WEBVTT

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♪

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Wacky, eccentric,

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outrageous, crazy.

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Those words followed Tina
around her whole life.

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♪

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Tina was my big sister.

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When she was diagnosed
with manic depression,

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a lot of things
started to make sense.

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The manic energy of her highs,

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when she had no boundaries.

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The crushing lows of depression,

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when she wouldn\'t come out
of her room for days.

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Tina once told me I could never
imagine what she felt like

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because she
didn\'t feel anything.

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Tina died in 1994

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and I\'ll never know
if she wanted to end her life

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or was just trying
to escape the pain.

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I do know

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that she felt alone

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in a normal world.

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♪

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This is what it feels like
when you\'re manic.

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♪

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♪ All my life ♪

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♪ I\'ve been the slave
of consequence ♪

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♪

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♪ Wondering how ♪

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♪ This life could be
so intricate ♪

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♪

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♪ Will you free me
from the logic that I knew ♪

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♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

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It\'s like taking your
best day you\'ve ever had

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and multiplying it by a million.

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♪ Even if it is not true,
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

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♪

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Everything is entertaining
and everything is interesting.

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I was so clever
and I was so funny

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and I had so much energy.

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I was unstoppable.

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♪ Will you free me from the
logic that I knew, oh-oh-oh ♪

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You\'re high all day
and then at night, boom!

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That darkness comes on.

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♪ Even if it is not true,
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

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It\'s like having the flu
but a hundred times worse

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because it\'s like having
the flu in your mind.

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♪

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Do I think that people
view me in a certain way

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because they know
that I\'m bipolar?

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Of course.

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It\'s human nature.

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♪

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I\'m comfortable with being
labeled mentally ill

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but I\'m not comfortable
with being bipolar

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because it seems now
that the parts of my life

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that I enjoyed are now illness.

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♪

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(she giggles)

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♪

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When you\'re at the very height
of mania,

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before it goes to psychosis,

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you feel like God.

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♪

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I\'ve been hearing people
talk about for years

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that, like, they had
a schizophrenic uncle

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or, you know, they had
an uncle who was committed

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or, you know... I don\'t know
why I keep saying uncle.

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♪

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I\'m a makeup artist
and men\'s groomer.

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I have some
really amazing clients.

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I love my job.

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I\'ve done this for 20 years.

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Although, I have to say
moving to LA

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and trying to break
into the business here

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was the riskiest thing
I ever did.

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Within two months
of moving to LA

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I was planning my suicide.

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I sat crouched by my door

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muttering to myself,

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thoughts tumbling
over themselves.

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Before I knew it,
I was slicing myself

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and cutting myself.

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I remember thinking,
\"This is what crazy people

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look like in movies.\"

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My first knowledge of
the beginning of the bipolar,

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for me, is when I remember
hallucinations starting

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when I was eight years old.

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And then I first tried
to kill myself when I was 14.

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What I do remember
was I was exhausted.

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I was just so tired at 14.

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How was I gonna live
the rest of my life?

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I wasn\'t at the point
where I was planning

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or thought about other people

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or thought about
what my actions would do

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to anyone else.

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I slit my wrist,

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I passed out from loss of blood

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and I woke up at some point

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and cleaned myself up
and no one ever knew.

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♪

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I didn\'t even do a good job.

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♪

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I didn\'t get diagnosed until 31.

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♪

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I didn\'t have any money
or income or anything

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because I hadn\'t been working

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and I went to the
Hollywood Free Clinic on Sunset.

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That waiting room alone
is enough to do yourself in.

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I was diagnosed bipolar
in the five minute time

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I had with the
free psychiatrist.

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I said, \"I need help and I\'m
on the verge of breaking up\"

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because I never tried
to get help

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and they said, \"Well, we have
a three month waiting list.\"

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And I said, \"Well,
you don\'t understand,

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this is... I\'m going to kill
myself if I don\'t get help.\"

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And they said, \"Well, I\'m sorry,

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we have a three month
waiting list

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there\'s nothing we can do.\"

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♪

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There were many times
when I was younger,

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when I first moved out,
where I would live somewhere

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literally for like four to six
months and then I would move.

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I like to change my space,
literally.

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♪

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♪ I\'m considering a move to LA ♪

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♪ He\'s considering
a move to LA ♪

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♪ I\'m considering a move to LA ♪

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♪ He\'s considering
a move to LA ♪

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♪ I\'m considering a move to LA ♪

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♪ He\'s considering
a move to LA ♪

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♪

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Well, it got in here somehow.

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I didn\'t know a whole lot
about being bipolar.

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So it didn\'t bother me at all,

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I was like, \"That\'s cool.

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You\'re cute and cool,
so whatever,\"

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you know, I don\'t know.

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With Petey, this is
my first relationship

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I\'ve had in two years
since my divorce

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because I\'m just trying
to do everything

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totally different than
what I did in my marriage.

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Cheri was having a party
for some mutual friends of ours

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and I walked into the house

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and she was in her kitchen

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and she looked at me
and I looked at her and psh.

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Um, dude, I hate to be this guy.

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I think it just goes,
take one for the team.

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Sorry, sorry, Mr. Tree.

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One thing that my ex-husband
said to me towards the end

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was that he felt
like he had been lied to.

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When he met me, I was one person

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and then after we\'d been
together for about a year,

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I was a completely
different person.

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And it didn\'t matter that
that was my illness.

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Let me show you a good guitar.

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Let me show you my baby.

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Like the first time I noticed
her a bit a mania,

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I was like, \"Wow, Cheri\'s being
kind of odd tonight\" you know.

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And she actually
said something to me.

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She\'s like, \"I think
I\'m a bit manic tonight\"

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and I was like, \"Yeah,
you\'re being kind of odd.\"

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I can\'t tell if it\'s recording.

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If it has seconds on it,
like, that are moving?

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- Chances are it\'s recording.
- Okay, but there\'s a red dot

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- next to it.
- That probably means

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- it\'s recording.
- There\'s a red dot,

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red equals stop,
green equals go.

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(unintelligible)
the other buttons here.

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She was just all over the place.

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Anything from like, \"I need
to fix the blinds right now\"

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to like, \"I need to rearrange
the cupboard under the sink.\"

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And I was like, \"It\'s midnight,

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that\'s a bit odd,
it\'s not really you.\"

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When I first came
to look at this,

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literally all these finches

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were hopping around
in these bushes

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and chirping and being all
like sweet and Snow White-y

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and there were all these
butterflies flitting around

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and I was like,
\"I\'m home, I\'m here, yay!\"

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I just think she\'s amazing, man.

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She\'s fucking smart as can be.

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I wouldn\'t change
a thing about her,

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not a thing,

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not a thing.

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My neuroses are running rampant
at this point.

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I can\'t be classified as crazy.

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I mean, what will
my family think?

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What will my friends think,
what will my dog think?

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And so people don\'t get help

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and because they don\'t get help

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they\'re dying.

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And...

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it\'s ridiculous because...

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if it wasn\'t for all
the crazy people in the world,

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we would live in
a much more boring place.

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♪

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(bus horn honking)

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♪

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Well, let me
describe depression.

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Or maybe not.

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The reason I wrote the book

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was I was hospitalized
for severe depression

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and I looked around me

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and nobody seemed to be able
to talk about their illness.

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I learned a lot about
treatment and all that

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but it still wasn\'t describing
what it feels like

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to be manic or hypomanic
or depressed.

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The other night,
when I was depressed,

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I realized I really
should call my doctor.

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And I was in bed, it was 4:30,
I looked at the clock.

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It was 6:30 by the time
I was able to get my arm

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from the pillow to the phone.

00:11:16.466 --> 00:11:20.433
There is nothing worse
than not being able to move,

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being trapped inside
your own body

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and your own mind.

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♪

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Bipolar disorder is a condition
where you\'re prone

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to either being
chaotically immersed

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in irritability or mania,

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or you go into a rigid state
of depression and depletion.

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I like to think
of bipolar disorder

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as tone controls and
volume controls on a stereo.

00:11:45.400 --> 00:11:46.766
I mean, you\'re still
hearing the same music

00:11:46.833 --> 00:11:48.313
but you\'re hearing
it very differently

00:11:48.366 --> 00:11:51.000
depending on how you
adjust those things.

00:11:51.066 --> 00:11:53.400
It can lead to erratic behavior

00:11:53.466 --> 00:11:55.566
but you\'re still yourself.

00:11:55.633 --> 00:11:56.933
What?

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I have a disorder?

00:11:59.233 --> 00:12:03.666
A mental illness,
are you insane?

00:12:03.733 --> 00:12:06.633
Bipolar disorder
affects everything,

00:12:06.700 --> 00:12:09.700
everything you do,
because you carry it with you.

00:12:09.766 --> 00:12:13.133
There\'s no,
\"Oh, I\'m gonna calm down.\"

00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.466
You can\'t.

00:12:16.533 --> 00:12:18.600
It\'s your brain.

00:12:18.666 --> 00:12:21.866
(traffic humming)

00:12:21.933 --> 00:12:25.133
♪

00:12:25.200 --> 00:12:28.600
(coughing)

00:12:28.666 --> 00:12:31.000
Oh, lord.

00:12:31.066 --> 00:12:33.666
Life is weird.

00:12:33.733 --> 00:12:36.966
Life is truly weird.

00:12:37.033 --> 00:12:39.533
Only now that I\'m 65 years old

00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:43.400
am I really sort of getting
my life together, you know.

00:12:43.466 --> 00:12:45.700
It\'s kind of a little late

00:12:45.766 --> 00:12:48.533
but maybe not so late,
I don\'t know, who knows.

00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:56.600
♪

00:13:00.533 --> 00:13:04.300
I always felt this was
one of the best design motifs

00:13:04.366 --> 00:13:05.466
that we came up with.

00:13:05.533 --> 00:13:08.533
This has nice underground light.

00:13:08.600 --> 00:13:12.733
A lot of the stations
don\'t have a skylight.

00:13:12.800 --> 00:13:15.000
I\'m not a typical architect
in doing typical,

00:13:15.066 --> 00:13:17.700
kind of architectural things.

00:13:17.766 --> 00:13:20.033
I think I see
things differently.

00:13:20.100 --> 00:13:28.100
♪

00:13:36.633 --> 00:13:37.933
Two-sided paintings.

00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:40.633
I wanted to do
two-sided paintings.

00:13:40.700 --> 00:13:42.066
Paintings in space.

00:13:42.133 --> 00:13:45.366
♪

00:13:45.433 --> 00:13:47.766
I thought all of my problems
in life

00:13:47.833 --> 00:13:51.066
stem from what had happened
to me as a child.

00:13:51.133 --> 00:13:56.200
♪

00:13:56.266 --> 00:13:58.333
I do not remember
my mother at all.

00:13:58.400 --> 00:14:02.966
That whole early childhood
of mine was just lost.

00:14:03.033 --> 00:14:06.166
And I was taken by
my father from my mother

00:14:06.233 --> 00:14:07.766
off the streets of New Haven.

00:14:07.833 --> 00:14:10.666
I was the football,
basically, the last football

00:14:10.733 --> 00:14:14.033
in their sad marriage.

00:14:14.100 --> 00:14:17.133
And ended up in a foster home,

00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:21.533
and where I ended up
sexually abused.

00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:23.733
Here it is.

00:14:23.800 --> 00:14:25.333
This is my mom.

00:14:25.400 --> 00:14:33.333
♪

00:14:33.400 --> 00:14:36.533
I used to have nightmares
of walking around the streets

00:14:36.600 --> 00:14:38.933
and being confronted
by my mother

00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:40.833
because my family had told me,

00:14:40.900 --> 00:14:44.566
\"Watch out, your mother will
try to get in contact with you

00:14:44.633 --> 00:14:45.766
and don\'t do it.\"

00:14:45.833 --> 00:14:48.466
Somehow my mother
was an evil persona.

00:14:48.533 --> 00:14:51.766
♪

00:14:51.833 --> 00:14:54.200
In the spring of my junior year,

00:14:54.266 --> 00:14:56.100
when I was a student at Yale,

00:14:56.166 --> 00:15:00.866
I took 150 aspirin tablets

00:15:00.933 --> 00:15:03.066
on top of a bottle of scotch

00:15:03.133 --> 00:15:05.166
and I got hauled off
to the hospital

00:15:05.233 --> 00:15:07.866
and had my stomach pumped.

00:15:07.933 --> 00:15:09.233
I remember lying there in bed

00:15:09.300 --> 00:15:11.500
while a guy next to me died.

00:15:11.566 --> 00:15:14.200
At that point,
I decided I wanted to live.

00:15:14.266 --> 00:15:17.000
The psychiatrist I had,
they assigned to me,

00:15:17.066 --> 00:15:18.600
one day he disappeared

00:15:18.666 --> 00:15:21.333
and I said, \"What happened
to the psychiatrist?\"

00:15:21.400 --> 00:15:24.466
And they said,
\"Well, he had a problem.\"

00:15:24.533 --> 00:15:27.533
And later, I read
in the Yale Daily News

00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:30.800
he\'d been taken off to
the state psychiatric hospital

00:15:30.866 --> 00:15:33.800
because he had been
stealing typewriters

00:15:33.866 --> 00:15:35.066
from the university.

00:15:35.133 --> 00:15:37.900
He had stolen
like 300 typewriters

00:15:37.966 --> 00:15:42.800
and his whole apartment was full
of electric typewriters.

00:15:42.866 --> 00:15:46.233
You know, the guy was nuts.

00:15:46.300 --> 00:15:48.600
I discovered how you get out
of a mental hospital

00:15:48.666 --> 00:15:50.466
is you play sane.

00:15:50.533 --> 00:15:53.400
So I just pretended I was sane.

00:15:53.466 --> 00:15:56.100
I acted like
you were supposed to act.

00:15:56.166 --> 00:16:00.666
I had no clue that
it was in any way

00:16:00.733 --> 00:16:03.100
biologically based.

00:16:03.166 --> 00:16:04.933
I was bipolar.

00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:07.700
(train humming)

00:16:09.500 --> 00:16:14.033
The word \"bipolar\" is just used
completely indiscriminately.

00:16:14.100 --> 00:16:16.766
There\'s just, sort of
a misunderstanding

00:16:16.833 --> 00:16:20.833
of what people
with mental illness are like.

00:16:20.900 --> 00:16:24.900
♪

00:16:24.966 --> 00:16:27.200
Here\'s the short version,
I was born and raised

00:16:27.266 --> 00:16:29.133
in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:31.333
My parents are married,
they\'re fabulous,

00:16:31.400 --> 00:16:34.000
they love each other,
they think I\'m fabulous.

00:16:34.066 --> 00:16:36.100
Oh my God, anyway.

00:16:36.166 --> 00:16:39.200
So everything was great for me,

00:16:39.266 --> 00:16:42.500
something had to happen,
right, to get in the way

00:16:42.566 --> 00:16:44.300
of all of that.

00:16:44.366 --> 00:16:52.366
♪

00:16:53.700 --> 00:16:56.766
I started coming here
as an infant with my mom.

00:16:56.833 --> 00:17:00.400
When I was five days old,
a bird shit on my head.

00:17:00.466 --> 00:17:01.966
That\'s how it all started,

00:17:02.033 --> 00:17:03.966
that\'s the source
of my troubles.

00:17:04.033 --> 00:17:05.033
Right there.

00:17:05.099 --> 00:17:08.166
♪

00:17:08.233 --> 00:17:11.200
I feel like I play
sane every day.

00:17:11.266 --> 00:17:13.200
When I was a little girl
I used to love playing pretend,

00:17:13.266 --> 00:17:18.566
you know, it\'s pretty much
the same thing.

00:17:18.633 --> 00:17:22.200
What happened was,
and you can call it God

00:17:22.266 --> 00:17:25.833
or you can call it
shit-ass bad luck,

00:17:25.900 --> 00:17:27.833
whatever you want to call it,

00:17:27.900 --> 00:17:31.900
when I was 17 I got raped.

00:17:31.966 --> 00:17:35.500
And after the rape I went crazy

00:17:35.566 --> 00:17:40.066
and after going crazy
I stayed crazy

00:17:40.133 --> 00:17:44.233
and I was crazy for years.

