WEBVTT

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(computer chimes)

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(mouse clicks)

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(mouse clicks)

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(indistinct ambient city noises)

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(people chattering)

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(soft electronic music)

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I am here, making a film about geeks.

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I want to share with you my journey

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through a world few ever encounter,

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one which inspires itself by dressing into fictional roles,

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bringing stories to life with ink and paper,

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playing games, and landing robots on the surface of Mars.

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To start the film I came here to Japan,

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where geek history began.

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This is Comic Market,

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a fan convention of staggering proportions.

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Over a half a million people

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descend upon this place every year,

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and it is one of the largest annual gatherings in the world.

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Everybody\'s here to support

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their shared loved for anime and manga.

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I thought I would find a community, people like me,

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but nobody would speak to me.

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Even here, surrounded by their peers,

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people shied away from me, avoided my camera\'s gaze.

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(soft music)

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Where am I?

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(soft music)

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(phone ringing)

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We\'re unable to take your call at the moment.

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Please leave your name, number, and a brief message,

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and we\'ll get back to you as soon as we can.

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(answering machine beeps)

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Hi, my name is Gina Hara,

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and I\'m a Canadian filmmaker calling from Montreal.

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(phone beeping)

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Comic Market turned out to be

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just the first stop in my travels around the world.

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But where I had expected excitement, acceptance and pride,

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I found only silence,

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a silence that I would learn

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was the product of shame,

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bullying, exclusion, harassment, threats.

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(phone ringing)

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We are unable to take your call.

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Now more than ever,

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I wanted to know more about geeks.

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I was searching online for people

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who\'d be willing to tell me

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about their experiences as geeks, nerds, fans, outcasts.

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Growing up, the word nerd was an insult.

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Like, if you called someone a nerd,

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(woman laughs)

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then you were trying to belittle them.

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I do remember being told that, mostly by my brother.

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But I remember being called that

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and, like, feeling some type of way about that,

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like, \"No, I\'m not a nerd.

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\"Just because I\'m into these things,

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\"or just because I like to be alone by myself

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\"and write and read, that doesn\'t make me a nerd.\"

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But that\'s what he would label me as.

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What I\'ve noticed obviously over time,

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people have taken something

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that was considered to be an offensive term

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and use it as a term of endearment.

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When I noticed people embracing it,

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I was just, like, \"You know what?

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\"If this is what a nerd is,

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\"then that\'s what I am, too.

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\"And I\'m gonna own it and be proud as well.\"

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I mean, my mom, she loves it.

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She\'s my biggest fan, she\'s my biggest supporter.

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She tells everybody that\'s willing to listen (chuckles)

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who I am, what I do.

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She always gets kinda mad at me

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when I don\'t just openly disclose,

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\"Oh, I\'m Jamie Broadnax, creator of Black Girl Nerds.\"

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Like, I\'m not that person.

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But she\'ll just be, like,

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\"Why don\'t you tell them who you are?\" (laughs)

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I\'m also a podcaster of the Black Girl Nerds podcast.

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It\'s a weekly show that we publish every Sunday.

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Also I\'m known for a lot of live tweeting

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and the social media platforms

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that are on Twitter and Facebook and others.

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So that\'s pretty much what I do.

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Talking to Jamie made we wonder

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about other professional geeks.

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Who are these people who make their living

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from the same deep love of this culture?

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Where do they come from?

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How do they grow up?

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Were my experiences as a child anything like theirs?

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These questions led me to GamerWife,

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a girly geek blog run by Mariko.

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Hello, welcome back to the channel.

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It\'s Mariko.

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My first fandom was Star Wars.

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Like, I probably saw the first film like,

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I would hazard maybe like a hundred times

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before I turned four.

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Like, that was my gem as a toddler.

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My parents had taped it off TV

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and I would watch it on a loop.

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Yeah, and it was more my mom who what the one

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who kinda introduced the sci fi and cult things.

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She would even introduce me to, like,

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you know, music and art and things that she wasn\'t into

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but she knew maybe I\'d be into,

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based on other things I was into.

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(dramatic music)

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My first memory about gaming is absolutely Mario 3.

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But Mario 3, I remember opening it

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and I already had the nest console.

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Then Nintendo comes along, I just, like,

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got it and played and played for hours.

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And I was really bad \'cause I was, three or four years old.

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So it was really me playing the first world

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over and over, (chuckles) basically.

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But it was a cool experience.

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Now I can say that I\'m a pro gamer.

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People understand it.

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A couple years ago, it was different.

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But I\'ll say to taxi drivers,

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and they\'ll be, like, \"Oh yeah.

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\"I drove a pro gamer a year ago.\"

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Like, people are aware that (mumbles) is a thing.

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It\'s everywhere, it\'s on TV,

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it\'s in the media, newspapers.

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So I just say I\'m a pro gamer.

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But I\'m way more than that. (chuckles)

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It\'s just simpler.

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(chiming music)

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Growing up in Hungary,

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nobody told me there is such a thing as a geek.

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There is no word for it in my native language.

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But as a kid, I still spent my time reading comics,

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building model train sets, playing Lego,

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and dreaming about playing video games one day.

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Back then, what was I?

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Where did I belong?

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How could I have known?

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You can wear an insult like an armor,

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to take pride in the words

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that others use to drag you down.

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But without a word to define something,

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can it really be said to exist?

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(train whirring)

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(gentle music)

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(train announcer speaks foreign language)

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The next station is.

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As a kid, I was constantly told

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that games were a waste of time.

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But as an adult, I was unable to find anything else

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that replicated the unique escape that they offered.

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I could feel my full potential.

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Daydreams weren\'t just fantasies anymore.

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I could see them, touch them, change them.

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In much the same way, I started making films.

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I started to breathe life

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into these fleeting fictional sparks,

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glimpses into beautiful universes

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of the imaginary made flesh.

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I just built an entire civilization.

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Check.

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I just defeated evil.

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Check.

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Now back to the real world.

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(gentle music)

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This is actually a hat

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that you put on the side of your head, kinda like this.

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So it\'s huge and it\'s quite heavy.

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You have to wear, like, a bunch of bobby pins in it.

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But it\'s really a standout piece.

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People are, like, \"What kind of hat is this?\"

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Like, it\'s very different.

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I really love hats.

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I\'m a hat Lolita.

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Like, lots of \'em just wear flowers,

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wear head bows and things like that.

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I really, really enjoy having hats.

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I think it\'s more of a standout piece.

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When people ask me, what is this about,

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I usually say it\'s a style based off of Victorian fashion

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and kinda keep it at that.

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And if they do ask anything more, I\'m, like,

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\"I wear it because I like it.

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\"I think it\'s pretty.\"

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To me, I was a geek before I was a Lolita,

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like, way before.

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I played video games ever since I was about five years old.

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I love to play games

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where you can really impact what happens.

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I don\'t like purely linear games usually

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because I do like to have some agency.

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Actually I had seen an episode of the Game Theory

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that said that people love video games

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for usually three reasons,

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and one of them is, like,

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it gives them something to be better at.

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So, like, they really like getting better at puzzles

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or better at first person shooters,

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and being in the competitive,

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or they like the free roaming and just freedom,

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and they find it relaxing.

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Or exactly, through their choices they feel

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they can alter the world.

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And when they feel powerless in their lives,

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it gives them definitely a tool to explore things.

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And I very much agree with that

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because video games help me

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through rough patches in my life.

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LittleBigPlanet for me was, like,

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very therapeutic when we lost our mother.

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My sister was 16, I was 18.

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You know, with grief, there\'s nothing really you can do

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except sit in it and live through it.

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Sometimes some days it felt

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like the biggest thing we could do was just, like,

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keep breathing and just go through the motions.

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I remember we\'d sit here and we\'d just play the game,

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and it would give us something to do,

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but we would be sighing, like,

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(sighs) every five seconds.

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But so it gave our brains something to focus on.

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And that\'s why we\'re both really big fans of this game.

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It\'s, like, it\'s very fun.

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I think video games can bring so much positivity

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in somebody\'s life.

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You know, some people say, \"Yeah, but you can get addicted.\"

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But it only depends on the user.

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I mean, video games are an object.

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What you make of it is what\'s important.

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You can either lose yourself in video games,

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or you can use video games to feel better about yourself,

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the world, your situation,

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and find ways to cope through it.

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(cheerful music)

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[Elizabeth\'s Sister] (shouts indistinctly)

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Yeah!

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Oh no!

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(Elizabeth speaks indistinctly)

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Okay, I\'ll let your guy (drowned out by ambient noise).

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My mom actually made me realize

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one thing a couple months ago.

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When I play, for me, it\'s the only time

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where I don\'t think or do anything else at the same time.

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Which is probably, I\'m doing a lot of things

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within the game.

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But that means I\'m not thinking about what time it is,

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am I hungry, do I need to do x and y,

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and I\'m just playing the game.

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So I think that for me, I feel like the game is,

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I feel kinda liberated from life.

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Like, it just makes me forget about anything else

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and focus on the game 100%.

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It\'s where I have my purest emotions

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and my clearest mind, I would say.

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(lively music)
(game booming and splashing)

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This is, like, where I play Splatoon all the time.

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Get really angry.

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Can\'t play later than eight o\'clock (chuckles)

264
00:14:19.170 --> 00:14:20.370
otherwise I can\'t sleep.

265
00:14:21.990 --> 00:14:24.383
I am Rebecca Cohen-Palacios.

266
00:14:25.540 --> 00:14:29.800
I am a UI developer, currently at Ubisoft,

267
00:14:29.800 --> 00:14:32.200
making my third game.

268
00:14:32.200 --> 00:14:36.740
And I also am the co-director and co-founder of Pixelles,

269
00:14:36.740 --> 00:14:40.363
which is my lovely nonprofit women in games organization.

270
00:14:41.340 --> 00:14:44.903
I like to play all kinds of game.

271
00:14:48.180 --> 00:14:50.460
I really, really, like Splatoon.

272
00:14:50.460 --> 00:14:53.673
I have been playing it ever since it came out.

273
00:14:54.660 --> 00:14:57.640
It was, like, my first multiplayer shooter

274
00:14:57.640 --> 00:14:58.570
that I really got into.

275
00:14:58.570 --> 00:15:00.842
I thought I wasn\'t into shooters

276
00:15:00.842 --> 00:15:03.930
\'cause it was, like, Battlefield or Call of Duty.

277
00:15:03.930 --> 00:15:06.790
And then Splatoon is packaged in, like,

278
00:15:06.790 --> 00:15:11.750
this colorful, like Squidkid kind of fashion,

279
00:15:11.750 --> 00:15:13.220
dressing up-type game.

280
00:15:13.220 --> 00:15:16.490
And it made it accessible to me,

281
00:15:16.490 --> 00:15:19.720
and then afterward I got really, really into it,

282
00:15:19.720 --> 00:15:21.778
the first person shooter game play.

283
00:15:21.778 --> 00:15:24.195
(fast music)

284
00:15:29.297 --> 00:15:30.483
Oh, fuck!

285
00:15:30.483 --> 00:15:32.983
(eerie music)

286
00:15:58.167 --> 00:15:59.000
Hey!

287
00:15:59.000 --> 00:15:59.833
Hi!

288
00:16:04.124 --> 00:16:07.207
She has kind of, like, sassy pants.

289
00:16:08.291 --> 00:16:12.135
She is, but she kind of does that, like. (laughs)

290
00:16:12.135 --> 00:16:13.501
Like, from his face.

291
00:16:13.501 --> 00:16:16.427
I know, but it\'s really hard to play.

292
00:16:16.427 --> 00:16:17.370
That\'s perfect.

293
00:16:17.370 --> 00:16:20.670
Cosplay comes from the words costume and play.

294
00:16:20.670 --> 00:16:22.280
In Japanese, they just squish them together

295
00:16:22.280 --> 00:16:23.630
and they call it cosplay.

296
00:16:23.630 --> 00:16:26.340
It came over to America with, I think,

297
00:16:26.340 --> 00:16:27.790
first it was sci fi conventions.

298
00:16:27.790 --> 00:16:29.500
But it didn\'t really grow in popularity

299
00:16:29.500 --> 00:16:31.790
until anime cons in the \'90s,

300
00:16:31.790 --> 00:16:32.623
because that\'s when we started getting

301
00:16:32.623 --> 00:16:35.640
a lot more anime, a lot more culture coming in from Japan,

302
00:16:35.640 --> 00:16:37.900
and it really started, in Japan, I would say,

303
00:16:37.900 --> 00:16:39.450
although there was some stuff happening

304
00:16:39.450 --> 00:16:40.740
in sci fi cons at the same time.

305
00:16:40.740 --> 00:16:42.823
It was kind of just like a different thing.

306
00:16:43.680 --> 00:16:45.430
I mean, I guess I started going to cons

307
00:16:45.430 --> 00:16:47.310
when I was in junior high.

308
00:16:47.310 --> 00:16:48.780
I knew I wanted to do costuming,

309
00:16:48.780 --> 00:16:53.080
but I didn\'t know how to do any sort of sewing or crafting.

310
00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:55.850
And I still really am a beginner at a lot of it.

311
00:16:55.850 --> 00:16:59.240
But my first costume I actually purchased

312
00:16:59.240 --> 00:17:00.960
from, like, one of those Chinese, like,

313
00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:02.900
we\'ll make a costume for you sites.

314
00:17:02.900 --> 00:17:04.780
It didn\'t fit well, it didn\'t look good.

315
00:17:04.780 --> 00:17:07.210
But I had so much fun in it that I didn\'t care.

316
00:17:07.210 --> 00:17:10.410
And then probably like three, four years after that,

317
00:17:10.410 --> 00:17:11.660
I was, like, \"I wanna make a costume.\"

318
00:17:11.660 --> 00:17:14.360
And I did Ramona, was my first costume.

319
00:17:14.360 --> 00:17:16.650
And I made the dress and I styled the wig

320
00:17:16.650 --> 00:17:18.230
and made the accessories.

321
00:17:18.230 --> 00:17:20.500
And I was so proud of it that I just kept building.

322
00:17:20.500 --> 00:17:23.040
It was, like, 14 or 15 and I\'m, like, going downtown

323
00:17:23.040 --> 00:17:24.770
and my parents are dropping me off at this con.

324
00:17:24.770 --> 00:17:27.600
I\'m, like, \"Oh God, I hope I\'m not the only one dressed up.\"

325
00:17:27.600 --> 00:17:29.240
They\'d actually called me the night before.

326
00:17:29.240 --> 00:17:31.560
They were, like, \"There\'s other people here dressed up.\"

327
00:17:31.560 --> 00:17:33.597
I\'m, like, \"Did you think I was doing it by myself?

328
00:17:33.597 --> 00:17:35.700
\"Like, that I would be the only person dressed up?\"

329
00:17:35.700 --> 00:17:36.800
And I guess they just didn\'t know

330
00:17:36.800 --> 00:17:39.560
that I was into anime and so were other people.

331
00:17:39.560 --> 00:17:41.270
But I was just to happy with the people,

332
00:17:41.270 --> 00:17:42.230
that they recognized me.

333
00:17:42.230 --> 00:17:45.150
And I felt really cute and, like, really, like, confident,

334
00:17:45.150 --> 00:17:46.860
and I felt like I fit in more

335
00:17:46.860 --> 00:17:48.530
than just wearing street clothes.

336
00:17:48.530 --> 00:17:49.690
And even more now.

337
00:17:49.690 --> 00:17:52.680
I mean, cosplay was still really small back then.

338
00:17:52.680 --> 00:17:54.510
And now it\'s so much bigger.

339
00:17:54.510 --> 00:17:55.710
And if you go to a con, it\'s, like,

340
00:17:55.710 --> 00:17:57.240
50% of the people dress up.

