My So-Called Selfish Life
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- Transcript
MY SO-CALLED SELFISH LIFE is a paradigm-shifting documentary from award-winning filmmaker Therese Shechter that examines one of our greatest social taboos: choosing to be childfree. This funny, thought-provoking, and sometimes sobering film shines light on a society that believes all women want children — that giving birth is not only a biological imperative but the defining measure of womanhood.
University of Maine | Dr. Amy Blackstone, Professor of Sociology, Margaret Chase Smith Policy Center, University of Maine; Author, “Childfree By Choice” (Dutton 2019)
"Wonderful to see and hear from a diverse group, particularly given how white and middle/upper-middle class this area of work - both in terms of whose experiences are considered and who gets presented as expert - has been to this point."
Brooklyn College and the Graduate Center, CUNY | Bonnie Anderson, PhD, Professor Emerita of History
"I thought My So-Called Selfish Life was terrific and loved all the different kinds of women the film portrayed. I especially enjoyed Marcia, as well as filmmaker Therese Shechter's mother, and the inclusion of women of color. A wonderful job!"
Denison University | Dr. Hanne Boyd Blank, Visiting Assistant Professor, Dept. of Women’s and Gender Studies
"My So-Called Selfish Life is a big-hearted and joyfully feminist film that opens an important conversation about the potential of women's lives. In a world that still presumes, in spaces from doctor's office forms to grocery-line small talk, that women inevitably become mothers, it's radical to not only say but show that women's lives can be full, rich, and good from beginning to end without ever bearing a child or parenting. Best of all, this film gives us something few other sources do: role models for what it can look like for women to flourish without children.”
Hunter College and LaGuardia Community College | Bronwen Pardes MA, Lecturer
“In My So-Called Selfish Life, director Therese Shechter walks a fine line, taking aim at the motherhood mandate without dishonoring motherhood or mothers. Parenthood is hard enough for those who want to do it, and should only be undertaken with enthusiasm.”
University of South Carolina Beaufort | Deborah J. Cohan , Ph.D., Professor of Sociology
"As a 52 year old woman who chose not to have children, I found the film immensely relatable, touching on the very questions I had over the past 25 years and that I still have. The film is validating and life-affirming for those who have made this choice, and it is deeply informative for anyone willing to try to be open to understanding this choice. The film is a work of intense love."
Ms. Magazine
"A striking and imaginative documentary, which addresses an oft-overlooked facet of reproductive justice.”
The Globe and Mail | Zosia Bielski
"An engrossing deep dive into the child-free choice."
Quelle Movies | Raquel Stecher
“It’s a profoundly important documentary about a subject that is often swept under the rug. Any childfree or childless woman, including myself, who has endured awkward and hurtful conversations with people in their lives about their situation will feel not only validated but redeemed to hear so many women in similar situations. And for those who cast judgement on others about the idea of maternal regret, they may learn a thing or two about compassion."
Albany Times-Union | 4 Can’t-Miss Movies at Woodstock
“Both laugh-out-loud hilarious and heartbreaking”
Film Threat | Ray Logo
“My So-Called Selfish Life is a timely documentary on an issue as pressing as ever. Women’s bodies and fertility are continuing areas of concern for those in power — again, usually men. The recent laws passed in Texas—and perhaps due to be passed in other states — are evidence enough.”
Chicago Reader | Wanjiky Kairu
“From start to finish, My So-Called Selfish life is visceral and entertaining.”
Chicago Tribune | Darcel Rockett
“Worried about the baby questions that will be lobbed at you this holiday season? ‘My So-Called Selfish Life’ could be the film to end the conversations.”
Agnes Films | Alexandra Hidalgo
“The film expertly blends interviews with decades of film and TV clips in which women are confronted with the expectation that they become mothers, not only for their own self-fulfillment but also to perform their duty to society.”
“I want what SHE has” podcast | Theresa Widmann
“A fascinating, thought provoking, informative and entertaining… and this is coming from someone who has struggled to have children yet is STILL trying!”
Citation
Main credits
Shechter, Therese (screenwriter)
Shechter, Therese (film producer)
Shechter, Therese (film director)
Other credits
Cinematography by Iris Ng; edited by Siobhan Dunne; original score composed by Stephen Thomas Cavit; animation by Luke Murphy.
Distributor subjects
Pronatalism,Motherhood,”Media Criticism”,Population,”Climate Change”,”Reproductive Justice”,”Abortion”,”Contraception”,”Nuclear Family”,Gynecology,”Alternative Families”,”Baby Boom”,”Fertility Rate”,Fertility,Infertility,”Baby Bust”,Eugenics,Sterilization,”Black Families”,”Maternal Regret”,SlaveryKeywords
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[Child Singing] ♪ Mary and
John, sitting in a tree, ♪
00:03.776 --> 00:06.705
♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G. ♪
00:06.705 --> 00:09.563
♪ First comes love, then comes marriage, ♪
00:09.563 --> 00:12.348
♪ then comes the baby
in the baby carriage. ♪
00:12.348 --> 00:15.042
(echoing) ♪ Then comes the
baby in the baby carriage. ♪
00:15.042 --> 00:16.800
[Therese VO] Motherhood is an institution
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so deeply ingrained in our society,
00:19.620 --> 00:21.730
that we take it for granted as part
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of the natural order of life.
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It's our biological destiny.
00:29.640 --> 00:32.493
The culmination of our female journey.
00:32.493 --> 00:35.052
(Piano music: Prelude 1, by J.S. Bach)
00:35.052 --> 00:36.591
(baby yawning)
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From the time we're little,
00:39.260 --> 00:41.573
it's expected that we'll
all have children...
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and that we're selfish if we don't.
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Well, that's what makes a
grownup woman, isn't it?
00:50.770 --> 00:52.800
Making love, having a baby.
00:52.800 --> 00:55.633
It's not learning math or
writing an English composition.
00:58.230 --> 01:01.173
[Therese VO] I could not
wait to get my period.
01:02.079 --> 01:04.662
(bright music)
01:06.050 --> 01:09.050
My health teacher sold
menstruation as a gift,
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the entree to a special club
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that would make the cramping
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and bleeding totally worth it.
01:16.530 --> 01:18.020
But once it arrived...
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No! Oh no!
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(ominous music)
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You're a woman now.
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You're a woman now, do you
have any idea what that means?
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You're a woman now, you could have a baby!
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So you see, menstruation
is just the natural
01:34.440 --> 01:36.993
normal process leading
up to being a mother.
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[Therese VO] I've known since high school
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that I did not want to be a mother.
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At one point you just
declared that if I ever want
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to have grandchildren, you
said, look at your sister.
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Don't look at me.
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So I got the message.
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[Therese VO] Although my
family never pressured me,
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I still felt this expectation
to become a mother.
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(people screaming)
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What does it mean to live in a world
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where motherhood is our destiny?
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And what happens if we say no?
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(bright music)
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(loud flapping of wings)
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Nobody doesn't want kids.
People can not want kids.
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It's a thing.
That is not a thing.
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Well, it's my thing.
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I didn't really ever want kids,
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but I always assumed I would have them.
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I kept asking myself, is
this gonna happen to me?
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Does it have to happen?
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I acted like it was gonna
be this inevitable fate.
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When I first graduated from
college, I bought a house,
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and I was like, okay, I'm
gonna buy this house now
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for my kids to live in.
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I didn't even know where I got that from,
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but I was like, oh, yo,
I'm gonna buy this house
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for my kids to live in.
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And my husband.
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(street sounds)
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Out of all my friends,
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I basically am one of the only ones
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who does not have a child.
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As a woman of color,
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you're expected to be, you know,
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the caregiver extraordinaire,
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like somebody's nanny or somebody
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who's just naturally maternalistic.
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Been very clear in my
serious relationships
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very early on that I do not want children.
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In some cases, I think people feel
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that they will change my mind later.
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They're certainly more than
welcome to have that opinion,
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but at their own peril.
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You come across a man whose
biological clock is ticking,
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because literally, you know,
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once he does the initial,
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the preliminary assessment
of are you attractive?
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Do I want to have sex with you?
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Then it's like, would
you be a suitable vessel?
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(she laughs) You can
just see it, you know?
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You're just like, you're
like, hey, you know,
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my kid would have decent
cheekbones, be articulate,
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you're articulate, you're not round,
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you know, you're a decent
size, it's all good.
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You, vessel! come forth.
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(vessel clunks when put down)
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I think that people who are
obsessed with adding humans
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to the planet, given the
current state of the planet
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should, you know, think twice about that,
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before they pass judgment on
people who haven't done that.
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(water bubbling)
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One of the things my mother taught me,
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for which I'm immensely grateful,
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is to always ask questions,
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never take anything at face
value, and be independent.
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Be an independent thinker.
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It's basically, it's a
survival skill, you know?
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I do not want children, okay?
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Why can nobody accept this?
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Sweetie, you do not have
to decide right now.
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You still have plenty of time.
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I remained fertile till I was 56.
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Terrific.
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(car horns beeping)
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[Offscreen] There's a lot
more variety in our population
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than I think most of us know.
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The fact that many people
don't want to have children,
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and that it's common,
I know, 'cause I ask.
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[Therese VO] Dr. Bernadith Russell
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is my very supportive OB/GYN.
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Historically, I think
there were always women
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who didn't want to have children.
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The ability to control your
fertility was so limited,
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in order to not have children,
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it was making a commitment to celibacy.
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[Therese VO] Consider the
women we've historically
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called spinsters, old
maids, and cat ladies.
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The assumption was that
no man wanted them.
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But what if they stayed single on purpose?
06:06.630 --> 06:08.340
Before modern contraceptives,
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most women had little control
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over whether or not they had children.
06:12.790 --> 06:16.100
A woman's value was as a walking uterus,
06:16.100 --> 06:19.300
put on this earth to
birth and raise babies
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for her husband
06:20.991 --> 06:22.873
and her nation.
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Our wombs and what comes out of our wombs
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as women can be viewed as property.
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[Therese VO] None more
so than enslaved women
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who were raped by their owners
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and forced to bear their children,
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and then watch them be sold off.
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One of the big reasons that women
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were tried and executed as
witches in this continent
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had to do with the attempts
to control fertility.
06:55.570 --> 06:58.720
Women who worked as curanderas,
06:58.720 --> 07:01.930
women who worked as medicine women,
07:01.930 --> 07:05.390
they would use herbs to control fertility,
07:05.390 --> 07:10.063
different devices, timing, prayer, dance.
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Anything you could to try and, you know,
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take some control of this thing.
07:16.830 --> 07:18.930
[Therese VO] These methods were risky,
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but pregnancy was riskier.
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Giving birth was the number one killer
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of young women into the 1940s.
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In the 1950s, a new
contraceptive was tested on women
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in Puerto Rico, many of them
unaware of its experimental
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nature or dangerous side effects.
07:37.180 --> 07:41.263
The study was deeply tainted
by unethical testing protocols.
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It led to one of the biggest
medical breakthroughs
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of the 20th Century.
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♪ Mini skirts ♪
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♪ Hot pants ♪
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♪ And a few little fancy frills ♪
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♪ Yeah I'm making up for all those years ♪
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♪ Since I've got the pill ♪
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Creating the first generation of women
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with reliable control over
their reproductive choices.
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The pill became legal throughout
the United States in 1972.
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(upbeat music)
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Don't forget to take your pill.
08:17.311 --> 08:19.199
I won't!
I won't!
08:19.199 --> 08:24.199
(audience laughs)
08:24.230 --> 08:26.420
[Therese VO] Women could
live full sexual lives
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that didn't have to lead to motherhood
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and people were talking about it...
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and organizing around it.
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In 1971, Ellen Peck wrote
the groundbreaking book,
08:39.100 --> 08:41.160
The Baby Trap.
08:41.160 --> 08:44.149
The success of the book
led her and Shirley Radl
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to found the National
Organization for Non-Parents,
08:47.720 --> 08:50.453
in part to increase
awareness of overpopulation.
08:52.350 --> 08:53.300
[Mike Wallace offscreen]
The high priestess
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of the childfree movement is Ellen Peck,
08:56.096 --> 08:59.390
who put it all together in
her book, The Baby Trap.
08:59.390 --> 09:03.110
I see this as a movement that
is threatening to no one.
09:03.110 --> 09:05.250
There is no one who would not benefit
09:05.250 --> 09:08.190
from a greater trend toward
childfree lifestyles.
09:09.590 --> 09:11.860
[Offscreen] Ellen Peck was known.
09:11.860 --> 09:14.700
There were people all
over the United States
09:14.700 --> 09:17.853
that hungered to hear what she had to say.
09:18.810 --> 09:21.100
[Therese VO] Marcia Drut Davis
was there for the creation
09:21.100 --> 09:22.653
of the childfree movement.
09:23.850 --> 09:27.500
I was going to therapy to
try to find the maternal
09:27.500 --> 09:30.200
instinct that had not come out yet.
09:30.200 --> 09:32.120
I thought there was something wrong.
09:32.120 --> 09:34.932
Something genetically was wrong in me
09:34.932 --> 09:39.090
because I was denying
a biological destiny.
09:39.090 --> 09:42.240
Ellen Peck's book was the
first book I ever read,
09:42.240 --> 09:45.690
and the only book that I
ever could find at that time
09:45.690 --> 09:50.360
that talked about the right of
choosing not to have children
09:50.360 --> 09:52.943
and that it was a perfectly fine choice.
09:54.280 --> 09:55.970
I devoured it.
09:55.970 --> 09:57.270
[Mike Wallace] It's not a mere fad.
09:57.270 --> 10:00.570
It apparently answers some
deeply felt conviction.
10:00.570 --> 10:02.630
They're against people pollution.
10:02.630 --> 10:05.240
Some of them have even joined
an outfit called N.O.N,
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the National Organization of Non-Parents
10:07.490 --> 10:08.470
to spread the gospel.
10:08.470 --> 10:11.470
I was at the National
Organization for Non-Parents'
10:11.470 --> 10:12.910
first convention.
10:12.910 --> 10:15.200
Somebody came up to me
and whispered in my ear,
10:15.200 --> 10:19.180
I hear you're going to tell
your in-laws for the first time
10:19.180 --> 10:22.090
that you don't want to have children.
