Smile4Kime
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
SMILE4KIME is an experimental documentary that explores the friendship between two women: Kime–a vibrant, unapologetic Black woman who lived with mental illness, and Elena–an Afro Puerto Rican woman and devoted friend coping with grief in the wake of Kime’s death. This story begins as a conversation between Kime and Elena unfolding across time and space. They ask each other about who they are, what they need, and what their future holds. As Kime’s mental health begins to spiral, the film urgently weaves together the past, present, and future in search of answers. Elena’s spiritual practice is a key element in the film, serving as the mechanism that transports Elena (and the viewer) through time and spiritual worlds. Rendered through animation, her altar operates as a portal between the present, the past, and unrealized futures. As we journey to the past, bright, warm, handheld footage depicts Kime and Elena early in their friendship. Here, Kime offers critical insight about her experiences as a Black woman with mental illness navigating the harmful institutions that were meant to support her. In the present, Elena exists in a quiet shadow space. She moves through grief after Kime’s passing, processing guilt and reflecting on the memories of her inability to support Kime when their friendship was “too much.” From this shadow space, a future emerges, rendered through animation and tied to Elena’s altar, a future where they continue to hold and make space for each other.
Citation
Main credits
Guzman, Elena (film director)
Guzman, Elena (film producer)
Guzman, Elena (screenwriter)
Bloss, Cybee (film producer)
Edwards, Kimberly (screenwriter)
Menchaca Ruiz, Laura (screenwriter)
Other credits
Cinematography, Elena Guzman; editor, Laura Menchaca Ruiz; music, Sabrina Pantal.
Distributor subjects
Mental Health & Suicide; Grief; Black Women's Friendship & Experiences; Spirituality & HealingKeywords
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[ambient tones]
00:00:04.853 --> 00:00:09.524
[drums beating]
00:00:14.112 --> 00:00:17.115
[water trickles]
00:00:19.784 --> 00:00:22.287
[scissors cutting]
00:00:22.329 --> 00:00:24.789
[low tones join beat]
00:00:32.756 --> 00:00:35.759
[metal clacking]
00:00:39.554 --> 00:00:42.015
[gas clicking]
00:00:44.017 --> 00:00:48.021
[soft piano music]
00:01:32.607 --> 00:01:34.109
[Kime]: Was there ever a time
00:01:34.150 --> 00:01:36.319
when you just felt
like it was too much?
00:01:39.114 --> 00:01:41.408
- Too much in terms of?
00:01:41.408 --> 00:01:44.369
[Kime]: Like with everything
that I was dealing with,
00:01:44.411 --> 00:01:50.792
and just the idea that I could
possibly not be here anymore.
00:01:50.834 --> 00:01:53.503
Was there ever a time when
you just wanted to give up
00:01:53.545 --> 00:01:56.005
or you felt like
it was just too much?
00:01:58.007 --> 00:02:01.261
[high humming tones]
00:02:16.693 --> 00:02:19.195
[bell chimes]
00:02:36.129 --> 00:02:39.424
[Opening instrumentals of
"The Man" by Aloe Blacc]
00:02:44.846 --> 00:02:48.099
- Aw, Kim, you look so pretty!
00:02:49.142 --> 00:02:50.769
I have to tell myself that.
00:02:50.810 --> 00:02:52.479
Until I believe it.
00:02:52.520 --> 00:02:55.315
Okay.
[singing along]
00:02:55.356 --> 00:02:57.066
And that's how
you burn yourself.
00:02:57.108 --> 00:03:00.820
I've only done it
a couple times. [laughs]
00:03:03.239 --> 00:03:06.242
I was singing one day and
I was like, I was like, "oh shi"
00:03:06.284 --> 00:03:07.243
And then I dropped it.
00:03:07.285 --> 00:03:08.995
'Cause I dropped it,
I burned my arm too.
00:03:08.995 --> 00:03:10.246
Like, oh fuck.
