The S Word (62 min)

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A suicide attempt survivor is on a mission to find fellow survivors and document their stories of unguarded courage, insight, pain, and humor. Along the way, she discovers a national community rising to transform personal struggles into action. THE S WORD chronicles her journey and these survivors in a powerful feature documentary that puts a human face to a topic that has long been stigmatized and buried with the lives it has claimed. Suicide affects people of all ages, races, faiths, ethnicities, gender presentations, sexual orientations, professions, and so much more.

THE S WORD skillfully weaves stories of survivors from a cross-section of America including LGBT, African American and Asian American communities, who candidly share their profoundly emotional stories of trauma, mental health challenges, survival, and advocacy. The film’s narrative flows organically from one story to the next, starting with personal moments and building emotional momentum before widening out to show how their journeys are driving the national movement to take the “S” word from unthinkable to preventable.

Educational Media Reviews Online (EMRO) | Bryan J. Sajecki, University at Buffalo
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED "This film will be a strong addition to any academic library, especially one with a focus on mental health and psychology. In addition, the film would benefit a younger audience in high schools and the general population."

Video Librarian ★★★½
"Presented in both its full-length version and a one-hour abridged edition, this powerful film about a tragically perennial mental health issue is highly recommended."

Booklist
"Via comments from psychologists and other experts, viewers learn the importance of bringing suicide and mental illness out in the open, breaking the stigma and silence. Even those participants who admit to ongoing struggles speak of hope for the future. An original music score accents this program that raises suicide-prevention awareness and opens avenues of discussion in an ultimately life-affirming fashion."

Oakwood School, CA | Ivan Johnson, Dean of Students
"As a school administrator, I hear from parents and students everyday about the stress that our students are under. As educators we have a responsibility to do better; no kid should feel alone and feel like they have nobody who sees them. Changing the culture of our schools and changing the emotional experience our students are having is vital for our future as educators. THE S WORD will become one of the great tools for educators to start doing this work on a higher and more effective level."

Dr. Sally Spencer-Thomas, Impact Entrepreneur and Professional Speaker in Suicide Prevention
"THE S WORD will move your soul. Through both laughter and tears we walk on a journey with suicide attempt survivors and loss survivors as they find pathways back to hope and healing. When we debuted the movie with a private screening before it's official launch at the American Association of Suicidology's Annual Conference, the thunderous applause and standing ovation could be heard all over Phoenix. Lisa Klein is a genius -- able to capture the struggles and triumphs of all of the men and women in her film with such tenderness and compassion. This is by far the best depiction of a wide range of lived experiences with suicide that I have ever seen. It's bound to bring the ‘the S word’ out of the closet into the light of recovery."

Congregation Rodef Sholom | JoAnne Forman, LMFT, REAL Mental Health Initiative Program Coordinator
"Screening THE S WORD in our community had a powerful impact on breaking through the silence that so often surrounds talking about the topic of suicide. It has helped decrease stigma and provide space for people with lived experience to share their own stories and be supported in new ways by our community. THANK YOU for this beautiful film!"

Pivotal Points | Kevin Briggs, Speaker, Author & Veteran
"THE S WORD takes you on a profound journey through the minds of people who are struggling with mental health issues. Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. It is superbly done and a must-see for anyone interested in behavioral health.”

American Association of Suicidology | Dr. Wiliam Schmitz Jr., PsyD, Past President
"THE S WORD has the potential to do more for suicide prevention in one year than I have in my career… We can all learn from this film."

Southeast Louisiana Veterans’ Health Care System | April Foreman, Psychologist
"I kept finding that I was crying and laughing at the same time. No one expects to be inspired by a documentary on suicide but viewers will leave informed, inspired and uplifted."

The University of Arizona | Galen McCaw, Media Specialist with Landmark Stories
"THE S WORD reminds us of the humanity of all people, of all walks of life, who have stood at the precipice of taking their own lives. The film's integrity is rooted in its honest depiction of the complexity of the problem of suicide, managing to be optimistic without ever straying from authenticity."

A MARC record for this title is not available yet.

Keywords

Counseling, Suicidology, Mental Health, Psychology, Crisis Intervention, Family Studies; "The S Word"; GOOD DOCS

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(music)

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The only direction
I really give them

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is to look into my lens.

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(music)

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I want whoever's looking
at the picture

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to be looking into
this person's eyes...

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(music)

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(clicking)

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(music)

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because we've always,
always, always looked away...

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(music)

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and it's not time
to look away anymore.

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(music)

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(camera shutter clicking)

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(music)

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All right, shoulder forward.

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(music)

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There you go.

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Right, I was actually
just terrified, I'm like...

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(music)

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Sorry.

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I think it's so awkward.

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(music)

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I was scared about
having graduated college,

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I was scared about life,
I was scared about money.

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(music)

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I just lost it, like,
that was the tipping point.

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(music)

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"Nobody else has felt
this before?"

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(music)

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This is just the day
I tried to kill myself,

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just all day,
all day I was going.

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(music)

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I just didn't really know
what to do next.

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(music)

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I hadn't really discussed
my attempt with people.

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It wasn't a thing that I could
talk to, like, my boss about.

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On bad days, I couldn't
call out depressed.

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(music)

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I started to look for
other people like me.

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I was kind of like,

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"Why do I feel like
I'm the only one?"

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I know that I hear
about suicide on TV.

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The 14-year-old teenager
committed suicide

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after the release
of an embarrassing video.

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Actor Robin Williams
is dead at the age of 63

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from an apparent suicide.

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How could you think
of killing yourself?

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We love you.

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What he did was selfish.

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I just can't imagine
things getting so messed up

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that you would consider
taking your own life.

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But where is everyone,
why am I the only one, like,

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"Yeah, that happened to me
and that sucked"?

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I decided that I would interview

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other attempt survivors
and get their stories,

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whatever they wanted to tell me.

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And then,
right after they told me,

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I would make a portrait.

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(rain pattering)

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I know you've been a model.

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(music)

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(camera shutter clicking)

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(music)

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Play artist Cold Steel Crown.

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Playing the artist
Cold Steel Crown.

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(music)

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There was a part of me
that really liked

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those incredibly dark moments

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where I felt like nobody else
experiences things like I do.

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Make it fear me

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The sky is falling

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But it's only on me

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(chuckles)

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I'm too old for it now.

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Stay still,
let it pass 'round me

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(music)

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The first time
I considered suicide,

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I was eight years old.

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I remember standing
in my kitchen

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and no one else was home,
I was there, and I was alone,

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I was very alone.

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And in the sink

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was this large chef's knife,

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and I kept thinking,
"What could it do to me?"

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I know what
it's capable of doing.

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It could make my life end.

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(music)

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At that time,
I was being molested

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and had been being molested
for a few years prior.

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(music)

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Most of the incidents occurred
in a crawl space

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beneath my house.

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There were times when I could
hear my family's footsteps

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on the floor above me
while it was going on.

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Nobody knew about it

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except for the kids
in the neighborhood

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and the kids
I went to school with,

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and at that age, I mean,
talk about ammo for bullying.

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(music)

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I just reached a point
where I stopped caring,

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I stopped believing.

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That's where my heart
broke for life.

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I didn't want to live life.

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(music)

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I sat on the edge of
a rented bed one night.

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I filled my body with pills
and I went to sleep...

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(music)

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and I had no intention
of waking up.

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(music)

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I remember my... my brother,

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on the third day that I was
in the intensive care unit,

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they were almost ready
to release me

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to a psychiatric hospital
for evaluation,

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and it was just my brother
and I in there alone.

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He was very quiet.

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We didn't know what to say,
and all of a sudden,

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he leans over to me and he says,

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"What's gonna make you
want to stay?"

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(music)

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I think the reason
that question hit me so hard

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was because I really
didn't have an answer.

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(music)

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(clanging)

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I had no idea

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when all this started,

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why he didn't talk about it.

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Maybe he was ashamed.

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I don't know what it was.

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I wish I had known.

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(music)

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That darkness is
the only life I ever knew.

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I didn't know what it was like
to be confident.

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I didn't know what it was like
to think positively.

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I was very comfortable
in a place that was dark.

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(music)

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The morning I found him,
I got up early,

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knocked on his door a few times,

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he didn't answer,
so I open it up.

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He was laying in bed.

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Picked him up, tried to
wake him up, I couldn't.

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I yelled out to call 911.

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(beeping)

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It's... that was... that was
the worst morning of my life.

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(music)

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All the nights
he went to bed crying

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and didn't want to go
to school the next day

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because he'd get his ass kicked.

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(music)

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That's the final round
doing something like that,

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and, you know, what the hell
pushed him to it?

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I had, you know?

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(music)

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It just scared
the hell out of ya.

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(beeping)

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(camera shutter clicking)

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(music)

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Just because I care,
I used a washable marker

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and brought bleach
to clean it all up with.

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(music)

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Suicide is the tenth
leading cause of death.

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If we can't talk about it,

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we sure as heck can't
do something different

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or better about it.

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We lose 112 people every day.

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That's bigger than
a small jet airplane.

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And if we had one plane
falling out of the sky

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every single day,

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I guarantee you our country
would make it a priority.

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(indistinct chatter)

00:10:11.911 --> 00:10:14.981
(camera shutter clicking)

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Good!

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All right, we're almost done.

00:10:19.018 --> 00:10:20.820
(music)

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A lot of the time,
I come across these people

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and they have never told
anyone their story.

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You know, unloading that
when it's something

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that you've been made
to feel shameful about

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is really powerful.

00:10:35.701 --> 00:10:37.436
(camera shutter clicking)

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(music)

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There are so many different
kinds of people

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that I've interviewed.

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All different shapes and sizes

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and gender presentations
and sexualities

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and ethnicities and faiths.

00:10:51.951 --> 00:10:59.951
(music)

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Oh, my God, Atticus.

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(lip smacking)

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"She was 13 when she wrote
the first suicide note.

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It was on a Post-it."

00:11:18.944 --> 00:11:23.416
(music)

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For Christmas, my mom decided

00:11:25.851 --> 00:11:27.787
that she would make me a collage

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of basically, like,
our entire lives together.

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I call her a lot
just to hear her voice,

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just to kind of be soothed

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that something is stable
in the world.

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Okay, so just do this and move?

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- Bring it, bring it over.
- Okay.

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And there's a car.

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Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

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There's a lot of stigma
and shame,

00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:50.443
especially in
the African-American community

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and, so, there was this, like,
you just have to be strong.

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But being cast
as a strong black woman,

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that almost led me to death.

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God, look at this posture.

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You know, ♪suicidesowhite?

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It's because it doesn't...

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- Can we?
- Can we, ♪suicidesowhite?

00:12:14.400 --> 00:12:15.601
Yeah.

00:12:15.634 --> 00:12:17.636
(bell ringing)

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You know,
I'm, like, a teenage girl

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and I'm telling my friends

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about not wanting to be around.

00:12:23.209 --> 00:12:25.010
When I'd say, like,
"I'm feeling really down,"

00:12:25.044 --> 00:12:27.713
they'd just be, like,
"Get over it."

00:12:27.746 --> 00:12:28.848
(music)

00:12:28.881 --> 00:12:31.784
The reaction of
the people around me

00:12:31.817 --> 00:12:34.787
was just, "Shut up."

