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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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I was scared that if I don\'t do anything

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this guy tells me, that I\'m going to end up getting killed.

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He was really close to our family.

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I was 14.

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I was 15.

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I was 11.

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I never had really gotten any attention from boys.

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I always thought that I could totally handle myself

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with the best of them.

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I was a perfect target.

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He made me touch him in an inappropriate way .

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He started pulling my pants out.

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And I was like a baby-- a little chicken.

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He started unbuttoning my shorts and put his hand down my pants.

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No, stop, stop, stop.

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It was like something went off.

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And then he would freak out.

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I\'m going to kill you.

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And he had complete control.

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He just ended up raping me.

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He told me not to tell anyone.

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That\'s not a bad boyfriend.

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That\'s rape.

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Now I know that it can really, really happen to anyone.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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My name is Bernadette Ignachuk.

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And I was born in Brooklyn, New York.

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My mother was an alcoholic and a drug attic.

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I don\'t know my father.

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I was taken away from my mom when

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I was six years old because my mom burned me with a cigarette.

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And I went to residential treatment center

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where, after my 11th birthday, one of the staff members

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took me in my room, and closed the blinds,

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and locked the door, and molested me.

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I did not say anything right away about what happened.

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But I end up running away.

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And from there, I end up going into the convent.

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And I really liked it there.

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But my grandmom-- she didn\'t like the fact

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that I was leaving her alone and that I would never come back.

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I just finally left on my own.

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Three months after I turned 17, I was raped by a taxi driver.

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I scratched his face.

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And then I ended up running away from the car.

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About a week later, this priest comes to my house.

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And then when he started asking me questions about it,

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he started pointing.

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And he started touching me the places

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where the taxi driver hurt me.

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I was not part of reality.

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I was having flashbacks.

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I was in the mind of a 10-year-old in my room

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and being molested by a staff member.

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Then the priest was asking me about how

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are my relationships with guys.

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And I said that I\'m scared of guys.

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And then he started saying that he

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wants to show me how I don\'t have to be afraid of guys

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anymore.

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And he said that he\'s going to show me how sex could be good.

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So then the priest ended up raping me.

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When the priest said before he left

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that he asked me if he can come again

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when my grandma is not home.

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I didn\'t say anything.

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And then he left because he said he had to confess people--

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crying in the dark, and just crying, and just crying,

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because I felt so guilty because that was a priest.

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And how could I let that actually happen.

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I was very upset.

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And I couldn\'t concentrate in school.

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and I was kind of freaking .

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And my teachers were asking me about what\'s the matter.

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And they brought my school social worker.

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And after I said what happened, the cops came.

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They brought me to the emergency room to do a rape kit.

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And they found forensic evidence that made him guilty.

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When he got arrested, he was interrogated

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by Polish detectives.

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They asked him why he did this.

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And he said, because I wanted to show her how sex could be good.

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And he tried to deny it later.

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He tried to deny that, A, I didn\'t understand

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what they were talking about.

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And I\'d say, you don\'t understand your own language?

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You were talking in Polish.

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And plus have everything on video.

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So they had the whole interrogation process on video.

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So he couldn\'t really-- that was the proof right there too.

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And when this whole incident happened,

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people who already knew who it was because I

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was living with my grandmother.

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And they know me.

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And they knew my grandmother.

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So they were harassing me-- whispering behind my back,

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calling me names, and everything.

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And even the pastor of the church-- in church,

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he even called me a tramp and said that I

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tried to do this for money.

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And the pastor and some other people bailed him out.

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He plead guilty to what happened.

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But people say that he still is innocent

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and that he was coached to say that he was guilty.

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But because he plead guilty, he got nine months of jail time

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and will be deported back to Poland.

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It didn\'t make me feel good.

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But it made me feel like I could actually start healing now.

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The supporters of the SNAP group have been supporting me.

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And I feel good that someone actually supports me and knows

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what I\'ve been through.

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And that helps me with my healing process too.

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And now after the whole case, I have enlisted into the Army

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to be a military police officer.

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It was something when I was a little girl

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that I wanted to always do.

