00:00:00.588 --> 00:00:04.755
(gentle instrumental music)
(birds chirping)

00:00:37.829 --> 00:00:40.679
- [Roberta] I first met Steve
Stone more than 10 years ago.

00:00:40.679 --> 00:00:43.068
It was at a wedding.

00:00:43.068 --> 00:00:46.955
He seemed unlike anyone I'd ever known.

00:00:46.955 --> 00:00:50.855
He danced with a sense of wild abandon,

00:00:50.855 --> 00:00:54.688
and he was determined
to entertain and amuse.

00:00:55.569 --> 00:00:57.702
Shortly after meeting him,

00:00:57.702 --> 00:00:59.079
I asked if he would be willing

00:00:59.079 --> 00:01:02.252
to say the mourners' prayer
at my father's memorial,

00:01:02.252 --> 00:01:04.611
a two hour drive by car.

00:01:04.611 --> 00:01:07.254
I didn't know anyone else
who could recite the Hebrew,

00:01:07.254 --> 00:01:10.037
and I wanted it to be
a peer of mine instead

00:01:10.037 --> 00:01:12.787
of a contemporary of my father's.

00:01:13.794 --> 00:01:16.406
I also thought it fitting because my dad,

00:01:16.406 --> 00:01:19.104
a former psychiatrist,
had spent the latter years

00:01:19.104 --> 00:01:23.917
of his practice helping gay
men accept their gayness.

00:01:23.917 --> 00:01:27.355
Steve was gay, it was a perfect fit.

00:01:27.355 --> 00:01:30.906
And Steve agreed to do it
without a moment's hesitation.

00:01:30.906 --> 00:01:33.489
For him, it was a great honor.

00:01:35.256 --> 00:01:36.369
Soon after arriving,

00:01:36.369 --> 00:01:39.828
I found him sprawled
out on my father's bed,

00:01:39.828 --> 00:01:42.578
trying it on for size, I suppose.

00:01:44.642 --> 00:01:46.706
A walk with Steve would
turn out to be a little bit

00:01:46.706 --> 00:01:49.555
of a walk on the wild side.

00:01:49.555 --> 00:01:52.169
Let's just say he's a character,

00:01:52.169 --> 00:01:55.509
with more friends and in
receipt of more invitations

00:01:55.509 --> 00:01:58.646
than I could ever hope to have.

00:01:58.646 --> 00:02:02.729
Getting to know him was
to be a great adventure.

00:02:30.906 --> 00:02:31.756
- You guys want to walk outside

00:02:31.756 --> 00:02:36.292
and just say a couple of
words for our little video?

00:02:36.292 --> 00:02:38.019
That's good, right here.

00:02:38.019 --> 00:02:39.229
What do you say, Roberta?

00:02:39.229 --> 00:02:40.062
Come over here.

00:02:40.062 --> 00:02:41.078
- Okay.
- Stand back.

00:02:41.078 --> 00:02:42.897
- Where is the eye of the camera?

00:02:42.897 --> 00:02:44.900
- Now.
- Okay.

00:02:44.900 --> 00:02:45.733
- What have you got to say?

00:02:45.733 --> 00:02:47.060
- Who's this about?

00:02:47.060 --> 00:02:49.273
- It's about (laughing),

00:02:49.273 --> 00:02:51.076
it's all about me, what are you talking?

00:02:51.076 --> 00:02:53.415
Oh I'm sorry, it's all
about Rick and Candice.

00:02:53.415 --> 00:02:55.184
Oh, that's pretty.
- Thank you.

00:02:55.184 --> 00:02:57.123
- It matches the wedding color.

00:02:57.123 --> 00:02:58.160
- Yes, isn’t that amazing?

00:02:58.160 --> 00:02:59.950
Look, all this purple.

00:02:59.950 --> 00:03:01.219
I didn't even know.
- Yeah, get undressed.

00:03:01.219 --> 00:03:02.769
Perfect.

00:03:02.769 --> 00:03:03.619
- Okay.

00:03:03.619 --> 00:03:05.196
Candice and Rick, this is for you.

00:03:05.196 --> 00:03:09.796
You are some couple, and
I wish you all the best.

00:03:09.796 --> 00:03:10.892
- All right, thank you.

00:03:10.892 --> 00:03:13.475
Give me a kiss.

00:03:13.475 --> 00:03:14.308
All right.

00:03:14.308 --> 00:03:15.541
- So, what's your name?
- Steve.

00:03:15.541 --> 00:03:17.609
- I never kissed a man
whose name I didn't know.

00:03:17.609 --> 00:03:18.669
- Really?

00:03:18.669 --> 00:03:19.669
- It's terrible, we did it ass backwards!

00:03:19.669 --> 00:03:23.605
- I wish I could say the
same thing (laughing)

00:03:23.605 --> 00:03:25.766
Oh I guess it's out of the bag now.

00:03:25.766 --> 00:03:26.805
(laughing)

00:03:26.805 --> 00:03:29.956
Eccentric, maybe, yeah, I'm a little odd.

00:03:29.956 --> 00:03:32.705
Maybe I'm too outspoken,
yeah people get frightened

00:03:32.705 --> 00:03:34.968
by the totally open personality,

00:03:34.968 --> 00:03:36.230
they never know what to make of it

00:03:36.230 --> 00:03:38.279
because they're afraid to be open because

00:03:38.279 --> 00:03:40.406
of whatever happened, you know?

00:03:40.406 --> 00:03:41.239
Who knows?

00:03:41.239 --> 00:03:44.989
But I don't border on
insanity on any level.

00:03:48.092 --> 00:03:49.418
These are pictures that you took

00:03:49.418 --> 00:03:53.585
of me floating in the pool
on a sunny, sunny afternoon.

00:03:56.656 --> 00:03:59.639
When I was younger, I had gorgeous hair.

00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:01.592
Guys would come up and touch my hair.

00:04:01.592 --> 00:04:03.742
It was like another feature about me

00:04:03.742 --> 00:04:08.182
that made me appealing and
attractive up until my 30s,

00:04:08.182 --> 00:04:12.349
but then it went away, and
what you have now is this,

00:04:13.482 --> 00:04:16.045
(laughing) that I don't like looking at.

00:04:16.045 --> 00:04:17.982
We call this the hamburger head.

00:04:17.982 --> 00:04:20.045
I used to make fun of a guy who had this,

00:04:20.045 --> 00:04:22.878
and now I have it, this bald head.

00:04:24.009 --> 00:04:27.246
You know, it's a narcissistic thing.

00:04:27.246 --> 00:04:28.079
We're getting older,

00:04:28.079 --> 00:04:31.514
we don't want to be
reminded that we're older.

00:04:31.514 --> 00:04:34.538
(metal chiming)

00:04:34.538 --> 00:04:36.902
I think it's natural in the aging process

00:04:36.902 --> 00:04:40.602
that I had my day in the sun, I had it.

00:04:40.602 --> 00:04:44.769
I had more than most people
would had in three lifetimes.

00:04:45.852 --> 00:04:49.365
In those days, the '70s,
sex was everywhere.

00:04:49.365 --> 00:04:51.615
It was everywhere you went.

00:04:54.200 --> 00:04:56.950
(loud thudding)

00:04:58.890 --> 00:05:01.303
Things are different now.

00:05:01.303 --> 00:05:05.470
(gentle instrumental music)
(leaves rustling)

00:05:30.588 --> 00:05:31.421
I love being busy,

00:05:31.421 --> 00:05:33.580
I love doing more than
one thing at a time,

00:05:33.580 --> 00:05:36.557
and I want to be in life
as much as possible.

00:05:36.557 --> 00:05:37.809
There's no one else to do it for me,

00:05:37.809 --> 00:05:39.892
so I have to keep moving.

00:06:12.161 --> 00:06:14.911
(metal jingling)

00:06:36.159 --> 00:06:37.194
Aside from the pictures

00:06:37.194 --> 00:06:38.624
and a couple of things that I bought,

00:06:38.624 --> 00:06:41.084
everything in this house was from Flint,

00:06:41.084 --> 00:06:44.251
things he collected.

00:07:05.688 --> 00:07:09.855
This is Flint, Flint Harrison,
my lover of nine years.

00:07:10.837 --> 00:07:12.597
The only lover.

00:07:12.597 --> 00:07:15.347
We met in Griffith Park in 1971.

00:07:17.087 --> 00:07:19.122
He gave me his card, and I said,

00:07:19.122 --> 00:07:20.514
"I'm never going to see this guy again,"

00:07:20.514 --> 00:07:22.587
and threw his card away.

00:07:22.587 --> 00:07:24.387
Eight years later I was up in LA

00:07:24.387 --> 00:07:25.750
around midnight on a Sunday night,

00:07:25.750 --> 00:07:26.724
one o'clock in the morning,

00:07:26.724 --> 00:07:29.037
and I went to where the
guys used to cruise around

00:07:29.037 --> 00:07:33.204
and there he was, sitting
on the fender of his pickup.

00:07:34.377 --> 00:07:36.851
Years later, he told me
that he saw me walking

00:07:36.851 --> 00:07:39.714
and he sped up so he
could get out of the car

00:07:39.714 --> 00:07:44.527
and (laughing) be there waiting.

00:07:44.527 --> 00:07:47.077
He saw me walking, jumped out of the car,

00:07:47.077 --> 00:07:50.575
and sat on the fender
so I could stroll by.

00:07:50.575 --> 00:07:52.664
He set that up.

00:07:52.664 --> 00:07:55.107
We had our little tryst and
when we came out of the tryst,

00:07:55.107 --> 00:07:56.517
he put his arm across my shoulder

00:07:56.517 --> 00:07:57.867
and said, "I'd like to get to know you."

00:07:57.867 --> 00:08:01.444
I started dating him for
eight months and one day,

00:08:01.444 --> 00:08:02.670
I said, myy stuff's up there,

00:08:02.670 --> 00:08:03.503
and I'm sleeping here every night,

00:08:03.503 --> 00:08:05.471
I really don't feel like
I know where I belong.

00:08:05.471 --> 00:08:06.957
He said, "Well just
bring your things here,"

00:08:06.957 --> 00:08:07.877
and that was it.

00:08:07.877 --> 00:08:10.757
That's how I got him to invite me in.

00:08:10.757 --> 00:08:13.294
That was the house in
Orlando in West Hollywood,

00:08:13.294 --> 00:08:15.106
where we had the most wonderful,

00:08:15.106 --> 00:08:17.115
that was where the love nest was.

00:08:17.115 --> 00:08:18.617
That's where all the fun took place,

00:08:18.617 --> 00:08:22.282
all the romance, all the beautiful, sweet,

00:08:22.282 --> 00:08:24.604
little things that people
do when they're totally

00:08:24.604 --> 00:08:26.541
in love with each other.

