WEBVTT

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There definitely is a very much a fine line

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and anything that you do and
whether it\'s going to be.

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Whether what you do is going to have a good
good consequences or trying to get one

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I would cut myself and the reasons
I did so were to try to manage

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this tremendous tremendous
emotional pain and anguish I was

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feeling that I wasn\'t sure of the
source of and for me the cutting.

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Would do that it would help me
cope with something that felt

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in survival but at the moment so that\'s

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what worked but when I tried to reach out
for help I think knowing that people bleed.

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At their own hand just Is inconceivable to
so many people coming from such a prevalent.

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Part of my life lands
around 15 in the context of

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coming out in becoming conscious
that and another was dead.

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I was in a lot of pain and
sadness and depression like

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severe severe depression and I just want
to say like right here right now up front.

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At the time I was suicidal.

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But that wasn\'t it was separate
from that cutting was not in

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order to die cutting was a
way of managing the pain

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and getting More control over
what was happening to me but for

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me it was something that I did in order to

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feel when I wasn\'t feeling
and it was something there\'s

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something that I that I did in
order to know sensation about

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my body as well because my body knew
so little in terms of sensation.

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I didn\'t know anything about
myself sexually I didn\'t

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know anything about myself physically so as

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Really A time of learning about
my own space in space at I

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inhabit when I became safer

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as an adult to start remembering to start
healing the pain it\'s still felt intolerable.

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And that\'s one cutting became
a major part of my life

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in young adulthood and for about
ten years after that to deal with

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the pain that was so profound I didn\'t

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feel it was survivable
even though it came from

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experiences that I\'d had
already physically survived

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The people at the heart grow hospital.

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They say that they\'re surprised when
there isn\'t a case of incest in the past

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like 98% or something of all their
cutters have had a case of incest.

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But like who knows I mean
not really know if it\'s

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connected you know I just had a
really really low self-esteem that I

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was bad I was dirty house and
this is all the stuff that

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like I was told when I was
being molested was that it was

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my fault it\'s very empty for a lot of
that I mean a lot of my adolescence.

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Was not what was a Empty feeling that

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there was something missing that there was

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something I wasn\'t feeling and
I\'m sure a lot of that had to do

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with being queer and in posited

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that I didn\'t fit in so many situations
I wasn\'t and isn\'t the girl.

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That I was seeing all around me I wasn\'t

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that girl that I was playing
with I wasn\'t all of all

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of these images of what I saw as
normal and what Isiah was Phil.

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I didn\'t understand my own
self-injury for many many years and

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I sought help from mental health
professionals and was told I would benefit

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from their forms of
treatment and what occurred

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was what I just said happens to
so many women was I was medicated

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against my will I was
institutionalized against my will

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because the whole goal was to
get me to stop doing what I was

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doing and to do so in a punitive way not
to do so in a compassionate way when

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my house and she laid she\'s leaving or

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whatever came and was leaving Chile
grab my wrist and slammed it

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against the wall and said
What the hell are you

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doing and what were the same as
it was It was a fresh scar It

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was like a fresh cut and I was just like
really pissed off and unlikely to know

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your fucking business and she\'s
like I know what you\'re doing.

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I\'ve done it and I don\'t
want you to do that

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but usually when I do it
I\'m so numb emotionally

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I\'ve just suppressed everything
that\'s going on in the feelings.

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So much that I can\'t
feel anything and that\'s

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usually when I do that I\'ve gone
through this major trauma I\'ve just

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shoved it all down but I can
feel it like almost coming to

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the surface it\'s a way of matching the
physical pain with the emotional pain

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and acknowledging it making
myself not in love anymore

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because I have to attend to
what\'s going on I have to

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feel it physically and so I feel it
emotionally and it\'s very soothing process.

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I\'ve put a lot of thought into most of them

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and tried to have it mean
something where it would four to

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five meter I tried to use
symbols that that were real to

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me and incoming into these
traditions I see you

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There\'s very much similarity

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between the symbols that I have
my body with the symbols that

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we use to represent particular spirit
a lot of these afortification work.

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So that I can continue walking
upright in this world.

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Due to whatever.