00:17:44.300 --> 00:17:47.733
I went from being a relatively
happy, funny,

00:17:47.800 --> 00:17:51.200
extroverted kid
to being really sullen

00:17:51.266 --> 00:17:53.366
and kind of weird.

00:17:53.433 --> 00:17:56.500
And my friend said the words,

00:17:56.566 --> 00:17:58.400
\"I think you\'re going crazy.\"

00:17:58.466 --> 00:18:01.400
Which really struck me,
like wow, what does that mean,

00:18:01.466 --> 00:18:04.133
going crazy,
that sounds terrible.

00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:06.300
So in college,
there was a whole series

00:18:06.366 --> 00:18:07.833
of eating co-ops.

00:18:07.900 --> 00:18:10.166
I hated that you had
to cook your own food,

00:18:10.233 --> 00:18:11.633
it was like wait a minute,
I came to college

00:18:11.700 --> 00:18:14.600
to be fed by some
big cafeteria structure.

00:18:14.666 --> 00:18:18.500
One time, these people ask me
to go down these steps

00:18:18.566 --> 00:18:20.933
to a large freezer
and get a side of beef.

00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:23.333
But when I opened the freezer

00:18:23.400 --> 00:18:25.266
what I saw was all this blood

00:18:25.333 --> 00:18:27.933
come rushing out of the freezer

00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:30.233
and that was a hallucination.

00:18:30.300 --> 00:18:32.233
And I did got to
Student Health Services,

00:18:32.300 --> 00:18:34.433
they were just
completely unhelpful.

00:18:34.500 --> 00:18:36.366
This woman didn\'t mention
meds or anything,

00:18:36.433 --> 00:18:41.933
which is fine, but she actually
put her jacket on a chair

00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:44.600
and said, \"You need to work out
things with your mother

00:18:44.666 --> 00:18:48.600
so talk to the chair
as if it\'s your mother.\"

00:18:48.666 --> 00:18:50.266
And like, all I could
think about was,

00:18:50.333 --> 00:18:54.233
\"My mom would never
wear that jacket.\"

00:18:56.933 --> 00:18:59.200
- Hello?
- Oh, hi!

00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:03.766
You look so beautiful.

00:19:03.833 --> 00:19:06.000
Hello! Oh, Jesus.

00:19:06.066 --> 00:19:09.033
- Is Dad around?
- He\'s around sneaking

00:19:09.100 --> 00:19:10.633
a cracker and cheese
in the kitchen

00:19:10.700 --> 00:19:13.000
so he doesn\'t disturb
the arrangement.

00:19:13.066 --> 00:19:20.533
♪

00:19:20.600 --> 00:19:24.700
My religion, and I have
no organized religion at all,

00:19:24.766 --> 00:19:29.100
- my religion is my daughter.
- That\'s healthy.

00:19:29.166 --> 00:19:31.566
- And good boundaries.
- Tough shit.

00:19:31.633 --> 00:19:36.266
That\'s who I believe in,
that\'s who I trust.

00:19:36.333 --> 00:19:39.433
So call me crazy.

00:19:39.500 --> 00:19:41.400
Oh.

00:19:41.466 --> 00:19:43.666
(laughing)

00:19:43.733 --> 00:19:48.300
I went to graduate school
in Austin, Texas.

00:19:48.366 --> 00:19:52.500
I experienced mania
as exhilaration.

00:19:52.566 --> 00:19:55.233
I just thought that
I was fabulously smart

00:19:55.300 --> 00:19:57.466
and beautiful and sexy.

00:19:57.533 --> 00:20:01.233
I would stay up
all night writing poems

00:20:01.300 --> 00:20:03.866
that are awful, just awful.

00:20:03.933 --> 00:20:05.633
You know, it was great fun

00:20:05.700 --> 00:20:09.366
but then I had some
kind of a psychotic episode

00:20:09.433 --> 00:20:11.800
and I was using a knife
and I cut my finger

00:20:11.866 --> 00:20:13.500
with the knife by mistake

00:20:13.566 --> 00:20:15.166
but it seemed really gruesome

00:20:15.233 --> 00:20:16.800
and I just felt this,
sort of fear

00:20:16.866 --> 00:20:20.033
and I drove myself
to the state hospital.

00:20:20.100 --> 00:20:22.100
When I got there,
they took me upstairs

00:20:22.166 --> 00:20:24.166
but I wouldn\'t let go
of my knife.

00:20:24.233 --> 00:20:25.200
And they said,
\"Well, you can\'t come in

00:20:25.266 --> 00:20:27.166
if you have a weapon.\"

00:20:27.233 --> 00:20:28.433
Which now makes
perfect sense to me

00:20:28.500 --> 00:20:31.633
but at the time,
seemed really harsh.

00:20:31.700 --> 00:20:35.900
That\'s where I got diagnosed
with bipolar disorder.

00:20:35.966 --> 00:20:37.266
This is a drawing that I did

00:20:37.333 --> 00:20:41.066
when I was in a mental hospital,

00:20:41.133 --> 00:20:45.233
psychiatric facility,
loony bin type of place.

00:20:45.300 --> 00:20:48.500
It just says,
\"I want it to be more ordered\"

00:20:48.566 --> 00:20:53.600
because I just felt
a lot of chaos in my brain.

00:20:53.666 --> 00:20:56.800
It\'s not about having
a person in the family sick.

00:20:56.866 --> 00:21:00.000
It\'s about having a child sick.

00:21:00.066 --> 00:21:01.700
We were sitting at dinner

00:21:01.766 --> 00:21:03.766
and we got a phone call

00:21:03.833 --> 00:21:05.633
and we were told by Liz

00:21:05.700 --> 00:21:08.166
that she was
in a mental hospital.

00:21:08.233 --> 00:21:11.600
That\'s the first clue,

00:21:11.666 --> 00:21:14.766
that I had anyway,
that there was anything wrong.

00:21:14.833 --> 00:21:17.800
(clanking)

00:21:17.866 --> 00:21:25.866
♪

00:21:29.833 --> 00:21:35.133
In this bag is the shirt that
I was wearing when I was raped

00:21:35.200 --> 00:21:38.466
and I don\'t know
why I keep this,

00:21:38.533 --> 00:21:42.066
but I\'ve taken it to like
every place I\'ve ever gone.

00:21:42.133 --> 00:21:47.100
And it still has my name tag
in it from summer camp, so.

00:21:47.166 --> 00:21:49.333
Which just goes
to show how young I was

00:21:49.400 --> 00:21:51.633
when somebody decided
to rape me.

00:21:51.700 --> 00:21:54.033
I mean, I really did
like lose my mind

00:21:54.100 --> 00:21:59.066
and, you know,
I don\'t think I was ever...

00:21:59.133 --> 00:22:03.033
I wasn\'t well after that.

00:22:03.100 --> 00:22:04.966
You know, ever.

00:22:05.033 --> 00:22:07.600
♪

00:22:07.666 --> 00:22:09.533
What I\'ve been told
by different doctors

00:22:09.600 --> 00:22:12.233
is that I had
a predisposition genetically

00:22:12.300 --> 00:22:15.433
to bipolar disorder
because my mother has it.

00:22:15.500 --> 00:22:18.733
But it might not have been
sort of kicked into gear

00:22:18.800 --> 00:22:23.700
if it weren\'t for my having
that rape trauma.

00:22:23.766 --> 00:22:26.300
It isn\'t true
that we didn\'t have hints

00:22:26.366 --> 00:22:30.666
of dysfunction or neuroses
before then,

00:22:30.733 --> 00:22:33.500
but she didn\'t check herself
into a mental hospital,

00:22:33.566 --> 00:22:36.333
she checked herself
into a suicide ward.

00:22:36.400 --> 00:22:41.033
And when we got there,
a creature shuffled toward us

00:22:41.100 --> 00:22:44.100
and it was not possible

00:22:44.166 --> 00:22:48.300
that this was my beautiful,
brilliant,

00:22:48.366 --> 00:22:52.066
vibrant, successful,
trailblazing daughter.

00:22:52.133 --> 00:22:55.600
This was uncharted territory.

00:22:55.666 --> 00:22:57.866
What my mom had
to go through, my God.

00:22:57.933 --> 00:23:01.033
I mean, I remember one time

00:23:01.100 --> 00:23:03.466
we were driving down the street

00:23:03.533 --> 00:23:10.766
and I just got out of the car
and ran away like a dog.

00:23:10.833 --> 00:23:12.933
Can you imagine

00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:16.366
your child doing that?

00:23:16.433 --> 00:23:19.266
I mean, that was like the
least of it, I\'m sure, for her

00:23:19.333 --> 00:23:21.533
but when I think about
that moment

00:23:21.600 --> 00:23:25.600
I think of
how terrified she was.

00:23:25.666 --> 00:23:27.533
The first few years,

00:23:27.600 --> 00:23:31.733
there was nothing
light anywhere.

00:23:31.800 --> 00:23:34.266
But it\'s a journey

00:23:34.333 --> 00:23:36.000
and I do remember

00:23:36.066 --> 00:23:41.500
the absolute joy of her
getting her first apartment.

00:23:41.566 --> 00:23:43.766
There were many,
but this was the first.

00:23:43.833 --> 00:23:46.533
- I was gonna say, what first...
- And, you know, we go,

00:23:46.600 --> 00:23:49.200
we schlep, the Jewish mother
and her daughter

00:23:49.266 --> 00:23:51.433
with the trash liners
and the supplies

00:23:51.500 --> 00:23:53.800
and the equipment
and the gorgeous...

00:23:53.866 --> 00:23:56.333
You know, she had to have
Ralph Lauren bedding

00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:58.900
whether she was crazy or not.

00:23:58.966 --> 00:24:00.333
Oh, and there\'s... this is a place

00:24:00.400 --> 00:24:02.400
where I was really, really sick.

00:24:02.466 --> 00:24:05.700
I lived in such filth there,
it was disgusting.

00:24:05.766 --> 00:24:10.866
The issue for us,
was not how to treat her.

00:24:10.933 --> 00:24:13.100
The issue was how to save her.

00:24:13.166 --> 00:24:15.400
Every time I would
get really suicidal,

00:24:15.466 --> 00:24:17.966
I would write
these elaborate notes

00:24:18.033 --> 00:24:19.733
because I thought like,
\"Ugh,\" you know,

00:24:19.800 --> 00:24:22.133
\"I have to leave something
to explain.\"

00:24:22.200 --> 00:24:24.400
In this folder
are several suicide letters

00:24:24.466 --> 00:24:27.033
from 1996 to the present.

00:24:27.100 --> 00:24:28.633
She didn\'t want to die

00:24:28.700 --> 00:24:31.566
so much as she wanted
to commit suicide.

00:24:31.633 --> 00:24:34.133
\"Let\'s get rid of this pain
and torture.

00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:37.033
Let\'s just sleep

00:24:37.100 --> 00:24:41.100
in some cosmic sleep.

00:24:41.166 --> 00:24:43.466
Let\'s not keep doing this,

00:24:43.533 --> 00:24:47.000
the exhaustion is profound
and the rewards are not there.\"

00:24:47.066 --> 00:24:48.800
Here\'s one, \"Dear Mom and Dad,

00:24:48.866 --> 00:24:50.233
I know how irksome it is

00:24:50.300 --> 00:24:52.333
when suicides don\'t leave
that tell-tale note

00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:54.333
and so I gladly oblige,
hoping this will

00:24:54.400 --> 00:24:55.900
make you feel
less encumbered.\"

00:24:55.966 --> 00:24:59.166
Yeah, I\'m sure, the note\'s
gonna do it, you know.

00:24:59.233 --> 00:25:01.166
And it\'s on the back
of my résumé,

00:25:01.233 --> 00:25:02.433
which is kind of funny.

00:25:02.500 --> 00:25:05.266
Extracurricular Activities,
loo-loo.

00:25:05.333 --> 00:25:08.666
So I would say to her,
\"Okay, I get it,

00:25:08.733 --> 00:25:13.233
you can do it, I understand,
I will help you.

00:25:13.300 --> 00:25:17.333
I will help you but not today.\"

00:25:17.400 --> 00:25:19.733
Balzac, Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky

00:25:19.800 --> 00:25:21.333
Virginia Woolf, Hemingway.

00:25:21.400 --> 00:25:23.966
I put stars next to the people
who committed suicide

00:25:24.033 --> 00:25:27.066
to, like, convince people that,
you know,

00:25:27.133 --> 00:25:30.066
\"Look, John Berryman
killed himself,

00:25:30.133 --> 00:25:33.166
so I\'m allowed to also.\"

00:25:33.233 --> 00:25:34.766
I guess, when I wrote the notes

00:25:34.833 --> 00:25:37.766
I did imagine that somebody
would be reading these notes

00:25:37.833 --> 00:25:38.933
and I would be dead.

00:25:39.000 --> 00:25:41.066
By the time I finished
with them,

00:25:41.133 --> 00:25:43.766
I was like, \"Eh, I guess
I\'ll do it tomorrow,

00:25:43.833 --> 00:25:45.033
I\'ll go to bed now.\"

00:25:45.100 --> 00:25:47.466
I never had... like could sustain

00:25:47.533 --> 00:25:50.066
the passion for death, you know.

00:25:50.133 --> 00:25:52.866
Once I wrote about it,
I was sort of like, huh,

00:25:52.933 --> 00:25:54.500
I\'m like Sylvia Plath.

00:25:54.566 --> 00:25:55.933
You know, might as well
stick around another day

00:25:56.000 --> 00:25:59.200
and see if I can get published.

00:25:59.266 --> 00:26:03.600
♪ Till then forgive me ♪

00:26:03.666 --> 00:26:09.300
♪ If you catch me staring
at the moon ♪♪

00:26:09.366 --> 00:26:10.866
People say I\'m crazy
but they\'ve been saying

00:26:10.933 --> 00:26:12.633
I was crazy since I was five.

00:26:12.700 --> 00:26:14.066
It\'s a compliment.

00:26:14.133 --> 00:26:16.600
You know, crazy
means fabulous to me.

00:26:16.666 --> 00:26:18.633
(laughing)

00:26:18.700 --> 00:26:21.633
Woo, \"She\'s crazy.\"
\"Thank you, darling.\"

00:26:21.700 --> 00:26:23.766
A California bakery
claims to have taken

00:26:23.833 --> 00:26:25.333
the neighborhood donut,

00:26:25.400 --> 00:26:29.000
put it on medication,
and given it a shock treatment.

00:26:29.066 --> 00:26:32.500
The name of the shop,
Psycho Donuts.

00:26:32.566 --> 00:26:40.566
♪

00:26:43.633 --> 00:26:45.566
My friend told me
about this place

00:26:45.633 --> 00:26:48.166
and they said they had
really crazy donuts.

00:26:48.233 --> 00:26:50.133
And they said they had
a bipolar donut

00:26:50.200 --> 00:26:52.266
so I was really excited.

00:26:52.333 --> 00:26:56.033
And I was like, \"Oh my gosh,
this is a donut for me.\"

00:26:56.100 --> 00:26:58.066
This is our Mood Swing Donut,

00:26:58.133 --> 00:27:00.500
formerly known as
the Bipolar Donut.

00:27:00.566 --> 00:27:02.300
It\'s got half peanut
and half coconut,

00:27:02.366 --> 00:27:05.433
chocolate icing and it\'s on
a chocolate cake donut.

00:27:05.500 --> 00:27:08.400
This little demon
got us protestors.

00:27:08.466 --> 00:27:12.133
We had controversy over
the split personality,

00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:14.100
the bipolar,
and the massive head trauma

00:27:14.166 --> 00:27:15.466
because those are real things

00:27:15.533 --> 00:27:17.066
and you can\'t talk
about real things

00:27:17.133 --> 00:27:19.400
in the context of donuts.

00:27:19.466 --> 00:27:21.200
The humor is that sort
of thing where you push things

00:27:21.266 --> 00:27:23.533
to the edge, you don\'t want
to go over the edge.

00:27:23.600 --> 00:27:25.700
The art of how
can you take something

00:27:25.766 --> 00:27:27.866
that would be, you know,
potentially offensive

00:27:27.933 --> 00:27:29.900
and in the context
that you\'re presenting it

00:27:29.966 --> 00:27:32.933
not make it offensive.

