00:00:18.284 --> 00:00:26.284
(music)

00:00:32.432 --> 00:00:34.033
The only direction
I really give them

00:00:34.067 --> 00:00:36.469
is to look into my lens.

00:00:36.503 --> 00:00:40.373
(music)

00:00:40.407 --> 00:00:42.142
I want whoever's looking
at the picture

00:00:42.175 --> 00:00:46.413
to be looking into
this person's eyes...

00:00:46.446 --> 00:00:48.882
(music)

00:00:48.915 --> 00:00:51.584
(clicking)

00:00:51.618 --> 00:00:54.454
(music)

00:00:54.487 --> 00:00:57.957
because we've always,
always, always looked away...

00:00:57.991 --> 00:01:00.960
(music)

00:01:00.994 --> 00:01:04.497
and it's not time
to look away anymore.

00:01:04.531 --> 00:01:09.135
(music)

00:01:09.169 --> 00:01:11.838
(camera shutter clicking)

00:01:11.871 --> 00:01:13.206
(music)

00:01:13.239 --> 00:01:15.375
All right, shoulder forward.

00:01:15.408 --> 00:01:17.177
(music)

00:01:17.210 --> 00:01:20.146
There you go.

00:01:20.180 --> 00:01:23.349
Right, I was actually
just terrified, I'm like...

00:01:23.383 --> 00:01:24.951
(music)

00:01:24.984 --> 00:01:26.586
Sorry.

00:01:26.619 --> 00:01:28.888
I think it's so awkward.

00:01:28.922 --> 00:01:36.922
(music)

00:02:04.190 --> 00:02:06.860
(buzzing)

00:02:06.893 --> 00:02:09.529
(music)

00:02:09.562 --> 00:02:11.531
"My body, with every
new tattoo, is becoming

00:02:11.564 --> 00:02:15.135
a visual representation
of the pain I feel.

00:02:15.168 --> 00:02:17.070
A shrine to that one act

00:02:17.103 --> 00:02:20.540
I wish I had the balls
to carry out."

00:02:20.573 --> 00:02:24.444
(music)

00:02:24.477 --> 00:02:27.714
"Body feels like a lead weight.

00:02:27.747 --> 00:02:31.584
I can't help but feel like
everybody's disappointed in me.

00:02:31.618 --> 00:02:32.318
Girlfriend drunk.

00:02:32.352 --> 00:02:34.921
Alone, alone, alone."

00:02:34.954 --> 00:02:36.122
(music)

00:02:36.155 --> 00:02:37.757
"We had this argument
where she said

00:02:37.790 --> 00:02:40.527
she would help me die."

00:02:42.462 --> 00:02:44.097
Okay.

00:02:44.130 --> 00:02:47.634
(music)

00:02:47.667 --> 00:02:49.936
I was scared about
having graduated college,

00:02:49.969 --> 00:02:53.673
I was scared about life,
I was scared about money.

00:02:53.706 --> 00:02:55.308
(music)

00:02:55.341 --> 00:02:58.645
I just lost it, like,
that was the tipping point.

00:02:58.678 --> 00:02:59.712
(music)

00:02:59.746 --> 00:03:04.317
"Nobody else has felt
this before?"

00:03:04.350 --> 00:03:06.719
This is just the day
I tried to kill myself,

00:03:06.753 --> 00:03:09.756
just all day,
all day I was going.

00:03:09.789 --> 00:03:12.792
(music)

00:03:12.825 --> 00:03:15.895
I just didn't really know
what to do next.

00:03:15.929 --> 00:03:18.298
(music)

00:03:18.331 --> 00:03:22.669
I hadn't really discussed
my attempt with people.

00:03:22.702 --> 00:03:26.706
It wasn't a thing that I could
talk to, like, my boss about.

00:03:26.739 --> 00:03:29.809
On bad days, I couldn't
call out depressed.

00:03:29.842 --> 00:03:32.645
(music)

00:03:32.679 --> 00:03:37.016
I started getting myself on
industry lists to go to shows,

00:03:37.050 --> 00:03:40.486
but it was getting to a point
where shooting rock stars

00:03:40.520 --> 00:03:42.522
wasn't fulfilling anymore.

00:03:42.555 --> 00:03:44.924
That was not filling my soul.

00:03:44.958 --> 00:03:46.626
(music)

00:03:46.659 --> 00:03:50.263
I started to look for
other people like me.

00:03:50.296 --> 00:03:51.698
I was kind of like,

00:03:51.731 --> 00:03:53.600
"Why do I feel like
I'm the only one?"

00:03:53.633 --> 00:03:56.703
I know that I hear
about suicide on TV.

00:03:56.736 --> 00:03:58.605
The 14-year-old teenager
committed suicide

00:03:58.638 --> 00:04:00.807
after the release
of an embarrassing video.

00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:04.377
Actor Robin Williams
is dead at the age of 63

00:04:04.410 --> 00:04:05.645
from an apparent suicide.

00:04:05.678 --> 00:04:08.348
How could you think
of killing yourself?

00:04:08.381 --> 00:04:09.782
We love you.

00:04:09.816 --> 00:04:11.784
What he did was selfish.

00:04:11.818 --> 00:04:13.820
I just can't imagine
things getting so messed up

00:04:13.853 --> 00:04:16.856
that you would consider
taking your own life.

00:04:16.889 --> 00:04:18.825
But where is everyone,
why am I the only one, like,

00:04:18.858 --> 00:04:20.627
"Yeah, that happened to me
and that sucked"?

00:04:20.660 --> 00:04:22.395
You know, when I grew up
in Brooklyn,

00:04:22.428 --> 00:04:23.896
nobody committed suicide.

00:04:23.930 --> 00:04:25.898
Everyone was too unhappy.

00:04:25.932 --> 00:04:27.000
(music)

00:04:27.033 --> 00:04:28.568
I decided that I would interview

00:04:28.601 --> 00:04:31.004
other attempt survivors
and get their stories,

00:04:31.037 --> 00:04:33.539
whatever they wanted to tell me.

00:04:33.573 --> 00:04:35.008
And then,
right after they told me,

00:04:35.041 --> 00:04:37.043
I would make a portrait.

00:04:37.076 --> 00:04:39.112
(rain pattering)

00:04:39.145 --> 00:04:40.980
I know you've been a model.

00:04:41.014 --> 00:04:43.750
- Yes, I have.
- A male model.

00:04:43.783 --> 00:04:45.818
A hair model.

00:04:45.852 --> 00:04:47.353
(music)

00:04:47.387 --> 00:04:49.055
(camera shutter clicking)

00:04:49.088 --> 00:04:57.088
(music)

00:05:00.933 --> 00:05:02.969
I love living out here.

00:05:04.404 --> 00:05:07.240
We see a bear once in a while.

00:05:07.273 --> 00:05:10.243
It's crazy.

00:05:10.276 --> 00:05:12.211
If it wasn't such
a long commute to work,

00:05:12.245 --> 00:05:14.914
I would live even further
into the woods.

00:05:14.947 --> 00:05:17.450
(car signal clicking)

00:05:17.483 --> 00:05:19.485
Play artist Cold Steel Crown.

00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:22.321
Playing the artist
Cold Steel Crown.

00:05:22.355 --> 00:05:30.355
(music)

00:05:44.944 --> 00:05:47.513
Tight.

00:05:47.547 --> 00:05:50.383
There was a part of me
that really liked

00:05:50.416 --> 00:05:52.185
those incredibly dark moments

00:05:52.218 --> 00:05:57.390
where I felt like nobody else
experiences things like I do.

00:05:57.423 --> 00:05:58.925
You know what I love about...

00:06:02.228 --> 00:06:04.263
Make it fear me

00:06:04.297 --> 00:06:07.934
The sky is falling

00:06:07.967 --> 00:06:10.903
But it's only on me

00:06:10.937 --> 00:06:12.038
(chuckles)

00:06:12.071 --> 00:06:13.406
I'm too old for it now.

00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:16.943
Stay still,
let it pass 'round me

00:06:16.976 --> 00:06:18.244
(music)

00:06:18.277 --> 00:06:20.546
The first time
I considered suicide,

00:06:20.580 --> 00:06:23.182
I was eight years old.

00:06:23.216 --> 00:06:26.652
I remember standing
in my kitchen

00:06:26.686 --> 00:06:29.021
and no one else was home,
I was there, and I was alone,

00:06:29.055 --> 00:06:31.224
I was very alone.

00:06:31.257 --> 00:06:33.192
And in the sink

00:06:33.226 --> 00:06:36.362
was this large chef's knife,

00:06:36.395 --> 00:06:38.397
and I kept thinking,
"What could it do to me?"

00:06:38.431 --> 00:06:42.401
I know what
it's capable of doing.

00:06:42.435 --> 00:06:45.304
It could make my life end.

00:06:45.338 --> 00:06:53.338
(music)

00:06:53.713 --> 00:06:55.648
At that time,
I was being molested

00:06:55.681 --> 00:06:59.952
and had been being molested
for a few years prior.

00:06:59.986 --> 00:07:01.754
(music)

00:07:01.788 --> 00:07:04.290
Most of the incidents occurred
in a crawl space

00:07:04.323 --> 00:07:06.259
beneath my house.

00:07:06.292 --> 00:07:10.029
There were times when I could
hear my family's footsteps

00:07:10.062 --> 00:07:13.232
on the floor above me
while it was going on.

00:07:13.266 --> 00:07:14.801
Nobody knew about it

00:07:14.834 --> 00:07:16.469
except for the kids
in the neighborhood

00:07:16.502 --> 00:07:18.004
and the kids
I went to school with,

00:07:18.037 --> 00:07:22.708
and at that age, I mean,
talk about ammo for bullying.

00:07:22.742 --> 00:07:23.709
(music)

00:07:23.743 --> 00:07:25.978
I just reached a point
where I stopped caring,

00:07:26.012 --> 00:07:28.514
I stopped believing.

00:07:28.548 --> 00:07:32.752
That's where my heart
broke for life.

00:07:32.785 --> 00:07:35.021
I didn't want to live life.

00:07:35.054 --> 00:07:38.658
(music)

00:07:38.691 --> 00:07:42.728
I sat on the edge of
a rented bed one night.

00:07:42.762 --> 00:07:46.432
I filled my body with pills
and I went to sleep...

00:07:46.465 --> 00:07:48.734
(music)

00:07:48.768 --> 00:07:51.971
and I had no intention
of waking up.

00:07:52.004 --> 00:07:55.675
(music)

00:07:55.708 --> 00:07:58.044
I remember my... my brother,

00:07:58.077 --> 00:08:02.415
on the third day that I was
in the intensive care unit,

00:08:02.448 --> 00:08:04.617
they were almost ready
to release me

00:08:04.650 --> 00:08:08.187
to a psychiatric hospital
for evaluation,

00:08:08.221 --> 00:08:12.959
and it was just my brother
and I in there alone.

00:08:12.992 --> 00:08:14.727
He was very quiet.

00:08:14.760 --> 00:08:17.430
We didn't know what to say,
and all of a sudden,

00:08:17.463 --> 00:08:20.700
he leans over to me and he says,

00:08:20.733 --> 00:08:23.436
"What's gonna make you
want to stay?"

00:08:23.469 --> 00:08:24.904
(music)

00:08:24.937 --> 00:08:28.908
I think the reason
that question hit me so hard

00:08:28.941 --> 00:08:32.278
was because I really
didn't have an answer.

00:08:32.311 --> 00:08:33.546
(music)

00:08:33.579 --> 00:08:36.082
(clanging)

00:08:42.455 --> 00:08:45.358
I had no idea

00:08:45.391 --> 00:08:48.160
when all this started,

00:08:48.194 --> 00:08:52.031
why he didn't talk about it.

00:08:52.064 --> 00:08:54.567
Maybe he was ashamed.

00:08:54.600 --> 00:08:56.402
I don't know what it was.

00:08:56.435 --> 00:08:58.971
I wish I had known.

00:08:59.005 --> 00:09:02.875
How come you always say
"rented bed"?

00:09:02.909 --> 00:09:04.110
Because I was paying rent.

00:09:04.143 --> 00:09:05.244
You're full of shit.

00:09:05.278 --> 00:09:06.479
No, I'm not full of shit.

00:09:06.512 --> 00:09:08.180
She didn't take a nickel
from you.

00:09:08.214 --> 00:09:09.515
I used my food stamps,

00:09:09.548 --> 00:09:11.317
I would give my food stamps
to her.

00:09:11.350 --> 00:09:14.186
- I never knew that.
- Yeah, that's why I say that,

00:09:14.220 --> 00:09:15.855
'cause it was like that.

00:09:15.888 --> 00:09:17.323
It wasn't my place, you know?

00:09:17.356 --> 00:09:19.592
- I never knew that.
- Yeah, yeah.

00:09:19.625 --> 00:09:21.961
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.

00:09:25.231 --> 00:09:26.666
Not blaming him, of course,

00:09:26.699 --> 00:09:29.669
but I wish he would've asked me

00:09:29.702 --> 00:09:32.672
or told me or something.

00:09:32.705 --> 00:09:35.374
(indistinct chatter)

00:09:35.408 --> 00:09:37.176
(music)

00:09:37.209 --> 00:09:39.679
He didn't.

00:09:39.712 --> 00:09:42.815
That darkness is
the only life I ever knew.

00:09:42.848 --> 00:09:44.917
I didn't know what it was like
to be confident.

00:09:44.951 --> 00:09:48.220
I didn't know what it was like
to think positively.

00:09:48.254 --> 00:09:51.524
I was very comfortable
in a place that was dark.

00:09:51.557 --> 00:09:53.059
(music)

00:09:53.092 --> 00:09:56.762
The morning I found him,
I got up early,

00:09:56.796 --> 00:10:00.232
I went to
a doctor's appointment,

00:10:00.266 --> 00:10:03.402
came back, he wasn't up yet,

00:10:03.436 --> 00:10:05.738
so I went up to wake him up.

00:10:05.771 --> 00:10:07.540
Knocked on his door a few times,

00:10:07.573 --> 00:10:09.875
he didn't answer,
so I open it up.

00:10:09.909 --> 00:10:12.611
He was laying in bed.

00:10:12.645 --> 00:10:14.580
Picked him up, tried to
wake him up, I couldn't.

00:10:14.613 --> 00:10:17.416
I yelled out to call 911.

00:10:17.450 --> 00:10:19.719
They came,
took him down to UMass.

00:10:19.752 --> 00:10:21.687
I went right behind him,
of course.

00:10:21.721 --> 00:10:24.423
(beeping)

00:10:27.059 --> 00:10:31.764
It's... that was... that was
the worst morning of my life.

00:10:33.666 --> 00:10:36.168
(beeping)

00:10:38.137 --> 00:10:40.639
Ah, shit.

00:10:40.673 --> 00:10:42.775
It's, like,
6:00 in the morning,

00:10:42.808 --> 00:10:46.712
and I'm trying to find a bridge

00:10:46.746 --> 00:10:50.750
or a wall or something
that I can get the, uh,

00:10:50.783 --> 00:10:53.252
get the picture
that I'm looking for.

00:10:53.285 --> 00:10:55.521
I definitely need
some kind of privacy

00:10:55.554 --> 00:10:57.690
'cause I don't want
people freaking out

00:10:57.723 --> 00:10:59.959
that there's a guy in a gas mask

00:10:59.992 --> 00:11:03.162
hanging out under a bridge
or something.

00:11:04.730 --> 00:11:07.633
I felt like a total failure.

00:11:07.666 --> 00:11:10.836
I didn't... what did I miss?

00:11:10.870 --> 00:11:14.240
How... how come I didn't see it?

00:11:16.542 --> 00:11:19.245
I was kicking my own ass
for a while.

00:11:19.278 --> 00:11:26.786
(music)

00:11:26.819 --> 00:11:29.121
All the nights
he went to bed crying

00:11:29.155 --> 00:11:31.424
and didn't want to go
to school the next day

00:11:31.457 --> 00:11:34.693
because he'd get his ass kicked.

00:11:34.727 --> 00:11:42.727
(music)

00:11:45.905 --> 00:11:48.240
That's the final round
doing something like that,

00:11:48.274 --> 00:11:50.576
and, you know, what the hell
pushed him to it?

00:11:50.609 --> 00:11:53.946
I had, you know?

00:11:53.979 --> 00:11:57.216
(music)

00:11:57.249 --> 00:12:01.087
It just scared
the hell out of ya.

00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:03.389
(beeping)

00:12:03.422 --> 00:12:06.725
(music)

00:12:06.759 --> 00:12:09.228
(camera shutter clicking)

00:12:09.261 --> 00:12:12.765
(music)

00:12:12.798 --> 00:12:17.069
Just because I care,
I used a washable marker

00:12:17.103 --> 00:12:21.107
and brought bleach
to clean it all up with.

00:12:21.140 --> 00:12:29.140
(music)

00:12:59.378 --> 00:13:04.116
Suicide is the tenth
leading cause of death.

00:13:04.150 --> 00:13:05.718
If we can't talk about it,

00:13:05.751 --> 00:13:07.453
we sure as heck can't
do something different

00:13:07.486 --> 00:13:09.922
or better about it.

00:13:09.955 --> 00:13:12.858
We lose 112 people every day.

00:13:12.892 --> 00:13:16.795
That's bigger than
a small jet airplane.

00:13:16.829 --> 00:13:18.864
And if we had one plane
falling out of the sky

00:13:18.898 --> 00:13:20.566
every single day,

00:13:20.599 --> 00:13:24.603
I guarantee you our country
would make it a priority.

