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I was only taught the bad things about sex.
I was only taught about my mom had this book

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like the, the S T D s and from a religious
perspective, it was like if you do this before

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you\'re married, you\'re going to hell.
Um you\'re gonna get pregnant before.

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Like it was, there was nothing positive that I
was taught about sex.

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And with my first experience sharing my body
with someone being assault,

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my framework for what intimacy and sex was
supposed to be was completely jaded.

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So it took me years to unlearn that

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as scheduled my first therapy appointment in
years.

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But this is specific to sexual trauma therapy.

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I decided to document my six month journey
through sexual trauma

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therapy.
And over the last few months, I\'ve had

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conversations with therapists and educators and
activists about this entire

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world of the topics.
When we are experiencing traumatic events.

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Our brain has these defensive that shift
overall brain functioning into a

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whole different mode.
Many times it can even mimic for someone

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internally neuro biologically even like drowned.
That\'s what\'s really frustrating for me.

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Of sexual trauma expressions that how many, how
many clients I work with that

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guilt themselves out of seeking help.
For me.

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I didn\'t know until years after my assault
happened that I had even been assaulted.

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And it took understanding what assault and
trauma was for me to actually recognize what

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had happened.

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It\'s incredible to me that I\'ve already seen a
difference, a shift in how I

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speak about my trauma.
If you look, there\'s a part here that if I were

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to make a see what would happen.
So this is a fear response.

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That\'s my comment because sometimes we ask
ourselves questions,

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knowing the answer, but your subconscious mind
doesn\'t have enough time to process that.

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And that\'s what therapy is about.
What is missing from sex.

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Ed said

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there\'s nothing wrong with talking about
pleasure.

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We don\'t have to be explicit when we\'re talking
about pleasure.

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But even just saying this should feel good.
Yeah, sex is a very healthy thing as

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opposed to feeding people all the undesirable
things or the things that are going to be bad

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about it.
Why are we not equipping them with the

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information that they need to reclaim your body
in ways that are

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completely consensual for you?
You\'re really doing things naturally to grow

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those neural pathways.

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My goal with this film is for people to learn
about sexual assault and trauma and

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healing while watching somebody heal in real
time.

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Last week, I did my first trauma therapy

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session, sexual trauma therapy session.
There\'s a difference between trying to talk to

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your friends and talk to your loved ones and
open up to people and then opening up

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to a professional about, you know, helping you
work through

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things that you have been trying to suppress
and understand for years.

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What I did to prep for the session because it\'s
only like an hour is I wrote out all five

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experiences where I was violated for me that
was really,

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really triggering.
It took me almost a week to like actually

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finish it and put it on paper because I had to
keep stepping away sexual assault.

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I would define it as um anything

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happening to your body, non consensually.
Um And that can also be like,

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yes, physical but also verbal attention or
words coming to your body.

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Sexual assault is essentially the second step
in what Dr Ann Sadler calls a continuum of harm.

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So it\'s actually the point in which physical
conta or an advancement of a physical

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nature is placed upon somebody in a way that
they don\'t want it to happen.

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We talk about sexual assault and oftentimes
have to somewhat break it down during

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our workshops because a lot of young people
here, sexual assault and rape,

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they\'re the exact same thing.
The reason it\'s the second step is because a

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hostile work environment has to be created
before that touch actually happens.

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It is engaging of how people react to bad
behavior through language and then it escalates

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to the point of like actual touch with that
person, which then unfortunately,

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the third step rape doctor.
And sadly, it\'s called the continuum of harm

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language, sexual assault rape. There.
I mean,

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there are people who would define a sexual
assault as being kissed without consent,

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but in the state of Georgia that would qualify
as a sexual assault.

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So we might say there\'s the legal definition
and the experiential definition depending on

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how you\'re defining it.
Maybe state level,

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national level law being a piece of that.
I don\'t really like to use law definitions,

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but looking at it as it can either be with
penetration without penetration.

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So thinking body part wise, there could be a
penetrative component but also things that just

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involved to the point that was kind of being
made before.

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Um just like unwanted touching in general.
I think it\'s important to point out age aspects

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of that age limitation.
So age of consent being a piece of sexual

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assault as well.
Um I think in general just thinking about what

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is permission, what is not, what is body
autonomy and what is not.

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And I think sexual assault, although there\'s
legal definitions to it,

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I think people also have their personal rights
to talk about how they might define it for

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themselves as well.

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My second ever sexual trauma therapy session
was yesterday.

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It was a lot, it was a lot.
It\'s one thing to write about

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my experience with sexual assault and trauma
but it\'s another thing to have to walk

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through each situation.

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I was home schooled until I was 14 years old.
And that\'s when I started college.

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Um, I grew up in a very strict Christian
religious household.

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So, You know, sex was a taboo is crazy.
Going from one environment where you were

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treated like a child because you are 14 to an
environment where it\'s hyper sexual,

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where it\'s very predatory where people are
grown and having to navigate that,

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that in and of itself is what led to my first
sexual experience,

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which was actually sexual assault.
What I realized in my therapy session yesterday

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is that I blamed the 16 year old Shaina

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for her Nappy.

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What do you think the transition from home
school to college was like for each of your

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kids?
And how is it different for all of us?

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Well, for the first one, of course, it was
super, I mean,

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for her, it was exciting for me.
It was terrifying for that.

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It was, it was like, hey, you know, she\'s fine
and you know,

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we tried to put everything in place.
Um and we didn\'t want you three to

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um you know, to suffer any.
So we were just, we were just thinking it was a

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transition for everybody, just me having three
students.

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And then, you know, it wasn\'t in my control
anymore.

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What was happening in school?
What was so Paris was the first to go and then

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was it easier with each?
No, it wasn\'t.

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No, because, um, you all had different
personalities and you all had different,

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um, different ideas and passions.
And so it

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was every, every kid you just didn\'t really, um,
know how it was going to

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go.
I was hopeful for the best and I knew you\'d be

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successful.
I just wanted, like you guys, I would always

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talk about be, you know, come socialized when
you get home.

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Don\'t try to make friends there.

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Well, first of all, social, social, our kids
socially were around

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from what your mother tried to do is keep you
around kids your age,

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like in church and things like that socially,
you will be

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talking to gravitate to people your age anyway.

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But their social lives that changed a whole lot
when I went to college though because my cohort

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was like, Anywhere from 19 to like, 35.

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Yeah, I\'m sure it is.
But you don\'t have to hang out with 35 years

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old.
You\'re there at college to learn, you\'re not

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there to hang out with 35 year old people and
they\'re not there to hang out with 16 year olds.

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You think that if you had been in, in high
school environment,

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they would not have talked about things that
are over your head.

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I think that it wouldn\'t have been as drastic
because I would have been talking to other 15

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year olds.
So you don\'t think the other 15 year olds knew

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other things that you may not have.

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I definitely think that we would have again,
been a lot more on the same page than me

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talking to a 25 year old.

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It\'s not, it\'s a difference in household. Sure.
But, because they\'re in my

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class you should be talking about. Yeah.
But that\'s not the only thing.

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The only interactions you have at school are
not just in class.

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You know, that from being in you were guarded
hearts, don\'t talk to boys.

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And um, sex is for married people.
Well, I would tell you guys those things,

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but I would also talk to you guys about, you
know, when people chose the wrong way and the

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wrong path and the things that can happen
because they chose the wrong path.

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And, you know, I talked to you guys about
sexually transmitted disease.

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I remember opening a book and showing you and
you just thought it was the most disgusting

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thing in the world Asia couldn\'t even look at
it.

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It was just like I remember sitting and talking
to you and I wasn\'t going to sit and explicitly

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talk about um, You being intimate with a man
because I was like,

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I\'m not, I\'m not talking to my 12 year old from
that perspective.

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I didn\'t want you at that point.
It\'s just like boys for now or your friend,

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there will come a time where they will be more
than your friend.

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But this isn\'t the time for me to talk to you
about being intimate with a man.

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Did you think that backfired when we went into
an adult environment with grown men?

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No, I mean, I, I, like I said, I was like,
surround yourself.

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If you remember half my conversations were, you
know, your issues are going to

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come from your relationships and you choosing
either the right people to be around the wrong

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people in my parents\' defense.
They thought that they were protecting me and

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my siblings from growing up too fast.

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The downside to this is that when you
prioritize navy,

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it\'s easy for your kids to be taken advantage
of, especially in an adult environment as a

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society.
We don\'t consider that Children shouldn\'t be

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expected to make sound judgment calls on the
character of adults.

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And for a really long time, I blamed myself for
my sexual assaults because I thought it was my

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fault for choosing to be around people who
ended up taking advantage of me

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writing that letter to myself, took me back to
a place where

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it reminded me of where I used to be mentally.
You know,

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like how I saw the world and being in that
vulnerable space

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of negativity is really scary because it\'s like
you\'re watching

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a, like a dent or a hole in a train track and
you see the train going toward it

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like, you know, something bad is about to
happen.

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So it was very triggering.
Um It also

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like it made me realize why I had such a
sustained towards my mom,

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you know, having to go back home and act like
nothing happened,

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you know, having to continue to have sex with
this person because you

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wanted to regain some type of control, you know,
latching onto somebody because they told you

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they loved you even when you\'re violated and
not knowing how to navigate that situation.