00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:34.500
We have people who are bipolar

00:27:34.566 --> 00:27:37.300
and they come in just
to get the bipolar donut.

00:27:37.366 --> 00:27:39.533
Now, the fact that
it\'s called the Mood Swing,

00:27:39.600 --> 00:27:41.200
we have people
who are angry at us

00:27:41.266 --> 00:27:42.700
because we changed
the name of it

00:27:42.766 --> 00:27:45.800
because it doesn\'t describe
them as well anymore.

00:27:45.866 --> 00:27:48.166
I mean, it\'s just donuts.

00:27:48.233 --> 00:27:51.933
You eat them
and then they go away.

00:27:52.000 --> 00:27:55.566
They acknowledge that there
are different people out there

00:27:55.633 --> 00:27:57.966
and there\'s like a donut
for every person

00:27:58.033 --> 00:28:00.000
and it\'s not the normal.

00:28:00.066 --> 00:28:04.700
♪

00:28:04.766 --> 00:28:07.933
Sometimes people
will come in expecting

00:28:08.000 --> 00:28:10.233
your typical donut shop
and they walk in,

00:28:10.300 --> 00:28:12.433
they walk right back out
and I know that they go

00:28:12.500 --> 00:28:14.633
to Happy Donuts down the street.

00:28:14.700 --> 00:28:18.200
♪

00:28:18.266 --> 00:28:19.700
Thank you so much.

00:28:19.766 --> 00:28:23.766
♪

00:28:23.833 --> 00:28:30.366
This is a journal entry dated
the 2nd of December, 2006.

00:28:30.433 --> 00:28:33.466
\"Around 5:00 p.m., a black cloud
descended upon me,

00:28:33.533 --> 00:28:36.433
the same one I got
stuck under on Tuesday.

00:28:36.500 --> 00:28:40.100
Just the most rotten
and foul mood.

00:28:40.166 --> 00:28:42.266
I don\'t know what,
if anything, triggered it.

00:28:42.333 --> 00:28:44.700
But it was bad, really bad,

00:28:44.766 --> 00:28:46.700
suicide bad.

00:28:46.766 --> 00:28:48.600
For some reason,
I was sitting there knitting

00:28:48.666 --> 00:28:50.866
and the thought,
\'What is life worth living for

00:28:50.933 --> 00:28:55.566
if all you\'re doing
is surviving\' crossed my mind.

00:28:55.633 --> 00:28:57.266
That led me to think
how hard it is

00:28:57.333 --> 00:29:00.000
so much of the time
to just live and go out,

00:29:00.066 --> 00:29:02.033
get out of bed, take my meds,

00:29:02.100 --> 00:29:04.166
do all the things
I\'m supposed to do

00:29:04.233 --> 00:29:06.966
as a productive human.

00:29:07.033 --> 00:29:08.766
It all suddenly seems
so pointless.

00:29:08.833 --> 00:29:12.833
It\'d be so much easier
to give up and to die.

00:29:12.900 --> 00:29:16.066
I then realized I could
kill myself now if I wanted to.

00:29:16.133 --> 00:29:17.766
I\'d just seen a number
of my friends,

00:29:17.833 --> 00:29:19.833
they\'d never suspect.

00:29:19.900 --> 00:29:23.066
I could go get dry food for the
cats so they wouldn\'t go hungry

00:29:23.133 --> 00:29:25.566
and then I could take
every pill in the house

00:29:25.633 --> 00:29:27.233
and my brain latched on
to all of this

00:29:27.300 --> 00:29:29.333
and churned it
and churned it and churned it

00:29:29.400 --> 00:29:33.633
till, I, my brain
had convinced me to do it.

00:29:33.700 --> 00:29:34.866
I thought about my mom,

00:29:34.933 --> 00:29:36.866
wondered if there was
a way to keep it from her

00:29:36.933 --> 00:29:40.500
then decided she would
ultimately understand.

00:29:40.566 --> 00:29:42.433
Wondered if anyone
would think to call work

00:29:42.500 --> 00:29:45.233
or if Tuesday would come and
I wouldn\'t show up for my job

00:29:45.300 --> 00:29:47.566
and they\'d be pissed.

00:29:47.633 --> 00:29:49.633
Searched the house
and found all the Vicodins

00:29:49.700 --> 00:29:50.700
and anti-depressants.

00:29:50.733 --> 00:29:53.100
I opened each bottle
and dumped out all the pills

00:29:53.166 --> 00:29:55.333
and then put them back
in the bottles.

00:29:55.400 --> 00:29:57.133
After about an hour
of this thinking,

00:29:57.200 --> 00:30:00.266
I wondered if I should
be locked up for my own safety.

00:30:00.333 --> 00:30:02.433
Thought about going to
the ER and turning myself in

00:30:02.500 --> 00:30:05.200
and saying \'Put me
under suicide watch.\'

00:30:05.266 --> 00:30:06.633
I figured they
wouldn\'t believe me.

00:30:06.700 --> 00:30:09.633
But if they did,
how long would they keep me?

00:30:09.700 --> 00:30:12.133
I could see my life
spiraling out of control,

00:30:12.200 --> 00:30:15.366
lost jobs, lost money,
more debt, lost husband.

00:30:15.433 --> 00:30:18.066
Basically, the path my mom took.

00:30:18.133 --> 00:30:19.333
Is it getting worse?

00:30:19.400 --> 00:30:21.066
Is that what\'s happening?

00:30:21.133 --> 00:30:23.733
I was really fucking scared
last night

00:30:23.800 --> 00:30:26.766
and I didn\'t want any help.\"

00:30:26.833 --> 00:30:31.000
How does that make you feel
now reading it?

00:30:31.066 --> 00:30:32.800
Exposed.

00:30:36.500 --> 00:30:39.033
And it scares me

00:30:39.100 --> 00:30:44.066
because I feel certain

00:30:44.133 --> 00:30:47.700
that I\'ll be there again.

00:30:47.766 --> 00:30:50.433
Do I really want to die,
do I really want to end my life

00:30:50.500 --> 00:30:54.233
or is it just that
I want the pain to end?

00:30:54.300 --> 00:30:59.533
If I don\'t fucking get
a hold of this soon,

00:30:59.600 --> 00:31:02.566
I\'m...

00:31:02.633 --> 00:31:07.266
I\'m gonna be... I\'m gonna
commit myself or...

00:31:07.333 --> 00:31:11.300
That I\'m on that...
I\'m on that road.

00:31:11.366 --> 00:31:13.966
As it has gone on,

00:31:14.033 --> 00:31:15.400
I definitely hounded her a bit,

00:31:15.466 --> 00:31:18.266
in the sense of like,
you have to talk to me.

00:31:18.333 --> 00:31:20.333
If you\'re feeling
like this you have...

00:31:20.400 --> 00:31:24.066
Even if you say, \"Look, I can\'t
talk to you for two days,

00:31:24.133 --> 00:31:26.033
I just need my space
to be this or that,\"

00:31:26.100 --> 00:31:28.266
I\'m like you just
have to say it.

00:31:28.333 --> 00:31:29.966
You can\'t just disappear.

00:31:30.033 --> 00:31:33.300
I got my own things.

00:31:33.366 --> 00:31:39.000
♪

00:31:39.066 --> 00:31:40.466
Here\'s what\'s weird about it,

00:31:40.533 --> 00:31:43.300
I don\'t judge,
I met Cheri, she\'s like

00:31:43.366 --> 00:31:46.300
\"\'Cause I\'m bipolar,\"
I was like whatever.

00:31:46.366 --> 00:31:47.766
I could give a shit.

00:31:47.833 --> 00:31:53.066
I find out I\'m bipolar
and I\'m so angry at myself

00:31:53.133 --> 00:31:55.433
I can\'t even believe it.

00:31:55.500 --> 00:31:57.966
♪

00:31:58.033 --> 00:31:59.833
I just feel like a failure.

00:31:59.900 --> 00:32:02.533
And I really can\'t explain why,

00:32:02.600 --> 00:32:04.933
I don\'t know,
I really don\'t know.

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:06.300
It\'s like all of sudden you go,

00:32:06.366 --> 00:32:08.633
\"Oh shit, I can\'t take care
of anything.\"

00:32:08.700 --> 00:32:10.133
When, in all reality,
you\'ve always been

00:32:10.200 --> 00:32:12.033
taking care of everything.

00:32:12.100 --> 00:32:13.766
This is the joke to me, like,

00:32:13.833 --> 00:32:15.866
now I seriously walk around
all fucking day

00:32:15.933 --> 00:32:19.066
the last ten days going, \"God,
so I\'ve never been normal.\"

00:32:19.133 --> 00:32:20.373
Then I go, \"Quit saying normal,

00:32:20.433 --> 00:32:21.633
what the fuck is normal?\"

00:32:21.700 --> 00:32:23.366
When somebody finally tells you
you possibly

00:32:23.433 --> 00:32:25.266
or you have
this mental disorder...

00:32:25.333 --> 00:32:27.433
Mental disease, however
the fuck you want to put it,

00:32:27.500 --> 00:32:31.600
you have this,
it\'s super not sexy.

00:32:31.666 --> 00:32:33.500
It doesn\'t feel cool.

00:32:33.566 --> 00:32:35.966
I don\'t go, \"Man,
now I have every right

00:32:36.033 --> 00:32:37.733
to be fucking wacky.\"

00:32:37.800 --> 00:32:39.800
No, I\'m like, \"That\'s a drag.\"

00:32:41.833 --> 00:32:46.633
I was very much
immersed in my bipolarness.

00:32:46.700 --> 00:32:48.433
He was like the newbie

00:32:48.500 --> 00:32:53.400
and I was the seasoned pro,
bipolar, whatever.

00:32:53.466 --> 00:32:56.133
Let me tell you how cool
the psych emergency ward

00:32:56.200 --> 00:32:57.666
is at nighttime.

00:32:57.733 --> 00:33:01.333
We waited four hours,
waited four hours.

00:33:01.400 --> 00:33:02.766
The first thing they ask you is,
\"Did you ever think about

00:33:02.833 --> 00:33:05.100
killing yourself?\"
And you\'re like pretty sure

00:33:05.166 --> 00:33:06.600
that\'s an emergency,
I don\'t know,

00:33:06.666 --> 00:33:08.866
am I weird that way?

00:33:08.933 --> 00:33:10.700
I don\'t want to overreact but...

00:33:10.766 --> 00:33:14.166
What was the question
they asked me, um.

00:33:14.233 --> 00:33:17.133
\"So do you see shadows?\"

00:33:17.200 --> 00:33:20.766
And I was like,
\"Um, only when there\'s light.\"

00:33:20.833 --> 00:33:24.066
I don\'t know, like...
Totally confused me.

00:33:24.133 --> 00:33:25.900
When the doctor
was asking I was like,

00:33:25.966 --> 00:33:28.166
yeah, that kind of sounds like,
yeah, that kind of sounds like

00:33:28.233 --> 00:33:30.700
Petey too, mm, yeah.

00:33:30.766 --> 00:33:34.033
I guess neither one of us
wanted that to be the diagnosis.

00:33:34.100 --> 00:33:42.100
♪

00:33:56.566 --> 00:33:58.266
I would get jobs

00:33:58.333 --> 00:33:59.700
but like a lot
of bipolar people,

00:33:59.766 --> 00:34:02.366
I went through job
after job after job.

00:34:02.433 --> 00:34:07.300
My résumé\'s like got
35, 40 jobs on it.

00:34:07.366 --> 00:34:09.133
I didn\'t see the connections.

00:34:09.199 --> 00:34:12.366
I didn\'t see the faults
in myself so much.

00:34:12.433 --> 00:34:15.199
I knew there was
something wrong with me.

00:34:15.266 --> 00:34:19.166
But I didn\'t know what,
I just thought, \"I\'m an artist\"

00:34:19.233 --> 00:34:21.766
you know, \"I\'m an artist,
I\'m temperamental,

00:34:21.833 --> 00:34:23.733
artists are temperamental.

00:34:23.800 --> 00:34:25.566
I\'m like Vincent van Gogh.\"

00:34:25.633 --> 00:34:28.333
♪

00:34:28.400 --> 00:34:32.500
He was and he is
his wonderful creative self

00:34:32.566 --> 00:34:35.199
and that\'s what attracted me
to him in the first place.

00:34:35.266 --> 00:34:38.066
You know, professionally
we had a great commonality

00:34:38.133 --> 00:34:39.800
and there\'s a whole thing about

00:34:39.866 --> 00:34:42.466
husband and wife
architect teams.

00:34:42.533 --> 00:34:46.066
It\'s so easy to hook up
with another architect then.

00:34:46.133 --> 00:34:49.733
But he had an art gallery
at his studio.

00:34:49.800 --> 00:34:51.666
Oh my gosh, this was great.

00:34:51.733 --> 00:34:54.266
He knew artists and they
were all interesting too

00:34:54.333 --> 00:34:57.933
so this was a great
opening for me.

00:34:58.000 --> 00:34:59.366
Okay, now we\'re...

00:34:59.433 --> 00:35:03.533
This is coming into
my old stomping grounds.

00:35:05.933 --> 00:35:07.833
Now they say this road is closed

00:35:07.900 --> 00:35:11.733
but we\'re gonna go here anyway.

00:35:11.800 --> 00:35:16.866
This is the old loft building
that I used to live in.

00:35:16.933 --> 00:35:19.733
And that, right there,

00:35:19.800 --> 00:35:21.766
right there

00:35:21.833 --> 00:35:23.933
is my studio.

00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:27.666
I dropped out, I dropped out
of teaching at UCLA.

00:35:27.733 --> 00:35:29.800
I dropped out of my career
as an architect

00:35:29.866 --> 00:35:33.300
and I spent ten years
living in downtown Los Angeles.

00:35:33.366 --> 00:35:36.633
Screw you to that whole world
out there, you know.

00:35:36.700 --> 00:35:39.133
I moved in with my people,
I thought.

00:35:39.200 --> 00:35:41.066
You know, the artists!

00:35:41.133 --> 00:35:44.033
♪

00:35:44.100 --> 00:35:47.466
Carl started a project
called Art Docks.

00:35:47.533 --> 00:35:51.566
He had a loading dock
in front of his studio

00:35:51.633 --> 00:35:57.433
and he decided that he could
have art shows there.

00:35:57.500 --> 00:36:00.166
♪

00:36:00.233 --> 00:36:03.466
Conceptually, it was
a really great project.

00:36:03.533 --> 00:36:05.766
Being in Los Angeles,
it\'s all about the car

00:36:05.833 --> 00:36:08.766
so that\'s why he named it
the Drive-by Art Dock

00:36:08.833 --> 00:36:10.633
because you could actually see

00:36:10.700 --> 00:36:12.533
the piece installed
in the Art Dock

00:36:12.600 --> 00:36:15.166
just by driving your car
down the street.

00:36:15.233 --> 00:36:19.000
(train humming)

00:36:19.066 --> 00:36:22.266
It\'s a great old building.

00:36:22.333 --> 00:36:25.033
This is where I lived
for ten years

00:36:25.100 --> 00:36:26.933
and this was my studio here.

00:36:27.000 --> 00:36:29.166
♪

00:36:29.233 --> 00:36:31.433
We all felt it was
the new Paris, right,

00:36:31.500 --> 00:36:34.233
it was definitely
the bohemian scene.

00:36:34.300 --> 00:36:36.766
Of course it was sex,
drugs, and rock and roll.

00:36:36.833 --> 00:36:39.433
I lived on marijuana
and espresso coffee.

00:36:39.500 --> 00:36:43.466
♪

00:36:43.533 --> 00:36:48.366
There\'s some here
that are really dark.

00:36:48.433 --> 00:36:51.733
\"Lost goddamn mind
in a bowl of chicken soup.\"

00:36:51.800 --> 00:36:56.766
I was just not feeling
really great.

00:36:56.833 --> 00:36:59.766
There were many places he went

00:36:59.833 --> 00:37:03.366
and things that happened to him

00:37:03.433 --> 00:37:07.100
that I didn\'t see coming.

00:37:07.166 --> 00:37:11.300
That used to be a big
transvestite bar there.

00:37:11.366 --> 00:37:15.733
When I was a kid, I had
a teddy bear that was my friend

00:37:15.800 --> 00:37:19.266
and my bear went
with me everywhere.