00:03:10.288 --> 00:03:12.791
♪ Paid for every heart
that I ever stole ♪
00:03:12.832 --> 00:03:15.293
♪ I played my cards
and I didn't fold ♪
00:03:15.335 --> 00:03:18.546
♪ Well it ain't that
hard when you got soul ♪
00:03:18.588 --> 00:03:20.799
♪ This is my world
[Kime sings along]
00:03:20.840 --> 00:03:23.510
♪ Somewhere I heard
that life is a test ♪
00:03:23.551 --> 00:03:24.803
♪ I been through the worst
Okay.
00:03:24.844 --> 00:03:26.095
♪ but I still give my best
Now I just need lip gloss.
00:03:27.347 --> 00:03:29.516
My lip gloss is popping,
my lip gloss is cool.
00:03:29.557 --> 00:03:30.892
What color?
00:03:32.393 --> 00:03:34.896
♪ This is my world
00:03:34.938 --> 00:03:37.524
[music continues]
00:03:42.320 --> 00:03:45.824
And this piece of art, it looks
like it's here to remind me,
00:03:45.865 --> 00:03:48.535
some good things, but it's
really just to wipe off
00:03:48.576 --> 00:03:50.829
the extra lipstick. [laughs]
00:04:01.631 --> 00:04:05.134
[match hisses]
[contemplative choral music]
00:04:20.900 --> 00:04:26.114
[Elena whispering in Spanish]
00:04:43.256 --> 00:04:47.969
[Kime]: I think when
I first moved into the house,
00:04:48.011 --> 00:04:51.472
I feel like you and I really,
we didn't really click.
00:04:51.514 --> 00:04:52.724
I don't know if we didn't click
00:04:52.765 --> 00:04:58.229
or we just didn't know how
to interact with one another.
00:04:58.271 --> 00:05:03.735
So I can't really remember,
like, when our relationship
00:05:03.776 --> 00:05:07.113
started to become
more of a friendship.
00:05:08.364 --> 00:05:11.367
[Elena]: I think it was
after Natalie moved out,
00:05:11.409 --> 00:05:15.288
um, and you and Natalie
were like really close.
00:05:15.288 --> 00:05:18.041
And then, you know,
at the end you guys
00:05:18.082 --> 00:05:21.044
kind of had this falling out.
00:05:21.085 --> 00:05:22.295
[Kime]: Yeah.
00:05:22.295 --> 00:05:27.508
[Elena]: And at that
moment I was like,
00:05:27.550 --> 00:05:29.552
I had realized that like...
00:05:32.055 --> 00:05:35.308
it wasn't fair that
people could come in
00:05:35.308 --> 00:05:39.020
and out of your life to the
extent that they wanted to
00:05:39.062 --> 00:05:41.731
or interact with you only
in a kind of distant way
00:05:41.773 --> 00:05:44.233
or whenever it was more
convenient to them.
00:05:44.275 --> 00:05:47.487
And so I think at that
moment I had made a decision
00:05:47.528 --> 00:05:50.490
that like, I wanted you
to be in my life,
00:05:50.490 --> 00:05:51.491
because I appreciated
00:05:51.491 --> 00:05:53.743
everything that you
brought to my life,
00:05:53.785 --> 00:05:55.495
and I was gonna do it in a way
00:05:55.495 --> 00:05:58.247
that wasn't like
half in, half out.
00:05:58.289 --> 00:06:01.793
It was gonna be like
all, you know, all in.
00:06:03.294 --> 00:06:07.632
I think people have these
really ableist understandings
00:06:07.674 --> 00:06:09.926
of friendships,
and basically what that is
00:06:09.968 --> 00:06:12.679
is like we have these ideals
00:06:12.679 --> 00:06:14.681
of what a normal
friendship looks like.
00:06:14.681 --> 00:06:16.683
Like I go out to
the mall with my friend,
00:06:16.683 --> 00:06:19.686
I eat with my friend, these
are the things we do together,
00:06:19.686 --> 00:06:21.396
and this is how we
build a friendship.
00:06:21.437 --> 00:06:23.189
And I realized that like
a lot of those things
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I couldn't do with you.
00:06:24.941 --> 00:06:26.401
And so I thought to myself,
00:06:26.442 --> 00:06:29.904
okay, how do
I build a friendship
00:06:29.946 --> 00:06:33.366
and like a meaningful
connection with you
00:06:33.366 --> 00:06:36.077
in a way that I wasn't used to.
