00:00.710 --> 00:03.776
[Child Singing] ♪ Mary and
John, sitting in a tree, ♪

00:03.776 --> 00:06.705
♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G. ♪

00:06.705 --> 00:09.563
♪ First comes love, then comes marriage, ♪

00:09.563 --> 00:12.348
♪ then comes the baby
in the baby carriage. ♪

00:12.348 --> 00:15.042
(echoing) ♪ Then comes the
baby in the baby carriage. ♪

00:15.042 --> 00:16.800
[Therese VO] Motherhood is an institution

00:16.800 --> 00:19.620
so deeply ingrained in our society,

00:19.620 --> 00:21.730
that we take it for granted as part

00:21.730 --> 00:24.147
of the natural order of life.

00:26.734 --> 00:28.785
It's our biological destiny.

00:29.640 --> 00:32.493
The culmination of our female journey.

00:32.493 --> 00:35.052
(Piano music: Prelude 1, by J.S. Bach)

00:35.052 --> 00:36.591
(baby yawning)

00:37.568 --> 00:39.260
From the time we're little,

00:39.260 --> 00:41.573
it's expected that we'll
all have children...

00:45.212 --> 00:47.912
and that we're selfish if we don't.

00:48.830 --> 00:50.770
Well, that's what makes a
grownup woman, isn't it?

00:50.770 --> 00:52.800
Making love, having a baby.

00:52.800 --> 00:55.633
It's not learning math or
writing an English composition.

00:58.230 --> 01:01.173
[Therese VO] I could not
wait to get my period.

01:02.079 --> 01:04.662
(bright music)

01:06.050 --> 01:09.050
My health teacher sold
menstruation as a gift,

01:09.050 --> 01:11.730
the entree to a special club

01:11.730 --> 01:13.130
that would make the cramping

01:13.130 --> 01:15.493
and bleeding totally worth it.

01:16.530 --> 01:18.020
But once it arrived...

01:19.686 --> 01:21.688
No! Oh no!

01:21.688 --> 01:23.029
(ominous music)

01:23.029 --> 01:24.130
You're a woman now.

01:24.130 --> 01:27.000
You're a woman now, do you
have any idea what that means?

01:27.000 --> 01:29.263
You're a woman now, you could have a baby!

01:31.731 --> 01:34.440
So you see, menstruation
is just the natural

01:34.440 --> 01:36.993
normal process leading
up to being a mother.

01:38.390 --> 01:39.450
[Therese VO] I've known since high school

01:39.450 --> 01:41.863
that I did not want to be a mother.

01:43.018 --> 01:46.100
At one point you just
declared that if I ever want

01:46.100 --> 01:49.010
to have grandchildren, you
said, look at your sister.

01:49.010 --> 01:50.340
Don't look at me.

01:50.340 --> 01:52.023
So I got the message.

01:54.000 --> 01:56.500
[Therese VO] Although my
family never pressured me,

01:57.700 --> 02:00.853
I still felt this expectation
to become a mother.

02:05.839 --> 02:08.756
(people screaming)

02:14.200 --> 02:15.770
What does it mean to live in a world

02:15.770 --> 02:17.793
where motherhood is our destiny?

02:21.310 --> 02:24.205
And what happens if we say no?

02:25.215 --> 02:28.415
(bright music)

02:28.415 --> 02:31.356
(loud flapping of wings)

02:41.580 --> 02:45.340
Nobody doesn't want kids.
People can not want kids.

02:45.340 --> 02:47.233
It's a thing.
That is not a thing.

02:48.090 --> 02:50.380
Well, it's my thing.

02:50.380 --> 02:52.290
I didn't really ever want kids,

02:52.290 --> 02:55.260
but I always assumed I would have them.

02:55.260 --> 02:58.160
I kept asking myself, is
this gonna happen to me?

02:58.160 --> 02:59.717
Does it have to happen?

02:59.717 --> 03:02.250
I acted like it was gonna
be this inevitable fate.

03:02.250 --> 03:05.453
When I first graduated from
college, I bought a house,

03:05.453 --> 03:08.304
and I was like, okay, I'm
gonna buy this house now

03:08.304 --> 03:09.803
for my kids to live in.

03:09.803 --> 03:10.960
I didn't even know where I got that from,

03:10.960 --> 03:12.780
but I was like, oh, yo,
I'm gonna buy this house

03:12.780 --> 03:13.987
for my kids to live in.

03:13.987 --> 03:15.255
And my husband.

03:16.515 --> 03:21.515
(street sounds)

03:22.710 --> 03:23.780
Out of all my friends,

03:23.780 --> 03:25.740
I basically am one of the only ones

03:25.740 --> 03:27.296
who does not have a child.

03:29.690 --> 03:30.750
As a woman of color,

03:30.750 --> 03:32.257
you're expected to be, you know,

03:32.257 --> 03:34.780
the caregiver extraordinaire,

03:34.780 --> 03:36.590
like somebody's nanny or somebody

03:36.590 --> 03:39.103
who's just naturally maternalistic.

03:40.100 --> 03:42.263
Been very clear in my
serious relationships

03:42.263 --> 03:45.391
very early on that I do not want children.

03:45.391 --> 03:46.832
In some cases, I think people feel

03:46.832 --> 03:48.440
that they will change my mind later.

03:49.460 --> 03:51.410
They're certainly more than
welcome to have that opinion,

03:51.410 --> 03:52.723
but at their own peril.

03:58.050 --> 04:01.720
You come across a man whose
biological clock is ticking,

04:01.720 --> 04:03.620
because literally, you know,

04:03.620 --> 04:05.090
once he does the initial,

04:05.090 --> 04:07.970
the preliminary assessment
of are you attractive?

04:07.970 --> 04:09.120
Do I want to have sex with you?

04:09.120 --> 04:12.014
Then it's like, would
you be a suitable vessel?

04:12.014 --> 04:13.885
(she laughs) You can
just see it, you know?

04:13.885 --> 04:15.416
You're just like, you're
like, hey, you know,

04:15.416 --> 04:17.390
my kid would have decent
cheekbones, be articulate,

04:17.390 --> 04:19.295
you're articulate, you're not round,

04:19.295 --> 04:21.210
you know, you're a decent
size, it's all good.

04:21.210 --> 04:22.873
You, vessel! come forth.

04:22.873 --> 04:24.564
(vessel clunks when put down)

04:26.831 --> 04:29.110
I think that people who are
obsessed with adding humans

04:29.110 --> 04:31.877
to the planet, given the
current state of the planet

04:31.877 --> 04:33.160
should, you know, think twice about that,

04:33.160 --> 04:36.023
before they pass judgment on
people who haven't done that.

04:40.575 --> 04:43.325
(water bubbling)

04:44.304 --> 04:46.070
One of the things my mother taught me,

04:46.070 --> 04:47.760
for which I'm immensely grateful,

04:47.760 --> 04:49.730
is to always ask questions,

04:49.730 --> 04:52.710
never take anything at face
value, and be independent.

04:52.710 --> 04:54.053
Be an independent thinker.

04:55.160 --> 04:57.903
It's basically, it's a
survival skill, you know?

05:04.480 --> 05:06.820
I do not want children, okay?

05:06.820 --> 05:08.553
Why can nobody accept this?

05:08.553 --> 05:09.870
Sweetie, you do not have
to decide right now.

05:09.870 --> 05:11.600
You still have plenty of time.

05:11.600 --> 05:13.720
I remained fertile till I was 56.

05:13.720 --> 05:14.553
Terrific.

05:16.597 --> 05:19.750
(car horns beeping)

05:19.750 --> 05:21.970
[Offscreen] There's a lot
more variety in our population

05:21.970 --> 05:23.670
than I think most of us know.

05:23.670 --> 05:26.030
The fact that many people
don't want to have children,

05:26.030 --> 05:28.593
and that it's common,
I know, 'cause I ask.

05:29.940 --> 05:31.656
[Therese VO] Dr. Bernadith Russell

05:31.656 --> 05:33.696
is my very supportive OB/GYN.

05:36.470 --> 05:38.432
Historically, I think
there were always women

05:38.432 --> 05:40.265
who didn't want to have children.

05:41.310 --> 05:45.010
The ability to control your
fertility was so limited,

05:45.010 --> 05:47.017
in order to not have children,

05:47.017 --> 05:49.690
it was making a commitment to celibacy.

05:51.550 --> 05:53.370
[Therese VO] Consider the
women we've historically

05:53.370 --> 05:58.080
called spinsters, old
maids, and cat ladies.

05:58.080 --> 06:01.310
The assumption was that
no man wanted them.

06:01.310 --> 06:04.193
But what if they stayed single on purpose?

06:06.630 --> 06:08.340
Before modern contraceptives,

06:08.340 --> 06:10.130
most women had little control

06:10.130 --> 06:12.790
over whether or not they had children.

06:12.790 --> 06:16.100
A woman's value was as a walking uterus,

06:16.100 --> 06:19.300
put on this earth to
birth and raise babies

06:19.300 --> 06:20.991
for her husband

06:20.991 --> 06:22.873
and her nation.

06:24.250 --> 06:28.000
Our wombs and what comes out of our wombs

06:28.000 --> 06:31.143
as women can be viewed as property.

06:32.240 --> 06:34.970
[Therese VO] None more
so than enslaved women

06:34.970 --> 06:36.450
who were raped by their owners

06:36.450 --> 06:39.120
and forced to bear their children,

06:39.120 --> 06:41.586
and then watch them be sold off.

06:46.450 --> 06:48.130
One of the big reasons that women

06:48.130 --> 06:52.240
were tried and executed as
witches in this continent

06:52.240 --> 06:55.570
had to do with the attempts
to control fertility.

06:55.570 --> 06:58.720
Women who worked as curanderas,

06:58.720 --> 07:01.930
women who worked as medicine women,

07:01.930 --> 07:05.390
they would use herbs to control fertility,

07:05.390 --> 07:10.063
different devices, timing, prayer, dance.

07:11.440 --> 07:13.830
Anything you could to try and, you know,

07:13.830 --> 07:15.430
take some control of this thing.

07:16.830 --> 07:18.930
[Therese VO] These methods were risky,

07:18.930 --> 07:21.490
but pregnancy was riskier.

07:21.490 --> 07:23.620
Giving birth was the number one killer

07:23.620 --> 07:26.333
of young women into the 1940s.

07:27.240 --> 07:31.040
In the 1950s, a new
contraceptive was tested on women

07:31.040 --> 07:34.420
in Puerto Rico, many of them
unaware of its experimental

07:34.420 --> 07:37.180
nature or dangerous side effects.

07:37.180 --> 07:41.263
The study was deeply tainted
by unethical testing protocols.

07:42.250 --> 07:44.680
It led to one of the biggest
medical breakthroughs

07:44.680 --> 07:46.083
of the 20th Century.

07:47.509 --> 07:48.726
♪ Mini skirts ♪

07:48.726 --> 07:49.932
♪ Hot pants ♪

07:49.932 --> 07:53.039
♪ And a few little fancy frills ♪

07:53.039 --> 07:55.741
♪ Yeah I'm making up for all those years ♪

07:55.741 --> 07:59.210
♪ Since I've got the pill ♪

07:59.210 --> 08:01.844
Creating the first generation of women

08:01.844 --> 08:05.211
with reliable control over
their reproductive choices.

08:06.180 --> 08:11.093
The pill became legal throughout
the United States in 1972.

08:12.853 --> 08:15.660
(upbeat music)

08:15.660 --> 08:17.311
Don't forget to take your pill.

08:17.311 --> 08:19.199
I won't!
I won't!

08:19.199 --> 08:24.199
(audience laughs)

08:24.230 --> 08:26.420
[Therese VO] Women could
live full sexual lives

08:26.420 --> 08:28.810
that didn't have to lead to motherhood

08:28.810 --> 08:30.653
and people were talking about it...

08:31.750 --> 08:33.693
and organizing around it.

08:35.020 --> 08:39.100
In 1971, Ellen Peck wrote
the groundbreaking book,

08:39.100 --> 08:41.160
The Baby Trap.

08:41.160 --> 08:44.149
The success of the book
led her and Shirley Radl

08:44.149 --> 08:47.720
to found the National
Organization for Non-Parents,

08:47.720 --> 08:50.453
in part to increase
awareness of overpopulation.

08:52.350 --> 08:53.300
[Mike Wallace offscreen]
The high priestess

08:53.300 --> 08:56.096
of the childfree movement is Ellen Peck,

08:56.096 --> 08:59.390
who put it all together in
her book, The Baby Trap.

08:59.390 --> 09:03.110
I see this as a movement that
is threatening to no one.

09:03.110 --> 09:05.250
There is no one who would not benefit

09:05.250 --> 09:08.190
from a greater trend toward
childfree lifestyles.

09:09.590 --> 09:11.860
[Offscreen] Ellen Peck was known.

09:11.860 --> 09:14.700
There were people all
over the United States

09:14.700 --> 09:17.853
that hungered to hear what she had to say.

09:18.810 --> 09:21.100
[Therese VO] Marcia Drut Davis
was there for the creation

09:21.100 --> 09:22.653
of the childfree movement.

09:23.850 --> 09:27.500
I was going to therapy to
try to find the maternal

09:27.500 --> 09:30.200
instinct that had not come out yet.

09:30.200 --> 09:32.120
I thought there was something wrong.

09:32.120 --> 09:34.932
Something genetically was wrong in me

09:34.932 --> 09:39.090
because I was denying
a biological destiny.

09:39.090 --> 09:42.240
Ellen Peck's book was the
first book I ever read,

09:42.240 --> 09:45.690
and the only book that I
ever could find at that time

09:45.690 --> 09:50.360
that talked about the right of
choosing not to have children

09:50.360 --> 09:52.943
and that it was a perfectly fine choice.

09:54.280 --> 09:55.970
I devoured it.

09:55.970 --> 09:57.270
[Mike Wallace] It's not a mere fad.

09:57.270 --> 10:00.570
It apparently answers some
deeply felt conviction.

10:00.570 --> 10:02.630
They're against people pollution.

10:02.630 --> 10:05.240
Some of them have even joined
an outfit called N.O.N,

10:05.240 --> 10:07.490
the National Organization of Non-Parents

10:07.490 --> 10:08.470
to spread the gospel.

10:08.470 --> 10:11.470
I was at the National
Organization for Non-Parents'

10:11.470 --> 10:12.910
first convention.

10:12.910 --> 10:15.200
Somebody came up to me
and whispered in my ear,

10:15.200 --> 10:19.180
I hear you're going to tell
your in-laws for the first time

10:19.180 --> 10:22.090
that you don't want to have children.

