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1234.

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When I was in 7th grade, I was in gym class one
day just kind of running around the gym in

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my gross Agassi outfit, and somebody came up to
me and said,

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Oh, Jenny, your sister's a slut.
She had sex with someone over the weekend.

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And I don't remember how I responded.
I know I didn't say anything like don't slut

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bash or, you know, anything like that.

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My feminist self now would say that, but I remember
thinking, I can't believe she's ready to have

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sex.
I can't believe how mature she is.

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I'm a million years away from that.

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Of course, I didn't really know what had
happened.

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I was 14, and it happened at a party where I

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had been drinking for the first time, and everyone
was drinking there and being,

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which I think is the one thing

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that kids do around here when they are in high
school and uncomfortable, as they start drinking,

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um, but we were at this party and

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um, I drank enough so that I needed to take a
nap and I went into

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the bedroom of the boy who had the party, who
had been my boyfriend a couple of weeks earlier,

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but we'd broken up, and his best friend

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came in and

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um, decided really that he was going to

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I guess have sex with me.

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I wasn't passed out to the extent that I knew
this person had come in.

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I knew
that he was trying to come on to me and trying

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to kiss me, and I knew that I didn't want that,
and I was saying no,

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you know, no, I just want to sleep, and also he
wasn't someone I was interested in.

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I didn't feel like I had any control over the
situation.

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I, I didn't feel comfortable enough to just

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scream or do something.

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Um, because I think there was a part of me that
did want not

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not be outrageous or not, you know, just to fit
in.

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I remember for a long time I thought it was my
fault because it wasn't like I'd been tied to a

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tree.
The immediate aftermath was

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I had a complete sense of doom, cause I think
even honestly like

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while it was happening, I was thinking, well,
this is going to be over,

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you know, like I can withstand this.

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I can put up with this until it's over and make
my escape.

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The aftermath, even the next day, was having
friends call me and having people in my grade

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call me and say we heard about what you did and
writing on my locker and, um,

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Just to complete, um.

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Just a total blaming of, of me, um.

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And that's the worst part.

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The intense shunning that happened to me, and I
think happens to a lot of, I

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mostly know young women who have had this
similar story is so I think it is more, is is

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the most detrimental part of the story; is the
most damaging.

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You know, writing on my locker that I was a
slut, and I would do it with anyone,

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and I, I hung out with my parents a lot on the
weekends and I think they knew because I wasn't

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grounded for once, so they're like, hmm, why is
she hanging out with us?

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I didn't want to go anywhere.
The two people who stood up for me that I

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remember were, um, one friend whose locker was
next to mine.

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And he would just erase it.

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The person who was my only female friend at the
time, I think she just.

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You know, I, I haven't kept in touch with her,
but she just didn't care.

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Afterwards he was always.

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Sort of leeringly friendly to me.

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And then, um, we did end up dating and and.

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Senior year.
So, what do you think led to that?

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You remember at the time having consciousness
of like,

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I'm dating someone who did this awful thing to
me at one point.

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I don't think the consciousness happened until
I was in college and I thought back and thought.

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That doesn't, that whole, that whole series of
events doesn't.

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Doesn't seem right, you know, by senior year, I
think dating him,

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there's a different power dynamic and I, in a
sense, I think I had kind of been successful.

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By finally then dating him in a, in a more I
guess traditional way,

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you know, it was like normalizing things, the
consciousness of,

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of the fact that.
He violated me.

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In 9th grade didn't didn't hit me till much
later.

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I haven't kept in touch with any of these
people, so, or very few of them,

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so.
Really it was my 20 year high school reunion

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going to that where I've realized like an hour
before that I was shakingly mad,

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just furious, um.

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At some of these people, still just seeing
them as balding 40 year olds or whatever, we

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were at the, you know, I just thought this is

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I hope you have daughters.

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Hope you don't have to worry about your daughters
meeting people like you.

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Stays here, the work up, up on stage.

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And they've approached Haiku for my mother.

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Chinaman left her black child in her flat
belly, rock,

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stone in her heart.

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My name's Stacy Ann, Stacy Ann Chin, and I was
raised in Montego Bay,

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Jamaica.
My mother is black Jamaican, comes from very

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poor stock.

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My father.

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And shall we put that in quotes, my father in
quotes is

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Jamaican Chinese.

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He says I am not his child.
My mother says he is because he raped her.

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I think less than I feel like I'm a product of
rape.

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I feel like I wasn't a product of love.

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Which is equally stunning in its ability to

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you know, bring it to your knees, I suppose.

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I only saw my mother once during my life, as you
know, up before I was 25.

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I saw her when I was 9, when she came to visit.

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She took me to my

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grand aunt's house, a house that had many, many
people, about 11 people,

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and we had about 3 or 4 rooms.

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I was completely without the protection of
anyone who was looking out for my

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welfare.

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And then on top of it there was a brutality of
being beaten all the time and being told how

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much of a
a burden you are and how you

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you know, and I was a kid, I was 9 when I went
to live with them,

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so I all of a sudden I was completely
responsible for washing my clothes and my hair

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and
um, my bed sheets and all those things, and we

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didn't have a washing machine, so I had to wash
everything by hand, and so of course they

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weren't clean, so I always kind of smelled a
little funny, and I started to work really hard

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towards becoming a member of the
middle class, and I worked hard in school and

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passed my exams and went to college in Kingston
and

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by the time I was 21, I was a self-declared
lesbian on campus,

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which was unheard of in Jamaica.
I was saying quite loudly,

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I'm a lesbian, you know, I eat pussy, so what,
you know,

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I think it was my coming into a time.

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when I knew.

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that I was my own person who could make my own
decisions, and that

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there wouldn't be the kind of
repercussions that I had been used to as a

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child.
During that time, I became a bit of a loner,

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had my headphones on, walking across campus by
myself, and these boys,

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they had a history of like saying things to me.

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Um, and I would always be quick, you know, I
would, you know,

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one boy would be like, you know, why you like
girls, you know,

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come, come up to my room and I'll show you what
you're missing and then you won't want no pussy

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anymore.
And I would, you know, kind of say things that

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deeply emasculated them.

