00:01:28.240 --> 00:01:31.880
This island looks like the island
where I grew up in Greece.

00:01:36.480 --> 00:01:38.720
When I left, it wasn't
a departure,

00:01:39.320 --> 00:01:41.120
it was an escape.

00:01:44.280 --> 00:01:48.680
And I left assuming
I'd never return.

00:02:06.520 --> 00:02:10.080
I remember one morning
my father woke me up

00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:14.520
by putting a live seagull
under my bed covers.

00:02:18.160 --> 00:02:20.560
The seagull had fallen
down the chimney

00:02:21.320 --> 00:02:25.520
into the ashes from the
previous night's fire.

00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:30.080
I remember him laughing
like a child

00:02:30.920 --> 00:02:33.640
when he saw me
jump out of bed in fright.

00:02:35.440 --> 00:02:39.040
I remember the cushion
wars among us all.

00:02:41.720 --> 00:02:43.360
I remember the laughter,
the euphoria

00:02:43.440 --> 00:02:44.960
when having been born a girl

00:02:45.080 --> 00:02:48.800
was not yet the danger
of becoming a woman.

00:02:53.440 --> 00:02:56.240
That freedom ended
in my adolescence.

00:02:57.280 --> 00:02:59.480
And the restrictions
started.

00:03:22.080 --> 00:03:26.680
When I left the island,
I thought I'd never return.

00:03:28.040 --> 00:03:31.560
And for many years
I didn't speak my mother tongue.

00:03:33.600 --> 00:03:38.040
I believed that, to forget,
I had to start by forgetting words.

00:03:44.520 --> 00:03:47.960
I'd already been living
in Barcelona for 20 years

00:03:48.200 --> 00:03:53.000
when, one afternoon I got an
unexpected message from a stranger.

00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:56.760
A man who signed as Ernesto
contacted me

00:03:57.760 --> 00:04:02.400
saying he wants to make a
film about his life.

00:04:03.920 --> 00:04:06.320
His email read as follows:

00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:13.160
"I am writing because, regarding
the problem of domestic violence,

00:04:13.840 --> 00:04:15.560
there are always two sides:

00:04:16.280 --> 00:04:18.760
the victim and the abuser.

00:04:20.760 --> 00:04:24.080
I am the abuser.

00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:31.680
After inquiring into
what was happening to me

00:04:32.440 --> 00:04:35.400
and not finding
a convincing explanation,

00:04:36.600 --> 00:04:38.720
I started to do my own research.

00:04:40.560 --> 00:04:42.520
For one particular reason:

00:04:43.880 --> 00:04:47.680
because I didn't consider
myself a bad person,

00:04:48.320 --> 00:04:50.920
even though I did
very bad things.

00:04:53.240 --> 00:04:56.120
And I have written
my version in a novel.

00:04:58.000 --> 00:04:59.720
Perhaps it interests you.

00:05:00.840 --> 00:05:05.000
I'm sure you won't
waste your time

00:05:05.760 --> 00:05:07.600
reading, not excuses,

00:05:08.600 --> 00:05:10.360
but my genuine contribution

00:05:11.520 --> 00:05:13.560
as the bad guy in the story."

00:05:31.560 --> 00:05:33.800
I decided to travel to Tenerife

00:05:34.960 --> 00:05:36.560
to meet Ernesto,

00:05:37.640 --> 00:05:41.600
who was willing to talk about
his own violence.

00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:47.640
There was something about him
that felt familiar.

00:05:49.520 --> 00:05:51.320
And even though I first thought

00:05:51.840 --> 00:05:57.360
this film would be only about him,

00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:02.440
I don't know if his story will ever
be separated from mine anymore.

00:06:29.240 --> 00:06:31.480
I arrived in Ernesto's town.

00:06:32.400 --> 00:06:33.920
I went to his house,

00:06:36.120 --> 00:06:40.480
which he describes as follows
in his novel:

00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:46.880
"It seems that my parents
built this house at night,

00:06:47.240 --> 00:06:48.320
on the sly,

00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:52.800
since they didn't think of
building it to enjoy it,

00:06:53.880 --> 00:06:55.640
but just to shelter themselves.

00:07:01.200 --> 00:07:06.440
It even seems that they had to ask
permission from their fear

00:07:06.760 --> 00:07:08.080
to be able to build

00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:10.480
only 50 square meters

00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:12.200
in one corner,

00:07:13.240 --> 00:07:16.040
abandoning the rest
to the weeds.

00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:23.600
This house has no pillars

00:07:25.080 --> 00:07:29.080
and it gets drenched
every time it rains.

00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:33.960
The views from here are beautiful.

00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:37.920
But you have to go outside
to see them

00:07:39.200 --> 00:07:42.000
because the windows
don't face the sea.

00:07:44.040 --> 00:07:46.840
You can't see the horizon
from inside."

00:08:00.940 --> 00:08:05.320
Is it OK here?
I'll try to manage from here

00:08:24.080 --> 00:08:25.360
This is my house.

00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:29.080
As you can see, it looks like
an abandoned house,

00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:31.760
but a family used to live here.

00:08:32.120 --> 00:08:33.960
My parents and I lived there.

00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:38.280
The windows are broken because
my father used to break them.

00:08:38.800 --> 00:08:41.600
He would break the windows
from inside.

00:08:44.120 --> 00:08:46.120
When he couldn't hit my mother,

00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:47.920
he'd break the windows.

00:08:55.160 --> 00:08:57.480
This is me doing
my first communion.

00:08:58.520 --> 00:09:01.520
This reminds me of when
I was with my mother

00:09:01.760 --> 00:09:03.520
and people asked me

00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.800
what I wanted to be when I grew up.

00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.680
My mother would respond before me,

00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:12.680
saying I'd a priest.

00:09:13.680 --> 00:09:15.360
But I'd always say:

00:09:15.600 --> 00:09:19.200
"No, I want to be
a heart surgeon, not a priest."

00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:26.120
And this photograph

00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:29.840
is one of the few times
I saw my mother smiling,

00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:31.720
laughing, happy

00:09:32.440 --> 00:09:33.680
in her life.

00:09:34.880 --> 00:09:39.160
It was during the Saint Isidore
pilgrimage, which is in May.

00:09:40.160 --> 00:09:41.760
And she died in November,

00:09:42.520 --> 00:09:45.200
exactly six months later.

00:09:52.160 --> 00:09:53.560
She was affectionate.

00:09:55.320 --> 00:09:59.200
She was very loving with me
at Christmas.

00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:02.520
At Christmas, she never got angry
with me.

00:10:06.400 --> 00:10:09.360
And at Christmas there was always
a present for him.

00:10:10.360 --> 00:10:13.040
Even if it was just a small,
cheap toy car.

00:10:14.800 --> 00:10:18.320
When he was 13,
she gave him a guitar.

00:10:20.800 --> 00:10:23.560
That was the only day that,
along with the gift,

00:10:23.760 --> 00:10:25.080
she'd give him a kiss.

00:10:30.400 --> 00:10:33.320
A kiss is a memory of two people,

00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:39.440
and I don't remember my
father ever kissing me.

00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:43.240
Not because he didn't want to,

00:10:43.560 --> 00:10:45.720
but because he didn't know how.

00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:49.160
He was embarrassed about kissing.

00:10:50.840 --> 00:10:53.200
He didn't know how or when
to approach me

00:10:54.040 --> 00:10:55.840
and place his lips on me.

00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:02.240
And so, I let myself be carried
away by Ernesto

00:11:02.800 --> 00:11:05.680
to the land where kisses
are not given.

00:11:47.720 --> 00:11:49.720
I have a little house.

00:11:50.560 --> 00:11:52.400
full of beautiful things,

00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:55.200
it also has little leaks,

00:11:56.160 --> 00:11:58.280
a table, cauldrons and a little bed.

00:11:58.600 --> 00:12:00.520
And I ask why,

00:12:00.840 --> 00:12:03.560
why do I get get angry?

00:12:09.480 --> 00:12:10.880
I have a little job

00:12:12.120 --> 00:12:14.040
With a little salary

00:12:14.600 --> 00:12:17.040
I can move up two little places

00:12:17.880 --> 00:12:19.400
and be the little boss.