10:22.090 --> 10:25.070
And foolishly, I said, well, yeah.

10:25.070 --> 10:28.910
And she said, can 60 Minutes come?

10:28.910 --> 10:31.333
And can we listen to this conversation?

10:32.190 --> 10:34.598
And foolishly, I said...

10:34.598 --> 10:35.598
Yeah.

10:36.670 --> 10:38.100
When are you gonna have a baby?

10:38.100 --> 10:40.470
That without doubt is the
question young married

10:40.470 --> 10:41.780
couples hear most.

10:41.780 --> 10:44.427
After all, isn't that what the
American dream is all about?

10:44.427 --> 10:48.050
Before we were filmed, my
mother-in-law took me aside

10:48.050 --> 10:50.700
and said, what is it?

10:50.700 --> 10:55.400
What are you...are you a stripper?

10:55.400 --> 10:56.280
I said, no.

10:56.280 --> 10:59.620
She said, well, well wait,
are you an alcoholic?

10:59.620 --> 11:00.771
No.

11:00.771 --> 11:01.970
Are you a drug addict?

11:01.970 --> 11:02.803
No.

11:02.803 --> 11:04.410
Group sex?

11:04.410 --> 11:05.660
No, Mom!

11:05.660 --> 11:08.430
Well what could be so
awful that they're filming?

11:08.430 --> 11:10.093
Why is this a big deal?

11:10.093 --> 11:11.240
Why, what's going on?

11:11.240 --> 11:12.320
What are you going to tell us?

11:12.320 --> 11:14.720
I said, sit down.

11:14.720 --> 11:16.330
I don't think you're going to like it.

11:16.330 --> 11:17.990
[Mike Wallace] Marcia And Warren Rothstein

11:17.990 --> 11:21.110
wanted to explain their
decision not to have children

11:21.110 --> 11:22.800
to his parents.

11:22.800 --> 11:25.230
60 Minutes went along
as they broke the news.

11:25.230 --> 11:28.130
I love children, but for
years and years and years,

11:28.130 --> 11:30.035
this was something inside of me that said,

11:30.035 --> 11:33.910
I don't really think
I want to be a mother.

11:33.910 --> 11:34.870
And it bothered me.

11:34.870 --> 11:36.350
I thought, my God, Marcia,

11:36.350 --> 11:38.310
there's something wrong with you.

11:38.310 --> 11:39.660
You're not, you're not normal.

11:39.660 --> 11:42.610
But a lot of what was said was edited

11:42.610 --> 11:46.690
because 60 Minutes had a point of view.

11:46.690 --> 11:50.470
And my point of view did
not mesh with 60 Minutes.

11:50.470 --> 11:53.880
It's against all natural instincts,

11:53.880 --> 11:58.038
when two people get married,
for them not to have children.

11:58.038 --> 11:59.190
But if we don't reach that point,

11:59.190 --> 12:00.960
does that mean there's
something the matter with us

12:00.960 --> 12:02.360
or that Warren and I
don't love each other?

12:02.360 --> 12:03.610
Well, like Dad said,

12:03.610 --> 12:06.070
it may be that you have
a selfish attitude.

12:06.070 --> 12:09.087
We can live together and
we can be happy together,

12:09.087 --> 12:13.270
and we don't have to depend
on having love or whatever

12:13.270 --> 12:15.100
from a child to make our life happy.

12:15.100 --> 12:17.260
No.
Well, aren't you considering

12:17.260 --> 12:18.923
anything about your future?

12:20.270 --> 12:23.260
The last thing that Mike Wallace said...

12:23.260 --> 12:25.810
We trust you'll pardon our
perverseness in broadcasting

12:25.810 --> 12:28.103
"Three's A Crowd" on Mother's Day.

12:29.650 --> 12:32.930
The next day I was fired as a teacher,

12:32.930 --> 12:34.130
because I was perverse.

12:34.130 --> 12:36.130
And of course I probably hated children.

12:37.830 --> 12:39.870
I started to get death threats.

12:39.870 --> 12:41.980
My dog's life was threatened.

12:41.980 --> 12:44.788
It was shocking.

12:44.788 --> 12:48.522
(clock ticking)

12:49.640 --> 12:51.940
[Therese VO] The National
Organization for Non-Parents

12:51.940 --> 12:53.573
closed up shop in the 80s,

12:54.630 --> 12:58.043
a casualty of family-values conservatism.

12:59.094 --> 13:02.860
(apprehensive music)

13:06.600 --> 13:09.240
[Therese VO] But the childfree
conversation continued,

13:09.240 --> 13:11.910
including the first book
about not wanting children

13:11.910 --> 13:16.400
that I ever read, Molly
Peacock's 1998 memoir,

13:16.400 --> 13:18.516
"Paradise, Piece by Piece."

13:19.580 --> 13:21.501
Now "Paradise, Piece by Piece"

13:21.501 --> 13:23.767
is being released as an ebook.

13:23.767 --> 13:25.750
And I thought what's happening now

13:25.750 --> 13:28.440
that there's this kind of response?

13:28.440 --> 13:32.300
And it made me think about my generation

13:32.300 --> 13:36.350
and another generation
of women and men now,

13:36.350 --> 13:38.750
who are making this decision.

13:38.750 --> 13:43.750
I was among the first people, I suppose,

13:43.970 --> 13:48.495
who really were free to make this choice.

13:50.440 --> 13:55.380
I went to university
between 1965 and 1969.

13:55.380 --> 13:57.890
I was on the birth control pill.

13:57.890 --> 14:02.330
When I track my decision and
my urge to write about it,

14:02.330 --> 14:06.410
because it felt so isolated.

14:06.410 --> 14:10.350
And yet I knew that there were, of course,

14:10.350 --> 14:13.403
other people making this decision.

14:13.403 --> 14:17.773
When my book came out, there
was all of this activity.

14:21.160 --> 14:24.630
And I've never stopped receiving mail.

14:24.630 --> 14:29.260
A little drumbeat of people
who've passed this book

14:29.260 --> 14:32.930
from person to person,
who find it in libraries,

14:32.930 --> 14:34.953
who buy it used.

14:37.120 --> 14:39.313
People connect to it.

14:45.750 --> 14:47.690
[Therese VO] Molly and
her husband were featured

14:47.690 --> 14:51.720
in a 2009 Macleans cover story entitled,

14:51.720 --> 14:54.023
"The Case Against Having Kids"

14:56.700 --> 14:59.660
Behind the sensationalized
cover was a profile

14:59.660 --> 15:01.400
of the growing group of people

15:01.400 --> 15:03.223
who didn't want to be parents.

15:06.440 --> 15:09.203
That story was written by Anne Kingston.

15:11.330 --> 15:12.420
I've written a lot of stories

15:12.420 --> 15:13.870
that have pissed readers off.

15:15.946 --> 15:19.270
(uneasy music)

15:19.270 --> 15:23.240
But I've never seen such a
volcanic kind of response.

15:23.240 --> 15:28.023
"Disgusted" was the
subject line of one email.

15:30.347 --> 15:32.857
"It made me nauseous to read the article."

15:32.857 --> 15:35.007
"I now feel genuinely
sorry for those who focus

15:35.007 --> 15:37.327
on their selfish existence
and end up lonely

15:37.327 --> 15:39.340
and bored and childless."

15:39.340 --> 15:40.870
People took it really personally.

15:40.870 --> 15:42.810
They didn't see it as a cultural subject,

15:42.810 --> 15:44.690
which is what it actually is,

15:44.690 --> 15:48.253
but rather a kind of indictment
for the choices they make.

15:50.640 --> 15:51.520
It became very personal.

15:51.520 --> 15:53.050
People said don't send your kids

15:53.050 --> 15:55.970
to Anne Kingston's house for Halloween.

15:55.970 --> 15:58.800
I guess they were assuming
that I didn't like kids myself

15:58.800 --> 16:00.160
and I would be serving, you know,

16:00.160 --> 16:01.993
poisoned apples, et cetera.

16:03.680 --> 16:05.070
[Therese offscreen] Did
you say in the story

16:05.070 --> 16:06.352
that you didn't have kids?

16:06.352 --> 16:07.817
[Anne Offscreen] No, I
didn't discuss my own

16:07.817 --> 16:10.480
experience at all. It was
really about, you know,

16:10.480 --> 16:13.430
discussing it more broadly
and discussing all the reasons

16:13.430 --> 16:14.570
people were coming forward to say

16:14.570 --> 16:15.680
they didn't want to have children.

16:15.680 --> 16:19.020
We haven't quite figured out
a language to discuss this,

16:19.020 --> 16:22.980
or kind of a civil way of
conducting a conversation

16:22.980 --> 16:25.133
that wasn't pitted in accusations

16:25.133 --> 16:28.710
or blame or, often, sympathy.

16:28.710 --> 16:31.362
The Pope has a very
strong message for you.

16:31.362 --> 16:34.000
Pets are no substitute for children.

16:34.000 --> 16:35.990
Having children means
less time for vacations

16:35.990 --> 16:37.130
and spin class.

16:37.130 --> 16:39.950
It's gonna break down the
entire social contract.

16:39.950 --> 16:42.920
I mean, have you ever seen
anything more selfish,

16:42.920 --> 16:44.620
decadent and stupid?

16:44.620 --> 16:45.860
What's wrong with being selfish?

16:45.860 --> 16:47.290
Why is that a problem for you?

16:47.290 --> 16:52.290
What is selfish about a
conscious considered choice?

16:52.420 --> 16:54.690
A lot of thought goes
into not having kids,

16:54.690 --> 16:58.310
in fact, often more thought
than actually having children,

16:58.310 --> 16:59.620
which is one of the paradoxes

16:59.620 --> 17:01.363
that surrounds this conversation.

17:02.199 --> 17:04.190
(jazzy music)

17:05.260 --> 17:06.880
We have a discussion in
this house all the time

17:06.880 --> 17:09.400
about whether or not we want more cats.

17:09.400 --> 17:10.410
And my housemate was like,

17:10.410 --> 17:13.380
'what do you think is a lot
of cats?' And I was like, 20?

17:13.380 --> 17:16.470
And she was like, I think
five, five is a lot of cats.

17:16.470 --> 17:18.803
And she's right, 20 is like too many cats.

17:21.115 --> 17:22.899
(door closes)

17:23.770 --> 17:25.640
A lot of people live here,
most of us are artists.

17:25.640 --> 17:28.373
There's a welding studio
in the back garage.

17:30.130 --> 17:31.410
People often say to me like, oh,

17:31.410 --> 17:34.220
do you live with eight people on purpose?

17:34.220 --> 17:35.420
Which I think is an interesting question,

17:35.420 --> 17:37.830
because it's like this idea that like,

17:37.830 --> 17:39.700
by the time you're X age,

17:39.700 --> 17:44.700
you would not be living
with friends or roommates.

17:45.330 --> 17:47.010
You would live with your partner

17:47.010 --> 17:49.272
and you would have a house and a baby.

17:49.272 --> 17:51.020
And so like this couldn't be something

17:51.020 --> 17:52.620
that people would do on purpose.

17:54.142 --> 17:56.964
This is by design, this life.

17:56.964 --> 17:58.530
I'm not missing anything.

17:58.530 --> 18:00.523
I didn't forget to have kids.

18:01.542 --> 18:02.990
I'm not looking for the right person.

18:02.990 --> 18:04.253
I'm just not interested.

18:06.792 --> 18:09.375
(jazzy music)

18:10.640 --> 18:13.150
[Therese VO] I've never
been interested either.

18:13.150 --> 18:15.970
It disappoints people that
I don't have a dramatic

18:15.970 --> 18:18.530
reason for not wanting kids.

18:18.530 --> 18:20.700
But actually, it's quite simple.

18:20.700 --> 18:24.010
Of the many things I've
wanted to do with my life,

18:24.010 --> 18:26.373
having children was never on the list.

18:27.290 --> 18:29.713
By my forties, people stopped asking.

18:32.580 --> 18:34.630
Then I met my husband, Ed,

18:34.630 --> 18:38.560
and he totally supported my
decision not to become a mother.

18:38.560 --> 18:40.532
But as soon as we got married,

18:40.532 --> 18:43.298
the questions started right up again.

18:43.298 --> 18:45.913
When are you gonna have a baby?

18:46.774 --> 18:48.416
(baby crying)

18:53.058 --> 18:54.807
(sizzling)

18:54.807 --> 18:56.148
When I was a queer single woman,

18:56.148 --> 18:58.280
I don't think I was ever asked even once

18:58.280 --> 19:00.213
if I was planning on having kids

19:00.213 --> 19:01.970
or when I was wanting to have kids.

19:01.970 --> 19:03.950
And same when Leo and I started dating,

19:03.950 --> 19:08.070
we were perceived as a lesbian
couple or two women together,

19:08.070 --> 19:09.743
we weren't asked those questions.

19:11.790 --> 19:15.330
Once Leo transitioned and was
presenting more masculine,

19:15.330 --> 19:18.100
everyone, including folks
from the queer community,

19:18.100 --> 19:20.250
his family, and even random strangers

19:20.250 --> 19:22.570
started asking us when
we were having kids,

19:22.570 --> 19:24.280
telling us we'd be really great parents

19:24.280 --> 19:27.230
and really pushing us
towards starting a family

19:27.230 --> 19:28.810
of human children.

19:28.810 --> 19:30.080
[Leo] You're getting older,

19:30.080 --> 19:31.540
now you look like a straight couple.

19:31.540 --> 19:33.160
So of course the next thing on your list

19:33.160 --> 19:34.253
is to have children.

19:35.160 --> 19:36.500
I think it's broken.
Okay,

19:36.500 --> 19:38.010
do you want me to see if I can fix it?

19:38.010 --> 19:40.000
I think there's an
assumption when people choose

19:40.000 --> 19:42.190
to be childfree that
they don't like children.

19:42.190 --> 19:43.460
And that is not the case.

19:43.460 --> 19:44.570
I really enjoy kids.

19:44.570 --> 19:46.780
I'm silly, I treat them like adults,

19:46.780 --> 19:49.210
I love dressing up, I wear cat earrings

19:49.210 --> 19:51.460
and Ms. Frizzle style dresses.

19:51.460 --> 19:53.440
I do really well with kids.

19:53.440 --> 19:55.810
I also really like giving them back.

19:55.810 --> 19:58.996
Getting the-
I do this at home.

19:58.996 --> 20:00.430
You do that at home?