00:06:36.119 --> 00:06:38.663
And so I think it was in
this moment that I was like,
00:06:38.705 --> 00:06:42.625
okay I'm going to
be explicit about like,
00:06:42.667 --> 00:06:46.004
her being in my life and then
me being in her life as well.
00:06:52.552 --> 00:06:54.053
[Kime]: Was there ever a time
00:06:54.053 --> 00:06:56.389
when you just felt
like it was too much?
00:07:00.143 --> 00:07:03.896
[whispering in Spanish softly]
00:07:15.241 --> 00:07:17.744
["I'm OK" by Christina Aguilera]
00:07:17.744 --> 00:07:20.747
[heels clicking on floor]
00:07:28.671 --> 00:07:35.720
♪ Once upon a time
there was a girl ♪
00:07:37.430 --> 00:07:44.437
♪ In her early years
she had to learn ♪
00:07:46.814 --> 00:07:49.567
- So I knew in December
that I was a month away
00:07:49.609 --> 00:07:52.278
from being a quarter
of a century,
00:07:52.320 --> 00:07:56.282
and having gotten nothing done
in my life that I wanted to.
00:07:56.324 --> 00:08:01.454
And I always feel like
I'll feel better if,
00:08:01.454 --> 00:08:03.873
but all those ifs
are so far away.
00:08:03.915 --> 00:08:07.835
Like if I have my two year
degree, if I have a husband,
00:08:07.877 --> 00:08:11.130
if I have kids or
something like that.
00:08:11.130 --> 00:08:14.634
And I just don't know
what it feels like
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to be happy for long
enough to accomplish
00:08:18.137 --> 00:08:20.139
any of those things.
00:08:20.139 --> 00:08:26.020
And I didn't wanna be 25,
I didn't wanna see 25,
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because I knew I couldn't
do anything by 25.
00:08:29.315 --> 00:08:35.780
So I figured if
I couldn't, you know,
00:08:35.822 --> 00:08:41.285
give anything to the world
or make anybody proud
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or feel good about myself
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then there was no reason
for my existence.
00:08:46.833 --> 00:08:48.501
I felt like I should die,
00:08:48.501 --> 00:08:52.505
and I mean, whatever
energy I had when I woke up
00:08:52.505 --> 00:08:57.093
was spent figuring out how
I was gonna kill myself.
00:09:00.388 --> 00:09:04.684
♪ I'm okay
00:09:12.316 --> 00:09:14.944
[duo laughing]
00:09:14.986 --> 00:09:17.196
There you go.
00:09:17.196 --> 00:09:20.491
[Elena] Okay, so you're gonna
go behind the camera.
00:09:20.533 --> 00:09:21.701
Here you go.
[Kime]: Okay.
00:09:21.701 --> 00:09:24.328
[Elena]: So you can
hear the sound.
00:09:24.370 --> 00:09:26.038
I think
I'll be less loud.
00:09:26.038 --> 00:09:28.040
So I think I should be-
00:09:28.040 --> 00:09:29.250
[Kime]: Are you trying
to say I'm loud?
00:09:29.292 --> 00:09:30.877
[laughter]
- Exactly.
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That's exactly what I'm saying.
00:09:33.212 --> 00:09:34.547
How is the framing?
00:09:34.589 --> 00:09:36.048
[Kime]: Oh, it's good.
00:09:36.090 --> 00:09:37.133
- Okay.
00:09:37.175 --> 00:09:39.886
[audio fuzzes]
00:09:44.223 --> 00:09:48.144
[Elena] Read this when you doubt
life is worth living.
00:09:48.186 --> 00:09:50.646
Dear wondrous child of God
00:09:50.688 --> 00:09:54.025
and all your beautiful
manifestations,
00:09:54.066 --> 00:09:56.903
this morning I was
granted a divine vision
00:09:56.944 --> 00:09:58.404
that you are meant
to be on this earth
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for so many more years to come.
00:10:00.907 --> 00:10:04.243
Every time I make the
decision to stop you
00:10:04.243 --> 00:10:05.995
or call the ambulance,
00:10:06.037 --> 00:10:09.498
I always struggle with this
bout of guilt afterwards.