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It\'s, it just, it took me back to a place where
the world got very real for me

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and I didn\'t want to go back to that place.
I think that\'s why I didn\'t want to write the

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letter.
My mom was really just trying to protect me and

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in doing so it back fired, you know, not
informing your child about

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things that they could face because in your
mind you\'ll,

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they\'ll never face them because they\'re kids.

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You know, that\'s, that was a very, it was
ignorance on my parents\' part.

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But again, they, their intention, I have to
keep looking at what their intention was.

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They never, they never intended to hurt me at
all or for something to happen that would have

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hurt me.
You know, they thought they were doing the best

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they could as parents.
And so having to like,

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not blame myself, not blame my parents.
Um and just let it be what

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it was I think was it was hard for me to do.

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But, but I but I did it and I\'m glad that
exercise

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is over as a trauma therapist.
This is what I do.

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I don\'t take it lightly that how hard it is to
do this assignment.

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And so throughout that narrative, as you\'re
talking to that girl,

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From a woman\'s perspective, from a 24 year old,
but also maintaining that she is 16,

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there seems to be like a bridge of empathy, not
only for her,

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but also for your parents, which I honestly, I
wasn\'t expecting to have been so soon for you.

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Trauma is the body\'s response to an event.

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And so one person may experience a specific
event as trauma whereas another person may not.

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So I think about it more as a physiological
response and nervous system response.

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But I really think and perceive sexual trauma
is basically like the repercussions in the

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aftermath of an experience of sexual assault.
So that\'s what makes it so personal is because

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there is no right way to like heal and move
forward from that experience.

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It\'s going to be based on all the experiences
you\'ve had before,

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like who you are, what your identity is so well
manifest in some really different ways for

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folks.
I\'ll tell you what trauma is not.

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For the longest time.
We used to think that trauma was a disorder

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such as, you know, when people think of trauma,
they think of ptsd.

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But we do know now that it is not a disorder
that really,

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it\'s an injury and as an injury, just like a
bodily injury,

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psychological trauma, we can also recover from,
I think of also trauma being something that

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um is also very personal for someone.
Like what that looks like,

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you have to consider the timeframe of it
because some people might have that initial

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response that you\'re mentioning and never think
again about it and others might repeatedly have

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that response to it.
And so I like to tell my clients,

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you know, your body is doing its job.
It\'s just not serving it anymore.

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That\'s so important to you.
Think about um when clients always ask them

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what is trauma and how do I know that, that
I\'ve experienced trauma?

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It\'s a matter of one person may respond very
differently to the exact same event,

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but it doesn\'t mean that either one of those
responses are incorrect or inappropriate or not

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normal or um or any of those things.
And so making sure that the understanding is

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that trauma looks different for every single
person and the event that precipitates the

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trauma effect is gonna be different for
everyone.

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Um So trauma is usually defined by, you know, a
thought or a feeling of

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harm, right or death.
Really?

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What happens when someone is sexually assaulted?
That sexual trauma piece um is really,

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it\'s about bodily autonomy.
So it\'s not as we know,

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you know, sexual assault is not a crime of sex,
it\'s a crime and power control.

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So when someone does commit an act of sexual
violence against someone that sexual trauma

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piece is feeling physically like you have no
control over your body.

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Many times, it can even mimic for someone
internally neuro biologically,

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even like drownings.
When we are experiencing traumatic events,

19:26.500 --> 19:33.350
our brain has these defensive mechanisms that
shift overall brain functioning into a

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whole different mode.
So a lot of times what happens is that the

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prefrontal cortex part of the brain which is
responsible for rational reasoning and making

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the right decision is completely offline, it
becomes dysfunctional.

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So what happens when there are incidents such
as somebody touches you inappropriately or

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grabs you inappropriately instead of going into
the rational response was like this is not okay.

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This is a line for me, you cannot do this to me.
Instead we sort of drop back to where we go to

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our reflexes and habits.
And so if you have it from,

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since you were a child was okay, if something
makes you uncomfortable,

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just don\'t say anything, just you just kind of
gonna smile awkwardly and you allow it to

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happen, you didn\'t allow it, you wouldn\'t allow
it to happen,

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but you allow it to happen because that part of
the brain that would normally not allow that to

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happen is off.

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It\'s incredible to me that I\'ve already seen a
difference, a shift in how I

20:32.490 --> 20:38.710
speak about my trauma because I was saying my
first sexual experience was assault.

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And she said you need to change the way that
you say that your first,

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the first time you shared your body with
somebody was through assault.

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The last part of that, the hardest part about
writing the letter was having

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to own.
The fact that my sex life started with assault.

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Hmm And that dictated everything because I feel
that your

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first essential, your first experience with
your body with sharing your

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body was non consensual.
Because what I wanna do is make sure that we

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distinguish between sex and assault, that
sexual sex and assault,

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they are not the same.
I hate, I even hate that they\'re like non

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consensual.
Sex is a thing because it\'s like sex is sex in

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it of itself is consensual, either it\'s assault
or sex and

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so or its intimacy of any kind.
So I think the first experience with your body

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with sharing your body was a soul.
Does that,

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does that help you hear the difference between?
My first,

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my first sexual experience was not consensual.
Started off with rape because now we\'re what

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we\'re doing without.

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I know you\'re not intentionally doing that but
your what your subconscious does is fuse those

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two things and says my first sexual experience
was assault.

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So it starts to put all experiences on the same
level that all of these

22:25.870 --> 22:29.960
things that are happening to my body are the
same and they\'re not.

22:33.380 --> 22:38.680
What are some common misconceptions about
sexual assault and trauma because there are a

22:38.680 --> 22:43.070
lot, there are so many, um,

22:45.590 --> 22:51.230
I was gonna say the biggest one that I hear a
lot of is that it looks the same or the

22:51.230 --> 22:54.860
reaction looks the same.
So if someone says that they\'ve been sexually

22:54.860 --> 23:00.760
assaulted, the common misconception is, well,
she doesn\'t act like she\'s been sexually

23:00.760 --> 23:03.830
assaulted.
She, it doesn\'t sound like she\'s been sexually

23:03.830 --> 23:08.300
assaulted.
She still went to that whatever or whatever the

23:08.310 --> 23:11.470
context is.
And so the misconception is that when you\'ve

23:11.480 --> 23:17.360
been sexually assaulted, then all of a sudden
you understand it and you are now

23:17.370 --> 23:22.740
cognizant in this issue.
And so now you no longer participate in going

23:22.740 --> 23:24.830
to that school, going to that restaurant, going
to that bar,

23:24.830 --> 23:29.190
whatever that looks like, which is what I was
about to say was a misconception that you won\'t

23:29.190 --> 23:34.030
even know the misconception that you\'ll even
know that sexual assault has happened.

23:34.040 --> 23:39.550
You know, we don\'t understand as a society, we
don\'t understand consent,

23:39.560 --> 23:41.760
we don\'t understand assault, we don\'t
understand these things.

23:41.760 --> 23:44.940
So it\'s actually hard to identify.
I know for me,

23:44.950 --> 23:51.460
I didn\'t know until years after my assault
happened that I had even been assaulted.

23:51.470 --> 23:58.290
And it took understanding what assault and
trauma was for me to actually recognize what

23:58.290 --> 24:02.440
had happened.
I think also what you brought up to is that it

24:02.450 --> 24:06.350
took some time for you to realize that your
first experience was actually sexual assault.

24:06.350 --> 24:09.060
And I think in our workshops that we do talk
about it.

24:09.060 --> 24:12.730
That might be the first time that a young
person is realizing,

24:12.740 --> 24:18.020
oh, this experience that I had, I was violated,
my boundaries were violated.

24:18.030 --> 24:21.940
That wasn\'t consensual.
I think a lot of the misconceptions that come

24:21.940 --> 24:27.540
up in the work that I do around sexual assault
in particular is just um not the lack of

24:27.540 --> 24:29.590
understanding of maybe how power plays a role
in this.

24:29.590 --> 24:32.060
Like this is about power.
So we, you know,

24:32.070 --> 24:36.360
talking about that earlier is people think of
sexual assault as about sex,

24:36.360 --> 24:38.620
right?
About the act of sex.

24:38.630 --> 24:42.580
You see some of those rape myths, right?
Those false beliefs we have about sexual

24:42.580 --> 24:46.520
assault that come up around even attraction.
So, you know,

24:46.530 --> 24:50.170
so and so wasn\'t attractive.
So there\'s no way that could be sexually

24:50.170 --> 24:51.980
assaulted.
We have certain people in the White House right

24:51.980 --> 24:56.340
now that have said things like that, right?
So I think it\'s one of those things that we

24:56.340 --> 24:59.070
have to point that out because in general, it\'s
about power,

24:59.070 --> 25:02.610
it\'s about exuding power.
It\'s about exerting dominance over someone else.

25:02.620 --> 25:06.920
I can remember specifically doing the workshop
in Maryland.

25:06.930 --> 25:11.480
Um Again that a lot of people think rape and
sexual assault,

25:11.480 --> 25:16.790
like are the exact same thing.
But even with um rape,

25:16.790 --> 25:23.640
we had a group, um it was like half young women,
half young men and we

25:23.640 --> 25:26.560
were discussing rape and what rape is
specifically.