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And I believe that the military could help me a lot.

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I would say to girls or anybody who

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have been abused by anybody, sexually or physically,

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not to keep it in-- not to hold their feelings in-- you

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got to open up to somebody.

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You can\'t just hold it in, because it would just

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eat you up.

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It would eat you alive.

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And if you keep all the anger bottled up inside,

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it would just make you such a crazy person.

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I still consider myself a religious person,

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even though this thing happened with the priest.

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In the beginning, it was tough for me.

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But I still have my faith.

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And that\'s something as a Polish person

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and as a Catholic that has helped me a lot.

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You have to be strong and try to move on.

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When I was a freshman in high school, no one, no boy,

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had ever told me that I was attractive before.

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And I met this boy.

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And he played football.

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It was all very exciting.

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But then it started to move very quickly

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in a very short period of time.

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It was very frightening.

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He started trying to have sex with me.

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And I was 14.

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I was so young, and I\'d never been in that situation before.

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I had known this guy for three weeks-- two weeks.

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And it was like this recurring pattern

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of him taking me somewhere whether it

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was a classroom that no one was in,

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a student lounge where no one was around,

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or whether it was outside.

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And he was very aggressive.

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It was like he had something to prove.

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Everyone in the school, it seemed,

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knew that we were doing this.

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My teachers started to notice-- because we had class together,

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they would notice how extremely uncomfortable I\'d get.

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He\'d want to sit next to me.

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And he\'d start touching me in the middle of class.

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We\'re in the middle of the discussion.

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And he\'d have his hands all over me.

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Used to get bruises on my back from him squeezing me.

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And he would always try to take it to another level

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whether he was putting his hands down my pants

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or whether it was him trying to rip my clothes off.

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It was like something went off him.

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And then he would freak out.

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And he\'d get all the super-aggressive again,

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which isn\'t what\'s sex, or losing your virginity,

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or making love is about.

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The only time that I\'d ever come close to having sex

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is when he forced me to do it.

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Last time I tried to break up with him,

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he put his fist through the glass window.

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And there was blood everywhere.

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He created this whole idea in his head

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that we were in love that I was only one for him.

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As far as I know, even to this day,

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he still doesn\'t think he did anything wrong.

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I don\'t think he has the capacity to look back

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and say, hmm, maybe she didn\'t want to suck my dick.

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Maybe I shouldn\'t have yelled at her after that.

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I just needed to really separate myself from him.

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And I stopped talking in my classes.

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And I couldn\'t voice my opinion.

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I didn\'t even try in those classes.

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I failed.

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I just did really badly.

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I became really depressed.

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Then I\'m all worried.

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And school ended.

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And I started to cut myself.

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I had scars.

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And you can\'t really see them anymore.

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But they are on my wrist.

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I thought about killing myself all the time.

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I just hated myself.

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I couldn\'t believe that someone as outspoken as I am

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will let that happen.

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I couldn\'t believe it.

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I was disgusted by myself.

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I thought I was so dumb.

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I went to get tested for learning disabilities

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because I had done so poorly in my math class.

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And for some reason, I told this lady who was testing me.

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She was like, well, that\'s not a bad boyfriend.

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That\'s rape.

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So she asked for permission to tell my mom.

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And she did.

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And then I started going to therapy.

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I pretty much think that it\'s good for all teenagers

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to have an adult to talk to that aren\'t their parents

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or teacher, because and I\'ve always thought this,

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because kids need an alternate perspective that\'s not

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going to get them in trouble.

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They need someone to go to talk, because chances

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are they\'ve been there.

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Or they\'ve seen it.

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If they are good therapists, they

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are not going to call up your parents

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and say, well, your daughter told me this in our session

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today.

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And to have that is something that I

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think that all kids, especially girls, should have.

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It\'s taken a long time.

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It\'s taken a long time.

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It\'s taken a lot of mistakess-- a lot of therapy,

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but not only therapy going to a therapist,

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but a lot of reflection.

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Writing the journal was really, really helpful,

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because I could write anything I wanted.

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And I could say anything I wanted.

