WEBVTT

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(city streets)

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(city noise)

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(muffled children shouting)

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(dog barks)

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(music playing in background)

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(footsteps)

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(moped drives by)

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(stove starter clicking)

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(telephone rings)

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(hangs up phone)

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(footsteps retreat)

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Why did Amos\' mother
commit suicide

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in Tel Aviv
on a rainy day?

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Around the same time,
my Aunt Ruth commit suicide

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on a pale sunny day
in Brussels.

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Suicides happen everywhere.

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Was it, for most of them,
a sort of exile

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wherever they were?

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Women who dreamed
of something,

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of what,
they probably didn\'t know.

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But they couldn\'t
sleep anymore,

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neither in Brussels
no in Jerusalem.

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They each had a son,

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one of the sons
became a great writer

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afterward.

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Long after the death
of his mother.

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The other didn\'t.

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Even though his mother,
my aunt,

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would have liked that.

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For awhile,
he painted.

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His painting was gloomy,
he stopped,

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then he work
in haute couture

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and he liked that,
at least I think he did.

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Now, he works in
a luxury hotel

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still in Brussels.

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He likes Brussels.

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I think of my Aunt Ruth
when she came back

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from the convent
after the war.

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She had changed, supposedly.

00:12:40.542 --> 00:12:43.917
Supposedly, she was
full of life before.

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She gave up everything;

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the piano, reading,
everything.

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I even think she wanted
to convert.

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It didn\'t last.

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My grandfather,
who was religious,

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didn\'t want her to.

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She got married,

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and then it started
to be bad.

00:12:58.500 --> 00:13:01.792
She often came
to our place to get away.

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She took care of me.

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She gave me
my first books.

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She had a child,
my cousin,

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but that didn\'t
make anything better.

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My father did all
he could for her,

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my father loved
her sister,

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and I loved my aunt.

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Sometimes she scared me.

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She talked to me
like I was an adult.

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She scared me.

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But she did love me.

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She sang me songs in Yiddish.

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I would listen,
but I wanted to go play.

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My mother,
my father would tell me,

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\"Be nice with Aunt Ruth.

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She isn\'t well.\"

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So, I was nice.

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Sometimes, we went
on vacation together.

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It was always
in Belgium

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on the North Sea.

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She didn\'t come with us
when we went by boat

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to Israel on vacation, no.

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For her, the time
for that was over.

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And it probably wouldn\'t
have changed anything.

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It was too late.

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Anyway, she already
couldn\'t stand the heat,

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the light anymore.

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(footsteps approaching)

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(floor creaks)

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(footsteps)

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(telephone rings)

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Hello?

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Ken?

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Ken?

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Yes, I\'m okay.

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Well, I don\'t know
if I\'m going to go today.

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I have to work.

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Well, if I go out
I will be distracted.

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Well, maybe next week.

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No, I have to--
I have to work today.

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Okay, oui.

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I\'ll call you next week.

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Bye.

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(hangs up phone)

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(rhythmic tapping)

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(children shouting)

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I don\'t feel
like I belong,

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and that\'s
without real pain,

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without pride.

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Pride happens.

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No, I\'m just disconnected

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from practically everything.

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I have a few uncles
and sometimes

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I let them go,
or they let me go,

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and I drift.

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That\'s most of the time.

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Sometimes I hang on
for a few days,

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minutes, seconds,

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then I let go again.

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I can have the look,
I can have the hair.

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Semi-blind?

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Semi-deaf?

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I float.

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Sometimes I sink,

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but not quite.

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Something,
sometimes a detail,

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brings me back
to the surface,

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and I start
floating again.

00:22:50.583 --> 00:22:52.999
I feel so disconnected
that I can\'t even

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have a house with bread,
butter, coffee, milk,

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toilet paper.

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And when I buy some,

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I feel like
it\'s a heroic act.

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Basically, I don\'t
know how to live

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or go anywhere.

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When I take the bus,

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it\'s a state
of heroism, too.

00:23:08.625 --> 00:23:10.999
And this all
has to do with that,

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with Israel or not Israel.

00:23:12.999 --> 00:23:15.125
Of course notrealIsrael.

00:23:15.125 --> 00:23:17.667
Within Israel
where all of a sudden

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I would belong.

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But I know that\'s
also a mirage.

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Something in me
has been damaged.

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My relationship
with the real,

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with daily life.

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How do you make a life
in a non-rarified air?

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It starts with
bread in the house.

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A minimum of order,

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a minimum of life.

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And besides all that,
I lose everything;

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my keys, my glasses,
my notes, my sister,

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and almost my mother.

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My notes on Israel, too.

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Because after months
of non-reflection,

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but reflection
nonetheless,

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I finally accepted
Xavier\'s offer,

00:23:51.250 --> 00:23:53.709
and I started
to take some notes.

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I lost my notes in Spain.

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A big blue and white
checkered notebook.

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I either left
this big notebook

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at the movies.

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That was the first
time I had gone in months,

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and I went with
my niece,

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otherwise I would
have stayed in bed

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at the hotel.

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I either lost the notes

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at the movies
or at the fast food place

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we went to before the movies.

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I didn\'t go back
to look for them

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out of laziness,
out of boredom,

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but mostly out
of lack of desire,

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or out of parasites of desire,

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disrupted, or worse.