00:12:19.720 --> 00:12:21.640
And I ask why,

00:12:21.880 --> 00:12:24.640
why do I get angry?

00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:32.040
I grew up with the traditional
music of Crete,

00:12:33.880 --> 00:12:35.320
and there came a time

00:12:35.880 --> 00:12:39.240
when I wanted
to play that music too.

00:12:39.720 --> 00:12:41.040
I asked for a lyre.

00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:46.000
I remember my father was horrified,

00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:50.240
because that instrument
was only played by men.

00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:53.720
After many tears,

00:12:54.880 --> 00:12:56.160
a few days later,

00:12:56.680 --> 00:12:58.520
my father brought me a gift:

00:12:59.960 --> 00:13:01.680
a miniature lyre,

00:13:02.800 --> 00:13:05.200
one of those
they sell for key rings.

00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:09.440
I felt disappointed.

00:13:11.320 --> 00:13:13.560
I felt that my father had belittled

00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:16.120
and trivialized my desire.

00:13:18.400 --> 00:13:20.760
But I hung that mute lyre
on the wall

00:13:21.520 --> 00:13:22.640
beside my bed

00:13:23.880 --> 00:13:27.880
as a trophy of a first lost battle.

00:13:35.320 --> 00:13:38.280
I am your man. I'm your man.

00:13:38.920 --> 00:13:41.080
- You are my man, OK.
- Yeah, of course.

00:13:43.360 --> 00:13:44.680
I am a gentleman.

00:13:45.080 --> 00:13:46.680
I am a nice man.

00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:49.440
A gentleman.

00:13:49.880 --> 00:13:51.360
A great gentleman.

00:13:56.280 --> 00:13:57.520
This is Juliane,

00:13:58.800 --> 00:14:00.280
Ernesto's partner.

00:14:02.920 --> 00:14:07.280
The only condition Ernesto set
to participate in this film

00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:12.240
was that she be there
with him at all times.

00:14:19.360 --> 00:14:20.920
They have an agreement:

00:14:22.560 --> 00:14:27.840
when Ernesto falls into crisis,
she has to go home.

00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:33.240
Ernesto has also
explained to her that

00:14:33.480 --> 00:14:37.160
if one day she sees in his face
a man she doesn't recognize,

00:14:38.360 --> 00:14:44.200
she must quickly lock
the kitchen knives in a cupboard.

00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:47.040
And then she has to hurry out,

00:14:47.960 --> 00:14:50.880
leaving the front door ajar

00:14:51.520 --> 00:14:53.320
so that he can watch her

00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:55.600
as she walks away.

00:14:59.680 --> 00:15:02.680
But it's also true that often

00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:04.320
at night,

00:15:04.880 --> 00:15:06.720
while Ernesto
cried in anguish,

00:15:07.480 --> 00:15:10.600
Juliane hugged him
and rocked him

00:15:11.760 --> 00:15:15.880
until they both
fell asleep, exhausted.

00:15:48.560 --> 00:15:53.200
Do you remember what your reaction
was when I told you my problem?

00:15:53.640 --> 00:15:55.240
At first I didn't believe you.

00:15:55.360 --> 00:15:56.280
Why?

00:15:56.600 --> 00:16:00.240
Because you don't give me
this feeling,

00:16:00.440 --> 00:16:05.360
that you are really sick like this,
but you told me everything.

00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:08.040
The first time I didn't believe you.

00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:13.840
I know it's bad because it happened
in my life too.

00:16:14.040 --> 00:16:18.960
I told you my father beat me up
and my first husband beat me up

00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:20.360
So I know.

00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:23.760
There are men that do this.

00:16:23.760 --> 00:16:27.000
And what do you think now
that you know me?

00:16:27.800 --> 00:16:29.400
Of these people.

00:16:31.160 --> 00:16:33.280
Not of me, of these people.

00:16:34.800 --> 00:16:38.960
They don't have to cross my life,
to come into my life anymore.

00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:42.200
I think... when you told me
you beat women up

00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:48.600
I was thinking, if you beat me up
once, I'll turn around, I'll leave.

00:16:51.880 --> 00:16:55.080
What do you think our future is?

00:16:57.360 --> 00:17:02.280
I don't think that... We were saying
that we don't have a future,

00:17:02.320 --> 00:17:06.240
we have a special relationship
because due to your sickness,

00:17:06.760 --> 00:17:08.600
we can't have a future.

00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:16.000
Sometimes you wake up, get up,
"Fucking dreams!"

00:17:16.500 --> 00:17:21.960
and you tell me what I have to do:
get out of bed, put my dress on

00:17:22.700 --> 00:17:23.640
and leave quietly.

00:17:24.900 --> 00:17:28.640
And one day later, you write me
on Whatsapp

00:17:29.500 --> 00:17:32.360
and I come back, we talk about this
again

00:17:33.300 --> 00:17:34.840
and we try to find out

00:17:35.900 --> 00:17:38.200
the best way for me and for you

00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:41.440
so that I won't get hurt, right?

00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:46.800
After meeting you, I am happier.

00:17:47.360 --> 00:17:49.000
Yes, I found out
that you smile more.

00:17:49.780 --> 00:17:52.520
When I met you, I was thinking that
I never see you smiling

00:17:52.520 --> 00:17:55.600
and then I remembered
that time

00:17:55.600 --> 00:18:00.040
it took us three hours
to hang up the TV.

00:18:05.760 --> 00:18:08.320
What a laugh, when
the cable was hanging

00:18:08.320 --> 00:18:10.200
from the TV to the antenna.

00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:13.040
Can you kiss me, please?

00:18:14.320 --> 00:18:15.560
It's my wish.

00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:17.480
OK.

00:18:18.320 --> 00:18:20.120
Your wish is my command.

00:19:46.760 --> 00:19:50.280
Eat it a bit more eagerly.

00:20:34.360 --> 00:20:37.640
I know two things that
can make me feel free:

00:20:40.240 --> 00:20:41.360
running away

00:20:42.560 --> 00:20:43.640
and acting.

00:20:48.360 --> 00:20:51.640
I discovered it when I was
in the school theater group.

00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:54.960
We rehearsed in a space

00:20:55.160 --> 00:20:59.960
that used to be a dock where
ships were made and repaired,

00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:02.200
an arsenal.

00:21:09.000 --> 00:21:11.200
On the day of the general rehearsal,

00:21:11.480 --> 00:21:14.720
my father, who knew
nothing about it,

00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:18.000
found out I was participating

00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:21.560
and locked me up in the house.

00:21:31.560 --> 00:21:33.640
When I heard his car drive away,

00:21:34.440 --> 00:21:36.960
I leaned out of a window
and jumped out.

00:21:41.040 --> 00:21:42.480
I landed on my wrist,

00:21:43.160 --> 00:21:45.280
and it started to hurt and swell.

00:21:46.640 --> 00:21:49.680
I got up and started walking.

00:21:53.280 --> 00:21:56.960
As I walked, I bit my lips hard,

00:21:58.240 --> 00:21:59.600
thinking that a pain

00:22:00.320 --> 00:22:04.680
could only be eased
by another more intense pain.

00:22:13.440 --> 00:22:16.400
The next day, we premiered the play

00:22:17.480 --> 00:22:20.880
and my mother and uncle
came to see it.

00:22:22.640 --> 00:22:25.040
My role was controversial:

00:22:25.880 --> 00:22:27.480
a woman who lives alone

00:22:28.360 --> 00:22:31.600
playing the guitar
and singing to her lovers.

00:22:33.360 --> 00:22:35.640
For me, she was a passionate woman,

00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:39.520
and that's how I experienced
the performance.

00:22:43.440 --> 00:22:46.640
I came down from the stage
feeling a breath of life,

00:22:46.840 --> 00:22:49.480
my blood tingling in my cheeks.

00:22:51.560 --> 00:22:54.280
My mother tried to congratulate me

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:57.080
but she couldn't find the words.

00:22:57.600 --> 00:23:00.400
She looked down,
somewhat embarrassed.

00:23:06.800 --> 00:23:10.040
My uncle told me that
I had done very well,

00:23:10.760 --> 00:23:12.040
that I was very good

00:23:13.920 --> 00:23:15.160
at playing a whore.

