Silent Beauty
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
When director Jasmin Mara López sees a photo of her niece with her grandfather, she is flooded by painful memories of her own childhood sexual abuse at his hands—and the following 24 years of her silence. In this cinematically striking and poetic documentary, López bravely films her story as a willful act to accept difficult truths while finding beauty in the process of healing. As she defies the cultural silence that pervades her family and confronts her abusive grandfather, who is a Baptist minister, a world of generational abuse unfolds, and she quickly discovers she is not alone. Through archival family footage and intimate moments with her family, López has created a film about confronting painful truths and the beauty one can feel when they reach the other side of grief.
Le Petit Septième
"...une œuvre tout aussi déchirante que magnifique"
"a work that is as heartbreaking as it is magnificent..."
The Extra Mile
"It can serve as a vehicle to educate and inform and inspire others to come forward and break their silence and promote their healing and recovery. The documentary is deserving of your attention. Don't miss it."
La Estatuilla
"Silent Beauty" es una película que cumple con la belleza prometida por su título: un trabajo en el cual la voz de Jasmín nos guía en un viaje de sanación y catarsis a través de una experiencia de la que poco se habla pero que muchas padecen."
The moveable fest
"López and cinematographer Bron Moyi quite literally create the space within frames so that any isolation that anyone feels speaking about abuse comes across in what they can't bring themselves to say just yet and still you can sense the trust in the room from simply being able to talk to one another."
But Why Tho Podcast
"López superbly balances the tone of the film. Despite the harrowing theme and the upsetting revelations awaiting you at every corner, its execution is calm and poetic. Every conversation with a family member is brimming with understanding and, due to remarkable editing and use of music, the film is never overwhelming. For instance, Gil Talmi's score is deeply melancholic but also subtle and relaxing, which adds to the empathy that López is trying to communicate."
Citation
Main credits
López, Jasmín Mara (film director)
López, Jasmín Mara (film producer)
Other credits
Director of photography, Bron Moyi; music, Gil Talmi; editor, Sarah Garrahan.
Distributor subjects
Healing from Child Sexual Abuse; Generational Family Trauma; Women & Mental HealthKeywords
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.627
[intro music]
00:00:03.336 --> 00:00:07.924
[intro music]
00:00:22.981 --> 00:00:24.023
As a child,
00:00:24.107 --> 00:00:25.483
my grandmother and I dreamed
00:00:25.525 --> 00:00:28.278
of adventure,
freedom, and peace.
00:00:33.950 --> 00:00:36.619
Of one day
exploring vast oceans
00:00:38.455 --> 00:00:40.957
because we were never
allowed or taught how to.
00:00:43.793 --> 00:00:50.759
[soft music]
00:00:51.468 --> 00:00:57.849
[soft music]
00:00:57.932 --> 00:00:59.017
[birds chirping]
00:00:59.100 --> 00:01:06.107
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
00:01:06.775 --> 00:01:11.154
[soft music]
00:01:11.237 --> 00:01:18.244
[soft music]
[humming]
00:01:18.328 --> 00:01:20.371
[soft music]
[inhaling]
00:01:20.455 --> 00:01:25.126
[soft music]
[humming]
00:01:25.210 --> 00:01:29.464
Stuffies fight!
Yeah!
00:01:29.547 --> 00:01:35.595
[soft music]
00:01:35.678 --> 00:01:41.518
[soft music]
00:01:41.601 --> 00:01:43.937
[laughter]
00:01:44.020 --> 00:01:48.650
[soft music]
[cups clinking]
00:01:48.733 --> 00:01:50.193
[soft music]
[laughter]
00:01:50.276 --> 00:01:53.571
[soft music]
00:01:53.655 --> 00:01:54.864
Hey!
00:01:55.406 --> 00:01:57.909
Jacob in the middle!
I'm on the...
00:02:03.623 --> 00:02:07.210
[soft music]
00:02:07.293 --> 00:02:08.837
What do you want to say
to the world?
00:02:08.962 --> 00:02:11.756
I love it on the tire swing!
00:02:12.549 --> 00:02:13.550
[cat meow]
00:02:13.633 --> 00:02:15.552
I toast to our future.
00:02:21.683 --> 00:02:23.143
[laughter]
00:02:23.977 --> 00:02:30.984
[background conversation]
00:02:31.609 --> 00:02:35.363
The earliest memories I have
are not so great.
00:02:40.785 --> 00:02:42.745
I felt like an outsider
00:02:42.829 --> 00:02:45.540
and that my family
did not love me.
00:02:45.957 --> 00:02:47.417
They didn't understand me.
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[background conversation]
00:02:51.963 --> 00:02:55.800
[background conversation]
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I asked my mother
00:02:57.260 --> 00:03:00.054
to send me my grandfather's
Super 8 films
00:03:00.138 --> 00:03:02.557
and I started
to watch the footage.
00:03:02.640 --> 00:03:04.017
[background conversation]
00:03:13.860 --> 00:03:20.074
[soft music]
00:03:20.158 --> 00:03:26.372
[soft music]
00:03:28.082 --> 00:03:29.292
In that footage,
00:03:29.459 --> 00:03:32.795
I saw my mother holding me
so tenderly
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and I had never seen that before.
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[soft music]
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[soft music]
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I broke down when I realized
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I wasn't allowed
to see the good in my life
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because
of what happened to me.
00:04:01.074 --> 00:04:02.825
[soft music]
00:04:02.909 --> 00:04:04.827
Those memories are there.
00:04:05.662 --> 00:04:07.622
I just have to dig for them.
00:04:08.498 --> 00:04:11.417
[soft music]
00:04:20.134 --> 00:04:26.349
[soft music]
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Right here.
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Get it.
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[soft music]
00:04:39.737 --> 00:04:40.738
It's right here.
00:04:49.247 --> 00:04:51.165
Sometimes I see her,
look at her face
00:04:51.249 --> 00:04:55.920
and she reminds me of,
from Star Wars, the ewok.
00:04:56.629 --> 00:04:59.048
She reminds me of the ewok,
her little face.
00:05:08.975 --> 00:05:11.936
I didn't have a good
relationship with my mother.
00:05:14.147 --> 00:05:16.482
There's always been
this tension between us
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that hasn't allowed us
to really hold one another.
00:05:30.121 --> 00:05:32.832
[ranchera music]
00:05:32.915 --> 00:05:37.128
[ranchera music]
00:05:37.211 --> 00:05:39.589
[ranchera music]
00:05:39.672 --> 00:05:42.383
My mother was born
in Compton, California.
00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:45.470
She was the youngest girl
of 12 children.
00:05:47.805 --> 00:05:50.266
In the stories she tells me
about her girlhood,
00:05:50.475 --> 00:05:52.685
she is rebellious, funny.
00:06:02.236 --> 00:06:03.905
When I think about her today,
00:06:04.447 --> 00:06:08.326
I think of wind chimes,
nopales and Smokey Robinson.
00:06:10.661 --> 00:06:12.330
She makes great salsas.
00:06:12.663 --> 00:06:14.624
My friends always love her.
00:06:15.958 --> 00:06:17.710
And she admires me.
00:06:18.795 --> 00:06:20.713
But it didn't always
feel that way.
00:06:32.308 --> 00:06:34.393
I had more of
a mother-daughter relationship
00:06:34.477 --> 00:06:36.229
with my grandmother, Maria.
00:06:38.815 --> 00:06:41.150
At least when it comes
to the love, affection,
00:06:41.234 --> 00:06:43.361
and nurturing that I needed.
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[bolero music]
00:06:56.707 --> 00:07:03.714
[bolero music]
00:07:03.798 --> 00:07:07.760
[bolero music]
00:07:07.885 --> 00:07:10.471
My parents divorced
when I was five.
00:07:13.474 --> 00:07:16.144
My mother, my brother
and sister and I moved in
00:07:16.227 --> 00:07:17.770
with my mother's parents.
00:07:24.235 --> 00:07:27.155
Us kids spent most summers
with my father.
00:07:41.002 --> 00:07:42.086
The rest of the time,
00:07:42.170 --> 00:07:43.963
my grandparents'
house was like
00:07:44.046 --> 00:07:46.632
the central hub
for all the cousins.
00:07:57.059 --> 00:07:59.395
My grandfather
was a Baptist minister.
00:08:03.316 --> 00:08:05.818
He was the grandfather
that made us laugh.
00:08:11.365 --> 00:08:14.869
My grandmother,
she was this matriarch.
00:08:20.374 --> 00:08:22.376
And she just wanted
to take care of you.
00:08:33.763 --> 00:08:36.515
We would watch
old Mexican films together
00:08:45.066 --> 00:08:48.194
and spend hours
watching sea explorers.