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Out of the feeling
that if I sing,

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well, then I should just sing.

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I should just
deny myself,

00:24:34.458 --> 00:24:35.999
like I usually do,

00:24:35.999 --> 00:24:38.667
except sometimes
in spurts,

00:24:38.667 --> 00:24:40.250
that\'s what I generally do,

00:24:40.250 --> 00:24:42.500
except for my notes
or work.

00:24:42.500 --> 00:24:44.166
When I still
manage to work

00:24:44.166 --> 00:24:46.166
by refusing to let
all the rest

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get near the surface.

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Sometimes.

00:24:48.709 --> 00:24:51.500
And it\'s getting
harder and harder.

00:26:03.999 --> 00:26:06.458
(water sloshing)

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(airplane soars overhead)

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(waves breaking ashore)

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(echo of instrumental music)

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(city street noise)

00:30:33.917 --> 00:30:37.458
(dial-up internet sounds)

00:31:06.250 --> 00:31:08.750
(footsteps)

00:31:31.792 --> 00:31:33.999
(typing)

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(airplane soars overhead)

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In the book I\'m reading
someone says,

00:33:06.291 --> 00:33:08.375
\"Rabbi never stopped
pestering us.\"

00:33:08.375 --> 00:33:11.917
One day, we\'ll have
to look Israel straight on.

00:33:11.917 --> 00:33:15.375
without reservation
or procrastination,

00:33:15.375 --> 00:33:17.125
we won\'t escape it.

00:33:17.125 --> 00:33:19.792
Here we are,
I\'m here,

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and I\'m leaving again.

00:33:21.709 --> 00:33:23.166
When I go to
the airport,

00:33:23.166 --> 00:33:24.999
at security,
I was asked

00:33:24.999 --> 00:33:27.291
if I wanted
my passport stamped.

00:33:27.291 --> 00:33:28.999
I said, \"Sure, why not?\"

00:33:28.999 --> 00:33:31.041
Like if it was
an act of courage,

00:33:31.041 --> 00:33:33.999
an act of allegiance
as well.

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She couldn\'t care less.

00:33:35.250 --> 00:33:36.291
She stamped it.

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And if one day
I have to go to Syria,

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what will happen?

00:33:39.709 --> 00:33:40.625
Probably nothing,

00:33:40.625 --> 00:33:43.834
or else I have to get
a new passport.

00:33:43.834 --> 00:33:46.542
A passport costs
280 Euros.

00:33:46.542 --> 00:33:49.999
My act of bravado
will cost me that much.

00:33:49.999 --> 00:33:51.041
Bravado.

00:33:51.041 --> 00:33:52.959
This is where
I\'ve gotten to.

00:33:52.959 --> 00:33:55.625
I don\'t mind that
people know I came here.

00:33:55.625 --> 00:33:57.125
It isn\'t very pragmatic,

00:33:57.125 --> 00:33:59.709
but it\'s not wearing
a yellow star, either.

00:33:59.709 --> 00:34:02.917
No. I\'d even say
it\'s the opposite.

00:34:02.917 --> 00:34:05.458
And I won\'t escape
the yellow star.

00:34:05.458 --> 00:34:06.375
I\'m with it.

00:34:06.375 --> 00:34:08.375
It\'s written inside me.

00:34:08.375 --> 00:34:10.917
Yesterday I had
a very bad day.

00:34:10.917 --> 00:34:13.999
A day like in Paris,
but worse.

00:34:13.999 --> 00:34:15.333
I had a gastro something,

00:34:15.333 --> 00:34:16.834
and when Judy
came to get me,

00:34:16.834 --> 00:34:19.291
I said, \"Let\'s go
down to the beach.\"

00:34:19.291 --> 00:34:22.458
After two minutes,
I got terrible cramps.

00:34:22.458 --> 00:34:23.999
I wanted to go back.

00:34:23.999 --> 00:34:24.959
She took me.

00:34:24.959 --> 00:34:25.959
I was dying of cold,

00:34:25.959 --> 00:34:28.000
and though it must have
been 65 degrees

00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:31.417
and I was dressed
for mid-winter...

00:34:31.417 --> 00:34:32.667
I was shivering.

00:34:32.667 --> 00:34:35.375
I went to bed
and I slept.

00:34:35.375 --> 00:34:37.999
It was raining
when Amos Oz\'s mother

00:34:37.999 --> 00:34:39.709
committed suicide.

00:34:39.709 --> 00:34:42.792
Amos became a great
Israeli writer.

00:34:42.792 --> 00:34:44.166
Everyone I know reads him,

00:34:44.166 --> 00:34:47.999
although sometimes
they criticize him.

00:34:47.999 --> 00:34:50.625
I went out
at seven in the morning.

00:34:50.625 --> 00:34:52.333
I was out of cigarettes.

00:34:52.333 --> 00:34:53.542
I walked to the beach.

00:34:53.542 --> 00:34:55.583
It\'s half a block
from the apartment

00:34:55.583 --> 00:34:56.999
where I\'m staying.

00:34:56.999 --> 00:34:58.250
I saw a small crowd,

00:34:58.250 --> 00:34:59.542
someone was filming,

00:34:59.542 --> 00:35:01.500
someone who embraced a man.

00:35:01.500 --> 00:35:04.291
Some debris
from window panes.