00:23:23.760 --> 00:23:26.160
Of the two things
that gave me freedom,

00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:28.800
I was left with one.

00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:34.160
Because I haven't acted since then.

00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:39.840
Since then, I just run away.

00:23:57.760 --> 00:23:58.680
...only to go to school

00:23:58.680 --> 00:24:01.920
as if school were the most
important thing in life.

00:24:03.840 --> 00:24:06.080
Maybe I needed a hug from her...

00:24:06.360 --> 00:24:09.280
Ernesto wanted me
to make a fiction film

00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:11.880
inspired by his life.

00:24:14.760 --> 00:24:16.000
I didn't want that.

00:24:17.360 --> 00:24:19.240
I just wanted to listen to him,

00:24:20.600 --> 00:24:22.440
to see him contradict himself

00:24:22.840 --> 00:24:23.840
and transform.

00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:29.880
I selected scenes from his novel,

00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:31.480
from his past,

00:24:32.480 --> 00:24:34.840
and I asked him
to reenact them for me.

00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:41.920
Where are you?

00:24:43.680 --> 00:24:45.040
I'm under the fig tree,

00:24:46.080 --> 00:24:47.000
with my mother,

00:24:47.120 --> 00:24:50.440
because my father has just
forced us out at knifepoint.

00:24:51.640 --> 00:24:53.520
And how are you?
Is she hugging you?

00:24:54.120 --> 00:24:55.120
Yes, with a blanket.

00:24:55.280 --> 00:24:56.840
We have a blanket over us

00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:01.320
and she's hugging me under it.

00:25:02.760 --> 00:25:04.520
She's cuddling me next to her,

00:25:04.520 --> 00:25:06.800
so that the mosquitoes
won't hurt me.

00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:08.640
But the mosquitoes bite me.

00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:15.000
The blanket my mother took
as we ran out of the house

00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:17.280
was small.

00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:23.680
"Leave the house or I'll kill you!"

00:25:24.680 --> 00:25:26.160
So my mother, rather than dying,

00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:30.560
preferred to leave the house
and sleep under the fig tree.

00:25:33.040 --> 00:25:34.720
If my father came home drunk,

00:25:36.680 --> 00:25:38.080
he'd always threaten her:

00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:40.520
"Leave the house or I'll kill you."

00:25:42.680 --> 00:25:46.760
When my father fell asleep,
my mother would open the door.

00:25:47.160 --> 00:25:51.600
We'd go back in and,
in silence, we'd go to bed.

00:25:51.960 --> 00:25:54.520
This was at 4 or 5 in the morning.

00:25:55.440 --> 00:25:57.320
I slept in my mother's bed with her

00:25:58.840 --> 00:26:02.240
until we got up the morning,
when she had to go to work

00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:04.240
and I had to go to school.

00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:16.560
Time to sleep!

00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:34.960
Ernesto, get up. Come on.

00:26:35.840 --> 00:26:37.480
You have to go to school.

00:26:38.360 --> 00:26:39.800
Get up, I said!

00:26:42.320 --> 00:26:44.800
Either you get up
or I'll slap you up!

00:26:45.120 --> 00:26:46.400
Come on, get up.

00:26:47.720 --> 00:26:49.400
Come on,
so that you can go to school.

00:26:49.640 --> 00:26:52.000
Eat your breakfast.
It's on the table.

00:26:55.240 --> 00:26:56.560
Come on, let's go.

00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:01.240
Come on, let's go.

00:27:10.960 --> 00:27:14.320
Then, when I was 14,
I was already big, tall.

00:27:14.840 --> 00:27:16.760
And I once confronted him.

00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:20.840
He wanted
to kill my mother with a knife.

00:27:21.080 --> 00:27:23.600
As always,
he forced us out and so on.

00:27:23.840 --> 00:27:25.640
So I punched my father.

00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:31.720
And he was shocked that I'd do that.

00:27:33.560 --> 00:27:35.200
"Oh! Bad son, who beats..."

00:27:35.200 --> 00:27:38.320
I believe this was the only time
he spoke directly to me.

00:27:38.560 --> 00:27:41.800
"Bad son, you beat your father!",
and this and that...

00:27:42.520 --> 00:27:43.440
"You're a bad son!"

00:27:43.840 --> 00:27:46.400
I said: "You're a bad father,
who beats my mother

00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:48.680
and kicks me out on the street."

00:27:49.920 --> 00:27:55.000
From then on, he never threatened
my mother with a knife again.

00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:59.120
Because he knew that I was big
and could stand up to him.

00:28:00.920 --> 00:28:03.880
From then on, he never kicked
my mother out of the house,

00:28:04.120 --> 00:28:05.120
and me neither.

00:28:06.440 --> 00:28:07.320
I think that was

00:28:07.560 --> 00:28:10.040
the only conversation
both of us ever had

00:28:10.600 --> 00:28:11.920
as father and son.

00:28:13.280 --> 00:28:14.480
Just that conversation.

00:28:15.400 --> 00:28:16.400
I don't remember

00:28:16.400 --> 00:28:18.960
any other conversation
between father and son

00:28:20.320 --> 00:28:21.680
about anything.

00:28:40.400 --> 00:28:41.680
I was about 8.

00:28:44.080 --> 00:28:48.560
That day I started crying
inconsolably for no reason.

00:28:52.000 --> 00:28:57.800
I felt my body remembering a pain
I had not yet experienced.

00:29:01.680 --> 00:29:05.480
My mother came and sat next to me.

00:29:07.040 --> 00:29:12.480
I don't even know where I got
the word "emptiness" but I used it.

00:29:14.320 --> 00:29:17.440
She just said "yes".

00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:25.160
When I was 14,

00:29:25.800 --> 00:29:28.560
I remember a visit
by a man and his mother,

00:29:29.480 --> 00:29:31.520
who came to ask for "my hand".

00:29:34.880 --> 00:29:36.600
I hid in my room

00:29:37.520 --> 00:29:39.840
and, from there,
I heard him insist

00:29:40.200 --> 00:29:44.840
that I leave school and
work in his supermarket.

00:29:47.240 --> 00:29:50.400
My parents argued loudly that night.

00:29:52.280 --> 00:29:55.200
My mother,
who had me when she was 16,

00:29:56.400 --> 00:29:59.320
objected to my marriage.

00:30:03.080 --> 00:30:05.640
Was that the emptiness
I had foreboded?

00:30:10.120 --> 00:30:12.600
Since I left
the house where I grew up,

00:30:13.200 --> 00:30:14.560
many years ago,

00:30:15.280 --> 00:30:16.920
I've always been in transit.

00:30:19.720 --> 00:30:21.480
I speak to that emptiness

00:30:21.720 --> 00:30:23.200
so that it can respond,

00:30:25.400 --> 00:30:26.800
so that it can open up

00:30:27.280 --> 00:30:28.880
and show me its place.

00:31:34.320 --> 00:31:38.240
There is something
we islanders have in common,

00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:44.080
something like water for the rain,

00:31:44.840 --> 00:31:46.040
the wind,

00:31:46.520 --> 00:31:47.200
and death.

00:31:50.120 --> 00:31:51.920
I don't know what to call it,

00:31:52.920 --> 00:31:53.960
but an image

00:31:54.600 --> 00:31:55.640
comes to my mind.

00:31:59.480 --> 00:32:01.320
It's a whirlpool.

00:32:01.800 --> 00:32:02.800
It' there,

00:32:03.760 --> 00:32:05.720
on the island where I was born,

00:32:06.960 --> 00:32:10.200
at the curve on the road
that leads to my village.

00:32:13.200 --> 00:32:16.400
As a child,
when we drove past it,

00:32:17.160 --> 00:32:19.080
I would stretch my neck
to see it.

00:32:19.960 --> 00:32:21.960
And for a few brief moments,

00:32:22.080 --> 00:32:26.600
I imagined that spiral as a
creature with two mouths.

00:32:28.680 --> 00:32:31.000
And I wanted to go into its throat

00:32:31.800 --> 00:32:33.840
to find out where it would lead

00:32:34.280 --> 00:32:37.720
and who was watching
from the other side.