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I could draw whatever I wanted.

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It didn\'t matter.

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But it\'s been hard for me to paint

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things that represent who I am.

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I know out of my close friends at least five people

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that have been in a similar situation

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and felt that if they said anything to this school, then

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their parents would get angry at them

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for putting themselves in the position of whatever--

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in a compromising situation or where

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the school would punish them.

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I think all schools should have a center for kids

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to go to just where they can express themselves

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more than just a psychologist or a mandatory class,

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because kids need a safe haven.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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I was with my girlfriends.

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The boys came as they often do when you\'re 15.

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And they brought with them some beers and a bottle.

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And Mark, we didn\'t go to high school with him.

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He was older than us.

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I think that I was a perfect target.

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I was a fresh face.

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We had never met.

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I was overweight, not confident.

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I think that he knew what he was doing the second he

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walked into the party.

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He offered to go and get something to eat

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and-- you know, come with me for the ride.

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So I went with them for the ride and pulled down

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into a back, abandoned parking lot.

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At that point, he got physical.

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He grabbed my arm and I said, no, no-- you\'re

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going to do this.

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And I said, no, I don\'t want to do this.

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He grabbed the back of my neck and pushed me down and made

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me perform on him that I did not want to do at all-- very scared

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and not knowing if I should just get out of the car and go

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or-- how am I going to get home?

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Am I going to call my mom at 2:00 in the morning?

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I can\'t even explain how I felt. There\'s

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no words to describe how you feel after that happens.

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I didn\'t say anything to anybody.

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I didn\'t do anything about it.

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I just couldn\'t hold it in.

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I had to talk to somebody.

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And I told my mom.

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And mom, of course, her reaction immediately

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was we have to tell your father.

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And we have to go to the police.

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And I said, I don\'t want to tell dad.

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I don\'t want dad to know.

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I made her tell him on the phone.

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And then she gave the phone to me after she told the story.

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And it was the second time in my life

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that I ever heard my father cry.

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And it was really hard to hear my dad cry.

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Waking up and going to school every day was very difficult.

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I got a lot of teasing and a lot of name calling--

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more so from girls, actually.

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The boys would sort of give me a dirty look when I walked by.

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The girls were ruthless.

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And another week passed of my parents being so supportive.

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But they very much wanted me to go to the police with it.

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And I very much did not want to go to the police.

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After a week, they convinced me to go.

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And they arrested him.

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We went to court.

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The judge said we put you on probation for doing this

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to two other girls.

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You turn around, and you do it again.

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We offered a plea bargain of eight years--

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six before probation.

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He didn\'t take it-- didn\'t take it, didn\'t take it.

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The day that I was set to testify, they took it.

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They put him away.

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They apologized to me in front of the court

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for not putting him away the first time.

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Four other girls approached me in school

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and thanked me for doing what I was doing

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because he had done it to them.

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And they didn\'t do anything.

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They never told anyone.

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They just couldn\'t.

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They wouldn\'t.

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I don\'t know.

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I think he is literally incapable of having remorse.

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I think that he is a very sick person.

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And I think that he needs a lot of help

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through counseling and coming forth to the police

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and writing and letting those negative emotions out

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in positive creativity.

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I\'ve gotten through it.

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It took me six years to get here.

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And every day, I\'m still working to be better.

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When I came to college, I\'m not a big drinker.

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And my friends were drinking a little bit.

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This guy had become a decent friend of mine

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and so we ended up we sat around and he would come in and sit

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with us every once in while.

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So I was sitting there.

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And 30 seconds after they left and had gone out the door.

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And I could hear them going down the stairs,

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the guy walked right back in and came in and got right

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on top of me.

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And I remember, I said, what\'s up?

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What are you doing?

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And he took my hands and put them above my head

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and shifted my whole body up so my hands got

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stuck under of the couch.

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And I kept saying stop.

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And I always thought that I totally handle myself

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with the best of them.

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And this guy was not bigger than me anyway.

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He\'s about maybe an inch taller than me.

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He didn\'t look very muscular.

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And he had complete control.