20:00.430 --> 20:02.633
Anytime someone asks me
if I'm going to have kids,

20:02.633 --> 20:04.520
it's always kind of shocking for me,

20:04.520 --> 20:07.600
because it was never really
a concept I thought about.

20:07.600 --> 20:09.650
The fact that I never wanted kids

20:09.650 --> 20:11.570
when I was presenting as a woman,

20:11.570 --> 20:13.610
the fact that I would
suddenly change my mind now

20:13.610 --> 20:16.180
that I'm presenting as a man blows my mind

20:16.180 --> 20:17.890
that people would think
that that's something

20:17.890 --> 20:19.363
I would ever want or need.

20:20.210 --> 20:22.999
So even in communities
like the queer community,

20:22.999 --> 20:27.440
that often break norms
and challenge assumptions,

20:27.440 --> 20:30.300
and stereotypes of how
life should be lived,

20:30.300 --> 20:33.170
everyone is still under the pressure

20:33.170 --> 20:35.790
of what a traditional
life should look like,

20:35.790 --> 20:38.330
and what societal
expectations are for them.

20:39.554 --> 20:40.870
(sizzling)

20:42.560 --> 20:43.703
Bam!

20:47.630 --> 20:49.850
Being the oldest women's
college in the nation,

20:49.850 --> 20:52.310
people assume, I've had people tell me,

20:52.310 --> 20:54.850
all of your girls want to have babies.

20:54.850 --> 20:56.830
I had a student who said, Dr. Dennis,

20:56.830 --> 20:58.343
all women want children.

20:59.742 --> 21:00.575
No.

21:00.575 --> 21:02.050
And that motivated me even more to create

21:02.050 --> 21:04.563
the course about childfree.

21:04.563 --> 21:07.230
(birds singing)

21:08.483 --> 21:11.090
(bright music)

21:11.090 --> 21:13.850
Raise your hand if you
want to have biological

21:13.850 --> 21:15.393
or adoptive children one day.

21:17.840 --> 21:19.340
Raise your hand if you do not.

21:21.520 --> 21:25.420
It's very common in sociology
courses in this country

21:25.420 --> 21:27.165
and around the world to have a course

21:27.165 --> 21:29.620
about women and reproduction.

21:29.620 --> 21:32.120
But those courses rarely, if ever,

21:32.120 --> 21:33.950
mention not reproducing.

21:33.950 --> 21:37.513
So my entire course is
about not reproducing.

21:39.460 --> 21:41.407
I was 10 when I started
raising my sister's kids.

21:41.407 --> 21:45.059
And even then it's like, oh,
you must want your own kids.

21:45.059 --> 21:46.242
It's like, no, I already
raised three kids,

21:46.242 --> 21:48.163
I don't want to raise my own, like.

21:48.163 --> 21:50.210
I didn't want to raise those three.

21:50.210 --> 21:52.734
What makes you think I want to raise-

21:52.734 --> 21:53.950
[Dr. Dennis] Right, so
now you know how it is.

21:53.950 --> 21:56.418
You know, you have a dream of, okay,

21:56.418 --> 21:58.084
OK I want the white picket fence.

21:58.084 --> 22:00.170
[Dr. Dennis] Some people
did that, I didn't.

22:00.170 --> 22:02.334
Not all of us, but some people.

22:02.334 --> 22:04.400
So I wanted the two kids, but that was it.

22:04.400 --> 22:08.550
My daughters, I tell them
constantly: do not have kids.

22:08.550 --> 22:10.760
[Dr. Dennis] Here's what I recommend.

22:10.760 --> 22:13.130
Since I talk about reproductive justice,

22:13.130 --> 22:15.040
instead of telling them don't have kids,

22:15.040 --> 22:16.437
tell them that there are choices

22:16.437 --> 22:18.244
and they should be wise choices.

22:18.244 --> 22:19.269
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

22:19.269 --> 22:21.430
Sometimes being childfree
also ties into that like

22:21.430 --> 22:25.500
socioeconomic problems and
that vicious cycle of poverty,

22:25.500 --> 22:27.510
especially that we see
in minority communities.

22:27.510 --> 22:28.343
Yep.
My friends and I,

22:28.343 --> 22:29.670
we do have conversations about kids.

22:29.670 --> 22:31.592
Our conversations are
always...we want to make

22:31.592 --> 22:34.810
sure that whether or not
we do want to have kids,

22:34.810 --> 22:37.580
when we come to that decision,
we are financially stable.

22:37.580 --> 22:40.303
We've seen like our own families struggle.

22:40.303 --> 22:42.113
(birds singing)

22:42.996 --> 22:45.030
(gentle music)

22:45.030 --> 22:48.128
Years ago when I decided that
I'm never having children,

22:48.128 --> 22:52.430
I started researching the
topic because unfortunately,

22:52.430 --> 22:55.266
although I have an aunt
who never had children,

22:55.266 --> 22:58.818
it's never been an open
discussion in my environment.

22:58.818 --> 23:01.140
Almost everything you read is about

23:01.990 --> 23:04.493
African diaspora women being mothers.

23:05.480 --> 23:09.260
Cultures around the world
perpetuate this idea

23:09.260 --> 23:11.830
that there's only one way to be a woman,

23:11.830 --> 23:13.525
and it's through having children.

23:13.525 --> 23:16.240
Most societies are pronatalist.

23:16.240 --> 23:19.370
So...who knows what pronatalist means?

23:19.370 --> 23:21.700
(marker writing on whiteboard)

23:21.700 --> 23:23.150
Who knows what pronatalism is?

23:23.150 --> 23:25.025
What is natalism?

23:26.478 --> 23:27.689
[Therese VO] Pronatalism.

23:27.689 --> 23:28.670
What does it mean?

23:28.670 --> 23:30.570
And why should we care?

23:30.570 --> 23:34.020
It comes from the Latin for and birth,

23:34.020 --> 23:36.445
which sounds innocent enough, right?

23:38.810 --> 23:39.920
[Male Reporter] Los Angeles County's

23:39.920 --> 23:44.180
annual Ladera Park baby show
gets rolling as 1000 tiny tots

23:44.180 --> 23:48.040
show up in carriages, prams,
buggies, and push carts.

23:48.040 --> 23:52.670
Pronatalism refers to encouraging,

23:52.670 --> 23:56.993
requiring, even forcing
people to reproduce.

23:58.590 --> 24:03.565
(jazzy music)
(mechanical sounds)

24:08.340 --> 24:11.832
Elaine, you gotta have a baby.

24:11.832 --> 24:12.665
(audience laughs)

24:12.665 --> 24:14.632
Oh, hey, you know,

24:14.632 --> 24:17.690
I had a piece of whitefish
over at Barney Greengrass

24:17.690 --> 24:18.660
the other day-
Elaine.

24:18.660 --> 24:20.650
And I-
Move to Long Island

24:20.650 --> 24:22.153
and have a baby already.

24:24.650 --> 24:26.840
[Therese VO] Pronatalism
has inspired multiple

24:26.840 --> 24:30.383
talking points to convince
us to become parents.

24:36.005 --> 24:39.505
(unsettling music)

24:47.535 --> 24:50.668
(traffic sounds)

24:53.560 --> 24:57.593
(unsettling music)

25:02.127 --> 25:06.960
(slide show clicks)

25:10.947 --> 25:14.516
Oh my God, I'm so happy!

25:14.516 --> 25:15.790
Pregnant!

25:15.790 --> 25:17.510
[Therese VO] How many pregnancy test ads

25:17.510 --> 25:21.570
have you seen where a woman
was happy NOT to be pregnant?

25:21.570 --> 25:24.350
There are many people who
very much want to be pregnant

25:24.350 --> 25:27.300
and I'm super psyched for them
when they get that positive.

25:29.290 --> 25:33.130
But I think that most people
who are taking a pregnancy test

25:33.130 --> 25:36.373
are filled with relief when
they see that negative.

25:37.300 --> 25:39.310
And we don't see that.

25:39.310 --> 25:43.692
We don't see that in fact,
most people are like.

25:43.692 --> 25:46.076
(long exhale)

25:47.721 --> 25:51.612
(running feet)
(heavy breathing)

25:51.612 --> 25:53.437
[Offscreen] We are being told that we live

25:53.437 --> 25:55.940
in a post feminist era.

25:55.940 --> 25:57.215
(woman cheering)

25:57.215 --> 26:00.200
We got what we want, equal rights,

26:00.200 --> 26:01.903
everything is open.

26:02.780 --> 26:06.563
But, I think that's not correct,

26:06.563 --> 26:08.687
the correct situation.

26:08.687 --> 26:10.537
And I think we are being applauded

26:10.537 --> 26:12.678
only when we decide

26:12.678 --> 26:17.132
what society wants us to decide.

26:17.132 --> 26:20.457
(slide show clicks)

26:20.457 --> 26:22.350
[Therese VO] Mother's
Day has become a global

26:22.350 --> 26:24.363
celebration of pronatalism.

26:25.684 --> 26:28.584
But there is one mother who
doesn't want to be celebrated.

26:29.740 --> 26:31.098
Mine.

26:31.098 --> 26:33.790
(Piano music: Valse Opus 69
No. 1, by Frederic Chopin)

26:33.790 --> 26:38.790
You know, my (laughs) my
pet peeve, Mother's Day?

26:38.820 --> 26:41.440
We don't celebrate Mother's Day

26:41.440 --> 26:44.860
because I think we should
celebrate all women.

26:44.860 --> 26:47.560
Also, I think Mother's Day
is incredibly difficult

26:47.560 --> 26:50.250
on women who had children and lost them,

26:50.250 --> 26:53.600
and must be a horrible holiday.

26:53.600 --> 26:57.002
And women who didn't have
children are left out.

26:57.002 --> 26:58.168
They have no value

26:58.168 --> 26:59.010
so we don't celebrate them

26:59.010 --> 27:00.070
on Mother's Day.

27:00.070 --> 27:03.710
We don't bring flowers
or chocolates to a woman

27:03.710 --> 27:06.700
who had no children,
because she's not a mother.

27:06.700 --> 27:10.460
So this was before you became
a feminist and all that.

27:10.460 --> 27:14.389
This was always my feeling
that Mother's Day is bad.

27:14.389 --> 27:17.050
(Piano music: Valse Opus 69
No. 1, by Frederic Chopin)

27:17.050 --> 27:20.790
[Therese] When I was in my
thirties, I was an outlier.

27:20.790 --> 27:23.560
Almost all my friends had become parents.

27:23.560 --> 27:26.360
And despite everything I'd accomplished,

27:26.360 --> 27:28.840
I felt like I'd fallen behind.

27:30.330 --> 27:32.235
Women's like whole identity, right,

27:32.235 --> 27:34.960
is supposed to be built on self-sacrifice

27:34.960 --> 27:36.070
and taking care of other people.

27:36.070 --> 27:38.830
And if you thwart that, you're
just, like, a garbage can.

27:38.830 --> 27:41.040
It's very much linked to this idea

27:41.040 --> 27:42.870
that there's only one way to be a woman,

27:42.870 --> 27:46.380
and to prove yourself as
an adult and as a woman,

27:46.380 --> 27:47.520
you have to have children.

27:47.520 --> 27:49.668
(sarcastically) Why do you
not want to have children?

27:49.668 --> 27:50.900
I mean, you have a uterus,
that's what it's for!

27:50.900 --> 27:52.210
It can't just be that
you're just gonna like

27:52.210 --> 27:53.610
watch Netflix forever.

27:53.610 --> 27:54.740
Which like, why is that...

27:54.740 --> 27:55.738
I don't know why that's a problem.

27:55.738 --> 27:58.360
Motherhood is really set on a pedestal.

27:58.360 --> 28:01.064
It is kind of your highest attainment.

28:01.064 --> 28:03.900
You could list any number of honors

28:03.900 --> 28:07.110
and degrees and somebody will still think

28:07.110 --> 28:08.890
that you're not fully accomplished

28:08.890 --> 28:10.240
if you haven't had a child.

28:11.190 --> 28:12.962
[Therese VO] Blair Koenig is the creator

28:12.962 --> 28:16.600
of the blog and the book
"Shut the Fuck Up, Parents."

28:16.600 --> 28:19.744
The idea behind the blog is
that it's showcasing parents

28:19.744 --> 28:20.978
who are oversharing about
their children on social media.

28:20.978 --> 28:25.978
(bright music)
(notifications pinging)

28:32.089 --> 28:33.600
[Therese VO] One of the most
popular topics on the site

28:33.600 --> 28:36.427
is a phenomenon called "Mommyjacking."

28:37.810 --> 28:41.240
Mommyjacking is when you
hijack a friend's status update

28:41.240 --> 28:44.537
to discuss something related
to parenting or your kids.

28:44.537 --> 28:46.885
[Therese VO] It works like this:

28:46.885 --> 28:49.377
♪ graduation music ♪
Someone writes "It's official.

28:49.377 --> 28:52.017
At age 21, I'm one of the youngest people

28:52.017 --> 28:54.487
to ever get a doctorate in neuroscience

28:54.487 --> 28:56.257
from Stanford University.

28:56.257 --> 28:58.227
Thank you for believing in me

28:58.227 --> 29:00.376
when I didn't believe in myself."

29:00.376 --> 29:01.251
[record scratch]

29:01.251 --> 29:02.442
Someone comments below,

29:02.442 --> 29:04.132
"You haven't learnt anything yet.

29:04.132 --> 29:06.401
Become a parent, and you'll see."

29:06.401 --> 29:09.049
(wheels squeaking)

29:09.049 --> 29:12.000
If a friend says, I'm
exhausted, I've had a long week,

29:12.000 --> 29:15.906
someone in the comments might
say, try having two kids.

29:15.906 --> 29:18.214
[steps and kicking Sound]

29:19.150 --> 29:20.650
I just think it's absurd.

29:20.650 --> 29:24.040
It's dated, it's a very dated
way of speaking to somebody.

29:24.040 --> 29:25.470
It's a dated way to think.

29:25.470 --> 29:27.030
Part of the reason I think it's popular

29:27.030 --> 29:30.736
is because so many people experience it.

29:30.736 --> 29:32.332
(bright music)

29:32.332 --> 29:33.790
[Therese VO] Not one of Jennifer Aniston's

29:33.790 --> 29:37.450
professional accomplishments
has garnered more attention

29:37.450 --> 29:39.540
than not having a baby.

29:39.540 --> 29:40.850
Jen is pregnant.

29:40.850 --> 29:42.540
Jen's baby heartbreak.

29:42.540 --> 29:44.330
Jen and Brad are getting married.

29:44.330 --> 29:46.470
Jen's having twins.