00:12:34.820 --> 00:12:36.655
So, what I learned was,

00:12:36.689 --> 00:12:38.757
oh, I better not share
this with anyone.

00:12:38.791 --> 00:12:42.261
I better bury this
deep inside of myself

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and build this mask.

00:12:45.131 --> 00:12:48.901
(music)

00:12:48.934 --> 00:12:51.437
And then I get raped.

00:12:51.470 --> 00:12:53.939
(music)

00:12:53.973 --> 00:12:56.842
I was raped by someone
that I knew,

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someone that I thought
was a friend.

00:13:00.713 --> 00:13:03.816
In that moment,
it just exploded,

00:13:03.849 --> 00:13:05.784
the mask, the pretending,
the lying,

00:13:05.818 --> 00:13:07.953
I was like, "I don't
actually care anymore,

00:13:07.987 --> 00:13:09.688
I don't want to live."

00:13:09.722 --> 00:13:11.991
(music)

00:13:12.024 --> 00:13:16.929
All my mom could say was,
"Why, why, why, baby?"

00:13:16.962 --> 00:13:18.697
Anytime you attempt,
you first have to go

00:13:18.731 --> 00:13:20.099
to the, like, medical hospital

00:13:20.132 --> 00:13:22.902
where they, like, make sure
everything's okay.

00:13:22.935 --> 00:13:24.803
And I have this nurse tell me,

00:13:24.837 --> 00:13:28.908
"You know, don't let yourself
get raped again."

00:13:28.941 --> 00:13:30.409
I'm in a psych ward
and I'm like,

00:13:30.442 --> 00:13:34.880
"I want to react to this,
and you have power over me,

00:13:34.914 --> 00:13:35.881
and you think the helpful thing

00:13:35.915 --> 00:13:39.618
is to tell me
not to get raped again?"

00:13:39.652 --> 00:13:42.254
Meanwhile, we're watching, like,

00:13:42.288 --> 00:13:44.757
they're actually showing
Silence of the Lambs

00:13:44.790 --> 00:13:47.393
in the mental hospital,
and I'm like,

00:13:47.426 --> 00:13:49.128
I'm telling the nurses,
I'm like, "Do you guys think

00:13:49.161 --> 00:13:51.063
this is, like,
an appropriate movie choice?"

00:13:51.096 --> 00:13:52.464
You can't make that up.

00:13:52.498 --> 00:13:54.500
You can't make that up.

00:13:56.001 --> 00:13:57.770
What I learned from
being in the hospital

00:13:57.803 --> 00:14:00.506
was how never to be
in a hospital again.

00:14:00.539 --> 00:14:03.976
You know, there's still
ups and downs, I mean,

00:14:04.009 --> 00:14:05.844
you know, I find ways
through music,

00:14:05.878 --> 00:14:07.146
through my karaoke,

00:14:07.179 --> 00:14:11.150
through my poetry
to live better.

00:14:11.183 --> 00:14:13.519
(music)

00:14:13.552 --> 00:14:15.221
(laughing)

00:14:15.254 --> 00:14:16.021
Oh, my God.

00:14:16.055 --> 00:14:18.190
Secrets made me sick.

00:14:18.224 --> 00:14:20.259
That's what I really
think about it.

00:14:20.292 --> 00:14:21.627
I want more of
your hand in that,

00:14:21.660 --> 00:14:22.828
but look at that.

00:14:22.861 --> 00:14:23.796
That's my face.

00:14:23.829 --> 00:14:25.297
Hey, it's okay.

00:14:25.331 --> 00:14:27.132
It's not bad.

00:14:27.166 --> 00:14:31.937
(music)

00:14:31.971 --> 00:14:34.807
Tell me your name,
how old you are,

00:14:34.840 --> 00:14:36.809
what you do,
and then your story,

00:14:36.842 --> 00:14:38.677
however you want to tell it.

00:14:38.711 --> 00:14:40.479
Leah Harris.

00:14:40.512 --> 00:14:42.982
I'm 39.

00:14:43.015 --> 00:14:45.651
Arlington, Virginia.

00:14:45.684 --> 00:14:49.989
And I'm a mental health
advocate...

00:14:50.022 --> 00:14:51.957
/activist.

00:14:51.991 --> 00:14:54.860
When I'm... when I'm grumpy,
I'm an activist.

00:14:54.893 --> 00:14:57.630
When I'm nice, I'm an advocate.

00:14:57.663 --> 00:14:59.365
Can everybody hear me?

00:14:59.398 --> 00:15:00.499
Yeah!

00:15:00.532 --> 00:15:04.370
My name is Leah Harris,
and I am a survivor.

00:15:04.403 --> 00:15:07.206
We survived and we must
celebrate that

00:15:07.239 --> 00:15:09.608
in the midst of the grief
and the rage

00:15:09.642 --> 00:15:13.846
for all who've lost
their lives and their dreams.

00:15:13.879 --> 00:15:16.548
I remember having
my first suicidal thoughts

00:15:16.582 --> 00:15:18.217
when I was probably seven.

00:15:18.250 --> 00:15:21.987
(music)

00:15:22.021 --> 00:15:24.990
I'm a single parent
and I'm doing pretty well,

00:15:25.024 --> 00:15:27.393
and it's still hard.

00:15:27.426 --> 00:15:29.828
And just to imagine
what my mom went through

00:15:29.862 --> 00:15:32.931
trying to raise me.

00:15:32.965 --> 00:15:35.734
She was living on disability,

00:15:35.768 --> 00:15:37.936
diagnosed with schizophrenia.

00:15:37.970 --> 00:15:41.240
(music)

00:15:41.273 --> 00:15:43.575
Eventually,
the court systems came in

00:15:43.609 --> 00:15:46.879
and I was taken away from her.

00:15:46.912 --> 00:15:49.782
(music)

00:15:49.815 --> 00:15:55.120
She was institutionalized
until she died at age 46.

00:15:57.489 --> 00:15:58.824
I said, "It would
have been better

00:15:58.857 --> 00:16:01.894
if I'd never been born."

00:16:01.927 --> 00:16:05.731
So, I was shipped off
to a child psychiatrist

00:16:05.764 --> 00:16:08.500
and she would just kind of
peer at me from across a desk

00:16:08.534 --> 00:16:10.202
and show me inkblots.

00:16:10.235 --> 00:16:12.971
(music)

00:16:13.005 --> 00:16:15.974
I just always felt like
an alien, like a burden.

00:16:16.008 --> 00:16:18.944
I didn't know why I was here.

00:16:18.977 --> 00:16:21.246
(music)

00:16:21.280 --> 00:16:25.484
They placed me in a group home.

00:16:25.517 --> 00:16:27.319
And they said, "Yeah,
you're gonna have to be here

00:16:27.353 --> 00:16:28.587
for the rest of your life.

00:16:28.620 --> 00:16:31.857
You're severely disabled."

00:16:31.890 --> 00:16:34.526
I was terrified that
I was gonna go down

00:16:34.560 --> 00:16:36.795
my mother's path.

00:16:36.829 --> 00:16:39.064
I actually heard a doctor
say to my grandparents,

00:16:39.098 --> 00:16:40.866
"She has more than a 50% chance

00:16:40.899 --> 00:16:43.001
of ending up
like her parents."

00:16:43.035 --> 00:16:49.441
(music)

00:16:49.475 --> 00:16:53.212
I begged my family
to let me come home.

00:16:53.245 --> 00:16:55.748
And I'm lucky that I had them.

00:16:55.781 --> 00:16:58.183
Turn your body a little bit
to the side here.

00:16:58.217 --> 00:17:00.919
Not everybody has a family
to come home to.

00:17:00.953 --> 00:17:02.654
Don't look so uncomfortable.

00:17:02.688 --> 00:17:04.957
Loose, loose, loose.

00:17:04.990 --> 00:17:08.861
Things kind of started
to shift for me then.

00:17:08.894 --> 00:17:10.829
I got my high school diploma.

00:17:10.863 --> 00:17:12.631
(music)

00:17:12.664 --> 00:17:15.534
I just started to have, like,
the smallest amount of hope.

00:17:15.567 --> 00:17:19.805
Look into my lens
so I can see your soul.

00:17:19.838 --> 00:17:22.875
(music)

00:17:22.908 --> 00:17:24.009
That's it.

00:17:24.042 --> 00:17:32.042
(music)

00:17:32.918 --> 00:17:34.653
It's sort of like
a mission for me

00:17:34.686 --> 00:17:38.190
to support others
who have been suicidal

00:17:38.223 --> 00:17:40.893
to become advocates.

00:17:40.926 --> 00:17:42.528
And Iden, like myself,

00:17:42.561 --> 00:17:45.364
is somebody who really views
mental health

00:17:45.397 --> 00:17:48.167
as a social justice issue.

00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:51.370
As somebody that is not

00:17:51.403 --> 00:17:53.539
necessarily female or male,

00:17:53.572 --> 00:17:57.242
I've purposefully
worked really hard

00:17:57.276 --> 00:18:00.579
over the last four years
trying to stay here.

00:18:00.612 --> 00:18:03.582
The part of me that wants
to live is much stronger.

00:18:03.615 --> 00:18:07.653
You know, that balance was not
always so firm, you know?

00:18:07.686 --> 00:18:12.124
It was often skewed much more
towards wanting to die.

00:18:12.157 --> 00:18:16.428
Every trans person you meet
is an advocate.

00:18:16.462 --> 00:18:19.398
Like, they always say,
"All of us know each other."

00:18:19.431 --> 00:18:23.368
We all know each other
because we're all activists.

00:18:23.402 --> 00:18:26.338
Time magazine said
this is our tipping point.

00:18:26.371 --> 00:18:28.841
We have a hell of a lot
more work to do

00:18:28.874 --> 00:18:30.676
because all the laws
in the world

00:18:30.709 --> 00:18:35.514
will not make a difference
if half of us are dead.

00:18:35.547 --> 00:18:38.016
And that is what is happening.

00:18:38.050 --> 00:18:39.885
Trans rights are human rights!

00:18:39.918 --> 00:18:41.186
The violence that we experience,

00:18:41.220 --> 00:18:43.355
the discrimination,

00:18:43.388 --> 00:18:46.658
that's where these suicidal
thoughts are coming from.

00:18:46.692 --> 00:18:50.229
Because we know that it's
literally life or death for us,

00:18:50.262 --> 00:18:53.432
that fire is huge.

00:18:53.465 --> 00:18:54.800
(music)

00:18:54.833 --> 00:18:57.069
All right, I think
this is the last question.

00:18:57.102 --> 00:18:59.905
Is suicide still
an option for you?

00:18:59.938 --> 00:19:01.206
I don't know
that I'll ever be cured

00:19:01.240 --> 00:19:02.941
of having suicidal feelings

00:19:02.975 --> 00:19:05.277
and I don't know
that I need to be,

00:19:05.310 --> 00:19:08.146
but I do know that, you know,

00:19:08.180 --> 00:19:11.450
I want to be there
to see my son grow up.

00:19:11.483 --> 00:19:13.819
That's really important to me.

00:19:13.852 --> 00:19:19.458
(music)

00:19:19.491 --> 00:19:21.059
Hello?