10:22.090 --> 10:25.070
And foolishly, I said, well, yeah.
10:25.070 --> 10:28.910
And she said, can 60 Minutes come?
10:28.910 --> 10:31.333
And can we listen to this conversation?
10:32.190 --> 10:34.598
And foolishly, I said...
10:34.598 --> 10:35.598
Yeah.
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When are you gonna have a baby?
10:38.100 --> 10:40.470
That without doubt is the
question young married
10:40.470 --> 10:41.780
couples hear most.
10:41.780 --> 10:44.427
After all, isn't that what the
American dream is all about?
10:44.427 --> 10:48.050
Before we were filmed, my
mother-in-law took me aside
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and said, what is it?
10:50.700 --> 10:55.400
What are you...are you a stripper?
10:55.400 --> 10:56.280
I said, no.
10:56.280 --> 10:59.620
She said, well, well wait,
are you an alcoholic?
10:59.620 --> 11:00.771
No.
11:00.771 --> 11:01.970
Are you a drug addict?
11:01.970 --> 11:02.803
No.
11:02.803 --> 11:04.410
Group sex?
11:04.410 --> 11:05.660
No, Mom!
11:05.660 --> 11:08.430
Well what could be so
awful that they're filming?
11:08.430 --> 11:10.093
Why is this a big deal?
11:10.093 --> 11:11.240
Why, what's going on?
11:11.240 --> 11:12.320
What are you going to tell us?
11:12.320 --> 11:14.720
I said, sit down.
11:14.720 --> 11:16.330
I don't think you're going to like it.
11:16.330 --> 11:17.990
[Mike Wallace] Marcia And Warren Rothstein
11:17.990 --> 11:21.110
wanted to explain their
decision not to have children
11:21.110 --> 11:22.800
to his parents.
11:22.800 --> 11:25.230
60 Minutes went along
as they broke the news.
11:25.230 --> 11:28.130
I love children, but for
years and years and years,
11:28.130 --> 11:30.035
this was something inside of me that said,
11:30.035 --> 11:33.910
I don't really think
I want to be a mother.
11:33.910 --> 11:34.870
And it bothered me.
11:34.870 --> 11:36.350
I thought, my God, Marcia,
11:36.350 --> 11:38.310
there's something wrong with you.
11:38.310 --> 11:39.660
You're not, you're not normal.
11:39.660 --> 11:42.610
But a lot of what was said was edited
11:42.610 --> 11:46.690
because 60 Minutes had a point of view.
11:46.690 --> 11:50.470
And my point of view did
not mesh with 60 Minutes.
11:50.470 --> 11:53.880
It's against all natural instincts,
11:53.880 --> 11:58.038
when two people get married,
for them not to have children.
11:58.038 --> 11:59.190
But if we don't reach that point,
11:59.190 --> 12:00.960
does that mean there's
something the matter with us
12:00.960 --> 12:02.360
or that Warren and I
don't love each other?
12:02.360 --> 12:03.610
Well, like Dad said,
12:03.610 --> 12:06.070
it may be that you have
a selfish attitude.
12:06.070 --> 12:09.087
We can live together and
we can be happy together,
12:09.087 --> 12:13.270
and we don't have to depend
on having love or whatever
12:13.270 --> 12:15.100
from a child to make our life happy.
12:15.100 --> 12:17.260
No.
Well, aren't you considering
12:17.260 --> 12:18.923
anything about your future?
12:20.270 --> 12:23.260
The last thing that Mike Wallace said...
12:23.260 --> 12:25.810
We trust you'll pardon our
perverseness in broadcasting
12:25.810 --> 12:28.103
"Three's A Crowd" on Mother's Day.
12:29.650 --> 12:32.930
The next day I was fired as a teacher,
12:32.930 --> 12:34.130
because I was perverse.
12:34.130 --> 12:36.130
And of course I probably hated children.
12:37.830 --> 12:39.870
I started to get death threats.
12:39.870 --> 12:41.980
My dog's life was threatened.
12:41.980 --> 12:44.788
It was shocking.
12:44.788 --> 12:48.522
(clock ticking)
12:49.640 --> 12:51.940
[Therese VO] The National
Organization for Non-Parents
12:51.940 --> 12:53.573
closed up shop in the 80s,
12:54.630 --> 12:58.043
a casualty of family-values conservatism.
12:59.094 --> 13:02.860
(apprehensive music)
13:06.600 --> 13:09.240
[Therese VO] But the childfree
conversation continued,
13:09.240 --> 13:11.910
including the first book
about not wanting children
13:11.910 --> 13:16.400
that I ever read, Molly
Peacock's 1998 memoir,
13:16.400 --> 13:18.516
"Paradise, Piece by Piece."
13:19.580 --> 13:21.501
Now "Paradise, Piece by Piece"
13:21.501 --> 13:23.767
is being released as an ebook.
13:23.767 --> 13:25.750
And I thought what's happening now
13:25.750 --> 13:28.440
that there's this kind of response?
13:28.440 --> 13:32.300
And it made me think about my generation
13:32.300 --> 13:36.350
and another generation
of women and men now,
13:36.350 --> 13:38.750
who are making this decision.
13:38.750 --> 13:43.750
I was among the first people, I suppose,
13:43.970 --> 13:48.495
who really were free to make this choice.
13:50.440 --> 13:55.380
I went to university
between 1965 and 1969.
13:55.380 --> 13:57.890
I was on the birth control pill.
13:57.890 --> 14:02.330
When I track my decision and
my urge to write about it,
14:02.330 --> 14:06.410
because it felt so isolated.
14:06.410 --> 14:10.350
And yet I knew that there were, of course,
14:10.350 --> 14:13.403
other people making this decision.
14:13.403 --> 14:17.773
When my book came out, there
was all of this activity.
14:21.160 --> 14:24.630
And I've never stopped receiving mail.
14:24.630 --> 14:29.260
A little drumbeat of people
who've passed this book
14:29.260 --> 14:32.930
from person to person,
who find it in libraries,
14:32.930 --> 14:34.953
who buy it used.
14:37.120 --> 14:39.313
People connect to it.
14:45.750 --> 14:47.690
[Therese VO] Molly and
her husband were featured
14:47.690 --> 14:51.720
in a 2009 Macleans cover story entitled,
14:51.720 --> 14:54.023
"The Case Against Having Kids"
14:56.700 --> 14:59.660
Behind the sensationalized
cover was a profile
14:59.660 --> 15:01.400
of the growing group of people
15:01.400 --> 15:03.223
who didn't want to be parents.
15:06.440 --> 15:09.203
That story was written by Anne Kingston.
15:11.330 --> 15:12.420
I've written a lot of stories
15:12.420 --> 15:13.870
that have pissed readers off.
15:15.946 --> 15:19.270
(uneasy music)
15:19.270 --> 15:23.240
But I've never seen such a
volcanic kind of response.
15:23.240 --> 15:28.023
"Disgusted" was the
subject line of one email.
15:30.347 --> 15:32.857
"It made me nauseous to read the article."
15:32.857 --> 15:35.007
"I now feel genuinely
sorry for those who focus
15:35.007 --> 15:37.327
on their selfish existence
and end up lonely
15:37.327 --> 15:39.340
and bored and childless."
15:39.340 --> 15:40.870
People took it really personally.
15:40.870 --> 15:42.810
They didn't see it as a cultural subject,
15:42.810 --> 15:44.690
which is what it actually is,
15:44.690 --> 15:48.253
but rather a kind of indictment
for the choices they make.
15:50.640 --> 15:51.520
It became very personal.
15:51.520 --> 15:53.050
People said don't send your kids
15:53.050 --> 15:55.970
to Anne Kingston's house for Halloween.
15:55.970 --> 15:58.800
I guess they were assuming
that I didn't like kids myself
15:58.800 --> 16:00.160
and I would be serving, you know,
16:00.160 --> 16:01.993
poisoned apples, et cetera.
16:03.680 --> 16:05.070
[Therese offscreen] Did
you say in the story
16:05.070 --> 16:06.352
that you didn't have kids?
16:06.352 --> 16:07.817
[Anne Offscreen] No, I
didn't discuss my own
16:07.817 --> 16:10.480
experience at all. It was
really about, you know,
16:10.480 --> 16:13.430
discussing it more broadly
and discussing all the reasons
16:13.430 --> 16:14.570
people were coming forward to say
16:14.570 --> 16:15.680
they didn't want to have children.
16:15.680 --> 16:19.020
We haven't quite figured out
a language to discuss this,
16:19.020 --> 16:22.980
or kind of a civil way of
conducting a conversation
16:22.980 --> 16:25.133
that wasn't pitted in accusations
16:25.133 --> 16:28.710
or blame or, often, sympathy.
16:28.710 --> 16:31.362
The Pope has a very
strong message for you.
16:31.362 --> 16:34.000
Pets are no substitute for children.
16:34.000 --> 16:35.990
Having children means
less time for vacations
16:35.990 --> 16:37.130
and spin class.
16:37.130 --> 16:39.950
It's gonna break down the
entire social contract.
16:39.950 --> 16:42.920
I mean, have you ever seen
anything more selfish,
16:42.920 --> 16:44.620
decadent and stupid?
16:44.620 --> 16:45.860
What's wrong with being selfish?
16:45.860 --> 16:47.290
Why is that a problem for you?
16:47.290 --> 16:52.290
What is selfish about a
conscious considered choice?
16:52.420 --> 16:54.690
A lot of thought goes
into not having kids,
16:54.690 --> 16:58.310
in fact, often more thought
than actually having children,
16:58.310 --> 16:59.620
which is one of the paradoxes
16:59.620 --> 17:01.363
that surrounds this conversation.
17:02.199 --> 17:04.190
(jazzy music)
17:05.260 --> 17:06.880
We have a discussion in
this house all the time
17:06.880 --> 17:09.400
about whether or not we want more cats.
17:09.400 --> 17:10.410
And my housemate was like,
17:10.410 --> 17:13.380
'what do you think is a lot
of cats?' And I was like, 20?
17:13.380 --> 17:16.470
And she was like, I think
five, five is a lot of cats.
17:16.470 --> 17:18.803
And she's right, 20 is like too many cats.
17:21.115 --> 17:22.899
(door closes)
17:23.770 --> 17:25.640
A lot of people live here,
most of us are artists.
17:25.640 --> 17:28.373
There's a welding studio
in the back garage.
17:30.130 --> 17:31.410
People often say to me like, oh,
17:31.410 --> 17:34.220
do you live with eight people on purpose?
17:34.220 --> 17:35.420
Which I think is an interesting question,
17:35.420 --> 17:37.830
because it's like this idea that like,
17:37.830 --> 17:39.700
by the time you're X age,
17:39.700 --> 17:44.700
you would not be living
with friends or roommates.
17:45.330 --> 17:47.010
You would live with your partner
17:47.010 --> 17:49.272
and you would have a house and a baby.
17:49.272 --> 17:51.020
And so like this couldn't be something
17:51.020 --> 17:52.620
that people would do on purpose.
17:54.142 --> 17:56.964
This is by design, this life.
17:56.964 --> 17:58.530
I'm not missing anything.
17:58.530 --> 18:00.523
I didn't forget to have kids.
18:01.542 --> 18:02.990
I'm not looking for the right person.
18:02.990 --> 18:04.253
I'm just not interested.
18:06.792 --> 18:09.375
(jazzy music)
18:10.640 --> 18:13.150
[Therese VO] I've never
been interested either.
18:13.150 --> 18:15.970
It disappoints people that
I don't have a dramatic
18:15.970 --> 18:18.530
reason for not wanting kids.
18:18.530 --> 18:20.700
But actually, it's quite simple.
18:20.700 --> 18:24.010
Of the many things I've
wanted to do with my life,
18:24.010 --> 18:26.373
having children was never on the list.
18:27.290 --> 18:29.713
By my forties, people stopped asking.
18:32.580 --> 18:34.630
Then I met my husband, Ed,
18:34.630 --> 18:38.560
and he totally supported my
decision not to become a mother.
18:38.560 --> 18:40.532
But as soon as we got married,
18:40.532 --> 18:43.298
the questions started right up again.
18:43.298 --> 18:45.913
When are you gonna have a baby?
18:46.774 --> 18:48.416
(baby crying)
18:53.058 --> 18:54.807
(sizzling)
18:54.807 --> 18:56.148
When I was a queer single woman,
18:56.148 --> 18:58.280
I don't think I was ever asked even once
18:58.280 --> 19:00.213
if I was planning on having kids
19:00.213 --> 19:01.970
or when I was wanting to have kids.
19:01.970 --> 19:03.950
And same when Leo and I started dating,
19:03.950 --> 19:08.070
we were perceived as a lesbian
couple or two women together,
19:08.070 --> 19:09.743
we weren't asked those questions.
19:11.790 --> 19:15.330
Once Leo transitioned and was
presenting more masculine,
19:15.330 --> 19:18.100
everyone, including folks
from the queer community,
19:18.100 --> 19:20.250
his family, and even random strangers
19:20.250 --> 19:22.570
started asking us when
we were having kids,
19:22.570 --> 19:24.280
telling us we'd be really great parents
19:24.280 --> 19:27.230
and really pushing us
towards starting a family
19:27.230 --> 19:28.810
of human children.
19:28.810 --> 19:30.080
[Leo] You're getting older,
19:30.080 --> 19:31.540
now you look like a straight couple.
19:31.540 --> 19:33.160
So of course the next thing on your list
19:33.160 --> 19:34.253
is to have children.
19:35.160 --> 19:36.500
I think it's broken.
Okay,
19:36.500 --> 19:38.010
do you want me to see if I can fix it?
19:38.010 --> 19:40.000
I think there's an
assumption when people choose
19:40.000 --> 19:42.190
to be childfree that
they don't like children.
19:42.190 --> 19:43.460
And that is not the case.
19:43.460 --> 19:44.570
I really enjoy kids.
19:44.570 --> 19:46.780
I'm silly, I treat them like adults,
19:46.780 --> 19:49.210
I love dressing up, I wear cat earrings
19:49.210 --> 19:51.460
and Ms. Frizzle style dresses.
19:51.460 --> 19:53.440
I do really well with kids.
19:53.440 --> 19:55.810
I also really like giving them back.