25:26.570 --> 25:30.950
Um And someone was like, yeah, isn\'t it when
like, you\'re by yourself and like,

25:30.950 --> 25:35.950
someone attacks you and like a forest or like
central park or something like that?

25:35.950 --> 25:40.860
Like, yeah, that can happen.
But actually that doesn\'t happen as often as

25:40.860 --> 25:46.740
someone being assaulted by a family member or a
friend or someone that they actually know

25:50.220 --> 25:57.100
people, we think of assailants or people who
violate other people as like

25:57.110 --> 26:01.280
strangers as is happening at three o\'clock in
an alley just jumping out.

26:01.280 --> 26:06.360
Like we don\'t consider this being a partner.
We don\'t consider this being some of a family

26:06.360 --> 26:09.910
member, someone you went to school with.
We don\'t consider that.

26:09.920 --> 26:16.480
Um We also don\'t consider that the other person
may not even

26:16.480 --> 26:20.680
know that that\'s what you\'re doing.
Usually when I\'m teaching classes,

26:20.680 --> 26:26.750
I primarily have a class full of men.
Um And so usually when we\'re talking about

26:26.760 --> 26:32.940
anything dealing with sexual assault or rape,
unfortunately, many of them come in already on

26:32.940 --> 26:36.400
the defense.
It is really hard to try to get somebody to

26:36.400 --> 26:41.430
realize specifically when having conversations
with men around assault that You are there not

26:41.430 --> 26:46.440
necessarily to tell them that they\'re terrible,
but just like a replacement of behavior like

26:46.440 --> 26:51.170
that\'s all it is a replacement of behavior
through a shifting of a perspective to people

26:51.170 --> 26:57.410
can walk into a room that\'s 74°.
Somebody can say it\'s hot in here.

26:57.520 --> 27:04.050
The other person can say I\'m freezing, the
temperature, temperature doesn\'t change the

27:04.050 --> 27:09.940
assault is the assault, whether or not one
person experienced it one way and knew that

27:09.940 --> 27:13.020
that was assault doesn\'t change the fact that
the assault happened.

27:13.030 --> 27:19.330
So I think that those are huge misconceptions.
We look at sexual assault as just one

27:19.340 --> 27:24.930
blanket thing.
There\'s descriptions of people that assaulted

27:24.930 --> 27:29.280
you throughout your narratives.
You have like he\'s a very great area type of

27:29.280 --> 27:30.440
person.

27:31.820 --> 27:37.270
He his response was you said no, but your eyes
said yes,

27:37.270 --> 27:40.590
that\'s also like just validating the great area
type of person.

27:40.600 --> 27:44.800
And then you have this other narrative going on
where he\'s like,

27:44.800 --> 27:48.610
so sweet, he wouldn\'t harm an animal, he
wouldn\'t do these things.

27:48.620 --> 27:55.260
And I love that you\'re pointing out the
intricacies of the different people.

27:55.270 --> 27:59.780
These, these are the same person yet very two
different people that you\'re describing.

27:59.790 --> 28:06.360
And so assailants aren\'t like you said, these
people in an alley that are

28:06.360 --> 28:13.270
gonna randomly hurt you that those are so rare.
And so the fact that you are getting at

28:13.270 --> 28:19.460
the dichotomy of this, I think is really
important to understand.

28:19.690 --> 28:24.520
He assaulted me.
He\'s the same person that won\'t harm an animal.

28:25.610 --> 28:29.290
Yeah.
He also doesn\'t have to be this awful person to

28:29.290 --> 28:32.840
have hurt you. Absolutely.
And to add to that,

28:32.850 --> 28:37.350
a lot of times like young men are not reporting
if and when they\'ve been raped because they see

28:37.350 --> 28:44.120
it as like or they\'re told to see it as like a
Sexual accomplishment even if you were like,

28:44.130 --> 28:46.600
10 years old or something. Oh.
And males can be assaulted.

28:46.600 --> 28:50.430
That\'s another misconception misconception.
Oh, my goodness.

28:50.950 --> 28:53.570
That this can happen to men too.
And it does,

28:53.620 --> 28:55.610
it does.
I struggle with that.

28:55.610 --> 28:59.040
Having a lot of mail for Friends who might tell
me about their first time,

28:59.050 --> 29:06.030
especially black male friends where I was like,
I don\'t know if I should tell them and distort

29:06.030 --> 29:08.040
their whole idea.
But at the same time, like,

29:08.040 --> 29:11.470
that\'s not healthy.
You were 12 years old and she was 19.

29:11.480 --> 29:12.900
That\'s, that\'s not sex.

29:19.570 --> 29:25.090
I got raped when I was 11 twist, I loved it.

29:25.880 --> 29:32.760
I never pressed chose my name is Terry Crews.
I am an

29:32.770 --> 29:39.760
actor, author, former athlete advocate and a
survivor of a

29:39.760 --> 29:40.980
sexual assault.

29:42.240 --> 29:47.860
This past year, we have seen powerful men in
Hollywood and elsewhere.

29:47.870 --> 29:52.780
Finally held accountable for sexual harassment
and assault.

29:53.550 --> 29:58.500
We also saw the backlash survivors faced after
coming forward.

29:59.330 --> 30:03.080
I wanted these survivors to know that I
believed them.

30:03.600 --> 30:07.610
I supported them and that this happened to me
too.

30:07.620 --> 30:12.280
We don\'t talk about pleasure and consent and
pleasure and assault,

30:12.290 --> 30:16.410
not being mutually exclusive.
That\'s something that we again,

30:16.420 --> 30:19.640
we always think of the assailant harming the
victim.

30:19.650 --> 30:24.420
We don\'t talk about what it\'s like when there
is pleasure involved and how that can still be

30:24.430 --> 30:28.190
assault. Absolutely.
The body is responding as the body was meant to

30:28.190 --> 30:29.370
respond, right?

30:29.740 --> 30:33.830
This sex is something that\'s going to feel good.
So actually,

30:33.840 --> 30:39.100
if your partner knows your body, if you\'ve been
having sex with someone for a while and you\'re

30:39.100 --> 30:41.800
comfortable with them, that\'s a natural process
of this.

30:41.810 --> 30:48.230
The thing that you brought up very clearly is I
even put it as a comment.

30:48.230 --> 30:53.510
It was non consensual.
You said no, someone proceeded to do something

30:53.520 --> 30:57.940
and it felt good and there was an action from
you.

30:58.930 --> 31:03.290
Um, that does not take away from the very first
thing you said,

31:03.290 --> 31:08.410
which is now, yes, which actually for a lot of
victims that brings on a lot of guilt because

31:08.410 --> 31:11.670
they are so conflicted about. Okay.
Well, if this was bad,

31:11.670 --> 31:15.120
why would I feel this way?
And this is why I cannot tell anybody about it

31:15.130 --> 31:18.240
because I have experiencing pleasure.
I was like,

31:18.240 --> 31:21.330
why am I still wet?
For example, I don\'t want this to happen.

31:21.330 --> 31:25.430
So why is my body reacting as if I want this to
happen to me?

31:25.440 --> 31:31.690
But that\'s a misconception where it\'s just like
it\'s a very biological reaction where your body

31:31.690 --> 31:36.510
is just like something is like penetrating you.
You need lubrication.

31:36.520 --> 31:40.770
It\'s a way to protect yourself and to protect
your bodily organs basically.

31:40.770 --> 31:46.140
And people just, you know, paste all these
random ideas like,

31:46.150 --> 31:48.090
oh but you\'re wet.
So you definitely want this like,

31:48.090 --> 31:51.650
no, I didn\'t if I want it, I\'ll tell you that\'s
how you know,

31:51.650 --> 31:58.160
like language exists for a reason.
Guys, rape victims having

31:58.160 --> 32:04.970
orgasm midway through their rape is something
that happens quite often and it just makes them

32:04.970 --> 32:09.430
feel worse about themselves.
And I think this even puts this whole

32:09.430 --> 32:12.840
perspective out that they were asking for it.
If they didn\'t want it,

32:12.840 --> 32:17.010
why would they orgasm?
We talk about fight and flight a lot.

32:17.020 --> 32:20.280
But we don\'t talk about appeasing.
We don\'t talk about freezing.

32:20.290 --> 32:26.110
We don\'t talk about the common responses that
aren\'t, I mean,

32:26.110 --> 32:30.690
they are common but they\'re not talked about.
I think that\'s a huge misconception when it

32:30.690 --> 32:36.440
comes to sexual assault is they didn\'t react a
certain way in the moment of if you\'re like,

32:36.450 --> 32:42.610
aware and conscious and know that somebody is
violating you that it\'s not easy to stop that,

32:42.610 --> 32:47.300
that sometimes the easiest response is to
continue on and like move through that because

32:47.300 --> 32:53.150
you don\'t want to be further.
They\'re harmed at that moment with like even

32:53.150 --> 32:55.810
greater violence.
So that could be a result.

32:55.820 --> 32:59.590
Yeah, exactly.
The api\'s is sometimes like it feels weird to

32:59.590 --> 33:03.970
say the safest option, but sometimes in that
moment, it really is what will get you out

33:03.970 --> 33:09.680
alive of that.
Look at the document you can, if you look,

33:09.680 --> 33:14.360
there\'s a part here that if I were to make a
scene, what would happen.