00:08:26.541 --> 00:08:28.667
It was more than sex, it was everything.

00:08:28.667 --> 00:08:29.531
The sense of humor,

00:08:29.531 --> 00:08:33.194
the way he taught me how to
appreciate beautiful things.

00:08:33.194 --> 00:08:34.967
He just opened this whole new life,

00:08:34.967 --> 00:08:39.812
this high end culture that
was totally foreign to me.

00:08:39.812 --> 00:08:43.479
(gentle instrumental music)

00:08:46.944 --> 00:08:48.779
I mean, he was fantastic.

00:08:48.779 --> 00:08:52.946
He was everything I never
dreamed I wanted, okay?

00:08:54.462 --> 00:08:56.795
He made my life really easy,

00:08:58.315 --> 00:09:00.841
and all that mattered was
that we were together.

00:09:00.841 --> 00:09:03.279
We did everything together.

00:09:03.279 --> 00:09:05.429
You know, lifestyle, candles
burning all the time,

00:09:05.429 --> 00:09:07.929
and wine and it was wonderful.

00:09:08.890 --> 00:09:13.169
He gave me this beautiful,
sweet life and he adored me,

00:09:13.169 --> 00:09:15.132
and the look on his face
when I come up the walk

00:09:15.132 --> 00:09:17.355
and he'd be sitting on the front porch

00:09:17.355 --> 00:09:19.005
with a smile on his face,

00:09:19.005 --> 00:09:21.857
and the little baby
names he would call me.

00:09:21.857 --> 00:09:26.024
(laughing) Babyman.

00:09:27.310 --> 00:09:29.513
Makes me cry thinking about it.

00:09:29.513 --> 00:09:32.846
But Trigger was the one I really liked.

00:09:34.800 --> 00:09:37.303
He would say, "Come on, we're
going to the flower market."

00:09:37.303 --> 00:09:39.177
I'd go, "Flint, it's
three in the morning."

00:09:39.177 --> 00:09:40.830
"So what, it's when they're open."

00:09:40.830 --> 00:09:43.293
He'd drag me out of bed and
we'd run to the flower market,

00:09:43.293 --> 00:09:44.727
buy orchids and stuff.

00:09:44.727 --> 00:09:46.180
He wanted me to look beautiful.

00:09:46.180 --> 00:09:47.653
He gave me an American Express card,

00:09:47.653 --> 00:09:48.592
he gave me a Shell card,

00:09:48.592 --> 00:09:51.759
he gave me that El Dorado convertible.

00:09:55.291 --> 00:09:58.114
We took several nice trips.

00:09:58.114 --> 00:09:59.947
He took me to Europe.

00:10:12.600 --> 00:10:16.767
And when I kissed him, it
was like something changed.

00:10:18.276 --> 00:10:21.943
My life without him has
never been the same,

00:10:21.943 --> 00:10:24.156
I will tell you.

00:10:24.156 --> 00:10:26.266
It has never been the same.

00:10:26.266 --> 00:10:28.266
That guy was one in a trillion.

00:10:28.266 --> 00:10:31.893
He was handsome, he was sexy,
he was smart, he was funny,

00:10:31.893 --> 00:10:34.806
he was generous, kind, loving, devoted.

00:10:34.806 --> 00:10:38.223
I mean, and I was attracted to him.

00:10:39.380 --> 00:10:40.843
You know, in gay life,

00:10:40.843 --> 00:10:43.856
everybody expresses their
sexuality differently

00:10:43.856 --> 00:10:45.130
and everyone's got a different form

00:10:45.130 --> 00:10:47.356
of expressing their sexuality.

00:10:47.356 --> 00:10:50.606
You have to line up
with what turns you on,

00:10:50.606 --> 00:10:52.206
with what turns them on,

00:10:52.206 --> 00:10:55.373
and then hope everything else matches.

00:10:57.770 --> 00:11:00.270
Whether I would like Flint today?

00:11:00.270 --> 00:11:02.146
I pleaded with him to
stop eating the meat,

00:11:02.146 --> 00:11:04.120
I pleaded with him to change his diet.

00:11:04.120 --> 00:11:06.105
I pleaded with him to start exercising.

00:11:06.105 --> 00:11:07.919
He wouldn't change.

00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:12.380
Who knows, if I would meet
him today, if he'd be the one?

00:11:12.380 --> 00:11:13.943
You know what I mean?

00:11:13.943 --> 00:11:16.495
I don't think I could
live with a meat eater.

00:11:16.495 --> 00:11:19.183
I don't want that
mentality sleeping with me.

00:11:19.183 --> 00:11:21.633
I don't mind with people,
I don't judge people,

00:11:21.633 --> 00:11:25.718
and all of my friends except
a handful eat animals.

00:11:25.718 --> 00:11:27.606
I can't not be friends
with these people just

00:11:27.606 --> 00:11:30.770
because in my opinion, they
haven't evolved enough.

00:11:30.770 --> 00:11:33.603
Because I think it's an evolution.

00:11:34.640 --> 00:11:38.307
(somber instrumental music)

00:11:49.588 --> 00:11:51.850
My parents didn't know how to handle me.

00:11:51.850 --> 00:11:53.949
I wasn't a bad child, I was just,

00:11:53.949 --> 00:11:56.366
I liked to get the attention.

00:11:57.418 --> 00:11:59.347
If my teachers did things I didn't like,

00:11:59.347 --> 00:12:02.388
I knew how to make them very mad.

00:12:02.388 --> 00:12:03.886
Very mad.

00:12:03.886 --> 00:12:05.178
You know, I got kicked out of everything

00:12:05.178 --> 00:12:08.076
since I was three years old,
starting with the supermarket,

00:12:08.076 --> 00:12:10.729
then nursery school, then kindergarten,

00:12:10.729 --> 00:12:14.067
then the third grade, then the
garden club in sixth grade,

00:12:14.067 --> 00:12:16.809
and even Hebrew school.

00:12:16.809 --> 00:12:18.939
I asked so many questions
at the first little meeting,

00:12:18.939 --> 00:12:21.244
she said, "You're out before you're in,"

00:12:21.244 --> 00:12:23.661
and that was the end of that.

00:12:34.831 --> 00:12:37.931
I was very hyper and very.
- They didn't have medication

00:12:37.931 --> 00:12:38.873
in those day?
- I did,

00:12:38.873 --> 00:12:40.661
I used to take some kind of extract,

00:12:40.661 --> 00:12:42.917
this green medicine to
try to calm me down.

00:12:42.917 --> 00:12:44.606
It never really worked.

00:12:44.606 --> 00:12:48.432
I was just one of those kids
that couldn't be stopped,

00:12:48.432 --> 00:12:51.682
and was irreverent at a very young age.

00:12:52.814 --> 00:12:55.647
My mother just gave up, basically.

00:12:56.677 --> 00:13:00.409
In kindergarten, Ms. Gosh put
me out in the hall one day

00:13:00.409 --> 00:13:02.497
and had my face in the corner.

00:13:02.497 --> 00:13:05.270
You know, the doorway, and
she had my face in the corner

00:13:05.270 --> 00:13:08.645
where the doors jammed at the wall.

00:13:08.645 --> 00:13:10.632
I can hear, "Oh, Stone's
out in the hall again,

00:13:10.632 --> 00:13:11.465
"there he is."

00:13:11.465 --> 00:13:12.431
They're all making fun of me,

00:13:12.431 --> 00:13:13.663
laughing because I'm in hall,

00:13:13.663 --> 00:13:15.504
standing with my nose in the corner

00:13:15.504 --> 00:13:18.285
which was very humiliating.

00:13:18.285 --> 00:13:20.446
She says, "Okay Steven,
you can come in now."

00:13:20.446 --> 00:13:23.714
She sits me down on little
mats and she's reading a story.

00:13:23.714 --> 00:13:25.090
I was really pissed at her,

00:13:25.090 --> 00:13:27.120
so as soon as she starts reading,

00:13:27.120 --> 00:13:28.717
my hand goes up in the air and she goes,

00:13:28.717 --> 00:13:29.846
"What is it, Steven?"

00:13:29.846 --> 00:13:34.038
I go, "Ms. Gosh, can I
go back out in the hall?

00:13:34.038 --> 00:13:36.514
"I liked it better out there, and besides,

00:13:36.514 --> 00:13:39.041
"I've already heard the
story you're reading."

00:13:39.041 --> 00:13:41.582
She grabbed me by the
shoulders and she shook me

00:13:41.582 --> 00:13:43.822
and shook me and shook me and
my head's flying all over.

00:13:43.822 --> 00:13:45.780
I mean she would have been arrested today.

00:13:45.780 --> 00:13:48.054
But I was five years old, I
made her infuriated at five.

00:13:48.054 --> 00:13:50.280
She told my mother I was the only student

00:13:50.280 --> 00:13:53.197
that ever made her lose her temper.

00:13:55.514 --> 00:13:59.529
I still have that
self-centered nature that I,

00:13:59.529 --> 00:14:02.246
it's part of the shadow,
I'm trying to watch it,

00:14:02.246 --> 00:14:07.103
but I'm entertaining at the
same time, so it flies okay.

00:14:07.103 --> 00:14:09.492
I'm not self-centered
in a way I don't think

00:14:09.492 --> 00:14:12.613
that's totally self-absorbed,
but I manage to do things

00:14:12.613 --> 00:14:16.867
to keep the energy focused
on me in entertaining others.

00:14:16.867 --> 00:14:21.282
I try to think what it
is about my personality

00:14:21.282 --> 00:14:24.302
that has this ongoing need to be noticed.

00:14:24.302 --> 00:14:25.620
I probably need to get some more therapy

00:14:25.620 --> 00:14:28.537
to get that answer at $145 an hour,

00:14:29.533 --> 00:14:31.192
(laughing) which I can't afford right now.

00:14:31.192 --> 00:14:32.626
- [Roberta] Hi.

00:14:32.626 --> 00:14:34.842
I wondered if you'd be
willing to say a few words

00:14:34.842 --> 00:14:37.093
about your neighbor, Steve.

00:14:37.093 --> 00:14:38.612
- Yeah, Steve Stone.

00:14:38.612 --> 00:14:39.745
- Steve Stone.

00:14:39.745 --> 00:14:41.359
- It's kind of refreshing to have someone

00:14:41.359 --> 00:14:44.434
in the neighborhood that's
a little bit unorthodox

00:14:44.434 --> 00:14:47.113
in a way and really very present

00:14:47.113 --> 00:14:50.446
and very kind of provocative in a sense.

00:14:52.695 --> 00:14:54.832
I think some people don't understand Steve

00:14:54.832 --> 00:14:58.861
because he doesn't look for
the kind of comfort level

00:14:58.861 --> 00:15:01.212
that a lot of people seek.