00:13:24.637 --> 00:13:26.739
(indistinct chatter)

00:13:26.772 --> 00:13:29.241
(camera shutter clicking)

00:13:29.275 --> 00:13:31.477
(music)

00:13:31.510 --> 00:13:34.079
I couldn't stand to look
at myself in the mirror,

00:13:34.113 --> 00:13:37.983
and that certainly
stems from my sexuality.

00:13:38.017 --> 00:13:39.385
I thought I had to prove myself,

00:13:39.418 --> 00:13:43.389
to prove that I was not
just a total burden

00:13:43.422 --> 00:13:44.823
because I was gay.

00:13:44.857 --> 00:13:46.592
All right, we're almost done.

00:13:46.625 --> 00:13:50.396
I knew suicide was a topic
that people were so scared of.

00:13:50.429 --> 00:13:53.766
How do I pursue this in a way
that's not gonna be cliché

00:13:53.799 --> 00:13:57.603
or triggering or gory or gross?

00:13:57.636 --> 00:13:59.238
That's so cool.

00:13:59.271 --> 00:14:01.240
(music)

00:14:01.273 --> 00:14:04.810
A lot of the time,
I come across these people

00:14:04.843 --> 00:14:07.746
and they have never told
anyone their story.

00:14:07.780 --> 00:14:10.216
You know, unloading that
when it's something

00:14:10.249 --> 00:14:13.819
that you've been made
to feel shameful about

00:14:13.852 --> 00:14:16.088
is really powerful.

00:14:16.121 --> 00:14:19.225
My first attempt
was when I was 12.

00:14:19.258 --> 00:14:21.894
I know, now, as someone
who works with kids,

00:14:21.927 --> 00:14:23.862
any attempt that
a 12-year-old makes

00:14:23.896 --> 00:14:25.364
is a pretty serious attempt.

00:14:25.397 --> 00:14:28.834
A 12-year-old shouldn't have
thoughts like that.

00:14:28.867 --> 00:14:31.237
(music)

00:14:31.270 --> 00:14:34.974
Often, the photo
is the hardest part.

00:14:35.007 --> 00:14:38.210
Like, I just told you
the worst parts of my life,

00:14:38.244 --> 00:14:41.714
but now I have to stand here
in front of your camera.

00:14:41.747 --> 00:14:44.216
(camera shutter clicking)

00:14:44.250 --> 00:14:46.218
(music)

00:14:46.252 --> 00:14:48.387
There are so many different
kinds of people

00:14:48.420 --> 00:14:49.989
that I've interviewed.

00:14:50.022 --> 00:14:51.757
All different shapes and sizes

00:14:51.790 --> 00:14:54.693
and gender presentations
and sexualities

00:14:54.727 --> 00:14:57.596
and ethnicities and faiths.

00:14:57.630 --> 00:14:59.732
(music)

00:14:59.765 --> 00:15:01.267
When you're trying
to end your life,

00:15:01.300 --> 00:15:04.270
you are inevitably
going to be dying alone.

00:15:04.303 --> 00:15:06.205
And something kicked in
that said,

00:15:06.238 --> 00:15:08.440
"I don't want to be by myself.

00:15:08.474 --> 00:15:12.411
I just want somebody to know
that I'm in this extreme pain

00:15:12.444 --> 00:15:15.814
that can't seem to end."

00:15:15.848 --> 00:15:17.783
When people agree
to do these interviews,

00:15:17.816 --> 00:15:18.884
they know going in

00:15:18.917 --> 00:15:22.888
that I have also
attempted suicide.

00:15:22.921 --> 00:15:26.392
They know that
I'm not gonna judge them.

00:15:26.425 --> 00:15:29.061
(music)

00:15:29.094 --> 00:15:31.764
"She wasn't crazy,
but the world had a way

00:15:31.797 --> 00:15:33.799
of making her feel so.

00:15:33.832 --> 00:15:35.367
She liked the darkness,

00:15:35.401 --> 00:15:38.904
how it wrapped around her
like a warm, familiar blanket,

00:15:38.937 --> 00:15:40.839
spilled words from her lips

00:15:40.873 --> 00:15:43.208
like red wine on white carpets.

00:15:43.242 --> 00:15:46.412
She said whatever
the fuck she wanted.

00:15:46.445 --> 00:15:49.014
(music)

00:15:49.048 --> 00:15:52.351
They called her "Crazy K"
and it stuck.

00:15:52.384 --> 00:15:54.420
She wasn't crazy, just honest.

00:15:54.453 --> 00:15:57.156
She didn't want to live
'cause when your world ends

00:15:57.189 --> 00:15:59.224
but you're still alive,

00:15:59.258 --> 00:16:02.861
there's something crazy
about that."

00:16:02.895 --> 00:16:06.432
Hey, does this look exciting?

00:16:06.465 --> 00:16:09.134
Does it?

00:16:09.168 --> 00:16:11.537
Oh, my God, Atticus.

00:16:11.570 --> 00:16:13.706
(lip smacking)

00:16:13.739 --> 00:16:17.976
"She was 13 when she wrote
the first suicide note.

00:16:18.010 --> 00:16:20.346
It was on a Post-it.

00:16:20.379 --> 00:16:24.650
She wasn't crazy
but succinct as fuck."

00:16:28.020 --> 00:16:30.389
For Christmas, my mom decided

00:16:30.422 --> 00:16:32.558
that she would make me a collage

00:16:32.591 --> 00:16:36.528
of basically, like,
our entire lives together.

00:16:36.562 --> 00:16:39.264
I call her a lot
just to hear her voice,

00:16:39.298 --> 00:16:40.866
just to kind of be soothed

00:16:40.899 --> 00:16:43.802
that something is stable
in the world.

00:16:43.836 --> 00:16:45.170
Okay, so just do this and move?

00:16:45.204 --> 00:16:47.106
- Bring it, bring it over.
- Okay.

00:16:47.139 --> 00:16:48.640
- Shit.
- And there's a car.

00:16:48.674 --> 00:16:51.076
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

00:16:51.110 --> 00:16:53.011
There's a lot of stigma
and shame,

00:16:53.045 --> 00:16:55.247
especially in
the African-American community

00:16:55.280 --> 00:17:00.085
and, so, there was this, like,
you just have to be strong.

00:17:00.119 --> 00:17:03.822
But being cast
as a strong black woman,

00:17:03.856 --> 00:17:07.793
that almost led me to death.

00:17:07.826 --> 00:17:10.129
God, look at this posture.

00:17:10.162 --> 00:17:13.365
You know, ♪suicidesowhite?

00:17:14.967 --> 00:17:16.007
It's because it doesn't...

00:17:16.034 --> 00:17:18.904
- Can we?
- Can we, ♪suicidesowhite?

00:17:18.937 --> 00:17:20.105
Yeah.

00:17:20.139 --> 00:17:22.408
(bell ringing)

00:17:22.441 --> 00:17:24.676
You know,
I'm, like, a teenage girl

00:17:24.710 --> 00:17:25.844
and I'm telling my friends

00:17:25.878 --> 00:17:28.180
about not wanting to be around.

00:17:28.213 --> 00:17:30.015
When I'd say, like,
"I'm feeling really down,"

00:17:30.048 --> 00:17:32.718
they'd just be, like,
"Get over it."

00:17:32.751 --> 00:17:33.852
(music)

00:17:33.886 --> 00:17:36.822
The reaction of
the people around me

00:17:36.855 --> 00:17:39.825
was just, "Shut up."

00:17:39.858 --> 00:17:41.493
So, what I learned was,

00:17:41.527 --> 00:17:43.595
oh, I better not share
this with anyone.

00:17:43.629 --> 00:17:47.099
I better bury this
deep inside of myself

00:17:47.132 --> 00:17:50.068
and build this mask.

00:17:50.102 --> 00:17:52.237
And it's starting to get
really stressful

00:17:52.271 --> 00:17:53.939
and I'm still pretending
to be happy,

00:17:53.972 --> 00:17:55.841
but I'm suicidal and, you know,

00:17:55.874 --> 00:17:56.975
but I'm squishing it down

00:17:57.009 --> 00:17:58.911
and I'm doing all of this stuff.

00:17:58.944 --> 00:18:00.746
(music)

00:18:00.779 --> 00:18:02.881
And then I get raped.

00:18:02.915 --> 00:18:05.417
(music)

00:18:05.451 --> 00:18:08.520
I was raped by someone
that I knew,

00:18:08.554 --> 00:18:11.423
someone that I thought
was a friend.

00:18:11.457 --> 00:18:14.960
And I drove by, accidentally,

00:18:14.993 --> 00:18:17.262
my assailant's house.

00:18:17.296 --> 00:18:20.132
Once that happened,
I was like, "I got to go."

00:18:20.165 --> 00:18:21.934
You can't fake your way
out of this.

00:18:21.967 --> 00:18:23.969
You can't smile out of this.

00:18:24.002 --> 00:18:26.638
This is like the bottom.

00:18:26.672 --> 00:18:29.975
In that moment,
it just exploded,

00:18:30.008 --> 00:18:31.710
the mask, the pretending,
the lying,

00:18:31.743 --> 00:18:33.846
I was like, "I don't
fucking care anymore,

00:18:33.879 --> 00:18:35.814
I don't want to live."

00:18:35.848 --> 00:18:38.116
(music)

00:18:38.150 --> 00:18:43.021
All my mom could say was,
"Why, why, why, baby?"

00:18:43.055 --> 00:18:44.823
Anytime you attempt,
you first have to go

00:18:44.857 --> 00:18:46.291
to the, like, medical hospital

00:18:46.325 --> 00:18:48.894
where they, like, make sure
everything's okay.

00:18:48.927 --> 00:18:50.629
And I have this nurse tell me,

00:18:50.662 --> 00:18:54.900
"You know, don't let yourself
get raped again."

00:18:54.933 --> 00:18:56.435
I'm in a psych ward
and I'm like,

00:18:56.468 --> 00:19:00.973
"I want to react to this,
and you have power over me,

00:19:01.006 --> 00:19:02.007
and you think the helpful thing

00:19:02.040 --> 00:19:05.544
is to tell me
not to get raped again?"

00:19:05.577 --> 00:19:08.380
Meanwhile, we're watching, like,

00:19:08.413 --> 00:19:10.682
they're actually showing
Silence of the Lambs

00:19:10.716 --> 00:19:13.485
in the mental hospital,
and I'm like,

00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:15.220
I'm telling the nurses,
I'm like, "Do you guys think

00:19:15.254 --> 00:19:17.155
this is, like,
an appropriate movie choice?"

00:19:17.189 --> 00:19:18.290
You can't make that shit up.

00:19:18.323 --> 00:19:20.926
You can't make that shit up.

00:19:22.494 --> 00:19:24.263
What I learned from
being in the hospital

00:19:24.296 --> 00:19:27.132
was how never to be
in a hospital again.

00:19:27.165 --> 00:19:30.369
You know, there's still
ups and downs, I mean,

00:19:30.402 --> 00:19:32.671
you know, I find ways
through music,

00:19:32.704 --> 00:19:33.972
through my karaoke,

00:19:34.006 --> 00:19:37.976
through my poetry
to live better.

00:19:38.010 --> 00:19:40.779
It was a big smashing
this mask of

00:19:40.812 --> 00:19:44.683
I'm gonna make you laugh
and make you look that way.

00:19:44.716 --> 00:19:47.286
(laughing)

00:19:47.319 --> 00:19:49.454
Secrets made me sick.

00:19:49.488 --> 00:19:51.557
That's what I really
think about it.

00:19:51.590 --> 00:19:52.925
I want more of
your hand in that,

00:19:52.958 --> 00:19:53.959
but look at that shit.

00:19:53.992 --> 00:19:54.893
That's my face.

00:19:54.927 --> 00:19:56.562
Hey, it's okay.

00:19:56.595 --> 00:19:57.996
It's not bad.

00:19:58.030 --> 00:20:03.201
(music)

00:20:03.235 --> 00:20:06.104
Tell me your name,
how old you are,

00:20:06.138 --> 00:20:07.873
what you do,
and then your story,

00:20:07.906 --> 00:20:09.975
however you want to tell it.

00:20:10.008 --> 00:20:11.743
Leah Harris.

00:20:11.777 --> 00:20:14.279
I'm 39.

00:20:14.313 --> 00:20:16.715
Arlington, Virginia.

00:20:16.748 --> 00:20:21.053
And I'm a mental health
advocate...

00:20:21.086 --> 00:20:22.854
/activist.

00:20:22.888 --> 00:20:26.158
When I'm... when I'm grumpy,
I'm an activist.

00:20:26.191 --> 00:20:28.927
When I'm nice, I'm an advocate.

00:20:28.961 --> 00:20:30.596
Can everybody hear me?

00:20:30.629 --> 00:20:31.730
Yeah!

00:20:31.763 --> 00:20:35.634
My name is Leah Harris,
and I am a survivor.

00:20:35.667 --> 00:20:38.437
We survived and we must
celebrate that

00:20:38.470 --> 00:20:40.606
in the midst of the grief
and the rage

00:20:40.639 --> 00:20:44.843
for all who've lost
their lives and their dreams.

00:20:44.876 --> 00:20:47.546
I remember having
my first suicidal thoughts

00:20:47.579 --> 00:20:50.816
when I was probably seven.

00:20:50.849 --> 00:20:53.719
My mother really tried
her best as a single mom

00:20:53.752 --> 00:20:57.489
to raise me on her own,
but I'm a single parent

00:20:57.522 --> 00:21:01.727
and I'm doing pretty well,
and it's still hard.

00:21:01.760 --> 00:21:04.029
And just to imagine
what my mom went through

00:21:04.062 --> 00:21:07.299
trying to raise me.

00:21:07.332 --> 00:21:10.102
She was living on disability,

00:21:10.135 --> 00:21:12.771
diagnosed with schizophrenia.

00:21:12.804 --> 00:21:14.873
She would take herself
off the medication

00:21:14.906 --> 00:21:16.375
because it made her sleep,

00:21:16.408 --> 00:21:18.377
and who can, you know,
raise a child

00:21:18.410 --> 00:21:21.980
when you're sleeping
14 hours a day?

00:21:22.014 --> 00:21:23.415
(music)

00:21:23.448 --> 00:21:25.517
Eventually,
the court systems came in

00:21:25.550 --> 00:21:29.021
and I was taken away from her.

00:21:29.054 --> 00:21:30.489
(music)

00:21:30.522 --> 00:21:33.325
That was a rupture that changed

00:21:33.358 --> 00:21:35.527
the course of both of our lives.

00:21:35.560 --> 00:21:38.130
(music)

00:21:38.163 --> 00:21:43.435
She was institutionalized
until she died at age 46.

00:21:45.170 --> 00:21:46.605
My grandparents who raised me

00:21:46.638 --> 00:21:48.807
after I was taken away
from my mom,

00:21:48.840 --> 00:21:52.711
their mentality was,
you know, suck it up.

00:21:52.744 --> 00:21:53.845
I said, "It would
have been better

00:21:53.879 --> 00:21:56.682
if I'd never been born."

00:21:56.715 --> 00:21:59.484
My family obviously freaked out.

00:21:59.518 --> 00:22:03.555
So, I was shipped off
to a child psychiatrist

00:22:03.588 --> 00:22:06.091
and she would just kind of
peer at me from across a desk

00:22:06.124 --> 00:22:08.560
and show me inkblots.

00:22:08.593 --> 00:22:10.962
I had these sort of
existential questions

00:22:10.996 --> 00:22:14.433
that are sort of the questions
that the great philosophers

00:22:14.466 --> 00:22:16.868
have always asked,
like why are we here?

00:22:16.902 --> 00:22:18.770
Which, you know, if you're
like an old white man,

00:22:18.804 --> 00:22:21.373
that's considered,
you know, philosophy,

00:22:21.406 --> 00:22:25.877
but for me, it was
a sign of pathology.

00:22:25.911 --> 00:22:27.279
(music)

00:22:27.312 --> 00:22:30.048
I just always felt like
an alien, like a burden.

00:22:30.082 --> 00:22:33.318
I didn't know why I was here.

00:22:33.351 --> 00:22:35.387
(music)

00:22:35.420 --> 00:22:38.190
My family didn't
want me anymore.

00:22:38.223 --> 00:22:42.461
They placed me in a group home.

00:22:42.494 --> 00:22:44.262
And they said, "Yeah,
you're gonna have to be here

00:22:44.296 --> 00:22:45.297
for the rest of your life.

00:22:45.330 --> 00:22:48.600
You're severely disabled."

00:22:48.633 --> 00:22:51.269
I was terrified that
I was gonna go down

00:22:51.303 --> 00:22:53.705
my mother's path.

00:22:53.739 --> 00:22:55.774
I actually heard a doctor
say to my grandparents,

00:22:55.807 --> 00:22:57.609
"She has more than a 50% chance

00:22:57.642 --> 00:23:00.078
of ending up
like her parents."

00:23:00.112 --> 00:23:02.748
Like, every mistake I made
was a symptom of my illness

00:23:02.781 --> 00:23:04.583
rather than just,
like, I'm human.

00:23:04.616 --> 00:23:08.053
We're all gonna, like,
fuck up from time to time.

00:23:08.086 --> 00:23:12.924
(music)

00:23:12.958 --> 00:23:16.728
I begged my family
to let me come home.

00:23:16.762 --> 00:23:19.631
And I'm lucky that I had them.

00:23:19.664 --> 00:23:21.800
Turn your body a little bit
to the side here.

00:23:21.833 --> 00:23:24.336
Not everybody has a family
to come home to.

00:23:24.369 --> 00:23:26.004
Don't look so uncomfortable.