00:37:19.333 --> 00:37:22.066
Gradually, the bear morphed

00:37:22.133 --> 00:37:25.066
into other things

00:37:25.133 --> 00:37:27.400
and gradually became Carlotta.

00:37:27.466 --> 00:37:30.400
♪

00:37:30.466 --> 00:37:32.833
I think of her as my muse.

00:37:32.900 --> 00:37:34.020
She comes out in many forms.

00:37:34.066 --> 00:37:36.133
I saw her as a showgirl

00:37:36.200 --> 00:37:40.266
and as a Isadora Duncan-like
figure, you know,

00:37:40.333 --> 00:37:44.633
always a woman of incredible
character and interest.

00:37:44.700 --> 00:37:47.500
Or, you know, on the another
hand, a really sexy bitch.

00:37:47.566 --> 00:37:50.500
Mae West kind of figure
or something, you know.

00:37:50.566 --> 00:37:54.466
I really, really
like dressing up.

00:37:54.533 --> 00:37:58.633
I really like transforming
myself into a woman.

00:37:58.700 --> 00:38:01.666
I wore all black,
I always wore all black

00:38:01.733 --> 00:38:04.500
and orange-red hair.

00:38:04.566 --> 00:38:07.166
I believe the Carlotta
phase that was going on,

00:38:07.233 --> 00:38:09.866
but I didn\'t see it.

00:38:09.933 --> 00:38:12.466
He never revealed it to me.

00:38:12.533 --> 00:38:14.366
But I knew something was up.

00:38:14.433 --> 00:38:17.233
He got a post office box.

00:38:17.300 --> 00:38:20.166
He stole some of my jewelry,

00:38:20.233 --> 00:38:22.266
I\'m convinced.

00:38:22.333 --> 00:38:24.833
Carlotta used to carry
an ice pick with her.

00:38:24.900 --> 00:38:27.500
You know, just in case
she\'d get confronted by anybody

00:38:27.566 --> 00:38:29.333
that would want
to mess with her.

00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:32.133
I was gonna... I would skewer them
with my ice pick.

00:38:32.200 --> 00:38:34.733
That was always my fantasy.

00:38:34.800 --> 00:38:38.733
Being bipolar, it\'s the roller
coaster ride of your life.

00:38:38.800 --> 00:38:40.633
Everything\'s on full throttle.

00:38:40.700 --> 00:38:41.633
You know.

00:38:41.700 --> 00:38:43.966
(mimicking car revving)

00:38:44.033 --> 00:38:45.933
It\'s like a race car, you know.

00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:47.700
Nothing could stop you
and then...

00:38:47.766 --> 00:38:48.900
(blows raspberry)

00:38:48.966 --> 00:38:51.400
it dies.

00:38:51.466 --> 00:38:53.300
This was very much the time

00:38:53.366 --> 00:38:55.533
when I was having what I call

00:38:55.600 --> 00:38:57.900
\"Attacks of the
Black Brain\" a lot.

00:38:57.966 --> 00:38:59.866
Just terrible black depression

00:38:59.933 --> 00:39:02.200
where I\'d end up going home
and going to bed

00:39:02.266 --> 00:39:03.666
and I\'d be very irritable.

00:39:03.733 --> 00:39:05.933
I would get into fights
with the artists.

00:39:06.000 --> 00:39:08.866
You know, as I\'d fall
into this chasm of blackness,

00:39:08.933 --> 00:39:12.166
I\'d end up going to these bath
houses into great depression

00:39:12.233 --> 00:39:14.700
as if a way to kill myself.

00:39:14.766 --> 00:39:17.033
I was actually going out
and trying to get AIDS.

00:39:17.100 --> 00:39:21.133
♪

00:39:21.200 --> 00:39:22.600
Oh, this was Carlotta phase,

00:39:22.666 --> 00:39:25.433
this was definitely
Carlotta phase down in here.

00:39:25.500 --> 00:39:31.333
This is when she was
out and about.

00:39:31.400 --> 00:39:33.666
This is her territory here.

00:39:33.733 --> 00:39:39.233
♪

00:39:39.300 --> 00:39:41.266
When he started
to get into crack,

00:39:41.333 --> 00:39:43.700
that\'s when I began
to lose touch with him.

00:39:43.766 --> 00:39:48.333
That was the time
of my worst addiction.

00:39:48.400 --> 00:39:51.266
I would come down here and buy

00:39:51.333 --> 00:39:54.466
and come back
to that studio and smoke.

00:39:54.533 --> 00:39:58.900
Ugh, crazy, I was crazier
than a loon.

00:39:58.966 --> 00:40:01.600
♪

00:40:01.666 --> 00:40:03.133
I loved living
on the razor\'s edge,

00:40:03.200 --> 00:40:06.966
that was part of my persona.

00:40:07.033 --> 00:40:10.366
One of my favorite stories
is getting stopped by the police

00:40:10.433 --> 00:40:12.700
at four in the morning
in Downtown Los Angeles

00:40:12.766 --> 00:40:14.366
in full drag.

00:40:14.433 --> 00:40:16.366
And I had the crack pipe
in my car.

00:40:16.433 --> 00:40:18.566
And I said,
I\'m in deep trouble now.

00:40:18.633 --> 00:40:21.833
If they find a crack pipe
and they come back to me,

00:40:21.900 --> 00:40:23.200
do I challenge them?

00:40:23.266 --> 00:40:24.966
Do I really be
the Angel of Death

00:40:25.033 --> 00:40:28.600
and pull the ice pick out
of my purse and go at them?

00:40:28.666 --> 00:40:32.833
I would pull it out and then
we\'d have suicide by cop.

00:40:32.900 --> 00:40:35.633
All hell would\'ve broken loose
right there in the street

00:40:35.700 --> 00:40:39.100
\'cause I wasn\'t about
to go into jail.

00:40:39.166 --> 00:40:42.166
I would\'ve fought them.

00:40:42.233 --> 00:40:44.833
I knew there was something wrong

00:40:44.900 --> 00:40:49.466
and then I actually started
snooping in his closet for drugs

00:40:49.533 --> 00:40:51.233
and I found some other stuff

00:40:51.300 --> 00:40:53.700
that showed he was
cross-dressing.

00:40:53.766 --> 00:40:56.066
At that point,

00:40:56.133 --> 00:41:00.500
I just felt so helpless.

00:41:00.566 --> 00:41:02.800
I didn\'t really want to do
any of that stuff anymore.

00:41:02.866 --> 00:41:05.333
I was tired of it, you know,

00:41:05.400 --> 00:41:08.733
and it wasn\'t anything left
that I wanted to do.

00:41:08.800 --> 00:41:11.300
I was tired of life,
I was tired of cross-dressing,

00:41:11.366 --> 00:41:13.666
I was tired of going out
and trying to kill myself

00:41:13.733 --> 00:41:16.500
in 100,000 different ways.

00:41:16.566 --> 00:41:18.233
I\'m sure there are a few people
out there saying like,

00:41:18.300 --> 00:41:20.733
\"Why did she stay with him?\"

00:41:20.800 --> 00:41:25.533
You know, if you have
an ounce of compassion

00:41:25.600 --> 00:41:28.200
and you see someone
suffering so,

00:41:28.266 --> 00:41:31.500
you don\'t just walk away.

00:41:31.566 --> 00:41:37.000
This was where I walked
when I was at my worst.

00:41:37.066 --> 00:41:39.566
I\'d really given up hope.

00:41:39.633 --> 00:41:42.600
I never thought I could
get off of crack cocaine

00:41:42.666 --> 00:41:45.766
and out from under

00:41:45.833 --> 00:41:49.233
where I was at that point
in my life.

00:41:49.300 --> 00:41:53.600
And I decided to commit suicide.

00:41:53.666 --> 00:41:59.133
I was standing a little further
out here over the traffic lanes.

00:41:59.200 --> 00:42:00.300
Trying to get up the courage.

00:42:00.366 --> 00:42:04.333
They didn\'t have this here then.

00:42:04.400 --> 00:42:07.600
Why didn\'t I jump?
Well, I stood there

00:42:07.666 --> 00:42:10.366
and looked at that bridge
and just contemplating

00:42:10.433 --> 00:42:12.300
getting up
and doing my swan dive

00:42:12.366 --> 00:42:14.466
off of the bridge

00:42:14.533 --> 00:42:17.433
and I realized there was
a lot of traffic down there

00:42:17.500 --> 00:42:20.433
and if I jumped off this bridge,

00:42:20.500 --> 00:42:24.033
I wouldn\'t kill myself,
I\'d also kill somebody else.

00:42:24.100 --> 00:42:26.966
I couldn\'t kill myself

00:42:27.033 --> 00:42:30.533
and I couldn\'t...
No cops came along.

00:42:30.600 --> 00:42:34.066
You know, goddamnit,
no goddamn cops came along.

00:42:34.133 --> 00:42:37.566
You know, no fucking cops came

00:42:37.633 --> 00:42:40.166
that could stop me
and try to stop me

00:42:40.233 --> 00:42:43.033
and I could threaten them
with my ice pick

00:42:43.100 --> 00:42:44.766
and they\'d shoot me.

00:42:44.833 --> 00:42:46.566
So I was stuck.

00:42:46.633 --> 00:42:49.466
I had to go home.

00:42:51.966 --> 00:42:53.100
I had to live.

00:42:53.166 --> 00:42:56.200
(chuckling)

00:42:56.266 --> 00:42:57.966
I had to live.

00:42:58.033 --> 00:43:06.033
♪

00:43:07.700 --> 00:43:11.033
\"It is as though there is a need
for a struggle for me to survive

00:43:11.100 --> 00:43:13.400
and if there isn\'t one,
I create one.

00:43:13.466 --> 00:43:15.733
I know I can have the peace
and a good life,

00:43:15.800 --> 00:43:19.433
but why do I put myself
through this first?

00:43:19.500 --> 00:43:22.700
Will I kill myself and die
before I get to the good?

00:43:22.766 --> 00:43:24.666
Can I get rid of this illness?\"

00:43:24.733 --> 00:43:32.066
♪

00:43:32.133 --> 00:43:34.466
Bipolar didn\'t define Miya,

00:43:34.533 --> 00:43:37.700
it was part of who she was.

00:43:37.766 --> 00:43:39.333
But part of who she was

00:43:39.400 --> 00:43:43.233
was so special
because she was bipolar.

00:43:43.300 --> 00:43:46.400
She was a daily presence
in my life,

00:43:46.466 --> 00:43:48.500
she was a force of nature.

00:43:48.566 --> 00:43:53.300
It\'s just now that
I\'m beginning to accept the fact

00:43:53.366 --> 00:43:58.200
that she is not
a part of my life.

00:43:58.266 --> 00:44:01.366
She was a dynamo.

00:44:01.433 --> 00:44:03.266
I just loved being with her

00:44:03.333 --> 00:44:05.033
because I just felt

00:44:05.100 --> 00:44:07.800
like somebody just understood me

00:44:07.866 --> 00:44:10.100
and even though she was like
crazy and out of control,

00:44:10.166 --> 00:44:12.333
I was always like, \"Eee, fun!

00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:13.700
Oh, let\'s do this,
let\'s do that,

00:44:13.766 --> 00:44:14.833
this is a great idea
that\'s a great idea,

00:44:14.900 --> 00:44:16.940
everything\'s just like
\'Oh my God, that\'s just... \'\"

00:44:16.966 --> 00:44:22.766
You know, it\'s just...
It\'s so, you know, impulsive.

00:44:22.833 --> 00:44:24.733
\"It is better to be hated
for what you are

00:44:24.800 --> 00:44:27.366
than to be loved
for what you are not.

00:44:27.433 --> 00:44:30.066
I know in my heart
that the best is yet to come.

00:44:30.133 --> 00:44:31.500
You never have to feel alone

00:44:31.566 --> 00:44:34.500
with your mother
and I standing by you.\"

00:44:34.566 --> 00:44:41.100
♪

00:44:41.166 --> 00:44:44.600
1:30 in the morning,
I get a call.

00:44:44.666 --> 00:44:49.000
\"Miya hung herself.\"

00:44:49.066 --> 00:44:51.366
I said,
\"What are you talking about?\"

00:44:51.433 --> 00:44:54.400
♪

00:44:54.466 --> 00:44:56.933
And he said, \"Miya\'s dead.\"

00:44:57.000 --> 00:44:59.966
How can that be, how can
there just be no more Miya?

00:45:00.033 --> 00:45:01.433
I just remember thinking like,

00:45:01.500 --> 00:45:04.533
\"Oh my God, what is this
gonna do to the family?\"

00:45:04.600 --> 00:45:07.033
♪

00:45:07.100 --> 00:45:09.266
It was almost impossible
to talk with my mom.

00:45:09.333 --> 00:45:13.700
She was hurting so much.

00:45:13.766 --> 00:45:18.966
It wasn\'t just like
we lost Miya, we...

00:45:19.033 --> 00:45:20.500
we lost our mom.

00:45:22.500 --> 00:45:30.500
Losing Miya is like having
a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle

00:45:30.700 --> 00:45:31.933
and you put it together

00:45:32.000 --> 00:45:35.966
and you have
this incredible scene,

00:45:36.033 --> 00:45:42.400
but there\'s one piece missing
and it\'s right in the center.

00:45:42.466 --> 00:45:45.700
And you can never
completely enjoy it,

00:45:45.766 --> 00:45:48.466
because it\'s right there.

00:45:48.533 --> 00:45:50.533
Mom, I\'m in the middle
of doing something.

00:45:50.600 --> 00:45:52.800
- Hi!
- Hey.

00:45:52.866 --> 00:45:57.366
And, I don\'t know,
you remember the stars

00:45:57.433 --> 00:46:00.133
and the glow-in-the-dark
(unintelligible).

00:46:00.200 --> 00:46:02.100
I\'ve never lost a client.

00:46:02.166 --> 00:46:07.300
It had a profound impact on me.

00:46:07.366 --> 00:46:10.166
Not as a psychologist,
a psychotherapist,

00:46:10.233 --> 00:46:12.333
but as a human being.

00:46:12.400 --> 00:46:15.300
♪

00:46:15.366 --> 00:46:16.933
\"I did this before.

00:46:17.000 --> 00:46:19.333
I\'m so very sorry.

00:46:19.400 --> 00:46:21.466
I can\'t do these feelings again.

00:46:21.533 --> 00:46:26.133
I opened up and gave
my most vulnerable part.

00:46:26.200 --> 00:46:27.733
I am in way too much pain.

00:46:27.800 --> 00:46:29.500
It will be easier.

00:46:29.566 --> 00:46:31.200
I really went for it this time

00:46:31.266 --> 00:46:33.300
and I am too wounded this time.

00:46:33.366 --> 00:46:36.733
I\'m sorry, Mom and Dad.\"

00:46:36.800 --> 00:46:39.300
I wake up every morning...

00:46:39.366 --> 00:46:43.600
♪

00:46:43.666 --> 00:46:45.566
I can\'t believe it.

00:46:45.633 --> 00:46:49.800
♪

00:46:49.866 --> 00:46:51.866
I can\'t believe she\'s not here.

00:46:51.933 --> 00:46:56.033
♪

00:46:56.100 --> 00:46:58.100
There\'s no rewind.

00:46:58.166 --> 00:47:02.200
There is no real answer
and there\'s no goodbye.

00:47:02.266 --> 00:47:05.200
I lost my closest sister.

00:47:05.266 --> 00:47:09.633
How do you explain to someone
the reason for that?

00:47:09.700 --> 00:47:13.666
♪

00:47:17.266 --> 00:47:18.966
I was on disability,

00:47:19.033 --> 00:47:21.666
and I was having
a really hard time,

00:47:21.733 --> 00:47:23.933
and I ran into this woman
who I knew

00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:25.666
from working at a magazine.

00:47:25.733 --> 00:47:27.533
She was talking to me
kind of gingerly,

00:47:27.600 --> 00:47:29.966
because she knew
what was going on with me.

00:47:30.033 --> 00:47:32.033
She said, \"You know,

00:47:32.100 --> 00:47:35.500
there\'s a copyediting position
open at Philadelphia Weekly.

