WEBVTT

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You filming Wendy. Yeah, but I.

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You got the light on. Oh! Dear. You know, if I get my
picture taken, I\'m lean… I\'m leaning back you know,

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this I said that was not a sgood picture.
I rather had my picture taken this way.

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Probably I\'m (inaudible) and I got all
these lines are gonna be even deeper.

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Why don\'t I just look a
little better if you know,

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if I just had a little lift here. I have less
wrinkles when I look up. Oh, it\'s not aging

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that I mind. It… it\'s the decay.

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These women are my friends. We dance
together every week for years now.

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Sauna together,

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eat together, and talk…

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and talk… and talk.

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Even talking about aging is so difficult

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and there is like this conspiracy around

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not really addressing what it means.
Oh, you look so great.

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You can\'t be a grandmother. Oh, you don\'t look (inaudible). So much younger. I hope,
I look that good when I\'m your age. You never change. (inaudible) not getting old.

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I have these wrinkles. You think
you have wrinkles. My wrinkles.

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We wanted to go deeper and
come out of the (inaudible)

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with our mixed feelings about our
aging faces. I\'m (inaudible)

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I want to see myself on video
at this stage. So we spent

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a day just looking.

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When I saw myself on film,
I was really surprised.

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It just how much

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of me showed,

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my vulnerability, my
testiness and guardedness,

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and it made me very sad and very
compassionate. For some reason,

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I saw my own face and said
you know, I want to tell

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this woman that everything
will be all right.

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To actually see an image as probably been projected
towards the world you know, as I saw it on video

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shocked me quite a bit. There
was something that was gone,

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it was sort of past.

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It showed things that I probably
wouldn\'t show about myself.

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Right they\'re on the surface.

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We never look at each other
in that way, really look.

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I dance with them but I never
really see their faces.

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I don\'t think I ever saw myself.

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I just saw the flaws. I
was my skin with pimples

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and I saw a forehead that I didn\'t
like and a nose that I didn\'t like.

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I think if my face is rather plain, sometimes
I pretend it doesn\'t matter at all.

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But it really,

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sometimes I want to be beautiful.

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I watch these women, who I love and care about so much.
Face themselves and I think there are so beautiful

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and were so hard on themselves
and so push away… push away…

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push away that something in me shifted.

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In my… in my warning to wake them up

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to how beautiful they were
and how this was a burden

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that they\'re carrying around.

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How much more free we could be.

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There is definitely
something in our culture

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about looking young that I obviously
integrated into my own psyche.

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My sister, who was blonde you know,

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it was in the era of Lady (inaudible) and blondes
having more fun and that went right into

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who I am and then I never felt
like I was as pretty as she was.

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When I go to Paris, I feel that I\'m
in… I feel very challenged in Paris.

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It\'s very competitive and I
did become such a pressure

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and depressing and I hate it and I\'m always
thrilled to leave Paris after two weeks,

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it\'s too much. Before I had
passed through menopause,

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I think before all the little bags and
things started and wrinkles and you know,

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all those things started, I think people saw
me the way at least I wanted them to see me.

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Just in that sort of like halfway between
Elizabeth Taylor and Ava Gardner.

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The older people are

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the more range there is and how we look. There
is a huge range of how people look at 70.

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Nothing like the narrow little
band of how people look at one

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or even 20 or 50, youth is for the young

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and probably I\'m not the first one to notice that but
you know, its appropriate that a little children

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look like puppies, they are and its
appropriate that the young ones

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getting ready to burst with their babies and looking
forward to their adult like how (inaudible) look

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and that is not the look that I\'m
interested in having. (inaudible)

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I\'m a grandmother now and I think
that that\'s had a strong influence

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on how I feel about age
appropriate appearance.

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I\'m not… I\'m not a stranger to
sadness or to suffering or to pain,

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so wasn\'t a revelation like oh! My
God, I didn\'t know you suffered.