33:14.520 --> 33:21.320
So this is a fear response.
That\'s my comment because sometimes we ask

33:21.320 --> 33:27.680
ourselves questions, knowing the answer, but
your subconscious mind doesn\'t have enough time

33:27.680 --> 33:30.860
to process that.
And that\'s what therapy is about is you\'re

33:30.860 --> 33:34.920
saying, I don\'t know.
I\'m not sure why I didn\'t fight.

33:34.930 --> 33:36.060
Right.

33:36.750 --> 33:40.740
And yet and still like, you know exactly why
you didn\'t fight.

33:41.160 --> 33:43.890
Yeah, I need you to listen to me right now.

33:46.750 --> 33:49.340
Men always think in terms of fight or flight.

33:51.130 --> 33:57.350
In fact, the most common instinct in the face
of this kind of threat is to freeze if she

33:57.350 --> 33:58.940
didn\'t fight.
If she didn\'t scream.

33:58.940 --> 34:05.830
If she was silent and numb, it\'s because she
was petrified in that

34:05.830 --> 34:09.980
state of fear, she might well have been
compliant.

34:11.120 --> 34:17.420
She might well have submitted, but that does
not mean she consented.

34:25.620 --> 34:26.930
What is consent?

34:28.660 --> 34:32.690
Consent?
Textbook? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

34:33.100 --> 34:38.320
Actually, uh so textbook definition is uh for
me, uh the verbal,

34:38.330 --> 34:45.240
active and ongoing uh aspects of an active
going to engage between two or multiple people.

34:45.250 --> 34:50.410
Verbal, that means getting a yes or my favorite,
an enthusiastic yes.

34:50.420 --> 34:55.650
Um active, both parties are active participants
throughout what is going on and on going

34:55.650 --> 35:01.350
because at any point, either party or anybody
involved in this should have the ability to say

35:01.360 --> 35:05.430
no enthusiastic. Yes.
Consistent, enthusiastic.

35:05.430 --> 35:07.790
Yes.
The consistent yes.

35:07.800 --> 35:13.810
Is, is the, what is the key for?
It\'s the consistent through the entire process

35:13.810 --> 35:20.130
is yes and through all communication, not just
verbal. Yeah.

35:20.200 --> 35:22.620
Yeah.
Be excited about it.

35:22.630 --> 35:25.700
You know, like even a partner that\'s reluctant
or hesitant,

35:25.700 --> 35:29.060
that\'s not consensual, right? Okay.
Let\'s do it.

35:29.070 --> 35:36.000
No consent is giving permission is like Yes,
let\'s

35:36.000 --> 35:39.670
do this.
Let\'s not do this, but let\'s do this.

35:39.680 --> 35:45.820
Yeah, that is like we were talking earlier.
Yeah, consent is so simple and

35:45.830 --> 35:51.910
people make it a lot more complicated.
Um I\'m going to say,

35:51.910 --> 35:57.590
I think a lot of those people are men um
because of gender roles and gender norms and

35:57.590 --> 36:00.910
what they\'re taught.
And so it\'s like, well,

36:00.920 --> 36:03.890
they didn\'t say this or like not wanting
accountability.

36:03.890 --> 36:09.820
So that\'s why it becomes so much more
complicated, but it\'s so simple.

36:09.820 --> 36:13.600
It\'s quite simple.
I used to do, I used to work for Planned

36:13.600 --> 36:18.510
Parenthood years ago as a sexual health
educator and I used to work with boys who were

36:18.510 --> 36:20.070
13, 14 years old.
Right?

36:20.080 --> 36:22.960
And one of the activities we used to do was
well, you know,

36:22.960 --> 36:26.740
is this consent for sex?
Let\'s, let\'s ask that question and we give them

36:26.740 --> 36:33.650
prompts one of the problems we\'d give them was
you ask a girl out to dinner and she agrees

36:33.660 --> 36:36.810
and you go to dinner with her.
You also agree that you\'ll pay.

36:36.820 --> 36:40.590
Is that consent for sex?
And overwhelmingly they would say yes.

36:40.600 --> 36:43.430
And usually overwhelmingly when you kind of say,
well, hey,

36:43.440 --> 36:47.820
no, they consented to dinner, right?
Like that\'s what they agreed upon thing was

36:47.830 --> 36:51.010
overwhelmingly they say, oh yeah, that makes
sense, right?

36:51.020 --> 36:54.230
But you have to like slow that conversation
down for them a little bit,

36:54.240 --> 36:59.540
but that\'s not just middle school folks that\'s
grown, ask men to and essentially building

36:59.540 --> 37:04.820
consent culture is just like, let\'s have, let\'s
have and create a space in which all of us as

37:04.820 --> 37:08.810
individuals just have on top about what it is
that we want to do and the things that we don\'t

37:08.810 --> 37:12.610
want to do, period, it doesn\'t mean and sex
does not even have to be part of that

37:12.610 --> 37:15.970
conversation.
But just like overall, just like we all have

37:15.970 --> 37:20.460
the power to just be like, no, I\'m not about
this or like I was really into this like two

37:20.460 --> 37:23.400
seconds ago and then you did something and I
ain\'t about this no more.

37:23.400 --> 37:27.840
And it\'s like, let\'s switch this up, let\'s
engage, let\'s engage in a different way.

37:27.850 --> 37:34.570
Yeah, consent being an ongoing thing is
something that I feel like is not widely talked

37:34.570 --> 37:35.910
about received or understood.

37:36.300 --> 37:41.670
Yeah, but there\'s still, there\'s still a lot, I
believe its North Carolina,

37:41.670 --> 37:43.840
North or South Carolina, please check me on
this.

37:43.850 --> 37:49.170
But there\'s still a law in place that if you
start having sex with somebody,

37:49.170 --> 37:54.190
they are legally obligated to that.
You are legally obligated to allow you to

37:54.190 --> 37:57.810
finish.
Like they cannot like cannot be taken away once

37:57.810 --> 38:04.310
it\'s actually given still a law, still law.
So yeah,

38:09.070 --> 38:14.290
I said yes to this thing, but I didn\'t say yes
to this,

38:14.300 --> 38:17.680
right?
And then the guilt that comes with, well,

38:17.680 --> 38:21.910
I did say yes to this and this idea that, well,
you can\'t expect me to stop.

38:21.920 --> 38:25.420
Oh, Yes. Yeah.
Actually, I do expect you to stop.

38:25.430 --> 38:28.380
I expect you to go no further than what I said.
I\'m okay.

38:28.380 --> 38:33.680
Like bodily autonomy practicing the fact of
like, I am an individual and I have like rights

38:33.680 --> 38:38.580
and boundaries and like I\'m allowed to state
those boundaries and say this is okay,

38:38.580 --> 38:42.530
this is not okay.
And then other folks should respect that and

38:42.530 --> 38:44.890
recognize that active, you know, I appreciate
what you said.

38:44.890 --> 38:47.580
We talked about like that enthusiastic. Yes.
Um You know,

38:47.580 --> 38:51.640
I often say this, you know, I think humor can
be a really important component too and I often

38:51.640 --> 38:55.820
say things like, well, you know, if we\'re
agreeing to have sex with someone and its

38:55.820 --> 38:58.770
enthusiastic, that\'s dope.
Like if you\'re high fiving your chest bumping,

38:58.770 --> 39:00.830
you\'re like, damn, this is going down, this is
amazing.

39:00.830 --> 39:03.380
Like if you got it like that in your sex life,
that\'s amazing,

39:03.380 --> 39:05.370
right?
And the least though what we\'re really talking

39:05.370 --> 39:08.750
about the opposite of sort of like that active
is passive,

39:08.750 --> 39:10.700
right?
Um That passive consent.

39:10.700 --> 39:13.170
So, is it clear and understandable?
You know,

39:13.170 --> 39:15.930
if you ask someone to have sex with you and the
response is like,

39:16.940 --> 39:19.730
maybe, you know, like that should give you
pause.

39:19.730 --> 39:22.470
So let\'s have a conversation around that, right?
And you know,

39:22.470 --> 39:25.070
voluntary, let\'s talk about substances.
How does that play a role?

39:25.070 --> 39:27.480
Right?
We can\'t, we can\'t deny that people get high,

39:27.480 --> 39:29.790
get drunk and have sex.
We can\'t deny that that\'s a thing.

39:29.790 --> 39:33.740
But what we really should be talking about too
is if those decisions are being made,

39:33.750 --> 39:36.730
what goes into that decision, think about the
trust, the honesty,

39:36.730 --> 39:40.190
the communication that goes into that kind of
conversation, right.

39:40.190 --> 39:44.210
That kind of thing.
And we don\'t teach the tools to have those

39:44.210 --> 39:48.060
kinds of conversations.
And even if we did, how well equipped are folks

39:48.070 --> 39:51.550
very young whose brains aren\'t even fully
developed until they\'re 25 years old.