00:19:21.093 --> 00:19:22.594
(music)

00:19:24.363 --> 00:19:26.899
Are you gonna enjoy this,
me following you around

00:19:26.932 --> 00:19:28.100
with a camera all the time?

00:19:28.133 --> 00:19:30.235
I really like watching you
be cross-eyed

00:19:30.269 --> 00:19:32.004
as you look at the camera
in your hand.

00:19:32.037 --> 00:19:33.672
Am I cross-eyed?

00:19:33.705 --> 00:19:35.707
(laughing)

00:19:38.176 --> 00:19:39.978
Okay, goodbye.

00:19:40.012 --> 00:19:41.680
Des and I met on OkCupid.

00:19:41.713 --> 00:19:44.917
I saw her profile
and it was really...

00:19:44.950 --> 00:19:46.084
(laughing)

00:19:46.118 --> 00:19:47.486
It was basically like,

00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:49.755
"I've been through this
terrible divorce,

00:19:49.788 --> 00:19:53.692
um, I don't want anything
to do with a relationship,

00:19:53.725 --> 00:19:56.528
and if you can't talk
about suicide with me

00:19:56.562 --> 00:19:59.164
in an academic way,
then don't even bother."

00:19:59.197 --> 00:20:02.801
I was like, "Who is
this insane person

00:20:02.834 --> 00:20:05.871
with a rat on her shoulder
in the profile picture?"

00:20:05.904 --> 00:20:08.206
Ah, the rat.

00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:10.709
I really wanted to date
the rat on OkCupid.

00:20:10.742 --> 00:20:12.844
I would, she's hot.

00:20:12.878 --> 00:20:14.646
She's dead.

00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:16.848
One of the major challenges
of being with somebody

00:20:16.882 --> 00:20:17.783
who has a mental illness

00:20:17.816 --> 00:20:20.586
is that you are worrying
for their well-being

00:20:20.619 --> 00:20:22.020
and if they will
harm themselves,

00:20:22.054 --> 00:20:23.722
in addition to worrying
for them,

00:20:23.755 --> 00:20:26.658
like, just as a person.

00:20:26.692 --> 00:20:27.759
We're always talking about,
like,

00:20:27.793 --> 00:20:29.795
how do we stop it
from escalating?

00:20:29.828 --> 00:20:32.898
And I think that's common
to any relationship.

00:20:32.931 --> 00:20:35.667
(music)

00:20:35.701 --> 00:20:38.637
It is literally
a life-and-death struggle.

00:20:38.670 --> 00:20:41.073
I want to live,
but I'm very well aware

00:20:41.106 --> 00:20:42.541
of the fact that
there's this thing

00:20:42.574 --> 00:20:45.510
that's always going
to be plaguing me.

00:20:45.544 --> 00:20:48.647
Our landlord raised the rent
a hundred dollars.

00:20:48.680 --> 00:20:52.751
We're gonna end up,
like, having to move, uh...

00:20:52.784 --> 00:20:54.052
(music)

00:20:54.086 --> 00:20:58.123
a train stop away every time...

00:20:58.156 --> 00:21:00.392
until suicide starts
paying the bills.

00:21:00.425 --> 00:21:01.760
Look, I got into
this relationship

00:21:01.793 --> 00:21:04.696
because I was hitching my wagon
to your suicide star,

00:21:04.730 --> 00:21:06.832
like I don't understand
why it's not happening yet.

00:21:06.865 --> 00:21:10.102
I'll remember that,
my suicide star.

00:21:10.135 --> 00:21:17.909
(music)

00:21:17.943 --> 00:21:19.578
Tomorrow, mainly sunny skies.

00:21:19.611 --> 00:21:21.847
It'll jump up nicely
to around 72 in the afternoon.

00:21:21.880 --> 00:21:23.148
Suicide.

00:21:23.181 --> 00:21:25.384
(music)

00:21:25.417 --> 00:21:28.887
It was the first thought
in my mind every single day.

00:21:31.056 --> 00:21:32.057
It was my option,

00:21:32.090 --> 00:21:34.760
it was my solution
to everything.

00:21:34.793 --> 00:21:35.694
(music)

00:21:35.727 --> 00:21:38.163
I really, really want
to change people.

00:21:38.196 --> 00:21:40.699
I want to change the way
people think.

00:21:40.732 --> 00:21:42.701
I want them to leave that room
totally changed

00:21:42.734 --> 00:21:45.537
and think of suicide
in a completely different way.

00:21:45.570 --> 00:21:46.838
- That's hard.
- It's very hard,

00:21:46.872 --> 00:21:49.808
but sometimes
I do it really well

00:21:49.841 --> 00:21:52.144
and everybody's moved,
and there's other times

00:21:52.177 --> 00:21:56.048
when there's a guy
in the back nodding off.

00:21:56.081 --> 00:21:58.050
The pressure is unreal.

00:21:58.083 --> 00:21:59.518
(music)

00:21:59.551 --> 00:22:00.791
I can't tell you how many times

00:22:00.819 --> 00:22:03.855
I was asked the question
if I wanted to die,

00:22:03.889 --> 00:22:05.390
but no one ever,

00:22:05.424 --> 00:22:09.127
not once was I asked
if I wanted to live.

00:22:09.161 --> 00:22:11.697
Saying, "Yes, I want to live,"
that's up at the ceiling.

00:22:11.730 --> 00:22:13.398
Saying, "No,
I don't want to die,"

00:22:13.432 --> 00:22:15.667
just means that I'm still
that eight-year-old kid

00:22:15.701 --> 00:22:17.335
laying on the kitchen floor

00:22:17.369 --> 00:22:20.672
with a knife
next to me, sobbing.

00:22:20.706 --> 00:22:24.142
I went to get my hair cut,
and the woman cutting my hair,

00:22:24.176 --> 00:22:26.344
she said, "Do you have
any plans for the weekend?"

00:22:26.378 --> 00:22:27.818
I said, "Oh, yeah,
I'm giving a talk.

00:22:27.846 --> 00:22:30.615
It's about a suicide attempt
that I had."

00:22:30.649 --> 00:22:32.050
(music)

00:22:32.084 --> 00:22:34.252
I could see her in the mirror
and she just froze up

00:22:34.286 --> 00:22:35.821
and got really, really numb.

00:22:35.854 --> 00:22:37.923
She started talking
about it a little more,

00:22:37.956 --> 00:22:39.324
and she's cutting my hair,

00:22:39.357 --> 00:22:40.625
and she started talking
about it a little more,

00:22:40.659 --> 00:22:42.427
and I could see
the release on her

00:22:42.461 --> 00:22:44.229
as she kept cutting my hair.

00:22:44.262 --> 00:22:47.833
She ended up cutting my hair,
I think, four full times,

00:22:47.866 --> 00:22:52.070
to the point that I was like,
"Can... I can't go any shorter.

00:22:52.104 --> 00:22:53.939
Can you please stop?"

00:22:53.972 --> 00:22:55.474
(music)

00:22:55.507 --> 00:22:57.676
And, then, she said,

00:22:57.709 --> 00:23:01.580
"I had an uncle
that died by suicide."

00:23:01.613 --> 00:23:03.515
You know, the reason
it gets to where it is

00:23:03.548 --> 00:23:06.685
is because we don't
talk about it.

00:23:06.718 --> 00:23:08.587
(music)

00:23:08.620 --> 00:23:10.589
To say,
"I'm an attempt survivor,"

00:23:10.622 --> 00:23:15.060
even say the word "suicide"
is a record stopper.

00:23:15.093 --> 00:23:19.064
(music)

00:23:19.097 --> 00:23:20.365
A snow picture.

00:23:20.398 --> 00:23:22.000
We got us a bag of markers.

00:23:22.033 --> 00:23:23.535
Awesome.

00:23:23.568 --> 00:23:26.605
Fatherhood is, to me,

00:23:26.638 --> 00:23:29.040
the most difficult thing
I've ever experienced

00:23:29.074 --> 00:23:30.308
in my entire life.

00:23:30.342 --> 00:23:32.410
(sing-song notes)

00:23:32.444 --> 00:23:34.980
It destroys
my self-confidence.

00:23:35.013 --> 00:23:37.682
(music)

00:23:37.716 --> 00:23:40.786
And I have these huge
fears that I'm gonna have

00:23:40.819 --> 00:23:42.287
a negative impact on their life

00:23:42.320 --> 00:23:44.422
because I'm not
raising them correctly.

00:23:44.456 --> 00:23:52.456
(music)

00:23:54.633 --> 00:23:57.702
It's important to me that
I tell you the whole story,

00:23:57.736 --> 00:23:59.638
I made that decision
when I wrote the book

00:23:59.671 --> 00:24:03.942
and decided to come forward
as an attempt survivor.

00:24:03.975 --> 00:24:05.777
When I was writing, I was there.

00:24:05.811 --> 00:24:08.613
I had times when I had
tears in my eyes for hours

00:24:08.647 --> 00:24:10.482
while I wrote as fast
as my fingers

00:24:10.515 --> 00:24:12.751
would go across the board.

00:24:12.784 --> 00:24:14.953
I never knew he was
writing a book

00:24:14.986 --> 00:24:17.155
until he wrote the book,
until afterwards.

00:24:17.189 --> 00:24:19.858
He didn't tell anybody.

00:24:19.891 --> 00:24:22.761
It's been a very,
very long journey,

00:24:22.794 --> 00:24:26.731
and I believe wholeheartedly
that I've achieved balance.

00:24:26.765 --> 00:24:30.268
As a writer, as a speaker,

00:24:30.302 --> 00:24:32.270
as a husband, as a daddy...

00:24:32.304 --> 00:24:34.072
(audience giggles)

00:24:34.105 --> 00:24:36.775
(crying)

00:24:36.808 --> 00:24:38.376
What happened,
what happened, what happened?

00:24:38.410 --> 00:24:40.111
Emma bit me!

00:24:40.145 --> 00:24:41.413
What?

00:24:41.446 --> 00:24:42.981
(crying)

00:24:43.014 --> 00:24:45.250
(water running)

00:24:45.283 --> 00:24:48.753
(music)

00:24:48.787 --> 00:24:50.188
"In the grip of feeble hands,

00:24:50.222 --> 00:24:51.857
through a veil of hazy eyes,

00:24:51.890 --> 00:24:53.458
your colors swirl in silence

00:24:53.491 --> 00:24:55.160
beneath a ghostly rise.

00:24:55.193 --> 00:24:58.697
Embrace me in your warmth
as we bid farewell tonight,

00:24:58.730 --> 00:25:02.000
and kiss my weary lips
to bring me back to life."

00:25:02.033 --> 00:25:04.169
Most people think
when they read this

00:25:04.202 --> 00:25:06.071
that it's about losing somebody.

00:25:07.739 --> 00:25:11.276
I actually wrote this
about, um...

00:25:11.309 --> 00:25:13.511
my coffee.

00:25:13.545 --> 00:25:16.514
So... that's one
of my favorites.

00:25:16.548 --> 00:25:17.949
(chuckles)

00:25:17.983 --> 00:25:25.857
(music)

00:25:25.891 --> 00:25:30.896
I have two really amazing kids.

00:25:30.929 --> 00:25:34.199
That's the reason
I'm still alive.