00:15:01.212 --> 00:15:04.620
He looks for kind of the excitement level.

00:15:04.620 --> 00:15:07.710
- The first word that comes to
mind is Steven's exuberance.

00:15:07.710 --> 00:15:11.348
I think he demonstrates life's exuberance

00:15:11.348 --> 00:15:14.696
pretty much more than anyone else I know.

00:15:14.696 --> 00:15:17.976
Another side of Steven
that I embrace fondly is

00:15:17.976 --> 00:15:20.393
his nine-year-old brattiness.

00:15:21.312 --> 00:15:22.472
Steve went with me

00:15:22.472 --> 00:15:27.385
in my very Christian
right-wing brother and family,

00:15:27.385 --> 00:15:29.488
and in our lovely meals together,

00:15:29.488 --> 00:15:33.655
he would somehow manage to
just wrangle their values

00:15:36.928 --> 00:15:41.095
in his exuberant way, as only
a nine-year-old brat can do.

00:15:43.335 --> 00:15:44.168
- My parents said,

00:15:44.168 --> 00:15:45.206
"Go out and play with the
kids in the neighborhood."

00:15:45.206 --> 00:15:48.514
The first kid I played with
taught me how to masturbate.

00:15:48.514 --> 00:15:50.297
That's the first kid I
met in the neighborhood.

00:15:50.297 --> 00:15:52.648
It came out that I was
one of the school queers.

00:15:52.648 --> 00:15:54.214
I fell into those mannerisms

00:15:54.214 --> 00:15:57.431
and the entire ninth grade laughed at me.

00:15:57.431 --> 00:16:01.390
It was the most humiliating
experience I ever had,

00:16:01.390 --> 00:16:03.693
and I really felt bad that Judy had to,

00:16:03.693 --> 00:16:05.678
my twin sister Judy witnessed that,

00:16:05.678 --> 00:16:09.845
although she never mentioned
a thing about it ever.

00:16:10.681 --> 00:16:12.564
My sister and I were very close.

00:16:12.564 --> 00:16:14.610
We played well together.

00:16:14.610 --> 00:16:15.771
We'd play house.

00:16:15.771 --> 00:16:17.193
We're very tight today.

00:16:17.193 --> 00:16:22.053
All I have to do is think
about Judy and she'll call me.

00:16:22.053 --> 00:16:23.445
The first day of kindergarten,

00:16:23.445 --> 00:16:26.229
some kid pushed me in the playground,

00:16:26.229 --> 00:16:28.100
and Judy decked him, and she said,

00:16:28.100 --> 00:16:30.749
"You leave my brother alone!"

00:16:30.749 --> 00:16:32.373
Oh yeah, five years old.

00:16:32.373 --> 00:16:33.865
She was very protective.

00:16:33.865 --> 00:16:35.579
Maybe I was little bit
of a sissy then too,

00:16:35.579 --> 00:16:37.662
didn't know how to fight.

00:16:38.614 --> 00:16:43.354
My sister took ballet in
Miami when we were teenagers.

00:16:43.354 --> 00:16:45.551
The guy who ran the school told my mother

00:16:45.551 --> 00:16:47.581
that he needed boys in the class,

00:16:47.581 --> 00:16:51.161
and he wouldn't charge her if she let me.

00:16:51.161 --> 00:16:52.901
I wanted to really badly, I loved it.

00:16:52.901 --> 00:16:54.572
I thought it was the form of expression,

00:16:54.572 --> 00:16:57.240
you know, you were strong and flexible

00:16:57.240 --> 00:16:59.048
and it was an art form.

00:16:59.048 --> 00:17:02.298
Plus, I had a feeling that he was gay.

00:17:04.100 --> 00:17:06.984
My mother said, "Oh no, you
can't do that," she said.

00:17:06.984 --> 00:17:09.768
"Men who do ballet in America
are considered sissies."

00:17:09.768 --> 00:17:14.084
I thought to myself, "Well,"
but I didn't tell her that.

00:17:14.084 --> 00:17:16.435
I didn't get to do the ballet lessons.

00:17:16.435 --> 00:17:19.279
Between that and not letting
me be on the swimming team,

00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:22.481
did a great deal to actually
destroy my motivation

00:17:22.481 --> 00:17:24.716
and my ego, because those
were the only two things

00:17:24.716 --> 00:17:26.966
that I really wanted to do.

00:17:28.006 --> 00:17:31.734
Here I had something I really excelled at.

00:17:31.734 --> 00:17:34.213
My mother didn't know how to accept me

00:17:34.213 --> 00:17:37.213
or try to encourage the good things.

00:17:38.083 --> 00:17:41.231
My dad wanted me to have some
sort of athletic inclination.

00:17:41.231 --> 00:17:43.102
I could have been a Mark Spitz, who knew?

00:17:43.102 --> 00:17:44.756
I was a really good swimmer then,

00:17:44.756 --> 00:17:49.505
and my mother refused to
let me participate in that.

00:17:49.505 --> 00:17:51.233
- [Roberta] Why wouldn't she let you swim?

00:17:51.233 --> 00:17:54.393
- Well, in 10th grade
Math, we had this teacher,

00:17:54.393 --> 00:17:56.261
he has the nerve to tell my mother

00:17:56.261 --> 00:18:00.437
that I'm the ringleader of the
immoral group in the class.

00:18:00.437 --> 00:18:02.687
So she said, "You're done
with the swimming team,"

00:18:02.687 --> 00:18:03.657
and that was it.

00:18:03.657 --> 00:18:05.282
She never let me swim.

00:18:05.282 --> 00:18:09.156
I swim better today now than I ever swam.

00:18:09.156 --> 00:18:12.984
A half hour four times
a week in the fast lane,

00:18:12.984 --> 00:18:16.901
50 laps of a 25-meter
pool in under 30 minutes,

00:18:18.595 --> 00:18:19.724
which is good time.

00:18:19.724 --> 00:18:21.974
It's not the best, but for a guy of 64.

00:18:21.974 --> 00:18:24.395
- [Roberta] Was your mother
affectionate with you?

00:18:24.395 --> 00:18:26.046
- My mother hugged me all the time.

00:18:26.046 --> 00:18:27.933
My parents were very affectionate.

00:18:27.933 --> 00:18:30.206
They just didn't know how to deal with me.

00:18:30.206 --> 00:18:33.733
Up until the time when I
became sexually active,

00:18:33.733 --> 00:18:35.662
my mother didn't know
how to deal with that.

00:18:35.662 --> 00:18:38.574
She found a condom, "Steve!"

00:18:38.574 --> 00:18:41.172
I had to say to my
mother, "Be adult, Mom."

00:18:41.172 --> 00:18:42.754
This is when I'm 17.

00:18:42.754 --> 00:18:44.567
"Be adult, Mom."

00:18:44.567 --> 00:18:46.187
That was my mother, I
couldn't play with girls

00:18:46.187 --> 00:18:47.393
and I couldn't play with boys.

00:18:47.393 --> 00:18:49.760
What does she want me, who
was I going to play with?

00:18:49.760 --> 00:18:52.312
My hamster, for God's sake?

00:18:52.312 --> 00:18:54.690
This gorgeous Catholic girl
wanted to go out with me.

00:18:54.690 --> 00:18:56.720
I was going to get laid for sure.

00:18:56.720 --> 00:19:01.360
My mother wouldn't give me the
car because she was Catholic.

00:19:01.360 --> 00:19:02.746
For God's sakes.

00:19:02.746 --> 00:19:05.544
She was in show business in the ‘20s!

00:19:05.544 --> 00:19:08.592
Prohibition, my father by 16,
he was playing at speakeasies,

00:19:08.592 --> 00:19:11.814
you'd think they would have
had more of a liberal attitude.

00:19:11.814 --> 00:19:13.814
What happens to people?

00:19:16.688 --> 00:19:18.721
When she was dying of cancer,

00:19:18.721 --> 00:19:21.679
my sisters could not handle
taking care of my mother.

00:19:21.679 --> 00:19:23.883
So I stayed home and I ironed and cooked

00:19:23.883 --> 00:19:26.389
and I made the meals for us,
and took care of my mother,

00:19:26.389 --> 00:19:27.622
I was there all day.

00:19:27.622 --> 00:19:30.047
When someone called one night,
I picked up the extension,

00:19:30.047 --> 00:19:32.139
he says, "How are the kids, Janette?"

00:19:32.139 --> 00:19:35.788
All she said was, "Well
Steve's a disappointment,"

00:19:35.788 --> 00:19:37.529
and I'm the one taking care of her.

00:19:37.529 --> 00:19:38.514
She screamed at me once,

00:19:38.514 --> 00:19:41.878
"Your father had to die
and leave me with you."

00:19:41.878 --> 00:19:43.661
The thing is I got my ego back.

00:19:43.661 --> 00:19:44.678
I got it back.

00:19:44.678 --> 00:19:46.372
I got through high school,

00:19:46.372 --> 00:19:47.969
I didn't have too many incidents

00:19:47.969 --> 00:19:49.245
when I got into high school.

00:19:49.245 --> 00:19:52.234
I had some really great
friends, and I left.

00:19:52.234 --> 00:19:55.901
(gentle instrumental music)

00:19:59.210 --> 00:20:01.049
I went to gay bars.

00:20:01.049 --> 00:20:02.278
When you're around where you live,

00:20:02.278 --> 00:20:03.404
it's a whole different feeling.

00:20:03.404 --> 00:20:06.043
It's easier to be in an
environment where nobody knows you,

00:20:06.043 --> 00:20:07.871
to get away from the prejudices

00:20:07.871 --> 00:20:09.697
and the narrow minded thinking.

00:20:09.697 --> 00:20:11.815
I had colitis, it kept me out of the army.

00:20:11.815 --> 00:20:15.847
I had a spastic colon, I was
taking Deracon, Colase, Valium,

00:20:15.847 --> 00:20:19.281
Librium, mineral oil,
and Metamucil everyday.

00:20:19.281 --> 00:20:20.131
I was a nervous wreck

00:20:20.131 --> 00:20:23.999
because I was internalizing my sexuality.

00:20:23.999 --> 00:20:25.420
I was so uptight about it.

00:20:25.420 --> 00:20:28.900
I was blinking and twitching,
and I was always doing all,

00:20:28.900 --> 00:20:29.835
I was a mess.

00:20:29.835 --> 00:20:31.783
Most of them have gone
away except the little tick

00:20:31.783 --> 00:20:34.803
in the eye every now and then
when I get kind of excited.

00:20:34.803 --> 00:20:36.035
I'm really pissed.

00:20:36.035 --> 00:20:37.123
I come in there all the time,

00:20:37.123 --> 00:20:38.184
just what I need is to get home

00:20:38.184 --> 00:20:41.016
and not have the one thing
I went to the store for.

