WEBVTT

00:00:02.801 --> 00:00:04.968
This is my mother.

00:00:10.767 --> 00:00:13.500
That is my brother.

00:00:13.501 --> 00:00:15.967
It is my photo that I look at

00:00:15.968 --> 00:00:18.900
when I am in my lowest moments.

00:00:24.234 --> 00:00:28.733
When I look at it, I hate everybody.

00:01:02.901 --> 00:01:06.867
In 1994, in the east
African nation of Rwanda

00:01:06.868 --> 00:01:10.600
800,000 men, women and children were killed

00:01:10.601 --> 00:01:16.000
in one of the most brutal
tragedies of our time.

00:01:16.701 --> 00:01:18.600
The killing began on April 7

00:01:18.601 --> 00:01:21.967
the day after the Rwandan
President JuvŽnal Habyarimana

00:01:21.968 --> 00:01:22.734
a Hutu

00:01:22.735 --> 00:01:25.399
was killed when his plane was shot down

00:01:25.400 --> 00:01:28.669
as it prepared to land in Kigali.

00:01:28.670 --> 00:01:30.933
For 100 days

00:01:30.934 --> 00:01:34.166
Hutu militia groups led
a genocidal campaign

00:01:34.167 --> 00:01:36.600
throughout the country
targeting all Tutsis.

00:01:36.601 --> 00:01:37.766
The international

00:01:37.767 --> 00:01:40.666
community was essentially non-responsive

00:01:40.667 --> 00:01:43.000
as the tragedy unfolded.

00:01:51.100 --> 00:01:52.933
In the first week

00:01:52.934 --> 00:01:56.329
65,000 Tutsis were killed.

00:01:56.330 --> 00:01:58.166
Then the Hutu militias began

00:01:58.167 --> 00:02:00.299
broadcasting genocidal propaganda.

00:02:00.300 --> 00:02:02.933
All Tutsis will perish.

00:02:02.934 --> 00:02:05.366
They will disappear from the earth.

00:02:05.367 --> 00:02:09.933
We will kill them all like rats.

00:02:09.934 --> 00:02:14.766
And 100 days after the genocide began

00:02:14.767 --> 00:02:17.800
the killing finally stopped.

00:02:17.801 --> 00:02:21.867
Nearly one million people were dead.

00:02:21.868 --> 00:02:24.666
But this isn\'t a story about the dead

00:02:24.667 --> 00:02:28.099
or about the world\'s
politicians who stood by

00:02:28.100 --> 00:02:30.366
and did nothing.

00:02:30.367 --> 00:02:34.566
This is the story of the most
vulnerable of the genocide

00:02:34.567 --> 00:02:37.800
women who were victims of the most brutal

00:02:37.801 --> 00:02:40.833
acts of a dark war.

00:02:55.701 --> 00:03:00.433
We held the doors strong.
They started shooting.

00:03:00.434 --> 00:03:03.266
We see another one dying there

00:03:03.267 --> 00:03:05.533
we see another one dying there.

00:03:05.534 --> 00:03:08.867
Then we all lost the courage to fight.

00:03:08.868 --> 00:03:13.199
We gave in and they opened the door.

00:03:13.200 --> 00:03:15.800
They entered with machetes

00:03:15.801 --> 00:03:17.329
with axes

00:03:17.330 --> 00:03:18.633
with hoes.

00:03:18.634 --> 00:03:20.466
People were falling on me

00:03:20.467 --> 00:03:22.299
about four layers deep.

00:03:22.300 --> 00:03:25.967
The militias started cutting into pieces

00:03:25.968 --> 00:03:27.867
those who were on top of us.

00:03:27.868 --> 00:03:31.466
They cut into the first
layer, the second layer

00:03:31.467 --> 00:03:33.329
the third layer

00:03:33.330 --> 00:03:36.300
now after that one, it is me.

00:03:43.200 --> 00:03:46.132
They raped from every corner.

00:03:46.133 --> 00:03:50.733
Every woman who was in that
church at that time was raped.

00:03:50.734 --> 00:03:53.533
And they raped me

00:03:53.534 --> 00:03:54.566
with all my

00:03:54.567 --> 00:03:55.867
children seeing.

00:03:55.868 --> 00:03:59.867
I can only remember five men.

00:03:59.868 --> 00:04:05.266
By the fifth I had started
losing my understanding.

00:04:05.267 --> 00:04:09.133
When I became unconscious
they kept raping me.

00:04:15.801 --> 00:04:17.166
I never asked my parents

00:04:17.167 --> 00:04:19.266
to produce me as a Tutsi.

00:04:19.267 --> 00:04:22.933
But I am suffering now
because of no other crime

00:04:22.934 --> 00:04:25.399
than having been born a Tutsi.

00:04:25.400 --> 00:04:29.967
And I am paying a price for the
sins that I never committed.

00:04:29.968 --> 00:04:33.967
They said they are going to rape us

00:04:33.968 --> 00:04:36.166
but they used the word \"marry.\"

00:04:36.167 --> 00:04:38.233
They said they are going to marry us

00:04:38.234 --> 00:04:43.433
until we stop breathing.