29:46.470 --> 29:49.987
You could say her entire
career has been...

29:49.987 --> 29:51.880
"Mommyjacked"

29:51.880 --> 29:54.920
So Jennifer Aniston is the
mother of all non-mothers.

29:54.920 --> 29:57.792
She's the symbol within celebrity culture

29:57.792 --> 30:00.730
obsessed with the baby
bump, with procreation.

30:00.730 --> 30:03.490
Another wonderful photograph,

30:03.490 --> 30:05.789
which I've had to sort of live with

30:05.789 --> 30:08.398
for the last 10, 15 years.

30:08.398 --> 30:11.270
A picture of me with a bump and a circle

30:11.270 --> 30:14.868
around my stomach with
an arrow pointing to it,

30:14.868 --> 30:17.910
in just this sort of disgustingly
objectifying kind of way.

30:17.910 --> 30:19.910
Just because we're
women, we have a uterus,

30:19.910 --> 30:21.700
we have a vagina, we have ovaries,

30:21.700 --> 30:24.223
we need to like get to work, lady.

30:24.223 --> 30:26.590
(slide show clicks)

30:27.709 --> 30:30.292
(bright music)

30:32.856 --> 30:37.750
I think that motherhood has
increased in value yet again.

30:37.750 --> 30:42.750
The almost obsessive attainment
and children as accessories

30:44.140 --> 30:47.450
and children as mark of accomplishment,

30:47.450 --> 30:50.230
it's almost fetishized in our society.

30:50.230 --> 30:52.550
[Offscreen] The most important
job any woman can have,

30:52.550 --> 30:53.510
is being a mother.

30:53.510 --> 30:54.650
I'm Ivanka Trump,

30:54.650 --> 30:57.530
a mother, a wife, and an entrepreneur.

30:57.530 --> 31:00.510
It's a softening thing,
this idea that, you know,

31:00.510 --> 31:04.110
she is a nurturing figure.

31:04.110 --> 31:06.040
(jazzy music)

31:06.040 --> 31:08.290
[Therese VO] These media
messages are not new.

31:10.530 --> 31:15.150
In 1964, Dorothy Crowfoot
Hodgkin won the Nobel Prize

31:15.150 --> 31:16.980
for being a wife.

31:16.980 --> 31:18.255
I mean...

31:18.255 --> 31:19.422
for Chemistry.

31:22.698 --> 31:27.460
And in 2013, the obituary
for actual rocket scientist,

31:27.460 --> 31:32.460
Yvonne Brill, talked about her
beef stroganoff, her husband,

31:32.480 --> 31:36.017
and how she was quote,
"The world's best mom."

31:37.260 --> 31:41.150
Her scientific brilliance
is in paragraph three.

31:41.150 --> 31:44.573
After an outcry, the New
York Times rewrote the lead.

31:47.440 --> 31:48.650
There's no sure thing.

31:48.650 --> 31:50.120
Like you can get married and have kids

31:50.120 --> 31:51.570
and still have a garbage life.

31:51.570 --> 31:52.993
And you can just be like me,

31:52.993 --> 31:55.040
like twerking around Brooklyn

31:55.040 --> 31:57.023
and be like having a pretty okay life.

31:57.859 --> 31:59.560
♪ Got them thunder thighs ♪

31:59.560 --> 32:03.278
♪ Boom clack they smack when I stride ♪

32:03.278 --> 32:04.757
♪ Thunder thighs ♪

32:04.757 --> 32:05.920
♪ Thunder thunder thighs ♪

32:05.920 --> 32:06.790
I am childfree right now.

32:06.790 --> 32:09.280
I plan to be childfree in the future.

32:09.280 --> 32:11.590
I view my art as my children,

32:11.590 --> 32:13.320
and I'm very selfish with my time.

32:13.320 --> 32:17.140
And I know having a child is
such a big responsibility.

32:17.140 --> 32:20.430
So I definitely know I
wouldn't just be able to work

32:20.430 --> 32:22.427
around the clock like I do now.

32:22.427 --> 32:26.040
[Therese VO] Shanthony Exum,
who performs as Miss Eaves,

32:26.040 --> 32:28.200
is a viral rapper and video artist,

32:28.200 --> 32:29.510
a graphic designer,

32:29.510 --> 32:31.790
a body-positive street photographer,

32:31.790 --> 32:34.290
and an enthusiastic crafter.

32:34.290 --> 32:35.490
I'm from the South.

32:35.490 --> 32:39.260
And so like the expectation
is for like women,

32:39.260 --> 32:41.520
once you're over 25, you're
just like over the hill,

32:41.520 --> 32:44.650
if you're not married and
like working on your family.

32:44.650 --> 32:45.760
(sarcastically) This is the next step.

32:45.760 --> 32:49.370
Well, I've been dating
Charles for three years now,

32:49.370 --> 32:51.830
so where's the ring? And the baby!

32:51.830 --> 32:53.663
I don't want to just feel like bullied

32:53.663 --> 32:54.831
by society to have them.

32:54.831 --> 32:56.431
(traffic noise)

32:56.431 --> 32:59.620
That is why I like ran to New
York as quickly as I could

32:59.620 --> 33:03.150
where I'm around so many other like-minded

33:03.150 --> 33:04.453
childfree people.

33:05.847 --> 33:08.322
(musical introduction)

33:10.440 --> 33:12.687
[Therese] Shanthony's video,
Paper Maché (Single AF),

33:13.790 --> 33:15.640
celebrates being single.

33:15.640 --> 33:17.273
[Shanthony offscreen] A
lot of my songs are about

33:17.273 --> 33:18.760
existing in the world as a woman

33:18.760 --> 33:21.750
and how to navigate that
in a way that's healthy,

33:21.750 --> 33:23.830
and like you're nourishing yourself.

33:23.830 --> 33:25.760
I think if your art can help

33:25.760 --> 33:27.130
to make other people's lives better,

33:27.130 --> 33:29.770
to make other people not feel so alone,

33:29.770 --> 33:31.446
then you're doing a really good job.

33:31.446 --> 33:34.392
♪ I'm alone, I love myself ♪

33:34.392 --> 33:36.696
♪ So alone is fun as hell ♪

33:36.696 --> 33:38.936
♪ I'm alone, I love myself ♪

33:38.936 --> 33:40.825
♪ So alone is fun as hell ♪

33:40.825 --> 33:42.059
♪ I don't care ♪

33:42.059 --> 33:43.233
♪ "It's hard out there" ♪

33:43.233 --> 33:45.220
♪ Everyone is telling me
they're scared I'm weird ♪

33:45.220 --> 33:46.511
♪ I don't care ♪

33:46.511 --> 33:48.036
♪ "You're getting older" ♪

33:48.036 --> 33:49.924
♪ Everyone is telling
me they want me paired ♪

33:49.924 --> 33:50.957
(record scratch)

33:50.957 --> 33:54.821
Remember, your biological
clock is ticking.

33:54.821 --> 33:55.930
(quiet bell of alarm clock)

33:55.930 --> 34:00.013
And I was in complete denial
about my biological clock.

34:00.013 --> 34:00.846
(clock ticking)

34:00.846 --> 34:01.993
And then I got cancer.

34:03.550 --> 34:05.040
I gotta have a baby.

34:05.040 --> 34:07.930
I gotta have a baby, I gotta have a baby!

34:07.930 --> 34:10.350
[Therese VO] Do you
have a biological clock?

34:10.350 --> 34:11.783
Not ticking within me.

34:12.920 --> 34:14.910
So the answer would have to be no.

34:14.910 --> 34:16.880
No, there's no ticking of any sort.

34:16.880 --> 34:18.323
It's very quiet.

34:18.323 --> 34:19.540
(laughs)

34:19.540 --> 34:22.034
That idea that it will start to tick,

34:22.034 --> 34:23.510
(clocks ticking)

34:23.510 --> 34:26.180
there's sort of this anticipation

34:27.330 --> 34:30.087
that I'm not totally convinced is...

34:32.534 --> 34:34.100
healthy.

34:34.100 --> 34:35.950
[Therese VO] We all have biological clocks

34:35.950 --> 34:39.230
that regulate the daily
rhythm of our bodies.

34:39.230 --> 34:41.200
But that's not exactly the clock

34:41.200 --> 34:43.202
that the media is so obsessed with.

34:43.202 --> 34:45.440
(clocks ticking)

34:45.440 --> 34:47.790
I don't know where this
phenomenon comes from,

34:47.790 --> 34:50.170
where people think that all of a sudden,

34:50.170 --> 34:51.560
you're gonna wake up one day

34:51.560 --> 34:54.520
and need to have a child
right then and there.

34:54.520 --> 34:57.220
There's no biological
reason for that to happen.

34:57.220 --> 34:59.900
[Therese VO] The biological
clock as a baby alarm

34:59.900 --> 35:02.680
was first coined, not by a scientist,

35:02.680 --> 35:05.827
but by a male journalist
in an article titled,

35:05.827 --> 35:09.150
"The Clock is Ticking
for the Career Woman."

35:09.150 --> 35:12.070
Richard Cohen created a composite woman,

35:12.070 --> 35:15.380
a fictional female, with a nice figure,

35:15.380 --> 35:16.883
who could cry on his shoulder.

35:19.390 --> 35:21.793
Because something was horribly wrong.

35:23.470 --> 35:25.843
She was in the throes of a baby panic,

35:27.300 --> 35:31.037
that lit the fuse on a metaphor
that still persists today.

35:31.037 --> 35:36.037
(clock ticking)

35:36.267 --> 35:41.000
Using the language as a ticking
bomb inside of our body,

35:42.190 --> 35:47.190
this is a social decision.

35:47.460 --> 35:50.360
It's different from saying
something about, okay,

35:50.360 --> 35:53.994
there is a period of time
that we can get pregnant.

35:53.994 --> 35:55.972
(clock ticking)

35:55.972 --> 35:58.037
That pressure that you feel
that you need to become

35:58.037 --> 36:00.550
pregnant soon is based on society.

36:00.550 --> 36:02.470
It's based on what other
people are telling you

36:02.470 --> 36:04.170
and what you're internalizing,

36:04.170 --> 36:05.730
but it's not actually based on anything

36:05.730 --> 36:07.260
that your body is doing.

36:07.260 --> 36:09.590
[Therese VO] Even contraceptive
ads for the very act

36:09.590 --> 36:13.390
of preventing pregnancy
subtly sell women on the idea

36:13.390 --> 36:15.415
that they will become mothers...

36:15.415 --> 36:16.606
someday.

36:16.606 --> 36:17.820
It is over 99% effective.

36:17.820 --> 36:19.240
So there's no worry
about getting pregnant.

36:19.240 --> 36:20.073
Till you want to.

36:20.073 --> 36:22.290
Carrie says, don't you and Brad,

36:22.290 --> 36:24.830
your adorable husband, want kids?

36:24.830 --> 36:27.140
And Shelly says, yeah, someday.

36:27.140 --> 36:29.723
Someday. But for, now I'm on the pill.

36:30.870 --> 36:32.940
Women should feel that
they're missing out,

36:32.940 --> 36:36.770
is this message that
infiltrates the culture

36:36.770 --> 36:38.160
from all sorts of places.

36:38.160 --> 36:40.320
It's not just parents talking to women,

36:40.320 --> 36:42.420
it's magazines talking to women.

36:42.420 --> 36:45.600
It is fertility experts talking to women.

36:45.600 --> 36:47.350
It is, you know, if you're 40 years old

36:47.350 --> 36:48.720
and you're not thinking about IVF

36:48.720 --> 36:50.270
or you haven't frozen your eggs,

36:50.270 --> 36:52.293
you've missed a huge part of life.

36:54.052 --> 36:56.719
(bright music)

36:57.820 --> 37:01.273
I spent 12 years on the
hamster wheel of infertility.

37:02.120 --> 37:03.780
And when I finally made the decision

37:03.780 --> 37:06.580
to get off of that hamster wheel,

37:06.580 --> 37:08.690
I had to step back to think about

37:08.690 --> 37:11.183
why I had been on it in the first place.

37:12.240 --> 37:13.410
Hi!
[Therese VO] I met Michelle

37:13.410 --> 37:15.420
at the NotMom Summit,

37:15.420 --> 37:17.560
a unique three-day event in Cleveland

37:17.560 --> 37:20.020
for women without children.

37:20.020 --> 37:22.570
The childfree who don't want children,

37:22.570 --> 37:24.900
and the childless, who do want them,

37:24.900 --> 37:27.260
but are unable to have them.

37:27.260 --> 37:30.800
Although these two groups
seem like polar opposites,

37:30.800 --> 37:34.503
both get pressured for not
following the motherhood script.

37:36.160 --> 37:38.790
So when I made the
decision to be childfree

37:38.790 --> 37:42.670
and happy about it, I really
stepped back to think about all

37:42.670 --> 37:46.210
of the factors that sort
of pushed me on that.

37:48.443 --> 37:50.730
I very much wanted kids
ever since I was little.

37:50.730 --> 37:52.610
I played with dolls.

37:52.610 --> 37:54.860
I started babysitting at a very young age.

37:54.860 --> 37:58.600
I thought that I would
grow up, go to college,

37:58.600 --> 38:00.230
graduate from college,

38:00.230 --> 38:02.620
be married within two
years and be having babies

38:02.620 --> 38:04.020
within two years after that.

38:05.570 --> 38:10.570
I met the man who would become
my husband when I was 23.

38:10.573 --> 38:12.010
I was college educated,

38:12.010 --> 38:13.870
I was working in my chosen field,

38:13.870 --> 38:16.980
I had checked all the boxes
I was supposed to check

38:16.980 --> 38:21.790
on my, you know, on the life checkbox.

38:21.790 --> 38:23.320
Was moving right along.

38:23.320 --> 38:24.520
And he wanted kids too,

38:24.520 --> 38:27.700
and so we got married and
immediately started trying

38:27.700 --> 38:28.793
to have children.

38:30.420 --> 38:32.890
Within six months of us
trying to get pregnant,

38:32.890 --> 38:35.800
I knew that something was wrong.

38:35.800 --> 38:38.903
We finally ended up around
my 30th birthday doing IVF.

38:40.578 --> 38:43.245
(anxious music)

38:44.969 --> 38:48.910
They retrieve your eggs by
sticking a very large wand

38:48.910 --> 38:52.290
with an aspirated needle
through your vaginal canal,

38:52.290 --> 38:53.890
and they retrieve the eggs.

38:53.890 --> 38:56.220
And when I woke up, they said,

38:56.220 --> 38:58.800
we're really sorry, but
you don't have any eggs.