00:20:41.016 --> 00:20:41.995
The one thing.

00:20:41.995 --> 00:20:45.094
That was why I came in,
it was for this chocolate.

00:20:45.094 --> 00:20:46.899
Right.

00:20:46.899 --> 00:20:47.902
Well.

00:20:47.902 --> 00:20:48.750
Do I get mad?

00:20:48.750 --> 00:20:50.302
I sure do.

00:20:50.302 --> 00:20:53.261
I can feel it now more
than ever when I'm mad,

00:20:53.261 --> 00:20:57.462
but it's just hard to
stop once your steamed up.

00:20:57.462 --> 00:20:58.972
I came there for a specific reason.

00:20:58.972 --> 00:21:01.639
I'm really upset.

00:21:03.702 --> 00:21:06.121
Hello.

00:21:06.121 --> 00:21:07.926
Hi Buzz, how is the good boy?

00:21:07.926 --> 00:21:11.426
You a good boy?

00:21:17.370 --> 00:21:19.370
I get no preservatives.

00:21:20.460 --> 00:21:22.103
They didn't have any organic,

00:21:22.103 --> 00:21:25.561
but I guess no preservatives
is as close to organic

00:21:25.561 --> 00:21:28.228
as you can get.

00:21:29.604 --> 00:21:31.073
So I cook this up with water

00:21:31.073 --> 00:21:34.333
and I get this chicken broth flavor,

00:21:34.333 --> 00:21:38.250
and I use that in his
kibble for days and days.

00:21:40.564 --> 00:21:42.023
Hi baby, I love you.

00:21:42.023 --> 00:21:42.856
I love you.

00:21:42.856 --> 00:21:43.820
Of course I love you.

00:21:43.820 --> 00:21:45.703
You love me too, Buzz.

00:21:45.703 --> 00:21:47.804
- [Roberta] How long have
you had Buzz altogether?

00:21:47.804 --> 00:21:49.343
- [Steve] I don't know.

00:21:49.343 --> 00:21:51.831
Six years, eight years?

00:21:51.831 --> 00:21:53.036
More like eight.

00:21:53.036 --> 00:21:57.203
- [Roberta] What a lucky strike
that was for you, Buzzy boy.

00:21:58.964 --> 00:22:03.276
You found a dog lover.

00:22:03.276 --> 00:22:07.567
- Bella and Edith were
rescues of about 14 years ago.

00:22:07.567 --> 00:22:12.363
They were my two dogs for a
long time until Buzz came along.

00:22:12.363 --> 00:22:15.676
Bella was hit and run, leg was smashed,

00:22:15.676 --> 00:22:19.315
and Edith was brought
in from a rescue person.

00:22:19.315 --> 00:22:20.895
I had him about 13 years,

00:22:20.895 --> 00:22:24.415
and Edith got lymphoma
and then one day she fell

00:22:24.415 --> 00:22:27.968
in the pool, and then I
decided that was the end.

00:22:27.968 --> 00:22:30.476
I wanted her name read in Temple,

00:22:30.476 --> 00:22:32.156
and I called up for a Friday night,

00:22:32.156 --> 00:22:34.495
and I said, "My dog died
and I'd like to know

00:22:34.495 --> 00:22:35.926
"if you can mention her name."

00:22:35.926 --> 00:22:37.623
The girl on the phone said,

00:22:37.623 --> 00:22:38.983
"Well, I don't think
it's really appropriate

00:22:38.983 --> 00:22:41.003
"if we named dogs."

00:22:41.003 --> 00:22:43.223
I said okay and I hung up.

00:22:43.223 --> 00:22:44.791
I called back the next day

00:22:44.791 --> 00:22:47.124
and I said that my aunt died

00:22:48.103 --> 00:22:51.127
and I'd like her name read
in Temple and they said okay.

00:22:51.127 --> 00:22:54.551
I said her name is Edith Schleifstein.

00:22:54.551 --> 00:22:56.223
That was my family name
before it was changed

00:22:56.223 --> 00:22:58.692
to Stone in 1933.

00:22:58.692 --> 00:23:01.263
So, I got her name read at Temple.

00:23:01.263 --> 00:23:03.770
I was there and stood up and said Kaddish.

00:23:03.770 --> 00:23:07.074
When Bella died four months
later, I did the same thing.

00:23:07.074 --> 00:23:09.623
My other aunt, Bella Schleifstein.

00:23:09.623 --> 00:23:11.274
I was just a mess.

00:23:11.274 --> 00:23:14.583
I had Buzz, he was here, thank goodness.

00:23:14.583 --> 00:23:18.666
But that's life with dogs,
you have to accept it.

00:23:21.860 --> 00:23:24.869
In the relationship that we have had,

00:23:24.869 --> 00:23:27.410
we still have, it's just different.

00:23:27.410 --> 00:23:30.577
He taught me how to love and be loved.

00:23:32.196 --> 00:23:35.247
We were driving down Santa
Monica Boulevard once

00:23:35.247 --> 00:23:37.728
and we saw these two old
guys walking together.

00:23:37.728 --> 00:23:39.819
He said, "That's going to be us one day,"

00:23:39.819 --> 00:23:44.408
and a little voice said to
me, "That's not gonna happen."

00:23:44.408 --> 00:23:47.908
I knew that something was going to happen.

00:23:51.557 --> 00:23:54.709
Didn't know what.

00:23:54.709 --> 00:23:57.179
I had the feeling that whatever we had,

00:23:57.179 --> 00:23:58.799
something was going to happen.

00:23:58.799 --> 00:24:01.469
We were not gonna grow old together.

00:24:01.469 --> 00:24:03.739
- [Roberta] What happened?

00:24:03.739 --> 00:24:06.099
- He got AIDS and died.

00:24:06.099 --> 00:24:10.074
Woke up one night he had night sweats,

00:24:10.074 --> 00:24:11.939
and I covered him in bath sheets,

00:24:11.939 --> 00:24:16.106
and I went downstairs and
put my head in a dishtowel,

00:24:20.037 --> 00:24:23.787
and realized that he
wasn't going to make it.

00:24:27.059 --> 00:24:30.557
I did everything I
could to keep him alive.

00:24:30.557 --> 00:24:32.699
I fed him living foods in the hospital,

00:24:32.699 --> 00:24:35.337
and he was healthier in the hospital

00:24:35.337 --> 00:24:38.748
than he would have been on their IV stuff.

00:24:38.748 --> 00:24:42.088
He looked good, he had color
in his face, he rested,

00:24:42.088 --> 00:24:44.669
he wasn't in pain, he
was in good condition

00:24:44.669 --> 00:24:48.836
for a guy that was dying (laughing).

00:24:49.979 --> 00:24:51.299
If that makes any sense.

00:24:51.299 --> 00:24:54.299
I did everything I
could to keep him alive.

00:24:54.299 --> 00:24:57.669
What happened was, all the
things I found out for him,

00:24:57.669 --> 00:25:01.448
I do today for myself, as if
I was sick, which I'm not.

00:25:01.448 --> 00:25:02.709
I'm HIV-negative.

00:25:02.709 --> 00:25:06.928
I grow wheat grass and I drink
the Rejuvelac enzyme water,

00:25:06.928 --> 00:25:08.431
I make the blended nourishment

00:25:08.431 --> 00:25:10.004
to reinforce the immune system

00:25:10.004 --> 00:25:12.158
and keep it strong with high vitality.

00:25:12.158 --> 00:25:13.578
I know this secret.

00:25:13.578 --> 00:25:15.947
It's a secret that's available

00:25:15.947 --> 00:25:20.763
but most people don't really
want to know about it.

00:25:20.763 --> 00:25:24.430
(gentle instrumental music)

00:25:30.627 --> 00:25:33.877
It'll be 21 years on January the 11th.

00:25:35.092 --> 00:25:37.043
Died upstairs.

00:25:37.043 --> 00:25:38.381
Not easy.

00:25:38.381 --> 00:25:41.064
Well he drops in, I get to
see him every now and then.

00:25:41.064 --> 00:25:43.715
Whenever it happens, I wake up feeling

00:25:43.715 --> 00:25:47.693
that I just had an
opportunity to see him again,

00:25:47.693 --> 00:25:49.664
if only in the dream.

00:25:49.664 --> 00:25:52.160
I had a series of three
where in one dream,

00:25:52.160 --> 00:25:54.213
we were in the house and I said to him,

00:25:54.213 --> 00:25:56.763
"When are you coming home?"

00:25:56.763 --> 00:25:59.944
And he goes.

00:25:59.944 --> 00:26:02.045
And the second night, he was there,

00:26:02.045 --> 00:26:05.795
and I said, "Aren't you
coming home for dinner?"

00:26:05.795 --> 00:26:08.157
He said, "I have to go soon."

00:26:08.157 --> 00:26:09.895
The third night, it was a dream

00:26:09.895 --> 00:26:11.765
where he's walking up a narrow staircase

00:26:11.765 --> 00:26:14.866
with his hands behind
him, and I'm holding on

00:26:14.866 --> 00:26:17.063
and we're walking up the staircase,

00:26:17.063 --> 00:26:20.655
and I start sobbing and I say,
"You've got to stop this."

00:26:20.655 --> 00:26:24.233
We get up to this platform,
and that's when I let go.

00:26:24.233 --> 00:26:28.245
He walked off into this
orange and white mist

00:26:28.245 --> 00:26:30.797
and just walked away.

00:26:30.797 --> 00:26:32.546
It's very sweet.

00:26:32.546 --> 00:26:35.046
Very sweet.

00:26:36.045 --> 00:26:39.607
I had a vegetarian nurse here with me

00:26:39.607 --> 00:26:43.165
when Flint was very sick and dying.

00:26:43.165 --> 00:26:45.818
She started talking about factory farms.

00:26:45.818 --> 00:26:48.722
I never heard of a factory farm.

00:26:48.722 --> 00:26:50.465
Once I became aware of what goes on

00:26:50.465 --> 00:26:53.365
with these animals on these farms,

00:26:53.365 --> 00:26:54.626
from the time they're born

00:26:54.626 --> 00:26:57.077
til the time their throats are cut,

00:26:57.077 --> 00:26:59.295
I could no longer eat animals.

00:26:59.295 --> 00:27:01.695
Just on that level.

00:27:01.695 --> 00:27:05.434
Regardless of the environmental
impact and the moral issue

00:27:05.434 --> 00:27:07.046
which is what I'm concerned with,

00:27:07.046 --> 00:27:10.324
and the health issue with
antibiotics and steroids

00:27:10.324 --> 00:27:12.142
and herbicides and pesticides,

00:27:12.142 --> 00:27:14.438
and the spiritual side,
because you're eating flesh

00:27:14.438 --> 00:27:16.622
that has been tortured and brutalized

00:27:16.622 --> 00:27:19.801
and wracked with fear its whole life,

00:27:19.801 --> 00:27:22.924
so those energies on an
ethereal level are in the flesh

00:27:22.924 --> 00:27:24.576
that people are eating.

