Return to the Body
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
Rebecca Torosian has a hard time explaining what she does. She is a surrogate partner therapist, which according to Wikipedia means she "engages in education and often intimate physical contact and/or sexual activity with clients to achieve a therapeutic goal". Rebecca has, for over a decade, worked with men (and a few women) who suffer from some sort of sexual functioning disorder. Men, of all ages, with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and sexual shyness are among her most common clients.
Rob is family man and former lawyer who 5 years ago was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer. The surgery that saved his life has left him with performance issues. That cure has made it difficult for him to maintain a consistent sexual relationship with his wife, which is ultimately what led him to Rebecca. Return to the Body intimately tracks Rob's progress during his sessions with Rebecca as he explores the importance of mind and body and it's connection to sexual function. What remains to be seen is if the physical nature of his problem can be overcome through these methods.
Citation
Main credits
Torosian, Rebecca (on-screen participant)
McLaughlin, Tim (film producer)
McLaughlin, Tim (editor of moving image work)
Ellis, Andrew Michael (film producer)
Ellis, Andrew Michael (editor of moving image work)
Ellis, Andrew Michael (cinematographer)
Storm, Brian (film director)
Storm, Brian (film producer)
Other credits
Director of photography, Andrew Michael Ellis.
Distributor subjects
0; health, psychology, women studies, relationships, sociology, sexuality; Expository; WOKeywords
WEBVTT
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Sexuality,
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for me, it\'s in the spiritual realm.
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Ultimately, it’s how we got onto this planet.
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Reaffirming that we are all
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connected in this human family.
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Can you just tell me who you are
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and what you do?
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So my name?
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Rebecca Torosian, and
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I\'m still trying to figure that out like when I talk to different people
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how to describe what I do.
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Like sometimes I\'m like hmm,
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I\'ll just tell this person like I\'m a mind-body coach
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and if they want to know more they can ask me.
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To somebody else I might say I\'m,
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you know, I am a surrogate partner therapist
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and they can try to imagine what that is.
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So it just depends on who I\'m
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speaking to
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and that\'s still a work in progress, so.
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People contact me
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because they\'re struggling with one of a few problems.
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Premature ejaculation.
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Not being able to get an erection.
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Someone who\'s just never had sex.
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Actual penetration.
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So I get
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emails that say like, helpless, help me,
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you know like all kinds of things in the subject line that are just,
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you know, it\'s heartbreaking sometimes.
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So many people need help.
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And there\'s so little out there
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in terms of below the neck.
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You know, there\'s above the neck and below the neck therapy.
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You know, there\'s above the neck and below the neck therapy. Copy 01
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you got to put it into the physical realm
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to actually make behavior change or have it,
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not make it change, enable it to change.
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When they come to see me,
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it\'s usually I\'d have to say the last place they\'d ever want to be.
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They have to do a leap of faith to really start this process.
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So we have plenty of time to
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accomplish what we need to accomplish today.
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Which is just to, the word accomplish isn’t right.
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It’s just a meet and greet.
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What would you like to see,
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towards the, as we are ending this process?
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I would like to be able to be
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physically passionate with my wife again.
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That would really be the goal.
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You know 5 years with cancer,
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and having the dysfunction because of that
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has led to a lot of,
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I don’t know, I guess certainly anxiety and doubt.
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In terms of like this history, anything you feel like you,
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that would be helpful for me to know?
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My wife and I have been together
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for a long time.
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We started dating in high school
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so it’s been almost 35 years that we’re together
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and for 30 of those years we’ve been physically intimate.
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And all the sudden we’re not.
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And with the exception of when we were,
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when she was 15 years old and we started dating
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and we were just making out,
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you know, everything else really had culminated in some sort of intercourse.
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And now it hasn’t for 5 years
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and there’s the emotional baggage that comes with that
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and if there are ways to get beyond that
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where I would feel more confident in myself,
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that would be incredible if I could walk out of here like that.
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My experience, working with quite a few people with this challenge
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it is definitely possible.
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But when it comes to intimacy and how we relate to each other,
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first of all nonsexually let alone sexually,
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you’ve got to start with, you know,
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being really grounded and in your body
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and aware of what you are actually feeling.