38:58.800 --> 38:59.750
And this is kind of bizarre,

38:59.750 --> 39:01.570
we haven't really seen this before.

39:01.570 --> 39:03.816
And they thought, well,
maybe we did something wrong

39:03.816 --> 39:05.810
in the protocol, and you know,
this is just really strange.

39:05.810 --> 39:07.780
We tried again a few months later,

39:07.780 --> 39:09.513
and the same thing happened.

39:11.960 --> 39:14.870
You feel broken and devastated

39:14.870 --> 39:18.010
because for your whole entire life,

39:18.010 --> 39:21.180
you've been set up to be this person.

39:21.180 --> 39:24.650
And it was probably as
bereft as I have ever been.

39:24.650 --> 39:27.703
And then my husband told
me he wanted a divorce.

39:28.610 --> 39:29.973
So that was good times.

39:31.400 --> 39:33.940
I think one of the freeing
things at that time, actually,

39:33.940 --> 39:36.730
I was 31, was that I was
able to walk into a new

39:36.730 --> 39:39.330
relationship and say, you
know, like, I'm infertile.

39:41.110 --> 39:44.840
And I was really fortunate that
my current partner was like,

39:44.840 --> 39:46.010
we'll do whatever you want to do.

39:46.010 --> 39:48.993
I'm open to whatever options
have to happen for us.

39:50.477 --> 39:54.200
(bright music)

39:54.200 --> 39:57.760
And so I thought, I'm just
gonna be happy without children.

39:57.760 --> 40:01.130
And had to take stock of who
I wanted to be in the world.

40:03.880 --> 40:07.120
I am currently a graduate student

40:07.120 --> 40:09.450
at Case Western Reserve University.

40:09.450 --> 40:11.750
I am getting two Master's degrees,

40:11.750 --> 40:14.734
one in Public Health and one in Bioethics.

40:14.734 --> 40:17.741
My focus is reproductive health policy.

40:19.280 --> 40:22.460
For me, working in an abortion clinic

40:22.460 --> 40:25.440
and volunteering there,
it changed my life,

40:25.440 --> 40:30.080
because it was about the fact
that not being able to control

40:30.080 --> 40:34.230
my own body in terms of having a baby,

40:34.230 --> 40:38.140
was the flip side of not being
able to control your own body

40:38.140 --> 40:40.450
when you are pregnant
and don't want to be.

40:40.450 --> 40:44.380
(Piano music: Prelude 1, by J.S. Bach)

40:44.380 --> 40:46.670
[Therese VO] I spent 38 years desperately

40:46.670 --> 40:48.483
trying not to get pregnant.

40:49.410 --> 40:51.300
Years of taking birth control pills

40:51.300 --> 40:53.376
led to dangerously high blood pressure.

40:53.376 --> 40:54.760
(heart beats)

40:54.760 --> 40:58.530
And when I went off them, heavy
periods that gave me anemia,

40:58.530 --> 41:01.348
as well as two pregnancy scares.

41:01.348 --> 41:04.740
(Piano: J. S. Back, Prelude No. 1)

41:04.740 --> 41:07.470
Not wanting to be pregnant
and not necessarily feeling

41:07.470 --> 41:09.390
that you're in control of preventing that,

41:09.390 --> 41:10.540
it can be overwhelming.

41:11.930 --> 41:13.970
It was very difficult to take the pill,

41:13.970 --> 41:17.010
even though that's supposed
to be a very low dose hormone,

41:17.010 --> 41:19.720
I had very adverse reactions to it.

41:19.720 --> 41:21.840
Every year I had a gynecological exam,

41:21.840 --> 41:23.700
I'm like, could you tie 'em, please,

41:23.700 --> 41:24.809
for the love of God.

41:24.809 --> 41:26.109
My doctors wouldn't do it,
they said I was healthy,

41:26.109 --> 41:27.150
and that I'd change my mind.

41:27.150 --> 41:29.300
As someone who hasn't
wanted kids my whole life,

41:29.300 --> 41:31.760
I think I first started asking about

41:31.760 --> 41:33.730
getting my tubes tied or a hysterectomy

41:33.730 --> 41:36.300
when I was maybe 16 or 17.

41:36.300 --> 41:38.910
I had really painful
periods, long periods,

41:38.910 --> 41:40.323
like six weeks long.

41:41.860 --> 41:45.063
So when I was 16, I got put
on hormonal birth control.

41:46.030 --> 41:48.057
Every doctor I'd see, I'd say, you know,

41:48.057 --> 41:49.430
I'm not really using this.

41:49.430 --> 41:51.460
Like, could I maybe have a hysterectomy?

41:51.460 --> 41:52.720
And then I wouldn't have to be taking

41:52.720 --> 41:53.917
all this hormonal birth control.

41:53.917 --> 41:56.860
And every doctor, every
nurse practitioner I'd see

41:56.860 --> 41:59.010
would say, well, you know,

41:59.010 --> 42:00.340
you're gonna want to have kids someday.

42:00.340 --> 42:01.990
Like you're too young to think about that.

42:01.990 --> 42:06.030
And I finally found an
OB/GYN who believed me,

42:06.030 --> 42:07.030
and she said, okay, you know,

42:07.030 --> 42:09.030
like let's do the hysterectomy.

42:09.030 --> 42:11.160
Best surgery of my life.

42:11.160 --> 42:14.670
And then we actually found
that I have two nodules

42:14.670 --> 42:18.540
on my liver and they believe
that it was from taking

42:18.540 --> 42:21.323
hormonal birth control for
such a long period of time.

42:23.079 --> 42:24.870
To have somebody tell
you that they basically

42:24.870 --> 42:27.750
won't help you because you
don't know what's best for you

42:27.750 --> 42:29.800
is extremely condescending and insulting.

42:34.180 --> 42:37.160
[Therese VO] I met 19-year-old
Lauren on a Facebook group

42:37.160 --> 42:38.623
for childfree women.

42:40.550 --> 42:45.433
(notifications pinging)

42:50.180 --> 42:53.680
Lauren is smart, like super smart.

42:53.680 --> 42:54.960
I wanted to become an inventor

42:54.960 --> 42:57.030
by the time I was five or six.

42:57.030 --> 43:00.040
And by the time I was in the
middle of elementary school,

43:00.040 --> 43:01.530
I wanted to be a physicist.

43:01.530 --> 43:04.210
When I was 16 years old,
I moved to Rabat, Morocco

43:04.210 --> 43:07.230
to study Arabic, moved
to Seoul, South Korea,

43:07.230 --> 43:09.230
in order to study Korean.

43:09.230 --> 43:10.570
My Korean is fluent.

43:10.570 --> 43:13.133
The year after that, I
moved to Oslo, Norway.

43:14.120 --> 43:16.090
Now I have just moved to Toronto

43:16.090 --> 43:17.793
in order to go to university.

43:18.728 --> 43:20.790
And I am doing an honors
major or a specialist

43:20.790 --> 43:23.633
in computer science, as
well as a major in physics.

43:24.470 --> 43:27.220
I think I realized that
being childfree was a choice

43:27.220 --> 43:29.540
maybe when I was 15 or 16,

43:29.540 --> 43:32.640
when I really started to
reflect back on my decision,

43:32.640 --> 43:34.300
reflect on my future,

43:34.300 --> 43:39.300
reflect on how I felt
about children themselves.

43:40.040 --> 43:42.963
The actual sacrifices that
having children would entail.

43:43.860 --> 43:47.460
Most doctors don't
really view sterilization

43:47.460 --> 43:49.020
as a medical need.

43:49.020 --> 43:53.210
I have to start tailoring
my medical records now,

43:53.210 --> 43:56.660
such that when a doctor inevitably asks me

43:56.660 --> 43:59.500
what proves that you will not regret this,

43:59.500 --> 44:01.310
I can point at my medical records and say,

44:01.310 --> 44:03.340
I wanted this procedure five years ago,

44:03.340 --> 44:05.660
and I'm gonna want it five years from now.

44:05.660 --> 44:08.503
[Therese VO] What Lauren
wants is a tubal ligation,

44:08.503 --> 44:11.260
commonly known as getting your tubes tied.

44:11.260 --> 44:14.150
It's a simple procedure
where the fallopian tubes

44:14.150 --> 44:17.090
are surgically blocked to prevent an egg

44:17.090 --> 44:18.803
and a sperm from meeting.

44:20.430 --> 44:23.320
Lauren has spent two years
documenting her request

44:23.320 --> 44:24.383
for this procedure.

44:25.780 --> 44:27.570
Here we have lack of maternal drive,

44:27.570 --> 44:29.720
environmental factors and overpopulation,

44:29.720 --> 44:32.030
and the role of women in parenthood.

44:32.030 --> 44:33.850
Here we have mental and physical health.

44:33.850 --> 44:36.730
Here, I go into patient autonomy

44:36.730 --> 44:37.940
and the statement of consent

44:37.940 --> 44:39.590
and acknowledgement of procedure.

44:40.660 --> 44:42.980
Here, I just have my final words.

44:42.980 --> 44:45.667
And here's me saying:
Warm Regards, Lauren.

44:45.667 --> 44:48.637
I've heard stories of
women who are 35 or older,

44:48.637 --> 44:51.320
who are still being denied as too young.

44:51.320 --> 44:54.420
In what world is 35 too young for an adult

44:54.420 --> 44:56.300
to make a decision for themselves?

44:56.300 --> 44:59.250
I find it really frustrating
that many of my patients

44:59.250 --> 45:01.640
have jumped through
multiple hoops to see me

45:01.640 --> 45:03.850
to get a sterilization.

45:03.850 --> 45:06.920
[Therese VO] Dr. Kristen
Brandi is an OB/GYN

45:06.920 --> 45:09.693
and teaches at Rutgers
New Jersey Medical School.

45:11.290 --> 45:13.560
The only requirements
that you actually need

45:13.560 --> 45:16.110
to get a sterilization procedure performed

45:16.110 --> 45:18.490
is that you have to be
of age for consenting

45:18.490 --> 45:20.630
for any type of healthcare.

45:20.630 --> 45:21.960
That's it.

45:21.960 --> 45:25.790
I am able to go and fly to
China tomorrow and move there.

45:25.790 --> 45:27.500
I'm able to join the military.

45:27.500 --> 45:32.130
I'm able to sign a contract
for a massive loan.

45:32.130 --> 45:33.970
I'm able to make so many decisions

45:33.970 --> 45:36.307
that I could regret as an adult.

45:36.307 --> 45:38.870
Why is it that someone is looking over me,

45:38.870 --> 45:41.612
paternalistically in this area,

45:41.612 --> 45:44.963
when in other areas of my life,
I'm respected as an adult?

45:46.540 --> 45:48.770
[Therese VO] Pronatalism
makes it hard for young women

45:48.770 --> 45:50.820
like Lauren to get sterilized,

45:50.820 --> 45:52.600
but it's also led to vulnerable

45:52.600 --> 45:55.260
populations being sterilized,

45:55.260 --> 45:57.453
often without their consent or knowledge.

45:59.260 --> 46:01.760
That's because pronatalism is pro birth,

46:01.760 --> 46:03.113
but not every birth.

46:04.600 --> 46:09.063
At its core, pronatalism is
about controlling reproduction.

46:09.063 --> 46:10.488
(lock clangs shut)

46:11.780 --> 46:15.230
Slavery is the perfect example
of people's reproduction

46:15.230 --> 46:17.453
being used for the benefit of others.

46:19.150 --> 46:21.170
And since slavery,

46:21.170 --> 46:23.540
there has been biases
about which communities

46:23.540 --> 46:25.823
should reproduce and shouldn't reproduce.

46:28.210 --> 46:30.340
There's this concept called eugenics,

46:30.340 --> 46:34.030
which suggests that there are
some genetic reason why some

46:34.030 --> 46:36.980
communities are better
at one thing or another.

46:36.980 --> 46:40.233
And this idea was used
to help fuel racism.

46:41.280 --> 46:44.900
[Therese VO] Eugenics is a
now discredited pseudoscience.

46:44.900 --> 46:47.960
The term was coined in England in 1883,

46:47.960 --> 46:51.780
to promote the breeding of
so-called superior people.

46:51.780 --> 46:55.503
That is, people of white,
Northern European origin.

46:57.100 --> 46:58.980
In the early 1900s,

46:58.980 --> 47:02.430
Americans embraced eugenics
as the perfect tool

47:02.430 --> 47:05.020
for upholding white supremacy.

47:05.020 --> 47:08.020
In 1905, President Theodore Roosevelt

47:08.020 --> 47:10.503
warned Americans that
the country was doomed

47:10.503 --> 47:13.010
to a white race suicide,

47:13.010 --> 47:15.460
because minorities and immigrants

47:15.460 --> 47:18.733
were having far more babies
than white middle-class women.

47:20.020 --> 47:22.963
Forced sterilization was one solution.

47:24.170 --> 47:27.330
The eugenics movement used sterilization

47:27.330 --> 47:30.400
as a way of controlling reproduction.

47:30.400 --> 47:32.460
But they targeted Black and Latina,

47:32.460 --> 47:37.210
Native American women, people
that were disabled, prisoners,

47:37.210 --> 47:40.973
anyone that they thought that
socially should not reproduce.

47:42.540 --> 47:44.340
[Therese VO] It's difficult to overstate

47:44.340 --> 47:48.193
just how mainstream
eugenics was by the 1920s.

47:53.550 --> 47:57.440
One of its most ardent
admirers was Adolf Hitler.

47:57.440 --> 48:00.450
The Third Reich's extermination
of millions of Jews

48:00.450 --> 48:03.990
and other minorities in
the name of racial purity

48:03.990 --> 48:07.153
was inspired by American eugenics.

48:09.040 --> 48:11.720
Because of its connection
to Nazi genocide,

48:11.720 --> 48:15.063
The American Eugenics Society
slowly fell out of favor.

48:16.810 --> 48:19.773
But eugenics never really went away.

48:21.295 --> 48:22.650
I'm Puerto Rican.

48:22.650 --> 48:25.870
And a lot of the Puerto Rican people

48:25.870 --> 48:27.910
were part of this history

48:27.910 --> 48:30.773
of the eugenics movement's
forced sterilizations.

48:32.600 --> 48:35.700
In the 1970s, more and
more people of color

48:35.700 --> 48:38.020
were speaking out, so much
so that the government

48:38.020 --> 48:40.110
looked into it and found
that thousands of women

48:40.110 --> 48:42.300
were being sterilized each year,

48:42.300 --> 48:45.000
many of which did not know
that they were being sterilized

48:45.000 --> 48:47.450
or did not know that the
procedure was permanent.