341
00:17:57.240 --> 00:18:00.300
I think I would feel even more kinda out of place

342
00:18:00.300 --> 00:18:02.019
if I didn\'t dress up now.

343
00:18:02.019 --> 00:18:04.436
(soft music)

344
00:18:15.320 --> 00:18:18.000
There is so much we don\'t know.

345
00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:21.840
We only ever see a fraction of the world around us.

346
00:18:21.840 --> 00:18:24.590
Our judgments, assumptions and feelings

347
00:18:24.590 --> 00:18:27.283
are all based on this small fragment we see.

348
00:18:28.410 --> 00:18:30.193
The piece we let ourselves see.

349
00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:34.920
Although it seems impossible to paint a full picture

350
00:18:34.920 --> 00:18:38.510
with everyone in it, I\'m still trying,

351
00:18:38.510 --> 00:18:39.950
because we need to know the world

352
00:18:39.950 --> 00:18:41.313
in order to change it.

353
00:18:42.700 --> 00:18:45.910
What better person to talk to about knowing the world

354
00:18:45.910 --> 00:18:48.733
than someone who routinely sees it from above?

355
00:18:50.970 --> 00:18:52.130
I\'m Anita Sengupta.

356
00:18:52.130 --> 00:18:53.860
I\'m an aerospace engineer by training

357
00:18:53.860 --> 00:18:56.966
and I work at NASA\'s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

358
00:18:56.966 --> 00:19:00.340
My initial expertise and what my PhD thesis work in

359
00:19:00.340 --> 00:19:03.853
is plasma propulsion systems or electric propulsion systems.

360
00:19:08.300 --> 00:19:10.980
My motivation for becoming an aerospace engineer

361
00:19:10.980 --> 00:19:13.990
is very much related to my exposure to science fiction

362
00:19:13.990 --> 00:19:15.233
as a small child.

363
00:19:16.271 --> 00:19:19.570
My father actually was a mechanical engineer as well.

364
00:19:19.570 --> 00:19:21.810
He and I would watch reruns of Star Trek,

365
00:19:21.810 --> 00:19:23.140
the original series, together,

366
00:19:23.140 --> 00:19:24.740
and I absolutely loved it.

367
00:19:24.740 --> 00:19:27.520
So I just loved the concept of space travel

368
00:19:27.520 --> 00:19:29.410
and loved the concept of alien civilizations,

369
00:19:29.410 --> 00:19:32.780
I love sort of the utopian society that is Star Trek,

370
00:19:32.780 --> 00:19:34.500
where everyone from different races,

371
00:19:34.500 --> 00:19:36.960
quite literally alien races, were getting together,

372
00:19:36.960 --> 00:19:39.540
getting along, and exploring the universe.

373
00:19:39.540 --> 00:19:41.530
I in particular loved Spock

374
00:19:41.530 --> 00:19:43.580
because he was a scientist and so logical.

375
00:19:43.580 --> 00:19:44.890
I loved the doctor character

376
00:19:44.890 --> 00:19:46.840
because he was an expert at everything.

377
00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:51.550
So every year I go to the Gallifrey One convention.

378
00:19:51.550 --> 00:19:52.880
It\'s basically where you get together

379
00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:53.800
with a bunch of other people

380
00:19:53.800 --> 00:19:55.900
who are super big fans of Doctor Who.

381
00:19:55.900 --> 00:19:57.613
And then most people dress up.

382
00:19:58.650 --> 00:20:00.920
So one year I dressed up as a David Tennant Doctor.

383
00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:02.820
But I dress up as a female version of David Tennant.

384
00:20:02.820 --> 00:20:04.610
So instead of wearing the pinstriped suit,

385
00:20:04.610 --> 00:20:05.910
I wear a pinstriped dress.

386
00:20:07.290 --> 00:20:09.223
I love going to the technical details.

387
00:20:10.950 --> 00:20:12.850
I love the fundamental physics behind things.

388
00:20:12.850 --> 00:20:14.330
So I\'m very much a geek.

389
00:20:14.330 --> 00:20:18.065
So it\'s more about who you are in your head

390
00:20:18.065 --> 00:20:18.898
as to whether you\'re a geek,

391
00:20:18.898 --> 00:20:21.050
as opposed to how you look from the outside.

392
00:20:21.050 --> 00:20:22.340
I think that\'s important to realize,

393
00:20:22.340 --> 00:20:23.850
it\'s how you think, it\'s what you\'re interested in

394
00:20:23.850 --> 00:20:26.300
is what makes you sort of a geek type person

395
00:20:26.300 --> 00:20:28.100
as opposed to looking a certain way.

396
00:20:28.944 --> 00:20:31.694
(cheerful music)

397
00:21:14.550 --> 00:21:17.660
I think I probably became interested

398
00:21:17.660 --> 00:21:19.280
in video game collecting

399
00:21:20.810 --> 00:21:22.500
I guess maybe right out of college.

400
00:21:22.500 --> 00:21:25.180
I\'d been kind of interested in playing around with games

401
00:21:25.180 --> 00:21:26.411
and hacking them.

402
00:21:26.411 --> 00:21:29.563
I\'d done some NES hacking as a teenagers.

403
00:21:31.380 --> 00:21:34.010
Part of the difficulty with identity

404
00:21:34.010 --> 00:21:36.020
and these terms is, like,

405
00:21:36.020 --> 00:21:39.580
a lot of how we build our identities

406
00:21:39.580 --> 00:21:42.870
is centered around products, products that we buy

407
00:21:42.870 --> 00:21:46.270
and thing that we wear and movies we go see.

408
00:21:46.270 --> 00:21:48.350
They\'re defined by stuff.

409
00:21:48.350 --> 00:21:52.570
And stuff isn\'t meant to be nuanced and personal.

410
00:21:52.570 --> 00:21:55.130
It\'s meant to appeal to a lot of people.

411
00:21:55.130 --> 00:22:00.130
So when we define our lives by stuff, it\'s incomplete.

412
00:22:00.700 --> 00:22:02.090
I certainly try to make it a practice

413
00:22:02.090 --> 00:22:04.280
to not define myself by stuff.

414
00:22:04.280 --> 00:22:06.570
And I think as someone who care a lot

415
00:22:06.570 --> 00:22:07.740
about the environment,

416
00:22:07.740 --> 00:22:11.120
I also don\'t wanna have too much stuff.

417
00:22:11.120 --> 00:22:14.750
I don\'t want to define myself by buying stuff

418
00:22:14.750 --> 00:22:16.343
that I maybe don\'t need.

419
00:22:19.220 --> 00:22:20.360
Funny that I should say that

420
00:22:20.360 --> 00:22:23.040
as someone who owns several hundred video games.

421
00:22:23.040 --> 00:22:24.620
I\'m aware of the irony.

422
00:22:24.620 --> 00:22:26.120
But, you know, they\'re reclaimed.

423
00:22:26.120 --> 00:22:28.290
It\'s not like they\'re new items, right?

424
00:22:28.290 --> 00:22:31.560
I\'m, like, in a way recycling them for a better purpose

425
00:22:31.560 --> 00:22:33.740
so I feel okay about that.

426
00:22:33.740 --> 00:22:37.063
Better that they go in my collection than into a landfill.

427
00:22:37.970 --> 00:22:40.220
It\'s becoming part of pop culture.

428
00:22:40.220 --> 00:22:42.610
People have been able to commodify it heavily

429
00:22:42.610 --> 00:22:46.500
by way of selling movie tickets with these superhero films,

430
00:22:46.500 --> 00:22:49.220
by having these conventions,

431
00:22:49.220 --> 00:22:52.880
gaming summits, technology summits.

432
00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:54.300
I think that these are things

433
00:22:54.300 --> 00:22:58.650
that people are actually bringing in a large following

434
00:22:58.650 --> 00:23:02.000
and creating a brand off of, marketing it.

435
00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:06.058
So there\'s a large capital market

436
00:23:06.058 --> 00:23:08.920
for all things that are related to geek culture.

437
00:23:08.920 --> 00:23:11.337
(soft music)

438
00:23:23.680 --> 00:23:26.060
Love Love Hill was started in 2010,

439
00:23:26.060 --> 00:23:28.360
but it was just kind of a means to an end,

440
00:23:28.360 --> 00:23:29.470
because we all wanted to go

441
00:23:29.470 --> 00:23:31.030
to the Toronto Comic Arts Festival,

442
00:23:31.030 --> 00:23:32.330
which is a curated festival

443
00:23:32.330 --> 00:23:34.430
and people get chosen to be in every year.

444
00:23:35.340 --> 00:23:37.330
And TCAF is a really great show

445
00:23:37.330 --> 00:23:40.120
and has a focus, I think, on a diversity

446
00:23:40.120 --> 00:23:42.363
of what comics is and what it means.

447
00:23:43.210 --> 00:23:44.950
I don\'t wanna say it\'s a non-commercial show

448
00:23:44.950 --> 00:23:46.290
because it\'s actually probably the show

449
00:23:46.290 --> 00:23:48.050
that I sell the best at.

450
00:23:48.050 --> 00:23:51.093
But it does treat comics like art.

451
00:23:52.530 --> 00:23:54.470
These are the anthologies that we made.

452
00:23:54.470 --> 00:23:56.350
I actually silk screened all of these covers.

453
00:23:56.350 --> 00:23:57.940
These are some of the old ones.

454
00:23:57.940 --> 00:24:01.270
These, I think, are the thing that really put us on the map

455
00:24:01.270 --> 00:24:03.850
at the very beginning, our Glasses books.

456
00:24:03.850 --> 00:24:06.580
So my friends did a Glasses book that\'s a BL,

457
00:24:06.580 --> 00:24:08.060
like a Boys Love Glasses book.

458
00:24:08.060 --> 00:24:13.060
So it\'s boys in love with boys with glasses.

459
00:24:13.860 --> 00:24:17.223
And that was the theme of Saisons des Lunettes.

460
00:24:18.860 --> 00:24:22.283
Fujo Sports, the name comes from that background.

461
00:24:23.166 --> 00:24:26.210
There\'s a term in Japanese called Fujoshi.

462
00:24:26.210 --> 00:24:29.270
Fu is, like, rotten and joshi is girl.

463
00:24:29.270 --> 00:24:31.680
And it\'s kind of right now, kind of parallel

464
00:24:31.680 --> 00:24:34.340
to the word otaku, which people know really well,

465
00:24:34.340 --> 00:24:36.610
which is just a way to describe a nerd,

466
00:24:36.610 --> 00:24:39.393
any kind of nerd, not even necessarily

467
00:24:39.393 --> 00:24:41.250
like a comics nerd or something like that,

468
00:24:41.250 --> 00:24:43.710
but just people that are, like, pinpoint obsessed

469
00:24:43.710 --> 00:24:45.230
with whatever they\'re into,

470
00:24:45.230 --> 00:24:47.923
in a way that also makes them, like, socially inept.

471
00:24:49.250 --> 00:24:53.060
Fujoshi is specifically referring to girls that are rotten,

472
00:24:53.060 --> 00:24:57.790
who are basically (chuckles) unfit for society now

473
00:24:57.790 --> 00:25:00.330
because they\'re so obsessed with, like,

474
00:25:00.330 --> 00:25:03.980
men on men whatever, like, their comics.

475
00:25:03.980 --> 00:25:05.373
\'Cause it\'s not all porn.

476
00:25:06.410 --> 00:25:07.960
A lot of it is porn.

477
00:25:07.960 --> 00:25:09.760
But I think that there\'s also, like,

478
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:14.750
torrid, you know, Victorian love stories

479
00:25:14.750 --> 00:25:15.600
and things like that

480
00:25:15.600 --> 00:25:17.480
that become more titillating or more exciting

481
00:25:17.480 --> 00:25:20.247
because, you know, \"Oh, we\'re both men.

482
00:25:20.247 --> 00:25:23.993
\"It\'s forbidden,\" kind of like backside story to it.

483
00:25:25.270 --> 00:25:28.880
Our theme is male-objectifying sports comics.

484
00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:30.980
Sports manga is like a really big thing,

485
00:25:30.980 --> 00:25:34.180
and actually a lot of women read sports manga,

486
00:25:34.180 --> 00:25:36.020
even though there\'s, like, no women,

487
00:25:36.020 --> 00:25:38.270
other, like, women characteristics or whatever,

488
00:25:38.270 --> 00:25:40.790
because there\'s good-looking boys in there.

489
00:25:40.790 --> 00:25:42.980
And women are just as thirsty as men are

490
00:25:42.980 --> 00:25:43.830
for other comics.

491
00:25:45.265 --> 00:25:47.682
(soft music)

492
00:25:52.670 --> 00:25:53.810
The subtext there is, like,

493
00:25:53.810 --> 00:25:55.450
you\'re always looking for something

494
00:25:55.450 --> 00:25:57.480
that\'s kind of sexual,

495
00:25:57.480 --> 00:26:00.710
you\'re always looking for, like, men on men

496
00:26:00.710 --> 00:26:02.970
sexual subtext in everything

497
00:26:02.970 --> 00:26:06.490
so you can get that out of, like, Batman and Superman,

498
00:26:06.490 --> 00:26:10.260
or, like, oh, the Avengers. (laughs)

499
00:26:10.260 --> 00:26:12.750
That whole side of things isn\'t even specifically,

500
00:26:12.750 --> 00:26:14.800
like, Japanese or anything that comes out of that.

501
00:26:14.800 --> 00:26:17.690
That\'s just this weird social phenomenon

502
00:26:17.690 --> 00:26:22.320
that comes out of just being a hot-blooded girl

503
00:26:22.320 --> 00:26:24.650
in a boy\'s world. (chuckles)

504
00:26:24.650 --> 00:26:26.401
You take advantage.

505
00:26:26.401 --> 00:26:28.485
(laughs)

506
00:26:28.485 --> 00:26:30.902
(soft music)

507
00:26:34.832 --> 00:26:38.130
(people chattering)

508
00:26:38.130 --> 00:26:41.160
Comic Market is overwhelming.

509
00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:43.233
I have never seen so many people.

510
00:26:44.070 --> 00:26:47.320
The crowd lifted my camera and I off the ground.

511
00:26:47.320 --> 00:26:50.820
It carried me away with the passion of a rock concert.

512
00:26:50.820 --> 00:26:53.053
But this was an otaku convention.

513
00:26:56.454 --> 00:26:58.620
Otaku is the word Japanese people use

514
00:26:58.620 --> 00:27:00.433
to refer to the extreme form of geekiness.

515
00:27:01.960 --> 00:27:04.553
To some extent, we are all geeks or otaku.

516
00:27:05.420 --> 00:27:07.740
Each individual has their geek moments,

517
00:27:07.740 --> 00:27:09.590
when buying a movie poster,

518
00:27:09.590 --> 00:27:12.360
setting a custom ringtone on their phones,

519
00:27:12.360 --> 00:27:15.110
or purchasing character-based goods.

520
00:27:15.110 --> 00:27:18.313
All of us are geeks for something in some small way.

521
00:27:21.050 --> 00:27:24.560
Otaku, however, stand on the other end of the spectrum.

522
00:27:24.560 --> 00:27:27.660
As a group, their economic and cultural power

523
00:27:27.660 --> 00:27:30.140
is constantly underestimated.

524
00:27:30.140 --> 00:27:31.870
They don\'t just buy things.

525
00:27:31.870 --> 00:27:33.510
They shape them.

526
00:27:33.510 --> 00:27:35.570
Their participation has given rise

527
00:27:35.570 --> 00:27:37.600
to entire media empires

528
00:27:37.600 --> 00:27:39.840
based on a shared love for characters

529
00:27:39.840 --> 00:27:42.933
such as Pikachu or Sailor Moon.