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I would say things like, of course, your
shriveled-up little dick is the reason I am

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going to turn over.

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And one day I just had my headphones on and I
was kind of jam into Sarah McLachlan,

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um, and.

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I looked up and then, you know, the boys had
circled me, like a dozen of them or so.

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And they pushed me in the bathroom and nobody
was in the bathroom, and

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they pushed me up against the wall and, um, you
know, took my shirt off and took my bra off,

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took my skirt off, you know, put their hands
inside my vagina,

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um, hit me, you know, um.

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Assaulted me, and so, and then a a a young boy
came in.

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And, you know, the conversation and interaction
that happened gave me the room to kind of slip

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out and run, and I got home. It was after
that incident that I realized that it was

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really unsafe for me to be a lesbian in Jamaica,
so I came to America.

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I'd somehow associated being vulnerable to
sexual violence with being

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a little girl.
Being poor

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and not being strong.

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You know, so now that I was feeling very strong
and I wasn't poor and I wasn't.

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A little girl.
That I didn't consider that that kind of thing

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could happen to me.
So I bought a ticket and came to the US, and so

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I kind of started exploring the city and bumped
into the New York Rican Poet's Cafe where

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people were reading poems loud and very
dramatically, and I thought I wanted

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to do that.
My first poems were about being a lesbian and

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being safe.

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I think I wrote some poem about that.

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And like, I stabbed some guy because he was
trying to rape me, and he died, and then I went

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to prison, and I was happy because it was only
women there.

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That was one of my first poems, I think, um, at
the New York Poet's Cafe.

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People loved it.

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I'm the youngest of eight kids.

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I grew up in Buffalo, New York, um, in a very
Catholic family.

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Irish and Polish Catholic.
All the girls' names begin with C,

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all the boys' names begin with J for Jesus
Christ, yeah.

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I grew up in Buffalo, but my parents had this
cottage in Canada, and I had this group of

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friends in Canada, and that I was with, that I
hung out with in the summers.

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And one of my best girlfriends met a guy.

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And he, and he was older, and he and all of
his friends rented their own cottage.

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They were like out of college, and we were in
high school, or they were in college,

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but they were like guys with their own cottage,
like there were no parents.

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There was a sense of, wouldn't it be great if
one of their,

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there were like six or seven guys, like if, if, if it
would work out with one of them,

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you know, like I would find one of them to be
my boyfriend, and then we'd have boyfriends, and

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they'd be friends, we'd all be friends.

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So I fooled around with two of her friends,
with two of her boyfriend's friends,

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and we went out, and we were hanging out with
them every night,

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we would have bonfires, they always had beer.

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And one night it was, it was my friend and.

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her boyfriend.

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And me and this other guy.

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And he was one of their friends that I didn't
really like.

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I didn't, I didn't like his personality.
He wasn't good looking.

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My friend and her boyfriend went off into a
room by herself, and we'd all been drinking, and

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then.
I remember he turned the light off, and I,

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but I remember I let him kiss me.

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And I was, and I remember thinking like it's
dark, it doesn't really matter.

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Um, and then he like ripped my pants off.

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I was like clawing, and I like screaming and
clawing it, it got, it, it was, it was violent, and

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like just really bad.

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Um, and I remember that I was screaming, no, no, no,
and he clamped his hand over my face.

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Um, and my friend and her boyfriend came out
of the room,

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whatever, and I just remember that I grabbed my
clothes and I ran and I ran home.

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I think I didn't hang out with those guys
afterwards.

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And they gave this tape.

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To my girlfriend, to my friend, um, and said,
oh, give it back to,

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to, to me, and um.

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And it was a tape that I had left at their
house.

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It was a cassette tape of like 60s music,
and um we had all been

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dancing around in the living room to like my
boyfriend's back or whatever, and uh they took

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this tape, this group of guys took this
cassette tape that was mine.

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And put it in their boom box or whatever and
pressed record.

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He put his boner in my fridge.

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Take out all the shells in the refrigerator,
put her in broom handle.

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Hey, Rudy, got some leftovers in the morning.
Jeff.

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She got broom handle off her, cut girl.
He jammed his bone around my

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cut.
It was the

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80s when it happened.

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Like bulimia was the big after school special
then, like they hadn't quite gotten to rape yet.

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And I won an award for my senior term paper.
I was at this prep school where we had to write

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like 20-page term papers on one poem, and I
wrote mine on Leda and the Swan and won the

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award for my poem and I, and I so fucked up

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because I don't want to get into this victim
mentality, but I feel like I have it in a sense.

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Like,
I can't believe that all of these teachers read

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this term paper and that nobody said.

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How do you know so much about rape?

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Like, how do you know this?

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I didn't go out of my way to talk about it, but
I definitely was acting out in so many ways.

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I was really promiscuous, like all of the kind
of like

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warning signs that everybody knows now, you
know, were so there, and so I kind of just.

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Um, not paid attention to.

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The thing about being a victim of rape, um.

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About being, about being somebody who's out of
control and has something terrible happen to

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them, um.

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Like that loss of control, the thing that I
hated the most about it for years was the

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hatred that I had inside of me.

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Like, I hated hating him so much.
I hated caring,

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thinking about him.

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I hated hating him.

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I want, I want to interview you.

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Can you sit there a second?

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Hi, Annie.
Hi, Annie.

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Annie, did you have, what did you do today,
Annie?

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What?
Family life, um, for me.

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Was pretty good, like pretty standard, you know,
like I have a brother and a sister and we had a

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tree house and I went to private school and I
don't think I ever was told by my parents about

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sex, but like, I don't know how I know what it is.
But I remember with my Barbies, like slapping them

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together, and um, but I didn't
really understand until I got out of private

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school and went to public school in 5th grade,
and then I was taught everything, so yeah, and

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that's what I think I started realizing,
like, oh, that stuff's happening.