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So at this point what I want to do going to do
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since I’m talking about giving and receiving touch
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is I’m going to break the physical barrier.
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And the way that I’m going to do that is I’m just going to ask you
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to give me a hand massage, that’s it.
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I think he\'s really suffering a lot of loss and grief
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over who he was and who he is today.
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I’m going to close my eyes and enjoy.
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In terms of his lack of mobility his body image all that stuff.
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Ok, I’m going to stop you and I’m going to do the same thing.
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And then dysfunctioning on top of that,
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you know not being able to
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have the satisfying life that he had with his wife.
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I, I\'m here because I want to believe that
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this is going to be successful for me
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but I still have the same recurring doubt of
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whether it\'s physically possible anymore.
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It’s been, it’s been almost 5 years.
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whether it\'s physically possible anymore. Copy 02
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I’d like them to, my mind open I’m willing to you know to
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go along the ride and see if it happens.
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I’m just, I just don’t know if it’s physically possible.
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So.
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We well know by now that we have bodies.
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Two legs, two arms,
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a head and a trunk.
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A small boy knows well enough that he has something else.
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First, a small convenient tube.
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Also he knows he has a little sack
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containing heaven knows what.
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The subject of sex makes most people extremely uncomfortable.
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Nor does he know that these parts of his body
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may one day contribute greatly to his happiness as a man
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or maybe the source of much unhappiness if he fails to grow up
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to his responsibilities as a man.
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The body is shameful,
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the body is only for procreation.
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People crave to be sexual, or to be open about it.
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And yet, they are also extremely fearful about being shunned.
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There’s no sex education,
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no discussion at home, no discussion at school.
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Because of that, then it goes to pornography, which is everywhere.
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And that’s a misrepresentation of intimacy.
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Pornography rewires the brain.
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There\'s actually scientific data on this now.
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The effect of the brain that you can see
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hundreds and thousands of different kinds of images.
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Not that long ago you could only maybe see
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10 naked women in your lifetime.
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It\'s similar to endorphin release.
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Ping.
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Something new.
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This immediate gratification.
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Something new. Copy 01
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Or make those that are happening worse.
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I think the culture is really poisoned.
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I encounter a lot of shame
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and great fear around
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not knowing what they think they’re supposed to know.
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It’s just somehow so innately threatening.
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It’s a sad state of affairs
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when it comes to sexuality in our country.
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And it’s not getting any better.
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Does this work for everybody?
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Does this work for everybody? Copy 01
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No. Copy 01
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I’m working with people who have medical issues. Copy 01
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Now that I\'m convinced that I\'m not going to die from cancer,
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I said this to a bunch of my friends, it\'s not so much
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getting prostate cancer and having it cured,
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And you can put it yeah, there if you want to hang stuff up,
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although your stuff is pretty casual.
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Yeah.
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Cool.
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Yeah. Copy 02
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And just breathe, yeah.
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These sessions start out non sexual,
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so they’re not threatening.
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We sit on a floor on a mat and I just teach them ok,
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close your eyes and touch and describe to me what you’re actually feeling.
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It is a kind of touch education.
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Usually, in sexualized situations, adrenalines going,
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anxiety and arousal can look a lot alike.
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They’re rushing.
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Our culture\'s about get to the goal,
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get to the male orgasm,
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that\'s usually the main focus in sex.
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To slow all that down and look at just where,
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what\'s happening in the moment is radical.
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In the beginning, something learned you got to think about it.
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But then, once you apply it
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over time you might approach touch a little different.
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You know, you can bring yourself back to that if you start
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getting self-conscious or anxious or aroused in a time you don’t want to be
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or feel uncomfortable with...breath.
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Come back to the breath and come back to
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well what is this?
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What do I actually feel?
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It’s cool here, it’s warm here.
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It’s actually simple.
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Like, if I were to give you a book on how to swim
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and talk to you about swimming.
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I mean it seems obvious right? But...
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will you know how to swim? Till you jump in? No.
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It\'s teaching behavior.
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It\'s just that it happens to be in the area of sexuality,
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which is loaded.
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I think if was a purely emotional thing,
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I think it would work really well.
