the bed after a pill or two. So for me, it's not about death. It's about quality and dignity of life.

- [Kristina] I left the ERs in March and came to long-term care. And I didn't think that I would ever like this line of work and turns out I really do. And I actually love it. I love that I have the time to care about my people. Like before, even in the ER setting, it was just, you know, and everybody's a number, but here I can actually take the time and learn people's life stories. And I wore it because you were gonna be here. Yeah, man! Wanna go to the Halloween party?

- [Patient] I've seen enough Halloweens in my life.

- [Kristina] But I love my job. Those are good things. Come with me and I'll mark something real quick.

- [Woman] Yeah.

- I've gotten a much better control over my PTSD. I feel like being so miserable at my other jobs had a huge effect on that. Like I was so depressed and so, just over it that it just made everything else worse. Now that that's better. That's better too. Far as my bad list goes prominently this week would be my back. I've been hurting so bad. And that's one of those things that just rears its ugly head periodically. And I've learned to live with it. I've learned to actually do a lot more than most people probably would in my situation. However, it's awful. Like... I'm too young to hurt this bad. So, and it affects everything. It makes everything else less enjoyable. So that's definitely at the top of my shit list at the moment, all together. I'm very feeling very lucky in my life right now. I mean, my kids definitely bring me joy, but it's also, they're eight and 11 and it's hard. Like I often feel like I fail as a parent and then I just try to rectify what I can for the time being. But I mean that like when I, when people tell me how well behaved my children are or how funny my children are or how awesome their personalities are, how smart they are, stuff like that. Those are like shining moments. That's like the top of my shining moment list. Like, all right, you're not doing too bad. We've got some good qualities coming out here. Yeah, she's pretty much it.

- [Phil] I graduated from Curry College in 2004. I took the history of Russia and the history of Germany in this room in my senior year. So I was here with you. I was in the same position you guys were in. Captain Sweeney asked me to come back here and do a lecture. I spent five years in the 101st Airborne Division. I was a medic in the Army. This is our Brigade symbol right here. This is a Tory. long story short, 101st is set to invade Japan. Japanese had never seen paratroops before. The Japanese said they looked like falling umbrellas. That is then translated into the Term, Rakkasans. At least the story that I've been told, is that the samurai who were going off the fight in the war would walk under the Tory and were not expected to come back. Right? They had passed every test and they were going off to their village and they would go under the Tory. And they knew when they passed that Tory, that the potential of them coming back was almost zero. So when I came home from Iraq, my uncle, he put in a lot of time talking to me about a lot of different things, right? Just adjusting to life as a normal human being coming home. He got a lot of phone calls in the middle of the night being like, "ah! I hate this place!" You know, like, he was really, he was a huge, huge part of that. One of the big things happened is I was not sleeping. So I go to the PA, I had a Physician's Assistant and I'm pretty much broken. Cause I've not slept and I'm starting to have violent nightmares. And my relationships are starting to deteriorate. My professionalism is starting to deteriorate and I don't know why. So I go to him and he starts going, he's like, "I've noticed some of your behavior." He's like, "what's going on with you?" And I kind of start getting into the, some of the other issues, you know, the this and that. And then the PTSD stuff. So we start going through like, what does your room look like? What is your, what do you do before you go to bed? And one of the things that he noticed was I had my laptop up and you guys, do you guys take pictures, put 'EM on your computer. And then you have your screensaver come here. Like, we did that when I was in college. And so I would have all these pictures from my hard drive from the deployment, right? Like IEDs blowing up and they would just be playing all day long and I would just see them randomly and not think anything of it. And the first thing I did was shut the computer off. And I had the first good night to sleep. And then things started to kind of correct themselves, but you see how quickly I could have deteriorated. Right?

- [Erin] He told me there's a lot of camaraderie amongst the medics and just a lot of humor. So. And he told me there's like, any regular army or any job at all, it's gonna suck a lot, but it's gonna be a lot of fun.