00:10:09.540 --> 00:10:12.293
Should I have
called or stopped you?
00:10:12.335 --> 00:10:15.671
The night on the stairs,
you were in so much pain.
00:10:15.713 --> 00:10:19.175
Who was I to tell you to keep
living with this deep pain?
00:10:19.217 --> 00:10:22.428
Was it selfish of me to
want to keep you living
00:10:22.470 --> 00:10:25.181
even though you didn't want to?
00:10:25.223 --> 00:10:27.725
Beautiful brown girl,
rise your head high
00:10:27.767 --> 00:10:30.228
knowing you are from
a line of ancestors
00:10:30.269 --> 00:10:33.272
who survived the
harshest of conditions,
00:10:33.272 --> 00:10:35.524
that their pain
lives on through you.
00:10:35.566 --> 00:10:37.777
But just as their
pain lives through you,
00:10:37.777 --> 00:10:40.529
so does their
survival and resilience.
00:10:40.571 --> 00:10:42.531
Your life is just beginning.
00:10:42.573 --> 00:10:45.785
Know that every part of
you is a gift from God.
00:10:45.785 --> 00:10:48.955
You're divine in
every sense of the word.
00:10:48.996 --> 00:10:51.958
Love always, Elena.
00:10:51.999 --> 00:10:55.753
August 13th, 2017.
[Kim giggles]
00:11:01.092 --> 00:11:04.011
[slow string music]
00:11:13.980 --> 00:11:17.650
- Kime,
00:11:17.650 --> 00:11:22.363
the night after I found out
that you passed away,
00:11:22.405 --> 00:11:24.073
I dream about you.
00:11:26.659 --> 00:11:29.954
I walk up a spiral staircase
00:11:29.996 --> 00:11:34.500
and I can see all
the way to the bottom.
00:11:34.500 --> 00:11:38.004
I ascend until I find your door.
00:11:38.004 --> 00:11:41.007
[inquisitive instrumentals]
00:11:46.804 --> 00:11:50.683
I open the door and see you
laying there in a casket.
00:11:54.395 --> 00:11:57.648
A young girl stands over
your casket and asks,
00:11:59.650 --> 00:12:01.944
"Can I give her
honeymoon kisses?
00:12:01.986 --> 00:12:03.529
Just like in the movies?"
00:12:13.706 --> 00:12:18.127
As I talk to you, your body
slowly starts to levitate.
00:12:18.169 --> 00:12:21.464
You want to get up and
fly away, but you can't.
00:12:22.965 --> 00:12:26.844
Up and down, up and down.
00:12:29.221 --> 00:12:30.723
You fought.
00:12:30.723 --> 00:12:36.103
You keep rising, but you
just couldn't get up.
00:12:37.480 --> 00:12:40.232
Life wouldn't let you get up.
00:12:42.485 --> 00:12:46.906
So let's just be here together
before the moment dissipates.
00:12:53.371 --> 00:12:57.333
Before your smile slowly
starts to fade away.
00:12:57.375 --> 00:12:59.835
[audio fuzzes]
00:13:07.301 --> 00:13:10.679
Hello, Kime, are you there?
00:13:12.932 --> 00:13:14.683
Can you talk?
00:13:14.725 --> 00:13:17.686
[audio fuzzes]
00:13:28.572 --> 00:13:31.575
[objects rustling]
00:13:35.579 --> 00:13:38.165
- I don't know how I
feel about this actually.
00:13:43.337 --> 00:13:44.880
[off camera]: What's going on?
00:13:52.721 --> 00:13:59.478
- Like, tear it apart, or like
carefully open it, you know?
00:13:59.520 --> 00:14:01.147
Like, I don't know.
00:14:01.188 --> 00:14:04.775
I just feel like I shouldn't
be making these decisions.
00:14:04.817 --> 00:14:06.444
[off camera]: Let me
get a pair of scissors.
00:14:14.785 --> 00:14:18.539
[Kime] I feel like they might
not really, you know,
00:14:18.581 --> 00:14:22.626
they're not used to dealing
with African American people
00:14:22.668 --> 00:14:23.919
with mental health issues.