00:32:41.960 --> 00:32:44.000
Could this be the other side?

00:33:21.960 --> 00:33:24.120
I decided to look for three actors.

00:33:25.040 --> 00:33:28.000
And I proposed Ernesto
to direct them

00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:31.520
performing a scene from his novel.

00:33:34.120 --> 00:33:36.520
I felt that
he was looking for a space

00:33:36.920 --> 00:33:38.760
where he could review the past

00:33:39.320 --> 00:33:41.600
and look at himself from outside.

00:33:46.560 --> 00:33:48.440
- Hi, Tony.
- Hi, Ernesto.

00:33:48.680 --> 00:33:50.240
- How are you?
- Good.

00:33:51.240 --> 00:33:52.480
I'm here preparing a little

00:33:53.600 --> 00:33:55.400
the scene that comes next.

00:33:56.480 --> 00:33:57.640
Ah, in the script.

00:33:57.880 --> 00:33:58.640
Yes.

00:33:59.440 --> 00:34:01.640
I had a couple of questions
if you don't mind.

00:34:01.880 --> 00:34:04.720
Mostly so that I can
prepare the character well.

00:34:05.440 --> 00:34:06.880
Where am I coming from?

00:34:07.440 --> 00:34:08.840
Where was I just before this scene?

00:34:09.440 --> 00:34:10.560
Where was I?

00:34:10.760 --> 00:34:13.520
I was in the psychiatric hospital
for a week

00:34:13.520 --> 00:34:16.200
because I'd tried
to kill my wife and kid.

00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:19.040
-The same woman from this scene?
-Yes.

00:34:20.320 --> 00:34:22.160
How did you try to kill your wife?

00:34:22.880 --> 00:34:26.920
With a knife, as it was the same way
my father would threaten my mother.

00:34:27.800 --> 00:34:31.000
He'd always threaten
to kill her with a knife.

00:34:32.520 --> 00:34:34.440
I went to the kitchen,
I grabbed a knife,

00:34:35.040 --> 00:34:37.840
and when she saw me,
she locked herself in our room.

00:34:38.480 --> 00:34:41.480
I tried kicking the door open,

00:34:41.920 --> 00:34:43.480
but it was a strong door.

00:34:44.480 --> 00:34:46.240
I didn't manage to open it.

00:34:47.960 --> 00:34:49.880
- Who the fuck are you looking at?
- No one.

00:34:50.360 --> 00:34:51.280
- No one?
- No.

00:34:52.880 --> 00:34:54.640
Who the fuck do you think you are?

00:34:56.240 --> 00:34:59.280
I bet you'd dressed better
for the guy you're looking at.

00:34:59.520 --> 00:35:00.480
No.

00:35:01.080 --> 00:35:04.280
You danced better with
the other guy before me, didn't you?

00:35:04.520 --> 00:35:07.200
- Because you loved him more than me?
- No.

00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:10.560
"I'd kill you!"

00:35:10.800 --> 00:35:14.040
Do you understand? But without
harming her with your hand.

00:35:15.480 --> 00:35:18.840
"If it weren't for... I'd killed you
right now, you filthy bitch."

00:35:19.840 --> 00:35:21.560
- Pardon me.
- Don't worry.

00:35:22.240 --> 00:35:25.080
Does she react to this or
does she simply bow her head?

00:35:25.320 --> 00:35:26.800
She bows her head and...

00:35:27.480 --> 00:35:30.680
And that's when
he slaps her face and they leave.

00:35:31.240 --> 00:35:32.240
"Let's go!"

00:35:32.720 --> 00:35:34.240
"Let's get out of here!"

00:35:35.160 --> 00:35:36.360
Do I always blame her?

00:35:36.800 --> 00:35:39.200
- Not the guy she was looking at?
- No, blame her.

00:35:39.600 --> 00:35:42.720
Because the rage comes, in a way

00:35:43.320 --> 00:35:46.560
because she slept with someone else
before she met me.

00:35:47.640 --> 00:35:50.240
- Before going out with him?
- Exactly.

00:35:51.440 --> 00:35:52.560
So then,

00:35:53.560 --> 00:35:56.160
according to Catholicism,

00:35:56.800 --> 00:35:59.160
you're a filthy whore.

00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:02.840
- So, there's no regret.
- No, no.

00:36:03.080 --> 00:36:05.240
- Until they leave...
- None.

00:36:06.160 --> 00:36:08.960
So, I have no moment of reflection
throughout the scene?

00:36:09.120 --> 00:36:10.080
No.

00:36:10.640 --> 00:36:12.520
You always go in crescendo,

00:36:13.120 --> 00:36:14.760
your hate towards her.

00:36:15.920 --> 00:36:17.400
There was a slap at the end,

00:36:17.880 --> 00:36:19.320
when they were leaving.

00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:20.760
"Let's go!"

00:36:21.400 --> 00:36:24.240
He slaps her when he calls her a
"filthy whore".

00:36:25.280 --> 00:36:27.400
- I'd slap her.
- How hard?

00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:29.840
Could you hit me here?

00:36:31.840 --> 00:36:33.600
- Like this, not more?
- No.

00:36:34.200 --> 00:36:35.320
Show me.

00:36:37.680 --> 00:36:39.760
With just that, she'd cry.

00:36:40.760 --> 00:36:43.120
She was more afraid of the threat.

00:36:44.040 --> 00:36:46.920
Not of the action that
I was doing at that moment,

00:36:47.200 --> 00:36:48.840
but of the threat.

00:36:50.040 --> 00:36:52.160
On the way, in the car,

00:36:53.240 --> 00:36:56.480
I was insulting her,
scorning her, threatening her.

00:36:57.560 --> 00:37:00.280
But when we got home
she'd go into the room and cry.

00:37:01.040 --> 00:37:02.760
And I'd stay on the couch
watching TV.

00:37:03.680 --> 00:37:05.320
And I'd probably
go back to the disco

00:37:05.960 --> 00:37:09.200
to look for another woman
to have sex with.

00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:13.000
- And if you weren't successful?
- I'd rape her.

00:37:14.400 --> 00:37:15.480
And... how...

00:37:15.480 --> 00:37:18.440
- How did she experience the rape?
- With fear.

00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:21.240
- She cried?
- She cried in fear.

00:37:21.920 --> 00:37:24.480
- Did she scream or say something?
- No, no.

00:37:24.960 --> 00:37:25.840
She knew

00:37:25.840 --> 00:37:28.600
what I would do if I wanted sex,

00:37:28.840 --> 00:37:30.800
so she didn't resist

00:37:31.200 --> 00:37:33.280
out of fear
that it could get worse,

00:37:34.200 --> 00:37:36.400
that the fight would escalate.

00:37:37.560 --> 00:37:42.280
And the sex was always...
Did you like it to be rough or wild?

00:37:42.520 --> 00:37:45.520
No, no, no...
I wasn't very good in bed.

00:37:46.200 --> 00:37:48.440
I had premature ejaculation.

00:37:48.920 --> 00:37:51.600
When you have
premature ejaculation,

00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:54.040
you can't have rough sex.

00:37:54.520 --> 00:37:56.880
Did you ever feel guilt or...

00:37:57.680 --> 00:37:59.160
feel bad about it?

00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:02.600
I felt bad when the crisis was over.

00:38:03.240 --> 00:38:04.840
Then, I asked for her forgiveness,

00:38:05.480 --> 00:38:07.160
"Forgive me for what I did to you"

00:38:07.600 --> 00:38:09.680
"It won't happen again..."

00:38:10.200 --> 00:38:11.560
"The alcohol..."

00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:16.360
I'd always blame
alcohol, my childhood...

00:38:17.120 --> 00:38:19.600
Did you really mean it when
you were apologizing?

00:38:20.080 --> 00:38:20.920
Yes.

00:38:21.200 --> 00:38:23.200
- Was it out of fear of loosing her?

00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:25.880
Maybe it was
the fear of being left alone?

00:38:26.040 --> 00:38:29.600
Just as I was sincere
when I was telling you I'd kill you,

00:38:30.920 --> 00:38:31.520
I was sincere

00:38:31.640 --> 00:38:32.880
when I apologized.