00:04:43.434 --> 00:04:48.199
We are leftovers of the
militia\'s sexual appetite.

00:04:48.200 --> 00:04:52.400
And whenever I think
about it, I hate myself.

00:04:58.200 --> 00:05:04.633
What they did to my mother,
I don\'t want to remember.

00:05:04.634 --> 00:05:09.333
They raped her. And after raping her,

00:05:09.334 --> 00:05:13.999
they got a stick and put it
through her private parts.

00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:17.633
When I saw this it was unbearable for me.

00:05:17.634 --> 00:05:22.329
It\'s when I realized it was war.

00:05:22.330 --> 00:05:24.800
I realized it was genocide.

00:05:24.801 --> 00:05:28.766
It\'s when I realized I was now an orphan.

00:05:28.767 --> 00:05:34.667
So I gathered courage and
decided to walk by myself.

00:05:35.501 --> 00:05:39.467
To wherever I would go, I didn\'t know.

00:05:40.734 --> 00:05:46.900
Every step of that hill,
every grass, every tree

00:05:46.901 --> 00:05:52.466
every stone, every house,
reminds me of 1994.

00:05:52.467 --> 00:05:55.133
I don\'t want to go there.

00:06:01.767 --> 00:06:04.900
We were attacked by a gang of Hutu men.

00:06:04.901 --> 00:06:09.833
One of them hit me hard in the chest.

00:06:09.834 --> 00:06:14.701
He raped me over and over.

00:06:14.734 --> 00:06:19.667
And when he was done he left me
there, and I was unconscious.

00:06:29.400 --> 00:06:32.366
Soldiers attacked my uncle\'s house.

00:06:32.367 --> 00:06:35.933
They killed him. They killed my aunt.

00:06:35.934 --> 00:06:42.333
When I heard the bullets, I
ran and hid under the bed.

00:06:42.334 --> 00:06:44.833
The killers did not search the bedroom.

00:06:44.834 --> 00:06:46.833
They thought they had attacked

00:06:46.834 --> 00:06:49.500
everybody who was in the house.

00:06:49.501 --> 00:06:51.600
My aunty had been killed

00:06:51.601 --> 00:06:54.366
and they had put the baby on her breasts.

00:06:54.367 --> 00:06:59.733
So the whole sitting room was
full of blood and dead bodies

00:06:59.734 --> 00:07:03.233
except for the little baby who was alive

00:07:03.234 --> 00:07:07.300
and sucking the breasts of a dead mother.

00:07:09.701 --> 00:07:13.132
There were many soldiers,
and when they saw me

00:07:13.133 --> 00:07:16.399
they asked me whether I
knew the cockroaches

00:07:16.400 --> 00:07:19.700
because that\'s what they called Tutsis.

00:07:19.701 --> 00:07:24.999
They said: \"You look like them,
we are going to kill you.\"

00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:28.999
So, one soldier took me
in the bush to shoot me.

00:07:29.000 --> 00:07:32.800
He looked at me and said:
\"I can\'t kill you.

00:07:32.801 --> 00:07:35.366
I have very few bullets remaining

00:07:35.367 --> 00:07:37.333
and they are calling me for battle.

00:07:37.334 --> 00:07:42.801
There is no reason why I should
waste my bullet on you.\"

00:08:25.400 --> 00:08:29.399
After the war, my father
constantly reminded me

00:08:29.400 --> 00:08:30.766
this kid is bad

00:08:30.767 --> 00:08:36.669
That her people, that her
relatives killed my family.

00:08:36.670 --> 00:08:40.399
That there was no reason for me
whatsoever to love that girl.

00:08:40.400 --> 00:08:44.166
But in me, I feel she is innocent.

00:08:44.167 --> 00:08:47.299
But I can\'t show it to my family members.

00:08:47.300 --> 00:08:51.266
So what I do when this happens. I go to bed

00:08:51.267 --> 00:08:58.133
and sleep and shed tears in my
bed and keep quiet about it.

00:08:58.701 --> 00:09:03.566
Let me tell you something that
I have never told my family.

00:09:03.567 --> 00:09:07.500
Deep in my heart, I love my kid.

00:09:07.501 --> 00:09:11.266
I am sure they keep telling
her I don\'t love her.

00:09:11.267 --> 00:09:15.833
But if I had the means, I
don\'t know when, or how

00:09:15.834 --> 00:09:17.733
I would stay with her.

00:09:17.734 --> 00:09:21.166
My only struggle that I live with always

00:09:21.167 --> 00:09:24.399
even if I got the means to stay with her

00:09:24.400 --> 00:09:30.234
I am not sure she will
ever accept and love me.

00:09:35.133 --> 00:09:37.199
After the genocide

00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:40.669
I have many children that I look after.

00:09:40.670 --> 00:09:44.366
My brothers and sisters were all killed

00:09:44.367 --> 00:09:46.999
but they had children who had survived.