530
00:27:42.933 --> 00:27:45.766
(whimsical music)

531
00:28:28.804 --> 00:28:32.540
(girls chattering softly)

532
00:28:32.540 --> 00:28:33.853
Who are these people?

533
00:28:34.810 --> 00:28:36.163
No real names.

534
00:28:37.610 --> 00:28:40.450
They are all hiding their true identities,

535
00:28:40.450 --> 00:28:42.743
from themselves and from others.

536
00:28:44.200 --> 00:28:46.250
Nicknames and costumes,

537
00:28:46.250 --> 00:28:48.093
masks and code words.

538
00:28:49.300 --> 00:28:51.990
It took me two years to find someone in Japan

539
00:28:51.990 --> 00:28:54.833
who\'d tell me about their experience as an otaku.

540
00:28:56.350 --> 00:28:57.623
Why are they hiding?

541
00:28:59.460 --> 00:29:01.570
The people I talked to often said

542
00:29:01.570 --> 00:29:04.290
that nobody knows that they are otaku.

543
00:29:04.290 --> 00:29:07.363
To admit as much would be social suicide in Japan.

544
00:29:09.348 --> 00:29:12.848
(speaks foreign language)

545
00:29:23.828 --> 00:29:25.578
Meet Alice and Meeee.

546
00:29:27.550 --> 00:29:29.130
These are not their real names.

547
00:29:29.130 --> 00:29:30.980
But together they mustered up the courage

548
00:29:30.980 --> 00:29:32.253
to give me an interview.

549
00:29:33.260 --> 00:29:35.210
Alice tells me that although she always

550
00:29:35.210 --> 00:29:37.400
liked to play games and draw manga,

551
00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:40.540
in junior high school she saw that people like herself

552
00:29:40.540 --> 00:29:43.473
were humiliated and called disgusting.

553
00:29:43.473 --> 00:29:45.769
(speaks foreign language)

554
00:29:45.769 --> 00:29:49.320
At that point, she realized she was an otaku.

555
00:29:49.320 --> 00:29:51.173
But she decided to hide.

556
00:29:51.173 --> 00:29:54.673
(speaks foreign language)

557
00:29:58.201 --> 00:30:02.201
(Alice speaks foreign language)

558
00:30:08.840 --> 00:30:11.460
Alice says this separation of her real

559
00:30:11.460 --> 00:30:14.650
and online identity is uncomfortable.

560
00:30:14.650 --> 00:30:18.530
But just like her, many people hide their otaku identities,

561
00:30:18.530 --> 00:30:20.383
even from friends and family.

562
00:30:21.670 --> 00:30:25.993
Fake names, double accounts, blurred faces.

563
00:30:27.153 --> 00:30:30.653
(speaks foreign language)

564
00:30:34.437 --> 00:30:36.854
(Soft music)

565
00:30:50.870 --> 00:30:52.177
My family knows that I do these things,

566
00:30:52.177 --> 00:30:53.960
not my extended family.

567
00:30:53.960 --> 00:30:56.610
My direct family, my close friends, too.

568
00:30:56.610 --> 00:30:58.580
So they know I\'m all into conventions,

569
00:30:58.580 --> 00:31:01.240
dressing weird, witchcraft, all that stuff,

570
00:31:01.240 --> 00:31:03.678
you know, like my big fandoms.

571
00:31:03.678 --> 00:31:05.278
At work, they don\'t really know.

572
00:31:06.940 --> 00:31:10.157
Basically what I do is that I just tell them,

573
00:31:10.157 --> 00:31:13.020
\"Oh yeah, I\'m going to an event,\" if they ask.

574
00:31:13.020 --> 00:31:15.580
I never give details and I\'d never reveal

575
00:31:15.580 --> 00:31:16.483
actually what I\'m doing.

576
00:31:16.483 --> 00:31:18.383
I just say I\'m going out with friends.

577
00:31:19.400 --> 00:31:21.430
I\'ve worked in several different jobs.

578
00:31:21.430 --> 00:31:24.370
I\'ve been a programmer, a programmer analyst,

579
00:31:24.370 --> 00:31:26.640
and now I\'m a data analyst.

580
00:31:26.640 --> 00:31:28.110
I do think people would be shocked

581
00:31:28.110 --> 00:31:32.090
and kind of weirded out that I wear these costumes.

582
00:31:32.090 --> 00:31:32.923
And I say costume

583
00:31:32.923 --> 00:31:35.170
because I don\'t consider them to be costumes,

584
00:31:35.170 --> 00:31:37.323
but I know a lot of people do.

585
00:31:38.770 --> 00:31:40.120
That\'s also the reason why I don\'t wear it

586
00:31:40.120 --> 00:31:42.440
in the boardroom and things like that,

587
00:31:42.440 --> 00:31:46.010
because I mean, it would impact my credibility.

588
00:31:46.010 --> 00:31:48.330
People would think just because I like dressing this way

589
00:31:48.330 --> 00:31:50.220
or just because I believe these things

590
00:31:50.220 --> 00:31:51.940
that I\'m some kind of weirdo

591
00:31:51.940 --> 00:31:56.940
and that I can\'t do my job properly,

592
00:31:57.240 --> 00:31:59.690
I probably have weird ways of thinking,

593
00:31:59.690 --> 00:32:01.360
and I don\'t want that to happen.

594
00:32:01.360 --> 00:32:03.570
So I keep my professional life

595
00:32:03.570 --> 00:32:05.410
and my private life very separate.

596
00:32:05.410 --> 00:32:08.350
So yes, I do have to live a kind of double life.

597
00:32:08.350 --> 00:32:10.180
Obviously I can\'t wear that to work.

598
00:32:10.180 --> 00:32:13.253
So this is an example of something I cannot wear.

599
00:32:16.110 --> 00:32:17.653
This is something I can wear.

600
00:32:19.540 --> 00:32:22.750
Generally speaking, I had really great experiences

601
00:32:22.750 --> 00:32:24.270
working in the tech industry.

602
00:32:24.270 --> 00:32:28.640
But the thing is, I\'ve seen some sexist attitudes.

603
00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:31.940
Then I went into software engineering in university.

604
00:32:31.940 --> 00:32:33.790
And that\'s where I started noticing

605
00:32:33.790 --> 00:32:35.170
that something was weird.

606
00:32:35.170 --> 00:32:38.810
And then I got into the IT security department

607
00:32:38.810 --> 00:32:40.263
in a big accounting firm.

608
00:32:41.691 --> 00:32:45.020
That\'s where I got my first sexual harassment experience.

609
00:32:45.020 --> 00:32:48.470
It wasn\'t fun, it wasn\'t cool.

610
00:32:48.470 --> 00:32:50.010
And it was very gross.

611
00:32:50.010 --> 00:32:52.150
And it told my superiors.

612
00:32:52.150 --> 00:32:54.440
And he didn\'t get any ramifications.

613
00:32:54.440 --> 00:32:57.550
And people knew that he did this to women.

614
00:32:57.550 --> 00:33:00.163
It was known, and he kept his job.

615
00:33:01.230 --> 00:33:02.943
It made me so uncomfortable.

616
00:33:04.290 --> 00:33:07.750
And they told me there was nothing they could do.

617
00:33:07.750 --> 00:33:08.683
So I left.

618
00:33:11.710 --> 00:33:15.035
(speaks indistinctly)

619
00:33:15.035 --> 00:33:17.452
(soft music)

620
00:33:41.623 --> 00:33:44.623
(people chattering)

621
00:34:19.873 --> 00:34:20.706
Growing up,

622
00:34:20.706 --> 00:34:22.800
I didn\'t have a word for geek.

623
00:34:22.800 --> 00:34:24.300
I think a word would have helped me

624
00:34:24.300 --> 00:34:25.900
to stand behind something,

625
00:34:25.900 --> 00:34:28.290
to instantiate my identity,

626
00:34:28.290 --> 00:34:30.183
to feel I was part of a community,

627
00:34:31.190 --> 00:34:33.323
I wasn\'t alone in being different.

628
00:34:34.540 --> 00:34:37.320
In a sense, it\'s a tool of validation.

629
00:34:37.320 --> 00:34:39.190
Entering into the secret society

630
00:34:39.190 --> 00:34:42.333
helps to ease one\'s exclusion from wider society.

631
00:34:43.630 --> 00:34:45.610
But I wasn\'t welcome.

632
00:34:45.610 --> 00:34:48.240
At first I didn\'t know why.

633
00:34:48.240 --> 00:34:51.963
Then I heard my story echoed by others, women.

634
00:34:53.280 --> 00:34:56.790
I came to recognize elements of my own experience,

635
00:34:56.790 --> 00:34:59.383
to see my own struggles reflected in theirs.

636
00:35:00.340 --> 00:35:02.570
Hearing about their passions, desires,

637
00:35:02.570 --> 00:35:06.010
hopes and anxieties made me realize

638
00:35:06.010 --> 00:35:09.150
that, rather than welcoming and supporting women,

639
00:35:09.150 --> 00:35:11.060
the geek community had reproduced

640
00:35:11.060 --> 00:35:13.440
the isolation that defined it

641
00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:16.638
by ostracizing female geeks in turn.

642
00:35:16.638 --> 00:35:18.490
(people chattering)

643
00:35:18.490 --> 00:35:20.420
If you let yourself be defined

644
00:35:20.420 --> 00:35:23.080
by those who have excluded you,

645
00:35:23.080 --> 00:35:26.293
are you not then fated to exclude others?

646
00:35:26.293 --> 00:35:29.293
(people chattering)

647
00:35:36.510 --> 00:35:38.670
It\'s interesting that the same people

648
00:35:38.670 --> 00:35:42.250
that felt like they were marginalized

649
00:35:42.250 --> 00:35:44.280
and felt like they were outcast

650
00:35:44.280 --> 00:35:47.093
and felt like they were not a part of,

651
00:35:48.740 --> 00:35:52.230
or didn\'t feel like they were being accepted,

652
00:35:52.230 --> 00:35:54.750
are projecting those same attitudes

653
00:35:54.750 --> 00:35:57.223
towards people of color and women.

654
00:35:58.380 --> 00:36:01.090
But again, I think for a lot of these,

655
00:36:01.090 --> 00:36:02.890
usually it\'s white males,

656
00:36:02.890 --> 00:36:05.010
there\'s a sense of entitlement

657
00:36:05.010 --> 00:36:09.740
with having ownership over these geek and nerd spaces.

658
00:36:09.740 --> 00:36:12.650
They feel like something is being taken away from them

659
00:36:12.650 --> 00:36:15.840
because now the white male superhero

660
00:36:15.840 --> 00:36:20.824
is kind of not being as prominent as it used to be.

661
00:36:20.824 --> 00:36:23.574
(dramatic music)

662
00:36:26.150 --> 00:36:27.530
But it was funny \'cause I wasn\'t allowed

663
00:36:27.530 --> 00:36:29.100
any of the toys or action figures

664
00:36:29.100 --> 00:36:30.830
\'cause they came with guns.

665
00:36:30.830 --> 00:36:33.390
And my parents, for some reason, had decided

666
00:36:33.390 --> 00:36:35.100
to take a stand on that,

667
00:36:35.100 --> 00:36:37.730
which I guess was easier for them to enforce in their brains

668
00:36:37.730 --> 00:36:39.160
\'cause I was a girl,

669
00:36:39.160 --> 00:36:42.500
whereas my brother had every fricking Ninja Turtle

670
00:36:42.500 --> 00:36:45.450
with every weapon you can imagine,

671
00:36:45.450 --> 00:36:48.460
and, you know, he was more aggressive.

672
00:36:48.460 --> 00:36:50.863
It was still seen as very male.

673
00:36:51.770 --> 00:36:54.710
So I think for a lot of people of my generation,

674
00:36:54.710 --> 00:36:58.570
especially, like, especially something like comic books

675
00:36:58.570 --> 00:37:01.460
were, like, you know, it really was the stereotype

676
00:37:01.460 --> 00:37:03.670
of the big, fat gatekeeper dude,

677
00:37:03.670 --> 00:37:07.973
like, you know, looking down his nose at you and stuff.

678
00:37:09.070 --> 00:37:11.020
You kinda had to get initiated into it

679
00:37:11.020 --> 00:37:14.963
by either a father or a brother or a boyfriend or something.

680
00:37:16.070 --> 00:37:18.490
I post vegan recipes, I post pictures of cats,

681
00:37:18.490 --> 00:37:21.810
but I also do it from the perspective

682
00:37:21.810 --> 00:37:25.760
of a feminist female who has an opinion about these things

683
00:37:25.760 --> 00:37:28.160
and wants to empower other people

684
00:37:28.160 --> 00:37:29.360
to have opinions, too.

685
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:32.640
And so, yeah, I\'m a gamer if I say I\'m a gamer.

686
00:37:32.640 --> 00:37:36.793
You know, the type of games I play don\'t matter.

687
00:37:37.970 --> 00:37:39.810
It\'s up to me to identify with,

688
00:37:39.810 --> 00:37:43.573
as that is not up to you, to, like, give me a quiz.

689
00:37:44.970 --> 00:37:46.150
We\'re still trying to shake off

690
00:37:46.150 --> 00:37:49.770
all the stereotypes and imagery about being a geek.

691
00:37:49.770 --> 00:37:53.070
But it\'s changing little bit by little bit.

692
00:37:53.070 --> 00:37:55.740
Like, the advent of mobile games,

693
00:37:55.740 --> 00:37:57.080
where everybody\'s playing games now.

694
00:37:57.080 --> 00:38:00.328
So everybody\'s secretly becoming a geek.

695
00:38:00.328 --> 00:38:02.260
(laughs)

696
00:38:02.260 --> 00:38:04.060
Whenever there\'s this women\'s statistics,

697
00:38:04.060 --> 00:38:05.760
like, the amount of women who play games,

698
00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:07.890
I think we\'re at, like, 54% now,

699
00:38:07.890 --> 00:38:09.570
women who play games.

700
00:38:09.570 --> 00:38:11.697
And they\'re, like, \"Oh well, they don\'t count

701
00:38:11.697 --> 00:38:13.340
\"because women just play mobile games.\"

702
00:38:13.340 --> 00:38:17.500
Like, no, they are literally playing games,

703
00:38:17.500 --> 00:38:19.203
so they literally count.

704
00:38:20.999 --> 00:38:21.968
(sighs)
Games are games, right?

705
00:38:21.968 --> 00:38:23.920
Games are games.

706
00:38:23.920 --> 00:38:25.700
It\'s okay if you don\'t wanna be like a gamer

707
00:38:25.700 --> 00:38:27.460
or you don\'t wanna be a player,

708
00:38:27.460 --> 00:38:29.800
or you don\'t want any of those identities.

709
00:38:29.800 --> 00:38:32.226
But you are playing games.

710
00:38:32.226 --> 00:38:35.893
(cheerful electronic music)

711
00:38:39.570 --> 00:38:42.090
The concept of fake geek girl is something

712
00:38:42.090 --> 00:38:46.410
that I haven\'t encountered too much.

713
00:38:46.410 --> 00:38:48.570
But I\'ve encountered a version of it,

714
00:38:48.570 --> 00:38:51.230
which is that I don\'t actually create the work

715
00:38:51.230 --> 00:38:52.970
that I say I do.

716
00:38:52.970 --> 00:38:56.060
That\'s probably been the biggest,

717
00:38:56.060 --> 00:38:58.660
my biggest sort of encounter with fake geek girl is,

718
00:39:00.110 --> 00:39:03.510
if I make work or put out source code or something,

719
00:39:03.510 --> 00:39:05.437
I\'ve certainly had people say,

720
00:39:05.437 --> 00:39:07.530
\"Who programmed this for you,\"

721
00:39:07.530 --> 00:39:08.647
or, \"who made this?\"

722
00:39:10.450 --> 00:39:13.440
Often my authorship is called into question

723
00:39:13.440 --> 00:39:14.833
if my gender is known.