39:51.560 --> 39:54.840
How equipped are they to negotiate that?
It\'s a conversation,

39:54.900 --> 39:59.570
it\'s a back and forth conversation.
You might have a conversation with a friend

39:59.570 --> 40:02.820
where they talk for a while, you know, and kind
of take the,

40:02.830 --> 40:08.990
take the floor and then you respond or you
check in and that kind of thing that has to

40:08.990 --> 40:14.980
continue.
If you\'ve got blank, you\'re not, then you have

40:14.980 --> 40:17.500
to keep checking in.
There\'s a lot to consent.

40:17.510 --> 40:20.630
Um But there\'s a lot of like at the crux of it,
it\'s about honesty.

40:20.630 --> 40:23.720
It\'s about communication.
And even if you\'re hooking up with someone,

40:23.720 --> 40:25.610
there\'s still a communication that needs to
happen.

40:25.620 --> 40:28.630
But I think people take that for granted
because it can feel awkward for people.

40:28.630 --> 40:31.110
And that we also have to break down that as a
thing.

40:31.120 --> 40:35.320
If you really think about this idea of like
what awkward is or it\'s like I didn\'t want to

40:35.320 --> 40:40.700
talk, I didn\'t wanna say anything or I didn\'t
want to act like I didn\'t want to ruin the mood.

40:40.710 --> 40:45.430
Like the underlying message that you\'re sending
there is just like I didn\'t want to give this

40:45.430 --> 40:50.330
person an opportunity to say no, you and your
girl have the house to yourselves.

40:50.340 --> 40:53.350
You\'re in the den on the couch.
Lights are low.

40:53.360 --> 40:58.540
Jeffrey Osborne is telling you that you\'re
going all the way I\'ve been there.

40:58.590 --> 41:01.490
All of a sudden, things are getting heavy.
She calls for time out.

41:01.860 --> 41:07.020
I\'ve been there too now.
You know that her mouth is saying no,

41:07.480 --> 41:09.650
but you\'re sure that there are parts of her
saying yes,

41:09.810 --> 41:11.430
not to mention the parts of you.

41:12.280 --> 41:16.240
What part do you listen to her mouth and then
you go outside,

41:16.240 --> 41:18.140
take a swim in an unheated pool.

41:19.700 --> 41:24.800
So it\'s not my job to get her off the hook or
to help her.

41:24.810 --> 41:26.910
Give it up, man.
I don\'t care, man.

41:26.910 --> 41:29.400
If the woman says no and you don\'t listen to
her.

41:29.550 --> 41:32.840
It\'s rape, plain and simple case closed.
10-20

41:36.850 --> 41:40.590
when people and talking to young people to get
into this,

41:40.590 --> 41:44.460
they\'re like you\'re going to kill the moment by
stopping and be like,

41:44.470 --> 41:49.020
are we going to have sex right now?
Like it doesn\'t have to be that awkward or like

41:49.020 --> 41:53.690
stale.
There\'s a lot of sexy and fun ways to find out

41:53.690 --> 41:56.360
what your partner wants to, where it doesn\'t
want to do.

41:56.370 --> 42:00.080
So how do we do that?
How do you know you have consent?

42:00.090 --> 42:03.230
You gotta pay attention sometimes it\'s verbal.
Yes.

42:03.240 --> 42:06.970
No, those are pretty clear cut.
Sometimes it\'s physical.

42:06.980 --> 42:10.720
You\'re really vibing with someone returning,
loving touches,

42:10.730 --> 42:14.420
guiding each other.
Reciprocating, communicate with your partner or

42:14.420 --> 42:17.950
partners, right?
Communicate with them about what you like or

42:17.950 --> 42:19.560
don\'t like.
How are you feeling?

42:19.560 --> 42:21.830
How are they feeling?
Do they seem conflicted,

42:21.830 --> 42:26.500
uncomfortable or tense or even scared?
Check in and if you\'re not sure,

42:27.270 --> 42:29.330
is this okay?
Can I do this?

42:29.340 --> 42:32.110
If not?
They\'ll be glad you asked because that\'s kind

42:32.110 --> 42:36.350
of sexy actually help your partner by being
clear about your consent as well.

42:36.360 --> 42:38.790
I don\'t want that.
Why don\'t we try something else?

42:38.800 --> 42:42.170
Let\'s stop.
You don\'t have to feel shy or worried about

42:42.170 --> 42:44.700
what they\'ll think no one wants to have that
sex.

42:44.710 --> 42:50.160
So guide them, let them know what you like.
And if you don\'t know you could being open and

42:50.160 --> 42:55.110
building trust can help you try new things and
new things can be very fun.

42:55.120 --> 43:01.440
Ask him, ask her, ask them and listen, read an
article and was saying how like dirty talk

43:01.450 --> 43:08.090
itself can be a way to, as we can say literally
if you think about it,

43:08.090 --> 43:14.950
like and you said it very like clean like way.
But if you\'re in the moment

43:14.950 --> 43:19.310
and you\'re into that or trying to get into that,
you\'re literally checking in with each other.

43:19.310 --> 43:21.930
I mean, like, do you like that?
Does this feel good?

43:21.940 --> 43:28.190
Like what do you want me to do that, you can
have a discussion but like asking those

43:28.190 --> 43:34.630
questions and having that communication is
literally a conversation

43:34.890 --> 43:38.620
and it can be consensual and you\'re asking and
receiving and all those things.

43:38.630 --> 43:44.370
Well, I think also too like that practice of
asking for an engaging and consent in an

43:44.380 --> 43:49.550
intimate moment with a partner or partners.
Um a good way to get comfortable with doing

43:49.550 --> 43:53.290
that is by practicing it in like all facets of
our life.

43:53.290 --> 43:57.700
So when you see a friend, like y\'all are
meeting up for coffee,

43:57.700 --> 44:01.780
asking like, can I give you a hug?
Just starting to include that in your everyday

44:01.780 --> 44:05.960
language before you touch somebody\'s like, you
really love their sweater being like,

44:05.970 --> 44:10.150
oh, can I touch the sweater and just always
checking in with what are your physical

44:10.150 --> 44:12.800
boundaries right now?
They\'re probably different than they were

44:12.800 --> 44:15.730
yesterday different than they\'ll be tomorrow.
So right now,

44:15.730 --> 44:21.210
let\'s check in and just becoming really
familiar with having that be a part of your

44:21.210 --> 44:24.550
engagement with other folks.
So then when you\'re in an intimate relationship

44:24.560 --> 44:31.510
with somebody and you\'re starting to explore
your experience that intimacy that it doesn\'t

44:31.510 --> 44:34.810
feel awkward or clumsy to be like, hey, is this
all right?

44:34.820 --> 44:39.620
Is it okay if I do this or do you like this?
Like, oh you like this?

44:39.620 --> 44:43.950
Can I also do this?
It just becomes like that process of these like

44:43.960 --> 44:49.370
checking questions being just like thrown in
throughout the relationship.

44:49.380 --> 44:51.740
It just feels so much more natural.

45:07.000 --> 45:13.640
You guys, can we talk about you guys?
Can we talk about this and the importance of

45:13.640 --> 45:20.020
this?
Like y\'all, y\'all, this is life changing.

45:20.030 --> 45:24.670
I also feel like in sex ed, I never took a sex
ed class.

45:24.670 --> 45:31.560
I was homeschooled but like, I feel like I feel
like vibrators

45:31.570 --> 45:38.570
and like self pleasuring tools should really be

45:38.580 --> 45:45.550
taught, like, like taught, taught um especially

45:45.550 --> 45:52.260
the girls because we, that\'s important

45:52.260 --> 45:58.550
knowing what you like and giving yourself
pleasure and giving yourself consent to

45:58.550 --> 46:04.030
pleasure.
You, self pleasure is self love.

46:04.040 --> 46:10.870
And it also, it will, it can help you have
better sex experiences with other

46:10.870 --> 46:17.750
people because you know what you like, like,
I\'m, I\'m really

46:17.750 --> 46:24.290
glad that this is like homework, self
exploration, self pleasure Because

46:24.290 --> 46:29.760
I\'ve, I\'m 24 and I\'ve never had, I\'ve never
owned a bullet before.

46:29.770 --> 46:34.890
That\'s like, that\'s a problem.

46:35.450 --> 46:36.770
That\'s a problem.

46:37.670 --> 46:39.620
I really wish I had one of these sooner.

47:01.530 --> 47:07.130
What\'s the deal for the day?
I\'m jumping out of a plane today,

47:07.140 --> 47:13.860
skydiving and I\'m really excited.
I don\'t know how intentional these things

47:13.860 --> 47:19.880
are, but so much of what you\'re talking about,
it\'s a somatic um body pieces.

47:19.880 --> 47:25.140
Yes.
Um Like the tattoo, the all of that and to

47:25.150 --> 47:31.630
reclaim your body in ways that are completely
consensual for you.

47:31.630 --> 47:36.540
But also might be a little fear involved,
potentially a little pain.

47:36.540 --> 47:41.360
Hello, tattoo.
But you\'re really doing things naturally.

47:41.360 --> 47:44.090
To like grow those neural pathways.

47:48.880 --> 47:53.810
Dana, scariest moment in your life.

47:54.960 --> 47:57.630
I can\'t believe I did that.

47:58.990 --> 48:04.230
I\'m lost for words.
That was, I wasn\'t prepared.