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Counseling and talking and
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calmness and all those things.
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She can probably break through all of those issues.
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The physical barriers as we all acknowledged might be the issue.
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My journey through the years was to really return to the body.
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Whether it\'s as a dancer, as an actor,
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as a therapist, as a body worker.
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It\'s all about the body.
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One of the first experiences that was actually really
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wonderful had to do with sex.
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I was 12.
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And I fell in love.
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We knew we couldn\'t have intercourse,
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but we experimented with pretty much everything else.
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It was so natural.
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As I got older actually
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it felt more artificial.
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I felt like I wasn’t ever going to experience that again.
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That contributed to what I do today.
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I came to New York to dance.
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I\'m going to come and be discovered.
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Of course I had to make a living.
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I started stripping.
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And loved it. Love stripping.
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One night, I was going to do a bachelor party.
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I met a guy who said he was waiting for a bus.
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We started talking.
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And he said let’s go for some coffee.
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I said sure, let\'s go for some coffee.
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I was wearing a short skirt and heels, you know, going to do a show.
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You know, everything was like, don\'t do it.
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I ignore it. I just walk right through it.
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He grabbed my arm.
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I was like, “No, you don\'t have to do this.”
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He grabbed me, put me down behind the dumpster.
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And there’s no way I could have fought him.
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So I submitted.
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I didn\'t feel like a victim.
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I felt that it was a turning point for me.
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I’m more empathetic.
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I can understand the sufferings of another person.
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Because of that, I’m going to turn this poison into medicine.
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I was looking for work and I answered an ad
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in the Village Voice, I think it was,
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which was for this type of work
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which was for this type of work Copy 01
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I started training there
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and a small group of surrogates working with a sex therapist
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in the triadic model.
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So, the patient, the therapist and the surrogate and
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I learned about the problems, I learned how to apply these techniques
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or these exercises to help and this process.
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I saw people getting better and
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I was like wow, this is amazing.
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And I wonder, how many times you had sex?
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And I wonder, do you know who will be next?
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And I wonder,
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My life was changing though and
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I was moving away from doing the work.
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Wonder I do.
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We met
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across the street from my old apartment
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at a bar called The Allstate.
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And six months after that,
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we got married.
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And we’ve been married for
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11 years.
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It’s nice here.
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She explained to me her history.
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She had worked as a sex surrogate.
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The first thing I went to, oh,
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it’s like sex for money or blah, blah, blah.
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You alright?
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What are you looking at?
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I guess at first that I was kind of freaking out.
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But she wasn’t doing the work at the time.
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The fact that she had done it before,
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that was before we met.
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So what?
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Yummy, yummy in my tummy.
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It’s hot.
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Around a year ago or so I
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I started talking to my husband about, you know well,
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you know my story,
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and this is the way that I would
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do this work today,
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what do you think?
00:16:19.876 --> 00:16:23.751
I thought about the patients I guess.
00:16:23.751 --> 00:16:27.751
The suffering they had been going through for their whole lives.
00:16:27.751 --> 00:16:31.125
I saw the value in it.
00:16:31.125 --> 00:16:34.459
He trusts me.
00:16:34.459 --> 00:16:37.334
So, I’m kind of cheating today.
00:16:37.334 --> 00:16:42.420
For me it’s leotard, but you know…
00:16:42.420 --> 00:16:42.959
There you go.
00:16:42.959 --> 00:16:47.000
I’m not really cheating. Sort of.
00:17:09.626 --> 00:17:11.167
Certainly my instinct
00:17:11.167 --> 00:17:13.792
was to kind of, to, to zoom ahead
00:17:13.792 --> 00:17:15.876
and then be somewhere else and…
00:17:15.876 --> 00:17:20.375
Even if you or whomever does nothing else
00:17:20.375 --> 00:17:21.375
this feels good.
00:17:21.375 --> 00:17:24.000
It still feels good to be touched.
00:17:24.000 --> 00:17:27.167
And that’s one of the places I’m emotionally trying to get back to.
00:17:27.167 --> 00:17:28.834
So we’re going to cross the rubicon,
00:17:28.834 --> 00:17:30.584
that means we’re not going back.