724
00:39:16.250 --> 00:39:18.270
It could be that some people have actually

725
00:39:18.270 --> 00:39:20.850
never met a woman who\'s a programmer.

726
00:39:20.850 --> 00:39:23.290
Like, they just legitimately haven\'t.

727
00:39:23.290 --> 00:39:24.870
And I think in the way, like,

728
00:39:24.870 --> 00:39:27.480
I try to get into their shoes more (chuckles)

729
00:39:27.480 --> 00:39:31.867
and say, \"Oh, you know, I understand if you\'re a programmer

730
00:39:31.867 --> 00:39:35.406
\"and everyone you\'ve ever worked with was a guy,

731
00:39:35.406 --> 00:39:38.047
\"you might just genuinely be confused.

732
00:39:38.047 --> 00:39:40.557
\"You\'re not trying to hurt my feelings.

733
00:39:40.557 --> 00:39:44.100
\"You might just have made a quick assumption.\"

734
00:39:44.100 --> 00:39:47.276
And everybody makes quick assumptions all the time.

735
00:39:47.276 --> 00:39:49.859
(lively music)

736
00:39:56.452 --> 00:40:00.119
(games beeping and chiming)

737
00:40:14.811 --> 00:40:17.561
(dramatic music)

738
00:40:20.120 --> 00:40:23.787
(games beeping and chiming)

739
00:40:25.190 --> 00:40:26.550
Right around college time or a little bit

740
00:40:26.550 --> 00:40:28.250
maybe after I graduated, I became interested

741
00:40:28.250 --> 00:40:30.440
in collecting culture,

742
00:40:30.440 --> 00:40:33.230
sort of the communities of people who decided

743
00:40:33.230 --> 00:40:34.950
how much certain games were worth

744
00:40:34.950 --> 00:40:36.863
and which ones were the rare ones.

745
00:40:37.987 --> 00:40:40.010
I saw that a lot of girlie games

746
00:40:40.010 --> 00:40:43.850
actually weren\'t present in games databases,

747
00:40:43.850 --> 00:40:46.420
and people didn\'t really know that much about them.

748
00:40:46.420 --> 00:40:48.390
My whole childhood was marked by, like,

749
00:40:48.390 --> 00:40:51.800
Barbies and Ninja Turtles, and they would play together.

750
00:40:51.800 --> 00:40:54.490
We\'d pile everyone into the pink Corvette

751
00:40:54.490 --> 00:40:59.490
and I was hugely into football card collecting

752
00:41:00.570 --> 00:41:03.760
and I guess a lot of boy toys as well.

753
00:41:03.760 --> 00:41:08.440
But yeah, I think that was like a, I liked both.

754
00:41:08.440 --> 00:41:09.380
I liked both a lot,

755
00:41:09.380 --> 00:41:11.150
so the boyish stuff and the girlish stuff.

756
00:41:11.150 --> 00:41:12.500
And then I grew up and I saw

757
00:41:12.500 --> 00:41:14.700
only one of those things was valued,

758
00:41:14.700 --> 00:41:17.070
as like a, from a collector\'s perspective

759
00:41:17.070 --> 00:41:19.303
and sort of a cultural perspective.

760
00:41:21.700 --> 00:41:24.710
I have maybe like a larger than average collection

761
00:41:24.710 --> 00:41:28.650
of books about Barbie Doll collecting.

762
00:41:28.650 --> 00:41:29.690
I\'m really interested in Barbie

763
00:41:29.690 --> 00:41:32.490
\'cause I feel like it\'s one of the few girl toys

764
00:41:32.490 --> 00:41:35.490
that has a really serious collector culture around it

765
00:41:35.490 --> 00:41:38.360
and something that parallels probably, like,

766
00:41:38.360 --> 00:41:40.960
serious video games collecting culture,

767
00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:42.410
where it\'s, like, oh, okay.

768
00:41:42.410 --> 00:41:45.040
This item came out in this year.

769
00:41:45.040 --> 00:41:47.340
It sold, retailed for this much.

770
00:41:47.340 --> 00:41:49.960
Like, there\'s a really interesting collecting culture

771
00:41:49.960 --> 00:41:51.770
that\'s nucleated around it.

772
00:41:51.770 --> 00:41:54.620
A lot of times we don\'t keep it

773
00:41:54.620 --> 00:41:56.310
at the forefront of our minds

774
00:41:56.310 --> 00:41:59.010
\'cause we kind of, \"Ooh, Barbie stuff, that\'s embarrassing.\"

775
00:41:59.010 --> 00:42:00.980
We push it, (chuckles) push it away,

776
00:42:00.980 --> 00:42:02.343
push it out of our minds.

777
00:42:03.800 --> 00:42:06.660
And there\'s something really interesting in that act.

778
00:42:06.660 --> 00:42:08.847
And so I wanna actually dredge all that stuff up

779
00:42:08.847 --> 00:42:10.690
(chuckles) and say, \"Let\'s talk about that, actually.\"

780
00:42:10.690 --> 00:42:11.690
Kind of interesting.

781
00:42:13.050 --> 00:42:18.050
That\'s great, also some CD-ROMs and,

782
00:42:18.250 --> 00:42:23.250
not to be outdone, Barbie also has a computer periodical.

783
00:42:23.510 --> 00:42:24.343
Oh my God.

784
00:42:24.343 --> 00:42:28.263
Couple issues of Barbie\'s computer magazine.

785
00:42:31.770 --> 00:42:33.393
Some good glitch art, I like it.

786
00:42:39.493 --> 00:42:40.326
And you should also question

787
00:42:40.326 --> 00:42:44.670
whether every stereotype about femininity is bad.

788
00:42:44.670 --> 00:42:46.690
I don\'t think it is.

789
00:42:46.690 --> 00:42:48.800
Are a lot of Barbie video games about shopping?

790
00:42:48.800 --> 00:42:49.730
Yes.

791
00:42:49.730 --> 00:42:53.714
But a lot of games about G.I. Joe are about murder,

792
00:42:53.714 --> 00:42:54.590
(chuckles) killing people.

793
00:42:54.590 --> 00:42:56.330
And I think if I had to choose between the two,

794
00:42:56.330 --> 00:42:58.032
I would probably choose shopping.

795
00:42:58.032 --> 00:43:01.282
(gentle chiming music)

796
00:43:02.140 --> 00:43:02.973
Hairdo, hairdo.

797
00:43:04.127 --> 00:43:06.831
Aw, that\'s so cute!

798
00:43:06.831 --> 00:43:09.393
(violent swooshing)

799
00:43:09.393 --> 00:43:13.400
Oh shit, (exclaims indistinctly)!

800
00:43:13.400 --> 00:43:17.280
All righty, guys, watch this.

801
00:43:17.280 --> 00:43:19.210
When I win this sunrise, easy.
(guns blasting)

802
00:43:19.210 --> 00:43:20.043
No!

803
00:43:21.250 --> 00:43:22.950
There\'s one guy on their team.

804
00:43:22.950 --> 00:43:24.442
This guy keeps killing me!

805
00:43:24.442 --> 00:43:25.791
(guns blast and chatter)

806
00:43:25.791 --> 00:43:28.573
I\'m still ahead, but not for long.

807
00:43:29.770 --> 00:43:32.759
(game characters speak indistinctly)

808
00:43:32.759 --> 00:43:33.788
(gun blasts repeatedly)

809
00:43:33.788 --> 00:43:36.337
I think the legalism (mumbles) I hate the most.

810
00:43:37.504 --> 00:43:39.782
(drowned out by gun blasting)

811
00:43:39.782 --> 00:43:40.615
No!

812
00:43:42.077 --> 00:43:43.373
Oh fuck!

813
00:43:44.890 --> 00:43:46.580
Ah, that was fail.

814
00:43:46.580 --> 00:43:48.933
I\'m still ahead, still first.

815
00:43:51.040 --> 00:43:54.220
I won five Female World Cups in Counter-Strike

816
00:43:54.220 --> 00:43:55.580
in two different games

817
00:43:55.580 --> 00:43:59.383
over a long, like a 10-year span.

818
00:44:00.750 --> 00:44:04.990
I also, I\'m in the Forbes 30 under 30

819
00:44:04.990 --> 00:44:08.800
in the entertainment section for 2014.

820
00:44:08.800 --> 00:44:11.260
I won a couple medals from my university

821
00:44:11.260 --> 00:44:12.829
for live achievements.

822
00:44:12.829 --> 00:44:14.912
(laughs)

823
00:44:17.050 --> 00:44:19.810
I started playing at a local LAN centers,

824
00:44:19.810 --> 00:44:21.060
where I would meet all my friends

825
00:44:21.060 --> 00:44:22.780
and we\'d play together.

826
00:44:22.780 --> 00:44:26.280
Then eventually, like, two years in,

827
00:44:26.280 --> 00:44:27.717
I realized, \"Hey, I can maybe be

828
00:44:27.717 --> 00:44:30.022
\"one of the best female players.\"

829
00:44:30.022 --> 00:44:31.450
And then that\'s when everything started.

830
00:44:31.450 --> 00:44:34.160
That\'s when I made my team, I attended World Cups.

831
00:44:34.160 --> 00:44:37.733
Ah, fuck, Ron.

832
00:44:39.262 --> 00:44:42.012
(dramatic music)

833
00:44:44.210 --> 00:44:46.160
When I was growing up as a kid, like,

834
00:44:47.380 --> 00:44:49.460
I thought I was a tomboy

835
00:44:49.460 --> 00:44:53.110
because I would rather play with Star Wars figurines

836
00:44:53.110 --> 00:44:55.860
and Transformers than Barbies.

837
00:44:55.860 --> 00:44:58.480
But I still like wearing pretty dresses to parties.

838
00:44:58.480 --> 00:45:02.410
So it was a hard thing for me to kind of, like, reconcile.

839
00:45:02.410 --> 00:45:05.537
And I was, like, \"No, you like Legos and dinosaurs

840
00:45:05.537 --> 00:45:08.297
\"\'cause the Legos and dinosaurs are awesome.

841
00:45:08.297 --> 00:45:10.647
\"And, like, you get to wear pretty dresses.

842
00:45:10.647 --> 00:45:12.660
\"That\'s awesome, too.\"

843
00:45:12.660 --> 00:45:16.930
And also, being in the position with the blog

844
00:45:16.930 --> 00:45:18.830
and making a choice to be visible

845
00:45:18.830 --> 00:45:23.830
is that hopefully I can inspire other women and girls

846
00:45:24.090 --> 00:45:28.510
and the children of the women that I write for

847
00:45:28.510 --> 00:45:32.303
to embrace everything about themselves.

848
00:45:32.303 --> 00:45:34.720
(soft music)

849
00:45:43.770 --> 00:45:45.870
Where am I?

850
00:45:45.870 --> 00:45:47.370
At home?

851
00:45:47.370 --> 00:45:48.203
Never.

852
00:45:49.480 --> 00:45:53.460
My path is lined with barred doors and turned backs.

853
00:45:53.460 --> 00:45:55.120
Japan becomes the space where I,

854
00:45:55.120 --> 00:45:57.110
instead of doing interviews,

855
00:45:57.110 --> 00:45:58.960
I\'m forced to spend my days thinking

856
00:45:58.960 --> 00:46:00.853
about what it means to be a geek.

857
00:46:02.080 --> 00:46:04.830
It took me more than a decade to realize and admit

858
00:46:04.830 --> 00:46:05.983
that I am a geek.

859
00:46:07.090 --> 00:46:09.580
But alone in the crowds, I still feel

860
00:46:09.580 --> 00:46:11.733
like an outsider, an alien,

861
00:46:12.610 --> 00:46:15.143
an immigrant to the virtual lands of fandom,

862
00:46:16.740 --> 00:46:19.660
a woman in a world where men are heroes

863
00:46:19.660 --> 00:46:21.003
and women are maids.

864
00:46:23.290 --> 00:46:25.350
At every turn I\'m reminded

865
00:46:25.350 --> 00:46:27.503
that this place was not made for me.

866
00:46:28.439 --> 00:46:31.856
(fast, upbeat pop music)

867
00:46:36.537 --> 00:46:39.537
(people chattering)

868
00:46:45.259 --> 00:46:47.842
(gentle music)

869
00:47:05.010 --> 00:47:06.930
Geek culture, almost everything is male dominated.

870
00:47:06.930 --> 00:47:09.160
And cosplay\'s the one female dominated hobby.

871
00:47:09.160 --> 00:47:10.750
And I think because you have to put

872
00:47:10.750 --> 00:47:12.770
so much time and effort in,

873
00:47:12.770 --> 00:47:14.310
you\'re not gonna cosplay a character

874
00:47:14.310 --> 00:47:15.720
just for male attention.

875
00:47:15.720 --> 00:47:16.553
I mean, you might.

876
00:47:16.553 --> 00:47:18.130
And I\'m sure there\'s people that do.

877
00:47:18.130 --> 00:47:20.180
But it\'s like kinda a misconception

878
00:47:20.180 --> 00:47:23.183
that, like, oh, geek girls only cosplay for male attention.

879
00:47:23.183 --> 00:47:24.445
They\'re, like, they\'re not real geeks.

880
00:47:24.445 --> 00:47:26.330
They\'re just cosplaying to try to get men.

881
00:47:26.330 --> 00:47:28.127
And it\'s, like, \"No, I didn\'t put, like,

882
00:47:28.127 --> 00:47:29.837
\"hours of my life into this costume

883
00:47:29.837 --> 00:47:32.490
\"so that you could think I\'m pretty.\"

884
00:47:32.490 --> 00:47:34.310
The community is overall pretty accepting.

885
00:47:34.310 --> 00:47:36.700
I find that most of the people who are not accepting

886
00:47:36.700 --> 00:47:40.170
of different skin colors or different body types

887
00:47:40.170 --> 00:47:41.810
are people that don\'t cosplay,

888
00:47:41.810 --> 00:47:44.390
because the only feedback I\'ve ever gotten that\'s negative

889
00:47:44.390 --> 00:47:46.690
is from people that haven\'t ever put the effort in.

890
00:47:46.690 --> 00:47:47.870
And once you put the effort in,

891
00:47:47.870 --> 00:47:51.560
you know how long it takes to become that character,

892
00:47:51.560 --> 00:47:53.050
you\'re not gonna be mean to somebody

893
00:47:53.050 --> 00:47:54.500
for choosing to pick a character

894
00:47:54.500 --> 00:47:56.780
that doesn\'t have the same skin tone as them

895
00:47:56.780 --> 00:47:57.930
or something like that.

896
00:47:58.840 --> 00:48:01.570
Like, the only feedback I\'ve ever gotten is, like,

897
00:48:01.570 --> 00:48:03.630
that I\'m too fat to do certain characters.

898
00:48:03.630 --> 00:48:05.960
And, like, I always thought it would bother me.

899
00:48:05.960 --> 00:48:07.866
When I was younger, before I really cosplayed,

900
00:48:07.866 --> 00:48:10.950
I thought, it\'s my biggest fear to be called, like,

901
00:48:10.950 --> 00:48:12.590
the fat version of Daenerys.

902
00:48:12.590 --> 00:48:15.147
But then when that happened, I was, like,

903
00:48:15.147 --> 00:48:16.050
\"Yeah, and?\"

904
00:48:16.050 --> 00:48:17.950
Like, I know how BIG the actress is.

905
00:48:17.950 --> 00:48:19.800
I know that\'s not the size that I am.

906
00:48:20.870 --> 00:48:23.050
I modified the costume so that I felt comfortable in it.