00:25:34.232 --> 00:25:36.234
(sighs)

00:25:36.268 --> 00:25:37.469
Isn't that what those are for?

00:25:37.502 --> 00:25:39.738
Yeah, exactly.

00:25:39.771 --> 00:25:41.239
To irritate you
and keep you alive?

00:25:41.273 --> 00:25:43.174
Yeah, dammit.

00:25:46.645 --> 00:25:48.313
Such a stud.

00:25:48.346 --> 00:25:49.314
Me and my perfect shot.

00:25:49.347 --> 00:25:50.615
All right.

00:25:53.618 --> 00:25:55.020
I mean, when you first told me,

00:25:55.053 --> 00:25:56.621
I was just...

00:25:56.655 --> 00:25:59.090
I was super... I was incredibly
shocked to begin with.

00:25:59.124 --> 00:26:00.625
Like, thinking of
taking your own life,

00:26:00.659 --> 00:26:02.928
that's... that's scary
and sad,

00:26:02.961 --> 00:26:06.164
and shouldn't happen, you know?

00:26:07.399 --> 00:26:08.800
I'm sorry.

00:26:08.833 --> 00:26:09.968
I mean, like, hearing that,

00:26:10.001 --> 00:26:13.104
it definitely made my
heart drop, and like...

00:26:13.138 --> 00:26:16.007
I just can't even imagine
without you in my life.

00:26:16.041 --> 00:26:17.842
Don't even want
to think about it.

00:26:17.876 --> 00:26:20.779
But I know I need to.

00:26:20.812 --> 00:26:25.884
I never, ever would want
to leave you or hurt you.

00:26:27.953 --> 00:26:30.822
I don't know.

00:26:30.855 --> 00:26:32.757
I'm really glad
you did tell me this.

00:26:32.791 --> 00:26:35.293
I think you're stronger
than I did before

00:26:35.327 --> 00:26:39.931
because you were going out,
reaching out and telling me.

00:26:39.965 --> 00:26:41.499
Like, I want to be there for you

00:26:41.533 --> 00:26:43.401
if you need help.

00:26:43.435 --> 00:26:51.435
(music)

00:26:56.581 --> 00:26:59.517
I wanna wake up
and see the day and go,

00:26:59.551 --> 00:27:02.487
"Oh, it's a new day,
this is awesome."

00:27:02.520 --> 00:27:04.656
This is what I want.

00:27:04.689 --> 00:27:06.458
(shutter clicks)

00:27:06.491 --> 00:27:08.994
Since I've come out
with my story,

00:27:09.027 --> 00:27:10.528
I want to do everything I can

00:27:10.562 --> 00:27:12.364
to share that more,

00:27:12.397 --> 00:27:15.500
and I am about to start working

00:27:15.533 --> 00:27:17.769
the Suicide Crisis Line.

00:27:17.802 --> 00:27:20.939
(phone rings)

00:27:20.972 --> 00:27:22.907
Suicide Prevention
Center Crisis Line.

00:27:22.941 --> 00:27:24.843
So, sir, if you'd like,
I can give you...

00:27:24.876 --> 00:27:27.212
So, you lost your job
and your girlfriend,

00:27:27.245 --> 00:27:28.713
that's pretty rough.

00:27:28.747 --> 00:27:32.717
What we have to do
is help people feel

00:27:32.751 --> 00:27:35.186
safe and comfortable
to talk about something

00:27:35.220 --> 00:27:37.122
that scares
the hell out of them.

00:27:38.456 --> 00:27:39.924
And if somebody
can connect with you

00:27:39.958 --> 00:27:41.926
in that moment where
you're feeling like

00:27:41.960 --> 00:27:44.062
there's no reason to live,

00:27:44.095 --> 00:27:47.132
that takes them out
of the aloneness.

00:27:47.165 --> 00:27:49.467
And the moment that
they're not feeling alone,

00:27:49.501 --> 00:27:51.469
they're already safer
than they were

00:27:51.503 --> 00:27:53.438
before they spoke with you.

00:27:53.471 --> 00:27:55.473
(speaking Spanish)

00:28:00.779 --> 00:28:02.814
You know, not everybody
can do this.

00:28:02.847 --> 00:28:04.616
A lot of people care,
but it's sometimes

00:28:04.649 --> 00:28:06.851
really difficult
to put that care

00:28:06.885 --> 00:28:10.722
and that passion
and compassion into, um,

00:28:10.755 --> 00:28:12.023
the right kind of skill set
to talk to people

00:28:12.057 --> 00:28:14.059
who are thinking about suicide.

00:28:14.092 --> 00:28:16.961
(music)

00:28:16.995 --> 00:28:19.397
Brandon.

00:28:19.431 --> 00:28:21.199
Brandon was one of our own.

00:28:21.232 --> 00:28:22.967
He was a very,
very good counselor.

00:28:23.001 --> 00:28:25.770
I think he saved many lives.

00:28:25.804 --> 00:28:27.439
Are you calling us
because you're having

00:28:27.472 --> 00:28:29.207
thoughts of killing yourself?

00:28:29.240 --> 00:28:31.810
Brandon was the only
shift supervisor

00:28:31.843 --> 00:28:34.779
I've ever had who had groupies.

00:28:34.813 --> 00:28:36.981
(speaking Spanish)

00:28:37.015 --> 00:28:42.253
(music)

00:28:42.287 --> 00:28:45.390
When Brandon and I started
spending time together,

00:28:45.423 --> 00:28:49.160
it was like he got me
in a way that nobody else

00:28:49.194 --> 00:28:50.728
understood me.

00:28:50.762 --> 00:28:54.099
(music)

00:28:54.132 --> 00:28:55.767
That was him.

00:28:55.800 --> 00:28:58.803
When he was happy,
he seemed like he was...

00:28:58.837 --> 00:29:00.238
damn happy!

00:29:00.271 --> 00:29:05.076
(music)

00:29:05.110 --> 00:29:09.647
This was his home
for the last 10 years

00:29:09.681 --> 00:29:11.783
of his life, was here.

00:29:11.816 --> 00:29:14.252
(plays piano)

00:29:14.285 --> 00:29:22.285
(music)

00:29:32.437 --> 00:29:33.404
Anyway...

00:29:33.438 --> 00:29:34.739
that's like the gist of it.

00:29:34.772 --> 00:29:39.878
(music)

00:29:39.911 --> 00:29:43.882
Don't wanna see the light

00:29:43.915 --> 00:29:47.619
'Cause I don't feel any light

00:29:47.652 --> 00:29:49.087
He was a rock star.

00:29:49.120 --> 00:29:50.188
Anymore

00:29:50.221 --> 00:29:52.157
And that's when he
grew his hair really long

00:29:52.190 --> 00:29:54.759
so he looked like a rock star.

00:29:54.792 --> 00:29:57.929
Don't wanna wake up anymore

00:29:57.962 --> 00:30:00.899
He was such a goofball
that it didn't at all fit

00:30:00.932 --> 00:30:03.067
with the intensity of the times

00:30:03.101 --> 00:30:04.969
when he was on the phone with me

00:30:05.003 --> 00:30:06.304
threatening to kill himself

00:30:06.337 --> 00:30:08.706
if I got off the phone with him.

00:30:08.740 --> 00:30:12.076
And maybe

00:30:12.110 --> 00:30:17.115
I shouldn't say goodbye,
but it seems the time

00:30:17.148 --> 00:30:18.783
(music)

00:30:18.816 --> 00:30:20.051
One day he called me,

00:30:20.084 --> 00:30:21.886
and I went over to his house,

00:30:21.920 --> 00:30:24.622
and he was in a really,
really crazy state.

00:30:24.656 --> 00:30:26.591
(music)

00:30:26.624 --> 00:30:31.029
He turned to this door,
and I remember this so vividly.

00:30:31.062 --> 00:30:33.097
He started banging
his head against

00:30:33.131 --> 00:30:35.700
the large glass door.

00:30:35.733 --> 00:30:37.802
(music)

00:30:37.835 --> 00:30:39.470
I'm a junior in high school
that's never dealt

00:30:39.504 --> 00:30:41.105
with anything like this.

00:30:41.139 --> 00:30:44.842
(music)

00:30:44.876 --> 00:30:46.878
The days of looking
at a phone ringing

00:30:46.911 --> 00:30:49.047
and you can see the caller ID,

00:30:49.080 --> 00:30:50.381
and I remember
specifically thinking,

00:30:50.415 --> 00:30:51.849
"Gosh, I should
be answering the phone,

00:30:51.883 --> 00:30:54.085
but I just... I can't do it."

00:30:54.118 --> 00:31:00.325
(music)

00:31:00.358 --> 00:31:03.161
Asking him,
"Are you suicidal?"

00:31:03.194 --> 00:31:06.164
I couldn't ask him
that early on.

00:31:06.197 --> 00:31:08.766
I couldn't even face that.

00:31:08.800 --> 00:31:10.535
There was really that side of me

00:31:10.568 --> 00:31:12.937
that this is all gonna end,

00:31:12.971 --> 00:31:15.139
he's gonna be okay.

00:31:15.173 --> 00:31:18.142
(music)

00:31:18.176 --> 00:31:20.345
In his writings,
I came across something

00:31:20.378 --> 00:31:24.582
that said, "The voices
are quiet now,

00:31:24.616 --> 00:31:26.851
I'm not upset anymore."

00:31:26.884 --> 00:31:30.021
(music)

00:31:30.054 --> 00:31:32.590
(thunder, rain pelting)

00:31:32.624 --> 00:31:35.693
I woke up
and it was pouring rain.

00:31:35.727 --> 00:31:37.996
(music)

00:31:38.029 --> 00:31:40.765
He walked by me outside,
he's coming home,

00:31:40.798 --> 00:31:43.935
and he says,
"I'm going to sleep."

00:31:43.968 --> 00:31:47.939
He was just like going
these long days at a time

00:31:47.972 --> 00:31:50.308
where he wasn't really
getting any sleep.

00:31:50.341 --> 00:31:56.714
(music)

00:31:56.748 --> 00:31:58.783
I looked out the window,

00:31:58.816 --> 00:32:00.952
and his car was still there.

00:32:00.985 --> 00:32:03.655
(rain gently rapping)

00:32:03.688 --> 00:32:05.857
And, um, I walked out there,

00:32:05.890 --> 00:32:07.825
and I saw him.

00:32:07.859 --> 00:32:09.827
(soft thunder)

00:32:09.861 --> 00:32:12.063
He had hung himself.

00:32:13.298 --> 00:32:14.999
That's the scene
I play over and over

00:32:15.033 --> 00:32:17.168
in my mind.

00:32:17.201 --> 00:32:20.338
(music)

00:32:20.371 --> 00:32:23.374
It felt like, like my body,

00:32:23.408 --> 00:32:28.079
the world kind of
collapsed under me.

00:32:28.112 --> 00:32:32.317
Well me, I always dread
that one day will come,

00:32:32.350 --> 00:32:33.718
you know, so...

00:32:33.751 --> 00:32:36.487
(music)

00:32:36.521 --> 00:32:39.424
What happened

00:32:39.457 --> 00:32:41.426
that I didn't
look out the window?

00:32:41.459 --> 00:32:44.562
(music)

00:32:44.595 --> 00:32:48.366
I think that's my
biggest element of guilt.