19:55.810 --> 19:58.996
Getting the-
I do this at home.
19:58.996 --> 20:00.430
You do that at home?
20:00.430 --> 20:02.633
Anytime someone asks me
if I'm going to have kids,
20:02.633 --> 20:04.520
it's always kind of shocking for me,
20:04.520 --> 20:07.600
because it was never really
a concept I thought about.
20:07.600 --> 20:09.650
The fact that I never wanted kids
20:09.650 --> 20:11.570
when I was presenting as a woman,
20:11.570 --> 20:13.610
the fact that I would
suddenly change my mind now
20:13.610 --> 20:16.180
that I'm presenting as a man blows my mind
20:16.180 --> 20:17.890
that people would think
that that's something
20:17.890 --> 20:19.363
I would ever want or need.
20:20.210 --> 20:22.999
So even in communities
like the queer community,
20:22.999 --> 20:27.440
that often break norms
and challenge assumptions,
20:27.440 --> 20:30.300
and stereotypes of how
life should be lived,
20:30.300 --> 20:33.170
everyone is still under the pressure
20:33.170 --> 20:35.790
of what a traditional
life should look like,
20:35.790 --> 20:38.330
and what societal
expectations are for them.
20:39.554 --> 20:40.870
(sizzling)
20:42.560 --> 20:43.703
Bam!
20:47.630 --> 20:49.850
Being the oldest women's
college in the nation,
20:49.850 --> 20:52.310
people assume, I've had people tell me,
20:52.310 --> 20:54.850
all of your girls want to have babies.
20:54.850 --> 20:56.830
I had a student who said, Dr. Dennis,
20:56.830 --> 20:58.343
all women want children.
20:59.742 --> 21:00.575
No.
21:00.575 --> 21:02.050
And that motivated me even more to create
21:02.050 --> 21:04.563
the course about childfree.
21:04.563 --> 21:07.230
(birds singing)
21:08.483 --> 21:11.090
(bright music)
21:11.090 --> 21:13.850
Raise your hand if you
want to have biological
21:13.850 --> 21:15.393
or adoptive children one day.
21:17.840 --> 21:19.340
Raise your hand if you do not.
21:21.520 --> 21:25.420
It's very common in sociology
courses in this country
21:25.420 --> 21:27.165
and around the world to have a course
21:27.165 --> 21:29.620
about women and reproduction.
21:29.620 --> 21:32.120
But those courses rarely, if ever,
21:32.120 --> 21:33.950
mention not reproducing.
21:33.950 --> 21:37.513
So my entire course is
about not reproducing.
21:39.460 --> 21:41.407
I was 10 when I started
raising my sister's kids.
21:41.407 --> 21:45.059
And even then it's like, oh,
you must want your own kids.
21:45.059 --> 21:46.242
It's like, no, I already
raised three kids,
21:46.242 --> 21:48.163
I don't want to raise my own, like.
21:48.163 --> 21:50.210
I didn't want to raise those three.
21:50.210 --> 21:52.734
What makes you think I want to raise-
21:52.734 --> 21:53.950
[Dr. Dennis] Right, so
now you know how it is.
21:53.950 --> 21:56.418
You know, you have a dream of, okay,
21:56.418 --> 21:58.084
OK I want the white picket fence.
21:58.084 --> 22:00.170
[Dr. Dennis] Some people
did that, I didn't.
22:00.170 --> 22:02.334
Not all of us, but some people.
22:02.334 --> 22:04.400
So I wanted the two kids, but that was it.
22:04.400 --> 22:08.550
My daughters, I tell them
constantly: do not have kids.
22:08.550 --> 22:10.760
[Dr. Dennis] Here's what I recommend.
22:10.760 --> 22:13.130
Since I talk about reproductive justice,
22:13.130 --> 22:15.040
instead of telling them don't have kids,
22:15.040 --> 22:16.437
tell them that there are choices
22:16.437 --> 22:18.244
and they should be wise choices.
22:18.244 --> 22:19.269
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:19.269 --> 22:21.430
Sometimes being childfree
also ties into that like
22:21.430 --> 22:25.500
socioeconomic problems and
that vicious cycle of poverty,
22:25.500 --> 22:27.510
especially that we see
in minority communities.
22:27.510 --> 22:28.343
Yep.
My friends and I,
22:28.343 --> 22:29.670
we do have conversations about kids.
22:29.670 --> 22:31.592
Our conversations are
always...we want to make
22:31.592 --> 22:34.810
sure that whether or not
we do want to have kids,
22:34.810 --> 22:37.580
when we come to that decision,
we are financially stable.
22:37.580 --> 22:40.303
We've seen like our own families struggle.
22:40.303 --> 22:42.113
(birds singing)
22:42.996 --> 22:45.030
(gentle music)
22:45.030 --> 22:48.128
Years ago when I decided that
I'm never having children,
22:48.128 --> 22:52.430
I started researching the
topic because unfortunately,
22:52.430 --> 22:55.266
although I have an aunt
who never had children,
22:55.266 --> 22:58.818
it's never been an open
discussion in my environment.
22:58.818 --> 23:01.140
Almost everything you read is about
23:01.990 --> 23:04.493
African diaspora women being mothers.
23:05.480 --> 23:09.260
Cultures around the world
perpetuate this idea
23:09.260 --> 23:11.830
that there's only one way to be a woman,
23:11.830 --> 23:13.525
and it's through having children.
23:13.525 --> 23:16.240
Most societies are pronatalist.
23:16.240 --> 23:19.370
So...who knows what pronatalist means?
23:19.370 --> 23:21.700
(marker writing on whiteboard)
23:21.700 --> 23:23.150
Who knows what pronatalism is?
23:23.150 --> 23:25.025
What is natalism?
23:26.478 --> 23:27.689
[Therese VO] Pronatalism.
23:27.689 --> 23:28.670
What does it mean?
23:28.670 --> 23:30.570
And why should we care?
23:30.570 --> 23:34.020
It comes from the Latin for and birth,
23:34.020 --> 23:36.445
which sounds innocent enough, right?
23:38.810 --> 23:39.920
[Male Reporter] Los Angeles County's
23:39.920 --> 23:44.180
annual Ladera Park baby show
gets rolling as 1000 tiny tots
23:44.180 --> 23:48.040
show up in carriages, prams,
buggies, and push carts.
23:48.040 --> 23:52.670
Pronatalism refers to encouraging,
23:52.670 --> 23:56.993
requiring, even forcing
people to reproduce.
23:58.590 --> 24:03.565
(jazzy music)
(mechanical sounds)
24:08.340 --> 24:11.832
Elaine, you gotta have a baby.
24:11.832 --> 24:12.665
(audience laughs)
24:12.665 --> 24:14.632
Oh, hey, you know,
24:14.632 --> 24:17.690
I had a piece of whitefish
over at Barney Greengrass
24:17.690 --> 24:18.660
the other day-
Elaine.
24:18.660 --> 24:20.650
And I-
Move to Long Island
24:20.650 --> 24:22.153
and have a baby already.
24:24.650 --> 24:26.840
[Therese VO] Pronatalism
has inspired multiple
24:26.840 --> 24:30.383
talking points to convince
us to become parents.
24:36.005 --> 24:39.505
(unsettling music)
24:47.535 --> 24:50.668
(traffic sounds)
24:53.560 --> 24:57.593
(unsettling music)
25:02.127 --> 25:06.960
(slide show clicks)
25:10.947 --> 25:14.516
Oh my God, I'm so happy!
25:14.516 --> 25:15.790
Pregnant!
25:15.790 --> 25:17.510
[Therese VO] How many pregnancy test ads
25:17.510 --> 25:21.570
have you seen where a woman
was happy NOT to be pregnant?
25:21.570 --> 25:24.350
There are many people who
very much want to be pregnant
25:24.350 --> 25:27.300
and I'm super psyched for them
when they get that positive.
25:29.290 --> 25:33.130
But I think that most people
who are taking a pregnancy test
25:33.130 --> 25:36.373
are filled with relief when
they see that negative.
25:37.300 --> 25:39.310
And we don't see that.
25:39.310 --> 25:43.692
We don't see that in fact,
most people are like.
25:43.692 --> 25:46.076
(long exhale)
25:47.721 --> 25:51.612
(running feet)
(heavy breathing)
25:51.612 --> 25:53.437
[Offscreen] We are being told that we live
25:53.437 --> 25:55.940
in a post feminist era.
25:55.940 --> 25:57.215
(woman cheering)
25:57.215 --> 26:00.200
We got what we want, equal rights,
26:00.200 --> 26:01.903
everything is open.
26:02.780 --> 26:06.563
But, I think that's not correct,
26:06.563 --> 26:08.687
the correct situation.
26:08.687 --> 26:10.537
And I think we are being applauded
26:10.537 --> 26:12.678
only when we decide
26:12.678 --> 26:17.132
what society wants us to decide.
26:17.132 --> 26:20.457
(slide show clicks)
26:20.457 --> 26:22.350
[Therese VO] Mother's
Day has become a global
26:22.350 --> 26:24.363
celebration of pronatalism.
26:25.684 --> 26:28.584
But there is one mother who
doesn't want to be celebrated.
26:29.740 --> 26:31.098
Mine.
26:31.098 --> 26:33.790
(Piano music: Valse Opus 69
No. 1, by Frederic Chopin)
26:33.790 --> 26:38.790
You know, my (laughs) my
pet peeve, Mother's Day?
26:38.820 --> 26:41.440
We don't celebrate Mother's Day
26:41.440 --> 26:44.860
because I think we should
celebrate all women.
26:44.860 --> 26:47.560
Also, I think Mother's Day
is incredibly difficult
26:47.560 --> 26:50.250
on women who had children and lost them,
26:50.250 --> 26:53.600
and must be a horrible holiday.
26:53.600 --> 26:57.002
And women who didn't have
children are left out.
26:57.002 --> 26:58.168
They have no value
26:58.168 --> 26:59.010
so we don't celebrate them
26:59.010 --> 27:00.070
on Mother's Day.
27:00.070 --> 27:03.710
We don't bring flowers
or chocolates to a woman
27:03.710 --> 27:06.700
who had no children,
because she's not a mother.
27:06.700 --> 27:10.460
So this was before you became
a feminist and all that.
27:10.460 --> 27:14.389
This was always my feeling
that Mother's Day is bad.
27:14.389 --> 27:17.050
(Piano music: Valse Opus 69
No. 1, by Frederic Chopin)
27:17.050 --> 27:20.790
[Therese] When I was in my
thirties, I was an outlier.
27:20.790 --> 27:23.560
Almost all my friends had become parents.
27:23.560 --> 27:26.360
And despite everything I'd accomplished,
27:26.360 --> 27:28.840
I felt like I'd fallen behind.
27:30.330 --> 27:32.235
Women's like whole identity, right,
27:32.235 --> 27:34.960
is supposed to be built on self-sacrifice
27:34.960 --> 27:36.070
and taking care of other people.
27:36.070 --> 27:38.830
And if you thwart that, you're
just, like, a garbage can.
27:38.830 --> 27:41.040
It's very much linked to this idea
27:41.040 --> 27:42.870
that there's only one way to be a woman,
27:42.870 --> 27:46.380
and to prove yourself as
an adult and as a woman,
27:46.380 --> 27:47.520
you have to have children.
27:47.520 --> 27:49.668
(sarcastically) Why do you
not want to have children?
27:49.668 --> 27:50.900
I mean, you have a uterus,
that's what it's for!
27:50.900 --> 27:52.210
It can't just be that
you're just gonna like
27:52.210 --> 27:53.610
watch Netflix forever.
27:53.610 --> 27:54.740
Which like, why is that...
27:54.740 --> 27:55.738
I don't know why that's a problem.
27:55.738 --> 27:58.360
Motherhood is really set on a pedestal.
27:58.360 --> 28:01.064
It is kind of your highest attainment.
28:01.064 --> 28:03.900
You could list any number of honors
28:03.900 --> 28:07.110
and degrees and somebody will still think
28:07.110 --> 28:08.890
that you're not fully accomplished
28:08.890 --> 28:10.240
if you haven't had a child.
28:11.190 --> 28:12.962
[Therese VO] Blair Koenig is the creator
28:12.962 --> 28:16.600
of the blog and the book
"Shut the Fuck Up, Parents."
28:16.600 --> 28:19.744
The idea behind the blog is
that it's showcasing parents
28:19.744 --> 28:20.978
who are oversharing about
their children on social media.
28:20.978 --> 28:25.978
(bright music)
(notifications pinging)
28:32.089 --> 28:33.600
[Therese VO] One of the most
popular topics on the site
28:33.600 --> 28:36.427
is a phenomenon called "Mommyjacking."
28:37.810 --> 28:41.240
Mommyjacking is when you
hijack a friend's status update
28:41.240 --> 28:44.537
to discuss something related
to parenting or your kids.
28:44.537 --> 28:46.885
[Therese VO] It works like this:
28:46.885 --> 28:49.377
♪ graduation music ♪
Someone writes "It's official.
28:49.377 --> 28:52.017
At age 21, I'm one of the youngest people
28:52.017 --> 28:54.487
to ever get a doctorate in neuroscience
28:54.487 --> 28:56.257
from Stanford University.
28:56.257 --> 28:58.227
Thank you for believing in me
28:58.227 --> 29:00.376
when I didn't believe in myself."
29:00.376 --> 29:01.251
[record scratch]
29:01.251 --> 29:02.442
Someone comments below,
29:02.442 --> 29:04.132
"You haven't learnt anything yet.
29:04.132 --> 29:06.401
Become a parent, and you'll see."
29:06.401 --> 29:09.049
(wheels squeaking)
29:09.049 --> 29:12.000
If a friend says, I'm
exhausted, I've had a long week,
29:12.000 --> 29:15.906
someone in the comments might
say, try having two kids.
29:15.906 --> 29:18.214
[steps and kicking Sound]
29:19.150 --> 29:20.650
I just think it's absurd.
29:20.650 --> 29:24.040
It's dated, it's a very dated
way of speaking to somebody.
29:24.040 --> 29:25.470
It's a dated way to think.
29:25.470 --> 29:27.030
Part of the reason I think it's popular
29:27.030 --> 29:30.736
is because so many people experience it.