907
00:48:23.050 --> 00:48:24.180
And that\'s what matters.

908
00:48:24.180 --> 00:48:27.120
And if they\'re not comfortable with it,

909
00:48:27.120 --> 00:48:28.803
like, there\'s plenty of other cosplayers

910
00:48:28.803 --> 00:48:29.636
looking like that,

911
00:48:29.636 --> 00:48:30.830
or they can just not comment on myself.

912
00:48:30.830 --> 00:48:32.057
Like, it\'s usually it\'s something with them

913
00:48:32.057 --> 00:48:34.035
and never something with me.

914
00:48:34.035 --> 00:48:36.452
(soft music)

915
00:48:44.938 --> 00:48:46.710
In the land of the geek,

916
00:48:46.710 --> 00:48:49.960
women are often allowed to be cute maids,

917
00:48:49.960 --> 00:48:52.823
sexy robots, fake fans.

918
00:48:54.200 --> 00:48:57.870
As a spectacle, they draw crowds and cameras.

919
00:48:57.870 --> 00:49:01.733
But it would be wrong to mistake attention for acceptance.

920
00:49:05.037 --> 00:49:07.954
(cameras clicking)

921
00:49:11.644 --> 00:49:14.227
(gentle music)

922
00:49:27.628 --> 00:49:29.530
Meeee, a cosplayer herself,

923
00:49:29.530 --> 00:49:32.550
wrote her dissertation about geek culture in Japan.

924
00:49:32.550 --> 00:49:34.803
And she asks me about games in the West.

925
00:49:35.680 --> 00:49:38.190
When I tell her about how most games are marketed

926
00:49:38.190 --> 00:49:42.040
towards men, both her and Alice are surprised.

927
00:49:42.040 --> 00:49:43.140
Why wouldn\'t you market

928
00:49:43.140 --> 00:49:46.300
for half of the population, Alice asks.

929
00:49:46.300 --> 00:49:48.420
But is it really different in Japan?

930
00:49:48.420 --> 00:49:51.229
They both insist that it is.

931
00:49:51.229 --> 00:49:54.729
(women chattering softly)

932
00:49:58.130 --> 00:50:00.240
When I tell them about Gamergate

933
00:50:00.240 --> 00:50:01.833
they simply don\'t understand.

934
00:50:02.710 --> 00:50:04.820
I have to explain that Gamergate was

935
00:50:04.820 --> 00:50:08.760
a spontaneous outpouring of harassment and abuse,

936
00:50:08.760 --> 00:50:12.480
which included physical attacks, sexual assaults,

937
00:50:12.480 --> 00:50:14.250
even bomb threats against people

938
00:50:14.250 --> 00:50:16.810
who dared to speak out about inequality

939
00:50:16.810 --> 00:50:18.743
and marginalization in gaming.

940
00:50:20.620 --> 00:50:22.520
They can believe what they\'re hearing.

941
00:50:29.130 --> 00:50:32.030
I remember when I got my very first hate comment.

942
00:50:32.030 --> 00:50:33.020
It really hurt.

943
00:50:33.020 --> 00:50:34.100
It kinda ruined my day.

944
00:50:34.100 --> 00:50:36.300
I was flooded with adrenaline, with fight or flight.

945
00:50:36.300 --> 00:50:39.240
Like, I was, like, \"Okay, my day\'s shot.\"

946
00:50:39.240 --> 00:50:42.240
But at the same time I looked at what he said

947
00:50:42.240 --> 00:50:43.650
and I crafted a response,

948
00:50:43.650 --> 00:50:45.470
and I say he.

949
00:50:45.470 --> 00:50:46.960
I have no idea, it was anonymous.

950
00:50:46.960 --> 00:50:50.023
But there\'s a, you know, odds are.

951
00:50:51.970 --> 00:50:53.620
It\'s become so ubiquitous

952
00:50:53.620 --> 00:50:55.410
that it is kinda like a right of passage

953
00:50:55.410 --> 00:50:56.670
being a person online

954
00:50:56.670 --> 00:51:00.720
that you have random people spewing hate at you.

955
00:51:00.720 --> 00:51:03.450
But it\'s, you know, I was raised Buddhist.

956
00:51:03.450 --> 00:51:07.210
I tend to be, tend towards moderate positions.

957
00:51:07.210 --> 00:51:08.860
But at the same time, it\'s, like,

958
00:51:10.004 --> 00:51:11.980
if you\'re telling someone to eat shit and die online,

959
00:51:11.980 --> 00:51:14.980
like, there\'s nothing constructive about that at all.

960
00:51:14.980 --> 00:51:16.970
Like, I don\'t have to take you seriously.

961
00:51:16.970 --> 00:51:18.703
You\'re just being a bully.

962
00:51:18.703 --> 00:51:21.120
(soft music)

963
00:51:35.250 --> 00:51:36.703
As I got more and more comfortable

964
00:51:36.703 --> 00:51:38.610
with my geek label

965
00:51:38.610 --> 00:51:40.870
and met many kindred spirits,

966
00:51:40.870 --> 00:51:43.820
I learned new things about what it means to be a geek girl.

967
00:51:45.240 --> 00:51:48.180
Only a few years after learning the word geek,

968
00:51:48.180 --> 00:51:50.763
I had to learn another word, cyberbully.

969
00:51:53.200 --> 00:51:55.670
Then in 2014, I had to learn

970
00:51:55.670 --> 00:51:58.593
how to secure my passwords, my accounts,

971
00:51:59.640 --> 00:52:03.993
how to hide my address, how to avoid angering people online,

972
00:52:05.150 --> 00:52:08.613
how to police my tone, to keep myself safe.

973
00:52:10.833 --> 00:52:11.666
(gun chatters)

974
00:52:11.666 --> 00:52:13.339
No, it\'s my nemesis corner!

975
00:52:13.339 --> 00:52:16.587
(gun blasts)

976
00:52:16.587 --> 00:52:17.420
You know.

977
00:52:18.575 --> 00:52:21.350
Being attacked for being a geek or a nerd in the media

978
00:52:21.350 --> 00:52:23.290
was almost given.

979
00:52:23.290 --> 00:52:26.900
I believe that guys are probably as much picked on.

980
00:52:26.900 --> 00:52:29.880
I think the difference is the intensity

981
00:52:30.777 --> 00:52:31.977
and how we\'re picked on.

982
00:52:33.770 --> 00:52:38.770
I think that the Internet is really harsh on women.

983
00:52:39.120 --> 00:52:42.180
I think, especially in 2016, being a misogynist

984
00:52:42.180 --> 00:52:44.233
in real life is really poorly seen.

985
00:52:45.660 --> 00:52:47.630
Like, \"Oh, you\'re a pure misogynist.\"

986
00:52:47.630 --> 00:52:48.600
No, that doesn\'t really happen.

987
00:52:48.600 --> 00:52:50.820
But online it happens daily.

988
00:52:50.820 --> 00:52:54.630
I think that people are really more hidden in real life,

989
00:52:54.630 --> 00:52:55.873
and obviously online they don\'t care,

990
00:52:55.873 --> 00:52:57.950
they do whatever they want.

991
00:52:57.950 --> 00:53:01.180
I think that\'s where people come out

992
00:53:01.180 --> 00:53:04.290
and that\'s why it\'s, if you\'re a female

993
00:53:04.290 --> 00:53:07.090
and a public figure, you get attacked by these guys,

994
00:53:07.090 --> 00:53:08.290
because they can\'t do it real life

995
00:53:08.290 --> 00:53:09.720
or they, you\'re too expressive

996
00:53:09.720 --> 00:53:12.450
or they\'re just releasing tension, I don\'t know.

997
00:53:12.450 --> 00:53:16.580
But I think other guys still get the rash,

998
00:53:16.580 --> 00:53:18.910
or, like, the hard parts of it.

999
00:53:18.910 --> 00:53:23.010
I just think that they\'re not harassed

1000
00:53:23.010 --> 00:53:25.440
in the ways that I have been,

1001
00:53:25.440 --> 00:53:27.500
which means they\'re not being described

1002
00:53:27.500 --> 00:53:29.973
how they would be raped or killed,

1003
00:53:32.870 --> 00:53:36.110
or everything that has to do with my gender,

1004
00:53:36.110 --> 00:53:38.130
from the reason I\'m successful,

1005
00:53:38.130 --> 00:53:40.890
from why I shouldn\'t be doing this anymore,

1006
00:53:40.890 --> 00:53:42.510
related to the gender.

1007
00:53:42.510 --> 00:53:44.330
So the amount of people I slept with

1008
00:53:44.330 --> 00:53:49.330
or the reason that I should go back to do kitchen stuff,

1009
00:53:49.350 --> 00:53:52.600
or I should have babies because I\'m 30,

1010
00:53:52.600 --> 00:53:55.120
or, like, all this kind of stuff.

1011
00:53:55.120 --> 00:53:57.320
I think the guys are harassed in other ways.

1012
00:53:59.190 --> 00:54:01.640
And I wish I was harassed in the other ways.

1013
00:54:01.640 --> 00:54:03.050
Actually, I wish I wasn\'t harassed at all,

1014
00:54:03.050 --> 00:54:06.130
but (chuckles) like, you know,

1015
00:54:06.130 --> 00:54:09.805
for sure if I have to pick, I\'d choose the other way.

1016
00:54:09.805 --> 00:54:12.860
(soft music)

1017
00:54:12.860 --> 00:54:17.470
I think social media also added another layer of security

1018
00:54:17.470 --> 00:54:19.473
that I need to pay attention of,

1019
00:54:20.510 --> 00:54:22.363
from the pictures I release,

1020
00:54:24.170 --> 00:54:27.710
my IP address or my actual real life address,

1021
00:54:27.710 --> 00:54:29.340
all that kind of stuff.

1022
00:54:29.340 --> 00:54:31.646
I\'m, like, extremely conscientious about it

1023
00:54:31.646 --> 00:54:33.500
because I don\'t wanna get stalked.

1024
00:54:33.500 --> 00:54:36.250
I don\'t wanna get killed, (mumbles and chuckles) point.

1025
00:54:37.350 --> 00:54:41.867
So I really watch out about that kind of stuff.

1026
00:54:41.867 --> 00:54:44.284
(soft music)

1027
00:55:12.370 --> 00:55:14.127
I have to tell my partner, like,

1028
00:55:14.127 --> 00:55:16.097
\"Don\'t disclose this about where we live,

1029
00:55:16.097 --> 00:55:17.174
\"don\'t disclose that.\"

1030
00:55:17.174 --> 00:55:19.130
Like, he would be, like, \"Oh, we live by blah, blah, blah.\"

1031
00:55:19.130 --> 00:55:20.687
And I\'m, like, \"There\'s only one of those in Austin.

1032
00:55:20.687 --> 00:55:22.160
\"You need to not tell people that.\"

1033
00:55:22.160 --> 00:55:23.770
You know, whether it\'s just on a Twitter stream

1034
00:55:23.770 --> 00:55:25.130
where five of his friends are tuning in

1035
00:55:25.130 --> 00:55:27.250
or whatever thing, like, it would make me so nervous

1036
00:55:27.250 --> 00:55:29.300
because I need people to not know where I live.

1037
00:55:29.300 --> 00:55:32.640
I need people to, like, not have that extra ability

1038
00:55:32.640 --> 00:55:34.190
to harass me if they wanted to.

1039
00:55:34.190 --> 00:55:35.023
It\'s scary.

1040
00:55:35.023 --> 00:55:36.930
I think about it all the time.

1041
00:55:36.930 --> 00:55:38.840
My boyfriend doesn\'t even really think,

1042
00:55:38.840 --> 00:55:41.450
he thinks it\'s very unlikely that it would happen to me.

1043
00:55:41.450 --> 00:55:43.270
But I would rather have everything on lockdown

1044
00:55:43.270 --> 00:55:44.290
so that if it does happen,

1045
00:55:44.290 --> 00:55:46.800
it\'s less likely to be as destructive as it could be,

1046
00:55:46.800 --> 00:55:48.330
like, if all my passwords are open

1047
00:55:48.330 --> 00:55:51.120
or if my address is just public or something.

1048
00:55:51.120 --> 00:55:52.260
And people don\'t take it seriously

1049
00:55:52.260 --> 00:55:53.269
because they don\'t think

1050
00:55:53.269 --> 00:55:54.570
that threats from the Internet are justified,

1051
00:55:54.570 --> 00:55:56.440
or they don\'t think that there\'s not laws

1052
00:55:56.440 --> 00:55:58.020
that has kept up with it yet.

1053
00:55:58.020 --> 00:56:01.710
And it just sucks that that\'s what you have to do.

1054
00:56:01.710 --> 00:56:04.100
And it sucks, too, that they get people\'s families involved.

1055
00:56:04.100 --> 00:56:06.290
So me being active on the Internet and being outspoken,

1056
00:56:06.290 --> 00:56:08.060
it\'s not just me that\'s at risk.

1057
00:56:08.060 --> 00:56:09.710
It\'s my family, it\'s my partner,

1058
00:56:09.710 --> 00:56:12.640
it\'s anybody that I have any contact with,

1059
00:56:12.640 --> 00:56:14.070
it\'s my employer.

1060
00:56:14.070 --> 00:56:17.080
So I think maybe trying to not make yourself a target

1061
00:56:17.080 --> 00:56:19.080
is a very easy reason to wanna not be

1062
00:56:19.080 --> 00:56:20.742
in a documentary like this.

1063
00:56:20.742 --> 00:56:23.159
(soft music)

1064
00:56:27.670 --> 00:56:29.680
Mia told me that I should be prepared

1065
00:56:29.680 --> 00:56:31.163
for when the film comes out.

1066
00:56:32.050 --> 00:56:34.730
She says I will be the first to go down

1067
00:56:34.730 --> 00:56:38.303
if a violent online hate campaign against the film starts.

1068
00:56:39.800 --> 00:56:43.260
Later, my father says the same thing over the phone.

1069
00:56:43.260 --> 00:56:45.693
I should be more careful with what I say.

1070
00:56:47.700 --> 00:56:51.491
All this for talking about what it means to be a nerd?

1071
00:56:51.491 --> 00:56:54.296
(soft music)

1072
00:56:54.296 --> 00:56:56.796
(phone rings)

1073
00:56:58.200 --> 00:57:00.500
Convincing people to be in the film

1074
00:57:00.500 --> 00:57:02.930
was a monumental struggle.

1075
00:57:02.930 --> 00:57:04.400
Forget embarrassment.

1076
00:57:04.400 --> 00:57:06.793
It seems it can actually be dangerous.

1077
00:57:08.140 --> 00:57:10.680
Founders of international geek organizations

1078
00:57:10.680 --> 00:57:12.500
and celebrities canceled interviews

1079
00:57:12.500 --> 00:57:15.393
days, sometimes hours before shooting.

1080
00:57:16.240 --> 00:57:19.540
Nine, 12 months of organization, negotiation

1081
00:57:19.540 --> 00:57:21.983
and convincing would evaporate overnight.

1082
00:57:23.320 --> 00:57:26.593
They each had their reasons, all of them valid.

1083
00:57:27.940 --> 00:57:31.173
But with each reason came one less voice to hear from,

1084
00:57:32.580 --> 00:57:34.343
one more voice silenced.

1085
00:57:36.750 --> 00:57:39.140
I actually refused a couple times

1086
00:57:39.140 --> 00:57:41.020
to do public appearances.

1087
00:57:41.020 --> 00:57:43.410
When Gamergate was a big deal,

1088
00:57:43.410 --> 00:57:45.610
I refused a couple interviews,

1089
00:57:45.610 --> 00:57:48.250
where I didn\'t wanna be associated with it,

1090
00:57:48.250 --> 00:57:49.910
\'cause I don\'t think I can handle it.