00:08:55.493 --> 00:08:57.286
She had
a mechanical heart valve
00:08:57.370 --> 00:09:00.498
and sometimes I would
fall asleep to her heart tick.
00:09:01.249 --> 00:09:09.548
[slow ticking]
[bolero music]
00:09:10.424 --> 00:09:11.842
When I was
in the fourth grade,
00:09:11.926 --> 00:09:14.637
my mom got a job
in Northern California.
00:09:16.681 --> 00:09:19.976
I loved my grandmother so much
and I wanted to stay with her.
00:09:22.687 --> 00:09:24.355
My mom and siblings
moved away,
00:09:24.438 --> 00:09:26.315
so it was just me,
my grandparents,
00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:28.901
and sometimes
my youngest uncles.
00:09:33.864 --> 00:09:35.574
For many years,
my grandparents' house
00:09:35.658 --> 00:09:37.702
felt like this safe place,
00:09:41.706 --> 00:09:42.915
but then it wasn't.
00:10:01.100 --> 00:10:03.394
[excited scream]
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Sara's my younger sister
by three years.
00:10:10.609 --> 00:10:11.861
Cherry!
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Two cherries at a time.
00:10:15.281 --> 00:10:18.492
-Here we go at a time!
-Amelia is my niece.
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[giggles]
00:10:25.458 --> 00:10:27.126
You're saying meow because
00:10:28.711 --> 00:10:30.671
because you're saying hello.
00:10:32.340 --> 00:10:36.260
Her want to say hello to you.
00:10:38.346 --> 00:10:39.597
Hi.
00:10:41.766 --> 00:10:43.267
I didn't say that.
00:10:48.647 --> 00:10:50.024
Good night in my room.
00:10:50.107 --> 00:10:51.108
All right.
00:10:53.277 --> 00:10:54.945
Peter is--
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My siblings and I were close.
00:11:21.597 --> 00:11:23.557
Oh, hi Ben and Tammy,
you guys
00:11:23.682 --> 00:11:27.478
better like this 'cause
we're dressed like big dorks,
00:11:27.561 --> 00:11:28.896
and if you don't
recognize me,
00:11:28.979 --> 00:11:30.898
I'm the shorter one,
Jasmin.
00:11:31.232 --> 00:11:32.400
Sara.
00:11:32.817 --> 00:11:34.276
-Come on, Ralph!
00:11:34.610 --> 00:11:36.779
-Yo, it's me.
[laughter]
00:11:37.363 --> 00:11:41.075
[upbeat music]
00:11:41.158 --> 00:11:43.536
As young adults,
we grew apart.
00:11:43.828 --> 00:11:49.500
[singing] I've got two lovers
and I ain't ashamed.
00:11:49.708 --> 00:11:54.004
[singing] Two lovers,
and I love them both the same.
00:11:54.672 --> 00:11:55.756
[singing] Let me tell you-
00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:57.800
I moved away at 18
00:11:57.883 --> 00:12:00.177
and Sara joined the Navy
at 17.
00:12:00.302 --> 00:12:04.723
[singing] He's sweet and kind
and he's mine, all mine.
00:12:04.807 --> 00:12:06.642
[singing] He treats me good...
00:12:06.725 --> 00:12:08.519
Even though there's more distance
00:12:08.602 --> 00:12:10.146
between our lives as adults,
00:12:10.187 --> 00:12:12.064
we know we're there
for each other.
00:12:12.606 --> 00:12:15.109
[singing] I really really love him.
00:12:17.153 --> 00:12:18.279
I really appreciate that
00:12:18.362 --> 00:12:20.906
she wants me
in her daughter's life.
00:12:26.537 --> 00:12:28.581
Wow, it's soap in there!
00:12:29.915 --> 00:12:31.292
[giggles]
00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:34.628
Would you like
scrambled?
00:12:34.712 --> 00:12:36.005
-Huh?
-Scrambled?
00:12:36.088 --> 00:12:37.089
Yeah.
00:12:38.674 --> 00:12:40.342
I was 34 years old.
00:12:40.509 --> 00:12:41.760
I was living in Oakland,
00:12:41.844 --> 00:12:44.555
and my sister was still
in Los Angeles.
00:12:49.477 --> 00:12:50.769
I was going through Facebook
00:12:50.853 --> 00:12:53.230
when my grandfather's photo
pops up
00:12:53.314 --> 00:12:55.691
with my newborn niece
in his arms.
00:13:03.073 --> 00:13:05.159
Okay, good job,
now sit down.
00:13:06.076 --> 00:13:07.495
I knew I had
to say something
00:13:07.578 --> 00:13:09.788
so that Amelia
would not be abused.
00:13:13.709 --> 00:13:15.878
You don't have cheese
in eggs?
00:13:16.003 --> 00:13:23.010
[somber music]
[wave sound]
00:13:23.093 --> 00:13:30.100
[somber music]
00:13:30.184 --> 00:13:37.149
[somber music]
00:13:37.233 --> 00:13:41.695
[somber music]
00:13:43.280 --> 00:13:45.366
[phone ringing]
00:13:47.952 --> 00:13:49.995
[phone ringing]
00:14:00.756 --> 00:14:01.757
[Spanish language]
00:14:02.591 --> 00:14:05.678
[Spanish language]
00:14:05.761 --> 00:14:07.805
[Spanish language]
00:14:09.974 --> 00:14:11.016
[Spanish language]
00:14:11.725 --> 00:14:14.770
[Spanish language]
00:14:15.688 --> 00:14:18.607
[Spanish language]
00:14:18.691 --> 00:14:20.651
[Spanish language]
00:14:21.110 --> 00:14:22.152
[Spanish language]
00:14:22.236 --> 00:14:25.114
[Spanish language]
00:14:44.842 --> 00:14:46.635
[Spanish language]
00:14:46.844 --> 00:14:48.596
[Spanish language]
00:15:47.446 --> 00:15:49.198
You wash the glasses first.
00:16:00.084 --> 00:16:02.544
The day my grandfather
taught me to wash dishes,
00:16:02.711 --> 00:16:04.963
he stood at the sink,
took a glass,
00:16:05.255 --> 00:16:07.341
and told me
to start at the edges.
00:16:12.388 --> 00:16:14.098
Then he had me try,
00:16:14.306 --> 00:16:15.724
standing next to me,
00:16:15.808 --> 00:16:17.685
watching
as I followed his lead.
00:16:33.325 --> 00:16:35.828
My grandfather had rules
for everything.
00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:37.371
What time we ate,
00:16:37.621 --> 00:16:40.874
what day we shopped,
how we wash the dishes.
00:16:56.140 --> 00:16:58.392
I lived with my grandparents,
my mother,
00:16:58.475 --> 00:17:00.811
my siblings,
and my youngest uncles.
00:17:01.770 --> 00:17:03.772
We, the young girls
in the family,
00:17:04.189 --> 00:17:06.567
had less freedoms
than the boys in the family.
00:17:19.788 --> 00:17:21.749
We had a hammock
in our front yard
00:17:22.207 --> 00:17:23.584
that also had a rule.
00:17:25.544 --> 00:17:26.962
We couldn't swing fast,
00:17:27.254 --> 00:17:28.797
but our uncles could.
00:17:29.715 --> 00:17:32.217
I broke that rule
with a neighborhood boy once.
00:17:33.343 --> 00:17:36.013
My grandfather hit me
with a bullwhip that day.
00:17:42.644 --> 00:17:44.730
In the past,
I've tried to forget him,
00:17:45.063 --> 00:17:46.565
the good and the bad,
00:17:47.066 --> 00:17:48.192
but I can't.
00:17:49.443 --> 00:17:51.236
His memory is always present.
00:17:53.572 --> 00:17:55.574
In the most mundane of tasks,
00:17:56.283 --> 00:17:57.326
he's there.
00:18:10.589 --> 00:18:11.632
Mira.
00:18:48.627 --> 00:18:51.672
[Spanish language]
00:18:51.755 --> 00:18:52.756
Say hi, Mom.
00:18:55.592 --> 00:18:57.135
I've gone through
most of my life
00:18:57.219 --> 00:18:59.304
feeling like
I was the one at fault.
00:19:05.602 --> 00:19:07.813
I decided to tell my family.
00:19:28.166 --> 00:19:29.877
I was a devoted daughter.
00:19:33.547 --> 00:19:36.758
He would say, "Jump."
I'd say, "How high?"
00:19:41.555 --> 00:19:43.182
When you told me
00:19:43.265 --> 00:19:45.434
about everything
that had happened
00:19:45.851 --> 00:19:50.272
I went into a really
angry, dark space.