00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:51.800
So I have seven children that I look after.

00:09:59.300 --> 00:10:01.566
They know I\'m their everything.

00:10:01.567 --> 00:10:04.800
I\'m their uncle. I\'m their auntie.
I\'m their mother.

00:10:04.801 --> 00:10:07.833
I\'m their father. I\'m their grandmother.

00:10:07.834 --> 00:10:10.900
I am everything for them.

00:10:10.901 --> 00:10:14.399
So they don\'t want to hear
that I am HIV positive.

00:10:14.400 --> 00:10:18.366
But that\'s a reality
they have to live with.

00:10:18.367 --> 00:10:20.566
I am.

00:10:20.567 --> 00:10:23.833
I live with HIV

00:10:23.834 --> 00:10:28.534
which is a legacy of genocide.

00:10:31.634 --> 00:10:36.299
I am a mother, but
unwilling to be a mother.

00:10:36.300 --> 00:10:38.099
Whenever I look at this child

00:10:38.100 --> 00:10:41.399
I trigger back to the memories of rape.

00:10:41.400 --> 00:10:45.867
Maybe with time I will love
this daughter of mine.

00:10:45.868 --> 00:10:49.400
Maybe. But for now... No.

00:10:50.968 --> 00:10:53.669
I love the first daughter more because

00:10:53.670 --> 00:10:55.967
I gave birth to her as a result of love.

00:10:55.968 --> 00:11:00.132
Her father was my husband.

00:11:00.133 --> 00:11:04.366
The second girl is a result
of an unwanted circumstance.

00:11:04.367 --> 00:11:07.000
I never loved this kid.

00:11:10.167 --> 00:11:12.533
This is not the way we used to live

00:11:12.534 --> 00:11:15.566
but this is the way I am now.

00:11:15.567 --> 00:11:17.466
I am physically handicapped

00:11:17.467 --> 00:11:19.666
because of the beatings
that I went through.

00:11:19.667 --> 00:11:21.867
I can\'t carry anything.

00:11:21.868 --> 00:11:25.266
It is now that I say, it is even good

00:11:25.267 --> 00:11:29.100
that I didn\'t kill that boy
because he fetches for me water.

00:11:32.868 --> 00:11:35.233
I don\'t think I\'m a mother.

00:11:35.234 --> 00:11:37.266
I don\'t think I\'m a girl.

00:11:37.267 --> 00:11:40.329
I\'m something in between.

00:11:40.330 --> 00:11:42.199
Something I don\'t know.

00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:45.166
Because a mother must have a home.

00:11:45.167 --> 00:11:47.233
I don\'t have a home.

00:11:47.234 --> 00:11:49.233
A girl doesn\'t have a child.

00:11:49.234 --> 00:11:52.133
I have a child.

00:11:55.701 --> 00:11:57.733
I don\'t think about Rwanda often.

00:11:57.734 --> 00:12:00.133
I think about my son.

00:12:01.100 --> 00:12:04.700
When I think about his life, he
is like a tree without branches.

00:12:04.701 --> 00:12:07.566
He is my life.

00:12:07.567 --> 00:12:09.800
And if I didn\'t have him

00:12:09.801 --> 00:12:11.766
I don\'t know what I would be.

00:12:11.767 --> 00:12:17.166
Tell the world that the
international community has a debt

00:12:17.167 --> 00:12:19.833
because they didn\'t come to our rescue.

00:12:19.834 --> 00:12:22.500
They should now come to support us

00:12:22.501 --> 00:12:26.934
as we deal with the legacy of genocide.

00:12:31.100 --> 00:12:33.566
What message can I give you?

00:12:33.567 --> 00:12:39.166
All I see is: it is morning. It is evening.

00:12:39.167 --> 00:12:43.333
A day has gone, another one has come.

00:12:43.334 --> 00:12:48.299
I didn\'t know I was
pregnant until very late.

00:12:48.300 --> 00:12:50.266
That\'s when I started wishing to die

00:12:50.267 --> 00:12:54.466
and I thought I should commit suicide.

00:12:54.467 --> 00:12:58.933
I waited for the day to give birth
and I would kill the child.

00:12:58.934 --> 00:13:01.533
But when I gave birth the child was so

00:13:01.534 --> 00:13:03.566
beautiful that I developed love

00:13:03.567 --> 00:13:04.968
immediately.

00:13:17.534 --> 00:13:21.466
My children, a parent looks at two issues:

00:13:21.467 --> 00:13:24.299
It is either you are alive today

00:13:24.300 --> 00:13:26.132
or tomorrow you may be dead.

00:13:26.133 --> 00:13:29.199
Just in case I\'m not alive

00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:31.999
I want you to remain with these words:

00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:34.166
Be friendly.

00:13:34.167 --> 00:13:36.299
Love one another.

00:13:36.300 --> 00:13:38.633
Learn to be patient

00:13:38.634 --> 00:13:40.533
just like I have been patient

00:13:40.534 --> 00:13:46.334
in the trying moments of this world.