00:23:26.037 --> 00:23:28.507
Loose, loose, loose.

00:23:28.540 --> 00:23:32.210
Things kind of started
to shift for me then.

00:23:32.244 --> 00:23:34.179
I got my high school diploma.

00:23:34.212 --> 00:23:35.981
(music)

00:23:36.014 --> 00:23:38.917
I just started to have, like,
the smallest amount of hope.

00:23:38.950 --> 00:23:43.221
Look into my lens
so I can see your soul.

00:23:43.255 --> 00:23:46.324
(music)

00:23:46.358 --> 00:23:47.859
That's it.

00:23:47.893 --> 00:23:55.893
(music)

00:24:01.740 --> 00:24:03.642
It's sort of like
a mission for me

00:24:03.675 --> 00:24:07.212
to support others
who have been suicidal

00:24:07.245 --> 00:24:09.648
to become advocates.

00:24:09.681 --> 00:24:11.516
And Iden, like myself, is
somebody

00:24:11.550 --> 00:24:14.352
as somebody who really views
mental health

00:24:14.386 --> 00:24:17.122
as a social justice issue.

00:24:17.155 --> 00:24:20.292
As somebody that is not

00:24:20.325 --> 00:24:22.460
necessarily female or male,

00:24:22.494 --> 00:24:25.964
I've purposefully
worked really hard

00:24:25.997 --> 00:24:29.201
over the last four years
trying to stay here.

00:24:29.234 --> 00:24:32.204
The part of me that wants
to live is much stronger.

00:24:32.237 --> 00:24:36.308
You know, that balance was not
always so firm, you know?

00:24:36.341 --> 00:24:40.812
It was often skewed much more
towards wanting to die.

00:24:40.846 --> 00:24:45.116
Every trans person you meet
is an advocate.

00:24:45.150 --> 00:24:48.153
Like, they always say,
"All of us know each other."

00:24:48.186 --> 00:24:52.090
We all know each other
because we're all activists.

00:24:52.123 --> 00:24:55.026
Time magazine said
this is our tipping point.

00:24:55.060 --> 00:24:57.729
We have a hell of a lot
more work to do

00:24:57.762 --> 00:24:59.798
because all the laws
in the world

00:24:59.831 --> 00:25:04.469
will not make a difference
if half of us are dead.

00:25:04.502 --> 00:25:06.638
And that is what is happening.

00:25:06.671 --> 00:25:08.640
Trans rights are human rights!

00:25:08.673 --> 00:25:10.141
The violence that we experience,

00:25:10.175 --> 00:25:12.110
the discrimination,

00:25:12.143 --> 00:25:15.814
that's where these suicidal
thoughts are coming from.

00:25:15.847 --> 00:25:19.184
Because we know that it's
literally life or death for us,

00:25:19.217 --> 00:25:22.187
that fire is huge.

00:25:22.220 --> 00:25:23.722
(music)

00:25:23.755 --> 00:25:25.824
All right, I think
this is the last question.

00:25:25.857 --> 00:25:28.660
Is suicide still
an option for you?

00:25:28.693 --> 00:25:30.996
When I became a mother,

00:25:31.029 --> 00:25:33.565
I just sort of
took it off the table,

00:25:33.598 --> 00:25:35.500
you know, for me, as an option.

00:25:35.533 --> 00:25:36.801
You know, I don't know
that I'll ever be cured

00:25:36.835 --> 00:25:38.536
of having suicidal feelings

00:25:38.570 --> 00:25:40.872
and I don't know
that I need to be,

00:25:40.906 --> 00:25:43.775
but I do know that, you know,

00:25:43.808 --> 00:25:47.245
I want to be there
to see my son grow up.

00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:49.414
That's really important to me.

00:25:49.447 --> 00:25:55.153
(music)

00:25:55.186 --> 00:25:56.922
Hello?

00:25:56.955 --> 00:25:59.090
(music)

00:26:00.625 --> 00:26:02.627
Are you gonna enjoy this,
me following you around

00:26:02.661 --> 00:26:03.862
with a camera all the time?

00:26:03.895 --> 00:26:06.031
I really like watching you
be cross-eyed

00:26:06.064 --> 00:26:07.966
as you look at the camera
in your hand.

00:26:07.999 --> 00:26:09.434
Am I cross-eyed?

00:26:09.467 --> 00:26:11.970
(laughing)

00:26:14.105 --> 00:26:16.174
Okay, goodbye.

00:26:16.207 --> 00:26:18.109
Des and I met on OkCupid.

00:26:18.143 --> 00:26:20.812
I was looking for someone
who would be really fun

00:26:20.845 --> 00:26:24.482
and easy and did not look like
they wanted a relationship,

00:26:24.516 --> 00:26:27.686
and I saw her profile
and it was really...

00:26:27.719 --> 00:26:29.054
fucked up.

00:26:29.087 --> 00:26:30.822
It was basically like,
"I've been through

00:26:30.855 --> 00:26:32.724
this terrible divorce,

00:26:32.757 --> 00:26:36.828
um, I don't want anything
to do with a relationship,

00:26:36.861 --> 00:26:39.664
and if you can't talk
about suicide with me

00:26:39.698 --> 00:26:42.100
in an academic way,
then don't even bother."

00:26:42.133 --> 00:26:45.937
I was like, "Who is
this insane person

00:26:45.971 --> 00:26:49.007
with a rat on her shoulder
in the profile picture?"

00:26:49.040 --> 00:26:51.710
Ah, the rat.

00:26:51.743 --> 00:26:54.012
This is our mausoleum cubby.

00:26:54.045 --> 00:26:55.347
(music)

00:26:55.380 --> 00:26:57.115
This is the rat's box.

00:26:57.148 --> 00:26:58.750
(music)

00:26:58.783 --> 00:27:02.854
This is my dad,
he's at the beach.

00:27:02.887 --> 00:27:04.856
And the rat's in her box.

00:27:04.889 --> 00:27:07.158
I really wanted to date
the rat on OkCupid.

00:27:07.192 --> 00:27:09.494
I would, she's hot.

00:27:09.527 --> 00:27:11.296
She's dead.

00:27:11.329 --> 00:27:13.264
One of the major challenges
of being with somebody

00:27:13.298 --> 00:27:14.599
who has a mental illness

00:27:14.632 --> 00:27:17.035
is that you are worrying
for their well-being

00:27:17.068 --> 00:27:18.603
and if they will
harm themselves,

00:27:18.636 --> 00:27:19.904
in addition to worrying
for them,

00:27:19.938 --> 00:27:22.741
like, just as a person.

00:27:22.774 --> 00:27:24.009
We're always talking about,
like,

00:27:24.042 --> 00:27:25.844
how do we stop it
from escalating?

00:27:25.877 --> 00:27:29.180
And I think that's common
to any relationship.

00:27:29.214 --> 00:27:31.750
(music)

00:27:31.783 --> 00:27:34.886
It is literally
a life-and-death struggle.

00:27:34.919 --> 00:27:37.155
I want to live,
but I'm very well aware

00:27:37.188 --> 00:27:38.790
of the fact that
there's this thing

00:27:38.823 --> 00:27:41.760
that's always going
to be plaguing me.

00:27:41.793 --> 00:27:44.929
Our landlord raised the rent
a hundred dollars.

00:27:44.963 --> 00:27:49.034
We're gonna end up,
like, having to move, uh...

00:27:49.067 --> 00:27:50.135
(music)

00:27:50.168 --> 00:27:54.139
a train stop away every time...

00:27:54.172 --> 00:27:56.608
until suicide starts
paying the bills.

00:27:56.641 --> 00:27:57.976
Look, I got into
this relationship

00:27:58.009 --> 00:28:00.979
because I was hitching my wagon
to your suicide star,

00:28:01.012 --> 00:28:03.081
like I don't understand
why it's not happening yet.

00:28:03.114 --> 00:28:06.384
I remember that,
my suicide star.

00:28:06.418 --> 00:28:08.553
(music)

00:28:08.586 --> 00:28:11.256
Today is Easter Sunday,

00:28:11.289 --> 00:28:13.058
and I'm kind of
in a springtime mood,

00:28:13.091 --> 00:28:14.859
feeling good, feeling happy.

00:28:14.893 --> 00:28:15.894
I want to break the cycle of

00:28:15.927 --> 00:28:16.995
all the dark, creepy photography

00:28:17.028 --> 00:28:18.296
that I've been doing lately

00:28:18.329 --> 00:28:21.499
and put in some flowers
and things like that.

00:28:21.533 --> 00:28:22.834
Make sure they're backlit
by the sun

00:28:22.867 --> 00:28:25.470
and then I just spray
some water on 'em

00:28:25.503 --> 00:28:27.806
while I photograph it.

00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:29.974
So, hopefully,
you'll like the photos

00:28:30.008 --> 00:28:33.611
and find it a little more upbeat

00:28:33.645 --> 00:28:35.814
than some of the gas mask stuff.

00:28:35.847 --> 00:28:37.348
I go first.

00:28:37.382 --> 00:28:38.349
Yeah, I'm...

00:28:38.383 --> 00:28:39.717
All right, Emma, ready?

00:28:39.751 --> 00:28:43.188
Put your hand on a blue star.

00:28:43.221 --> 00:28:44.522
Blue star.

00:28:44.556 --> 00:28:46.091
Tomorrow, mainly sunny skies.

00:28:46.124 --> 00:28:49.527
It'll jump up nicely
to around 72 in the afternoon.

00:28:49.561 --> 00:28:51.563
Suicide.

00:28:51.596 --> 00:28:52.831
(music)

00:28:52.864 --> 00:28:54.933
Suicide, the way
I can describe it to you

00:28:54.966 --> 00:28:59.003
is it was the first thought
in my mind every single day.

00:29:00.605 --> 00:29:01.773
It was my option,

00:29:01.806 --> 00:29:04.509
it was my solution
to everything.

00:29:04.542 --> 00:29:05.743
(music)

00:29:05.777 --> 00:29:08.012
I really, really want
to change people.

00:29:08.046 --> 00:29:10.748
I want to change the way
people think.

00:29:10.782 --> 00:29:12.550
I want them to leave that room
totally changed

00:29:12.584 --> 00:29:15.587
and think of suicide
in a completely different way.

00:29:15.620 --> 00:29:16.888
- That's hard.
- It's very hard,

00:29:16.921 --> 00:29:19.791
but sometimes
I do it really well

00:29:19.824 --> 00:29:21.926
and everybody's moved,
and there's other times

00:29:21.960 --> 00:29:25.830
when there's a guy
in the back nodding off.

00:29:25.864 --> 00:29:27.932
The pressure is unreal.

00:29:27.966 --> 00:29:29.734
I think why that's hard
for me to understand

00:29:29.767 --> 00:29:32.937
is because you like it,
so it's hard for me...

00:29:32.971 --> 00:29:35.874
Yeah, that is really weird,
I don't know.

00:29:35.907 --> 00:29:37.742
I don't have an explanation
for that.

00:29:37.775 --> 00:29:39.844
Yeah.

00:29:39.878 --> 00:29:41.913
We were together
for almost five years

00:29:41.946 --> 00:29:44.816
before we had kids.

00:29:44.849 --> 00:29:46.851
I just remember thinking
how nervous he seemed

00:29:46.885 --> 00:29:48.119
and how cute he was,

00:29:48.153 --> 00:29:51.523
and he told me everything
that first night

00:29:51.556 --> 00:29:52.924
about who he was
and his history,

00:29:52.957 --> 00:29:56.661
and it was refreshing,
the honesty.

00:29:56.694 --> 00:29:58.796
(music)

00:29:58.830 --> 00:30:00.031
I can't tell you how many times

00:30:00.064 --> 00:30:02.901
I was asked the question
if I wanted to die,

00:30:02.934 --> 00:30:04.669
but no one ever,

00:30:04.702 --> 00:30:08.439
not once was I asked
if I wanted to live.

00:30:08.473 --> 00:30:11.142
Saying, "Yes, I want to live,"
that's up at the ceiling.

00:30:11.176 --> 00:30:12.844
Saying, "No,
I don't want to die,"

00:30:12.877 --> 00:30:15.113
just means that I'm still
that eight-year-old kid

00:30:15.146 --> 00:30:16.781
laying on the kitchen floor

00:30:16.814 --> 00:30:20.185
with a knife
next to me, sobbing.

00:30:20.218 --> 00:30:23.855
I went to get my hair cut,
and the woman cutting my hair,

00:30:23.888 --> 00:30:25.823
she said, "Do you have
any plans for the weekend?"

00:30:25.857 --> 00:30:27.692
I said, "Oh, yeah,
I'm giving a talk.

00:30:27.725 --> 00:30:30.061
It's about a suicide attempt
that I had."

00:30:30.094 --> 00:30:31.896
(music)

00:30:31.930 --> 00:30:33.898
I could see her in the mirror
and she just froze up

00:30:33.932 --> 00:30:35.500
and got really, really numb.

00:30:35.533 --> 00:30:37.735
And she started talking
about it a little more,

00:30:37.769 --> 00:30:38.970
and she's cutting my hair,

00:30:39.003 --> 00:30:40.271
and she started talking
about it a little more,

00:30:40.305 --> 00:30:42.040
and I could see
the release on her

00:30:42.073 --> 00:30:44.042
as she kept cutting my hair.

00:30:44.075 --> 00:30:47.512
She ended up cutting my hair,
I think, four full times,

00:30:47.545 --> 00:30:51.916
to the point that I was like,
"Can... I can't go any shorter.

00:30:51.950 --> 00:30:53.818
Can you please stop?"

00:30:53.851 --> 00:30:55.353
(music)

00:30:55.386 --> 00:30:57.355
And, then, she said,

00:30:57.388 --> 00:31:01.793
"I had an uncle
that died by suicide."

00:31:01.826 --> 00:31:03.194
You know, the reason
it gets to where it is

00:31:03.228 --> 00:31:06.331
is because we don't
talk about it.

00:31:06.364 --> 00:31:08.233
(music)

00:31:08.266 --> 00:31:10.235
To say,
"I'm an attempt survivor,"

00:31:10.268 --> 00:31:14.706
even say the word "suicide"
is a record stopper.

00:31:14.739 --> 00:31:18.643
(music)

00:31:18.676 --> 00:31:20.011
A snow picture.

00:31:20.044 --> 00:31:21.846
We got us a bag of markers.

00:31:21.879 --> 00:31:23.381
Awesome.

00:31:23.414 --> 00:31:26.284
Fatherhood is, to me,

00:31:26.317 --> 00:31:28.720
the most difficult thing
I've ever experienced

00:31:28.753 --> 00:31:29.988
in my entire life.

00:31:30.021 --> 00:31:32.056
(sing-song notes)

00:31:32.090 --> 00:31:34.659
It destroys
my self-confidence.

00:31:34.692 --> 00:31:37.362
(music)

00:31:37.395 --> 00:31:40.665
And I have these huge
fears that I'm gonna have

00:31:40.698 --> 00:31:41.966
a negative impact on their life

00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:44.269
because I'm not
raising them correctly.

00:31:44.302 --> 00:31:48.940
(music)

00:31:48.973 --> 00:31:50.675
He wants so much to be
the perfect father,

00:31:50.708 --> 00:31:52.977
but because of his job,

00:31:53.011 --> 00:31:54.679
and all the work
he does with prevention,

00:31:54.712 --> 00:31:56.681
he's not around a lot.

00:31:56.714 --> 00:31:57.849
Often, even on the weekends,

00:31:57.882 --> 00:32:01.119
sometimes he doesn't
leave the bedroom.

00:32:01.152 --> 00:32:02.587
It hits me because
I've heard of that,

00:32:02.620 --> 00:32:04.389
you know, growing up
I know about people that say,

00:32:04.422 --> 00:32:05.923
"Oh, yeah, you know,
they never leave the room."

00:32:05.957 --> 00:32:07.325
Like, oh, gosh.

00:32:07.358 --> 00:32:08.760
And then that...

00:32:08.793 --> 00:32:10.628
Somehow that's
how my life became.

00:32:10.662 --> 00:32:18.662
(music)

00:32:22.940 --> 00:32:25.243
This is a letter
I got from some girl.

00:32:25.276 --> 00:32:27.879
I think she's 14 years old.

00:32:27.912 --> 00:32:29.614
This is what she
wrote on the front.

00:32:30.948 --> 00:32:33.818
She had a plan,
and now she doesn't wanna die,

00:32:33.851 --> 00:32:35.520
and she's gonna go get help.

00:32:37.221 --> 00:32:40.024
It's important to me that
I tell you the whole story,

00:32:40.058 --> 00:32:41.698
I made that decision
when I wrote the book

00:32:41.726 --> 00:32:46.397
and decided to come forward
as an attempt survivor.

00:32:46.431 --> 00:32:48.066
When I was writing, I was there.

00:32:48.099 --> 00:32:50.902
I had times when I had
tears in my eyes for hours

00:32:50.935 --> 00:32:52.804
while I wrote as fast
as my fingers

00:32:52.837 --> 00:32:55.239
would go across the board.

00:32:55.273 --> 00:32:57.475
I never knew he was
writing a book

00:32:57.508 --> 00:32:59.677
until he wrote the book,
until afterwards.

00:32:59.711 --> 00:33:01.913
He didn't tell anybody.

00:33:01.946 --> 00:33:02.914
When you going to Atlanta?

00:33:02.947 --> 00:33:04.582
Going to Atlanta in April.

00:33:04.615 --> 00:33:08.586
I'm driving down to American
Association of Suicidology's

00:33:08.619 --> 00:33:11.723
national conference,
I'm speaking on a panel there.