00:47:35.566 --> 00:47:39.166
Would you be interested
in something like that?\"

00:47:39.233 --> 00:47:40.733
Hi, how are you?

00:47:40.800 --> 00:47:43.100
It was a great thing
that she did for me.

00:47:43.166 --> 00:47:45.366
And then the executive editor
at the time

00:47:45.433 --> 00:47:47.366
said, \"You know, our editor Tim

00:47:47.433 --> 00:47:48.900
really wants you
to write a column.\"

00:47:48.966 --> 00:47:52.366
And I said, \"Well, basically,
I\'ve been out of circulation

00:47:52.433 --> 00:47:54.200
for nine years or something

00:47:54.266 --> 00:47:56.433
\'cause I\'ve been struggling
with this illness,

00:47:56.500 --> 00:47:58.100
so I don\'t really have any...

00:47:58.166 --> 00:48:00.166
I got nothing for you,\"
you know?

00:48:00.233 --> 00:48:02.400
And she said,
\"That\'s your column.\"

00:48:02.466 --> 00:48:10.466
♪

00:48:11.966 --> 00:48:15.100
After I wrote my first column,
the biggest response I got

00:48:15.166 --> 00:48:18.900
was from other people
who had the illness.

00:48:18.966 --> 00:48:21.333
I started realizing that,
by telling my own story,

00:48:21.400 --> 00:48:23.300
I was helping people somehow,

00:48:23.366 --> 00:48:25.133
I was making them feel
less alone,

00:48:25.200 --> 00:48:28.400
I was making them feel
less marginalized.

00:48:28.466 --> 00:48:31.066
That\'s certainly
what motivates the blog.

00:48:31.133 --> 00:48:33.966
And the YouTube videos that I do

00:48:34.033 --> 00:48:35.300
I really just started doing

00:48:35.366 --> 00:48:38.133
because the technology
was suddenly available.

00:48:38.200 --> 00:48:41.100
Hi, I\'m Liz.

00:48:41.166 --> 00:48:43.933
I\'m your host
for The Trouble with Spikol.

00:48:44.000 --> 00:48:46.833
This microphone won\'t change
your sound quality whatsoever.

00:48:46.900 --> 00:48:50.933
Hi, I\'m the boss\'s wife
from Atlantic Transmission.

00:48:51.000 --> 00:48:53.566
Don\'t get frantic,
call Atlantic!

00:48:53.633 --> 00:48:55.600
I did some kind of goofy videos
at the beginning

00:48:55.666 --> 00:48:57.333
that had nothing to do
with mental illness

00:48:57.400 --> 00:48:59.366
and there were like
five people watching,

00:48:59.433 --> 00:49:02.833
but then as soon as I started
talking about that issue,

00:49:02.900 --> 00:49:06.233
it became much more popular.

00:49:06.300 --> 00:49:09.166
What I wanna do with YouTube
from now on

00:49:09.233 --> 00:49:11.700
is like enough
with the bullshit funny,

00:49:11.766 --> 00:49:14.033
you know, videos about nothing.

00:49:14.100 --> 00:49:15.933
Let\'s talk about real stuff.

00:49:16.000 --> 00:49:18.666
Not everybody
who has a mental illness

00:49:18.733 --> 00:49:23.433
is stumbling along the street
and talking to themselves.

00:49:23.500 --> 00:49:25.933
One could argue that
I\'m talking to myself right now.

00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:29.166
Now it\'s at the point where
people write to me every day

00:49:29.233 --> 00:49:31.700
about their own lives,
their own problems,

00:49:31.766 --> 00:49:33.300
and it\'s become this strange

00:49:33.366 --> 00:49:37.300
kind of support network
for me also.

00:49:37.366 --> 00:49:38.333
You know, on the one hand,

00:49:38.400 --> 00:49:40.233
I\'m offering them
my point of view

00:49:40.300 --> 00:49:43.000
and offering them help
in the way that I can,

00:49:43.066 --> 00:49:44.533
but it\'s also
a little bit selfish,

00:49:44.600 --> 00:49:46.000
because there are
people out there

00:49:46.066 --> 00:49:48.066
who care about me
and who check in.

00:49:48.133 --> 00:49:50.066
\"You didn\'t look so good
in that video,

00:49:50.133 --> 00:49:52.833
you look tired, are you okay?\"

00:49:52.900 --> 00:49:55.433
This is an ugly video.

00:49:58.600 --> 00:50:03.600
I don\'t really have
the energy right now

00:50:03.666 --> 00:50:05.233
for a pretty video.

00:50:05.300 --> 00:50:07.533
But then also I started
to sort of attack issues

00:50:07.600 --> 00:50:09.566
that were related
to mental illness

00:50:09.633 --> 00:50:12.700
and get more into
an advocacy kind of position.

00:50:12.766 --> 00:50:16.266
So, when I went to get ECT
and I\'m in the hospital

00:50:16.333 --> 00:50:18.633
and I\'m in the psych ward
and they\'re telling me,

00:50:18.700 --> 00:50:20.200
\"Don\'t worry.

00:50:20.266 --> 00:50:23.833
Shock treatments
are no longer brutal.

00:50:23.900 --> 00:50:25.566
It\'s a walk in the park.

00:50:25.633 --> 00:50:26.400
It\'s easy!

00:50:26.466 --> 00:50:28.333
You go in,
they put you to sleep,

00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:31.066
you wake up,
and you feel better.

00:50:31.133 --> 00:50:33.033
That\'s all.\"

00:50:33.100 --> 00:50:35.600
Sounds good, right?

00:50:35.666 --> 00:50:39.200
But then they told me
to put on...

00:50:41.533 --> 00:50:43.000
the diaper.

00:50:43.066 --> 00:50:46.400
♪

00:50:46.466 --> 00:50:49.033
It was the best Mother\'s Day
present in the world

00:50:49.100 --> 00:50:51.200
for a Jewish mother
that her daughter

00:50:51.266 --> 00:50:54.733
was in the Styles section
of The New York Times,

00:50:54.800 --> 00:50:59.033
which was hugely ironic,
because I have no style.

00:50:59.100 --> 00:51:00.666
When your kid is the front page

00:51:00.733 --> 00:51:03.200
of the Styles section
of The New York Times

00:51:03.266 --> 00:51:06.266
on Mother\'s Day,
first you scream,

00:51:06.333 --> 00:51:09.600
then you cry, then you read,

00:51:09.666 --> 00:51:12.766
then you react,
then you scream again.

00:51:12.833 --> 00:51:19.066
But she\'s not about mental
illness as a positive thing.

00:51:19.133 --> 00:51:23.166
She\'s about
destigmatizing mental illness,

00:51:23.233 --> 00:51:29.200
but not insisting that
it\'s just a wonderful attribute

00:51:29.266 --> 00:51:32.233
to have in your life
and denying the pain

00:51:32.300 --> 00:51:34.233
and terror of it.

00:51:34.300 --> 00:51:36.533
Yeah, these are my... the meds.

00:51:36.600 --> 00:51:38.300
But I take many fewer
than I used to!

00:51:38.366 --> 00:51:40.533
This is the least amount
of psych meds

00:51:40.600 --> 00:51:43.600
I\'ve ever been on.

00:51:43.666 --> 00:51:45.566
Since insanity.

00:51:45.633 --> 00:51:53.633
♪

00:51:54.133 --> 00:51:56.433
I feel for many years
I\'ve been defined

00:51:56.500 --> 00:51:59.333
as a person
with bipolar disorder.

00:51:59.400 --> 00:52:01.266
A public person with it,

00:52:01.333 --> 00:52:04.366
a person who struggles with it
privately.

00:52:04.433 --> 00:52:06.700
There\'s the effort of
just living with this stuff

00:52:06.766 --> 00:52:09.366
and then the effort
of hiding it all the time.

00:52:09.433 --> 00:52:13.166
I just want people
to know that, you know,

00:52:13.233 --> 00:52:17.500
it\'s not like it goes away.

00:52:17.566 --> 00:52:23.800
- I don\'t know.
- When she has no parents,

00:52:23.866 --> 00:52:26.266
it could be a hell of a vacation

00:52:26.333 --> 00:52:29.100
or it could be hard for her.

00:52:29.166 --> 00:52:30.333
But I\'m out!

00:52:30.400 --> 00:52:35.000
As soon as I have
no parents, out!

00:52:35.066 --> 00:52:36.333
See, this is what she tells me,

00:52:36.400 --> 00:52:38.933
she\'s gonna kill herself
as soon as I\'m dead,

00:52:39.000 --> 00:52:41.300
- so she doesn\'t have to...
- Well, once you\'re both dead.

00:52:41.366 --> 00:52:43.366
You both have to be dead.

00:52:43.433 --> 00:52:47.200
It\'s hard,
it\'s really a struggle.

00:52:47.266 --> 00:52:49.733
And I\'m tired, I\'m so tired.

00:52:49.800 --> 00:52:57.333
When will I have
to stop fighting this illness?

00:52:57.400 --> 00:53:02.366
The struggle to stay normal,
to act like everybody else,

00:53:02.433 --> 00:53:05.500
you know, it just
is overwhelming.

00:53:05.566 --> 00:53:08.666
♪

00:53:08.733 --> 00:53:10.800
(horn blowing)

00:53:14.100 --> 00:53:15.333
I think depression
is the hard part

00:53:15.400 --> 00:53:16.600
for a lot of people.

00:53:16.666 --> 00:53:19.433
We like the mania,
we want the mania,

00:53:19.500 --> 00:53:22.000
we don\'t want the depression,
it doesn\'t feel good.

00:53:22.066 --> 00:53:26.033
We live in a society that says
we should never feel any pain,

00:53:26.100 --> 00:53:28.700
we should never address it,
we should never understand it,

00:53:28.766 --> 00:53:30.700
we should avoid pain
at all costs.

00:53:30.766 --> 00:53:34.200
It\'s almost the mantra
of our society.

00:53:34.266 --> 00:53:36.433
But there\'s been a lot of people

00:53:36.500 --> 00:53:38.833
who have dealt with pain
their whole lives

00:53:38.900 --> 00:53:40.333
that say something different.

00:53:40.400 --> 00:53:42.266
They say, \"I got to the point

00:53:42.333 --> 00:53:44.933
where I saw beauty
in the pain.\"

00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:46.466
One person who\'s labeled bipolar

00:53:46.533 --> 00:53:49.800
and the next have very different
experiences in life.

00:53:49.866 --> 00:53:51.533
They\'re not the same.

00:53:51.600 --> 00:53:55.100
So we have to recognize
that there\'s diverse experiences

00:53:55.166 --> 00:53:58.366
within people that have
a label of bipolar.

00:53:58.433 --> 00:54:02.900
All human beings in our society

00:54:02.966 --> 00:54:05.000
are wrestling with issues.

00:54:05.066 --> 00:54:08.400
When you see somebody
who\'s so-called \"crazy,\"

00:54:08.466 --> 00:54:10.600
you can say, \"Oh, I\'m not them.\"

00:54:10.666 --> 00:54:13.066
I have this nice grip
on reality.

00:54:13.133 --> 00:54:15.566
Society is more
and more being forced

00:54:15.633 --> 00:54:18.600
to look at the fact
that they have a mental

00:54:18.666 --> 00:54:21.733
- and emotional problem.
- I think if I put a microscope

00:54:21.800 --> 00:54:24.566
on anyone the way the microscope
has been on me for years,

00:54:24.633 --> 00:54:27.133
that I\'ll find something wrong
with their brain also.

00:54:27.200 --> 00:54:28.166
I would love to get inside

00:54:28.233 --> 00:54:30.166
a normal person\'s head
for one day

00:54:30.233 --> 00:54:32.633
and see what that feels like.

00:54:32.700 --> 00:54:35.566
You know, there\'s a great quote
from an Umberto Eco book

00:54:35.633 --> 00:54:42.233
that says, \"How peaceful
the world would be without love.

00:54:42.300 --> 00:54:46.533
How peaceful, how safe,
and how dull,\" you know?

00:54:46.600 --> 00:54:49.366
And I think of manic depression
that way a lot.

00:54:49.433 --> 00:54:51.733
I think, you know, yeah,
we\'d probably all be

00:54:51.800 --> 00:54:56.233
a lot more steady
in a stable world,

00:54:56.300 --> 00:55:01.466
and more content,
but be more happy?

00:55:02.766 --> 00:55:03.800
I don\'t know.

00:55:09.733 --> 00:55:10.533
You question everything,

00:55:10.600 --> 00:55:11.866
and Cheri was really good
the other night.

00:55:11.933 --> 00:55:13.300
I was like, \"Man,
I\'m feeling really weird.\"

00:55:13.366 --> 00:55:17.100
She goes,
\"Don\'t over-identify with it.

00:55:17.166 --> 00:55:18.933
You\'re not different.

00:55:19.000 --> 00:55:23.233
Don\'t think, don\'t attribute
everything to this now.\"

00:55:23.300 --> 00:55:25.766
As far as being bipolar,
yeah, I don\'t take meds.

00:55:25.833 --> 00:55:29.066
My, you know, scripts
are still on the fucking fridge.

00:55:29.133 --> 00:55:30.366
Been there, I see them every day

00:55:30.433 --> 00:55:32.666
when I get into the fridge,
you know?

00:55:32.733 --> 00:55:36.133
This definitely goes
to the trickiness

00:55:36.200 --> 00:55:37.400
of the bipolar mind

00:55:37.466 --> 00:55:40.600
trying to get out
of taking meds.

00:55:40.666 --> 00:55:43.766
They\'re pretty, in a way,
they form nice shapes.

00:55:43.833 --> 00:55:46.600
My excuse has always been
rationalization.

00:55:46.666 --> 00:55:49.166
Feeling too good
to take meds, et cetera.

00:55:49.233 --> 00:55:51.266
But ever since
I started taking drugs,

00:55:51.333 --> 00:55:54.200
my creativity
has gone out the window.

00:55:54.266 --> 00:55:58.900
Even if the medication
is maintaining me,

00:55:58.966 --> 00:56:00.333
that I don\'t want to live,

00:56:00.400 --> 00:56:03.600
because my life is
so fucking boring.

00:56:03.666 --> 00:56:08.800
♪

00:56:08.866 --> 00:56:10.566
Every time you apply
for health insurance

00:56:10.633 --> 00:56:13.366
and you\'re denied,
it goes on your record.

00:56:13.433 --> 00:56:17.666
So you become
less and less desirable

00:56:17.733 --> 00:56:20.900
if you are
continually denied coverage.

00:56:20.966 --> 00:56:24.533
I did a last ditch effort

00:56:24.600 --> 00:56:27.966
in trying to gain
health insurance.

00:56:28.033 --> 00:56:31.200
I get this letter, which reads:

00:56:31.266 --> 00:56:32.500
\"Dear Cheri Keating,

00:56:32.566 --> 00:56:34.966
We appreciate your interest
in the Aetna Advantage Plans

00:56:35.033 --> 00:56:36.333
for individuals and families.

00:56:36.400 --> 00:56:39.133
Medical information obtained
from your application

00:56:39.200 --> 00:56:41.700
documents a history
of bipolar disorder.

00:56:41.766 --> 00:56:44.066
This condition exceeds
the allowable limits

00:56:44.133 --> 00:56:48.166
provided by
our underwriting guidelines.\"

00:56:48.233 --> 00:56:51.200
I was devastated.

00:56:51.266 --> 00:56:54.666
So these pills,
at the dosage I\'m taking,

00:56:54.733 --> 00:57:00.100
it costs $600 a month
without insurance,

00:57:00.166 --> 00:57:01.333
which I don\'t have

00:57:01.400 --> 00:57:04.333
because of the fact
that I\'m bipolar.

00:57:04.400 --> 00:57:08.100
Plus my psychiatry visits,
plus my therapy every week.

00:57:08.166 --> 00:57:11.000
That\'s why I wanna move
to France,

00:57:11.066 --> 00:57:13.400
because I\'m tired
of the American system.

00:57:13.466 --> 00:57:15.733
It makes me very, very angry.

00:57:15.800 --> 00:57:23.800
♪

00:57:29.966 --> 00:57:30.900
Is that it?

00:57:30.966 --> 00:57:33.333
It\'s so tiny!