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I was molested or raped, whatever I guess you
could classify it as, um, between the ages of 4

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and 10, so I can remember and that's what I
gauge it as, but it wasn't like, um, like

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every day or every week. It was like very random
times and I only remember certain things

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about those times, but I know it happened
probably like

20:10.619 --> 20:17.579
6 or 7 or 8 or I just know it wasn't like 2 or
3. It was up there, and especially

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in the beginning, I had no idea because like
when I was born I had a yeast infection, so I

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always had continually had like yeast infection
problems when I was little, so that was a way

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for my dad to like, um, I thought like he was
like, you know, taking care of my medicine

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problem.
All right, read around the pool list.

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The box is for small.
In 5th grade, and this is the last time I was

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in the pool and my dad was, uh, it was grossing
me out,

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but my dad, like, um, his penis touched me,
whatever, and I got in the house and I started

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knowing like, OK, wait a minute, like for real
now I know something's not right,

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and he called me into the bathroom.
I remember and he was just standing there naked

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and like waiting, and something just hit me and
I was like

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No, and I ran into my room and I slammed the
door and I was like,

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you have a fucking wife.
Like I remember saying that and I just like

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slammed the door and he was laughing, which is
pretty like traumatic,

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and then after that, he's like, you know, I'm
really sorry,

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like I won't do it anymore, and he really
didn't do it after that.

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I think I have blocked out on purpose some of
the things.

21:36.219 --> 21:39.310
But I remember specific things,
like I remember the first time.

21:39.380 --> 21:44.180
I remember we were on a bed with peach
sheets and he told me,

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'cause I'm the middle child, that I'll be
the favorite.

21:48.430 --> 21:55.180
I remember we were in my mom's bathroom and I
just remember lying on the

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floor face down and I know he's doing something
with my rear and ish area.

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And I don't know what, but whatever it is,
I'm petrified if any boy touches me

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anywhere there. Like I know one time he took me
into the shower and he

22:13.890 --> 22:18.569
masturbated in front of me in there and I'm
pretty sure there was more stuff, but that is

22:18.569 --> 22:24.930
the only thing I remember about that time on
the peach sheets. I'm pretty sure that he

22:24.930 --> 22:29.010
made me suck his penis, which I don't like
saying, but.

22:29.849 --> 22:34.760
And yeah, I know there are other times, but
those are the ones I really solidly

22:34.760 --> 22:38.459
remember. So that's like the only time I've
ever said that, so.

22:40.869 --> 22:41.869
OK.

22:48.420 --> 22:49.780
I normally get sad.

22:56.469 --> 23:02.530
So my mom during all this was just out of the
house. I don't think, you know,

23:02.530 --> 23:07.670
obviously you want to trust her husband, so
more and more around like 5th grade I would

23:07.670 --> 23:12.449
start telling myself I want to tell her but I
can't because then they'll get divorced and I

23:12.449 --> 23:14.670
don't want to be the cause of a divorce.

23:20.959 --> 23:25.579
The way it all came out, my mom was like, You
guys have to go out to dinner with your dad and

23:25.579 --> 23:28.380
I don't know. Just something inside me,
I was starting to get really freaked

23:28.380 --> 23:30.250
out and I was like, no, I'm not going out to
dinner.

23:30.459 --> 23:35.130
So my sister and brother went and then one day
I just couldn't escape it.

23:35.140 --> 23:36.619
My mom's like, Hey, you've been putting this
off.

23:36.660 --> 23:38.099
You need to go to dinner, so.

23:38.750 --> 23:43.420
I got in the car and just something came over
me and I just started bawling.

23:43.459 --> 23:45.270
I was like, let me out of this car,
I screamed.

23:45.300 --> 23:50.859
I'm like, you know what you fucking did.
I had never said that before and so

23:50.859 --> 23:55.459
it made it real at that moment. Like I never
really knew if it was real, and then it

23:55.459 --> 23:58.859
became real and he's like, have you told
anyone?

23:59.000 --> 24:01.410
And I said no. He's like, well I think you
should tell your mom.

24:01.739 --> 24:06.050
So he drove me back and I walked into my house
and I was hysterically crying.

24:06.660 --> 24:09.150
And my mom was like, What's wrong?
And I was like,

24:09.239 --> 24:13.479
I was just crying, so she ran outside and she
was talking to my dad and then my brother came

24:13.479 --> 24:15.390
up to me and he's like, Annie, what's wrong?

24:15.630 --> 24:19.630
And I really didn't want to tell him and he
made me, and my brother chased him and ran out

24:19.630 --> 24:21.829
and pulled him out of the car and like punched
him and pulled him,

24:21.839 --> 24:23.069
you know, not to come back.

24:28.069 --> 24:31.880
I think my mom was talking about pressing
charges, um,

24:32.229 --> 24:36.300
but then when that was said, I was just like,
uh no,

24:36.430 --> 24:39.459
I can't like go through that, that's just way
too much.

24:46.959 --> 24:53.719
After everything came out I, we still kind of
had a relationship, like, because

24:53.719 --> 24:58.599
I was obviously, it wasn't news to me, like
that's what I say, like, I know what's happened

24:58.599 --> 25:01.880
to me and I've known for a long time so this
isn't shocking to me.

25:12.109 --> 25:14.079
Um, I got a phone call from my mom.

25:14.829 --> 25:19.219
And she said, you know, I just, you'll never
believe who I just got off the phone with and I

25:19.219 --> 25:24.849
was like, oh God, who, you know, and she's like
I got off the phone with your old babysitter

25:25.339 --> 25:32.300
and she told me that she too was molested by
Louis. OK, Louis is

25:32.300 --> 25:34.689
my dad, that's what I call him from here on out
in the story,

25:34.739 --> 25:37.650
so, um, because I don't like saying my dad
anymore.

25:38.180 --> 25:42.000
It was so upsetting for me to hear it to happen
to someone else because.

25:43.119 --> 25:48.199
Like I said, my entire life I thought it was
just me and not that it's OK that it was just

25:48.199 --> 25:55.119
me, but I could live with it being just me but
when I found out about my babysitter that made

25:55.119 --> 25:58.300
me think who the hell else is this happening to?

25:58.520 --> 26:00.599
Is this still happening and.