48:04.490 --> 48:08.430
I wasn\'t, I loved the parachute part, the fall.

48:09.560 --> 48:11.380
There\'s nothing to describe it.

48:12.840 --> 48:16.250
That was like an out of body experience.
Like that was.

48:27.050 --> 48:31.190
So we\'ve had some incredible discussion about
trauma in the brain,

48:31.200 --> 48:34.240
about defining assault and trauma, about
childhood abuse,

48:34.240 --> 48:39.210
about so many things.
Let\'s get into the importance of understanding

48:39.220 --> 48:43.330
intersectionality when it comes to trauma and
assault.

48:43.340 --> 48:47.140
Because there\'s so many different varying
degrees of oppression,

48:47.150 --> 48:52.930
race to gender, to um sexual orientation to
class.

48:52.940 --> 48:59.700
There\'s so there\'s so many different things to
consider when it comes to.

48:59.710 --> 49:06.390
Yeah, I think um working with intersectional
people is just

49:06.400 --> 49:09.790
such a privilege and I think everyone\'s
intersectional in some ways.

49:09.800 --> 49:16.490
But what I really love to do is help people
understand what belief systems

49:18.780 --> 49:24.330
might have been a part of their recovery
process or making a recovery process more

49:24.330 --> 49:28.760
difficult.
And so um one thing we look at is embodiment.

49:28.760 --> 49:34.130
So the developmental theory of embodiment
basically talks about how someone navigates the

49:34.130 --> 49:40.900
world in the that they\'re in.
So as a sexual trauma specialist,

49:40.910 --> 49:46.100
working with someone to understand their body
and the fact that because you\'re a trans person

49:46.110 --> 49:53.090
who is also black, who is also a Muslim, that
is going to play a

49:53.090 --> 49:58.960
role in how you occupy your body.
Um And so intersectionality when it comes to

49:58.960 --> 50:05.200
sexual trauma.
It makes people of oppress systems more at risk

50:05.210 --> 50:10.580
of being traumatized because the way they
occupy their bodies aren\'t fully embodied.

50:10.600 --> 50:15.280
Intersectionality is important.
And it\'s necessary specifically when around the

50:15.280 --> 50:17.850
conversation of consent.
Because our identities,

50:17.850 --> 50:22.070
the things that make us up whether or not these
are things that we identify ourselves or the

50:22.070 --> 50:27.790
things that are placed upon us is like that
dictates behavior like how we\'re socialized and

50:27.790 --> 50:29.770
everything like that.
It\'s just like if you are,

50:29.950 --> 50:35.270
if you are say them identified individual, you
are a society essentially tells you that you

50:35.270 --> 50:39.300
need to be submissive, you need to be quiet,
you need to not speak.

50:39.310 --> 50:45.010
But if you\'re telling a faction of a society is,
it\'s like your default is to be voiceless.

50:45.020 --> 50:47.440
And then we\'re putting you in a position where
you\'re just like,

50:47.450 --> 50:50.370
you have to be making a decision right now.
It\'s like,

50:50.380 --> 50:54.590
but your default is to be voiceless, then
something happens to you and you\'re just like,

50:54.600 --> 50:58.300
well, why didn\'t you speak up?
You\'re like, I was never like,

50:58.310 --> 51:03.220
I was never socialized to even think about that.
And there\'s these roles that have been taught

51:03.220 --> 51:06.900
that aren\'t necessarily true.
I\'m supposed to walk this way.

51:06.900 --> 51:09.860
I\'m supposed to dress this way.
I\'m supposed to look that way.

51:09.870 --> 51:15.990
Um And those beliefs can really harm someone\'s

51:16.000 --> 51:20.530
ideas about themselves about their worth.
And then as I was saying,

51:20.540 --> 51:25.810
harm their recovery process because in some
ways they think I allowed this,

52:17.980 --> 52:20.830
Amanda.
You\'ve been doing some research and you found

52:20.830 --> 52:25.700
out that black women are more likely to be
raped than women of other races.

52:26.010 --> 52:28.860
Denita, they are.
And the numbers are frightening.

52:29.040 --> 52:33.480
I spoke with the folks at the Cleveland Rape
Crisis Center and they tell me not only are

52:33.480 --> 52:39.940
black women and girls raped more than any other
group, they also report the abuse way less.

52:40.910 --> 52:46.460
What I brought up earlier was in my experience
when bringing up the subject of sexual assault

52:46.470 --> 52:51.370
and trauma within the black community.
That\'s a really for me,

52:51.380 --> 52:53.770
black women talking to black men about these
things.

52:53.770 --> 53:00.620
Just conversations in general, it tends to get
really um it tends to not be

53:00.630 --> 53:05.640
a fruitful or helpful conversation at all.
In my experience,

53:05.650 --> 53:12.520
it\'s been black men a lot of time bringing up
um how black men are lied on

53:12.530 --> 53:19.440
about rape and assault, um particularly with
white women and how and black women

53:19.790 --> 53:24.900
are specifically speaking on our experiences
within the black community with rape,

53:24.910 --> 53:30.400
assault, trauma, abuse, all of these things.
And there tends to be a clash when we talk

53:30.400 --> 53:34.010
about intersectionality and how we identify
within these spaces,

53:34.020 --> 53:40.610
bringing up conversations um surrounding sexual
assault and trauma among

53:40.620 --> 53:43.150
groups of black men and black women.

53:43.590 --> 53:48.560
It\'s, it\'s really important for me to speak
about personal experiences and personal

53:48.560 --> 53:53.600
experiences that me and my friends have had not
um pointing the finger,

53:53.610 --> 53:59.760
but more so, so that they\'re aware because they
are going to be around their male friends and

53:59.770 --> 54:03.990
hearing from us and what our experiences have
been.

54:04.000 --> 54:08.570
My, my, my intent with that is to change
perspective and it\'s,

54:08.580 --> 54:15.330
it\'s not to attack and oftentimes it\'s
misconstrued in that

54:15.330 --> 54:17.290
way.
You know what I hear a lot in what you\'re

54:17.290 --> 54:19.410
saying.
And as you\'re trying to figure out how to say

54:19.410 --> 54:23.490
it is like so much labor, right?
So much labor,

54:23.500 --> 54:27.370
so much emotional labor to couch it in the
right ways and the right,

54:27.820 --> 54:32.510
you know, way of my experience.
So you\'ll listen to me as I just talk about my

54:32.510 --> 54:35.050
real ass experiences and can you just not see
me?

54:35.060 --> 54:38.930
And I think as we talk about like
intersectional approaches to this work,

54:38.940 --> 54:41.510
that\'s what it\'s about is like, who are we
erasing?

54:41.520 --> 54:43.930
Right?
So to the point that you made um what

54:43.930 --> 54:48.140
experiences are being erased, who is being
erased and these conversations around sexual

54:48.140 --> 54:51.200
violence, around consent.
And it almost always is,

54:51.200 --> 54:55.310
you know, black women, right?
Black trans women of color,

54:55.320 --> 54:58.360
right?
Black and brown women, indigenous women.

54:58.360 --> 55:03.680
So, you know, follow the power it kind of plays
into that fear of like usually historically

55:03.680 --> 55:08.580
speaking wide identified uh women have been the
one that accused men of these things where it\'s

55:08.580 --> 55:11.540
just like, but that doesn\'t negate the harm
that I\'m doing.

55:11.550 --> 55:13.820
It\'s like we can talk about the harm that
happens to you.

55:13.820 --> 55:16.960
But the harm that happens to me doesn\'t negate
your harm.

55:17.210 --> 55:21.230
And essentially, if you\'re utilizing that in a
conversation to essentially shut down the

55:21.230 --> 55:26.020
conversation, then you\'re just essentially
using the same powers that you that were used

55:26.020 --> 55:28.870
to oppress you.
Audrey Lorde says the master\'s tools will never

55:28.870 --> 55:32.910
dismantle the master\'s house.
Stop using the same tools that are oppressing

55:32.910 --> 55:36.270
you in order to oppress somebody else because
you don\'t want to admit that you are in a

55:36.270 --> 55:40.040
position where you can and have potentially
caused harm.

56:02.120 --> 56:08.590
It is being in a lot of spaces.
I think I\'m super open about being non binary,

56:08.600 --> 56:13.730
being queer, being who I am.
Um That has taken a lot of time and work in

56:13.730 --> 56:17.710
practice.
And so for me, especially working with young

56:17.710 --> 56:20.850
people, I like to just come out and say like
this is me,

56:20.850 --> 56:23.690
this is who I am like what I stand for what I
represent.

56:23.700 --> 56:28.450
Um And what I\'ve really found that has been
really empowering for me and for other folks is

56:28.450 --> 56:32.310
that just being like, hey, like I exist holding
multiple identities.

56:32.320 --> 56:37.610
Sometimes it\'s really challenging to understand
like how all these feelings like clash and come

56:37.610 --> 56:41.610
together and sometimes it feels like very
empowering to be like whoa these multiple

56:41.610 --> 56:45.940
identities um like are making me feel strong
and powerful.