00:19:57.988 --> 00:19:59.364
It's like
when you get a picture
00:19:59.448 --> 00:20:02.367
and you cut out
someone's face.
00:20:06.204 --> 00:20:09.875
He's the person most hated
in this world to me.
00:20:21.970 --> 00:20:24.139
You hear this happens
to people,
00:20:24.848 --> 00:20:27.893
but you never think it's going
to happen in your own home.
00:20:28.810 --> 00:20:32.397
And then,
especially for people
00:20:32.481 --> 00:20:35.567
from Mexico
and other countries that say,
00:20:36.068 --> 00:20:37.152
"Oh, you can't tell
00:20:37.152 --> 00:20:38.153
because,
00:20:41.531 --> 00:20:42.783
"You're the one
that's going to look bad.
00:20:42.866 --> 00:20:43.992
Did you cause it?"
00:20:49.039 --> 00:20:52.709
I think talking with you
00:20:53.085 --> 00:20:54.586
because we're talking.
00:20:54.920 --> 00:20:56.880
Usually, it's just
texting and stuff.
00:20:57.381 --> 00:21:01.593
But we're talking
about the situation
00:21:01.677 --> 00:21:02.844
and then I go,
00:21:04.638 --> 00:21:06.974
I tell myself, "Come on Sandra
you could do it.
00:21:07.140 --> 00:21:09.309
You could do it.
You're going be okay."
00:21:09.393 --> 00:21:13.230
But my stomach was turning
and I was feeling all nervous.
00:21:13.230 --> 00:21:14.898
My hands were feeling...
00:21:15.023 --> 00:21:17.234
I could feel the heartbeat
on my hands.
00:21:18.610 --> 00:21:21.279
But I feel that this is helping
both of us.
00:21:21.863 --> 00:21:25.951
I hope and I pray
that it's making us stronger
00:21:26.034 --> 00:21:28.078
as me and you
daughter-mother.
00:21:28.662 --> 00:21:29.663
You know what I mean?
00:21:32.499 --> 00:21:34.835
[crying]
00:21:38.547 --> 00:21:39.798
[crying]
00:21:42.676 --> 00:21:44.594
Hopefully, I could
stop getting migraines
00:21:44.678 --> 00:21:46.513
and having nightmares.
00:21:50.225 --> 00:21:57.232
[somber music]
00:21:57.315 --> 00:22:04.322
[somber music]
00:22:04.406 --> 00:22:11.413
[somber music]
00:22:11.455 --> 00:22:18.462
[somber music]
00:22:18.545 --> 00:22:25.552
[somber music]
00:22:25.635 --> 00:22:26.762
[somber music]
00:22:26.845 --> 00:22:30.348
The nightmares.
I have them, too.
00:22:38.857 --> 00:22:40.692
I dream my sister
is drowning,
00:22:40.776 --> 00:22:42.069
but I can't reach her.
00:22:43.653 --> 00:22:45.530
My niece and nephews
are drowning
00:22:46.156 --> 00:22:48.450
and I'm trying desperately
to save them.
00:22:51.953 --> 00:22:53.914
Our family is drowning.
00:23:07.427 --> 00:23:08.595
[giggling]
00:23:16.853 --> 00:23:18.480
[excited scream]
00:24:18.248 --> 00:24:20.083
When I confronted him
00:24:20.333 --> 00:24:22.419
just a little part of me
was hanging on
00:24:22.502 --> 00:24:24.004
to the fact that he raised me.
00:24:24.087 --> 00:24:25.714
He was like my father
00:24:30.760 --> 00:24:33.513
and just trying
to get him to understand
00:24:34.431 --> 00:24:36.057
that I needed him
00:24:36.933 --> 00:24:39.686
to explain to me
why he did what he did.
00:24:46.484 --> 00:24:50.447
Now its like,
I don't know,
00:24:50.447 --> 00:24:51.823
you see people,
you meet people
00:24:51.907 --> 00:24:54.284
and it's in the back
of my mind.
00:24:55.368 --> 00:24:56.828
Are you a good person or not?
00:24:57.746 --> 00:25:00.790
And I feel like everybody
has the capability to be bad.
00:25:00.874 --> 00:25:06.254
So it's hard
and it's isolating,
00:25:06.338 --> 00:25:10.258
but that's just life.
00:25:23.605 --> 00:25:25.273
I know how to do it.
00:25:26.608 --> 00:25:28.443
The trauma
you've experienced,
00:25:28.526 --> 00:25:32.280
how do you think that
is affecting her life?
00:25:34.366 --> 00:25:36.826
We don't have
visitors at home.
00:25:37.535 --> 00:25:41.289
We don't really visit
other people's homes.
00:25:43.083 --> 00:25:45.335
I've told her
that anybody could hurt her.
00:25:45.502 --> 00:25:47.128
Not just strangers.
00:25:48.672 --> 00:25:50.507
I don't want to be
instilling fear in her,
00:25:50.590 --> 00:25:54.761
but I also don't want her
to not be aware.
00:25:57.514 --> 00:25:59.099
I think one fell.
00:26:01.518 --> 00:26:02.811
I honestly thought
Ben and Jesse
00:26:02.852 --> 00:26:05.939
would like, be at your side.
00:26:07.148 --> 00:26:08.191
Nope.
00:26:09.818 --> 00:26:12.696
It's ridiculous because
they're police officers.
00:26:12.696 --> 00:26:17.284
Although now that doesn't mean
anything to me whatsoever.
00:26:17.367 --> 00:26:18.451
Yeah.
00:26:18.827 --> 00:26:24.165
I think they were raised
by a pedophile.
00:26:25.959 --> 00:26:30.005
I think they knew their father
abused people.
00:26:30.088 --> 00:26:31.089
Mm-hmm.
00:26:37.012 --> 00:26:39.139
It can be lonely [chuckles]
00:26:39.222 --> 00:26:42.976
life without family members
and stuff. But, oh well.
00:26:47.063 --> 00:26:51.651
[waves]
00:27:00.785 --> 00:27:07.792
[soft music]
00:27:07.876 --> 00:27:14.716
[soft music]
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:16.468
We looked up to my tíos.
00:27:16.760 --> 00:27:18.094
They loved us.
00:27:25.268 --> 00:27:27.854
When I was born,
Ben would run to our house
00:27:27.937 --> 00:27:29.814
after school
to see how I was doing.
00:27:31.608 --> 00:27:33.860
He bought me my
first Nintendo,
00:27:34.027 --> 00:27:35.904
pushed me to face my fears
00:27:35.987 --> 00:27:37.697
and would laugh
when I'd slide jokes
00:27:37.781 --> 00:27:40.283
under the bathroom door
while he occupied it.
00:27:49.084 --> 00:27:54.964
[background conversation]
00:27:56.883 --> 00:27:58.718
I felt closest to Ben.
00:27:58.802 --> 00:28:00.136
I trusted him.
00:28:03.223 --> 00:28:04.682
I was scared when I told him,
00:28:04.766 --> 00:28:07.143
because I didn't want
to hurt or lose him.
00:28:09.646 --> 00:28:12.607
Ben said, "Well,
you just dropped a bombshell,
00:28:13.233 --> 00:28:14.984
so I need to think about this,
00:28:15.068 --> 00:28:16.736
but we're family
and we'll figure this out."
00:28:25.954 --> 00:28:27.789
Hearing him say that
was a relief.
00:28:31.167 --> 00:28:32.460
He immediately told Jess
00:28:32.502 --> 00:28:34.462
before I had the chance
to tell him myself.
00:28:38.258 --> 00:28:41.219
Jess shut me down
and said he didn't understand
00:28:41.302 --> 00:28:42.637
why I was doing this.
00:28:48.685 --> 00:28:51.438
I continued to email my family
and tell them,
00:28:51.521 --> 00:28:54.482
"Hey I just want you to know
I'm moving forward with this."
00:28:55.567 --> 00:28:56.943
Ben emailed me and said,
00:28:57.193 --> 00:28:58.903
"Take me off
your mailing list,"
00:28:59.696 --> 00:29:00.822
and that was it.
00:29:01.030 --> 00:29:02.824
I haven't heard
from them since.
00:29:13.710 --> 00:29:14.878
Cause I'd figured
00:29:16.254 --> 00:29:17.505
my brothers
00:29:20.175 --> 00:29:21.593
would be there for you,
00:29:22.177 --> 00:29:23.595
would be there for me
00:29:25.472 --> 00:29:26.681
and they weren't
00:29:27.474 --> 00:29:28.516
and they're not.