48:48.909 --> 48:51.409
(tense music)

48:58.976 --> 49:02.567
(tense music)

49:13.050 --> 49:15.410
[Therese VO] The legacy
of forced sterilization

49:15.410 --> 49:18.760
makes it especially
complicated for women of color

49:18.760 --> 49:20.420
who don't want children.

49:20.420 --> 49:22.889
A big response that a lot of those of us

49:22.889 --> 49:26.450
of African and Hispanic descent receive

49:26.450 --> 49:29.530
when we talk about
sterilization by choice,

49:29.530 --> 49:33.210
that we are confirming
what whites want us to do.

49:33.210 --> 49:36.880
Stop having children, allow
the Black family to crumble,

49:36.880 --> 49:40.620
allow the Black community to
crumble, give in to eugenics.

49:40.620 --> 49:42.880
They'll say that you don't
understand what's going on.

49:42.880 --> 49:45.580
You don't understand the
history of our people.

49:45.580 --> 49:46.730
And I say, I understand all of that.

49:46.730 --> 49:49.630
I say, never question my African identity

49:49.630 --> 49:50.780
because I'm childfree.

49:53.810 --> 49:56.270
When we think about reproductive justice,

49:56.270 --> 49:58.770
we're including everyone.

49:58.770 --> 50:02.220
We're including people
who never want to conceive

50:02.220 --> 50:05.790
and should have every
right over their own bodies

50:05.790 --> 50:07.350
to choose that.

50:07.350 --> 50:10.750
And we're including women
who want to conceive

50:10.750 --> 50:13.686
and who aren't given that
option or opportunity.

50:13.686 --> 50:17.269
[Women chanting] My body, my
choice, my body, my choice.

50:17.269 --> 50:20.569
We will not go back, my body, my choice.

50:20.569 --> 50:21.630
[Therese] The white race suicide panic,

50:21.630 --> 50:24.590
which began shortly
after the end of slavery,

50:24.590 --> 50:27.000
continues to this day.

50:27.000 --> 50:30.640
White supremacists are still
terrorizing black and brown

50:30.640 --> 50:34.403
people and bullying white
women into having babies.

50:35.310 --> 50:37.990
What if the greatest menace to the health

50:37.990 --> 50:41.280
of the United States is us
and our declining population?

50:41.280 --> 50:44.120
American women are having so few babies.

50:44.120 --> 50:47.170
American women are having fewer babies.

50:47.170 --> 50:49.525
Baby boomers are retiring.

50:49.525 --> 50:51.540
I did my part, but you know,

50:51.540 --> 50:54.102
we need to have higher
birth rates in this country.

50:54.102 --> 50:57.568
(jazzy upbeat music)

51:02.050 --> 51:06.720
Mr. President, this is the real solution

51:06.720 --> 51:08.220
to climate change...

51:08.220 --> 51:09.361
Babies.

51:10.270 --> 51:15.203
Nations and countries need childbirths.

51:15.203 --> 51:17.340
Babies are good for the economy.

51:17.340 --> 51:21.090
Nations need us to be mothers.

51:21.090 --> 51:23.070
When population starts
to grow more slowly,

51:23.070 --> 51:25.460
you have fewer workers
supporting retirees.

51:25.460 --> 51:26.930
You can't pay for these benefits

51:26.930 --> 51:28.210
that we've promised the seniors.

51:28.210 --> 51:32.630
Capitalism depends on our work of love.

51:32.630 --> 51:35.160
Population really matters
for economic growth.

51:35.160 --> 51:38.850
Everybody benefits from it,

51:38.850 --> 51:42.000
but then everybody

51:42.000 --> 51:44.540
doesn't want to listen

51:44.540 --> 51:48.483
to what the carriers of this

51:48.483 --> 51:52.090
"work of love" want to say about it.

51:52.090 --> 51:56.310
And the prices that we pay for it.

51:56.310 --> 52:00.080
Our history in this country
really around reproduction

52:00.080 --> 52:04.200
is again, this view of women as vessels,

52:04.200 --> 52:07.570
rather than as independent thinking people

52:07.570 --> 52:10.393
who have dominion over their bodies.

52:11.910 --> 52:13.270
[Therese VO] Over the last century,

52:13.270 --> 52:15.640
the average number of babies per uterus

52:15.640 --> 52:17.763
has been up and down.
Through the depression,

52:20.675 --> 52:22.508
(running feet)
(heavy breathing)

52:24.100 --> 52:25.216
and the Baby Boom.

52:25.216 --> 52:27.820
(squeaking carriage wheels)

52:27.820 --> 52:31.592
Since the steep drop in the 1960s and 70s,

52:31.592 --> 52:33.000
(running feet)
(heavy breathing)

52:33.000 --> 52:36.870
the last 40 years have
actually been pretty steady.

52:36.870 --> 52:40.596
We're currently hovering
at 1.73 children per woman.

52:40.596 --> 52:41.829
[Running Woman] Yeah!

52:41.829 --> 52:44.800
[Therese VO] When women win
greater access to education,

52:44.800 --> 52:47.780
good jobs, and reproductive healthcare,

52:47.780 --> 52:49.860
they have fewer children.

52:49.860 --> 52:54.230
A drop in the fertility rate
is a sign of empowerment.

52:54.230 --> 52:56.760
It's only a problem for the men

52:56.760 --> 52:58.470
who can't make more of themselves

52:58.470 --> 53:01.107
without using someone else's uterus.

53:01.107 --> 53:05.360
I want every young woman to
know there's a place for you

53:05.360 --> 53:08.404
in America if you're pro-life.

53:08.404 --> 53:09.250
(people cheer)

53:09.250 --> 53:11.000
If you embrace your religion

53:11.920 --> 53:15.410
and you follow traditional
family structure,

53:15.410 --> 53:18.100
that you can go anywhere, young lady.

53:18.100 --> 53:19.674
(bagpipes)

53:19.674 --> 53:23.110
[Therese VO] Currently, the
Supreme Court is fully primed

53:23.110 --> 53:27.060
to strip away our ability
to control our bodies,

53:27.060 --> 53:29.333
whether we want children or not.

53:31.040 --> 53:36.040
This is something central
to a woman's life,

53:36.090 --> 53:38.130
to her dignity.

53:38.130 --> 53:41.140
It's a decision that she must make

53:43.205 --> 53:45.150
for herself.

53:45.150 --> 53:48.223
And when government controls
that decision for her,

53:49.820 --> 53:54.540
she is being treated as less
than a fully adult human

53:54.540 --> 53:58.708
responsible for her own choices.

54:02.932 --> 54:06.474
(Piano music: Kinderszenen,
by Robert Schumann)

54:09.475 --> 54:12.358
(purring)

54:14.320 --> 54:18.180
I know I didn't walk
around looking at babies

54:18.180 --> 54:20.963
and my mother-in-law
had this famous phrase.

54:22.200 --> 54:24.520
I don't see you having ever children

54:24.520 --> 54:26.830
because you only look at cats,

54:26.830 --> 54:27.663
which was true.

54:28.930 --> 54:31.400
I was more interested in the cats.

54:31.400 --> 54:32.623
Probably, I still am.

54:33.660 --> 54:36.800
So I've known, I've known for a while

54:36.800 --> 54:38.700
that I didn't want kids,

54:38.700 --> 54:42.283
but I'm here talking to you

54:42.283 --> 54:45.166
because you did want kids.

54:45.166 --> 54:46.650
(laughter)
I did have kids.

54:46.650 --> 54:48.410
You had kids.
Yeah.

54:48.410 --> 54:50.770
You had kids, but you didn't want kids?

54:50.770 --> 54:52.800
It's complicated.

54:52.800 --> 54:53.633
Okay.

54:54.800 --> 54:56.690
[Therese VO] My parents
were born in Romania

54:56.690 --> 54:59.550
just before the start of World War II.

54:59.550 --> 55:02.483
They survived the Germans
and then the Soviets.

55:03.610 --> 55:07.600
In 1961, newly married and
in their early twenties,

55:07.600 --> 55:09.840
they were finally able to flee to Israel

55:09.840 --> 55:11.523
as political refugees.

55:14.600 --> 55:16.170
I didn't know I was pregnant.

55:16.170 --> 55:19.000
We boarded the ship,
it was a Turkish ship.

55:19.000 --> 55:20.690
And we had dinner the first night

55:20.690 --> 55:24.410
and it took three days to
get to Haifa in Israel.

55:24.410 --> 55:26.000
And for the three days I was sick.

55:26.000 --> 55:27.690
Then when we got to Israel,

55:27.690 --> 55:29.870
I went to stay with my cousin Jozi,

55:29.870 --> 55:32.810
and I kept being sick, which was strange,

55:32.810 --> 55:35.630
because it didn't move anymore.

55:35.630 --> 55:37.620
So Jozi said, you have
to go to see a doctor,

55:37.620 --> 55:38.830
something's wrong with you.

55:38.830 --> 55:39.820
We went to see a doctor.

55:39.820 --> 55:41.810
He told me I'm pregnant.

55:41.810 --> 55:45.150
Jozi, my cousin, that I
stayed with in the beginning,

55:45.150 --> 55:48.380
she assumed that I want an abortion,

55:48.380 --> 55:51.400
because there was no way to
have a baby in these conditions.

55:51.400 --> 55:54.860
Starting from the
beginning, in a new country,

55:54.860 --> 55:56.010
not knowing the language,

55:56.010 --> 55:59.680
totally illiterate, two
more years of university...

55:59.680 --> 56:01.022
No money.

56:01.022 --> 56:02.455
No baby.

56:03.290 --> 56:04.990
And she went from tzrif to tzrif

56:04.990 --> 56:08.000
and she said, my cousin is pregnant

56:08.000 --> 56:09.310
and she needs an abortion.

56:09.310 --> 56:11.720
And everybody put a bit
of money in the hat.

56:11.720 --> 56:13.620
And she came back to the tzrif and say,

56:13.620 --> 56:15.748
here's money for an abortion.

56:15.748 --> 56:16.581
[Therese VO] How did you feel

56:16.581 --> 56:17.537
when she that she had done that?

56:17.537 --> 56:18.810
Well, how I feel?

56:18.810 --> 56:21.287
I thought she was magnificent.

56:21.287 --> 56:23.674
(laughing) I mean to
produce something like this,

56:23.674 --> 56:25.769
can you imagine?

56:25.769 --> 56:27.690
And I could have an abortion.

56:27.690 --> 56:31.114
And for some reason, which I think

56:31.114 --> 56:33.631
it's magic or whatever,

56:33.631 --> 56:35.620
I knew it was you.

56:35.620 --> 56:38.500
And I said, you know,
I believe in abortion.

56:38.500 --> 56:41.220
Everybody can have a choice,
whatever they want to do,

56:41.220 --> 56:44.590
but that wasn't a choice for
me at that point in life.

56:44.590 --> 56:47.040
And I was also scared.

56:47.040 --> 56:50.930
I was going to use an ugly
word, how scared I was,

56:50.930 --> 56:54.090
because I couldn't see
how we're going to cope.

56:54.090 --> 56:56.078
I'm really all teared up now.

56:56.078 --> 56:58.561
And I know the story, I've
heard it so many times.

56:58.561 --> 57:01.569
You know, when it happened,
it was life, you know?

57:03.730 --> 57:05.533
I was considered selfish,

57:06.590 --> 57:09.283
seriously selfish, because I had a child.

57:11.020 --> 57:13.400
[Therese VO] I love this. I
have a copy of this photo.

57:13.400 --> 57:17.560
Yeah, this is a nice one.
And you guys are very cute.

57:17.560 --> 57:19.172
You're very happy.
Yes, we were happy.

57:19.172 --> 57:20.268
You seem happy.

57:20.268 --> 57:21.343
You don't seem like you're thinking,

57:21.343 --> 57:23.372
I've made the most horrible
mistake of my life.

57:23.372 --> 57:24.765
- No, no.
Please take this

57:24.765 --> 57:26.309
away from me.
- No, no, no.

57:26.309 --> 57:27.750
No, actually, when I made the decision,

57:27.750 --> 57:29.340
I knew this was a good decision.

57:29.340 --> 57:30.470
- Yeah.
- So I never-

57:30.470 --> 57:32.617
I never regretted it.

57:33.729 --> 57:36.312
(gentle music)

57:45.060 --> 57:47.090
[Therese VO] I've been told many times

57:47.090 --> 57:50.030
that I'd regret not having a child,

57:50.030 --> 57:51.660
but I know in my heart

57:51.660 --> 57:53.935
that I would have regretted having one.

57:56.580 --> 57:59.900
When I think of all of the times

57:59.900 --> 58:02.633
that I decided not to have children,

58:04.590 --> 58:07.850
each time I was testing myself.

58:07.850 --> 58:09.910
Are you sure? Are you sure?

58:09.910 --> 58:14.360
And the fact is, I was sure all my life.

58:14.360 --> 58:17.700
If I'm like 80 and I'm
like, oh, I wish I had kids,

58:17.700 --> 58:21.780
I would be happier having that regret,

58:21.780 --> 58:24.820
if happier is a word to be
used to describe regret,

58:24.820 --> 58:28.137
than having a kid and like

58:28.137 --> 58:30.312
fully regretting that,

58:30.312 --> 58:32.073
which by the way I can picture.

58:34.160 --> 58:35.860
He's very cute.

58:35.860 --> 58:37.860
Do you regret it, not having children?

58:39.650 --> 58:41.713
Oh, I'm sorry, that's too personal.

58:43.010 --> 58:45.041
Do you ever regret having them?

58:48.600 --> 58:51.470
[Therese VO] In 2018, Anne
Kingston wrote a cover story

58:51.470 --> 58:53.093
on maternal regret.

58:54.360 --> 58:58.120
And like her 2009 article
on childfree lives,

58:58.120 --> 59:01.660
there was a huge reader response.

59:01.660 --> 59:02.760
I don't think I've written a story

59:02.760 --> 59:06.340
where there's been such a
uniform positive response to it,

59:06.340 --> 59:09.493
and just an interest in discussing it.

59:10.910 --> 59:14.040
I think the reason it resonates
now is because we're seeing

59:14.040 --> 59:16.670
it writ large on social media,

59:16.670 --> 59:21.630
Facebook groups allow people
to find a community to speak,

59:21.630 --> 59:26.570
yet you know, be anonymous about
a very contentious subject.

