00:00:17.750 --> 00:00:19.791
I was probably, probably

00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:23.291
one of the shyest

00:00:23.291 --> 00:00:25.541
person, shy person I knew.

00:00:25.541 --> 00:00:27.458
I just

00:00:29.500 --> 00:00:30.375
I was afraid of people.

00:00:30.375 --> 00:00:31.625
I just couldn't talk to them.

00:00:31.625 --> 00:00:32.750
I couldn't mingle.

00:00:32.750 --> 00:00:36.583
I couldn't make friends easily.

00:00:37.208 --> 00:00:39.166
I just felt alone.

00:00:39.166 --> 00:00:39.833
And I felt like, okay,

00:00:39.833 --> 00:00:41.750
maybe this is what I'm supposed to be.

00:00:41.750 --> 00:00:42.666
I'm supposed to be alone.

00:00:42.666 --> 00:00:43.833
And if I was going to be alone,

00:00:43.833 --> 00:00:45.208
then I want to still feel something.

00:00:45.208 --> 00:00:46.083
So then

00:00:47.875 --> 00:00:50.250
as far as the self-harm kicks in,

00:00:50.250 --> 00:00:51.291
where it's like, okay, well,

00:00:51.291 --> 00:00:53.666
this is the way you feel something.

00:00:55.958 --> 00:00:57.333
And you can assign meanings

00:00:57.333 --> 00:00:59.458
to these pains and these acts.

00:00:59.708 --> 00:01:00.791
Each individual act had a

00:01:00.791 --> 00:01:02.000
like a meaning to it

00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:03.500
and why I was doing it.

00:01:03.500 --> 00:01:05.041
What I wanted to feel.

00:01:05.041 --> 00:01:05.916
Or

00:01:07.333 --> 00:01:09.583
some of them were just to punish as well.

00:01:09.625 --> 00:01:11.041
Like, if I did something bad,

00:01:13.583 --> 00:01:15.000
the world wasn't going to punish me.

00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:15.583
I made sure

00:01:15.583 --> 00:01:17.750
that I was going to punish me.

00:01:19.958 --> 00:01:23.500
I poured like a spoon of hot water

00:01:23.791 --> 00:01:25.541
on my face.

00:01:27.416 --> 00:01:30.333
Luckily, it hasn't stayed with.

00:01:30.625 --> 00:01:33.666
But I remember that

00:01:33.666 --> 00:01:36.041
it was like a month that I had like this.

00:01:36.041 --> 00:01:38.041
It was first degree burn on my face.

00:01:39.041 --> 00:01:41.000
And I forget what I told my mom,

00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:43.250
how that happened.

00:01:43.250 --> 00:01:45.125
But I was able to play it

00:01:45.125 --> 00:01:47.083
off, surprisingly.

00:01:48.791 --> 00:01:50.250
I mean, I remember some nights

00:01:50.250 --> 00:01:53.500
I would like, you know, like, just cry,

00:01:53.500 --> 00:01:54.000
you know, like,

00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:54.458
kind of like,

00:01:54.458 --> 00:01:54.875
you know, wait

00:01:54.875 --> 00:01:58.083
‘till everybody's asleep and just kind of.

00:01:58.791 --> 00:02:00.458
Just bawl out emotionally,

00:02:00.458 --> 00:02:01.750
just cathartically

00:02:01.750 --> 00:02:03.666
just let it all out.

00:02:03.875 --> 00:02:06.583
But after a while,

00:02:06.583 --> 00:02:09.625
that becomes not enough.

00:02:10.833 --> 00:02:12.000
I didn't want to exist

00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:13.291
or if I was going to exist,

00:02:13.291 --> 00:02:14.875
I wanted to feel something

00:02:14.875 --> 00:02:16.916
because I felt dead in real life.

00:02:17.875 --> 00:02:18.750
But when I was doing

00:02:18.750 --> 00:02:21.708
these acts to myself, I felt alive.

00:02:37.250 --> 00:02:38.875
But I also knew

00:02:38.875 --> 00:02:41.416
this was too far, even for me.