56:45.950 --> 56:50.800
And so just to like mirror that for young
people I think is really important to allow

56:50.800 --> 56:56.780
them to be like actually, yeah, I am by and
that feels really important with the

56:56.790 --> 56:59.720
understanding.
Like I\'m also a brown person and my parents

56:59.720 --> 57:05.190
maybe our immigrants here and just starting to
put together those pieces of how these

57:05.190 --> 57:10.390
different parts of me and different experiences
influence how I move through the world and

57:10.390 --> 57:16.170
experience um different events and like where I
want to go and who I want to be.

57:16.180 --> 57:23.070
I think that it\'s just so like it feels just
like so wonderful to have young

57:23.070 --> 57:28.810
folks come up to me after more formal workshop
or if we\'re just walking from one place to the

57:28.810 --> 57:35.210
next to be like, hey, I want to tell you that I
also feel that way or like when you said that

57:35.220 --> 57:38.130
thing, like it reminded me about this part of
me.

57:38.130 --> 57:44.830
And so I think that addressing the fact that we
all hold um multitude of identities and trying

57:44.830 --> 57:50.400
to name them as feels right and talk about the
experiences that we\'ve had because of them.

57:50.410 --> 57:53.760
I think allows others to reflect and realize
like, yes,

57:53.760 --> 57:59.190
and this is how intersection, the intersections
of my identities impact myself and what I do

57:59.190 --> 58:03.450
and who I am.
Thank you for sharing that good answer.

58:09.600 --> 58:15.780
So during my time when they have sex, it was
just like this and they go like this.

58:15.790 --> 58:19.230
But now they have different ways they can go
like this,

58:19.320 --> 58:21.960
they can go like that and they can go like that.

58:23.600 --> 58:27.300
I was only taught the bad things.
About sex.

58:27.310 --> 58:31.220
I was only taught about my mom had this book
like the,

58:31.230 --> 58:35.370
the S T D s and like the just like I would like
sex.

58:35.370 --> 58:38.800
To me, it was just bad.
And then from a religious perspective,

58:38.800 --> 58:41.870
it was like, if you do this before you\'re
married, you\'re going to hell,

58:41.880 --> 58:45.130
um you\'re gonna get pregnant before.
Like it was,

58:45.140 --> 58:48.590
there was nothing positive that I was taught
about sex.

58:49.000 --> 58:53.780
And with my first experience sharing my body
with someone being assault,

58:53.790 --> 58:58.790
my framework for what intimacy and sex was
supposed to be was completely jaded.

58:58.800 --> 59:02.260
So it took me years to unlearn that.

59:02.610 --> 59:06.330
I don\'t really remember having sex ed.
So whatever it was,

59:06.330 --> 59:13.300
I\'m pretty sure it\'s just like pregnancy.
What is missing from sex ed said said,

59:14.750 --> 59:20.320
I like to think kind of age congruent uh as, as
opposed to age appropriate.

59:20.330 --> 59:26.700
And because there are some developmental
components in typical development,

59:26.700 --> 59:32.990
there are some developmental components to what
a child can understand when they\'re two versus

59:32.990 --> 59:38.420
what they may understand when they\'re 12.
Still have the same topic area being addressed

59:38.430 --> 59:42.340
in different.
So we can have conversations that relate to

59:42.340 --> 59:46.510
body autonomy or that relate to consent when
they\'re too.

59:46.520 --> 59:51.460
So we want to use, for example, want to use
even prior to two from day one,

59:51.460 --> 59:54.630
we want to be using accurate terms when we talk
about body parts,

59:54.640 --> 59:58.500
especially when we talk about genitals.
Parents were at the State Capitol day and they

59:58.500 --> 01:00:03.110
were protesting new guidelines for sex
education in public schools.

01:00:03.350 --> 01:00:08.380
I\'ve seen some of the lesson plans that are in
play here and regardless of where you stand

01:00:08.380 --> 01:00:11.700
politically, I think some of them are quite
shocking.

01:00:11.710 --> 01:00:14.340
We just want safe learning environments for our
Children.

01:00:14.340 --> 01:00:19.310
And so this is this is a critical step for us
to be able to move that principals of schools

01:00:19.310 --> 01:00:24.190
get to decide if and when that is shared a
given.

01:00:24.200 --> 01:00:30.750
So even though there is this curriculum created
that is given to all CPS schools,

01:00:30.760 --> 01:00:35.980
it\'s the principles decision on whether or not
that will be shared.

01:00:35.990 --> 01:00:38.850
And of course, they have to deal with parents
and different communities.

01:00:38.850 --> 01:00:43.680
There might be different resources that they
need to focus on or can\'t focus on if they even

01:00:43.680 --> 01:00:50.140
have an educator to share a lot of these um
sexual health educators are also the health

01:00:50.140 --> 01:00:54.050
teacher or the social workers.
So we already know the million things they\'re

01:00:54.050 --> 01:00:59.660
already dealing with.
Um And a sexual health educator I believe,

01:00:59.660 --> 01:01:04.130
should not just be anyone.
I strongly believe sexual health educators

01:01:04.130 --> 01:01:07.780
should be a person in the school and that is
their title.

01:01:08.070 --> 01:01:13.220
Sex is a very healthy thing.
It\'s very, it\'s a very healthy thing.

01:01:13.220 --> 01:01:16.580
It\'s something that we know many individuals,
obviously, not all individuals,

01:01:16.590 --> 01:01:22.180
but like many individuals are going to engage
in as opposed to feeding people all the

01:01:22.180 --> 01:01:25.410
undesirable things or the things that are going
to be bad about it.

01:01:25.420 --> 01:01:28.630
Why are we not equipping them with the
information that they need?

01:01:30.700 --> 01:01:36.640
Education is so important because there\'s some
questions that males might present with that

01:01:36.650 --> 01:01:42.010
females won\'t and vice versa.
And so just having a room that is more diverse

01:01:42.010 --> 01:01:47.420
is important.
Um, and then people never work with trans

01:01:47.420 --> 01:01:53.290
bodies and sexual pleasure.
That\'s something else working with queer people

01:01:53.290 --> 01:01:59.590
and people of color that I really enjoy doing
because they\'ve never even I had a thought

01:01:59.600 --> 01:02:02.700
about. Okay.
Well, what does, what does hormone,

01:02:02.710 --> 01:02:08.480
what does this hormone due to my genitalia?
And how will it respond differently now that I

01:02:08.480 --> 01:02:14.930
want to have a consensual sexual relationship?
So those pieces are all missing from sex

01:02:14.930 --> 01:02:17.970
education.
Yeah, definitely thinking especially being in

01:02:17.970 --> 01:02:21.820
Chicago and the context of CPS really being
this huge force.

01:02:21.820 --> 01:02:26.830
That is um where a lot of young folks are
accessing education and health education.

01:02:26.840 --> 01:02:33.650
I think what I see in my professional full time
work is that sex ed is happening a lot in the

01:02:33.660 --> 01:02:39.580
sixth through eighth grade and ninth and 10th.
Um So younger kids are not and it doesn\'t have

01:02:39.580 --> 01:02:43.700
to be like what we think of sex as being.
It\'s like social emotional learning,

01:02:43.700 --> 01:02:46.820
learning does consent those boundaries.
How do we ask for permission?

01:02:46.830 --> 01:02:50.600
How do we say no, starting to learn that in pre
K kindergarten,

01:02:50.600 --> 01:02:55.200
first grade, second grade.
So having sex ed be something that applies all

01:02:55.200 --> 01:02:59.580
the way to our youngest folks.
But then I also think a lot of 11th and 12th

01:02:59.580 --> 01:03:05.520
graders, you know, as you\'re starting to become
an adult and moving into a world where,

01:03:05.520 --> 01:03:08.690
like, you\'re no longer going to be in school
every day and you\'re starting to make your own

01:03:08.690 --> 01:03:12.070
decisions.
Those folks often get kind of left out of the

01:03:12.070 --> 01:03:17.870
more formal sex ed classrooms and schools
because maybe they\'re taking AP classes or they

01:03:17.870 --> 01:03:21.020
don\'t have to take gym class.
And it\'s the health teacher that\'s teaching sex

01:03:21.030 --> 01:03:25.140
ed.
So I feel like we\'re just missing like large

01:03:25.150 --> 01:03:28.380
pockets of young people that could really
benefit from this.

01:03:28.390 --> 01:03:31.800
These are ways of like how you can safely have
sex.

01:03:31.800 --> 01:03:33.860
These are ways that you can communicate with
your partner.

01:03:33.860 --> 01:03:38.640
These are ways in order for you to know whether
or not this is a healthy dynamic happening

01:03:38.640 --> 01:03:40.650
right now.
It\'s consent part of this.

01:03:40.660 --> 01:03:46.340
Like we\'re not talking about the actual things
that people are going to enjoy about sex.

01:03:46.350 --> 01:03:50.730
And the idea of consent is not prison in sex
education.

01:03:50.820 --> 01:03:54.670
When I think of sex education, I think of just
the basics,

01:03:54.670 --> 01:04:01.560
the very um heterogeneous type of idea of what
sex is supposed to

01:04:01.560 --> 01:04:04.100
be.
But there is no, there aren\'t very many

01:04:04.100 --> 01:04:10.090
conversations as it relates to consent or the
fact that pleasure is okay in a space,

01:04:10.100 --> 01:04:13.350
teaching kids that they should not pleasure
themselves or they shouldn\'t have any pleasure

01:04:13.350 --> 01:04:17.470
at all.
It\'s just as detrimental as the overexposure,

01:04:17.480 --> 01:04:19.570
there\'s nothing wrong with talking about
pleasure.