26:01.589 --> 26:07.880
I have the power to prevent it and to stop it
and so that's really what was so upsetting like

26:08.060 --> 26:13.219
if I would have done this earlier, perhaps who
knows how many other people would have been

26:13.219 --> 26:14.219
affected.

26:21.189 --> 26:25.910
But prior to going into this interview, I had
already negotiated like I needed to use words

26:25.910 --> 26:27.270
that made me feel OK.

26:28.030 --> 26:33.849
I can't take a positive term that I would use
in my actual sexual relationships that are

26:33.849 --> 26:36.079
positive and apply it to such a negative
situation.

26:36.170 --> 26:40.400
So I medical words I think are not sexy
whatsoever.

26:40.650 --> 26:42.729
So Felicio was like the key.

26:43.630 --> 26:46.819
Word in the situation because that's what would
fall under the law,

26:46.949 --> 26:51.089
OK, so.
I had to ask him about each specific incident.

26:51.089 --> 26:55.810
And I, and I was like, you know, I believe I was
like I can't remember the first time

26:55.810 --> 27:01.369
specifically, but I do remember a time where we
were on your bed and I was like, and you forced

27:01.369 --> 27:07.239
me to do fellatio and he's like, oh yeah, huh,
yeah, oh yeah,

27:07.410 --> 27:09.359
yeah, yeah, you're right.

27:09.709 --> 27:13.489
Like, and he was, oh God, it just, he was so,
yeah.

27:14.130 --> 27:17.709
Oh, but Annie, if I ever, if I ever saw you
were uncomfortable,

27:17.849 --> 27:21.410
I would make you stop, like a great fucking
hero he is.

27:21.770 --> 27:24.599
Like I was just like, uh-huh, OK, great.
Moving on.

27:24.729 --> 27:28.839
Like I was very stern about it, and he
continually, throughout the conversation, said.

27:29.260 --> 27:36.180
But you see Annie, I had no choice because I
was asserting the power, um, that I

27:36.180 --> 27:40.849
lost when my brother did this to me, on to you,
and I was like,

27:40.979 --> 27:47.979
oh God bless women's studies because I was so
mentally prepped, I feel like, to hear that, and I

27:47.979 --> 27:52.140
feel like.
This was, this was supposed to happen at this

27:52.140 --> 27:54.349
point in my life because I could deal with that.

28:09.719 --> 28:14.069
I would get really upset and think, well, what
was he thinking before he killed himself, and

28:14.069 --> 28:15.910
think I'd get really upset about that.

28:16.780 --> 28:19.239
And I just can't, like, that's not my problem,
you know,

28:19.339 --> 28:24.270
like he, once again, I had to just keep reminding
myself that was his choice, that was his choice,

28:24.479 --> 28:27.869
you know, like I kept thinking his number one
fear in life is to be raped,

28:27.939 --> 28:31.839
and he knew if he went to jail, he'd be raped,
and that's why he killed himself, and,

28:32.069 --> 28:35.189
and as my boyfriend pointed out to me a million
times, like Annie,

28:35.199 --> 28:39.300
he still chose to do what he did, full well
knowing those repercussions,

28:39.319 --> 28:40.680
so it's not your fault.

29:13.869 --> 29:18.619
I actually became sexual in high school, and it
was in these incredibly fraught

29:18.619 --> 29:19.810
circumstances.

29:20.099 --> 29:27.079
Um, Indianapolis was just, a heartland, uh, but a
pretty severe social system where

29:27.180 --> 29:30.500
where girls were concerned.
I mean, it was, it was,

29:30.579 --> 29:32.569
you know, virginity or death.

29:34.130 --> 29:40.329
Bryn Mawr was a very enlightened place, and it
believed in keeping its nose out of

29:40.329 --> 29:45.420
students' personal lives.
I didn't, I didn't lose my virginity until my

29:45.420 --> 29:52.130
senior year, and when I did, I, I, I sort of

29:52.130 --> 29:57.510
chose the boy, and I, and I prepared and lost my
virginity.

29:57.810 --> 30:01.400
So when I was at the ripe old age of 21, I was
one of the last.

30:01.890 --> 30:05.640
I mean, I discovered that, that I, that I just
loved sex,

30:05.709 --> 30:07.589
that it was wonderful, you know.

30:15.189 --> 30:20.760
I was at a big party for the opening of a new
club, and I was fairly high,

30:20.969 --> 30:23.489
um, I probably had.

30:24.270 --> 30:26.760
I probably had some coke because everybody did
in those days.

30:26.810 --> 30:30.579
This was, um, '79.

30:30.930 --> 30:36.089
This very charming guy, you know, started
talking to me at one point when we were getting

30:36.089 --> 30:38.290
drinks.
He was fun.

30:38.829 --> 30:42.020
He was very good-looking, and then eventually,
you know,

30:42.229 --> 30:47.069
he, he asked if he could come
home with me.

30:48.060 --> 30:54.410
And I had a fatal thought, which was, why are
you always saying no?

31:01.170 --> 31:03.459
As we started to.

31:04.349 --> 31:09.910
You know, get ready to have sex,
I excused myself to go into the bathroom and

31:09.910 --> 31:16.869
um, to put my diaphragm on, and he grabbed
my wrist so hard that I felt

31:16.869 --> 31:22.329
like the bones were knocking, and it was really
shocking, and he said, don't put that thing on.

31:22.869 --> 31:26.459
I was immediately frightened, I mean really
seriously frightened.

31:26.510 --> 31:29.989
He was so strong, and I was naked.

31:30.680 --> 31:36.160
And I heard myself say, I mean this was
the beginning of sort of going into a slightly

31:36.160 --> 31:41.079
altered state, uh, but I heard myself say,
oh, but I have to,

31:41.130 --> 31:44.650
I'm, I'm having my period, and it'll catch
the blood.

31:45.520 --> 31:51.380
And he looked stunned for a moment, and
really it was a lie.

31:51.430 --> 31:57.229
I mean, it was, but I was somehow just obsessed with having to.
Have that barrier.