00:14:23.961 --> 00:14:28.507
They, you know, I think they
deal more with white people
00:14:28.549 --> 00:14:31.302
who have those kinds of issues.
00:14:31.302 --> 00:14:37.308
So my outbursts or, you know,
00:14:37.308 --> 00:14:41.645
whenever I get angry or
hostile due to, you know,
00:14:41.645 --> 00:14:46.442
like a panic attack or a
suicide attempt or something,
00:14:46.484 --> 00:14:50.279
they just think that it's
like another Black person,
00:14:50.321 --> 00:14:51.989
you know, misbehaving.
00:14:52.031 --> 00:14:56.577
And I feel like
they almost feel like
00:14:56.619 --> 00:15:04.418
they have to fight me more
or be more, like, aggressive
00:15:04.460 --> 00:15:07.421
as opposed to trying
to be supportive
00:15:07.463 --> 00:15:11.675
and empathetic, I guess.
00:15:11.717 --> 00:15:14.220
But I'm really not like
an aggressive person.
00:15:14.261 --> 00:15:17.723
I just, if they were
to come in and treat me
00:15:17.765 --> 00:15:25.189
with, like, respect and instead
of getting angry at me,
00:15:25.231 --> 00:15:28.692
I think I would probably
not freak out as much.
00:15:30.444 --> 00:15:37.159
I had an incident where it was
right after I had been raped
00:15:37.201 --> 00:15:41.830
and they thought I had tried
to kill myself, but I didn't.
00:15:41.872 --> 00:15:44.667
I had changed my mind.
00:15:44.708 --> 00:15:49.672
And I just saw a whole
bunch of male officers
00:15:49.713 --> 00:15:51.465
and I asked them
not to touch me.
00:15:51.507 --> 00:15:54.218
I asked them to
get out of my room,
00:15:54.218 --> 00:15:59.139
and I was completely fine
with the female officer,
00:15:59.181 --> 00:16:02.393
but as soon as they entered my
room and they wouldn't leave,
00:16:02.434 --> 00:16:05.187
I just freaked out.
00:16:05.229 --> 00:16:08.107
And it was like
I had two male officers
00:16:08.148 --> 00:16:12.361
like throw me on the bed
and handcuff my hands,
00:16:12.403 --> 00:16:14.697
and that of course
freaked me out even more,
00:16:14.738 --> 00:16:18.409
so then I started kicking and
just like thrashing around
00:16:18.450 --> 00:16:21.912
which made it hard for
them to get control of me.
00:16:21.912 --> 00:16:24.957
And so they had me held
down on the same bed
00:16:24.999 --> 00:16:26.709
that I had been raped on.
00:16:26.750 --> 00:16:30.713
So it was just like, I mean,
00:16:30.754 --> 00:16:33.966
I couldn't really think
of any other way to react
00:16:34.008 --> 00:16:38.387
but to keep fighting them.
00:16:38.429 --> 00:16:39.430
So yeah.
00:16:40.681 --> 00:16:43.684
[bag crinkles]
00:16:49.398 --> 00:16:50.524
[Kime] What were you wearing?
00:16:50.566 --> 00:16:51.609
Did you say no?
00:16:51.650 --> 00:16:53.110
Were you drunk?
00:16:53.152 --> 00:16:55.195
We must take your
clothes for evidence.
00:16:55.237 --> 00:16:58.115
Without actually saying it,
they aren't convinced,
00:16:58.115 --> 00:17:00.826
yet they say it's not your fault
00:17:00.868 --> 00:17:04.246
The best we can do without
DNA is to take a statement,
00:17:04.288 --> 00:17:07.958
a controlled phone call,
in hopes he gives himself away.
00:17:08.000 --> 00:17:11.253
But when he refuses, because
the system makes no attempt
00:17:11.295 --> 00:17:13.756
at keeping their
tactics under the radar,
00:17:13.797 --> 00:17:16.759
he makes you sound like
the assailant by saying,
00:17:16.800 --> 00:17:19.511
"Stop acting like
this is not your fault.
00:17:19.553 --> 00:17:20.971
You wanted it.
00:17:21.013 --> 00:17:22.973
I'm not saying, hun,
that it wasn't rape,
00:17:23.015 --> 00:17:24.975
but there is nothing we can do.