1091
00:57:49.910 --> 00:57:51.840
It\'s as straight a (mumbles) as that.

1092
00:57:51.840 --> 00:57:55.030
In these strong women\'s, like, what happened to them

1093
00:57:57.040 --> 00:57:59.860
is crazy and I don\'t know if I can handle it.

1094
00:57:59.860 --> 00:58:00.693
I need to compete.

1095
00:58:00.693 --> 00:58:02.360
I need to be able to go at events.

1096
00:58:02.360 --> 00:58:05.070
So if I can\'t even do that anymore

1097
00:58:05.070 --> 00:58:09.110
because of threats, then what am I supposed to do?

1098
00:58:09.110 --> 00:58:14.110
So yeah, I refused stuff in the past.

1099
00:58:14.290 --> 00:58:17.750
My answer\'s always, try to watch out for it.

1100
00:58:17.750 --> 00:58:21.003
So it\'s something that\'s very sensitive.

1101
00:58:22.530 --> 00:58:24.730
And I can understand why these women say no.

1102
00:58:28.010 --> 00:58:30.074
Yeah, \'cause I don\'t know, if it happens to me,

1103
00:58:30.074 --> 00:58:31.674
I don\'t know if I can handle it.

1104
00:58:34.130 --> 00:58:35.920
Being a woman and being a woman of color

1105
00:58:35.920 --> 00:58:37.360
it\'s just, it\'s really hard.

1106
00:58:37.360 --> 00:58:40.670
People are very quick to shut you down

1107
00:58:40.670 --> 00:58:44.090
or question your geek cred

1108
00:58:44.090 --> 00:58:48.020
and try to delegitimize you in every way they can,

1109
00:58:48.020 --> 00:58:51.660
because they\'re afraid that you\'re infringing somehow

1110
00:58:51.660 --> 00:58:53.033
upon their space.

1111
00:58:54.260 --> 00:58:56.760
They use this as a guise to, like,

1112
00:58:56.760 --> 00:58:58.510
either feel better about themselves

1113
00:58:58.510 --> 00:58:59.990
and they wanna put other people down.

1114
00:58:59.990 --> 00:59:01.720
So, like, this is the new way of bullying,

1115
00:59:01.720 --> 00:59:03.570
which has always been a thing.

1116
00:59:03.570 --> 00:59:05.740
But people really wanna use the Internet

1117
00:59:05.740 --> 00:59:10.740
as a means to make people feel bad about themselves.

1118
00:59:12.070 --> 00:59:14.340
Obviously there\'s something wrong with you inside

1119
00:59:14.340 --> 00:59:16.410
if you feel the need to put someone down.

1120
00:59:16.410 --> 00:59:18.840
So it\'s just a really sad thing to witness.

1121
00:59:18.840 --> 00:59:22.083
And I deal with a lot of that online, too.

1122
00:59:23.090 --> 00:59:25.700
I can have a thousand people compliment me

1123
00:59:25.700 --> 00:59:26.560
all day long.

1124
00:59:26.560 --> 00:59:28.650
But one person will say something nasty to me,

1125
00:59:28.650 --> 00:59:31.230
and I\'ll just relish and focus on that one tweet.

1126
00:59:31.230 --> 00:59:34.210
And I\'m trying to build, like, a thicker skin

1127
00:59:34.210 --> 00:59:36.850
because I know that with popularity

1128
00:59:36.850 --> 00:59:39.453
comes more criticism, comes more vitriol.

1129
00:59:40.450 --> 00:59:41.283
But it\'s hard.

1130
00:59:41.283 --> 00:59:44.050
I mean, you know, behind this persona,

1131
00:59:44.050 --> 00:59:46.990
behind the Black Girl Nerds brand,

1132
00:59:46.990 --> 00:59:49.573
there\'s a human being with feelings behind it.

1133
00:59:49.573 --> 00:59:50.406
(chuckles)

1134
00:59:50.406 --> 00:59:53.041
Sometimes people forget about that on the Internet.

1135
00:59:53.041 --> 00:59:55.458
(soft music)

1136
00:59:57.579 --> 01:00:00.579
(people chattering)

1137
01:00:08.160 --> 01:00:09.660
Yeah, daring to speak about it,

1138
01:00:09.660 --> 01:00:12.670
daring to be, like, that woman, that person

1139
01:00:12.670 --> 01:00:16.150
who\'s, like, always bringing up gender

1140
01:00:16.150 --> 01:00:20.120
and always bringing up how, like, they feel.

1141
01:00:20.120 --> 01:00:23.150
How we\'re just, like, questioning, always questioning.

1142
01:00:23.150 --> 01:00:24.960
People don\'t always like to be questioned

1143
01:00:24.960 --> 01:00:26.843
24/7 for their stuff.

1144
01:00:27.840 --> 01:00:30.150
You could be penalized because you\'re too feminine,

1145
01:00:30.150 --> 01:00:33.200
or, like, you\'re dismissed because of your emotions.

1146
01:00:33.200 --> 01:00:35.150
Like, all these things are, like,

1147
01:00:35.150 --> 01:00:37.650
really shitty to go through.

1148
01:00:37.650 --> 01:00:41.110
Seeing yourself represented as, like, a sexy woman

1149
01:00:41.110 --> 01:00:42.750
every single video game, or a prop,

1150
01:00:42.750 --> 01:00:44.183
or something to be rescued, like,

1151
01:00:44.183 --> 01:00:47.060
you are just some thing that drives the story,

1152
01:00:47.060 --> 01:00:49.140
like, you don\'t have personality.

1153
01:00:49.140 --> 01:00:51.310
Except for, like, the (mumbles) game here and there

1154
01:00:51.310 --> 01:00:52.143
is really great.

1155
01:00:52.143 --> 01:00:54.040
But in most games that we know,

1156
01:00:54.040 --> 01:00:56.683
women are not very well represented.

1157
01:00:59.870 --> 01:01:03.560
I think society is saying to young girls

1158
01:01:03.560 --> 01:01:05.040
that you need to look a certain way.

1159
01:01:05.040 --> 01:01:06.610
This is what you should be focused on.

1160
01:01:06.610 --> 01:01:08.980
You know, I don\'t know, how you appear to males

1161
01:01:08.980 --> 01:01:10.330
or something like that should be your focus.

1162
01:01:10.330 --> 01:01:11.560
I don\'t know if you\'ve ever read or seen

1163
01:01:11.560 --> 01:01:13.200
any of those teenage magazines.

1164
01:01:13.200 --> 01:01:14.320
They\'re terrible, (chuckles)

1165
01:01:14.320 --> 01:01:16.940
probably the worst influence ever on girls.

1166
01:01:16.940 --> 01:01:19.360
So I think that\'s probably more to the root of the problem

1167
01:01:19.360 --> 01:01:20.760
than anything else.

1168
01:01:20.760 --> 01:01:24.050
I would say in general there\'s not enough female role models

1169
01:01:24.050 --> 01:01:26.700
when it comes to scientific community

1170
01:01:26.700 --> 01:01:27.533
and engineering community,

1171
01:01:27.533 --> 01:01:30.290
just because the percentages are too low.

1172
01:01:30.290 --> 01:01:32.240
I worked in groups where I was the only woman.

1173
01:01:32.240 --> 01:01:34.710
So unfortunately, it\'s kind of all I\'ve ever know

1174
01:01:34.710 --> 01:01:35.543
type of thing.

1175
01:01:35.543 --> 01:01:38.310
And maybe I have a personality that didn\'t care so much

1176
01:01:38.310 --> 01:01:40.470
because my dad was an engineer, I had a brother,

1177
01:01:40.470 --> 01:01:42.230
I was more a tomboy type.

1178
01:01:42.230 --> 01:01:44.730
So I just kind of shield myself from that,

1179
01:01:44.730 --> 01:01:46.420
that this is just my environment.

1180
01:01:46.420 --> 01:01:48.030
But I can imagine how that environment

1181
01:01:48.030 --> 01:01:50.700
will discourage other women from going into it

1182
01:01:50.700 --> 01:01:52.690
because of the sort of overwhelmingly

1183
01:01:52.690 --> 01:01:54.345
male-dominated presence.

1184
01:01:54.345 --> 01:01:56.762
(soft music)

1185
01:01:58.680 --> 01:02:01.170
The only reason I started being a pro gamer

1186
01:02:01.170 --> 01:02:03.360
is because I saw one of the other women

1187
01:02:03.360 --> 01:02:05.040
winning this World Cup, Female World Cup,

1188
01:02:05.040 --> 01:02:06.710
and I was, like, \"Oh my God, I wanna do this.\"

1189
01:02:06.710 --> 01:02:09.530
It is just another way to create a platform

1190
01:02:09.530 --> 01:02:10.943
to inspire women.

1191
01:02:12.320 --> 01:02:14.390
I think my girls need role model in gaming

1192
01:02:14.390 --> 01:02:17.090
because even if there\'s more and more and more girls

1193
01:02:17.090 --> 01:02:20.300
that plays game, it\'s still pointed,

1194
01:02:20.300 --> 01:02:22.060
like, \"Oh, a girl\'s beating you,\"

1195
01:02:22.060 --> 01:02:24.420
or \"Oh, your girlfriend plays game, oh.\"

1196
01:02:24.420 --> 01:02:27.910
Like, you know, it\'s still this weird thing.

1197
01:02:27.910 --> 01:02:29.120
Even though it\'s more accepted

1198
01:02:29.120 --> 01:02:31.180
and you\'re not as, like, a weirdo

1199
01:02:31.180 --> 01:02:34.080
because you play games, it\'s still not, you\'re just a gamer.

1200
01:02:34.080 --> 01:02:38.120
It\'s, like, you\'re still a girl gamer, a female gamer.

1201
01:02:38.120 --> 01:02:41.030
At the very top, like in any industry right now,

1202
01:02:41.030 --> 01:02:42.980
there\'s very few women.

1203
01:02:42.980 --> 01:02:45.640
Whether it\'s in the business, in the tech,

1204
01:02:45.640 --> 01:02:50.250
politics, any position of power, there\'s very few women.

1205
01:02:50.250 --> 01:02:52.360
So it\'s not a problem of gaming,

1206
01:02:52.360 --> 01:02:55.143
it\'s a problem, it\'s society that keeps saying it.

1207
01:02:57.240 --> 01:02:59.020
There is still a lot of racism

1208
01:02:59.020 --> 01:03:01.350
that\'s very pervasive in the nerd community.

1209
01:03:01.350 --> 01:03:03.510
And it\'s unfortunate because, you know,

1210
01:03:03.510 --> 01:03:04.800
at the end of the day,

1211
01:03:04.800 --> 01:03:07.440
these are things that are supposed to entertain us.

1212
01:03:07.440 --> 01:03:09.390
These are things that are supposed to be fun.

1213
01:03:09.390 --> 01:03:13.150
We shouldn\'t get upset just because a canon character

1214
01:03:13.150 --> 01:03:16.223
who was once white is now a character of color.

1215
01:03:17.230 --> 01:03:20.840
Our landscape now has changed dramatically.

1216
01:03:20.840 --> 01:03:22.040
And there are so many people

1217
01:03:22.040 --> 01:03:24.020
when you walk outside of your door

1218
01:03:24.020 --> 01:03:26.760
that are different nationalities and different backgrounds.

1219
01:03:26.760 --> 01:03:28.970
It\'s definitely something that is an opportunity

1220
01:03:28.970 --> 01:03:30.190
for them to get right,

1221
01:03:30.190 --> 01:03:32.890
because even though, yes, we are seeing

1222
01:03:32.890 --> 01:03:34.870
black female characters like Misty Knight

1223
01:03:34.870 --> 01:03:38.940
and Tessa Thompson in the new Thor film playing Valkyrie,

1224
01:03:38.940 --> 01:03:41.300
we\'re not seeing enough black women,

1225
01:03:41.300 --> 01:03:45.100
and people of color in general, behind the scenes.

1226
01:03:45.100 --> 01:03:49.150
I mean, Black Panther now has a companion comic coming out,

1227
01:03:49.150 --> 01:03:51.440
The World of Wakanda, and it\'s the first time

1228
01:03:51.440 --> 01:03:54.493
that Marvel has hired a black woman to write it.

1229
01:03:55.350 --> 01:03:56.780
I mean, it\'s 2016

1230
01:03:56.780 --> 01:03:59.280
and they\'ve never hired a black woman before that.

1231
01:04:01.260 --> 01:04:04.770
It\'s still at a point where I can still come to an event

1232
01:04:04.770 --> 01:04:08.070
and be the only person, or, like be in a group

1233
01:04:08.070 --> 01:04:09.740
that\'s even supposed to be for nerds

1234
01:04:09.740 --> 01:04:12.310
or for geeks or for whatever,

1235
01:04:12.310 --> 01:04:14.880
and still feel like I\'m the only one

1236
01:04:14.880 --> 01:04:16.650
that does a specific kind of thing,

1237
01:04:16.650 --> 01:04:18.277
whether that\'s, like, \"Oh, I\'m the only one here

1238
01:04:18.277 --> 01:04:20.170
\"that kinda draws manga style,\"

1239
01:04:20.170 --> 01:04:22.912
or, \"I\'m the only person here that\'s not white,\"

1240
01:04:22.912 --> 01:04:27.500
or, \"I\'m the only person here that is a woman.\"

1241
01:04:27.500 --> 01:04:30.480
But even then I can show up to any given event

1242
01:04:30.480 --> 01:04:35.200
and feel very, like, okay, I have to be careful

1243
01:04:35.200 --> 01:04:37.270
because I\'m the only Asian person here

1244
01:04:37.270 --> 01:04:39.420
and somehow there is a pressure,

1245
01:04:39.420 --> 01:04:42.670
like I\'m gonna be representing, like, all Asians.

1246
01:04:42.670 --> 01:04:43.970
So while things are changing,

1247
01:04:43.970 --> 01:04:47.373
I think that there\'s still a lot of work to be done.

1248
01:04:49.060 --> 01:04:52.560
You know, representation isn\'t the entire story

1249
01:04:52.560 --> 01:04:53.393
and it\'s not always

1250
01:04:53.393 --> 01:04:54.760
about getting all the bodies in the room,

1251
01:04:54.760 --> 01:04:57.520
but it\'s definitely like the first starting point.

1252
01:04:57.520 --> 01:04:58.610
And then after that, it\'s, like,

1253
01:04:58.610 --> 01:05:00.590
how do you take care of all the bodies in the room

1254
01:05:00.590 --> 01:05:02.390
that you\'ve introduced that are new?

1255
01:05:03.670 --> 01:05:06.140
When I started getting more into indie comics

1256
01:05:06.140 --> 01:05:08.360
and stuff like that was when I started to feel

1257
01:05:08.360 --> 01:05:10.380
this sort of difference a little bit more,

1258
01:05:10.380 --> 01:05:12.670
and not just being marginalized

1259
01:05:12.670 --> 01:05:15.010
for my race and my gender,

1260
01:05:15.010 --> 01:05:18.610
but also just because I was into manga

1261
01:05:18.610 --> 01:05:20.090
and there wasn\'t other things that looked

1262
01:05:20.090 --> 01:05:22.240
like what I\'ve made a lot of the times.

1263
01:05:22.240 --> 01:05:25.830
And I really wanted to just not be in manga for a while.

1264
01:05:25.830 --> 01:05:27.700
But then as soon as I left university,

1265
01:05:27.700 --> 01:05:29.577
it was, like, \"Nope, still a nerd.

1266
01:05:29.577 --> 01:05:31.015
\"Back in there.\"

1267
01:05:31.015 --> 01:05:33.190
(chuckles) Like, reading my Sailor Moon or whatever.