00:38:35.080 --> 00:38:36.560
The woman I married,

00:38:37.440 --> 00:38:39.440
I left her at home
when I went to work.

00:38:39.680 --> 00:38:42.080
After closing the door,
I'd put a match

00:38:43.360 --> 00:38:44.920
standing up in front of the door

00:38:46.120 --> 00:38:47.880
to check if she'd been out.

00:38:49.360 --> 00:38:50.800
When I came back from work

00:38:51.040 --> 00:38:52.640
the match was still there.

00:38:53.360 --> 00:38:54.080
But imagine

00:38:54.160 --> 00:38:57.240
if the match had been
knocked over by a breeze...

00:38:58.840 --> 00:39:01.040
I don't know...
I would have killed her.

00:39:01.800 --> 00:39:04.960
Did you ever need to erase the
memory, to feel better?

00:39:05.800 --> 00:39:07.000
That can't be erased.

00:39:08.040 --> 00:39:09.160
That can't be erased.

00:39:33.240 --> 00:39:34.440
My mother,

00:39:34.720 --> 00:39:37.080
shortly before she
married my father,

00:39:37.920 --> 00:39:40.120
tried to end
their relationship.

00:39:42.200 --> 00:39:43.960
And I don't know how I know this,

00:39:44.520 --> 00:39:47.560
but he tried to commit suicide

00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:49.720
by jumping into the river.

00:39:52.040 --> 00:39:53.400
It's a shallow river,

00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:55.760
with little water and rocks.

00:39:57.400 --> 00:40:02.440
Over it, a few meters up,
there's a bridge crossed by a road.

00:40:05.880 --> 00:40:07.320
He jumped from there,

00:40:08.800 --> 00:40:10.280
but he didn't die.

00:40:10.960 --> 00:40:14.760
He hurt
his shoulder and some ribs.

00:40:19.320 --> 00:40:21.600
My mother visited him
at the hospital

00:40:22.680 --> 00:40:25.080
and there they decided
to get married.

00:40:56.200 --> 00:40:59.920
In my family, we have a
weak spot in common:

00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:02.000
our lungs.

00:41:04.280 --> 00:41:08.240
We have repeated deaths
by suffocation.

00:41:12.960 --> 00:41:16.560
My mother's
middle and index fingers

00:41:17.240 --> 00:41:18.840
are shorter than normal.

00:41:21.520 --> 00:41:26.080
She says the missing length
was taken by her twin brother.

00:41:27.680 --> 00:41:30.200
I never knew him.

00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:33.920
He died before he was
a month old.

00:41:37.760 --> 00:41:41.600
That day my grandmother
had to work picking grapes

00:41:42.120 --> 00:41:45.880
and she left my mother and her twin
with a friend of hers.

00:41:48.440 --> 00:41:50.200
She had to look after them

00:41:50.320 --> 00:41:52.960
and bottle feed them.

00:41:54.720 --> 00:41:56.520
But when it was his turn,

00:41:57.160 --> 00:41:59.160
he apparently
choked on the milk.

00:42:00.520 --> 00:42:04.040
And before she noticed,
he wasn't breathing anymore.

00:42:12.200 --> 00:42:15.360
When my grandmother returned,
she found them alone,

00:42:16.400 --> 00:42:19.720
one alive and the other dead.

00:42:25.120 --> 00:42:30.160
Her friend couldn't bear it
and she left the village.

00:42:32.600 --> 00:42:34.920
No one heard from her again.

00:43:01.560 --> 00:43:03.040
I was jealous of my son

00:43:03.280 --> 00:43:06.080
because I thought
she loved him more than me.

00:43:07.360 --> 00:43:10.280
She paid more attention
to the child than to me.

00:43:10.520 --> 00:43:14.560
But I was lucky because,
when he was about six months old,

00:43:14.760 --> 00:43:16.600
I left Tenerife.

00:43:17.040 --> 00:43:19.560
I came to the peninsula
thinking that,

00:43:19.800 --> 00:43:23.520
by leaving behind
my bad childhood in Tenerife,

00:43:25.880 --> 00:43:27.080
I would change

00:43:27.800 --> 00:43:33.120
and that soon I would soon
return to get her and my son.

00:43:39.120 --> 00:43:41.680
When I came back,
I wanted to see my son.

00:43:43.320 --> 00:43:45.240
I already knew I had a problem

00:43:45.280 --> 00:43:47.000
but when I saw the child,

00:43:47.240 --> 00:43:52.320
I saw him
well dressed, very calm...

00:43:54.880 --> 00:43:58.320
Because I thought that I had
copied this from my father,

00:43:58.560 --> 00:44:01.480
I was afraid
my son would copy me,

00:44:01.920 --> 00:44:03.800
that he'd turn out like me.

00:44:07.080 --> 00:44:10.880
I talked to her and said:
"Look, don't ask me for anything.

00:44:11.120 --> 00:44:13.800
Don't ask me
for money, or anything.

00:44:14.120 --> 00:44:17.160
Because if you do,
I'll have to be close to you.

00:44:18.200 --> 00:44:19.440
And I walk away.

00:44:20.200 --> 00:44:21.720
forever from this child."

00:44:36.360 --> 00:44:39.600
He must be thirty-eight by now.

00:44:42.360 --> 00:44:44.280
I've never seen him since.

00:45:07.200 --> 00:45:11.360
When I decided to walk away
from this child forever...

00:45:12.280 --> 00:45:16.560
I think it's the wisest decision
I've ever made in my life.

00:45:53.440 --> 00:45:55.480
I'm trying to find the solution

00:45:55.720 --> 00:45:57.640
with some therapies that I do

00:45:58.760 --> 00:46:01.240
at night listening to a tape

00:46:02.760 --> 00:46:04.080
that I record myself.

00:46:04.680 --> 00:46:08.840
And on that tape I say
to myself: "repeat this."

00:46:09.680 --> 00:46:11.800
And I repeat
a sentence to myself.

00:46:12.520 --> 00:46:15.400
If someone does something bad
to me in a dream,

00:46:15.640 --> 00:46:17.040
I wake up feeling bad.

00:46:17.280 --> 00:46:20.880
If someone does something
good to me, I wake up feeling good.

00:46:21.040 --> 00:46:23.680
So, you're trying
to only have good dreams.

00:46:23.920 --> 00:46:26.040
Exactly.
What I'm trying to achieve

00:46:26.280 --> 00:46:30.640
is that my dreams are always good
so that I wake up well.

00:46:30.920 --> 00:46:31.920
Always.

00:46:32.120 --> 00:46:34.880
This would be the solution for me.

00:46:47.480 --> 00:46:50.800
Ernesto, whenever you sleep,

00:46:50.800 --> 00:46:56.040
only make up stories
where no one is guilty

00:46:56.520 --> 00:46:59.480
in your dreams.

00:47:01.880 --> 00:47:05.200
Ernesto, whenever you sleep,

00:47:05.800 --> 00:47:10.000
only make up stories
where no one is guilty.

00:47:10.960 --> 00:47:13.760
in your dreams.

00:47:17.000 --> 00:47:21.240
Only make up stories
where no one is guilty,

00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:23.880
in your dreams.

00:47:28.440 --> 00:47:31.840
Ernesto was baptized
as Juan Ernesto.

00:47:32.800 --> 00:47:36.040
And he said
he had a split personality.

00:47:37.600 --> 00:47:40.200
He gave
the other his first name

00:47:40.920 --> 00:47:43.320
and he kept his middle name.

00:47:44.600 --> 00:47:47.200
Juan was the one
who fell into crisis

00:47:47.880 --> 00:47:49.800
when jealousy
took over him.

00:48:00.320 --> 00:48:03.040
Ernesto told me
a dream of his

00:48:03.360 --> 00:48:05.880
in which he was driving
along a road

00:48:06.840 --> 00:48:08.760
and he would find Juan there.

00:48:23.960 --> 00:48:26.640
I often used to dream
about homeless people

00:48:27.760 --> 00:48:29.760
when I ended a relationship,

00:48:30.600 --> 00:48:32.280
or when a man left me.

00:48:37.680 --> 00:48:41.000
I remember
when I first saw a beggar.

00:48:42.200 --> 00:48:44.680
I approached him
clumsily with a coin.