00:27:24.576 --> 00:27:27.086
That has to get into their
system and on a subtle level,

00:27:27.086 --> 00:27:30.669
that's what I think
helps promote violence.

00:27:35.122 --> 00:27:39.205
Right, Buzz?

00:27:43.055 --> 00:27:47.148
The house that Flint
bought for us in 1988,

00:27:47.148 --> 00:27:48.959
he died shortly thereafter,

00:27:48.959 --> 00:27:53.269
is filled with beautiful
things in every room.

00:27:53.269 --> 00:27:57.903
Chinese, Japanese, mostly
of the Asian Oriental flavor

00:27:57.903 --> 00:27:59.845
because that's what he liked.

00:27:59.845 --> 00:28:02.245
Our furniture really has that influence,

00:28:02.245 --> 00:28:04.453
with grass cloths from the Philippines,

00:28:04.453 --> 00:28:08.184
and the bamboos and reeds,
he loved that stuff.

00:28:08.184 --> 00:28:11.521
When he died, he gave me this
beautiful furniture company

00:28:11.521 --> 00:28:13.093
with a wonderful reputation.

00:28:13.093 --> 00:28:17.055
So, I became a different person overnight.

00:28:17.055 --> 00:28:18.719
I moved to California in '71

00:28:18.719 --> 00:28:21.829
to buy a radio station and
that deal didn't happen.

00:28:21.829 --> 00:28:22.895
Then we tried another thing

00:28:22.895 --> 00:28:26.182
with the foreground music
service and that didn't happen.

00:28:26.182 --> 00:28:27.852
Then I started my little closet business

00:28:27.852 --> 00:28:29.327
and that didn't happen.

00:28:29.327 --> 00:28:33.206
Now, with the opportunity
that I was given,

00:28:33.206 --> 00:28:36.911
you know, I walked in to a
business with 22 employees.

00:28:36.911 --> 00:28:40.680
They didn't let me do
anything, I was this boss.

00:28:40.680 --> 00:28:44.124
Instead of being the lover, boyfriend,

00:28:44.124 --> 00:28:46.208
I'm now the one who owns this company.

00:28:46.208 --> 00:28:48.636
Everyone thinks I know
about interior design.

00:28:48.636 --> 00:28:50.019
They think I know about style,

00:28:50.019 --> 00:28:52.956
they think I can answer
all their questions.

00:28:52.956 --> 00:28:54.408
Couldn't answer their questions,

00:28:54.408 --> 00:28:57.741
but now I can, after 21 years, you know.

00:28:59.834 --> 00:29:04.712
That business transformed
me into a businessperson.

00:29:04.712 --> 00:29:07.702
We are at the top of the
high-end custom furniture market.

00:29:07.702 --> 00:29:11.869
Our coffee tables list for
about $6,000 or $7,000.

00:29:15.852 --> 00:29:19.356
All of this hand turning here, see,

00:29:19.356 --> 00:29:21.439
it's totally custom-made.

00:29:26.699 --> 00:29:28.866
Here, have a nice weekend.

00:29:29.892 --> 00:29:32.172
Here you go, thank you.

00:29:32.172 --> 00:29:34.748
John, I won't kiss you,
I'll just give you a check.

00:29:34.748 --> 00:29:37.415
- That'll do.

00:29:38.303 --> 00:29:40.572
- Jorge.

00:29:40.572 --> 00:29:45.384
The financial issues around my
business are always with me.

00:29:45.384 --> 00:29:48.095
I have to worry about loans,
I have to worry about taxes,

00:29:48.095 --> 00:29:49.714
I have to worry about payroll,

00:29:49.714 --> 00:29:51.730
I have to worry about
promoting the business,

00:29:51.730 --> 00:29:54.033
making money, keeping my house.

00:29:54.033 --> 00:29:56.844
This is a daily occurrence with money,

00:29:56.844 --> 00:29:58.642
and anyone in small business in America,

00:29:58.642 --> 00:30:02.085
it's difficult enough, you know?

00:30:02.085 --> 00:30:03.058
In the last four years,

00:30:03.058 --> 00:30:05.615
the sales have never been
consistently high enough,

00:30:05.615 --> 00:30:09.782
so if I have a 60, 70, or
$80,000 a month sale, I'm fine.

00:30:11.007 --> 00:30:14.380
When I drop down to 20
or 30, I'm in trouble.

00:30:14.380 --> 00:30:16.514
If it goes on for a period of months,

00:30:16.514 --> 00:30:18.111
you're deeper in the hole.

00:30:18.111 --> 00:30:20.611
That's how business operates.

00:30:22.514 --> 00:30:24.626
The average person can't really appreciate

00:30:24.626 --> 00:30:29.268
the intense loyalty I
have from these craftsmen.

00:30:29.268 --> 00:30:31.644
I ask their opinion when
I have to do quotes,

00:30:31.644 --> 00:30:34.227
and we work like a family unit.

00:30:37.368 --> 00:30:38.402
There are other businessmen

00:30:38.402 --> 00:30:40.139
who probably would run a tighter ship,

00:30:40.139 --> 00:30:41.426
they would probably make more money,

00:30:41.426 --> 00:30:43.848
but it took me a long time to catch on

00:30:43.848 --> 00:30:46.776
to a lot of things because
I'm basically an airhead

00:30:46.776 --> 00:30:49.345
and money was never important to me.

00:30:49.345 --> 00:30:50.964
You know, I was smoking pot and drinking

00:30:50.964 --> 00:30:52.248
before I got into AA

00:30:52.248 --> 00:30:55.320
and I let the bookkeepers steal $200,000,

00:30:55.320 --> 00:30:58.767
which ended up costing me a
million when I extrapolated all

00:30:58.767 --> 00:31:00.818
that stuff around it that
I had to come up with,

00:31:00.818 --> 00:31:02.319
that he should have
paid, that he didn't pay,

00:31:02.319 --> 00:31:03.745
that he was being paid.

00:31:03.745 --> 00:31:05.487
At that point, I was debt-free.

00:31:05.487 --> 00:31:08.667
My credit score was 803,
I was on top of the world,

00:31:08.667 --> 00:31:10.107
and I tempted the gods.

00:31:10.107 --> 00:31:12.206
I walked to the factory
and I said to my foreman,

00:31:12.206 --> 00:31:14.174
"Well, Juvenal, we're making money,

00:31:14.174 --> 00:31:15.736
"orders are coming out on time,

00:31:15.736 --> 00:31:17.364
"and we've got the office organized.

00:31:17.364 --> 00:31:19.431
"What could possibly screw this up?"

00:31:19.431 --> 00:31:21.914
And a week later, the
place burned to the ground.

00:31:21.914 --> 00:31:23.355
Got an insurance policy,

00:31:23.355 --> 00:31:26.667
and I trusted the agent to give
me what I told him I wanted.

00:31:26.667 --> 00:31:28.103
A year and a half after the policy,

00:31:28.103 --> 00:31:31.060
we had this fire that
was started by a roofer.

00:31:31.060 --> 00:31:32.360
They sued me,

00:31:32.360 --> 00:31:35.635
turn it around so you look like
you were partially at fault.

00:31:35.635 --> 00:31:37.888
I've never written an
insurance policy before,

00:31:37.888 --> 00:31:39.261
I didn't know, I should
have asked somebody.

00:31:39.261 --> 00:31:42.663
I should have asked my lawyer
to read it, I mean, anybody.

00:31:42.663 --> 00:31:45.910
I should have gotten
$212,000, I got $30,000,

00:31:45.910 --> 00:31:47.254
so we're fighting in
court over the difference

00:31:47.254 --> 00:31:48.703
between that now.

00:31:48.703 --> 00:31:51.190
And I'm still in that
hole six years later,

00:31:51.190 --> 00:31:54.740
deeper than I ever thought I'd ever be.

00:31:54.740 --> 00:31:57.789
I'm struggling to keep that business going

00:31:57.789 --> 00:32:00.358
because my relationship with the business

00:32:00.358 --> 00:32:04.533
and with the house keeps
that part of Flint alive.

00:32:04.533 --> 00:32:08.200
(gentle instrumental music)

00:32:09.765 --> 00:32:11.175
The company was his,

00:32:11.175 --> 00:32:12.901
he started it from one table he made

00:32:12.901 --> 00:32:16.395
in his kitchen early in the '70s,

00:32:16.395 --> 00:32:19.812
and the house that he bought for us here.

00:32:20.847 --> 00:32:25.014
So, I am always in a constant
state of this narrow space

00:32:26.057 --> 00:32:28.876
which we call it in Hebrew Mitzrayim

00:32:28.876 --> 00:32:32.402
and it's always, we never know
whether we're here or there.

00:32:32.402 --> 00:32:36.610
There's always the chance that
everything could slip away,

00:32:36.610 --> 00:32:39.269
that I would have to close the business,

00:32:39.269 --> 00:32:41.957
sell the business, lose the business.

00:32:41.957 --> 00:32:44.124
Walk away from the house.

00:32:59.940 --> 00:33:01.628
I'm a member of a congregation

00:33:01.628 --> 00:33:03.356
called Temple of Israel of Hollywood.

00:33:03.356 --> 00:33:05.621
It's a beautiful, Reform congregation,

00:33:05.621 --> 00:33:08.871
I think the oldest in Hollywood, in LA.

00:33:12.609 --> 00:33:16.216
Two years ago, a new canter,
a new chazzan joined us.

00:33:16.216 --> 00:33:18.095
He was a Zen Buddhist for 15 years,

00:33:18.095 --> 00:33:19.865
and then his Zen master said it's time

00:33:19.865 --> 00:33:22.115
to go back to your Judaism.

00:33:28.346 --> 00:33:31.489
He was showing us how
everything we look for

00:33:31.489 --> 00:33:35.656
and all these other outside
beliefs exist in Judaism.

00:33:40.060 --> 00:33:44.227
He said things that changed
my relationship with God,

00:33:45.519 --> 00:33:47.102
who we call HaShem.

00:33:49.769 --> 00:33:52.686
He said how God is always with him.

00:33:58.418 --> 00:34:02.173
Once he said how he feels, and I got it.

00:34:02.173 --> 00:34:05.090
I brought it in to my life as well.

00:34:06.597 --> 00:34:10.597
And I am connected in my
heart with that energy.

00:34:30.588 --> 00:34:32.153
- [Roberta] Well if that's true, Steve,

00:34:32.153 --> 00:34:34.482
why do you have your little fits,

00:34:34.482 --> 00:34:37.362
which you do have from time to time?