00:30:12.060 --> 00:30:13.061
[birds chirping]
00:30:16.064 --> 00:30:19.108
I lost a lot of my hearing
the year I told my family.
00:30:21.528 --> 00:30:22.946
Imagine people
speaking to you
00:30:23.029 --> 00:30:25.031
while you cup your hands
over your ears.
00:30:28.743 --> 00:30:30.036
That's my cocoon.
00:30:31.579 --> 00:30:33.289
That's where I go to be safe.
00:31:21.337 --> 00:31:28.344
[soft music]
00:31:28.428 --> 00:31:31.556
[soft music]
00:31:31.639 --> 00:31:32.640
-Jakey.
-Yeah.
00:31:34.267 --> 00:31:37.478
Your tía Jasmin
just called me and Daddy
00:31:38.771 --> 00:31:40.648
and she wanted to let us know
00:31:40.857 --> 00:31:42.942
that she wanted to tell you
00:31:43.443 --> 00:31:48.364
that she decided
she's moving to New Orleans.
00:31:49.198 --> 00:31:51.909
Yay!
00:31:52.493 --> 00:31:54.120
What do you think, Rambo?
00:32:03.254 --> 00:32:05.214
I left Oakland
and moved to New Orleans
00:32:05.298 --> 00:32:07.258
just a year
after I disclosed the abuse
00:32:07.342 --> 00:32:08.468
to my family.
00:32:13.640 --> 00:32:15.475
I wanted to build
a stronger relationship
00:32:15.558 --> 00:32:17.602
with my brother and his sons.
00:32:21.773 --> 00:32:23.191
One more time.
00:32:23.191 --> 00:32:25.777
Good morning, Amelia!
00:32:25.777 --> 00:32:26.861
[chuckles]
00:32:28.321 --> 00:32:31.532
Being tía Jas
makes me incredibly proud.
00:32:36.496 --> 00:32:38.623
I want to be the person
that I needed.
00:32:39.374 --> 00:32:41.501
I want to offer them love
they can trust.
00:32:41.584 --> 00:32:43.503
Hey, Rambo,
what are you doing?
00:32:44.087 --> 00:32:45.505
I'm a camera guy.
00:32:48.007 --> 00:32:50.468
It's like if I was
protecting Frida Kahlo.
00:32:50.885 --> 00:32:54.931
Those are Rambo's feet.
00:32:55.682 --> 00:32:57.183
They stink.
00:32:57.850 --> 00:33:00.311
But they're so sweet.
00:33:05.775 --> 00:33:11.906
Happy birthday, dear Jasmin
00:33:11.989 --> 00:33:17.036
Happy birthday to you!
00:33:17.120 --> 00:33:20.873
[applause]
00:33:22.041 --> 00:33:23.793
Coming here
was an opportunity
00:33:23.876 --> 00:33:25.545
to rebuild family.
00:33:27.505 --> 00:33:29.132
Zaf, I love you.
00:33:29.298 --> 00:33:32.510
-I love you too, my love.
-Satie, I love you.
00:33:33.386 --> 00:33:35.638
-Aslı, I love you.
-I love you.
00:33:35.930 --> 00:33:37.306
Bron, I love you.
00:33:37.473 --> 00:33:38.474
I love you.
00:33:39.726 --> 00:33:46.691
[fireworks]
00:33:46.774 --> 00:33:53.781
[fireworks]
00:33:53.865 --> 00:33:58.619
[fireworks]
00:34:07.170 --> 00:34:08.171
It's even?
00:34:08.713 --> 00:34:09.714
Yes, yeah.
00:34:12.675 --> 00:34:15.511
-[laughs]
-I can't get the sides.
00:34:15.595 --> 00:34:17.054
You're gonna have to
get the sides.
00:34:17.138 --> 00:34:18.264
That's actually okay,
00:34:18.347 --> 00:34:20.600
but just put it down
by the line.
00:34:22.935 --> 00:34:24.061
I kind of like it.
00:34:27.356 --> 00:34:28.357
Don't move, okay?
00:34:28.441 --> 00:34:29.776
This part's tricky.
00:34:30.818 --> 00:34:32.111
Close your eyes.
00:34:33.446 --> 00:34:35.865
My nephews know
what I've experienced,
00:34:38.201 --> 00:34:39.577
but I always check in
with them
00:34:39.660 --> 00:34:42.205
to make sure what I say
doesn't scare them,
00:34:42.663 --> 00:34:45.249
so they feel safe
asking questions.
00:34:45.750 --> 00:34:47.543
It's your design that's gonna
be messed up.
00:34:48.419 --> 00:34:49.462
Looks beautiful.
00:34:49.545 --> 00:34:50.797
Says the one who did it.
00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:52.173
It looks great.
00:34:52.673 --> 00:34:59.222
[upbeat music]
00:34:59.305 --> 00:35:00.723
All right, you lead the way.
00:35:07.605 --> 00:35:10.858
Happy birthday to you
00:35:11.400 --> 00:35:15.530
Happy birthday to you
00:35:17.406 --> 00:35:20.284
[cheering]
00:35:29.585 --> 00:35:31.254
Thank you. You good?
00:35:42.765 --> 00:35:46.060
Kids are way more perceptive
than we give them credit for.
00:35:51.941 --> 00:35:53.526
I think that's where
we go wrong.
00:35:53.609 --> 00:35:55.069
We don't speak openly to them
00:35:55.152 --> 00:35:57.405
because we're afraid
as adults.
00:36:05.746 --> 00:36:12.712
[somber music]
00:36:12.795 --> 00:36:19.802
[somber music]
00:36:19.886 --> 00:36:26.893
[somber music]
00:36:26.976 --> 00:36:33.983
[somber music]
00:36:34.066 --> 00:36:41.032
[somber music]
00:36:41.115 --> 00:36:48.122
[somber music]
00:36:49.582 --> 00:36:51.083
I just couldn't see it.
00:36:51.542 --> 00:36:53.753
I couldn't remember
the good things.
00:36:57.131 --> 00:37:00.384
I've only been able to see
my past as beautiful now
00:37:00.468 --> 00:37:02.219
that I've started
to talk about it.
00:37:12.396 --> 00:37:14.607
There were these moments
where I had joy
00:37:14.690 --> 00:37:16.233
and I felt safe
00:37:18.527 --> 00:37:20.404
and that was with my cousins.
00:37:39.298 --> 00:37:41.676
I can still see all of us
having dinner
00:37:41.759 --> 00:37:43.594
or being in the den together.
00:37:49.517 --> 00:37:51.644
There was a lot of love
between us.
00:37:57.817 --> 00:37:58.859
But then I think about
00:37:58.943 --> 00:38:01.320
how that door
was right behind us,
00:38:02.947 --> 00:38:04.740
the door that
led to the garage,
00:38:06.575 --> 00:38:08.452
and that's where
it happened to me.
00:38:38.190 --> 00:38:39.692
All this is going on and you
00:38:39.775 --> 00:38:41.152
all of a sudden disappear
00:38:42.069 --> 00:38:44.030
with your grandfather.
00:38:48.868 --> 00:38:50.870
I did not see you disappear,
00:38:50.953 --> 00:38:52.830
you did not see me disappear,
00:38:53.497 --> 00:38:56.125
but we were just disappearing
like we were ghosts.
00:39:02.715 --> 00:39:04.633
Right after you'd come
out of the garage,
00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:05.885
we would go back
00:39:06.469 --> 00:39:08.679
and play and just be
with everybody else
00:39:08.763 --> 00:39:12.183
and there was no question
or nothing.
00:39:37.375 --> 00:39:39.460
So this road was
part of my therapy.
00:39:40.294 --> 00:39:42.338
Just driving out here,
00:39:45.091 --> 00:39:46.342
when it really hit,
00:39:46.425 --> 00:39:48.636
coming out here
just really helped me out.
00:40:00.064 --> 00:40:01.982
What do you think
kept people from,
00:40:04.777 --> 00:40:08.114
I don't know, believing that
he did that or--
00:40:08.823 --> 00:40:10.324
-About Grandpa?
-Yeah.
00:40:20.835 --> 00:40:22.253
I think, well,
00:40:23.712 --> 00:40:27.925
several things come
to mind [exhales].
00:40:28.008 --> 00:40:30.845
Well, one,
he claimed to be a man of God.
00:40:30.928 --> 00:40:33.514
He was a wolf
disguised as a lamb.
00:40:35.558 --> 00:40:36.559
Two,
00:40:36.892 --> 00:40:39.061
he had such charisma
00:40:39.770 --> 00:40:44.191
and the part of him being
what a grandpa should be
00:40:47.027 --> 00:40:48.445
was something
00:40:49.446 --> 00:40:51.532
that would
easily fool anybody.