00:35:04.291 --> 00:35:07.166
I turned the corner,
bought my cigarettes,

00:35:07.166 --> 00:35:08.999
and I asked, \"What happened?\"

00:35:08.999 --> 00:35:11.875
Just three words of him,
boom they went.

00:35:11.875 --> 00:35:14.542
I asked if anyone
was injured.

00:35:14.542 --> 00:35:16.625
Four dead was the answer.

00:35:16.625 --> 00:35:17.625
I was speechless.

00:35:17.625 --> 00:35:20.208
All of that was
supposed to be over.

00:35:20.208 --> 00:35:20.999
Nothing is normal.

00:35:20.999 --> 00:35:24.208
Someone else add,
\"and 50 wounded,\" in English.

00:35:24.208 --> 00:35:27.999
And seriously, too,
it could\'ve been worse.

00:35:27.999 --> 00:35:30.583
I said, \"So, this is over?\"

00:35:30.583 --> 00:35:32.875
The man says,
\"No, it\'s not over.

00:35:32.875 --> 00:35:34.875
It\'s just set back
three months.\"

00:35:34.875 --> 00:35:37.083
I didn\'t know
what to do anymore.

00:35:37.083 --> 00:35:39.792
People kept on running
on the beach.

00:35:39.792 --> 00:35:42.667
Others were
picking up garbage.

00:35:42.667 --> 00:35:43.999
Others walked.

00:35:43.999 --> 00:35:46.041
I really didn\'t
know what to do.

00:35:46.041 --> 00:35:47.166
I said to myself,

00:35:47.166 --> 00:35:49.583
\"Let\'s go get some
tea somewhere.\"

00:35:49.583 --> 00:35:50.999
But nothing appealed to me.

00:35:50.999 --> 00:35:52.709
I mean, I couldn\'t imagine

00:35:52.709 --> 00:35:55.999
sitting down
somewhere after that.

00:37:03.083 --> 00:37:05.583
(brakes squeak)

00:37:12.250 --> 00:37:14.250
(car horn honks)

00:38:00.917 --> 00:38:03.542
(airplane soars overhead)

00:38:38.333 --> 00:38:40.834
(footsteps)

00:39:34.291 --> 00:39:37.792
(footsteps)

00:41:02.999 --> 00:41:06.750
All day afterward
the telephone kept ringing.

00:41:06.750 --> 00:41:08.999
It was people who,
for the most part,

00:41:08.999 --> 00:41:09.625
I didn\'t know.

00:41:09.625 --> 00:41:13.000
Friends of my landlord
who knew I was there,

00:41:13.000 --> 00:41:13.999
and got worried.

00:41:13.999 --> 00:41:16.500
And they all said,
\"It\'s a good thing

00:41:16.500 --> 00:41:18.208
you were sleeping.\"

00:41:18.208 --> 00:41:19.291
And each one said,

00:41:19.291 --> 00:41:21.208
\"We should get
together one day.\"

00:41:21.208 --> 00:41:23.458
I said, \"Yes\"
but I said \"No.\"

00:41:23.458 --> 00:41:24.999
Well, I said
I would call them back.

00:41:24.999 --> 00:41:28.959
And during the night
the phone calls came, too,

00:41:28.959 --> 00:41:30.041
I only found out later.

00:41:30.041 --> 00:41:33.999
I was sleeping so deeply
that I didn\'t hear.

00:41:33.999 --> 00:41:35.375
So people worried.

00:41:35.375 --> 00:41:37.208
Kindness on the telephone.

00:41:37.208 --> 00:41:39.542
That\'s what made
me fall apart.

00:41:39.542 --> 00:41:41.750
I have fallen apart
since then.

00:41:41.750 --> 00:41:44.542
I have had trouble
getting over it.

00:41:44.542 --> 00:41:46.750
When I finally
did answer,

00:41:46.750 --> 00:41:47.709
they were relieved.

00:41:47.709 --> 00:41:48.166
I\'m alive.

00:41:48.166 --> 00:41:52.041
I told Sonia it put
things in perspective.

00:41:52.041 --> 00:41:54.125
It puts things
in perspective,

00:41:54.125 --> 00:41:56.291
and then sorrow returns.

00:41:56.291 --> 00:41:59.792
I think of my Aunt Ruth
who came back to the house

00:41:59.792 --> 00:42:02.750
after electroshock treatments.

00:42:02.750 --> 00:42:04.458
It put things
in perspective,

00:42:04.458 --> 00:42:06.166
sometimes for months.

00:42:06.166 --> 00:42:08.999
Sometimes more,
sometimes less.

00:42:08.999 --> 00:42:10.458
Then she had to go back.

00:42:10.458 --> 00:42:13.875
I remember one time when
we thought it was for good,

00:42:13.875 --> 00:42:17.999
because she bought herself
a pretty summer dress.

00:42:17.999 --> 00:42:18.959
She got us drinks,

00:42:18.959 --> 00:42:21.000
and even something to eat,
I think.

00:42:21.000 --> 00:42:22.999
I\'m not sure anymore.

00:42:22.999 --> 00:42:25.208
I must have been
about eight.

00:42:25.208 --> 00:42:27.625
She was wearing
her pretty dress.

00:42:27.625 --> 00:42:29.500
She had company: us.