00:33:11.756 --> 00:33:16.227
He's got a second chance,
and he is definitely using it.

00:33:16.260 --> 00:33:18.396
Yeah, he ain't
sitting home, saying,

00:33:18.429 --> 00:33:20.465
"Hey, I'll never
do that again."

00:33:20.498 --> 00:33:23.634
He's telling other people
not to do it,

00:33:23.668 --> 00:33:27.505
'cause you might not
get a second chance.

00:33:27.538 --> 00:33:30.408
It's been a very,
very long journey,

00:33:30.441 --> 00:33:34.779
and I believe wholeheartedly
that I've achieved balance.

00:33:34.812 --> 00:33:37.915
As a writer, as a speaker,

00:33:37.949 --> 00:33:39.917
as a husband, as a daddy...

00:33:39.951 --> 00:33:41.919
(audience giggles)

00:33:41.953 --> 00:33:44.655
(crying)

00:33:44.689 --> 00:33:46.023
What happened,
what happened, what happened?

00:33:46.057 --> 00:33:47.959
Emma bit me!

00:33:47.992 --> 00:33:49.260
What?

00:33:49.293 --> 00:33:50.862
(crying)

00:33:50.895 --> 00:33:52.897
(water running)

00:33:52.930 --> 00:33:59.871
(music)

00:33:59.904 --> 00:34:02.807
This is the time
that I have to kind of

00:34:02.840 --> 00:34:04.942
take a moment
and just be with myself,

00:34:04.976 --> 00:34:07.478
and take care of me.

00:34:07.512 --> 00:34:15.512
(music)

00:34:17.688 --> 00:34:19.891
When he's upset and sometimes
needs to go for a drive,

00:34:19.924 --> 00:34:23.194
I never worry that
he won't come back.

00:34:23.227 --> 00:34:25.830
I think he's much
stronger than he lets on.

00:34:25.863 --> 00:34:29.100
(music)

00:34:29.133 --> 00:34:30.735
"In the grip of feeble hands,

00:34:30.768 --> 00:34:32.203
through a veil of hazy eyes,

00:34:32.236 --> 00:34:33.838
your colors swirl in silence

00:34:33.871 --> 00:34:35.706
beneath a ghostly rise.

00:34:35.740 --> 00:34:38.776
Embrace me in your warmth
as we bid farewell tonight,

00:34:38.810 --> 00:34:42.480
and kiss my weary lips
to bring me back to life."

00:34:42.513 --> 00:34:44.415
Most people think
when they read this

00:34:44.449 --> 00:34:46.551
that it's about losing somebody.

00:34:48.019 --> 00:34:51.722
I actually wrote this
about, um...

00:34:51.756 --> 00:34:53.958
my coffee.

00:34:53.991 --> 00:34:56.961
So... that's one
of my favorites.

00:34:56.994 --> 00:34:58.396
(chuckles)

00:34:58.429 --> 00:34:59.764
(music)

00:34:59.797 --> 00:35:02.266
Not every story
has to be shiny and happy,

00:35:02.300 --> 00:35:03.701
and that's not reality.

00:35:03.734 --> 00:35:07.171
But people do go through
their ups and downs,

00:35:07.205 --> 00:35:09.841
and you can come back from this.

00:35:09.874 --> 00:35:11.108
You just want me to talk?

00:35:11.142 --> 00:35:12.310
Just talk, yeah.

00:35:12.343 --> 00:35:14.812
We'll figure it out, it's fine.

00:35:14.846 --> 00:35:18.316
There are parts of me...

00:35:18.349 --> 00:35:20.384
of which I'm glad I'm alive,

00:35:20.418 --> 00:35:21.853
but there's many parts of me

00:35:21.886 --> 00:35:24.222
that I really wish I wasn't.

00:35:24.255 --> 00:35:25.690
I don't know if I'm really safe,

00:35:25.723 --> 00:35:27.925
I don't know if I'm
out of the woods yet.

00:35:27.959 --> 00:35:29.460
When was your last attempt?

00:35:29.494 --> 00:35:32.463
Two and a half years ago.

00:35:32.497 --> 00:35:37.502
I have two really amazing kids.

00:35:37.535 --> 00:35:40.771
That's the reason
I'm still alive.

00:35:40.805 --> 00:35:42.840
(sighs)

00:35:42.874 --> 00:35:43.875
Isn't that what those are for?

00:35:43.908 --> 00:35:46.344
Yeah, exactly.

00:35:46.377 --> 00:35:47.845
To irritate you
and keep you alive?

00:35:47.879 --> 00:35:49.780
Yeah, dammit.

00:35:53.050 --> 00:35:54.919
Such a stud.

00:35:54.952 --> 00:35:55.920
Me and my perfect shot.

00:35:55.953 --> 00:35:57.188
All right.

00:36:00.091 --> 00:36:01.159
I mean, when you first told me,

00:36:01.192 --> 00:36:02.860
I was just...

00:36:02.894 --> 00:36:05.630
I was super... I was incredibly
shocked to begin with.

00:36:05.663 --> 00:36:06.964
Like, thinking of
taking your own life,

00:36:06.998 --> 00:36:09.467
that's... that's scary
and sad,

00:36:09.500 --> 00:36:12.770
and shouldn't happen, you know?

00:36:14.005 --> 00:36:15.206
I'm sorry.

00:36:15.239 --> 00:36:16.574
I mean, like, hearing that,

00:36:16.607 --> 00:36:19.644
it definitely made my
heart drop, and like...

00:36:19.677 --> 00:36:22.547
I just can't even imagine
without you in my life.

00:36:22.580 --> 00:36:24.382
Don't even want
to think about it.

00:36:24.415 --> 00:36:27.385
But I know I need to.

00:36:27.418 --> 00:36:32.290
I never, ever would want
to leave you or hurt you.

00:36:34.559 --> 00:36:37.228
I don't know.

00:36:37.261 --> 00:36:39.363
I'm really glad
you did tell me this.

00:36:39.397 --> 00:36:41.699
I think you're stronger
than I did before

00:36:41.732 --> 00:36:46.504
because you were going out,
reaching out and telling me.

00:36:46.537 --> 00:36:47.872
Like, I want to be there for you

00:36:47.905 --> 00:36:49.941
if you need help.

00:36:49.974 --> 00:36:57.974
(music)

00:37:03.087 --> 00:37:06.257
I wanna wake up
and see the day and go,

00:37:06.290 --> 00:37:08.893
"Oh, it's a new day,
this is awesome."

00:37:08.926 --> 00:37:11.062
This is what I want.

00:37:11.095 --> 00:37:12.763
(shutter clicks)

00:37:12.797 --> 00:37:13.965
You look good, girl.

00:37:13.998 --> 00:37:16.167
Thank you so much.

00:37:16.200 --> 00:37:18.436
(shutter clicks)

00:37:18.469 --> 00:37:21.205
Since I've come out
with my story,

00:37:21.238 --> 00:37:22.740
I want to do everything I can

00:37:22.773 --> 00:37:24.375
to share that more,

00:37:24.408 --> 00:37:27.478
and I am about to start working

00:37:27.511 --> 00:37:29.914
the Suicide Crisis Line.

00:37:29.947 --> 00:37:33.184
(phone rings)

00:37:33.217 --> 00:37:35.152
Suicide Prevention
Center Crisis Line.

00:37:35.186 --> 00:37:36.887
So, sir, if you'd like,
I can give you...

00:37:36.921 --> 00:37:39.256
So, you lost your job
and your girlfriend,

00:37:39.290 --> 00:37:41.192
that's pretty rough.

00:37:41.225 --> 00:37:42.560
How have you been handling that?

00:37:42.593 --> 00:37:44.261
I just want to know how
I can help you.

00:37:44.295 --> 00:37:46.931
You're trying to reach out
and get some support

00:37:46.964 --> 00:37:48.833
before it gets worse, huh?

00:37:48.866 --> 00:37:50.635
Do you have a plan
of how you would do it?

00:37:50.668 --> 00:37:53.237
Sounds like you really
need somebody to talk to.

00:37:53.270 --> 00:37:55.606
Talk about how to keep
yourself safe...

00:37:55.640 --> 00:37:59.610
What we have to do
is help people feel

00:37:59.644 --> 00:38:02.146
safe and comfortable
to talk about something

00:38:02.179 --> 00:38:03.881
that scares
the hell out of them.

00:38:05.216 --> 00:38:06.717
And if somebody
can connect with you

00:38:06.751 --> 00:38:08.886
in that moment where
you're feeling like

00:38:08.919 --> 00:38:10.788
there's no reason to live,

00:38:10.821 --> 00:38:13.891
that takes them out
of the aloneness.

00:38:13.924 --> 00:38:16.227
And the moment that
they're not feeling alone,

00:38:16.260 --> 00:38:18.162
they're already safer
than they were

00:38:18.195 --> 00:38:20.097
before they spoke with you.

00:38:20.131 --> 00:38:22.833
(speaking Spanish)

00:38:26.404 --> 00:38:27.605
She's fine?

00:38:27.638 --> 00:38:29.407
- Ended up well?
- I think so.

00:38:29.440 --> 00:38:31.542
I just had to make sure
that you have the support

00:38:31.575 --> 00:38:34.078
that you needed for that.

00:38:34.111 --> 00:38:35.913
You know, not everybody
can do this.

00:38:35.946 --> 00:38:37.982
A lot of people care,
but it's sometimes

00:38:38.015 --> 00:38:40.217
really difficult
to put that care

00:38:40.251 --> 00:38:43.888
and that passion
and compassion into, um,

00:38:43.921 --> 00:38:45.589
the right kind of skill set
to talk to people

00:38:45.623 --> 00:38:47.224
who are thinking about suicide.

00:38:47.258 --> 00:38:50.261
(music)

00:38:50.294 --> 00:38:52.963
Brandon.

00:38:52.997 --> 00:38:54.765
Brandon was one of our own.

00:38:54.799 --> 00:38:56.567
He was a very,
very good counselor.

00:38:56.600 --> 00:38:59.403
I think he saved many lives.

00:38:59.437 --> 00:39:01.238
How long has it been
since you've had any

00:39:01.272 --> 00:39:02.740
kind of psychiatric help?

00:39:02.773 --> 00:39:05.242
This was his way of
staying alive, I think,

00:39:05.276 --> 00:39:06.777
for a number of years.

00:39:06.811 --> 00:39:08.079
Are you calling us
because you're having

00:39:08.112 --> 00:39:10.247
thoughts of killing yourself?

00:39:10.281 --> 00:39:12.650
Brandon was the only
shift supervisor

00:39:12.683 --> 00:39:15.820
I've ever had who had groupies.

00:39:15.853 --> 00:39:17.822
(speaking Spanish)

00:39:17.855 --> 00:39:23.027
(music)

00:39:23.060 --> 00:39:26.397
When Brandon and I started
spending time together,

00:39:26.430 --> 00:39:29.967
it was like he got me
in a way that nobody else

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:31.736
understood me.

00:39:31.769 --> 00:39:34.872
(music)

00:39:34.905 --> 00:39:36.540
That was him.

00:39:36.574 --> 00:39:39.710
When he was happy,
he seemed like he was...

00:39:39.744 --> 00:39:40.945
damn happy!

00:39:40.978 --> 00:39:42.847
(laughs)

00:39:42.880 --> 00:39:45.716
(music)

00:39:45.750 --> 00:39:50.087
This was his home
for the last 10 years

00:39:50.121 --> 00:39:52.423
of his life, was here.

00:39:52.456 --> 00:39:54.892
(plays piano)

00:39:54.925 --> 00:40:02.925
(music)

00:40:13.377 --> 00:40:14.311
Anyway...

00:40:14.345 --> 00:40:15.846
that's like the gist of it.

00:40:15.880 --> 00:40:20.785
(music)

00:40:20.818 --> 00:40:24.789
Don't wanna see the light

00:40:24.822 --> 00:40:28.526
'Cause I don't feel any light

00:40:28.559 --> 00:40:29.994
He was a rock star.

00:40:30.027 --> 00:40:31.095
Anymore

00:40:31.128 --> 00:40:33.264
And that's when he
grew his hair really long

00:40:33.297 --> 00:40:35.666
so he looked like a rock star.

00:40:35.699 --> 00:40:38.836
Don't wanna wake up anymore

00:40:38.869 --> 00:40:41.806
He was such a goofball
that it didn't at all fit

00:40:41.839 --> 00:40:44.208
with the intensity of the times

00:40:44.241 --> 00:40:46.110
when he was on the phone with me

00:40:46.143 --> 00:40:47.444
threatening to kill himself

00:40:47.478 --> 00:40:49.847
if I got off the phone with him.

00:40:49.880 --> 00:40:53.017
And maybe...

00:40:53.050 --> 00:40:58.022
I shouldn't say goodbye,
but it seems the time (music)

00:40:58.055 --> 00:40:59.690
(music)

00:40:59.723 --> 00:41:01.225
One day he called me,

00:41:01.258 --> 00:41:02.660
and I went over to his house,

00:41:02.693 --> 00:41:05.796
and he was in a really,
really crazy state.

00:41:08.232 --> 00:41:09.667
He wouldn't look me in the eye,

00:41:09.700 --> 00:41:11.836
he was just pacing
back and forth

00:41:11.869 --> 00:41:15.239
kind of shaking and fidgeting.

00:41:15.272 --> 00:41:19.810
He turned to this door,
and I remember this so vividly.

00:41:19.844 --> 00:41:21.679
He started banging
his head against

00:41:21.712 --> 00:41:24.281
the large glass door.

00:41:24.315 --> 00:41:26.183
(music)

00:41:26.217 --> 00:41:28.052
I'm a junior in high school
that's never dealt

00:41:28.085 --> 00:41:29.486
with anything like this.

00:41:29.520 --> 00:41:32.323
(music)

00:41:32.356 --> 00:41:34.758
Six months later,
an episode like that

00:41:34.792 --> 00:41:39.330
would not have seemed
unusual to me at all.

00:41:39.363 --> 00:41:41.599
The days of looking
at a phone ringing

00:41:41.632 --> 00:41:43.767
and you can see the caller ID,

00:41:43.801 --> 00:41:44.902
and I remember
specifically thinking,

00:41:44.935 --> 00:41:46.537
"Gosh, I should
be answering the phone,

00:41:46.570 --> 00:41:48.372
but I just... I can't do it."

00:41:48.405 --> 00:41:54.979
(music)

00:41:55.012 --> 00:41:59.550
This is a place that it was
kind of his inner sanctum.

00:41:59.583 --> 00:42:01.352
It was both his live space

00:42:01.385 --> 00:42:02.887
and his work space.

00:42:02.920 --> 00:42:06.390
(strums guitar)

00:42:06.423 --> 00:42:08.425
And to be, you know,
invited up here

00:42:08.459 --> 00:42:11.395
was like to be...

00:42:11.428 --> 00:42:13.931
to be invited into
his heart, in a way.

00:42:13.964 --> 00:42:19.136
(music)

00:42:19.169 --> 00:42:23.007
This wasn't lyrics,
as far as I know.

00:42:23.040 --> 00:42:27.912
This was just kind of,
I think, something that...

00:42:27.945 --> 00:42:29.980
nobody really wanted
to question him

00:42:30.014 --> 00:42:31.982
too much about.

00:42:32.016 --> 00:42:34.818
Asking him,
"Are you suicidal?"

00:42:34.852 --> 00:42:37.821
I couldn't ask him
that early on.

00:42:37.855 --> 00:42:40.391
I couldn't even face that.

00:42:40.424 --> 00:42:42.192
There was really that side of me

00:42:42.226 --> 00:42:44.795
that this is all gonna end,

00:42:44.828 --> 00:42:46.463
he's gonna be okay.

00:42:46.497 --> 00:42:54.497
(music)

00:42:56.907 --> 00:42:59.143
In his writings,
I came across something

00:42:59.176 --> 00:43:03.447
that said, "The voices
are quiet now,

00:43:03.480 --> 00:43:06.517
I'm not upset anymore."

00:43:06.550 --> 00:43:11.689
(music)

00:43:11.722 --> 00:43:12.890
(thunder, rain pelting)

00:43:12.923 --> 00:43:16.193
I woke up
and it was pouring rain.

00:43:16.226 --> 00:43:18.629
(music)

00:43:18.662 --> 00:43:21.398
He walked by me outside,
he's coming home,

00:43:21.432 --> 00:43:24.368
and he says,
"I'm going to sleep."

00:43:24.401 --> 00:43:28.572
He was just like going
these long days at a time

00:43:28.605 --> 00:43:30.941
where he wasn't really
getting any sleep.

00:43:30.975 --> 00:43:37.147
(music)

00:43:37.181 --> 00:43:38.949
I looked out the window,

00:43:38.983 --> 00:43:41.518
and his car was still there.

00:43:41.552 --> 00:43:43.854
(rain gently rapping)

00:43:43.887 --> 00:43:46.223
And, um, I walked out there,

00:43:46.256 --> 00:43:48.192
and I saw him.

00:43:48.225 --> 00:43:50.394
(soft thunder)

00:43:50.427 --> 00:43:52.429
He had hung himself.

00:43:53.864 --> 00:43:55.566
That's the scene
I play over and over

00:43:55.599 --> 00:43:57.534
in my mind.

00:43:57.568 --> 00:44:00.838
(music)

00:44:00.871 --> 00:44:03.874
It felt like, like my body,

00:44:03.907 --> 00:44:08.779
the world kind of
collapsed under me.

00:44:08.812 --> 00:44:13.017
Well me, I always dread
that one day will come,

00:44:13.050 --> 00:44:14.485
you know, so...