00:40:52.324 --> 00:40:53.742
[sniffles]
00:40:58.998 --> 00:41:01.917
It's like
the scent of his house...
00:41:02.334 --> 00:41:04.378
like I could just smell
it right now.
00:41:06.380 --> 00:41:10.092
I could feel the roughness
of his beard.
00:41:15.431 --> 00:41:16.515
Just...
00:41:19.977 --> 00:41:23.063
when you're in that place,
where you feel that
00:41:28.194 --> 00:41:29.778
that there's just--
00:41:36.660 --> 00:41:37.912
you know, you feel hopeless--
00:41:37.995 --> 00:41:42.791
I felt hopeless and just felt like
00:41:44.543 --> 00:41:48.172
there was nothing
anybody could do for me.
00:42:13.322 --> 00:42:14.907
You want to be the boat?
00:42:15.032 --> 00:42:16.408
-No.
-No?
00:42:16.742 --> 00:42:17.993
You want to be
the helicopter?
00:42:18.077 --> 00:42:20.621
-I want this.
-No, you only get to pick one.
00:42:20.913 --> 00:42:23.040
-I want this.
-You want the airplane?
00:42:23.791 --> 00:42:25.918
Mommy's going to be the car.
00:42:25.918 --> 00:42:27.586
-Otay.
-Otay.
00:42:28.254 --> 00:42:29.880
I want her to play.
00:42:29.880 --> 00:42:31.632
-You want her to play?
-Yeah.
00:42:31.882 --> 00:42:33.509
-[laughs]
-You want me to play?
00:42:33.509 --> 00:42:34.635
Yeah.
00:42:36.595 --> 00:42:39.473
[laughter]
-I'll play.
00:42:40.975 --> 00:42:42.351
Okay, let me see.
00:42:44.895 --> 00:42:46.438
You got to to ask Jasmin
which one.
00:42:46.605 --> 00:42:48.190
Say, "Which one
do you want to be?"
00:42:56.699 --> 00:42:59.702
My brother told me that
he had something to tell me.
00:42:59.868 --> 00:43:01.870
Then he's like,
"You know our cousin Jasmin?"
00:43:01.954 --> 00:43:03.038
I said, "Yeah."
00:43:04.915 --> 00:43:07.543
And he's like,
"Well, she just came out that
00:43:07.710 --> 00:43:09.295
someone in the family
00:43:09.503 --> 00:43:11.005
molested her
when she was little."
00:43:11.088 --> 00:43:12.339
-For me?
-Yeah.
00:43:12.423 --> 00:43:13.424
Okay.
00:43:14.883 --> 00:43:17.928
My first thing
that I said was,
00:43:18.053 --> 00:43:19.388
"By who? Grandpa?"
00:43:20.639 --> 00:43:22.266
You're going to make one?
00:43:28.022 --> 00:43:29.023
So, I was six years old
00:43:29.106 --> 00:43:32.192
and we were
at a family birthday party.
00:43:33.485 --> 00:43:37.448
Grandpa had asked me to come
with him into the bedroom.
00:43:39.283 --> 00:43:41.368
He pulled out his penis and
00:43:42.077 --> 00:43:44.121
he told me that
I couldn't tell anybody,
00:43:44.163 --> 00:43:45.789
no one would believe me
00:43:46.040 --> 00:43:48.125
and to especially
not tell my dad.
00:43:55.799 --> 00:43:56.925
For you, Mom.
00:43:57.009 --> 00:43:58.010
That's for me?
00:43:58.093 --> 00:43:59.094
No.
00:44:01.472 --> 00:44:03.849
You have to keep
that mask on
00:44:03.932 --> 00:44:06.643
of being okay
and I love my grandpa
00:44:06.727 --> 00:44:09.855
and he's the best
when that's all bullshit.
00:44:11.565 --> 00:44:13.650
Oh, where do we put that one?
What about right there?
00:44:16.153 --> 00:44:17.196
Right here, oh.
00:44:17.279 --> 00:44:20.407
Getting high, I was able
to tolerate everything,
00:44:20.616 --> 00:44:22.534
because it made me like numb,
00:44:22.951 --> 00:44:25.371
not having to actually
deal with anything
00:44:25.454 --> 00:44:26.705
that was going on.
00:44:27.289 --> 00:44:29.249
That's when you pass go.
00:44:30.876 --> 00:44:32.795
That's when you have
to give up money.
00:44:33.087 --> 00:44:34.755
Give me dough.
00:44:34.922 --> 00:44:35.923
Mm-hmm.
00:44:38.467 --> 00:44:42.805
There is so much that I wish
I would have done differently.
00:44:45.724 --> 00:44:47.851
I have two children,
00:44:47.935 --> 00:44:50.145
older.
00:44:51.522 --> 00:44:54.733
I was in my addiction
when I had them.
00:44:55.150 --> 00:44:57.444
I was in an
abusive relationship.
00:44:59.113 --> 00:45:01.615
They were removed
from my custody.
00:45:05.327 --> 00:45:07.204
I've done a lot of work
on myself
00:45:07.287 --> 00:45:10.916
to be able to sit here
and just be in acceptance
00:45:10.999 --> 00:45:12.626
that I have two other kids
00:45:12.709 --> 00:45:15.254
that I don't get to tell them
"Happy birthday."
00:45:20.217 --> 00:45:24.555
At this moment in my life,
I live just for today.
00:45:26.765 --> 00:45:28.976
I work a program of recovery.
00:45:29.226 --> 00:45:30.769
I have seven years clean.
00:45:33.981 --> 00:45:39.570
I'm proud of just being
the woman I am today,
00:45:39.653 --> 00:45:43.449
'cause it has taken a lot
to become this woman today.
00:45:48.328 --> 00:45:51.415
Three, two, one.
00:46:00.674 --> 00:46:02.009
In telling my family,
00:46:02.092 --> 00:46:03.635
I found out that
my grandfather
00:46:03.719 --> 00:46:05.345
abused other people as well,
00:46:06.013 --> 00:46:08.056
my uncles, two aunts.
00:46:09.850 --> 00:46:12.019
But my family didn't know
how to talk about it.
00:46:12.394 --> 00:46:13.479
They didn't want to.
00:46:22.404 --> 00:46:24.364
Do you remember when
he would bring out this...
00:46:24.698 --> 00:46:26.033
I just remember
it freaked me out,
00:46:26.116 --> 00:46:27.576
and I never wanted
to read Revelations,
00:46:27.659 --> 00:46:29.036
this chart
00:46:29.119 --> 00:46:32.789
of how the end of the world
was going to happen
00:46:32.873 --> 00:46:34.166
and the rapture.
00:46:34.249 --> 00:46:36.043
It mean it was like
this diagram.
00:46:36.335 --> 00:46:37.336
It just was--
00:46:37.419 --> 00:46:39.129
It always creeped me out,
because he would bring that.
00:46:39.213 --> 00:46:42.799
It was almost forcing us
to be fearful.
00:46:42.883 --> 00:46:45.260
It was all just fear-based.
00:46:50.849 --> 00:46:51.808
You guys want to eat?
00:46:52.059 --> 00:46:53.894
Yeah, thank you.
00:46:54.228 --> 00:46:55.437
There's some avocado.
00:46:55.521 --> 00:46:58.232
I don't do potatoes or anything
'cause I can't eat that, so.
00:46:58.565 --> 00:46:59.650
[laughs]
00:46:59.733 --> 00:47:01.610
And tortillas are over
on the thing. Ria!
00:47:04.613 --> 00:47:05.989
What was it like for you
00:47:06.073 --> 00:47:07.950
when I called you
and told you?
00:47:09.243 --> 00:47:10.536
I don't know.
00:47:10.994 --> 00:47:13.455
I didn't feel any hatred
or anything towards him,
00:47:13.539 --> 00:47:16.416
because I didn't know the man
you guys were talking about.
00:47:16.583 --> 00:47:18.126
So, it was really hard.
00:47:18.210 --> 00:47:22.381
I mean I really had to grapple
with how do I feel
00:47:22.464 --> 00:47:24.800
and why do I feel this way?
00:47:24.925 --> 00:47:26.927
I want to be
supportive of you.
00:47:28.804 --> 00:47:30.472
But it took me a while
to figure out
00:47:30.514 --> 00:47:33.809
where or how
am I supposed to feel?
00:47:34.518 --> 00:47:36.144
So I'm just here now to--
00:47:36.228 --> 00:47:37.229
because like I told you,
00:47:37.271 --> 00:47:38.939
it didn't happen to me
with him.