00:42:29.500 --> 00:42:31.999
My father, my mother,
not my sister.

00:42:31.999 --> 00:42:34.625
I don\'t think my sister
was born yet.

00:42:34.625 --> 00:42:36.999
And then there was
her husband

00:42:36.999 --> 00:42:38.999
and her son, my cousin.

00:42:38.999 --> 00:42:40.125
We all act happy,

00:42:40.125 --> 00:42:43.999
but underneath,
we were still worried.

00:42:43.999 --> 00:42:45.458
How long would it
be this time

00:42:45.458 --> 00:42:47.250
before she had
to go back there

00:42:47.250 --> 00:42:48.458
to the hospital?

00:42:48.458 --> 00:42:50.333
\"It puts things
in perspective\"

00:42:50.333 --> 00:42:51.500
I said to Sonia.

00:42:51.500 --> 00:42:54.083
\"What perspective?\"

00:43:47.458 --> 00:43:49.959
(street sounds)

00:45:03.667 --> 00:45:06.250
(clang of object on table)

00:45:12.999 --> 00:45:15.583
(ripping of envelope)

00:45:37.875 --> 00:45:41.125
(birds chirping)

00:46:49.083 --> 00:46:51.750
(city street sounds)

00:47:19.750 --> 00:47:22.208
(muffled conversation)

00:47:44.750 --> 00:47:47.208
(circular saw whining)

00:48:00.458 --> 00:48:02.083
I called my mother.

00:48:02.083 --> 00:48:04.208
I told her
I was fine.

00:48:04.208 --> 00:48:07.375
She said,
\"Take care of yourself.\"

00:48:07.375 --> 00:48:08.875
Of course I take care.

00:48:08.875 --> 00:48:10.166
I don\'t take the bus,

00:48:10.166 --> 00:48:12.166
I don\'t go
to the supermarket

00:48:12.166 --> 00:48:13.792
or to the movie theaters.

00:48:13.792 --> 00:48:17.208
Well, mostly I stay here
in the apartment

00:48:17.208 --> 00:48:20.625
and I eat what
my landlord has left.

00:48:20.625 --> 00:48:22.999
And I read very
complicated books

00:48:22.999 --> 00:48:24.999
about the Jews.

00:48:24.999 --> 00:48:25.999
I take notes,

00:48:25.999 --> 00:48:26.999
I reread them,

00:48:26.999 --> 00:48:28.792
I try to understand.

00:48:28.792 --> 00:48:30.625
Sometimes I understand,

00:48:30.625 --> 00:48:32.792
or I get the whiff
of something,

00:48:32.792 --> 00:48:35.625
something that\'s
already there inside me

00:48:35.625 --> 00:48:37.999
but I can\'t express.

00:48:37.999 --> 00:48:39.125
I reread my notes.

00:48:39.125 --> 00:48:41.583
Once again,
I tell myself,

00:48:41.583 --> 00:48:43.750
\"It\'s really complicated.\"

00:48:43.750 --> 00:48:46.999
On the radio they said
a poem in German.

00:48:46.999 --> 00:48:51.291
Then they translated it
into Hebrew.

00:48:51.291 --> 00:48:55.417
I didn\'t understand
the Hebrew or the German.

00:48:55.417 --> 00:48:56.875
It was very soft German.

00:48:56.875 --> 00:48:59.875
Well, it was spoken
very softly.

00:48:59.875 --> 00:49:00.999
It was a poem.

00:49:00.999 --> 00:49:02.875
This, I\'m certain of it.

00:49:02.875 --> 00:49:06.583
It must have been
a very beautiful poem.

00:49:06.583 --> 00:49:08.750
Just before I left
for Israel,

00:49:08.750 --> 00:49:11.999
my mother came back
from Mexico City.

00:49:11.999 --> 00:49:14.166
When she got back,
she called me in Paris.

00:49:14.166 --> 00:49:18.333
With a weak voice
she told me, \"I\'m tired.\"

00:49:18.333 --> 00:49:20.750
I told her,
\"Who wouldn\'t be tired

00:49:20.750 --> 00:49:22.834
coming back from
such a trip?\"

00:49:22.834 --> 00:49:24.125
Just that.

00:49:24.125 --> 00:49:27.792
\"Yes,\" she agreed.

00:49:27.792 --> 00:49:30.041
(birds chirping)

00:49:31.583 --> 00:49:34.041
(muffled music plays)

00:49:56.999 --> 00:50:00.458
(telephone rings)

00:50:09.999 --> 00:50:12.041
Hello?

00:51:06.999 --> 00:51:09.667
(muffled conversation)

00:51:37.999 --> 00:51:40.500
(echoed hammering)

00:51:46.166 --> 00:51:48.834
(city street sounds)

00:52:12.083 --> 00:52:14.792
(circular saw whining)

00:52:53.458 --> 00:52:56.999
(waves breaking ashore)

00:53:54.792 --> 00:53:57.333
(airplane soars overhead)

00:55:16.375 --> 00:55:18.999
(airplane soars overhead)

00:55:23.999 --> 00:55:26.583
(helicopter blades chopping)

00:56:16.583 --> 00:56:19.041
(wind blowing)

00:56:19.041 --> 00:56:22.750
(plane soars overhead)

00:57:24.375 --> 00:57:26.999
(muffled conversation)

00:58:42.999 --> 00:58:45.583
(waves crashing ashore)

00:58:57.834 --> 00:59:00.125
(wind blowing)

00:59:17.750 --> 00:59:20.291
(airplane soars overhead)

01:00:08.083 --> 01:00:10.792
I hear an airplane passing.