- [Producer] Do you talk about cost of deployments? You know, like nightmares and--

- [Erin] Yeah. That's something, he doesn't really talk about that very much. But I know that is something that I'll deal with, but it'll be worth it. It'll definitely be worth. Come on. It's very weird doing this on my own. And like, when I put the uniform on for the first time, that was strange looking in the mirror and I wasn't looking at my dad. I was like, "Brady is my name now." Like it's so weird. I'm Brady now. And it was really weird to hear a Drill Sergeant call me Brady. Like I'm having sergeants, like Brady, I need this from you. I'm like, "from me?" Not my dad. It's me. Definitely a weird feeling.

- [Robert] Everybody okay? Hey, listen up guys. We've been taking lots of casualties and we're getting ready to take some out right now to the MedEvac pad. And we've also had some incoming rounds. That's why we're dressed like this on the FOB. Just thought I'd let you know, since I left you an email last night, that kind of sounded a little strange because things are a little strange right now. So love you guys and I'll keep you posted as much as I can. We're getting ready to go take, fortunately, I have one KIA this morning and we're getting ready to take the wounded on up to the helipad right now. So I love you guys and I'll try to get you as much as I can. Take care.

- [Phil] The second deployment, the one thing that burns me is the eight year old girl that I had that died. That definitely left the mark. I could tell you everything about that incident what it looked like in that room. I could tell you the dress she was wearing, the socks she had on, the shoes she had on. They said, "Hey, it's a gunshot wound." So I get my medic hat on. I'm like, "yeah, here we go. Some good trauma that you have to work on" And I get over there. And I just, the first I hear is the screaming going on. Just that like guttural parent screaming when they know something's wrong. So I come around the corner and there's the Iraqi Army Captain. And he's sitting there with this girl's mother. And he essentially sees me. And he's like, "oh, doctor, doctor!" Which they didn't know that, I was just a medic, but. And now the emphasis is like, she's gonna be saved now. Like you're gonna... So I get in there and I find a 10 year old, an eight year old girl lying on a stretcher with a green army blanket over her, covering her completely. The guy says, "no, Mister. Baby, no, no." And I'm like, "what do you mean?" He like, "no. No more, no more. She's gone." And then I see the blanket move. So I'm like, "oh my God!" So I pull a blanket up and there's this girl lying there. She had a bullet hole in the back of her head. She's got both eyes are, her pupils are starting to dilate. Right? Shallow breathing. And I'm thinking let's intubate her. So I start to try to, I don't know what I was thinking. But I have an intubation kit with me and I'm like, "I'm gonna intubate this, this eight year old girl," Which makes no sense. Cause I don't have the skillset to intubate a child like that. And you have like a split second decision you have to make. And is this worth it? like is what I'm about to do to this child with almost zero medication. I don't have the proper drugs on me. I don't have the RSI sequence stuff on me right now. I don't have any of the tools that I need. I'm gonna rely on the Iraqi Army to hopefully have something, which it was unknown if they did or not. And I get to the head and I start to, I get the tongue blade out and I start to get in there. I put her head up and I look, and I just come to this realization that this is not the right thing to do here. Like you're not gonna help this kid. You're not going to. This is above your skill set. And so what, what can I do? What can I do now? The only you're gonna do is, do A, you're gonna put this child through much trauma and harm than she needs. So what are my options? My options are to let her go. So the Iraqi Army had them give her more morphine and slower heart rate down, slow breathing down. She ended up dying. Now I know outside the door is the mother and the family. Right? And I'm not a, you know, doctor, I'm not a... I don't have the skill set or the experience or training to deliver this kind of news. But it's inferred when I walk out there that there's nothing I can do here and that she's gone. And then the screaming continues. And it's just that like ear piercing screaming that you can't get away from. And I can still hear her screaming, you know? I can still hear it. Like I can still just like. Yeah. You don't really expect that. You don't really, that's not in a book. You can't like, no one can tell you how to handle that or what to do. I called the Aid Station and they were like, Brady's like, "yeah, man, that sucks." Like there's nothing he can tell you. There's nothing they can say. You know, you just watched an eight year old die. You essentially gave her morphine to shut her, to slow breathing down, shut her heart rate down. Like that's not, it's not the way it's supposed to be done. You know? Then you start to question yourself. Well, what if? Well, what if I had done that? What if I had intubated her, maintained that. maintain her airway, kept her alive till we get her to a MedEvac. We'll never know.