31:58.229 --> 31:59.550
Have that barrier.

32:02.310 --> 32:07.010
This was a small apartment, and I went out of
the bedroom.

32:08.349 --> 32:11.439
And as I started to go into the bathroom,

32:12.469 --> 32:17.270
I was aware that, you know, the door was like 20
feet away,

32:17.339 --> 32:24.250
25 feet away, the door out into the hall, but all
I could see was having to go out there

32:24.250 --> 32:29.530
naked and knock on someone's door, and
I couldn't face it.

32:34.099 --> 32:38.319
As we started to have sex, he had the most
frightening look in his eyes,

32:38.660 --> 32:44.410
a kind of fury, you know, and he was very rough.
And he was very rough.

32:45.140 --> 32:49.319
I took care not to look in those eyes any more
than I could help.

32:50.310 --> 32:53.089
Um, I felt it was dangerous to do that.

32:53.459 --> 32:59.459
By not looking at him, I didn't have to
acknowledge this weird anger that he seemed to

32:59.459 --> 33:01.650
be experiencing.
His teeth were clenched.

33:01.739 --> 33:02.739
There was no kissing.

33:03.349 --> 33:10.250
I, and, and, um, I did, I pretended not to
be hurt by

33:10.250 --> 33:13.920
the stuff that was going on.
It happened pretty fast.

33:14.969 --> 33:21.890
And he leapt up and went out of the room, uh,
into

33:21.890 --> 33:24.800
the living room where most of his clothes were.

33:25.510 --> 33:28.719
and I was then.

33:30.489 --> 33:35.020
entirely back inside myself and just, just
scared out of my skull.

33:35.130 --> 33:40.339
I heard the door open and slam shut and I
thought, can he be gone?

33:40.369 --> 33:43.750
And then I heard him
you know, racing down the stairs.

33:46.160 --> 33:53.089
I called my friend Ellen and I

33:53.089 --> 33:54.439
knew why I was calling her.

33:54.650 --> 33:57.839
she had been raped.
She had been the victim of a brutal rape,

33:58.290 --> 34:03.160
and she had written extensively, she'd
researched and written a long article.

34:04.020 --> 34:06.109
I said, can I have a bath?

34:08.050 --> 34:12.689
or I guess I should call the police.
He'll do this to other people and

34:13.608 --> 34:16.229
she said, she said, um.

34:17.040 --> 34:19.649
I'm so sorry to tell you this but

34:21.309 --> 34:26.218
what happened to you is not legally rape in New
York State and it wasn't.

34:26.489 --> 34:29.138
I, the laws were horrendous then.

34:29.428 --> 34:32.178
what I needed to be was like physically torn.

34:32.628 --> 34:34.708
there had to be evidence that I had fought.

34:35.479 --> 34:39.699
and I had not fought.
I had submitted in absolute terror.

34:39.860 --> 34:46.169
Ellen told me that in fact it would be a
thankless task and that I would tell the

34:46.169 --> 34:47.399
story to the police.

34:47.709 --> 34:50.139
this guy I'd met at a party.
I'd brought him home.

34:50.350 --> 34:53.629
I, I'd undressed.
He didn't tear my clothes off.

34:54.260 --> 34:59.669
She couldn't have been better, but she noticed
that I was not using the R word.

34:59.909 --> 35:02.060
Why aren't you saying rape?

35:03.020 --> 35:04.780
and, and I said, well.

35:05.610 --> 35:09.489
you know, I mean, look at it, look what I did,
and, and,

35:09.610 --> 35:14.739
and she said, um, she said that, you know, the
only reason you had sex with him was that you

35:14.739 --> 35:16.689
were completely frightened not to.

35:17.479 --> 35:21.229
and she said anytime anybody has sex with
anyone else,

35:22.639 --> 35:24.719
out of fear, it's rape.

35:36.800 --> 35:40.479
born and raised in New Jersey my entire life,
my dad's from Kenya,

35:40.560 --> 35:46.679
my mom's from the Bahamas, so I had always an
interesting intersection of being a first

35:46.679 --> 35:50.959
generation American with immigrant parents from
two different cultures.

35:51.239 --> 35:54.229
My dad, I remember once said to a boy, you can
look but don't touch,

35:54.760 --> 35:58.560
and my mom would say, boys only want one thing
from you,

35:58.570 --> 36:00.530
and once they get it, they will leave you.

36:00.840 --> 36:06.000
The day I left for college, my mom said, she said, um.

36:07.179 --> 36:10.770
Don't be alone in a room with a boy because
your reputation is all you have.

36:20.030 --> 36:24.469
Freshman year was an adjustment.
My parents were so strict that I kind of went

36:24.469 --> 36:30.669
kind of wild, but it was a big struggle also
like, um, academically.

36:31.110 --> 36:35.399
Because I didn't know how to ask for help
because I never really needed to ask for help.

36:35.399 --> 36:37.870
Before.
I took classes over the summer and I was able

36:37.870 --> 36:42.399
to catch up with the credits that I did miss
from that semester, and I was still on track.

36:42.510 --> 36:49.389
So, um, I felt that, you know, it would be OK
and then I sort of got another.

36:50.439 --> 36:56.270
Wrench thrown into things. You can sort of say
when I started dating my ex-boyfriend.

36:57.939 --> 37:04.610
In retrospect, he was one who took silence as
consent, so it's really a weird first

37:04.610 --> 37:06.550
experience where I felt like.

37:07.709 --> 37:11.260
You kind of like took sex from me.

37:25.290 --> 37:29.879
We got into some argument and he wanted me to
leave, but I wasn't leaving fast enough,

37:29.959 --> 37:35.070
so he called the cops on me.
He told the Tufts police how I wasn't a student

37:35.070 --> 37:36.550
there, so they arrested me.

37:36.800 --> 37:41.989
That sort of like changed the dynamic because
he always was able to hold that over my head.

37:46.699 --> 37:50.909
I think it was Halloween.
I, like, went to his fraternity.

37:51.290 --> 37:56.760
I had a drink and I, like, I almost completely
blacked out from that night.