00:02:41.416 --> 00:02:43.250
I just started

00:02:43.250 --> 00:02:45.958
exploring new ways to express myself.

00:02:45.958 --> 00:02:48.333
There has to be another way.

00:02:48.833 --> 00:02:49.916
There has to be something else

00:02:49.916 --> 00:02:53.541
I can do besides this

00:02:55.291 --> 00:02:57.833
This forensic science class I was in.

00:02:57.833 --> 00:02:59.500
Primarily had

00:02:59.500 --> 00:03:02.166
students from a year older than me,

00:03:02.875 --> 00:03:06.166
so they never really grew up with me

00:03:06.166 --> 00:03:09.541
so I could reinvent myself.

00:03:10.666 --> 00:03:12.791
And this group of people,

00:03:12.791 --> 00:03:16.416
they they found me

00:03:16.416 --> 00:03:18.500
funny, entertaining.

00:03:18.500 --> 00:03:20.375
They liked talking to me.

00:03:20.375 --> 00:03:21.875
And that boosted my confidence.

00:03:21.875 --> 00:03:23.916
Like anything, I just felt all right.

00:03:23.916 --> 00:03:25.833
I finally have

00:03:26.583 --> 00:03:28.500
real friends,

00:03:29.375 --> 00:03:31.583
but slowly

00:03:31.583 --> 00:03:32.666
I wasn't looking forward

00:03:32.666 --> 00:03:34.000
to cutting myself anymore.

00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:34.708
I was looking forward

00:03:34.708 --> 00:03:36.875
to spending the next class with these

00:03:36.875 --> 00:03:37.750
with this group

00:03:37.750 --> 00:03:40.041
because I was just so happy with them.

00:03:40.958 --> 00:03:41.791
I could

00:03:42.208 --> 00:03:44.166
talk, I could, I could just crack jokes.

00:03:44.166 --> 00:03:45.458
I just love, see, smile.

00:03:45.458 --> 00:03:46.125
I was like,

00:03:46.125 --> 00:03:46.875
I remember, like,

00:03:46.875 --> 00:03:47.916
trying to come up with jokes

00:03:47.916 --> 00:03:49.333
and funny things to say the night

00:03:49.333 --> 00:03:50.833
before going to class.

00:03:50.833 --> 00:03:54.125
And that's what kind of birthed

00:03:54.791 --> 00:03:57.541
the actor in me, the performer in me.

00:03:58.541 --> 00:03:59.458
And

00:04:00.125 --> 00:04:01.791
soon after I was like,

00:04:01.791 --> 00:04:03.875
I want to do morning news announcements

00:04:04.416 --> 00:04:05.416
because then I can get a bigger

00:04:05.416 --> 00:04:06.166
audience and I can

00:04:06.166 --> 00:04:07.291
I can do the same shtick

00:04:07.291 --> 00:04:09.083
that this class loved

00:04:09.083 --> 00:04:10.375
on a bigger platform.

00:04:10.375 --> 00:04:11.583
And I did.

00:04:11.791 --> 00:04:13.166
I became a new person

00:04:13.166 --> 00:04:14.625
it was all because

00:04:14.625 --> 00:04:15.833
like four people

00:04:15.833 --> 00:04:17.041
saw me in a different light.

00:04:17.041 --> 00:04:19.375
They engaged me on a different level

00:04:19.375 --> 00:04:21.458
than the entire world was.

00:04:33.875 --> 00:04:35.000
I would have episodes

00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:36.875
where things felt like too much

00:04:36.875 --> 00:04:40.250
and somehow scissors were grabbed

00:04:40.250 --> 00:04:41.875
and clothing

00:04:41.875 --> 00:04:43.166
generally was cut first

00:04:43.166 --> 00:04:45.166
because kiddie scissors

00:04:45.166 --> 00:04:47.833
don't do or didn't, don't do it

00:04:47.875 --> 00:04:50.000
what I needed them to do at the moment.

00:04:50.875 --> 00:04:51.750
I don't really know

00:04:51.750 --> 00:04:55.000
how long in preschool I was doing it.