00:48:45.280 --> 00:48:46.320
I gave it to him

00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:49.200
and, without thinking,
I said "thank you".

00:48:51.280 --> 00:48:52.760
He looked at me
in surprise,

00:48:53.320 --> 00:48:55.280
with a silent question
in his eyes.

00:48:56.800 --> 00:48:59.520
And that was the same look
as my father's.

00:49:01.080 --> 00:49:03.920
One night, at the end
of an improvised party,

00:49:05.160 --> 00:49:07.160
with gleaming yet sad eyes,

00:49:08.300 --> 00:49:09.200
drunk,

00:49:09.400 --> 00:49:10.440
he asked me:

00:49:12.160 --> 00:49:13.880
"You're also leaving?"

00:49:40.640 --> 00:49:43.800
I asked Ernesto to send me
pictures of him.

00:49:45.800 --> 00:49:50.920
Two of the ones I received
caught my attention.

00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:55.440
They where two selfies
taken in a mirror.

00:49:56.400 --> 00:49:57.540
The same mirror,

00:49:57.960 --> 00:49:59.360
from the same angle.

00:50:01.820 --> 00:50:04.680
At first, I wasn't sure it was him
in both pictures.

00:50:05.920 --> 00:50:06.960
I put them away

00:50:07.520 --> 00:50:11.120
and waited for
the right time to ask him.

00:50:12.920 --> 00:50:14.400
This is Juan.

00:50:14.400 --> 00:50:15.640
The bad man.

00:50:16.860 --> 00:50:19.960
He hurt all the women who loved him.

00:50:20.440 --> 00:50:22.840
Why is he smiling?
I don't understand it, if he is bad.

00:50:23.300 --> 00:50:25.720
Because he is very arrogant.

00:50:28.500 --> 00:50:29.760
I hate him.

00:50:30.440 --> 00:50:31.480
And this is Ernesto.

00:50:32.480 --> 00:50:33.920
Ernesto is a lovely man.

00:50:34.840 --> 00:50:38.480
He loves all the women and
all the women love him.

00:50:40.960 --> 00:50:43.880
He finds, and he found, a woman

00:50:44.400 --> 00:50:47.360
and he lost a woman.

00:50:48.920 --> 00:50:51.800
He found, he lost.

00:50:53.000 --> 00:50:56.320
The 23rd of June is the
eve of Saint John's Day,

00:50:57.300 --> 00:51:00.160
and I always made a bonfire
in my house.

00:51:01.000 --> 00:51:03.160
I had a special room for that.

00:51:04.250 --> 00:51:05.800
And every time I lit the fire,

00:51:06.080 --> 00:51:09.360
I would say:
"This year you'll die, Juan."

00:51:10.540 --> 00:51:12.840
But he never died.
He'd always return.

00:51:14.000 --> 00:51:15.280
But now
I have him here, and...

00:51:16.200 --> 00:51:17.840
I want to kill him,
I want to kill you.

00:51:18.680 --> 00:51:20.080
I want to kill you.

00:51:22.360 --> 00:51:23.640
I want to kill you.

00:51:24.880 --> 00:51:25.760
I want to kill you.

00:51:26.100 --> 00:51:28.160
I want to kill you because you

00:51:28.160 --> 00:51:29.000
killed... my... life,

00:51:29.000 --> 00:51:31.000
all... my... life.

00:51:33.708 --> 00:51:34.708
Go away!

00:51:36.040 --> 00:51:37.240
I'll kill you.

00:51:37.960 --> 00:51:39.520
I want to kill you.

00:51:41.920 --> 00:51:43.529
And I love Ernesto.

00:51:43.720 --> 00:51:47.324
Because Ernesto is a lovely man

00:52:12.720 --> 00:52:14.040
I am Ernesto now.

00:52:32.840 --> 00:52:37.080
I didn't need Ernesto
to tell me only the truth.

00:52:37.920 --> 00:52:41.280
I wasn't looking for him to
always be sincere.

00:52:44.320 --> 00:52:45.920
Because in that lie,

00:52:46.720 --> 00:52:48.240
I could see his truth.

00:52:50.360 --> 00:52:54.080
Because lying
is not less truthful.

00:53:06.040 --> 00:53:09.280
I'm no longer sure
how Ernesto came to me.

00:53:11.280 --> 00:53:14.000
whether it was
he who sought me out

00:53:14.000 --> 00:53:16.160
or I who chose him.

00:53:19.600 --> 00:53:22.840
Back then, I was ashamed
of the idea of asking him

00:53:23.440 --> 00:53:24.800
and I put it off,

00:53:26.160 --> 00:53:29.720
thinking that at some point
he would tell me himself.

00:53:32.240 --> 00:53:34.040
I didn't know then

00:53:35.120 --> 00:53:37.680
that there would be
no more time.

00:54:02.080 --> 00:54:06.240
At the age of seventeen
I met my first boyfriend.

00:54:08.360 --> 00:54:12.680
I remember that our first kiss
was under the sea,

00:54:13.160 --> 00:54:14.480
holding our breaths.

00:54:15.680 --> 00:54:19.200
Because my father was driving
back and forth on the beach,

00:54:19.440 --> 00:54:20.680
watching me.

00:54:23.520 --> 00:54:25.760
But in the end,
he found out,

00:54:26.080 --> 00:54:28.320
and he made us
get engaged.

00:54:33.280 --> 00:54:37.480
We went to
my boyfriend's family's house.

00:54:39.200 --> 00:54:42.960
His mother wanted to change
my clothes, my hair...

00:54:43.600 --> 00:54:46.360
And she asked me to spend
the day with her.

00:54:48.400 --> 00:54:50.080
But I didn't listen to her,

00:54:50.840 --> 00:54:53.640
I went on a walk
alone in the neighborhood.

00:54:56.640 --> 00:54:57.720
The next day

00:54:58.320 --> 00:55:00.720
my boyfriend took
me to another house.

00:55:02.520 --> 00:55:04.880
He said
we would be more at ease,

00:55:05.600 --> 00:55:06.600
just us.

00:55:08.760 --> 00:55:09.920
But when he left,

00:55:10.120 --> 00:55:11.400
he locked the door

00:55:12.040 --> 00:55:15.160
and left me trapped
in that empty house.

00:55:18.760 --> 00:55:21.080
A friend of his
would bring me food

00:55:21.440 --> 00:55:23.440
and leave it at the front door.

00:55:25.760 --> 00:55:28.400
That lasted maybe a week or two,

00:55:29.040 --> 00:55:30.400
I don't know.

00:55:31.480 --> 00:55:34.560
Until my mother
came to get me.

00:55:37.680 --> 00:55:39.240
I never saw him again,

00:55:39.560 --> 00:55:42.120
and I never talked
with him about this.

00:55:48.680 --> 00:55:52.440
My father didn't speak
or look at me

00:55:53.160 --> 00:55:54.920
for the following year.

00:56:25.440 --> 00:56:27.840
My father grew up
without his father.

00:56:29.880 --> 00:56:31.680
During the civil war,

00:56:33.000 --> 00:56:37.040
my grandfather hid
for many years in a cave.

00:56:38.880 --> 00:56:44.440
I was told my father
worked cleaning shoes

00:56:44.880 --> 00:56:46.560
in the streets of Athens.

00:56:46.840 --> 00:56:47.880
And later,

00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:52.200
in a factory that made
small bronze statues and souvenirs.

00:56:54.120 --> 00:56:55.640
After he got married,

00:56:56.200 --> 00:56:59.400
he always worked
as a house builder.

00:57:00.960 --> 00:57:03.800
But when he had a special guest,

00:57:04.000 --> 00:57:06.800
he would get excited
and proudly show

00:57:07.320 --> 00:57:10.600
a small statue
he had kept from that factory.

00:57:12.640 --> 00:57:15.400
A copy of the Discobolus.

00:57:26.920 --> 00:57:30.240
In my town,
my dad was the foreigner,

00:57:31.480 --> 00:57:33.280
because he wasn't from there.

00:57:33.960 --> 00:57:36.480
And many people,
trying to demean him,

00:57:37.080 --> 00:57:38.600
would remind him of that.