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And I just remember this feeling of fear and horror

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going through my whole body and being, oh, my god,

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and pulling down my zipper and stuff.

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And he said, come on, baby, let me just put it in.

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Let me put it in.

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And I kept saying, no, stop, stop, stop.

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And I\'m squirming as much as I possibly can at this point.

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And it\'s weird because I totally had the impulse

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to kick him in the balls.

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And then there\'s that little thing inside your head

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which was going, no, he\'s my friend.

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And it\'s the stupidest thing to possibly think.

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But I really stopped, and you\'re like, well,

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maybe he\'s not doing what I think-- no, he is doing it.

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And then the door opened.

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And as soon as the door opened, he jumped right off me.

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And I pulled my shirt down, and he zipped up.

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And they clearly had an idea of exactly what was going on.

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So I went the next day to the dean.

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I had a meeting with him-- told him

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everything that had happened.

21:23.560 --> 21:26.140


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So we had the trial, was three weeks later.

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But he was basically expelled.

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And now he\'s gone.

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All next semester, I was really, really busy

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and just didn\'t deal with it-- just put everything in the back

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like, moving on with my life, moving on with my life.

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And I started getting flashbacks,

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and anxiety attacks, and totally reliving what happened to me.

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And it was the most dreadful, horrible time.

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I went to the counselor center at school.

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I didn\'t know who to go to.

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And they set me up with Dr. Pierson.

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And I\'ve had a therapist before.

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And it was horrible.

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And I hated her.

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And I dreaded going every single day.

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And Dr. Pierson helped me so much.

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She was the most amazing woman I ever met.

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And I don\'t have flashbacks.

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But I\'m more sensitive towards violence towards women.

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If you\'re going to make yourself be a victim or not,

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I think can be such a negative word.

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It\'s like you\'re never going to be

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changed because this thing happened to you.

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It becomes part of who you are.

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You can\'t try to hide it.

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You can\'t try to bury it.

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I tried doing that.

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And that doesn\'t work.

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But it makes you stronger.

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So many people don\'t come forward.

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And I know how hard it is.

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And the whole process sucks.

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It sucks so bad.

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There\'s nothing that\'s easy or light or anything about it.

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But it\'s better to try to something about it

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than just let things go through the cracks.

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And I guess my advice for women is be firm.

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If you don\'t want something, don\'t be afraid.

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And don\'t be ashamed or care about how people

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are going to think about for saying no

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or for standing your ground.

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That\'s what gets us in the problem when

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we don\'t stand our ground.

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(SINGING) Some kids have it, and some kids don\'t.

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And some of us are wondering why?

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And mama watched the news tonight.

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The channel might stop that\'s making her cry.

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We need some help.

23:57.350 --> 24:00.390


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We need some help.

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The first time I remember Wayne showing really weird behavior

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was when me and Wayne are sitting in the pool.

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And he grabbed my hand.

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And he made me touch him in an inappropriate way.

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And this was when I was around six years old.

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And at the time, I didn\'t really know it was wrong.

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I didn\'t know what was going on.

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And I knew there was something weird about it.

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But I didn\'t think it was wrong.

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I didn\'t tell my parents about it.

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The second time he sexually abused me was when I was nine.

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And it started out as me, his grandson,

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and him were playing hide and go seek.

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So me and Wayne went off to hide.

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And he asked me if I wanted to hide in the bathroom.

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And said, OK.

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And so I went in there.

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And I remember when we got in, he locked the door.

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And asked him why he did that.

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And he said, so he won\'t be able to come in if he finds us.

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He asked me if I wanted to sit on his lap.

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And I said, OK.

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And so I sat on his lap.

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And then after a minute or so, that\'s

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when he started unbuttoning shorts

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and put his hand down my pants.

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And I just sat there.

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And I was frozen.

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I didn\'t really know what to do.

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And I told him that I didn\'t think

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he should be doing that because I knew it was wrong.

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And so he let me get up.

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And told me not to tell anyone.

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I went over to hide somewhere else.

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And his grandson found me.

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And I decided to tell Tristan what happened.

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And he told me that I should tell my parents.