- [Phil] And I see a lot of that girl in my own kids. I just do. Like, I just watch 'EM when they're sleeping. You know, I see, I can still see her in my head. And I think about my kids now and what my daughter's into. And I imagine that's what she was into at that time too. And I couldn't respect that at the time. Cause at the time, I was a 25 year old kid who just thought like, "this is Iraq. this is what happens." You know? No big deal. But on the other side of that, there's an eight year old kid who is the playing with rocks in the driveway. And then something like this happens to her.

- [Robert] I don't know of any other way of life that I would rather have lived. I don't regret anything and I don't think she'll regret anything. I certainly fear for her physically. I have lived through some very close calls, but I've also seen some guys that haven't made it, that I've had to treat. That makes me wonder, you know, if that was me or if that was Erin. But again, knowing that, I'd still charge full headstrong into that. And I know every other medic that I've ever worked with is that same way. We don't think of that because it's about that other person. It's not about you.

- [Kristina] I write poems a lot. That's one of the ways I deal with things. I start thinking about like the lowest points when I just end up completely raw. And some of the stuff I wrote back then though was almost frightening. I don't think I actually wrote out all of it, but like I know I told my mom that I didn't wanna be here anymore.

- [Robert] Why're you trying to take it? You get cheese all over your face. Yes you do. Sometimes there's things you can't say, cause you don't know if you let go, if you can never get back, you just don't know if you can step back that, that time. You know? So what you do is you just of find the ability to breathe and focus on the things that are positive because the world is always full of negative, but you have a choice. You could have a choice to focus on positive or dredge on the negative. And it's the guys and the gals that can't get past the negative that you feel strongest for because when you're out here and you can't think on the positive. You have moments like this that will happen, but it's the ability to keep it from overwhelming you and get back to the positive and get back to laughing and get back to cutting up. Those are the gallows humors. You gotta poke fun at some of the things you do. You gotta be able to laugh at yourself a lot. Cause if you don't, you're gonna burn up. It's gonna burn you up from the inside out and maybe do the unthinkable. And that's not acceptable, not acceptable.

- [Kristina] I wish my memories were different that they were not filled with pain. I look back with impossible hopes that those horrible things might change. I lose myself for a moment and feel my broken soul. I snap back to reality and I will never again be whole.

- [Erin] I think it'll be hard for dad. I can already see it like pushing on him a little bit. He wants to prepare me, but he can't. And like that's annoying to him, cause he just wants to be able to tell me exactly what's gonna happen. Prepare me as much as he can. But he is just gonna like, once I'm gone.

- [Phil] I wish that there was something I could turn around and say like, "oh I got to be there for the last..." That's all horseshit. I don't really support any of that. It was just a, a very bad situation that got worse. And thankfully, I like to think she died in some kind of, you know, peace and comfort. Enough morphine anyone will die in peace and comfort, I guess so. But yeah, it's.

- [Kristina] With each loss this life has brought me. Pieces of me went to. Yet somehow I'm here with still so much to do. Each hard hitting blow dropped me to the ground. Eventually I learned to deal and my smile was once again found. Yes, we can be broken. Shattered in complete disarray, but still managed to make it and walk through every day. Lost, sad, and hopeless. Once a shattered girl, evolved into strength, willing to fight the world. Learning to be thankful for these blows is a true test of will. Once this is accomplished, the glass begins to fill.

- [Phil] I think the worst you can do is become numb to your own experiences. People say, you know, you gotta let it go. And I'm like, "you know what? I don't know. I don't think you let that go. I think you keep that with you." You know, she's kind of, Kind of part of who I am. Not who I am, but I don't know. I'll run into her again, I think. At some point. You never really get away from that. You know, you don't really. I'll wear that one with me for a long time. Oh look at me. Look at me!

- [Kristina] Fortified and solid, she found a way to live with all that has been taken. Her life goal is to give, give hope, love, and compassion. Give what so many will not because she knows how it feels to lose everything you've got. She seeks out the broken souls that are at their lowest low. She wants to breathe in life. She wants them to find hope. Sorry. That was rough.

- [Phil] Yeah. I mean, I've come to terms with what happened. I think I've come to the realization that There's not much I could do. You know? And maybe, I hope she understood that. You know, maybe she didn't, maybe she's angry at me. I don't know. But you know, I haven't seen her in any dreams lately, so I guess I'll have to wait to ask her then.