01:00:10.792 --> 01:00:13.625
I go out on the terrace
for a look.

01:00:13.625 --> 01:00:16.875
I no longer like
going out on this terrace.

01:00:16.875 --> 01:00:20.792
From this terrace
you can see the sea.

01:00:20.792 --> 01:00:22.750
The explosion
was near the sea.

01:00:22.750 --> 01:00:25.333
The airplane
has passed.

01:00:25.333 --> 01:00:28.000
I can\'t see it anymore.

01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:29.834
I see the neighbor again.

01:00:29.834 --> 01:00:32.542
He\'s sitting on the terrace
with his wife

01:00:32.542 --> 01:00:34.959
drinking Nescafé.

01:00:34.959 --> 01:00:36.875
I reread my notes.

01:00:36.875 --> 01:00:38.999
It\'s complicated.

01:00:51.999 --> 01:00:54.041
I finished
a loaf of bread

01:00:54.041 --> 01:00:56.834
which was not
supposed to be for me.

01:00:56.834 --> 01:00:57.999
It was frozen.

01:00:57.999 --> 01:01:00.500
How am I going
to find another one?

01:01:00.500 --> 01:01:02.834
Maybe Judy made it herself.

01:01:02.834 --> 01:01:06.083
When she described
the apartment on the phone,

01:01:06.083 --> 01:01:08.000
she said I could
even make bread

01:01:08.000 --> 01:01:10.999
because there was
a bread making machine.

01:01:10.999 --> 01:01:12.959
I said, \"That\'s nice,

01:01:12.959 --> 01:01:16.417
but I don\'t think
I make any.\"

01:01:16.417 --> 01:01:18.999
They have everything
now in Israel,

01:01:18.999 --> 01:01:20.999
but I never
saw that bread.

01:01:20.999 --> 01:01:22.417
I finished the last slice,

01:01:22.417 --> 01:01:24.542
and I\'m already
obsessed with it.

01:01:24.542 --> 01:01:27.999
I will have to try
every bakery in town.

01:01:27.999 --> 01:01:31.083
I\'m dead set on
Judy finding her bread

01:01:31.083 --> 01:01:32.166
when she comes back.

01:01:32.166 --> 01:01:34.125
In my notes,
there is stuff

01:01:34.125 --> 01:01:35.999
about time and space,

01:01:35.999 --> 01:01:39.041
about putting
down roots in space.

01:01:39.041 --> 01:01:41.625
This I can understand.

01:01:41.625 --> 01:01:43.583
Even in the really
good bread

01:01:43.583 --> 01:01:46.125
and pastry shop
on Yehuda Street,

01:01:46.125 --> 01:01:47.750
I didn\'t see that bread.

01:01:47.750 --> 01:01:50.000
Maybe they would
know where to find it.

01:01:50.000 --> 01:01:52.999
I should have kept
a slice to show them.

01:01:52.999 --> 01:01:55.250
I\'ll never be able
to describe

01:01:55.250 --> 01:01:56.999
what the bread is like.

01:01:56.999 --> 01:01:59.667
Maybe there is another
one in the freezer,

01:01:59.667 --> 01:02:01.291
behind the frozen meat.

01:02:01.291 --> 01:02:01.792
No.

01:02:01.792 --> 01:02:03.959
In the meantime,
I am going to make rice

01:02:03.959 --> 01:02:08.583
and carrots to get rid
of my cramps and all the rest.

01:02:08.583 --> 01:02:11.999
Happiness begins with
thinking about yourself

01:02:11.999 --> 01:02:15.750
and doing what you
have to do to get better.

01:02:15.750 --> 01:02:16.999
I ate rice,

01:02:16.999 --> 01:02:18.542
the water from the rice,

01:02:18.542 --> 01:02:19.709
and the carrots.

01:02:19.709 --> 01:02:20.999
I liked it.

01:02:20.999 --> 01:02:23.333
I got sick eating
all the good salad

01:02:23.333 --> 01:02:25.917
you can get all over Israel.

01:02:25.917 --> 01:02:27.083
But it will pass,

01:02:27.083 --> 01:02:28.542
and I eat them again,

01:02:28.542 --> 01:02:30.250
and I won\'t
get sick again.

01:02:30.250 --> 01:02:31.500
Who knows.

01:02:31.500 --> 01:02:32.750
I break a glass,

01:02:32.750 --> 01:02:35.999
a glass which is part
of a set of six.

01:02:35.999 --> 01:02:38.291
In the four pages
of instruction

01:02:38.291 --> 01:02:42.208
it says that anything broken
must be replaced

01:02:42.208 --> 01:02:43.999
or reimbursed.

01:02:43.999 --> 01:02:46.458
I add a glass
to my list.

01:02:46.458 --> 01:02:47.834
Last night I went out.

01:02:47.834 --> 01:02:50.458
I saw people,
some of whom I know,

01:02:50.458 --> 01:02:51.125
others I don\'t.

01:02:51.125 --> 01:02:54.999
Everyone talked about
what went wrong in the world.