00:32:48.399 --> 00:32:51.169
Why didn't I go over and look?

00:32:54.272 --> 00:33:00.845
(music)

00:33:00.878 --> 00:33:03.848
I knew right away
when I saw the text

00:33:03.881 --> 00:33:07.919
what it meant.

00:33:07.952 --> 00:33:10.788
It was just...

00:33:10.822 --> 00:33:12.423
I still...

00:33:12.457 --> 00:33:14.425
I mean, it was just not the way

00:33:14.459 --> 00:33:17.495
this whole thing
was supposed to end.

00:33:17.528 --> 00:33:20.865
I feel like I owe him something.

00:33:20.898 --> 00:33:23.101
I need to share his voice

00:33:23.134 --> 00:33:25.570
that he couldn't get out there.

00:33:25.603 --> 00:33:27.905
(music)

00:33:27.939 --> 00:33:29.574
I finally thought,
you know what,

00:33:29.607 --> 00:33:31.809
I'm going to create
a dance about this.

00:33:31.843 --> 00:33:39.843
(music)

00:33:43.921 --> 00:33:47.525
Anybody who has lost
anyone through suicide,

00:33:47.558 --> 00:33:50.595
you always say,
"What did I miss?

00:33:50.628 --> 00:33:52.563
Why couldn't I save him?"

00:33:52.597 --> 00:33:54.866
(music)

00:33:54.899 --> 00:33:56.968
What did I do wrong?

00:33:57.001 --> 00:33:58.936
(music)

00:33:58.970 --> 00:34:00.805
And what haven't I done?

00:34:00.838 --> 00:34:02.707
(music)

00:34:02.740 --> 00:34:05.810
I really don't have
an answer to that, you know?

00:34:05.843 --> 00:34:10.615
(music)

00:34:10.648 --> 00:34:13.050
(applause)

00:34:13.084 --> 00:34:14.385
The last thing we want...

00:34:14.419 --> 00:34:16.654
I think this is true
with everybody...

00:34:16.687 --> 00:34:20.491
Is to forget our loved one.

00:34:20.525 --> 00:34:28.525
(music)

00:34:51.155 --> 00:34:53.691
It's okay, buddy.

00:34:53.724 --> 00:34:56.227
You're okay, you're okay.

00:34:56.260 --> 00:34:58.162
I was a part of
the weapons company,

00:34:58.196 --> 00:35:00.698
I was a machine gunner,

00:35:00.731 --> 00:35:02.934
and then I ended up
becoming a squad leader

00:35:02.967 --> 00:35:05.903
for a group of 11 marines.

00:35:05.937 --> 00:35:09.207
(music)

00:35:09.240 --> 00:35:11.876
I just remember really
caring about the people

00:35:11.909 --> 00:35:13.644
to the left and right.

00:35:13.678 --> 00:35:16.814
Like, that's where, like,
this shock of gray comes from

00:35:16.848 --> 00:35:20.151
is worrying about my buddies.

00:35:20.184 --> 00:35:21.919
Is that a potential friend?

00:35:21.953 --> 00:35:24.655
(dogs whine)

00:35:24.689 --> 00:35:25.590
Aw, what's his name?

00:35:25.623 --> 00:35:28.926
His name's Grunt,
Sergeant Grunt.

00:35:28.960 --> 00:35:30.094
Doesn't really fit the name.

00:35:30.127 --> 00:35:32.497
He's kind of a pushover,
he's kind of a coward.

00:35:32.530 --> 00:35:34.966
(Grunt panting)

00:35:34.999 --> 00:35:37.335
Had a buddy that,
you know, got hurt.

00:35:37.368 --> 00:35:38.769
Several buddies that got hurt.

00:35:38.803 --> 00:35:40.438
But, you know,
the one from my first tour

00:35:40.471 --> 00:35:43.641
where we were really close
and he got put on a helicopter.

00:35:43.674 --> 00:35:46.277
Um, you know,
that sticks with you.

00:35:46.310 --> 00:35:48.112
You don't know if you're
gonna see him again.

00:35:48.146 --> 00:35:50.114
(helicopter blades whipping)

00:35:50.148 --> 00:35:52.817
That structure, their community.

00:35:52.850 --> 00:35:56.154
They feel a lot more comfortable
being in that setting,

00:35:56.187 --> 00:35:57.421
and then when they
finally get home

00:35:57.455 --> 00:35:58.956
and they have time to think,

00:35:58.990 --> 00:36:02.393
it does seem kind of mundane
after being over there.

00:36:03.995 --> 00:36:06.998
I just didn't feel
a connection to anyone.

00:36:07.031 --> 00:36:10.801
It was so exhausting

00:36:10.835 --> 00:36:16.574
that I just kind of
laid down and didn't move.

00:36:16.607 --> 00:36:18.376
(music)

00:36:18.409 --> 00:36:24.615
I just couldn't fathom
a world in which...

00:36:24.649 --> 00:36:26.551
anyone needed Jay.

00:36:28.653 --> 00:36:30.821
That's when Grunt
just kept bugging me,

00:36:30.855 --> 00:36:34.559
and cuddling with me,
and pawing at my hands.

00:36:34.592 --> 00:36:37.461
(music)

00:36:37.495 --> 00:36:38.963
It's really hard
to talk about this

00:36:38.996 --> 00:36:41.599
because life right now is...

00:36:41.632 --> 00:36:43.734
going so good.

00:36:43.768 --> 00:36:48.506
Just recently
my best friend, um...

00:36:48.539 --> 00:36:51.776
asked me to be
an uncle to his kid.

00:36:51.809 --> 00:36:53.844
And...

00:36:53.878 --> 00:36:57.715
(music)

00:36:57.748 --> 00:37:03.020
To think I almost
denied myself...

00:37:03.054 --> 00:37:04.889
(sniffles)

00:37:04.922 --> 00:37:06.857
the chance to do that.

00:37:06.891 --> 00:37:12.029
(music)

00:37:14.131 --> 00:37:16.267
(beeping)

00:37:16.300 --> 00:37:19.570
(train rolling on track)

00:37:24.675 --> 00:37:26.444
It's the first show
that I've ever done,

00:37:26.477 --> 00:37:27.912
the first solo show
I've ever had

00:37:27.945 --> 00:37:30.348
for "Live Through This."

00:37:30.381 --> 00:37:33.451
I just want people to look
into these people's eyes.

00:37:33.484 --> 00:37:36.787
To force the viewer
to look into their eyes.

00:37:36.821 --> 00:37:38.823
What do they say, the eyes
are the window to the soul?

00:37:38.856 --> 00:37:39.890
Which is kind of lame,

00:37:39.924 --> 00:37:43.027
but that is where
you find the humanity.

00:37:45.463 --> 00:37:47.298
I'm just trying
to show people, like,

00:37:47.331 --> 00:37:49.000
"Hey, this happens.

00:37:49.033 --> 00:37:51.669
And it could happen
to anybody."

00:37:51.702 --> 00:37:53.771
And I remember
the nurses saying, you know,

00:37:53.804 --> 00:37:56.874
"I don't know if you're
gonna live through this."

00:37:56.907 --> 00:37:58.376
Goose.

00:37:58.409 --> 00:38:01.779
You look so beautiful,
so sexy, so backlit.

00:38:01.812 --> 00:38:03.014
Little halo.

00:38:05.916 --> 00:38:07.218
(cat meows)

00:38:07.251 --> 00:38:09.120
I wanna do this
much larger scale.

00:38:09.153 --> 00:38:12.757
I really want these portraits
to go to universities.

00:38:12.790 --> 00:38:16.594
Why are we not
encouraging the students

00:38:16.627 --> 00:38:20.364
to take care of themselves?

00:38:20.398 --> 00:38:22.700
It's the ones that
are ambivalent

00:38:22.733 --> 00:38:24.802
that could be swayed
just by someone saying,

00:38:24.835 --> 00:38:27.638
"Hey, I love you,
are you okay?"

00:38:27.672 --> 00:38:29.206
Those are the lives
that you can save.

00:38:29.240 --> 00:38:30.908
And there are so many.

00:38:30.941 --> 00:38:34.311
(music)

00:38:34.345 --> 00:38:38.616
Suicide is terrifying to people.

00:38:38.649 --> 00:38:41.085
Even if it hasn't hit you
in your own family,

00:38:41.118 --> 00:38:42.353
we all have a connection,

00:38:42.386 --> 00:38:43.854
and we all have a story.

00:38:43.888 --> 00:38:45.523
(music)

00:38:45.556 --> 00:38:48.893
My brother struggled
on campus, alone,

00:38:48.926 --> 00:38:52.997
for almost the entirety
of his college career.

00:38:53.030 --> 00:38:57.001
Nobody was talking about mental
health issues on his campus,

00:38:57.034 --> 00:38:58.703
and so he lived with this alone.

00:38:58.736 --> 00:39:02.707
And I'm convinced
that it was that time

00:39:02.740 --> 00:39:05.743
that he struggled
without support

00:39:05.776 --> 00:39:09.547
that ultimately ended up
taking his life.

00:39:09.580 --> 00:39:10.981
And that, you know,
in so many ways,

00:39:11.015 --> 00:39:14.585
was the motivating factor
for me in starting Active Minds.

00:39:14.618 --> 00:39:18.089
(music)

00:39:18.122 --> 00:39:20.324
We've collected 1,100 backpacks

00:39:20.357 --> 00:39:22.293
that represent
the 1,100 college students

00:39:22.326 --> 00:39:24.361
who die by suicide every year.

00:39:24.395 --> 00:39:30.768
(music)

00:39:30.801 --> 00:39:33.738
We asked our students,
"Would you judge somebody

00:39:33.771 --> 00:39:35.773
for going to counseling
services?"

00:39:35.806 --> 00:39:37.675
And the majority
of the students said no.

00:39:37.708 --> 00:39:39.443
Then when we asked them
the question,

00:39:39.477 --> 00:39:40.778
"Would you feel that
you would be judged

00:39:40.811 --> 00:39:42.747
if you went
to counseling services?"

00:39:42.780 --> 00:39:44.682
Almost all of them said yes.

00:39:44.715 --> 00:39:45.750
(music)

00:39:45.783 --> 00:39:48.719
Active Minds is starting
conversations on campus.

00:39:48.753 --> 00:39:50.354
(music)

00:39:50.387 --> 00:39:52.123
It's letting people
like Brian know

00:39:52.156 --> 00:39:53.891
that they're not alone.

00:39:53.924 --> 00:39:56.961
(music)

00:39:56.994 --> 00:40:00.364
If one student, today,
walks through here,

00:40:00.397 --> 00:40:03.334
and chooses to speak up
out of silence,

00:40:03.367 --> 00:40:05.102
and chooses not
to take their life,

00:40:05.136 --> 00:40:07.271
then all of this is worth it.

00:40:07.304 --> 00:40:15.304
(music)

00:40:23.420 --> 00:40:26.357
My hope is,
what is the s-word now

00:40:26.390 --> 00:40:29.660
will not be in 10 to 15 years.

00:40:29.693 --> 00:40:32.296
We've got to start
talking about this.

00:40:32.329 --> 00:40:40.329
(music)

00:40:40.871 --> 00:40:42.473
(horns honking)

00:40:42.506 --> 00:40:45.109
We have to get a little,
like, in the muck of it

00:40:45.142 --> 00:40:46.677
with people.