00:57:33.400 --> 00:57:35.900
One week I was here,
and then the next week,

00:57:35.966 --> 00:57:38.366
I was in Paris.

00:57:38.433 --> 00:57:40.600
This was literally escaping.

00:57:40.666 --> 00:57:43.566
I tend to be manic
when I travel.

00:57:43.633 --> 00:57:45.200
I wanna go to Paris,
I wanna go to Amsterdam,

00:57:45.266 --> 00:57:47.366
I want to go
to New York or wherever.

00:57:47.433 --> 00:57:48.833
♪

00:57:48.900 --> 00:57:52.033
I thrive in that environment.

00:57:52.100 --> 00:57:53.866
In the last several years,

00:57:53.933 --> 00:57:57.700
my motivation for traveling
is out of desperation

00:57:57.766 --> 00:57:59.500
in trying to escape.

00:57:59.566 --> 00:58:04.533
♪

00:58:07.633 --> 00:58:09.966
So...

00:58:10.033 --> 00:58:12.633
Petey and I have broken up.

00:58:14.600 --> 00:58:15.666
Yeah.

00:58:15.733 --> 00:58:21.033
Um, and that\'s been
very difficult,

00:58:21.100 --> 00:58:23.133
very sad.

00:58:24.400 --> 00:58:26.933
But sadness is different
than depression,

00:58:27.000 --> 00:58:31.733
because sadness goes away.

00:58:31.800 --> 00:58:33.900
♪

00:58:33.966 --> 00:58:37.200
I don\'t really know what to say

00:58:37.266 --> 00:58:41.166
about all of it.

00:58:41.233 --> 00:58:44.000
It\'s very sad, I think.

00:58:44.066 --> 00:58:45.933
♪

00:58:46.000 --> 00:58:47.833
Being in a relationship
with somebody

00:58:47.900 --> 00:58:53.600
that is that extreme bipolar,

00:58:53.666 --> 00:58:56.600
it\'s either
really, really great,

00:58:56.666 --> 00:58:59.600
or it\'s really, really
not that fucking great.

00:58:59.666 --> 00:59:01.266
(laughing)

00:59:01.333 --> 00:59:04.066
I know it was
the right thing to do,

00:59:04.133 --> 00:59:07.200
was for us to break up.

00:59:07.266 --> 00:59:11.233
But still, I\'m very sad from it
and it upsets me

00:59:11.300 --> 00:59:14.700
and I care for him still.

00:59:14.766 --> 00:59:16.700
I\'m worrying about him.

00:59:16.766 --> 00:59:19.266
If you keep putting your arm
on the saw of love,

00:59:19.333 --> 00:59:20.966
sooner or later,
that shit\'s gonna get cut off,

00:59:21.033 --> 00:59:22.266
you know what I mean?

00:59:22.333 --> 00:59:24.700
How do you keep jumping back on?

00:59:24.766 --> 00:59:29.800
At some point, you just have
to get off Crazy Mountain.

00:59:29.866 --> 00:59:32.100
I truly love her.

00:59:32.166 --> 00:59:33.266
It was very simple to me,

00:59:33.333 --> 00:59:35.266
and that\'s what
I wanted it to be.

00:59:35.333 --> 00:59:37.766
I thought we... I thought we both,

00:59:37.833 --> 00:59:40.633
out of all the shit
that we\'ve both been through,

00:59:40.700 --> 00:59:46.533
in bad relationships
and things with our families,

00:59:46.600 --> 00:59:51.100
we really deserved
a very simple, like,

00:59:51.166 --> 00:59:53.833
\"I\'m here, I love you.\"

00:59:53.900 --> 01:00:01.900
♪

01:00:04.133 --> 01:00:06.766
Although I am out to the world

01:00:06.833 --> 01:00:12.133
about having bipolar disorder,
I\'m really hidden about it

01:00:12.200 --> 01:00:14.066
in my personal relationships,

01:00:14.133 --> 01:00:17.800
because I already know that
I am the public crazy person,

01:00:17.866 --> 01:00:21.233
so I have to go out of my way
to be completely

01:00:21.300 --> 01:00:24.533
and totally normal
and hold it together,

01:00:24.600 --> 01:00:27.333
and it\'s really difficult
in an intimate relationship,

01:00:27.400 --> 01:00:29.900
because you wanna be
your whole self

01:00:29.966 --> 01:00:31.266
with your partner,

01:00:31.333 --> 01:00:34.166
but you don\'t wanna
freak them out.

01:00:34.233 --> 01:00:36.400
Vince was across the room,
I hadn\'t met him yet,

01:00:36.466 --> 01:00:38.333
and I said to our friend,
I was like,

01:00:38.400 --> 01:00:40.466
\"That guy is totally
checking you out,

01:00:40.533 --> 01:00:42.333
- oh, my God.\"
- And he was like,

01:00:42.400 --> 01:00:44.400
\"No, honey,
he\'s looking at you,\"

01:00:44.466 --> 01:00:45.833
you know, and it turned out,
in fact,

01:00:45.900 --> 01:00:47.300
that I had been looking at her.

01:00:47.366 --> 01:00:49.066
He gave me his, like...

01:00:49.133 --> 01:00:52.033
The look
that he gives the ladies

01:00:52.100 --> 01:00:54.666
when he wants to impress them.

01:00:54.733 --> 01:00:56.933
We\'re drawn
to each other immediately,

01:00:57.000 --> 01:01:00.100
and before long,
we were living together.

01:01:00.166 --> 01:01:03.166
I was aware
that she had the diagnosis

01:01:03.233 --> 01:01:05.266
and that she had had
a certain history,

01:01:05.333 --> 01:01:07.166
and I thought
that was sort of intriguing

01:01:07.233 --> 01:01:09.266
that she had gone
through those things

01:01:09.333 --> 01:01:11.633
and survived them.

01:01:13.866 --> 01:01:15.866
The little bit that he has seen,

01:01:15.933 --> 01:01:22.300
he\'s been very supportive
and very giving and loving.

01:01:22.366 --> 01:01:25.766
However, he did say to me
when I had, like,

01:01:25.833 --> 01:01:31.066
a really, really bad episode...

01:01:31.133 --> 01:01:34.166
He said,
\"I\'ve never seen you that way.\"

01:01:34.233 --> 01:01:39.566
He did say, \"I mean,
it\'s not a deal-breaker, but...\"

01:01:39.633 --> 01:01:42.066
I thought, \"Of course it\'s not
a fucking deal-breaker.\"

01:01:42.133 --> 01:01:43.833
I mean, I know
he absolutely didn\'t mean it

01:01:43.900 --> 01:01:45.800
to sound that way,

01:01:45.866 --> 01:01:48.466
but I\'m sure if it was
like five more times,

01:01:48.533 --> 01:01:50.166
yeah, maybe it would be
a deal-breaker.

01:01:50.233 --> 01:01:54.366
So that\'s part of the reason
for hiding it all.

01:02:00.266 --> 01:02:04.266
I have had a lot of people
in my life leave me,

01:02:04.333 --> 01:02:08.133
abandon me
because of the illness.

01:02:08.200 --> 01:02:10.666
Sometimes I think people
are afraid of contagion,

01:02:10.733 --> 01:02:13.333
you know, that if they spend
too much time with you,

01:02:13.400 --> 01:02:14.433
they don\'t wanna get sucked in,

01:02:14.500 --> 01:02:16.600
they don\'t want you to be needy.

01:02:16.666 --> 01:02:20.100
I\'m generally resistant
to thinking of her

01:02:20.166 --> 01:02:23.466
as a person with an illness.

01:02:23.533 --> 01:02:25.133
All right, guys.

01:02:28.066 --> 01:02:29.700
Come on, Champion, jump to me.

01:02:29.766 --> 01:02:31.033
He won\'t jump to me.

01:02:31.100 --> 01:02:32.833
He\'s all about Vince.

01:02:32.900 --> 01:02:35.166
Yeah, he\'s gonna stay,
basically, on the creature

01:02:35.233 --> 01:02:37.333
that smells the most like food.

01:02:37.400 --> 01:02:38.700
Jump to me, jump to me!

01:02:38.766 --> 01:02:40.266
When I first met Vince,

01:02:40.333 --> 01:02:44.000
he was opposed
to having any pets at all

01:02:44.066 --> 01:02:46.133
and any children at all.

01:02:46.200 --> 01:02:47.900
He still objects
to the children part.

01:02:47.966 --> 01:02:50.266
But I found sugar gliders,

01:02:50.333 --> 01:02:52.166
which are these marsupials
from Australia.

01:02:52.233 --> 01:02:53.866
They\'re nocturnal,
they need to be out of the cage,

01:02:53.933 --> 01:02:56.133
they make a ton of noise.

01:02:56.200 --> 01:02:57.566
We didn\'t really know that

01:02:57.633 --> 01:03:00.433
and we got them
and they had babies and...

01:03:00.500 --> 01:03:02.433
with all of the adorableness,

01:03:02.500 --> 01:03:06.366
he just totally
became a sucker for them.

01:03:06.433 --> 01:03:08.433
Some work going on
in this stretch of block

01:03:08.500 --> 01:03:10.300
- a while ago.
- He told me

01:03:10.366 --> 01:03:13.133
that he was not
into settling down,

01:03:13.200 --> 01:03:15.400
not into relationships,
not into monogamy.

01:03:15.466 --> 01:03:17.533
All of this stuff about how,
in fact,

01:03:17.600 --> 01:03:19.866
we probably would
just say hello and goodbye

01:03:19.933 --> 01:03:22.800
and that would be it, you know?

01:03:22.866 --> 01:03:26.033
And then he moved in with me
five minutes later.

01:03:28.533 --> 01:03:31.800
My psychiatrist says
that I\'m very weird,

01:03:31.866 --> 01:03:34.266
because I fall in love with men

01:03:34.333 --> 01:03:37.333
the way that girls do
in the movies

01:03:37.400 --> 01:03:39.700
and Bye Bye Birdie,
when they\'re on the phone,

01:03:39.766 --> 01:03:40.666
\"Did you hear?\"

01:03:40.733 --> 01:03:44.666
I don\'t know, I just...
It\'s that kind of thing,

01:03:44.733 --> 01:03:47.466
but I\'m physically attracted
to women.

01:03:47.533 --> 01:03:48.900
I do feel like
you were encroaching

01:03:48.966 --> 01:03:50.566
on my territory a little bit,

01:03:50.633 --> 01:03:52.766
- but now I\'m over it.
- Hmm.

01:03:52.833 --> 01:03:55.400
Well, you still have
this whole psychosis thing

01:03:55.466 --> 01:03:58.433
on top of that,
you know what I mean?

01:03:58.500 --> 01:04:01.266
We were, like, really,
really attracted to each other.

01:04:01.333 --> 01:04:02.433
It\'s been so up and down

01:04:02.500 --> 01:04:04.266
because then
she was dating Vince,

01:04:04.333 --> 01:04:06.400
like he was like
her primary relationship

01:04:06.466 --> 01:04:08.266
and I was totally, like,
in denial about that

01:04:08.333 --> 01:04:09.833
and that was really painful.

01:04:09.900 --> 01:04:13.366
With me, it was just like,
\"Woo, I\'m in bed with a girl!\"

01:04:13.433 --> 01:04:16.333
- So who cares?
- Go at it!

01:04:16.400 --> 01:04:20.200
Yeah, so Liz met Laura
and so far as I knew,

01:04:20.266 --> 01:04:24.733
this was gonna be a fun,
you know, maybe sexy friendship

01:04:24.800 --> 01:04:27.000
that was just gonna be
on the side for her

01:04:27.066 --> 01:04:30.100
and I was comfortable enough
with that.

01:04:30.166 --> 01:04:31.566
The moment at which I realized

01:04:31.633 --> 01:04:34.266
that there was
an actual challenge,

01:04:34.333 --> 01:04:35.966
a threat to our relationship,

01:04:36.033 --> 01:04:38.733
the reality of
what I might be losing

01:04:38.800 --> 01:04:41.433
started to really sink in.

01:04:41.500 --> 01:04:43.533
In the process, I did
totally fall in love with her

01:04:43.600 --> 01:04:47.700
and I think that\'s still,
even though we then went out

01:04:47.766 --> 01:04:51.433
and then broke up
and now we\'re more friends,

01:04:51.500 --> 01:04:54.233
who occasionally hook up
depending on whether

01:04:54.300 --> 01:04:59.333
the meds make her libido
really low or not.

01:04:59.400 --> 01:05:02.100
When I told you
that I was, like, gonna go

01:05:02.166 --> 01:05:04.400
more in the direction
of the gay thing

01:05:04.466 --> 01:05:06.866
and you said, \"How marginalized
do you wanna be?\"

01:05:06.933 --> 01:05:10.266
You know, \"How many parades
can you go to?\"

01:05:10.333 --> 01:05:14.400
I said... I was concerned
how many parades I could go to.

01:05:14.466 --> 01:05:16.466
- Yeah, right!
- \'Cause I was gonna be

01:05:16.533 --> 01:05:18.866
a supportive mother
no matter what!

01:05:18.933 --> 01:05:23.733
The thing is that I am gay,
like 90 percent,

01:05:23.800 --> 01:05:26.966
but with Vince, I\'m straight.

01:05:27.033 --> 01:05:29.233
(indistinct conversation)

01:05:29.300 --> 01:05:32.166
Sex is definitely
a heightened experience

01:05:32.233 --> 01:05:35.466
when you\'re manic,
because you have no body issues.

01:05:35.533 --> 01:05:37.100
First of all, the idea is that

01:05:37.166 --> 01:05:38.900
everybody wants
to have sex with you,

01:05:38.966 --> 01:05:42.700
and the weird thing is
you\'re so charming and sexy

01:05:42.766 --> 01:05:44.286
that people do wanna
have sex with you!

01:05:44.333 --> 01:05:46.066
I mean, it\'s this whole
strange cycle,

01:05:46.133 --> 01:05:48.300
so I would think,
\"I look so hot.

01:05:48.366 --> 01:05:50.233
I am so fine,\" you know,

01:05:50.300 --> 01:05:53.533
and I would go out
and men would be drawn to me

01:05:53.600 --> 01:05:55.800
and then I would
have sex with them.

01:05:55.866 --> 01:05:58.566
And I would think,
\"I am so good in bed.\"

01:05:58.633 --> 01:06:02.066
Whereas, in my normal state,
you know, kind of like,

01:06:02.133 --> 01:06:03.366
\"Can we turn the lights off?\"

01:06:03.433 --> 01:06:06.800
I don\'t know, it\'s just
a whole different thing.

01:06:06.866 --> 01:06:09.466
I know that I\'m constantly
kinda struggling

01:06:09.533 --> 01:06:11.600
to relate to her
as a person with an illness,

01:06:11.666 --> 01:06:14.566
but I don\'t want
to be sharing a life

01:06:14.633 --> 01:06:15.633
with an ill person,

01:06:15.666 --> 01:06:18.766
I want to be
sharing my life with Liz.

01:06:18.833 --> 01:06:21.100
When you\'re confronted
with some phenomenon

01:06:21.166 --> 01:06:22.400
of the illness, you know,

01:06:22.466 --> 01:06:24.400
like that night
before she moved out

01:06:24.466 --> 01:06:28.233
when she really
went round the bend,

01:06:28.300 --> 01:06:32.300
you\'re like, \"Oh, shit,
yeah, this is real.\"

01:06:32.366 --> 01:06:36.300
Even though she was freaking out
and sobbing uncontrollably

01:06:36.366 --> 01:06:38.600
and totally panicked about
the prospect of leaving me

01:06:38.666 --> 01:06:42.833
and what that might do,
ultimately, to our relationship,

01:06:42.900 --> 01:06:45.166
- you went.
- Right.

01:06:45.233 --> 01:06:46.566
I think you knew you had to go,

01:06:46.633 --> 01:06:49.600
you knew you had
to see it through.

01:06:49.666 --> 01:06:52.100
On the one hand,
I hear him say all of this

01:06:52.166 --> 01:06:53.666
and I feel really guilty.

01:06:53.733 --> 01:06:55.633
I\'m such a horrible person,
I can\'t believe I did all that.

01:06:55.700 --> 01:06:57.700
And on the other hand,
I think, \"You know what,

01:06:57.766 --> 01:06:59.666
he was kind of a schmuck
for the months before that.\"

01:06:59.733 --> 01:07:01.766
Like before I said
anything about this.