01:02:54.999 --> 01:02:57.875
\"In \'47, they should
have done this.\"

01:02:57.875 --> 01:03:00.875
\"In \'56, they should
have done that.\"

01:03:00.875 --> 01:03:02.583
\"And in \'68,
the other thing.\"

01:03:02.583 --> 01:03:03.999
Everyone was
always wrong.

01:03:03.999 --> 01:03:07.667
Everyone spoke French,
so I understand.

01:03:07.667 --> 01:03:12.000
And everyone tells me
I was lucky to sleeping.

01:03:12.000 --> 01:03:14.083
I leave Yona Hanavi Street,

01:03:14.083 --> 01:03:18.417
which means
\"street of the Prophet Yonah.\"

01:03:18.417 --> 01:03:20.875
My grandfather
was named Yonah, too.

01:03:20.875 --> 01:03:24.999
And he was a descendant
of the Rabbi of Belz.

01:03:24.999 --> 01:03:28.166
My cousin explains
that they were

01:03:28.166 --> 01:03:29.999
Ultra-Orthodox.

01:03:29.999 --> 01:03:31.166
They are called
\"The Blacks\"

01:03:31.166 --> 01:03:33.999
because of their clothing.

01:03:33.999 --> 01:03:36.250
I walked to Yona Hanavi Street,

01:03:36.250 --> 01:03:37.792
I don\'t get lost.

01:03:37.792 --> 01:03:40.792
I watch TV,
the French channel,

01:03:40.792 --> 01:03:42.083
I fall asleep.

01:03:42.083 --> 01:03:42.917
I get up,

01:03:42.917 --> 01:03:44.999
the plant man is
already on the terrace.

01:03:44.999 --> 01:03:47.709
He seems to be
watching the plants grow.

01:03:47.709 --> 01:03:50.291
I think plants
don\'t grow that fast,

01:03:50.291 --> 01:03:51.999
not even in Israel.

01:03:51.999 --> 01:03:54.999
On the other hand,
you never know.

01:04:01.583 --> 01:04:03.999
(traffic noise)

01:04:04.417 --> 01:04:07.875
My cousin is leaving
for Paris today.

01:04:07.875 --> 01:04:08.750
It\'s too bad.

01:04:08.750 --> 01:04:11.208
I like having
my cousin near me.

01:04:11.208 --> 01:04:13.083
She seems to know
how to live.

01:04:13.083 --> 01:04:15.999
\"Come more often,\"
she always tells me.

01:04:15.999 --> 01:04:17.000
Yes.

01:04:17.000 --> 01:04:18.750
I like to be here.

01:04:18.750 --> 01:04:19.458
Why?

01:04:19.458 --> 01:04:21.792
Because,
because of everything,

01:04:21.792 --> 01:04:22.208
of nothing.

01:04:22.208 --> 01:04:25.000
Something in the air,
something in me.

01:04:25.000 --> 01:04:28.000
I make rice and carrots
for myself.

01:04:28.000 --> 01:04:29.083
I leave things around,

01:04:29.083 --> 01:04:31.999
then I decide
to put everything away.

01:04:31.999 --> 01:04:34.583
\"In this country,
I won\'t let things

01:04:34.583 --> 01:04:37.625
lie around anymore,\"
I tell myself.

01:04:37.625 --> 01:04:41.667
The man drinks coffee
with his wife on the terrace.

01:04:41.667 --> 01:04:44.417
If my grandfather
is a descendent

01:04:44.417 --> 01:04:46.291
of the Rabbi of Belz,

01:04:46.291 --> 01:04:47.959
then so am I.

01:04:47.959 --> 01:04:51.417
I search within myself
to see if I can feel it.

01:04:51.417 --> 01:04:53.625
Yes, yes I feel it.

01:04:53.625 --> 01:04:56.750
No, now I can\'t anymore.

01:04:56.750 --> 01:04:58.583
What is it
to feel it anyway?

01:04:58.583 --> 01:04:59.709
I don\'t know.

01:04:59.709 --> 01:05:03.333
Actually, I realize
I know more words in Hebrew

01:05:03.333 --> 01:05:04.417
than I thought.

01:05:04.417 --> 01:05:07.875
I remember \"chalutzim,\"
that means pioneers.

01:05:07.875 --> 01:05:10.166
\"Chalutzot\" is
woman pioneers.

01:05:10.166 --> 01:05:11.999
\"Chawerim\" is comrades.

01:05:11.999 --> 01:05:14.417
\"Chaweroth\" is comrades, too.

01:05:14.417 --> 01:05:16.999
(speaking in Hebrew)

01:05:20.999 --> 01:05:23.041
On the telephone,
I can almost

01:05:23.041 --> 01:05:24.875
have a conversation in Hebrew.

01:05:24.875 --> 01:05:26.125
I mix it up
with Russian,

01:05:26.125 --> 01:05:28.583
then someone says
lots of words,

01:05:28.583 --> 01:05:31.291
I can\'t keep it up.

01:05:31.291 --> 01:05:32.875
So, I say...

01:05:32.875 --> 01:05:34.667
(speaks Hebrew)

01:05:34.667 --> 01:05:37.291
\"I don\'t speak Hebrew.\"

01:05:37.291 --> 01:05:38.792
If I had been born here,

01:05:38.792 --> 01:05:41.333
my mother would have
let me play in the street

01:05:41.333 --> 01:05:42.291
with the other children.