00:44:14.518 --> 00:44:16.787
(music)

00:44:16.820 --> 00:44:19.857
What happened

00:44:19.890 --> 00:44:22.092
that I didn't
look out the window?

00:44:22.126 --> 00:44:25.029
(music)

00:44:25.062 --> 00:44:28.799
I think that's my
biggest element of guilt.

00:44:28.832 --> 00:44:31.402
Why didn't I go over and look?

00:44:34.571 --> 00:44:41.211
(music)

00:44:41.245 --> 00:44:44.214
I knew right away
when I saw the text

00:44:44.248 --> 00:44:48.485
what it meant.

00:44:48.519 --> 00:44:51.155
It was just...

00:44:51.188 --> 00:44:52.790
I still...

00:44:52.823 --> 00:44:54.792
I mean, it was just not the way

00:44:54.825 --> 00:44:57.861
this whole thing
was supposed to end.

00:44:57.895 --> 00:45:01.565
I feel like I owe him something.

00:45:01.598 --> 00:45:03.834
I need to share his voice

00:45:03.867 --> 00:45:06.103
that he couldn't get out there.

00:45:06.136 --> 00:45:08.605
(music)

00:45:08.639 --> 00:45:10.274
I finally thought,
you know what,

00:45:10.307 --> 00:45:12.309
I'm going to create
a dance about this.

00:45:12.342 --> 00:45:20.342
(music)

00:45:20.751 --> 00:45:22.786
It's a very intense show
for a lot of people,

00:45:22.820 --> 00:45:24.721
it's a very intense show
for people that

00:45:24.755 --> 00:45:26.557
didn't know Brandon.

00:45:26.590 --> 00:45:30.160
(music)

00:45:30.194 --> 00:45:32.529
I mean, I can't even
begin to comprehend

00:45:32.563 --> 00:45:37.000
the loss for his mom,
and his dad, and his sister.

00:45:37.034 --> 00:45:40.170
(music)

00:45:40.204 --> 00:45:43.807
Anybody who has lost
anyone through suicide,

00:45:43.841 --> 00:45:46.877
you always say,
"What did I miss?

00:45:46.910 --> 00:45:49.046
Why couldn't I save him?"

00:45:49.079 --> 00:45:51.315
(music)

00:45:51.348 --> 00:45:53.217
What did I do wrong?

00:45:53.250 --> 00:45:55.319
(music)

00:45:55.352 --> 00:45:57.221
And what haven't I done?

00:45:57.254 --> 00:45:59.123
(music)

00:45:59.156 --> 00:46:02.092
I really don't have
an answer to that, you know?

00:46:02.126 --> 00:46:07.097
(music)

00:46:07.131 --> 00:46:08.966
(applause)

00:46:08.999 --> 00:46:10.300
The last thing we want...

00:46:10.334 --> 00:46:12.569
I think this is true
with everybody...

00:46:12.603 --> 00:46:16.473
Is to forget our loved one.

00:46:16.507 --> 00:46:24.507
(music)

00:46:30.854 --> 00:46:33.757
Why aren't we catching
people earlier?

00:46:33.790 --> 00:46:35.893
We aren't stopping
people five miles back

00:46:35.926 --> 00:46:37.427
where the exit is.

00:46:39.062 --> 00:46:43.600
We're trying to catch them
on the cliff's edge.

00:46:43.634 --> 00:46:45.636
Our goal should be,
as a society,

00:46:45.669 --> 00:46:49.206
create situations so that
people don't get to that edge.

00:46:49.239 --> 00:46:50.841
The thing that makes
a difference for people

00:46:50.874 --> 00:46:52.276
is connectedness.

00:46:52.309 --> 00:47:00.309
(music)

00:47:03.954 --> 00:47:06.823
(radio chatter)

00:47:06.857 --> 00:47:09.860
Asking "Is deployment
related to suicide?"

00:47:09.893 --> 00:47:13.363
That's the wrong
question to ask.

00:47:13.397 --> 00:47:15.532
The better question is,
"What happens to you

00:47:15.566 --> 00:47:16.900
while you're deployed?

00:47:16.934 --> 00:47:19.002
And how do you make
sense out of that

00:47:19.036 --> 00:47:21.438
life experience?"

00:47:21.471 --> 00:47:23.574
When you're in the moment,

00:47:23.607 --> 00:47:24.808
that's when it matters.

00:47:24.841 --> 00:47:27.044
It's when you're on the edge

00:47:27.077 --> 00:47:29.213
that we need to know
can you walk away.

00:47:29.246 --> 00:47:32.749
(music)

00:47:32.783 --> 00:47:35.118
It's okay, buddy.

00:47:35.152 --> 00:47:37.854
You're okay, you're okay.

00:47:37.888 --> 00:47:39.923
I was a part of
the weapons company,

00:47:39.957 --> 00:47:42.459
I was a machine gunner,

00:47:42.492 --> 00:47:44.494
and then I ended up
becoming a squad leader

00:47:44.528 --> 00:47:47.464
for a group of 11 marines.

00:47:47.497 --> 00:47:50.767
(music)

00:47:50.801 --> 00:47:53.637
I just remember really
caring about the people

00:47:53.670 --> 00:47:55.205
to the left and right.

00:47:55.239 --> 00:47:58.542
Like, that's where, like,
this shock of gray comes from

00:47:58.575 --> 00:48:01.845
is worrying about my buddies.

00:48:01.878 --> 00:48:03.814
Is that a potential friend?

00:48:03.847 --> 00:48:06.350
(dogs whine)

00:48:06.383 --> 00:48:07.684
Aw, what's his name?

00:48:07.718 --> 00:48:10.621
His name's Grunt,
Sergeant Grunt.

00:48:10.654 --> 00:48:11.788
Doesn't really fit the name.

00:48:11.822 --> 00:48:13.991
He's kind of a pushover,
he's kind of a coward.

00:48:14.024 --> 00:48:16.460
(Grunt panting)

00:48:16.493 --> 00:48:18.962
Had a buddy that,
you know, got hurt.

00:48:18.996 --> 00:48:20.397
Several buddies that got hurt.

00:48:20.430 --> 00:48:22.065
But, you know,
the one from my first tour

00:48:22.099 --> 00:48:25.269
where we were really close
and he got put on a helicopter.

00:48:25.302 --> 00:48:27.904
Um, you know,
that sticks with you.

00:48:27.938 --> 00:48:29.940
You don't know if you're
gonna see him again.

00:48:29.973 --> 00:48:31.942
(helicopter blades whipping)

00:48:31.975 --> 00:48:34.645
That structure, their community.

00:48:34.678 --> 00:48:37.781
They feel a lot more comfortable
being in that setting,

00:48:37.814 --> 00:48:39.016
and then when they
finally get home

00:48:39.049 --> 00:48:40.684
and they have time to think,

00:48:40.717 --> 00:48:44.154
it does seem kind of mundane
after being over there.

00:48:45.756 --> 00:48:48.759
I just didn't feel
a connection to anyone.

00:48:48.792 --> 00:48:52.562
It was so exhausting

00:48:52.596 --> 00:48:57.934
that I just kind of
laid down and didn't move.

00:48:57.968 --> 00:49:00.003
(music)

00:49:00.037 --> 00:49:06.109
I just couldn't fathom
a world in which...

00:49:06.143 --> 00:49:08.245
anyone needed Jay.

00:49:10.347 --> 00:49:12.916
That's when Grunt
just kept bugging me,

00:49:12.949 --> 00:49:16.253
and cuddling with me,
and pawing at my hands.

00:49:16.286 --> 00:49:19.089
(music)

00:49:19.122 --> 00:49:20.590
It's really hard
to talk about this

00:49:20.624 --> 00:49:23.026
because life right now is...

00:49:23.060 --> 00:49:25.762
going so good.

00:49:25.796 --> 00:49:30.133
Just recently
my best friend, um...

00:49:30.167 --> 00:49:33.403
asked me to be
an uncle to his kid.

00:49:33.437 --> 00:49:35.672
And...

00:49:35.706 --> 00:49:39.476
(music)

00:49:39.509 --> 00:49:44.781
To think I almost
denied myself...

00:49:44.815 --> 00:49:46.650
(sniffles)

00:49:46.683 --> 00:49:48.418
the chance to do that.

00:49:48.452 --> 00:49:53.790
(music)

00:49:57.961 --> 00:50:00.030
(beeping)

00:50:01.264 --> 00:50:04.101
(train rolling on track)

00:50:04.134 --> 00:50:06.570
Ladies and gentlemen,
your train operator.

00:50:06.603 --> 00:50:09.873
Control (unintelligible)
as we attempt to restore power.

00:50:09.906 --> 00:50:11.975
We should hopefully
be moving shortly.

00:50:12.008 --> 00:50:13.777
Thank you for your patience.

00:50:29.559 --> 00:50:33.196
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have power restored.

00:50:38.935 --> 00:50:40.670
I was hoping that we could do

00:50:40.704 --> 00:50:43.273
a follow up at the end
where we kind of talk about,

00:50:43.306 --> 00:50:47.511
like, what the process
taught you about your project,

00:50:47.544 --> 00:50:49.446
what you could've
done differently,

00:50:49.479 --> 00:50:52.149
how it will possibly
inform other projects,

00:50:52.182 --> 00:50:54.818
which it totally will.

00:50:54.851 --> 00:50:56.286
You're creating a community,

00:50:56.319 --> 00:50:59.723
so it's beyond
just like the photographs.

00:50:59.756 --> 00:51:01.858
The photographs are the gateway.

00:51:01.892 --> 00:51:03.894
You're talking about
how to have some

00:51:03.927 --> 00:51:05.429
of the most difficult
conversations

00:51:05.462 --> 00:51:08.231
you could possibly
ever have with someone.

00:51:08.265 --> 00:51:10.901
So, embracing that
and kind of saying,

00:51:10.934 --> 00:51:12.869
"This is okay,
this space is gonna

00:51:12.903 --> 00:51:15.372
help you move through this,

00:51:15.405 --> 00:51:17.874
and yes, you might
not feel neutrally about it,

00:51:17.908 --> 00:51:19.609
and that's all right."

00:51:19.643 --> 00:51:21.178
It's the first show
that I've ever done,

00:51:21.211 --> 00:51:22.846
the first solo show
I've ever had

00:51:22.879 --> 00:51:24.448
for "Live Through This."

00:51:24.481 --> 00:51:26.583
So, this is a little
intro piece with the...

00:51:26.616 --> 00:51:31.822
The promo poster, um, of
Natalie Medina from Eugene.

00:51:33.356 --> 00:51:36.426
I just want people to look
into these people's eyes.

00:51:36.460 --> 00:51:39.763
To force the viewer
to look into their eyes.

00:51:39.796 --> 00:51:41.798
What do they say, the eyes
are the window to the soul?

00:51:41.832 --> 00:51:43.033
Which is kind of lame,

00:51:43.066 --> 00:51:46.203
but that is where
you find the humanity.

00:51:48.405 --> 00:51:50.273
I'm just trying
to show people, like,

00:51:50.307 --> 00:51:51.975
"Hey, this happens.

00:51:52.008 --> 00:51:54.644
And it could happen
to anybody."

00:51:54.678 --> 00:51:56.746
And I remember
the nurses saying, you know,

00:51:56.780 --> 00:52:00.417
"I don't know if you're
gonna live through this."

00:52:00.450 --> 00:52:02.586
And I got a text message
saying the producer

00:52:02.619 --> 00:52:04.387
of Glenn Beck is trying
to get in touch with you,

00:52:04.421 --> 00:52:05.856
he wants you on the show.

00:52:05.889 --> 00:52:07.958
And I was like, "Glenn Beck..."

00:52:07.991 --> 00:52:09.893
(music)

00:52:09.926 --> 00:52:13.430
This is the Glenn Beck Program.

00:52:13.463 --> 00:52:16.233
You know, in my life,
I've had... I didn't,

00:52:16.266 --> 00:52:17.901
not an attempt, but I was close,

00:52:17.934 --> 00:52:20.537
I was saved by a friend
and brought to a hospital.

00:52:20.570 --> 00:52:24.908
Um, did you regret
trying to kill yourself

00:52:24.941 --> 00:52:29.746
after trying to kill yourself?

00:52:29.779 --> 00:52:32.182
Um, you know,
that's a strange question.

00:52:32.215 --> 00:52:37.153
Uh, I feel like I needed
that experience.

00:52:37.187 --> 00:52:39.022
I don't want to do it over.

00:52:39.055 --> 00:52:42.893
I don't like to think
about it too hard.

00:52:42.926 --> 00:52:44.628
It happened, and it's over,

00:52:44.661 --> 00:52:46.196
but it's brought me
to this place

00:52:46.229 --> 00:52:48.698
where I can try
and help other people.

00:52:48.732 --> 00:52:51.301
So, yeah, we actually
had a really...

00:52:51.334 --> 00:52:53.336
It was a good conversation.

00:52:53.370 --> 00:52:55.739
My feelings on Glenn Beck
have been colored now.

00:52:55.772 --> 00:52:56.840
I know he's human.

00:52:59.910 --> 00:53:01.344
Goose.

00:53:01.378 --> 00:53:04.748
You look so beautiful,
so sexy, so backlit.

00:53:04.781 --> 00:53:05.949
Little halo.

00:53:08.852 --> 00:53:10.186
(cat meows)

00:53:10.220 --> 00:53:12.255
I wanna do this
much larger scale.

00:53:12.289 --> 00:53:15.725
I really want these portraits
to go to universities.

00:53:15.759 --> 00:53:19.496
Why are we not
encouraging the students

00:53:19.529 --> 00:53:23.333
to take care of themselves?

00:53:23.366 --> 00:53:25.669
It's the ones that
are ambivalent

00:53:25.702 --> 00:53:27.971
that could be swayed
just by someone saying,

00:53:28.004 --> 00:53:30.807
"Hey, I love you,
are you okay?"

00:53:30.840 --> 00:53:32.175
Those are the lives
that you can save.

00:53:32.208 --> 00:53:33.843
And there are so many.

00:53:33.877 --> 00:53:37.213
(music)

00:53:37.247 --> 00:53:41.551
Suicide is terrifying to people.

00:53:41.585 --> 00:53:44.020
Even if it hasn't hit you
in your own family,

00:53:44.054 --> 00:53:45.322
we all have a connection,

00:53:45.355 --> 00:53:46.823
and we all have a story.

00:53:46.856 --> 00:53:48.491
(music)

00:53:48.525 --> 00:53:51.828
My brother struggled
on campus, alone,

00:53:51.861 --> 00:53:55.966
for almost the entirety
of his college career.

00:53:55.999 --> 00:54:00.036
Nobody was talking about mental
health issues on his campus,

00:54:00.070 --> 00:54:01.638
and so he lived with this alone.

00:54:01.671 --> 00:54:05.675
And I'm convinced
that it was that time

00:54:05.709 --> 00:54:08.712
that he struggled
without support

00:54:08.745 --> 00:54:12.449
that ultimately ended up
taking his life.

00:54:12.482 --> 00:54:13.917
And that, you know,
in so many ways,

00:54:13.950 --> 00:54:17.020
was the motivating factor
for me in starting Active Minds.

00:54:17.053 --> 00:54:21.057
(music)

00:54:21.091 --> 00:54:23.293
We've collected 1,100 backpacks

00:54:23.326 --> 00:54:25.228
that represent
the 1,100 college students

00:54:25.261 --> 00:54:27.530
who die by suicide every year.

00:54:27.564 --> 00:54:33.703
(music)

00:54:33.737 --> 00:54:36.673
We asked our students,
"Would you judge somebody

00:54:36.706 --> 00:54:38.708
for going to counseling
services?"

00:54:38.742 --> 00:54:40.644
And the majority
of the students said no.

00:54:40.677 --> 00:54:42.379
Then when we asked them
the question,

00:54:42.412 --> 00:54:43.713
"Would you feel that
you would be judged

00:54:43.747 --> 00:54:45.882
if you went
to counseling services?"

00:54:45.915 --> 00:54:47.784
Almost all of them said yes.

00:54:47.817 --> 00:54:48.952
(music)

00:54:48.985 --> 00:54:51.821
Until you actually
see it on display like this,

00:54:51.855 --> 00:54:54.724
I think it's hard
for people to talk

00:54:54.758 --> 00:54:58.028
about something
that they don't understand.

00:54:58.061 --> 00:55:00.997
(music)

00:55:01.031 --> 00:55:03.967
Active Minds is starting
conversations on campus.

00:55:04.000 --> 00:55:05.602
(music)

00:55:05.635 --> 00:55:07.370
It's letting people
like Brian know

00:55:07.404 --> 00:55:08.938
that they're not alone.

00:55:08.972 --> 00:55:12.409
(music)

00:55:12.442 --> 00:55:15.645
If one student, today,
walks through here,

00:55:15.679 --> 00:55:18.548
and chooses to speak up
out of silence,

00:55:18.581 --> 00:55:20.316
and chooses not
to take their life,

00:55:20.350 --> 00:55:22.686
then all of this is worth it.

00:55:22.719 --> 00:55:30.719
(music)

00:55:38.635 --> 00:55:41.538
My hope is,
what is the s-word now

00:55:41.571 --> 00:55:44.841
will not be in 10 to 15 years.

00:55:44.874 --> 00:55:47.677
We've got to start
talking about this.

00:55:47.711 --> 00:55:55.711
(music)

00:55:55.885 --> 00:55:57.954
(horns honking)

00:55:57.987 --> 00:56:01.725
We don't really
spend enough time saying,

00:56:01.758 --> 00:56:04.227
"What works
best for you?"