37:56.939 --> 38:01.889
So I remember bits and pieces and apparently I
ran into him.

38:02.620 --> 38:06.840
And then he walks me home, but clearly it
wasn't in the position to consent.

38:07.330 --> 38:13.290
So I wake up in his place the next day and you
know there was, like, a little bit of a voice in

38:13.290 --> 38:16.320
the back of my head saying, you know, like
that's rape,

38:16.489 --> 38:18.840
like you should call the cops, but then.

38:19.719 --> 38:23.860
I remembered my experience being arrested
months before and I'm like.

38:24.959 --> 38:27.709
No one's gonna believe me or like I already
have a record,

38:27.840 --> 38:28.989
so, um.

38:30.060 --> 38:33.919
I'm not gonna be taken seriously, so I was like,
let me just date him.

38:35.090 --> 38:38.540
Um, because that would be easier and maybe.

38:39.620 --> 38:42.969
People at Tufts one think that I'm, I'm crazy
'cause I got arrested.

38:48.580 --> 38:50.030
He was very drunk.

38:50.320 --> 38:55.239
We're at a bar and he got kicked out for, like,
threatening my life, basically.

38:56.699 --> 38:59.030
I felt really bad he got kicked out, so I was
like, oh,

38:59.090 --> 39:01.340
let me just take him home.
He's just being belligerent.

39:01.409 --> 39:03.520
Like, I don't want him to get lost.
So I went home.

39:03.570 --> 39:09.439
I walked him back to his place, and he physically hurt me on the way home.

39:10.300 --> 39:12.570
That sort of was like my last straw.

39:24.929 --> 39:28.659
I filed a statement with the Tufts police that went nowhere.

39:29.409 --> 39:34.370
I also filed a complaint with the Tufts student judicial process detailing his abuse over the
past years that also went nowhere.

39:34.370 --> 39:37.320
That also went nowhere.

39:37.689 --> 39:41.159
So I filed a Title IX complaint with the Office of Civil Rights.

39:41.449 --> 39:42.919
That complaint is still pending.

39:43.840 --> 39:49.449
I even made a website about what happened to me at Tufts, sort of to scare them,

39:49.580 --> 39:54.020
which was kind of awesome because it terrified them, and they actually made some changes to
their sexual assault policy after reading my website.

39:54.020 --> 39:57.219
Their sexual assault policy after reading my website.

40:01.310 --> 40:07.129
I don't really let my parents in, in terms of like what I have gone through, just because, um,

40:08.689 --> 40:11.060
I feel ashamed that I, like,

40:11.979 --> 40:15.810
I let someone who was so bad

40:16.570 --> 40:18.699
affect my life so negatively.

40:19.459 --> 40:26.100
And I feel like my parents, especially like my dad, has worked really hard for me to have
the best in my life.

40:26.100 --> 40:27.889
The best in my life.

40:28.610 --> 40:30.389
And I feel like I let them down.

40:30.959 --> 40:35.510
So, um, I think they have some hints here and there, but

40:36.379 --> 40:43.320
I don't talk about it at all, um, with them because I still feel like deep down I could

40:43.320 --> 40:45.860
have
not failed at school.

40:45.939 --> 40:49.020
I feel like I should have been able to get over it, or I should have been able to move on,
 

40:49.100 --> 40:52.939
or I should have been able to have done something differently.

40:54.669 --> 40:57.830
To, um, avoid me being where I am now.

41:03.489 --> 41:06.959
I've been trying to build a new life since then.

41:07.250 --> 41:12.899
I'm still really, um, distrusting of institutions or authority and that sort of thing.

41:13.760 --> 41:15.229
It still feels like, um,

41:16.399 --> 41:17.870
they're not made for people like me.

41:20.570 --> 41:21.729
Whatever that may mean.

42:05.080 --> 42:07.479
Um.
Ojasojawamaskwe indigenas Wewakwe indigena

42:07.479 --> 42:08.479
Mamabusninabikwe

42:07.590 --> 42:22.120
gababaganga

42:22.120 --> 42:26.600
in Djapa.
My first Indian name is Bluestone Woman.

42:26.889 --> 42:29.639
My second Indian name is Bluestone Elk Woman.

42:30.419 --> 42:34.179
And my third Indian name is, um, Tornado Woman.

42:34.409 --> 42:38.959
I am a Ninnabe woman and I come from the wider
Ojibwe nation,

42:39.330 --> 42:41.080
and here in northwestern Minnesota.

42:48.560 --> 42:50.750
I grew up in a very violent, bloody home.

42:51.040 --> 42:57.709
My mom was a victim of domestic
violence in such bloody, horrific forms.

42:57.879 --> 43:00.939
He was a Vietnam vet.
He was special forces,

43:01.120 --> 43:02.389
and he was very efficient.

43:05.919 --> 43:07.989
I call my mom a prisoner of war.

43:08.889 --> 43:11.330
You know, because she's still there.

43:14.560 --> 43:17.080
when alcoholism is part of the family.

43:17.989 --> 43:19.739
Alcohol is first and foremost.

43:20.169 --> 43:23.750
I mean, there are times we didn't have
electricity, there were times we didn't have

43:23.750 --> 43:26.550
heat, and there were a lot of times we didn't
have food.

43:26.949 --> 43:29.520
We were extremely poor.
There were times when I was little, I,

43:29.550 --> 43:32.449
I'd eat ice cubes and I'd eat paper, actually
ice.

43:33.270 --> 43:36.360
I'm surprised that it was kind of quite good
when you're hungry.

43:38.159 --> 43:43.469
I was, um, sexually abused my entire childhood by
over thirteen people.

43:46.090 --> 43:50.060
Sex was never talked about, but it was, you
know, survival mode,

43:50.610 --> 43:54.580
you know, being molested because when there's
alcoholism in a home,

43:55.050 --> 43:58.540
you know, that there are the parties and
predators know this,

43:58.929 --> 44:02.250
you know, the predators know this and
children are very vulnerable.

44:03.689 --> 44:05.620
The first time I was raped, I was fifteen.