59:28.736 --> 59:31.319
(gentle music)

59:41.460 --> 59:43.410
We're seeing scholarly research,

59:43.410 --> 59:45.970
which gives it a legitimacy
for the very first time,

59:45.970 --> 59:49.120
it's taken seriously as
a sociological subject.

59:49.120 --> 59:51.383
Orna Donath's book has done that.

59:52.220 --> 59:54.770
[Therese VO] Anne's article was inspired

59:54.770 --> 59:55.603
by "Regretting Motherhood,"

59:55.603 --> 59:57.950
Orna Donath's groundbreaking book,

59:57.950 --> 01:00:01.090
which revealed the first-person
experiences of women

01:00:01.090 --> 01:00:03.860
who regretted their
decision to have children.

01:00:03.860 --> 01:00:08.220
There is an assumption that
if you regret being a mother,

01:00:08.220 --> 01:00:11.150
then you hate your children.

01:00:11.150 --> 01:00:15.083
And all of the women who
participated in my study said,

01:00:16.230 --> 01:00:18.390
I love my children.

01:00:18.390 --> 01:00:20.320
I hate being their mother.

01:00:20.320 --> 01:00:21.620
I think people think, oh, well,

01:00:21.620 --> 01:00:25.270
a regretful mother is a bad
mother, an unattentive mother.

01:00:25.270 --> 01:00:27.990
Ironically, often these
mothers are even more attentive

01:00:27.990 --> 01:00:29.553
because they feel this guilt.

01:00:30.610 --> 01:00:33.193
(gentle music)

01:00:44.530 --> 01:00:47.012
A lot of people feel like they'll conform

01:00:47.012 --> 01:00:52.012
to what society asks of them.

01:00:52.530 --> 01:00:54.340
So I have lots of patients who say, well,

01:00:54.340 --> 01:00:57.110
I guess if my partner
would really want a child,

01:00:57.110 --> 01:00:58.518
I would do it.

01:01:03.547 --> 01:01:07.650
I can't imagine becoming a mother

01:01:07.650 --> 01:01:12.560
and living for three decades miserable.

01:01:12.560 --> 01:01:16.701
Just because maybe, maybe,

01:01:16.701 --> 01:01:19.230
maybe, maybe, maybe

01:01:19.230 --> 01:01:24.230
at the age of 70, if I will
get there, I will regret.

01:01:24.780 --> 01:01:27.340
Ruthie kept pretty much to herself.

01:01:27.340 --> 01:01:29.260
Never married.
- Uh-huh.

01:01:29.260 --> 01:01:31.103
She died in there, you know.

01:01:33.610 --> 01:01:36.030
- She did?
- Oh yes.

01:01:36.030 --> 01:01:40.810
It was a week before
anyone realized she passed.

01:01:40.810 --> 01:01:44.003
Rumor has it, the cat ate half her face.

01:01:45.180 --> 01:01:46.743
So just you?

01:01:47.630 --> 01:01:50.380
What's gonna happen to you when you're 70?

01:01:50.380 --> 01:01:53.060
Aren't you gonna look
back on your life and say,

01:01:53.060 --> 01:01:55.320
oh no, I should've had children,

01:01:55.320 --> 01:01:58.650
because now I'm making my own decisions

01:01:58.650 --> 01:02:01.960
about whether to go into a nursing home.

01:02:01.960 --> 01:02:03.520
And I don't, and I don't have any kids

01:02:03.520 --> 01:02:04.930
to help move me into it.

01:02:04.930 --> 01:02:06.670
It's really fucked up to imagine

01:02:06.670 --> 01:02:08.570
that a person would
create another human being

01:02:08.570 --> 01:02:10.240
to take care of them.

01:02:10.240 --> 01:02:14.030
- Would you call it selfish?
- Yeah, that's selfish.

01:02:14.030 --> 01:02:15.460
If you're having a child,

01:02:15.460 --> 01:02:17.580
and you're assuming this child
when they get to a certain

01:02:17.580 --> 01:02:19.600
age is gonna want to take care of you,

01:02:19.600 --> 01:02:21.610
you better be a spectacular parent

01:02:21.610 --> 01:02:24.270
or that child better have so
many like codependent issues

01:02:24.270 --> 01:02:26.030
that they can't bear to be away from you.

01:02:26.030 --> 01:02:28.130
It's not this thing where you have kids,

01:02:28.130 --> 01:02:30.040
and then you're guaranteed
to have someone,

01:02:30.040 --> 01:02:31.530
a companion in your golden years.

01:02:31.530 --> 01:02:33.830
More than likely your
kid is just gonna be out

01:02:33.830 --> 01:02:34.910
living their own life,

01:02:34.910 --> 01:02:37.000
and you're gonna have to
find your own relationships

01:02:37.000 --> 01:02:39.110
and friendships and support structures.

01:02:39.110 --> 01:02:42.400
We're moving towards a world with options.

01:02:42.400 --> 01:02:44.160
We're moving towards a
world in which people

01:02:44.160 --> 01:02:46.290
can set up all kinds of families.

01:02:46.290 --> 01:02:50.496
What we can look forward to
is a diversity of families.

01:02:50.496 --> 01:02:53.200
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

01:02:53.200 --> 01:02:55.130
I was just feeling some
kind of way about my life

01:02:55.130 --> 01:02:57.420
the other day, and I like
re-watched "The Golden Girls."

01:02:57.420 --> 01:02:59.520
They eat so many
cheesecakes and ice creams.

01:02:59.520 --> 01:03:01.740
I'm like, ladies, this is the life, honey.

01:03:01.740 --> 01:03:05.720
Oh, do you know how many
problems we have solved

01:03:05.720 --> 01:03:08.810
over a cheesecake at this kitchen table?

01:03:08.810 --> 01:03:11.010
We console each other, we help each other,

01:03:11.010 --> 01:03:12.483
we advise each other.

01:03:13.656 --> 01:03:15.619
And then, we talk about sex again.

01:03:15.619 --> 01:03:17.510
(audience laughs)

01:03:17.510 --> 01:03:20.330
[Therese VO] The nuclear
family does not have a monopoly

01:03:20.330 --> 01:03:23.503
on love, support, or legitimacy.

01:03:25.820 --> 01:03:28.090
Pat and Margaret are a
couple in their sixties,

01:03:28.090 --> 01:03:30.610
living in Durham, North Carolina.

01:03:30.610 --> 01:03:33.750
Like many LGBT folks of their generation,

01:03:33.750 --> 01:03:37.290
parenthood was not part of their script.

01:03:37.290 --> 01:03:40.256
I married a man at 22

01:03:40.256 --> 01:03:43.922
and he was a child himself.

01:03:43.922 --> 01:03:47.613
And so thankfully we never
had children of our own.

01:03:48.710 --> 01:03:50.680
Divorced at 28.

01:03:50.680 --> 01:03:54.930
And when I divorced, I said,

01:03:54.930 --> 01:03:58.350
well, if I don't have
kids by the time I'm 40,

01:03:58.350 --> 01:04:00.110
maybe I'll adopt.

01:04:00.110 --> 01:04:03.317
And then what happened instead was,

01:04:03.317 --> 01:04:04.800
I became a lesbian.

01:04:04.800 --> 01:04:08.700
I came out as a lesbian
at age 40, basically.

01:04:08.700 --> 01:04:10.533
And so that was the birth.

01:04:11.465 --> 01:04:16.465
And there were no children ever
passed my brain after that.

01:04:16.855 --> 01:04:19.478
(sound of car engine)

01:04:19.478 --> 01:04:21.340
[Therese VO] Pat and
Margaret are literally

01:04:21.340 --> 01:04:25.177
building their own future on this land...

01:04:25.177 --> 01:04:29.053
an LGBT co-housing
community outside Durham.

01:04:30.120 --> 01:04:33.200
(people chatting)

01:04:33.200 --> 01:04:35.457
They say it takes a
village to raise a child,

01:04:35.457 --> 01:04:38.240
and it takes a village, I
think, to age gracefully

01:04:38.240 --> 01:04:40.080
and age happily.

01:04:40.080 --> 01:04:41.640
So we need our community.

01:04:41.640 --> 01:04:44.740
So that's why we came
up with Village Hearth.

01:04:44.740 --> 01:04:46.490
(people chatting)

01:04:46.490 --> 01:04:49.730
This whole thing is about
relationships with other people.

01:04:49.730 --> 01:04:53.490
And I just choose that the relationships

01:04:53.490 --> 01:04:56.247
will be with adult people.

01:04:56.247 --> 01:04:58.292
(laughter)

01:04:58.292 --> 01:04:59.808
Congratulations!

01:04:59.808 --> 01:05:01.016
[Man offscreen] This
place will never get built

01:05:01.016 --> 01:05:01.849
at that rate!

01:05:01.849 --> 01:05:05.272
Come on, come on, let's move the dirt!

01:05:05.272 --> 01:05:10.219
(people laughing and chatting)
- Move the dirt over there.

01:05:15.489 --> 01:05:17.850
Woooooooo

01:05:17.850 --> 01:05:19.921
[Therese VO] Blair Koenig, the creator of

01:05:19.921 --> 01:05:21.830
Shut the Fuck Up, Parents,

01:05:21.830 --> 01:05:25.120
had become a parent herself.

01:05:25.120 --> 01:05:27.870
I took years to make
that choice with a person

01:05:27.870 --> 01:05:30.360
that I've known for almost 20 years now.

01:05:30.360 --> 01:05:33.650
And we're like on year one with this kid.

01:05:33.650 --> 01:05:35.450
And I think that sometimes
we do look at each other

01:05:35.450 --> 01:05:36.680
and wonder if we were gonna do this,

01:05:36.680 --> 01:05:37.720
why we didn't do it sooner,

01:05:37.720 --> 01:05:41.711
but it's because it is such
a monumental life shift.

01:05:41.711 --> 01:05:43.700
Okay, okay.

01:05:43.700 --> 01:05:46.870
You can find love and joy in
all of these different areas

01:05:46.870 --> 01:05:48.530
of life, whether you're a parent or not,

01:05:48.530 --> 01:05:50.670
but the people who really
go out of their way,

01:05:50.670 --> 01:05:53.880
especially in my case
to tell me specifically,

01:05:53.880 --> 01:05:56.170
you will not understand
until you have a child,

01:05:56.170 --> 01:05:59.390
now I can say for sure, no, I do have one.

01:05:59.390 --> 01:06:01.503
I still fundamentally disagree.

01:06:02.416 --> 01:06:04.066
(swing squeaks)

01:06:05.239 --> 01:06:06.310
For months we were telling people like,

01:06:06.310 --> 01:06:09.870
you can be an aunt or an uncle
to your friend's children,

01:06:09.870 --> 01:06:12.050
and you'll be fine.

01:06:12.050 --> 01:06:13.950
In fact, you'll be great!

01:06:13.950 --> 01:06:14.783
(laughs)

01:06:15.740 --> 01:06:18.970
There's no reason to have
one if you don't want one,

01:06:18.970 --> 01:06:21.272
you know, it just makes no sense.

01:06:21.272 --> 01:06:22.622
(Offscreen thud)

01:06:22.622 --> 01:06:23.580
Ow!
(laughs)

01:06:23.580 --> 01:06:24.413
Ow.

01:06:25.453 --> 01:06:28.036
(upbeat music)

01:06:30.930 --> 01:06:34.140
[Leo] It's really important
to us to support young people

01:06:34.140 --> 01:06:36.780
in our family of choice communities,

01:06:36.780 --> 01:06:39.130
and a lot of research shows
how important it is for

01:06:39.130 --> 01:06:41.340
young people to have trusted
adults in their lives,

01:06:41.340 --> 01:06:44.378
beyond just their parents
and immediate family.

01:06:44.378 --> 01:06:47.020
(crowd noise)

01:06:47.020 --> 01:06:49.240
Something we have loved doing for years

01:06:49.240 --> 01:06:52.180
is showing up for queer prom.
(crowd noise)

01:06:52.180 --> 01:06:55.073
All right, fantastic-looking
folks, come on down.

01:06:55.910 --> 01:06:57.780
[Woman] This is her
first, like, queer event.

01:06:57.780 --> 01:06:59.040
Oh, mazel tov!

01:06:59.040 --> 01:07:01.430
Well, this is the best one
to start out with, maybe,

01:07:01.430 --> 01:07:03.670
if I can get this on to you.
(offscreen laughter)

01:07:03.670 --> 01:07:05.700
Young queer and trans people,

01:07:05.700 --> 01:07:08.350
often they don't feel as
supported going to their proms

01:07:08.350 --> 01:07:09.183
at their high schools.

01:07:09.183 --> 01:07:12.777
They weren't supported by their
parents or administration.

01:07:12.777 --> 01:07:14.260
(dance music)

01:07:14.260 --> 01:07:15.790
[Leo] I think it's
important for both of us

01:07:15.790 --> 01:07:19.410
to be role models and guides.

01:07:19.410 --> 01:07:21.450
It's our way of giving
back and being the adult

01:07:21.450 --> 01:07:25.508
we wish we had in our lives
when we were growing up.

01:07:25.508 --> 01:07:27.943
♪ Get down tonight ♪

01:07:27.943 --> 01:07:29.736
♪ Do a little dance ♪

01:07:29.736 --> 01:07:31.041
This is our community. This is our family.

01:07:31.041 --> 01:07:32.580
Family is family, however you make it.

01:07:32.580 --> 01:07:34.482
And this is how we've made ours.

01:07:34.482 --> 01:07:37.702
♪ Get down tonight ♪

01:07:37.702 --> 01:07:40.218
(dance music)

01:07:45.835 --> 01:07:47.000
(gentle piano music)

01:07:47.000 --> 01:07:48.800
[Therese VO] One of the things that I love

01:07:48.800 --> 01:07:52.270
about being childfree is
having the time and freedom

01:07:52.270 --> 01:07:53.533
to show up for people.

01:07:55.130 --> 01:07:57.500
About a year after I first met Lauren,

01:07:57.500 --> 01:07:59.258
she shared some big news.

01:08:00.203 --> 01:08:05.186
(notifications pinging)

01:08:11.900 --> 01:08:14.590
[Therese VO] Thanks to a
crowdsourced list on Reddit,

01:08:14.590 --> 01:08:16.700
Lauren found a doctor in Seattle

01:08:16.700 --> 01:08:18.883
to do her sterilization procedure.

01:08:23.366 --> 01:08:24.870
We are headed into Rite Aid

01:08:24.870 --> 01:08:28.133
to get some pre- and
post-surgery supplies.