00:56:04.260 --> 00:56:06.563
If you don't want to do yoga,

00:56:06.596 --> 00:56:08.098
you're gonna look at that
and you're gonna be like...

00:56:08.131 --> 00:56:11.334
"Whatever."

00:56:11.367 --> 00:56:13.937
We have to get a little,
like, in the muck of it

00:56:13.970 --> 00:56:15.739
with people.

00:56:15.772 --> 00:56:17.240
I get messages
all the time that are like,

00:56:17.273 --> 00:56:19.042
"My friend is telling me
they want to kill themselves.

00:56:19.075 --> 00:56:20.510
What do I do?"

00:56:20.543 --> 00:56:22.345
So, it's just like,
"Okay, I've been through this.

00:56:22.378 --> 00:56:23.713
What you do is you listen.

00:56:23.747 --> 00:56:25.648
They need to know
that somebody is there

00:56:25.682 --> 00:56:27.650
and willing to sit with
them while they're snotty,

00:56:27.684 --> 00:56:31.654
and sobbing, and hurting."

00:56:31.688 --> 00:56:33.656
It's not easy,
and it's exhausting,

00:56:33.690 --> 00:56:35.592
and it's scary,
and it is all of those things,

00:56:35.625 --> 00:56:39.429
but that is the shit
that can save lives.

00:56:39.462 --> 00:56:41.631
I've had friends who've
said they were suicidal.

00:56:41.664 --> 00:56:42.932
And what is the first
thing I'm thinking,

00:56:42.966 --> 00:56:44.467
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

00:56:44.501 --> 00:56:46.669
As someone who's, like,
attempted and survived,

00:56:46.703 --> 00:56:48.471
I'm like, "We have to stop this.

00:56:48.505 --> 00:56:49.773
I have to save you."

00:56:49.806 --> 00:56:51.141
And then it's like, slow down.

00:56:51.174 --> 00:56:52.275
What would you have wanted?

00:56:52.308 --> 00:56:53.376
Not this.

00:56:53.409 --> 00:56:54.944
You wouldn't have wanted this.

00:56:54.978 --> 00:56:56.546
You know, just that
shared recognition

00:56:56.579 --> 00:56:58.681
that this sucks.

00:56:58.715 --> 00:57:01.518
That is so healing for people.

00:57:01.551 --> 00:57:03.553
Why do we not have,
in every community,

00:57:03.586 --> 00:57:05.155
a group of people
that meet regularly

00:57:05.188 --> 00:57:06.189
who struggle with suicide

00:57:06.222 --> 00:57:08.057
and try to help each other?

00:57:08.091 --> 00:57:09.692
Fear.

00:57:09.726 --> 00:57:10.860
It's the fear that, I feel,

00:57:10.894 --> 00:57:12.529
is really at the root
of the problem.

00:57:12.562 --> 00:57:14.497
Let's just let it out there.

00:57:14.531 --> 00:57:16.599
I actually attempted
eight years ago today.

00:57:16.633 --> 00:57:17.700
And I posted about it,

00:57:17.734 --> 00:57:19.803
because I post
about it every year.

00:57:19.836 --> 00:57:22.038
I mean, it's one way to get
people talking about it

00:57:22.071 --> 00:57:24.674
in a really honest way.

00:57:24.707 --> 00:57:25.742
We all live on Facebook now,

00:57:25.775 --> 00:57:27.477
we all live on Twitter,
we live on Vine,

00:57:27.510 --> 00:57:29.813
we live on Whisper,
wherever the hell we live,

00:57:29.846 --> 00:57:31.648
we have to be going
out there and disseminating

00:57:31.681 --> 00:57:34.984
the information in that way too.

00:57:35.018 --> 00:57:37.987
Clinicians aren't
there at 3:00am.

00:57:38.021 --> 00:57:41.224
We can use social media
to just ruin people's lives.

00:57:41.257 --> 00:57:43.693
(music)

00:57:43.726 --> 00:57:45.361
But we can also use social media

00:57:45.395 --> 00:57:47.630
to save people's lives.

00:57:47.664 --> 00:57:49.666
The community really
has to save each other.

00:57:49.699 --> 00:57:51.000
You're only ever gonna have

00:57:51.034 --> 00:57:53.036
so many mental health
professionals.

00:57:59.576 --> 00:58:03.112
Well, it is...

00:58:03.146 --> 00:58:08.751
May 13th, 5:30-or-so pm.

00:58:08.785 --> 00:58:12.288
I am gonna propose to Fel.

00:58:12.322 --> 00:58:14.691
This is the ring

00:58:14.724 --> 00:58:19.495
that I'm going to
steal her soul with.

00:58:19.529 --> 00:58:21.197
I hope.

00:58:21.231 --> 00:58:22.832
(music)

00:58:22.866 --> 00:58:25.802
When Fel and I
got to that point,

00:58:25.835 --> 00:58:27.704
where we were starting
to talk about

00:58:27.737 --> 00:58:31.007
getting married seriously...

00:58:31.040 --> 00:58:35.278
I knew almost immediately
that if anyone was the one,

00:58:35.311 --> 00:58:36.479
it was gonna be her.

00:58:36.512 --> 00:58:37.847
Happy New Year,

00:58:37.881 --> 00:58:39.382
you're all full of grapes!

00:58:39.415 --> 00:58:41.618
It's so nice to have
someone who will indulge

00:58:41.651 --> 00:58:44.787
and that cliché
romantic bullshit with me.

00:58:44.821 --> 00:58:46.689
So when I was
thinking about her ring,

00:58:46.723 --> 00:58:48.491
I knew that the text
that I wanted inside

00:58:48.524 --> 00:58:50.159
was "Dance with me."

00:58:50.193 --> 00:58:52.095
I'm confused about
how you turn that around.

00:58:52.128 --> 00:58:57.533
Well, this is confusing 'cause
maybe I'm drunk a little bit.

00:58:57.567 --> 00:59:00.536
Fel drinks prosecco

00:59:00.570 --> 00:59:03.106
with her ring, bitches!

00:59:03.139 --> 00:59:04.307
Blingin'.

00:59:04.340 --> 00:59:09.746
(music)

00:59:09.779 --> 00:59:13.716
The word "commit"
I feel like it's just a verb.

00:59:13.750 --> 00:59:15.551
I don't think it, um...

00:59:15.585 --> 00:59:18.454
My speech language
pathologist girlfriend

00:59:18.488 --> 00:59:20.223
tells me that we're
having arguments

00:59:20.256 --> 00:59:21.791
about semantics,

00:59:21.824 --> 00:59:23.927
and that semantics
aren't so important.

00:59:23.960 --> 00:59:26.396
I think they're important,
I just... I don't agree

00:59:26.429 --> 00:59:31.668
that "commit" has the...

00:59:31.701 --> 00:59:34.771
damning implication
that you think it does.

00:59:34.804 --> 00:59:37.473
But you also say
"commit to marriage."

00:59:37.507 --> 00:59:39.342
It's a commitment.

00:59:39.375 --> 00:59:41.778
It's a final decision.

00:59:41.811 --> 00:59:44.380
The sixth grader
committed suicide last week.

00:59:44.414 --> 00:59:45.715
The man committed suicide.

00:59:45.748 --> 00:59:47.717
Another young rapper
is said to also have

00:59:47.750 --> 00:59:51.354
committed suicide just
after posting on Twitter.

00:59:51.387 --> 00:59:53.323
"Committed" is very colorful.

00:59:53.356 --> 00:59:55.558
It implies a crime or a sin.

00:59:55.591 --> 00:59:56.859
I personally think
that just clarity

00:59:56.893 --> 00:59:58.761
would be really great.

00:59:58.795 --> 01:00:01.631
"Commit" is not a clear word.

01:00:01.664 --> 01:00:02.699
Died by suicide.

01:00:02.732 --> 01:00:05.501
You cannot color that
in any way.

01:00:05.535 --> 01:00:06.869
I have to then change...
Rearrange the syntax

01:00:06.903 --> 01:00:08.805
of my entire sentence

01:00:08.838 --> 01:00:10.707
to say "died by suicide."

01:00:10.740 --> 01:00:12.208
What if I'm not
using the past tense.

01:00:12.241 --> 01:00:14.344
Sucks to be you.

01:00:14.377 --> 01:00:15.578
We should just get married here.

01:00:15.611 --> 01:00:17.246
It's totally free.

01:00:17.280 --> 01:00:18.748
You can be the husband.

01:00:18.781 --> 01:00:21.551
What says marital bliss
and commitment

01:00:21.584 --> 01:00:23.553
like compost piles?

01:00:23.586 --> 01:00:31.586
(music)

01:00:33.830 --> 01:00:38.501
Whatever Lola wants

01:00:38.534 --> 01:00:41.738
Lola gets

01:00:41.771 --> 01:00:45.842
You're no exception to the rule

01:00:45.875 --> 01:00:49.712
I'm irresistible, you fool

01:00:49.746 --> 01:00:51.314
It's only been recently
that I've been singing songs

01:00:51.347 --> 01:00:54.984
that actually aren't,
like, really depressing.

01:00:55.018 --> 01:00:57.653
Give in

01:00:57.687 --> 01:01:00.623
(music)

01:01:00.656 --> 01:01:03.760
Whatever Lola wants

01:01:03.793 --> 01:01:08.831
"Whatever Lola Wants"
by Sarah Vaughan...

01:01:08.865 --> 01:01:10.733
it's a little sensual,

01:01:10.767 --> 01:01:13.603
I need to get back in
the groove one day.

01:01:13.636 --> 01:01:18.274
Resign yourself, you're through

01:01:18.307 --> 01:01:19.809
Yeah.

01:01:19.842 --> 01:01:22.912
(cheers, applause)

01:01:22.945 --> 01:01:26.182
It's like family,
it's like everyone knows me

01:01:26.215 --> 01:01:28.484
by my stage name,
which is Vegas Cherry.

01:01:28.518 --> 01:01:30.887
They do not know
my name is Kelechi.

01:01:30.920 --> 01:01:33.856
Um, you know, I don't know

01:01:33.890 --> 01:01:34.924
that I'd call it
a stripper name.

01:01:34.957 --> 01:01:37.794
It's totally a stripper name.

01:01:37.827 --> 01:01:39.629
It's a little bit of an escape.

01:01:39.662 --> 01:01:41.798
Like, I get to be
Vegas Cherry for a night,

01:01:41.831 --> 01:01:44.834
and she's confident,
and she's badass.

01:01:44.867 --> 01:01:48.104
I wanna bring that
into who I am as Kelechi.

01:01:50.840 --> 01:01:53.543
Oh, my God,
it's so good to see you again.

01:01:53.576 --> 01:01:56.379
After the attempt,
I told my mom,

01:01:56.412 --> 01:01:59.248
I said, you know, "I really
want to go to California."

01:01:59.282 --> 01:02:01.851
She was just like,
"I'm here to support you, baby.

01:02:01.884 --> 01:02:03.052
What do you want?
You want to go to California?

01:02:03.086 --> 01:02:04.987
All right,
let's drive out there."

01:02:05.021 --> 01:02:06.289
You inspired me, I was like,

01:02:06.322 --> 01:02:07.857
"If Markeet'a's doing it,

01:02:07.890 --> 01:02:09.926
- I can tell my story."
- You can tell your story.

01:02:09.959 --> 01:02:11.394
Well, especially because
there's not a lot

01:02:11.427 --> 01:02:14.263
of black people
talking about this at all.

01:02:14.297 --> 01:02:18.167
Working in California in the
mental health recovery movement,

01:02:18.201 --> 01:02:20.002
they're saying things
like we should be involved

01:02:20.036 --> 01:02:21.971
in our treatment,
we should have a say,

01:02:22.004 --> 01:02:23.673
we should be at the table.

01:02:23.706 --> 01:02:26.175
I'm down with
all of those things.

01:02:26.209 --> 01:02:30.379
Once I told my story, African
American women came up to me,

01:02:30.413 --> 01:02:32.715
"My cousin, she attempted.

01:02:32.748 --> 01:02:34.417
My sister, she tried.

01:02:34.450 --> 01:02:37.987
Oh, I felt that way."

01:02:38.020 --> 01:02:40.256
So it's not that
it's not happening.

01:02:40.289 --> 01:02:44.026
We're just not talking about it
and I want to be out about it,

01:02:44.060 --> 01:02:47.497
because we need to
have the brown faces

01:02:47.530 --> 01:02:48.931
talking about this as well.

01:02:48.965 --> 01:02:51.567
Like, it's not just
a white issue.

01:02:51.601 --> 01:02:53.836
(music)

01:02:53.870 --> 01:02:57.473
Is suicide still
an option for you?

01:02:57.507 --> 01:02:59.208
I don't want it to be,

01:02:59.242 --> 01:03:02.645
and that's the only answer
I can really, honestly give you.

01:03:02.678 --> 01:03:05.414
I don't want it to be an option,

01:03:05.448 --> 01:03:09.285
but I'm not gonna say that
I don't think about it,

01:03:09.318 --> 01:03:11.254
'cause I do.

01:03:11.287 --> 01:03:18.161
(music)

01:03:18.194 --> 01:03:21.330
It doesn't feel sunshiny
and great right now,

01:03:21.364 --> 01:03:23.132
and that's honest.

01:03:23.166 --> 01:03:25.368
(music)

01:03:25.401 --> 01:03:29.872
I'm not lying about it and
I'm not pretending to be happy.

01:03:29.906 --> 01:03:32.808
I'm just doing it,
I don't feel it yet,

01:03:32.842 --> 01:03:35.044
but at least I'm doing it.

01:03:35.077 --> 01:03:37.847
(music)

01:03:37.880 --> 01:03:40.683
For a while I thought
recovery meant never hearing

01:03:40.716 --> 01:03:43.052
a suicidal thought again,
and the moment

01:03:43.085 --> 01:03:45.821
I had a suicidal
thought I was like,

01:03:45.855 --> 01:03:50.059
"Oh my God,
what does this mean?"

01:03:50.092 --> 01:03:52.161
The thoughts,
they're still there.

01:03:52.195 --> 01:03:56.332
They come in when I'm sad,
but I have a plan around them.

01:03:56.365 --> 01:03:58.968
They're not gonna
frighten me into

01:03:59.001 --> 01:04:01.237
doing an action that,

01:04:01.270 --> 01:04:03.472
you know, would
take me out of here.

01:04:03.506 --> 01:04:06.809
(music)

01:04:06.842 --> 01:04:09.812
"Who would I miss
if you were gone?

01:04:09.845 --> 01:04:11.781
Don't send me out
into the cold snow,

01:04:11.814 --> 01:04:14.116
my body is no longer
equipped for that.

01:04:14.150 --> 01:04:18.020
The skin too thin and the gray
clouds press in closer.

01:04:18.054 --> 01:04:20.556
I know I cannot stay
in this room much longer.

01:04:20.590 --> 01:04:22.892
I can't breathe, baby.

01:04:22.925 --> 01:04:24.794
I have to get out."

01:04:24.827 --> 01:04:27.763
(music)

01:04:27.797 --> 01:04:29.899
Call for a pizza,
pizza well done.

01:04:29.932 --> 01:04:32.268
We have a $Free.99
pizza in the fridge.

01:04:32.301 --> 01:04:34.303
- We do.
- Yeah, that's the best kind.

01:04:34.337 --> 01:04:37.807
- Fine, then we're gonna have it.
- We're gonna have it.

01:04:37.840 --> 01:04:39.742
I was clueless.

01:04:39.775 --> 01:04:42.311
I know that you had
had problems before,

01:04:42.345 --> 01:04:44.914
I know that you had felt
depressed in the past,

01:04:44.947 --> 01:04:47.183
but I did not know at
this particular time.

01:04:47.216 --> 01:04:50.119
So this was out of
the blue for me, yeah.

01:04:50.152 --> 01:04:53.055
- Yeah, you hid it well.
- Yeah.

01:04:53.089 --> 01:04:54.957
Mental health sucks, okay?

01:04:54.991 --> 01:04:57.593
They discharge her to me,
there was no counseling,

01:04:57.627 --> 01:05:00.963
there was no aftercare plan,
there was nothing.

01:05:00.997 --> 01:05:02.865
It was like, "Okay,
here's Kelechi,

01:05:02.898 --> 01:05:04.500
she's just tried
to commit suicide."

01:05:04.533 --> 01:05:06.802
There's no support,
there's no diagnosis.

01:05:06.836 --> 01:05:08.371
There's nothing.

01:05:08.404 --> 01:05:11.140
It took a long time
for me to come to grips

01:05:11.173 --> 01:05:15.478
with it's not my fault,
and it's a lot

01:05:15.511 --> 01:05:18.114
of releasing, letting go,
and being vulnerable.

01:05:18.147 --> 01:05:19.815
- So we'll start with these two?
- We'll start with these

01:05:19.849 --> 01:05:21.651
and see what happens.

01:05:21.684 --> 01:05:24.487
And then it might even have a
little thing that says pizza.

01:05:24.520 --> 01:05:26.122
- It does.
- Cool.

01:05:26.155 --> 01:05:29.091
- Pizza one.
- Pizza one.

01:05:29.125 --> 01:05:31.927
Even though you might've
felt angry or confused

01:05:31.961 --> 01:05:34.463
or sad or mad, you stood by me

01:05:34.497 --> 01:05:38.134
through some really
ugly, scary times,

01:05:38.167 --> 01:05:42.838
and you just said,
"What can I do?"

01:05:42.872 --> 01:05:46.509
I think that's part
of why I'm alive.

01:05:46.542 --> 01:05:49.812
So, thank you.

01:05:49.845 --> 01:05:51.881
- I love you.
- Love you too, Mom.