00:17:25.017 --> 00:17:26.769
I hope you find some healing."
00:17:30.773 --> 00:17:33.984
[contemplative choral music]
00:18:22.616 --> 00:18:26.578
I get frustrated for
myself and other people,
00:18:26.620 --> 00:18:29.832
because I feel like
everybody's trying to fix me
00:18:29.873 --> 00:18:32.459
and I'm unfixable.
00:18:32.501 --> 00:18:35.003
It ends up becoming more
about them than it is you,
00:18:35.045 --> 00:18:37.005
because they wanna be the hero.
00:18:37.047 --> 00:18:40.008
And if you die, then
they're gonna feel guilty.
00:18:40.050 --> 00:18:44.054
And my depression is not about
anybody else, it's about me.
00:18:44.054 --> 00:18:48.809
And I would rather, instead
of trying to save me,
00:18:48.851 --> 00:18:53.397
perhaps try to, I don't know,
understand, or at least listen.
00:18:53.397 --> 00:18:56.608
Like sometimes all I need
to do is talk about it.
00:18:56.650 --> 00:18:58.402
Instead of sending
me to the hospital
00:18:58.402 --> 00:19:00.112
or trying to save me
or something,
00:19:00.154 --> 00:19:01.613
I wanna be able to
just get it out
00:19:01.655 --> 00:19:04.116
so that thought isn't
just in my head.
00:19:04.158 --> 00:19:07.369
I'm like stuck with
this, like, load.
00:19:07.411 --> 00:19:10.122
I'd rather share it
with somebody else.
00:19:10.164 --> 00:19:11.665
I don't actually
want them to save me.
00:19:11.707 --> 00:19:13.417
I just want them to listen.
00:19:20.591 --> 00:19:22.676
[instrumentals build tension]
00:19:22.718 --> 00:19:24.970
[Elena]: I remember the time
that you came to my house
00:19:25.012 --> 00:19:27.055
with blood dripping
down your arms.
00:19:27.097 --> 00:19:30.267
I was so angry and
thought to myself,
00:19:30.309 --> 00:19:32.060
"How can I make sure
that the blood dripping
00:19:32.102 --> 00:19:36.064
down your arms doesn't
stain my carpet?"
00:19:36.106 --> 00:19:39.568
I thought you did this to
spite me for moving away.
00:19:39.610 --> 00:19:41.779
In that moment,
all I felt was anger
00:19:41.820 --> 00:19:44.531
and frustration towards you.
00:19:44.573 --> 00:19:47.534
I'm ashamed to
admit these things.
00:19:47.576 --> 00:19:50.287
How I was more concerned
about the stain,
00:19:50.329 --> 00:19:54.333
as opposed to why the blood
was dripping down your arm.
00:19:54.374 --> 00:19:57.586
These are the things
I never told you though.
00:19:57.628 --> 00:20:02.090
I never shared with you how
it felt like it was too much.
00:20:02.132 --> 00:20:04.843
It was too much.
00:20:04.885 --> 00:20:07.471
How I would purposely go
months not talking to you,
00:20:07.513 --> 00:20:09.723
because I was scared I
wouldn't be able to show up
00:20:09.765 --> 00:20:12.810
for you in the way
that you needed.
00:20:12.810 --> 00:20:15.521
I was dealing with
my own depression.
00:20:15.562 --> 00:20:18.440
I was scared that you would
ask me not to call the cops
00:20:18.482 --> 00:20:21.735
and then you'd end up
dead the next day.
00:20:21.777 --> 00:20:23.779
I was scared that
I couldn't save you,
00:20:23.821 --> 00:20:26.782
and sometimes it was too
hard for me to face the fact
00:20:26.824 --> 00:20:29.243
that I wasn't supposed
to save you
00:20:29.284 --> 00:20:31.995
and that I couldn't save you.
00:20:31.995 --> 00:20:34.873
But in the end,
I always tried.
00:20:36.124 --> 00:20:37.876
And when you weren't here,
00:20:37.918 --> 00:20:40.838
I blamed myself
for not saving you.
00:20:40.879 --> 00:20:42.631
I thought had I just answered
00:20:42.673 --> 00:20:45.717
that one phone call that night,
00:20:45.759 --> 00:20:50.389
maybe, just maybe, I could
have been there for you.