00:17:30.584 --> 00:17:32.834
So what we’re going to do is take clothes off.
00:17:32.834 --> 00:17:34.209
You knew that was coming right? Okay.
00:17:34.209 --> 00:17:36.917
So, you know, you see why I didn’t tell you up front.
00:17:40.420 --> 00:17:44.417
Now I’m feeling that you’re a little bit more tense.
00:17:44.417 --> 00:17:46.830
The muscles are…
00:17:46.830 --> 00:17:47.250
Good.
00:17:47.250 --> 00:17:51.420
Flexed. Your arms are definitely cooler.
00:17:51.420 --> 00:17:53.626
Good.
00:17:53.626 --> 00:17:55.375
I’m going to move back and make myself accessible.
00:17:55.375 --> 00:17:56.500
There you go.
00:17:56.500 --> 00:18:01.292
Just touch and, and describe.
00:18:01.292 --> 00:18:02.167
Nice.
00:18:02.167 --> 00:18:03.292
Not nice, no
00:18:03.292 --> 00:18:05.834
No. Nope. No nice. No nice.
00:18:05.834 --> 00:18:07.917
Physiological. Physiological. What does it feel like?
00:18:07.917 --> 00:18:08.876
If you didn’t know what they were?
00:18:08.876 --> 00:18:12.830
It feels soft, it feels smooth.
00:18:12.830 --> 00:18:14.420
Good.
00:18:14.420 --> 00:18:17.876
There’s a somewhat hard point on the end.
00:18:17.876 --> 00:18:23.375
Good. Good. Good. OK. You can keep going, yeah.
00:18:23.375 --> 00:18:26.209
I’ll lean back.
00:18:26.209 --> 00:18:28.751
It’s a little sweaty.
00:18:28.751 --> 00:18:31.959
It feels sweaty ok, yeah.
00:18:31.959 --> 00:18:34.417
It’s definitely getting warmer.
00:18:34.417 --> 00:18:36.459
OK. Keep going.
00:18:36.459 --> 00:18:38.830
What’s that feel like? Keep going.
00:18:38.830 --> 00:18:39.334
I still feel…
00:18:39.334 --> 00:18:40.542
Yeah no, like perceptive.
00:18:40.542 --> 00:18:41.626
Like really feel it. Yeah.
00:18:41.626 --> 00:18:43.420
There you go.
00:18:43.420 --> 00:18:47.959
There’s still like an underlying strength though.
00:18:47.959 --> 00:18:49.667
These muscles are definitely more relaxed
00:18:49.667 --> 00:18:51.209
than the muscles in your back and shoulder.
00:18:51.209 --> 00:18:54.830
Ok. Good.
00:18:54.830 --> 00:18:56.500
Back here they’re certainly tighter.
00:18:56.500 --> 00:18:58.375
I’m going to, I’m going to guide your hands
00:18:58.375 --> 00:18:59.751
so you feel a little bit on the outside here.
00:18:59.751 --> 00:19:02.792
So what does it feel like?
00:19:02.792 --> 00:19:04.167
It’s uh…
00:19:04.167 --> 00:19:05.959
Just describe.
00:19:05.959 --> 00:19:07.334
There’s a softness.
00:19:07.334 --> 00:19:11.667
There’s, it’s a little, little clammy, but not hot.
00:19:11.667 --> 00:19:13.667
Just warm.
00:19:13.667 --> 00:19:15.709
Good. Alright. So…
00:19:15.709 --> 00:19:20.792
Gets wider and
00:19:20.792 --> 00:19:22.751
kind of fuzzy here.
00:19:22.751 --> 00:19:25.334
That’s it. Real quick. Right?
00:19:25.334 --> 00:19:27.626
Not real quick, but that’s the whole point of that.
00:19:27.626 --> 00:19:29.917
So the last thing we’re going to do
00:19:29.917 --> 00:19:31.959
is how we’re going to begin every session.
00:19:31.959 --> 00:19:34.417
And that’s, we always start with the breathing, right?
00:19:34.417 --> 00:19:36.417
So this is in no way different we’re gonna,
00:19:36.417 --> 00:19:38.420
we’re gonna start with the breathing.