00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:56.666
I used to carry like knives

00:04:56.666 --> 00:04:57.541
and blades with me, in like,

00:04:57.541 --> 00:04:58.416
elementary school,

00:04:58.416 --> 00:05:00.458
even though I still didn't cut, but like

00:05:00.458 --> 00:05:01.791
I just always wanted, like,

00:05:02.541 --> 00:05:04.833
Something about those things, did something for me

00:05:04.833 --> 00:05:06.666
until, like, I got older,

00:05:06.666 --> 00:05:09.000
and then I had this, like, all this space

00:05:09.833 --> 00:05:12.458
that allowed me to, like,

00:05:12.458 --> 00:05:14.083
use it as a coping mechanism

00:05:14.083 --> 00:05:15.250
on a more regular basis,

00:05:15.250 --> 00:05:16.833
not just because

00:05:16.833 --> 00:05:19.125
not just in the extreme situation.

00:05:20.583 --> 00:05:22.000
My father was abusive to my

00:05:22.000 --> 00:05:23.666
mom and also a drug user,

00:05:23.666 --> 00:05:27.666
and I had just recently

00:05:27.666 --> 00:05:31.458
like been abused.

00:05:31.708 --> 00:05:33.583
It was almost like

00:05:33.583 --> 00:05:35.875
being filled to the brim

00:05:35.875 --> 00:05:37.916
with like emotions I couldn't handle

00:05:40.625 --> 00:05:42.291
almost like alien.

00:05:42.291 --> 00:05:43.958
Like the aliens are kind of

00:05:43.958 --> 00:05:46.458
trying to pop out of my body

00:05:46.458 --> 00:05:48.500
because it was too much internally.

00:05:50.333 --> 00:05:53.333
I think the blood was like

00:05:53.333 --> 00:05:55.000
some sort of visual indication

00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:57.916
that the pain would come later.

00:05:57.916 --> 00:05:58.666
that like at least

00:05:58.666 --> 00:05:59.375
If I could see that

00:05:59.375 --> 00:06:01.416
I was bleeding that like,

00:06:01.416 --> 00:06:01.875
at least

00:06:01.875 --> 00:06:03.125
like whenever the fuck

00:06:03.125 --> 00:06:05.333
I could get myself to calm down

00:06:05.916 --> 00:06:06.750
that I would

00:06:06.750 --> 00:06:10.708
physically feel the pain after.

00:06:11.041 --> 00:06:12.583
But that pain would also like

00:06:12.583 --> 00:06:13.708
be this relieving

00:06:13.708 --> 00:06:15.625
like I would feel relieved for a while

00:06:15.625 --> 00:06:17.708
because also I heal slowly.

00:06:17.708 --> 00:06:20.625
So like I yeah, I just it felt,

00:06:21.125 --> 00:06:23.708
I felt like an immense amount of relief

00:06:25.208 --> 00:06:27.208
I actually stopped

00:06:27.208 --> 00:06:28.666
cutting

00:06:28.666 --> 00:06:31.000
like super actively in high school.

00:06:31.875 --> 00:06:34.000
And I hadn't really cut in some time.

00:06:35.208 --> 00:06:36.083
So I would write

00:06:36.083 --> 00:06:36.875
or I would draw

00:06:36.875 --> 00:06:40.041
and those things stuff for me too.

00:06:40.041 --> 00:06:41.416
And were healing

00:06:41.416 --> 00:06:44.791
but cutting also like actively like

00:06:45.250 --> 00:06:46.583
made me feel

00:06:46.583 --> 00:06:49.291
relieved in a way that nothing else can.

00:06:49.291 --> 00:06:50.250
Still,

00:06:51.750 --> 00:06:54.000
I missed that, like, release.

00:06:54.041 --> 00:06:55.416
I miss

00:06:55.416 --> 00:06:57.750
I miss the feeling of being able to like

00:06:57.958 --> 00:07:01.458
wind myself back and feel like I.

00:07:01.458 --> 00:07:01.833
I

00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:05.750
I felt most okay after I cut

00:07:07.083 --> 00:07:09.708
and nothing compares to.