1268
01:05:33.190 --> 01:05:36.107
(upbeat pop music)

1269
01:05:42.465 --> 01:05:47.465
(people chattering)
(pop music)

1270
01:05:50.530 --> 01:05:52.947
(soft music)

1271
01:06:01.710 --> 01:06:04.380
Many of us are looking for something,

1272
01:06:04.380 --> 01:06:07.263
something meaningful that will fill the void in us.

1273
01:06:08.300 --> 01:06:10.660
Some people find it in playing sports,

1274
01:06:10.660 --> 01:06:15.300
creating art, belonging to a family, a community,

1275
01:06:15.300 --> 01:06:17.850
to share your life and passion with friends

1276
01:06:17.850 --> 01:06:18.823
and to be loved,

1277
01:06:21.000 --> 01:06:24.223
people who appreciate and accept you and what you do.

1278
01:06:25.750 --> 01:06:28.020
Most of my life, I saw communities

1279
01:06:28.020 --> 01:06:31.490
from the outside, gazing in.

1280
01:06:31.490 --> 01:06:34.190
The cool kids, the gamers,

1281
01:06:34.190 --> 01:06:36.583
the programmers, the film makers,

1282
01:06:38.400 --> 01:06:40.350
I thought I could never be one of them.

1283
01:06:41.500 --> 01:06:43.470
It is hard to stand alone.

1284
01:06:43.470 --> 01:06:45.213
It\'s unfair and exhausting.

1285
01:06:46.070 --> 01:06:48.690
For those of us left on the outside,

1286
01:06:48.690 --> 01:06:50.243
it\'s an unending struggle.

1287
01:06:51.280 --> 01:06:53.740
Whether you\'re a geek or a woman

1288
01:06:53.740 --> 01:06:56.123
or a person of color or trans,

1289
01:06:57.080 --> 01:06:59.490
or all those things together,

1290
01:06:59.490 --> 01:07:03.720
you should not be defined by those who ostracize you,

1291
01:07:03.720 --> 01:07:06.170
who shame you or bully you.

1292
01:07:06.170 --> 01:07:08.040
There shouldn\'t be a need for a community

1293
01:07:08.040 --> 01:07:09.973
consisting of the outcasts.

1294
01:07:11.600 --> 01:07:14.603
And yet, here we are,

1295
01:07:16.210 --> 01:07:19.700
exploring space, changing the world

1296
01:07:19.700 --> 01:07:21.593
through stories and drawings,

1297
01:07:22.760 --> 01:07:26.453
speaking up, making films.

1298
01:07:28.895 --> 01:07:30.550
Puttogetherproject was something I did

1299
01:07:30.550 --> 01:07:32.710
in the fall of 2004.

1300
01:07:32.710 --> 01:07:35.950
I\'d just gotten onto Instagram.

1301
01:07:35.950 --> 01:07:38.270
I\'ve suffered with periodic depression,

1302
01:07:38.270 --> 01:07:40.190
I think since I was, like, a pre-teen.

1303
01:07:40.190 --> 01:07:43.160
The first time I felt genuinely suicidal

1304
01:07:43.160 --> 01:07:44.473
I was maybe, like, 11.

1305
01:07:46.040 --> 01:07:48.810
So it\'s been a constant struggle with me.

1306
01:07:48.810 --> 01:07:50.550
Eventually in my 30s,

1307
01:07:50.550 --> 01:07:53.100
I decided to start taking antianxiety meds,

1308
01:07:53.100 --> 01:07:55.730
and they\'ve helped a lot, for me personally.

1309
01:07:55.730 --> 01:07:58.720
You know, I just thought it\'d be kind of fun

1310
01:07:58.720 --> 01:08:03.440
to do a project that brought awareness to the subject

1311
01:08:03.440 --> 01:08:08.100
but also could kind of help me in my recovery process.

1312
01:08:08.100 --> 01:08:09.810
So I call it the puttogetherproject,

1313
01:08:09.810 --> 01:08:12.550
where every day for the month of November,

1314
01:08:12.550 --> 01:08:14.520
I posted a selfie

1315
01:08:14.520 --> 01:08:16.680
and basically just encouraged myself

1316
01:08:16.680 --> 01:08:21.543
to put on clothes and DO my makeup or do my hair.

1317
01:08:22.640 --> 01:08:26.150
You know, to most people it seems so terribly mundane,

1318
01:08:26.150 --> 01:08:27.760
but someone who suffered

1319
01:08:27.760 --> 01:08:30.360
with anxiety and depression understands

1320
01:08:30.360 --> 01:08:35.360
how, like, totally impossible those things can seem.

1321
01:08:35.896 --> 01:08:38.313
(soft music)

1322
01:08:40.110 --> 01:08:41.390
I\'ve had people start cosplaying

1323
01:08:41.390 --> 01:08:42.700
because of stuff that I\'ve written.

1324
01:08:42.700 --> 01:08:46.570
I\'ve had people say that I specifically inspired them

1325
01:08:46.570 --> 01:08:48.860
to cosplay because of my body type or something.

1326
01:08:48.860 --> 01:08:51.480
And that just makes me so happy.

1327
01:08:51.480 --> 01:08:54.050
I\'ve written posts about mental health as well,

1328
01:08:54.050 --> 01:08:56.130
because I had depression and anxiety.

1329
01:08:56.130 --> 01:08:57.530
The response that I get to posts

1330
01:08:57.530 --> 01:08:59.890
where I\'m vulnerable like that is incredible

1331
01:08:59.890 --> 01:09:01.230
and it always blows me away.

1332
01:09:01.230 --> 01:09:02.450
And that made me feel really good

1333
01:09:02.450 --> 01:09:06.330
to have even my small voice is helping people.

1334
01:09:06.330 --> 01:09:09.070
It\'s really, it\'s just an incredible feeling.

1335
01:09:09.070 --> 01:09:10.600
I can create something out of nothing,

1336
01:09:10.600 --> 01:09:11.870
like, it gives you that confidence.

1337
01:09:11.870 --> 01:09:13.950
And because it\'s such a visual hobby,

1338
01:09:13.950 --> 01:09:15.330
I learned how to take photos of myself

1339
01:09:15.330 --> 01:09:16.560
and, like, look good in pictures

1340
01:09:16.560 --> 01:09:19.760
and, like, feel really confident because of stuff like that.

1341
01:09:19.760 --> 01:09:21.960
Like, when I first cosplayed Ramona,

1342
01:09:21.960 --> 01:09:24.140
she\'s like a total badass, and I\'m not.

1343
01:09:24.140 --> 01:09:27.390
But having blue hair and feeling like a badass

1344
01:09:27.390 --> 01:09:28.397
kinda made me realize, like,

1345
01:09:28.397 --> 01:09:29.947
\"Oh, she\'s not that far from who I am.

1346
01:09:29.947 --> 01:09:32.970
\"Like, if I wanted to be her, I could be her.\"

1347
01:09:32.970 --> 01:09:34.660
It makes you more confident in who you are,

1348
01:09:34.660 --> 01:09:36.290
even though you\'re dressing up as other people.

1349
01:09:36.290 --> 01:09:37.830
You kinda get to borrow the elements from them

1350
01:09:37.830 --> 01:09:40.963
that you like about them and adapt \'em to your own life.

1351
01:09:41.846 --> 01:09:44.730
(soft music)

1352
01:09:44.730 --> 01:09:48.340
There\'s always gonna be that, I guess, rejection.

1353
01:09:48.340 --> 01:09:52.220
But, you know, hopefully over time people will realize

1354
01:09:52.220 --> 01:09:55.000
that it\'s all about inclusion.

1355
01:09:55.000 --> 01:09:57.160
I feel like the playing field is large enough

1356
01:09:57.160 --> 01:09:58.980
where everybody can be a part of this,

1357
01:09:58.980 --> 01:10:02.240
and that we\'re not gonna ever infringe upon your space.

1358
01:10:02.240 --> 01:10:05.050
We\'re just going to add more to it.

1359
01:10:05.050 --> 01:10:07.107
I really get some great feedback saying,

1360
01:10:07.107 --> 01:10:10.148
\"Hey, first of all, I thought I was the only one.\"

1361
01:10:10.148 --> 01:10:10.981
(chuckles)

1362
01:10:10.981 --> 01:10:12.347
You know, everybody thinks that they\'re the only one,

1363
01:10:12.347 --> 01:10:13.990
and I certainly did, too,

1364
01:10:13.990 --> 01:10:16.010
when I first started Black Girl Nerds.

1365
01:10:16.010 --> 01:10:18.640
And just thank you for creating this safe space.

1366
01:10:18.640 --> 01:10:21.660
Like, \"Because of you, I am doing this.\"

1367
01:10:21.660 --> 01:10:24.160
I had a girl that came up to me, just crying,

1368
01:10:24.160 --> 01:10:27.117
just saying, \"Thank you for representing women like me.

1369
01:10:27.117 --> 01:10:30.030
\"Like, I just never saw that anywhere.\"

1370
01:10:30.030 --> 01:10:33.700
So it\'s really just flattering and humbling

1371
01:10:33.700 --> 01:10:38.390
and an honor just to see people feel so proud

1372
01:10:38.390 --> 01:10:41.740
and just so happy that there\'s a space

1373
01:10:41.740 --> 01:10:44.919
that actually reflects them and their interests.

1374
01:10:44.919 --> 01:10:47.336
(soft music)

1375
01:10:55.360 --> 01:10:56.940
There is no word for geek

1376
01:10:56.940 --> 01:10:59.030
in my native language.

1377
01:10:59.030 --> 01:11:01.270
A word would have helped me to find others

1378
01:11:01.270 --> 01:11:03.720
who shared similar experiences,

1379
01:11:03.720 --> 01:11:04.940
to band together,

1380
01:11:04.940 --> 01:11:06.573
to feel part of a community.

1381
01:11:08.220 --> 01:11:09.840
I have that word now,

1382
01:11:09.840 --> 01:11:12.410
and I won\'t let anyone turn it into an insult

1383
01:11:12.410 --> 01:11:13.483
or take it away.

1384
01:11:14.830 --> 01:11:16.610
I am not alone.

1385
01:11:16.610 --> 01:11:18.823
I\'m not alone in being different.

1386
01:11:20.500 --> 01:11:22.680
As a person, I\'m really pro-label.

1387
01:11:22.680 --> 01:11:24.430
A lot of people aren\'t.

1388
01:11:24.430 --> 01:11:25.567
They\'re, like, \"I don\'t like labels,

1389
01:11:25.567 --> 01:11:26.910
\"I like to just be who I am.\"

1390
01:11:26.910 --> 01:11:29.320
But I have found a lot of power in labels

1391
01:11:29.320 --> 01:11:31.900
because growing up and not really knowing who I was,

1392
01:11:31.900 --> 01:11:34.440
finding these labels that I did identify

1393
01:11:34.440 --> 01:11:36.090
has really helped me.

1394
01:11:36.090 --> 01:11:39.160
Like, I\'m a vegan and I am a feminist.

1395
01:11:39.160 --> 01:11:40.960
I\'m an intersexual feminist.

1396
01:11:40.960 --> 01:11:42.970
Like, those are really big values of mine.

1397
01:11:42.970 --> 01:11:47.970
And finding the labels of geek and bisexual, especially,

1398
01:11:48.430 --> 01:11:50.780
really transformed my life.

1399
01:11:50.780 --> 01:11:53.390
It really helped me understand who I was better.

1400
01:11:53.390 --> 01:11:55.240
And I can reach out to other people

1401
01:11:55.240 --> 01:11:56.660
that might have similar values to me.

1402
01:11:56.660 --> 01:11:58.650
So to me, being a geek is just another way

1403
01:11:58.650 --> 01:12:01.500
that I express, like, what my identity is.

1404
01:12:01.500 --> 01:12:02.950
I think community is super important

1405
01:12:02.950 --> 01:12:06.010
because I know as a geek girl, I felt super isolated

1406
01:12:06.010 --> 01:12:07.890
because I didn\'t have that community growing up

1407
01:12:07.890 --> 01:12:09.550
and it wasn\'t something that I felt

1408
01:12:09.550 --> 01:12:11.000
really comfortable about myself with.

1409
01:12:11.000 --> 01:12:13.670
It wasn\'t a part of me that I was proud of.

1410
01:12:13.670 --> 01:12:15.050
It was something that I felt, like,

1411
01:12:15.050 --> 01:12:16.310
you know, maybe this is something

1412
01:12:16.310 --> 01:12:17.730
I should try to get away from.

1413
01:12:17.730 --> 01:12:19.010
Maybe I shouldn\'t be into these things.

1414
01:12:19.010 --> 01:12:20.970
Maybe this is a childish thing.

1415
01:12:20.970 --> 01:12:23.400
And building these communities

1416
01:12:23.400 --> 01:12:24.800
for me has always started online

1417
01:12:24.800 --> 01:12:26.660
because that\'s where I hung out as a kid.

1418
01:12:26.660 --> 01:12:28.280
Like, a friend was asking me

1419
01:12:28.280 --> 01:12:29.580
what my favorite childhood toy was,

1420
01:12:29.580 --> 01:12:31.690
and I was, like, \"Does the Internet count?\"

1421
01:12:31.690 --> 01:12:34.390
And so for me, like, building these friendships online

1422
01:12:34.390 --> 01:12:36.050
and then translating them to real life

1423
01:12:36.050 --> 01:12:39.720
and kind of vice versa as well with Geek Girl Brunch,

1424
01:12:39.720 --> 01:12:41.720
it\'s really impactful for me

1425
01:12:41.720 --> 01:12:43.560
and I think for a lot of the people in the community.

1426
01:12:43.560 --> 01:12:46.020
And I think that\'s why beginning geeky

1427
01:12:46.020 --> 01:12:48.440
and especially being a geek girl has spread so much,

1428
01:12:48.440 --> 01:12:50.630
because we\'re able to connect with each other

1429
01:12:50.630 --> 01:12:52.217
and realize, like, \"Oh, this is okay.

1430
01:12:52.217 --> 01:12:53.737
\"I\'m not the only one that has, like,

1431
01:12:53.737 --> 01:12:55.737
\"20 Tsum Tsums in my office.

1432
01:12:55.737 --> 01:12:57.277
\"Like, I\'m not the only person

1433
01:12:57.277 --> 01:12:58.627
\"with a hundred Funko Pops.

1434
01:12:58.627 --> 01:13:01.580
\"Like, there\'s other people like me, and that\'s okay.\"

1435
01:13:01.580 --> 01:13:06.580
Awareness, education, getting more

1436
01:13:06.860 --> 01:13:10.480
different types of people in games, not just women,

1437
01:13:10.480 --> 01:13:13.770
just, like, different backgrounds,

1438
01:13:13.770 --> 01:13:16.250
different sexualities, different identities.

1439
01:13:16.250 --> 01:13:20.110
And by having more of those types of people there,

1440
01:13:20.110 --> 01:13:22.610
people can just feel it\'s normal,

1441
01:13:22.610 --> 01:13:24.140
like, it\'s just normal to be surrounded

1442
01:13:24.140 --> 01:13:26.270
by different kinds of people.

1443
01:13:26.270 --> 01:13:28.820
This is why we need more women in games,

1444
01:13:28.820 --> 01:13:31.020
it\'s why I need more, like,

1445
01:13:31.020 --> 01:13:35.047
everybody here doing what they love,

1446
01:13:35.047 --> 01:13:37.016
which is, I hope, making games.

1447
01:13:37.016 --> 01:13:38.970
(chuckles)

1448
01:13:38.970 --> 01:13:40.180
When I started my blog,

1449
01:13:40.180 --> 01:13:42.630
like, I didn\'t know any other female geek bloggers.