00:19:38.420 --> 00:19:39.792
But we’re going to do it in a different way
00:19:39.792 --> 00:19:41.834
and you may have done this with your wife or other girlfriends
00:19:41.834 --> 00:19:44.709
where, you know, you’ve heard of spoon breathing?
00:19:44.709 --> 00:19:48.292
It’s kind of a cultural joke sometimes, “Oh, they’re spooning”.
00:19:55.420 --> 00:19:57.000
Are you comfortable this way? Do you want a pillow?
00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:00.209
No, I’m settling into a comfortable spot.
00:20:00.209 --> 00:20:02.876
Ok I’ll shut up.
00:20:11.667 --> 00:20:14.167
So you can, you can put your clothes on.
00:20:14.167 --> 00:20:14.667
OK.
00:20:14.667 --> 00:20:15.292
I feel like a doctor.
00:20:15.292 --> 00:20:18.417
That’s the only time I feel like a doctor.
00:20:18.417 --> 00:20:21.334
Can this get me far enough along
00:20:21.334 --> 00:20:25.876
myself to be able to perform with somebody else,
00:20:25.876 --> 00:20:27.667
and and I hope it does.
00:20:27.667 --> 00:20:30.209
Like I said, mind is open, I want it to work.
00:20:30.209 --> 00:20:32.917
Um, I don’t know.
00:20:32.917 --> 00:20:35.626
We’ll see.
00:20:44.420 --> 00:20:46.542
Um so yeah could you just tell me what
00:20:46.542 --> 00:20:47.542
what happened with Rob?
00:20:47.542 --> 00:20:50.626
Like what’s the story that happened?
00:20:50.626 --> 00:20:54.830
Yeah so Rob dropped off.
00:20:54.830 --> 00:20:56.375
It’s hard to know what someone\'s thinking, he may have,
00:20:56.375 --> 00:20:59.834
the intimacy of it might have gotten a bit too much.
00:20:59.834 --> 00:21:01.420
That\'s possible.
00:21:01.420 --> 00:21:04.667
I think being on camera, you know, may have been a part of it.
00:21:04.667 --> 00:21:05.709
Absolutely.
00:21:05.709 --> 00:21:07.459
It’s hard enough to show up here
00:21:07.459 --> 00:21:13.792
because I don\'t know if I\'d said this but this is the last place a man,
00:21:13.792 --> 00:21:17.250
a woman, anybody wants to find themselves particularly a man, ever.
00:21:17.250 --> 00:21:20.250
I mean, so they may like me, they make the process is great
00:21:20.250 --> 00:21:23.830
but they don\'t want to have to be in a position where they have to
00:21:23.830 --> 00:21:26.959
come admit and deal with, you know, really
00:21:26.959 --> 00:21:30.542
you know, devastating issues for them as a man. So...
00:21:30.542 --> 00:21:34.751
I admire those who are able to to stick it through and get a lot out of it
00:21:34.751 --> 00:21:38.834
and watch them, you know, participate in their own evolution and change
00:21:38.834 --> 00:21:40.584
around, around this.
00:21:40.584 --> 00:21:45.334
So, I think that\'s probably what happened.
00:22:01.584 --> 00:22:05.792
Whenever you do anything groundbreaking,
00:22:05.792 --> 00:22:09.584
opening up a door,
00:22:09.584 --> 00:22:13.876
you\'re going to have a lot of resistance.
00:22:17.209 --> 00:22:21.000
And I don’t worry about it.
00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:22.876
That just comes with the territory.
00:22:27.125 --> 00:22:31.459
My dream is that there will be an awakening.
00:22:35.876 --> 00:22:39.292
My hope is that I can be a part of
00:22:39.292 --> 00:22:41.209
raising that curtain of awareness.
00:22:43.709 --> 00:22:48.334
To be able to unite with another person,
00:22:48.334 --> 00:22:52.917
that’s a gift.
00:22:54.876 --> 00:22:58.500
It really does come down to being
00:22:58.500 --> 00:23:02.709
more available,
00:23:02.709 --> 00:23:06.209
more at ease,
00:23:06.209 --> 00:23:09.792
more human.