00:34:37.362 --> 00:34:39.123
- You mean why do I get angry?

00:34:39.123 --> 00:34:41.599
You know I'm not like
Confucius or the Buddha.

00:34:41.599 --> 00:34:44.047
I don't sit around all
day in a lotus position

00:34:44.047 --> 00:34:45.365
and people bring me fruit.

00:34:45.365 --> 00:34:46.649
I have to go work.

00:34:46.649 --> 00:34:48.928
I have to deal with people
screaming and yelling,

00:34:48.928 --> 00:34:50.897
the political world and my own real world

00:34:50.897 --> 00:34:53.634
with mortgage payments and all this stuff.

00:34:53.634 --> 00:34:56.981
The point is, with all the
pressures and the grief

00:34:56.981 --> 00:35:00.951
and the disappointments and
the loss and difficulties

00:35:00.951 --> 00:35:02.508
in day to day living,

00:35:02.508 --> 00:35:04.348
what holds me together is the fact

00:35:04.348 --> 00:35:08.249
that I know that HaShem
is a part of me now.

00:35:08.249 --> 00:35:10.749
I'm never going to lose that.

00:35:31.275 --> 00:35:34.575
I get a phone call and
I hear, "Steven Stone?"

00:35:34.575 --> 00:35:35.408
I go, "Yes."

00:35:35.408 --> 00:35:39.277
"I am your cousin Roman Rokover
and I want to meet you."

00:35:39.277 --> 00:35:40.661
I said, "Okay."

00:35:40.661 --> 00:35:42.965
Now Roman is from Poland.

00:35:42.965 --> 00:35:47.151
He and his mother and father
escaped before the Nazis,

00:35:47.151 --> 00:35:50.236
he went back looking for
his brother and got caught.

00:35:50.236 --> 00:35:53.858
He spent four and a half
years in a slave labor camp.

00:35:53.858 --> 00:35:57.903
I go meet him, and I figure,
I'm gay, I'm not very Jewish,

00:35:57.903 --> 00:36:00.904
he doesn't accept me,
he's not going to like me.

00:36:00.904 --> 00:36:02.559
He was a little,

00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:04.588
Roman was a little
narrow-minded and opinionated,

00:36:04.588 --> 00:36:09.257
but he kept inviting me over
and stuff and he and his wife.

00:36:09.257 --> 00:36:11.775
He wrote this book on
our family genealogy,

00:36:11.775 --> 00:36:15.100
starting near about 1600 in Krakow.

00:36:15.100 --> 00:36:16.981
He located 700 relatives.

00:36:16.981 --> 00:36:18.639
He's connecting with me,

00:36:18.639 --> 00:36:22.133
his wife dies, I did something
for him at the funeral,

00:36:22.133 --> 00:36:24.252
and I'm sitting in the
back, he comes back, he says

00:36:24.252 --> 00:36:26.501
"Steven, your mishpocha, you
belong up front with us."

00:36:26.501 --> 00:36:29.045
I move to the front
row, he sits next to me,

00:36:29.045 --> 00:36:29.878
I put my arm around him

00:36:29.878 --> 00:36:33.461
and I held him close
for the whole service.

00:36:38.345 --> 00:36:39.941
It was really important.

00:36:39.941 --> 00:36:42.818
It was important for him,
and he told my sisters,

00:36:42.818 --> 00:36:45.085
"Oh, your brother's such a mensch."

00:36:45.085 --> 00:36:49.754
All I did was love him at
that time when his wife died.

00:36:49.754 --> 00:36:53.736
One day, he calls me up and he
says, "Steven, it's Yontiff."

00:36:53.736 --> 00:36:55.333
That means it's Yom Kippur.

00:36:55.333 --> 00:36:57.170
"It's Yontiff, you can come say Yizkor

00:36:57.170 --> 00:36:59.356
"for your parents with me today.

00:36:59.356 --> 00:37:01.996
"They blow the Shofar at seven,
why don't you come at four?"

00:37:01.996 --> 00:37:04.067
I showed up at four.

00:37:04.067 --> 00:37:07.432
The next year, "Why
don't you come at one?"

00:37:07.432 --> 00:37:08.545
I came at one.

00:37:08.545 --> 00:37:11.196
The third year, "Why
don't you come at eleven?"

00:37:11.196 --> 00:37:13.998
Here's this fifth year,
the end of the service,

00:37:13.998 --> 00:37:15.281
they're blessing the children, he says,

00:37:15.281 --> 00:37:17.467
"Come on, Steven, they're
going to bless the children."

00:37:17.467 --> 00:37:20.347
I said, "Roman, I am 52 years old.

00:37:20.347 --> 00:37:23.166
"Don't you think this is a little late?"

00:37:23.166 --> 00:37:24.859
He says, "What's the matter,
you can't be blessed?"

00:37:24.859 --> 00:37:27.883
So, on the way up, I
realize he's walking me

00:37:27.883 --> 00:37:31.263
through all these things
that my parents didn't do.

00:37:31.263 --> 00:37:33.943
He's fulfilling his responsibility

00:37:33.943 --> 00:37:36.350
to bring me back to Judaism.

00:37:36.350 --> 00:37:39.015
We're walking right under
where the rabbi is standing,

00:37:39.015 --> 00:37:42.389
and over my shoulder, I say,
"What's next, my bar mitzvah?"

00:37:42.389 --> 00:37:45.643
There it was, I realized
that in order for me

00:37:45.643 --> 00:37:47.467
to be a Jew in the world,

00:37:47.467 --> 00:37:50.800
I needed to honor the 176 relatives that

00:37:51.848 --> 00:37:54.222
that book mentions were tortured

00:37:54.222 --> 00:37:57.032
and murdered by Hitler in World War II.

00:37:57.032 --> 00:37:59.137
My entire family that was in Poland

00:37:59.137 --> 00:38:01.470
for 350 years was wiped out,

00:38:02.837 --> 00:38:05.666
and I thought I had a
responsibility and obligation

00:38:05.666 --> 00:38:09.246
to honor them and that was when I decided

00:38:09.246 --> 00:38:11.656
to have the bar mitzvah.

00:38:11.656 --> 00:38:16.421
That was in about 1998, and
two and a half years later,

00:38:16.421 --> 00:38:18.169
in the summer of 2000,

00:38:18.169 --> 00:38:19.409
13 of us in the class

00:38:19.409 --> 00:38:23.560
at Temple of Israel of
Hollywood had our bar mitzvah.

00:38:23.560 --> 00:38:25.187
It was sweet.

00:38:25.187 --> 00:38:28.854
(gentle instrumental music)

00:38:51.176 --> 00:38:54.718
They asked us for parking,
how many are you inviting?

00:38:54.718 --> 00:38:56.701
This one says, "I've got three,"

00:38:56.701 --> 00:38:57.635
"I've got 12,"

00:38:57.635 --> 00:38:58.643
"I've got seven."

00:38:58.643 --> 00:39:01.917
When it came to me, I
said, "I have a hundred."

00:39:01.917 --> 00:39:05.328
Because I went to everybody
else's bar mitzvah,

00:39:05.328 --> 00:39:07.578
so they came from all over.

00:39:09.907 --> 00:39:13.475
I do get emotional.

00:39:13.475 --> 00:39:17.308
I finally had a tallis
that I carry to temple.

00:39:18.568 --> 00:39:21.622
I had my reception at the
Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel

00:39:21.622 --> 00:39:24.445
overlooking Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

00:39:24.445 --> 00:39:26.064
Seeing as that I live
on the Hollywood Hills,

00:39:26.064 --> 00:39:27.634
it was just perfect.

00:39:27.634 --> 00:39:29.123
Now who needs to be circumcised?

00:39:29.123 --> 00:39:30.490
I have an extra knife.

00:39:30.490 --> 00:39:33.238
We got a few minutes before the.

00:39:33.238 --> 00:39:35.203
(singing)

00:39:35.203 --> 00:39:36.358
- Today with Steven,

00:39:36.358 --> 00:39:39.394
and celebrate his beautiful bar mitzvah

00:39:39.394 --> 00:39:41.477
at year 54.
- 55 already.

00:39:45.652 --> 00:39:49.819
- He has also self-confidence
where he was lacking before.

00:39:50.739 --> 00:39:52.579
Right?
- Right, okay.

00:39:52.579 --> 00:39:54.726
Now he's on the right way.

00:39:54.726 --> 00:39:59.562
I can stop taking care of him
because can do by himself.

00:39:59.562 --> 00:40:00.893
Thank you.

00:40:00.893 --> 00:40:03.004
(crowd clapping)

00:40:03.004 --> 00:40:04.806
- This is my twin sister, Judy.

00:40:04.806 --> 00:40:08.758
- I can't think of anybody
that has a larger heart

00:40:08.758 --> 00:40:11.515
and sense of generosity than my brother.

00:40:11.515 --> 00:40:13.750
We have a special connection,
I don't know what it is.

00:40:13.750 --> 00:40:16.713
Maybe the twin thing, but, mazel tov.

00:40:16.713 --> 00:40:19.750
(crowd clapping)

00:40:19.750 --> 00:40:23.333
- Happy bar mitzvah to me.

00:40:28.349 --> 00:40:29.824
Roman got sick.

00:40:29.824 --> 00:40:31.996
I get a call saying,
"Steve, we need your help."

00:40:31.996 --> 00:40:34.876
They're 25 miles up away up the freeway.

00:40:34.876 --> 00:40:37.917
I run up there and he's
in the bed downstairs.

00:40:37.917 --> 00:40:39.414
The day before he's going to the hospital,

00:40:39.414 --> 00:40:40.528
he has the talk with me.

00:40:40.528 --> 00:40:43.184
"You know Steven, I know you
have a different lifestyle

00:40:43.184 --> 00:40:45.152
"and I want you to know
that I love you dearly

00:40:45.152 --> 00:40:47.276
"and I accept you."

00:40:47.276 --> 00:40:49.209
When he died, I didn't get anything

00:40:49.209 --> 00:40:50.944
of religious significance,

00:40:50.944 --> 00:40:54.489
but I was his only blood
relative here, and I was devoted.

00:40:54.489 --> 00:40:56.937
I saw him everyday at the
hospital for three months.

00:40:56.937 --> 00:40:59.145
I went everyday after work.

00:40:59.145 --> 00:41:02.169
Not even the tallis or
the religious things

00:41:02.169 --> 00:41:05.752
or anything did he
mention me in that will.

00:41:07.074 --> 00:41:11.693
What I understood was that he
too never really accepted me.

00:41:11.693 --> 00:41:13.967
But you know, the gift that he gave me was

00:41:13.967 --> 00:41:16.052
that he did bring me back.