01:04:19.570 --> 01:04:21.900
We don\'t have to be explicit when we\'re talking
about pleasure.

01:04:21.910 --> 01:04:27.670
But even just saying this should feel good a
more masculine perspective or you know,

01:04:27.670 --> 01:04:30.760
if you have a penis in general, like what
you\'re taught is like what ejaculation is,

01:04:30.760 --> 01:04:32.730
what it\'s about, right?
Like that\'s what feels good,

01:04:32.730 --> 01:04:36.200
that\'s what it\'s about.
But you then never learn to really explore that.

01:04:36.200 --> 01:04:39.030
Like, how do I feel about that?
Do I feel like I\'m told that this is what I

01:04:39.030 --> 01:04:41.500
should like and should strive for?
But I\'ve never taught like,

01:04:41.510 --> 01:04:45.360
well, what is pleasurable to me?
Because if I care about what if I learn what

01:04:45.370 --> 01:04:49.100
that language of pleasure, then maybe I\'ll also
apply that to other people and take interest in

01:04:49.100 --> 01:04:52.830
the pleasure of another person, right?
Discussions of pleasure in that communication

01:04:52.840 --> 01:04:56.710
is what helps with some of these power dynamics
that are just inherently there and sexual

01:04:56.710 --> 01:05:00.800
relationships depending on identity, right?
So I think like discussions of pleasure are

01:05:00.800 --> 01:05:03.860
really important because that\'s about
communication and that\'s about interest in

01:05:03.860 --> 01:05:06.340
other people.
Pleasure is definitely missing from the

01:05:06.340 --> 01:05:13.030
curriculum and from a Survivor\'s perspective, I,
one of the reasons I didn\'t know that

01:05:13.040 --> 01:05:17.700
what I experienced was assault was because it
was pleasure involved.

01:05:17.710 --> 01:05:24.170
And so I couldn\'t recognize that there was also
not consent given

01:05:24.180 --> 01:05:30.120
and I tried to make sense of that from a, well,
it felt good.

01:05:30.120 --> 01:05:34.280
It didn\'t hurt.
So therefore, I guess it was okay even though

01:05:34.290 --> 01:05:38.940
there was no consent.
So I think the sooner we start talking about

01:05:38.950 --> 01:05:44.750
pleasure as a part of the conversation, Young
people can identify and separate those

01:05:44.750 --> 01:05:49.540
experiences for my experience.
Um I think 8th grade,

01:05:50.070 --> 01:05:55.470
we did like an abstinence only type of thing.
And then again in sophomore year,

01:05:55.470 --> 01:06:00.270
high school, my gym teacher, I don\'t actually
remember the sex ed class.

01:06:00.270 --> 01:06:04.410
I just remember a video of a woman giving birth
and I was like,

01:06:04.420 --> 01:06:07.080
I don\'t want to see that that doesn\'t make me
feel good.

01:06:07.090 --> 01:06:12.950
Um But there\'s those shouldn\'t be like the two
instances in school that sex was discussed

01:06:12.950 --> 01:06:19.480
because throughout those times, um I was
sexually active or like exploring those

01:06:19.480 --> 01:06:26.430
things basically on my own or through like
trusted adults or teenagers in my life.

01:06:26.440 --> 01:06:30.570
Um that all might have not been like factual
information, but like,

01:06:30.580 --> 01:06:35.610
I was navigating those things and figuring out
who I was and my sexuality and all those things.

01:06:35.610 --> 01:06:42.420
And it would have been nice to just like, had a
good sex ed

01:06:42.430 --> 01:06:48.660
educator in the room.
It\'s a very tough thing for a lot of parents to

01:06:48.660 --> 01:06:52.960
do.
So how do you go about having that conversation

01:06:52.960 --> 01:06:56.920
with confidence?
Um And not, you know, and so that the kids can

01:06:56.920 --> 01:07:01.360
be open and honest with you as well because a
lot of times teenagers especially are like,

01:07:01.370 --> 01:07:06.550
I am not going to talk to my mom said about
this like this is a totally different realm.

01:07:06.560 --> 01:07:09.490
How do you, how do you initiate that
conversation?

01:07:09.500 --> 01:07:15.320
Take the mask off of this perception that you
have to be some robotic?

01:07:15.330 --> 01:07:21.420
Perfect, you know, encyclopedia, you know, they
don\'t want us to be encyclopedias,

01:07:21.420 --> 01:07:24.940
they just want us to be there, they just want
us to be present.

01:07:24.950 --> 01:07:31.950
And so sometimes it means saying, you know what
I realize we haven\'t talked about something

01:07:31.960 --> 01:07:35.900
that I think we really should and you don\'t
have to build that later on.

01:07:35.900 --> 01:07:39.650
I think as a man, I think about like how I wish
I had more of those conversations with my own

01:07:39.650 --> 01:07:42.540
father growing up, right?
And how it wouldn\'t,

01:07:42.550 --> 01:07:45.850
I wouldn\'t have to wait until my adulthood to
really be talking about these issues with like,

01:07:45.860 --> 01:07:47.910
who is my dad?
Like, what\'s he about?

01:07:47.910 --> 01:07:50.850
Like, what does he even know about sex and like,
what was that like for him?

01:07:50.850 --> 01:07:53.400
You know, because we\'re curious and we want to
know, but like,

01:07:53.400 --> 01:07:56.890
imagine just having that conversation from
young and getting comfortable with that

01:07:56.890 --> 01:08:01.050
conversation from a young age and, and what
that does for relationships,

01:08:01.050 --> 01:08:02.120
right?
What does that do for Trump?

01:08:02.120 --> 01:08:08.760
But the key really is starting early and seeing
the talk as a lot of

01:08:08.770 --> 01:08:13.830
little conversations, lots of teachable moments
because it\'s only going to be awkward if you

01:08:13.830 --> 01:08:14.830
make it awkward,

01:08:58.220 --> 01:09:01.970
really flourishing the way that you\'re telling
your story.

01:09:01.970 --> 01:09:03.490
The way.
That\'s not here.

01:09:04.020 --> 01:09:09.330
So many shifts and how you\'re releasing a lot
of that shame,

01:09:09.330 --> 01:09:15.630
blame and guilt that we talked about.
And so that\'s been really beautiful to watch.

01:09:15.640 --> 01:09:22.570
Um and be a part of, I think like even your the
newest document you shared

01:09:22.580 --> 01:09:29.310
is um allowing younger versions of yourself to
release their

01:09:29.480 --> 01:09:36.070
fault in it and, and understand that, you know,
that\'s not it and you\'re still trying to teach

01:09:36.070 --> 01:09:39.200
responsibility.
And so that nuance, I think is what so many

01:09:39.200 --> 01:09:42.760
survivors struggle with is like, what am I
responsible for?

01:09:42.760 --> 01:09:46.780
But they, but there harvesting so much guilt
about it.

01:09:46.780 --> 01:09:49.670
So I\'m seeing you being like, hey, this is what
we can do to reduce it.

01:09:49.670 --> 01:09:53.520
But that doesn\'t mean that anything will be
your fault if you do all these things that

01:09:53.520 --> 01:09:56.680
something happens.
And I think that\'s something I struggle with.

01:09:56.690 --> 01:09:59.910
The biggest thing I struggle with is nuance.
I think that\'s,

01:09:59.910 --> 01:10:03.540
we don\'t give room to nuance when it comes to
sexual assault and drama.

01:10:03.550 --> 01:10:08.250
We just don\'t.
And it\'s something that I mean,

01:10:08.270 --> 01:10:12.060
I am grateful to all the growth that I\'m seeing
now.

01:10:12.060 --> 01:10:16.070
It\'s like I have the courage and the knowledge
really.

01:10:16.070 --> 01:10:22.920
It\'s about knowledge because like there\'s been
so many instances where I\'ve tried to explain

01:10:22.940 --> 01:10:28.650
or detail my trauma to people and it was
negated disregarded simply because there was a

01:10:28.650 --> 01:10:30.270
lack of understanding all around.

01:10:31.610 --> 01:10:38.580
Um And now I speak about it very differently
because of the tools that I have just to do

01:10:38.580 --> 01:10:45.100
this being here.
I\'m so excited. Cool.

01:10:45.110 --> 01:10:48.520
Thank you both.
This is great.

01:10:48.520 --> 01:10:51.790
Like this is super great. Yeah.

01:11:03.820 --> 01:11:07.130
Okay.
Do your thing?

01:11:07.490 --> 01:11:09.230
Glass ceiling.
All that good stuff.

01:11:09.240 --> 01:11:15.860
Yeah, that\'s a real nice. Okay.
And who\'s your favorite

01:11:15.860 --> 01:11:18.050
kid?
Yes, you do.

01:11:18.050 --> 01:11:19.490
Why you lying?

01:11:21.830 --> 01:11:23.360
That\'s a lie. Okay.

01:11:25.110 --> 01:11:29.070
Let\'s rank your Children.
I don\'t have rankings.

01:11:29.070 --> 01:11:30.170
I love all my babies.