00:07:11.708 --> 00:07:15.333
So I sometimes I get nostalgic about it

00:07:15.625 --> 00:07:16.500
even in moments

00:07:16.500 --> 00:07:18.500
where I'm like, really freaking out.

00:07:18.500 --> 00:07:19.708
Music is helpful,

00:07:19.708 --> 00:07:21.083
but like, to be honest,

00:07:21.083 --> 00:07:23.500
it's like my scars looking at them.

00:07:23.500 --> 00:07:24.416
And you've been like

00:07:24.416 --> 00:07:27.250
remembering the feelings after.

00:07:28.750 --> 00:07:30.416
Do something that nothing else can.

00:07:32.875 --> 00:07:34.500
I try to, like, more tell

00:07:34.500 --> 00:07:35.833
intimate partners now.

00:07:35.833 --> 00:07:36.375
One, because

00:07:36.375 --> 00:07:38.750
they're going to see the scars.

00:07:39.458 --> 00:07:43.375
I have them and they’re visible

00:07:43.708 --> 00:07:45.625
and I mean, for a long time

00:07:45.625 --> 00:07:46.541
I had like

00:07:46.541 --> 00:07:48.416
intimate, quote unquote, partners

00:07:48.416 --> 00:07:50.833
that wouldn't see my body.

00:07:50.833 --> 00:07:53.958
But eventually, I felt like

00:07:55.458 --> 00:07:58.125
I wanted folks to be able to see my body

00:07:58.125 --> 00:07:59.375
and not to hide those things.

00:07:59.375 --> 00:08:01.083
Because whether or not

00:08:01.083 --> 00:08:02.166
the scars are visible

00:08:02.166 --> 00:08:05.000
like it was definitely a part of me

00:08:05.625 --> 00:08:06.958
that I wanted to be able to share

00:08:06.958 --> 00:08:08.291
with, like people I loved

00:08:08.291 --> 00:08:10.500
and shared space with.

00:08:10.500 --> 00:08:12.541
I liken it to being trans, like,

00:08:12.541 --> 00:08:14.250
I don't tell everybody.

00:08:14.250 --> 00:08:15.708
I'm not comfortable telling everybody,

00:08:15.708 --> 00:08:17.583
but like, it's a very

00:08:17.791 --> 00:08:19.083
important part that like,

00:08:19.083 --> 00:08:21.000
if I feel like I can't tell you, then it

00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:22.416
affects how close we can be.

00:08:38.333 --> 00:08:39.541
It's just so difficult

00:08:39.541 --> 00:08:42.333
to be queer and be a person of color.

00:08:43.875 --> 00:08:45.500
And not having like

00:08:45.500 --> 00:08:48.416
people like that around is just so

00:08:48.625 --> 00:08:52.291
it's so discouraging and isolating.

00:08:52.541 --> 00:08:54.500
I always felt like my parents were

00:08:54.500 --> 00:08:55.208
they always had like

00:08:55.208 --> 00:08:58.500
super high expectations of me.

00:08:58.500 --> 00:09:01.083
I definitely didn't have, like,

00:09:01.083 --> 00:09:02.750
the words and the analysis

00:09:02.750 --> 00:09:04.083
to describe it at the time.

00:09:04.083 --> 00:09:06.333
But I think just because of the

00:09:06.333 --> 00:09:08.000
like the generation gap

00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:11.750
and them being immigrants to the U.S.

00:09:11.791 --> 00:09:14.166
and then me being born here, like we had

00:09:14.750 --> 00:09:16.916
totally different ideas of like

00:09:16.916 --> 00:09:19.666
what my life would end up becoming,

00:09:22.833 --> 00:09:24.250
not even just like what,

00:09:24.250 --> 00:09:25.958
you know, what career path I would take

00:09:25.958 --> 00:09:26.958
or you know, who

00:09:26.958 --> 00:09:27.541
I would

00:09:27.541 --> 00:09:28.916
marry or whatever

00:09:28.916 --> 00:09:31.291
they were really concerned about.

00:09:31.291 --> 00:09:33.750
It was everything about like how I dress,

00:09:33.916 --> 00:09:35.125
how I cut my hair,

00:09:36.541 --> 00:09:37.916
what my attitude look like.