00:41:16.052 --> 00:41:19.330
He did take five years, gradually.

00:41:19.330 --> 00:41:21.577
And, I suppose the gift I got was the life

00:41:21.577 --> 00:41:23.663
that I have today in my synagogue,

00:41:23.663 --> 00:41:26.446
which you can't put a price on.

00:41:26.446 --> 00:41:28.613
(singing)

00:41:31.378 --> 00:41:34.271
You know, I never felt I
had a place in Judaism.

00:41:34.271 --> 00:41:35.689
I didn't think there was a place

00:41:35.689 --> 00:41:38.652
in the synagogue for me being gay.

00:41:38.652 --> 00:41:40.310
And when I got there, I realized,

00:41:40.310 --> 00:41:43.980
I mean they have gay baby
namings now in synagogues.

00:41:43.980 --> 00:41:45.900
I was just so thrilled when I realized

00:41:45.900 --> 00:41:48.047
how many things have changed,
how times have changed.

00:41:48.047 --> 00:41:52.214
I found a place in my Judaism
being a gay, Jewish man.

00:41:53.229 --> 00:41:57.062
(peaceful instrumental music)

00:42:04.927 --> 00:42:07.027
- [Roberta] How are you
fulfilling the Jewish edict

00:42:07.027 --> 00:42:08.694
to repair the world?

00:42:09.802 --> 00:42:12.359
- I do what I can do to help those

00:42:12.359 --> 00:42:16.129
who can't help themselves,
who need an advocate.

00:42:16.129 --> 00:42:18.171
I show up.

00:42:18.171 --> 00:42:20.676
I carried a lot of my
friends right to the grave.

00:42:20.676 --> 00:42:23.643
I was there for them during the '80s.

00:42:23.643 --> 00:42:27.810
I support PETA, Greenpeace,
Last Chance for Animals.

00:42:36.040 --> 00:42:40.207
It's not like I'm UNICEF, you
know, I'm just an old guy.

00:42:43.432 --> 00:42:47.599
- Steven was at the forefront
before it ever became chic.

00:42:48.484 --> 00:42:50.498
Gray watering, he was
doing all of these things

00:42:50.498 --> 00:42:53.777
before most people had even had an inkling

00:42:53.777 --> 00:42:56.356
it was something that
should be considering.

00:42:56.356 --> 00:42:58.706
And, I worked in the field
of AIDS for many years,

00:42:58.706 --> 00:43:02.177
so we cross over there because
he helped so many people.

00:43:02.177 --> 00:43:04.695
- Steve was a wonderful
collaborator when we negotiated

00:43:04.695 --> 00:43:06.497
with Universal Studios.

00:43:06.497 --> 00:43:09.185
Had a great sense of conscience,

00:43:09.185 --> 00:43:11.332
protecting the neighborhood
from the kinds of development

00:43:11.332 --> 00:43:14.849
that Universal was doing, and
we were very successful in it,

00:43:14.849 --> 00:43:19.249
and I think in a large
part, due to his efforts.

00:43:19.249 --> 00:43:20.872
- I live with this feeling of being

00:43:20.872 --> 00:43:23.449
in this wonderful little
place that he left me,

00:43:23.449 --> 00:43:26.682
but I spend most of my time alone.

00:43:26.682 --> 00:43:28.913
Even though I try to keep optimistic,

00:43:28.913 --> 00:43:30.472
I have to tell myself I'm probably going

00:43:30.472 --> 00:43:32.222
to stay a single guy.

00:43:35.211 --> 00:43:36.939
I'm not a simple person anymore.

00:43:36.939 --> 00:43:39.723
You know when you have
15 years of exposure

00:43:39.723 --> 00:43:42.948
to the ideas of Jung and all
those psychological things,

00:43:42.948 --> 00:43:44.676
it's very important to me in my life,

00:43:44.676 --> 00:43:48.843
and you become a different
person psychologically.

00:43:52.404 --> 00:43:57.195
This vegetarian compassionate
lifestyle separates me.

00:43:57.195 --> 00:44:00.936
Then there is the fact that
I'm a recovering alcoholic.

00:44:00.936 --> 00:44:03.540
I'm in sobriety, I don't drink.

00:44:03.540 --> 00:44:05.412
I'm an entrepreneur,

00:44:05.412 --> 00:44:07.851
and that separates me from a lot of people

00:44:07.851 --> 00:44:10.477
in how I view the sense of responsibility

00:44:10.477 --> 00:44:12.977
and dedication and commitment.

00:44:15.313 --> 00:44:16.354
Everyone takes off.

00:44:16.354 --> 00:44:19.521
You know, they don't want what I have.

00:44:21.723 --> 00:44:23.809
I used to have this feeling
that there was a turnstile

00:44:23.809 --> 00:44:25.823
at the back door and it would keep turning

00:44:25.823 --> 00:44:27.758
until I found someone that I kind of liked

00:44:27.758 --> 00:44:29.678
and then I would lock the turnstile,

00:44:29.678 --> 00:44:31.092
and then they would burn out

00:44:31.092 --> 00:44:33.278
or I’d burn out then I
would take the lock out

00:44:33.278 --> 00:44:35.778
and start the turnstile again.

00:44:37.956 --> 00:44:41.289
That's been going on for about 20 years,

00:44:43.276 --> 00:44:46.359
because the other stuff steps in soon.

00:44:46.359 --> 00:44:50.526
There you are, alone, isolated.

00:45:00.590 --> 00:45:03.981
- Nice to see you
- Nice to see you.

00:45:03.981 --> 00:45:05.848
- I think we're ready.

00:45:05.848 --> 00:45:09.144
The world's best waiter, he's wonderful.

00:45:09.144 --> 00:45:12.890
Because he's attentive, he
knows exactly what you want.

00:45:12.890 --> 00:45:16.514
Did you get the dimples,
he's got adorable dimples.

00:45:16.514 --> 00:45:17.540
My friends have told me,

00:45:17.540 --> 00:45:20.623
you have the libido of a 35-year-old.

00:45:21.982 --> 00:45:24.606
With the internet being
the venue of today,

00:45:24.606 --> 00:45:26.718
I go in there looking figuring one day,

00:45:26.718 --> 00:45:29.809
someone's going to stroll
by, just like on the street,

00:45:29.809 --> 00:45:32.642
and they're going to stick around.

00:45:34.481 --> 00:45:38.648
I have this obsession with
cruising online at work.

00:45:39.700 --> 00:45:41.803
There's a stimulation with just looking,

00:45:41.803 --> 00:45:43.723
and I appreciate that.

00:45:43.723 --> 00:45:46.170
So, part of my sublimation

00:45:46.170 --> 00:45:50.609
of a pretty powerful sex drive
is now looking at pictures

00:45:50.609 --> 00:45:53.527
of guys who look like what
I used to get all the time.

00:45:53.527 --> 00:45:55.998
(laughing)

00:45:55.998 --> 00:45:59.249
Hoping it’s going to change, but it's not.

00:45:59.249 --> 00:46:01.902
(laughing) We know better.

00:46:01.902 --> 00:46:05.235
An obsession for something can blind us,

00:46:06.104 --> 00:46:08.382
especially when it's
driven by an archetype,

00:46:08.382 --> 00:46:10.985
which are these strong
images in the unconscious

00:46:10.985 --> 00:46:13.723
which just take us over until
we can get a hold of them.

00:46:13.723 --> 00:46:15.712
- [Roberta] What's the strong image?

00:46:15.712 --> 00:46:19.191
- The phallus (chuckling).

00:46:19.191 --> 00:46:23.358
(dove cooing)
(somber music)

00:46:25.698 --> 00:46:27.727
- [Roberta] Do you see any contradiction

00:46:27.727 --> 00:46:30.310
between your promiscuous gay lifestyle

00:46:30.310 --> 00:46:32.393
and your Jewish identity?

00:46:33.976 --> 00:46:36.380
- One thing does not have
anything to do with the other.

00:46:36.380 --> 00:46:37.567
How I live my life

00:46:37.567 --> 00:46:41.253
and what I do for myself
for sexual gratification

00:46:41.253 --> 00:46:44.408
has nothing to do with my relationship

00:46:44.408 --> 00:46:46.408
to the God of my people.

00:46:49.818 --> 00:46:52.400
And I am made in God's
image like everyone.

00:46:52.400 --> 00:46:54.500
The dark side, the darkest of sides,

00:46:54.500 --> 00:46:56.252
the most beautiful of sides.

00:46:56.252 --> 00:46:58.847
It doesn't matter about
who you have relationships

00:46:58.847 --> 00:47:01.269
with another human being.

00:47:01.269 --> 00:47:06.261
Your relationship with God is
totally its own relationship.

00:47:06.261 --> 00:47:09.009
See, my definition of
morality is any behavior

00:47:09.009 --> 00:47:12.377
between two or more people
where everyone agrees

00:47:12.377 --> 00:47:14.159
in that activity.

00:47:14.159 --> 00:47:17.868
Everything being voluntary
between all people involved,

00:47:17.868 --> 00:47:21.804
then it's moral.

00:47:21.804 --> 00:47:24.300
Oh boy.

00:47:24.300 --> 00:47:26.469
Well, in case you haven't guessed,

00:47:26.469 --> 00:47:29.192
this is the story of a gay, Jewish,

00:47:29.192 --> 00:47:33.359
recovering alcoholic, vegetarian,
animal rights individual.

00:47:37.547 --> 00:47:41.170
(peaceful instrumental music)

00:47:41.170 --> 00:47:44.280
The meaning of life is
to love and be loved.

00:47:44.280 --> 00:47:47.099
That's what it is to me.

00:47:47.099 --> 00:47:50.712
That energy makes everything okay.

00:47:50.712 --> 00:47:52.920
That energy supports you when you're down,

00:47:52.920 --> 00:47:55.654
it makes you feel even
better when you're up.

00:47:55.654 --> 00:47:59.500
I mean how anyone can live
without love in their life is,

00:47:59.500 --> 00:48:00.657
that's what it is,

00:48:00.657 --> 00:48:04.941
the whole meaning of life
is loving and being loved.

00:48:04.941 --> 00:48:07.701
Flint dying, that was his
path, that's not my path.

00:48:07.701 --> 00:48:09.343
That was his path.

00:48:09.343 --> 00:48:12.153
I just walked alongside
of him for a while,

00:48:12.153 --> 00:48:15.190
and he was gracious enough
to give me everything he had

00:48:15.190 --> 00:48:17.640
when he left as opposed to anybody else.

00:48:17.640 --> 00:48:21.307
Gave it to me, so my
path is pretty blessed.

00:48:33.390 --> 00:48:35.688
So, the purpose of my life is

00:48:35.688 --> 00:48:38.748
to learn to do better, learn to do more.