1450
01:13:42.630 --> 01:13:44.000
I kind of found \'em by accident,

1451
01:13:44.000 --> 01:13:48.120
and not being awesome at making friends,

1452
01:13:48.120 --> 01:13:49.670
like, it was weird for me

1453
01:13:49.670 --> 01:13:53.510
to kind of embrace the idea of community,

1454
01:13:53.510 --> 01:13:55.460
even though, like, on a certain level,

1455
01:13:55.460 --> 01:13:56.840
like, I understand the importance

1456
01:13:56.840 --> 01:13:59.230
for marketing and crap like that.

1457
01:13:59.230 --> 01:14:01.370
But at the same time, like,

1458
01:14:01.370 --> 01:14:04.560
having a community that kinda like support you

1459
01:14:04.560 --> 01:14:06.370
when you\'re not doing awesome

1460
01:14:06.370 --> 01:14:08.400
and those sort of things is something

1461
01:14:08.400 --> 01:14:11.840
I had to discover, relatively late,

1462
01:14:11.840 --> 01:14:13.460
now that I think about it.

1463
01:14:13.460 --> 01:14:17.040
The giving back part is definitely intrinsic

1464
01:14:17.040 --> 01:14:20.370
and, like, a huge part of building community,

1465
01:14:20.370 --> 01:14:22.930
like, doing guest posts

1466
01:14:22.930 --> 01:14:26.300
and promoting other people\'s work

1467
01:14:26.300 --> 01:14:27.780
is really important to me.

1468
01:14:27.780 --> 01:14:30.103
And I think it elevates all of us.

1469
01:14:31.000 --> 01:14:32.670
The ultimate moment for my career, of course,

1470
01:14:32.670 --> 01:14:34.630
was landing night for Curiosity.

1471
01:14:34.630 --> 01:14:38.250
So we were all gathered in the EDL control room,

1472
01:14:38.250 --> 01:14:40.162
and we were seeing the telemetry come in.

1473
01:14:40.162 --> 01:14:42.600
And I think it first hit me, we\'re 15 minutes out

1474
01:14:42.600 --> 01:14:45.450
is where the entry vehicle containing the Rover

1475
01:14:45.450 --> 01:14:46.960
separates from the crew stage.

1476
01:14:46.960 --> 01:14:49.740
But because of the time delay between Earth and Mars,

1477
01:14:49.740 --> 01:14:51.490
it actually had already landed at that point.

1478
01:14:51.490 --> 01:14:52.790
Because you only see the information

1479
01:14:52.790 --> 01:14:53.820
sort of 15 minutes ago.

1480
01:14:53.820 --> 01:14:55.820
So that point was kind of like looking back in time.

1481
01:14:55.820 --> 01:14:57.460
So that was the highlight of my career,

1482
01:14:57.460 --> 01:14:58.930
is landing something, you know,

1483
01:14:58.930 --> 01:15:01.313
so many hundreds of millions of miles away,

1484
01:15:02.190 --> 01:15:03.900
and having been a part of that,

1485
01:15:03.900 --> 01:15:05.960
in an important technical role.

1486
01:15:05.960 --> 01:15:08.030
For me that was very satisfying.

1487
01:15:08.030 --> 01:15:10.530
I feel like the word nerd and its meaning

1488
01:15:10.530 --> 01:15:12.410
is very elusive and it does mean

1489
01:15:12.410 --> 01:15:15.200
different things to different people at this point.

1490
01:15:15.200 --> 01:15:16.840
But for me, I\'m more comfortable

1491
01:15:16.840 --> 01:15:19.560
with the definition of a nerd just being someone

1492
01:15:19.560 --> 01:15:22.780
who is comfortable with their unique sense of identity

1493
01:15:22.780 --> 01:15:26.470
and just sort of having their own idiosyncrasies

1494
01:15:26.470 --> 01:15:27.740
and being okay with that

1495
01:15:27.740 --> 01:15:30.650
and not trying to be what everybody else wants them to be

1496
01:15:30.650 --> 01:15:33.000
or what society thingk they should be.

1497
01:15:33.000 --> 01:15:35.720
What it means to me to be a nerd is someone

1498
01:15:35.720 --> 01:15:38.460
who is comfortable in their own skin,

1499
01:15:38.460 --> 01:15:41.780
someone who doesn\'t conform to the status quo.

1500
01:15:41.780 --> 01:15:43.950
And I\'ve never been someone

1501
01:15:43.950 --> 01:15:46.480
that\'s sat at the cool kids\' table. (chuckles)

1502
01:15:46.480 --> 01:15:50.330
I\'m just comfortable being an introvert

1503
01:15:50.330 --> 01:15:53.900
and being on my own and living in solitude

1504
01:15:53.900 --> 01:15:57.700
and focusing on the things that are of interest to me.

1505
01:15:57.700 --> 01:16:01.120
So I have a very unique definition of nerd,

1506
01:16:01.120 --> 01:16:05.626
and that is someone who lacks conformity.

1507
01:16:05.626 --> 01:16:08.043
(soft music)

1508
01:16:11.256 --> 01:16:12.950
As I listened to their stories,

1509
01:16:12.950 --> 01:16:14.800
I saw shadows of the same struggle

1510
01:16:14.800 --> 01:16:16.683
surfacing in each of their words,

1511
01:16:17.560 --> 01:16:20.050
struggles for acceptance,

1512
01:16:20.050 --> 01:16:22.883
acceptance of yourself, of others.

1513
01:16:24.810 --> 01:16:26.830
The words of these remarkable women

1514
01:16:26.830 --> 01:16:29.223
stand as a reminder that you\'re not alone.

1515
01:16:30.460 --> 01:16:31.430
You\'re not the only one

1516
01:16:31.430 --> 01:16:33.547
who feels the game\'s rigged against you.

1517
01:16:34.854 --> 01:16:37.220
You\'re not the only one who is angry

1518
01:16:37.220 --> 01:16:39.693
or depressed or lonely.

1519
01:16:41.367 --> 01:16:44.006
It\'s not about being a geek.

1520
01:16:44.006 --> 01:16:45.774
It\'s about being human.

1521
01:16:45.774 --> 01:16:48.191
(soft music)

1522
01:16:50.500 --> 01:16:53.630
It\'s important to be open to, like, things changing

1523
01:16:54.730 --> 01:16:57.700
and passing on forward where you can

1524
01:16:57.700 --> 01:16:59.150
in order for yourself, like,

1525
01:16:59.150 --> 01:17:00.640
in order for me to stay relevant,

1526
01:17:00.640 --> 01:17:02.040
I think it\'s really important for me

1527
01:17:02.040 --> 01:17:05.370
that, if somebody comes up to me at an artists\' alley

1528
01:17:05.370 --> 01:17:06.607
and is, like, \"You made a book.

1529
01:17:06.607 --> 01:17:08.740
\"How do I make books,\" is that to share that knowledge

1530
01:17:08.740 --> 01:17:11.340
and not just, like, gatekeep and keep it for myself.

1531
01:17:12.511 --> 01:17:14.280
And lately, I can give them advice.

1532
01:17:14.280 --> 01:17:15.350
And if they don\'t listen to my advice,

1533
01:17:15.350 --> 01:17:17.790
that\'s totally okay, too. (chuckles)

1534
01:17:17.790 --> 01:17:19.750
But, you know at least I\'ve offered something

1535
01:17:19.750 --> 01:17:22.730
and not just been antagonized new people

1536
01:17:22.730 --> 01:17:24.830
or antagonized people that are just starting out

1537
01:17:24.830 --> 01:17:27.580
or starting, trying this thing,

1538
01:17:27.580 --> 01:17:28.810
even if they don\'t stay in it.

1539
01:17:28.810 --> 01:17:31.713
Or even if I, you know, I think that\'s really important.

1540
01:17:32.890 --> 01:17:35.500
A couple years ago, I started realizing

1541
01:17:35.500 --> 01:17:40.500
how much harassment online was causing me pain and issues

1542
01:17:41.360 --> 01:17:45.030
and that I\'m lucky that I\'m a stubborn person

1543
01:17:45.030 --> 01:17:47.623
and that I can go through it by myself.

1544
01:17:48.570 --> 01:17:50.270
But not everyone is.

1545
01:17:50.270 --> 01:17:52.110
And I don\'t think they should go through it.

1546
01:17:52.110 --> 01:17:54.260
And I think I have a chance to have a voice

1547
01:17:54.260 --> 01:17:58.806
and say that cyber bullying is horrible

1548
01:17:58.806 --> 01:18:01.030
and make sure that people are conscientious about it.

1549
01:18:01.030 --> 01:18:02.970
The thing is that I also realized a couple years ago

1550
01:18:02.970 --> 01:18:05.877
that people would say, \"Oh, cyber bullying is not a thing,

1551
01:18:05.877 --> 01:18:07.610
\"just close your computer.\"

1552
01:18:07.610 --> 01:18:11.270
Excuse me, but in 2016, you cannot disconnect.

1553
01:18:11.270 --> 01:18:12.580
There\'s no way you can disconnect.

1554
01:18:12.580 --> 01:18:15.720
You\'re connected from everywhere, from everything.

1555
01:18:15.720 --> 01:18:17.950
We need to do something as a society.

1556
01:18:17.950 --> 01:18:19.570
And that hasn\'t to do with gaming,

1557
01:18:19.570 --> 01:18:22.230
it\'s legit that society needs to do something about it.

1558
01:18:22.230 --> 01:18:23.560
We need support from government.

1559
01:18:23.560 --> 01:18:25.680
We need people to know that it exists.

1560
01:18:25.680 --> 01:18:27.180
We need parents to be concerned

1561
01:18:27.180 --> 01:18:28.940
that their kids are doing bad things,

1562
01:18:28.940 --> 01:18:31.740
even at 10 years old, they\'re right now online.

1563
01:18:31.740 --> 01:18:35.270
And actually I\'ve seen a lot of ads from Canada

1564
01:18:35.270 --> 01:18:36.930
about cyber bullying in the last years

1565
01:18:36.930 --> 01:18:38.753
that I\'m really proud of Canada for it.

1566
01:18:40.520 --> 01:18:42.050
To have an interest in science fiction,

1567
01:18:42.050 --> 01:18:44.090
it actually is powerful to be able to translate that

1568
01:18:44.090 --> 01:18:46.270
into a career in science and engineering.

1569
01:18:46.270 --> 01:18:49.100
So I think I would like to even use that kind of venue

1570
01:18:49.100 --> 01:18:50.940
as a means of getting that young group

1571
01:18:50.940 --> 01:18:53.150
that\'s super interested in this stuff

1572
01:18:53.150 --> 01:18:54.877
and dressing up and cosplay to say,

1573
01:18:54.877 --> 01:18:56.637
\"But it\'s more than just fun.

1574
01:18:56.637 --> 01:18:59.317
\"It\'s actually a potential career for you.\"

1575
01:19:00.154 --> 01:19:01.610
And not, I\'m not even talking about on the media side.

1576
01:19:01.610 --> 01:19:03.380
I\'m talking about literally you can go

1577
01:19:03.380 --> 01:19:05.560
and design spacecraft,

1578
01:19:05.560 --> 01:19:07.880
you can go and design habitats for the surface of Mars

1579
01:19:07.880 --> 01:19:09.580
or things like that.

1580
01:19:09.580 --> 01:19:11.660
To bring that science to reality aspect

1581
01:19:11.660 --> 01:19:13.310
of the science fiction community.

1582
01:19:14.660 --> 01:19:16.380
My dream project in the future,

1583
01:19:16.380 --> 01:19:19.370
probably I really wanna work on a Venus mission.

1584
01:19:19.370 --> 01:19:21.760
I would say an amazing thing if it could happen for me

1585
01:19:21.760 --> 01:19:22.810
is if I get to go in space.

1586
01:19:22.810 --> 01:19:25.250
I think that would be kind of amazing.

1587
01:19:25.250 --> 01:19:28.670
Always follow your passion, always be true to yourself,

1588
01:19:28.670 --> 01:19:30.590
always follow your heart.

1589
01:19:30.590 --> 01:19:32.750
Whatever your dreams are, do what you can

1590
01:19:32.750 --> 01:19:35.540
to make them become a reality and they probably will.

1591
01:19:35.540 --> 01:19:37.540
If you\'re interested in the space program,

1592
01:19:37.540 --> 01:19:39.310
if you want to work on the space program

1593
01:19:39.310 --> 01:19:40.800
and you are trained as an engineer,

1594
01:19:40.800 --> 01:19:43.140
as a scientist, as a mathematician,

1595
01:19:43.140 --> 01:19:45.310
you\'ll be able to work on the space program.

1596
01:19:45.310 --> 01:19:46.260
I\'m pretty confident of that.

1597
01:19:46.260 --> 01:19:48.980
So when you are a motivated individual,

1598
01:19:48.980 --> 01:19:51.690
when you\'re a good team player, when you\'re smart,

1599
01:19:51.690 --> 01:19:53.480
you can usually accomplish what you want to in life.

1600
01:19:53.480 --> 01:19:55.530
And I honestly do believe that you can do

1601
01:19:55.530 --> 01:19:56.760
whatever it is that you want to do.

1602
01:19:56.760 --> 01:19:59.070
You just have to work hard, have a good attitude,

1603
01:19:59.070 --> 01:20:00.580
and educate yourself.

1604
01:20:00.580 --> 01:20:03.069
I wish someone told me that when I was 10.

1605
01:20:03.069 --> 01:20:06.569
(gentle, whimsical music)

1606
01:20:37.941 --> 01:20:40.358
(soft music)

1607
01:20:43.990 --> 01:20:46.410
I\'m going back to Japan again.

1608
01:20:46.410 --> 01:20:47.730
I\'m happy to finish the film

1609
01:20:47.730 --> 01:20:51.283
where I started three years ago, full circle.

1610
01:20:52.940 --> 01:20:55.540
I returned to Japan transformed.

1611
01:20:55.540 --> 01:20:58.840
My encounters with these diverse views and ideas

1612
01:20:58.840 --> 01:21:00.580
have reshaped my own notions

1613
01:21:00.580 --> 01:21:02.443
about what it means to be a geek.

1614
01:21:05.120 --> 01:21:07.710
I found new friends, brave people,

1615
01:21:07.710 --> 01:21:10.290
who taught me that when others try to keep you down

1616
01:21:10.290 --> 01:21:11.620
and silence you,

1617
01:21:11.620 --> 01:21:13.823
you must be saying something challenging.

1618
01:21:15.130 --> 01:21:17.560
The more they try to brush you aside,

1619
01:21:17.560 --> 01:21:19.213
the more you need to resist.

1620
01:21:21.420 --> 01:21:23.940
Being the outcast of the outcasts,

1621
01:21:23.940 --> 01:21:26.970
we\'re destined to create communities outside the margins

1622
01:21:26.970 --> 01:21:28.813
and bypass the gatekeepers.

1623
01:21:29.840 --> 01:21:32.670
Being a geek means living up to that word

1624
01:21:32.670 --> 01:21:35.263
and the possibility that one can take it back.

1625
01:21:36.720 --> 01:21:39.280
As we continually emerge from the margins,

1626
01:21:39.280 --> 01:21:41.270
bruised and defiant,

1627
01:21:41.270 --> 01:21:44.193
we\'ll live with the freedom to love the things we want.

1628
01:21:45.070 --> 01:21:47.935
Sometimes we may feel alone in doing so,

1629
01:21:47.935 --> 01:21:51.340
but if we are not afraid to hold our heads high,

1630
01:21:51.340 --> 01:21:54.693
we might just be able to find each other in the crowd.

1631
01:21:55.603 --> 01:21:58.020
(soft music)

1632
01:22:30.795 --> 01:22:34.378
(lively, upbeat pop music)