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So I\'ve had my share like just everybody
else. But what was surprising

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which to see it somewhat edged. When my father
died that was like a… a tremendous blow.

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My first divorce was a
tremendous sadness you know,

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learning how to be a mother
was an incredible struggle

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and all those things you know, they\'re
pains. I very much don\'t like hearing

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women get wrinkles and men get character.
No, we have our character

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on our faces and we have
our experience here too

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and there is something about women wanting
to take it away. There is something very

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sad about it.

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When I was a little girl, umm…

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Is was the eldest of uh….

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Five girls and I was not prettiest

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and I got that message right away
you know, as soon as I had siblings

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the others were prettier. There was the
pretty the very pretty one and less pretty,

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but still very pretty and
then I was gonna third

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or fourth you know, in prettiness

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and I never felt really ugly but
I never felt pretty at all.

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And I think that\'s when I kind of rose to the occasion and
taught well I don\'t have to be pretty I will be unconventional

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and special and different and kind
of looked for a wave you know,

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surviving with having a different style.

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Because now I don\'t feel that way anymore,

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I feel actually that I grew
better than all of them.

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I\'ve had positive feelings about myself
as a person probably for my whole life

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and I think that it\'s a reflection
of all the positive feelings

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I receive from my family. I
always felt good about my body.

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I didn\'t always feel good about my
face, I felt like my nose was too big.

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My mother use to say, your hair is your
crowning glory. I use to feel that

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if anything happen to my hair, I\'d be
very ugly. And even I had nightmares

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about having my haircut
often then losing my looks.

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So very early on there was a lot
of focus about looking good,

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looking right you know, I got my
period when I was nine and a half.

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So I went through that budding adolescence

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when I was… when I wasn\'t 10 yet.
There was a lot of

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sort of harsh criticism like what
you have (inaudible). I was 10.

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A lot of this (inaudible) image

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was threaded throughout everything.
Yeah, they called my aunt a silver fox.

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Yeah, not bad.

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She is the one who also said face it Hope,
you have a horse face just like me.

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So my hair started to…
to get white, she said,

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(inaudible) why didn\'t color it. I said well,
we don\'t do that in Berkeley, we have a choice

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and she said well, why
would you wanna be ugly

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and I thought okay you know, my
mom lives in Southern California

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and there is a (inaudible) with different cultures
in terms of what we think is beautiful and ugly.

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[music]

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I could stay in old day not wear makeup and feel
perfectly fine until I can\'t look in the mirror

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and then I go (inaudible) but once
I go out uh… specially to work

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and I really like to dress up and impress.

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If I really have time in the (inaudible) stuck at the
Dumbarton Bridge, I play with it like I\'m doing (inaudible)

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and see what happens with it and bad commute
day (inaudible) coming with lip liner.

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Not bad commute day I don\'t have time. When I think about the
time I spend just plucking the hair just out of my chin,

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if I could spend that time reading I would
probably have read a lot more books.

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I try to use the amount of will make it seem
like I\'m not using makeup. I put on lipstick.

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I do that almost everyday
and what else do I do,

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massage myself so I\'m not tense.

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I would think and breathe, yeah.

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[music]

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It\'s harder if you are looking for a
partner and you kind of out there

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in the market. I order to get a partner,

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you think everything you do could help.
I wouldn\'t (inaudible)

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to have a few less wrinkles to look young for your
age. For about six months, I did exercises for this.

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[sil.]

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When I got married eight years
ago, I stopped doing those things.

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I stopped using face creams.
But look at my lips,

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what do you notice? See I have secrets.
(inaudible). It\'s tattooed on,

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its permanent makeup. I learned,
I will put up with pain

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this doesn\'t feel good to do.
So she did my eyes.

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It\'s tattooed (inaudible) tiny needles
and she makes this line underneath it.