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And he also said that if I didn\'t, it\'d

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probably keep happening.

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And so I told my dad and my mom.

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And I was kind of scared to tell him.

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I was really nervous.

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And I had no idea how he would react.

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And I was really confused on what was going on and what they

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would say .

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I was crying, and he started crying too.

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We got a lawyer.

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And we tried to put him in jail.

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And in Mexico, they don\'t really enforce their laws that much.

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And so Wayne paid off the judge.

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And he didn\'t have to go to jail or anything.

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I didn\'t really have many friends.

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And at school, it was really hard for me

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sometimes because a lot of kids made fun of me

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because I was adopted.

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My therapist would tell me that it was my fault that they

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said those things about me.

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And I kept telling my parents that she

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was making me feel really bad.

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But they didn\'t really believe me until one day they

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decided to sit-in.

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And they realized that she wasn\'t really helping.

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We moved to the United States.

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And the therapist I\'m seeing now--

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we mostly just talk about what\'s going in my life.

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And she\'s helped me figure out some stuff.

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For one, it wasn\'t my fault that all of that

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happened, which is something really important

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that I learned.

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I\'ve learned that you can\'t really trust everyone.

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At this point, whenever I think about Wayne,

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which really isn\'t as often as I used to,

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I don\'t really get angry or sad.

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I just think that he needs help.

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I\'m 14 years old now.

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And from that experience, at the beginning,

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I was really afraid of men.

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I was even afraid of my own dad.

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And I was afraid-- for some time,

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I wouldn\'t let him touch me or even hug me.

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And I didn\'t like to sit on his lap or anything.

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And now it\'s the time when you have all your boyfriends

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and stuff.

28:10.440 --> 28:14.080


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I\'ve learned how to say, no.

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Right now, I think boys in general

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are pretty much just pigs honestly.

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Not all, but a lot of them-- all they ever think about

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is sex, sex, sex, sex.

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That\'s just everything.

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And I think it\'s really disgusting.

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They think girls are just things that they can use.

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We\'re not.

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You need to be really careful about do your chest seeing

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and also right now you\'re figuring out

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who your true friends are.

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You need to be really careful with the people

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that you hang out with, especially guys that you

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hang out with.

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And if there\'s anything weird about them,

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you should just be aware of what\'s going on.

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You need to keep your eyes open.

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And also, kids who know-- if they

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know about their friends being abused

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or even brothers or sisters, you have to tell someone,

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even if that person tells you.

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And they say, don\'t tell anyone.

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You have to promise you won\'t tell anyone.

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You n need to tell the school counselor or someone.

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Sometimes I just wanted to die.

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And so I cut my wrists when my parents weren\'t home.

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It feels good at the beginning.

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That\'s the scar that I have from when I cut my wrist.

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I didn\'t have to get stitches from it.

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But it was pretty bad.

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And they said that if I cut a little deeper,

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I would have hit a vein.

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That would have been really bad.

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And I wasn\'t really doing it to kill myself.

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I was really upset.

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And this was the only way I could really express

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how angry and upset I was.

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And the reason I think why it feels so good

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is because you feel like sometimes if you open it up,

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the pain pours out.

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It\'s really not that cool.

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It\'s not cool at all.

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Mostly why I stopped is because I saw how much it

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hurt my friends and my parents.

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You need to find other ways of expressing your anger

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or depression besides hurting yourself,

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because it\'s not good for you.

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It just makes it worse.

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Maybe if you are like me, I don\'t really

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like talking about it that much.

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I like to write it down a lot.

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Also drawing helps.

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Or if you like to express anger by screaming and yelling,

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you can take karate classes or something or sing.

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I love to sing.

31:05.450 --> 31:07.800
And singing always makes me feel better.

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Raise your voice.

31:08.890 --> 31:18.010
(SINGING) We need some help down here on Earth--

31:18.010 --> 31:24.090
a thousand prayers-- a million words.

31:24.090 --> 31:27.400


31:27.400 --> 31:29.730
But one voice was heard.

31:29.730 --> 31:37.120


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I feel really good now.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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