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Whenever a particular challenge
or trauma that even if I

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just was feeling a little
kind of disconnected.

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That was a way that I would
connect myself that was a way for

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me to ground myself if I
ever thought that I was

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getting too out there and there\'s
nothing like having to do

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a very intense thing to yourself to
ground yourself To understand yourself.

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Something that cutting did for
me was helped me find my body.

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What I found is something
that\'s not unusual just for me

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but for most women who survived the abuses
we have co-experience of body of self.

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It was not safe for me to have a body

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and when I started realizing I didn\'t
have when I couldn\'t get rid of it

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I remember really specific times

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of like looking at my body in
different ways and shapes I mean

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I remember one time being at a at a
department store trying on clothes

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and Not liking what I was seeing
in the mirror not liking.

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Who I was not really knowing
who I was not knowing

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how far my mind could go
just feeling really limited

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in what I knew about myself and
just hating so much of what I

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saw at my hair my my face you
know nothing nothing was

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the way it should be and I remember leaving

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the department store and
on the way home dragging

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my knuckles across all of the facades
of the buildings that I was passing

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the brick glass the iron Wrought iron

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gates that I would pass I was running wild.

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An eight year old at Texas summer nights

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marriage dragging minor member like
Safeway they had a really rough

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because just like incredibly
rough textured world

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and I just kept running
back and forth driving

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Megakles you know just a very

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typical sort of doubling the
emotional theme church to energy.

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Sometimes I\'d cut myself for all
wild fraud even feel that I\'ll

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just be like cutting myself
and not feeling it at

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all it would just seem like
an interesting sensation like

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Right like just a fingernail or something
it just wouldn\'t even hurt and

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so I\'d have to cut more and more until

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finally we would her you know and
then as soon as it would hurt

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enough then I would be done when looking back
on that period of time when I was really

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abusing my my body and a lot of

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different ways wheeling myself
cutting myself burning myself

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I see it now as a as a time
of being just not aware of

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my physical space not not loving
my body not caring for it

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not Experiencing it and
really trying to explore and

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understand what the
confines of the body are

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and had I been in my body had I
known about my physical space and

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the physical limitations and
known about the power of

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my body I think that I would
have been more grounded.

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When I hurt myself and
other women who speak out

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on the same they hurt themselves
their intent is not to harm

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hurt and Harvard are
separate concepts herding is

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somehow Taking away some of
the harm to harm to me for

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myself would be to act out on myself
out of my own self hatred and blamed

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myself for the violence in the
past the abuse that I survived.

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There was like anger at my body but at

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the same time I think it was
a way of like trying to get

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my body back well it had gotten to such an
extreme that I wasn\'t feeling my body anymore.

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I would look down at my feet and they would
be these things that were really far away

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on the other side of
sun-like national border.

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I want it to be able to taste
food again I want it to be able

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to enjoy music I mean I\'d
have to turn the music up

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all the way all the way up to
like even begin to hear it I mean

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just All my senses were like everything
was like saw dust everywhere.

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One I used cutting for
sometimes Was to get back

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into my body to feel it to see it to
know that it was real and it exists.

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Technically it\'s labeled called dissociation
as a process of when you\'re being

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traumatized me can\'t quite Stay in

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your body to cope with it or
else you don\'t feel you survive.

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You pretty much leave your body
and in adulthood I continue to do

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that there would have been
a time in order to go

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through this interview I
would have cut myself and

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ramped an ace bandage around my wrist after
I taught myself and had my long sleeves on

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and been doing this interview just
having self-injury in order to get

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through an interview on self-injury in

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the past 5-10 years I\'ve
learned other ways to help

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my body to ground itself to
know that it\'s mine to value

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it more than I ever have when I was
pregnant And late adolescence.

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I remembered fully that my
brother and my older brother had

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like most and me for
several years and to have

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like white and your memory filled
in I typically was at a loss and

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the identities and so I took it upon

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myself to remove my fingerprints
and to add insult to

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injury I then just made us slash Dan
HBR to and that as an image has

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really It sort of permeates my art

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my writing my dreams
constantly delivering oxygen.