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It wasn\'t worth then I wouldn\'t do it
again it was too… too… too… too painful

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and I made her stop, \"The price
of beauty.\" My entire facelift.

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[sil.]

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How I ever considered a facelift.
Well, you know,

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when I\'m ask the question, I ask myself but I
don\'t think I\'ve ever considered seriously, no.

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It\'s such a paradox,

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you have to cut a piece of yourself
in order to like yourself,

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no doesn\'t make sense to me.
Yes, I have considered you know,

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all those things and I have considered and I talk.
You know, let\'s go in a group join for facelifts

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and get Mexico vacation at the same time. If it was snap
and then caused anything it happened with a wave of one,

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what I would do is…

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Oh, you look so much better. See.

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So much younger. I wouldn\'t do. I
don\'t think I could ever do it,

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because having had two
surgeries fairly recently

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after accident really I had
a very… very bad reaction

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to the anesthetic and the
whole process of surgery

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was so devastating to me that I can\'t
imagine doing unintentionally.

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I\'m 52 now,

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but when I was 41, I got breast cancer

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and went through the whole
treatment the surgery intense…

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intense chemotherapy and radiation therapy,

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and when it was over,

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I… my skin tone was just devastated,
I really aged really quickly.

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So, I decided that I was gonna get a facelift.
I went through a lot about doing that.

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It wasn\'t an easy thing to do. I felt that

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at some level I was betraying values, it
was I mean, all this other stuff is fun

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and it literally just cosmetic on the surface. But this was
something that was really serious. Giving my soul away

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to this idea that I… I need to look a certain
way and how far am I willing to go to confirm

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to what this expectation is of how I\'m suppose
to look. I don\'t wanna give up the good ease

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of being a fairly attractive woman in the society
and I could see it was starting to happen quickly

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and I resented it I mean, I just
resented that I was as vulnerable

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to all that as I really was when I was honest
with myself. I would have like to thought

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I had that sort of inner integrity and inner character
where it start mattering. But it mattered terribly…

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it mattered terribly and I felt like it
destroyed my health, it destroyed my marriage,

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it destroyed my hopes to have a child, but it
also destroyed my looks, and if the four of them

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there was nothing I could do about one, two and
three, but I could do something about four.

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I have no regrets. Not this much regret

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about having gone for it.

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There\'s a wave of seeing
the cycle happening

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and that I\'m just a cog in that wheel
that goes round and round and round.

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There is a lot for
pressure from the society

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to not have a sense of humor about this.
If I gloat a little bit about

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enjoying myself that I\'m almost sort
of going against the (inaudible).

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[music]

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When I was about I don\'t know 15 years
younger, I observed some older women,

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who were blatantly sexual I mean,

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their… their presentation included the
fact that they were juicy and fruitacious

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and they knew it, you know, they had a juicy life.
You didn\'t know what they did or if they did

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anything but was juicy, and I said oh, I want
that and so I made a point of having that.

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I much more interested in the
changes I\'m going through

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as an adventure like it\'s an adventure that

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I\'ve never had. I will never have
again, it is well have it too you know,

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its like youth is an
adventure, old age to me

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is probably the most interesting
adventure including deaf.

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[music]

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In my kitchen, I have got this big mirror

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and I end of looking at myself
that\'s what I\'m confronted

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with right away, and I look at
my face and I look at my eyes

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and I see they\'re puffy and
I have bags under my eyes,

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and I start worrying like (inaudible)

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they\'re going to get back
to normal again and,

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you know, that\'s it. I mean,

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sometimes I feel devastated
and sometimes I feel

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just curious or

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sometimes I just think well so be it

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that\'s what it looks like.
But I tell you that\'s not

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what it feels like. Even
if I have old baggy eyes,

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I don\'t feel as an old bag at all.

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[music]

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Well, so that you know, if you end
up not having sex when you are 16,

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you can experience ecstasy in
your own body just out of moving

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and dancing to your inner lives.