44:06.129 --> 44:10.510
At this particular time, I'm walking to my
aunt's house across town,

44:11.010 --> 44:12.679
and it was an acquaintance from school.

44:13.340 --> 44:18.699
And he was following me and, hey, they thought
whatever and were talking and wanted to kiss me.

44:18.699 --> 44:23.399
And I wanted to go further and I wouldn't, and I
didn't want to,

44:23.439 --> 44:28.409
you know, um, I was still a virgin at this time,
and he forced me down on the ground and it was

44:28.409 --> 44:32.060
actually right across from my aunt's house
under this big oak tree,

44:32.449 --> 44:35.020
and no one heard me and no one's seen anything.

44:36.610 --> 44:38.010
I didn't tell anybody.

44:38.870 --> 44:44.620
Just because I already was conditioned with the
many times of calling the cops for my mom.

44:45.110 --> 44:48.030
Many times officers would come and tell him
just, you know,

44:48.149 --> 44:50.340
to knock it off, um.

44:51.260 --> 44:53.939
Or if they, if they did haul him off to jail,
they would,

44:54.020 --> 44:57.010
um, he would bail himself out and come right back and
do it again.

44:58.330 --> 45:00.330
At sixteen, I was raped again.

45:03.199 --> 45:08.379
I'm with my best friend and her brother,
another of his friends, and I were supposed

45:08.379 --> 45:09.679
to go get cigarettes.

45:10.239 --> 45:15.760
And that night was a very long, terrible night,
and we started with his friend driving and

45:15.760 --> 45:18.439
he's touching me and, and, um.

45:19.379 --> 45:21.750
And you know, I'm like, you know, I don't like that.

45:22.070 --> 45:28.620
And then the brother pulls me back in the backseat and I'm forced to um give oral sex and

45:28.629 --> 45:32.860
and you know, telling me that if, if I didn't do this,

45:32.949 --> 45:35.219
they're gonna dump me off someplace.

45:35.860 --> 45:41.350
And so that night it was very repetitive. It wasn't until that morning we could come back to

45:41.350 --> 45:46.179
the house party. And again, then was instructed not to say
anything and I never did.

45:46.179 --> 45:48.520
I never did.

45:54.820 --> 45:57.939
I forget what we're fighting about and he's calling me a bitch,

45:58.310 --> 46:01.469
and he comes up to me and he slaps me across the face.

46:01.790 --> 46:03.830
If I would have pulled back, he would hit my daughter.

46:04.560 --> 46:08.100
And when he hit me, you know, it turns my head this way.

46:08.169 --> 46:11.729
My daughter's right here and she's looking up at me and I,

46:11.810 --> 46:13.719
I call that the slap of reality.

46:14.050 --> 46:19.090
Right then and there, I've realized that I had just become my mother and my daughter had just

46:19.090 --> 46:25.250
become me and damn was I going to have my daughter grow up the way I did.

46:40.149 --> 46:43.590
Looking at the history of the violence against indigenous people,

46:43.709 --> 46:48.510
the wars against indigenous people, the current policies and laws that are in place that even

46:48.510 --> 46:52.340
to this day, you know, do not protect us as Indian women,

46:52.620 --> 46:59.389
as Indian people, you know, that even with current federal law passing the measures to

46:59.389 --> 47:02.459
protect us as Indian women is less than other women.

47:03.010 --> 47:08.709
So like with the standard laws of rape against a woman, it is 4 years.

47:09.100 --> 47:11.139
For us as Indian women, it's 3.

47:11.550 --> 47:16.350
So it still, you know, feeds that perception that violence against any women is,

47:16.379 --> 47:20.540
is more tolerable because we're less than as native women,

47:20.750 --> 47:22.620
the way we're targeted violence today.

47:22.949 --> 47:25.979
You know, that statistically, that we are 1 in 3 to be raped,

47:26.389 --> 47:31.669
you know, and that's based on 30% of native women actually reporting and that's not

47:31.669 --> 47:33.899
even including statistics in Indian country.

47:34.110 --> 47:37.389
I guarantee you, almost about every Native woman has been raped.

47:44.479 --> 47:47.830
The first thing he says is, no, there are no have tos.

47:48.830 --> 47:50.879
You don't have to take off your clothes.

47:51.320 --> 47:53.919
You don't have to take off your clothes to go into a sweat lodge.

47:54.739 --> 47:57.290
They really shouldn't have to be putting their hands on you.

47:58.040 --> 48:04.979
And the more I'm visiting and learning, the more I'm not able to keep the cork in my bottle.

48:05.169 --> 48:08.120
All of these memories now that I've been able
to successfully stuff away and keep contained

48:08.790 --> 48:13.719
is now coming to the surface.

48:18.060 --> 48:21.659
What he does is he tells me how to go, how to
do the ceremony with the tree.

48:22.340 --> 48:24.370
It's just a sermon which is you in that tree.

48:27.580 --> 48:31.030
I don't want anyone around, no one can hear you
scream, cry.

48:34.189 --> 48:36.310
Tell the tree everything, everything.

48:38.429 --> 48:43.110
Icky things, things that, you know, I have
never told anybody.

49:01.520 --> 49:06.639
Everybody else's garbage was now off me, you
know, it's like those that are victims of

49:06.639 --> 49:10.159
sexual assault in particular, child sex abuse
and whatnot.

49:11.070 --> 49:15.610
You know, that's not ours, that's theirs, that's
their ugliness,

49:15.830 --> 49:18.070
that's not for us to carry.

49:29.239 --> 49:32.320
I was 17 when I first had sex.

49:32.870 --> 49:37.709
There were so many girls in my high school that
were called sluts and things, and all those

49:37.709 --> 49:42.379
horrible names that we call women, and all of
these guys were able to go and have sex with

49:42.379 --> 49:46.229
anyone and everyone, and I said this is terrible,
and I'm gonna have sex with who I

49:46.229 --> 49:48.580
want to when I want to.

49:50.000 --> 49:56.080
Just kind of defy that stereotype of what women
are supposed to do and what's OK for men

49:56.080 --> 49:57.350
and not OK for women.