00:47:39.481 --> 00:47:42.359
But I am also an
abuse survivor,
00:47:42.442 --> 00:47:46.780
and I choose
not to let that define me,
00:47:46.863 --> 00:47:48.240
and I'm moving forward and
00:47:48.782 --> 00:47:51.451
I'm going
to embrace that scar,
00:47:51.535 --> 00:47:53.245
because it's a part of me now
00:47:53.328 --> 00:47:56.915
and it's informed
a lot of who I am,
00:47:57.958 --> 00:48:02.087
but mostly just because
it's not talked about.
00:48:02.212 --> 00:48:09.177
[soft music]
00:48:09.303 --> 00:48:12.014
[soft music]
00:48:12.097 --> 00:48:13.890
Nothing is ever addressed.
00:48:17.644 --> 00:48:18.979
That is in its own way,
00:48:19.062 --> 00:48:21.732
its own repression
and silencing.
00:48:27.904 --> 00:48:29.823
I really never shared it.
00:48:35.996 --> 00:48:37.205
My abuser,
00:48:37.623 --> 00:48:40.334
he had a friend at work that
he would always talk about.
00:48:40.834 --> 00:48:43.337
And he says, "Well, yeah,
this is how to show love,
00:48:43.420 --> 00:48:44.463
you know?"
00:48:44.546 --> 00:48:51.553
[soft music]
00:48:51.637 --> 00:48:58.644
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
00:48:58.685 --> 00:49:00.062
[birds chirping]
00:49:00.145 --> 00:49:01.897
That's a weird-sounding bird.
00:49:05.108 --> 00:49:06.318
Look at that little one.
00:49:08.987 --> 00:49:11.198
I think what I try to do
00:49:11.615 --> 00:49:13.659
is the opposite
of what we had,
00:49:13.825 --> 00:49:16.203
which was no one to go to,
no one to talk to.
00:49:16.286 --> 00:49:17.537
We didn't have an ally.
00:49:23.502 --> 00:49:25.295
My girls know, obviously.
00:49:26.963 --> 00:49:28.131
I just wanted them to know
00:49:28.215 --> 00:49:30.175
that I wasn't just being
hyper-vigilant
00:49:30.258 --> 00:49:32.969
just because I wanted
to instill this fear of men.
00:49:35.847 --> 00:49:37.224
I want them to know
00:49:37.432 --> 00:49:39.059
you have a say
00:49:39.142 --> 00:49:40.185
and you are in control of
00:49:40.268 --> 00:49:41.937
how you allow people
to treat you.
00:49:42.020 --> 00:49:43.772
[birds chirping]
00:49:54.783 --> 00:49:58.704
[wind, waves crashing]
00:50:12.634 --> 00:50:15.804
All of us had
this darker experience
00:50:19.850 --> 00:50:21.727
but we had my grandmother
00:50:22.644 --> 00:50:24.938
and she was a light for us.
00:50:41.788 --> 00:50:43.874
I just knew that
I couldn't say anything
00:50:43.957 --> 00:50:46.084
because this man
that I was taught
00:50:46.168 --> 00:50:49.629
to respect and fear
was hurting me
00:50:50.547 --> 00:50:53.341
and I was taught
to be quiet and obey.
00:51:06.313 --> 00:51:08.273
I would run past her bedroom
00:51:08.356 --> 00:51:12.402
and cry in the shower
as a 9 or 10-year-old
00:51:12.486 --> 00:51:15.572
after he would do
horrible things to me.
00:51:17.657 --> 00:51:19.451
I'd sit there confused
00:51:19.743 --> 00:51:22.662
knowing there was really
nobody that I could turn to.
00:51:37.969 --> 00:51:40.972
Where was my grandma
and who knew?
00:51:41.056 --> 00:51:48.063
[soft music]
00:51:48.146 --> 00:51:55.153
[soft music]
00:51:55.237 --> 00:52:02.202
[soft music]
00:52:02.661 --> 00:52:05.038
She was very sick
at that point.
00:52:05.789 --> 00:52:08.125
She had problems
with her heart.
00:52:12.128 --> 00:52:14.756
I thought if I told her
that I would destroy her.
00:52:14.840 --> 00:52:21.847
[soft music]
00:52:21.930 --> 00:52:28.937
[soft music]
00:52:29.020 --> 00:52:34.609
[soft music]
00:52:34.693 --> 00:52:37.404
She wasn't allowed
to work or drive.
00:52:40.657 --> 00:52:43.410
All she had to rely on
was this man that,
00:52:43.493 --> 00:52:45.745
who knows, maybe abused her.
00:52:49.291 --> 00:52:50.292
[wind]
00:52:50.375 --> 00:52:57.382
[soft music]
[wind]
00:52:58.300 --> 00:52:59.843
She couldn't protect me.
00:53:00.844 --> 00:53:02.137
I think she wanted to.
00:53:02.304 --> 00:53:09.311
[somber music]
00:53:09.394 --> 00:53:16.401
[somber music]
00:53:16.484 --> 00:53:17.861
[somber music]
00:53:17.944 --> 00:53:20.030
She died a year
after the abuse.
00:53:20.113 --> 00:53:27.078
[somber music]
00:53:27.162 --> 00:53:34.169
[somber music]
00:53:34.252 --> 00:53:41.259
[somber music]
00:53:41.343 --> 00:53:48.350
[somber music]
00:53:48.433 --> 00:53:55.398
[somber music]
00:53:55.482 --> 00:54:02.489
[somber music]
00:54:02.572 --> 00:54:09.579
[somber music]
00:54:09.663 --> 00:54:13.124
[somber music]
00:54:13.208 --> 00:54:20.173
[thunder]
00:54:20.256 --> 00:54:23.259
[thunder]
00:54:41.653 --> 00:54:48.618
[Spanish language]
00:54:49.119 --> 00:55:00.672
[Spanish language]
00:55:00.922 --> 00:55:04.175
-[Spanish language]
-[Spanish language]
00:55:05.510 --> 00:55:08.513
[Spanish language]
00:55:12.142 --> 00:55:14.352
-[Spanish language]
-What are you afraid of?
00:55:45.258 --> 00:55:51.306
[Spanish language]
00:55:51.473 --> 00:56:02.025
[Spanish language]
00:56:02.442 --> 00:56:08.198
[Spanish language]
00:56:13.244 --> 00:56:17.207
[Spanish language]
00:56:17.874 --> 00:56:26.049
[Spanish language]
00:56:27.675 --> 00:56:33.056
[Spanish language]
00:56:33.139 --> 00:56:36.601
[Spanish language]
00:56:36.935 --> 00:56:39.270
-[Spanish language]
-[Spanish language]
00:56:39.437 --> 00:56:40.522
[Spanish language]
00:56:40.605 --> 00:56:44.651
[Spanish language]
00:56:45.151 --> 00:56:48.404
-[Spanish language]
-[Spanish language]
00:57:06.381 --> 00:57:08.133
I was angry that my family
00:57:08.216 --> 00:57:10.510
hadn't held him accountable
for what he did.
00:57:12.804 --> 00:57:14.722
There were
still children at risk.
00:57:18.685 --> 00:57:21.688
I made the decision
to report it to the police.
00:57:27.527 --> 00:57:28.945
I went by myself.
00:57:29.821 --> 00:57:31.239
I made the report.
00:57:33.283 --> 00:57:35.034
On the walk home
from the station,
00:57:35.118 --> 00:57:36.286
it just hit me.
00:57:38.830 --> 00:57:40.874
A stranger passed by me
and said,
00:57:40.999 --> 00:57:42.208
"Jesus loves you."
00:57:45.628 --> 00:57:48.506
And all these birds
started flying everywhere.
00:57:53.428 --> 00:57:54.846
Something in that moment
00:57:54.929 --> 00:57:56.931
brought me back
to the grandfather I knew
00:57:57.015 --> 00:57:58.558
before he abused me.
00:58:06.941 --> 00:58:09.152
I walked up
to a big oak tree,
00:58:10.320 --> 00:58:12.405
sat down
and put my hands on it,
00:58:12.614 --> 00:58:13.615
and wept.
00:58:17.243 --> 00:58:18.661
I was grieving.
01:00:29.792 --> 01:00:31.627
It wasn't that
I wanted him to spend
01:00:31.627 --> 01:00:34.130
the rest of his life
in a prison.
01:00:35.089 --> 01:00:37.717
I had hoped
for his rehabilitation.
01:00:39.260 --> 01:00:41.346
To know my grandfather
was capable
01:00:41.346 --> 01:00:45.308
of taking responsibility
for the harm he inflicted.
01:00:54.650 --> 01:00:57.612
[phone rings]
01:00:58.821 --> 01:01:00.865
-Hello?