00:40:46.710 --> 00:40:48.612
I get messages
all the time that are like,

00:40:48.646 --> 00:40:50.047
"My friend is telling me
they want to kill themselves.

00:40:50.080 --> 00:40:51.715
What do I do?"

00:40:51.749 --> 00:40:53.617
So, it's just like,
"Okay, I've been through this.

00:40:53.651 --> 00:40:54.952
What you do is you listen.

00:40:54.985 --> 00:40:56.921
They need to know
that somebody is there

00:40:56.954 --> 00:40:59.190
and willing to sit with
them while they're snotty,

00:40:59.223 --> 00:41:02.993
and sobbing, and hurting."

00:41:03.027 --> 00:41:04.762
It's not easy,
and it's exhausting,

00:41:04.795 --> 00:41:06.697
and it's scary,
and it is all of those things,

00:41:06.730 --> 00:41:09.934
but that can save lives.

00:41:09.967 --> 00:41:12.136
I've had friends who've
said they were suicidal.

00:41:12.169 --> 00:41:13.637
And what is the first
thing I'm thinking,

00:41:13.671 --> 00:41:14.972
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

00:41:15.005 --> 00:41:17.341
As someone who's, like,
attempted and survived,

00:41:17.374 --> 00:41:19.076
I'm like, "We have to stop this.

00:41:19.109 --> 00:41:20.377
I have to save you."

00:41:20.411 --> 00:41:21.745
And then it's like, slow down.

00:41:21.779 --> 00:41:22.880
What would you have wanted?

00:41:22.913 --> 00:41:23.781
Not this.

00:41:23.814 --> 00:41:25.749
You wouldn't have wanted this.

00:41:25.783 --> 00:41:27.451
You know, just that
shared recognition

00:41:27.484 --> 00:41:29.787
that this sucks.

00:41:29.820 --> 00:41:32.122
That is so healing for people.

00:41:32.156 --> 00:41:34.425
Why do we not have,
in every community,

00:41:34.458 --> 00:41:35.793
a group of people
that meet regularly

00:41:35.826 --> 00:41:36.861
who struggle with suicide

00:41:36.894 --> 00:41:38.929
and try to help each other?

00:41:38.963 --> 00:41:40.564
Fear.

00:41:40.598 --> 00:41:41.732
It's the fear that, I feel,

00:41:41.765 --> 00:41:43.400
is really at the root
of the problem.

00:41:43.434 --> 00:41:45.135
Let's just let it out there.

00:41:45.169 --> 00:41:47.471
I actually attempted
eight years ago today.

00:41:47.504 --> 00:41:48.772
And I posted about it,

00:41:48.806 --> 00:41:50.741
because I post
about it every year.

00:41:50.774 --> 00:41:52.776
I mean, it's one way to get
people talking about it

00:41:52.810 --> 00:41:55.613
in a really honest way.

00:41:55.646 --> 00:41:56.814
We all live on Facebook now,

00:41:56.847 --> 00:41:58.249
we all live on Twitter,
we live on Vine,

00:41:58.282 --> 00:42:00.784
we live on Whisper,
wherever the hell we live,

00:42:00.818 --> 00:42:02.620
we have to be going
out there and disseminating

00:42:02.653 --> 00:42:05.956
the information in that way too.

00:42:05.990 --> 00:42:08.959
Clinicians aren't
there at 3:00am.

00:42:08.993 --> 00:42:14.365
We can use social media
to just ruin people's lives.

00:42:14.398 --> 00:42:16.367
But we can also use social media

00:42:16.400 --> 00:42:18.636
to save people's lives.

00:42:18.669 --> 00:42:20.804
The community really
has to save each other.

00:42:20.838 --> 00:42:21.939
You're only ever gonna have

00:42:21.972 --> 00:42:23.974
so many mental health
professionals.

00:42:26.176 --> 00:42:29.847
Well, it is...

00:42:29.880 --> 00:42:31.181
May 13th.

00:42:32.850 --> 00:42:36.553
I am gonna propose to Fel.

00:42:36.587 --> 00:42:38.923
This is the ring

00:42:38.956 --> 00:42:43.994
that I'm going to
steal her soul with.

00:42:44.028 --> 00:42:45.562
I hope.

00:42:45.596 --> 00:42:47.464
I'm confused about
how you turn that around.

00:42:47.498 --> 00:42:49.400
Well, this is confusing.

00:42:49.433 --> 00:42:51.268
(music)

00:42:51.302 --> 00:42:54.171
Fel drinks prosecco

00:42:54.204 --> 00:42:56.974
with her ring!

00:42:57.007 --> 00:42:58.042
Blingin'.

00:42:58.075 --> 00:43:02.780
(music)

00:43:02.813 --> 00:43:04.214
We should just get married here.

00:43:04.248 --> 00:43:05.683
It's totally free.

00:43:05.716 --> 00:43:07.384
You can be the husband.

00:43:07.418 --> 00:43:10.187
What says marital bliss
and commitment

00:43:10.220 --> 00:43:12.189
like compost piles?

00:43:12.222 --> 00:43:20.222
(music)

00:43:20.764 --> 00:43:25.436
Whatever Lola wants

00:43:25.469 --> 00:43:28.672
Lola gets

00:43:28.706 --> 00:43:32.609
You're no exception to the rule

00:43:32.643 --> 00:43:36.280
I'm irresistible, you fool

00:43:36.313 --> 00:43:38.082
It's only been recently
that I've been singing songs

00:43:38.115 --> 00:43:41.518
that actually aren't,
like, really depressing.

00:43:41.552 --> 00:43:44.421
Give in

00:43:44.455 --> 00:43:47.324
(music)

00:43:47.358 --> 00:43:50.260
Whatever Lola wants

00:43:50.294 --> 00:43:55.666
"Whatever Lola Wants"
by Sarah Vaughan...

00:43:55.699 --> 00:43:57.201
it's a little sensual,

00:43:57.234 --> 00:44:00.137
I need to get back in
the groove one day.

00:44:00.170 --> 00:44:05.075
Resign yourself, you're through

00:44:05.109 --> 00:44:06.844
Yeah.

00:44:06.877 --> 00:44:09.980
(cheers, applause)

00:44:12.383 --> 00:44:16.553
Once I told my story, African
American women came up to me,

00:44:16.587 --> 00:44:18.689
"My cousin, she attempted.

00:44:18.722 --> 00:44:20.524
My sister, she tried.

00:44:20.557 --> 00:44:24.094
Oh, I felt that way."

00:44:24.128 --> 00:44:26.397
So it's not that
it's not happening.

00:44:26.430 --> 00:44:30.167
We're just not talking about it
and I want to be out about it,

00:44:30.200 --> 00:44:33.637
because we need to
have the brown faces

00:44:33.670 --> 00:44:35.039
talking about this as well.

00:44:35.072 --> 00:44:37.674
Like, it's not just
a white issue.

00:44:37.708 --> 00:44:39.943
(music)

00:44:39.977 --> 00:44:43.580
Is suicide still
an option for you?

00:44:43.614 --> 00:44:45.315
I don't want it to be,

00:44:45.349 --> 00:44:48.685
and that's the only answer
I can really, honestly give you.

00:44:48.719 --> 00:44:51.455
I don't want it to be an option,

00:44:51.488 --> 00:44:55.325
but I'm not gonna say that
I don't think about it,

00:44:55.359 --> 00:44:57.294
'cause I do.

00:44:57.327 --> 00:45:03.667
(music)

00:45:03.700 --> 00:45:05.536
The thoughts,
they're still there.

00:45:05.569 --> 00:45:09.506
They come in when I'm sad,
but I have a plan around them.

00:45:09.540 --> 00:45:13.710
They're not gonna frighten me
into doing an action that

00:45:13.744 --> 00:45:15.512
would take me out of here.

00:45:15.546 --> 00:45:17.614
(music)

00:45:17.648 --> 00:45:20.150
"Who would I miss
if you were gone?

00:45:20.184 --> 00:45:22.119
Don't send me out
into the cold snow,

00:45:22.152 --> 00:45:24.855
my body is no longer
equipped for that.

00:45:24.888 --> 00:45:28.759
The skin too thin and the gray
clouds press in closer.

00:45:28.792 --> 00:45:30.961
I know I cannot stay
in this room much longer.

00:45:30.994 --> 00:45:32.863
I can't breathe, baby.

00:45:32.896 --> 00:45:34.431
I have to get out."

00:45:34.465 --> 00:45:36.733
(music)

00:45:36.767 --> 00:45:38.869
I was clueless.

00:45:38.902 --> 00:45:41.672
I know that you had
had problems before,

00:45:41.705 --> 00:45:43.841
I know that you had felt
depressed in the past,

00:45:43.874 --> 00:45:46.343
but I did not know at
this particular time.

00:45:46.376 --> 00:45:49.513
So this was out of
the blue for me, yeah.

00:45:49.546 --> 00:45:52.416
- Yeah, you hid it well.
- Yeah.

00:45:52.449 --> 00:45:54.118
Mental health sucks, okay?

00:45:54.151 --> 00:45:56.720
They discharge her to me,
there was no counseling,

00:45:56.753 --> 00:46:00.090
there was no aftercare plan,
there was nothing.

00:46:00.124 --> 00:46:01.792
It was like, "Okay,
here's Kelechi,

00:46:01.825 --> 00:46:03.827
she's just tried
to commit suicide."

00:46:03.861 --> 00:46:06.130
There's no support,
there's no diagnosis.

00:46:06.163 --> 00:46:07.731
There's nothing.

00:46:07.764 --> 00:46:10.267
It took a long time
for me to come to grips

00:46:10.300 --> 00:46:14.805
with it's not my fault,
and it's a lot

00:46:14.838 --> 00:46:17.241
of releasing, letting go,
and being vulnerable.

00:46:17.274 --> 00:46:18.976
- So we'll start with these two?
- We'll start with these

00:46:19.009 --> 00:46:20.611
and see what happens.

00:46:20.644 --> 00:46:23.614
And then it might even have a
little thing that says pizza.

00:46:23.647 --> 00:46:25.449
- It does.
- Cool.

00:46:25.482 --> 00:46:28.252
- Pizza one.
- Pizza one.

00:46:28.285 --> 00:46:30.888
Even though you might've
felt angry or confused

00:46:30.921 --> 00:46:33.824
or sad or mad, you stood by me

00:46:33.857 --> 00:46:37.294
through some really
ugly, scary times,

00:46:37.327 --> 00:46:41.798
and you just said,
"What can I do?"

00:46:41.832 --> 00:46:45.669
I think that's part
of why I'm alive.

00:46:45.702 --> 00:46:48.739
So, thank you.

00:46:48.772 --> 00:46:51.208
- I love you.
- Love you too, Mom.

00:46:51.241 --> 00:46:59.241
(music)

00:46:59.550 --> 00:47:01.818
I'm not doing well.

00:47:01.852 --> 00:47:04.188
I find myself
wanting to hurt myself,

00:47:04.221 --> 00:47:05.956
and, um...

00:47:09.793 --> 00:47:13.697
I just don't really
know how to handle it.