29:30.736 --> 29:32.332
(bright music)
29:32.332 --> 29:33.790
[Therese VO] Not one of Jennifer Aniston's
29:33.790 --> 29:37.450
professional accomplishments
has garnered more attention
29:37.450 --> 29:39.540
than not having a baby.
29:39.540 --> 29:40.850
Jen is pregnant.
29:40.850 --> 29:42.540
Jen's baby heartbreak.
29:42.540 --> 29:44.330
Jen and Brad are getting married.
29:44.330 --> 29:46.470
Jen's having twins.
29:46.470 --> 29:49.987
You could say her entire
career has been...
29:49.987 --> 29:51.880
"Mommyjacked"
29:51.880 --> 29:54.920
So Jennifer Aniston is the
mother of all non-mothers.
29:54.920 --> 29:57.792
She's the symbol within celebrity culture
29:57.792 --> 30:00.730
obsessed with the baby
bump, with procreation.
30:00.730 --> 30:03.490
Another wonderful photograph,
30:03.490 --> 30:05.789
which I've had to sort of live with
30:05.789 --> 30:08.398
for the last 10, 15 years.
30:08.398 --> 30:11.270
A picture of me with a bump and a circle
30:11.270 --> 30:14.868
around my stomach with
an arrow pointing to it,
30:14.868 --> 30:17.910
in just this sort of disgustingly
objectifying kind of way.
30:17.910 --> 30:19.910
Just because we're
women, we have a uterus,
30:19.910 --> 30:21.700
we have a vagina, we have ovaries,
30:21.700 --> 30:24.223
we need to like get to work, lady.
30:24.223 --> 30:26.590
(slide show clicks)
30:27.709 --> 30:30.292
(bright music)
30:32.856 --> 30:37.750
I think that motherhood has
increased in value yet again.
30:37.750 --> 30:42.750
The almost obsessive attainment
and children as accessories
30:44.140 --> 30:47.450
and children as mark of accomplishment,
30:47.450 --> 30:50.230
it's almost fetishized in our society.
30:50.230 --> 30:52.550
[Offscreen] The most important
job any woman can have,
30:52.550 --> 30:53.510
is being a mother.
30:53.510 --> 30:54.650
I'm Ivanka Trump,
30:54.650 --> 30:57.530
a mother, a wife, and an entrepreneur.
30:57.530 --> 31:00.510
It's a softening thing,
this idea that, you know,
31:00.510 --> 31:04.110
she is a nurturing figure.
31:04.110 --> 31:06.040
(jazzy music)
31:06.040 --> 31:08.290
[Therese VO] These media
messages are not new.
31:10.530 --> 31:15.150
In 1964, Dorothy Crowfoot
Hodgkin won the Nobel Prize
31:15.150 --> 31:16.980
for being a wife.
31:16.980 --> 31:18.255
I mean...
31:18.255 --> 31:19.422
for Chemistry.
31:22.698 --> 31:27.460
And in 2013, the obituary
for actual rocket scientist,
31:27.460 --> 31:32.460
Yvonne Brill, talked about her
beef stroganoff, her husband,
31:32.480 --> 31:36.017
and how she was quote,
"The world's best mom."
31:37.260 --> 31:41.150
Her scientific brilliance
is in paragraph three.
31:41.150 --> 31:44.573
After an outcry, the New
York Times rewrote the lead.
31:47.440 --> 31:48.650
There's no sure thing.
31:48.650 --> 31:50.120
Like you can get married and have kids
31:50.120 --> 31:51.570
and still have a garbage life.
31:51.570 --> 31:52.993
And you can just be like me,
31:52.993 --> 31:55.040
like twerking around Brooklyn
31:55.040 --> 31:57.023
and be like having a pretty okay life.
31:57.859 --> 31:59.560
♪ Got them thunder thighs ♪
31:59.560 --> 32:03.278
♪ Boom clack they smack when I stride ♪
32:03.278 --> 32:04.757
♪ Thunder thighs ♪
32:04.757 --> 32:05.920
♪ Thunder thunder thighs ♪
32:05.920 --> 32:06.790
I am childfree right now.
32:06.790 --> 32:09.280
I plan to be childfree in the future.
32:09.280 --> 32:11.590
I view my art as my children,
32:11.590 --> 32:13.320
and I'm very selfish with my time.
32:13.320 --> 32:17.140
And I know having a child is
such a big responsibility.
32:17.140 --> 32:20.430
So I definitely know I
wouldn't just be able to work
32:20.430 --> 32:22.427
around the clock like I do now.
32:22.427 --> 32:26.040
[Therese VO] Shanthony Exum,
who performs as Miss Eaves,
32:26.040 --> 32:28.200
is a viral rapper and video artist,
32:28.200 --> 32:29.510
a graphic designer,
32:29.510 --> 32:31.790
a body-positive street photographer,
32:31.790 --> 32:34.290
and an enthusiastic crafter.
32:34.290 --> 32:35.490
I'm from the South.
32:35.490 --> 32:39.260
And so like the expectation
is for like women,
32:39.260 --> 32:41.520
once you're over 25, you're
just like over the hill,
32:41.520 --> 32:44.650
if you're not married and
like working on your family.
32:44.650 --> 32:45.760
(sarcastically) This is the next step.
32:45.760 --> 32:49.370
Well, I've been dating
Charles for three years now,
32:49.370 --> 32:51.830
so where's the ring? And the baby!
32:51.830 --> 32:53.663
I don't want to just feel like bullied
32:53.663 --> 32:54.831
by society to have them.
32:54.831 --> 32:56.431
(traffic noise)
32:56.431 --> 32:59.620
That is why I like ran to New
York as quickly as I could
32:59.620 --> 33:03.150
where I'm around so many other like-minded
33:03.150 --> 33:04.453
childfree people.
33:05.847 --> 33:08.322
(musical introduction)
33:10.440 --> 33:12.687
[Therese] Shanthony's video,
Paper Maché (Single AF),
33:13.790 --> 33:15.640
celebrates being single.
33:15.640 --> 33:17.273
[Shanthony offscreen] A
lot of my songs are about
33:17.273 --> 33:18.760
existing in the world as a woman
33:18.760 --> 33:21.750
and how to navigate that
in a way that's healthy,
33:21.750 --> 33:23.830
and like you're nourishing yourself.
33:23.830 --> 33:25.760
I think if your art can help
33:25.760 --> 33:27.130
to make other people's lives better,
33:27.130 --> 33:29.770
to make other people not feel so alone,
33:29.770 --> 33:31.446
then you're doing a really good job.
33:31.446 --> 33:34.392
♪ I'm alone, I love myself ♪
33:34.392 --> 33:36.696
♪ So alone is fun as hell ♪
33:36.696 --> 33:38.936
♪ I'm alone, I love myself ♪
33:38.936 --> 33:40.825
♪ So alone is fun as hell ♪
33:40.825 --> 33:42.059
♪ I don't care ♪
33:42.059 --> 33:43.233
♪ "It's hard out there" ♪
33:43.233 --> 33:45.220
♪ Everyone is telling me
they're scared I'm weird ♪
33:45.220 --> 33:46.511
♪ I don't care ♪
33:46.511 --> 33:48.036
♪ "You're getting older" ♪
33:48.036 --> 33:49.924
♪ Everyone is telling
me they want me paired ♪
33:49.924 --> 33:50.957
(record scratch)
33:50.957 --> 33:54.821
Remember, your biological
clock is ticking.
33:54.821 --> 33:55.930
(quiet bell of alarm clock)
33:55.930 --> 34:00.013
And I was in complete denial
about my biological clock.
34:00.013 --> 34:00.846
(clock ticking)
34:00.846 --> 34:01.993
And then I got cancer.
34:03.550 --> 34:05.040
I gotta have a baby.
34:05.040 --> 34:07.930
I gotta have a baby, I gotta have a baby!
34:07.930 --> 34:10.350
[Therese VO] Do you
have a biological clock?
34:10.350 --> 34:11.783
Not ticking within me.
34:12.920 --> 34:14.910
So the answer would have to be no.
34:14.910 --> 34:16.880
No, there's no ticking of any sort.
34:16.880 --> 34:18.323
It's very quiet.
34:18.323 --> 34:19.540
(laughs)
34:19.540 --> 34:22.034
That idea that it will start to tick,
34:22.034 --> 34:23.510
(clocks ticking)
34:23.510 --> 34:26.180
there's sort of this anticipation
34:27.330 --> 34:30.087
that I'm not totally convinced is...
34:32.534 --> 34:34.100
healthy.
34:34.100 --> 34:35.950
[Therese VO] We all have biological clocks
34:35.950 --> 34:39.230
that regulate the daily
rhythm of our bodies.
34:39.230 --> 34:41.200
But that's not exactly the clock
34:41.200 --> 34:43.202
that the media is so obsessed with.
34:43.202 --> 34:45.440
(clocks ticking)
34:45.440 --> 34:47.790
I don't know where this
phenomenon comes from,
34:47.790 --> 34:50.170
where people think that all of a sudden,
34:50.170 --> 34:51.560
you're gonna wake up one day
34:51.560 --> 34:54.520
and need to have a child
right then and there.
34:54.520 --> 34:57.220
There's no biological
reason for that to happen.
34:57.220 --> 34:59.900
[Therese VO] The biological
clock as a baby alarm
34:59.900 --> 35:02.680
was first coined, not by a scientist,
35:02.680 --> 35:05.827
but by a male journalist
in an article titled,
35:05.827 --> 35:09.150
"The Clock is Ticking
for the Career Woman."
35:09.150 --> 35:12.070
Richard Cohen created a composite woman,
35:12.070 --> 35:15.380
a fictional female, with a nice figure,
35:15.380 --> 35:16.883
who could cry on his shoulder.
35:19.390 --> 35:21.793
Because something was horribly wrong.
35:23.470 --> 35:25.843
She was in the throes of a baby panic,
35:27.300 --> 35:31.037
that lit the fuse on a metaphor
that still persists today.
35:31.037 --> 35:36.037
(clock ticking)
35:36.267 --> 35:41.000
Using the language as a ticking
bomb inside of our body,
35:42.190 --> 35:47.190
this is a social decision.
35:47.460 --> 35:50.360
It's different from saying
something about, okay,
35:50.360 --> 35:53.994
there is a period of time
that we can get pregnant.
35:53.994 --> 35:55.972
(clock ticking)
35:55.972 --> 35:58.037
That pressure that you feel
that you need to become
35:58.037 --> 36:00.550
pregnant soon is based on society.
36:00.550 --> 36:02.470
It's based on what other
people are telling you
36:02.470 --> 36:04.170
and what you're internalizing,
36:04.170 --> 36:05.730
but it's not actually based on anything
36:05.730 --> 36:07.260
that your body is doing.
36:07.260 --> 36:09.590
[Therese VO] Even contraceptive
ads for the very act
36:09.590 --> 36:13.390
of preventing pregnancy
subtly sell women on the idea
36:13.390 --> 36:15.415
that they will become mothers...
36:15.415 --> 36:16.606
someday.
36:16.606 --> 36:17.820
It is over 99% effective.
36:17.820 --> 36:19.240
So there's no worry
about getting pregnant.
36:19.240 --> 36:20.073
Till you want to.
36:20.073 --> 36:22.290
Carrie says, don't you and Brad,
36:22.290 --> 36:24.830
your adorable husband, want kids?
36:24.830 --> 36:27.140
And Shelly says, yeah, someday.
36:27.140 --> 36:29.723
Someday. But for, now I'm on the pill.
36:30.870 --> 36:32.940
Women should feel that
they're missing out,
36:32.940 --> 36:36.770
is this message that
infiltrates the culture
36:36.770 --> 36:38.160
from all sorts of places.
36:38.160 --> 36:40.320
It's not just parents talking to women,
36:40.320 --> 36:42.420
it's magazines talking to women.
36:42.420 --> 36:45.600
It is fertility experts talking to women.
36:45.600 --> 36:47.350
It is, you know, if you're 40 years old
36:47.350 --> 36:48.720
and you're not thinking about IVF
36:48.720 --> 36:50.270
or you haven't frozen your eggs,
36:50.270 --> 36:52.293
you've missed a huge part of life.
36:54.052 --> 36:56.719
(bright music)
36:57.820 --> 37:01.273
I spent 12 years on the
hamster wheel of infertility.
37:02.120 --> 37:03.780
And when I finally made the decision
37:03.780 --> 37:06.580
to get off of that hamster wheel,
37:06.580 --> 37:08.690
I had to step back to think about
37:08.690 --> 37:11.183
why I had been on it in the first place.
37:12.240 --> 37:13.410
Hi!
[Therese VO] I met Michelle
37:13.410 --> 37:15.420
at the NotMom Summit,
37:15.420 --> 37:17.560
a unique three-day event in Cleveland
37:17.560 --> 37:20.020
for women without children.
37:20.020 --> 37:22.570
The childfree who don't want children,
37:22.570 --> 37:24.900
and the childless, who do want them,
37:24.900 --> 37:27.260
but are unable to have them.
37:27.260 --> 37:30.800
Although these two groups
seem like polar opposites,
37:30.800 --> 37:34.503
both get pressured for not
following the motherhood script.
37:36.160 --> 37:38.790
So when I made the
decision to be childfree
37:38.790 --> 37:42.670
and happy about it, I really
stepped back to think about all
37:42.670 --> 37:46.210
of the factors that sort
of pushed me on that.
37:48.443 --> 37:50.730
I very much wanted kids
ever since I was little.
37:50.730 --> 37:52.610
I played with dolls.
37:52.610 --> 37:54.860
I started babysitting at a very young age.
37:54.860 --> 37:58.600
I thought that I would
grow up, go to college,
37:58.600 --> 38:00.230
graduate from college,
38:00.230 --> 38:02.620
be married within two
years and be having babies
38:02.620 --> 38:04.020
within two years after that.
38:05.570 --> 38:10.570
I met the man who would become
my husband when I was 23.
38:10.573 --> 38:12.010
I was college educated,
38:12.010 --> 38:13.870
I was working in my chosen field,
38:13.870 --> 38:16.980
I had checked all the boxes
I was supposed to check
38:16.980 --> 38:21.790
on my, you know, on the life checkbox.