-Hello.
01:01:01.199 --> 01:01:03.326
-Are you there?
-Yeah, I'm here.
01:01:03.576 --> 01:01:06.329
-You can hear me?
-Yeah.
01:01:08.039 --> 01:01:10.291
Hey, is Sara okay?
01:01:12.335 --> 01:01:13.336
Why?
01:01:16.464 --> 01:01:18.007
Reason I'm asking,
01:01:18.424 --> 01:01:20.093
I'm worried about her.
01:01:22.095 --> 01:01:23.971
Yeah, she's not doing well.
01:01:25.264 --> 01:01:27.100
Because she hasn't really
01:01:27.225 --> 01:01:30.395
even let me talk
to Amelia for a while.
01:01:32.814 --> 01:01:35.316
So I know she's
not doing good.
01:01:47.537 --> 01:01:50.415
[background conversation]
01:01:52.667 --> 01:01:53.793
Sara!
01:01:54.043 --> 01:02:00.758
[soft music]
01:02:00.842 --> 01:02:03.845
[soft music]
01:02:04.137 --> 01:02:07.849
Happy birthday to you
01:02:09.684 --> 01:02:12.937
Happy birthday to you
01:02:14.605 --> 01:02:17.775
Happy birthday dear Sara
01:02:18.818 --> 01:02:20.653
It wasn't just
my grandfather.
01:02:21.112 --> 01:02:22.905
It was also my father.
01:02:26.451 --> 01:02:30.163
I was about 16 when I learned
that he abused my sister.
01:02:33.624 --> 01:02:35.293
Hurry up!
The candles are going out.
01:02:36.210 --> 01:02:37.420
Hey, pretty good.
01:02:41.132 --> 01:02:42.717
I was 13 when it happened.
01:02:43.676 --> 01:02:47.430
We had went to visit him
for I think Easter break
01:02:48.222 --> 01:02:52.059
and I didn't say anything,
of course, to anybody.
01:02:52.685 --> 01:02:58.065
And it was like two years later.
01:02:58.816 --> 01:03:01.444
I think you had got him
a Father's Day card
01:03:01.527 --> 01:03:03.613
and you and Ralph signed it
and I spit on it.
01:03:04.822 --> 01:03:06.032
I remember fighting with you
01:03:06.115 --> 01:03:07.700
about it
to sign it, sign it, sign it,
01:03:07.742 --> 01:03:09.368
and you were taking forever.
01:03:09.535 --> 01:03:11.537
Then you finally signed it
but you closed it
01:03:11.621 --> 01:03:13.539
and it was super wet.
01:03:14.665 --> 01:03:16.751
I hocked
a loogie in it.
01:03:17.627 --> 01:03:22.131
That was like the most damage
01:03:22.215 --> 01:03:24.342
I could think to do
[chuckles].
01:03:24.717 --> 01:03:35.770
[singing] And paradise,
that's where I want to be,
01:03:35.853 --> 01:03:40.566
[singing] just you and me,
01:03:41.150 --> 01:03:45.404
I had just gone through that
with our grandfather.
01:03:47.657 --> 01:03:49.158
I think I had my back
01:03:49.242 --> 01:03:51.077
turned towards you
and sitting on the bed
01:03:51.160 --> 01:03:52.828
and told you
that I believed you.
01:03:52.912 --> 01:03:55.081
That was the end
of our conversation.
01:03:55.414 --> 01:03:57.583
You said you believed me.
01:03:59.335 --> 01:04:01.128
I remember it
being a heavy thing too.
01:04:01.796 --> 01:04:04.215
I felt there was more
but I couldn't handle more
01:04:04.298 --> 01:04:05.967
so I didn't say anything.
01:04:06.175 --> 01:04:08.844
Because we weren't taught
to talk about things.
01:04:09.011 --> 01:04:15.434
[singing] I still love you
just as much as before.
01:04:15.560 --> 01:04:18.187
[singing] So laughing boy...
01:04:18.521 --> 01:04:19.772
I did report it.
01:04:19.855 --> 01:04:21.190
He did get arrested.
01:04:22.650 --> 01:04:25.069
And they sentenced him
to three months
01:04:25.361 --> 01:04:27.071
and to be deported.
01:04:30.408 --> 01:04:31.951
And then after that, it was like
01:04:32.785 --> 01:04:33.786
you didn't talk about it.
01:04:33.869 --> 01:04:35.580
Nothing. Everything was fine.
01:04:36.205 --> 01:04:37.623
You go on with your life.
01:04:40.001 --> 01:04:41.127
That's it.
01:04:42.211 --> 01:04:46.215
[background noise]
01:04:46.299 --> 01:04:49.969
[background noise]
01:04:50.052 --> 01:04:52.680
I kind of feel like I fucked up
the family a little bit.
01:04:53.014 --> 01:04:55.891
You didn't fuck up the family.
That was--
01:04:56.017 --> 01:04:57.101
No, but I felt like it
01:04:57.184 --> 01:05:02.523
and that's how I was, I think,
looked at for a little bit.
01:05:10.740 --> 01:05:12.658
It's very obvious to me
01:05:12.867 --> 01:05:16.954
that she did not handle
your abuse well
01:05:17.038 --> 01:05:18.956
and she did not help you
through that abuse.
01:05:19.040 --> 01:05:21.208
-No.
-Yet, now, she is
01:05:21.667 --> 01:05:23.961
supporting me so much.
01:05:25.254 --> 01:05:27.632
The person that's
supposed to protect you
01:05:27.632 --> 01:05:29.759
take care of you,
your mother, doesn't.
01:05:39.477 --> 01:05:46.484
[background conversation]
01:05:49.570 --> 01:05:51.864
My mother couldn't be there
for my sister.
01:05:54.283 --> 01:05:56.869
And for my sister
that was a growing wound.
01:05:58.287 --> 01:06:05.294
[background conversation]
01:06:09.173 --> 01:06:12.718
I don't think my mother was
empowered enough of a person.
01:06:16.972 --> 01:06:20.017
She was still a product
of my grandfather's household.
01:06:30.528 --> 01:06:33.489
She really is
trying to do the work.
01:06:33.989 --> 01:06:39.954
I think you are very afraid
to be direct with her.
01:06:42.456 --> 01:06:45.459
Nothing she can say or do
is going to change
01:06:46.168 --> 01:06:47.169
how I feel about it.
01:06:48.212 --> 01:06:50.089
No apology
is going to change it.
01:06:50.673 --> 01:06:54.593
I haven't quite finished
working on all of that.
01:06:55.720 --> 01:06:57.096
How are you working on that?
01:06:57.179 --> 01:06:58.639
I'm not. [laughs]
01:06:58.723 --> 01:07:02.601
I go see the counselor
at the Vet Center but
01:07:04.687 --> 01:07:06.647
it's mainly
day-to-day stuff.
01:07:11.360 --> 01:07:16.198
There's different things
I have to work on,
01:07:18.701 --> 01:07:19.702
I guess.
01:07:19.869 --> 01:07:21.412
Like what I went through
01:07:21.495 --> 01:07:26.208
and then stuff happened
in the Navy.
01:07:26.709 --> 01:07:31.338
It's like, "What do you
want to fix first?"
01:07:33.382 --> 01:07:35.384
Like assault stuff
in the Navy?
01:07:35.468 --> 01:07:36.552
Mm-hmm.
01:07:36.594 --> 01:07:42.224
So, it's been difficult
to try to work all that out.
01:07:46.812 --> 01:07:47.897
One hand.
01:07:47.980 --> 01:07:48.939
I am.
01:07:50.024 --> 01:07:52.276
Okay. That's it. That's it.
That's it. That's it.
01:07:54.737 --> 01:07:57.239
Do you think you'll tell her
about our family?
01:07:57.865 --> 01:07:59.408
I mean, I've told her that
01:08:00.910 --> 01:08:02.828
my biological father hurt me,
01:08:04.663 --> 01:08:06.248
trying to be
as age-appropriate
01:08:06.332 --> 01:08:07.541
with her as possible.
01:08:07.625 --> 01:08:08.959
It is too much.
01:08:09.210 --> 01:08:10.711
I think I
got enough off.
01:08:10.795 --> 01:08:13.881
Now, can you get the circle
you want to put?
01:08:14.089 --> 01:08:15.090
Like this.
01:08:15.174 --> 01:08:17.218
[buzzes]
01:08:17.301 --> 01:08:20.387
[laughs]
01:08:22.056 --> 01:08:23.849
It can be very
difficult sometimes
01:08:23.933 --> 01:08:27.061
because I'm determined to heal
so I push.