01:05:51.914 --> 01:05:59.914
(music)

01:06:02.458 --> 01:06:04.060
I'm not doing well.

01:06:04.093 --> 01:06:07.830
Uh, I quit smoking
a couple weeks ago.

01:06:07.863 --> 01:06:11.033
I don't even know how long ago
it's been at this point.

01:06:11.067 --> 01:06:15.838
But I find myself
wanting to hurt myself,

01:06:15.871 --> 01:06:18.507
and, um...

01:06:21.243 --> 01:06:25.581
I just don't really
know how to handle it.

01:06:25.614 --> 01:06:28.918
(music)

01:06:28.951 --> 01:06:30.686
I don't wanna kill myself,

01:06:30.720 --> 01:06:32.254
I just want it to hurt.

01:06:32.288 --> 01:06:36.225
These are irrational thoughts,
these are scary thoughts.

01:06:36.258 --> 01:06:39.095
Tried to hurt myself last week,

01:06:39.128 --> 01:06:40.863
but I don't keep
things in the house

01:06:40.896 --> 01:06:44.133
that I can really
hurt myself with.

01:06:44.166 --> 01:06:46.869
So I tried with a kitchen knife,

01:06:46.902 --> 01:06:51.407
and, uh, I thought
I could hide it,

01:06:51.440 --> 01:06:54.777
and then slipped and Fel saw it.

01:06:54.810 --> 01:06:57.480
(music)

01:06:57.513 --> 01:07:00.783
I lied straight to her face
when she asked me what it was.

01:07:00.816 --> 01:07:03.119
You can't help but think like,
"Well, why can't I

01:07:03.152 --> 01:07:04.987
of all people get through?"

01:07:05.020 --> 01:07:06.956
She was like,
"What do you need?"

01:07:06.989 --> 01:07:08.924
Like she wanted to kill me.

01:07:08.958 --> 01:07:10.593
She wanted to set
me on fire, yes?

01:07:10.626 --> 01:07:13.162
- Well, you were being a dick.
- Right, well, yeah.

01:07:13.195 --> 01:07:15.398
You would like
to point out that?

01:07:15.431 --> 01:07:17.967
You were like, "Oh, Fel
gets frustrated with me

01:07:18.000 --> 01:07:19.969
when I'm depressed,"
it's like it's not that

01:07:20.002 --> 01:07:21.470
I get frustrated
because you're depressed,

01:07:21.504 --> 01:07:23.139
I get frustrated because
you're an asshole.

01:07:23.172 --> 01:07:25.074
But I want... I keep wanting
to tell you about

01:07:25.107 --> 01:07:28.177
this turning point,
this breakthrough.

01:07:28.210 --> 01:07:29.945
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

01:07:29.979 --> 01:07:32.948
So I'm a dick when I'm upset.

01:07:32.982 --> 01:07:35.384
It's true, it is true.

01:07:35.418 --> 01:07:38.888
The moment I'm hysterical and
then also feeling misunderstood

01:07:38.921 --> 01:07:42.758
I go some completely
different place.

01:07:42.792 --> 01:07:44.960
Like when I talk about it
with my therapist

01:07:44.994 --> 01:07:48.130
when shit's going wrong,

01:07:48.164 --> 01:07:50.166
it's not about my diagnosis,

01:07:50.199 --> 01:07:53.702
it's about how to manage
my symptoms, how to cope.

01:07:53.736 --> 01:07:55.738
(music)

01:07:55.771 --> 01:07:59.708
It's hard to like snap back into
happy-go-lucky girlfriend mode

01:07:59.742 --> 01:08:03.112
when I've been in caretaker
mode for a moment,

01:08:03.145 --> 01:08:05.114
and it's hard for me
to be like, "All right,

01:08:05.147 --> 01:08:07.716
I'm gonna feel
really hot right now

01:08:07.750 --> 01:08:11.987
and we're gonna go on a date."

01:08:12.021 --> 01:08:14.757
It just felt like
for the past few months

01:08:14.790 --> 01:08:18.794
we weren't really connecting
except for me to console her.

01:08:18.828 --> 01:08:26.769
(music)

01:08:26.802 --> 01:08:29.205
We're automatically at
higher risk for suicide

01:08:29.238 --> 01:08:31.974
just by virtue of
having attempted.

01:08:32.007 --> 01:08:35.511
So I knew that statistically,

01:08:35.544 --> 01:08:38.747
it was more likely that
the more stories I collected,

01:08:38.781 --> 01:08:42.818
the more people I met, somebody
was going to die eventually,

01:08:42.852 --> 01:08:45.621
and I would wake up every day

01:08:45.654 --> 01:08:49.825
hoping that that
wasn't gonna be the day.

01:08:49.859 --> 01:08:51.827
And then the day came.

01:08:51.861 --> 01:08:59.001
(music)

01:08:59.034 --> 01:09:00.836
I don't know, something about it

01:09:00.870 --> 01:09:05.107
just really threw me for a loop.

01:09:05.140 --> 01:09:07.276
Even though I knew
she was struggling,

01:09:07.309 --> 01:09:10.446
it's like I watched her
after she shared her story

01:09:10.479 --> 01:09:13.582
become this really
vocal advocate.

01:09:13.616 --> 01:09:17.186
(music)

01:09:17.219 --> 01:09:21.190
Last summer, I remember
feeling like,

01:09:21.223 --> 01:09:23.559
"I don't know why we
do any of what we do.

01:09:23.592 --> 01:09:27.563
This is fucking futile,
it's useless."

01:09:27.596 --> 01:09:29.932
And I felt that way for a while.

01:09:29.965 --> 01:09:31.834
(music)

01:09:31.867 --> 01:09:35.004
But I don't know if it's because

01:09:35.037 --> 01:09:39.074
Natalie let me know that she
wanted her story to be told

01:09:39.108 --> 01:09:42.511
or... I don't really know why,

01:09:42.545 --> 01:09:45.881
but I feel like
this has to be done.

01:09:45.915 --> 01:09:51.120
Like I've never had more resolve

01:09:51.153 --> 01:09:54.857
for the, the necessity
of this project.

01:09:54.890 --> 01:09:57.526
I know, I know that I
have to keep doing it

01:09:57.560 --> 01:10:00.462
until I absolutely
can't do it anymore.

01:10:00.496 --> 01:10:04.066
But what a way to find that out.

01:10:04.099 --> 01:10:12.099
(music)

01:10:15.177 --> 01:10:16.645
Well, you have some choices.

01:10:16.679 --> 01:10:18.814
You know, it can
just destroy you

01:10:18.847 --> 01:10:23.552
or you can try to
rebuild your own life.

01:10:23.586 --> 01:10:28.757
(music)

01:10:28.791 --> 01:10:32.895
How does it feel
to stay in his space?

01:10:32.928 --> 01:10:35.431
- I like it.
- Yeah.

01:10:35.464 --> 01:10:40.235
It helps normalize things
to have his stuff here,

01:10:40.269 --> 01:10:44.740
because it's sort
of like he's still here.

01:10:44.773 --> 01:10:47.943
Not in a denial kinda way,
but it is, you know,

01:10:47.977 --> 01:10:50.245
it's very connecting to me.

01:10:50.279 --> 01:10:53.582
Because I believe in
a lot of what he was.

01:10:53.616 --> 01:10:55.284
Yeah.

01:10:55.317 --> 01:10:58.220
He wouldn't want us to be

01:10:58.253 --> 01:11:01.290
destroyed over his absence,

01:11:01.323 --> 01:11:04.827
and so we try not
to be destroyed.

01:11:04.860 --> 01:11:12.860
(music)

01:11:17.539 --> 01:11:20.142
(indistinct remarks)

01:11:20.175 --> 01:11:26.248
(music)

01:11:26.281 --> 01:11:28.717
Every time I speak his name,

01:11:28.751 --> 01:11:32.287
it gives me a chance
to talk about him again.

01:11:32.321 --> 01:11:33.989
Sunrise, to the sunrise.

01:11:34.023 --> 01:11:36.158
So now I'm a facilitator

01:11:36.191 --> 01:11:40.296
in a suicide group.

01:11:40.329 --> 01:11:44.466
(music)

01:11:44.500 --> 01:11:49.038
We're here to release Brandon.

01:11:49.071 --> 01:11:52.675
Dear Brandon, we love you.

01:11:52.708 --> 01:11:55.044
We miss you.

01:11:55.077 --> 01:11:57.980
But now you're free.

01:11:58.013 --> 01:12:00.015
You're free and you're at peace.

01:12:00.049 --> 01:12:08.049
(music)

01:12:14.096 --> 01:12:16.865
(indistinct conversations)

01:12:16.899 --> 01:12:23.105
(music)

01:12:23.138 --> 01:12:27.042
Fel got a full-time faculty
position at Temple University.

01:12:27.076 --> 01:12:30.579
So we're moving to Philly
and that also means

01:12:30.612 --> 01:12:34.216
that I get to work on
Live Through This full-time.

01:12:34.249 --> 01:12:36.919
- Where's your dad?
- Hold on.

01:12:36.952 --> 01:12:39.855
(music)

01:12:39.888 --> 01:12:41.757
Found my dad.

01:12:41.790 --> 01:12:46.762
(music)

01:12:46.795 --> 01:12:48.897
I don't know, it's kinda scary.

01:12:48.931 --> 01:12:52.935
I have been known to
be bad at transitions.

01:12:52.968 --> 01:12:55.104
Put it down, put it down.

01:12:55.137 --> 01:12:57.973
- You can tell it's your dad...
- Put my father down.

01:12:58.006 --> 01:13:06.006
(music)

01:13:07.049 --> 01:13:09.985
(horn honking)

01:13:10.018 --> 01:13:12.287
Stop it, stop!

01:13:12.321 --> 01:13:14.656
Stop!

01:13:14.690 --> 01:13:22.690
(music)

01:13:26.602 --> 01:13:28.871
The only way we're really gonna
continue to move forward

01:13:28.904 --> 01:13:33.408
into the future of suicide
prevention is together.

01:13:33.442 --> 01:13:35.778
Thank you very much
for your time.

01:13:35.811 --> 01:13:38.814
(applause)

01:13:41.784 --> 01:13:43.919
I just need to take a break.

01:13:43.952 --> 01:13:47.756
Recharge myself and
come back swinging.

01:13:50.526 --> 01:13:52.294
Daddy, I miss you,

01:13:52.327 --> 01:13:56.031
I really want you to come back.

01:13:56.064 --> 01:13:58.167
I love you.

01:13:58.200 --> 01:14:01.804
(music)

01:14:01.837 --> 01:14:04.807
I have a family that's in the
prime of their life right now.

01:14:04.840 --> 01:14:07.709
My kids are at an age
they're never gonna be at.

01:14:07.743 --> 01:14:09.678
Something has to give.

01:14:09.711 --> 01:14:12.514
I still wanna be involved
in suicide prevention.

01:14:12.548 --> 01:14:15.517
But the balance is the
most difficult part.

01:14:15.551 --> 01:14:18.453
There is definitely
an incredible feeling

01:14:18.487 --> 01:14:21.256
of purpose when
I talk to people.

01:14:21.290 --> 01:14:23.225
(applause)

01:14:23.258 --> 01:14:26.762
He gets his talks, and
he writes fantastic things,

01:14:26.795 --> 01:14:29.131
and he has little girls
who adore him, I love him.

01:14:29.164 --> 01:14:32.868
I mean, it's... he's doing it.

01:14:32.901 --> 01:14:35.971
- Yeah.
- Where's your water?

01:14:36.004 --> 01:14:38.674
I'm gonna be
40 years old this year

01:14:38.707 --> 01:14:41.376
and I'm actually very,
very excited about that.

01:14:41.410 --> 01:14:44.546
I think it's awesome.

01:14:44.580 --> 01:14:46.315
There was a time in my life
when I never thought

01:14:46.348 --> 01:14:49.151
I'd make it that far.

01:14:49.184 --> 01:14:51.687
It's a scary subject.

01:14:51.720 --> 01:14:54.857
Nobody goes around saying,
"Hey, my kid committed suicide."

01:14:54.890 --> 01:14:57.693
You know, nobody does that.

01:14:57.726 --> 01:15:00.329
When my dad read the book,
he called me up

01:15:00.362 --> 01:15:03.632
and he said,
"I finished your book."

01:15:03.665 --> 01:15:06.335
I said, "Yeah," and he goes,

01:15:06.368 --> 01:15:08.203
"I'm sorry."

01:15:08.237 --> 01:15:10.772
It was the worst book I ever
read and it was the best book

01:15:10.806 --> 01:15:14.877
I ever read,
if that makes any sense.

01:15:14.910 --> 01:15:18.914
I'm just glad everything's
the way it is.

01:15:18.947 --> 01:15:22.251
(music)

01:15:22.284 --> 01:15:23.852
Now it's not just me.

01:15:23.886 --> 01:15:27.222
If I fall, it affects
my children,

01:15:27.256 --> 01:15:30.692
it affects my family.

01:15:30.726 --> 01:15:34.196
My four-year-old,
she has seen the book,

01:15:34.229 --> 01:15:38.233
and she was sitting on the floor
and she's holding the cover

01:15:38.267 --> 01:15:41.737
and she goes, "Daddy, you look
like you're in a dark cave."

01:15:41.770 --> 01:15:43.772
I said, "Yeah, it does
look like that."

01:15:43.805 --> 01:15:45.841
And she said, "You look sad."

01:15:45.874 --> 01:15:49.711
I said, "Yeah, but
I'm not there anymore."

01:15:49.745 --> 01:15:53.181
And she goes, "And you'll
never be there again."

01:15:53.215 --> 01:15:57.853
(music)

01:15:57.886 --> 01:16:00.789
I will never tell you that

01:16:00.822 --> 01:16:03.759
if I can do it
you can do it too,

01:16:03.792 --> 01:16:06.728
but I will tell you there was
a time when I truly believed

01:16:06.762 --> 01:16:08.730
that I could not do it.

01:16:08.764 --> 01:16:12.467
I believed with my heart
that I was done,

01:16:12.501 --> 01:16:15.137
and I was wrong.

01:16:15.170 --> 01:16:18.006
Okay, careful.

01:16:18.040 --> 01:16:20.842
(music)

01:16:20.876 --> 01:16:23.045
Live Through This has
given me a community.

01:16:23.078 --> 01:16:25.013
I didn't think that
I was looking for people

01:16:25.047 --> 01:16:27.382
who understood me, who
could look me in the eye

01:16:27.416 --> 01:16:29.184
and say, "Yeah, I get it,"

01:16:29.217 --> 01:16:31.887
but that's exactly
what I was looking for.

01:16:31.920 --> 01:16:34.022
(indistinct conversations)

01:16:34.056 --> 01:16:36.625
I wanna know what you're doing
now and what your journey's

01:16:36.658 --> 01:16:38.860
been like to get you here today.

01:16:38.894 --> 01:16:40.696
- Let's see.
- You've lived through it.

01:16:40.729 --> 01:16:42.064
- I've lived through it.
- So you're taking almost

01:16:42.097 --> 01:16:45.000
an expert advice there,
and they're following

01:16:45.033 --> 01:16:47.736
and getting involved with
you and your organization.

01:16:47.769 --> 01:16:50.872
- It's all about peers.
- Absolutely.

01:16:50.906 --> 01:16:52.574
Yes!

01:16:52.607 --> 01:16:54.876
(music)

01:16:54.910 --> 01:16:57.913
Dese'Rae, I am pleased
to be presenting you

01:16:57.946 --> 01:17:00.582
this Peer Leadership Award.

01:17:00.615 --> 01:17:03.085
(cheering)

01:17:03.118 --> 01:17:05.587
(applause)

01:17:05.620 --> 01:17:10.959
(music)

01:17:10.993 --> 01:17:13.595
Hi, folks, we wanna announce
the winner of the Paul Quinnett

01:17:13.628 --> 01:17:16.131
Lived Experience Writing Award.

01:17:16.164 --> 01:17:19.568
It's my great pleasure to give
this award to Dese'Rae Stage.

01:17:19.601 --> 01:17:22.070
(cheering)

01:17:22.104 --> 01:17:24.106
(applause)

01:17:24.139 --> 01:17:26.375
I got an award.

01:17:26.408 --> 01:17:29.745
I gave it to my mom.

01:17:29.778 --> 01:17:32.180
I was like, "Look,
I'm a gay leader."

01:17:32.214 --> 01:17:35.317
Thank you so much.

01:17:35.350 --> 01:17:39.421
They're invested in helping
each other continue to live,

01:17:39.454 --> 01:17:40.889
and even when
it feels impossible,

01:17:40.922 --> 01:17:42.624
there's a hand for them to hold.

01:17:42.657 --> 01:17:45.127
(music)

01:17:46.895 --> 01:17:48.930
It's the ultimate taboo.

01:17:48.964 --> 01:17:51.900
As human beings,
we're terrified of death,

01:17:51.933 --> 01:17:53.869
and people who are
suicidal remind us

01:17:53.902 --> 01:17:56.738
of that thing that
we wanna forget.

01:17:56.772 --> 01:17:59.741
The revolution in mental
health is happening

01:17:59.775 --> 01:18:01.910
and we are at the forefront.

01:18:01.943 --> 01:18:04.613
You are the people who
gave me a better future.

01:18:04.646 --> 01:18:08.650
You're the people I found when
I was told that I was all alone.

01:18:08.683 --> 01:18:10.185
When I say, "Split this,"
y'all say, "Rock."

01:18:10.218 --> 01:18:11.253
- Split this!
- Rock!

01:18:11.286 --> 01:18:12.754
- Split this!
- Rock!