00:20:52.891 --> 00:20:55.644
But I wasn't. [sighing]
00:20:55.686 --> 00:20:57.896
I didn't answer that phone call.
00:20:57.938 --> 00:21:00.858
[fuzzing audio builds]
00:21:00.899 --> 00:21:11.952
[phone rings]
00:21:11.994 --> 00:21:13.871
Hello?
00:21:13.871 --> 00:21:16.707
Kime, are you there?
00:21:18.709 --> 00:21:19.501
Can you talk?
00:21:26.174 --> 00:21:29.887
[contemplative choral music]
00:21:31.179 --> 00:21:32.639
[Kime]: Was there ever a time
00:21:32.681 --> 00:21:35.183
when you just felt
like it was too much?
00:21:38.186 --> 00:21:39.897
[Elena]: Too much in terms of?
00:21:39.938 --> 00:21:43.150
[Kime]: Like, with everything
that I was dealing with
00:21:43.191 --> 00:21:50.866
and just the idea that I could
possibly not be here anymore,
00:21:50.908 --> 00:21:54.202
and like, what that would mean
and how different that would be
00:21:54.244 --> 00:21:55.913
for you in your life and stuff.
00:21:55.954 --> 00:21:58.332
Was there ever a time when
you just wanted to give up
00:21:58.373 --> 00:22:00.584
or you felt like
it was just too much?
00:22:04.379 --> 00:22:05.422
[Elena]: There were moments wher
00:22:05.422 --> 00:22:07.174
I mean, there have been moments
00:22:07.215 --> 00:22:11.094
where it's been
really difficult because...
00:22:11.136 --> 00:22:14.097
You know, I love you as a person
00:22:14.139 --> 00:22:19.269
and I love you as a friend and
you're someone that I wanna,
00:22:19.311 --> 00:22:21.647
you contribute so
much to this world,
00:22:21.688 --> 00:22:25.651
and you are like such a
light in so many ways.
00:22:25.692 --> 00:22:27.986
And it's always hard when
you don't see yourself
00:22:28.028 --> 00:22:29.738
in those ways.
00:22:29.780 --> 00:22:33.575
And I wanna see you keep
living and thriving.
00:22:37.537 --> 00:22:40.499
I wanna respect your
autonomy as a person
00:22:40.540 --> 00:22:43.251
to decide whether or
not you want to live,
00:22:43.293 --> 00:22:45.253
'cause who am I to say,
"No, you should keep living
00:22:45.295 --> 00:22:46.588
because I think you
should keep living."
00:22:46.630 --> 00:22:49.633
Like, it's not my
life to live, you know?
00:22:49.633 --> 00:22:52.386
But I still, I wanna be
selfish a little bit
00:22:52.427 --> 00:22:54.137
and I do wanna see
you keep living
00:22:54.137 --> 00:22:56.390
and I wanna be able to like,
00:22:56.431 --> 00:22:59.935
when I do 10 years
from now, have my kids,
00:22:59.977 --> 00:23:01.478
you know I want
them to be like,
00:23:01.478 --> 00:23:04.481
"Oh, Auntie Kim is here!"
you know?
00:23:04.481 --> 00:23:08.986
Like, I want to see
you in my future.
00:23:09.027 --> 00:23:11.488
I want to be able to say like,
00:23:11.530 --> 00:23:14.741
"I know 10 years from now,
no matter where I'm at,
00:23:14.783 --> 00:23:17.494
like, Kim is going to
be a part of my life."
00:23:23.208 --> 00:23:26.169
[sentimental instrumentals]
00:23:31.174 --> 00:23:34.886
[Elena whispering in Spanish]
00:24:08.045 --> 00:24:11.590
[water splashing]
00:24:11.631 --> 00:24:14.551
[baby crying]
00:24:14.593 --> 00:24:17.554
[sentimental instrumentals cont]
00:24:45.665 --> 00:24:47.918
[chiming tones]
00:24:57.594 --> 00:25:00.055
[sentimental instrumentals cont]
00:25:30.544 --> 00:25:33.797
[ambient tones]