38:21.790 --> 38:23.320
Was moving right along.
38:23.320 --> 38:24.520
And he wanted kids too,
38:24.520 --> 38:27.700
and so we got married and
immediately started trying
38:27.700 --> 38:28.793
to have children.
38:30.420 --> 38:32.890
Within six months of us
trying to get pregnant,
38:32.890 --> 38:35.800
I knew that something was wrong.
38:35.800 --> 38:38.903
We finally ended up around
my 30th birthday doing IVF.
38:40.578 --> 38:43.245
(anxious music)
38:44.969 --> 38:48.910
They retrieve your eggs by
sticking a very large wand
38:48.910 --> 38:52.290
with an aspirated needle
through your vaginal canal,
38:52.290 --> 38:53.890
and they retrieve the eggs.
38:53.890 --> 38:56.220
And when I woke up, they said,
38:56.220 --> 38:58.800
we're really sorry, but
you don't have any eggs.
38:58.800 --> 38:59.750
And this is kind of bizarre,
38:59.750 --> 39:01.570
we haven't really seen this before.
39:01.570 --> 39:03.816
And they thought, well,
maybe we did something wrong
39:03.816 --> 39:05.810
in the protocol, and you know,
this is just really strange.
39:05.810 --> 39:07.780
We tried again a few months later,
39:07.780 --> 39:09.513
and the same thing happened.
39:11.960 --> 39:14.870
You feel broken and devastated
39:14.870 --> 39:18.010
because for your whole entire life,
39:18.010 --> 39:21.180
you've been set up to be this person.
39:21.180 --> 39:24.650
And it was probably as
bereft as I have ever been.
39:24.650 --> 39:27.703
And then my husband told
me he wanted a divorce.
39:28.610 --> 39:29.973
So that was good times.
39:31.400 --> 39:33.940
I think one of the freeing
things at that time, actually,
39:33.940 --> 39:36.730
I was 31, was that I was
able to walk into a new
39:36.730 --> 39:39.330
relationship and say, you
know, like, I'm infertile.
39:41.110 --> 39:44.840
And I was really fortunate that
my current partner was like,
39:44.840 --> 39:46.010
we'll do whatever you want to do.
39:46.010 --> 39:48.993
I'm open to whatever options
have to happen for us.
39:50.477 --> 39:54.200
(bright music)
39:54.200 --> 39:57.760
And so I thought, I'm just
gonna be happy without children.
39:57.760 --> 40:01.130
And had to take stock of who
I wanted to be in the world.
40:03.880 --> 40:07.120
I am currently a graduate student
40:07.120 --> 40:09.450
at Case Western Reserve University.
40:09.450 --> 40:11.750
I am getting two Master's degrees,
40:11.750 --> 40:14.734
one in Public Health and one in Bioethics.
40:14.734 --> 40:17.741
My focus is reproductive health policy.
40:19.280 --> 40:22.460
For me, working in an abortion clinic
40:22.460 --> 40:25.440
and volunteering there,
it changed my life,
40:25.440 --> 40:30.080
because it was about the fact
that not being able to control
40:30.080 --> 40:34.230
my own body in terms of having a baby,
40:34.230 --> 40:38.140
was the flip side of not being
able to control your own body
40:38.140 --> 40:40.450
when you are pregnant
and don't want to be.
40:40.450 --> 40:44.380
(Piano music: Prelude 1, by J.S. Bach)
40:44.380 --> 40:46.670
[Therese VO] I spent 38 years desperately
40:46.670 --> 40:48.483
trying not to get pregnant.
40:49.410 --> 40:51.300
Years of taking birth control pills
40:51.300 --> 40:53.376
led to dangerously high blood pressure.
40:53.376 --> 40:54.760
(heart beats)
40:54.760 --> 40:58.530
And when I went off them, heavy
periods that gave me anemia,
40:58.530 --> 41:01.348
as well as two pregnancy scares.
41:01.348 --> 41:04.740
(Piano: J. S. Back, Prelude No. 1)
41:04.740 --> 41:07.470
Not wanting to be pregnant
and not necessarily feeling
41:07.470 --> 41:09.390
that you're in control of preventing that,
41:09.390 --> 41:10.540
it can be overwhelming.
41:11.930 --> 41:13.970
It was very difficult to take the pill,
41:13.970 --> 41:17.010
even though that's supposed
to be a very low dose hormone,
41:17.010 --> 41:19.720
I had very adverse reactions to it.
41:19.720 --> 41:21.840
Every year I had a gynecological exam,
41:21.840 --> 41:23.700
I'm like, could you tie 'em, please,
41:23.700 --> 41:24.809
for the love of God.
41:24.809 --> 41:26.109
My doctors wouldn't do it,
they said I was healthy,
41:26.109 --> 41:27.150
and that I'd change my mind.
41:27.150 --> 41:29.300
As someone who hasn't
wanted kids my whole life,
41:29.300 --> 41:31.760
I think I first started asking about
41:31.760 --> 41:33.730
getting my tubes tied or a hysterectomy
41:33.730 --> 41:36.300
when I was maybe 16 or 17.
41:36.300 --> 41:38.910
I had really painful
periods, long periods,
41:38.910 --> 41:40.323
like six weeks long.
41:41.860 --> 41:45.063
So when I was 16, I got put
on hormonal birth control.
41:46.030 --> 41:48.057
Every doctor I'd see, I'd say, you know,
41:48.057 --> 41:49.430
I'm not really using this.
41:49.430 --> 41:51.460
Like, could I maybe have a hysterectomy?
41:51.460 --> 41:52.720
And then I wouldn't have to be taking
41:52.720 --> 41:53.917
all this hormonal birth control.
41:53.917 --> 41:56.860
And every doctor, every
nurse practitioner I'd see
41:56.860 --> 41:59.010
would say, well, you know,
41:59.010 --> 42:00.340
you're gonna want to have kids someday.
42:00.340 --> 42:01.990
Like you're too young to think about that.
42:01.990 --> 42:06.030
And I finally found an
OB/GYN who believed me,
42:06.030 --> 42:07.030
and she said, okay, you know,
42:07.030 --> 42:09.030
like let's do the hysterectomy.
42:09.030 --> 42:11.160
Best surgery of my life.
42:11.160 --> 42:14.670
And then we actually found
that I have two nodules
42:14.670 --> 42:18.540
on my liver and they believe
that it was from taking
42:18.540 --> 42:21.323
hormonal birth control for
such a long period of time.
42:23.079 --> 42:24.870
To have somebody tell
you that they basically
42:24.870 --> 42:27.750
won't help you because you
don't know what's best for you
42:27.750 --> 42:29.800
is extremely condescending and insulting.
42:34.180 --> 42:37.160
[Therese VO] I met 19-year-old
Lauren on a Facebook group
42:37.160 --> 42:38.623
for childfree women.
42:40.550 --> 42:45.433
(notifications pinging)
42:50.180 --> 42:53.680
Lauren is smart, like super smart.
42:53.680 --> 42:54.960
I wanted to become an inventor
42:54.960 --> 42:57.030
by the time I was five or six.
42:57.030 --> 43:00.040
And by the time I was in the
middle of elementary school,
43:00.040 --> 43:01.530
I wanted to be a physicist.
43:01.530 --> 43:04.210
When I was 16 years old,
I moved to Rabat, Morocco
43:04.210 --> 43:07.230
to study Arabic, moved
to Seoul, South Korea,
43:07.230 --> 43:09.230
in order to study Korean.
43:09.230 --> 43:10.570
My Korean is fluent.
43:10.570 --> 43:13.133
The year after that, I
moved to Oslo, Norway.
43:14.120 --> 43:16.090
Now I have just moved to Toronto
43:16.090 --> 43:17.793
in order to go to university.
43:18.728 --> 43:20.790
And I am doing an honors
major or a specialist
43:20.790 --> 43:23.633
in computer science, as
well as a major in physics.
43:24.470 --> 43:27.220
I think I realized that
being childfree was a choice
43:27.220 --> 43:29.540
maybe when I was 15 or 16,
43:29.540 --> 43:32.640
when I really started to
reflect back on my decision,
43:32.640 --> 43:34.300
reflect on my future,
43:34.300 --> 43:39.300
reflect on how I felt
about children themselves.
43:40.040 --> 43:42.963
The actual sacrifices that
having children would entail.
43:43.860 --> 43:47.460
Most doctors don't
really view sterilization
43:47.460 --> 43:49.020
as a medical need.
43:49.020 --> 43:53.210
I have to start tailoring
my medical records now,
43:53.210 --> 43:56.660
such that when a doctor inevitably asks me
43:56.660 --> 43:59.500
what proves that you will not regret this,
43:59.500 --> 44:01.310
I can point at my medical records and say,
44:01.310 --> 44:03.340
I wanted this procedure five years ago,
44:03.340 --> 44:05.660
and I'm gonna want it five years from now.
44:05.660 --> 44:08.503
[Therese VO] What Lauren
wants is a tubal ligation,
44:08.503 --> 44:11.260
commonly known as getting your tubes tied.
44:11.260 --> 44:14.150
It's a simple procedure
where the fallopian tubes
44:14.150 --> 44:17.090
are surgically blocked to prevent an egg
44:17.090 --> 44:18.803
and a sperm from meeting.
44:20.430 --> 44:23.320
Lauren has spent two years
documenting her request
44:23.320 --> 44:24.383
for this procedure.
44:25.780 --> 44:27.570
Here we have lack of maternal drive,
44:27.570 --> 44:29.720
environmental factors and overpopulation,
44:29.720 --> 44:32.030
and the role of women in parenthood.
44:32.030 --> 44:33.850
Here we have mental and physical health.
44:33.850 --> 44:36.730
Here, I go into patient autonomy
44:36.730 --> 44:37.940
and the statement of consent
44:37.940 --> 44:39.590
and acknowledgement of procedure.
44:40.660 --> 44:42.980
Here, I just have my final words.
44:42.980 --> 44:45.667
And here's me saying:
Warm Regards, Lauren.
44:45.667 --> 44:48.637
I've heard stories of
women who are 35 or older,
44:48.637 --> 44:51.320
who are still being denied as too young.
44:51.320 --> 44:54.420
In what world is 35 too young for an adult
44:54.420 --> 44:56.300
to make a decision for themselves?
44:56.300 --> 44:59.250
I find it really frustrating
that many of my patients
44:59.250 --> 45:01.640
have jumped through
multiple hoops to see me
45:01.640 --> 45:03.850
to get a sterilization.
45:03.850 --> 45:06.920
[Therese VO] Dr. Kristen
Brandi is an OB/GYN
45:06.920 --> 45:09.693
and teaches at Rutgers
New Jersey Medical School.
45:11.290 --> 45:13.560
The only requirements
that you actually need
45:13.560 --> 45:16.110
to get a sterilization procedure performed
45:16.110 --> 45:18.490
is that you have to be
of age for consenting
45:18.490 --> 45:20.630
for any type of healthcare.
45:20.630 --> 45:21.960
That's it.
45:21.960 --> 45:25.790
I am able to go and fly to
China tomorrow and move there.
45:25.790 --> 45:27.500
I'm able to join the military.
45:27.500 --> 45:32.130
I'm able to sign a contract
for a massive loan.
45:32.130 --> 45:33.970
I'm able to make so many decisions
45:33.970 --> 45:36.307
that I could regret as an adult.
45:36.307 --> 45:38.870
Why is it that someone is looking over me,
45:38.870 --> 45:41.612
paternalistically in this area,
45:41.612 --> 45:44.963
when in other areas of my life,
I'm respected as an adult?
45:46.540 --> 45:48.770
[Therese VO] Pronatalism
makes it hard for young women
45:48.770 --> 45:50.820
like Lauren to get sterilized,
45:50.820 --> 45:52.600
but it's also led to vulnerable
45:52.600 --> 45:55.260
populations being sterilized,
45:55.260 --> 45:57.453
often without their consent or knowledge.
45:59.260 --> 46:01.760
That's because pronatalism is pro birth,
46:01.760 --> 46:03.113
but not every birth.
46:04.600 --> 46:09.063
At its core, pronatalism is
about controlling reproduction.
46:09.063 --> 46:10.488
(lock clangs shut)
46:11.780 --> 46:15.230
Slavery is the perfect example
of people's reproduction
46:15.230 --> 46:17.453
being used for the benefit of others.
46:19.150 --> 46:21.170
And since slavery,
46:21.170 --> 46:23.540
there has been biases
about which communities
46:23.540 --> 46:25.823
should reproduce and shouldn't reproduce.
46:28.210 --> 46:30.340
There's this concept called eugenics,
46:30.340 --> 46:34.030
which suggests that there are
some genetic reason why some
46:34.030 --> 46:36.980
communities are better
at one thing or another.
46:36.980 --> 46:40.233
And this idea was used
to help fuel racism.
46:41.280 --> 46:44.900
[Therese VO] Eugenics is a
now discredited pseudoscience.
46:44.900 --> 46:47.960
The term was coined in England in 1883,
46:47.960 --> 46:51.780
to promote the breeding of
so-called superior people.
46:51.780 --> 46:55.503
That is, people of white,
Northern European origin.
46:57.100 --> 46:58.980
In the early 1900s,
46:58.980 --> 47:02.430
Americans embraced eugenics
as the perfect tool
47:02.430 --> 47:05.020
for upholding white supremacy.
47:05.020 --> 47:08.020
In 1905, President Theodore Roosevelt
47:08.020 --> 47:10.503
warned Americans that
the country was doomed
47:10.503 --> 47:13.010
to a white race suicide,
47:13.010 --> 47:15.460
because minorities and immigrants
47:15.460 --> 47:18.733
were having far more babies
than white middle-class women.
47:20.020 --> 47:22.963
Forced sterilization was one solution.
47:24.170 --> 47:27.330
The eugenics movement used sterilization
47:27.330 --> 47:30.400
as a way of controlling reproduction.
47:30.400 --> 47:32.460
But they targeted Black and Latina,
47:32.460 --> 47:37.210
Native American women, people
that were disabled, prisoners,
47:37.210 --> 47:40.973
anyone that they thought that
socially should not reproduce.
47:42.540 --> 47:44.340
[Therese VO] It's difficult to overstate
47:44.340 --> 47:48.193
just how mainstream
eugenics was by the 1920s.