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[music]

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I\'m finding

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my face a little unfamiliar at this age.

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Getting older though is part
of the challenge for me

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in terms of excepting because there
are aspects of my face that I…

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that I regret I would say.

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[music]

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When people tell me,

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you don\'t look your age that use to

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really upset me as if
aging was something wrong

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and not to look my age was much better
than to look my age and you know,

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I had kind of um… stance about that like what
do you mean? 60 this is what 60 looks like.

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There is nothing wrong with being
60 and this is what it looks like.

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[music]

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Two years later

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and two years older, we wanted to see
where this attention to our aging faces

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had brought us. Two years ago when we started
the video, I felt pretty comfortable

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with how I looked and I was feeling like oh,
good I\'m okay now. It doesn\'t matter how I look,

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I like it. And now I\'ve gained a lot of weight
and I\'m back in the same position again

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I feel like something is not right about
me you know, as much as I tried it

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to come from the place that were all okay,
how we are, it doesn\'t matter you know,

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I still have that sense that now my stomach

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is too big. Now, I have to lose some weight, now
and I think when am I gonna walk in the world

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just as myself and comfortable
and not worry about it.

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I just want to say that I\'m so glad
I had my facelift and I\'m so sorry,

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
I got breast cancer and because I think it
should be anybody\'s choice and you don\'t need a…

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
a good reason. Maybe, I think I was
afraid of looking at older women before.

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
I was… I was afraid of looking
as you know, thinking well,

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
is that where I\'m going. Do I want to
think about this yet and I wasn\'t ready

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
and since then I\'ve been
kind of excited about it

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
become very interesting and juicy. But
I was looking at some photographs

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
and I thought, who\'s that old woman
and then… and then I looked at it

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
and it was me, I keep saying to
myself okay, this is how I look now

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
and I better appreciate it because
when I\'m 60 I\'m gonna look back it

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
when I\'m this age 50 and say oh, I
looked so good then. That\'s it like

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
when you look back into your 30 year old picture now.
And it\'s like time to appreciate who we are right now.

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
I do care how I look for
my own satisfaction.

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
Well, I feel (inaudible) feel inside.
What you feel like inside

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
and how you self identify and then that
image of there that says an older woman,

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
I still feel like I did in my 30s. It
seems so increasingly distressing.

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
I\'m just reminded of

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
how vulnerable we are as
women when we age, you know,

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
do I try do keep looking much younger so
I can keep the currency of being young

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
or slowly come to grips with
that basic vulnerability.

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
So the vulnerability is

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
kind of a big opening for me and
I think it came because I aged.

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
If I had died when I was 45, I
would probably never experience

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
all the benefits of being vulnerable.

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
As I get older I have more of a
sense that it\'s okay to just be

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
that is won\'t always have to be producing,

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
doing good deals you know, making creative
things or taking care of someone.

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
I can just watch a tree
leaf out or drop its leaves

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
or a baby grow.

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
I think that this is a very
painful right of passage

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
that women go through in particularly in this culture
you know, that just values youth and beauty and…

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
If I could keep staying deeper
or going deeper into myself

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
and going to the nice parts of myself,
generosity and all that maybe it will keep

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
me from dying.

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
I wanted to sit right next to this rug.

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
It\'s an old (inaudible)
rug and its (inaudible)

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
how do you say worn, it\'s lost its fluff

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
but as a result, the colors come out

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
and lines and the detail
show and I think its…

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
its becoming more and more
beautiful as its betting older.

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
This is way I feel that the older

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
I get the more interesting
it looks and beautiful too.

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
And I think aging is that,
it\'s the fluff disappearing

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
and the essence showing. Hey!
How do you like that?

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
I\'m 62 years old.

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
I\'m 50. I\'m 47. I\'m 57…

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
57 um… I\'m 55 years old.

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
I\'m 54. 65 years old. 65…

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:55.000
Well, you know, I\'m amazed about it.