01:05:42.291 --> 01:05:45.166
In Brussels,
she wouldn\'t let me.

01:05:45.166 --> 01:05:46.250
She was afraid.

01:05:46.250 --> 01:05:47.999
Here, she would
have let me,

01:05:47.999 --> 01:05:49.542
and I wouldn\'t have
spent hours looking

01:05:49.542 --> 01:05:52.917
out of the window at
the other children playing

01:05:52.917 --> 01:05:55.709
with a ball
or something else.

01:05:55.709 --> 01:05:57.458
Looking out the window,

01:05:57.458 --> 01:05:59.999
I got all up
inside myself.

01:05:59.999 --> 01:06:02.458
Here, I would have run.

01:06:02.458 --> 01:06:03.417
I would have screamed.

01:06:03.417 --> 01:06:05.083
Here, the child
is a king,

01:06:05.083 --> 01:06:06.750
like in America.

01:06:06.750 --> 01:06:09.999
Now, I\'m in the habit
of looking out the window.

01:06:09.999 --> 01:06:14.208
I look and I get
all up inside myself.

01:06:34.417 --> 01:06:37.999
(children shouting)

01:07:04.500 --> 01:07:07.041
(airplane soars overhead)

01:07:44.500 --> 01:07:47.041
(woman speaking in Hebrew)

01:09:09.333 --> 01:09:12.667
It\'s hot out today,
it feels good.

01:09:12.667 --> 01:09:13.667
I hear children.

01:09:13.667 --> 01:09:16.875
They are already
playing in the schoolyard.

01:09:16.875 --> 01:09:20.375
I make my bed,
do a little exercise.

01:09:20.375 --> 01:09:22.625
It feels good.

01:09:22.625 --> 01:09:25.875
The man from
the university came.

01:09:25.875 --> 01:09:27.291
He\'s a calm man.

01:09:27.291 --> 01:09:30.291
He says little,
but when he says it,

01:09:30.291 --> 01:09:31.792
I tell myself, \"Yes.\"

01:09:31.792 --> 01:09:34.875
I try to get him
to speak about Israel,

01:09:34.875 --> 01:09:36.000
he does, calmly.

01:09:36.000 --> 01:09:39.000
I agree with
everything he says.

01:09:39.000 --> 01:09:41.834
I don\'t really remember
what he said,

01:09:41.834 --> 01:09:43.999
but it was all
self-evident.

01:09:43.999 --> 01:09:47.417
I asked him if it was
because Amos Oz\'s mother

01:09:47.417 --> 01:09:49.667
felt like she was
exiled here,

01:09:49.667 --> 01:09:51.750
that she committed suicide?

01:09:51.750 --> 01:09:54.917
If she had lost
something of herself

01:09:54.917 --> 01:09:57.709
when she left Europe?

01:09:57.709 --> 01:09:58.583
He looked at me for awhile,

01:09:58.583 --> 01:10:03.333
and then he said,
\"Maybe, yes, that happens.

01:10:03.333 --> 01:10:06.250
People don\'t ever
think about that,

01:10:06.250 --> 01:10:07.959
but it happens.

01:10:07.959 --> 01:10:09.500
It can happen.\"

01:10:09.500 --> 01:10:11.709
He asked me, \"And you?\"

01:10:11.709 --> 01:10:13.000
\"I don\'t count.

01:10:13.000 --> 01:10:14.834
I go home next week.\"

01:10:14.834 --> 01:10:17.291
\"Yes, I know.\"

01:10:17.291 --> 01:10:19.542
\"I have to start
getting the apartment

01:10:19.542 --> 01:10:20.959
back in shape.

01:10:20.959 --> 01:10:23.166
Everything was
so tidy here.

01:10:23.166 --> 01:10:25.208
How will I manage?\"

01:10:25.208 --> 01:10:25.999
He smiles.

01:10:25.999 --> 01:10:28.291
He rises and opens
the drapes.

01:10:28.291 --> 01:10:31.083
The air,
the light pours in.

01:10:31.083 --> 01:10:33.999
For a few seconds,
I\'m blinded.

01:10:33.999 --> 01:10:35.875
Then I can see again.

01:10:35.875 --> 01:10:39.999
He says, \"It\'s hard
to get out of prison,

01:10:39.999 --> 01:10:42.625
especially your own prison.

01:10:42.625 --> 01:10:45.125
But you do get out.\"

01:10:45.125 --> 01:10:47.999
I don\'t dare ask how.

01:10:47.999 --> 01:10:49.125
Another time, maybe.

01:10:49.125 --> 01:10:53.333
But when he leaves,
I realize he has done me good.

01:10:53.333 --> 01:10:54.834
He\'s a man like before.

01:10:54.834 --> 01:10:57.999
He\'s calm,
and he knows.

01:10:57.999 --> 01:11:02.208
He knows exile,
prison, inside, outside.

01:11:02.208 --> 01:11:05.417
Well, I think he does.