47:53.550 --> 47:57.440
One of its most ardent
admirers was Adolf Hitler.
47:57.440 --> 48:00.450
The Third Reich's extermination
of millions of Jews
48:00.450 --> 48:03.990
and other minorities in
the name of racial purity
48:03.990 --> 48:07.153
was inspired by American eugenics.
48:09.040 --> 48:11.720
Because of its connection
to Nazi genocide,
48:11.720 --> 48:15.063
The American Eugenics Society
slowly fell out of favor.
48:16.810 --> 48:19.773
But eugenics never really went away.
48:21.295 --> 48:22.650
I'm Puerto Rican.
48:22.650 --> 48:25.870
And a lot of the Puerto Rican people
48:25.870 --> 48:27.910
were part of this history
48:27.910 --> 48:30.773
of the eugenics movement's
forced sterilizations.
48:32.600 --> 48:35.700
In the 1970s, more and
more people of color
48:35.700 --> 48:38.020
were speaking out, so much
so that the government
48:38.020 --> 48:40.110
looked into it and found
that thousands of women
48:40.110 --> 48:42.300
were being sterilized each year,
48:42.300 --> 48:45.000
many of which did not know
that they were being sterilized
48:45.000 --> 48:47.450
or did not know that the
procedure was permanent.
48:48.909 --> 48:51.409
(tense music)
48:58.976 --> 49:02.567
(tense music)
49:13.050 --> 49:15.410
[Therese VO] The legacy
of forced sterilization
49:15.410 --> 49:18.760
makes it especially
complicated for women of color
49:18.760 --> 49:20.420
who don't want children.
49:20.420 --> 49:22.889
A big response that a lot of those of us
49:22.889 --> 49:26.450
of African and Hispanic descent receive
49:26.450 --> 49:29.530
when we talk about
sterilization by choice,
49:29.530 --> 49:33.210
that we are confirming
what whites want us to do.
49:33.210 --> 49:36.880
Stop having children, allow
the Black family to crumble,
49:36.880 --> 49:40.620
allow the Black community to
crumble, give in to eugenics.
49:40.620 --> 49:42.880
They'll say that you don't
understand what's going on.
49:42.880 --> 49:45.580
You don't understand the
history of our people.
49:45.580 --> 49:46.730
And I say, I understand all of that.
49:46.730 --> 49:49.630
I say, never question my African identity
49:49.630 --> 49:50.780
because I'm childfree.
49:53.810 --> 49:56.270
When we think about reproductive justice,
49:56.270 --> 49:58.770
we're including everyone.
49:58.770 --> 50:02.220
We're including people
who never want to conceive
50:02.220 --> 50:05.790
and should have every
right over their own bodies
50:05.790 --> 50:07.350
to choose that.
50:07.350 --> 50:10.750
And we're including women
who want to conceive
50:10.750 --> 50:13.686
and who aren't given that
option or opportunity.
50:13.686 --> 50:17.269
[Women chanting] My body, my
choice, my body, my choice.
50:17.269 --> 50:20.569
We will not go back, my body, my choice.
50:20.569 --> 50:21.630
[Therese] The white race suicide panic,
50:21.630 --> 50:24.590
which began shortly
after the end of slavery,
50:24.590 --> 50:27.000
continues to this day.
50:27.000 --> 50:30.640
White supremacists are still
terrorizing black and brown
50:30.640 --> 50:34.403
people and bullying white
women into having babies.
50:35.310 --> 50:37.990
What if the greatest menace to the health
50:37.990 --> 50:41.280
of the United States is us
and our declining population?
50:41.280 --> 50:44.120
American women are having so few babies.
50:44.120 --> 50:47.170
American women are having fewer babies.
50:47.170 --> 50:49.525
Baby boomers are retiring.
50:49.525 --> 50:51.540
I did my part, but you know,
50:51.540 --> 50:54.102
we need to have higher
birth rates in this country.
50:54.102 --> 50:57.568
(jazzy upbeat music)
51:02.050 --> 51:06.720
Mr. President, this is the real solution
51:06.720 --> 51:08.220
to climate change...
51:08.220 --> 51:09.361
Babies.
51:10.270 --> 51:15.203
Nations and countries need childbirths.
51:15.203 --> 51:17.340
Babies are good for the economy.
51:17.340 --> 51:21.090
Nations need us to be mothers.
51:21.090 --> 51:23.070
When population starts
to grow more slowly,
51:23.070 --> 51:25.460
you have fewer workers
supporting retirees.
51:25.460 --> 51:26.930
You can't pay for these benefits
51:26.930 --> 51:28.210
that we've promised the seniors.
51:28.210 --> 51:32.630
Capitalism depends on our work of love.
51:32.630 --> 51:35.160
Population really matters
for economic growth.
51:35.160 --> 51:38.850
Everybody benefits from it,
51:38.850 --> 51:42.000
but then everybody
51:42.000 --> 51:44.540
doesn't want to listen
51:44.540 --> 51:48.483
to what the carriers of this
51:48.483 --> 51:52.090
"work of love" want to say about it.
51:52.090 --> 51:56.310
And the prices that we pay for it.
51:56.310 --> 52:00.080
Our history in this country
really around reproduction
52:00.080 --> 52:04.200
is again, this view of women as vessels,
52:04.200 --> 52:07.570
rather than as independent thinking people
52:07.570 --> 52:10.393
who have dominion over their bodies.
52:11.910 --> 52:13.270
[Therese VO] Over the last century,
52:13.270 --> 52:15.640
the average number of babies per uterus
52:15.640 --> 52:17.763
has been up and down.
Through the depression,
52:20.675 --> 52:22.508
(running feet)
(heavy breathing)
52:24.100 --> 52:25.216
and the Baby Boom.
52:25.216 --> 52:27.820
(squeaking carriage wheels)
52:27.820 --> 52:31.592
Since the steep drop in the 1960s and 70s,
52:31.592 --> 52:33.000
(running feet)
(heavy breathing)
52:33.000 --> 52:36.870
the last 40 years have
actually been pretty steady.
52:36.870 --> 52:40.596
We're currently hovering
at 1.73 children per woman.
52:40.596 --> 52:41.829
[Running Woman] Yeah!
52:41.829 --> 52:44.800
[Therese VO] When women win
greater access to education,
52:44.800 --> 52:47.780
good jobs, and reproductive healthcare,
52:47.780 --> 52:49.860
they have fewer children.
52:49.860 --> 52:54.230
A drop in the fertility rate
is a sign of empowerment.
52:54.230 --> 52:56.760
It's only a problem for the men
52:56.760 --> 52:58.470
who can't make more of themselves
52:58.470 --> 53:01.107
without using someone else's uterus.
53:01.107 --> 53:05.360
I want every young woman to
know there's a place for you
53:05.360 --> 53:08.404
in America if you're pro-life.
53:08.404 --> 53:09.250
(people cheer)
53:09.250 --> 53:11.000
If you embrace your religion
53:11.920 --> 53:15.410
and you follow traditional
family structure,
53:15.410 --> 53:18.100
that you can go anywhere, young lady.
53:18.100 --> 53:19.674
(bagpipes)
53:19.674 --> 53:23.110
[Therese VO] Currently, the
Supreme Court is fully primed
53:23.110 --> 53:27.060
to strip away our ability
to control our bodies,
53:27.060 --> 53:29.333
whether we want children or not.
53:31.040 --> 53:36.040
This is something central
to a woman's life,
53:36.090 --> 53:38.130
to her dignity.
53:38.130 --> 53:41.140
It's a decision that she must make
53:43.205 --> 53:45.150
for herself.
53:45.150 --> 53:48.223
And when government controls
that decision for her,
53:49.820 --> 53:54.540
she is being treated as less
than a fully adult human
53:54.540 --> 53:58.708
responsible for her own choices.
54:02.932 --> 54:06.474
(Piano music: Kinderszenen,
by Robert Schumann)
54:09.475 --> 54:12.358
(purring)
54:14.320 --> 54:18.180
I know I didn't walk
around looking at babies
54:18.180 --> 54:20.963
and my mother-in-law
had this famous phrase.
54:22.200 --> 54:24.520
I don't see you having ever children
54:24.520 --> 54:26.830
because you only look at cats,
54:26.830 --> 54:27.663
which was true.
54:28.930 --> 54:31.400
I was more interested in the cats.
54:31.400 --> 54:32.623
Probably, I still am.
54:33.660 --> 54:36.800
So I've known, I've known for a while
54:36.800 --> 54:38.700
that I didn't want kids,
54:38.700 --> 54:42.283
but I'm here talking to you
54:42.283 --> 54:45.166
because you did want kids.
54:45.166 --> 54:46.650
(laughter)
I did have kids.
54:46.650 --> 54:48.410
You had kids.
Yeah.
54:48.410 --> 54:50.770
You had kids, but you didn't want kids?
54:50.770 --> 54:52.800
It's complicated.
54:52.800 --> 54:53.633
Okay.
54:54.800 --> 54:56.690
[Therese VO] My parents
were born in Romania
54:56.690 --> 54:59.550
just before the start of World War II.
54:59.550 --> 55:02.483
They survived the Germans
and then the Soviets.
55:03.610 --> 55:07.600
In 1961, newly married and
in their early twenties,
55:07.600 --> 55:09.840
they were finally able to flee to Israel
55:09.840 --> 55:11.523
as political refugees.
55:14.600 --> 55:16.170
I didn't know I was pregnant.
55:16.170 --> 55:19.000
We boarded the ship,
it was a Turkish ship.
55:19.000 --> 55:20.690
And we had dinner the first night
55:20.690 --> 55:24.410
and it took three days to
get to Haifa in Israel.
55:24.410 --> 55:26.000
And for the three days I was sick.
55:26.000 --> 55:27.690
Then when we got to Israel,
55:27.690 --> 55:29.870
I went to stay with my cousin Jozi,
55:29.870 --> 55:32.810
and I kept being sick, which was strange,
55:32.810 --> 55:35.630
because it didn't move anymore.
55:35.630 --> 55:37.620
So Jozi said, you have
to go to see a doctor,
55:37.620 --> 55:38.830
something's wrong with you.
55:38.830 --> 55:39.820
We went to see a doctor.
55:39.820 --> 55:41.810
He told me I'm pregnant.
55:41.810 --> 55:45.150
Jozi, my cousin, that I
stayed with in the beginning,
55:45.150 --> 55:48.380
she assumed that I want an abortion,
55:48.380 --> 55:51.400
because there was no way to
have a baby in these conditions.
55:51.400 --> 55:54.860
Starting from the
beginning, in a new country,
55:54.860 --> 55:56.010
not knowing the language,
55:56.010 --> 55:59.680
totally illiterate, two
more years of university...
55:59.680 --> 56:01.022
No money.
56:01.022 --> 56:02.455
No baby.
56:03.290 --> 56:04.990
And she went from tzrif to tzrif
56:04.990 --> 56:08.000
and she said, my cousin is pregnant
56:08.000 --> 56:09.310
and she needs an abortion.
56:09.310 --> 56:11.720
And everybody put a bit
of money in the hat.
56:11.720 --> 56:13.620
And she came back to the tzrif and say,
56:13.620 --> 56:15.748
here's money for an abortion.
56:15.748 --> 56:16.581
[Therese VO] How did you feel
56:16.581 --> 56:17.537
when she that she had done that?
56:17.537 --> 56:18.810
Well, how I feel?
56:18.810 --> 56:21.287
I thought she was magnificent.
56:21.287 --> 56:23.674
(laughing) I mean to
produce something like this,
56:23.674 --> 56:25.769
can you imagine?
56:25.769 --> 56:27.690
And I could have an abortion.
56:27.690 --> 56:31.114
And for some reason, which I think
56:31.114 --> 56:33.631
it's magic or whatever,
56:33.631 --> 56:35.620
I knew it was you.
56:35.620 --> 56:38.500
And I said, you know,
I believe in abortion.
56:38.500 --> 56:41.220
Everybody can have a choice,
whatever they want to do,
56:41.220 --> 56:44.590
but that wasn't a choice for
me at that point in life.
56:44.590 --> 56:47.040
And I was also scared.
56:47.040 --> 56:50.930
I was going to use an ugly
word, how scared I was,
56:50.930 --> 56:54.090
because I couldn't see
how we're going to cope.
56:54.090 --> 56:56.078
I'm really all teared up now.
56:56.078 --> 56:58.561
And I know the story, I've
heard it so many times.
56:58.561 --> 57:01.569
You know, when it happened,
it was life, you know?
57:03.730 --> 57:05.533
I was considered selfish,
57:06.590 --> 57:09.283
seriously selfish, because I had a child.
57:11.020 --> 57:13.400
[Therese VO] I love this. I
have a copy of this photo.
57:13.400 --> 57:17.560
Yeah, this is a nice one.
And you guys are very cute.
57:17.560 --> 57:19.172
You're very happy.
Yes, we were happy.
57:19.172 --> 57:20.268
You seem happy.
57:20.268 --> 57:21.343
You don't seem like you're thinking,
57:21.343 --> 57:23.372
I've made the most horrible
mistake of my life.
57:23.372 --> 57:24.765
- No, no.
Please take this
57:24.765 --> 57:26.309
away from me.
- No, no, no.
57:26.309 --> 57:27.750
No, actually, when I made the decision,
57:27.750 --> 57:29.340
I knew this was a good decision.
57:29.340 --> 57:30.470
- Yeah.
- So I never-
57:30.470 --> 57:32.617
I never regretted it.
57:33.729 --> 57:36.312
(gentle music)
57:45.060 --> 57:47.090
[Therese VO] I've been told many times
57:47.090 --> 57:50.030
that I'd regret not having a child,
57:50.030 --> 57:51.660
but I know in my heart
57:51.660 --> 57:53.935
that I would have regretted having one.
57:56.580 --> 57:59.900
When I think of all of the times
57:59.900 --> 58:02.633
that I decided not to have children,
58:04.590 --> 58:07.850
each time I was testing myself.
58:07.850 --> 58:09.910
Are you sure? Are you sure?
58:09.910 --> 58:14.360
And the fact is, I was sure all my life.