01:08:29.344 --> 01:08:30.560
(traffic noise)

01:08:31.600 --> 01:08:33.500
I'm so happy that I could actually be here

01:08:33.500 --> 01:08:36.140
and be experiencing this
because it's something

01:08:36.140 --> 01:08:39.710
that has been in my dreams
for a number of years,

01:08:39.710 --> 01:08:42.447
especially due to my anxiety
surrounding pregnancy

01:08:42.447 --> 01:08:43.840
and all of that.

01:08:43.840 --> 01:08:47.470
And being able to actually achieve

01:08:47.470 --> 01:08:50.270
what I set out two years ago
when I started putting together

01:08:50.270 --> 01:08:52.590
my sterilization binder, and be in a place

01:08:52.590 --> 01:08:56.707
where that's actually paying
off is-it's amazing to me.

01:08:56.707 --> 01:08:59.290
(bright music)

01:09:00.470 --> 01:09:02.270
[Therese VO] Lauren's boyfriend Kevin

01:09:02.270 --> 01:09:04.697
flew in from Toronto to support her.

01:09:06.310 --> 01:09:07.163
[Lauren] Thank you, you too.

01:09:10.632 --> 01:09:13.299
(bright music)

01:09:14.240 --> 01:09:16.806
(lightly laughing)

01:09:30.030 --> 01:09:31.757
OK, so we just got a message.

01:09:31.757 --> 01:09:33.907
"I'm in recovery right now.

01:09:33.907 --> 01:09:35.910
Not sure about discharge time."

01:09:35.910 --> 01:09:39.290
So, I guess everything went
well, if she's texting.

01:09:39.290 --> 01:09:40.640
So that's really good news.

01:09:41.880 --> 01:09:43.620
- That was easy.
- Surprisingly

01:09:43.620 --> 01:09:45.800
That was really easy.
- Hello.

01:09:45.800 --> 01:09:47.570
They said I would spend
about a half an hour

01:09:47.570 --> 01:09:51.220
in the first recovery room
before he was allowed in.

01:09:51.220 --> 01:09:53.040
I spent about five minutes in there.

01:09:53.040 --> 01:09:55.460
'Cause I immediately just
started talking to the nurse

01:09:55.460 --> 01:09:58.603
and being like, hey,
what's up, how's life?

01:10:01.380 --> 01:10:04.438
Also like literally,

01:10:04.438 --> 01:10:06.171
I have the tiniest band-aid in the world.

01:10:06.171 --> 01:10:07.693
- Wow, look at that.
- That's it.

01:10:08.770 --> 01:10:10.573
It's the world's smallest incision.

01:10:11.530 --> 01:10:14.430
They said there will be a bit
of bruising, but no worries.

01:10:17.000 --> 01:10:18.657
Why does it have to-

01:10:20.986 --> 01:10:24.181
Here, I'll get these to the other side.

01:10:26.073 --> 01:10:28.740
(bright music)

01:10:30.200 --> 01:10:32.210
[Therese VO] I asked Lauren
what she would say to someone

01:10:32.210 --> 01:10:34.980
who was appalled that a 20-year-old woman

01:10:34.980 --> 01:10:36.413
would get sterilized.

01:10:38.440 --> 01:10:40.580
I don't know what to say to them, really.

01:10:40.580 --> 01:10:44.110
I mean, that's one of the
reasons that I don't tell people,

01:10:44.110 --> 01:10:46.700
because I know people might be appalled.

01:10:46.700 --> 01:10:48.410
Because I know that they wouldn't approve

01:10:48.410 --> 01:10:51.230
and I'd rather just
keep something to myself

01:10:51.230 --> 01:10:54.773
until they will start to
understand me because I'm older.

01:10:59.426 --> 01:11:01.941
(energetic music)

01:11:01.941 --> 01:11:04.608
(siren wailing)

01:11:07.344 --> 01:11:10.427
(tattoo machine buzzing)

01:11:13.750 --> 01:11:16.080
So I had this vision in my head

01:11:16.080 --> 01:11:18.560
of a tattoo of a woman giving birth

01:11:18.560 --> 01:11:20.630
to something other than babies.

01:11:20.630 --> 01:11:23.870
There are books for literature
and there is a microscope

01:11:23.870 --> 01:11:25.310
for science and medicine.

01:11:25.310 --> 01:11:28.393
There are the scales of
justice, for law and justice.

01:11:33.410 --> 01:11:35.743
The more that we all share our stories,

01:11:36.600 --> 01:11:38.060
the better off we all are,

01:11:38.060 --> 01:11:41.100
because that is how we
break out of these scripts

01:11:41.100 --> 01:11:42.890
that are written for us.

01:11:42.890 --> 01:11:44.440
(tattoo machine buzzing)

01:11:45.675 --> 01:11:47.940
Oh, it's great. I'm so happy.

01:11:47.940 --> 01:11:51.210
I love like how dark, how
much black you put inside

01:11:51.210 --> 01:11:52.417
like, the womb.

01:11:53.850 --> 01:11:55.165
It looks fantastic.

01:12:00.603 --> 01:12:03.483
[Woman] So what motivated
you for this thing?

01:12:03.483 --> 01:12:04.316
So...

01:12:04.316 --> 01:12:06.759
(laughing)
- Are you a scientist?

01:12:06.759 --> 01:12:08.039
Are you-
- No, so I'm...

01:12:08.039 --> 01:12:08.872
well sort of.

01:12:08.872 --> 01:12:11.221
I'm a social-a sociologist.
- Oh, OK.

01:12:11.221 --> 01:12:12.740
So I'm interested in all
of the reasons that women

01:12:12.740 --> 01:12:13.740
don't want to have children.

01:12:13.740 --> 01:12:15.640
and like all the things
that women can give birth

01:12:15.640 --> 01:12:18.902
to other than children.
- We have dogs.

01:12:18.902 --> 01:12:20.802
- So like science, literature.
- We skipped children.

01:12:20.802 --> 01:12:22.140
Why didn't we put a dog on there?

01:12:22.140 --> 01:12:22.973
You need to put a dog on there,

01:12:22.973 --> 01:12:24.370
because we have dogs instead of kids.

01:12:24.370 --> 01:12:25.750
Yeah, so we have, I mean,

01:12:25.750 --> 01:12:27.790
I had dogs and I have cats also, so.

01:12:27.790 --> 01:12:29.230
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, so.

01:12:29.230 --> 01:12:31.140
But yeah.
- Okay, totally cool,

01:12:31.140 --> 01:12:33.639
enjoy your tat.
- Thank you, thank you.

01:12:33.639 --> 01:12:36.989
(bright music)

01:12:48.820 --> 01:12:53.270
[Therese VO] I got my period
every month for 38 years.

01:12:53.270 --> 01:12:56.770
When I was 52, it stopped.

01:12:56.770 --> 01:12:58.950
It was menopause.

01:12:58.950 --> 01:13:01.617
(celebratory music)

01:13:07.000 --> 01:13:11.070
No more bleeding, no
more pain, no more pills.

01:13:11.070 --> 01:13:14.010
No more possibility of getting pregnant.

01:13:14.010 --> 01:13:17.373
Finally, I could relax.

01:13:21.470 --> 01:13:22.860
I was told it was horrendous.

01:13:22.860 --> 01:13:25.377
It is horrendous, but
then it's magnificent.

01:13:25.377 --> 01:13:26.615
Something to look forward to.

01:13:27.807 --> 01:13:30.390
(bright music)

01:13:36.042 --> 01:13:38.750
[Therese VO] What do we need to thrive?

01:13:38.750 --> 01:13:42.090
To know love, to be a family,

01:13:42.090 --> 01:13:43.973
to grow old with joy?

01:13:45.060 --> 01:13:49.690
In a world that's open
and full of possibility,

01:13:49.690 --> 01:13:51.863
we can imagine different lives.

01:13:52.780 --> 01:13:57.330
Because self invention
is not only possible,

01:13:57.330 --> 01:13:59.150
it's necessary.

01:14:03.615 --> 01:14:04.773
(audience applause)

01:14:04.773 --> 01:14:09.010
In 2013, Marcia told her
story on her own terms,

01:14:09.010 --> 01:14:12.883
in her memoir, "Confessions
of a Child-Free Woman."

01:14:15.270 --> 01:14:17.420
[Therese VO] Do you
regret anything, Marcia?

01:14:18.320 --> 01:14:22.170
Yes, yes, I do regret something.

01:14:22.170 --> 01:14:24.861
I regret that I was afraid

01:14:24.861 --> 01:14:29.270
to write a book until I was 70.

01:14:29.270 --> 01:14:32.660
What a waste, what a loss.

01:14:32.660 --> 01:14:36.950
I regret that I didn't wrap
my heart around this book

01:14:36.950 --> 01:14:40.500
and start putting it out as
Ellen Peck had done for me.

01:14:40.500 --> 01:14:42.180
And now that I've done it,

01:14:42.180 --> 01:14:44.400
I can see now why Ellen Peck did it.

01:14:44.400 --> 01:14:48.960
And I'm hoping that by this conversation

01:14:48.960 --> 01:14:50.790
and by this kind of a film,

01:14:50.790 --> 01:14:53.930
there'll be other people
who step up to the plate

01:14:53.930 --> 01:14:56.240
with joy and excitement and passion,

01:14:56.240 --> 01:14:58.850
and reach out and whatever they, whatever,

01:14:58.850 --> 01:15:00.740
however they can and say,

01:15:00.740 --> 01:15:05.177
I am childfree and it's fabulous.

01:15:05.177 --> 01:15:07.760
(bright music)

01:15:39.670 --> 01:15:42.420
(Kiss Kiss I'm Fabulous, by Miss Eaves)

01:15:52.188 --> 01:15:53.631
♪ Stomp stomp. Head high ♪

01:15:53.631 --> 01:15:54.920
♪ I serve, yea! Kiss the mirror ♪

01:15:54.920 --> 01:15:56.052
♪ 'Cause I know that I'm worth it ♪

01:15:56.052 --> 01:15:57.651
♪ Try and tell me I'm undeserving ♪

01:15:57.651 --> 01:15:58.936
♪ My body is fine ♪

01:15:58.936 --> 01:15:59.771
♪ Heard that? ♪

01:15:59.771 --> 01:16:01.475
♪ Swing my body. I work it! ♪

01:16:01.475 --> 01:16:03.128
♪ Bounce off casted aspersions ♪

01:16:03.128 --> 01:16:04.900
♪ Talk's cheap. They haven't earned it ♪

01:16:04.900 --> 01:16:06.675
♪ Undefined by their lip service ♪

01:16:06.675 --> 01:16:08.659
♪ All these rules 'bout how to fit in ♪

01:16:08.659 --> 01:16:10.280
♪ Watch me dodge these opinions ♪

01:16:10.280 --> 01:16:12.131
♪ Crop top round belly I'm chillin' ♪

01:16:12.131 --> 01:16:13.988
♪ Curvy in bodycon I'm livin' ♪

01:16:13.988 --> 01:16:15.870
♪ Lines on my face: embrace it ♪

01:16:15.870 --> 01:16:17.635
♪ Comparisons are time wasting ♪

01:16:17.635 --> 01:16:19.635
♪ Let go of self-hatred ♪

01:16:19.635 --> 01:16:21.177
♪ Decolonize. Erase it. ♪

01:16:21.177 --> 01:16:22.937
♪ Criticism static ♪

01:16:22.937 --> 01:16:24.502
♪ Hating is so tragic ♪

01:16:24.502 --> 01:16:26.337
♪ I know I am fantastic ♪

01:16:26.337 --> 01:16:28.294
♪ I got that black girl magic ♪

01:16:28.294 --> 01:16:30.221
♪ Blah blah in my ear ♪

01:16:30.221 --> 01:16:31.951
♪ I don't wanna hear ♪

01:16:31.951 --> 01:16:33.536
♪ Who can crush my spirit? ♪

01:16:33.536 --> 01:16:35.141
♪ I kill it. Really really ♪

01:16:35.141 --> 01:16:36.831
♪ Really really. Really really. ♪

01:16:36.831 --> 01:16:38.514
♪ Really really. Really really. ♪

01:16:38.514 --> 01:16:39.832
♪ Really really. ♪

01:16:39.832 --> 01:16:41.480
♪ I kill it. Really really. ♪

01:16:41.480 --> 01:16:43.078
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪

01:16:43.078 --> 01:16:44.852
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪

01:16:44.852 --> 01:16:46.792
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪

01:16:46.792 --> 01:16:48.611
♪ Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss ♪

01:16:48.611 --> 01:16:50.172
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪

01:16:50.172 --> 01:16:51.971
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪

01:16:51.971 --> 01:16:53.465
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪

01:16:53.465 --> 01:16:56.180
♪ Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss ♪

01:16:56.180 --> 01:16:57.811
♪ Criticism static ♪

01:16:57.811 --> 01:16:59.629
♪ Hating is so tragic. ♪

01:16:59.629 --> 01:17:01.390
♪ I know I am fantastic ♪

01:17:01.390 --> 01:17:03.251
♪ I got that black girl magic ♪

01:17:03.251 --> 01:17:05.027
♪ Blah blah in my ear ♪

01:17:05.027 --> 01:17:06.851
♪ I don't wanna hear ♪

01:17:06.851 --> 01:17:08.674
♪ Who can crush my spirit? ♪

01:17:08.674 --> 01:17:10.093
♪ I kill it. Really really ♪

01:17:10.093 --> 01:17:12.131
♪ Criticism static ♪

01:17:12.131 --> 01:17:13.955
♪ Hating is so tragic ♪

01:17:13.955 --> 01:17:15.651
♪ I know I am fantastic ♪

01:17:15.651 --> 01:17:17.512
♪ I got that black girl magic ♪

01:17:17.512 --> 01:17:19.411
♪ Blah blah in my ear ♪

01:17:19.411 --> 01:17:21.213
♪ I don't wanna hear ♪

01:17:21.213 --> 01:17:22.927
♪ Who can crush my spirit? ♪

01:17:22.927 --> 01:17:24.333
♪ I kill it. Really really. ♪

01:17:24.333 --> 01:17:26.128
♪ Really really. Really really. ♪

01:17:26.128 --> 01:17:27.828
♪ Really really. Really really. ♪

01:17:27.828 --> 01:17:29.320
♪ Really really. ♪

01:17:29.320 --> 01:17:31.070
[Therese offscreen] You
should have some cats, no?

01:17:31.070 --> 01:17:33.360
[Anne] Oh st-fuck off, Therese.

01:17:33.360 --> 01:17:34.850
I do not want cats.

01:17:34.850 --> 01:17:36.233
(laughing)