00:47:13.730 --> 00:47:17.434
(music)

00:47:17.467 --> 00:47:18.735
I don't wanna kill myself,

00:47:18.769 --> 00:47:20.504
I just want it to hurt.

00:47:20.537 --> 00:47:24.675
These are irrational thoughts,
these are scary thoughts.

00:47:24.708 --> 00:47:26.877
Tried to hurt myself last week,

00:47:26.910 --> 00:47:31.582
and, uh, I thought
I could hide it,

00:47:31.615 --> 00:47:34.785
and then slipped and Fel saw it.

00:47:34.818 --> 00:47:37.521
(music)

00:47:37.554 --> 00:47:40.924
I lied straight to her face
when she asked me what it was.

00:47:40.958 --> 00:47:43.060
You can't help but think like,
"Well, why can't I

00:47:43.093 --> 00:47:45.796
of all people get through?"

00:47:45.829 --> 00:47:49.700
The moment I'm hysterical and
then also feeling misunderstood

00:47:49.733 --> 00:47:53.303
I go some completely
different place.

00:47:53.337 --> 00:47:57.074
It's hard to like snap back into
happy-go-lucky girlfriend mode

00:47:57.107 --> 00:48:00.477
when I've been in caretaker
mode for a moment,

00:48:00.510 --> 00:48:02.679
and it's hard for me
to be like, "All right,

00:48:02.713 --> 00:48:04.881
I'm gonna feel
really hot right now

00:48:04.915 --> 00:48:09.152
and we're gonna go on a date."

00:48:09.186 --> 00:48:12.322
It just felt like
for the past few months

00:48:12.356 --> 00:48:16.260
we weren't really connecting
except for me to console her.

00:48:16.293 --> 00:48:24.293
(music)

00:48:31.108 --> 00:48:32.743
Well, you have some choices.

00:48:32.776 --> 00:48:34.911
You know, it can
just destroy you

00:48:34.945 --> 00:48:39.516
or you can try to
rebuild your own life.

00:48:39.549 --> 00:48:41.918
(music)

00:48:41.952 --> 00:48:44.855
He wouldn't want us to be

00:48:44.888 --> 00:48:47.858
destroyed over his absence,

00:48:47.891 --> 00:48:51.628
and so we try not
to be destroyed.

00:48:51.662 --> 00:48:59.662
(music)

00:49:04.908 --> 00:49:09.279
We're here to release Brandon.

00:49:09.313 --> 00:49:12.716
Dear Brandon, we love you.

00:49:12.749 --> 00:49:15.452
We miss you.

00:49:15.485 --> 00:49:17.988
But now you're free.

00:49:18.021 --> 00:49:20.290
You're free and you're at peace.

00:49:20.324 --> 00:49:26.029
(music)

00:49:26.063 --> 00:49:28.432
The only way we're really gonna
continue to move forward

00:49:28.465 --> 00:49:32.402
into the future of suicide
prevention is together.

00:49:32.436 --> 00:49:34.438
Thank you very much
for your time.

00:49:34.471 --> 00:49:37.474
(applause)

00:49:39.976 --> 00:49:41.778
Daddy, I miss you,

00:49:41.812 --> 00:49:45.515
I really want you to come back.

00:49:45.549 --> 00:49:47.851
I love you.

00:49:47.884 --> 00:49:51.221
(music)

00:49:51.254 --> 00:49:54.191
I have a family that's in the
prime of their life right now.

00:49:54.224 --> 00:49:57.094
My kids are at an age
they're never gonna be at.

00:49:57.127 --> 00:49:59.262
Something has to give.

00:49:59.296 --> 00:50:01.898
I still wanna be involved
in suicide prevention.

00:50:01.932 --> 00:50:04.901
But the balance is the
most difficult part.

00:50:04.935 --> 00:50:07.904
There is definitely
an incredible feeling

00:50:07.938 --> 00:50:10.907
of purpose when
I talk to people.

00:50:10.941 --> 00:50:12.676
(applause)

00:50:12.709 --> 00:50:16.213
He gets his talks, and
he writes fantastic things,

00:50:16.246 --> 00:50:18.782
and he has little girls
who adore him, I love him.

00:50:18.815 --> 00:50:22.119
I mean, it's... he's doing it.

00:50:22.152 --> 00:50:25.756
Who wants to see the most
biggest jump in the world?

00:50:25.789 --> 00:50:27.257
(music)

00:50:27.290 --> 00:50:29.793
It's a scary subject.

00:50:29.826 --> 00:50:33.130
Nobody goes around saying,
"Hey, my kid committed suicide."

00:50:33.163 --> 00:50:34.765
You know, nobody does that.

00:50:34.798 --> 00:50:39.569
(music)

00:50:39.603 --> 00:50:43.507
I'm just glad everything's
the way it is.

00:50:43.540 --> 00:50:46.143
(music)

00:50:46.176 --> 00:50:49.679
My four-year-old,
she has seen the book,

00:50:49.713 --> 00:50:53.717
and she was sitting on the floor
and she's holding the cover

00:50:53.750 --> 00:50:57.220
and she goes, "Daddy, you look
like you're in a dark cave."

00:50:57.254 --> 00:50:59.322
I said, "Yeah, it does
look like that."

00:50:59.356 --> 00:51:01.358
And she said, "You look sad."

00:51:01.391 --> 00:51:05.228
I said, "Yeah, but
I'm not there anymore."

00:51:05.262 --> 00:51:08.899
And she goes, "And you'll
never be there again."

00:51:08.932 --> 00:51:13.737
(music)

00:51:13.770 --> 00:51:16.273
I will never tell you that

00:51:16.306 --> 00:51:18.942
if I can do it
you can do it too,

00:51:18.975 --> 00:51:22.112
but I will tell you there was
a time when I truly believed

00:51:22.145 --> 00:51:24.114
that I could not do it.

00:51:24.147 --> 00:51:27.884
I believed with my heart
that I was done,

00:51:27.918 --> 00:51:30.754
and I was wrong.

00:51:30.787 --> 00:51:33.423
Okay, careful.

00:51:33.457 --> 00:51:36.293
(music)

00:51:36.326 --> 00:51:38.728
Live Through This has
given me a community.

00:51:38.762 --> 00:51:40.664
I didn't think that
I was looking for people

00:51:40.697 --> 00:51:42.833
who understood me, who
could look me in the eye

00:51:42.866 --> 00:51:44.634
and say, "Yeah, I get it,"

00:51:44.668 --> 00:51:47.003
but that's exactly
what I was looking for.

00:51:47.037 --> 00:51:48.772
(music)

00:51:48.805 --> 00:51:50.774
Yes!

00:51:50.807 --> 00:51:52.742
(cheering)

00:51:52.776 --> 00:51:55.045
(applause)

00:51:55.078 --> 00:52:01.384
(music)

00:52:01.418 --> 00:52:03.820
Hi, folks, we wanna announce
the winner of the Paul Quinnett

00:52:03.854 --> 00:52:06.556
Lived Experience Writing Award.

00:52:06.590 --> 00:52:09.860
It's my great pleasure to give
this award to Dese'Rae Stage.

00:52:09.893 --> 00:52:12.562
(cheering)

00:52:12.596 --> 00:52:14.631
(applause)

00:52:14.664 --> 00:52:16.900
I got an award.

00:52:16.933 --> 00:52:20.003
I gave it to my mom.

00:52:20.036 --> 00:52:22.639
I was like, "Look,
I'm a gay leader."

00:52:22.672 --> 00:52:25.575
Thank you so much.

00:52:25.609 --> 00:52:29.679
They're invested in helping
each other continue to live,

00:52:29.713 --> 00:52:31.114
and even when
it feels impossible,

00:52:31.147 --> 00:52:32.849
there's a hand for them to hold.

00:52:32.883 --> 00:52:36.253
(music)

00:52:39.122 --> 00:52:41.091
(music)

00:52:41.124 --> 00:52:43.093
Let's march!

00:52:43.126 --> 00:52:46.463
Activism and the relationships
that I formed

00:52:46.496 --> 00:52:48.298
with other people who understood

00:52:48.331 --> 00:52:50.667
what I had been through,
that was huge.

00:52:50.700 --> 00:52:52.602
Show me what democracy
looks like!

00:52:52.636 --> 00:52:56.172
This is what democracy
looks like!

00:52:56.206 --> 00:52:59.209
Non-violent action.

00:52:59.242 --> 00:53:01.778
For the first time in my life,
I didn't feel alone.

00:53:01.811 --> 00:53:05.382
I didn't feel like a freak.

00:53:05.415 --> 00:53:09.252
I just howled for that
person who saw no hope

00:53:09.286 --> 00:53:11.221
and, you know,

00:53:11.254 --> 00:53:14.324
just hurt herself over and over.

00:53:14.357 --> 00:53:17.594
As hopeless as I was,
something inside me said

00:53:17.627 --> 00:53:19.729
I was deserving
of a better future.

00:53:19.763 --> 00:53:22.632
Psychiatry and the mental health
system were not going to give it

00:53:22.666 --> 00:53:25.635
to me, I would have
to find it on my own.

00:53:25.669 --> 00:53:28.605
I think there's people who've
been pushed to the point

00:53:28.638 --> 00:53:32.342
where they just don't
see any other option,

00:53:32.375 --> 00:53:34.978
and that's not their fault,
that's our fault

00:53:35.011 --> 00:53:37.013
as a society, collectively.

00:53:37.047 --> 00:53:40.550
(indistinct chanting)

00:53:40.584 --> 00:53:42.319
We need to stop looking
at the symptoms

00:53:42.352 --> 00:53:44.521
and look at the cause
and the root.

00:53:44.554 --> 00:53:48.592
So I'm excited, 'cause I feel
like the tide is turning.

00:53:48.625 --> 00:53:50.594
(music)

00:53:50.627 --> 00:53:52.996
When you bring in the
first person perspective

00:53:53.029 --> 00:53:56.366
of those of us who've been there
it brings life into it.

00:53:56.399 --> 00:53:59.936
We're the people who survived.

00:53:59.970 --> 00:54:02.439
We're changing a culture.

00:54:02.472 --> 00:54:04.107
We're changing the way
things have been done

00:54:04.140 --> 00:54:06.710
for years and years
and years and years.

00:54:06.743 --> 00:54:08.511
(applause)

00:54:08.545 --> 00:54:11.014
We have hundreds of people
here right now

00:54:11.047 --> 00:54:12.749
all with one intention,

00:54:12.782 --> 00:54:15.952
to do everything they can
to prevent future suicides,

00:54:15.986 --> 00:54:17.621
and that's it.

00:54:17.654 --> 00:54:19.055
Okay, everybody look pretty.

00:54:19.089 --> 00:54:20.690
And that's us.

00:54:20.724 --> 00:54:22.492
There's others
all over the place.

00:54:22.525 --> 00:54:24.961
There's tons more people
we don't hear from

00:54:24.995 --> 00:54:26.863
that are doing the same thing.

00:54:26.896 --> 00:54:27.998
Raise your hands!

00:54:28.031 --> 00:54:29.633
(cheering)

00:54:29.666 --> 00:54:37.007
(music)

00:54:37.040 --> 00:54:39.843
(applause)

00:54:39.876 --> 00:54:41.645
(music)

00:54:41.678 --> 00:54:43.480
The more people
who are talking about

00:54:43.513 --> 00:54:46.316
their family's experiences,
their own experiences,

00:54:46.349 --> 00:54:49.552
the less secrecy,
the less ignorance.