01:07:01.833 --> 01:07:02.733
We were having trouble.

01:07:02.800 --> 01:07:05.133
Yeah, no, I think
it was probably important

01:07:05.200 --> 01:07:07.300
that Liz called me a schmuck.

01:07:07.366 --> 01:07:10.066
♪

01:07:10.133 --> 01:07:12.000
I do think living
with another person

01:07:12.066 --> 01:07:13.633
is helpful to me.

01:07:13.700 --> 01:07:14.800
When I live by myself,

01:07:14.866 --> 01:07:21.400
I do tend to lose the thread
of reality fairly quickly,

01:07:21.466 --> 01:07:24.333
and even when he goes away
on a trip or something,

01:07:24.400 --> 01:07:27.566
I can get into, like,
a pretty bad place.

01:07:27.633 --> 01:07:29.766
(speaking Spanish)

01:07:31.633 --> 01:07:33.733
She\'s stretching for it!

01:07:33.800 --> 01:07:34.733
We just couldn\'t be apart.

01:07:34.800 --> 01:07:37.100
I mean, I\'m just
completely in love with him,

01:07:37.166 --> 01:07:40.266
and I wanna be with him forever.

01:07:40.333 --> 01:07:43.900
It\'s a little problematic
because he\'s male,

01:07:43.966 --> 01:07:45.200
but at the same time,

01:07:45.266 --> 01:07:47.866
we were separated
for like 10 weeks or something,

01:07:47.933 --> 01:07:49.466
and that was sort of it.

01:07:49.533 --> 01:07:51.966
I was like,
\"Ooh, I\'m leaving you.\"

01:07:52.033 --> 01:07:53.366
And then 10 weeks later,
I was like,

01:07:53.433 --> 01:07:56.033
\"Can I come back? I miss you.\"

01:07:56.100 --> 01:07:59.233
You know, and we\'re just
really, um, in love

01:07:59.300 --> 01:08:01.266
and we just have been.

01:08:04.100 --> 01:08:05.800
Our little happy family here,

01:08:05.866 --> 01:08:08.766
furry and not so furry.

01:08:08.833 --> 01:08:10.533
Yeah.

01:08:10.600 --> 01:08:18.300
♪

01:08:21.466 --> 01:08:29.466
♪

01:08:39.033 --> 01:08:42.866
They need to be repainted

01:08:42.933 --> 01:08:46.633
and the wiring sort of fixed up,

01:08:46.700 --> 01:08:48.033
but it can be done.

01:08:48.100 --> 01:08:49.866
It\'ll take some work.

01:08:49.933 --> 01:08:52.700
But they\'re there.

01:08:52.766 --> 01:08:54.466
♪

01:08:54.533 --> 01:09:00.233
It was crack cocaine
that led to his life

01:09:00.300 --> 01:09:03.166
going into that very dark track,

01:09:03.233 --> 01:09:09.033
but I will always love
and admire his wife Ginger

01:09:09.100 --> 01:09:11.000
for hanging in there.

01:09:11.066 --> 01:09:14.933
She knew that she could
pull him out of that.

01:09:15.000 --> 01:09:17.133
My wife, God bless her soul,

01:09:17.200 --> 01:09:23.333
convinced me
to go into the hospital.

01:09:23.399 --> 01:09:26.366
And I said, \"Okay,\" I would.

01:09:26.433 --> 01:09:29.533
I had been going to counseling,
I was so miserable.

01:09:29.600 --> 01:09:33.766
I had gone in there
and described what was going on,

01:09:33.833 --> 01:09:36.700
and he said, \"He\'s bipolar!

01:09:36.766 --> 01:09:39.566
Are you confused?\"

01:09:39.633 --> 01:09:44.166
I think he got his diagnosis
in the spring of 2003.

01:09:44.233 --> 01:09:47.500
I feel very guilty
that I didn\'t catch it sooner

01:09:47.566 --> 01:09:53.333
and didn\'t insist sooner,
but what happened happened.

01:09:53.399 --> 01:09:55.666
A-ha! All of a sudden
I took the medicines

01:09:55.733 --> 01:09:58.433
and it was good!

01:09:58.500 --> 01:10:02.000
It was like
the monkey went away!

01:10:02.066 --> 01:10:04.000
I didn\'t have to do anything!

01:10:04.066 --> 01:10:06.533
I didn\'t have to give it up
to some spiritual being

01:10:06.600 --> 01:10:10.400
or to you or to the doorknob
or to whatever it was,

01:10:10.466 --> 01:10:12.733
you know, they talk about
in the 12-step programs

01:10:12.800 --> 01:10:16.366
and I didn\'t do any of that
crap, it just went away!

01:10:16.433 --> 01:10:18.733
We got him settled in
to the hospital room

01:10:18.800 --> 01:10:23.100
and he said, \"I guess you\'re
really sticking with me, huh?\"

01:10:23.166 --> 01:10:25.233
Yeah, Carl.

01:10:25.300 --> 01:10:27.566
I\'ll stick with you.

01:10:27.633 --> 01:10:30.733
You mean it was just
a biochemical imbalance

01:10:30.800 --> 01:10:32.833
in my own brain!

01:10:32.900 --> 01:10:34.366
A-ha!

01:10:37.466 --> 01:10:40.433
I run across a lot of people
who are very opposed

01:10:40.500 --> 01:10:44.133
to any kind of
psychotropic meds.

01:10:44.200 --> 01:10:48.933
And I can see why,
I can see the reasons,

01:10:49.000 --> 01:10:51.733
because a lot of people think
that it ruins their creativity.

01:10:51.800 --> 01:10:54.800
Now what I\'ve found
is that it hasn\'t mine.

01:10:54.866 --> 01:10:59.533
But I\'d be really scared
if I didn\'t take my medication.

01:10:59.600 --> 01:11:04.566
I don\'t wanna go back
to those cycles I used to have,

01:11:04.633 --> 01:11:07.966
and I just don\'t think
that they wouldn\'t go back

01:11:08.033 --> 01:11:10.533
if I didn\'t... if I just stuck

01:11:10.600 --> 01:11:13.266
to some sort of weird
African root

01:11:13.333 --> 01:11:14.700
or something or other.

01:11:14.766 --> 01:11:16.066
(laughing)

01:11:19.433 --> 01:11:22.733
Wasn\'t dry for a long time.

01:11:22.800 --> 01:11:24.733
They take forever to dry.

01:11:24.800 --> 01:11:28.500
- You see it, Ginger?
- Yeah, is that what I look like?

01:11:30.200 --> 01:11:31.866
Sort of abstraction
a little bit.

01:11:31.933 --> 01:11:34.300
I\'d say.

01:11:34.366 --> 01:11:36.333
It looks like you!

01:11:36.400 --> 01:11:40.033
I can tell it\'s you.

01:11:40.100 --> 01:11:42.833
Regrets?

01:11:42.900 --> 01:11:45.633
We all have regrets.

01:11:45.700 --> 01:11:47.700
I have regrets.

01:11:47.766 --> 01:11:53.133
I have regrets
that I treated Ginger

01:11:53.200 --> 01:11:55.300
as badly as I\'ve treated her
sometimes.

01:11:55.366 --> 01:11:56.500
You ready to go, guys?

01:11:56.566 --> 01:11:58.000
- He\'s gonna jump at the door.
- Wanna go?

01:11:58.066 --> 01:11:59.566
Jump at the door,
jump at the door!

01:11:59.633 --> 01:12:00.866
Oh, boy, oh, boy!

01:12:00.933 --> 01:12:02.533
Oh, boy, you ready?

01:12:02.600 --> 01:12:04.666
Ready? Oh!

01:12:04.733 --> 01:12:06.533
She stuck by me
through thick and thin,

01:12:06.600 --> 01:12:07.600
believe you me.

01:12:07.666 --> 01:12:08.600
My first wife dumped me

01:12:08.666 --> 01:12:12.900
after she had enough
of my shenanigans.

01:12:12.966 --> 01:12:15.233
Let\'s go!

01:12:15.300 --> 01:12:18.666
Whether you were low,
whether you were high...

01:12:18.733 --> 01:12:21.133
Come on, doggy, come on...

01:12:21.200 --> 01:12:23.800
You persisted
and you continued to do that

01:12:23.866 --> 01:12:26.333
and you had that discipline.

01:12:26.400 --> 01:12:28.633
That\'s just what it was
and you did it,

01:12:28.700 --> 01:12:30.966
and that\'s how you are,

01:12:31.033 --> 01:12:32.400
and that\'s just
a wonderful thing.

01:12:32.466 --> 01:12:36.533
- Genuine crazy.
- No, no, no, no, no!

01:12:36.600 --> 01:12:42.166
- No, genuinely persistent.
- Crazy.

01:12:42.233 --> 01:12:43.933
I love him.

01:12:44.000 --> 01:12:45.700
And I wanted to be with him,

01:12:45.766 --> 01:12:47.400
and I helped him out of

01:12:47.466 --> 01:12:50.533
what seemed like
an impossible situation.

01:12:50.600 --> 01:12:54.133
And life doesn\'t seem
impossible anymore.

01:12:54.200 --> 01:12:56.366
He\'s the happiest
I\'ve ever seen him.

01:12:56.433 --> 01:13:01.266
He\'s still got his spark.

01:13:01.333 --> 01:13:05.300
He\'s got a lot of history
at this point.

01:13:05.366 --> 01:13:06.966
I would love
to get dressed up again

01:13:07.033 --> 01:13:10.033
- and do it just for fun.
- Oh, gosh.

01:13:10.100 --> 01:13:12.466
You know, I wish
you would consider that

01:13:12.533 --> 01:13:17.133
a piece of your past
and leave it there.

01:13:17.200 --> 01:13:18.733
- I\'m not, I mean...
- I have the feeling

01:13:18.800 --> 01:13:21.133
a lot of people
would love to see me

01:13:21.200 --> 01:13:23.900
- dressed up like that.
- Oh, please don\'t do it.

01:13:23.966 --> 01:13:26.233
Well, I\'m not gonna do it
unless I lose about 100 pounds.

01:13:26.300 --> 01:13:28.566
Well, there you go!

01:13:28.633 --> 01:13:31.100
So that means
it\'s never gonna happen?

01:13:31.166 --> 01:13:33.233
(laughing)

01:13:33.300 --> 01:13:35.466
\'Cause right now,
I look like a diva.

01:13:35.533 --> 01:13:40.600
♪

01:13:40.666 --> 01:13:41.866
Everything\'s amazing.

01:13:41.933 --> 01:13:47.033
Everything\'s amazing,
phenomenal, ecstatic,

01:13:47.100 --> 01:13:51.166
gorgeous, and the sky is bluer
and the trees are greener,

01:13:51.233 --> 01:13:52.566
the grass is greener.

01:13:52.633 --> 01:13:56.233
Those colors are just, like...
You just wanna scream.

01:13:56.300 --> 01:13:57.733
Yeah, I mean,
I\'m just getting breathless

01:13:57.800 --> 01:13:59.733
just thinking about it.

01:13:59.800 --> 01:14:06.300
♪

01:14:06.366 --> 01:14:12.133
Depression is...
It\'s the great lack.

01:14:12.200 --> 01:14:15.366
Most people go to work
and they can be moody,

01:14:15.433 --> 01:14:17.166
depressed, grumpy, whatever

01:14:17.233 --> 01:14:19.966
and no one really cares
and no one bothers them,

01:14:20.033 --> 01:14:22.366
but I can\'t do that.

01:14:22.433 --> 01:14:28.300
I have to be... happy.

01:14:28.366 --> 01:14:31.933
I can\'t be the focus of my job.

01:14:32.000 --> 01:14:35.000
I was going up
to a client\'s house

01:14:35.066 --> 01:14:37.166
and was in the elevator,

01:14:37.233 --> 01:14:40.366
and before I got to his floor,

01:14:40.433 --> 01:14:43.866
I looked at myself in the mirror
and I was like,

01:14:43.933 --> 01:14:46.500
\"Okay, game face!\"

01:14:46.566 --> 01:14:53.666
And, um,
I instantly am my chipper,

01:14:53.733 --> 01:14:55.366
perky self,

01:14:55.433 --> 01:14:57.666
and then, you know, driving home

01:14:57.733 --> 01:15:01.400
and thinking
about crashing my car,

01:15:01.466 --> 01:15:03.933
but not wanting
to take anyone else out.

01:15:04.000 --> 01:15:12.000
♪

01:15:18.466 --> 01:15:21.300
Petey and I are
seeing each other again.

01:15:21.366 --> 01:15:23.266
♪

01:15:23.333 --> 01:15:25.700
This weekend was
really, really bad.

01:15:25.766 --> 01:15:26.933
I lost it.

01:15:27.000 --> 01:15:30.266
I had basically had
a nervous breakdown on Friday,

01:15:30.333 --> 01:15:36.200
and the only person I felt
like I could call was Petey,

01:15:36.266 --> 01:15:38.666
and I felt really bad
for thinking that,

01:15:38.733 --> 01:15:44.133
because, um, you know,
we\'re broken up

01:15:44.200 --> 01:15:46.266
and I feel
this is really unfair of me

01:15:46.333 --> 01:15:49.433
to reach out to him
when I need him.

01:15:49.500 --> 01:15:54.433
And I\'ve... it was just so...
I don\'t know.

01:15:54.500 --> 01:15:57.366
♪

01:16:00.400 --> 01:16:01.666
We have been through shit,

01:16:01.733 --> 01:16:03.900
we have been through hell,
actually.

01:16:03.966 --> 01:16:06.300
Like our first year as a couple

01:16:06.366 --> 01:16:09.533
is probably year number 10
for most people.

01:16:09.600 --> 01:16:11.866
I know that would not
go over well

01:16:11.933 --> 01:16:14.033
with most... anybody.

01:16:14.100 --> 01:16:16.166
My last girlfriend
was definitely that.

01:16:16.233 --> 01:16:17.353
I know that\'s... to be honest,

01:16:17.400 --> 01:16:18.500
I know that\'s why
she wanted out,

01:16:18.566 --> 01:16:20.466
\'cause she had said before,
she\'s like,

01:16:20.533 --> 01:16:23.166
\"I don\'t think
you\'re all mentally well.\"

01:16:23.233 --> 01:16:24.700
She told me that numerous times,

01:16:24.766 --> 01:16:27.966
and I\'d be like, \"Ah!

01:16:28.033 --> 01:16:29.800
Shut up.\"

01:16:29.866 --> 01:16:34.000
In the past, I\'ve always gone
from person to person.

01:16:34.066 --> 01:16:37.600
What numbs the pain
of everything?

01:16:37.666 --> 01:16:42.933
What makes you just all euphoric
and all intoxicating is...

01:16:43.000 --> 01:16:44.666
Sex.

01:16:44.733 --> 01:16:47.266
Having sex while you\'re manic
isn\'t having sex,

01:16:47.333 --> 01:16:50.633
it\'s having a conversation.

01:16:50.700 --> 01:16:52.366
Except instead of having
a conversation with your mouth,

01:16:52.433 --> 01:16:54.200
you\'re having a conversation
with your body.

01:16:54.266 --> 01:16:57.200
It doesn\'t have
to be pleasurable.

01:16:57.266 --> 01:16:58.866
It doesn\'t have to be good sex.

01:16:58.933 --> 01:17:00.633
It can be abusive.

01:17:00.700 --> 01:17:05.666
It can be, you know,
bordering on rape.

01:17:05.733 --> 01:17:07.666
And it\'s okay.

01:17:07.733 --> 01:17:10.766
I\'m not in my body
at that point.

01:17:10.833 --> 01:17:13.700
My body is just...
It\'s up and talking and walking

01:17:13.766 --> 01:17:18.500
and drinking and fucking
and I\'m not even there anymore,

01:17:18.566 --> 01:17:20.500
you know, it\'s somebody else.

01:17:20.566 --> 01:17:25.233
I wake up the next morning
filled with shame and disgust.

01:17:25.300 --> 01:17:27.133
I can feel it on me,

01:17:27.200 --> 01:17:29.633
and there\'s no amount
of showers I can take

01:17:29.700 --> 01:17:35.566
to get rid of what she did
the night before.