01:11:21.542 --> 01:11:24.000
(circular saw whining)

01:12:31.375 --> 01:12:33.875
(brushing teeth)

01:13:10.041 --> 01:13:12.542
(running water)

01:13:56.667 --> 01:13:59.208
(airplane soars overhead)

01:14:12.458 --> 01:14:15.999
(roar of jet engines)

01:14:35.792 --> 01:14:38.041
(car horn honks)

01:14:40.041 --> 01:14:43.875
(airplanes soaring overhead)

01:15:28.917 --> 01:15:30.999
What if we had
gone to Israel

01:15:30.999 --> 01:15:32.959
instead of Belgium?

01:15:32.959 --> 01:15:33.834
Yes.

01:15:33.834 --> 01:15:35.125
Perhaps we should have.

01:15:35.125 --> 01:15:37.125
But it\'s so hot down there,

01:15:37.125 --> 01:15:39.625
and the earth
is so arid, yes.

01:15:39.625 --> 01:15:41.999
But we would have
gotten off easy.

01:15:41.999 --> 01:15:44.458
It would have been
an inspiration.

01:15:44.458 --> 01:15:47.999
Perhaps we would
all still be here.

01:15:47.999 --> 01:15:49.375
My father wasn\'t
strong enough

01:15:49.375 --> 01:15:52.625
for this arid land,
my father said.

01:15:52.625 --> 01:15:55.834
One day, he told me
that when it started

01:15:55.834 --> 01:15:56.999
to smell bad,

01:15:56.999 --> 01:15:58.291
he brought us
to Danzig,

01:15:58.291 --> 01:16:01.166
my mother,
my three sisters and me,

01:16:01.166 --> 01:16:02.999
and he went to Marseille.

01:16:02.999 --> 01:16:05.999
He intended to take
a boat to Palestine.

01:16:05.999 --> 01:16:08.333
He had his mind
made up to go to see

01:16:08.333 --> 01:16:10.208
how it was down there.

01:16:10.208 --> 01:16:13.166
Find us a place to live,
find work,

01:16:13.166 --> 01:16:14.792
and then send for us.

01:16:14.792 --> 01:16:19.208
Then, on the dock,
he met someone from Kazimierz

01:16:19.208 --> 01:16:21.166
who was coming
back from there

01:16:21.166 --> 01:16:23.041
gaunt, exhausted.

01:16:23.041 --> 01:16:25.999
Somebody who I don\'t
remember who he was,

01:16:25.999 --> 01:16:27.999
told him,
\"Don\'t go down there.

01:16:27.999 --> 01:16:31.083
There is malaria,
swamps, mosquitoes,

01:16:31.083 --> 01:16:32.166
and hot.

01:16:32.166 --> 01:16:33.375
Life is too hard.

01:16:33.375 --> 01:16:35.667
Maybe alone you\'d
get along there,

01:16:35.667 --> 01:16:38.000
but with a family
and young children,

01:16:38.000 --> 01:16:39.375
it\'s not possible.\"

01:16:39.375 --> 01:16:42.041
And the hot wind
kicks up the sand.

01:16:42.041 --> 01:16:43.333
The sand gets
into everything.

01:16:43.333 --> 01:16:46.125
In your eyes
and all your fingernails,

01:16:46.125 --> 01:16:47.500
in your clothing.

01:16:47.500 --> 01:16:49.667
It\'s only sand,
rock, stone,

01:16:49.667 --> 01:16:51.125
swamps, mosquitoes.

01:16:51.125 --> 01:16:52.375
You\'ll die.

01:16:52.375 --> 01:16:53.999
Die once again.\"

01:16:53.999 --> 01:16:55.333
\"So, where can we go?\"

01:16:55.333 --> 01:16:57.500
\"I heard that in Belgium
it was good.

01:16:57.500 --> 01:17:00.999
You can live, work,
raise a family.

01:17:00.999 --> 01:17:02.792
So they say anyway.\"

01:17:02.792 --> 01:17:03.999
\"Let\'s go see.\"

01:17:03.999 --> 01:17:04.917
They went.

01:17:04.917 --> 01:17:07.583
They survived,
more or less, well.

01:17:07.583 --> 01:17:11.458
On my father\'s side,
they live to the end of the war.

01:17:11.458 --> 01:17:11.999
But how?

01:17:11.999 --> 01:17:14.792
Without wind,
without sand.

01:17:14.792 --> 01:17:17.125
Now, I\'m here in Israel.

01:17:17.125 --> 01:17:19.375
I\'m here in
an apartment

01:17:19.375 --> 01:17:20.041
which is not mine,

01:17:20.041 --> 01:17:24.959
and I live on everything my
landlady left in the fridge.

01:17:24.959 --> 01:17:26.291
I don\'t go out.

01:17:26.291 --> 01:17:27.709
I close the drapes.

01:17:27.709 --> 01:17:28.625
I hide.

01:17:28.625 --> 01:17:29.041
Well, a little.

01:17:29.041 --> 01:17:33.792
Actually, I begin by reading
very complicated books

01:17:33.792 --> 01:17:35.250
and taking notes.

01:17:35.250 --> 01:17:38.083
I hear the sounds
of the city.

01:17:38.083 --> 01:17:41.417
I\'m in Tel Aviv.

01:17:41.417 --> 01:17:43.999
(telephone rings)

01:17:50.999 --> 01:17:52.875
Hello?

01:17:52.875 --> 01:17:55.333
(muffled conversation)

01:18:02.834 --> 01:18:05.208
(cityscape sounds)