50:02.479 --> 50:07.350
I was born in Rutland, North Dakota. My parents
farm by Rutland,

50:07.629 --> 50:08.909
which is a small town.

50:15.030 --> 50:19.899
My first partner was someone that I met at my
friend's lake cabin,

50:20.229 --> 50:24.120
and we just were hanging out and had sex that night.

50:24.229 --> 50:30.000
It was actually very painful, but at the same time
I felt a little bit empowered that I

50:30.000 --> 50:32.540
had said that this was OK for me.

50:42.520 --> 50:48.310
I was 18 when I was raped, and so that was
actually my second sexual partner.

50:49.419 --> 50:52.889
And I went to a party with some friends from
high school,

50:53.010 --> 50:56.000
high school friends, not any of my new college
friends.

50:56.010 --> 50:58.129
And that's where I was raped.

51:00.010 --> 51:06.270
It was a house party, and there was a guy
that I was talking to and

51:07.000 --> 51:10.669
having fun with, enjoying his company, and we
kissed a little bit, made out, whatever, and

51:10.719 --> 51:15.080
we were both drinking,
of course, so that adds to the stigma of the

51:15.120 --> 51:21.479
whole story, but I hadn't had very much to
drink, and he asked me to go upstairs and I

51:21.479 --> 51:28.360
wasn't afraid of him.

51:28.780 --> 51:31.060
Turns out I should have been.

51:34.540 --> 51:41.159
He kept insisting that he wanted to have sex,
and I just kept saying no, that I didn't want

51:41.159 --> 51:45.560
To, you know, and I remember kind of bargaining
with him that, you know, we could make out like I'm

51:45.560 --> 51:51.760
fine with this part of it, like, but I don't want
to have sex with you, um, and he was an

51:51.760 --> 51:57.489
incredibly big guy.
I'm sure he was probably 6'4" and 250 pounds, and

51:57.879 --> 52:00.669
um, he was much more powerful than me, and at one
time I did,

52:01.199 --> 52:04.159
um, try to escape and he pinned me to the wall
and

52:04.850 --> 52:06.080
um, threw me back.

52:07.010 --> 52:13.649
On the bed.
We're in a

52:13.979 --> 52:18.229
um,
bedroom fairly close to the bathroom, and so I

52:18.229 --> 52:21.229
could hear people going in and out of the
bathroom, and

52:22.850 --> 52:25.780
I would think about screaming, and it just

52:27.510 --> 52:28.760
didn't come, I don't

52:31.669 --> 52:34.409
I don't know how to explain it.
Like I wanted to,

52:34.659 --> 52:36.300
and I wanted to tell them, but

52:37.449 --> 52:42.399
I also knew that someone would come in if I
screamed and see me in that position, and that

52:42.399 --> 52:44.399
seemed really vulnerable and embarrassing.

52:45.469 --> 52:48.449
He actually did put a condom on, um.

52:49.310 --> 52:51.860
And so I remember being thankful for that.

52:52.600 --> 52:56.090
Um, and thinking, oh my God, at least I'm not
gonna get pregnant,

52:56.500 --> 53:00.409
which later, when I was back in my dorm room and
went to the bathroom,

53:00.780 --> 53:04.860
um, part of the condom came out and I realized
that the condom had broken.

53:12.409 --> 53:16.060
I didn't press charges.
Um, I didn't tell my family.

53:17.050 --> 53:20.840
So
actually, a few months ago,

53:22.000 --> 53:28.429
I was so worried that they would want to press
charges, and I was just so afraid for all of

53:28.429 --> 53:34.449
the attention that would be brought to my
family and for the stance that I took.

53:35.379 --> 53:38.830
You know, the year before when I said that I
think that I should be able to have sex when I

53:38.830 --> 53:39.830
want to.

53:50.310 --> 53:56.340
I was actually with my parents this summer, um,
eating lunch with them and my dad was talking

53:56.340 --> 54:00.169
about um.
Someone that he works with, um, who had been

54:00.169 --> 54:05.290
accused of rape in college, and that these
charges had been brought up again, and it's a, a

54:05.290 --> 54:10.520
male who he works with, um, and he was talking
about that and said something

54:13.239 --> 54:15.060
about it probably being false.

54:16.129 --> 54:17.889
And I got really angry.

54:21.379 --> 54:22.889
And I proceeded to explain.

54:24.800 --> 54:26.120
Why I was so upset.

54:29.209 --> 54:31.239
They were incredibly supportive.

54:46.459 --> 54:49.570
If I could confront my rapist right now, I
think.

54:50.770 --> 54:54.909
That I would ask him if he could be strong
enough.

54:56.760 --> 55:02.709
Like I believe I am, to join this movement
that's working to end this and share his story.

55:03.919 --> 55:05.250
And talk about.

55:07.590 --> 55:11.939
Maybe some of the thoughts that went through
his head when talking to young men,

55:12.429 --> 55:16.770
um,
about the fact that this isn't right and that

55:17.540 --> 55:23.080
he screwed up, um, but that he wants things to
be better for women and that he wants things to

55:23.080 --> 55:24.189
be better for young men.

55:46.500 --> 55:51.209
When I was 12, Andrea, my sister, didn't know
how to talk about what had happened to her.

55:51.939 --> 55:55.590
And even if she had, no one around her knew how
to listen.

55:57.669 --> 56:01.699
When I started making this movie, I thought it
was a film about speaking out.

56:03.060 --> 56:06.750
But by the end of it, I realized it was a film
about learning to listen.

56:08.129 --> 56:11.189
And if future generations can be raised to know
how to do that,

56:12.530 --> 56:15.540
honestly,
that would give me a lot of hope.

56:22.159 --> 56:28.169
And brand new with

56:37.030 --> 56:38.030
when

57:53.479 --> 58:00.030
And the strife will make me stronger as my
maker leads me

58:00.030 --> 58:01.100
onward.

58:01.439 --> 58:02.719
I'll be marching.

59:09.919 --> 59:11.149
Flies.

59:27.229 --> 59:30.919
But the we.