01:18:12.788 --> 01:18:15.757
All right, everyone,
let's march.

01:18:15.791 --> 01:18:19.061
Activism and the relationships
that I formed

01:18:19.094 --> 01:18:20.896
with other people who understood

01:18:20.929 --> 01:18:23.465
what I had been through,
that was huge.

01:18:23.498 --> 01:18:25.200
Show me what democracy
looks like!

01:18:25.233 --> 01:18:28.770
This is what democracy
looks like!

01:18:28.804 --> 01:18:31.273
Non-violent action.

01:18:31.306 --> 01:18:33.108
I found my tribe.

01:18:33.141 --> 01:18:34.910
(music)

01:18:34.943 --> 01:18:37.712
For the first time in my life,
I didn't feel alone.

01:18:37.746 --> 01:18:41.083
I didn't feel like a freak.

01:18:41.116 --> 01:18:44.886
I sat on the steps
and I just howled.

01:18:44.920 --> 01:18:48.356
I just howled for that
person who, you know,

01:18:48.390 --> 01:18:50.992
saw no hope and, you know,

01:18:51.026 --> 01:18:54.563
just hurt herself over and over.

01:18:54.596 --> 01:18:58.867
We all have the things that
light a fire underneath us.

01:18:58.900 --> 01:19:03.405
I'm on mission to avenge
my parents' deaths.

01:19:03.438 --> 01:19:06.908
As hopeless as I was,
something inside me said

01:19:06.942 --> 01:19:09.077
I was deserving
of a better future.

01:19:09.111 --> 01:19:12.013
Psychiatry and the mental health
system were not going to give it

01:19:12.047 --> 01:19:15.050
to me, I would have
to find it on my own.

01:19:15.083 --> 01:19:17.352
Sorry, would you mind
grabbing this piece?

01:19:17.385 --> 01:19:19.020
Thank you.

01:19:19.054 --> 01:19:21.490
I would never say that
someone is beyond hope.

01:19:21.523 --> 01:19:23.291
I just don't think that way.

01:19:23.325 --> 01:19:26.194
I think there's people who've
been pushed to the point

01:19:26.228 --> 01:19:29.731
where they just don't
see any other option,

01:19:29.764 --> 01:19:32.534
and that's not their fault,
that's our fault

01:19:32.567 --> 01:19:34.603
as a society, collectively.

01:19:34.636 --> 01:19:37.939
(indistinct chanting)

01:19:37.973 --> 01:19:39.875
We need to stop looking
at the symptoms

01:19:39.908 --> 01:19:41.910
and look at the cause
and the root.

01:19:41.943 --> 01:19:45.580
So I'm excited, 'cause I feel
like the tide is turning.

01:19:45.614 --> 01:19:49.818
This is a wake-up call to
the suicide prevention field,

01:19:49.851 --> 01:19:52.821
to really the entire
medical establishment,

01:19:52.854 --> 01:19:54.856
to our lawmakers.

01:19:54.890 --> 01:19:58.326
We actually have solutions.

01:19:58.360 --> 01:20:00.962
When you bring in the
first person perspective

01:20:00.996 --> 01:20:04.132
of those of us who've been there
it brings life into it.

01:20:04.166 --> 01:20:07.636
We're the people who survived.

01:20:07.669 --> 01:20:10.105
We're changing a culture.

01:20:10.138 --> 01:20:11.773
We're changing the way
things have been done

01:20:11.806 --> 01:20:14.776
for years and years
and years and years.

01:20:14.809 --> 01:20:16.811
We aren't going anywhere.

01:20:16.845 --> 01:20:20.348
We can't change anything
if we disappear.

01:20:20.382 --> 01:20:22.150
(applause)

01:20:22.184 --> 01:20:24.853
We have hundreds of people
here right now

01:20:24.886 --> 01:20:26.621
all with one intention,

01:20:26.655 --> 01:20:29.624
to do everything they can
to prevent future suicides,

01:20:29.658 --> 01:20:31.493
and that's it.

01:20:31.526 --> 01:20:32.794
Okay, everybody look pretty.

01:20:32.827 --> 01:20:34.629
And that's us.

01:20:34.663 --> 01:20:36.198
There's others
all over the place.

01:20:36.231 --> 01:20:38.867
There's tons more people
we don't hear from

01:20:38.900 --> 01:20:40.569
that are doing the same thing.

01:20:40.602 --> 01:20:42.204
Raise your hands!

01:20:42.237 --> 01:20:45.173
(cheering)

01:20:45.207 --> 01:20:50.779
(music)

01:20:50.812 --> 01:20:53.782
(applause)

01:20:53.815 --> 01:20:55.784
(music)

01:20:55.817 --> 01:20:57.185
The more people
who are talking about

01:20:57.219 --> 01:21:00.088
their family's experiences,
their own experiences,

01:21:00.121 --> 01:21:03.558
the less secrecy,
the less ignorance.

01:21:03.592 --> 01:21:05.694
I think that's all to the good.

01:21:05.727 --> 01:21:10.932
(music)

01:21:10.966 --> 01:21:15.704
I felt a funeral in my brain.

01:21:15.737 --> 01:21:18.807
Just then, a plank
in reason broke

01:21:18.840 --> 01:21:22.110
and I fell down and down

01:21:22.143 --> 01:21:24.846
and hit a world at every plunge.

01:21:24.879 --> 01:21:27.816
I would love for anyone
who is close to suicide

01:21:27.849 --> 01:21:31.586
to contemplate the question of
whether things could get better

01:21:31.620 --> 01:21:33.288
and whether if things got better

01:21:33.321 --> 01:21:34.956
it would be worth
not doing this.

01:21:34.990 --> 01:21:37.692
And I think for most people,
the answer is yes.

01:21:37.726 --> 01:21:45.726
(music)

01:21:48.036 --> 01:21:50.038
What would you say to suicide
if it was a thing,

01:21:50.071 --> 01:21:51.406
if it was a person?

01:21:51.439 --> 01:21:53.208
I'd say, "Suck it!"

01:21:53.241 --> 01:21:57.379
Suck It Suicide is just
one giant happy accident

01:21:57.412 --> 01:22:00.181
about sad things.

01:22:00.215 --> 01:22:03.585
The services that we offer are
for survivors of suicide loss.

01:22:03.618 --> 01:22:07.022
Paying for funerals, memorial
services, clean-up services,

01:22:07.055 --> 01:22:09.190
making sure they have
resources that are available.

01:22:09.224 --> 01:22:11.559
You guys are making
a difference.

01:22:11.593 --> 01:22:13.895
(cheering)

01:22:13.928 --> 01:22:15.964
We could be saving
lives if we changed

01:22:15.997 --> 01:22:17.499
the way that we did things.

01:22:17.532 --> 01:22:20.602
It is criminal
at this point not to.

01:22:20.635 --> 01:22:23.204
These are some very
impressive teenagers.

01:22:23.238 --> 01:22:25.140
They shared personal
stories tonight

01:22:25.173 --> 01:22:27.676
about how suicide
has affected their lives.

01:22:27.709 --> 01:22:33.715
(music)

01:22:33.748 --> 01:22:35.483
When I started doing
these meetings on the Hill,

01:22:35.517 --> 01:22:38.353
you know, I had a nose ring
and I took off my nose ring,

01:22:38.386 --> 01:22:42.290
and you know, I don't dress like
this, but I feel like I have to

01:22:42.324 --> 01:22:44.859
sort of dress the part
being up on the Hill.

01:22:44.893 --> 01:22:48.863
(music)

01:22:48.897 --> 01:22:50.865
We're at a tipping point.

01:22:50.899 --> 01:22:52.567
The more voices will
bring more voices,

01:22:52.600 --> 01:22:54.536
and just like all the other
social movements, you know,

01:22:54.569 --> 01:22:55.870
we're probably gonna
look back in 20 years

01:22:55.904 --> 01:22:57.939
and think,
"Why was that so hard?"

01:22:57.972 --> 01:23:05.480
(music)

01:23:05.513 --> 01:23:08.817
(cheering)

01:23:08.850 --> 01:23:11.586
(indistinct shouting)

01:23:11.619 --> 01:23:19.619
(music)

01:23:20.595 --> 01:23:22.597
Political change, it has to
start from the grassroots.

01:23:22.630 --> 01:23:26.534
It's not just gonna
happen on its own.

01:23:26.568 --> 01:23:30.839
So I've been pushing for actual
real world legislation

01:23:30.872 --> 01:23:35.043
for people who've attempted
suicide or who are struggling.

01:23:35.076 --> 01:23:37.846
We have to get this
reflected in policies.

01:23:37.879 --> 01:23:44.853
(music)

01:23:44.886 --> 01:23:47.021
Today I stand up.

01:23:47.055 --> 01:23:49.657
I stand up as an attempt
survivor and as someone

01:23:49.691 --> 01:23:53.294
who wants to see and make
real lasting change happen.

01:23:53.328 --> 01:23:56.197
And I hope you'll stand with me,
because more and more

01:23:56.231 --> 01:23:58.333
it becomes clear to me
that I am never alone,

01:23:58.366 --> 01:24:01.970
that we are never, ever alone.

01:24:02.003 --> 01:24:04.472
(cheering)

01:24:04.506 --> 01:24:06.975
(applause)

01:24:07.008 --> 01:24:10.712
(music)

01:24:10.745 --> 01:24:15.150
We're not only taking
back our identities.

01:24:15.183 --> 01:24:17.786
We're taking control
over our narratives.

01:24:17.819 --> 01:24:25.819
(music)

01:24:38.706 --> 01:24:42.510
I'm eight years old and I'm
thinking about suicide.

01:24:42.544 --> 01:24:45.680
I'm thinking about life,
about death.

01:24:45.713 --> 01:24:48.516
More than anything
I'm thinking, "What if?

01:24:48.550 --> 01:24:51.453
What if I don't have to
live this life anymore?"

01:24:51.486 --> 01:24:58.626
(music)

01:24:58.660 --> 01:25:02.931
I'm 20 years old and
I'm thinking of suicide.

01:25:02.964 --> 01:25:06.434
I'm thinking how I spend more
time in a psychiatric hospital

01:25:06.468 --> 01:25:09.737
than I did in a classroom.

01:25:09.771 --> 01:25:12.674
More than anything,
I'm thinking, "What if?

01:25:12.707 --> 01:25:15.643
What if I don't have to
live this life anymore?"

01:25:15.677 --> 01:25:21.683
(music)

01:25:21.716 --> 01:25:25.687
Thirty-four years old and
I'm standing at an altar,

01:25:25.720 --> 01:25:27.722
and she is saying, "Yes.

01:25:27.755 --> 01:25:30.692
Yes, I will spend the rest
of my life with you."

01:25:30.725 --> 01:25:34.662
(music)

01:25:34.696 --> 01:25:36.397
When two people
collide like that

01:25:36.431 --> 01:25:39.501
it's a special kind
of magic that happens.

01:25:39.534 --> 01:25:42.437
Des and Fel are each
other's happiest accident.

01:25:42.470 --> 01:25:44.672
(music)

01:25:44.706 --> 01:25:47.842
I'm sitting on the edge
of a bed that I own

01:25:47.876 --> 01:25:49.711
in a house that I bought.

01:25:49.744 --> 01:25:52.747
In my arms is a baby girl,

01:25:52.780 --> 01:25:54.649
and I'm thinking, "What if?

01:25:54.682 --> 01:25:58.152
My God, what if I didn't
live this life?"

01:25:58.186 --> 01:26:02.824
I vow to be your family,
your friend, your love.

01:26:02.857 --> 01:26:04.859
I love you.

01:26:04.893 --> 01:26:08.029
(music)

01:26:08.062 --> 01:26:10.665
I will commit to
the rest of this life

01:26:10.698 --> 01:26:15.270
no matter how bad it hurts,
no matter how scary it gets.

01:26:15.303 --> 01:26:17.472
I never knew what
a healthy relationship

01:26:17.505 --> 01:26:19.707
looked like until I found you.

01:26:19.741 --> 01:26:22.143
I never knew what
normal felt like.

01:26:22.176 --> 01:26:27.482
(music)

01:26:27.515 --> 01:26:31.553
You are everything and I will
always love you no matter what.

01:26:31.586 --> 01:26:35.390
"What if I never
lived this life?"

01:26:35.423 --> 01:26:36.658
I'm standing in
front of you today

01:26:36.691 --> 01:26:39.127
and I'm asking myself
that question.

01:26:39.160 --> 01:26:41.729
What if I never lived that life?

01:26:41.763 --> 01:26:46.100
And I can tell you I am
so grateful that I have.

01:26:46.134 --> 01:26:48.236
Thank you very much.

01:26:48.269 --> 01:26:50.939
(applause)

01:26:50.972 --> 01:26:58.972
(music)

01:26:59.347 --> 01:27:03.718
I pronounce you bitches married.

01:27:03.751 --> 01:27:06.521
You may kiss the brides!

01:27:06.554 --> 01:27:09.557
(cheering)

01:27:09.591 --> 01:27:14.929
(music)

01:27:14.963 --> 01:27:18.366
I think we all have the
capacity to be saving lives.

01:27:18.399 --> 01:27:20.568
Why can't it stop?

01:27:20.602 --> 01:27:22.971
(cheering)

01:27:23.004 --> 01:27:24.672
(music)

01:27:24.706 --> 01:27:26.641
I want them to see
their stories,

01:27:26.674 --> 01:27:27.742
I want them to share
their stories,

01:27:27.775 --> 01:27:30.511
I want them to be proud
of their stories.

01:27:30.545 --> 01:27:38.419
(music)

01:27:38.453 --> 01:27:41.122
You know, it's a project
about suicide,

01:27:41.155 --> 01:27:43.124
but I'm focusing on life.

01:27:43.157 --> 01:27:51.157
(music)

01:28:02.410 --> 01:28:06.047
Went to a show down the road

01:28:06.080 --> 01:28:08.783
it looked just like a dust bowl

01:28:08.816 --> 01:28:12.286
Stood in the crowd
and felt alone

01:28:12.320 --> 01:28:15.623
Changed so much
that I don't know

01:28:15.657 --> 01:28:19.060
what anything is anymore

01:28:19.093 --> 01:28:22.163
Who I am or who I was before

01:28:22.196 --> 01:28:24.766
Here is a sneak peek.

01:28:24.799 --> 01:28:28.136
The first proof copy
came in today.

01:28:28.169 --> 01:28:30.972
It's called The Chicken
and The Tree.

01:28:31.005 --> 01:28:33.641
My very first children's book.

01:28:33.675 --> 01:28:35.910
(music)

01:28:35.943 --> 01:28:39.580
But I'm all right for now

01:28:39.614 --> 01:28:42.016
(music)

01:28:42.050 --> 01:28:49.424
I get in my head and then
I just can't get out

01:28:49.457 --> 01:28:53.061
When I fall behind

01:28:53.094 --> 01:28:57.465
you're all I need

01:28:57.498 --> 01:29:01.969
Will you wait for me?

01:29:02.003 --> 01:29:08.843
(music)

01:29:08.876 --> 01:29:12.246
It's what I'm feeling
all my life

01:29:12.280 --> 01:29:15.583
Christmas morning as a child

01:29:15.616 --> 01:29:18.820
Burning candles make a fire

01:29:18.853 --> 01:29:21.923
Me and my brother,
we were smiling

01:29:21.956 --> 01:29:25.893
It's no surprise
I fail to find that

01:29:25.927 --> 01:29:29.297
I think I've made it up

01:29:29.330 --> 01:29:32.600
(music)

01:29:32.633 --> 01:29:38.773
I'm not all right right now

01:29:38.806 --> 01:29:46.013
I got in my bed and now
I can't get back out

01:29:46.047 --> 01:29:49.984
When I fall behind

01:29:50.017 --> 01:29:53.488
I want to see

01:29:53.521 --> 01:29:55.656
I always feel like I'm,
like, in a life game

01:29:55.690 --> 01:29:59.794
of Frogger in which, like,

01:29:59.827 --> 01:30:03.464
at any time a pedestrian
will just roll up.

01:30:03.498 --> 01:30:06.667
They just assume
you will see them.

01:30:06.701 --> 01:30:08.970
It's definitely a partnership.

01:30:09.003 --> 01:30:17.003
(music)

01:30:21.716 --> 01:30:26.888
I woke up in a tailspin

01:30:26.921 --> 01:30:30.057
(music)

01:30:30.091 --> 01:30:32.693
And you said

01:30:32.727 --> 01:30:35.329
(music)

01:30:35.363 --> 01:30:41.636
Are you all right right now?

01:30:41.669 --> 01:30:48.643
If you're in your head,
I can help bring you out

01:30:48.676 --> 01:30:55.016
When you fall behind
I hope you fall on me

01:30:55.049 --> 01:30:58.653
(music)

01:30:58.686 --> 01:31:05.893
I'm all right for now

01:31:05.927 --> 01:31:08.996
I believe that we will win,
I believe that we will win.

01:31:09.030 --> 01:31:12.099
I feel pretty bad, 'cause I had
intended to get arrested,

01:31:12.133 --> 01:31:15.770
but I have a dental emergency
that I need to take care of

01:31:15.803 --> 01:31:18.039
so I don't die of an abscess.

01:31:18.072 --> 01:31:21.475
So I figure I should just live
to get arrested another day.

01:31:21.509 --> 01:31:29.509
(music)

01:31:54.041 --> 01:31:56.410
(laughing)

01:31:56.444 --> 01:31:58.479
- What?
- Naturally.

01:31:58.512 --> 01:32:00.781
That's amazing.

01:32:00.815 --> 01:32:08.815
(music)