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Just the top layers of skin trying to

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get at like a lack of identity
which is where I found myself

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and I think part of it is definitely
the control factor feeling out of

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control just unable to change my situation

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unable to create my situation and having no
power over the situation But I had power in

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that I could make myself plead that I

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could make myself feel a sensation
that I could cut myself that I

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could take control of the I\'m not
ashamed of having gone through this at

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all I feel like really this
is just another aspect of

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the self-destructive
behavior that people show

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in every single aspect of constant
everyday life you know caffeine and

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cigarettes and alcohol and drugs and
reckless driving Scarification.

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Or me. Men a lot of different things are
connected to my relationships and my connection

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with my ancestor as my people
I think it\'s kind of hard for

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people to understand why
would put yourself in

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pain and think that it\'s
a spiritual ceremony

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or act scarification was
was always done in a in

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a particular sanctified and
historically sacred arena

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for particular moments transitions in time

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Every scar that I have has
led me up into the door to

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the traditions the African traditions
that are made I don\'t see it as

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a self-destructive thing
because it\'s helped

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me get where I am but it\'s also a
part of it\'s also a part of my past.

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I\'m really protective of it I know this is
like a survival technique for me but there

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is shame about it is well definitely and
it comes from Whenever I\'ve been taught.

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We are looking at the sky and see
sometimes depending on where I\'m

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at I can see see you pane there

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and also see it as like
a place where I didn\'t

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put it in focus it and let it
go the whole healing process of

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scarf cation and Kinase really
is a very healing thing to

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emotion Because you have to

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like take care yourself and get attention
you value otherwise you\'re a mess.

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The whole cycle of feeling that the damage
to embody and emotion revealing the damage.

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Letting it out through blood and doing this
process cutting and then taking care of

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it and taking care of myself I
can determined a lot by color.

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I\'m gonna scars healing is often so
flaming pinks was flaming red and

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it\'s blatant in it\'s obvious
and my scars are fading and

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they\'re not anywhere near as
noticeable as they were and that\'s

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kinda how it feels is is today

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a lot of their di pane has faded And I\'m

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onto new things new places
and new new wholeness.

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But the scars reminded me of what was in

00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:40.669
the past and it\'s no longer
weakness but a strength to draw

00:18:40.670 --> 00:18:46.039
from the whole thing is

00:18:46.040 --> 00:18:53.689
about for me a spiritual connection
so in my way I would pray.

00:18:53.690 --> 00:18:58.669
I would pray that that
some of my situations

00:18:58.670 --> 00:19:03.169
will change would pray for
fortification I would pray for

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understanding of myself and
my culture I would pray

00:19:07.130 --> 00:19:12.753
for strength as far as my family\'s consumed

00:19:12.754 --> 00:19:17.239
Passion as far as my family
is concerned I would pray

00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:22.729
that that I have the strength
to to to build my character I

00:19:22.730 --> 00:19:25.699
have the strength to let
go of the things about

00:19:25.700 --> 00:19:30.739
myself that doesn\'t do
me any good that I had

00:19:30.740 --> 00:19:38.740
the strength to let those things go and have
the focus to actually really changed them

00:19:51.580 --> 00:19:56.479
I will never say that I will
no longer cut And to me that

00:19:56.480 --> 00:20:01.249
saying I will not ever use
a lifeline I\'ve always

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had as a resource if it ever comes back
to that point they said that there\'s like

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eight to ten year burnout rate and it seems
like it\'s just kind of burnt-out For me it

00:20:14.720 --> 00:20:19.774
started when I was like 17 or 18 and now
I\'m like I\'m going to be 30 in October.

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Like I find myself walking
into the kitchen.

00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:24.769
Of somebody\'s house picking
up a knife and they\'d be

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like no I really don\'t even
need to do this anymore and

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just putting it back the majority
being light because that isn\'t how

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I deal with it anymore I don\'t I don\'t need

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to do that I would stop doing it if I

00:20:42.500 --> 00:20:46.099
could but I also don\'t
want to if I need to go

00:20:46.100 --> 00:20:52.129
into in a way

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they\'re still healing in a
way they\'re still doorways