00:09:37.916 --> 00:09:40.166
(be)cause I was very different,

00:09:40.291 --> 00:09:41.625
cuz I would worry so much about

00:09:41.625 --> 00:09:43.208
like what other people would think.

00:09:43.208 --> 00:09:45.333
And then I would

00:09:45.333 --> 00:09:46.000
I would try to, like,

00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:48.333
brainstorm ways of how to cover it up.

00:09:49.500 --> 00:09:50.416
When I used to cut

00:09:50.416 --> 00:09:51.791
like it was that

00:09:51.791 --> 00:09:53.958
even though like it hurt a little bit,

00:09:54.166 --> 00:09:56.541
it wasn't like this scary kind of thing.

00:10:02.333 --> 00:10:04.166
This is painful for like a little bit,

00:10:04.166 --> 00:10:05.958
and then it stops

00:10:05.958 --> 00:10:08.625
and then the skin grows over again,

00:10:08.625 --> 00:10:10.041
and then you're fine.

00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:14.166
I was in San Francisco

00:10:14.166 --> 00:10:16.166
and I told one of my friends there

00:10:16.166 --> 00:10:16.541
like,

00:10:16.541 --> 00:10:18.041
I've always wanted to get tattoos

00:10:18.041 --> 00:10:19.500
and I feel like

00:10:19.500 --> 00:10:21.958
it would be so good to get them over my wrist

00:10:21.958 --> 00:10:23.791
because it'll, you know

00:10:23.791 --> 00:10:24.458
be for me,

00:10:24.458 --> 00:10:26.041
like I can remind myself

00:10:26.041 --> 00:10:27.166
to, like, not cut.

00:10:32.458 --> 00:10:33.083
He was the only

00:10:33.083 --> 00:10:34.083
person in town

00:10:34.083 --> 00:10:35.083
that would do them

00:10:35.083 --> 00:10:37.125
for like under a hundred bucks.

00:10:37.125 --> 00:10:39.333
Even before he started tattooing me,

00:10:39.375 --> 00:10:42.041
like he saw all the scars on my wrists.

00:10:48.416 --> 00:10:49.250
After that,

00:10:49.250 --> 00:10:49.708
I was like,

00:10:49.708 --> 00:10:52.500
I need to take this seriously.

00:10:52.708 --> 00:10:54.250
Like, this is a better

00:10:54.250 --> 00:10:57.083
way to control what I'm feeling.

00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:02.083
But truthfully,

00:11:02.791 --> 00:11:04.125
it is to cover up the scars

00:11:04.125 --> 00:11:06.083
that I had from cutting.

00:11:06.083 --> 00:11:09.625
And it was I felt like it was a good

00:11:10.708 --> 00:11:12.916
preventative thing.

00:11:15.500 --> 00:11:17.666
It's not easy to stop tho.

00:11:17.666 --> 00:11:18.375
I think,

00:11:18.375 --> 00:11:19.375
with cutting and drinking,

00:11:19.375 --> 00:11:21.125
I feel the same way.

00:11:21.666 --> 00:11:24.666
Like, I don't regret anything.

00:11:24.750 --> 00:11:26.041
I honestly feel that way.

00:11:26.041 --> 00:11:29.541
More towards drinking.

00:11:29.541 --> 00:11:31.291
It's almost like the amount of control

00:11:31.291 --> 00:11:32.666
that you have

00:11:33.458 --> 00:11:35.500
in drinking is like

00:11:35.500 --> 00:11:36.708
it just feels like nothing.

00:11:36.708 --> 00:11:38.458
But then, like, with cutting,

00:11:38.458 --> 00:11:39.375
there is control.

00:11:39.375 --> 00:11:40.666
But I'm like, I'm wondering, like, why?

00:11:40.666 --> 00:11:41.125
Why

00:11:41.916 --> 00:11:44.291
why replace like

00:11:44.541 --> 00:11:47.125
one form of self-harm with another,

00:11:47.125 --> 00:11:48.333
but like the outcomes

00:11:48.333 --> 00:11:51.083
are a little bit different, I feel.