58:14.360 --> 58:17.700
If I'm like 80 and I'm
like, oh, I wish I had kids,
58:17.700 --> 58:21.780
I would be happier having that regret,
58:21.780 --> 58:24.820
if happier is a word to be
used to describe regret,
58:24.820 --> 58:28.137
than having a kid and like
58:28.137 --> 58:30.312
fully regretting that,
58:30.312 --> 58:32.073
which by the way I can picture.
58:34.160 --> 58:35.860
He's very cute.
58:35.860 --> 58:37.860
Do you regret it, not having children?
58:39.650 --> 58:41.713
Oh, I'm sorry, that's too personal.
58:43.010 --> 58:45.041
Do you ever regret having them?
58:48.600 --> 58:51.470
[Therese VO] In 2018, Anne
Kingston wrote a cover story
58:51.470 --> 58:53.093
on maternal regret.
58:54.360 --> 58:58.120
And like her 2009 article
on childfree lives,
58:58.120 --> 59:01.660
there was a huge reader response.
59:01.660 --> 59:02.760
I don't think I've written a story
59:02.760 --> 59:06.340
where there's been such a
uniform positive response to it,
59:06.340 --> 59:09.493
and just an interest in discussing it.
59:10.910 --> 59:14.040
I think the reason it resonates
now is because we're seeing
59:14.040 --> 59:16.670
it writ large on social media,
59:16.670 --> 59:21.630
Facebook groups allow people
to find a community to speak,
59:21.630 --> 59:26.570
yet you know, be anonymous about
a very contentious subject.
59:28.736 --> 59:31.319
(gentle music)
59:41.460 --> 59:43.410
We're seeing scholarly research,
59:43.410 --> 59:45.970
which gives it a legitimacy
for the very first time,
59:45.970 --> 59:49.120
it's taken seriously as
a sociological subject.
59:49.120 --> 59:51.383
Orna Donath's book has done that.
59:52.220 --> 59:54.770
[Therese VO] Anne's article was inspired
59:54.770 --> 59:55.603
by "Regretting Motherhood,"
59:55.603 --> 59:57.950
Orna Donath's groundbreaking book,
59:57.950 --> 01:00:01.090
which revealed the first-person
experiences of women
01:00:01.090 --> 01:00:03.860
who regretted their
decision to have children.
01:00:03.860 --> 01:00:08.220
There is an assumption that
if you regret being a mother,
01:00:08.220 --> 01:00:11.150
then you hate your children.
01:00:11.150 --> 01:00:15.083
And all of the women who
participated in my study said,
01:00:16.230 --> 01:00:18.390
I love my children.
01:00:18.390 --> 01:00:20.320
I hate being their mother.
01:00:20.320 --> 01:00:21.620
I think people think, oh, well,
01:00:21.620 --> 01:00:25.270
a regretful mother is a bad
mother, an unattentive mother.
01:00:25.270 --> 01:00:27.990
Ironically, often these
mothers are even more attentive
01:00:27.990 --> 01:00:29.553
because they feel this guilt.
01:00:30.610 --> 01:00:33.193
(gentle music)
01:00:44.530 --> 01:00:47.012
A lot of people feel like they'll conform
01:00:47.012 --> 01:00:52.012
to what society asks of them.
01:00:52.530 --> 01:00:54.340
So I have lots of patients who say, well,
01:00:54.340 --> 01:00:57.110
I guess if my partner
would really want a child,
01:00:57.110 --> 01:00:58.518
I would do it.
01:01:03.547 --> 01:01:07.650
I can't imagine becoming a mother
01:01:07.650 --> 01:01:12.560
and living for three decades miserable.
01:01:12.560 --> 01:01:16.701
Just because maybe, maybe,
01:01:16.701 --> 01:01:19.230
maybe, maybe, maybe
01:01:19.230 --> 01:01:24.230
at the age of 70, if I will
get there, I will regret.
01:01:24.780 --> 01:01:27.340
Ruthie kept pretty much to herself.
01:01:27.340 --> 01:01:29.260
Never married.
- Uh-huh.
01:01:29.260 --> 01:01:31.103
She died in there, you know.
01:01:33.610 --> 01:01:36.030
- She did?
- Oh yes.
01:01:36.030 --> 01:01:40.810
It was a week before
anyone realized she passed.
01:01:40.810 --> 01:01:44.003
Rumor has it, the cat ate half her face.
01:01:45.180 --> 01:01:46.743
So just you?
01:01:47.630 --> 01:01:50.380
What's gonna happen to you when you're 70?
01:01:50.380 --> 01:01:53.060
Aren't you gonna look
back on your life and say,
01:01:53.060 --> 01:01:55.320
oh no, I should've had children,
01:01:55.320 --> 01:01:58.650
because now I'm making my own decisions
01:01:58.650 --> 01:02:01.960
about whether to go into a nursing home.
01:02:01.960 --> 01:02:03.520
And I don't, and I don't have any kids
01:02:03.520 --> 01:02:04.930
to help move me into it.
01:02:04.930 --> 01:02:06.670
It's really fucked up to imagine
01:02:06.670 --> 01:02:08.570
that a person would
create another human being
01:02:08.570 --> 01:02:10.240
to take care of them.
01:02:10.240 --> 01:02:14.030
- Would you call it selfish?
- Yeah, that's selfish.
01:02:14.030 --> 01:02:15.460
If you're having a child,
01:02:15.460 --> 01:02:17.580
and you're assuming this child
when they get to a certain
01:02:17.580 --> 01:02:19.600
age is gonna want to take care of you,
01:02:19.600 --> 01:02:21.610
you better be a spectacular parent
01:02:21.610 --> 01:02:24.270
or that child better have so
many like codependent issues
01:02:24.270 --> 01:02:26.030
that they can't bear to be away from you.
01:02:26.030 --> 01:02:28.130
It's not this thing where you have kids,
01:02:28.130 --> 01:02:30.040
and then you're guaranteed
to have someone,
01:02:30.040 --> 01:02:31.530
a companion in your golden years.
01:02:31.530 --> 01:02:33.830
More than likely your
kid is just gonna be out
01:02:33.830 --> 01:02:34.910
living their own life,
01:02:34.910 --> 01:02:37.000
and you're gonna have to
find your own relationships
01:02:37.000 --> 01:02:39.110
and friendships and support structures.
01:02:39.110 --> 01:02:42.400
We're moving towards a world with options.
01:02:42.400 --> 01:02:44.160
We're moving towards a
world in which people
01:02:44.160 --> 01:02:46.290
can set up all kinds of families.
01:02:46.290 --> 01:02:50.496
What we can look forward to
is a diversity of families.
01:02:50.496 --> 01:02:53.200
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
01:02:53.200 --> 01:02:55.130
I was just feeling some
kind of way about my life
01:02:55.130 --> 01:02:57.420
the other day, and I like
re-watched "The Golden Girls."
01:02:57.420 --> 01:02:59.520
They eat so many
cheesecakes and ice creams.
01:02:59.520 --> 01:03:01.740
I'm like, ladies, this is the life, honey.
01:03:01.740 --> 01:03:05.720
Oh, do you know how many
problems we have solved
01:03:05.720 --> 01:03:08.810
over a cheesecake at this kitchen table?
01:03:08.810 --> 01:03:11.010
We console each other, we help each other,
01:03:11.010 --> 01:03:12.483
we advise each other.
01:03:13.656 --> 01:03:15.619
And then, we talk about sex again.
01:03:15.619 --> 01:03:17.510
(audience laughs)
01:03:17.510 --> 01:03:20.330
[Therese VO] The nuclear
family does not have a monopoly
01:03:20.330 --> 01:03:23.503
on love, support, or legitimacy.
01:03:25.820 --> 01:03:28.090
Pat and Margaret are a
couple in their sixties,
01:03:28.090 --> 01:03:30.610
living in Durham, North Carolina.
01:03:30.610 --> 01:03:33.750
Like many LGBT folks of their generation,
01:03:33.750 --> 01:03:37.290
parenthood was not part of their script.
01:03:37.290 --> 01:03:40.256
I married a man at 22
01:03:40.256 --> 01:03:43.922
and he was a child himself.
01:03:43.922 --> 01:03:47.613
And so thankfully we never
had children of our own.
01:03:48.710 --> 01:03:50.680
Divorced at 28.
01:03:50.680 --> 01:03:54.930
And when I divorced, I said,
01:03:54.930 --> 01:03:58.350
well, if I don't have
kids by the time I'm 40,
01:03:58.350 --> 01:04:00.110
maybe I'll adopt.
01:04:00.110 --> 01:04:03.317
And then what happened instead was,
01:04:03.317 --> 01:04:04.800
I became a lesbian.
01:04:04.800 --> 01:04:08.700
I came out as a lesbian
at age 40, basically.
01:04:08.700 --> 01:04:10.533
And so that was the birth.
01:04:11.465 --> 01:04:16.465
And there were no children ever
passed my brain after that.
01:04:16.855 --> 01:04:19.478
(sound of car engine)
01:04:19.478 --> 01:04:21.340
[Therese VO] Pat and
Margaret are literally
01:04:21.340 --> 01:04:25.177
building their own future on this land...
01:04:25.177 --> 01:04:29.053
an LGBT co-housing
community outside Durham.
01:04:30.120 --> 01:04:33.200
(people chatting)
01:04:33.200 --> 01:04:35.457
They say it takes a
village to raise a child,
01:04:35.457 --> 01:04:38.240
and it takes a village, I
think, to age gracefully
01:04:38.240 --> 01:04:40.080
and age happily.
01:04:40.080 --> 01:04:41.640
So we need our community.
01:04:41.640 --> 01:04:44.740
So that's why we came
up with Village Hearth.
01:04:44.740 --> 01:04:46.490
(people chatting)
01:04:46.490 --> 01:04:49.730
This whole thing is about
relationships with other people.
01:04:49.730 --> 01:04:53.490
And I just choose that the relationships
01:04:53.490 --> 01:04:56.247
will be with adult people.
01:04:56.247 --> 01:04:58.292
(laughter)
01:04:58.292 --> 01:04:59.808
Congratulations!
01:04:59.808 --> 01:05:01.016
[Man offscreen] This
place will never get built
01:05:01.016 --> 01:05:01.849
at that rate!
01:05:01.849 --> 01:05:05.272
Come on, come on, let's move the dirt!
01:05:05.272 --> 01:05:10.219
(people laughing and chatting)
- Move the dirt over there.
01:05:15.489 --> 01:05:17.850
Woooooooo
01:05:17.850 --> 01:05:19.921
[Therese VO] Blair Koenig, the creator of
01:05:19.921 --> 01:05:21.830
Shut the Fuck Up, Parents,
01:05:21.830 --> 01:05:25.120
had become a parent herself.
01:05:25.120 --> 01:05:27.870
I took years to make
that choice with a person
01:05:27.870 --> 01:05:30.360
that I've known for almost 20 years now.
01:05:30.360 --> 01:05:33.650
And we're like on year one with this kid.
01:05:33.650 --> 01:05:35.450
And I think that sometimes
we do look at each other
01:05:35.450 --> 01:05:36.680
and wonder if we were gonna do this,
01:05:36.680 --> 01:05:37.720
why we didn't do it sooner,
01:05:37.720 --> 01:05:41.711
but it's because it is such
a monumental life shift.
01:05:41.711 --> 01:05:43.700
Okay, okay.
01:05:43.700 --> 01:05:46.870
You can find love and joy in
all of these different areas
01:05:46.870 --> 01:05:48.530
of life, whether you're a parent or not,
01:05:48.530 --> 01:05:50.670
but the people who really
go out of their way,
01:05:50.670 --> 01:05:53.880
especially in my case
to tell me specifically,
01:05:53.880 --> 01:05:56.170
you will not understand
until you have a child,
01:05:56.170 --> 01:05:59.390
now I can say for sure, no, I do have one.
01:05:59.390 --> 01:06:01.503
I still fundamentally disagree.
01:06:02.416 --> 01:06:04.066
(swing squeaks)
01:06:05.239 --> 01:06:06.310
For months we were telling people like,
01:06:06.310 --> 01:06:09.870
you can be an aunt or an uncle
to your friend's children,
01:06:09.870 --> 01:06:12.050
and you'll be fine.
01:06:12.050 --> 01:06:13.950
In fact, you'll be great!
01:06:13.950 --> 01:06:14.783
(laughs)
01:06:15.740 --> 01:06:18.970
There's no reason to have
one if you don't want one,
01:06:18.970 --> 01:06:21.272
you know, it just makes no sense.
01:06:21.272 --> 01:06:22.622
(Offscreen thud)
01:06:22.622 --> 01:06:23.580
Ow!
(laughs)
01:06:23.580 --> 01:06:24.413
Ow.
01:06:25.453 --> 01:06:28.036
(upbeat music)
01:06:30.930 --> 01:06:34.140
[Leo] It's really important
to us to support young people
01:06:34.140 --> 01:06:36.780
in our family of choice communities,
01:06:36.780 --> 01:06:39.130
and a lot of research shows
how important it is for
01:06:39.130 --> 01:06:41.340
young people to have trusted
adults in their lives,
01:06:41.340 --> 01:06:44.378
beyond just their parents
and immediate family.
01:06:44.378 --> 01:06:47.020
(crowd noise)
01:06:47.020 --> 01:06:49.240
Something we have loved doing for years
01:06:49.240 --> 01:06:52.180
is showing up for queer prom.
(crowd noise)
01:06:52.180 --> 01:06:55.073
All right, fantastic-looking
folks, come on down.
01:06:55.910 --> 01:06:57.780
[Woman] This is her
first, like, queer event.
01:06:57.780 --> 01:06:59.040
Oh, mazel tov!
01:06:59.040 --> 01:07:01.430
Well, this is the best one
to start out with, maybe,
01:07:01.430 --> 01:07:03.670
if I can get this on to you.
(offscreen laughter)
01:07:03.670 --> 01:07:05.700
Young queer and trans people,
01:07:05.700 --> 01:07:08.350
often they don't feel as
supported going to their proms
01:07:08.350 --> 01:07:09.183
at their high schools.
01:07:09.183 --> 01:07:12.777
They weren't supported by their
parents or administration.