00:48:38.748 --> 00:48:42.915
I ask God every morning, “Help
me be a better person today.”

00:48:44.258 --> 00:48:46.527
Help me to recover my business

00:48:46.527 --> 00:48:48.648
so I can be honorable in my affairs.

00:48:48.648 --> 00:48:50.413
Sometimes I wonder about
the power of prayer

00:48:50.413 --> 00:48:54.242
but there's no way I can live without God.

00:48:54.242 --> 00:48:57.242
I can't do it.

00:49:04.185 --> 00:49:07.898
♫ Will the circle be unbroken,

00:49:07.898 --> 00:49:11.648
♫ by and by, Lord, by and by

00:49:13.049 --> 00:49:13.888
That's a sweet song,

00:49:13.888 --> 00:49:16.803
it talks about the hearse that's coming

00:49:16.803 --> 00:49:18.803
to take his mother away.

00:49:20.009 --> 00:49:22.348
That's what Gospel
music's about, isn't it?

00:49:22.348 --> 00:49:25.015
It's about going back to heaven.

00:49:27.303 --> 00:49:31.303
He tells the driver of
the hearse to go slowly.

00:49:33.328 --> 00:49:36.182
It's emotional because he doesn't want

00:49:36.182 --> 00:49:38.515
to let go of his mother yet.

00:49:45.734 --> 00:49:49.817
That last night I did get
into bed and held him.

00:49:53.336 --> 00:49:57.503
Played Billie Holiday, which
he really liked, loved her.

00:49:58.966 --> 00:50:00.993
Sorry (crying).

00:50:00.993 --> 00:50:04.700
Anyhow, seven o'clock in the
morning on January the 11th,

00:50:04.700 --> 00:50:08.033
he stopped breathing.

00:50:09.766 --> 00:50:13.459
I got to witness that,
the two last breaths.

00:50:13.459 --> 00:50:17.626
There was one and then another
one, and then it was over.

00:50:20.515 --> 00:50:22.932
I guess that's what happened.

00:50:25.686 --> 00:50:28.400
I still cry for that man at night.

00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:32.536
I talk to him at night.

00:50:32.536 --> 00:50:36.703
(crickets chirping)
(doves cooing)

00:50:40.737 --> 00:50:43.089
I've been watching romance
movies with happy endings

00:50:43.089 --> 00:50:44.625
for a very long time,

00:50:44.625 --> 00:50:48.416
and then I realized that
they were a vehicle for me.

00:50:48.416 --> 00:50:51.498
In a sense, I'm having a relationship

00:50:51.498 --> 00:50:53.748
with the male in the movie.

00:50:55.447 --> 00:50:58.004
Sometimes I am riveted with emotion

00:50:58.004 --> 00:51:00.848
because my own things come up for me.

00:51:00.848 --> 00:51:04.681
The longing for Flint
and how much I miss him.

00:51:05.911 --> 00:51:08.744
I stay connected that way as well.

00:51:11.636 --> 00:51:15.825
I had a situation recently
with someone who I met.

00:51:15.825 --> 00:51:18.472
The first time we spent
together was beyond belief,

00:51:18.472 --> 00:51:21.305
it was magical.

00:51:22.783 --> 00:51:25.700
And because of holding on to Flint,

00:51:27.070 --> 00:51:31.223
I allowed myself to say
something to this person

00:51:31.223 --> 00:51:33.640
that was rude, inappropriate,

00:51:37.233 --> 00:51:41.400
and ended any hope of something
that might have happened

00:51:42.945 --> 00:51:46.894
because I got impatient and
I got a little arrogant,

00:51:46.894 --> 00:51:49.294
and I did it because I
didn't want anybody coming

00:51:49.294 --> 00:51:53.127
between me and this
memory that is still alive

00:51:54.046 --> 00:51:55.534
and walks around with me.

00:51:55.534 --> 00:51:58.836
That's what I did to sabotage
something I could have had

00:51:58.836 --> 00:52:02.231
in this world for
something I'm holding on to

00:52:02.231 --> 00:52:04.398
that's in the other world.

00:52:06.984 --> 00:52:09.447
- [Roberta] Could something
good come of letting go

00:52:09.447 --> 00:52:11.364
of everything you have?

00:52:12.817 --> 00:52:16.788
- [Steve] Yeah, maybe that’s
what I need to shake me loose.

00:52:16.788 --> 00:52:18.036
- [Roberta] It could be a chance for you

00:52:18.036 --> 00:52:20.386
for some kind of transformation,

00:52:20.386 --> 00:52:22.886
like from cocoon to butterfly.

00:52:25.188 --> 00:52:27.855
- Do they have gay butterflies?

00:52:32.791 --> 00:52:36.564
I've been in the hole
for at least four years,

00:52:36.564 --> 00:52:40.731
to the tune of about one
and a half million dollars.

00:52:43.729 --> 00:52:47.589
If I have to leave this
house, my life will change.

00:52:47.589 --> 00:52:50.756
My whole image of myself will change.

00:52:51.598 --> 00:52:53.495
The identification with myself

00:52:53.495 --> 00:52:56.458
and my environment will change.

00:52:56.458 --> 00:52:59.791
I have to walk into an apartment house.

00:53:03.489 --> 00:53:05.194
It's going to change.

00:53:05.194 --> 00:53:07.569
I don't want to think about
how it's going to change

00:53:07.569 --> 00:53:09.111
because it's overwhelming.

00:53:09.111 --> 00:53:12.778
(gentle instrumental music)

00:53:17.479 --> 00:53:18.980
I have to say,

00:53:18.980 --> 00:53:21.402
it was a mistake not selling
this house two years ago

00:53:21.402 --> 00:53:24.906
and getting my price and wiping
out a lot of the overhead

00:53:24.906 --> 00:53:27.239
that I have with this house.

00:53:29.178 --> 00:53:31.290
It would have left me
with money in my pocket

00:53:31.290 --> 00:53:34.719
instead of the situation
now where I'm going

00:53:34.719 --> 00:53:37.530
to probably just break
even and walk out of here.

00:53:37.530 --> 00:53:39.022
Yeah, I made a lot of bad mistakes

00:53:39.022 --> 00:53:43.786
when it comes to decisions
because emotion got in the way.

00:53:43.786 --> 00:53:47.619
There was no one here
to talk to me about it.

00:53:50.848 --> 00:53:54.871
I would prefer to be carried
out feet first like he was.

00:53:54.871 --> 00:53:57.118
That's how I want to leave
this place, feet first.

00:53:57.118 --> 00:54:00.775
Not in a moving van, in a hearse.

00:54:00.775 --> 00:54:02.481
That's how I want to leave here.

00:54:02.481 --> 00:54:05.814
I don't know if that's going to happen.

00:54:18.583 --> 00:54:20.874
Rosh Hashanah is the New Year,

00:54:20.874 --> 00:54:24.858
that's when we celebrate
the turning of our calendar.

00:54:24.858 --> 00:54:26.302
Then the week later,

00:54:26.302 --> 00:54:29.345
we have Yom Kippur and this is a time

00:54:29.345 --> 00:54:32.718
when we correct the wrongs
we've made as we walk up

00:54:32.718 --> 00:54:36.522
to that point where we
are going to be forgiven

00:54:36.522 --> 00:54:38.980
for things that we have
done that weren't right.

00:54:38.980 --> 00:54:41.297
You can call them sins, transgressions,

00:54:41.297 --> 00:54:42.929
approach people you have wronged.

00:54:42.929 --> 00:54:45.582
You make your amends and
you get to start over

00:54:45.582 --> 00:54:48.567
with a new slate every year.

00:54:48.567 --> 00:54:51.818
I don't know of anyone that
I have actually wronged

00:54:51.818 --> 00:54:54.151
that I need to apologize to.

00:54:55.383 --> 00:54:58.852
I've actually been working
on apologizing to myself

00:54:58.852 --> 00:55:02.437
for things I've done that have hurt me.

00:55:02.437 --> 00:55:04.645
That's the hardest thing to do actually,

00:55:04.645 --> 00:55:07.178
because you have to look in
that psychological mirror

00:55:07.178 --> 00:55:11.264
and you have to admit to yourself
you did this to yourself,

00:55:11.264 --> 00:55:13.862
you made these mistakes.

00:55:13.862 --> 00:55:16.445
(somber music)

00:55:26.071 --> 00:55:29.921
In the last few weeks I've
been struggling with God.

00:55:29.921 --> 00:55:33.412
I was feeling so upset
about all this struggle,

00:55:33.412 --> 00:55:36.423
that I thought I was damned.

00:55:36.423 --> 00:55:40.423
That's what I'm saying
to God, why am I damned?

00:55:42.065 --> 00:55:46.589
I'm in Temple and I just closed
my eyes and all of a sudden,

00:55:46.589 --> 00:55:49.672
I saw myself in the sand, in the sun,

00:55:51.857 --> 00:55:56.444
with just a cloth around my
middle, naked in the desert,

00:55:56.444 --> 00:56:00.611
with my head down kneeling
before this huge cloud.

00:56:02.547 --> 00:56:05.188
At that moment, I knew I was blessed

00:56:05.188 --> 00:56:07.263
to have had this experience.

00:56:07.263 --> 00:56:09.412
I was kneeling before God.

00:56:09.412 --> 00:56:11.079
God was right there.

00:56:13.122 --> 00:56:14.333
That was a gift,

00:56:14.333 --> 00:56:18.500
that I had this opportunity
to humble myself before God.

00:56:21.387 --> 00:56:23.720
Now I've been renewed again.

00:56:28.299 --> 00:56:32.466
Since that happened, my
business has been picking up.

00:56:34.397 --> 00:56:35.789
Didn't get the lottery ticket yet,

00:56:35.789 --> 00:56:37.191
which would solve everything,

00:56:37.191 --> 00:56:40.358
but in some way, I'm being helped out.

00:56:43.972 --> 00:56:46.166
I do continue to have faith,

00:56:46.166 --> 00:56:47.763
although I see myself somewhat

00:56:47.763 --> 00:56:51.040
as the Job person in the bible,

00:56:51.040 --> 00:56:53.883
where Lucifer said he could
get Job to lose his faith

00:56:53.883 --> 00:56:55.984
and HaShem said no he will not,

00:56:55.984 --> 00:56:59.184
and even though Job was stripped
to the rock bottom of life,

00:56:59.184 --> 00:57:02.765
he never lost his faith
and he got it all back.

00:57:02.765 --> 00:57:06.077
That's the thing that I carry in my heart.

00:57:06.077 --> 00:57:10.445
I have faith, I'm working hard,

00:57:10.445 --> 00:57:13.228
and I will continue to recover again.

00:57:13.228 --> 00:57:16.895
(gentle instrumental music)