00:11:53.916 --> 00:11:54.625
Feel like with drinking.

00:11:54.625 --> 00:11:57.291
Like I would just have no

00:11:57.708 --> 00:11:59.416
control over my personality

00:11:59.416 --> 00:12:00.291
in particular.

00:12:00.291 --> 00:12:01.375
Like it made me into this

00:12:01.375 --> 00:12:02.208
different person.

00:12:02.208 --> 00:12:05.916
But I felt like I didn't recognize.

00:12:09.416 --> 00:12:11.125
I don't know that I would say that

00:12:11.125 --> 00:12:12.083
cutting always made me

00:12:12.083 --> 00:12:13.416
feel better about myself,

00:12:13.416 --> 00:12:15.833
but maybe drinking did.

00:12:15.833 --> 00:12:17.208
I would always get scared

00:12:17.208 --> 00:12:19.625
of getting the reactions like,

00:12:21.666 --> 00:12:24.125
Oh, you're trying to kill yourself.

00:12:24.125 --> 00:12:25.541
This isn't me trying to kill myself.

00:12:25.541 --> 00:12:26.041
This is me.

00:12:26.041 --> 00:12:27.166
Just like trying to understand,

00:12:27.166 --> 00:12:28.750
like, how I feel.

00:12:29.500 --> 00:12:31.791
Maybe like a couple weeks ago,

00:12:31.791 --> 00:12:32.625
somebody came to me,

00:12:32.625 --> 00:12:35.583
who's also queer and Filipino, and they.

00:12:35.583 --> 00:12:37.708
They have a bunch of

00:12:37.708 --> 00:12:39.416
scars on their wrists.

00:12:39.416 --> 00:12:40.041
And they were like,

00:12:40.041 --> 00:12:41.208
I saw that comic that you did,

00:12:41.208 --> 00:12:42.125
and I was hoping, like,

00:12:42.125 --> 00:12:43.541
maybe you could help me cover this up.

00:12:43.541 --> 00:12:45.208
And then I got really emotional.

00:12:45.208 --> 00:12:46.916
I'm like oh my god, of course! yeah,

00:12:49.125 --> 00:12:51.416
people self-harm themselves all the time.

00:12:51.416 --> 00:12:53.458
I mean, especially like,

00:12:53.458 --> 00:12:55.875
you know, with drinking and

00:12:55.875 --> 00:12:57.708
drugs, and addiction or whatever,

00:12:57.708 --> 00:12:59.250
but it's just like there's so many ways

00:12:59.250 --> 00:13:00.625
that we're, like, hurting ourselves.

00:13:00.625 --> 00:13:01.083
And

00:13:03.625 --> 00:13:05.208
I feel like

00:13:05.208 --> 00:13:07.791
we all kind of, like, need help equally,

00:13:07.791 --> 00:13:10.958
but given to us in different ways.

00:13:14.083 --> 00:13:14.916
Maybe talking about

00:13:14.916 --> 00:13:16.000
it is what I should have done

00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:18.000
from the get-go.

00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:18.916
You know, maybe that's

00:13:18.916 --> 00:13:20.666
what would have stopped

00:13:20.666 --> 00:13:24.250
it much earlier in my life than it did.

00:13:25.208 --> 00:13:26.291
So I'm just.

00:13:27.208 --> 00:13:28.916
Open about it now.

00:13:31.458 --> 00:13:32.875
I don't like to offer advice

00:13:32.875 --> 00:13:35.250
that someone doesn't ask for,

00:13:35.250 --> 00:13:36.458
but like to like,

00:13:36.458 --> 00:13:39.041
definitely say that like

00:13:39.708 --> 00:13:41.666
I always like

00:13:41.666 --> 00:13:43.416
want to open up myself

00:13:43.416 --> 00:13:44.916
to have those types of conversations

00:13:44.916 --> 00:13:46.291
with folks.

00:13:47.458 --> 00:13:49.958
We all kind of need help equally,

00:13:49.958 --> 00:13:51.541
but given to us in different ways.