01:08:30.731 --> 01:08:32.608
But Sara can't sometimes.
01:08:39.448 --> 01:08:42.159
I had to acknowledge that
that is her process right now
01:08:42.243 --> 01:08:44.203
and that's okay.
01:09:06.851 --> 01:09:08.060
How are you doing Sandra?
01:09:08.310 --> 01:09:09.311
Okay.
01:09:09.603 --> 01:09:11.480
Just okay.
01:09:11.730 --> 01:09:13.649
-I'm right with you.
-She fell.
01:09:14.608 --> 01:09:15.860
I fell again.
01:09:17.194 --> 01:09:19.572
-That was a bad fall, Cathy.
-Why? Why did you--
01:09:19.572 --> 01:09:20.573
I just fell ...
01:09:22.950 --> 01:09:24.451
Boom [laughs].
01:09:24.535 --> 01:09:25.703
You weren't drinking,
were you?
01:09:25.828 --> 01:09:27.246
No, I wasn't drinking.
01:09:28.622 --> 01:09:30.249
Okay, what is prayer
01:09:30.332 --> 01:09:32.960
and how can a disciple
pray effectively?
01:09:33.460 --> 01:09:35.838
Prayer is transparent
dialogue.
01:09:36.255 --> 01:09:37.882
And it takes time but then
01:09:38.132 --> 01:09:42.553
we become transparent
with Him. Amen.
01:09:42.970 --> 01:09:47.641
We even open that one
closet door and show Him.
01:09:49.101 --> 01:09:50.895
What if you do open
that closet door
01:09:50.978 --> 01:09:53.898
and that makes you
doubt your faith?
01:09:54.106 --> 01:09:55.149
You're praying to God,
01:09:55.232 --> 01:09:57.109
you're trying
to get something done,
01:09:57.151 --> 01:10:01.780
and then situations happen.
01:10:01.906 --> 01:10:04.199
Yeah, situations happen. Yeah.
01:10:11.582 --> 01:10:15.502
In the process of these years
since Jasmin told me,
01:10:16.629 --> 01:10:18.213
I've had two breakdowns.
01:10:21.175 --> 01:10:23.219
I smelled eucalyptus.
01:10:23.719 --> 01:10:26.972
I saw a lime green color.
01:10:32.770 --> 01:10:37.775
The therapist and myself
think my father molested me.
01:10:51.038 --> 01:10:53.123
Would you like to take
some deep breaths with me?
01:10:53.207 --> 01:10:54.667
-Yes.
-I want you to take some
01:10:54.708 --> 01:10:56.085
big belly breaths.
01:10:57.086 --> 01:10:59.129
Just inhaling deeply.
01:11:00.839 --> 01:11:03.092
Just letting the energy flow.
01:11:04.510 --> 01:11:05.928
Just let it flow.
01:11:06.053 --> 01:11:09.556
It's all working out
step by step,
01:11:10.599 --> 01:11:11.850
and you could just breathe
01:11:11.934 --> 01:11:12.977
and let go.
01:11:13.060 --> 01:11:14.812
Just let the energy flow.
01:11:22.194 --> 01:11:23.195
[waves crashing]
01:11:37.835 --> 01:11:39.253
Any thoughts
that came up for you
01:11:39.336 --> 01:11:41.505
or any feelings that came up
for you with that?
01:11:42.423 --> 01:11:47.594
I feel like I have
to reach out to Sara
01:11:47.678 --> 01:11:51.140
and talk about it even though
I dread that conversation.
01:11:51.557 --> 01:11:55.102
Not for me,
I dread it for her not the hurt.
01:11:56.061 --> 01:11:57.646
You know.
01:11:58.814 --> 01:12:00.649
My part is okay.
01:12:01.483 --> 01:12:03.861
I know I'll wig out.
01:12:03.986 --> 01:12:05.612
I know
I might even have dreams
01:12:05.696 --> 01:12:08.574
but I want her to heal.
01:12:10.242 --> 01:12:12.327
How would you like
for it to go?
01:12:13.537 --> 01:12:17.750
That she could totally,
totally spill her guts.
01:12:18.083 --> 01:12:21.754
Totally, totally let
all that anger out.
01:12:21.837 --> 01:12:25.591
Even if it's telling me off,
even if it's whatever,
01:12:25.758 --> 01:12:27.968
just to get it out.
01:12:34.933 --> 01:12:37.019
Even though
I'm feeling a bit uneasy,
01:12:38.604 --> 01:12:40.147
I choose to deeply
and completely
01:12:40.230 --> 01:12:41.940
love and accept myself.
01:12:45.736 --> 01:12:47.863
Even though
I'm feeling a bit uneasy,
01:12:49.239 --> 01:12:51.950
I choose to deeply
and completely love
01:12:52.034 --> 01:12:53.243
and accept myself.
01:12:56.705 --> 01:12:58.415
I am breathing deeply.
01:13:03.962 --> 01:13:06.757
I know that the energy
is just flowing through me.
01:13:11.929 --> 01:13:13.806
I know that
I am taken care of.
01:13:18.852 --> 01:13:22.272
I am learning so much
about myself in this process.
01:13:39.081 --> 01:13:46.088
[heavy breathing]
01:13:46.171 --> 01:13:51.009
[heavy breathing]
01:13:51.093 --> 01:13:58.100
[soft music]
01:13:58.183 --> 01:14:05.190
[soft music]
01:14:05.274 --> 01:14:10.612
[soft music]
01:14:10.737 --> 01:14:13.615
[laughter]
01:14:14.992 --> 01:14:21.456
[soft music]
01:14:21.540 --> 01:14:23.167
I'm so proud of you!
01:14:23.250 --> 01:14:30.257
[emotional music]
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[emotional music]
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Whoa.
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[emotional music]
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[emotional music]
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I just received
two text messages.
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The news that I received was
that my grandfather has died.
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Part of me is
incredibly relieved and glad
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because I know he's gone now
and he can't hurt anyone.
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Part of me is upset
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that he was never
really held accountable.
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I wonder
who's going to cry for him.
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I wonder who's going to think
of me and the other survivors.
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I wonder
if it would bring me peace
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to see him lying
in a coffin.
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I wonder how this is
affecting everyone else.
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I heard that
one aunt is glad.
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I suspect that's because of
what he may have done to her.
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[birds chirping]
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[ranchera music]
[birds chirping]
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[ranchera music]
[birds chirping]
01:17:28.769 --> 01:17:30.979
[ranchera music]
[birds chirping]
01:17:31.063 --> 01:17:34.691
My grandfather wrote his life
story decades before he died.
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He gave the book to my mother
for safekeeping.
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[ranchera music]
[birds chirping]
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[ranchera music]
[birds chirping]
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[ranchera music]
[birds chirping]
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I didn't learn
about the writing
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until after his death.
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As I grappled
with what this all meant,
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I connected with the child
in those stories.
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[ranchera music]
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[ranchera music]
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I now understood
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how this harmful person
came to be.
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Like me,
that boy was an abused child,
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and I hope
he's finally at peace.
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[birds chirping]
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[birds chirping]
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[soft music]
[birds chirping]
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[soft music]
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Good morning.
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So I want you to send me
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a little recording
on your phone.
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Tell me
what you see and feel.
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[soft music]
[birds chirping]
01:20:15.936 --> 01:20:18.980
Sara: Hey, so I'm on
my break from work.
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Feeling pretty good,
pretty calm.
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There was a cat
earlier on the roof.
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I took a picture of it
for Amelia.
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She likes to hear
about any cats or dogs
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I see every day.
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Mom: Hello, it's me.
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I'm feeling relaxed.
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Right now,
I just see some birds outside
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and sunlight coming in.
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[soft music]
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[soft music]
[wave sound]
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[soft music]
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[chuckles]
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You should have brought
my tía Sandra with you.
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[soft music]
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[soft music]
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Rawr!
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Rawr!
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[soft music]
[wave sound]
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[soft music]
[wave sound]
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[soft music]
[wave sound]
01:21:43.815 --> 01:21:46.693
My grandfather
Gilberto Jiménez Romero
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will be buried today.
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As a father and minister,
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he built power to control
and manipulate his children
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and family into silence.
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The silence lasted
for generations.
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The silence ended with me
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and my beautifully
courageous cousins.
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[soft music]
[wave sound]
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[waves crashing]
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[waves crashing]
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[waves crashing]
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[waves crashing]
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[waves crashing]
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[waves crashing]
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Goodbye forever, Grandfather.
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Today and always,
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I dance, and I rise.
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[waves crashing]
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[humming]
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[humming]
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[humming]
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[soft music]
['Colores' by Ampersan]
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