01:17:35.633 --> 01:17:43.633
♪

01:17:48.266 --> 01:17:49.366
I love having a garden.

01:17:49.433 --> 01:17:52.933
I love being able to come out
and pick my salad.

01:17:53.000 --> 01:17:56.233
♪

01:17:56.300 --> 01:17:57.766
I feel really good.

01:17:57.833 --> 01:18:01.633
I feel the best I\'ve felt
for the longest period of time

01:18:01.700 --> 01:18:04.366
in six and a half years.

01:18:04.433 --> 01:18:09.000
Acupuncture every week
and I take Chinese medicine,

01:18:09.066 --> 01:18:10.866
a nasty brown liquid.

01:18:10.933 --> 01:18:12.366
I take that three times a day.

01:18:12.433 --> 01:18:15.700
I go to yoga whenever I can,
sometimes I do yoga here.

01:18:15.766 --> 01:18:20.700
I am getting unbelievable
regular sleep.

01:18:22.933 --> 01:18:24.333
Petey.

01:18:24.400 --> 01:18:27.166
Petey and I are broken up.

01:18:27.233 --> 01:18:29.166
Petey\'s a great guy.

01:18:29.233 --> 01:18:31.966
But it was like dating a mirror.

01:18:32.033 --> 01:18:34.900
A lot of what annoyed me
about Petey

01:18:34.966 --> 01:18:38.766
were irritating qualities of me.

01:18:38.833 --> 01:18:43.266
You know what, I don\'t even go
for happy anymore.

01:18:43.333 --> 01:18:47.600
I\'m looking
to just not feel like this.

01:18:47.666 --> 01:18:54.666
♪

01:18:54.733 --> 01:18:57.800
Oh, I\'m shaking.

01:18:57.866 --> 01:19:02.800
Jesus, nobody wants to feel
like I feel right now.

01:19:02.866 --> 01:19:06.266
It is horrible.

01:19:06.333 --> 01:19:09.200
I don\'t have... I don\'t have words

01:19:09.266 --> 01:19:13.200
and I apparently never had words
to explain it,

01:19:13.266 --> 01:19:17.066
\'cause until you\'ve felt it,
you just don\'t get it.

01:19:17.133 --> 01:19:20.200
I\'m sorry,
that\'s just the way it is.

01:19:20.266 --> 01:19:22.100
You get to those points,
and you say,

01:19:22.166 --> 01:19:23.400
\"I can\'t do any more,
I can\'t do any more,\"

01:19:23.466 --> 01:19:24.733
and you\'re done, I\'m done.

01:19:24.800 --> 01:19:27.166
Believe me, I\'ve thought
about it a lot the last month.

01:19:27.233 --> 01:19:28.566
Like, okay, today\'s the day.

01:19:28.633 --> 01:19:30.166
I\'ve walked around
a number of times

01:19:30.233 --> 01:19:32.633
going, \"Tonight\'s the night.

01:19:32.700 --> 01:19:34.266
Just be done,
it\'ll be nice and quiet,

01:19:34.333 --> 01:19:36.066
and just be done with it.\"

01:19:36.133 --> 01:19:44.133
♪

01:19:45.200 --> 01:19:47.200
I\'m sorry, I can\'t even...

01:19:47.266 --> 01:19:49.766
That\'s all I got right now.

01:19:49.833 --> 01:19:51.766
♪

01:19:51.833 --> 01:19:53.300
That\'s all I got.

01:19:53.366 --> 01:20:01.366
♪

01:20:05.233 --> 01:20:08.433
I have been med-free for...

01:20:08.500 --> 01:20:10.033
I think it\'s coming up
on a year,

01:20:10.100 --> 01:20:13.300
and this is part
of my commitment

01:20:13.366 --> 01:20:16.866
to this lifestyle change
that\'s keeping me healthy.

01:20:16.933 --> 01:20:22.500
I\'m more stable and even keel
than I can remember.

01:20:22.566 --> 01:20:25.133
I mean, I was never like this
on medication.

01:20:25.200 --> 01:20:29.466
Yeah, I have bipolar illness.

01:20:29.533 --> 01:20:30.766
- Me too!
- Yeah?

01:20:30.833 --> 01:20:32.366
- Yeah.
- Yeah, all right.

01:20:32.433 --> 01:20:35.266
I\'m not manic,
I\'m not depressed,

01:20:35.333 --> 01:20:36.533
suicidally depressed, of course.

01:20:36.600 --> 01:20:40.300
Things get me sad, of course,
I can get excited about things,

01:20:40.366 --> 01:20:42.333
but I don\'t feel like a robot.

01:20:42.400 --> 01:20:44.466
There have definitely
been challenges, yeah,

01:20:44.533 --> 01:20:46.366
I mean, it was a gamble
and I\'m using myself

01:20:46.433 --> 01:20:47.733
as a human guinea pig,

01:20:47.800 --> 01:20:50.200
but it\'s paid off.

01:20:53.533 --> 01:20:55.133
Man, these floors
are in great shape!

01:20:55.200 --> 01:20:57.533
He\'s gonna be stoked!

01:20:57.600 --> 01:21:00.600
I would, these floors are better
than what\'s in my place.

01:21:00.666 --> 01:21:02.266
I know a lot of people
who aren\'t bipolar

01:21:02.300 --> 01:21:04.200
have done some really crappy,
awful things.

01:21:04.266 --> 01:21:07.233
It has nothing to do
with being bipolar.

01:21:07.300 --> 01:21:10.000
So, I fucking refuse
to relate to it.

01:21:10.066 --> 01:21:12.300
I refuse to let it
consume anything

01:21:12.366 --> 01:21:17.266
and dictate my actions,
I just do.

01:21:17.333 --> 01:21:19.566
I just think, at some point,
you\'re gonna use it

01:21:19.633 --> 01:21:23.566
as an excuse for everything,
and I think that\'s lame.

01:21:23.633 --> 01:21:25.500
I think it\'s lame.

01:21:25.566 --> 01:21:30.200
I\'m just gonna be blunt,
like, okay, when I met Cheri,

01:21:30.266 --> 01:21:36.300
she was on Lamictal
and lithium, you know?

01:21:36.366 --> 01:21:41.733
And then, at some point,
she\'s on nothing.

01:21:41.800 --> 01:21:44.733
And all her actions,
to her, are fine.

01:21:44.800 --> 01:21:46.320
Everything she says
and her perspective

01:21:46.366 --> 01:21:48.800
is just totally okay
and I must be the asshole.

01:21:48.866 --> 01:21:51.666
She can\'t allow... she\'s not
allowed to be anything...

01:21:51.733 --> 01:21:53.433
Like she would say, \"I\'m still
allowed to be pissed,\"

01:21:53.500 --> 01:21:54.700
and I\'m like,
\"Well, you can be pissed,

01:21:54.766 --> 01:21:57.433
I just don\'t know
what you\'re pissed about.\"

01:22:00.300 --> 01:22:02.866
I loved her very, very much.

01:22:02.933 --> 01:22:05.233
Very much.

01:22:05.300 --> 01:22:08.733
But it was easier
to love her from afar.

01:22:08.800 --> 01:22:11.200
I\'m not gonna sit around
and dwell on it all the time.

01:22:11.266 --> 01:22:14.866
I don\'t wanna go,
\"Oh, my God, it\'s in my DNA.

01:22:14.933 --> 01:22:16.666
Do you not know how I suffer?\"

01:22:16.733 --> 01:22:20.366
Like, whatever,
everybody suffers, man.

01:22:20.433 --> 01:22:23.400
Life sucks at some point
for everybody.

01:22:23.466 --> 01:22:25.233
Believe me, at some point,
I will be crying

01:22:25.300 --> 01:22:27.333
and complaining
in my fucking milk,

01:22:27.400 --> 01:22:30.533
and being like,
\"Oh, my God, I feel terrible.

01:22:30.600 --> 01:22:33.633
I\'m totally depressed,
life is total shit.\"

01:22:33.700 --> 01:22:35.533
It\'ll happen.

01:22:35.600 --> 01:22:38.666
It does happen
for a lot of people.

01:22:38.733 --> 01:22:41.066
But you\'re either gonna
get over it or you\'re not,

01:22:41.133 --> 01:22:42.133
you know what I mean?

01:22:42.166 --> 01:22:43.700
Cry me a river.

01:22:43.766 --> 01:22:47.666
And then build me a bridge
and get the fuck over it.

01:22:47.733 --> 01:22:48.833
I wish him well.

01:22:48.900 --> 01:22:52.400
I mean, I hope, at some point,
he... I don\'t know,

01:22:52.466 --> 01:22:54.333
maybe he\'s taking care
of himself now, I don\'t know.

01:22:54.400 --> 01:22:58.800
But, again,
I don\'t wish him ill, so...

01:22:58.866 --> 01:23:00.566
Just can\'t be with him.

01:23:00.633 --> 01:23:08.633
♪

01:23:10.400 --> 01:23:13.166
In terms of defining
bipolar disorder,

01:23:13.233 --> 01:23:15.433
I don\'t always want that
to be my identity,

01:23:15.500 --> 01:23:17.833
\'cause I\'m a lot
of other things, too.

01:23:17.900 --> 01:23:21.066
I\'m a journalist and...

01:23:21.133 --> 01:23:22.933
what other things?

01:23:23.000 --> 01:23:24.700
♪

01:23:24.766 --> 01:23:26.933
Bipolar is a disease.

01:23:27.000 --> 01:23:29.900
I am not bipolar
in the sense of...

01:23:29.966 --> 01:23:33.466
You wouldn\'t say, \"I am cancer.\"

01:23:33.533 --> 01:23:37.833
What you have,
whether it\'s cancer or diabetes

01:23:37.900 --> 01:23:41.066
or bipolar disorder isn\'t you.

01:23:41.133 --> 01:23:44.333
It doesn\'t make up
the sum total of you.

01:23:44.400 --> 01:23:47.933
♪

01:23:48.000 --> 01:23:50.600
Today\'s my birthday!

01:23:50.666 --> 01:23:52.833
I\'m 67 years old today,

01:23:52.900 --> 01:23:58.333
and every year, I go down
and jump in the ocean.

01:23:58.400 --> 01:24:01.466
So the big polar bear
goes down into the water

01:24:01.533 --> 01:24:03.833
and flaps around for a while

01:24:03.900 --> 01:24:06.366
and does his ceremonial dip.

01:24:06.433 --> 01:24:09.566
♪

01:24:09.633 --> 01:24:10.433
I would not be possible,

01:24:10.500 --> 01:24:12.500
this dinner would not
be possible.

01:24:12.566 --> 01:24:14.133
My life wouldn\'t be possible.

01:24:14.200 --> 01:24:16.166
You guys are my everything.

01:24:16.233 --> 01:24:18.000
- Love you, guys.
- We love you, too, Cheri.

01:24:18.066 --> 01:24:20.200
(glasses clinking)

01:24:20.266 --> 01:24:22.900
(indistinct remarks)

01:24:22.966 --> 01:24:25.400
If I could take it away,
I wouldn\'t,

01:24:25.466 --> 01:24:27.566
because I\'ve seen things
that no one else has seen.

01:24:27.633 --> 01:24:29.800
I\'ve seen things in a way
that no one\'s seen.

01:24:29.866 --> 01:24:32.433
When I\'m manic, the sky is bluer

01:24:32.500 --> 01:24:34.833
than it could ever possibly be.

01:24:34.900 --> 01:24:42.900
♪

01:24:45.100 --> 01:24:48.066
I want to be well.

01:24:48.133 --> 01:24:51.133
I have no interest
in the Baroque,

01:24:51.200 --> 01:24:54.600
flowery aspects of pain
and madness.

01:24:54.666 --> 01:24:55.666
I just don\'t buy it.

01:24:55.733 --> 01:24:58.300
I just... it\'s an illness
and I wanna be well.

01:24:58.366 --> 01:25:01.366
So I\'ll take a cure
if you have one.

01:25:01.433 --> 01:25:09.433
♪

01:25:15.766 --> 01:25:18.033
(waves crashing)

01:25:18.100 --> 01:25:23.166
♪

01:25:23.233 --> 01:25:25.633
I\'m feeling young.

01:25:25.700 --> 01:25:27.866
I\'m not feeling 67.

01:25:27.933 --> 01:25:29.900
♪

01:25:29.966 --> 01:25:33.600
I don\'t think I look 67 either.

01:25:33.666 --> 01:25:35.533
Maybe I do, who knows.

01:25:35.600 --> 01:25:43.600
♪

01:25:48.733 --> 01:25:51.000
It\'s the biggest piece
I\'ve done, essentially.

01:25:51.066 --> 01:25:53.800
It\'s seven-and-a-half feet tall.

01:25:53.866 --> 01:25:55.133
♪

01:25:55.200 --> 01:25:57.500
It\'s receipts,
it\'s therapy receipts.

01:25:57.566 --> 01:26:02.066
1,500 razor blades on there,
1,500.

01:26:02.133 --> 01:26:03.133
I had to do it, though.

01:26:03.200 --> 01:26:05.400
I had the idea,
so I made it happen.

01:26:05.466 --> 01:26:13.466
♪

01:26:14.433 --> 01:26:16.533
We\'re your mother,
we\'re your sister,

01:26:16.600 --> 01:26:19.433
we\'re your brother,
we\'re friends,

01:26:19.500 --> 01:26:21.566
we\'re your neighbors
and we\'re out there,

01:26:21.633 --> 01:26:24.100
and we wanna be respected
for who we are

01:26:24.166 --> 01:26:27.766
and we don\'t wanna be
in the closet.

01:26:27.833 --> 01:26:30.500
It\'s gonna take community
and support

01:26:30.566 --> 01:26:32.666
and empowerment
and help and skill

01:26:32.733 --> 01:26:36.066
and all of these other things
that we know help people

01:26:36.133 --> 01:26:37.966
that really applies
to humanity in general.

01:26:38.033 --> 01:26:39.733
So there\'s hope, humans.

01:26:39.800 --> 01:26:44.100
Even though you\'re all mad
all the time, guess what?

01:26:44.166 --> 01:26:45.733
There\'s hope!

01:26:45.800 --> 01:26:48.766
(laughing)

01:26:52.700 --> 01:26:54.533
Now that was manic.

01:26:54.600 --> 01:27:02.600
♪

01:28:00.400 --> 01:28:03.600
♪ There\'s a room in his pallet ♪

01:28:03.666 --> 01:28:08.266
♪ There\'s a pillow
for his head ♪

01:28:08.333 --> 01:28:11.966
♪ Sees an offshoot
in his bottle ♪

01:28:12.033 --> 01:28:16.566
♪ When he wants to see me dead ♪

01:28:16.633 --> 01:28:19.766
♪ Heirlooms ♪

01:28:19.833 --> 01:28:21.466
♪ A loon ♪

01:28:21.533 --> 01:28:24.600
♪

01:28:24.666 --> 01:28:27.500
♪ Heirlooms ♪

01:28:27.566 --> 01:28:29.433
♪ A loon ♪

01:28:29.500 --> 01:28:37.500
♪

01:28:46.333 --> 01:28:51.400
♪ Never thought I\'d see
that silly grin ♪

01:28:51.466 --> 01:28:52.900
♪

01:28:52.966 --> 01:28:57.966
♪ Never thought
I\'d see that fool again ♪

01:28:58.033 --> 01:28:59.633
♪

01:28:59.700 --> 01:29:04.733
♪ Never thought
I\'d like that lunatic ♪

01:29:04.800 --> 01:29:12.800
♪

01:29:13.500 --> 01:29:17.000
♪ Nothing left to dance around ♪

01:29:17.066 --> 01:29:19.366
♪ What a hero ♪

01:29:19.433 --> 01:29:21.066
♪

01:29:21.133 --> 01:29:25.133
♪ What a black and blue bird ♪

01:29:25.200 --> 01:29:29.033
♪ What a loon ♪

01:29:29.100 --> 01:29:30.866
♪ A loon ♪

01:29:30.933 --> 01:29:32.900
♪

01:29:32.966 --> 01:29:36.800
♪ What a loon ♪

01:29:36.866 --> 01:29:38.633
♪ A loon ♪♪

01:29:38.700 --> 01:29:46.700
♪