00:54:49.586 --> 00:54:51.888
I think that's all to the good.

00:54:51.921 --> 00:54:56.960
(music)

00:54:56.993 --> 00:55:00.697
I felt a funeral in my brain.

00:55:00.730 --> 00:55:04.067
I would love for anyone
who is close to suicide

00:55:04.100 --> 00:55:07.637
to contemplate the question of
whether things could get better

00:55:07.671 --> 00:55:09.506
and whether if things got better

00:55:09.539 --> 00:55:11.007
it would be worth
not doing this.

00:55:11.041 --> 00:55:13.943
And I think for most people,
the answer is yes.

00:55:13.977 --> 00:55:21.977
(music)

00:55:24.020 --> 00:55:26.222
What would you say to suicide
if it was a thing,

00:55:26.256 --> 00:55:27.390
if it was a person?

00:55:27.424 --> 00:55:29.392
I'd say, "Suck it!"

00:55:29.426 --> 00:55:33.196
Suck It Suicide is just
one giant happy accident

00:55:33.229 --> 00:55:34.831
about sad things.

00:55:34.864 --> 00:55:36.633
(music)

00:55:36.666 --> 00:55:38.802
You guys are making
a difference.

00:55:38.835 --> 00:55:41.171
(cheering)

00:55:41.204 --> 00:55:43.039
We could be saving
lives if we changed

00:55:43.073 --> 00:55:44.607
the way that we did things.

00:55:44.641 --> 00:55:47.777
It is criminal
at this point not to.

00:55:47.811 --> 00:55:50.547
These are some very
impressive teenagers.

00:55:50.580 --> 00:55:52.482
They shared personal
stories tonight

00:55:52.515 --> 00:55:54.818
about how suicide
has affected their lives.

00:55:54.851 --> 00:56:00.924
(music)

00:56:00.957 --> 00:56:02.692
When I started doing
these meetings on the Hill,

00:56:02.726 --> 00:56:05.762
you know, I had a nose ring
and I took off my nose ring,

00:56:05.795 --> 00:56:09.699
and you know, I don't dress like
this, but I feel like I have to

00:56:09.733 --> 00:56:12.068
sort of dress the part
being up on the Hill.

00:56:12.102 --> 00:56:16.272
(music)

00:56:16.306 --> 00:56:17.874
We're at a tipping point.

00:56:17.907 --> 00:56:19.709
The more voices will
bring more voices,

00:56:19.743 --> 00:56:21.678
and just like all the other
social movements, you know,

00:56:21.711 --> 00:56:23.213
we're probably gonna
look back in 20 years

00:56:23.246 --> 00:56:25.081
and think,
"Why was that so hard?"

00:56:25.115 --> 00:56:31.755
(music)

00:56:31.788 --> 00:56:34.090
(cheering)

00:56:35.925 --> 00:56:38.361
(indistinct shouting)

00:56:38.394 --> 00:56:46.394
(music)

00:56:47.737 --> 00:56:49.939
Political change, it has to
start from the grassroots.

00:56:49.973 --> 00:56:53.676
It's not just gonna
happen on its own.

00:56:53.710 --> 00:56:58.248
So I've been pushing for actual
real world legislation

00:56:58.281 --> 00:57:02.452
for people who've attempted
suicide or who are struggling.

00:57:02.485 --> 00:57:05.054
We have to get this
reflected in policies.

00:57:05.088 --> 00:57:12.529
(music)

00:57:12.562 --> 00:57:14.697
Today I stand up.

00:57:14.731 --> 00:57:17.133
I stand up as an attempt
survivor and as someone

00:57:17.167 --> 00:57:20.703
who wants to see and make
real lasting change happen.

00:57:20.737 --> 00:57:23.606
And I hope you'll stand with me,
because more and more

00:57:23.640 --> 00:57:25.742
it becomes clear to me
that I am never alone,

00:57:25.775 --> 00:57:29.312
that we are never, ever alone.

00:57:29.345 --> 00:57:31.815
(cheering)

00:57:31.848 --> 00:57:34.317
(applause)

00:57:34.350 --> 00:57:38.054
(music)

00:57:38.087 --> 00:57:42.692
We're not only taking
back our identities.

00:57:42.725 --> 00:57:44.961
We're taking control
over our narratives.

00:57:44.994 --> 00:57:52.994
(music)

00:58:05.982 --> 00:58:09.986
I'm eight years old and I'm
thinking about suicide.

00:58:10.019 --> 00:58:13.156
I was thinking about life,
about death.

00:58:13.189 --> 00:58:15.992
More than anything
I was thinking, "What if?

00:58:16.025 --> 00:58:18.862
What if I don't have to
live this life anymore?"

00:58:18.895 --> 00:58:26.436
(music)

00:58:26.469 --> 00:58:30.440
I'm 20 years old and
I'm thinking of suicide.

00:58:30.473 --> 00:58:33.776
I'm thinking how I spend more
time in a psychiatric hospital

00:58:33.810 --> 00:58:37.480
than I did in a classroom.

00:58:37.513 --> 00:58:40.216
More than anything,
I'm thinking, "What if?

00:58:40.250 --> 00:58:42.986
What if I don't have to
live this life anymore?"

00:58:43.019 --> 00:58:44.754
(music)

00:58:44.787 --> 00:58:48.124
Thirty-four years old and
I'm standing at an altar,

00:58:48.157 --> 00:58:50.159
and she is saying, "Yes.

00:58:50.193 --> 00:58:53.129
Yes, I will spend the rest
of my life with you."

00:58:53.162 --> 00:58:55.665
(music)

00:58:55.698 --> 00:58:56.966
(dog barking)

00:58:57.000 --> 00:58:58.434
Cané, sit.

00:58:58.468 --> 00:58:59.969
(music)

00:59:00.003 --> 00:59:02.739
I'm sitting on the edge
of a bed that I own

00:59:02.772 --> 00:59:04.641
in a house that I bought.

00:59:04.674 --> 00:59:07.577
In my arms is a baby girl,

00:59:07.610 --> 00:59:09.679
and I'm thinking, "What if?

00:59:09.712 --> 00:59:12.982
My God, what if I didn't
live this life?"

00:59:13.016 --> 00:59:17.587
I vow to be your family,
your friend, your love.

00:59:17.620 --> 00:59:18.721
I love you.

00:59:18.755 --> 00:59:21.758
I will commit to
the rest of this life

00:59:21.791 --> 00:59:25.161
no matter how bad it hurts,
no matter how scary it gets.

00:59:25.194 --> 00:59:27.597
I never knew what
a healthy relationship

00:59:27.630 --> 00:59:29.899
looked like until I found you.

00:59:29.933 --> 00:59:32.335
I never knew what
normal felt like.

00:59:32.368 --> 00:59:37.473
(music)

00:59:37.507 --> 00:59:41.778
You are everything and I will
always love you no matter what.

00:59:41.811 --> 00:59:45.615
"What if I never
lived this life?"

00:59:45.648 --> 00:59:46.816
I'm standing in
front of you today

00:59:46.849 --> 00:59:49.319
and I'm asking myself
that question.

00:59:49.352 --> 00:59:51.721
What if I never lived that life?

00:59:51.754 --> 00:59:56.292
And I can tell you I am
so grateful that I have.

00:59:56.326 --> 00:59:58.428
Thank you very much.

00:59:58.461 --> 01:00:00.930
(applause)

01:00:00.964 --> 01:00:08.964
(music)

01:00:09.539 --> 01:00:12.308
You may kiss the brides!

01:00:12.342 --> 01:00:15.345
(cheering)

01:00:15.378 --> 01:00:20.950
(music)

01:00:20.984 --> 01:00:24.454
I think we all have the
capacity to be saving lives.

01:00:24.487 --> 01:00:26.422
Why can't it stop?

01:00:26.456 --> 01:00:28.624
(cheering)

01:00:28.658 --> 01:00:30.927
(music)

01:00:30.960 --> 01:00:32.695
I want them to see
their stories,

01:00:32.729 --> 01:00:33.997
I want them to share
their stories,

01:00:34.030 --> 01:00:36.566
I want them to be proud
of their stories.

01:00:36.599 --> 01:00:44.599
(music)

01:00:44.707 --> 01:00:47.377
You know, it's a project
about suicide,

01:00:47.410 --> 01:00:49.379
but I'm focusing on life.

01:00:49.412 --> 01:00:52.382
(music)

01:00:54.250 --> 01:01:02.250
(music)

01:01:08.631 --> 01:01:12.101
Went to a show down the road

01:01:12.135 --> 01:01:15.038
It looked just like a dust bowl

01:01:15.071 --> 01:01:18.541
Stood in the crowd
and felt alone

01:01:18.574 --> 01:01:21.811
Changed so much
that I don't know

01:01:21.844 --> 01:01:25.314
what anything is anymore

01:01:25.348 --> 01:01:28.684
Who I am or who I was before

01:01:28.718 --> 01:01:32.021
(music)

01:01:32.055 --> 01:01:38.327
But I'm all right for now

01:01:38.361 --> 01:01:45.701
I get in my head and then
I just can't get out

01:01:45.735 --> 01:01:49.338
When I fall behind

01:01:49.372 --> 01:01:53.743
you're all I need

01:01:53.776 --> 01:01:58.247
Will you wait for me?

01:01:58.281 --> 01:02:05.121
(music)

01:02:05.154 --> 01:02:08.558
It's what I'm feeling
all my life

01:02:08.591 --> 01:02:11.694
Christmas morning as a child

01:02:11.727 --> 01:02:15.031
Burning candles make a fire

01:02:15.064 --> 01:02:18.301
Me and my brother,
we were smiling

01:02:18.334 --> 01:02:22.004
It's no surprise
I fail to find that

01:02:22.038 --> 01:02:25.575
I think I've made it up

01:02:25.608 --> 01:02:28.678
(music)

01:02:28.711 --> 01:02:33.716
I'm not all right right now

01:02:33.749 --> 01:02:36.385
(music)

01:02:36.419 --> 01:02:38.521
(laughing)

01:02:38.554 --> 01:02:40.690
- What?
- Naturally.

01:02:40.723 --> 01:02:42.325
That's amazing.

01:02:42.358 --> 01:02:45.862
When I fall behind

01:02:45.895 --> 01:02:50.066
I want to see

01:02:50.099 --> 01:02:54.770
Is you waiting for me

01:02:54.804 --> 01:03:01.944
(music)

01:03:01.978 --> 01:03:07.650
I woke up in a tailspin

01:03:07.683 --> 01:03:09.919
(music)

01:03:09.952 --> 01:03:12.155
And you said

01:03:12.188 --> 01:03:15.491
(music)

01:03:15.525 --> 01:03:21.497
Are you all right right now?

01:03:21.531 --> 01:03:28.504
If you're in your head,
I can help bring you out

01:03:28.538 --> 01:03:35.077
When you fall behind
I hope you fall on me

01:03:35.111 --> 01:03:38.714
(music)

01:03:38.748 --> 01:03:44.520
I'm all right for now

Main content

The S Word (62 min)

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