01:07:12.777 --> 01:07:14.260
(dance music)
01:07:14.260 --> 01:07:15.790
[Leo] I think it's
important for both of us
01:07:15.790 --> 01:07:19.410
to be role models and guides.
01:07:19.410 --> 01:07:21.450
It's our way of giving
back and being the adult
01:07:21.450 --> 01:07:25.508
we wish we had in our lives
when we were growing up.
01:07:25.508 --> 01:07:27.943
♪ Get down tonight ♪
01:07:27.943 --> 01:07:29.736
♪ Do a little dance ♪
01:07:29.736 --> 01:07:31.041
This is our community. This is our family.
01:07:31.041 --> 01:07:32.580
Family is family, however you make it.
01:07:32.580 --> 01:07:34.482
And this is how we've made ours.
01:07:34.482 --> 01:07:37.702
♪ Get down tonight ♪
01:07:37.702 --> 01:07:40.218
(dance music)
01:07:45.835 --> 01:07:47.000
(gentle piano music)
01:07:47.000 --> 01:07:48.800
[Therese VO] One of the things that I love
01:07:48.800 --> 01:07:52.270
about being childfree is
having the time and freedom
01:07:52.270 --> 01:07:53.533
to show up for people.
01:07:55.130 --> 01:07:57.500
About a year after I first met Lauren,
01:07:57.500 --> 01:07:59.258
she shared some big news.
01:08:00.203 --> 01:08:05.186
(notifications pinging)
01:08:11.900 --> 01:08:14.590
[Therese VO] Thanks to a
crowdsourced list on Reddit,
01:08:14.590 --> 01:08:16.700
Lauren found a doctor in Seattle
01:08:16.700 --> 01:08:18.883
to do her sterilization procedure.
01:08:23.366 --> 01:08:24.870
We are headed into Rite Aid
01:08:24.870 --> 01:08:28.133
to get some pre- and
post-surgery supplies.
01:08:29.344 --> 01:08:30.560
(traffic noise)
01:08:31.600 --> 01:08:33.500
I'm so happy that I could actually be here
01:08:33.500 --> 01:08:36.140
and be experiencing this
because it's something
01:08:36.140 --> 01:08:39.710
that has been in my dreams
for a number of years,
01:08:39.710 --> 01:08:42.447
especially due to my anxiety
surrounding pregnancy
01:08:42.447 --> 01:08:43.840
and all of that.
01:08:43.840 --> 01:08:47.470
And being able to actually achieve
01:08:47.470 --> 01:08:50.270
what I set out two years ago
when I started putting together
01:08:50.270 --> 01:08:52.590
my sterilization binder, and be in a place
01:08:52.590 --> 01:08:56.707
where that's actually paying
off is-it's amazing to me.
01:08:56.707 --> 01:08:59.290
(bright music)
01:09:00.470 --> 01:09:02.270
[Therese VO] Lauren's boyfriend Kevin
01:09:02.270 --> 01:09:04.697
flew in from Toronto to support her.
01:09:06.310 --> 01:09:07.163
[Lauren] Thank you, you too.
01:09:10.632 --> 01:09:13.299
(bright music)
01:09:14.240 --> 01:09:16.806
(lightly laughing)
01:09:30.030 --> 01:09:31.757
OK, so we just got a message.
01:09:31.757 --> 01:09:33.907
"I'm in recovery right now.
01:09:33.907 --> 01:09:35.910
Not sure about discharge time."
01:09:35.910 --> 01:09:39.290
So, I guess everything went
well, if she's texting.
01:09:39.290 --> 01:09:40.640
So that's really good news.
01:09:41.880 --> 01:09:43.620
- That was easy.
- Surprisingly
01:09:43.620 --> 01:09:45.800
That was really easy.
- Hello.
01:09:45.800 --> 01:09:47.570
They said I would spend
about a half an hour
01:09:47.570 --> 01:09:51.220
in the first recovery room
before he was allowed in.
01:09:51.220 --> 01:09:53.040
I spent about five minutes in there.
01:09:53.040 --> 01:09:55.460
'Cause I immediately just
started talking to the nurse
01:09:55.460 --> 01:09:58.603
and being like, hey,
what's up, how's life?
01:10:01.380 --> 01:10:04.438
Also like literally,
01:10:04.438 --> 01:10:06.171
I have the tiniest band-aid in the world.
01:10:06.171 --> 01:10:07.693
- Wow, look at that.
- That's it.
01:10:08.770 --> 01:10:10.573
It's the world's smallest incision.
01:10:11.530 --> 01:10:14.430
They said there will be a bit
of bruising, but no worries.
01:10:17.000 --> 01:10:18.657
Why does it have to-
01:10:20.986 --> 01:10:24.181
Here, I'll get these to the other side.
01:10:26.073 --> 01:10:28.740
(bright music)
01:10:30.200 --> 01:10:32.210
[Therese VO] I asked Lauren
what she would say to someone
01:10:32.210 --> 01:10:34.980
who was appalled that a 20-year-old woman
01:10:34.980 --> 01:10:36.413
would get sterilized.
01:10:38.440 --> 01:10:40.580
I don't know what to say to them, really.
01:10:40.580 --> 01:10:44.110
I mean, that's one of the
reasons that I don't tell people,
01:10:44.110 --> 01:10:46.700
because I know people might be appalled.
01:10:46.700 --> 01:10:48.410
Because I know that they wouldn't approve
01:10:48.410 --> 01:10:51.230
and I'd rather just
keep something to myself
01:10:51.230 --> 01:10:54.773
until they will start to
understand me because I'm older.
01:10:59.426 --> 01:11:01.941
(energetic music)
01:11:01.941 --> 01:11:04.608
(siren wailing)
01:11:07.344 --> 01:11:10.427
(tattoo machine buzzing)
01:11:13.750 --> 01:11:16.080
So I had this vision in my head
01:11:16.080 --> 01:11:18.560
of a tattoo of a woman giving birth
01:11:18.560 --> 01:11:20.630
to something other than babies.
01:11:20.630 --> 01:11:23.870
There are books for literature
and there is a microscope
01:11:23.870 --> 01:11:25.310
for science and medicine.
01:11:25.310 --> 01:11:28.393
There are the scales of
justice, for law and justice.
01:11:33.410 --> 01:11:35.743
The more that we all share our stories,
01:11:36.600 --> 01:11:38.060
the better off we all are,
01:11:38.060 --> 01:11:41.100
because that is how we
break out of these scripts
01:11:41.100 --> 01:11:42.890
that are written for us.
01:11:42.890 --> 01:11:44.440
(tattoo machine buzzing)
01:11:45.675 --> 01:11:47.940
Oh, it's great. I'm so happy.
01:11:47.940 --> 01:11:51.210
I love like how dark, how
much black you put inside
01:11:51.210 --> 01:11:52.417
like, the womb.
01:11:53.850 --> 01:11:55.165
It looks fantastic.
01:12:00.603 --> 01:12:03.483
[Woman] So what motivated
you for this thing?
01:12:03.483 --> 01:12:04.316
So...
01:12:04.316 --> 01:12:06.759
(laughing)
- Are you a scientist?
01:12:06.759 --> 01:12:08.039
Are you-
- No, so I'm...
01:12:08.039 --> 01:12:08.872
well sort of.
01:12:08.872 --> 01:12:11.221
I'm a social-a sociologist.
- Oh, OK.
01:12:11.221 --> 01:12:12.740
So I'm interested in all
of the reasons that women
01:12:12.740 --> 01:12:13.740
don't want to have children.
01:12:13.740 --> 01:12:15.640
and like all the things
that women can give birth
01:12:15.640 --> 01:12:18.902
to other than children.
- We have dogs.
01:12:18.902 --> 01:12:20.802
- So like science, literature.
- We skipped children.
01:12:20.802 --> 01:12:22.140
Why didn't we put a dog on there?
01:12:22.140 --> 01:12:22.973
You need to put a dog on there,
01:12:22.973 --> 01:12:24.370
because we have dogs instead of kids.
01:12:24.370 --> 01:12:25.750
Yeah, so we have, I mean,
01:12:25.750 --> 01:12:27.790
I had dogs and I have cats also, so.
01:12:27.790 --> 01:12:29.230
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, so.
01:12:29.230 --> 01:12:31.140
But yeah.
- Okay, totally cool,
01:12:31.140 --> 01:12:33.639
enjoy your tat.
- Thank you, thank you.
01:12:33.639 --> 01:12:36.989
(bright music)
01:12:48.820 --> 01:12:53.270
[Therese VO] I got my period
every month for 38 years.
01:12:53.270 --> 01:12:56.770
When I was 52, it stopped.
01:12:56.770 --> 01:12:58.950
It was menopause.
01:12:58.950 --> 01:13:01.617
(celebratory music)
01:13:07.000 --> 01:13:11.070
No more bleeding, no
more pain, no more pills.
01:13:11.070 --> 01:13:14.010
No more possibility of getting pregnant.
01:13:14.010 --> 01:13:17.373
Finally, I could relax.
01:13:21.470 --> 01:13:22.860
I was told it was horrendous.
01:13:22.860 --> 01:13:25.377
It is horrendous, but
then it's magnificent.
01:13:25.377 --> 01:13:26.615
Something to look forward to.
01:13:27.807 --> 01:13:30.390
(bright music)
01:13:36.042 --> 01:13:38.750
[Therese VO] What do we need to thrive?
01:13:38.750 --> 01:13:42.090
To know love, to be a family,
01:13:42.090 --> 01:13:43.973
to grow old with joy?
01:13:45.060 --> 01:13:49.690
In a world that's open
and full of possibility,
01:13:49.690 --> 01:13:51.863
we can imagine different lives.
01:13:52.780 --> 01:13:57.330
Because self invention
is not only possible,
01:13:57.330 --> 01:13:59.150
it's necessary.
01:14:03.615 --> 01:14:04.773
(audience applause)
01:14:04.773 --> 01:14:09.010
In 2013, Marcia told her
story on her own terms,
01:14:09.010 --> 01:14:12.883
in her memoir, "Confessions
of a Child-Free Woman."
01:14:15.270 --> 01:14:17.420
[Therese VO] Do you
regret anything, Marcia?
01:14:18.320 --> 01:14:22.170
Yes, yes, I do regret something.
01:14:22.170 --> 01:14:24.861
I regret that I was afraid
01:14:24.861 --> 01:14:29.270
to write a book until I was 70.
01:14:29.270 --> 01:14:32.660
What a waste, what a loss.
01:14:32.660 --> 01:14:36.950
I regret that I didn't wrap
my heart around this book
01:14:36.950 --> 01:14:40.500
and start putting it out as
Ellen Peck had done for me.
01:14:40.500 --> 01:14:42.180
And now that I've done it,
01:14:42.180 --> 01:14:44.400
I can see now why Ellen Peck did it.
01:14:44.400 --> 01:14:48.960
And I'm hoping that by this conversation
01:14:48.960 --> 01:14:50.790
and by this kind of a film,
01:14:50.790 --> 01:14:53.930
there'll be other people
who step up to the plate
01:14:53.930 --> 01:14:56.240
with joy and excitement and passion,
01:14:56.240 --> 01:14:58.850
and reach out and whatever they, whatever,
01:14:58.850 --> 01:15:00.740
however they can and say,
01:15:00.740 --> 01:15:05.177
I am childfree and it's fabulous.
01:15:05.177 --> 01:15:07.760
(bright music)
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(Kiss Kiss I'm Fabulous, by Miss Eaves)
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♪ Stomp stomp. Head high ♪
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♪ I serve, yea! Kiss the mirror ♪
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♪ 'Cause I know that I'm worth it ♪
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♪ Try and tell me I'm undeserving ♪
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♪ My body is fine ♪
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♪ Heard that? ♪
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♪ Swing my body. I work it! ♪
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♪ Bounce off casted aspersions ♪
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♪ Talk's cheap. They haven't earned it ♪
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♪ Undefined by their lip service ♪
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♪ All these rules 'bout how to fit in ♪
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♪ Watch me dodge these opinions ♪
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♪ Crop top round belly I'm chillin' ♪
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♪ Curvy in bodycon I'm livin' ♪
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♪ Lines on my face: embrace it ♪
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♪ Comparisons are time wasting ♪
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♪ Let go of self-hatred ♪
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♪ Decolonize. Erase it. ♪
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♪ Criticism static ♪
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♪ Hating is so tragic ♪
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♪ I know I am fantastic ♪
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♪ I got that black girl magic ♪
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♪ Blah blah in my ear ♪
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♪ I don't wanna hear ♪
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♪ Who can crush my spirit? ♪
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♪ I kill it. Really really ♪
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♪ Really really. Really really. ♪
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♪ Really really. Really really. ♪
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♪ Really really. ♪
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♪ I kill it. Really really. ♪
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♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪
01:16:43.078 --> 01:16:44.852
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪
01:16:44.852 --> 01:16:46.792
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪
01:16:46.792 --> 01:16:48.611
♪ Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss ♪
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♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪
01:16:50.172 --> 01:16:51.971
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪
01:16:51.971 --> 01:16:53.465
♪ Kiss Kiss - I'm fabulous ♪
01:16:53.465 --> 01:16:56.180
♪ Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss ♪
01:16:56.180 --> 01:16:57.811
♪ Criticism static ♪
01:16:57.811 --> 01:16:59.629
♪ Hating is so tragic. ♪
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♪ I know I am fantastic ♪
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♪ I got that black girl magic ♪
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♪ Blah blah in my ear ♪
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♪ I don't wanna hear ♪
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♪ Who can crush my spirit? ♪
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♪ I kill it. Really really ♪
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♪ Criticism static ♪
01:17:12.131 --> 01:17:13.955
♪ Hating is so tragic ♪
01:17:13.955 --> 01:17:15.651
♪ I know I am fantastic ♪
01:17:15.651 --> 01:17:17.512
♪ I got that black girl magic ♪
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♪ Blah blah in my ear ♪
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♪ I don't wanna hear ♪
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♪ Who can crush my spirit? ♪
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♪ I kill it. Really really. ♪
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♪ Really really. Really really. ♪
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♪ Really really. Really really. ♪
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♪ Really really. ♪
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[Therese offscreen] You
should have some cats, no?
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[Anne] Oh st-fuck off, Therese.
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I do not want cats.
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(laughing)