00:57:42.360 --> 00:57:43.560
I now know

00:57:43.800 --> 00:57:47.880
that I learned from my father
to speak like a foreigner.

00:58:03.360 --> 00:58:05.840
The only nice memory
I have of my father

00:58:06.080 --> 00:58:08.680
was one time it was raining.

00:58:08.920 --> 00:58:10.160
He was feeling good,

00:58:10.400 --> 00:58:12.480
sitting at our front door

00:58:12.960 --> 00:58:15.520
with the door open,
looking at the rain.

00:58:17.300 --> 00:58:19.360
I was
seven or six years old.

00:58:20.520 --> 00:58:21.760
I was sitting on the floor

00:58:21.800 --> 00:58:25.200
listening to music
from the Canary Islands

00:58:25.740 --> 00:58:27.720
on a radio
that hung on the wall.

00:58:28.860 --> 00:58:30.600
He had nailed it up there himself,

00:58:30.840 --> 00:58:32.480
poorly nailed.

00:58:34.540 --> 00:58:37.120
Because
he wasn't a good worker;

00:58:37.800 --> 00:58:39.440
he was
almost always drunk.

00:58:40.840 --> 00:58:42.880
The only nice memory I have
with him is that one.

00:58:43.980 --> 00:58:46.480
Watching the rain,
both of us,

00:58:47.080 --> 00:58:49.160
and listening to Canarian music
on the radio.

00:58:49.900 --> 00:58:51.760
Until my mother
called us to have lunch,

00:58:52.000 --> 00:58:56.080
we sat together as father
and son for almost an hour.

00:58:57.620 --> 00:59:00.640
The only nice memory
I have of my father.

00:59:32.680 --> 00:59:33.760
One day,

00:59:34.000 --> 00:59:35.920
when I'd moved to Barcelona

00:59:36.320 --> 00:59:41.240
my mother called to tell me
my father had disappeared.

00:59:45.280 --> 00:59:46.640
After her call,

00:59:47.360 --> 00:59:50.240
I got on a plane
and flew back to Crete.

00:59:51.880 --> 00:59:55.440
My uncle came
to meet me at the airport.

00:59:56.040 --> 00:59:58.640
And when we arrived
at my parents',

00:59:59.800 --> 01:00:03.760
my uncle told me my
father had died.

01:00:07.480 --> 01:00:10.640
They told me
he had died by accident

01:00:11.280 --> 01:00:12.480
on a cliff

01:00:13.400 --> 01:00:16.200
where he often went
to look for eroda,

01:00:17.480 --> 01:00:21.360
an native herb
used for purifying.

01:00:24.680 --> 01:00:26.200
He fell into the sea,

01:00:26.680 --> 01:00:29.600
having hit
his head on the rocks.

01:00:36.440 --> 01:00:40.880
I can't remember how many times
I heard the same words:

01:00:42.480 --> 01:00:45.440
that I should return to
help my mother.

01:00:48.320 --> 01:00:49.320
I didn't.

01:00:49.920 --> 01:00:50.880
I left.

01:00:53.760 --> 01:00:57.720
I left wishing I'd have had
a conversation with my father

01:00:58.040 --> 01:00:59.240
before his death,

01:01:01.080 --> 01:01:03.640
in which he had said
something sincere to me.

01:01:04.760 --> 01:01:07.000
In which he had seen me
as his daughter

01:01:08.000 --> 01:01:10.880
and talked about his feelings.

01:01:14.600 --> 01:01:16.160
But we didn't have it.

01:01:17.560 --> 01:01:21.400
I only remember one night
he invited me to dinner.

01:01:22.680 --> 01:01:25.000
He had caught a big sea bream

01:01:25.480 --> 01:01:27.240
and we shared it between us,

01:01:27.760 --> 01:01:28.760
alone,

01:01:29.480 --> 01:01:31.560
almost in silence.

01:02:17.640 --> 01:02:19.200
Surrounded by fig trees,

01:02:19.440 --> 01:02:23.560
this is the place where
Ernesto and I said goodbye.

01:02:28.240 --> 01:02:30.840
I had suggested
that he enter this patio

01:02:31.320 --> 01:02:33.680
as if it were his last performance.

01:02:35.200 --> 01:02:37.720
I didn't know then
that it would be so.

01:02:40.960 --> 01:02:45.360
I suggested that he enter first as
Ernesto and then as Juan

01:02:45.960 --> 01:02:49.520
and that they should say
goodbye to each other there.

01:02:55.520 --> 01:02:57.720
Ernesto never accepted Juan

01:02:58.200 --> 01:03:00.560
and I wanted to see them unified

01:03:01.000 --> 01:03:02.600
in one person,

01:03:05.320 --> 01:03:07.520
to allow Ernesto to split into two

01:03:07.920 --> 01:03:09.640
and then merge

01:03:10.640 --> 01:03:13.040
like darkness into light.

01:03:43.680 --> 01:03:45.960
One evening,
when in crisis,

01:03:47.040 --> 01:03:49.760
Ernesto kicked Juliane
out of his house.

01:03:51.600 --> 01:03:54.600
Juliane waited for Ernesto
to give her a sign

01:03:55.280 --> 01:03:56.920
that she could come back,

01:03:57.680 --> 01:03:59.880
as he had done
many times before.

01:04:01.840 --> 01:04:04.320
But it didn't happen
this time.

01:04:05.880 --> 01:04:08.080
Juliane got into her car

01:04:08.360 --> 01:04:10.600
and drove to Ernesto's house,

01:04:12.960 --> 01:04:14.840
with the same fear as always:

01:04:15.760 --> 01:04:16.920
not knowing

01:04:17.440 --> 01:04:20.120
whether
she would find him dead or alive.

01:04:22.440 --> 01:04:24.240
And he was no longer there.

01:04:27.040 --> 01:04:32.040
He had left the exact amount
of money for his cremation.

01:04:37.880 --> 01:04:42.080
Ernesto's brothers didn't allow her
to attend the funeral.

01:04:44.400 --> 01:04:47.360
Juliane told me that,
that morning,

01:04:48.080 --> 01:04:51.280
they'd unscrewed the nameplate
of an unnamed niche,

01:04:52.480 --> 01:04:54.440
they'd put his ashes inside,

01:04:56.240 --> 01:04:58.880
screwed the nameplate back on,

01:04:59.840 --> 01:05:00.840
and left.

01:05:16.000 --> 01:05:21.600
My father would listen on the radio

01:05:27.760 --> 01:05:32.720
to songs from his Canary Islands.

01:05:38.440 --> 01:05:43.520
My father would listen on the radio

01:05:49.320 --> 01:05:54.640
to songs from his Canary Islands.

01:06:00.240 --> 01:06:05.920
And I as a child by his side,

01:06:10.720 --> 01:06:15.160
I enjoyed them with love.

01:06:16.440 --> 01:06:20.280
I enjoyed them with love.

01:06:20.960 --> 01:06:24.440
Oh, songs...

01:06:28.640 --> 01:06:33.800
songs from my Canary Islands

01:07:27.640 --> 01:07:30.680
I found a drawing from
years ago,

01:07:32.480 --> 01:07:38.520
a portrait I made with a piece of
charcoal I'd picked up from a fire.

01:07:41.200 --> 01:07:42.680
The face of a man.

01:07:44.280 --> 01:07:45.920
Underneath it I had written:

01:07:46.920 --> 01:07:49.920
"All stories end in one."

01:07:53.760 --> 01:07:55.000
Looking at it now,

01:07:55.640 --> 01:07:57.160
he looks like Ernesto,

01:07:58.880 --> 01:08:02.320
who came to me
to make a film,

01:08:04.200 --> 01:08:05.960
to give me his story,

01:08:07.200 --> 01:08:08.520
his image,

01:08:09.320 --> 01:08:10.640
and his death.

01:08:45.120 --> 01:08:48.480
For a long time,
I couldn't cry.

01:08:51.040 --> 01:08:54.400
On Sundays I would go
and take photographs in squares

01:08:54.880 --> 01:08:57.480
where families with kids
would walk.

01:09:00.280 --> 01:09:03.160
I tried to make all photos
out of focus.

01:09:05.520 --> 01:09:07.160
I liked looking at them.

01:09:09.480 --> 01:09:12.080
I imagined this is how
the world would look

01:09:13.200 --> 01:09:15.960
if my eyes were teary.

01:09:34.440 --> 01:09:38.760
My father and I
have no pictures together.

01:09:41.440 --> 01:09:44.920
And I only took one photo of him.

01:09:49.240 --> 01:09:50.920
It was a sunny afternoon.

01:09:52.440 --> 01:09:55.320
He had just showered
and changed his clothes

01:09:55.880 --> 01:09:58.760
after a day's work
at the construction site.

01:10:01.560 --> 01:10:06.960
His hair, neatly combed,
still damp,

01:10:07.680 --> 01:10:08.800
weak,

01:10:09.400 --> 01:10:11.200
burnt from the cement.

01:10:14.560 --> 01:10:17.400
That day a letter arrived.

01:10:18.920 --> 01:10:21.000
My father never received letters.

01:10:22.920 --> 01:10:26.400
He opened it
as he was sitting on the sofa,

01:10:26.920 --> 01:10:27.840
backlit.

01:10:30.280 --> 01:10:32.440
Something seemed to worry him.

01:10:34.320 --> 01:10:39.600
I watched his expression
soften as he read,

01:10:40.800 --> 01:10:47.240
the muscles in his face contracting
and then relaxing.

01:10:50.400 --> 01:10:52.320
That must be the closest

01:10:52.880 --> 01:10:56.120
I've ever come to his emotions.

01:10:59.000 --> 01:11:01.720
He reread that letter at length

01:11:02.440 --> 01:11:06.000
until, for a moment,
his gaze remained empty.

01:11:08.040 --> 01:11:09.600
I picked up the camera

01:11:09.960 --> 01:11:11.600
and clicked.

01:11:19.320 --> 01:11:22.480
My mother said
it was the only picture

01:11:22.960 --> 01:11:24.800
in which he looked natural.

01:11:28.280 --> 01:11:29.800
After his death,

01:11:30.040 --> 01:11:32.360
she reproduced it
on his tombstone.

01:11:45.400 --> 01:11:48.920
I never exchanged letters
with my father.

01:11:49.640 --> 01:11:50.880
Not a postcard,

01:11:52.080 --> 01:11:54.120
nor a text message
on the phone.

01:11:57.880 --> 01:11:59.400
We only have words,

01:12:00.480 --> 01:12:01.680
each of us our own,

01:12:02.900 --> 01:12:05.040
that dialogue with silence.

01:13:41.680 --> 01:13:46.400
I hadn't spoken Greek for 20 years.

01:13:49.160 --> 01:13:51.680
I thought that
by telling the same stories

01:13:52.280 --> 01:13:53.720
in another language

01:13:54.480 --> 01:13:57.720
I would cease to be
the one who lived them.

01:14:01.960 --> 01:14:05.280
I thought
I'd quieted those words,

01:14:06.640 --> 01:14:10.400
but their silences
have accompanied me always.

01:14:12.840 --> 01:14:14.720
And now they come back to me,

01:14:16.120 --> 01:14:18.680
like someone who returns
to the same place

01:14:19.120 --> 01:14:20.720
via a different road.

01:14:27.360 --> 01:14:29.760
I have decided
to return to Crete.

01:14:31.960 --> 01:14:34.720
The whirlpool on the cliff

01:14:35.160 --> 01:14:37.360
by the road
that leads to my village

01:14:37.720 --> 01:14:39.120
is still alive.

01:14:39.480 --> 01:14:41.960
It keeps swirling in front of me.

01:15:54.800 --> 01:15:58.720
[GREEK]
There, the verb "smell"
translates as "hear the smell".

01:16:00.240 --> 01:16:03.680
I can still hear
the smell of salinity

01:16:03.800 --> 01:16:06.200
of wild asphodel,
of quicklime.

01:16:12.920 --> 01:16:15.160
The night I got on the boat to leave,

01:16:16.520 --> 01:16:18.520
I wrote my father a letter.

01:16:19.960 --> 01:16:23.080
It was a hurtful,
angry letter

01:16:24.440 --> 01:16:27.920
that described with precision
what I'd never told him.

01:16:30.320 --> 01:16:34.120
But I never sent him that letter.

01:16:39.400 --> 01:16:41.560
Today I'm writing
a new letter

01:16:42.520 --> 01:16:46.400
without anger,
resentment nor pain.

01:16:49.200 --> 01:16:50.880
He was my father,

01:16:51.520 --> 01:16:56.320
and together we
were everything we could be.

01:16:59.600 --> 01:17:01.200
There is no good father

01:17:02.080 --> 01:17:03.120
or bad father,

01:17:04.600 --> 01:17:05.760
no bad daughter

01:17:06.440 --> 01:17:07.800
or good daughter,

01:17:08.720 --> 01:17:10.800
good man or bad man.

01:17:14.920 --> 01:17:18.400
We were always complete.

01:17:31.800 --> 01:17:33.880
I have written something for you,

01:17:34.080 --> 01:17:37.200
who are now
watching these images.

01:17:42.080 --> 01:17:43.880
For you, who I have never met.

01:17:46.600 --> 01:17:50.560
You, who doesn't exist in the moment
I'm recording these words.

01:17:52.520 --> 01:17:56.080
But if I'm speaking to you,
you are all that exists.

01:17:59.960 --> 01:18:02.160
I wanted to ask you something:

01:18:03.160 --> 01:18:07.680
Is love the answer
or the question?

01:18:18.600 --> 01:18:22.320
Now the light falls vertically
onto these images.

01:18:25.960 --> 01:18:28.800
All this way
we've travelled together

01:18:29.920 --> 01:18:31.680
is flooded with light.

01:18:35.640 --> 01:18:38.880
Here, the sun
doesn't overshadow us.

01:18:41.320 --> 01:18:44.080
Now, light embraces
the shadow,

01:18:44.440 --> 01:18:46.600
and the shadow
lives in the light.

01:19:37.200 --> 01:19:38.800
When I left Crete,

01:19:40.480 --> 01:19:43.280
it was as if
I didn't know who was leaving,

01:19:44.960 --> 01:19:46.560
if it was me leaving,

01:19:48.040 --> 01:19:49.600
or if it was him.

01:19:51.360 --> 01:19:55.080
And if this escape was our kiss,

01:19:56.360 --> 01:19:57.880
our most absolute

01:19:58.720 --> 01:19:59.960
act of love.

01:20:29.960 --> 01:20:33.440
TO ERNESTO AND JULIANE

01:20:35.560 --> 01:20:38.520
TO MY FATHER

01:20:38.920 --> 01:20:41.480
Once upon a time
there was a lonely song

01:20:41.480 --> 01:20:44.760
TO YOU

01:20:44.760 --> 01:20:47.280
Once upon a time
there was a lonely song

01:20:47.360 --> 01:20:50.320
I used to sing

01:20:51.240 --> 01:20:55.120
on my way home from school.

01:21:10.520 --> 01:21:20.600
I heard my voice and I knew,
I learned

01:21:22.040 --> 01:21:26.360
to speak with the sadness,

01:21:27.160 --> 01:21:28.840
with the war,

01:21:29.600 --> 01:21:31.680
with the rage.

01:21:43.120 --> 01:21:49.240
But I've never been able to say

01:21:50.000 --> 01:21:53.720
"I love you".

01:21:57.960 --> 01:22:04.440
And since I can't say it to you

01:22:06.040 --> 01:22:10.600
outside of this song,

01:22:12.680 --> 01:22:20.040
I sat down to live in it.

01:22:24.480 --> 01:22:30.040
Come, come, come now.

01:22:30.880 --> 01:22:36.400
Come, now I can.

01:22:38.440 --> 01:22:47.920
When my judge is asleep,
in dreams I find you.

01:22:50.200 --> 01:22:54.840
Come, come, come now.

01:22:56.440 --> 01:23:02.320
Come, now I can.

01:23:10.000 --> 01:23:14.040
Come, now I can.

01:23:15.880 --> 01:23:34.680
When my judge is asleep,
in dreams I find you.

01:23:40.480 --> 01:23:45.280
Come, come, come now.

01:23:46.120 --> 01:23:50.960
Come, now I can.